Forsaken In My Mind's Past
by WickedCurveBall74
Summary: A broken heart leads to a doomed marriage. A fateful decision leads to a rollercoaster ride of lies, deceit and revelations that test her morals, her heart, and her mind. Is it a second chance at true love? Or will her dark and looming secret ruin it all?
1. Prologue A Wonderful World Shattered

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past**  
**Prologue: A Wonderful World…Shattered ~ Louis Armstrong / Trading Yesterday**

Bella POV

_**A/N: This is my first attempt at writing much of anything especially fanfiction, so please review and tell me what you think. Big thanks to the wonderful beta THESnapCrakklePop, and also thanks to the betas at Project Team Beta for helping turn my babbling into something remotely interesting to read!**_

_*** GRAPHIC CONTENT WARNING:**__**Please take note that this story contains some graphic language, strong sexual content and adult situations, graphic violence at times, and in one instance, an attempted rape. Finally, it contains adultery, which I do not condone, but my hubs is fully aware that if Edward Cullen (aka Rob Pattinson) invaded our bedroom ever, poor hubs wouldn't stand a chance. *ahem* Therefore, if you're underage…Do not read. Enough said. **_

_**Check out my profile for links to my banner made by the beautiful anamorphos, and other stuff. **_

**Song links: What a Wonderful World – www . youtube . com/watch?v=m5TwT69i1lU**

** Shattered – www . youtube . com/watch?v=0HUIRLfkU5I**

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or the characters, nor do I own the songs used. But I hope you enjoy the twisted roller coaster ride I've created. Remember to keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times until it comes to a full and complete stop. The crazy plot below, I do own. So please respect. **_

* * *

Part 1, "What a Wonderful World"

_"I see trees of green, red roses too  
I see them bloom for me and you_

_And I think to myself, what a wonderful world_

_I see skies of blue and clouds of white  
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night_

_And I think to myself, what a wonderful world_

_The colors of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky  
Are also on the faces of people going by_

_I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do  
They're really saying I love you_

_I hear babies crying, I watch them grow  
They'll learn much more than I'll ever know_

_And I think to myself, what a wonderful world  
Yes, I think to myself, what a wonderful world.__**"**_

* * *

It was just an absolutely _beautiful, perfect _summer day. Crisp and clear, not a cloud in the sky. I'd never been so relaxed in my entire life.

"Ahhhhh, _damn it_, that feels good," I slurred as the massage therapist pressed her hands into the tense, knotted muscles...kneading and rubbing from my neck to the small of my back. My shoulders were the worst. _I suppose s__itting at a computer all day will do that to you. _

I'd just started a job at a newspaper, well, really the only respectable newspaper in Schaumburg, the Schaumburg Times. I grew up here. It wasn't a huge city, but also not an _'everyone's in your business, nosy neighbor bullshit' _kind of town. So of course, being the _new _girl, I'd gotten the crappy job.

Research.

Yes, I got to do research for the real reporters who didn't want to actually _do_ the work, but just wanted to have their name flashing under their fabulous column that _I_ did all the research on. It was alright, though. I was working on a journalism degree at Lake Forest College. Yes, I commuted the damned forty-five minutes, but it was no big deal. It was close to the lake, so sometimes I just went there to chill out after class. In warmer weather, it was a great place to spend some alone time.

Recently, I hadn't really found myself needing that alone time.

Not since I met _him._

_God, _he was absolutely, unbelievably, unequivocally amazing. He really was. I'd never felt anything like this before in my life. There was electricity between us that couldn't be explained with words. When I was near him...nothing else existed. No one was around, and everything was perfect. The planets frickin' aligned or something. It was ridiculous.

I could get lost in this man's eyes, not to mention he was the most beautiful thing on the face of this planet.

He was tall; he was built; his face was...just...I mean...yeah…the sharp jaw, the slight crookedness of his nose, mesmerizing eyes and lips that could do things to me that should never be said out loud. His scent even drew me in. I could never get enough of him. If I didn't think I'd have been strapped in a straight-jacket and hauled off to a padded room, my nose would have been stuck to the man at all times...well...not at all times.

_I would sniff him and humped him like a dog in heat every second of the day._

I was that pathetic, yes.

His hair alone was enough to turn me into a stuttering fool, reduced to a pile of goo on the floor. I couldn't look at it without wanting to double-fist it and yank his head back to give me access to his jaw. His voice...good lord, his voice was unbelievable. I could be as mad as the fires of hell, but as soon as he opened his mouth, it was all over for me.

I had to stop thinking about him...I was getting a little worked up and that was completely inappropriate while lying on a massage table, getting a professional, full-body massage from another female. Definitely did _not_ swing that way. And if I pretended they were Edward's hands, it made it so much worse.

_Hopelessly smitten...that's me._

"Ow! Jeez!" I muttered

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Miss Swan. Sometimes I get a little rougher than I need to when I'm working on a hard one."

I nearly choked, but held it in for a second. As I looked over at Angela, my best friend, whose cheeks were as round as a puffer-fish, eyebrows raised, eyes wide, staring at me...trying to stifle a burst of laughter, I nearly lost it.

_Was this chick for real_? How could she roll something like that off of her tongue and say it with a straight face? Good Lord...clueless. Maybe I just had a dirty mind. Maybe I shouldn't have been thinking about my way-too sexy boyfriend, while I was half naked...actually very naked...with another woman's hands on me.

My mind then drifted to a recent memory of a particular evening that he'd put together for a "date." It was a picnic, on the beach of Lake Michigan with wine, candles, a wide variety of fruit and other munchies, a blanket spread on the shore...and another one to cover up with.

He was too much. Really, I was starting to wonder if he was too good to be true.

It was just a couple months ago, mid-June, so not too hot, not too cold. But the steam we created that night was probably enough to heat up the entire northern section of the state of Illinois. And this man wanted me..._me_, scrawny little Bella, with sadly less than a good handful of boobs. No, the boob-fairy apparently passed my ass up when she was handing those things out. Pretty annoying. Nevertheless, he wanted me; I could _feel_ it when he looked at me and touched me.

Oh God, and touch me he did that night. I could still feel the strawberries being run from my mouth down to my knees. He was feeding them to me as we lounged on the blanket and looked up at the stars, listening to the waves as they rolled in and crashed on the rocks on the beach, the seagulls squawking as they flew around before gathering on the beach.

_He placed a strawberry on my lips and I parted them, taking the sweet strawberry in my mouth and biting down as I stared into his fiery green eyes. He didn't pull it away from my skin. Instead, he ran it over my bottom lip, over my chin and down my neck, tracing my collarbone as he continued. He guided it over my breasts and circled my nipples excruciatingly slowly, unleashing a moan from my mouth. But he didn't stop there. He moved it down my stomach, circling my belly button and tracing my hip-bones before caressing it alongside of where I wanted him the most. He grazed me torturously, and... __holy shit…elicited little sparks of pleasure as h__e continued down my right thigh to my knee, and then back up, repeating the delicious gesture. I moaned his name as slid the strawberry down my left leg to my knee before popping it in his mouth. He groaned with a teasing smirk on his face as he chewed and swallowed._

_Afterward, he placed his tongue – which was talented beyond all logic – on my heated skin and traced it along every bit of the exact trail left by the strawberry. The anticipation nearly killed me and, when he lapped generously at the heated flesh between my legs…I saw stars._

I'd never felt literally faint after an orgasm, but that night I could have died after we came undone together, drenched in sweet sweat, panting and moaning for one another...and I would have been the happiest dead-person on the planet. I could have stayed there with him all night—

"Earth to _BELLLLLLLLAAAAAAA!"_ Angela yanked me from my smoldering memory and I flipped my head over on the cushy pillow to glare at her.

"Damn it, Angela! You just _ruined _my daydream. What?" I smiled though, because I could never be that pissed at my bestie; I loved her too much.

"Well, _excuse _the shit out of me_. _You were humming and I wanted to know what the hell the song was. I want to listen to it. It sounds pretty amazing." She glowered at me.

"Oh, you know..." I smirked. "I'm so awesome that people just _write_ songs for me and shit."

Angela rolled her eyes. "Oh, you have got to be kidding me. He wrote you a song?" I nodded my head, eyebrows raised, still smirking.

"That bastard! Is there _anything_ that boy can't do...and do _perfectly? _I seriously hate you,Bella!" she said. She stuck her bottom lip out to pout at me.

"Oh whatever, Ang. You're just as _in love_ as I am, so shut it," I said sardonically.

"Well, Tyler's really starting to piss me off. You know, if he looks at another girl and says 'Mmm' under his breath, thinking I can't hear him, I'm gonna rip his damned head off!" She sighed.

"Ang," I gave her a pointed glance. "Nip that shit in the bud. He's just not that...well..._smart,_ so you need to train him on how you need to be treated. Smack him upside that head of his a couple times," I chuckled. "Maybe it would knock some sense into him. You know he loves you. You're amazing, _and_ gorgeous. How could he not? Look at you, I mean, you're kind of turning me on right now." I wiggled my eyebrows up and down, shooting her a toothy grin.

She giggled and stuck her tongue out at me, turning her head around as she moaned from the touch of the masseuse working on her calves. "Oh, girl, you know I love you," she sighed again.

"Not as much as I love you, honey," I said as I turned my head and closed my eyes to drift back into my smutty fantasies of my sexy man, who I hoped was waiting on me at our apartment.

"Hey, make sure you tell that sexy hunk'a muscle of yours that I'm in love with him too, for paying for our relaxing spa day," she mumbled.

"Hmm?" I breathed. "Oh, you know I will, and I'll be thanking him in ways you don't even want to know about later, my dear."

"Uh, TMI, Bella. T – M – I," she giggled.

"Ahhhhhh. _Jesus_, you ladies should get an award or something for your skills."I groaned. "Good Lord."

"Oh thank you," the masseuse chirped. "Well, we have extensive training." She chuckled, "Would you like me to show some techniques to your boyfriend?"

I pushed myself up onto my elbows, forgetting that I was naked, and then plopped back down with an "umph." My jaw fell open as Angela whipped her head around to glare sharply at my masseuse.

"Uh, _no_. Believe me, that won't be necessary, sweetie. He already knows how to do it and needs absolutely _zero_ instructions in that department, but thanks anyway," I hissed.

_God, Bella, jealous much?_ _Get a grip. She certainly wouldn't be trying to insinuate she wants your boyfriend right in front of you, so chill the hell out._

"Oh, I didn't mean...I meant..._so _sorry,"she muttered apologetically.

I sighed and mumbled back to her. "Don't worry about it, I'm a bitch sometimes. I should apologize to you. You're doing a great job, um, sorry."

"Oh, it's okay, I shouldn't have said...I'll just shut up now, okay?" she said, and I chuckled...then snorted. _Nice. _This was what happened to me when I was totally-relaxed and tried to fricking talk.

~*fOrSaKen*~

Angela and I emerged from the spa utterly complaisant and feeling boneless...a couple of blobs all greased up and staggering to my car, our legs now the consistency of Jell-O. Of course, I tipped those girls very well, and they enthusiastically invited us to come back.

Oh yes, my man was definitely getting a proper _'_thank you' from me later. After I took a very long rejuvenating nap, of course. _Could he get any more amazing? I think not. _

Good grief, I wasn't even sure I could drive after that amazing massage, so I just went the short distance to a local coffee shop. We sauntered in to get a fruit-smoothie. _Mmm, strawberry for me_. I smirked to myself.

"What?" Angela questioned as she quirked an eyebrow at me.

"Oh nothing," I teased and giggled while she glared.

"Damn it, Bella. Could you tear your mind away from your perfect boyfriend for two seconds," she said. She rolled her eyes and wrinkled her face into a mock pout, changing her voice to sound like she was whining. "I mean, I'm a person too."She sniffed dramatically.

"Aw, I'm sorry, baby." I pouted and reached over, rubbing her hand. "I wuv you, punkin', you're my BEE-EFF-EFF forevah and evah!"

And she giggled. I really did love her...like a sister. I honestly didn't know what I would ever do without her. My real sister, Alice, and Angela were my best friends; they knew me inside and out, of course, as I did them.

"Hey!" she blurted. "Are we getting the boat out this weekend? I'm so ready for some sunshine and margaritas!"

"Well, it'll have to be on Sunday. I've got a family thing on Saturday since it's Charlie's birthday," I said, rolling my eyes. "Al has put together this ridiculous, elaborate party at the lodge in Elk Grove Village for him, and I'm sure he's going to be completely out of his element. He'll need some rescuing from yours truly."

As much as Charlie loved the lodge and Elk Grove Village, for that matter, I knew he'd be completely uncomfortable with my sister's idea of a _good time_.

He grew up there, in Elks, and still lived there. As a matter of fact, he was the Chief of police there. He had been for as long as I could remember. It was only a few miles from Schaumburg, where he moved at the insistence of my Mom, Renee, who couldn't stand the stifling feel of the small town atmosphere.

Elk Grove Village was a fraction of the size of Schaumburg in population, which couldn't necessarily be placed in the 'major city category' itself when compared to Chicago, only thirty miles to the southeast.

Renee left him when I was in middle school, and I got to choose where I wanted to live.

_That was fun. _

Ultimately, I chose to stay with my dad. I knew it hurt Renee, but she was moving thousands of miles away to Jacksonville. She said she needed the warm weather all year, and it would have been even more traumatic for me, as a twelve year old, to try and adjust to a new state, new climate, and new faces. She understood and arranged as many trips as humanly possible to see me. I usually spent a month in the summer with her, as well as a visit over the holidays every other year. Eventually, I got used to it and, although my mom and I finally developed a great relationship, I was just so much more like my dad_. _

We just _got_ each other.

Sometimes we didn't even have to talk to understand what was going on in each other's head. It was strange. Don't get me wrong, I loved Renee just the same, but seriously, I could only handle her for brief periods. She was erratic, unpredictable and scatterbrained, but she didn't bullshit and she didn't take bullshit either. I had to respect that.

I'd gotten a double dose of it; Charlie wasn't one to bullshit either.

If it was one thing I couldn't handle, it was being lied to or deceived. I would honestly rather someone tell me to fuck off than have to listen to them pretend to be this way or that.

My sister, Alice on the other hand, was pretty much a clone of our mother. She was a year older than me, but much smaller…tiny-boned big energy and an even bigger attitude. She was always fleeting around and planning this or that. She was like Martha Stewart on crack, but good _God_, did I love that girl. She also stayed with Charlie and me because she, of course, didn't want to leave her friends either. She always stayed longer with Renee than I did, though. Usually all summer long and anytime we had breaks from school. She was attending the Art Institute in Schaumburg, and majoring in fashion design. Imagine that.

Alice was too damned scatterbrained to focus on any man, but she was always talking about this guy at her school, Jackson or something...he was definitely _not_ into fashion design...maybe art? I wasn't sure, but she wouldn't shut up about him, so I was sure he'd be attached to her hip soon enough.

"Oh, Lord! That sounds like a train-wreck waiting to happen!" Angela snorted. "Well, you're not taking _him_ with you, are you?"

I rolled my eyes. "Um, _no_ Ang, I'll be there to support my father on his birthday, _not_ give him a stress induced heart attack."

It wasn't that Charlie despised my boyfriend as a person; neither did Renee for that matter...because I had pointed conversations with_ her _about him_. _She was such a hypocrite. I mean,she got married to Phil six months after they met!

They apparently believed I was getting _lost_ in my relationship, and that they were losing their _little _girl. _Give me a break._ I was twenty-one years old and pretty sure that what I was experiencing was a bit more than some puppy dog school crush.

Ugh, pissed me off to even think about it.

"I mean, I don't think he _hates _him or anything, Ang. It's just best to pick my battles with Charlie, if you know what I mean." It didn't sound convincing even to me so I knew Ang wasn't buying it. _So much for my no bullshit policy. _

She gave me a sympathetic smile and shrugged her shoulders. "He'll come around, honey, just give him some time. Now, let's get the hell out of here and get you back to your sexy stud so you can thank him properly_._" She smirked. I wadded up my napkin and threw it at her before we discarded our smoothie cups and headed home.

~*fOrSaKeN*~

I could barely drag my jelly legs up the stairs to our third floor apartment, but I made it. When I walked in the door, I was met by the sounds of Edward strumming his guitar. My senses were immediately alive, and a slow smile crept across my face. I swear to God, he could kill me in about two seconds flat with that guitar and when he started to sing, it was all over for me.

I stalked slowly down the long entry hall, not wanting to interrupt him and his musical genius, but needing to get to him like I needed air in my lungs. I stopped when I rounded the corner and watched dreamily.

There he was.

Lounging on the sofa, in his worn button-fly Levis and Stoli t-shirt, hair in disarray, barefoot, a slight hint of a five-o'clock-shadow appearing, just strumming chords. _Damn._ And this man was mine. It was all I could do to not knock the guitar out of his lap and straddle him right there.

I noticed a bottle of Heineken sitting on the coffee table as he brought the palm of his hand up to stop the chord he was strumming. He gazed up at me, greeting me with his crooked grin. I caught my breath and smirked.

"Nice heini," I murmured, already envisioning what I wanted to do to him. He chuckled and moved his guitar to the side of the sofa and stood up to face me. His eyes alight; he cocked his head to the side, the crooked grin now stretched across his cheeks.

"Hmmm..._exactly,"_ he crooned and shifted his gaze down, fixing it on my velour track pants. He walked over to me and placed both of his huge hands on my ass cheeks, giving them a quick squeeze. I sucked in a breath and looked up at his liquid emerald eyes, immediately feeling electric warmth engulf me.

"How was your day, baby?" he breathed out his words, and I inhaled deeply, silently, breathing in his scent.

_Scrumptious_.

He moved his hands down slightly, and gently lifted me up. I wrapped my legs around his waist, hooking my ankles together.

"Oh my God," he groaned. "What the fuck is that smell?" He buried his lips in the crook of my neck as he breathed in and out. I immediately pulled myself back, holding onto his shoulders and studied his face.

"Um, it's...it's oil from the massage," I stammered. I pulled my bottom lip into my mouth and chewed on it nervously, now completely self conscious that I was stinking up the place and he was disgusted. But then I saw his eyes roll back in his head as he inhaled and closed his eyes. "I'm sorry. I know I need to shower, I feel all _blah_ and gross."

"Is that..." He crooked an eyebrow. "...is that strawberry I smell?" He licked his lips.

_Good God in heaven_.

I grinned. "Well, Ang and I stopped off at Java Juice for a smoothie and I got a strawberry one, but...um, yes, the oil was strawberry scented. It…" I blushed. "It made me think of you."

Before I knew it, I was shoved up against the wall in the living room; his mouth and tongue were furiously nipping and sucking at the skin on my ears and chin, my neck and finally, collarbone. My breathing became erratic and I let my head fall back to the wall with a soft thud. This time my own eyes rolled back into my head as I closed them.

"Do you know what that scent _does_ to me, Bella?" He looked at me. His eyes were dark and wanton behind hooded lids.

I licked my swollen lips and whispered, "I'm going to take a wild guess here and say that it makes you want to take me in the bedroom _right now_ and pull these sweaty, oily clothes off of me…and…and maybe taste every inch of the strawberry oil covering my skin?" I breathed, looking at him through my lashes.

He moaned and ground his hips into mine, pressing his hardness in just the right spot, and taking my bottom lip in his mouth to suck gently.

"Oh God..." I moaned into this mouth.

I don't know how fast we got into the bedroom, but it was fast. Still not fast enough for me. Never fast enough for me. He devoured my skin with his mouth and tongue as he peeled the track suit off of my body. His hands smoothed their way up and down my oily torso, down to my thighs and further, until they were right where they needed to be. He entered me with one, then two of his fingers and pumped them in and out, in and out repeatedly until I was on the verge of screaming out his name.

"_Please_ don't stop doing that." I panted, but groaned in frustration when he did exactly what I was begging him not to do. I grabbed desperately the beautiful chaos on top of his head as he held himself up by the palms of his hands, grinning.

"Patience," he whispered as he took my mouth in his. Our tongues collided and rolled over one another's, sending little sparks of fire down every nerve in my body. He placed one knee, and then the other between mine until the insides of my thighs were cradling the outside of his. He hovered over me, staring into my eyes with his hypnotizing emeralds. I couldn't stop looking at him as he entered me slowly, fully and completely. An involuntary gasping moan left my lips.

"Oh, Jesus." I breathed. This wasn't our first time, but it was almost always a shock the first moment he buried himself in me. He was…very…well endowed, but fit me perfectly, almost as if we were made to fit together.

Two pieces of a puzzle.

A puzzle that wasn't complete without those pieces.

I came undone not once, but twice in a heated flash of euphoria. The second time, Edward joined me, his thrusts erratic and hurried. He chanted my name and I cried out his as our bodies were taken over by the incredible waves of pleasure. He collapsed next to me on the bed, both of our chests heaving as we came down from our high, Legs still intertwined; we stared into each other's eyes. He smiled slowly, but a faraway look came into in his eyes, catching me off guard. When he blinked, though, they brightened.

"I fucking love you so much, you have _no idea._" He whispered, running his hands through my sweat-dampened waves.

As if I wasn't already putty in his hands, my insides lit on fire again and began to melt into nothing but goo.

"Well..." I grinned and closed my eyes. "If it's anywhere near the way I feel about you, then this world is in so much trouble."

He responded with a hum as he buried his face in between my shoulder and my ear, steadily breathing in and out. I stroked my fingertips up and down his torso, feeling his muscles tense and relax.

The world was a perfect place.

I didn't want to get up, but decided a shower was definitely necessary. I hummed quietly, washing away the oil and sweat which unfortunately included the smell of him, off of me, but it felt so good to be clean. If I was Jell-O-pudding before I got home, I was the definition of exhaustion now and couldn't wait to curl up on the sofa and listen to him play his guitar. I grinned at the thought of this. I just couldn't help it. My feelings for him were like nothing I'd ever felt before. It was overwhelming.

When I got out of the shower, I threw on some sweats and a t-shirt and plopped on the sofa.

"Hey beautiful." Edward flashed his crooked grin at me.

"Hi." I looked at him, my eyelids feeling heavy. "I think you're sexy ass took every ounce of energy I had left," I said, smiling.

He chuckled and said, "Well, you better get some rest, baby girl, okay? I've got a gig tonight with the guys and I have a gig tonight and I want you to come." I smiled, his buddies Emmett, Jasper and Garrett were in his band and they played at a lot of local bars and clubs. Emmett played the drums, with Jazz and Garrett on guitar and vocals, and my man of course, lead vocals and guitar. I could barely contain myself after seeing him jam at a club and this excited me, but my body wouldn't let me react like the crazy fan girl I was.

"Okay, that sounds like a perfect end to my perfect day." I yawned. He gave me a kiss on the forehead as he slipped out from under me, gently placed my head on one of the sofa pillows and headed off to the shower. I closed my eyes and began to drift.

I heard his cell ring, which was lying on the bar between the kitchen and the living room...the familiar sound of Louis Armstrong's _What a Wonderful World_ was playing. I remembered when he added it as his main ring-tone to his phone and how he'd said that the song made him think of _us_; that this was how he felt when he was around me.

God, this man killed me.

* * *

Part 2: "Shattered"

"_Yesterday I died; tomorrow's bleeding; fall into your sunlight,_

_The future's open wide beyond believing, to know why hope dies,_

_And losing what was found, a world so hollow; suspended in a compromise,_

_But the silence of this sound is soon to follow; somehow, sundown,_

_And finding answers is forgetting all of the questions we called home,_

_Passing the graves of the unknown,_

_As reason clouds my eyes with splendor fading; illusions of the sunlight,_

_A reflection of a lie will keep me waiting; with love gone for so long,_

_And this day's ending is the proof of time killing all the faith I know,_

_Knowing that faith is all I hold,_

_And I've lost who I am, and I can't understand…why my heart is so broken, rejecting your love,_

_Without; love gone wrong; lifeless words carry on…but I know, all I know is that the end's beginning,_

_Who I am, from the start; take me home to my heart…let me go and I will run; I will not be silent_

_All this time, spent in vain; wasted years, wasted gain…all is lost, but hope remains, and this war's not over,_

_There's a light, there's a sun, taking all these shattered ones…to a place we belong and his love will conquer all,_

_Yesterday I died, tomorrow's bleeding; fall into your sunlight."_

* * *

His damned ringing phone pulled me from my half-sleep state. I loved the song, but, for the love of God, Louis Armstrong was about to drive me insane. The world was _not_ so wonderful when I was disturbed from a much needed nap. When it rang again, I pulled myself off the sofa and sauntered over to the counter to see who was blowing it up. It stopped ringing as I reached it, but less than two seconds later, it rang again. I picked it up, but didn't answer it. "Vic" was the only name that came across the screen.

_Who is Vic? _I thought. He'd never mentioned anyone by that name to me before.

Was Vic a man or a woman? Was it someone from his work? Maybe they needed him to come in or something. I wasn't about to answer it when I thought of that. There was no way I was going to let him go into work when he had a gig and I could hear that velvet voice of his crooning me into oblivion. No way, no how.

_Oh shit. _

Then it dawned on me that maybe it was the manager of the club needing to change something. So I flipped open the phone and hit redial.

I heard the phone click as if someone was answering and sucked in a breath to start talking. A friendly greeting was on the verge of leaving my lips until I heard the voice on the other end of the line, and my words caught in my throat.

"I'm wet for you, baby," said the sultry female voice. "I've been thinking about that _fat cock_ of yours all day...about how much I want to put it back in my mouth, and how much I want it back inside of me." I heard her high-pitched laughter as she continued. "Maybe I could sit on your face this time. Would you like that, sexy?" She paused, apparently expecting an answer_._

I couldn't speak. I was confused.

"Wha...who...who the _hell_ is this?" I stammered. "I think you probably have the wrong number."

Silence.

"_Hello?"_ I spat out. Now I was getting fucking pissed at the crank caller. "HE—LLO!"

"Hmm," she continued finally, giggling. "Not exactly who I was expecting."

"And just who the fuck were you expecting to talk to at this number?" I was now seething, wishing I had this little bitch in front of my face so I could kick her ass. Probably some fourteen-year-old, thinking she was hot shit. However, she certainly didn't sound like a fourteen-year-old.

"Oh, well," she said, musically. "I was just wanting to talk to the sexy man I fucked _all_ night the other night. I think his name is _Edward...Cullen _to be exact. Bella, I presume." She paused long enough for her words to register, and when she heard my audible gasp, she continued. "So...is he home?"

I was silent.

My whole body went numb, and I could no longer feel the phone I was holding in my hand.

The trembling began at my head and didn't stop until my entire body was convulsing. I felt like I was going to throw up. I shook my head back and forth trying to forget the words that just had come out of this...this _person's_ mouth, but they just kept ringing in my ears.

"Who...who is this?" I stumbled on my words. I didn't really want to know, but I _had _to. Now, I had to know.

"Ha!" The bitch laughed out loud. "This is Victoria, sweetie, and I made your manvery_, very _happy the other night."

I could feel myself begin to hyperventilate, but at the same time, I couldn't breathe. My mind was going a thousand miles per second, and I was trying to tell myself over and over that I was dreaming. I blinked my eyes repeatedly and continued to shake my head. When I finally realized that I was, in fact, wide awake...that this was not some fucked up nightmare I had concocted out of my jealous mind, I felt the heat rush to my head. My ears felt like they had caught fire and they began to ring.

This Victoria bitch kept talking.

She blathered on and on about the gig where she saw Edward, and how_ hot_ he looked. How she bought him some drinks afterward. _She wouldn't shut the fuck up_. She went on, divulging every detail about their night together. How she had taken him back to her place afterward. She just kept talking about how she'd put his big dick in her mouth, and swallowed when he came in it...how she straddled him, and how he cried out when she made him come again.

I couldn't listen to it anymore.I felt the room begin to spin. I grabbed the counter with my free hand and tried to hold myself up for support because my knees were giving out on me. My other hand was shaking so badly I could barely hold the phone to my ear. Then I started to feel the angry tears well up in my eyes.

_No...no, no, no, no, no, no!_ This couldn't be happening. It was a joke. A…a trick. She was fucking with me. There was no way that he could...how could he...no, NO! He was not _that_ guy. He wouldn't...why would he?

And then it hit me.

The weekend before, he had a gig that I couldn't attend because I had made plans to go to the movies with Ang and Alice. I had called him after the movie was over and told him we were going to hang out at _Taylor's_, a local pub, for some drinks. I had asked him to join us, but he said the guys were going to head back to Jazz's house and chill, maybe watch sports or something. I didn't get home until three a.m. the next morning because the girls and I were having so much fun and I lost track of time. I remembered feeling like such a bitch. Hoping he wasn't going to be mad, I sneaked into the apartment and quietly went into the bedroom where I found him passed out in bed. The next day, his car was missing and he told me he'd gotten shit-faced at Jazz's, and Emmett had brought him home. When I offered to take him to get it, he told me he'd already talked to Jazz, who was going to come pick him up and take him to get it. I didn't question him further. I didn't think anything about it.

I squeezed my eyes shut. I couldn't get it to stop. If I had access to drugs at this point, I would've taken them to escape what was unfolding in front of me.

_Victoria... _

_Victoria... _

Her name kept running through my head. I knew her from somewhere. Her name sounded so familiar_. _

_Oh _GOD_. _

My knees really did give out that time and I slid on my back down the side of the breakfast bar, until I reached the floor.

I did know her. I knew…of her. She was a girl...a girl that _he_ had introduced me to at _La Push Club_, where he and the guys had played one night. He said he had known her from a few years back. He used to work with her when he was bussing tables at some old bar. She was a server. He told me how much of a slut she was and how she'd fucked every guy that worked there, except him. I remembered how she had just _reeked_ of cheap whore; how even though she was hot, she somehow seemed dirty. She was there with a guy. I couldn't think of his name. Mar...Mark? Marcus. That was it. It was Marcus. If I remembered correctly, he gave me the creeps. He looked like some sort of pimp or something.

I fucking felt sick again. _How could he fucking _do_ this to me?_

_I knew it._

I knew that it was too good to be true. I knew he was too beautiful to really want me. Really love me. God, how could I have been so stupid?

I chastised myself. Then, I tried to convince myself again to believe this bitch was fucking with me, because I couldn't fathom the possibility that she was telling the truth.

"Hmm, well _darling_," she taunted. "Maybe the three of us could hang out sometime, huh? Oh, and tell Mr. _Edward_ that I really would love to talk to him. I know you'll pass on the message, won't you, love?"

_You've _got_ to be fucking kidding me right now. _

And just like that, the rage took over_._

"You fucking listen to me, BITCH!" I seethed. "I don't know who the hell you think you are, calling my boyfriend, but your fucking nothing..._nothing_, do you HEAR me? You're a nasty two-bit fucking _whore _and I'm sure that Edward would want NOTHING to do with you. You're probably fucking _crawling_ with disease. If you ever..._ever_ call this number again, I will come to whatever gutter hole you're living in and I will bash your head in, you nasty _skank_! He actually told me what a fucking whore you are, did you know that, slut? _He_ told me. So you can go fuck yourself, but that's probably what you do twenty times a day anyway. I mean it! Do not fucking call him again_,_ or I will beat your ass until you won't even know your goddamned _name_!" At that point, I was screaming, shaking, losing control.

I flipped his phone shut and stared at the wall in front of me. My mind was going back and forth, back and forth between believing what I'd heard and refusing to believe it. I felt more and more nauseous by the minute. As soon as I could calm myself down, the anxiety crept right back in and I was back to hyperventilating.

I heard the shower turn off and I held my breath. My God, what was I going to say to him? Was I supposed to just let him find the missed calls on his phone? I knew he'd see that her number had been called back, I was sure of it. Was I strong enough to confront him? I didn't know what the hell to do. I sat there for no less than ten minutes, waiting with bated breath...wishing I could forget the whole exchange that had just taken place.

But I couldn't.

He came out and walked down the hallway, whistling the tune to Louis Armstrong's "What a Wonderful World_,_" and I lost it. I couldn't stop the tears that were now overflowing my eyelids and spilling, one after another, after another onto my cheeks. I sucked in another breath and choked out because I couldn't hold it anymore. My body was heaving with sobs and I was slipping more and more out of control.

"Bella!"He ran to where I was sitting on the floor.

"Oh my God, Bella! Are you okay?Baby, what's the matter? What happened? Are you hurt?" He was running his hands over my head and down my arms. His eyes were frantic as they darted all around my body, looking for something that might have hurt me. He looked at the counter above my head and back down at me. Placing his forefinger under my chin, he pulled my head up to face him.

"Baby, talk to me. Tell me what happened."His eyes were pleading, his face riddled with worry as he looked me over.

"Look at me, Bella,"he begged. I shifted my tear-filled eyes up to him.

At that same moment, I held his phone up to him. I flipped it open and went to the missed calls section. I watched his face as it went from confusion to recognition, his pupils dilating suddenly. His eyes widened before he sucked in a breath and squeezed them shut.

In that very instant, I knew the answer to the truth I was seeking. His reaction spoke volumes and I was once again sick to my stomach. But then something strange happened. The tears vanished. Once I knew the truth, there was no more confusion, no more panic or anxiety.

The only thing I felt at that moment was pure, unadulterated rage.

"Bella...I-"

"Shut up,"I muttered without emotion, interrupting him. I was trying my best to hide my feelings from him.

"Who the fuck is she, Edward?" I asked, even though I already knew. I was staring at the wall again in front of me, my voice hollow and monotone.

"Baby, she's no one, y—you met her once, but she's nothing, it's not what you—"

"Don't call me baby,"I whispered, interrupting him again, then shook my head. "Not if it's true."

"Not if what's true? Bella, we…we exchanged numbers one night. That's _all_. There's no reason for you to be so upset— "

I snatched the phone back out of his hands and went to out-going calls. I highlighted the call I'd made while he was in the shower and handed it back to him. He looked at it, and then back at me, furrowing his brow.

"I thought maybe it was the club-manager for your gig tonight. I thought maybe they needed to change plans or something. So I called the number to get the information for you, since you were in the shower. It…it wasn't the club manager, Edward! I mean, how _unprofessional_ would it be for the first thing out of HER mouth to be how much she wanted your huge COCK inside her..._again_. Don't you think that would be rather unprofessional, _Edward__?"_I was glaring now and I could feel the heat again, creeping up my face. I could feel my ears starting to ring. My breathing started to increase and I knew the rage was winning the battle against the restraint that I was desperately holding on to. I could feel it in every inch of my arms and legs, in my stomach.

"Oh...oh...my...God," he whispered to himself. He looked down, closed his eyes, and ran his hands through his hair. "Bella...I...I...don't—"

"You don't what, Edward? You don't know what to say to get your sorry ass out of this?"

"Bella, it was _nothing_, really. It was nothing, please..."

"_Nothing_?" I spat. "Nothing? _Really_? Really, Edward? Becausewhat I was told in the ten-minute mother-FUCKING conversation I just had with her, did _not_ sound like your little encounter was NOTHING!"

And the beast was out. A full-fledged fire-breathing demon-complete with horns. At that moment, I wished that I actually had lasers I could shoot from my eyes.

"She told me everything, Edward, _everything_. Is she a liar? Just fucking _tell_ me she's a liar and I'll believe you. You know it's what I want to hear, so tell me, is she a liar?" He was just looking at me, eyes filled with pain…or remorse, shaking his head. "Edward! Tell me the fucking TRUTH!"I screamed at him.

I started shaking as the tears came back with a vengeance. _Goddamn it_, I was such a pathetic loser and I was so mad at myself for letting them flow. My body took over my common sense at that point and the quiet tears soon turned back into the suffocating sobs that choked me.

"Bella...oh God, please, _please_ don't do this, please."His voice shook as he ran both of his hands through his hair.

God, he looked beautiful. He looked so sorry and so sad. He looked so amazing, and it hurt so much. I closed my eyes and let my head fall back and hit the wood of the bar. I felt the pain, but I didn't care. Physical pain, at that point, was better than the tear in my heart which was slowly ripping itself into a gaping hole.

"Please..." I choked. "Please, Edward, I just need to know the truth. How...how could you do this to me, Edward? Is that what..._who_ you want? Was it worth all this? Was it worth it, Edward? I...I can't do this."My words deceived my true feelings as I stifled my sobs and shook my head. I swallowed the massive lump that had taken up residence in the center of my throat and took a deep breath.

"I can't be with you if you did this, do you understand that...I…I_ can't_..." Another sob escaped me. "I just can't..."

"No..._no_, I don't want her. Bella, please, you have to believe me. I don't want her. She's nothing to me..._you_, you're my life, Bella."He clenched his jaw. I saw a tear escape one of his eyes and trail its way down his cheek. I wanted so fucking badly to get up and wipe it away. I wanted to kiss the trail it made down his cheek. God, I wanted it so badly_. _

"I'm so fucking sorry, Bella. I—I just don't know what to say, what to do. _Jesus_, I'm just so _fucking _sorry. Please, Bella..._please_, say something."

He was talking slowly, methodically, and I could tell he was trying not to break down. At that point, I did stand up and my eyes darted around the kitchen for my purse. He tried to come to me. He reached his arms out and tried to hold on to me, but I put both of my hands on his chest and shoved him as hard as I could. He took a step backward, his eyes pleading, staring at me with angst, shame and devastation.

"I...I have to leave,"I stammered. "I can't be here anymore...I have to leave."

He sighed and shook his head, clenching his jaw as he spoke quietly. "Please..._please_ don't do this, Bella."

"I have to, Edward. I won't be the girl that loses her dignity by staying with her cheating boyfriend, Edward. I…I just can't do it. I'll be at Angela's." I paused, allowing myself a moment to feel the wave of shock that was washing over my body. Shock at the fact that I was actually walking away from the man I loved more than my own life. Before I left, I turned one more time to him and choked out my words.

"I'll be back tomorrow to get my things. Please don't be home, Edward."

I walked to the door, grabbed the knob and pulled it open. He put the palm of his hand over my head and pushed it shut.

"Stay."

I didn't speak.

"Please, stay and talk to me.

I just couldn't speak.

"_Please_," he pleaded.

I shook my head and clenched my teeth. "No. There's nothing more to talk about, Edward. Now, please move your hand. I...I have to go_." _

He stared at me for a moment, devastation clouding his beautiful green eyes. Reluctantly, he moved his hand. I flung the door open, walked out and slammed it behind me.

~*fOrSaKeN*~

I couldn't even call Angela on the way to her house. I couldn't think. I couldn't feel. I was numb all over and I was in shock from the events that had just taken place. My mind was devoid of anything and everything. My body was completely numb. There was just nothingness. I nearly blew through at least two red lights because I couldn't focus. The blaring honks of the other cars on the road were the only things to bring me back to life, briefly.

I knocked on her door, vaguely noticing that my muscles were so exhausted, it took all I had to just raise my arm up to do so. As soon as she opened the door, her mouth fell open. She took in my expression, my ragged appearance, noted the red blotches that covered my face and my blood-shot eyes.

"Bella? Bella, my _God_, what happened?" she asked, her brow arching in confusion.

I shook my head and opened my mouth to talk, but nothing came out. I walked past her into the living room and dropped my purse on the floor next to my feet, raised my head up to look at her, and shook it again.

"Bella, what are you doing here. Why aren't you at home...with..."

"Th—there was a gig...he had a gig...and she was there...he saw her there. It…it was after..." I stammered. My voice sounded far away. I didn't even recognize it as my own.

"Bella, look at me." I hadn't realized I'd closed my eyes, but I did as she asked, looking at her with a blank and empty stare.

"A gig? She? Who's she?' What? Bella," she sighed. "Sweetie, what the _hell _is going on? Why aren't you home? Why aren't you home with Edward having a sex-fest for the spa day he gave us?"

As soon as she said his name the emotion crashed into me like violent waves on a rocky shore, and my face burst into flames. My eyes blurred from the tears that swallowed them, and then exploded over my lids, splattering onto my cheeks and down to my shirt. She ran over to me and held my face in her hands.

"He fu—fucked her, Ang!"I blurted out, choking on my words, shaking my head and shifting my eyes to the floor.

_"What?"_ she shrieked as she stepped back, keeping her hands in place on my cheeks and gently pulling my head up to look at her. "Who? Who fucked her and who is _her?_ Bella, what are you _talking_ about?"

"Edward. Edward fucked her_. Victoria..._the redhead from the club…when he had that gig ...he fucking had _sex_ with her...the…the night we went to the movies...and to Taylor's Pub_._"I kept shaking my head as I choked out the words that I didn't want to believe were true. But, I knew they were true. It was my worst nightmare. My life was over. My world was crashing into a thousand pieces all around me as I stood and watched it. I could do nothing about it. Nothing at all.

"Oh my God."She shook her head. "No way, no way he could do that to you, Bella, there's _no way_. Why...what the _fuck_...how could..." she questioned as her eyes darted all around. She seemed to be trying to will a perfect answer to appear, just as I wished I could.

The sobs escaped me now and I couldn't hold back anymore. I let my devastation take hold of me, throwing my arms around Angela and burying my head in her shoulder. My chest was heaving with the sobs that were breaking me in two. I cried into her shoulder, my words muffled and incoherent.

"I don't know what to do, Ang. What do I do? He said he was so sorry. He said he didn't want her. He begged me to stay. How can I_?_ How can I do that to myself? How could he do this to me? I'm lost. I'm lost without him. I don't even know who I _am _without him." I took a ragged breath. "I c—can't just stay with him, I'd be a fucking _moron_. Oh, _God_! How could I be such a stupid fucking_ idiot_, Angela? How could I be?"

"Stop it, Bella!" she blurted. "You are _not_ a stupid fucking idiot! _He's_ the stupid fucking idiot. He just ruined everything! Oh, _Jesus_, honey, I'm so...God, I'm so sorry!" She started to cry with me, both of us clinging to one another, and I couldn't...I just couldn't stay there. I had to get away. I had to go away. I had to go somewhere that I could try to think. I just _had_ to go.

"I...I have to go,"I muttered, and tore myself away from her, grabbing my purse and propelling myself toward the door.

"Bella, wait! Where are you going?"she yelled. I heard her phone begin to ring as I grabbed the door knob.

"I...I'm going to the beach, Ang. I have to think and I can't think anywhere but the beach. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine,"I mumbled rapidly as I threw the door open and tore through the yard toward my car.

Angela ran after me and flung the door open just before I was shutting my car door

"WAIT! BELLA WAIT! You shouldn't be going anywhere alone!" she yelled frantically. She had the phone in her hand and I heard her say, "I think she said she's headed to the beach. I don't know. She doesn't seem okay to _me_. Fuck if I know! She's a mess, Ja—"

I slammed the door of my car and sped off...to find my peace.

~*fOrSaKeN*~

I sat on the beach, running my hands through the sand, staring at the waves crashing in and pulling back out toward the lake. It looked like the ocean, so vast. Kind of like the whole where my heart had been. I was numb, void of feeling, just staring and trying to clear my mind rather than think...like I had told Angela I was going to do.

I heard footsteps digging through the sand, coming up behind me, but I didn't turn around. Whoever the fuck it was could just keep walking. I was in no mood to pretend to be sociable right now. I felt a presence veer to my right, just before I felt the sand move next to me. Whoever it was, sat down a couple feet from me and I turned my head to look.

_Fucking great._

I rolled my eyes and shook my head.

"Hey..."he started.

"What do _you_ want?"I spat

"Are you okay?"he asked. I pressed my lips together in a hard line.

"I'm fine. I _thought_ I was going to be able to _sit _here by myself for a while and fucking _think_, but apparently not. What the _hell _do I have to do to get some _alone _time around here?"I was spewing emotional vomit and I knew it...being a complete bitch and I didn't feel bad about it. I couldn't. I wanted to _fucking _be alone, could _no one _understand this? For all I cared, I could've lived on the damned beach for the rest of my pathetic life and licked my wounds. At that moment, I just didn't give a shit anymore.

I was dead.

Emotionally.

I just didn't care.

"I, well, I just thought I could help. Uh, I thought maybe you could use a friend_,_"he said in a low, careful tone.

I chuckled, dead and emotionless. "Well, I'd hardly call _you _my friend, and no, I don't _think_ you can help. At all."

"Bella. I know what he did..."

I cut him off.

"I don't really give a shit what you _think_ you know, but you sure as hell don't know _me _very well, so please..." I sighed and closed my eyes, trying to control the bitch raging inside me. "Please, just leave me alone."

~*fOrSaKeN*~

More than a year later, I sat on the pew in the huge makeshift dressing room, staring at myself in a full-length mirror. I'd asked Renee and the girls to give me a few minutes alone to think before it was time. So there I sat with ruffles and chiffon, faux pearls and sequins spilling all around me in a sea of white.

There was a light knock on the door and I heard it creak open.

"Bella?"

I looked over and smiled. It was Alice.

"Hey, sis." I sighed.

"Hey, baby-sis. Can I come in for a minute? It's almost time and I wanted a minute with you before, um..." Her face was a conflict of emotions.

_Wonderful._ I thought._ Now my sister's getting all weepy. I already had to deal with Renee's meltdown earlier and if Alice makes my makeup run, I'm going kick her ass before she walks down the aisle ahead of me._

"Sure, Al, get your butt in here." I grinned.

She came over and sat next to me. She glanced in the mirror and sighed before looking back at me, her eyes suddenly misty.

_Here come the water works._

"Jeez, Bella, you're so beautiful. Are you sure we're actually related?" She furrowed her brow with a sad grin.

"Oh, shut up, Miss fashion queen. You know you're a hot bitch. I don't even want to hear that." I rolled my eyes and she busted out a giggle. But then her expression turned serious.

"Bella, I wanted to talk to you. I think you need to...well, I don't think you dealt with...before you move on...you need to talk about..."

My playful grin turned to stone-cold granite and I suddenly felt sick.

"No. Alice, what the hell are you doing? I'm about five fucking minutes away from getting _married_ and you want to talk about this shit right now? No."

"But, Bella, I just don't think you got over..."

"Enough, Alice!"I grit my teeth."Just don't. I can't do this right now, Alice. _Jesus Christ. _I'm happy, okay?I'm happy. Stop worrying about me. End of discussion, alright?"

"Okay, sweetie. I'm sorry. You're right and I…I don't even know what my dumb ass was thinking." She sighed and smiled. "Now come on, it's time. Let's get you down that aisle."

As I paced down the aisle, I held my head as high as possible and plastered a smile on my face, trying to swallow away the shreds of doubt that were beginning to strangle me. Charlie was on my arm, beaming and grinning like a goof ball, which elicited an eye roll and a nervous giggle from me.

I stared at _him_ the entire way down the aisle and felt a wave of relief when I reached the alter without tripping on my massive dress and falling on my face.

Then it began, and I felt a sea of emotion submerge me and pull me under. I looked into his eyes and felt a sense of calm. Peace. I _was_ happy. I was going to _be_ happy. So I took in a deep breath and blew it out, slowly and steadily.

"I do," he said, gazing down at me with his eyes full of light.

The attention was then turned to me, and I fought to gain control of my emotions.

"Bella, please repeat after me," I heard the minister say.

I swallowed, and looked at the man who, in the next few minutes, would be my husband. And as I repeated the words that the minister had spoken, the only thing I could hear was a ringing in my ears and a very…very faint voice, begging me to stop.

"I Bella...take you..."

* * *

_***Chapter End Notes:**__** Well, there you have it! The beginning…possibly the beginning of the end? We shall see. Reviews are love, and thank you so much for reading. **_


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	3. Chapter 1 Seeing Red

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past**

Chapter 1: _"Seeing Red" ~Chevelle_

_**A/N: *Updated and improved chapter 1, thanks to the fabulous THESnapCrakklePop, the best beta **__**ever**__** and also thanks to the girls at PTB! I also have to thank my fab Twilighted beta, Browns…you own me bitch. Srsly. Don't forget to check out my profile for links to the beautiful banner (thank you annamorphos) and to the story on twilighted. (also Twitter, Live Journal…blah, blah.)**_

_**Additional A/N**__**: Please take note that this story contains some graphic language, sexual content and adult situations. It also contains dark themes, such as adultery, which I do not condone, but let's be real, people, this is a fictional story…and shit happens….and we're talking about Edward fucking Cullen….wouldn't you? SO, if you're underage…you definitely should not be reading this story, so please don't. Enough said**_

**Song Link, The Red: .com/watch?v=_H_l4x-wFV4**

_**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement is intended and there is no financial gain by myself for this story. All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and its characters, I do not. In other words, that's her bitch. This story, however, is my bitch. So don't copy it. Got it? Good. Kisses, now let's read. **_©2009/2010 WickedCurveBall74/RobsMyEdibleArt, All rights reserved worldwide

XXXX

_"They say freak, when you're singled out  
The red, well it filters through_

So lay down, the threat is real  
When his sight goes red again

_Seeing red again  
Seeing red again_

This change, he won't contain  
Slip away, to clear your mind

_When asked, who made it show  
The truth, he gives into most_

_So lay down, the threat is real  
When his sight goes red again..."_

XXXX

God, I was so pissed at him. I was tired of the eye rolling, and the fact that I seemed like a thorn in his side when we were out with his friends. They were supposedly _my_ friends too..._pfft_.

I had been in this situation way too many fucking times before, and I was done.

Among the ignorant drunk people, I sat at the bar near the dance floor and pouted. I was sure something my _wonderful_ husband would have no problem saying.

I was pouting.

Never mind the, oh I don't know, _asshole_ attitude that he possessed, right?

There I sat, in my entire pouting splendor. There I sat, in all of my tight jeans wearing, curled hair having, sexy new shirt buying glory. Oh, and I couldn't forget my fuck-me boots. I knew I looked pretty good because he had to pick his tongue up off the floor when I finally finished getting ready, and walked out of the bedroom. I actually thought he might throw me down on the kitchen floor right then, but he knew better. I didn't get dressed up like this too often, so there would be _no_ touching me...yet.

So, there I was. I was consumed by my own loud inner-voice telling me to just get the fuck out of there. I listened to the blaring music and watching all the cute couples as they whirled across the dance floor, lost in each others' worlds. _Humph, _I thought, _wait until you're married for ten years_. As I watched a group of girls to my left, who looked to be around my age or late twenties maybe, dance and giggle bumping into one another, I thought to myself again, _God do I need that_. I snorted when I continued to watch them as they ogled their prospective one-night-stands.

I was miserable...and I wasn't even drowning my misery in alcohol. I was drinking Diet Coke for God's sake. I'd had a few drinks at the concert, and it was enough. Me pissed off plus drunk, was definitely not a good combo to say the least.

I berated him in my head for fear that I would be hauled off by the men in white coats should I start talking aloud to myself. _Yeah, we'll see how many drunk bastards come up and ask _me_ to dance, huh?_ I waited, but there was no one. No one even attempted.

In hind sight, I'm sure the _don't fuck with me_ aura emanating off of me didn't help. That, coupled with the strobes dancing off the fiery-red highlights in my chestnut hair, made for a force-field and flashing red sign that said, _Don't even attempt it, buddy, if you want to keep your balls. _

I grabbed my cell, let out a sigh, and sent a text to my sister.

_Hey, u home? _

A few minutes later, she responded..._Yeah, what's up? _

I sighed again. _Jesus_, I felt like such an asshole for what I was about to do.

_Well, just wondering if you could come pick me up at Moon-Struck?_

It was alocal club, an unimpressive one to say the least. Her response exuded concern.

_Are you ok?_

I fucking let it all out.

_NO, he's a dick and I'm just done tonight._

Again, I could actually feel her empathetic angst for me because recently, she and her man had pretty much called it quits.

_Oh God...on my way._

_Shit. _I loved her so much. I now owed her big time.

In the mean time, I'd gotten a text from a friend of mine, Jess. She was out with her ex and they'd just gotten back together. Oh, they were so in love again...and it was so vomit inducing. She had told me that they were headed this way. I seriously needed to get the fuck out of there. I mean, I would've been okay with seeing her, but I was definitely not in the mood for giddy couples who had found their lost love again, and I just didn't want to be _that_ bitchy person tonight. I didn't want to be the one who couldn't handle her shit.

My phone buzzed in my hand, and tore into my thoughts. I looked at the almost too bright screen and squinted.

_Come over by the restrooms._

My nostrils flared and my eyes narrowed. It was from him.

I responded simply.

_Fuck you._

I cringed before I checked my phone again after it began to vibrate. He just couldn't allow me five mother-fucking minutes to be alone, could he?

_Come on! You're being ridiculous. I didn't do anything wrong, and I don't know what the hell is wrong with you._

I rolled my eyes. Of course he didn't, he was Mr. Fucking Perfect! I typed quickly.

_U R better off with your friends tonight than with me_, _so have fun. _

_Jesus_, I sounded like a pathetic teenager pissed at her boyfriend rather than a grown-ass woman who'd been married for a million years. However, in all honesty, that was who he'd be spending the rest of his night with anyway. I certainly had no plans to spend any more fucking quality time with him for the rest of the evening.

My phone buzzed once again."Goddamn it, Jake!" I blurted out loud before picking my phone up again.

_I'm here!_ It was my sister, thank God.

Well, there was my queue. I grabbed my purse, smokes, and stupid Diet-Coke, and headed for the door. My head was pounding from the on-again-off-again alcohol consumption, along with the ump-teen million cigarettes I'd smoked. I always seemed to smoke more when I was even a little irritated, let alone super fucking pissed. My eyes felt bloodshot and watery from the smoky air in the bar, and I just needed out.

_Fuck him._

If he didn't know I was as serious as a heart attack about the shitty way he treated me by now, it was not my fucking problem. I mean, had we not -just a month ago- had a conversation about respect, and the fact that I was his other _half_ not his _one-fucking-fourth? _Oh, and having to actually explain to him what _passion_ meant, made me simply want to jab rusty nails into my eyeballs. I rolled my eyes at that thought and just kept walking. I was determined, jaded, and quite frankly on the verge of tears.

I noticed him...the asshole...as I rounded the corner like a runway model. I had my head up; there was determination in my steps, and a bitchy look on my face. He was standing within a small group of his buddies, chuckling and taking swigs of his beer; being as charismatic as painfully usual. My blood was boiling.

_I fucking HATE you right now_, I thought to myself.

That's when I noticed who was with him. The usual suspects were there, of course...Emmett, Sam and Jazz. I expected them, but the involuntary double take that my damned head just _had _to do, confirmed an additional_ suspect_ that I definitely was _not_ prepared to see.

In a millisecond, memories from way...way too long ago flooded my head.

_Oh. My. God. You, _I thought to myself. _Of all the fucking, long lost friends of my husband...you! Standing there in your stupid beanie hat and your stupid black, button down shirt. _Then, there were the jeans. The godforsaken jeans_, _and they were button-fly, _of-fucking-course_.

His green eyes caught mine, and involuntary reactions took over in my body. Simultaneously, I felt my heart plunge into my stomach, all the blood rushed to my face, and I couldn't breathe. All the noise from the bar just stopped. Then, the son-of-a-bitch winked at me.

_He winked at me. Was he kidding me? _

I could have sworn that I stopped in my tracks, but somehow, my legs were still moving. I bit my bottom lip to keep the smirk that played at the corners of my lips at bay and walked right past the jerks, turning toward the door. I felt a brush on my arm and instinctively turned. _Shit. _In seeing my _blast from the past_, I'd apparently forgotten, for the moment, about the man I was unhappily attached to in holy matrimony. Of course, he wasn't going to let that happen.

"Hey," the thorn in my side said and turned toward me with a mixture of concern and irritation. This was only adding fuel to my already smoldering animosity toward him.

"What?" I said flatly. My lips now formed a hard line across my face.

"Are you leaving?"

"I don't know," I snapped as I grabbed my phone to text my sister, who was waiting for me in the parking lot.

All of a sudden, I had an idea, and I couldn't hide the smirk that spread itself across my lips. The wicked beast that had gotten a hold of me completely K-O'd the good girl arguing furiously in my head. _Just go home! There's no good to come out of this situation tonight. You're already pissed, which is not going away any time soon, so just get your ass home. _The monster came around with a mean left hook as I responded to the good girl within myself. _Oh hell no! This shit is about to get very interesting. Screw it, I'm staying. _I was up for the challenge. I was ready to turn his world upside down and let him know what it felt like to be _ignored. _I wasn't even thinking about what this would cost me.

Suddenly I remembered my sister, who was patiently waiting for me. Shit. I felt bad, so I furiously typed her out a message.

_Come to the door and I'll pay your way in._..

She responded immediately. _Why? WTF?_

My thumbs were working double time. _Um...someone's here. Could get real...interesting. I want u to come in!_

Almost a full minute passed and I was getting ready to start pacing. My husband was looking at me like I'd grown a second head. "I'm trying to get Al to come in!" I barked at him. He turned back to his friends scowling.

Finally, she responded. _Dude, I'm in my PJ's! _

Oh shit.

I sighed heavily and sent her a very colorful text of _shit a_nd _I'm so sorry_ and _I suck_ and _I'm such a fucking jerk_ and _come get this ten bucks from me like now_, etc. etc. I could almost hear the hysterical laughter she sent me vibrating through that little screen on my phone, but that little shit wouldn't let me pay her for making the ten minute drive here.

God, I loved her!

Then, unfortunately, Jerk-o was there again.

"So, what's going on? You leavin' or stayin'?"

I narrowed my eyes and cocked my head to the side as I said, "Guess I'm staying. I'm going to get a real drink."

The green eyes caught me again as I turned toward the bar and I felt paralyzed for a split second. I managed a weak smile and a whisper of "hey" escaped my lips as I nearly sprinted toward the bar.

Armed with a Crown and Coke -I hardly ever drank whiskey, by the way- I took a deep breath, calmed my nerves and walked back toward the group of men surrounding my husband, and..._him._

_Damn it, Alice!_ I thought to myself. I should've taken her ass to my house really quickly, dressed her, and brought her back so that I'd at least have someone to talk to instead of standing here like a defeated moron.

I chugged my Crown and Coke, nearly gagging. That was why I never drank it. I fucking hated whiskey.

Jake moved to put his arm around my waist, and I stiffened.

_Uh-uh, buddy, you're still on my shit list_. I silently scolded him.

I turned to him and raised an eyebrow. He rolled his deep, chocolate brown eyes, furrowed his brow and mumbled to me under his breath, "Jesus, Bells. Are you going to act like this all night?" There he was again with the fucking eye-rolling. I had got to hand it to him; the guy certainly knew how to push my buttons. He always had. I leaned into his ear and brushed my lips against it, on purpose, feeling him shudder slightly. _Yeah, I knew how to push his buttons too_.

"As a matter of fact, I am. I wasn't important enough to have a decent conversation with earlier. Obviously, you could give two shits about the way I feel, so have fun tonight. I plan to." Just then, my phone startled me by vibrating in my went to grab for it, but I turned my back.

_Hey, Mike & I r here. Where r u, chick? _

"Who was that?" Oh, the jealousy was coming out. _Nosy, asshole.  
_  
We'd had plenty of problems with this in the past.

Jealousy.

For years, I had been accused of fucking other men. Then the one fucking time a shot of tequila lead to a random kiss from a stranger, and my conscience nearly killed me. So I told him. What I got in return, was being called a whore for years to come. Years. That was a hell of a long time ago, but you just didn't forget injustices like that. I had to learn what I could say and sadly, what I couldn't. Seriously, was a marriage...wait..._true love_, rather, supposed to be like _that?_

"Bells!" I looked up, ripped out of my thoughts. "Who the hell was that?"

"Jesus, Jake! It's Jess! She and her ex, Mike, are _here_."

He frowned. "Humph, so?"

_Oh, now he was going to be a fucking baby_.

"So, I'm going to go find her. I'm sure she wants to introduce me to Mike and I need a little girl time anyway." With that, I walked away.

He called after me, "Oh, sure, sure, honey. Well, we'll be over by the darts. Uh, see you over there sometime soon?"

I didn't even turn around. Darts? _Pfft, _no thanks. I made a bee-line for the restroom. The drink was going right through me, and quite frankly, I needed to make sure my face was still on. I checked the mirror quickly. Noticing that my curls were still intact, I applied a little more of my strawberry flavored lip gloss and grabbed my Japanese Cherry Blossom body spray, squirting a few times around my body. I needed to cover up that smoke-smell.

XXXX

As I walked out of the ladies room door, I started to look around for Jess. It was getting crazy and crowded, usually did around midnight, so I was straining to find her. I couldn't see her, so I sent her a text.

_By the restroom on the east side. Meet me over here. _

The strobe lights flashing different colors, mixed with the spot-lights moving about and thumping to the beat of Muse's "Uprising", didn't help me in my search. The song was really distracting me. It was one of my favorites, and I fucking _loved_ Muse. So I started to bob my head to the music and at that moment, I felt something on my ass.

It was something deliberate.

It wasn't an out-right grab, like some drunk prick getting his jollies. No...this was subtle, but definitely intentional. I whipped around.

As I was turning to confront Jake..._the asshole_, _I told him to give me some fucking space_...I heard him chuckle under his breath. My ears confirmed before my eyes did, that this was definitely not Jake_. _

Oh. My. God.

My breath caught in my throat. I tried to get a hold of myself before I turned all the way around, but his green eyes had me in a strangle-hold immediately. As soon as I could tear my eyes from his, I glanced down and saw a very suspicious bottle of Heineken in his hand. It was traveling upward from its current position -right at the same level as my ass- to reach his lips, which were drawn up in what was about the sexiest smirk on the face of this planet.

"Good song, huh?"

My wide, shocked eyes quickly turned to angry, narrow slits and I clenched my teeth, seething. This time, he laughed...out loud...and the sound of it nearly brought me to my knees. My mind kept trying to go backward and I fought with it to stay in the present.

_Really, Bella, do you need to remind this man how pathetic you are, that your heart has never quite healed the same way it was before he ripped it out of your chest?_

I blinked. _Fuck!_ I needed to get a grip, and fast. I put on my best indifferent smirk and raised both of my eyebrows. I crossed my arms over my chest in a nonchalant sort of way. They were shaking with emotion however, something close to anger or anxiety I supposed. I let out a breath that I didn't realize I was holding, and took in another steady one before I casually stated, "Edward."

The sexy smirk spread across his face into a full-fledged smile, until it seemed to touch both of his ears. I stopped breathing.

_Goddamn it! Get a grip! _I berated myself again.

"Hmmm..." He started. "Izzy." Then he chuckled. "How are you?"

_Oh really? You greet me with the name I despise. Really? That's where you're going to go right now, huh? _I thought to myself.

In about two seconds flat, I went from a rainbow of emotions I couldn't even begin to explain to rage as it landed smack dab in the pit of my stomach. This _motherfucker_ was playing with me. Imagine that, Edward-asshole-Cullen fucking with my head. Oh no, my husband was not the only man on this planet that knew how to push my buttons, that was for damned sure. He watched me carefully, his eyes gleaming with what I could only decipher as delight. He was waiting for me to explode on him. He knew me well enough to know that I wouldn't disappoint him with my colorful, expletive-filled emotional vomit.

Yes...crazy, potty-mouth bitch, Isabella. I guess that was me, or who I'd turned into.

I was sure he assumed I would either do that, or shoot daggers at him and roll my eyes before stalking away in obvious defeat.

I chose to do neither.

_Not tonight_. I thought to myself, and I took in a silent breath. I counted to ten as I blew it out slowly, hoping it would go unnoticed to the man with whom I had such an intense history. Strangely, it was not a long, drawn out story Edward's and mine. The reason behind that was that we were only together for about a year. Nonetheless, it was in fact very intense history. I simply could_ not_ show him how much I was trying to control my erratic emotions around him.

I knew my blue eyes flashed like lightning. If he'd have looked close enough he'd have seen right through me, but I didn't figure he'd be that thorough in his assessment. So instead, I slapped a huge, dazzling smile on my face. I reached down and grabbed the Heineken bottle he was holding and brought the bottle, along with his hand, up to my awaiting lips. I stuck my tongue out slightly and placed it on the mouth of the bottle-opening- intentionally of course- then wrapped my lips around the bottle and tipped it up. He didn't attempt move his hand from bottle and I counted five swigs before I brought it back down and released his hand.

He held the bottle in mid-air for about ten seconds before he awkwardly moved it back down to his side. His face was completely unreadable, his mouth open slightly, and a crooked smile starting to play at the corner of it. I licked my lips and closed my eyes,

"Mmm." I made it sound like a moan, and I heard his breath hitch. _His fucking breath hitched._

Mission one accomplished.

"Well, _Eddy_." I sang, wicked with sarcasm. "I'm absolutely fucking awesome, as if you haven't already figured that out."

Then I winked at him_. Touché, motherfucker._

"How's life treating you?" I reached the back of my fingers up and ghosted them over his slightly later-than-five-o'clock-shadow of scruff. I suddenly found myself biting back the urge to tangle my fingers in the tussled hair peeking out of his beanie hat at the nape of his neck and attack his mouth with my own.

_Of course, he would have a five o'clock shadow. Of course, he would. Why would he not try to kill me with every square inch of his body? _

"Because you're looking a little tired," I continued.

His eyes shifted downward as he let out a ragged breath that I knew _he_ had to have been holding. His crooked smile widened. _Fantastic_. Mission two accomplished. If this was a game we were playing, I was up two to one. Then, as if he couldn't hold it in any longer, he began to laugh. Out loud.

My God, I'd missed that sound.

It sang to me.

It made my body numb and my legs became as unsteady as Jell-O.

_Get a grip on yourself, Bella. _My inner voice warned me. Thank God for the strength of the inner voice because will power was about to throw up the white flag.

_Fuck_.

Whether he knew it or not, the son-of-a-bitch just scored again. Well, at least we were even.

"Oh, now come on, you know how much I hate that. '_Eddy'_!" He mocked, as he rolled those perfect emerald eyes.

"Oh, mmhm. Probably about as much as _you_ know that I hate it when you call me _Izzy_."

He nodded his head in defeat, grinning. "Okay, okay. I'll give you that." He held out his hand, dramatically cleared his throat, and pursed his lips. I could definitely tell he was trying desperately not to laugh.

"Truce?"

I raised an eyebrow at him and crossed my arms over my chest again. "Ha! If you think you're getting off that easy, buddy, you've lost your mind! Frankly, I'm a little concerned that maybe you actually_ have _completely lost your mind." A playful grin danced on my lips. "Hmm, and I thought you'd know me better than that after all these years, Edward."

It wasn't as if I'd never seen the guy in the years since we broken up. It was just that I tried not to. I cringed at the memories pushing their way to the forefront of my mind. I didn't want my mind to go there at that moment. I didn't want to think about that day...the day that changed me, broke me. _You should walk away. You should walk away right now_,I thought to myself. Something inside wouldn't let me do that, however, and I remained where I was. I stood there, staring at my past...staring at the man I would have killed for.

This was the man I loved more than my own life. This was the man that _changed_ my life, the one that in order to keep my sanity, I had avoided at all cost. I knew that the decision I was making at that particular moment would have dire consequences. I knew that, but I didn't care. I didn't want to care. I was fed up. I was fed up with my marriage and with being eternally unhappy...not that this little stunt was going to make me happy. In fact, I knew that if I did not end this exchange quickly, things were probably going to get ugly and fast...not only within my own mind, but between Edward and Jacob.

I was suddenly reminded of a quote I'd heard in the movie, _Romeo and Juliet_. I enjoy literature and had stopped on it one day recently while channel surfing. I chastised myself for being so melodramatic, however I couldn't help but wonder if Edward and I weren't in fact, Romeo and Juliet. Of course, not literally, but our relationship had been poisoned all those years ago. It had been murdered by misjudgments, pride and betrayal. The dagger might as well have sliced through my heart that day, because I hadn't really felt alive and in love...sadly...since. I repeated the quote in my head as I stared at him.

_"These violent delights have violent ends,_

_And in their triumph, die like fire and powder._

_Which as they kiss consume. _

_The sweetest honey is loathsome in its own deliciousness,_

_And in the taste, confounds the appetite._

_Therefore love moderately; long love doth so._

_Too swift arrives as tardy as too slow."_

Hmm, violent delights indeed. Would my violent delights have a triumphant ending? Or, would this night mark the violent end I felt coming like the raging storm cloud seen from a far off distance. Whatever the answer to my question, it was futile, because it didn't matter to me anymore. Love moderately. I'd _loved moderately _for too long now, and that fact suddenly was excruciatingly evident to me as I stood in the presence of my own personal _Angel of Death_.

XXXX

**Chapter End Notes:**

*****_**A/N: So, Bella understands the danger in her little encouter with her ex-boyfriend Edward, but will she listen to the part of her that's begging her to walk away...or the part that doesn't care? The answer is obvious. A lot of reminiscing on Bella's part and back-story that you don't want to miss, so hang in there for chapter 2, and please review! They make me squee like a fan-girl! Thanks so much for reading! **_


	4. Chapter 2 Near To You

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past, **

**Chapter 2, "Near To You" ~ A Fine Frenzy**

_***A/N: I want to say a big thank you to those of you reading and reviewing! Keep it up, uh, please! Big thanks to my original betas on this, THESnapcrakklepop, Love Of Escapism, and ChristineC23…you ladies are the best! To my Twilighted beta, Browns…you fecking own me, woman! I bow to you, oh technical genius. Don't forget to check out my profile for the links to the banner and other fun shit! (hopefully I'll have more fun shit later too.) Things are getting a little more "dangerous" for Bella. Read on, and enjoy. ;P**_

**Song Link, Near To You: .com/watch?v=O_CwkdXfAhg**

_**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement is intended and there is no financial gain by myself for this story. All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and its characters…I do not. This story, however, is all mine, so there!**_ ©2009/2010 WickedCurveBall74/RobsMyEdibleArt, All rights reserved worldwide.

XXXX

_"He and I had something beautiful,_

_But so dysfunctional, it couldn't last_

_Loved him so but I let him go_

'_Cause I knew he'd never love me back_

_Such pain as this shouldn't have to be experienced_

_I'm still reeling from the loss, still a little bit delirious_

_Near to you, I am healing but it's taking so long_

'_Cause though he's gone and you are wonderful, it's hard to move on_

_Yeah, I'm better near to you_

_With you and I, it's something different_

_I'm enjoying it cautiously_

_I'm battle scarred, I am workin' oh so hard to get_

_Back to who I used to be_

_He's disappearing, fading steadily,_

_I'm so close to being yours, won't you stay with me?_

_Please._

_Near to you, I am healing but it's taking so long_

'_Cause though he's gone and you are wonderful, it's hard to move on_

_Yeah, I'm better near to you_

_I only know that I am better where you are_

_I only know that I am better where you are_

_I only know that I belong where you are_

_Near to you, I am healing but it's taking so long_

'_Cause though he's gone and you are wonderful, it's hard to move on_

_Near to you, I am healing but it's taking so long_

_Though he's gone and you are wonderful, it's hard to move on_

_Yeah, I'm better near to you...Yeah, I'm better near to you."_

XXXX

Of course, the mere fact that I kept telling myself this was a terrible idea did nothing to change my mind. The Romeo and Juliet references that I so foolishly conjured up in my head were definitely not helping either. It was funny how a phrase as innocent as "all these years" could throw a fucking monkey wrench into my so-called peaceful life. When it came to Edward and I however and how things ended between us, _peaceful_ was not the word I would've used to describe it.

_Ugh_. I felt my stomach turn slightly at the memory. As I had mentioned before, it wasn't a long drawn out romance because we were only together for a total of a year, but it was so incredibly intense that if someone had never experienced it, they could never possibly understand. There were literally no words to describe the feelings involved. We were so young, too young to understand it. We were also too young, for that matter, to know how to handle what we were feeling.

Then, there were the family issues. My parents felt like it was all too fast, of course. I assumed they felt that they were losing me to him, and they hated him for it. On the other hand, I felt like his parents refused to accept me because they seemed to be still in love with his girlfriend before me, Tanya. She was actually a very nice girl, from what I'd heard, but I had grown to resent the _shit_ out of her.

We fell so hard for one another that within only a few months, we had decided to move in together.

Well, I shouldn't say _we _fell so hard, because I apparently could and should only speak for myself. The events that followed, and led up to our inevitable parting-of-ways, shook me to the core. I had no frame of reference for the effect it had on him.

It unraveled every fiber of my being and made me question whether this man had ever loved me at all -even in the slightest sense of the word- if there was such a thing. Could one love someone just a little? I didn't think so. I understood that people could be loved in different ways; the way I loved Jacob was different from the way I loved _him_. He might as well have killed me, because he ripped the heart out of my chest and left a black hole of fire covered in solid ice. I felt about as loved as a kitten, dumped in the middle of a field and left to fend for itself in the cold, lifeless dead of winter.

At least, at _least_ I'd clung to a sliver of my dignity because I was the one who had made the decision to walk away after I had found out what he'd done behind my back with that fucking whore, Victoria.

_God_, I could barely even think her name to this day without bile rising in my fucking throat.

I remember distinctly what I had said to him as I shoved past him in our apartment, pissed because he was there and I'd asked him not to be home. I was holding a box of my clothes that was entirely too heavy to carry, but apparently my adrenaline deemed it unnecessary to placate my exhausted, sleep-deprived muscles. The treasonous tears were burning in my eyes and blurring my vision.

_"I certainly hope that you're double-bagging your dick every time you fuck her! She's fucking been around, Edward! Otherwise, it might just fall-the-fuck off!" I hissed. _

_"Bella, please." He was looking at me with utter devastation in his incredibly beautiful eyes. I remember that I could only look at him for mere seconds at a time, because otherwise I would've been sucked into them. I would've lost myself in them and I could have never followed through with the saving of my dignity._

_"C-can we just..." He sighed. "Can we just talk about this? I love you so much. Y-you don't understand my feelings for you..."_

_"Y-your feelings for me?" I laughed coldly, and stared at him incredulously. "How the fuck could you possibly have any feelings for me, Edward? I mean if I recall, you are the one that disregarded my feelings when you fucked that whore!"_

_"I know." He nodded. His shame was evident. "I know and I'm so sorry, Bella. I'm so...just...fuck! I can't-I can't do this without you. I need you, please, just fucking stay here so we can talk."_

_"Oh, you need me?" I was glaring, but I had to swallow the enormous lump lodged in my throat and keep my poker face intact, or else I was going to lose my fucking mind. "You need me, right? Is that what you told her when you were fucking her, Edward?" He recoiled and stared at me in shock and disbelief, as if I'd just pulled out a butcher knife and plunged it into his belly, then twisted it. I was shaking inside, but I didn't falter. "You know what, on second thought..." I seethed. "...don't bag the motherfucker at all! Fuck anyone that you want, freely. Make sure you fuck as many whores as you can, Edward. The world just might be a better place without your dick in it!" _

_He slinked down onto the sofa and put his head in his hands, fisting his ridiculously amazing hair in obvious defeat. I, however, was on a roll and continued to verbally assault him._

_"Look at you." I pummeled him without mercy. "You're fucking pathetic." I wanted him to hurt. Of course I wanted him to hurt. I wanted him to feel like his heart had been ripped out of his chest, as mine had. I wanted to hurt him so badly, the way he'd hurt me, but not as much as I wanted to do just what he was asking of me. I wanted to stay and be with him; I wanted it so much, it was killing me. "You-you make me sick, Edward!" My voice cracked when I said his name and he looked up at me, with tears in his eyes. _

_"Please, Bella," he said, his voice shaking with raw emotion. "Think about what you're doing. I-I can't be anything without you. Don't do this. What can I do? What can I do to make you see that you're making a mistake?" His eyes widened then, at his own choice of words, and I blew up._

_"I'M making a mistake? Me? ME, Edward?"_

_"I'm sorry; I didn't mean...I know. I know I made the mistake. I fucked up, Bella. I know that. I'm so fucking sorry. What do you want me to do?"_

_I pressed my lips together in a hard line and shook my head. "Nothing. There's nothing you can do, Edward. You're right, you did fuck up...big...huge, fuck-up. You know what, though, I don't fucking care. I don't care about you." My words were cold and callus, but my eyes told the truth. "You're just a piece of shit cheating bastard and I hate you. I hate you!"_

_He shook his head, but didn't look at me. "You don't mean that."_

He knew me well enough to know I really didn't mean it, but he took it... every scream, every yell, and every insult I threw at him. Well, maybe at that moment, I did mean it. I really wish I'd been more graceful about the whole thing, but I just wasn't. I couldn't stop berating him. I wanted vengeance and I felt that every ounce of my hatred toward him was justified.

_"Yes, I do. I mean it and I'm sure of that. As a matter of fact, if I never see your sorry ass again, it will be too soon." I spoke through my teeth, my jaw clenched to hold in my emotion. If I let go, I would surely break-down. "So, you want me to think about what I'm doing? Really? Because I'm not doing this, Edward, you are! You did it! YOU, not me!"_

_He must have heard enough at that point because he shot up off the sofa and threw his arms up, his face red with emotion as he screamed back at me. "I KNOW! I FUCKING KNOW THAT, BELLA! You don't think I know? I've been beating myself up about it all night!" _

_"Oh, you poor thing." I even shocked myself with my maliciousness. I obviously struck a nerve, because he picked up the remote control and hurled it at the wall, shattering it into a million pieces. I just stood there trembling and squeezed my eyes shut, trying to keep the tears from escaping._

_"Would you just SHUT UP and LISTEN to me?" He sighed harshly and dragged his fingers through his hair before continuing. "You won't even talk about this? You won't even give it a chance to work? I can't believe you don't even want to try, Bella. I mean, we-we can work through this. I know we can. Can't we work through this?"_

_I shook my head vigorously, "No. No, I don't trust you anymore. You fucked someone else a week ago, Edward. No, we can't work through this. How can I ever trust you again, ever?" I swallowed the lump that had risen again and closed my eyes. "No, this...is...over." The words didn't sound like they were even coming from my mouth. I suddenly felt like a hollow shell. _

_Edward shot back at me. "I can't believe this! You know what, FINE! Do what you want, Bella. You will anyway. God! You're such a stubborn bi..."_

_I gasped. He had never called me a derogatory name and even though he caught himself, it hurt terribly. I watched him as he stomped past me down the hall. The sound of the bedroom door slamming was ear splitting, and I heard him shriek, "Fuck!"_

_I suddenly felt rage at his audacity to yell at me when he'd been the one who had ruined us. I remember shouting like a child in the direction of the bedroom before I walked out the door for the final time and never looked back. "Oh, just go fuck your red-headed WHORE then, CHEATER!" I then sucked in a ragged breath and let the sobs escape me._

It was the single darkest time in my life.I loved him and wanted him so badly that it tore me in two. I wanted to stay, but I knew in my heart that it would never be the same for us.

So, I walked away. I walked away, but I left my heart behind. I walked away utterly and completely ruined, broken and unable to recognize myself. For the longest time, I walked through my life in a zombie-like state. I really was the walking dead; I had no life in my body, no more soul to speak of, and no hope for a future that I couldn't even to begin to imagine for myself. I remember my best friend Angela, and my sister Alice, both trying with all their might, to snap me out of my haze. Taking me out at first, and forcing me to try and be sociable. Always by my side, always checking on me, I guess to make sure I hadn't slipped away from them for good. Bless their hearts. They became the most important people in my life and I would always be grateful to them for trying to help me in so many ways, for sticking around when I was clearly an empty shell. I was a walking corpse of my former self. Without them, even though they didn't completely bring me back, without them, I wouldn't have even begun to show signs of life, to get a flicker of light back into my dead eyes.

It was then, when I was slowly starting to come back to life, that I turned around and Jacob was there.

_Jake the jerk_.

In the past, I'd watched him go through girl after girl, because he'd bring them over to hang out at our apartment or double-date with us. I had watched him treat them like the sluts that they were, well most of them, and was disgusted. He knew it too. He knew I thought he was the quintessential ass, but after Edward and I reached the...end, Jake became a different person. He showed me a different side of himself. He became my friend eventually, and took care of me. He was my knight in shining armor.

Was_. _

The abrupt halt of Edward's opulent laughter brought me out of my memory-induced fog. There was no other outwardly noticeable sign that he was reminiscing the way I was, except for the flash of pain that I caught in his eyes at my use of the phrase _all these years_.

At least, that was what it looked like, but pain? How could that have possibly been true_? _

He shrugged it off and darted his eyes around the crowded, smoky bar that was beginning to resemble a bad acid trip with all the strobes and colors; then he took a longer than necessary drink from his beer. He caught my eye again as he brought the bottle back down. His lips puckered as he popped them off of the bottle and he smirked.

_Fuck. _

_Back to the 'reindeer games.' _

"Where'd Jake run off to?" he asked.

I shrugged, trying to be nonchalant. "Not sure. He said something about hanging out by the darts. Wait. How come you're not with them? Where's Jazz?"

It was short for Jasper, one of the _Inner Circle_ of guys. That was my secret name for their clique, because an outsider was never usually allowed to penetrate the circle.

"I thought I saw him with you."

He smirked again and I let out a silent breath.

"Yeah, he's around here somewhere, shit-faced and acting like a total jackass. Huh, I needed a little break from babysitting duty, so I left him in the capable hands of your husband and Emmett."

I smiled. Out of all of Jake's friends, I loved Emmett the most. He was like my scarecrow from _The Wizard of Oz_. Other than that, he was just a big, goofy teddy bear...always happy, kind and thoughtful, not to mention funny as hell. The kind of person you could always count on. The one that was most similar in personality to Jake, with the exception that I didn't think I'd ever seen him lose his temper. I could only assume that was a good thing. He was a big boy, so let's just say he could probably have done some serious damage to anyone who crossed him. Too bad I was never attracted to him in _that _way when we were kids, and before I became the jaded mess that I observed in the mirror every day. Poor guy could never seem to find a decent girl. Maybe he was too sweet. Go figure.

I guess I didn't realize I was lost in my reverie again, my mind continuing to revert backward in time, until I felt his touch on the side of my forearm. It sent an electric shock wave that shot up my arm, through my shoulder and straight to my heart, which stopped beating for a split-second. Once again, I was left breathless and I prayed it wasn't as obvious as it seemed.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Bella. I didn't mean to scare you."

_Damn. No such luck. _

"Hey, where'd you go?" he asked, his face reflecting something I couldn't quite place. Concern?

_Interesting._

"Err, I thought I might have lost you there for a minute." He chuckled.

_Wow, he really had no idea the double meaning behind those words, did he?_

I fucking blushed. Thank God for the multi-colored disco lights dancing off my face, otherwise, the jig would have most definitely been up.

_Good-fucking-grief. If I kept this shit up, I was bound to stroke out by the end of the night. _

"What?" I took a breath. "Oh, shit, sorry!" Then laughed nervously. "Wait. You left Jazz with Jake, Em, and Sam? Nice! Poor dude doesn't have a chance! They'll have him doing Jaeger shots in no time." I giggled. Of course I was joking. He was probably better off with them than with _Mr. Self-Centered _standing in front of me. He laughed whole-heartedly with me, his voice singing to me once again.

_Mmhmm_, he knew he wasn't the most _responsible_ friend on the planet. That didn't mean he didn't love his friends, of course. I guess sometimes he was just a little iffy with his priorities...or so I'd heard. This really was a great group of guys, as far as friends were concerned. Loyal as hell...you messed with one, you messed with them all_..._as close as brothers, and judging from the sheer size of most of them, a force to be reckoned with.

The shortest guy in the _circle_ was almost six feet. Jake? Six-foot-four and built like a brick-fucking-shithouse; he was two inches taller than Edward's six-foot-two inch frame. Edward was a bit lanky, and thinner than Jake, but built as well...sexy, elongated, swimmer-esque muscles. Come to think of it, they were all pretty built, in quite an intimidating way.

Needless to say, they didn't get fucked with a whole lot. Of course, there was always the random jackass who thought he had something to prove. That guy usually walked away bleeding or had to be carried away from the ass whipping _he_ had started in the first place.

_Loyalty...humph._

Loyal, was not the word I would use to describe Edward's what-the-fuck-ever you'd call her, at home.

"Oh, come on, now, Bella." I was snapped again, out of my reverie with the sound of his voice.

_Fuck. Could he just stop talking before I shoved him into a corner somewhere and in turn, shoved myself straight into the divorce court? _

"You know he's probably running the show over there. Rounding up the _young_ ladies and pulling out the credit card for rounds of shots!" He chuckled.

Now, some of us weren't as loaded as others. Don't get me wrong, Jake and I were doing very, very well. He was the CEO of _Black Manufacturing_, the leading car parts manufacturer in the Midwest. His dad, Billy, had started it, but couldn't get it off the ground for some reason, so when Jake was old enough, he took over. After that, the company just literally took flight.

Jake knew how to sell shit to people, he was an absolute natural and knew how to flash those dark brown eyes and brilliant white smile until his prospects were literally under his spell. With my newspaper column in the _Chicago Tribune,_ along with my freelance photography studio, we really had no worries when it came to money. I took a few random shots for the Tribune as well as for other people. It was really a hobby that, fortunately for me, brought in pretty good cash.

Jazz, however, ran one of the biggest real estate companies in greater Chicago and made ridiculous, I mean _ridiculous_ money. Emmett was an electronic genius and his little retail electronics store had gotten so big, that he had chains in several states now. Sam, the quiet one (Detective Uley to be exact), was the most humble of the group and probably the most mature to tell the truth. That wasn't to say that he didn't make some decent dough as a homicide detective for the Chicago PD. I mean he'd been on the force for fifteen years; he'd started soon after he graduated high school and worked his way up quickly. This of course, only added to his wife, Emily's major advances in modern veterinary medicine. She was one of the most well known animal surgeons east of the Mississippi, so they were also sitting fairly pretty.

Then there was Edward..._Doctor_ Edward Cullen. He took after his Daddy, Doctor Carlisle Cullen. Only Edward, last I'd heard, had excelled to head of internal medicine at Chicago Memorial...quite an amazing feat for such a young doctor.

Also needless to say, they seemed to get a lot of attention from theladies, and I didn't fucking need to be reminded of that fact.

My sporadic brain jumped back to a word that had come out of Edward's mouth in his last statement- _young _ladies. If he thought I didn't catch that little jab in my direction, he could think again.

_Asshole._

I raised an eyebrow, gave him a look up and down his body, then clenched my fist and slammed it into his shoulder. And no, I didn't hold back. There was a little bit of angst behind my playful punch and he probably knew it.

"Uh, what are you trying to say, huh? Are you calling me _old_?You know, that just might be grounds for an ass-whipping, Edward Cullen. You should know better than to say that to a woman in her earlythirties. Besides, what are _you_, like _forty _now?"

I flashed a wicked grin. He was only a couple years older, but who was counting?

He -very dramatically- grabbed his shoulder with an extremely forged look of pain and mouthed 'O-W.' With a half-smirk half-cringe, he chuckled and said, "Damn, nice right hook. You been workin' out?" He winked and took on a mischievous gleam. "Hmm, speaking of which..." He quirked an eyebrow and shifted his eyes downward. "Nice jeans."

_God_, my stomach caved in on itselfbefore I immediately found my come back. "Yeah, I think your beer-bottle noticed," I said on my breath, and looked up at him through my lashes.

His eyes grew to the size of half-dollars and he threw his hand up, tearing his beanie off and running his fingers through the disheveled mess of bronze hair on top of his head.

_Oh good move! _He was a smart bastard, creating that diversion,but I could see it in his expression...busted.

_Another minor victory for me. What was it? Three to two now_?

Nevertheless, as soon as the hat came off, my body screamed at me for oxygen because my attention was brought, once again, to the details of his perfect fucking face. His sharp, angular jaw, which I was fighting the urge to sink my teeth into. The slight imperfection in the bridge of his nose that made it just barely crooked. I honestly couldn't even use words to describe his lips. I only allowed myself a fraction of a second to look at them, because the heat that would be created as a result would completely take over my body and consume me. Therefore, I shifted my gaze back to his eyes. They were crystal-clear emeralds that seemed to see right through me...to the very core of my soul_. _

_My soul indeed, huh._ If I even _had_ one. If it wasn't burnt up in the fire, or frozen in the ice of the black hole...the place where my whole heart _had_ been. I mean, Christ, the thoughts I was having...and my husband, apparently the one that did no fucking wrong, was _there_. Even though I didn't think I could see him or he could see me in this crowd of wall-to-wall drunks, he was there just the same.

As if Edward could read my mind, he suddenly darted his eyes behind me and slightly off to the side, then back to me. "Is the back of your head burning?"

"Wh-what?" I knew I must have given him the strangest look, because he dipped his head down and chuckled. He then lifted up only half way, his thumb and forefinger resting on his chin and his forehead crinkled, his eyes looking past me. I could tell he was trying to convey a message to me in a nonchalant sort of way. He was trying; it seemed, to point something out to me without actually pointing. Whatever it was, though, he found amusing.

"You're...well, _we_...are being stared at." His expression changed a little with his statement, and his eyes darkened.

"Jake," I stated without question.

"Mmhmm," he responded, musically.

"Fucking great," I sneered and rolled my eyes. "He's going to need to get the hell over himself tonight." My tone was thick with sarcasm. Edward chortled again and tipped his beer up to take a swig. Irritated, I whipped myself around, to find the source of Edward's amusement.

Off in the distance, there was the group of men that I knew all too well. They were quite far from us, probably at least fifty feet from where we were standing, but I could clearly see my massive husband. He was definitely staring...blatantly and his face was contorted into a menacing scowl. He was glaring, and Edward's assessment was suddenly very clear. If it was at all possible, I was certain that Jacob would've been shooting lasers into the back of my head. I was less than impressed, however, and met his glare with one of my own.

Jacob lifted his arm up and swiped it toward himself violently in a gesture that meant only one thing. _Get your ass over here_. I shook my head, still glaring and mouthed "no." His eyes widened in my defiance and he appeared to show his teeth, I was sure he was now so rabid that he was probably foaming at the mouth. He lifted his arm again and pointed his finger, this time violently motioning toward the floor, as if to say, _right now_. I laughed internally. He knew me better than that. I answered him with a pointed finger of my own, only the finger I held up was my middle one. His mouth fell open and with that, I turned back around to face Edward, who was also staring at me, wide-eyed, mouth open in shock.

"What?" I asked innocently.

He pursed his lips, apparently trying not to smirk, then took a breath and pressed them together, and seemed to be contemplating his words carefully.

"Nothing, really," he finally spoke. "I'm just wondering if you've completely lost your mind." His words were slow and methodical. "I mean, it wasn't at the top of my agenda for the evening, to get into an all-out brawl with your husband." I could sense a hint of acid in his last statement and it irritated me.

_So, now he was going to blame this on me? I wasn't the one that assaulted my own ass with his beer bottle._

"No?" I asked sarcastically. "That's interesting, Edward, I haven't seen you trying to end this conversation at all. Did you want to go ahead and walk away now?" He just stared at me, the emeralds distracting me and nearly making me falter, but I continued. "Walk away, Edward."

A look of frustration and conflict spread across his ridiculously beautiful features and he ran his hand roughly through his hair before meeting my eyes again. Almost inaudibly, he responded to me. "I don't _want_ to walk away." He took a breath and exhaled sharply. My breath caught in my throat and I took a small step back, trying to read his face.

It was resolute, but apprehensive at the same time. How was it that he understood the gravity of the situation we...I was putting us in, it seemed, much more clearly than I did? I understood it, but refused to acknowledge it. I was struck by his words and suddenly felt like I had, in fact lost my mind. So much so that I didn't seem care anymore, who I was hurting in the process. I didn't look back at Jake, but I could still feel his pensive stare and at that moment, I really just wanted to disappear.

"Is he still staring?" I asked, cautiously.

He glanced over my head again and shook his head. "No," he said flatly, "but Emmett's got him corralled at the moment...probably trying to calm him down." He sounded almost robotic, as if he was deliberately controlling his emotion, and my heart was splitting in two.

"Edward," I said softly. "It's ok. It won't hurt my feelings if you want to walk away...salvage what friendship you have left," I lied.

His lips formed a hard line and he looked at me with eyes on fire, responding with a quick but fierce, "No."

The guilt was starting to strangle me and I knew there had already been damage done to my relationship and their friendship. Sadly, I felt worse about the friendship damage than I did about our relationship. Nevertheless, I knew there was going to be an explosion tonight. Whether it would be between Jacob and I or Jacob and Edward was yet to be seen, but the stage had been set.

The most disturbing part was that I didn't want to walk back to Jake. I didn't want to talk to Jake, and I didn't want to leave this bar with Jake. I wanted to get lost, and disappear...with Edward. It was ridiculous, irresponsible, and reckless..._dangerous_ even. To be honest, I wasn't even sure I would be willing to stop the _violent end_ that loomed in the near future...or would I?

XXXX

_**Chapter End Notes:**_

_***A/N: So, do you think Jake might be getting a little "violent" in the near future? Stay tuned for chapter 3. His irritation has only just begun. ;P Thank you so much to those that are reading and leaving me some love in the form of awesome reviews! If you like this story, please tell your friends about it. I definitely don't mind being pimped out…I'm a h00r like that! Lol! I told you guys there'd be a lot of reminiscing for a few chapters. You'll hear and learn more about their marriage background and their twins, as well as Edward's…what did Bella call her…oh, she said his "whatever the fuck you'd call her" *chuckles* Can't wait for you to hear about her…and little Edward. Keep reading!**_


	5. Chapter 3 This House Is Not A Home

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past **

**Chapter 3, "This House Is Not A Home" ~ 3 Days Grace**

_**A/N: This chapter is New and improved thanks to the brilliance of the fabulous 'THESnapCrakklePop' my new beta-bestie! And thanks to some fab-tacular ladies from PTB, 'Love of Escapism' and 'ChristineC23'! Thanks BB's! You bizzaches are on the verge of owning me and I mean that! Don't forget to check out my profile for the awesome banner courtesy of annamorphos- you're awesome, Thank you! Reviews make my world go 'round. **_

**Song Link, This House Is Not A Home: .com/watch?v=9Lio5M3E4Iw**

_**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement is intended and there is no financial gain by myself for this story. All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and its characters…I do not. I did actually come up with the concept of this story, so please don't copy it. Pretty please! **_©2009/2010 WickedCurveBall74/RobsMyEdibleArt, All rights reserved worldwide

XXXX

_"I'll be coming home,_

_just to be alone_

'_Cause I know you're not there,_

_and I know that you don't care_

_I can hardly wait,_

_to leave this place_

_No matter how hard I try,_

_you're never satisfied_

_This is not a home,_

_I think I'm better off alone_

_You always disappear,_

_even when you're here_

_This is not my home,_

_I think I'm better off alone_

_Home_

_Home_

_This house is not a_

_Home..."_

XXXX

I had to be the single worst person I knew_. _

_Yes, definitely going to hell. _

I desperately hoped I wouldn't die before I could either redeem myself, or make sense of the total insanity currently racking my brain cells.

The problem was that I actually did love Jake. He used to be such a great guy, and he was also beautiful, just in a completely different way than Edward. He was almost freakishly tall, broad-shouldered, russet skin and had a thick head of coal-black hair. Not to mention the deepest, sincerest, most beautifully honest set of chocolate brown eyes you'd ever seen. He saved me from myself when I'd given up and begun to waste away to nothingness. He'd loved me more than I had deserved in an almost overwhelming way. In a smothering way.

He became one of my best friends, but as far as _in _love was concerned, I believed that two people had to feel equally as passionate for their relationship to be cohesive.

He changed, it seemed, after the kids were born. I mean, he was such a great dad and the most loyal friend, but when it came to his role as a husband, he fell a little flat. He became overbearing, controlling and condescending. I mean _Jesus_, sometimes, I felt like one of his fucking kids rather than his equal partner.

When the kids came along, it never seemed to be the team-effort, the co-parent united front that I fully expected and wanted it to be. It seemed to be more about a competition as to who was the better parent. What it ended up being was a good cop-bad cop scenario with him taking the good-guy role and me basically laying down the law, handing out the discipline. He had become their buddy. He was a good, fun-loving daddy. The problem came from the way he spoke to me. He had no problem talking to me as if I was a child and calling me out on my discipline decisions within clear earshot of them. It was completely disrespectful and I had _never_ wanted my children to be raised that way.

Of course, he didn't seem to see the problem with questioning me on a daily basis. The kids knew it. They weren't stupid and they definitely wouldn't respect him for giving in to their every whim when they grew up. Still, how in the _fuck_ was I supposed to compete with that? I couldn't see any other way to do it without calling him out at the same time and standing up for myself. It seemed I'd had to stand up for myself so often, that it had gotten to the point t where Jacob would say I was acting like a _psychopath_.

_Very nice. _

I'd never been one to back down from standing my ground, not even to a _giant_ like Jake, but it was as if I was repeatedly beating my head against a brick wall. It was a never-ending battle as to who _wore the pants_. I wouldn't necessarily call him abusive as far as that goes, but overbearing for sure, and extremely unsure of himself. He always had been insecure with me, but it was just much more subtle in the beginning. I guess his way to pull himself out of that was to degrade; to tear down and try to build me back up the way he thought I should've been. He was quite chauvinistic to a point, yes, but that was only what he knew. His mom was as sweet as she could be, but was very old fashioned, and had waited on his Dad pretty much hand and foot. This was how Jacob was raised, so I suppose he couldn't help it...to an extent.

My children never had the chance to meet their grandmother. Sue, Jake's mom, tragically passed from a complication during surgery six years ago. She had a rare genetic condition called _Native American Myopathy. _Because of this disorder, she had a cleft palate that she'd never gotten corrected. She finally decided to do so, despite the risks that both Carlisle- Edward's dad- and Edward himself had explained to her in great detail.

With Edward being a friend of Jake's, Sue felt more comfortable talking to him and Carlisle than a random doctor.

Carlisle had recommended a specialist in this area, one of the best in the country, and she went in for surgery. Unfortunately, a complication of anesthesia during surgery in those that have Native American Myopathy was another rare disorder called 'Malignant Hyperthermia'. This could cause a wide array of problems and in Sue's case; it caused DIC or _Disseminated Intravascular Coagulation_. It was basically this crazy thing that caused her body to form little blood clots everywhere and actually used up the clotting factors. Therefore, if there was a serious injury or -as with Sue- surgery, her body no longer had the ability to form the clots it needed to heal. It caused Sue to hemorrhage, which ultimately and sadly, led to her death.

It nearly crumbled Jake's entire world and he threw himself into taking care of his dad and his business. He spent more and more time away from me. I tried to be there for him, help him through it, but he shut me out completely. He didn't want to talk about it of course, and I just couldn't get through to him. A positive that came out of the tragedy was that he was able to mend and build up his relationship with his dad. He never liked the way his father was with his mom and it put a strain on their relationship. He'd always told me he didn't want that; he didn't want to be that way with me, and that he didn't want me to be his maid. It was perfect because I certainly wasn't raised that way and it simply wasn't like me to act in that manner. Turned out, what he said and what he did were two different things all together.

_If he didn't want that, then what did he want? _

I was raised -on the other hand- by a very erratic, very _ball-busting_ mother, who took exactly zero shit from my dad. _No wonder they were divorced_. So, which was better? I honestly I had no idea, but I actually liked that I was an independent thinker. At least I used to be. It now seemed to be that I couldn't make a decision to fucking save my life because I apparently had no _common sense_- or so I had been told through the years.

I was usually a fairly nice person, but if pushed, I would become the high priestess of _bitch-land_ and it definitely was not a pretty sight. He knew this, and found amusement in pushing me to the brink_. _

The worst part was that I lived my day-to-day life in a state of cloudy confusion because I didn't know how I felt anymore. He was so all over the map, it was nauseating; one minute he would be talking to me as if I didn't understand the English language, and the next minute I was the most beautiful woman in the world and he was so proud of me.

_What?_

It was as if I was on a roller coaster, careening out of control.

_After years of this, I guess you either make a decision to turn a blind eye and pretend that this is what you wanted from life; or you stop dead in your tracks and make a change that will either ruin your life or make your life better. _

My problem...I was stuck somewhere in the middle of all that.

I felt my brow furrow and darkness came over my eyes, but I bit it back and shut that part of my brain off. _Fun_ was the operative word tonight.

"So," I breathed. "What's up with Jazz tonight anyway? Isn't he usually the..." I held up my fingers gesturing quotation marks, "responsible one? Why is he so out of it tonight?"

The look on his beautiful face became incredulous, and he responded, "Seriously? Jake didn't tell you that Ashley dumped him a couple of weeks ago?"

I scowled, thinking to myself. _Pfft, of course he didn't. Just another little issue we seemed to have a problem with...communication. As in, there was none._

I really didn't know Ashley that well, but she seemed like a bit of a flake the couple times I'd met her. I know Jazz hadn't been dating her for all that long, maybe three or four months, but he seemed to like her a lot so it did explain the self-destructive behavior he was apparently exhibiting, per Edward.

"Um, no he didn't." I rolled my eyes. At this point, I didn't give a shit about keeping up the façade that Jake liked to show everyone. I was sure I picked the wrong fucking person to _reveal _this to, however.

Suddenly, I had a brilliant idea...to play matchmaker for my sister and Jasper. I was so excited about it, I squealed like a little girl. "Oh my God, Edward!" I said, as I playfully slapped him on his bicep and a tingle spread through my hand.

_Christ, I'm hopeless._ _And I really need to work on my violent tendencies_.

I ignored my inner dialogue.

His eyes widened and he dramatically covered his mouth with his hands, arching his back and sticking his ass out..._goddamn, he's sexy..._in a very _I'm-trying-to-look-gay-but-I-can't-because-I'm-too-fucking-sexy _gesture.

"Oh my God, Bella!What!"he said in his best high-pitched, very _valley-girl_ like voice. I laughed so hard that I felt my angst melting away. It wasn't gone though. It was _never_ gone.

"You're such an idiot, Edward!" I said between laughs. "No, seriously. We should totallyset him up with Alice! You know, my sister. She's sin-gle!" I sang.

"Well," he chuckled. "Your sister is pretty fucking hot."

I shoved him again more forcefully, but this time he deserved it. "Edward Masen Cullen! Do you _want_ to die tonight? 'Cause I could arrange for that to happen." I glared playfully.

He held his hands up in a surrendering gesture and said through his laughter, "Oh...kay...I'm...sorry, oh mighty one!" Then he burst into a musical fit of laughter that melted my insides into fucking pudding. He returned my violence with a very light playful slug on the shoulder.

"Hey," he began. "What are those kids of yours up to?"

He was referring to our twins, Jake's and mine. There was our son, Robert William. We called him Robby for short. Wasn't my first choice in cool kid names, but it was a family name. _Robert_ was my dad, Charlie's middle name and _William_ was his Dad's first name. Of course, it was _Billy_ to all who knew him. I remembered the ridiculous argument that I honestly could not believe I had to have with Jake, when he actually wanted to name our son William Robert. There was no fucking way my kid was ever going to be called _Billy-Bob, _no way. I won that one, thank God_, _but there really was no compromising...at all.

Then, there was our little girl, Kristen Renee. She was obviously named after my mom. We called her Krissy for short because Jake insisted that _Kris_ was just too boyish for his little girl. Speaking of which, this little chick had her daddy wrapped around her tiny finger so tight, poor guy didn't stand a chance. When she flashed those huge brown eyes at him, he was a blubbering mess in her presence. Of course, Robby was my little mama's boy. That little man melted me, and I was certainly not too proud to admit it. He had the huge brown eyes as well, but lighter, almost a dark caramel color or milk chocolate with tiny specs of blue. They were just breathtaking, and his hair was a lighter brown than his sister's, he had some crimson highlights like his momma.

My eyes lit up as I thought of them. They were my world.

"God, Edward, they're a couple of five-year-old maniacs with more energy than the energizer bunny itself. They want to do everything...baseball, soccer, dance, gymnastics. Robby just informed me the other day that he wants to take guitar lessons. I mean good grief, they both already take piano!" I rolled my eyes. "Insanity!"

I saw the flash in Edward's eyes when I mentioned the musical instruments and I suddenly remembered he played fluently. My mind once again turned back to a long-buried memory. It was a pleasant memory, but painful just the same. _I was sitting in front of Edward as he played me the most beautiful song on his guitar. He told me that he'd written it for me. It was called "Never Think_."

I fought the huge lump in my throat and swallowed it back down.

Who knew if he had really even wrote that song for me.

I continued, "Yeah, they pretty much think Mom and Dad are made of money...that shit's expensive." I smirked. "Hmm, not that you would know anything about that, _Doctor_ Cullen." I cocked my head to the side.

_Hmph...Doctor. Bastard. _

"Oh no." He shook his head and closed his eyes with a strange smile that I couldn't read. "Let's just say, I know someone that likes to spend a lot of money and has no regard for a little thing called a budget."

_Shit. I knew she was going to come up in conversation some time tonight. _

I grinned and quirked an eyebrow at him. "Oh really? And how is our dear Rose doing?"

_Ugh! Rosalie-fucking-Hale. _

My fists clenched instinctively as I tried to let the anger that threatened to strangle me slide back down my throat and absorb itself back into the walls of my stomach. He rolled his eyes at my sarcasm.

"Oh, she's just as superficial as ever...can never seem to have enough shit to either fill the house, her closet or her...person."

Let me put it this way. Rosalie liked to get a little nip and a little tuck from time to time. I could feel the tension come back to my face as I said through clenched teeth and tight lips, "Nothing changes."

Oh, I knew Rose, better than I wanted to.

She was my fucking cousin, and used to be my good friend.

That fizzled pretty fast when she stuck her claws into my ex-boyfriend not even a year after our devastating break-up.

Yeah, obviously it didn't last long with Vic-_whore-_ia. That was my pet name for her. I assumed Edward realized that her pussy was seeing more action than a fucking Bruce Willis movie, and that what I'd said about his dick possibly falling off could actually have become his reality. I assumed the prescription for Valtrex he found with her name on it clued him in. Hmm, seemed his little nympho had a case of herpes..._ouch_.

Unfortunately, he only took a step or two above the Vic-_whore_-ia level trash when he chose to hang out with Rose. Because she was family,I tried so hard to have a halfway decent relationship with her...after the initial shock wore off, of course, and I no longer wanted to dig her eyeballs out of her head with a rusty spoon while tearing off her perfectly gorgeous manicured nails one-by-one.

Screwed up...yes...but I still tried.

Oh, she twisted the knife every chance she got anyway -even before she snatched up my ex- by not showing up to my wedding, and then not acknowledging or attempting to visit when the twins were born. I mean, I dragged my ass to their house 2 years prior to that when _their_ kid was born, but no, the world revolved around Rosalie and if she wasn't getting the attention, she wasn't interested.

The most recent knife-twist happened when she told her mom, my dad's first cousin, that I was saying ridiculous and hurtful things about her side of the family.

_Mother-fucking bitch._

They were absolutely blatant lies that she literally must have pulled directly out of her ass. Yes, she seemed to have a little bit of a problem with that too_._ Because of her, my fucking dad and I had to do some serious damage control; it caused a bit of a rift between our immediate family and theirs. _So be it_. I didn't talk to the bitch anymore, nor would I ever, unless it would be to tell her what a fucking moronic twit I thought she was.

Nope, my blood and her blood no longer mixed. Not at all.

Edward let out a half-sigh, half-nervous laugh and nodded his head in a very subtle way -I wasn't sure he thought I'd noticed- in apparent agreement. I was actually pretty shocked that he was being so candid about, well, that situation, and was even more taken aback when he blurted out, "I still don't trust her any more than I ever have."

This time, he made eye contact with me, his face sober, with a hint of subtle anger.

"Yeah, imagine that,"I said as I flicked my head to the side.

He kept his eyes locked on mine.

_Humph_, it seemed a couple years after they'd gotten together, Rose went a little bit a-stray. I suppose what goes around does, in fact, come around.

My best friend, Angela...

_Damn it, I wish she were here tonight! _She'd never believe...first of all, that I was actually having a conversation with Edward. We usually avoided each other at all costs...and second of all, that we were actually being half-way decent with one another. This was complete insanity!

Well, Angela and her ex-husband Tyler had recently separated at that time; divorce papers had been filed. During that time, Rose took it upon herself to help _heal _Tyler's wounded little heart by fucking the shit out of him in the back seat of her cute little red convertible. Oh, apparently, she was all over the sloppy-seconds_. _

_Oh yeah, Edward, she's such an awesome person, so fucking trust-worthy and loyal._ I seethed to myself.

I chuckled under my breath. There was a bit of a scandalthat ensued after that because soon after, she came up pregnant. Was it Edward's? Was it Tyler's? Who knew? Obviously, Edward stayed with her. He knew _he'd_ been a cheating bastard in the past and maybe he felt this was his penance; anything was possible, but I could never be sure. When the baby was born with very pale skin like Edward and Rosalie- and not the toffee-colored skin of Tyler, who was biracial- the rumors ceased.

Anyway, it didn't really matter anymore. Tyler was about as smart as a doorknob. Angela figured that out, and she was the happiest she'd ever been now with Ben. He was really just the best guy for her and he absolutely adored her.

I gave a cocky, sarcastic chuckle under my breath. Edward caught it and gave me an irritated look. "You know what, Edward; don't look at me like that. You know I'm right," I said, and threw my hands half way up into the air. "I don't even know why-" I stopped myself. It was not even worth it. "Huh, just never mind." His eyes flashed with emotion and I knew he understood what I was getting at.

I tried to lighten things up a bit. "Hey, how's your little man doing? What is he, like eight now?"

Yes, he was. I already knew, but at this point, I was trying to keep the conversation light_. _I really didn't know much else. Jake didn't talk to me about Edward, or Edward's family for that matter.

His green eyes seemed to light on fire when I mentioned his son and his mouth curled up into a proud smile.

"Oh, Kel is doing great! He's a pretty awesome kid. You know he gets that from his dad!"

His son's name was Kellan, which, in and of itself is a very cool name. However, Kellan Cullen, not so much. They called him Kel or Kelly to keep it from sounding weird. Rosalie just loved the name Kellan. Shesaw some hot actor who had the name and insisted on it. _Fucking idiot. _Go figure. She was definitely not the sharpest tool in the shed, for obvious reasons.

I rolled my eyes at him so hard that I thought they might do a three-sixty in my skull. "Wow," I said, shaking my head and looking at him with faux disgust. I mean really, there was no possible way I could look at this man and not want to rip every shred of clothing off of him; use my tongue on him in ways that were probably illegal in forty-eight states. Therefore, disgust just really didn't even register on the radar of my emotions for him. Even as much as I wanted and tried with every cell in my body to hate him for the things he'd done to me, I couldn't do it. So I turned that hatred inward.

Oh, self-loathing was a bitch, but that bitch and I had become great friends.

"Conceited much?" I continued, with a cocky smile. He then instinctively laced his fingers through the disheveled mess on top of his head. It sent a wave of want through my body; the warmth pooled in a certain area and caused me to run my tongue along my bottom lip, and then bite down on it as I struggled for control.

_God, this shit was getting out of hand. _

I wasn't normally like this, but lately my marriage was less than satisfying, and to be quite honest, I'd never gotten the chance to erase Edward completely from my mind. It wasn't like he and Jake were attached at the hip or anything. In fact, they only recently started hanging out again- _and by recently, I mean within the last couple years_. I was barely included in that last couple of years; and I never really wanted to be a part of it. I knew that their separation had everything to do with me where Jake was concerned.

Jake was a few years younger than Edward, and a year younger than me, that had always bothered Jake. It had him intimidated, I supposed, for some reason. His normal insecurities were quite enough, but enter Edward and those insecurities were multiplied by hundreds.

Obviously, he knew how affected I was after...after Edward. For the longest time, even the mention of Edward sent Jake into an all out rage. _That was fun_. He'd never been violent with me, but he could display a pretty nasty temper when he got to that point. Although, I didn't think he'd ever try and mess with Edward because...well, because Edward was a ninth degree black-belt in Japanese was only one higher rank, and he could have qualified for his _Grand Master_ ranking which was only given to ninth and tenth degree black-belts, if he hadn't already gotten that ranking. He used to teach Jiu-Jitsu to kids in the city, but through the grapevine, I'd heard that Rose put a stop to that since he wasn't spending enough time up her ass...probably literally...along with his long hours at the hospital. He wasn't one to necessarily broadcast his talents, but even though he wasn't as physically big as Jake, he was a badass motherfucker and many a dumb-ass had found out the hard way. I had never seen Edward start a fight, but he had no problem whatsoever finishing it. He had a hot temper as well at times, but he actually tried to control himself. Literally, the man was fucking _deadly. _

No shit.

Therefore, apparently they rekindled their bromance or whatever the hell one would to call it, because just as I'd all but forgotten my past, it was shoved back down my throat. Jake would normally go out with the guys, Edward sometimes included, and I stayed home. _Not that I was necessarily invited, it just so happened that their get-togethers were always elsewhere_. That was a benefit to me. Out of sight, out of mind, or so they say, but who was I kidding? I knew whom he was hanging out with, and I couldn't escape the memories each and every time.

I mean, _fuck_, why could he not have moved to Alaska or something, and why did he have to hook up with my cousin, of all the people on the planet..._really?_

I guess I couldn't blame him for that in one respect. Rosalie was about as fucking beautiful as they came. And she was very, _very_ good at her seductive ways. She had long, blonde and golden highlighted hair, _and_ a body to die for...although I internally cheered when she got pregnant. After I had literally vomited in devastation and shock, I rejoiced, if nothing else but for the fact that she was going to add some weight to that perfect ass of hers_. _Oh karma was a bitch though, because my hateful thoughts seemed to melt away her added lard after Kellan was born. _Stupid hot-body-having_ _bitch. And here I am, as scrawny as ever_. At least I'd gained a little bit more of a chest, thanks to the twins.

"So." The voice rocked me again and my eyes met his. "Err...didn't you say a friend of yours was coming? Is Angela going to be here?"

I took a deep breath and willed myself to get a damned grip.

"Uh, no, I was talking about my friend Jessica. If I ever find her, I'll have to introduce you." He got a puzzled look, so I elaborated. "I met her at an old job. She's pretty cool, kind of walks to the beat of her own drum, but a lot of fun to hang out with. I don't think you know her."

_Jesus, like there was no one outside their little 'world' of friends._

He flashed his famous crooked grin, the one that made me dizzy, but grounded at the same time, and said, "Is she hot?"

I smacked his shoulder in a knee-jerk reaction and blurted, "My God, Edward, you're such a fucking tool sometimes!"

He chuckled and I batted my eyelashes, responding in the most sarcastic voice I could muster. "Um, I wouldn't know. See, I don't swing that way. I'm not like your little _wifey_ at home."

He wasn't actually married, and probably never would be, to her anyway. I couldn't blame the guy for that.

He clutched at his chest and gave me a horrified look.

"Oh, yeah, I know about the three-some, _baby_, so you better be nice to me tonight, because I've got some ammo just waiting to be used." I glared.

"That was a long time-she wanted-you-are you blackmailing- " He stopped himself and shook his head in defeat.

_That's right, mofo, don't push me. _

"No, Edward. Blackmail would mean I was trying to make you do something in order for me _not _to tell your little dirty secrets!" I laughed. "Anyway, besides that, _Cockward_..." I quirked an eyebrow "...she's here with someone. She just got back together with her _ex_." I emphasized the word, and watched as he drew in a silent breath, his face looked as if he'd seen a ghost.

"Oh," he whispered. It was all he could seem to get out. He was staring at me. Just fucking staring, and his eyes were almost like laser beams, keeping me in this trance. I couldn't take my eyes off of his.

"Bells!"

I heard it, but couldn't respond.

"Bells!"

Again, I was too transfixed on a set of hypnotizing emeralds and couldn't, for the life of me, break my gaze.

"B-E-L-L-A!" Jake's hand hooked around the inside of my elbow and spun me around like a top to face him.

I was instantly ripped from my hypnotized state and was staring at the twisted face of my very pissed husband, his eyes black with fury. I had to take control and quick. I blinked my eyes a couple times, and then furrowed my brow in frustration. I mean, _good Lord_, we weren't fucking making out.

We really were just talking.

"What!" I hissed.

He met my hiss with the same amount of fury. "What the _hell, _Bella?"

Oh, jealousy was definitely rearing its ugly-ass head tonight.

XXXX

_***A/N:**_ *_**singing* I want to hear from you! So, how 'bout that Rosalie? She's a peach, huh? Don't blame Edward just yet…wait 'til his pov to decide whether to chastise him or not. (chapter 7) Like I've said before…Jake's jealousy is just getting started, so please stay tuned to see just how crazy shit's about to get! Alright…y'all know what I want, so get to it! Review your cute little asses off! (err, please?)Short chappie coming up next…and you'll get acquainted with Jessica. She's a bit of a hoot. Bye now. ;-P**_


	6. Chapter 4 Just Like A Pill

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past**

**Chapter 4, "Just Like A Pill" ~ Pink**

_**A/N: Once again, I have my fabulous "Queen of the Betas" THESnapCrakklePop to thank for this new and improved chapter 4. I'm excited to say that along with SCP, I have two permanent betas from PTB, 'Love Of Escapism' and 'ChristineC23'…all of you rock my friggin' socks…you DA BOMB! Massive thanks to my Twi'd beta, Browns…you're amazin' woman! Don't forget to check out my profile for some links. Below is the song link, click on it and listen while ya read…sets the mood for the chap!**_

**Song Link, Just Like A Pill: .com/watch?v=MCwwXanvgOM**

_**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended and there is no financial gain by myself for this story. All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and its characters…I do not. This story, however, is mine…so don't copy it. Okie-dokie?. **_

©2009/2010 WickedCurveBall74/RobsMyEdibleArt, All rights reserved worldwide.

XXXX

_"I'm lying here on the floor where you left me_

_I think I took too much_

_I'm crying here,_

_What have you done?_

_I thought it would be fun._

_I can't stay on your life support,_

_There's a shortage in the switch._

_I can't stay on your morphine,_

'_Cause it's making me itch._

_I said I tried to call the nurse again,_

_But she's being a little bitch._

_I think I'll get out of here,_

_Where I can run,_

_Just as fast as I can,_

_To the middle of nowhere,_

_To the middle of my frustrated fears._

_And I swear,_

_You're just like a pill._

_Instead of making me better,_

_You keep making me ill._

_You keep making me ill..."_

XXXX

"What do you MEAN, _what the hell_, Jacob?"

He sighed and rubbed the palm of his hand on his closed eyes a couple times, as I continued to talk.

"Jacob. I was waiting for Jess and Mike to show up...I had to use the restroom...and when I came out, I ran into Edward, o-fucking-kay?" I growled.

He narrowed his eyes at me as his nostrils flared. I swore I could see a little fire coming out of them when he exhaled. He wouldn't even look in Edward's direction and I couldn't help but wonder what the expression on _his_ face looked like.

"Yeah?" Jacob spoke through gritted teeth, "Well, Jessica's here already. She saw meand has been standing over there..."as he threw his arm, pointing his finger in the opposite direction "...for ten_-_damned_-_minutes waiting for you, Bella, so I told her I'd go find you." He huffed.

"Well, I guess you certainly did, now didn't you." I seethed. "Excuse the fuckout of me for not having my crystalball handy tonight to know exactly where the hell she was. I sent her a goddamnedtext!" I yelled, wondering why the hell Jacob was making such a big deal out of this.

I exhaled sharply, then turned my head, "Hey Edward, I-I'm going to go find Jess. I'll talk to you later."

He gave me a sympathetic glance and nodded once, looking concerned and a touch irritated with Jake. I nodded back and turned toward Jake. I closed my eyes in irritation as I passed him, brushing against his shirt and propelling myself forward.

At that moment, I walked away from my past...and my present.

XXXX

I nearly fucking ran right into Jessica because my eyes were getting blurry, and the tears that were pooling there were stinging and threatening to spill over my lids. Once again, I was back to _pissed_; therefore I wasn't necessarily watching where I was going as I shoved my way through the crowded club.

"Whoa_, _whoa_, _whoa...whatthe...Bella!"

I snapped my head up just in time to see Jess standing right in front of me with her hands up and her brow furrowed in worry. She placed her hands on each side of me my arms, to stop me.

"H-Hey," I stammered, too irritated to concentrate on what was happening around me.

"Dude, what the shit is the matter? You look like someone totally pissed in your Wheaties and you're about to give them a beat-down. Oh my God, are those tears? What th- Bella, are you crying? What the hell did Jake say to you? I found where you were when I watched him walk over to you. He seemed _uber_ pissed, and...who was that sexy mofo you were chatting with over there? Bella, talk to me, girl, sheesh!"

I rolled my tear-filled eyes and blurted out, without thinking because my savvy people-skills were gone.

"Well, _fuck, _Jess, I would if I could get a word in!"

She narrowed her eyes and glared at me. _Whatever_. She knew she was a motor mouth, everyone that knew her did too and I didn't have a problem reminding her of that little trait she possessed. Just...well...not usually in such a harsh way.

"I'm not fucking crying," I said as my voice broke. "It's just Jake. He's being the world's biggest douche tonight and I've pretty much reached my breaking point."

She sighed and nodded her head in immediate understanding. "Ok, and..." She cleared her throat and threw her head in the direction I'd come from. "Who's Mr. Sex-On-Legs, GQ stud over there?" She was moving her eyebrows up and down, sporting the goofiest, most ridiculous grin. Seeing that, I burst into laughter, shaking my head from side to side. Jess was such a goof ball and she had a way of bringing me up for air when I felt like I was drowning, like tonight for instance.

I cringed as I lowered my head and looked up at her through my lashes. "Umm, that's...Edward."

She just stared at me for a second with a look of _who the fuck is that_ and then suddenly, her eyes widened and her mouth fell open in recognition. She quickly covered it with her cupped hand.

"What? Edward, your old boyfriend, Edward? Edward that you lived with before, that cheated on you with some nasty skank and now has a kid with your slut-puppy cousin, Rose? That Edward? Is that the Edward of whom we are currently speaking?_" _

Yeah, I was pretty much an open book when it came to my friends and telling them my life story. I kept my mouth shut and tried to wipe the smirk off my face as she continued without taking a breath. So _Jessica_ of her.

"Wow, he's just...JesusChrist! Your description of him didn't even begin to explain how hot...what's he doing here? What were you guys talking about? GoodLord, I thought Jake was going to lose his shit! How the godforsakenhell did you keep from ripping his clothes off and-" That's when I stopped her, well, interrupted her is more like it. It had to be done. For fuck sake, this girl could probably have won a gold medal on the Olympic swim team for as long as she could hold her breath.

"Jess! Fuck! Take a damned breath; come up for air for a second." I sighed and ran my hand through my hair. "Look, it's a long story and it's complicated." I sighed again. "Yes, he's ridiculously, amazingly, fucking good-looking. I ran into him coming out of the restroom. Well, apparently his beer bottle ran into my ass," I mumbled under my breath. "We got to talking, I guess I lost track of time, and the fact that I was looking for you. Then Jake came over and showed his ass and, fuck! I-I don't know what I'm doing. I need a drink. Wait. Jess, where's Mike?"

I didn't even realize I'd been rambling until I made eye contact with her. She was staring at me, frozen, with her jaw just hanging open. She shook her head vigorously as if to jolt herself back to reality, her light-brown curls cascading over her shoulders, and blinked her hazel-colored eyes.

I was an eye-person. I guess I just noticed them and the colors usually fascinated me. Seemed I could learn a lot about someone by the expression and depth of their eyes. Even if their mouth was lying, their eyes usually weren't capable. In the words of Shakespeare, _"The eyes are the windows to the soul."_

She opened her mouth to speak, but closed it again. Epic. Jessica Stanley was speechless.

Great.

This, confirming that I was, in fact, as fucked up as I seemed.

Of course, I overestimated Jessica's inarticulate state because I saw her eyes flash. As she drew in a deep breath, I thought to myself, _Shit, this is going be a long one...and we have lift off._

"What? Oh, Mike. He saw an old buddy from college -Eric I think- playing a game of pool and decided to join him for a bit while I caught up with you." She rolled her eyes and smiled. "He's so cute...all asking my permission if he can play with his friends and stuff." She giggled. I almost threw up in my mouth a little bit. Amazingly, she kept talking. "I love it when he does that, you know; he's so sweet about it too. He'll like, start rubbing my shoulders. Oh, and he's so great at massages," she squeaked. "Then he's all like, asking me if he can go hang out with his buddies and I'm like, 'duh, I know you were just buttering me up'...and...WAIT!" She stopped mid-fucking-sentence. Again...epic. I wasn't so lucky, though, because I hadn't realized I'd let my mouth run over, until she blurted out, "Di-did you say something about his beer bottle...touching...your ass? Bella!" Her voice raised a couple octaves, "Oh. Mah. God. Dude, you have to give me det-,"

"Jess!" I interrupted her once again. "Jess, listen, please DO NOT, I repeat, do not let that slip out if you happen to be in the same fucking STATE as Jacob, for the love of GOD!"

"Oh, of course, no, I would never." And she shook her head in understanding.

I ran both of my hands through my hair and fisted it. "Shit. I need a drink. You want to go with?" She shot me a glare that I could read from a mile away, and I responded to her thought. "Ok! I will give you details later. Right now, though, I'm getting a drink." She nodded her hyperactive head and skipped toward me, lacing her arm through mine as we...well, I stalked, she skipped...to the bar.

On the way to the bar, we started to pass the pool-table area, which just happened to be right near the darts. Mike was just finishing his game of pool and Jess said she wanted to introduce us. As we stopped, I saw and felt a pair of dark-brown eyes, burning with fire. They caught me for a second before I quickly shifted my gaze from them to the pair of stunning emerald eyes; they were burning with equally as much fire, but one of a different kind. I then shifted my gaze quickly back to Jess.

She was beaming from ear to ear as she took a hold of Mike's arm and gestured her other hand toward me.

I took in his appearance as Jessica squeaked in anticipation of our meeting. He wasn't really a tall guy, less than six feet for sure. He was sort of scruffy but in a fairly stylish sort of way, his blonde hair clean cut and spiked just in the front. The hiking boots he was sporting didn't necessarily go with the stylish jeans and long-sleeved polo shirt-which was a little, too wrinkled for my taste, but _to each his own_. He was built well, had a decent body, I suppose, and all in all, was a halfway good-looking guy. He was, however, definitely not on the same level as Jacob or...Edward. I did have to snort internally when I noticed the up-turned collar on his shirt. _Oh good grief, _I thought to myself, _that screams "douche bag."_

"Mikey, this is my friend Bella. Bella, this is my Mikey."

I tried not to gag at the cutesy sound in Jess's voice as I extended my hand to shake his.

"Nice to meet you, there, _Mikey." _I smirked.

Mike got the biggest goofy, lopsided grin on his face and was doing something with his eyes. I think he was trying to be sexy or something. I don't know, but it was creepy. He grabbed my hand and shook it several times, then abruptly stopped and raised it to his face, landing a sloppy kiss on the back of it.

_Fucking gross._

I tried to smile as genuinely as I could and discreetly wiped the back of my hand on my jeans.

"Is-a-bella." He was talking in some terribly fake Italian accent. "Bon Journo!"

_Ugh, annoying as hell. _I let out a weak and very fake giggle, rolling my eyes and shaking my head.

"No, it's just 'Bella'. Nobody really calls me Isabella anymore," I said politely.

"Oh, well...hey, no problem-o, Bella!" he chirped. At least it was his normal voice. "Nice to meet you," he said and winked.

_Ok, I've had enough of him for...ever._

I rolled my eyes again. It was a reaction that I didn't mean to really be visible, but it was just kind of a knee-jerk reaction. Mike smiled and let out a nervous, embarrassed laugh and then I felt like a complete bitch. I couldn't help it when I giggled, though and I slapped my hand over my mouth to try and stifle it. I mean, he seemed like a nice enough guy, just a little bit on the_ nerdy-but-I-think-I'm-cool_ side. He was definitely perfect for Jessica. I don't really know why they ever broke up in the first place. Those two were made for each other.

Jess piped up, "Isn't my man just the sweetest thing?" This elicited a massive wave of crimson that swept over Mike's face.

Out of nowhere, Mike was suddenly shoved from the side. I heard the "_Umph!"_ that escaped from him and watched in horror as he was launched to the side, landing about 5 feet from where he was previously standing, and toppled on the floor like a rag-doll.

Jessica shrieked, "Oh my God! Baby! Are you ok?"

She bolted over to kneel next to Mike, lifting his head up with her trembling hands. Mike groaned and looked up at his perpetrator in shock and fear. At the same time, I turned around.

What I saw made me dizzy. I felt a rush of vertigo and my ears began to ring. My husband was standing there like a rabid wolf, glaring and showing his teeth, his chest heaving in and out. He raised his arm, extending it in Mike's direction and pointed at him.

"YOU...stay the HELL away from my wife, ASSHOLE!"He roared.

For a moment, all I could do was stand in shock as I took in his horrifying form. This was the man I was married to. This was the man I had vowed to love and _cherish_ for the rest of my life, and right now, he made me feel sick to my stomach.

I felt like I could do nothing about it. He was a monster, by the sheer size of him and at that moment, the menacing rumble coming from his snarling mouth.

I couldn't deal with this anymore. I wanted to just spit in his face, and tell him to go fuck himself forever and get the hell out of my life. That, however, was a little difficult when the kids were involved.

My body began to tremble and I could barely control it. The shock turned to anger and I began to feel the adrenalin rush throughout my body, flowing down my arms. I immediately clenched my fists and ground my teeth, the blood flowing rapidly through my veins and the heat rising in my head as I turned, preparing to face-off with the _monster_ I was unsure I could _love_ any longer.

XXXX

***A/N-Chapter End Notes:** _***grinning wickedly* Oooooooh, what do you think Bella's going to do here? I can guarantee you that her temper rivals his own, so stay tuned, people! Review and review some more! It makes my insanity a little more bearable. Seriously. Up next…Bella's wrath, and *sigh* Docward in all his glory. **_


	7. Chapter 5 Apocolypse Please

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past**

**Chapter 5, "Apocalypse Please" ~ Muse**

_***A/N: Big thanks to my original betas, THEsnapcrakklepop (check out her fic on ff-Blackout), Love Of Escapism, and ChristineC23. And of course, the talented Sam for the banner. Which you can see on my profile page. Much love, ladies! New readers are creeping in every day (unless my email box is lying to me. Lol.), and I love it! If you're reading, please review! I want to know what you think. I promise I will read it and respond. Ok, on with the madness. Bella's wrath is not pretty. Read on.**_

_**** I wanted to let you all know I've gone back on each chapter and posted a you tube link to the song and chapter title. I put a lot into choosing a song for the chapter, and each one signifies what the chapter is all about, sets the tone. I'd love it if you listened to the song while you read! **_

**Song Link, Apocalypse Please: ****.com/watch?v=YFrl01aPPkA**

_**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended and there is no financial gain by myself for this story. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and its characters…I do not. I own the jumbled mess of words you see below. **_©2009/2010 WickedCurveBall74/RobsMyEdibleArt, All rights reserved worldwide

XXXX

"_Declare this an emergency, _

_Come on and spread a sense of urgency_

_And pull us through_

_And pull us through_

_And this is the end….of the world_

_It's time we saw a miracle_

_Come on it's time for something biblical_

_To pull us through_

_And pull us through_

_And this is the end….of the world_

_Proclaim eternal victory_

_Come on and change the course of history_

_And pull us through_

_And pull us through_

_And this is the end….this is the end…of the world"_

XXXX

Instantly, I was filled with rage as I used both of my hands to shove Jacob away with everything I had in me. He took a couple of steps backward and shifted his glare to me, then widened his eyes in shock as he took in my toxic scowl.

"What the _fuck are you doing, Jake_?" I roared. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I was appalled at the way he was acting. Who the fuck did he think he was?

I whipped around and started to follow Jessica to see if Mike was ok. Jacob hooked his huge hand to the inside of my elbow, and I was jerked back around to face him. I heard a loud _crack_ and was stunned as I realized the palm of my hand had encountered his cheek violently.

I gasped and for a brief moment, and was taken aback by my own actions. It was short-lived, however, as my mind quickly put back together the sequence of events that had taken place just moments before; I could feel my body begin to tremble once again with rage.

"Bella!" he blurted, one hand resting on his cheek, the other gripping my arm. The look on his face was a mixture of shock, confusion, and anger.

I seethed and screamed at him. "_You stupid, jealous fucking idiot_!"

His eyes darted from me to Mike and back to me as he spoke through clenched teeth. I could see his jugular throbbing on the side of his neck.

"What do you mea_- _what are you- you're going over_ there,_ to see if that jerk is ok? He-He just _kissed you_…on your hand…and you _let _him…with your husband standing not twenty feet away! What the _hell_, Bella?"

I was so angry that I could've sworn the entire room turned blood-red. I clenched my fists, glaring, my chest now heaving in and out, as I tried to regain control before one of us ended up in jail. It was then that I realized my right hand was throbbing, but I paid no attention to it, and continued my tirade aimed at Jacob.

"Are you kidding me?" I spat, then roared, "You're _fucking _kidding me, _right_?"

He shook his head slightly, in confusion.

"_Goddamn you, Jacob Black!_ That _jerk_, or _asshole_, or whatever the hell you called him, happens to be Jessica's boyfriend…well, ex-boyfriend, but now boyfriend! He was actually being a gentleman. I mean, I know that's something you don't quite understand, but…" and he cut me off,

"Bells. Hold on a minute…I-I'm—" He looked conflicted as he shifted his eyes from me to Mike to Jess and back to me, but his expression became more like he wanted to tuck his tail right between his legs.

I held my hand up and closed my eyes, still breathing fire and gritting my teeth.

"I don't want to hear _anything _out of you, Jake. Now, if you'll excuseme, I have to go and explain to someone I JUST MET…that my husband is a jealous motherfucker! That my ridiculous husband thought that he was trying to take me home and screw my brains out! I've fucking _had_ it with this shit, Jake!First, you embarrass me in front of Edward when I was just talking to him…"

He smirked and shook his head.

"And YES, we were just talking, you _psycho…_and now this shit! You need to seriously get a hold of yourself, Jake, because _you_ are really just embarrassing yourself! Now, fucking _let_ go of me!"

I saw the muscles in his jaw tighten as he clenched his teeth. He took a deep breath through his nose, causing his nostrils to flare, and closed his eyes. He let go of my left arm, which he had a tight grip on, and crossed his arms across his chest, his biceps bulging through his tight-fitting shirt.

"Jesus_, _Bella, why don't you watch your mouth? Do you really have to use that word every time you open it?" He hissed, looking at me in disgust.

I cocked my head to the side and raised an eyebrow at him,

"What word, Jake? F-U-C-K?"I said it slow and deliberate, enunciated each letter. "_That_ fucking word, Jake?" I fumed, provoking him.

He narrowed his eyes, glaring at me. I did the same, and for about sixty full seconds, it was a full on glare-a-thon. Neither of us blinked.

"Bella! Bella!" It was Jess calling me, pulling me out of my raging indignation. I turned my head to see what was going on and was surprised to see that a few of the guys had walked over to her and Mike. They were standing around them.

It was Emmett, Jasper and Edward. Emmett and Jasper were standing just to the side of Mike and Jess, with their arms crossed over their chests, and seemed to be involved in a serious conversation. Their faces somber; they would look from each other to Jake and me, then back at each other.

_Great. _

They probably thought I was the world's biggest bitch right now.

_Humph. Like I care,_ I thought.

Edward, who apparently had removed his party hat and replaced it with his doctor hat, was leaning down a little. He had his hands on either side of Mike's head and he was moving it slowly in all directions, asking him questions each time he moved it. Someone, I assume Jess (and on Edward's direction I was sure) had gone to the bar and gotten a cloth with ice in it, which Mike was holding to the side of his head. I watched Edward, in all his beautiful doctor glory, as he lifted the ice pack and gently pressed on the tender area. Mike responded with a slight wince and raised his shoulders in an obvious show of pain.

One of the bouncers had walked over to Edward and Mike. He asked a question to which I saw Edward gesture to himself and say something that looked like it included the word "doctor". He then said, as I read his exquisite, doctor lips, "I think he'll be ok," to the bouncer, who glanced at Jake. I noticed him mentally take in Jake's physical size, scowl and then stalk away.

"Humph…" I heard Jake snicker. "…what a freaking _marshmallow-ass_ pussy."

I whipped around like an Oklahoma tornado, the proverbial steam exploding from what seemed like every orifice of my face. I clenched my fists into tight balls, ready and willing. _This_ time…I wanted to punch him in the face instead of slapping him. I was suddenly reminded by the sharp, throbbing pain that shot from my fingers to the crux of my elbow, that I was in no shape to be hitting anything and probably was in need of some ice myself. As painful as it was, I kept my hands clenched into fists and slammed them to my sides…jutting them toward the floor, growling and spitting like a rabid dog.

"Ugh! You _stupid fucking moron_! Is there something mentally wrong with you?I think you just might need to get your head checked!Maybe…just maybewe should callDoctor Edward over here to check you out too, hmm?"

It was a low blow, I knew that, but at this point, he had pushed me beyond my capabilities of control and I was teetering dangerously on the edge of an all-out, total and complete mental meltdown.

He looked at me in shock for about ten seconds before he narrowed his eyes. The only thing I could see in his eyes was darkness…like two perfectly round onyx staring back at me. His pupils dilated in anger and he lowered his head to meet my stare, his forehead almost touching mine, and he hissed through his teeth.

"Good one, Bells, I bet you'd like that…you probably want to—"

I cut him off. He meant for this gesture to scare me, but I didn't flinch at all.

"Shut up, Jake! Just shut the fuck up!" I used my left pointer finger and shoved it into his massive chest, "You make me _sick_," I snarled. "I'm leaving…right _now!_ I have to get awayfrom you. I need some space." With that, I swung around to my left and started to stalk off in the direction of Mike and Jess, barely noticing Emmett and Jazz staring at us with concern.

"Oh, you're not going anywhere!" Jake snarled back at me. He reached out at the same time as my right hand flung backward with my momentum, and grabbed on to it.

I heard the scream, but didn't realize it had come from my own lips until I felt the excruciating pain completely engulf my hand. I doubled over, feeling sick to my stomach, holding my right hand with my left.

In a flash, both Emmett and Jasper were at Jacob's sides, holding his arms and pushing him backward.

"Dude, Dude, _Dude_…" I heard Emmett call out.

Then I heard Jasper's southern drawl. "Jake, what the fuck are you doing? Relax, man, she's hurt!"

"I didn't _do_ anything," Jacob growled. "I grabbed her hand!" I looked up and saw recognition flicker in his eyes. "It must've been the one she slapped me with." Just as I scowled in his direction, and turned my back on him, I heard him call out, "_Dammit! _Bells…I'm sorry!"

"Man, just back the fuck off, _Jesus Christ_!" I heard Emmett's voice shout. That might have been the one and only time that I actually recognized anger lacing it.

At that same moment, I felt someone's hand on my shoulders, slowly moving me to stand up.

"Oh!" Jessica, who was still hovering around Mike, had just noticed me. I was still doubled over and my face, I was certain, was twisted in pain as I tried not to pass out.

_Poor girl, she hasn't been subjected to my 'Jerry Springer' life up until now. _

"Bella! My God, is she ok?" Jessica squealed again.

I heard a sigh and a voice…a voice I would know if I was lost on a desolate planet on the opposite side of the universe. The voice spoke so low it was almost a whisper. "Hey," the beautiful sound engulfed me.

A rush of calm swept over me and I rose up…too quickly. The dizziness hit me like a ton of bricks, and I nearly collapsed in his arms.

_Fuck, I hate myself for being this weak in front of him, of all people._

He cupped my face with his hand and I felt a jolt of electricity run through my body. "Yeah, I think she's going to make it," he responded to Jessica with a breathy chuckle. I looked up at him and tried to smile as he held my head in place, forcing me to look into his eyes.

_Bastard._

I felt faint again, but this time, not from the pain.

"H—hey there slugger," he laughed softly but sounded exasperated, as if he was trying to hide his concern. "Uh, y—you alright?"

I sighed, a deep…exhausted…overwhelmed sigh and nodded my head, "Uh, yeah. I slapped Jake," I mumbled without thinking.

He chuckled under his breath again.

I looked up at him, the expression on my face, I was sure, one of confusion and chagrin.

"Um, yes, I—_we_…pretty much saw that coming." He grinned wildly and I rolled my eyes.

"Glad I amuse you so much." I glanced down at my hand, which was visibly swelling and already starting to bruise.

"Shit," I breathed, "my hand is killing me."

He slowly reached for it and looked me in the eye. "May I?" he asked, sounding very doctor-like. My legs went weak, and it wasn't from pain at all. Edward's voice was enough to bring me to my knees at any given time, but when he used his "doctor" tone, I pictured him in a lab coat…and nothing else. I shook my head, bringing myself back to the reality of the situation.

"Wait," I said as I sucked in a breath and jerked back away from him a little. "F—forget about this. I need to know how Mike is doing. Is he ok?"

He nodded his head and spoke softly, his voice dripping with silver and gold. "He's fine. Just got the wind knocked out of him, and the side of his head is a little tender. No signs of a concussion at all. He just needs to keep some ice on the bump, maybe take a pain pill or two, and before you know it, he'll be kissing strange girls' hands like nobody's business." He grinned, crinkling his eyes, and undeniable warmth spread through my body like wildfire.

"Bella?" I heard Jess's timid voice as she approached me with obvious caution; as if I would crack like an eggshell should she touch me.

"Oh my God, Jess, I am so fucking sorry about all of this! I can't believe that stupid son-of-a-b—,"I stopped when I saw her shaking her head.

"No, no. Please, he's fine ok?" She laughed weakly and continued. "He said he'd probably have done the same thing if he thought some guy was trying to hit on me." She rolled her eyes, "But I think he's really trying to play off the embarrassment."

"I know, Jess, I'm so sorry. I have to go and apologize to Mike." She nodded her head and I tore myself from Edward's force field, and then stalked toward where Mike was standing. He had taken the ice off his head and was looking somewhere between stunned and utterly humiliated. His friend Eric was standing next to him, and they seemed to be involved in a quiet, but light-hearted conversation. Eric was an equally, if not more, nerdy guy…wearingthick glasses that disappeared into his dark, shaggy hair which covered his ears.

"M—Mike?" I stammered, feeling like the biggest heel on the face of the planet. He seemed startled, but when he looked at me, his eyes softened.

"_God_, Mike, I am so sorry! My husband…he's…well…he's a jealous _asshole_ and he overreacted. God, I'm _so_ sorry. Are…are you ok?" I could feel my face getting hot and my eyes starting to well up a little.

Mike chuckled softly and reached his hand up to the tender spot on his head.

"H—hey there, Bella. I'll be alright. Don't you worry about me, fair Isa-bella!" He brought back his sad impression of an Italian accent, eliciting a relieved giggle from me.

"Oh, thank God! I was so afraid you were really hurt and—"

"Oh, no," he said and threw his head back a little as if that was a ridiculous insinuation. "Fit as a fiddle, Ma'am. Really, I'd probably be the same way if I thought some dude was trying to hit on my woman."

I smiled, internally rolling my eyes. "Ok, Mike. Well again, I'm so very sorry and if you need anything, please let me know."

"I'm _all _good." He pounded on his chest lightly, mimicking King Kong.

I placed my hand on his and spoke so low it was almost a whisper, "Alright, well, I better get back to Dr. Cullen over there. It seems I can't slap my jerk of a husband without injuring myself."

He furrowed his brow, "Oh, _ouch_. Well, ok, um, you go take care of that. Hey, and don't be too hard on him. For me? Like I said, I'm really ok. Oh, and tell Doc Edward over there I said thanks. He seems like a really decent guy. Uh, i—is he a friend of yours?"

I frowned at that word…_friend_…before I sighed. "Uh, yeah. Well, he's sort of a friend of Jake's…err…my husband," I mumbled, "but there's a little bit of history there I guess. Um, I've known him for a while."

Mike nodded knowingly and grinned. "Yeah, I figured that much," he said with the slightest hint of sarcasm, and I caught it.

I drew in a breath. "What? What do you mean?" I asked, looking incredulous and shaking my head slightly.

He chuckled and shook his head, "Nothing. Just…some things are too strong to deny. Now, go see Doc and get your hand looked at."

I was stunned. I gave him a weak, half-hearted smile as I tried to process what he had just said to me.

"Oh, uh, ok. I'll see ya, Mike." I turned back toward Edward, who was alternating his glance from me to the floor and back to me.

_My God._

_Is it that fucking obvious?_

_Am I such a pathetic idiot…that even Mike could see it?_

I caught his gaze the second time he shifted his eyes back to me and we both froze. When I slowly started toward him again, I felt like I was drifting in slow motion. The noise from the crowded bar seems to dissipate and everyone seemed to melt away…everyone but him. His eyes widened as he took in my expression and it was almost as if we could hear one another's hearts beating.

For the first time in a long time, I was no longer confused about what I wanted…what I needed. On the other hand, I was devastated by the fact that I knew I would never have it…again. Still, his eyes seemed to be talking to me, to my heart. "Let's get out of here," they said; his hypnotizing voice rang absolute in my head, "be with me."

I wondered what it would take, to simply just disappear…with him. What would it would be like to just forget my life with Jacob and plunge head first into the love I once lost…the love I still _needed_.

All at once, I thought of my children and snapped myself out of the ridiculous fantasy I was conjuring up. How could I do that to them? They were the most important people in my life, and even if Edward _did_ want the same thing I did…or thought I did…maybe I didn't…I wasn't sure…which he _didn't_…there would be no way around hurting my babies. Jacob would see to it that things got very messy and ugly. That was a fact.

Suddenly, my decision was all too clear. I needed to go. I needed to separate myself; I needed to get as far away from this place, from Jacob, and from Edward, in order to regain my senses. It had to be done…and I needed to do it now.

XXXX

_***A/N: Uh-huh…I told you she was a feisty one, that Bella. Shouldn't Jake know better, married to her for ten years? Meh, but he doesn't. So, what do you think she's going to do? You think she'll run? You think she'll stay? Will she run away with Edward? Stay tuned to find out. Reviewers get a free physical exam from Docward. *smirk***_


	8. Chapter 6 Anywhere But Here

**Forsaken In My Minds Past**

**Chapter 6, "Anywhere But Here" ~ Safety Suit**

_**A/N:**__**New stuff in this one, guys…the confrontation between Jake and Edward is MUCH more intense! Check it out! I have to thank my awesome betas of course, THEsnapcrakklepop, Love Of Escapism, and ChristineC23….much love girls! Much fucking love! Thank you to all my loyal readers and reviewers, as well as the newbies! You all make me want to keep writing. **_

**Song Link, Anywhere But Here: ****.com/watch?v=IzdPeMQSPqM**

_**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement is intended. All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and the characters…I, unfortunately, do not. The songs are owned by the respective artists, record labels, etc. and not by me. This concept and story-line, however, are mine…mine, I say! *chuckles* **_©2009/2010 WickedCurveBall74/RobsMyEdibleArt, All rights reserved worldwide.

XXXX

"_Is this the end of a moment, _

_Or just a beautiful unfolding,_

_Of a love that will never be_

_Or maybe be_

_Everything that I thought could never happen_

_Or ever come to pass and_

_I wonder_

_If maybe, maybe I could be_

_All you ever dreamed_

'_cause you are beautiful inside_

_So lovely and I_

_Can't see why I'd do anything without you_

_You are_

_And when I'm not with you I know that it's true_

_That I'd rather be anywhere but here without you…."_

XXXX

All I knew was that I just needed to get the _hell_ away from all this shit…right now.

I was met by Jess after taking a couple wobbly steps, but my eyes were still trained on Edward's. I couldn't take my eyes off of them. It was physically impossible; I was entranced.

"Hey, Girl," she chirped, almost back to her flighty-self.

"Hey," I responded sheepishly. This whole disastrous night had completely exhausted me.

"Listen, don't take this the wrong way," Jess pleaded, "but Mike and I are going to go. We've got an early morning tomorrow and…anyway, it's probably for the best." She shot a quick glance in Jake's direction, who, at this point had gone back over to hang out with Sam, the one who seemed to have kept a safe distance during the commotion.

"Umm, Jess?" I sighed and ran my good hand through my hair once again, "I was wondering if…err…well, if maybe you and Mike could give me a ride home? I really need to get the hell out of here."

She hesitated, "Well, uh, sure Bella, but, what about your hand?" She stammered as she stared down at my now _very_ swollen and prominently bruised right hand.

I shook my head and grimaced. "It's fine. It'll be fine. I'll put some ice on it when I get home and take some Vicodin or something."

I heard Jess take in a startled breath as I felt a hand on my shoulder. At that same moment, I jumped…not really because it scared me…I was a little startled…but more so because of the jolt of energy that it sent down my torso and through my legs.

"Bella." His voice was like my favorite song. I couldn't stop listening to it.

I turned to face him and tried to hold my breath, willing the pain to just go away. I wanted to be a statue, because if I moved or breathed, he would know that I was in pain. Of course, he would be a fucking _doctor_ and try to fix it. The longer he and I stayed around each other, the more likely that this night would end up in apocalyptic disaster, even worse than it was right now. At this moment, however, I wasn't too sure that was even possible.

I refused to look at him, because I knew that if I did, I would lose all traces of my resolve.

"Bella, I need to look at your hand. Please let me." His voice was pleading, his breath washed over me like fresh rain in the spring. I knew in my heart I couldn't deny him, even though I kept trying.

My stubborn self provided me with one more moment of dignity, as I continued to look away, refusing to give him an answer.

"Bella."

I was silent still.

"Bella," he sighed harshly. "Look at me. I need you to look at me, please."

I mentally inserted "baby" after he said "look at me" the second time and gasped to myself.

_God, you're such an idiot_, I said to myself internally.

If he had said that to me, I probably would have berated him for being a pompous asshole, but oh how I wanted him to say that to me so badly. Finally, I looked up at him and tried to slow my rapid heart beat.

"Edward," I sighed, "I—I just need to get out of here. I can't deal with this shit anymore.

"I know, sweetie, I know…but that looks pretty bad and I really need to take a closer look."

_Well, fuck me if he didn't just call me sweetie. That bastard_.

Seemed he was pulling out the big-guns to get me to cooperate. He still fucking knew me too well, which was ridiculous for not seeing someone in a more than a year and literally not talking for, well, years.

I couldn't keep from wondering why. Why was he being so nice? Was he just being a responsible doctor because he had to…or was there more to it? Why was he pushing me so hard to let him check out my hand? I mean, it looked bad, but it wasn't some dire emergency. It wasn't mangled and half falling off or anything. Did he still think about me? Was he still…_no_, I couldn't let myself go there, not right now, _not ever_.

_Just shut up already,_ I told myself. I couldn't understand why I continued to entertain these ridiculous thoughts. He was just being a doctor, and a friend. He cared about me, _of course_ he cared about me. That was as far as it went, though, and I seriously needed to get a grip. I wanted to say no. I wanted him away from me. At least I _wanted_ to want him away from me. I'd already taken our little _conversation_ too far and I needed to start worrying about damage control. At that moment, however, I was toast. I knew it as well as he did.

"Fine," I grumbled and meekly nodded my head. I then turned to my friend, embarrassed and irritated with myself. "Jess, I guess I'll just talk to you later."

She smiled at me, but in a sad way and gave me a quick hug around my neck. "Ok, Bella. I'll talk to you later. You'll call me tomorrow, right. Ok, bye!" It wasn't a question, and strangely she seemed a little bit excited about something…I was too annoyed to try to figure out what. I nodded in agreement and she bounced over to Mike as they both turned toward the door.

"OW, _shit_!" I shrieked. Edward had pressed on the area right beneath my middle finger on the palm of my right hand. Even though I knew he'd done it as gently as he could, it felt like he was shoving needles into my hand, like my bones were splintering. I tried to pull my hand back at the same time, but Edward had a _he-man_ grip on my forearm.

"Oh, fuck_, _Bella. I'm so sorry!" His voice was impetuous with emotion.

"That _fucking _hurts like hell," I groaned, my eyes stinging with tears that I didn't want to fall. He sighed and ran his free hand through the bronze chaos on top of his head. This completely distracted me from my pain for a second, and meanwhile, he lightly touched my hand again.

"Agh! Stop it!" I winced. He frowned and looked at me with a touch of distress. Then he ran his hand once again through his untamed, out of control and completely sex, bed head mane, and sighed.

"Bella, I—I think you've broken one of the metacarpals in your hand, but there's no way for me to be completely sure unless I get an x-ray of it."

I gasped, "What? Oh, no, you've got to be kidding me, right_? Fuck!_" Then I ran my good hand through my now tangled and sweaty hair.

"Bella, I know you don't want to go to the ER, but this is necessary. You _need_ that treated." His eyes were fierce with conviction and completely melting me, my insides turning into fucking butter. This only irritated me further.

"Shit! Fine!"I barked at him and he flashed me that godforsaken crooked smile. I honestly would have given in to literally anything at that moment.

"Alright. See, that wasn't so hard now, was it?" He said, smirking as he did so.

"Don't be a smartass, Edward. I'm so_not_ in the mood for that shit right now."

He pretended to wipe the smirk off his face and chuckled. "Ok, you sit tight, slugger. I'm going to go tell Jackass where we're going."

I snapped my head up, "What? We? _You_ and me? Edward, I don't think that's such a good—"

He held his hand up to stop me. "Okay then, would you rather Jake take you?"

I studied his face for a moment before I realized he was serious. He would step aside, as much as I could tell he didn't want to, if I told him I did want Jake to take me to the hospital.

I shook my head. "No, I don't. He's the reason I'm in this ridiculous situation right now, and quite frankly, I don't even want to talk to him." I spoke through tight lips, "But, what about Jazz or Em?" I asked, my eyes pleading. I just knew what would result from Edward taking me anywhere alone. It was quite possible that the apocalyptic disaster I had predicted just might be inevitable at this point.

"Bella," He sighed. "First of all, those guys have been drinking a lot more than me. Secondly, they wouldn't be able to get you right in to see Carlisle like I can. But, Bella we _need_ to go. His shift will be over in an hour," he stated, matter-of-factly.

I dropped my head and gazed at the floor in defeat. I knew I couldn't argue with him, even though I kept running through scenarios in my mind. Noting my concession, he abruptly turned and stalked off toward Jake.

I could feel bile rising in my throat. As much as I wanted to believe that this was all on Jake tonight, even though he almost knocked Mike completely out (someone he didn't even know) merely for talking to me and greeting me with a overly dramatic and obviously fake kiss on the hand, I couldn't help but feel like this was completely, entirely my fault. I felt that even though he reacted like a crazy person before finding out what was actually going on, and even though I felt in my heart that he was more furious with Edward for talking to me. I knew Jake wished like hell that he could physically over power Edward. I also knew, as well as Jake did, that he couldn't, and this fact drove him over the edge.

I should have ignored his impudent behavior at the concert. I should have just plastered a smile on my face and pretended to be smitten,still, with my husband. I should have ignored Edward. I should have kept myself glued to Jake's hip and stared only at him all night. Why couldn't I just do that? Why couldn't I just be a good wife, _ever_? A Stepford-wife…a fucking robot…because that's what it would take, apparently, to make him happy.

I knew this was an irrational thought process, but it had become a normal irrational thought process for me. I felt as though I had no identity anymore, other than the _guilty party._ No matter how nonsensical the situation, I took it on. I guess I'd rather absorb the blame anymore, than fight with him. The latter took too much energy. Bella Swan-Black, the guilty party, at your service_. _That was who I had become.

"_What_!" I heard Jake's snarling tone and snapped my head up in the direction of where he and Edward were standing. "You're going to _what?_" I DON'T THINK SO, MAN! Have you totally lost your mind?"

I noticed that Edward was shaking his head from side-to-side, glaring at Jake in complete annoyance. Emmet and Jasper had taken a protective stance on each side of Jake and Edward, and Sam had placed a wary hand on Jake's shoulder.

They all knew the potential outcome of an altercation between those two. Jake would put up a good fight. Even if he didn't prevail, he would be hard to take down by anyone, based merely on his massive size. He would be hard to take down, that is, unless you were Edward Cullen…a step down from Grand-fucking-Master in Japanese Jiu-Jitsu, who could probably take down fucking Godzilla with one spinning round-house kick to the head.

Edward responded with a hiss, his voice dripping with venom.

"No, unlike someone else, I haven't fucking lost my mind tonight, man! Her fucking hand is _broken_, no-fucking-thanks to you, and_ I'm_ taking her to the hospital so Carlisle and I can take care of it!"

Jake emitted a low growl and I could see his nostrils flaring. Suddenly, I heard Sam's calm, authoritative voice, the only cop out of the group. "Calm down, Jake. Take it easy, both of you. I don't want to have to haul either one of you in tonight."

Jake and Edward continued to glower at one another and Jake gestured in a swiping motion, stating matter-of-factly,

"No way. HELL no. You are _not_ taking my wife anywhere. I won't allow it!"

Edward smirked and pointed a finger in Jacob's direction, "Dude, I didn't come over here to ask your fucking permission. I came over here to tell you what's about to happen. She's injured. I can get her in quicker than you or anybody else, and besides that she doesn't even want to fucking _talk_ to you, let alone ride in a car with you so that you can berate her the entire way there, and tell her what a fucking terrible person she is. She already feels like this is all her fault because of your bullshit and it's just _not_!"

He turned to talk away, but abruptly turned back again, "You know what Jake, maybe that's your problem. Maybe if you treated her like the blessing that she _is_ to you, instead of your mother-fucking _property_, just _maybe_ you wouldn't find yourself in such precarious situations. I could be so fucking lucky. You have a beautiful, smart, good-hearted, strong-willed girl right there that you can't even drop your fucking ego for five-fucking-minutes to appreciate her_._ You're acting like such a fucking _idiot_!"

With that, he turned toward me, but abruptly turned back upon Jake's snarling response. "Well, it certainly didn't take _you_ very long to _not_ appreciate her, did it, Edward!" Jake followed this with a menacing chuckle, "What was it? A year? Less, maybe, for you to screw a prostitute behind her back?" Then he growled, "I've loved her _a lot_ longer than you!"

Edward charged toward Jacob and Jasper moved his own body in front of him, trying to push him backward as Edward screamed, "YOU LOVE HER, JAKE? Is that right? That's where you want to take this, you _mother-fucking_ PRICK!" He was still charging; Jasper was still shielding as Edward pointed and hissed at Jake. "You've got NO RIGHT to talk about what I did! _You_ don't even _know_ what love is! You fucking love her when it _suits your fucking_ PURPOSE, _Jake_! All you've _ever_ been was a little boy who was infatuated with her, so _fuck_ you!" He spat, but continued, "You have no idea how I feel. No idea! Besides that, motherfucker, my feelings are _none_ of your business!"

I physically had to shove my jaw back up to close my mouth, which- by the way- had fallen open in disbelief from what I had heard just come out of Edward's mouth. I was stunned that he could still say I was beautiful. Next to Rosalie, I felt like a troll. I couldn't believe how he went completely off on Jacob. _Motherfucker is right, _I thought to myself. He deserved it. For a split second, a smile played at the corner of my mouth…

That is, until I saw Jacob lunge at Edward.

It all happened in a matter of seconds that felt like hours. It felt like slow motion as I watched in utter horror.

"Jacob, _stop it!_" I screamed, but he was too far gone.

Instantly, Emmett grabbed him around the waist, his arms flailing, trying to get at Edward. Sam struggled to grab his massive arms, which were more like small tree trunks, if you will. At the same time, Edward turned and immediately took a defensive stance. Jazz turned to face Edward and touched his chest, shaking his head and shooting him a worried glance.

That sobered them all up pretty damned quickly_._

Edward paid no attention and continued to glare at Jake, showing his teeth as he seethed.

Emmett, who had a hold of Jake, spoke slowly and rhythmically.

"Jake…dude, take a breath man. Take a breath. You know this is a very bad idea. A very _very _bad idea_._ We don't need to see who has the biggest cock right now, Dude, so just fucking _let_ him take her to the hospital and get her hand taken care of_. _No matter what happened or happens, Jake, Bells is hurtand she needs to go. Sam, Jazz, and me…we have all had a little too much to drink to be fucking around out on the road and Edward can get her right in. Come on, Dude, just chill the fuck out…for all of us_._"

They were all standing not ten feet from me, so I could hear everything that was being said. Jake's breathing slowed and he looked at Emmett, his irritation melting into confusion. He then looked over at me, his brown eyes full of conflicted sorrow, then at my hand, which I was still cradling with my left, and back to me.

He grimaced slightly and started shaking his head. He looked at Edward, this time, emotionless, nodded once and turned away.

Edward laid a hand on Jasper's shoulder and spoke in a low murmur, "I'm ok, Man, just…try and make sure he doesn't attempt to fucking kill someone because he's pissed at me." Jazz nodded his head and Edward turned toward me.

The adulation in his expression was overwhelming as his eyes swept over me, sending a wave of warmth through my frozen body. He advanced toward me deliberately, reaching out and brushing his fingertips along the back of my left arm. I shivered; not from the cold, but from emotion that was slowly taking hold of me again.

My mind began to reel with the preceding events and I wondered to myself just how far I was going to let this go. If there even was a "this." I kept eye contact with him and as he brushed my arm with his electric touch, his perfect jaw tightened…now sharper than ever and I saw the muscles flex in his cheeks.

"Let's go," he murmured. His voice was barely audible; his eyes then shifted and fixed on the door. I turned with him and willed my legs to move, one in front of the other. My gait felt unsteady as I meandered along with Edward, toward the outside.

As I looked up at him, his expression had changed to one of disdain. I knew in that moment, that the previous conflict between Jacob and Edward was now an open, festering abscess that would not be healed easily or quickly, if ever, and that the friendship they'd built back up was all but fucked_._

I let out a deep sigh as a fresh wave of guilt washed over me and I choked back the stinging tears that threatened to show themselves on my cheeks. I chewed on my lower lip to still it from the mutinous tremble that was fighting my teeth. I couldn't even make myself look behind me to meet the desolate brown eyes that I knew were raging.

As I followed Edward's lead out into the crisp November Chicago air, I threw the iron doors open to my past…exposing the burning hole of fire and ice that now gaped in my empty chest_._

XXXX

_**A/N: Oh snap! Yes, she did just leave with Edward. By the way, who do you think would've won that fight? Reviews get you a long car ride to the hospital with Docward! Get **__**on it, people. ;-P Ok, Edward's pov is next…he's kind of a self-loathing mofo. Maybe he'll get a little sympathy? We'll see! **_


	9. Chapter 7 Burn

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past**

**Chapter 7, "Burn" ~ Ray LaMontagne**

Edward's POV

_**A/N: Once again, much love to my original 3 lovely betas…THEsnapcrakklepop, Love of Escapism, and ChristineC23! I couldn't have done it (correctly) without you sexy girls. I hope you enjoy a little bit of Edward's pov. He's a bit of a self-loathing mofo…but, we still love him, right? Huge thanks to all my readers and loyal reviewers. Seriously, you make my pen move on the paper. Don't forget to check out my profile for some pics I've posted to relate to the story, along with some quotes from the story; my banner, made by the lovely anamorphos; and the link to other things such as this story on Twilighted!**_

**Song Link, Burn: ****.com/watch?v=BsaeatKAPpU**

_**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended. Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and characters…I do not. I just like to put them in my own sick and twisted idea of fun scenarios! I just own the crazy situation below. It's mine, so no copying. **_©2009/2010 WickedCurveBall74/RobsMyEdibleArt, All rights reserved worldwide.

XXXX

"_Oh Mama, don't walk away_

_I'm a goddamned sore loser, _

_I ain't too proud to stay_

_But I'm still thinking about you_

_And I'm so lonesome without you_

_And I can't get you out of my mind_

_Oh Mama, don't leave me alone_

_With my soul sat down so tight _

_It's like a stone cold tomb_

_Ain't it clear when I'm near you_

_I'm just dying to hear you, _

_Calling my name one more time_

_Oh so don't pay no mind_

_To my watering eyes_

_Must be something in the air that I'm breathing_

_Yes'n I try to ignore, _

_All this blood on the floor_

_It's just this heart on my sleeve that's a'bleeding…"_

XXXX

I honestly didn't even know what the _fuck_ I was thinking.

Taking my ex-girlfriend, who happens to be one of my friend's wives, to the hospital after a fucking altercation that _they_ had, no less, with each other.

My head was screaming at me that this was a _horrible_ idea. The worst idea I'd had since…well since a lot of things. Of course, then there was my idiotic, masochistic, ridiculous, _heart_.

My traitorous heart was giving me absolutely no other choice in the matter.

I should have been listening to my head, but you know what? _Fuck_ _my head_.

I had listened to that bastard way too many times in my life. Yes, it had gotten me my career, my livelihood, my status, even my beautiful son, who I would've given my life for, but it had also caused me to make decisions that completely contradicted my heart, and hide from the things that I really wanted and needed in my life.

Maybe that was why I was such a bitter asshole on the inside.

My head and my heart had gone rounds for sure, always arguing and causing all kinds of inner turmoil. It was not pretty. Sort of my own little internal "_Clash of the Titans_". It was a wonder I didn't have a massive ulcer eating away at my insides.

One example of this inner turmoil is my son.

_Whom __I love more than anything in this godforsaken world__. I'd do anything for him, anything_.

His mother, on the other hand, was a different story all together.

She was an evil, vindictive, manipulative, _succubus_ that had virtually sucked the life out of me and left me an empty, soulless creature, much like herself.

At least I was well aware of when I've fucked up someone else's life- I actually _had_ a conscience. On the other hand, I was equally certain that Rosalie wasn't even born with one. She took and she took, never giving in return. As long as you were giving to her, she was a happy camper. _By giving, I am referring to items of monetary value_. All she cared about was money and she really was so blatant about it that it was mind-boggling. She was definitely not shy about her gold digging, to say the least.

Apparently, my head didn't really know shit when it came to who I thought I was in love withfrom time to time. I had tried to love Rose, believe me I tried. It was an impossible feat, especially when someone else would't leave my mind…or my heart. I was so fucked up when Rose and I hooked up.

I say 'hooked up' because that was what it was. That was what it had been. That was what it _always_ has been.

I was fucked up about a lot of things in my life at that time. I was trying to finish up med school, which was literally consuming me, and almost my every waking moment. Add that to the fact that I was still trying to keep up with my boys, Em & Jazz, on the party-front. I was drinking myself into oblivion and was taking home virtually any female that had a pulse, because I was trying to smother the aching I had for the woman that I loved more than anything. The woman I'd lost because I couldn't handle it…because I was _weak_.

I was determined to prove to myself that I wasn't a pussy, that I didn't need her- didn't love her- because obviously I didn't if I cheated on her, right? I was going to be one of the boys again, but I had forgotten how difficult it was to keep up with those particular boys.

_I speak of one in particular, one of my two best friends, Emmett McCarty_.

Emmett was a freak of nature, and was literally fucking impossible to keep up with. That motherfucker could drink two cases of beer in a period of a few short hours. Once he'd had enough alcohol to tranquilize an elephant, he could then proceed to recite the fucking alphabet backward, forward, and any other way; he could walk a line so straight it would challenge a seasoned tight-rope circus performer, then turn and perform multiple back-flips in the same fucking straight line he'd just walked. I'd also, unfortunately, had to listen as he recited the Declaration of Independence ver-fucking-batim after several "_keg-stands_." I had seen this shit with my own eyes. No, no one could keep up with Emmett and no, I'd never seen anything else like it in my life.

Nevertheless, I tried to keep up. This equated to my grades slipping- literally an ignorant game of '_Russian Roulette_' in med school- which also equated to lecture after godforsaken lecture I was forced to listen to from my father, Carlisle. He rode my ass for months and I hated him for it the whole time. I was a complete dumb-ass because _hello_, he'd been through med school. He actually knew what he was talking about. However, I was 23 years old and king of the world, listening to my '_wise_' father was not on the top of the to-do list for me. Therefore, it took the academic dean more or less telling me that I was dangerously close to fucking up my entire life, to snap me out of my haze.

One thing in particular stood out in my mind as to the cause of the conundrum I called mylife.

If you talked to any psychotherapist, they would say that there was a '_root issue_' to any young person's _'__acting out'_ behavior.

My particular '_root issue_' revolved around a certain girl. A girl that I let go of for selfish reasons. A girl that I shattered, that I chewed up and spit out. I had single-handedly ruined all hope of her ever trusting me or loving meagain.

To say that Bella was simply my ex-girlfriend- that I just happened to be taking to the hospital at that moment because I was a doctor and she had gotten an injury- was the _mother-fucking _understatement of the year.

She was my ex-girlfriend, yes, but more so than that…she was _it._

_She was the love of my life._

She was the one that every other girl had to measure up to and the one that no one could even come close to.

She was the most beautiful person on the inside and out_._

I knew very shortly after we started seeing each other that…_no, scratch that_…

I knew _before _we even started seeing each other, that there would never be another Bella. Never. I could admit it now; I was a creepy stalker for some time before she agreed to go out with me, but I finally got her to- and she was so much more than I ever even anticipated. I could not even attempt to elaborate on the feeling she gave me because it would seriously make me sound like a fucking woman. Things were beyond amazing with us and I just let go. I went with it and I was happy, for a while.

I was happy, that is, until I sabotaged it. When the feelings came too fast and too strong, it scared the absolute shit out of me and essentially, I fucked it up_._ I was in med school, not expecting to fall in love for quite some time and was blind-sided. I thought it was wrong. Like any other stupid douche-bag, I felt like I was a pussy…or pussy-whipped, I guess. I thought I was going to fuck up my school and my career, so I let myself get scared, like a dumb motherfucker, and I snapped.

I listened to both of my heads, one of which I should never have listened to for matters of the heart and the other one, which I just should have never listened to, period.

The one in my pants convinced the one on my shoulders that one girl was just not enough. I ran into a, well, _skank_ is the only appropriate word that came to mind. So I ran into a skank that I'd known years before. Victoria was an easy lay, and she made it painfully obvious what she was after. I would never forgive myself for the hasty decision I made that night, which changed me forever. Whether this decision was conscious or subconscious, I did't know, but I basically made a decision to sabotage my relationship.

I had to get out.

Because, even though my ego was telling me I was such a pussy for falling so hard, in all actuality, I really was a total and complete pussy for not having the gonads to talk to Bella about my fears. Instead, I just did what any other Neanderthal would do.

I let another woman wrap her lips around my dick and suck me until I came….hard in her mouth. The bitch knew what she was doing, but it wasn't the best I'd ever had, to say the least. Afterward, she danced for me…lap-danced was more like it. It was the naughtiest fucking lap-dance I'd _ever_ received from even a professional stripper and it didn't take long for my dick to respond to that. It lengthened and hardened…pulsed under her as she ground herself on top of me. She had some sort of power over me that I couldn't understand. I didn't want her. She was nothing to me. Fortunately, I don't remember much about the night that I literally screwed up my relationship with Bella. I'm sure the bottle of Jack Daniels I had finished off just before she shoved me onto her bed, helped my lack of memory.

But I let her do it.

I let her help me destroy the best thing- the best person- I'd ever had or ever would have in my life, as she ripped my clothes off without hesitation, and climbed on top of me…bucking and grinding, her nails digging into my skin_._

I do remember, however, that she fucked me until we both came so hard that I nearly ripped the sheets that I had fisted in my hands off of her bed, and she drew blood from my shoulders, crying out my name and moaning that I was the best she'd ever had.

Was it hot? Absolutely. But I knew as soon as my mind came back to me that I'd screwed myself, and my life would never be the same.

I tried to keep it from Bella because I was terrified of the inevitable…of losing her. I knew it would happen, I just didn't know when, but what I should've known was that Victoria couldn't keep her fucking mouth shut. The day that she called my cell while I was in the shower and candidly told Bella- in fucking detail- what we had done was the single worst day of my entire life.

I couldn't deny it when Bella confronted me, with white fire in her blue eyes. They were burning a hole right through mine and she gripped my phone in her tiny hand so tightly that her fingers were as white as bone. That catastrophe was exactly what it took for her to tell me it was over, and I suppose I should have been happy that I no longer had a reason to be worried. I was free. If that was what I wanted, however, why did it shatter me into a million tiny shards of glass? I was suddenly more terrified to live without her than I had ever been of being in love with her. Unfortunately for me, she knew who Victoria was and she knew her history…namely because _I_ had told Bella of her history.

It disgusted her…_I disgusted her_ as I should have, and I disgusted myself. And then, just like that, she was gone.

The following day, she had come back to the apartment to gather her belongings and _God_, I begged and pleaded with her to stay and give me another chance. Even though I knew I didn't deserve another chance from her.

I would never forget what she said to me before she left that day. She knew Victoria was a fucking whore, and I knew it too, even if I didn't want to believe it.

I'd lost her and I was lost myself.

Of course, I tried to be a tough-guy about it, denying I ever gave a shit, to myself anyway. I could never deny it to Bella, however. I fucking begged her to stay, pleaded until I had nothing left. I would've given my life to see her smile again, to have her look at me the way she did before. I might have caught a glimpse of that tonight, but I wasn't holding my breath.

Those that knew me, however, knew better than to buy into the pretense that I didn't give a shit, and I knew it myself. Even Bella knew, but she refused to talk to me after that. She avoided me like the plague and she had every right. I tried to get to her; tried to find her and continue to grovel until she agreed to take me back, because I honestly didn't know how to live without her. She even left town to keep me away and I guess I finally got the fucking message when her family refused to tell me where she was or even talk to me about her. I was too much of a coward to be considered a deranged stalker, so I finally just gave up.

Victoria, on the other hand, attached herself to me like a leech for months, saying she wanted to be with me. I was pretty sure all she was interested in was what was between my legs. _I'm not a conceited guy by any means, but when you have a hot, fiery red-head constantly grabbing your cock and licking her lips saying how much she wanted it in her mouth and buried inside of her- I mean, I __am a man for Christ's sake__- the ego and the hormones tend to take over_. She was definitely hot. Of course, she did turn out to be the whore I was warned about, and knew about. The bitch had skills, and I found out soon enough, that she had them for a reason.

So we fucked a lot…_a lot_.

It was all the girl wanted to do, _ever._

I know other douche-bags would've wondered what the hell I was whining about but seriously, after a while the shit got old.

When I found out where she was sneaking off to late at night…when she said she had to go take care of her sick Grandma- the oldest trick in the fucking book, and I believed it like a goddamned moron- it turned my stomach.

To find out that she was, in fact, a professional stripper with, let's just say_, __added_ benefits for some of her more frequent and higher paying clients, was enough for me to show her the fucking door. She kept trying to manipulate her way back into my life, but I was over it.

That was when I drowned myself in school, got back into the gym, added a couple more belts to my Jiu-Jitsu collection, and started running with my boys again. Like I said, I was trying to fill all the holes in my soul with alcohol.

But the black hole just _could't_ be filled.

It consumed me and wanted more.

It got just what it wanted when I was slapped in the face with the reality that Bella had moved on. She was seeing someone and seemed to be…happy. The proverbial rug had been yanked from under me, knocking me right on my ass, and even worse was whom she was with.

Jacob Black.

An old friend of mine, and someone with whom I still hung out with from time to time. He was a few years younger than me, but had grown up near me and knew all the guys, so he'd started going out with us quite a bit. I'd kind of shown him the ropes, so to speak, with picking up girls and they took quite well to him. He was a good-looking guy and he had little trouble in that department. Not to mention, the way that boy was built made him seem much older than he was. I knew he played with girls a lot and was never a big _romantic_, but still they flocked to him. In fact, I remember Bella mentioning on several occasions when we were…together, her distaste for his lack of class with the ladies.

I noticed a change in him, however, after the demise of Bella and me. He started to befriend her and seemed more interested in what she was doing. He tried to talk to me about her over and over, and I just blew him off. There was no way I could deal with that. I paid less and less attention to his ramblings about her as I fell deeper and deeper into my black hole…submerging myself with anything that _wasn't_ Bella Swan.

So, the shock I felt when I was informed of their relationship status was like an earthquake that split my world in two.

I had no right to feel anything but happiness for her as well as for him, I understood that. Apparently, she had gotten the better guy. She'd gotten the younger guy, of course, but better just the same. Obviously Bella didn't put up with much bullshit from what I'd heard- because back then I just couldn't force myself to be around _them_- he did seem to be overtly smitten with her.

_Turns out, hindsight's twenty-twenty._

When I forced myself to remember, I recognized how- when Bella and I lived together- he'd always try to joke around with her to make her laugh. He would light up a little when he'd come over and she was home. All things I had never recognized before because _I_ was smitten too. Unfortunately, I was just too fucking stupid to keep her.

I remember thinking that maybe he wouldn't fucking screw up and hurt her like I did. Bella deserved so much more than that. The callous monster inside of me, however, wished that he would…that somehow, he would fuck it up and she'd come running back to me, arms wide open. _Right_!

_Fuck!_ I screamed at myself internally.

I pounded my fist on my steering wheel and sucked in a harsh breath, not realizing my memories had gotten the best of me. I stole a glance at Bella out of my peripheral vision, hoping she hadn't noticed my blatant display of torment. Thankfully, it didn't seem to faze her. My subtle violent outburst apparently didn't help bring me out of my treachery either, because my mind was again submerged in my past.

Jake had always been a reliable guy. One you could always count on, who wouldn't let you down. And now, he…well…he had m_-my_ girl. If only that statement were even remotely true. It wasn't; she wasn't mine anymore. She was his. He knew it…and I knew it.

Once again, I threw on my mask. He, being the decent guy, actually tried to talk to me about it, but I brushed him off. I told the kid not to worry about it. We were long over…ancient history_, _but inside I wanted to violently remove his head from his broad mother-fucking shoulders. I just couldn't be _that_ guy, though.

When I got word of their engagement, I was done pretending. My heart was gone. It disappeared. I disappeared, the Edward that I knew, the Edward that loved Bella. I took on a different identity, a reckless one. I didn't give a shit about myself anymore and just went through the motions of life because I had nothing else. I had to pour my energy into something productive so that I wouldn't completely destroy myself, and I did that for my parents. I knew it would kill them if I didn't follow through with what I'd started in medical school and I didn't want to disappoint them. I still had _that_ at least.

My music, essentially my second love in life, was all but forgotten. I couldn't look at my guitar or play a gig without thinking of her…the song I wrote her. I couldn't…not without thinking about the way her eyes would come to life as I sang to her from the stage, the way they glistened with love and pride for me. I loved the way she would fuss over what to wear to the clubs where I played and while getting ready, would crinkle her nose in annoyance at what she saw in the mirror. I always had to laugh at her and tell her she didn't see what _I_ did.

No, that shit was gone. It had to be, and I didn't look at my guitar for a long fucking time after that. My friends and band mates understood and didn't question me. I'm sure they themselves were worried that I would choke in the middle of a song or something anyway.

After my self-destructive period was over and I realized what I had to do, my life became about my career and not much else. I dedicated myself to my schooling, and graduated at the top of my class. Afterward, I started my residency at Chicago General. It was the same place where my father had taken his turn, and where he still worked as the head of orthopedic surgery.

The same place I was currently taking this woman, right now, whom I'd lost so many years ago…to see Carlisle.

_Carlisle_, the moral master…the amazing husband, devoted father and world-class physician. I mentally prepared myself for his disappointment, and my internal voice rang in my head.

_Home-wrecker. _That was what I would be in his eyes, although he would never say it. He didn't have to because I already knew it.

_I should just add that to the end of my name from now on when I introduce myself._

_Hello, I'm Doctor Edward Cullen, home-wrecker extraordinaire_, I chuckled to myself humorlessly.

_I might as well warn people right off the bat, right?_

At least they would know they were dealing with a soulless fiend…a man that could only fall in love with a woman who was already taken by another man.

I furrowed my brow as I thought, _Does it fucking matter that the man she's with doesn't deserve her passing glance?_ I gripped the steering wheel tightly as I prepared myself for silent berating I would receive- and yes, he was fucking good at that, the devastating look of a disappointed father- once we reached the hospital.

XXXX

_**Chapter End Notes, A/N: Are we feeling sorry for the good doctor yet? Hmm, if I know some of you, probably not. Well, keep reading, Edward's pov continues for the next couple chapters…more about our favorite blonde, Rosalie up next. Bring on the reviews! Can't wait to hear from you…reviewers get to comfort Edward as he beats himself up in the car. You know what I mean by 'comfort' right? *wink* I know, I'm sick and I need help…I'll deal with that, uh, later.**_


	10. Chapter 8 Your Disease

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past **

**Chapter 8, "Your Disease" ~ Saliva**

Edward's POV continued…

_****A/N: As always…my betas on this, THEsnapcrakklepop, Love Of Escapism, and ChristineC23, are amazing and actually make me look good! Keep the reviews coming, it makes my world go 'round. Don't forget to check out my profile for some links to my awesome banner (anamorphos- talent doesn't even describe you. Thanks!), some pics I've chosen for the story, and manips made by the fabulous Ceci. **_

_********__I hope you all are enjoying the music…it really does reflect on the chapter 'mood' so check it out and listen while you read. This song reflects precisely how Edward feels about his ex, Rosalie. Lots more about her in this chapter, so have fun with that!_

**Song Link, Your Disease: ****.com/watch?v=R7z2lJhaFds&ob=av2e**

_**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight, its characters, and ME, of course. So, the Twilight Saga is **__**her**__** bitch, FIMMP is **__**mine**__**. Okie dokie? **_©2009/2010 WickedCurveBall74/RobsMyEdibleArt, All rights reserved worldwide.

XXXX

"_Huh!_

_The one moment I'm going all the way_

_I make my poetry every day_

_And I'm frozen, coming right on time, _

_I froze my mind with that serious rhyme_

_And I'm open, coming up inside_

_You know my mind has a grand design_

_And flowing going all the way, _

_I make my point to be everyday_

_Common!_

_And I wanna take you down, _

_but your soul cannot be found_

_It doesn't matter what you say, _

'_cause your disease is killing me_

_And you know it's only right, _

'_cause it feels like paradise_

_And nothing is for free, _

'_cause your disease is killing me….."_

XXXX

My father wasn't going to take this lightly. He knew full well that Bella was a married woman, and there was no possible way he would let me slip out of there without an interrogation, followed then by a lecture on the moral high ground.

I sighed to myself. I couldn't handle that tonight..._not tonight_. I had to do everything I could to force Carlisle to save the harangue for another fucking day. Although I knew he would be discreet, Bella would notice and I refused to put her through anything more than she'd already endured.

_Jesus_, I knew the looks I was going to get from Carlisle and I knew I'd never hear the end of it, but at this point, I simply didn't care_. _

Thank God I wasn't in the same department as he was in the hospital. About a year ago, I'd been offered the position of Head of Internal Medicine, but I turned it down. I'd been practicing as an Obstetrician/Gynecologist for about four years, and couldn't imagine doing anything but delivering babies.

Contrary to popular belief, I wasn't a total fucking prick. I did actually have a heart...just not a _whole_ heart.

There was something about seeing a newborn baby take its first breath that had a way of putting my bullshit problems into perspective.

Of course, Rose had a little bit of a problem with my decision to pass up on that offer. I could see her pupils take the shape of dollar signs when I told her about it.

_Hell hath no fury like a gold-digger scorned_.

This was who I'd considered spending the rest of my life with.

_Considered -past tense- being the operative word there_.

My parents despised her fake, manicured ass. The only reason they condescended to speak to her was so that they could have access to our child.

Our child..._Kellan_.

He was the only human on this planet that could come close to filling the void in my heart, after I singlehandedly destroyed my one chance at love.

The bitch manipulated me, using him as if he was some sort of pawn in her womb.

After she fucking boned an acquaintance of mine -who just happened to be in the process of a divorce with Bella's best friend- and then shamelessly_ lied_ to me about it, I told her it was over.

I was ready to move on, ready to rid myself of all women...completely...and die a lonely old man if I couldn't have Bella. That was my choice. That or become a _home-wrecker_ myself by trying to get Bella back.

Huh, she probably would've slammed the door in my face anyway. Really, who the _fuck_ did I think I was? She was a year into her marital bliss with Jake, after all_. _

Rose came to me a few weeks later and told me she was pregnant. _"Guess what?"_ Were her exact words. _"Seems you knocked me up, Edward Cullen; you're going to be a daddy." _

I remember her smirking like the manipulative tart she was as she told me these words...although I could only focus on one.

_Pregnant._

_My God._

I remember how I felt my legs giving out, my head colliding with my heart once again. I didn't know what the fuck to do. She swore it was mine when I questioned her and tore into her about fucking some other guy. She swore, and begged me to stay with her_. _I had my doubts, of course. After all, he would have been conceived suspiciously close to the time she decided to turn the back seat of her car into a hotel room with Tyler.

_Goddamn it._

I struggled with myself. My head and my heart were battling it out once again. I knew in my head it was the right thing to do, to stay with her, but my heart knew the truth. My head won the battle. I stayed, much to my mental detriment.

She was an evil bitch. Throwing Tyler in my face one minute, saying maybe she wasn't that sure it was mine and sending me into a fucking rage. I broke at least ten cell phones, thanks to the _succubus_, because she always pulled that shit on the phone with me. She was too afraid to spew that sort of acid to my face. Of course, when she'd see me again, she'd be apologetic and contrite...begging me to forgive her.

Of course, I would forgive her every time, because I was a masochistic motherfuckerand I felt- no, _knew_- I deserved it. After what I'd done to Bella, I would've invited the devil himself to come and torture me. Hindsight being twenty-twenty and shit, I think maybe that very scenario had, in fact, taken place.

_I've heard that the Dark Prince disguises himself well. Perhaps he disguises himself in the form of a blonde bombshell, able to manipulate emotions with a blink of her deep, topaz eyes_.

I was reminded of this when I would threaten to throw her out, and she'd respond with her own taunting threat that she would _own_ my place; after she drained my bank account from the child support I would have to pay based on my physician's salary, all the while batting her ample eyelashes at me.

_Sadistic bitch._

_God_, I missed Bella even more during that time in my life. I missed her beautiful smile, her huge blue oceanic eyes, full of nothing but love for me. Before I ruined everything, she had always looked at me with a combination of adoration and need.

_Jesus, that look always got to me. I was putty in her hands with that look._

The want, the love, _her_...just all of it.

She had a way of looking at me that nearly made me explode, literally, and fall to my knees. A look like that would make me want to lose control and slam her up against the wall, which I couldn't necessarily say didn't happen on more than several occasions.

I missed her supple, ivory skin. I missed her fucking beautiful chestnut waves of hair with subtle hints of red highlights that I just couldn't get enough of...always fisting in my hands with my nose buried in it.

Even the way she said my name was enough for me. All she had to do was just _say_ it in casual conversation, and it always sent an electric shiver up and down my entire body. Not to mention the way she'd moan and call out my name in the throes of passion. As beautiful and delicate as she was, this girl could be an all out maniac in bed. She was unpredictable in the sheets and I got off on it. I never knew whether she was going to let me take her, or if she was going to dominate me; though I usually preferred the latter.

_Jesus fuck!_

I shook my head to erase those memories, to calm myself and my dick. It was, of course, reacting to that particular train of thought and I tried to focus my attention back to my son.

Kellan. When he finally came into this world, mine was changed forever.

It was obvious, based on Tyler's appearance in contrast with mine, that this child was definitely not his_._ This child was mine...at least I prayed he was mine because he was just the most beautiful little wrinkled screaming thing I'd ever seen and I knew the minute I saw him, that my life would never _ever_ be the same again.

I was overwhelmed with emotion. I was a fucking _doting motherfucker_ and I wasn't too proud to make it obvious in an absolutely unequivocal way.

This little man would have everything, and I mean everything he needed, wanted...you name it. Unhealthy? I was certain, but I didn't care in the slightest_._

Unfortunately, his arrival didn't make me love his mother any more than I had, which was not at all. I respected her for what she went through, but again, we were talking about the manipulative _Succubus_. The one who thought that because she had given birth to my son, I would in turn reward her lavishly with everything her heart desired.

She was sorely mistaken.

Although, the self-proclaimed princess -_princess succubus_- didn't go without what most people would consider ridiculous and frivolous wants and desires. _Workout to stay in shape? Oh no. Why do that when you can get a simple suck and tuck_. This was the fucking shit I dealt with for the past, well, almost ten years now. I'd had just about enough of her bullshit and most of the time, just wished that she would disappear completely.

_Manipulative, superficial, lying, cheating, fucking thorn in my side..._

So I made another decision.

Bring on the fucking child support because I was unquestionably done with her. Try as she might to win me over, I could always see through her cunning and crafty charade. I was, of course, concerned about losing my son in the debacle that would come from what I'd decided to do. However, after thinking about it at length as well as talking it over with my parents, who were unconditionally supportive of my decision, I realized there was no other conclusion that would make as much sense as the one I was resolved to make. There was no way she could keep my son from me. Paternity had been confirmed, Carlisle and Esme had seen to that, and she had no job. She needed to cooperate with me. She needed to let go and she would be made to know this, or unfortunately for her, she would've had a very rude awakening.

I wasn't a monster. I would take care of her as much as I could from a distance. She was, after all, the mother of my beautiful son; if there was nothing else good to come out of our correlation, I could at least say that we created an amazing little person. Nothing else mattered to me at the time. If it would help her take care of him when he wasn't with me, I would help take care of her.

So I grew a brand new set of steel balls, stood my ground and two months ago, I told the bitch I wanted her to move out. Not Kellan, just _her_.

I knew it would be an epic battle in the beginning. She turned into what I had expected she would reveal eventually, once I told her it was over. She snarled and spat; she called me every name in the book. She dug deep and hit below the belt, telling me what a loser I was. She tried to pull the paternity card, saying he really wasn't mine, and then shut the fuck up when I pulled out the results of the paternity test. She even used Bella against me; threw her name in my face, and told me how I could never keep a woman that loved me. _That_ hurt like a motherfucker. I almost lost my cool and broke the cardinal rule of manhood by hitting a fucking female in that instant, however, I held myself together.

The fact was I knew Rosalie didn't really love me. Deep down, I knew all along what kind of person she was, and what she was after. This was all brought to the forefront when she sang a completely different tune after I bought her a fucking beautiful brownstone close to the city, as well as paid off her sexy red _fuck-Tyler-in-the-backseat-_mobile. Yes, her complaining completely stopped after that, and she was as happy as a fucking clam.

Imagine that...all this time of pain and suffering, only to realize that all I had to do was throw a wad of cash in her direction. I should've known.

We now shared equal custody of Kellan, but I still paid her child support. It was about _him_ not _her. _I looked at it like this: I paid my son child support. I did not pay his gold-digging mother a penny. I was not her _sugar daddy_ any longer. I would never be again and she fully understood that. For the most part, she didn't have much to worry about. Oh, but she was _forced_ to get a job, as she so dramatically put it. Ironically, the job she got was at _BCBG_, her favorite clothing store. I was always amazed when she actually had a positive amount on her paycheck considering what she normally owed the store for her shopping sprees. I wasn't accusing her of not purchasing needed items for our son, but the majority of his clothing, shoes, etc. were purchased by me.

At least, I was intelligent enough to talk her into putting three-fourths of the child support in a trust fund for Kellan, which couldn't be touched without consent from _both _of us.

She was a manipulative girl, yes, but also easily beguiled.

After that, I'd never been happier. I had all the time in the world to spend with my boy. He was with me most the time, and when he wasn't, it killed me to have him at his mother's. Rosalie and I got along easily enough, but for Kellan's sake and Kellan's sake _only_. Otherwise, I didn't want to see her. I didn't want to talk to her, unless of course it involved our son, and I certainly didn't want to fuck her, like she tried to get me to do each time she called in the middle of the night.

Needless to say, I did not answer those calls. They went straight to _motherfucking_ voicemail. The voicemails were subsequently deleted because I literally could no longer stomach the thought of it.

Rosalie was almost inhumanly gorgeous. However, having said that, the looks did not make up for the years of her torment, ignorance, and simply put the downright _poison_ I had endured from her. Regardless of what she wanted or begged for from me, Rosalie Hale and I would never..._ever_ be connected in that way again.

On the flip side, I was in pure bliss with Kellan. I'd never had a younger sibling; never gotten to watch anyone just _grow_ before my eyes.

Of course, until recently, I had to watch him grow alongside Rose, but I tuned her out most of the time. I would be playing with him along with whatever toy was his obsession at the time, and would suddenly hear Rose yelling at me from a few feet away.

_"Do you _ever_ listen to me?"_ She would ask with a pout on her face. I honestly tried not to be a colossal asshole, so when she realized that a guilt-trip worked; she used it to her advantage. She would describe to me what material thing I could get her to make it up to her. I did it, to try to make her happy...for a while. However, I liked to think that I was a fairly bright individual, which was why I caught on to her performance rather quickly, and that bullshit stopped immediately.

I remember a conversation we had in the distant past one evening when the baby was asleep. It was about her _need_ for a tummy tuck, about a year after Kellan was born. I vehemently told her not to do it. She didn't need it, first of all, and secondly, I was just barely starting to practice medicine as an M.D. So it wasn't like we were rolling in mounds of cash. She basically handled it in the manner of a two-year-old who had gotten their candy taken away, and she threw a tantrum.

_"I don't need your goddamned permission, Edward. I'm a grown up! If I want to get a tummy-tuck..." _I'd been sitting on the couch, listening to her torrent, as she pointed her finger at me, then placed it on my forehead and shoved my head backward at that moment. _"I'll fucking _do_ it!"_ It pissed me off, yes, but I kept my cool...until she grabbed me by the jaw and twisted my head in the direction of Kellan's room, pointing with her other hand. _"Remember that _kid_ in there? You'll do whatever the_ fuck_ I want, or else I'll drain you. You'll be paying so much child support, you won't even be able to fucking _eat_!"_

I snapped in that instant and lunged off the sofa at her, my hand in a tight fist and my arm cocked back. She gasped and stumbled backward, falling over the coffee table as I growled and hissed, slamming my fist into the table multiple times. My chest was heaving as I regained control of myself, and the succubus returned. I could scare the bitch, but only for seconds at a time._ "Jesus, Edward." _She rolled her eyes._ "Get a grip, huh? I'd hate to have to_ have _you arrested for domestic abuse tonight."_

As she walked off laughing, I remember screaming at her as I rubbed my throbbing hand._ "Hey, can you get a new personality along with your tummy tuck? You FUCKING EVIL BITCH!"_

I swear if I had a dollar for every time I called Rosalie an evil bitch, I would _own_ the city of Chicago.

However, things were different now without her constantly around. These last two months had been paradise. I actually felt happy. Although, I'd been feeling something strange inside me, as if I knew deep in my soul that I was missing something, I had been nothing but focused on Kellan and work.

_Happiness. _

That was such an interesting word to me, _happiness_. Was it a state of mind? Was it a feeling...and who knew if they were ever _really _happy? Maybe when you had found something or someone you couldn't fathom being away from for more than a couple seconds...someone who's very existence determined whether you lived life to the fullest or whether you existed in a lifeless shell.

This was the way I felt about my son, but I knew that I'd felt this way one other time in my life.

A long time ago.

A lifetime ago, it seemed.

I threw Bella a sidelong glance briefly, and then returned my eyes to the road ahead. If I was going to get through this night I had to focus. Focus on the life I had now. And if I truly thought about it, I suppose I could've said with confidence that since I told the succubus to leave, in my present life, I _really_ _had never been happier._

XXXX

Chapter End Notes:

**_A/N: Ok, people…get your 'review' on! _**

**_Once again, Rosalie always the peach. I can't wait for you guys to actually meet Kellan for real…that will be later on! Okay, up next one more Epov chapter for a bit, and some fun banter between the guys. *sigh* I love writing Emmett. Lots of language, I must warn you. _**

**_Ok, go review! _**

**_Reviewers get to punch Rosalie in the face, then tongue-kiss Docward in front of her. You guys think I'm kidding about that. I'm not. XD Oh, and I wanna see her face when you do it. _**


	11. Chapter 9 Headstrong

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past **

**Chapter 9, "Headstrong" ~ Trapt**

Edwards POV, continued…..

_****A/N: I just gotta say, I'm currently in love with my betas! You ladies know who you are….mwah a thousand times! Some fun playful banter between Edward and Emmett. *eye roll* They're such "guys"! I love writing Emmett, though. He makes me laugh in my head (and out loud sometimes) like a mental patient! THANK YOU to all my loyal reviewers…sloppy kisses out to you. Check out my profile for some fun links. **_

**Song Link, Headstrong: .com/watch?v=LBeg7CZqSx0**

_**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement is intended. All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and its characters…I do not. Oh how I wish I did, because I'd be RICH! Lol!**_ _**This story, however, is mine…so hands off people! *snickers***_ ©2009/2010 WickedCurveBall74/RobsMyEdibleArt, All rights reserved worldwide.

XXXX

"_Circling your head…contemplating everything you ever said_

_Now I see the truth I gotta doubt_

_A different motive in your eyes and now I'm out_

_See you later_

_I see your fantasy_

_You want to make it a reality paved in gold_

_See inside, inside of our heads (Yeah)_

_Well, now that's over_

_I see your motives inside, _

_And your decisions to hide_

_Back off, we'll take you on_

_Headstrong to take on anyone_

_I know that you're wrong_

_Headstrong, we're headstrong_

_Back off, we'll take you on_

_Headstrong to take on anyone_

_I know that you are wrong and this is not where you belong_

_I can't give everything away_

_I won't give everything away_

_Conclusions manifest…your first impressions got to be your very best_

_I see you're full of shit and that's alright_

_That's how you play, I guess you'll get through every night_

_Well, now that's over_

_I see your fantasy_

_You want to make it a reality paved in gold_

_See inside, inside of our heads (yeah)_

_Well, now that's over_

_I see your motives inside,_

_And your decisions to hide_

_Back off, we'll take you on_

_Headstrong to take on anyone_

_I know that you are wrong_

_Headstrong, we're headstrong_

_Back off, we'll take you on_

_Headstrong to take on anyone_

_I know that you are wrong and this is not where you belong!"_

XXXX

I walked into _Moonstruck_ that night and went straight to the nearest bar to get a beer. I was ready to have a little fun. Ready to have some _guy_ time that I hadn't had a chance for in quite some time. Jasper, who was of course licking his gaping wounds courtesy of Ashley, downed his drink in a matter of seconds. Then he turned toward the bar again, mumbling something about needing a "mother-fucking Jack Daniels" in his southern drawl. "Hey! Get me another Heineken!" I hollered after him and he threw his hand up in acknowledgment as he walked with determination to confront the bartender.

"Hell yeah!" I heard Emmett's bellowing roar. "Doctor's in the house!" He came bounding over and attacked me with his signature bear hug. I, of course, shoved him off me laughing. "Lookin' good tonight, Doctor _Love_! Did you iron your jeans, too?" He scoffed with a smirk. I ignored his last question. Instead, I retorted with sarcasm, attacking his manliness in jest.

"Dude, could you fucking chill on the PDA. I fucking already told you, I don't want to be your boyfriend." I rolled my eyes playfully. "So stop trying to get in my pants, man. It's not cool."

"Oh fuck you, man!" he said, flipping me off with a grin. Suddenly, he reached up and snatched my beanie off my head.

"Motherfucker!" I yelled and snatched it back from him. I shoved it back onto my unruly hair and glared at him. He covered his mouth in mock horror as he pointed at the muddled mess on my head, of course now hidden, and then doubled over holding his stomach snorting, like a _douche bag_. I rolled my eyes again, this time annoyed.

Still laughing, he motioned to someone behind me.

"Hey Jake! Sam! Get your asses over here!" I turned as the two of them sauntered up to us. Jake's face looked tense and Sam all but ignored me per usual, nodding once in acknowledgment of me. He and I weren't the best of friends as he and Jake were, but still we were friendly with one another. I didn't necessarily desire to get on Detective Uley's _shit list_.

"What's up, Doc?" Jacob asked, and nodded with a smile. "How's the _baby business_?" Before I could answer him he nudged Sam and muttered, "Lucky bastard gets to see pussy all day long."

He and Sam erupted in echoing laughter and I just shook my head. I grinned tightly as I responded, "Oh yeah, Jake, that's what it's all about you know."

Emmett, always the life of the party, butted in. "What the fuck ever, Jake. Dude, he looks at stretched out pregnant pussy all day." He shook his head and cringed. "NOT appealing."

_I love Emmett, seriously as a brother, but I swear to God, when he starts in with his juvenile bullshit about my job, I would love to strangle the motherfucker._

I just looked at him and shook my head. "Fucking moron," I said as I tipped my beer up and gulped. I'll be damned if the fucker didn't grab my beanie off my head again and point at my hair.

"Look at that shit!" He nudged Jake. "I bet he's fucking all those hot nurses he works with, all the time. He probably had to leave one in his bed to come hang out...look at that _sex_ hair." He burst into another fit of convulsive laughter, and Jake followed suit.

_How did I become friends with such tools_, I complained to myself.

"Motherfucker, I will kick your _ass_. Now, give me my goddamned hat!" I spat. He held it up and danced around with it like a ten-year-old on the school playground, playing _keep-away_. I glared. "That's _your_ fantasy, Emmett, not mine. Now _give_ me my fucking hat before I shove my size tens up your ass."

As we continued to argue, Jasper walked up to join us. Emmett continued his schoolyard shenanigans. "How would Rose feel about your nurse-orgies, huh?" He raised his eyebrows and stuck his tongue out. That fucking pissed me off.

"Emmett. I fucking TOLD you I didn't want to talk about her tonight." I snatched my beanie from him for the second time and ran my hand through my messy hair. I smashed it back onto my head and shoved Em on the shoulder. "Touch the beanie again, and I break a finger." He retorted with a fresh wave of laughter and then wrapped his arm around my neck. "Whatever you say, Bro. You know I'm just playin' with you. I'm serious about the nurses, though. Anytime you need some help with your orgies, you know who to call." He winked. _Classic Neanderthal Emmett_.

I rolled my eyes again. "What the fuck, Emmett? If you must know, I'm not fucking _anyone _right now, but hey, thanks for bringing it up, _Bro_."

Jasper just looked at us and shook his head. Then Emmett turned his taunting to Jazz. "What are you shaking _your_ head at, Whitlock? You definitely need one of Edward's orgy-mates." He burst into yet another fit of laughter. I shot him a warning glare and glanced at Jasper, who was either too drunk to comprehend Emmett's mockery or was flat out ignoring him. He tipped his glass of Jack and gulped until it was gone. "Whew!" he yelled. "JD's my best fucking friend tonight! I'm getting another..._and_ a round of Jaeger shots. Y'all game?" We all answered with a collective "_hell yes_," and he was again on his way to the bar.

I was certain he would wear a path in the carpet from here to there before the night was over and I sighed, shaking my head. I was looking to seriously cut loose tonight. Unfortunately, Jazz unknowingly changed my plans for me when I picked him up and he was a melancholy, sorry excuse for a man ready to party. He was already half lit on top of that. All this because his _airhead _girlfriend of a couple months decided she was done playing with him. I would have to stop after a handful of beers at most. I didn't make a big ordeal of it, of course; I was out with the boys and I was happy about that.

So I was forced to be a little more responsible than I wanted to be..._so what_. I went with it, switching roles for once with Jazz, who always seemed to be the one babysitting the rest of the drunks in the group. I supposed he was allowed this fall-from-grace every now and then, and I was determined to take care of him this evening. I couldn't count the times he'd done that for me, and I owed him. We all did.

Nonetheless, I _was_ ready to celebrate. It was really the first time I'd gotten to, since reclaiming my life from the petulant succubus. There was nothing to stop me from having the time of my life tonight. Maybe I _would_ find some smokin' hot girl to take home.

_Fuck._

I highly doubted that. Contrary to what Emmett said, I was far from the orgy-having man-whore he seemed to like to conjure up.

At that moment, I noticed swift movement out of the corner of my eye and turned my head in the same direction of it. I was met with a pair of blue eyes I hadn't seen in a _very_ long time and I froze.

Just like that, I was punched in the stomach with an onslaught of memories, emotion and regrets that I'd hidden from myself for years. Those particular regrets were in the forefront of my mind as I watched her round the corner with determination in her step and fire in her eyes.

I was awestruck. I felt like a deer that was caught in the headlights of the object that would surely cause its death. However, I swallowed it. I was determined to keep my sanity tonight.

Her chestnut waves fluttered in the wake of her furious walk and she locked eyes with me. I think I actually saw her head involuntarily do a double take, and I had to clench the muscles in my legs to keep them from buckling.

Jake hadn't mentioned she was here in the minutes we had stopped to talk, so this was a sighting I was _completely_ unprepared for. It seemed like a lifetime since I'd seen her last. Although it had only been around a year or so, since the last time we were this close, we didn't even speak, pretended we didn't see each other, and my head was a mess for weeks afterward.

I always fell to pieces inside when I saw her. She did something to me that no other woman could ever replicate. She still held in her possession a piece of my heart and soul that I would never get back. Who was I kidding? She still held _pieces_ of my heart and soul, and lots of them. I wasn't whole without her, and I wouldn't be again. It was as simple as that.

I knew I needed to get a hold on myself before I said or did something that would make me look like a blubbering idiot, so I willed myself to _man-up_. I could admit that I wanted to get the better of her. I wanted to mess with her and toy with her, like she used to do to me...the kind of playful banter we used to have together. Of course, I wasn't thinking about how much I _liked_ it when she retaliated with her sarcasm. I didn't think about that at all. I just wanted to protect myself from the angst and hurt; I wanted to have _fun_ with her for a change, but I didn't know why.

Something took over me...the cocky motherfucker, _thank God_, and I chose to use that shit to my advantage.

I noticed her breath hitch when I winked at her, and I _knew_ I had a nibble on my hook.

I also knew that nothing was going to come of it, so why not have a little fun. I'd probably pay for it later when I was drowning again in the pit of my black hole. The black hole that would no doubt be ripped open again, after the sight of her. But I didn't care.

Therefore, I allowed myself to be assaulted by her presence, her scent...

_Fucking Japanese Cherry Blossom_.

_Fuck me, very much._

I allowed myself to assault her beautiful round ass with my beer bottle, as well. I, of course, then had to subtly adjust myself so as not to reveal what was happening to me physically at my thoughts of her. As I watched the emotions play across her beautiful features, I was overwhelmed and _could not_ stop the eye-fucking that ensued. There was the sarcastic spitfire in her that turned me on so much, but then there were also my own emotions that I had not counted on feeling upon my quackery with her.

_Fuck though_, she was so full of enchantment and fondness that I immediately longed to have her back in my life.

My mother and father always really liked her. In fact, they still attempted to kill me by asking if I'd seen her or talked to her, and how she was. They were just so used to my ex before her- Tanya- that they never could fully bond with Bella. Of course, they never got to because I annihilated their chances of ever being able to when I...did what I did.

The same way this girl could annihilate me with one look from her liquid sapphire eyes.

I couldn't get enough of her. Her animated expressions, always so hard to read; they drove me over the edge.

So I kept her there, talking to her as long as possible. Something kept me trying to keep her near me, if for nothing else but to feel her familiar aura, her warmth. I needed to get just a piece of what we had...to cling to it. Not to mention, I was _totally _forgetting that there was one person there that could fuck it up completely for me.

_Jake_.

I'd mistakenly mentioned her cousin, my now ex-live-in, and saw the fire explode in Bella's eyes. Her cousin, Rosalie, the succubus who'd called me and manipulated me, was definitely the spark to Bella's fuse that set her off like a firecracker. Rose took advantage of my frail fucking mental state after Jake and Bella were married.

_Christ, I really am a fucking idiot sometimes._

She surprised me though, by changing the subject to something that she knewwould make me smile. We talked about our kids and I felt a stabbing pain in my heart, a sickness in my stomach because I was fucking jealous. I was jealous of the fact that _he_ had gotten to have children with her. Knowing what she and Jacob had done to conceive the twins was like a twisted knife in my belly. There weren't words to describe how much I wished it had been me, cultivating her and watching her amazing body grow and nurture those beautiful children. Of course, I felt like a fucking hypocrite at the same time.

Somewhere inside of me, I wondered if she ever felt the same way I did. Did she ever wonder what our children would have looked like? I couldn't answer that, nor would I ever know, because I would never in a million years have had the gall to ask her.

My fantasy took an abrupt turn for the worse when Jacob showed up breathing fire and claiming his wife like a fucking caveman_. _I was surprised he didn't grab her by her hair and drag her off.

I'd tried to hide it, but I was instantly pissed and there was just no other way to put it.

Over the years, I'd silently watched him _claim_ her. He had started treating her like she was lucky to have him, when the bastard should have been thinking just the opposite.

He talked down to her; he seemed to try and break her beautiful spirit. Whether he did this voluntarily or involuntarily, I had no idea.

What I did know nonetheless, was that it was un-_fucking_-acceptable.

Unfortunately, I could do nothing about it. I was the king of the douche bagsin both of their eyes when it came to Bella; I was positive of that. I mean, what would it have sounded like coming out of my mouth? To criticize the way he treated her would sound like nothing but pure hypocrisy coming from me.

God, I couldn't fucking stand it though, because he just didn't have a clue about what he had. He didn't see her for whom or what she was. She was an amazing person, beautiful, witty, intelligent...but most of all amiable and faithful, passionate. This idiot was demented if he thought that talking to her and treating her the way he did was going to keep her around. I had always admired Bella for standing up for herself. It pained me to see her slipping into this...this despondent, afflicted shell of who she used to be because of his tyrannous behavior.

I wished that I could just tell her how I felt about Jake and the way he treated her. I had no idea what the hell had happened to him and why he'd become such a prick to her over the last few years, other than the fact that he was just out of his mind with insecurity. There was a time when I could tell he was completely smitten with her. I fucking _hated_ that too.

Nonetheless, there was nothing I could do about it, and it made me crazy.

I _was_ getting close to a confrontation with him about it because his insecurity was just blatantly boiling over and getting out of control. I could feel it. In order to refrain from this, I had distanced myself.

After he T-boned that poor bastard, I knew the night was unraveling and would only get worse. To anyone with _normal _vision,as opposed to_ jealous motherfucker _vision, the dude was obviously was her friend Jessica's boyfriend.

When someone was hurt, I was not capable of just standing there. _I'm a doctor. I have to act._ Therefore, rather than confront the jealous idiot I called a friend, I went to the dude that he knocked senseless, and started checking him out.

Bella actually surprised me by slapping the living shit out of Jake in front of everyone, and the moment I heard the sound of her hand crack against his cheek bone -_it was fucking loud_- I knew. I knew it was broken, and I was seething on the inside. I wasn't angry with her, of course. I was angry with Jacob. He was undeniably the cause of her violent outburst. His jealousy had finally sent her over the edge and wasn't it just painfully customary, that Bella would get hurt because of his revolting conduct.

And then...

_Fuck..._

I heard her scream. It was a scream of agonizing pain that shook me from head to toe. For a moment, I was paralyzed. Thank the _ever-loving Lord_ that Emmett and Jazz were right there to separate him from Bella or else I might have lost complete control. I couldn't afford to lose control and neither could Jacob. I couldn't, because if I did, there were usually dire consequences. He knew me well enough to understand this.

It was one of the most difficult things I'd had to do...to keep my cool...but remarkably I surprised myself by doing just that.

Instead, I focused on bringing out the doctor in me and I went to her.

I _had_ to.

I was propelled by a force that had more power than I did. I didn't know how, but I would _make_ this beautiful, stubborn girl let me help her.

I couldn't look at Jake while I tended to Bella, because if I did...

I would have _killed_ him.

I convinced her finally to let me take her to Carlisle after she fucking_ apologized _to the guy -who had nearly been knocked out, and I was shocked that he was still coherent- for her stupid, _motherfuck_ of a husband. I immediately felt a rush of relief because this girl was one of, if not _the _most stubborn person on the planet.

How she had let Jake break her down through all these years was completely beyond me.

Controlling myself as much as possible by pushing the rage as far down into my stomach as I could, I walked up to him and told him I'd be taking his wife to the hospital. I suppose he reacted as any overbearing, insecure assholewould to his girl's ex butting in and trying to swoop in to help her after he'd fucked her up. Funny thing was, I certainly didn't give one little shit how he felt, and his feelings certainly weren't about to change my mind.

I had to admit though, when he charged me, it took me a bit by surprise.

Once again, thank God for Em, Jazz and this time, Sam. Again, Sam wasn't necessarily my biggest fan, but was as cordial as he could be to me. It was a good thing they were there, keeping him at bay and talking some sense into his big, clouded, fucked-up head. At that point, however, I was ready and willing to do some damage. I wasn't even thinking about our friendship; not any longer. This was about her, what he'd done to her tonight, how he'd treated her through the last few years. It was about the way he talked _to_ her and _about_ her...all of it. It was all coming to a head, right at that moment, and I wanted to mangle him.

I would've hurt him.

_Bad._

I wouldn't have held back because it was Bella. He'd hurt her whether he meant to or not.

_He had injured _HER_._

Jazz knew it. He could see it in my eyes, and I in turn, could see the terror in his. The terror that quickly shifted to calming concern and I let it wash over me.

He was good at that shit. Sometimes I wondered if he had some sort of extrasensory power. The shit was weird, I had to admit.

When Jake was calm enough, I loosened my tense, coiled muscles and turned. My focus was then on Bella and no one else. I didn't have enough sense about me as I was spitting and hissing at Jake like a fucking rattlesnake, to be embarrassed about all I'd said to him in clear ear-shot of Bella. At the time, all I could think about was her, and how much I wanted to take care of her.

_No one else existed but her._

I tried to control the emotion welling up inside me as I brushed her arm lightly and willed her to just go...just go with me. I clenched my jaw, struggling with my yielding restraint.

She did.

She walked with me and didn't look back. I was amazed...elated even.

Through the doors we went into the crisp night and straight to my car. As I opened the door to my black Volvo and attempted to help her get in, she turned to me. She grabbed my shoulders and pressed her body against mine like a scared child.

_She shuddered and I gasped._

"God, Edward...I'm so sorry. Thank you, so mu-"

I pulled her away from my body, which was now _steaming _in the cold night, and looked into her eyes. I got as close to her face as I could stand without crushing her lips to mine, our foreheads almost touching.

"Don't," I whispered barely audible, because my heart was in my throat, choking me.

She nodded a couple times and forced a smile before turning and collapsing onto the leather seat of my car. We sat there in my car in virtual silence for a couple minutes, before I finally pulled out of the parking lot and away from this place that I probably should have never shown up to tonight.

As we headed toward the hospital, the silence was deafening. I stole a glance at her from the corner of my eyes a couple of times, only to catch her doing the same thing. Conflicted, I turned back to face the road, like the fucking _pansy_ that I was.

I tried to initiate light conversation a couple times, even trying to imitate the poor dork's sad impression of Italian accent. I really did feel sorry for the guy that Jake fucking freight-trained, because he didn't even have a chance to defend himself. The poor bastard didn't even see it coming. I could tell Bella was initially annoyed by the guy, and I thought that making light of his featherbrained attempt at being suave would make her laugh, even if just weakly.

_Bad move_.

She just held her hand up each time and shook her head as she closed her eyes and said, "Edward."

So I shut the fuck up and let her rest. She'd been through enough tonight without my idiot ass making it worse.

_Jesus_, how I wished that there was something I could've done to make her feel better. There had to be something non-medical; something I could say, like I used to be able to do when we were...together. Sadly, I could think of nothing. I was too concerned about her hand and her well-being to be able to think of anything witty, and it ate away at me.

I recalled the last thing I'd seen as we were walking out, glancing back quickly toward our group. The guys had gotten Jacob to sit in a chair at one of the bar tables. They were hovering around him as if he was some dangerous animal, likely to pounce on anything or anyone that set him off.

They were probably right.

I could see his profile as they hovered, and noted his defeated frame. He had his elbows resting on the table and his head resting in his palms. Emmett caught my eye as I was turning and his expression was one of approval. He nodded once at me and I did the same. I saw that he returned his attention to Jake and the expression on his face changed instantly to uncertainty and trepidation.

As I remembered this exchange between Emmett and myself, a feeling of absolution came over me and I realized that there was only one thing I needed to worry about.

That one thing was to make sure that Bella was ok, and to get her the _hell_ away from this place as quickly as possible.

XXXX

_**Chapter End Notes, *A/N: Okay, let's all say it collectively….awwwwww! Edward Cullen can be my protector any day of the week and twice on Sunday! (that last part, courtesy of my Grandma.) Ok, so I can't wait to find out what you all think of the banter between the guys…like I said, I had the most fun writing Emmett. He's a tool, but he's really sweet deep down. You think Edward would've beat Jake's ass? Time to get reviewing. See ya next chapter. Bella pov is back.**_


	12. Chapter 10 Breathe Me

**FORSAKEN IN MY MIND'S PAST **

**Chapter 10, "Breathe Me" ~ Sia**

Bella's POV

_**A/N: Alright, my dearies! Bella's pov on leaving with Edward, right now. Sadly, one of my betas had to quit for RL reasons, so I send her off with big hugs and smooches! You rocked, ChristineC23! Huge shout-out to my 2 sexy beta's, THEsnapcrakklepop, and Love Of Escapism…you girls rock my world! Oh, one more thing on this one. I FUCKING LOVE THIS SONG SO MUCH. I JUST HAD TO SAY IT. Please proceed… (and check out my profile for links.)**_

**Song Link, Breathe Me: www . youtube . com /watch?v=ghPcYqn0p4Y&ob=av2e**

_**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement is intended. Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight, the characters and well, pretty much ME too!**_ _**This story however, is all mine! **_©2009-2011 WickedCurveBall74/RobsMyEdibleArt, All rights reserved worldwide.

XXXX

"_Help, I have done it again_

_I have been here many times before_

_Hurt myself again today_

_And the worst part is_

_There's no one else to blame_

_Be My Friend_

_Hold me, wrap me up_

_Unfold me_

_I am small, I'm needy_

_Warm me up_

_And breathe me_

_Ouch, I have lost myself again_

_Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found_

_Yeah, I think that I might break_

_I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe_

_Be My Friend_

_Hold me, wrap me up_

_Unfold me_

_I am small, I'm needy_

_Warm me up_

_And Breathe Me."_

XXXX

I was so out of my mind by the time Edward and I reached his car, that I literally could not control myself any longer.

I turned and grabbed onto him.

J_ust fucking grabbed onto him, trembling like a scared little puppy._

_What the HELL is wrong with me?_

_Oh, I remember-the man I'm currently married to; that's what's wrong with me_.

He had utterly humiliated me and showed that he was an ass on more than one occasion in the past several hours.

I tried to apologize to Edward as I was grasping onto him like he was the proverbial cliff I was hanging off of, but of course, he would have none of it.

"Don't," was all he said to me, but his eyes…

_God, the emeralds that were surely put on this earth to torture and tease me._

They spoke volumes.

I could see waves of emotion splashing around in the bright green jewels that stared back at me, so I simply nodded and plastered a weak smile on my face. I had no more energy to argue. Feisty Bella had been replaced by exhausted, defeated Bella. I just needed sleep and as soon as I got my bullshit-hand taken care of, I would do just that.

I tried to clear my mind. I tried to clear it of all the things that had happened previously and especially where I was going right now. If I thought about it enough, I could probably have opened the door to the moving car and jump out. This was because I had to see Carlisle, the prodigal son's perfect father, who- I was sure- thought of me as a lesser person because I could never be his precious son's beloved Tanya.

I closed my eyes and tried to clear my head of Jacob, Mike, even Edward and what would come of all of this debauchery.

I couldn't deal with it anymore tonight. When I closed my eyes, I wanted blackness, nothingness, numbness. I wanted to crawl inside myself as a turtle did in its shell, and hide. I wanted nothing more than to crawl in a hole and never come out. Humiliation enveloped me. The blackness beseeched me and I wanted it.

_Oh if I ever wished I could meditate, it was right now. _

I made myself a mental note to learn that particular art A-S-A-P_._

I closed my eyes and start to feel like I was drifting, only to hear Edward's voice sing to me again…quietly…cautiously.

"Um, Bella? H—hey, what was with that _guy_, huh? Uh, Mike, right?" Then he chuckled.

"Oh, _Is-a-bel-la_." He was trying to imitate the awful accent Mike had created, which was so bad that really only Mike could do it, well, as _bad_as Mike did it. When Edward tried it, it was more like a lion, gently purring to the lamb that he wanted for his prey. Luring it in, mesmerizing it with his musical, sensual purr.

I laughed internally at the idiocy of Edward trying to be anything other than…perfect. I desperately wanted to laugh outwardly and revel in the moment that I had alone with him.

I was alone with him.

_Holy shit_.

Was this even _real_?

As much as I wanted to, I just didn't have the energy, and I couldn't force myself to make fun of Mike. All I could think of when he brought up Mike was seeing my husband run over him like a fucking bulldozer, and my head would begin to spin again.

So I just held my hand up to stop him and managed to whisper, "Edward, please," as I shook my head. I glanced over at him and noticed that his face was twisted into a mask of pain and…

Sadness?

What. The. Hell?

I just closed my eyes again and frantically searched for the blackness that I needed to make it through the night with my sanity.

I felt incredibly groggy as I blinked my eyes open then shut and watched the streetlights strobe past the car window. There was no surprise that my luck had not changed when I finally closed my eyes for some actual sleep, because lo and behold; we were already at the hospital. I couldn't believe we made it so fast. It seemed as though only seconds, maybe minutes had passed before we'd arrived. I made a note to myself to berate Edward later about his speeding- I was not about to be mangled in some massive car crash because _someone _thought he had to drive a hundred miles an hour.

Just then, Edward touched my left hand gently and I gasped.

"Are you ready?" he whispered, and I shook my head as if coming out of a trance. I let out a breath, stunned by the electricity in his touch, and looked over at him. He was staring at me and his eyes were alight, his irises green flames licking at his pupils. It took me a second before I could breathe out a quick, "yes."

He opened the door for me silently, still staring, as I stepped out of the car.

I tried not to touch him, I mean, _Christ, _I didn't know how much more of the electricity I could take tonight. My body was already on fire from all the ridiculous shenanigans of my fabulous fucking husband, as well as the fact that I generally would burst into flames every time I was simply in the same vicinity as Edward _fucking_ Cullen. Now, I had this little issue with a broken hand…which was just _perfect_- all by itself- since I couldn't do my job at all, if my hand was in fact broken. _Ugh! _I was so annoyed with the whole night so far, with one exception.

The air felt strange, the night hazy and the outside of the hospital was eerily quiet.

_Weird_, I thought to myself, especially for Chicago General, on a weekend night, no less. Then again, it _was_ the middle of the night. Maybe all the chaos had long past. I could only hope.

As I stepped out of Edward's car, I couldn't help but notice how I felt. I felt…good, amazing in fact. It was as though I'd slept for hours, and my hand, _wow, _my hand felt so much better. I looked down and it didn't look swollen anymore. I couldn't even see the bruising. I winced before I even tried it, but I went to wiggle my fingers and…

_What the hell?_

No pain.

At all.

_Typical_. I rolled my eyes internally. I arrive at the hospital because I _supposedly _have a broken hand, and its _fucking fine_.

_Nice, Dr. Edward, great diagnosis._

"Hmh,"I heard Edward chuckle under his breath and I looked up to meet a devious smirk spread across his lips.

"Well, we still need to check it," he cooed, as if he'd just read my mind. He was glancing from my eyes to my hand and back to my eyes. Then he winked at me, _again_. I was instantly putty in his amazing, long-fingered hands and he knew it.

I smirked back and turned to trudge ahead to the doors of the E.R. Edward placed his hand gently on the small of my back and my body tensed, feeling once again the electric energy that seemed to flow from his fingertips.

_Wait. The E.R?_

What the hell? One would've thought that Edward would've been able to just take me right to Carlisle and not have to go through all the bullshit red tape, but apparently not.

As we walked through the doors, we were met with…no was quiet and to be honest, fucking eerie. I didn't see doctors. I didn't see nurses. Hell, I didn't even see any patients.

Thank God the lights were on or else I would've thought I was in some nightmare, B-movie horror-flick and was about to be mauled by a bunch of apocalyptic zombies wanting to eat my flesh.

"Where is everyone—" I looked up again at Edward, to see yet another smirk and hear yet another chuckle.

_Again with the fucking chuckling_.

So, I just rolled my eyes and kept walking with him.

I didn't know quite what was going on with him, but if this was his idea of a funny joke, he had another thing coming.

_He would realize when I cursed him out for it, which was just on the verge of happening._

Things went from zero to _weird_ in about two seconds from when we walked through the doors of the hospital. We kept walking, past the emergency room, and turned into what appeared to be a side hallway to the back and left of it. Good. Maybe he was taking me directly to Carlisle like I'd hoped. Well, since it seemed that no human being was currently working in or being cared for in the emergency room, I guess that would make sense.

Then, I actually saw someone else.

_How 'bout that_. _Another living, breathing person in this place_, I thought_._

I couldn't see his face that clearly, but it looked a lot like Carlisle. He was walking with what appeared to be a nurse, only she was in this insanely short little nurse's dress and one of those fucked up nurse's hats that they used to wear back in the fifties.

What. The. Fuck?

She had striking, fiery red hair, which took my attention exactly where I didn't want it to go.

Vic-_whore_-ia. Ugh!

Dr. C- at least that's who I thought it was - was looking down at a chart while walking, and peered up at me. He grinned, and thenturned with the redheaded nurse, down another hall and past the ER.

Edward and I then made another turn ourselves. This time, he led me to the right, into another side and deserted hallway, which was _not_ the way that Dr. C and the redhead went.

I was starting to get antsy because this didn't fucking seem right at all, not for a hospital in a huge metropolis like Chicago, for shit sake.

Edward then abruptly stopped at an unmarked, closed door and I nearly ran right into him. He pulled out a key and slid it into the keyhole of the door.

I was certain that this particular unmarked room could be anyone's office and I had no idea what the hell he was up to, so I was getting a little bit irritated.

_Humph_, _perks of being a doctor…keys to offices that weren't even yours._

I was also in no mood for a guided tour of Chicago General Hospital, no mood at all.

Of course, he _was_ Carlisle's son after all, maybe this was Carlisle's office and he had to run and take care of a patient, so we were just going to sit tight and wait for him to return? I had no idea, but felt like I was trying to pick an explanation for the bizarre out of a hat or something.

_Wait, though,_ _there's no way that __this__ could be Carlisle's office_.

I saw nothing that even indicated we were in the orthopedic surgery department, nor did I see Carlisle's name on the door. I would've thought- but I could've been wrong, of course- that the head of orthopedic surgery at a major metro hospital would possibly, I don't know but possibly, have earned you a little name plate to put on the outside of your door.

"Edward, is this Car—" I started, as he pushed the door open, revealing the answer to my question.

It was, in fact, _not_ Carlisle's office, but what appeared to be a supply closet. Closet was really not the right word to use. Room is better, because it was a fairly good-sized room. There was a desk, nicely made but old-looking and definitely not like one that anyone of importance would be using. It had random items strewn about across it; there were sticky notes, a couple of pens and a stack of supply request forms along with a phone. There was no computer or anything.

Other than that, the room was packed full of supplies. I noted blankets and towels and sheets. I looked around further, seeing wraps, gauze, bottles of peroxide and alcohol swabs…basic first aid items, linens and toiletries for the restrooms, boxes of paper towels and toilet paper.

No, this was definitely not Carlisle's office.

I slid my hands onto my hips, including the one that was _supposed_ to be broken according to doctor _dip-shit _here, crooked an eyebrow at him and asked blatantly, "Edward, where are we? What are you…doing?"

He smirked again at me and matched my crooked eyebrow.

_Again with the damned smirking_.

"I need to get some things for Carlisle. He's…uh…" And he looked up, flashing his crooked smile at me. "Busy."

I was slightly surprised by the twinkle in his eye as he said this to me, and studied his face. He wasn't looking at me. Instead he was looking at some random medical items on a shelf, as if he was concentrating intently on what he needed to "get for Carlisle." I also noticed the slight upward curl at the corners of his mouth as well as the subtle wrinkling of his forehead.

He was fucking amused.

It took me a minute to realize just what he meant by saying Carlisle was 'busy,' and when I did, I was shocked. My mouth fell open, but I quickly snapped it shut. As far as I was aware, although I hadn't been around Edward's parents in quite some time, as far as I still knew, Carlisle and Esme were the quintessential lovers. They were head over heels, almost sickeningly smitten with one another - similar to how another person and had I acted so long ago - and I couldn't believe that anything could cause a rift in something that impeccably strong. I couldn't wrap my head around it at first, but then I realized something. There was in, fact, something that could cause…_did_ cause…a rift in a relationship supposedly that strong. As soon as I made myself think in that direction, I was angry.

"Oh, busy with the redheaded nurse in a tiny little dress? Nice, Edward." I sighed and threw my hands in the air. "What is it with the fucking redheads and the Cullen men, huh? I mean, how could he possibly do that to Esme…how could YOU let him to that to her, Edward? I am shocked and appalled that you could just stand by and…"

"Bella! Relax." He smiled coyly at me. "He's not doing anything like that. I was pulling your chain." He raised his eyebrows and chuckled. "You crack me up! You believe me so easily." I glared at him.

"Like I said…TOOL. That's what you are. Now, why the fuck are we in this godforsaken CLOSET instead of going to have my hand looked at right away, Dr. Cullen? Since you seem to think it's BROKEN and it doesn't even hurt anymore!" I huffed at him.

He just cocked his head to the side and grinned that crooked grin - the one he knew would win me over in no time.

"I told you, Miss Sassy-Pants, I have to get some shit for Carlisle. He needs supplies." He then broke out in a toothy, cheek-to-cheek grin.

_Ugh_, I just rolled my eyes at his obviously juvenile maturity level…_calling me_ _sassy-pants, what the fuck is that? _I narrowed my eyes and glared at him, wishing he would just be the caring, tormented, savior he was at the club. Now, he was acting like a twelve-year-old and I was getting over it,_ fast_.

Finally, I sighed and tried to bring the conversation back to the level of thirty-year olds, rather than that of elementary school children.

"Edward, Carlisle is the _head_ of the fucking orthopedic surgical department of this fucking hospital. I mean, don't you think his office…or whatever…is probably already stocked to the brim? Don't you think he probably already had a nurse or something stock up? I don't…call me crazy but…I don't understand why we have to stop here and get all this…stuff when I'm sure he's already…"

As I trailed off, I watched his face change from the mischievous expression of a little boy, to the beautiful man I saw at the club and his eyes caught fire suddenly. He was watching my lips move, then shifted his gaze to my eyes, which made me stop mid-sentence.

The expression on his face, although unreadable, was devastating in a way…conflicted. It was as if he needed to say something to me so badly but was terrified to say it. As I watched, the movement of the door caught my eye, and I followed it down to see him slyly reach behind with his foot and nudge it. I heard it click as it slid into place, closing us in the room.

I heard another click as I followed Edward's hand, which had darted quickly behind him. I realized, suddenly that the click I had heard was the button-lock on the door handle. I took in a quick breath as it dawned on me what was happening. He locked the door.

He locked the door.

_What. The. Fuck?_

_He just locked the fucking door!_

XXXX

_**Chapter End Notes, *A/N: I know, I know…you can smack me later. I like to make you beg for more. I'm evil like that. ;-P Gee, why do you think he locked the door? Any ideas? Reviews make me happy, and reviewers get to be locked in a supply closet with Docward. **_


	13. Chapter 11 Never Think

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past**

**Chapter 11, "Never Think" ~ Robert 'effing' Pattinson**

Bella's POV, continued…

_***A/N: Humongous kudos to my 2 ridiculously amazing betas- THEsnapcrakklepop, and Love Of Escapism. Much love, sisters, much love! While I normally post the lyrics to the songs at the beginning of the chapter, they are not included in the beginning here for a very specific reason, that you will understand after you start to read the chapter…so you better get to it, and read already! Buahaha! I hope you're checking out my profile for links. Virtual snugglies to my loyal readers and reviewers.**_

**Song Link, Never Think: www . youtube . com /watch?v=11u7O-hYMRg**

_**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended. Like I said before, Stephenie Meyer owns the twilight saga and the characters, and I'm all hers as well, if she wants me! LOL! Dude. Don't copy my story, ok? Peace.**_ ©2009-2011 WickedCurveBall74/RobsMyEdibleArt, All rights reserved worldwide.

XXXX

I crossed my arms over my chest and looked up at him through my lashes, scowling. I was trembling inside but I wasn't about to show him that I was freaking-_the fuck_-out.

_Why would he lock the door? What could he possibly be thinking? Was he even __thinking__ at all?_

I was confused and didn't know what to think about the crazy way he'd been acting since we arrived at the hospital…the almost _empty_ hospital. Nothing was making sense. He didn't need to get supplies for Carlisle. The more I thought about it, the more irate I became. He was _fucking_ with me. He was playing with my emotions, toying with me.

How could he be such a callous prick after what he had witnessed at the bar?

I didn't know what the hell sort of a game he had going on at the moment, but I had enough. He probably had some _bet_ with the guys to see how badly he could scare me tonight or something.

_Well __screw__ him! _

What did he think?Did he think that I had _stupid mofo _written across my forehead?

_You know what,_ _I've just fucking had it with asshole men thinking they're smarter than me and better than me, condescending me every fucking chance they got. Who the fuck did they think they were? All of them. They could pretty much just bend over and kiss my ass because I was done with it. I was bringing out the bitch and they were going to regret every little arrogant comment they'd made to me. This bitch, by the way, was not above a homicidal rampage on a few pompous motherfuckers either. _

Before I knew it, I had gotten myself so worked up with the rage in my thoughts that I was shaking.

And suddenly, I just blew up.

"Edward, what the FUCK?What the fuck is going on? First off, my fucking hand that _you _said was broken, doesn't hurt anymore…isn't swollen anymore, and it isn't even bruised. Secondly, where the HELL is everyone? It's like a damned ghost-hospital around here! Does anyone _work_ at two in the morning at this place?

"And now, NOW, you've got me in this fucking CLOSET getting _things_…" as I raised my fingers, sarcastically making a quotation mark gesture. "…for Carlisle. AND you locked the door! You locked the fucking DOOR! What the hell do you think you're doing, huh? I don't know what kind of _game_ you have going on here, but I'm not fucking playing! Do you understand me? You think you can SCARE me? Ha! You've got another thing coming, fucker! Do you think I'm stupi—"

"_Oh!" _

I gasped and held my breath. He'd stopped my ranting right in its tracks because suddenly, he was right in front of me, his breath poured over me.

My knees started to buckle.

I locked them in place as I tried to focus.

_Christ_, his face was not one inch from mine.

He was eye to eye with me and if I had blinked, I could have probably brushed his eyelashes with mine.

I couldn't seem to wrap my head around what was going on. I was confused, and frankly, getting more and more pissed off. Not to mention the fact that I was slowly getting turned on by our close proximity and his all-around presence, which actually pissed me of even more; the fact that I couldn't control my body's reaction to him, especially when I was this annoyed.

I continued to seethe, that is, until I actually looked into his eyes.

They were on fire.

I could almost feel the heat emanatingfrom them as they bore into mine. The fire was infectious, and it caused mine to burn right along with his. We were frozen in time for a moment until he whispered to me and I nearly came unglued at the desperate sound of his voice.

"Bella."

He let out a breath, and licked his lips.

I could feel his breath on my mouth, the heat of his skin, and the fire in his eyes burning through my very soul. I watched his tongue as it darted out and swept across his beautiful, slightly open mouth.

_Oh. Fuck. _

I felt dizzy, as if I was about to faint, and my heart jumped to my throat in about an eighth of a second. I could feel myself begin to flush. It started at the tip of my head and traveled downward, spreading over my stunned face, continuing farther down my neck. It spread the length of my arms and began shooting out of my fingers. It crept down my chest - I felt my nipples tighten as it passed over them - and continued down my torso until it stopped at the center of my core…right between my thighs.

I closed my eyes and gulped, trying to gain control of my now erratic breathing.

_How could he have this sort of effect on me? How could I allow him to have this sort of effect on me? How could his simple presence and the utter of my name under his breath get me this worked up when I was so fucking angry with him mere seconds before? _

_This is ridiculous!_ I screamed in my head. _Pull yourself together, Bella, he is f-u-c-k-i-n-g with you! _

I tried to convince myself of this, but his actions were taking me in a completely different direction.

He placed his hands on the sides of my head and lightly brushed his thumbs across my closed eyelids, which flew open at his touch. I couldn't speak. I couldn't do anything but stare at him in complete shock.

He let out a ragged breath as he spoke.

"C—can you ever forgive me for what I did to you? I—I need you to…_so much, _Bella_. _I can't take it anymore; I need you…_so badly. _I need you in my life. _God_…please say you'll forgive me."

I could see the moisture starting to pool on the bottom of his eyelids and I couldn't think straight. There were absolutely, unequivocally zero words to describe how overwhelming he was… his eyes, his scent, his body oh, so close to mine.

"Edward, I," I started to choke out.

His lips suddenly cut me off as they met mine, soft and gentle.

I gasped.

I felt like there had been no air in my lungs until his lips touched mine, and now they were fuller than they had ever been. My whole body came alive. I could feel every centimeter of my skin; I began to tingle in places I didn't even know I had nerve endings.

What this man did to me, both mentally and physically, especially physically, could only be explained by the feeling of standing in the middle of an erupting volcano and feeling no pain, just feeling the awe of it. Feeling the heat and sparks of fire all around you as it gave you life, gave you an energy that was simply supernatural.

He pulled my bottom lip into his mouth, sucking it lightly before he let it go and pulled away, but never breaking physical contact with me_. _

He then rested his forehead on mine and smiled, his eyelids fluttering closed.

As I looked at him, his closed eyes and beautifully curled up lashes making him resemble an angel, he sucked in another ragged breath.

I was bathing in his scent; my stomach was doing flip after flip after flip. The warmth that had pooled between my now trembling thighs exploded into a fire. I was nothing more than a massive fireball, a blaze of want and need.

"Do you remember," he stammered a little as he spoke during his breaths. "Do you remember the song I wrote for you?"

I did remember the song.

How could I have forgotten it?

It was an amazing song, one of the most beautiful songs I'd ever heard and when he sang it, I could barely hold myself together. The emotion that particular song evoked in me was a force to be reckoned with. This song…_this_ song could bring me to tears in no time at all.

I didn't want to answer him. I didn't want to _think_ about the song.

Why was he making me think about it? He knew what it did to me; at least I thought he knew. I couldn't understand why he would be so cruel to me. He had never been cruel to me before, even after we broke up, but I never gave him the chance either. Why would he have been cruel now?

A voice inside my head pierced through at that precise moment.

_He's not being cruel, Bella. He's sincere. Look at him, he means what he's saying._

Goddamn the voice, because I couldn't argue with it. I had to believe that he was being straight with me. As much as I wanted to remain jaded and bitter, I knew I could no longer justify my irrational feeling of some underlying agenda I thought he might have.

When I finally gave in to my inner conflict and began to believe what my eyes were seeing and my ears were hearing, I looked up at him again. The warmth spread over me for the second time. I found my voice, still barely able to choke out words.

"Y—yes," I whispered, not at all sure if I even said it aloud. He opened his eyes and the emeralds burned into me once again.

Suddenly, he began to sing.

_Oh God._

He began to sing it! I didn't think I could handle it. Fuck! I could barely handle him singing to me when we were together, let alone now, when I didn't even know what the hell was going on. Oh, this son-of-a-bitch was laying it on thick. He _knew _what this did to me.

I started back peddling in my head. If he was trying to play with me, he knew - beyond a shadow of a doubt - that this would have me melting in his arms like butter in no time.

I could feel myself losing control, losing all sense of what was right and what was wrong, what was up and what was down. I didn't even know what was true and what was false.

I felt vertigo.

The walls seemed to be closing in on me and I couldn't breathe. I wanted him to be sincere so badly…but then I didn't. It was easier to be angry with him, to hold a grudge and be bitter…jaded. I'd been that way for so long now; it was just my go-to emotion.

When in doubt…Bella got pissed.

I could feel myself slipping back into the hard, furious shell I hid behind when it came to Edward. I began to gnash my teeth at the only truth I could let myself believe.

He _had_ to be fucking with me, he just _had_ to.

My frail mental state would simply be unable to process it, to comprehend that what he was saying wasn't just hollow words.

I just didn't know what he was doing, and if I didn't know, I, of course, reverted back to - _when in doubt, Bella gets pissed_. Whether it was irrational of me or not, I could feel the rage begin to build in me again. Just as I was on the verge of another violent outburst, my inner voice spoke to me again.

_Bella, you have to calm down and think about this. Think about the club. He wasn't being the prick at the club. You know who was being the prick. Edward was helping you. Look at his face! _

I did, even though I didn't want to. The voice continued.

_Did you even hear what he just said to you? He still feels guilty about what happened a lifetime ago. Maybe this is the only way he knows he can get you to listen to him. Just…give him a chance. Give him a chance. _

I said that over and over to myself. _Give him a chance_. I was so scared that I would be wrong, but I listened to myself and opened my eyes, my ears and- more importantly- my heart. I allowed myself to truly hear him for the first time without anger, hurt and trepidation.

I let the memories flood me, consume me, and it felt like home. It wasn't the stabbing pain that I had imagined it would be if I'd ever heard that song again. It felt like the beach on Lake Michigan, where he had sung it to me for the first time, the whoosh of the incoming waves, the warm breeze coming off of the enormous lake, the seagulls squawking as they joined one another on the sand, and the sunset- throwing brilliant colors into the twilight sky.

I was inundated with feelings I hadn't allowed myself to feel in such a long time. Suddenly we were back there, on the beach. We were no longer in this closet or room full of medical supplies in an empty hospital and I was in love with him again. I was alive again, his voice had acted as a defibrillator, restarting and regenerating my lifeless heart.

As he began to sing to me, I felt myself falling deeper and deeper into him.

His sexy, raspy, soulful voice shattered any reserve I had left in my body. I felt week and dizzy but _God_, I didn't want him to stop, unless it was to put his lips back on mine. He closed his eyes, opened his mouth, and the angelic sound overtook me.

"_I should never think…what's in your heart…_

what's in our home…It's all I want…

"_You'll learn to hate me…_

but still call me ba-by…"

And his perfect mouth curled up into a grin as he sang that line.

Oh, he was fucking killing me.

"_Oh, love…So call me by my name…_

_And…save your soul…_

"_Save your soul…before you're too far gone…_

_Before nothing…can be done…_

"_I'll try to decide when…_

_She'll lie in the end…"_

My breath caught again, because this line struck me. I probably would. I _had _been…lying to myself all this time. He opened his eyes and stared into mine again, continuing, as he began to sway us from side to side.

"_I ain't got no fight left in me in this whole damn world…_

_I said hold off…you choose to hold on…"_

He closed his eyes and licked his lips again.

I was coming undone.

"_It's the one thing that I've known…" _

He continued.

"_Once I put my coat on…_

_I'm coming out in this all wrong…_

_She's standing outside holding me…_

_Saying 'oh please…I'm in love'…_

_I'm in love…"_

Once he sang that line, it was all over for me. My mind was nothing more than absolute mush. My body screamed for me to wrap myself around him and never let go. "I'm in love," was all I needed to hear him say and it didn't matter that he was singing the lyrics of a song. He was singing it to me. The only interpretation I could make at the time was that he _was_ in love. Irrational and delusional, yes, but again, I didn't care.

My body pulsed with pure, unadulterated lust, but my ears rebelled, wanting to continue to hear him as his voice lulled me relentlessly.

"_Girl…save your soul…_

_Save your soul…_

_Before you're too far gone…_

_Before nothing can be done."_

I tried desperately to keep it together.

"'_Cause without me…you got it all…_

_So hold on…_

_Without me you got it all…_

_So hold on…_

_Without me you got it all…_

_So hold…on."_

It was all just too much, the want, the burning desire I had to attack him and make him take me in return. He held my forehead to his, smiling. He had opened his eyes by then, and I was lost in them.

_God, he's so fucking beautiful._

I couldn't speak. I couldn't move. I was paralyzed by his presence, his voice, his expression. Whether he knew it or not, I was completely under his spell.

"Bella," he whispered again, his voice thick with fervor.

I could get nothing to come out of my mouth, so I simply responded, "Mmm?" My eyes were heavy and hooded, mostly from the lust pouring out of me, but also from the lull of his voice.

"Bella, look at me, baby." My fucking breath hitched when he said 'baby', and I did just that. What I saw nearly brought me to my knees and there was no turning back for me.

The lone tear that had escaped his eye, rolled slowly over the curve of his cheekbone as he leaned over, gently kissing my forehead. I closed my eyes, but they flew open in complete shock as the following words fell from his lips.

"Bella. I—I love you."

XXXX

_***Chapter End Notes: How many of you listened to the song while you read. *le-fucking-sigh* The man never ceases to amaze me, or my body parts for that matter. *clears throat* Okay then, what do we think is going to happen next? We shall see. Reviews get you a serenade from the good Doctor Edward. **_


	14. Chapter 12 Sex On Fire

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past **

**Chapter 12, "Sex On Fire" ~ Kings Of Leon**

Bella's POV, continued

_****A/N: Ok, this was my first attempt at writing smut. I want to dedicate this chapter to my beautiful Aussie friends (Jen) *ineedluv*, and (Dianne)*obsessedwithedward1*, who told me I could do it when I was stressing the fuck out about writing SEX out on paper. Thank you for believing in me, my loves. I don't even know what else to say, except I'm a very lucky lady to have such amazing betas! I love you bitches! *Minnakoda*- awesome reviews, my friend! Now, enjoy the lemon, because you won't get another one for a few chapters. *smirk* Check out my profile for links and pics I've chosen for this fic. **_

**Song Link, Sex On Fire: www . youtube . com /watch?v=RF0HhrwIwp0&ob=av2e**

_**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended. Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and its characters…I do not. I just like to put them in, hmm, amazingly sexy situations? So, this story, and all its smutty goodness came from my own screwed up head, no copying…you perverts! Happy reading! **_©2009-2011 WickedCurveBall74/RobsMyEdibleArt, All rights reserved worldwide.

_**Graphic Sexual Content Warning: if you don't like smut…or have morals…you might want to brace yourself before you read this chapter! Just sayin'.This chapter is rated DOCWARD. Enjoy.**_

XXXX

"_Lay where you're layin'…don't make a sound_

_I know they're watchin'…they're watchin'_

_All the commotion…the killing of pain_

_Has people talkin'…they're talkin'_

_You…_

_Your sex is on fire_

_Dark of the alley…the breaking of day_

_Ahead while I'm driving…I'm driving_

_Soft lips are open…knuckles are pale_

_Feels like you're dying…you're dying_

_And you…_

_Your sex is on fire_

_Consumed….with what's to transpire_

_Hot as a fever…rattling bones_

_I can just taste it…taste it_

_If it's not forever…if it's just tonight_

_Oh it's still the greatest_

_The greatest…the greatest_

_And you…_

_Your sex is on fire_

_You…_

_Your sex is on fire_

_Consumed...with what's to transpire_

_And you…_

_Your sex is on fire_

_Consumed…with what's to transpire."_

XXXX

I couldn't take it anymore.

When he muttered those last three words - 'I love you'- the _way_ he said it, in combination with the song he had just sang to me and the way his tongue curled around the words, jolted me into another plane of existence. I felt like I was outside of my body but I could still feel every nerve, along with every hair standing on end, the heat pulsating throughout my body.

The _want_ was too much. I had never needed anything so much in my life.

I felt like I would suffocate without his mouth on mine, without his hands on my body.

I gave in to my impulses.

It was inevitable, and I couldn't stop it.

I crushed my lips to his in desperate fury. He matched mine with an equal fury, fisting his hands in my hair, and eliciting a low groan from the pit of his stomach. He turned his head to the side slightly and I followed in the opposite direction, as we gave each other easier access to our desperate tongues.

I parted my lips slightly and exhaled into his mouth, drinking him in as I inhaled slowly, my tongue tracing his top lip involuntarily. I no longer had control over what my body was doing; my lungs were pumping air in and out of me at a massive rate, my heart was beating uncontrollably and my tongue was taking matters into its own hands.

_God, he tasted good. _

I remembered now, just how fucking good he tasted.

He moved one hand from my hair to right between my shoulder blades and crushed our chests together effectively closing the gap between us, sending my mind into a spiral of insanity.

I slowly ran my fingertips down to his neck… to his shoulders, to the sides of his arms and back up, feeling every dip and curve of his muscles as they clenched.

I felt his hand on my upper back move down slowly to the small of my back and quickly move in a circular motion. His fingertips dug into the denim fabric of my jeans and over my ass cheek.

I moaned into his mouth and pulled away slightly as I ran the tip of my tongue along the outside of both of his now plump and deliciously perfect lips.

The same hand that had grazed the ass of my jeans had now moved, and was again resting on the small of my back. Suddenly, his hand tensed and forcefully pressed my hips forward to meet his.

I could feel him.

_All of him_.

And he was as hard as a fucking rock.

Moisture pooled in my core and my hips bucked against his in an involuntary movement.

"_Oh God," _I gasped. I wanted to fucking rip both of our clothes off at that very moment, and clear off the desk, but I resisted.

"_Fuck,_ Bella, I want you so much right now," he moaned in return, our erratic breathing matching one another's.

I answered him by pulling his lower lip between mine and sucking on it before I bit down gently, and then pulled away. I looked up at him, my eyes blazing as I then licked my own swollen lips.

He kept his forehead resting on mine; we both drew in breath after desperate breath, our chests heaving in and out. He ran his fingers on his left hand lightly down the side of my face, tracing my lips with his thumb, and I darted my tongue out to meet it. He closed his eyes and gasped.

"_Bella." _

It was the only thing he seemed to be able to get out, and it was barely audible. He exhaled roughly.

He continued tracing his fingertips down my neck, across my collarbone and down my chest, brushing the palm of his hand over my right breast and under it, grazing this thumb over the top of my nipple. I threw my head back and moaned his name in response .

"Edward, holy_ shit!"_

He said nothing, but kept moving his fingers down my body, along my ribcage to my hipbone. My breath got increasingly unsteady.

In a swift movement, he placed his right hand on my other hip and turned us both, desperately shoving my back against the locked door.

"Oh!" I moaned and shrieked at the same time.

My knees were buckling.

The heat was so intense, I began panting, the sweat dripping from me.

Without missing a beat, he dipped his head and grabbed my earlobe in between his lips, sucking it. His tongue slid along the under side of my ear.

"Oh…my…God, Edward, _fuck,_"I moaned loudly and bucked my hips against his again, desperately seeking some friction to alleviate the throbbing I was now feeling.

"I want to touch your entire body," he whispered in my ear. It sent a shiver up and back down my spine.

"_Please_ touch me, Edward,"I panted.

At that moment, he grasped my hips on each side and held them as he dug the tips of his fingers into the fabric of my jeans. I almost felt pain, but it was too fucking good to be painful. He pressed my pelvis against his erection, which I could feel straining behind his button-flies. I writhed against him again and gasped as I whispered between breaths.

"Please Edward, please touch me."

He moved his left thumb in a sweeping motion on my hip, and then slowly moved down the outside of my thigh with the palm of his hand. At the same time, his lips moved down my neck - my vein nearly pulsing out of my skin as my heartbeat was now in over drive - and placed his hot, wet lips on my exposed collarbone.

Once again, my head fell backward as I exhaled sharply.

His hand reached my knee and then cupped around the back of it as he yanked it upward and hitched my right leg around his hip, grinding himself into me and pressing me tighter against the door.

I grabbed the side of his jaw between my teeth and wrapped my lips onto it, sucking and licking that _sexy _fucking jaw-line_. _I devoured it, as if I was starving to death_._

An erotic, low growl emitted from his chest.

It was pretty much the sexiest fucking sound I had _ever_ heard in my life.

He swiftly moved the palm of his right hand down the outside of my left thigh to the back of my other knee and pulled, hitching my left leg around his hip. He suspended me, sandwiched me between his body and the door; my legs then wrapped around his hips as he ground into me again.

I bucked, meeting his grind and feeling the friction I was desperate for. I reached both of my hands up to the back of his head as his mouth found mine again, and our tongues crashed together, massaging one another and twisting - intertwining together like satin ribbons. I fisted his hair, and yanked it slightly as I pulled his head backward to give my mouth access to that _hot as hell_ chin of hisand grabbed it in between my lips.

"_Fuck…Bella," _he breathed as we writhed against one another.

Every millisecond, I was becoming increasingly wet as I felt the heat between us. I wondered if our jeans might catch fire from the friction of our strenuous dry-humping. I honestly didn't give the slightest fuck; I would burn to death, wrapped in his arms. The only problem was that the clothes were a nuisance, keeping us from connecting fully.

_I want skin-on-skin contact and I want it now._

I ran one of my hands from the back of his head down his back and grasped onto his perfectly sculpted ass cheek, and as I gripped it, I moaned into his mouth again.

At that moment, he moved both of his hands to _my _ass and pulled me from the door, causing me to have to grab him around the neck to keep from falling backward. He whipped us around hastily and swept his arm across the old desk to clear off the sporadic debris, supply forms and sticky notepads fluttering across the room as if caught in a violent wind.

The pens were thrown with such force that they bounced against the wall with a _pop_, and then dropped to the floor with a light _smack_. Once the inconvenient items were no longer in the way, he slammed me onto the desk as he followed, hovering over me.

It took my breath away.

"_Oh, fuck!"_ I gasped.

"Is that what you want?" he growled. I could feel the smile spread across his lips as he looked up at me, his chin buried in between my breasts.

"Yes…yes…it's what I want. _Please_, yes,"I continued to pant.

_Jesus Christ, Bella. Desperate much?_

He stood up from me and reached around his hips to unclasp my legs, which were still clenched and fused to him. This caused me to groan in frustration. It was short lived frustration, however, as he reached down, flicked the button of my jeans undone and ripped the zipper down in one swift movement.

He stared at me, his eyes liquid fire as he licked those beautiful lips again.

"Are you sure?" he asked. The mischief was gone from his expression, and it was replaced with reverent concern.

I pushed myself up onto my elbows, crooked an eyebrow at him and answered him with heavy breath.

"What I'm _sure _of is that I'm about ready to spontaneously combust_, _Edward, so that's a pretty _stupid _fucking question!"

He smirked, reached down to the waistband of my jeans and, again in one swift movement. He ripped them off of my legs and smoothly past my appropriately named _fuck-me_ boots, leaving me in only my now wet panties from the waist down. He stared at the boots, his mouth falling open.

"Well, fuck me if I forgot you had _those _sexy things on," he groaned and palmed the crotch of his button-flies.

I grinned wickedly and sat up, shoving his sexy, tight shirt up. He took the hint and grasped it, pulling it over his head. My hands quickly moved from his chest and down his…his six-pack, to the fly of his jeans and I pulled forcefully.

"_Pop. Pop. Pop. Pop."_

The sound of the buttons coming out of their holes nearly made me drench myself, and I shoved his jeans down around his thighs. His black boxer-briefs were forced down with them.

_Oh, the promised land staring me right in the face._

I followed his drool-inducing happy trail of hair slowly down with my eyes and licked my lips as I took in his massive erection. I wrapped my hand around it - the one that was supposed to be broken (_still so fucking weird that it didn't hurt at all) - _pumping it a couple times before I ran my thumb around the head of it and over the top. As I spread his pre-cum over it, I yanked him toward me.

"Jesus, _Fuck_, BELLA!"He gasped, shoving me back onto the desk with his naked torso. He crushed his mouth to mine in desperate need, bucking against my hand as I felt the friction of my knuckles on my center.

"Edward, I want you now,"I breathed.

As he dipped his thumbs beneath the waist of my panties, he slyly moved his right hand to the left, reaching his thumb in and grazing my already throbbing flesh. I arched my back and bucked into his thumb, then cried out, desperately in need of more friction.

While my back was arched, he immediately pulled the thin, lace fabric of my panties down and quickly stood up, as he slid them past my boots with ease and discarded them on the floor. Instead of bringing his lips right back to mine, he dipped down and started coming up slowly, planting his mouth on the inside of my left knee and trailing light, wet kisses up my inner thigh.

I thought I was going to hyperventilate as I pressed my head into the desk and tried to slow my erratic breathing_._

He reached as far as he could go at the crease of my thigh and licked just to the side of my now soaking wetcore. I sucked in a ragged breath and held it.

He quickly moved his head over, his fingers making tingly trails up my legs following behind him, and stuck his tongue out again, slowly licking. He licked from my entrance to my throbbing bud. He then entered me with one finger, and added another, pumping in and out, in and out before withdrawing them.

I arched my back again as I cried out.

"_Oh_, Jesus, mother of…"

He pulled away from me and stood up.

Through my heavy breaths, I sat up and reached my hands toward him. As my fingers found the bronze chaos atop his head, I ran them through it and grabbed a fistful in both hands, eliciting a low moan from him, and pulled his face toward mine.

"I'm going to fucking_ kill _youin about two seconds," I huffed, as I glared at him. My whole body was smoldering.

He chuckled under his heavy breath as he reached down to the hem of my shirt and whisked it off of my torso, over my head, causing me to momentarily let go of his hair, but I replaced my hands quickly and squeezed the fist-full of hair gently in an attempt to keep him focused.

"That's what _you_ do to_ me_ every day of my life," he whispered on his breath.

He lifted me slightly and scooted my ass back a few inches, following me as my back contacted the cool desk, and crashed his naked, scorching body onto mine. His hard cock was nestled perfectly between my folds and quickly, he thrust forward and back.

"_Oh, God, Edward!" _I moaned.

"_Jesus_, Bella, your so fucking wet."He matched my moan and pulled my bottom lip into his mouth as he thrust again.

"Information I'm already fully aware of. I want you inside of me. _Please_ Edward, just…fucking PLEASE!"

I could feel it in the pit of my stomach…the burning sensation and the tingles as they ran their way up and down my body to my toes. I was getting close to fucking exploding, and I wanted him inside me. I wanted to feel him pulsing as he came with me.

He drew in yet another ragged breath and lifted his hips so that the head was positioned right at my entrance. I pulled my knees up, resting the heels of my feet on the edge of the desk, thrusting my hips up and causing the tip to dip into me slightly. He closed his eyes and gasped as if he had been underwater for far too long, exhalling sharply and slowly pressed into me. He entered me inch by inch until he was completely buried in me and our bodies were fused together.

"_Oh…Jesus…Bella…fu…unnngh," _he stammered, rocking his hips.

We fit each other so unbelievably perfectly, like a custom made glove. The sensations shot through me. The fire licked every last space on my skin; the little beads of sweat collected at my hairline on my forehead and trickled down to my temples.

I began rocking my hips in unison with his and it was fucking_ perfection_.

We each knew exactly what the other wanted…needed.

I was on fire and he was on fire, our bodies molded together in ecstasy.

"_Fuck_, Bella. You're so fucking warm and tight, _oh, fu…ck…_you're going to make me come…so hard."He groaned.

His hands went down to my hips, lifting them slightly as he pulled almost completely out of me and then slammed himself all the way back in.

I moaned his name and arched my back, slamming my head into the hard wood of the desk with a loud _thud_.

"Oh, shit! Oh my God, Bella!" He stopped abruptly. "Are you ok?"

I gritted my teeth, speaking through them.

"Ugh! I'm fine, Edward, _please, _just shut up and don't stop. For the love of _God_, don't fucking stop."

He laughed out loud. It sent a wave of pleasure through me and I bucked against him.

"_Fuck," _he groaned again and began to thrust harder and faster.

My thighs clenched around him and my hips went with him as the friction became hotter and hotter. I felt the fluttering in my stomach and it spread throughout me as I began to careen over the edge.

And then, I fucking _exploded_. The fire engulfed me; my hips bucked and thrust as I rode out my orgasm. As I came all around him, I saw red…blue…green and purple fireworks behind my eyelids.

"Edward!Oh- my- fucking- God!"I screamed and he continued to pump into me, faster and faster.

He began to quietly repeat my name over and over.

"Bella…Bella…Bella…"

I smiled to myself, my eyes closed, still feeling waves of pleasure rush through me from my explosion and knowing he was getting close himself. I could feel him pulsing inside of me.

"Bella…Bella…open your eyes…"

"Bella…Bella…Bella. Please Bella, open your eyes."

I did as he asked me to - begged me to. I opened my eyes and…suddenly I was confused.

What. The. Fuck?

XXXX

"Hey sleepy head. You scared me. I wasn't sure that I was going to be able to wake you up for a while there."

It was Edward's voice, but it didn't sound like it did two seconds ago…breathless and raspy. I blinked my eyes a couple times.

I was sitting.

I was sitting in the passenger seat of Edward's car.

I was _sitting_ here as opposed to lying on a desk being _fucked_ by this man, who was now looking at me with a very peculiar expression. It was not the smoldering lust I had seen just a minute ago, before I closed my eyes.

I was suddenly cursing myself for closing my eyes.

I looked out the windshield to see the huge sign, 'Chicago General Hospital.' Cars were everywhere. People were rushing about in the parking lot and going into and out of the massive building in front of us.

I took in a deep breath and held it as I looked around, feeling dazed and confused. My ass was on fire and I looked down to see that the seat warmer was still on. My eyes shifted to my lap where my left hand was holding onto my right. Except it wasn't holding my right hand, it was gripping it…as in _death-grip. _

Reality suddenly came up and slapped me right in the face as I pulled my left hand from my right and searing pain shot through to my elbow.

"_Ow, fuck!" _I shrieked and Edward jumped.

"Shit…Bella, are…are you okay?" He instinctively reached toward me to try to help.

I pulled away from him and shifted my hips to change position- and to turn off the damned seat warmer.

I could feel the familiar wetness in my panties.

I froze.

I could feel the heat creep in and begin to wash over my face, as I slowly looked over at Edward.

_Jesus fucking Christ! I just had a fucking wet dream in Edward's car, sitting right next to him!_

He was just looking at me with an unreadable expression, his mouth twisted up into that sexy smirk again, eyebrows arched.

I knew.

_I fucking knew it._

He heard me. Because it just wouldn't be embarrassing enough if I didn't talk in my sleep. So I knew he heard something come out of my mouth that probably wasn't a natural sleepy moan.

_Shit._

"Huh?" I asked, still feeling groggy and a tad irritable.

"Uh, are you, uh, okay?" He blushed.

_He fucking blushed. Perfect! Way-to-fucking-go, Bella! Christ, if he's blushing, he definitely heard more than a moan._

"Oh! Psshh! Yeah, I'm fine,"I blurted as I made a sweeping motion toward him. I pulled the car door handle awkwardly with my left hand, and bolted out of the car into the cold air hoping to dissipate the flaming red face I was sporting. He hopped out and sprinted around the car quickly, standing in front of me.

"You are?" he questioned as his eyes shifted to my hand, then to my chest - of course - and then back to my face. "You seem a little…uh…wound up."

I thought I noticed a very subtle smirk start to creep across his lips, but dismissed it as my imagination.

"Well…err…no, actually, my hand is fucking killing me." I winced in obvious pain. He grimaced, his brow furrowed.

"Yeah, I, uh, noticed you were gripping your hand pretty tight while you slept, but I was afraid to touch you."

_Fuck. He just said 'touch you.'_

"I was afraid I would startle you and you might hurt yourself even more, uh, in your sleep," he continued.

"Oh," I breathed out. I could feel the heat creeping up my neck again. "Um, I guess I was dreaming," I whispered, barely audible to my own ears.

Apparently _he_ heard me, though, because he started to choke and then stopped himself. He cleared his throat, pressing his lips together and stifling what looked like the beginning of an all-out belly laugh.

_I guess that_ wasn't_ my imagination. Well, fuck me. Great. Wonderful. _

He took a short breath.

"Yeah, it…it must have been some dream, with the grip you had on that hand, uh, and your crazy breathing."

My head snapped up and I glared at him.

"Is that _all _you heard Edward, or was there something else you needed to share with me?"

He shook his head and plastered a confused look on his face.

"N—no. Well, maybe just my name a couple of times," he said innocently, but smirking again.

"I don't remembermy dream, Edward, but if it included _your _name, I'm sure I was probably kicking your ass in it," I spat, praying to God he didn't hear anything else.

"Well…" He cocked his head to the side. "Maybe it was a nightmare and, you know, a vampire or something was trying to get you…and you were calling my name out to save you. Ever think of that? Hmm?" His face was amused; he was grinning from ear to ear.

_Shit. He just said 'calling my name.' I'm so busted._

I had to rectify this and fast.

"Well," I placed my good hand on my hip - where Edward's hand had been in my dream - and cocked my own head to the side.

"Maybe it _was_ a nightmare, but I'm pretty sure that _you_ would be the monster I was running from, Edward." I quickly dropped my head, pretending to check out my aching hand, and willed him with everything in me, to _not_ see right through my façade.

This time, he did laugh. Out loud.

He rolled his eyes and threw his head back as he sang.

"Oh…kay Bella, whatever you say!" He placed his fingers lightly on my shoulders and turned me toward the way of the hospital. We both began to trudge forward, toward the hospital doors.

_The emergency room._

He slipped his hand down, softly placing it on the small of my back.

I sucked in a silent breath because this was starting to feel…

_Way _too…familiar.

XXXX

_**Chapter End Notes, *A/N: *ducking behind laptop* I'm sooooory! Come-on now, I had to make it a dream, you guys. I can't have Bella being a total cheating slut right now. Goodness, they just left the club. *sheesh* Pervs. Okay, so I'm ready for the verbal assault. Bring it. I can handle it! Reviews land you on a desktop with naked Docward. Up next some more insanity. **_

10

Chapter 12, Sex On Fire


	15. Chapter 13 Far Away

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past **

**Chapter 13, "Far Away" ~ Nickelback**

Edward's POV

_***A/N: Well, Edwards back to give us his take. Hope you like…as per usual, my betas OWN me. (TheSnapCrakklePop and Love of Escapism- you bitches are da bomb!) **_

_**I had originally made this one very long chapter, however, knowing it would be hard to get it all uploaded to one post, I went ahead and broke it into two. I hope that it doesn't seem choppy. I tried to make it a smooth transition from chappy 13 to chappy 14. Enjoy! Comments, please! **_

_**Thanks you, oh loyal readers and reviewers. You own me too.**_

**Song Link, Far Away: www . youtube . com /watch?v=VxZByfLPdSQ**

_**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended. Nickelback owns and rocks this song like Bella straddling Edward (don't worry, it'll happen)! Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and characters…fuck it, she owns me too. I own this story, though, so na-na-nuh-boo-boo! **__**2009-2011 WickedCurveBall74/RobsMyEdibleArt, All rights reserved worldwide.**_

XXXX

"_This time, this place, misused mistakes,_

_Too long, too late_

_Who was I to make you wait?_

_Just one chance_

_Just one breath_

_Just in case there's just one left_

'_Cause you know….you know…..you know!_

_I love you_

_I've loved you all along_

_And I miss you_

_Been far away for far too long_

_I keep dreaming, you'll be with me and you'll never go_

_Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore._

_On my knees I'll ask, last chance for one last dance_

'_Cause with you I'd withstand all of hell to hold your hand_

_I'd give it all, give for us_

_Anything but I won't give up_

'_Cause you know….you know….you know!_

_I love you_

_I've loved you all along_

_And I miss you_

_Been far away for far too long_

_I keep dreaming, you'll be with me and you'll never go_

_Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore._

_So far away…so far away…been far away for far too long_

_So far away…so far away…been far away for far too long_

_But you know…you know…you know!_

_I wanted_

_I wanted you to stay_

'_Cause I needed_

_I need to hear you say_

_I love you…I loved you all along_

_And I forgive you…for being away for far too long_

_So keep breathing, 'cause I'm not leavin' you anymore_

_Believe it, hold on to me, and never let me go_

_Keep breathing, 'cause I'm not leavin' you anymore_

_Believe it, hold on to me, and never let me go_

_Keep breathing, hold on to me and never let me go_

_Keep breathing, hold on to me and never let me go."_

XXXX

_I'll tell you one thing._ That was no nightmarethat girl was having_._

I was completely positive of that.

Still, I wasn't positive of what it was that she was actually dreaming about.

I could've taken a wild guess at it, based on the heavy breathing that was coming out of her. The fact that she had a death gripon her poor broken hand was another indicator…which I knew was going to be killing her by the time she woke up and could do nothing about. Knowing Bella, if I'd tried to remove her hand, she would've freaked out, probably hitting it against the door or the window. Who knew? But, I could guaran-_fucking_-tee it would've been my fault.

Not to mention, the part that fucking killed me was the fact that she moaned - not said casually, not yelled in an angry way - but fucking _moaned_ my name.

Not once, but several times this happened during her quote/unquote nightmare, followed by a whisper of, "Oh, Edward."

_I swear to God_, the first time I heard my name fall from those plump little lips of hers, I thought I was literally going to go into massive cardiac arrest_._ She was going to wake up to us crashed into a fucking tree or something off the side of the goddamned road and I would be in full-on fucking _A-fib_. Because after the first moan, came a second, followed by several harsh intakes of breath, a sigh, and a whisper of my name once again.

I nearly ran off the road.

I couldn't take my eyes off of her.

That, honestly, could very well have been the sexiest fucking sound I ever…and I mean _ever_ heard.

The memories of our time together were washing over me in epic wave upon wave, and I couldn't control the reaction that it got out of my dick.

It was as hard as a fucking steel beam and I fought to maintain my control.

Really, what other 'Edwards' did she know?

_It had to be me._

Either that or I was flat out losing my mind, which I could admit, was entirely fucking possible after the preceding events of tonight; me almost literally taking her husband to the ground, for one.

It would've happened had Emmett and Jasper, and Sam for that matter, not been around_._

I suppose she could've been dreaming about her husband…however _Jake_ and_ Edward_ sounded nothing alike, and she said _my_ name_. _Besides, she was so pissed at him when we left the club that I couldn't have imagined her thinking erotic thoughts about him after the sorry bullshit he pulled earlier.

So, where did that leave my thoughts?

_Jesus_ _fuck._

It was going to take all the strength I could muster to not find an empty supply room somewhere in this godforsaken hospital and just shove her cute little ass up against the wall and kiss her senseless.

The problem was that I knew I wouldn't have the strength to stop at kissing, not with Bella. Especially not with Bella.

There was no way I would've been able to stop. I would want to tear her clothes off - even the sexy tight-ass jeans she was wearing - and use my tongue on her in ways that were utterly , I was fairly certain I would've been leaving those stiletto-heeled, sexy motherfucking boots _on_ her.

I really wanted to hear her moan my name and pant and cry out in ecstasy as I made her clench her thighs and come all around me…or around my hand…or on my tongue.

_I could find an empty room, one that we used for sleeping during a long shift, and throw her down on the bed, touch every inch of her body- __taste her- ju__st look at her beneath me and feel her body under me as I slowly made love to her until she called out my name over and over._

Just like in her fucking dream.

_Shit!_

I had to shake my head repeatedly to try to rid it of these thoughts. I even tried to think of Rosalie. As beautiful as she was on the outside, the succubus no longer did anything for me. Unfortunately, that didn't even work.

At that point in time, I was fairly certain that I had, in fact, lost it.

I considered asking Carlisle to pull some strings and have me locked up in a padded room…straight jacket and all.

Really, who was I to try and get into her head, though? After everything that I put her through, I deserved to be shut out of it for eternity.

But, _fuck_ did I wish I could get into that girl's head.

Then again…maybe not.

The thoughts in _her _head, especially the ones involving me - if there were any - would most likely devastate me, and I just didn't think I would be able to handle that. I really didn't think I could _ever_ stop being pissed at my loathsome self for the past. I couldn't let go of it, and I was pretty sure, neither could she. The harder I tried to move on, the clearer her face had become in my head.

The more I had tried to contact her after she left me, the more she told me to leave her the fuck alone. I remember how I tried to see her, but couldn't. I tried to find her, to go to her. I just wanted to talk to her, to explain, although there was no good excuse that existed to make right what I had done. I went to her house once, about a month after we broke up, to beg, plead, and grovel at her feet. I made it to the front door, about to knock, until Charlie came out of it holding a twelve-gauge. I didn't make that mistake again. After that, it was a couple of years before I even saw her again. It was in passing and very, very brief, but awkward.

_You know, whoever came up with the phrase 'time heals all wounds' is a motherfucking moron._

No matter what Bella thought of me, however much she still hated me, I deserved it and so much more. If it was possible for me to literally kick my own ass, I would've done it in a heart-beat.

Still, I racked my brain, over and over, trying to figure out how Jake could possibly have taken this girl for granted, _ever._

I understood the jealousy. I felt it myself, in the past when she was mine, even now.

I was jealous of _him. _

He had her.

She had vowed to be _his_ forever and he was acting like a complete tool.

I lied to her when I told her I was afraid to touch her for fear that she would hurt herself. I _was_ afraid that she would jerk her hand away if I tried to remove it from the other.

But I did touch her.

When we reached the hospital and she was still asleep, I placed my hand on her thigh very lightly.

_Oh Jesus, how I missed that._

She shifted her body when I touched her and said something to the effect of "Please"and "Edward,"which fucked with my head so much that I had to remove my hand and run it through my hair three…four…five times, to get a grip on myself. I briefly considered slamming my head into the steering wheel to try and jolt my brain enough that maybe I would damage it and fucking erase the tortured memories and feelings I still had for this girl.

As much as I tortured myself, I was in heaven listening to her. It had been so long since I had been able to listen to her talk in her sleep and I was always so fascinated by it. It gave me a glimpse into her dreams, her desires, her soul and even her nightmares. I spent many a sleepless night on my side, propped up on my elbow, just listening to her, watching her sleep. I would look at her beautiful lips move, her facial expressions change. I'd laugh quietly at the sometimes incoherent mumbo jumbo that would spill from her mouth.

_That_ was my heaven.

Right now, I was in_ hell._

I was in hell because as much as I wanted to deny it, and as much as I tried to put it out of my mind; as much as it hurt me, I was still in love with her.

I was still in love with her, but I didn't _deserve_ her.

In love with her, but could never _have_ her.

Her heart had belonged to someone else for quite some time now. Someone that I now believed, didn't deserve her any more than I did.

I was relieved when she finally did wake up, although I had to say her name over and over, and practically had to beg her to open her eyes. When she did, I breathed a sigh of relief because I needed her awake. I needed that spunky attitude of hers to pull me out of my own ridiculous fucking head.

I felt a little bad for her when I saw the crimson wash over her face as she woke and realized she was still in my car, obviously confused and disoriented at first. Then, just as I predicted, her reality set back in and she screeched and hissed in pain when she moved her hand.

I was instantly pissed, not at her by any means, but in remembering why the fuck we were here in the first place.

_Thanks, Jake, you_ _douchebag. _

Actually, I really should thank him. Sadistic as it may have been for me to indeed be glad that she hurt herself, it was onlybecause I was able to be alone with her, for once in far…_far _too long.

I felt like I had been away for a long, long time. On a trip maybe, or traveling…working maybe, and this was our reunion. This was the moment we would come together and rectify our relationship with passion and adoration.

We would hold each other and tell each other how much we needed, wanted, loved one another.

We would be overcome with passion, unable to keep our hands off of each other.

_Christ, I should have never watching that fucking movie…the goddamned 'Notebook'. Turned me into a sappy motherfucker_.

Sadly, those feeling were true for me. I was man enough to admit it. _That_ was what this girl did to me. _She _turned me into a sappy motherfucker and I was hopelessly stuck in this limbo bullshit of knowing who I needed and wanted in my life, and being paralyzed to do any fucking thing about it.

The fantasy I was currently living in was working overtime, almost making me giddy that I was actually alone with her. It was completely irrational, because what the fuck did I _think _was going to happen, really?

It didn't matter.

She was here…alone…with me. I was reveling in every fucking second of it.

Still, I couldn't help but be a cocky asshole when she said she 'must have beendreaming,' because that was pretty much the fucking understatement of the year_. _So, my idiotic body acted before my brain had a chance to stifle it, and started to convulse with laughter until I choked it back and tried to control it.

Of course she noticed it and her feisty little attitude came back in full force. Questioning me with those huge liquid-blue eyes and putting that cute little hand of hers on that sexy hip.

_Fuck. This girl had me by the balls even to this day._

I tried to play it off of course, even insinuating that she was having a nightmare, hoping she didn't see that I was being completely and utterly facetious. I knew she would snap back at me, though, and I ate it up.

God, I loved that little feisty shit that she spewed out. It always got me going, not to mention turned me on.

I subtly adjusted myself, hoping that she was not witnessing that this was _precisely_ what she was doing to me.

I remembered how we could go back and forth for hours on end. Me provoking, laughing at her feistiness - because I fucking loved it so much - and Bella getting completely red in the face and pissed off. Even though she knew I was kidding around and pushing her buttons, she was so damned stubborn that she couldn't let it go until I shut up and she got to have the last word. This was why we went on and on for hours, see, because I didn't go down that easily.

It always worked in my favor, though, because I let her win, eventually…well, someti—ok, _most_ of the

time.

I would start acting; being sorry, kissing on her skin, and rubbing her thighs. She would loosen up, at which time I took the opportunity to palm her sexy tits, always with my thumb on her nipple, which would elicit a low moan out of her. That shit was what gave my ass the _do-not-pass-go, green-light, gentlemen-start-your-fucking-engines _go ahead, and it was on.

Those particular love fests were the things of legend.

Never to be topped and, thanks to me, never to _be_, again.

She was absolutely wrong, however, in her assessment of the not-so-much-but-I'll-go-along-with-itnightmare scenario, because it would never be her running from the fucking vampire.

_And where the hell did I come up with such an idiotic idea anyway?_

It wouldn't be her.

She's too strong.

It would be _me._

Granted, I've been running from my demons for years now, but it would be _me_ running, nonetheless.

Running from a monster that I could never get away from completely, my own monster. Theone I created when I fucked a whore and inevitably lost the love of my life.

And I would be screaming.

I would be running and screaming and calling her name.

_Bella!_

I would be fucking calling to her with everything in me…to be saved.

She was the only person that could.

The _only_ person that could save me from my past.

I had prayed to a God that I wasn't even sure existed anymore, and, if he did, was more than likely doing what he could to make me pay for my shitty past…

I had prayed that she would…save me…

If only in my dreams.

XXXX

I knew it was wrong, to put my hand on her again, but I simply couldn't help it. It was almost as if there was a magnetic attraction that our bodies had for one another.

My negative to her positive.

One that caused us to migrate toward one another until there was some sort of physical touch involved.

At least, that was how it used to be and that was how it still was for me.

So, wrong or right, I put my hand on her back to help guide her to where we were going. She gave me this befuddled glance as we walked in through the emergency room doors, but quickly looked down and away when I met her gaze and whisked her past the emergency room.

I knew what she was thinking and answered her in my head.

_No, Bella, I happen to be a doctor, whose father happens to be the head of Ortho here, so we'll be heading straight to Carlisle's office. You're welcome. _

I smirked at my own inner dialogue.

As we walked down a long hallway to the elevators, I noticed an open door, which led into a storage room, mainly toiletry items. I glanced at the room, remembering my fantasy, looked down at Bella, and quickly looked away, trying to wipe the smirk off of my face before she saw it. What I wasn't expecting to see, however, was the way that Bella glanced at the room, met my gaze for a split second, before shifting her eyes to the floor.

The crimson washed once again over her face.

.Hell?

Was it even possible that she was thinking along the same lines as me?

We had just made it to the elevators as the doors were opening to let its passengers out. It was rather crowded, not unusual for this place or time for that matter. People were beginning to pile out of it. As the last of the people shuffled out of the elevator, I caught a glimpse of a dirty-blonde-haired man coming out. His straw-like mop of hair was pulled back in his signature pony tail at the nape of his neck.

My nostrils flared and I grit my teeth.

Just _exactly_ what I didn't fucking need tonight. I hated this motherfucker.

"Fucking James,"I sighed and mumbled under my breath.

XXXX

_**Chapter End Notes, *A/N: Dun…dun…duuuuun! So, new characters will start to emerge. James is something else. I'll let you form your own opinion on that one. So, how am I doing so far? What do you think of Edward's self-hatred? I know, I wish I could soothe him too. Okay, reviews make me keep writing, folks. They also get you round two in the supply closet with Docward! Until next time…**_


	16. Chapter 14 Sorry

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past**

**Chapter 14, "Sorry" ~ Buckcherry**

Edward's POV continued….

_***A/N – Thanks to all of you amazing readers and reviewers! Again, lots of love to my unstoppable Betas who hold my hand and kiss it better like they're my two little 'Mama's'! **_

_**Again, I hope it's not that 'choppy' of a transition. **_

_**Check out my profile for links, and enjoy! **_

**Song Link, Sorry: www . youtube . com /watch?v=VascyLfpNrI**

_**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement is intended. Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and the characters, and me, and my life, and my first born child, and the child I will eventually have with Robert Pattinson, and…what? This story owns me as well…it's a good thing it's all mine! No copying. *glares* **_©2009-2011 WickedCurveBall74/RobsMyEdibleArt, All rights reserved worldwide.

XXXX

"_Oh I, had a lot to say_

_Was thinking on my time away_

_I miss you and things weren't the same_

'_Cause everything inside, it never comes out right_

_And when I see you cry, it makes me want to die_

_I'm sorry I'm bad…I'm sorry you're blue_

_I'm sorry 'bout all the things I said to you_

_And I know…I can't take it back_

_I love how you kiss…I love all your sounds_

_And baby the way you make my world go 'round_

_And I just wanted to say…I'm sorry_

_This time, I think I'm to blame_

_It's harder to get through the days_

_You get older and blame turns to shame_

'_Cause everything inside, it never comes out right_

_And when I see you cry, it makes me want to die_

_I'm sorry I'm bad…I'm sorry you're blue_

_I'm sorry 'bout all the things I said to you_

_And I know…I can't take it back_

_I love how you kiss…I love all your sounds_

_And baby the way you make my world go 'round_

_And I just wanted to say…I'm sorry_

_Every single day, _

_I think about how we came all this way_

_The sleepless nights and the tears you cried_

_It's never too late to make it right_

_Oh yeah…sorry!_

_I'm sorry I'm bad…I'm sorry you're blue_

_I'm sorry 'bout all the things I said to you_

_And I know…I can't take it back_

_I love how you kiss…I love all your sounds_

_And baby the way you make my world go 'round_

_And I just…wanted to say…I'm sorry_

_I'm sorry baby…I'm sorry baby…yeah_

_I'm sorry"_

XXXX

"What? Who?" Bella stated, and looked up at me with a tired but curious expression.

"Nobody," I spoke through my teeth. "Just a prick that works with Carlisle a lot. I guess I'll have to introduce you. We can't avoid the motherfucker keep the talking to a minimum, Bella, he's a fucking creep. I'm so sorry to subject you to this." I looked at her apologetically.

"Huh?" She sighed. "Great, Edward. Just what I need, another fuck-head to talk to tonight." She seemed to be frantically searching the crowd for _Jack-the-ripper_. Her eyes were wide, as if I was about to introduce her to a lethal maniac.

I wouldn't necessarily have called him _that _– James - but he was a shady motherfucker_._ Hehad been hired recently, in the past few months, and worked as an x-ray tech. It just so happened that I knew about his questionable past. His last job, according to Carlisle - who, fortunately for me, had to deal with him more than I did - was at a hospital out of state. He had allegedly been fired for locking himself in the x-ray room with a young female patient, I believe in her early twenties, and making disgusting sexual advances toward her.

Apparently, there wasn't sufficient evidence to charge him with anything or take his license away, so the motherfucker got to keep it. I guess the media was all over it though, in Seattle - where the asshole was from - but I was highly suspicious of his innocence.

_You have to move __halfway across the country to get a new job if you're an innocent man? _

No, something wasn't right about him. He gave even _me_ the creeps.

I avoided him as much as I possibly could, but this freak was almost like a stalker. He seemed to fucking find me everywhere. I honestly never paid attention to the guy to know what the hell his sexual preference was and couldn't give two fucks _what_ it was, but I never saw him with or heard him talk about a girlfriendor wife or anything like that. He did do a lot of flirting with nurses, doctors, and even patients that were young and qualified for his idea of _hot_.

For some reason, again, this incessant flirting led me to believe the Seattle story as fact.

It was very rare that Rose used to come to meet me for lunch at work, but when she did, James would come around. He was like a goddamned phantom, nowhere in sight one minute and mysteriously there the next. If he wasn't fucking stalking me, he _was_ stalking my girlfriend. Each of those times, I had wanted to dig his fucking wandering eyeballs - that were either fixed on her tits or her ass - out of his head and feed them to him. Of course, Rose being the succubusthat she was, ate it up and flirted back.

Shit, was I happy to have that dumb bitch out of my life. If not completely, enough to keep me from having to see her _touched-up_ face every day.

"Edward!"I heard the sociopath purr as he stepped off the elevator platform. He made a beeline for Bella and I. "How's it hangin' buddy?"

_Pfft…buddy. Give me a fucking break. Never in a million years ,you crazy fuck._

He wasn't looking at me; he was more or less eye-fuckingBella. He reached down to adjust himself while running his eyes up and down her body and I put my foot in front of her. It was a subtle but defensive move.

Her eyes wandered up to mine. I could feel them, but I didn't look at her.

There was something about this man's aura that smelled of danger, and I kept my eyes fixed on him, ready and willing to take him out, happily, if given the chance.

"James," I stated, not even cracking a smile.

I didn't like him…he knew it. So, there was no use in pretending.

"Off to see Doctor C?"he asked, musically. His eyes were still on Bella.

"Mm-hmm,"I stated again, willing my eyes to form lasers and burn right through him. "My, uh, _friend_ here is injured," I explained, fucking kicking myself for stuttering on my words.I could feel Bella's eyes still on me. Her gaze warmed the side of my face. "And I'm taking her to have Carlisle double-check it, since I believe it to be broken."

He continued to walk toward us, getting far too close for comfort and since my hand was still fixed to the small of her back, I could feel her muscles tense.

_Yeah, I told you, he's creepy as fuck._

I really wished Bella could read my mind at that moment.

"Hmm…"He smiled wickedly and focused on Bella's face. She glanced at him briefly but returned her stare to me. "And who is this vision of beauty?"

What he did next was the fucking Oscar-winner of all creepy gestures. He sucked in a massive amount of air, rolled his eyes back in his head - which he threw backward - before feasting his eyes back on her and cocking his head to the side.

Like some fucked up serial killer.

"Mmm, you smell delicious. Japanese Cherry Blossom?"

I could feel Bella shudder under my hand, and I took another subtle step forward toward the front of her. I was now glaring at this douchebag. I was about to tell him to get the hell out of here until I heard Bella suck in a breath, and speak in that sexy tone of sarcasm.

"Uh, it's Bella, thanks, and obviously your name is James."She smirked and his smile grew even wider, eating up her tone.

"Well, Bella, it's an absolute _pleasure_ to meet you. Uh, broken hand, huh?"He grinned devilishly as he traced her chest with his eyes, moving them from her face down to her injured hand.

It turned my fucking stomach.

"Looks like we'll be seeing each other again tonight then,"he said as he licked his lips.

"WHAT?"I spat. He shifted his disgusting stare to me and grinned.

"Oh yeah, Edward. Carlisle didn't tell you? I'm the only tech on duty at this hour." His grin was menacing this time, and I wanted to punch him in the throat. He wouldn't shut up.

"So, looks like beautiful Bella here and I are going get to know one another very well."He began to eye-fuck her again.

I opened my mouth to verbally assault this waste of fucking oxygen, but Bella beat me to it, bringing her inner bitch out in full force.

_Ahh, when it was aimed at someone like James, it was music to my ears._

"Ugh!" She blurted as she rolled her eyes. "Are you aware of how ridiculous you sound? You're pretty much making me sick. Maybe you should work on the _creep-factor_ a little more, James. I'd also appreciate it if you would not stare at my fucking tits while you're speaking to me."She seethed, and I'll be damned if this sick-fuck didn't chuckle…_chuckle _at her. He then turned to me.

"My my, Edward, got yourself a feisty one there, huh?"

"Fu—"Bella started, glaring and showing her teeth. It was almost a snarl, and I was completely impressed - as well as turned on. She balled up her fist in her good hand, but I had to cut her off, knowing that she was only fueling the fire that James was getting off on.

I definitely couldn't allow him to be alone with her now in the x-ray room, not after that exchange. I would x-ray her hand my damned self if Carlisle refused.

"That's enough, James. Look, we need to get up there. She's in a lot of pain and we really need to get this looked at,"I said, glaring at him as I gestured toward Bella's injured hand. He chuckled again, responding with a wicked smile.

"Alright, buddy, you take care now." He nodded his head in Bella's direction as he raised his eyebrows and licked his lips. "And watch that one huh? She's a bit of a handful it seems."

_Fucking dickhead._

"James!"I warned, tight-lipped, and felt Bella begin to tremble with rage as she glared at him.

He just threw his head back and laughed before walking away, but stopped abruptly after a few feet and turned back toward us.

"Oh, by the way Edward, you missed Rose tonight. She came by to see Carlisle around ten o'clock with that cute kid of yours."

_What the fuck? Why the hell would Rose need to come see Carlisle…that late…with Kellan? Fucking great, the bitch was up to something._

"She's looking good, as usual,"he said, smirking.

Now, I was pissed.

"Was there a fucking POINT to that, James?" I hissed.

"My goodness, Doctor," he said, eyebrows raised, mocking. "Language, language. I'm pretty sure she was complaining about not having any money for food." He shook his head and furrowed his brow in mock concern. "Poor girl. So I think Doctor C spotted her a couple hundred. I would've done it, but then…that would just make things awkward between us and we certainly wouldn't want that, would we?"

He didn't give me a chance to answer before turning and stalking off.

_Cocky motherfucker. _

That prick was going to find himself alone with me soon, without the safety of the hospital, and I was going to seal that motherfucker's fate.

_Goddamned Rose! I knew she'd pull shit like this, and I was going to have to have a little chat with Carlisle about playing right into her manipulative hand. That would not be happening again._

I was seething and when I heard the elevator ding, I all but tossed Bella onto it. She turned quickly toward me and threw a startled glare in my direction.

"I'm…I'm sorry,"I muttered and shook my head.

"About?"she questioned in that sexy sarcastic tone, eyebrows raised. I sighed.

"The shove just now…him…her…just…just everything." I squeezed my eyes shut before looking at her again, sincerely.

Her eyes were blazing, but this time with something other than anger. We stared at each other until…

_Ding!_

We both jumped, and then looked up at the glowing red five above the elevator door, before looking back at each other, chuckling breathlessly. Luckily, we were in the elevator alone. In the few seconds that we were smoothly climbing to the fifth floor, we were lost in each other, but startled back to reality by the obnoxious sound.

I motioned for Bella to go in front of me and flashed my crooked grin. The cocky motherfucker in me wanted to stare at her perfect ass in those tight jeans, but the gentleman in me tried to refrain, thus waging an internal battle.

She looked down; crimson once again washing over her pale, porcelainface, then looked back up at me through her lashes and pulled her bottom lip in between her teeth. She appeared to try and stifle a shy smile.

_Fuck me._

Involuntarily, I placed my hand on the small of her back again to lead her to Carlisle's office. She looked up at me and quirked her eyebrow, giving me the _cocky much _look. I removed my hand quickly, shrugged my shoulders and smiled apologetically. She then jutted that beautiful plumpbottom lip out in a mock pout and furrowed her brow, looking at my hand and back up at me. I think my mouth literally fell open at that moment.

_Are you fucking kidding me?_

I followed her direction and placed my hand back where it was on her back, feeling the familiar electricity.

I knocked on the door labeled 'Dr. Carlisle Cullen, M.D.' and he responded immediately.

"It's open."

I pushed the door open and guided Bella in, my hand still touching her. Carlisle was writing feverishly on a patient's chart. He picked his pen up from the paper upon hearing us enter, and looked up. He looked at me first, then his glance shifted from my face to my hand, obviously touching Bella in a blatant but subtly affectionate way, and he furrowed his brow for a split second before looking back up at me quickly. I broke his disapproving gaze by looking down at Bella's bruised and swollen hand, letting mine fall to my side. Thankfully, Bella seemed oblivious the whole exchange between Carlisle and I, which lasted all of about five seconds. I was hoping that she truly was…oblivious. I was skeptical, however, because her face was nearly glowing red from the blood that seemed to settle there.

Carlisle was quick to break the ice.

"Well, my goodness."He broke into a welcoming smile and stood up. "Look what the cat dragged in." This caused Bella to smile shyly. "Bella Swan, young lady, how have you been….well other than your purpose for seeing _me_ tonight?"

I honestly didn't think her face could glow any brighter red, but I was wrong as it exploded with color. For a second, I thought she might just pass out on us.

"Uh, h—hi, Doctor Cullen, it's, um, been a long time. How are…how have you been?"She stammered as she shifted from her left foot to her right and back again. It seemed like she was trying to put up a brave front and possibly trying to think of a more suitable story for why she appeared to have a broken hand.

"And it's actually S-Swan um, Black now."I noticed a slight grimace as she said her last name, appearing to try to hide her obvious disgust.

"Oh, my dear Bella, I'm sorry, I guess I just haven't seen you much since you've been _Mrs. Black_ and I had been so used to saying _Swan_, my apologies," Carlisle answered warmly and smiled again. Bella let out a breathy chuckle and nodded her head.

"N—no problem, Doctor Cullen, it's really okay."

"Please,"Carlisle stated sincerely, "call me Carlisle."Bella then plastered a weak smile on her crimson face and spoke in a near whisper.

"Um, okay, thank you, Carlisle."

"So what brings you and…my son,"as he shot me a quick glance, "here tonight – or - well I guess it is morning isn't it. Huh, I get my days and nights mixed up all the time. Crazy life of a doctor, I suppose." He rolled his eyes as he said the last part. "Did you learn the hard way not to try all those crazy new moves on the dance floor?" he said as he chuckled.

Carlisle came through, like I knew he would. He already knew the reason we were here and wasn't happy with it, but he played the 'uninformed doctor' role very well; he played if off like the pro that he was, getting a light-hearted giggle out of Bella.

"Exactly,"she said and rolled her eyes as well. I knew at that point, she had relaxed.

"Tell you what Bella,"Carlisle stated matter-of-factly, "do you think you could sit tight for just a couple of minutes before we get you into x-ray?"

My mooning smile, which had plastered itself to my face when Bella giggled, quickly faded to an irritated frown. My mind was jolted back to James - fucking prick - when Carlisle said 'x-ray.' He continued.

"Is that ok? I just need to have a quick word with Edward outside." He shrugged his shoulders. "Work stuff." His warm smile was break through her guarded walls. Bella really did seem more relaxed and responded in an upbeat tone.

"Oh sure, Carlisle. No problem. I can wait," she said, smiling warmly and flashed a glance at me quickly.

She was killing me with that genuine crinkling of her eyes and broad grin_._

I walked to the hallway, followed by Carlisle and turned to face him.

"What?"I asked dryly. My mouth now in a tight line because I already knewwhat this was about. He just stared at me, again with disapproval.

"Carlisle,"I started, and shook my head in a pleading way as I closed my eyes. He cut me off.

"Edward. What are you _doing_? Do you understand the consequences of your actions tonight? She's

Mar—"

"I _know _that, Carlisle,"I hissed. "I'm not _doing_ anything other than helping out a friend right now," I said as I glared.

"Friend. Oh really?" he fired back. "Edward, what I saw when you walked in behind her…your hand on her back…the look on your face. Son, _that_ was not one of friendship. _That's_ something that was dead and gone a long time ago that _you_ need to leave very well alone." He sighed and shook his head. "Could her husband not bring her in?"

"I'm a grown-_fucking_-man, Carlisle!"I was trying to keep my voice low, so not to alert Bella of the tense exchange happening just outside the door, but I was having a hard time with it. Not knowing who I was more irritated with - Carlisle, for being _right_, or myself for not caring - made it even worse.

"And I'm a medical doctor,"I continued. "So I think I _know_, first of all, when someone needs medical attention and, second of all, when someone _else_ has been drinking a little too much to drive and also when that _someone else_, who _you _say could've driven her, would have ultimately made it ONE HUNDRED TIMES WORSE. Who knows where she might've ended up tonight if that were the case."I sucked in a breath.

Carlisle just stared at me, wide-eyed.

"Yeah,"I nodded to him as if reading his mind. "It was _that_ bad."

"Still, Son…these are things you don't nee…that you don't need to be involve—"he said shaking his head, and I held up my hand to stop him.

"Look, Carlisle, I know what the fuck I'm doing,"I lied. "If you'd have seen…if you'd have been there…I mean, he treats her like…_goddamn_ it!" I sighed and ran my hands through my mess of hair.

"Look, let's just- _ugh_- can you just let me take care of her tonight? She needs someone and if I'm that someone right now, then I'll take it. It's the least I could do after all this time."

He sighed heavily and looked at me with both concern and fear. Fear that I now recognized as a father, watching his son going through hell and possibly about to do something that could ruin him, damage him for the rest of his natural life. But I suddenly didn't feel like I even had a life anymore, without her at least _in_ it.

"Edward, just…you need to be careful here, Son, she's—"

"I _know_. She's _married_,"I barked, "to a Fu—"

Our conversation was abruptly interrupted when the door handle of Carlisle's office squeaked as it turned. The door opened just enough for Bella to stick her beautiful head out of it…her hair in disarray, as if she had been running her hands through it as she stressed, and I prayed she that she hadn't heard what had been said between us.

Carlisle and I both froze.

"Um, Carlisle?"she spoke timidly."I'm so sorry to interrupt your, uh, meeting, but I was just wondering how much longer you two would be, because I, uh, well, my hand is really hurting so…"

"Oh shit, Bella! I'm so sorr—" I'd started to blurt out until Carlisle touched my arm and interrupted me.

"No, Bella, _I'm_ sorry. I wasn't keeping track of time and got into discussing another patient with Edward."He looked at me with intensity, and then focused again on her. "So, we're done here and we'll get you all fixed up,"he said with his famous warm smile. Bella glanced over at me quickly.

"Oh, ok,"in a cheerful tone. She shrugged her shoulders and pulled her head back into the room, shutting the door with a light click.

I turned to Carlisle and spoke through my teeth as I clenched my jaw.

"One more thing. That fucking piece of shit James, is NOT coming with in the same damned vicinity as Bella to take x-rays. So either you do it, or I'll take care of it myself."I glared.

"Relax, Edward. Jane's working tonight, so I'll have her take the x-rays. James is on break for the next hour anyway." Carlisle sighed.

_That lying fucking bastard, _I thought to myself, _always trying to fuck with me. _

I wanted to go hunt him down and fucking chop him right in his larynx, obliterate his voice box so he could no longer spew his toxic waste.

"Well,"I continued, "I'm not a real big fan of hers either, but I guess she's better than that prick!" I exclaimed, and ran my hand through my hair again.

"Good grief, Edward, is there _anyone_ in my office that you can stand?" Carlisle asked sarcastically, and then held his hand up as I opened my mouth to answer him. "You know what, just never mind."

I narrowed my eyes once again and growled, "Oh, yeah, and something else I need to talk to you about…later. So, Rose was here earlier with my son…begging for fucking cash?"I smirked and Carlisle's eyes widened in recognition.

_Mm-hmm, you're busted._

"Edward,"he said in a low tone, "that was for no one else but my grandson." I chuckled, emotionless.

"Carlisle. She's a manipulative, lying, fu—," and I stopped myself, raising my eyebrows at him. "Later Carlisle, but you need realize you're just a player in her game."

He furrowed his brow and nodded, then turned to open his office door.

"Ok, Bella Swan-Black,"he chirped cheerfully and I cringed at the name he had just spoken. "Let's get that hand of yours all fixed up, shall we?"

He shot me a warning glance, as he put his hand on the door knob. I started forward to follow him; I locked my eyes on his and shot him the same warning glance right back. I had learned how to be quite stubborn from the master himself and he knew it. My stubbornness, however, was a bit more explosive than Carlisle's gentle demeanor, and was normally followed by colorful expletives.

Carlisle and I didn't speak while he did the initial examination on Bella's hand in his office. He was following the standard procedure of examining the affected bone of a patient, gently pressing here and turning her hand this way and that. I understood this completely. I saw many a broken bone in my years as a physician, even working with Carlisle in Ortho when I first started, but when I heard Bella squeal in pain, my professionalism flew completely out the window. Something took over me, a protectiveness that I had not expected, and I blew up at Carlisle.

I didn't even know what I was saying, but I couldn't stop yelling at him. Like I said, I knew he wasn't maliciously hurting her, but every time she winced in pain, I wanted to fucking strangle him. Carlisle saw it and I could tell he tried to ignore it, but I tested his patience to the brink. He called me out, and rightly so, because I was acting like a distraught boyfriend, and as much as I didn't want to hear it, I needed a kick in the ass.

Things deteriorated when Carlisle informed me that he was taking Bella to x-ray and I had to stay in the godforsaken waiting room.

_Great! Now he was treating me like the dumbass distraught boyfriend. _

_Fuck! _

I reacted like a toddler, whining and bitching, and Carlisle was taken by surprise with my behavior to say the least. I knew this was not going to be the end of it and Carlisle would have his say, eventually, but again, I couldn't stop the tantrum I was throwing in spite of my knowing better. I surprised even myself by bellowing and screeching; I just knew what a bitch Jane could be, so I had to throw my two cents in about it. I really didn't have a right to do that and I wanted to be ashamed of myself, but I just couldn't be.

I felt like such a fucking moron as I stood there, watching Carlisle walk away with her. I was being so ridiculously melodramatic about this and I knew it, but again, this was in-_fucking_-voluntary.

I just stood there, watching them, running my hands through my hair and praying that Jane wouldn't be an asshole to her. She didn't fucking need it. She needed to be with nice people now, like Carlisle. She needed to be taken care of and if it couldn't be me, it needed to be Carlisle. The people in his office, however, I had very little faith in. I felt, for some reason, that my life was walking away from me and I berated myself for being such a bitch.

_She's just fine, get a fucking grip, for God's sake, it's a broken hand!_ I repeated like a mantra in my head.

Still I found myself continuing to stand there, worry overtaking me. I couldn't hide it anymore, and when Bella briefly turned to look at me, it nearly brought me to my knees. For that split second, time stood still and I decided to let my feelings show, if only through my eyes.

_Fuck it_. _Let her know. Show her how you feel. You've got nothing to fucking lose but the tiny sliver of dignity you've been hanging on to._

So, I decided to let go of the little bit of dignity I had and give it to her. If I was lucky, she might hang on to it and return it to me, but I wasn't holding my breath as usual. As I gazed at her for that moment, I spoke to her in my head, willing her to hear me, knowing that she couldn't, but wishing just the same.

_You'll be ok. Don't let the bitch get to you. God, I—I think…no, I know I still love you so much. I wish you knew. I need you. I want you back. I wish it was possible, Bella. I need you so much. So much. _

And then my voice of reason took over.

_Fuck! I seriously need a straight jacket, and four padded walls._

XXXX

_**Chapter End Notes, *A/N: Once again, collectively, "Awwwwww", poor Edward. Wonder what he's going to doe with his new found revelation? So, do you think he'll keep it to himself. Wonder what Bella would think of it? The answers lie ahead, my friends! More new characters coming up, and Bella's back. Reviews let you have your way with Docward while Bella's getting x-rayed. I know, I'm evil.**_


	17. Chapter 15 Imaginary

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past**

**Chapter 15, "Imaginary" ~ Evanescence**

Bella's POV

_***A/N: Smooches go out to my sexy little Betas as always…You girls are the Yen to my Yang! **_

_**Thank you to all my loyal readers and reviewers…and to those rec'ing me and bringing new readers aboard. I love you so much! **_

_**Ok, so if you get, by the end of the chapter, that Bella pretty much feels like this particular night is completely and utterly fucked up and that she is, in fact, losing her mind, then you'll understand my song choice on this one. **_

_**Check out the banner on my profile as well as other pics I chose to represent! (Anamorphos- you are so damned talented, my dear!)**_

**Song Link, Imaginary: www . youtube . com /watch?v=odatDWByonw**

_**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement is intended. The one and only Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight saga, characters, and my life, LOL! This story is mine, though, so please no copying! **_©2009-2011 WickedCurveBall74/RobsMyEdibleArt, All rights reserved worldwide.

XXXX

"_I linger in the doorway_

_Of alarm clock screaming_

_Monsters calling my name_

_Let me stay_

_Where the wind will whisper to me_

_Where the rain-drops as their falling, tell a story_

_In my field of paper flowers_

_And candy clouds of lullaby (flowers)_

_I lie inside myself for hours_

_And watch my purple sky fly over me (flowers)_

_Don't say I'm out of touch_

_With this rampant chaos-your reality_

_I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge_

_The nightmare I built my own world to escape_

_In my field of paper flowers_

_And candy clouds of lullaby (flowers)_

_I lie inside myself for hours_

_And watch my purple sky fly over me (flowers) _

_Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming_

_Cannot cease for the fear of silent nights_

_Oh, how I long for the deep sleep dreaming_

_The goddess of imaginary light….."_

XXXX

_Good grief! _I didn't really know which was worse. Having the pleasure of meeting _Mr. Creepy Creeperson_ outside the elevator - which made me feel like I needed a steaming hot shower to wash away the filth from the disgusting way he looked at me, or _through_ _my clothes, I should say_ - or, the humiliation of seeing Carlisle for the first time in quite a few years.

Of course, my body would act as Benedict Arnold and turn five different shades of red as soon as I, well, _we_ walked into his office.

I noticed the way he was trying to hide his disapproval for, A: Edward bringing me to the hospital in the first place, and B: Edward having his hand on my back.I supposed if Carlisle had known how that particular hand on my back made me feel, _he_ would probably turn five shades of red.

I felt like I should have a flashing neon sign on my head that said, "_I'm a fucking idiot. I'm married to a man I'm not sure I even want to be with anymore and guess what, I'm pretty sure I'm still in love with YOUR son. AND I wish, with the force of a thousand hurricanes, that I wasn't."_

Of course at the end of the scrolling and flashing neon sign on my head, it would have to also say, "_I'm fucking pathetic because I don't feel good enough for him!"_

Even though he'd hurt me so, _so_ badly all those years ago, I was just as loathsome of a creature, if not more, because I had hurt him too_. _

He didn't know it, but I had. Worse than he could have imagined to have done to me, and there was nothing I could do about it now.

I prayed to God every day and night that sleeping dogs could be left to lie because if they were ever awakened, and Edward learned the truth…I was fairly certain that the actual gates of _hell _would fall right on my head.

It nearly made me sick to my stomach, this train of thought I had allowed my brain to travel to, and so I tried to force it elsewhere. I tried to make sense of the elevator ride. What he said to me threw me, and I was utterly confused.

He was sorry…for…everything?

What did that even mean?

I could understand if he felt sorry _for_ me, taking into account my pathetic excuse for a marriage. For example, the fact that our facade had been put out in the open, exposed for all to see at the club earlier in the night. There was no more hiding that we were an unhappy couple, that we were married for the wrong reasons.

I'd lied to myself. Gotten myself to believe that the decisions I'd made were the right ones. I didn't know if they still were, but I knew that they seemed to be at the time.

Everyone was on _Team Bella_ during the time after Edward and I broke up. Everyone that loved me hated him, and any decision that separated me from him was supported by…most. Jacob became my best friend, aside from Angela, who was busy with wedding plans with Tyler, and he just fit with the time, he _was_ the best choice for me. I remember Charlie telling me that I needed to learn to love what was good for me.

And he was.

Jacob was good to me and for me, and things were great, not perfect, but really good…for a while. Now though, _now_ it was all falling to shit. He was gradually acting worse and worse and, just the same, I was gradually no longer giving a shit. After this fantastic-_fucking_ night, who knew where we would end up_?_

So I continued to rack my brain with why the hell Edward would be sorry for running into someone that obviously was not going to be avoided. I mean, _shit, _he even apologized before I was subjected to the _gutter rat_, so he had no reason to be sorry for that. Oh, but I was reminded of something that James guy had said, about getting to know me better later, since he was the only x-ray tech working.

_Ugh, I felt bile rising in my throat and swallowed it back down._

At least Edward hadn't seemed too thrilled about that whole scenario either, so maybe he could do something about it…hopefully. If that man so much as touched me, I would freak the hell out, and probably end up breaking my _other_ hand…like an idiot.

It wasn't like he was repulsive to look at really, physically. As a matter of fact, I would probably have put him in the decent-looking category, but there was just something about him. He had this sort of evil, demented, malevolent darkness to him, an immorality that was down right spine-chilling.

No, I definitely did not want that motherfucker touching me. Not ever.

_Was there nothing pleasant to think about in my godforsaken head?_

I remembered a tidbit of conversation, actually more of an exchange, regarding Rosalie. I was so busy seething and wishing for a piano or something to fall out of nowhere and land on _Creeperson's _head that I wasn't paying attention too closely.

There was something said about her…and Carlisle…and asking for money, and…

_Why? Why would she be asking Carlisle…what…the_.

Then, I remembered the look on Edward's face. Fury. Animosity. Resentment. It was obvious, but why wouldn't he have just told me at the bar that they had split?

And I rolled my eyes at myself.

_Because it's pretty much none of your fucking business._

I doubted that we could even have been called _friends_, so there would've been no reason to tell me something so personal.

I understood.

I understood the epic humiliation of showing weaknesses in front of the one person that you would rather face an army of hell hounds than allow them see you in that way.

I was pretty much there. _Now._

I made a mental note to subtly bring it up in a round-a-bout way, just to see if he would spill it.

I was relieved but skeptical when Carlisle asked about the reason behind my injury. The fictitious scenario of me possibly falling down while trying to dance - which I normally did not do - almost made perfect sense because it was absolutely something that would have happened to me.

_The uncoordinated, such as myself, should never step even their left pinkie toe on any dance floor. __Ever._

This fabrication sounded so good that I willed it to be true, but when Carlisle excused himself and Edward to "talk"in the hallway…I knew what it was about…me.

The tension could've been cut with a dull knife. It was obvious. If nothing else, Edward's clenched jaw and glare in Carlisle's general direction made it obvious.

I went along with it, though. Carlisle made it hard not to. His general warm-hearted personality was hard not to embrace. It made me feel comfortable and sad at the same time, wishing we had been able to establish a more concrete relationship so many years ago, and wishing I had the same kind of relationship with my own father-in-law.

Since Sue's death, Billy had been distant with me. Well, he had been distant with me to begin with, and I chalked it up to be just the way he was. He was always been open, talkative and interested in his son and grand children's activities, but not necessarily with me or with mine. He was cordial…and he cared for me, I supposed, but I believed he felt I was _too big for my britches _so to speak. I was sure I stood my ground and voiced my opinion a little too much for his taste and therefore, he avoided a lot of topics of conversation with me.

My mind was all over the place as Carlisle and Edward were having their little meeting in the hallway. I was trying to avert my attention from the increasing throb of pain that continued to resonate through my hand and up my arm.

It seemed as though the night would never end and I was torn between wanting it to last forever, and wanting to just go home and forget it ever happened.

_Hopefully they'll give me some strong fucking pain-killers so I can do just that…forget, before I had to go and pick up the kids from Charlie's tomorrow. _

I knew it was just going to be never ending fucking merriment trying to deal with five-year-old twins _and_ a broken hand.

_Fucking Jacob! _

If he would have controlled the stupid irrational bullshit jealousy of his, I would've been home, sleeping soundly, pain-free - physically at least - right about now.

Eventually, the pain won the battle with my will, and I couldn't bear it any longer. Besides, I'd heard Edward raise his voice a few times, and the curiosity was eating at me.

The selfishness in me couldn't help but think that it had something to do with me, with Edward, and the fucked up situation we seemed to be in, but I tried to convince myself that it was more about Rose. Maybe that was it. Or, _God_, I hoped they weren't arguing about who was taking my x-rays. I hoped that Edward would put his foot down strong on that one.

I cringed again, just thinking about it. Thinking of that creepy _mofo_ coming near me made my skin crawl.

So, I opened the office door and peeked out, hoping I wasn't being more of a burden by interrupting them than I already was.

They both immediately stopped talking and froze.

_Oh yes, definitely had something to do with me. _

I panicked immediately.

I could feel the heat flash across my face once again, and I could barely get my voice to work. When it finally did, it came out nothing short of whiney and squeaky, like a fucking scared little mouse.

Nice._ Dignity all but gone._

"Um, Carlisle," I squeaked. "I'm so sorry to interrupt your, um, meeting…" And oh was I ever. "But I was just wondering how long you were going to be, because…" The squeaky, frightened little girl continued - whose voice I didn't even really recognize, explaining how her/_my_ hand basically hurt like _hell_.

Spunky Bella was gone again, because I was at the mercy of unrelenting pain and the Doctor that seemed to want to confront Edward rather than just get this shit over with and give me something useful, like drugs, so I could sleep. It seemed to me that Carlisle would rather teach a lesson in morality to his son, rather than just let me get the fuck out of here so I could move on with my life. At this point, I had it with the night, my hand, these people, and my thoughts - especially the ones involving Edward - and I just wanted to be with my kids. I felt important when I was a 'Mommy,' and that was about it.

I thought Edward was going to trip over himself apologizing, I had no idea why, and then Carlisle took the blame.

_Another patient my ass_.

I wasn't sure if he was aware that I was the mother of…twins. Twins who tag-teamed me every chance they got. One sending the other in to do the _set up_, and the other coming in to _close the deal_ so-to-speak.

_Oh no, insane, clumsy, accident-prone I may be, but gullible is one thing I definitely am not._

Once again, I played along and finally, my hand was actually being examined. Carlisle looked it over first, gently turning it this way and that. I, essentially, was holding my breath most of the time, trying not to let the traitorous tears escape. I was trying to suck up the pain like a big girl, when what I really wanted to do was bawl like an infant.

It was mostly my fault after all, and as much as I wanted to continue to blame Jake for this, I didn't necessarily _have_ to slap him. In fact, I should have fucking known better. Slapping that man was like slamming the palm of my hand into a wall of bricks with all of my strength and expecting _them_ to give way as opposed to my flesh and bone.

Carlisle proceeded to turn my hand over to examine my palm. Even as gentle as he was being, it sent a sharp, stinging pain which shot straight up my arm and around my elbow…sending fire up the remainder of my arm to my shoulder.

"OW!"I squealed and could no longer hold the tears that spilled over my lids, crashing on my cheeks for the umpteenth time. I had actually forgotten how many times over the night they made an unwelcome appearance.

"Jesus Carlisle, SHIT!"Edward barked. "Could you usea little finesse?She's not a fucking line-backer, look at her!"

His brow was furrowed and he was running his hands through his chaotic bronze locks, nostrils flared. The only thing could manage to do was stare up at him, wide-eyed, through my watery eyes.

Carlisle seemed almost as shocked as I was, and it took him a minute to, what seemed like, collect his thoughts. Then he spoke softly but firmly to Edward.

"Edward, enough Son." He sighed and looked back at me apologetically as he said softly, "I'm sorry honey, I know that hurts and it's telling me, whether you believe it or not, _exactly_ what I need to know."

I forced a weak smile and nodded my head just as Edward piped up again.

"Oh, what? NOW you're a human x-ray machine, Carlisle? Give me a break! You don't even need to touch—" but he was interrupted by Carlisle.

"Excuse me, Edward,but are you _not _a medical doctor,do you _not_ understand what I'm doing?"

Edward glared and I couldn't help but feel that this was some sort of roll-over aggravation from the hallway conversation.

"Edward, I'm going to show Bella here to X-ray. I need _you _to wait down the hall," Carlisle continued.

Edward snapped his head in Carlisle's direction and huffed loudly.

"You must be fucking crazy!"He crossed his arms across his chest and jutted his chin out like my five-year-old would do. "No way!"he continued, shaking his head, still glaring. "Uh-uh, NOT going to happen!"Carlisle just smiled warmly.

"Now, Edward, you know that Jane will take good care of her in X-ray and I'll let you know as soon as we're done. Then you can get her _home_ and she can get some much needed rest," he cooed and threw me a fatherly wink.

Edward lowered his head in defeat; his brow was still furrowed.

He lifted his head with a discontented look and said, "_Fine, _Carlisle, but you _better _make sure she's taken care of…" He sucked in a breath, as if what he had allowed to roll off his tongue shocked even himself a little.

I couldn't even look at him, but I stole a glance at Carlisle before I began nervously fiddling with a loose string on my shirt. He quirked an eyebrow at Edward, and spoke volumes through his look rather than his words.

"No problem, Son," he retorted, motioning for me to accompany him down the hallway to the x-ray room.

I didn't even dare look at Edward and I certainly didn't look at Carlisle.

_Jesus Christ, he probably already thought that we were fucking or something, Edward and I._

Speaking of the devil, Edward's voice suddenly broke into my thoughts…thankfully, because Lord knew I did not need to be taking my mind in that direction again. He called after us in a huff.

"You could _at least _make sure that Jane is nice to her. She doesn't need to meet anymore ASSHOLES tonight!"

Carlisle pretended he didn't even hear him, his eyes straight ahead, and his gait stoic and steady.

I on the other hand nearly stumbled, catching myself before it was noticeable and turned my head to peek back at him. He was staring at us- at me. His eyes full of need and concern and worry. He looked, not like a doctor that roams these halls on a daily basis, but like a lost little boy. He just stood there, and ran both of his hands through his hair, resting them on the top of his head, brow furrowed again; it was as if he was watching someone he loved being wheeled off to some major life or death surgery.

_Someone he loved._

I really was losing my mind.

XXXX

Finally we made it to X-ray, after what seemed like a mile walk.

I can't even begin to describe my feelings for Jane.

_Total and complete bitch?_

That was pretty lame because this one…_oh_, this one deserved a special expletive made up just for her.

I couldn't even necessarily call her an evil bitch, although I was fairly certain at that point, that both she and James were _Satan's _minions, because she was so sweet about the fucking torture she put me through. She wasn't even intimidating when I met her, though. She was a little bitty thing, shorter than me and skinny as a rail. Sweetest looking face I had ever seen, and a smile that was infectious.

Actually, _deceiving _was more like it.

When we got into the x-ray room, aside from the fact that she was trying to contort my fucking hand into positions that were unnatural for any normal human being, let alone someone with a damned broken bone, she would then ask me to hold that position for God only knows how many seconds. _Christ,_ it felt like hours.

Of course, after seeing the look of anguish on my face- which I tried to hide- she would naturally find something wrong with the image and say, "Oops, it didn't take, let's do that again." Every fucking time, she'd say it with this shit-eating-grin before proceeding to smash my hand this way and that on the fucking slate. Every time I would wince, she would follow up with a weak, "Sorry," and smirk.

_Whore._

Oh, I was definitely being punished for the idiocy of slapping my asshole husband. Lesson fucking learned.

I recalled what she said before she even began my inevitable torture.

"This might hurt a little." Andof course she said it with a devious smile.

_Oh really?_

_You think it might hurt, Bitch?_

By the time she was through with me, I felt like I had been traumatized, violated, and I was fairly certain that I had more than enough images and feelings to concoct quite a terrifying nightmare, if I ever actually made it to my bed to get some sleep before sunrise.

I was feeling as if my hand - and my sanity for that matter - would've been better off if I had just gone the hell home and put some damned ice on it like I wanted to do in the first place. Of course, then I wouldn't have had alone time with Edward, but that was something I should have never wanted or even thought about.

The night had come to seem like nothing more than a bizarre, twisted dream, and I was sure something I would never, _ever_ hear the end of, from several people, not just Jake. I'm sure some would be excited and curious, some would be wary and cautious and, of course there were others who would more than likely completely ignore Jacob's behavior and express shock and disappointment that I had allowed such events to take place.

Hell, I didn't even know which of those categories I, _myself _fell into.

What I did know, at that point, was that I just wanted to get home, and I prayed that Jake was already sound asleep, because I was in no mood to discuss or analyze either or our behaviors tonight.

Of course Carlisle came out, stating the obvious regarding the results of the _torture_, that I so lovingly had come to call it.

"It's a clean break, see here," he stated, pointing to the bone directly beneath my middle finger.

"Um, yeah," I responded weakly as I moved my left hand up and lightly traced the broken edge of my bone on the skeletal picture in front of me. I let out a sigh.

_How fucking perfect. _

_No work for me for a while. _

My mind drifted to the impossible tasks of using a highly expensive and rather heavy camera, as well as trying to write, or type for that matter.

_Nope. Definitely not going to happen and this was definitely not a good thing. _

I had to come to the realization that my photography and my column for the paper were just going to have to be put on hold for a little while, but hopefully not too long.

"It's…it's kind of creepy," I blurted out, interrupting my own thoughts, "seeing my bones like that, you know, broken in half, I guess." I shrugged and sleepily looked at Carlisle.

"Well," he chuckled, "it happens quite often. Our bones aren't indestructible. As a matter of fact, my dear, you're going to need to use that hand as little as possible for the next six weeks or you could possibly have some permanent damage."

"Permanent damage?" I questioned, only focusing on the latter part of his statement.

"Yes, permanent damage." He paused before continuing. "As in the bone will heal crooked and you may not be able to use the hand the same way as you did before." He gave me a pointed _doctor_ glance as he said this, but he kept talking. "The cast will help with constricting the movement, but I know how busy mom's can be, so I _need _you to have some discipline, here, Bella, okay? Maybe you can get some help from your sister, or friends. Maybe make that husband of yours do some work around the house. You're going to have to put your foot down on this, I'm serious_. _Bella?"

I was just staring at him, blankly, trying to get my mind to catch up to all the information coming out of his mouth and wrap my head around the fact that I was pretty much going to be out of commission for six fucking weeks. Once I grasped all that he had said, I guess I sort of freaked.

"WHAT?"I gasped, "Six-WEEKS! Carlisle, are you serious? I have work! I have five-year-old TWINS. Oh shit!" I covered my mouth with my left hand, not necessarily meaning to let the expletive fly out like that in front of Carlisle. I had a lot of respect for him; he was a very kind, gentle man, and I didn't really feel like we were on that level, he and I. So I felt like an asshole, letting my potty mouth go on him, but my brain kept repeating his words.

'Help from your sister'_…Oh God, that's a scary one, Aunt Fashion Designer would have them dressed in God only knows what, and tooling them around town showing them off to all her fucking weird gay-fashion designer boyfriends._ Not that I had a problem with gay fashion designers, but _her_ fucking friends were weird. Thank God my kids wore a specific uniform to their private school.

'Make that husband of yours do some work around the house'_…Jesus Christ, that's an even worse thought than Alice turning my kids into fashion-istas. Fuck! He would laugh my ass into next week, if I asked him to actually do house work. _Ang would probably have helped, but she was totally busy with wedding plans for her and Ben. Not to mention the fact that she had just found out she was pregnant with her first baby and going insane with all the baby books and shopping…and going on and on about how she was 'so fucking glad she'd never had kids with Tyler' etc, etc.

_That's it, I'm going to have to hire a housekeeper and a cook. Goddamn it!_

I heard Carlisle bellow with laughter, and I looked up at him confused.

"Well," he said after he managed to get his amusement under control. "Now, _that _might not be such a bad idea. We men, you know, we're just not the best in the way of housekeeping," he continued, grinning from ear to ear.

_Oh God._

_I guess I hadn't realized that I'd said that out loud. Perfect._

"Oh, Carlisle, I'm sorry,"I said, the heat flashing in my cheeks and ears. "I didn't mean to…I didn't realize I'd said that out loud." My mortification was now painfully obvious.

"Oh please." He swiped his hand in my direction. "Don't you worry. I'm sure my wife would say that very same thing." He laughed heartily, which caused me to break into a genuine smile. "Matter of fact," he mused, "Esme makes a mean Lasagna Florentine. How about if I have her whip some up for you and your family tomorrow ni—well, I guess tonight?"

I was shocked and with wide eyes, I stammered, "Oh…oh, no. Carlisle please, that's definitely not necessary. We—we'll figure something out. I would hate to put Esme out like tha—"

"Nonsense," he interrupted in an authoritative tone. "I'm sure she would love to, and even better yet, she would love to bring it by and see you and the kids…Jake…it's been so long. What time do you eat dinner?"

His eyebrows were raised in an almost giddy, child-like manner and I although still wanted to vehemently refuse his offer because…_how much more __fucking embarrassment did I possibly have to endure_…I simply couldn't. So instead I let out a sigh and responded weakly.

"Uh, six-thirty, I guess? But…Carlisle, it's _really,_ it's not—"

"No, no," he interrupted again. "Doctors orders, Okay?"

I smiled sheepishly, nodding my head.

The night had officially become an episode of "The Twilight-Zone," unequivocally, but I would swallow my pride once again.

Carlisle then happily ushered me off to his ridiculously beautiful nurse, Irina. Irina was also apparently into torture, but thankfully she was much more genuinely apologetic than that little bitch Jane,as she proceeded to cast my now useless right hand. As sweet as she was though - and compared to Jane, this chick was a fucking _saint_ - I wanted to jam spikes in my eyeballs from all her chatter.

In my opinion, this girl was way too hyper for nearly 3am…blabbing on and on about where she was from, Alaska apparently. This elicited a subtle snort from me at the irony of my wish, at one point, that Edward had moved to that very state.

_Classic_.

She kept talking about how beautiful the country was up there and so on and so forth. I would put in the appropriate _mm-hm's _and_ oh wow's, _but I was so fucking tired, I was definitely paying less than full attention to her.

"Okay, sweetie, you're all done," the hyper-active beauty chirped.

_Christ, have another Red Bull, why don't you, _I snorted to myself as she skipped off to get Carlisle.

He finally wrote me a prescription for pain meds, thank the good Lord,and explained where the hospital pharmacy was. My prayers were answered yet again when he told me that it was open twenty-four hours, and then he went over the after care procedures, what to do and what not to do. Lastly, he made me promise to see him in two weeks for a follow-up, and then walked me to the waiting area where Edward was probably sound asleep from the boredom of waiting for what felt to me like forever.

XXXX

I could see him from a distance as we approached.

He was leaning over, elbows on his knees. His hair was a more of a sexy mess than usual, as it appeared he had been running his hands through it nonstop. His head was down, hands resting on the back of it and his fingers completely invisible, enveloped by his crazy bronze locks.

He snapped his head up when he heard Carlisle and I chuckling as we came closer to him, his eyes wild with…worry?

_I just didn't get it._

In two seconds flat, he was on his feet and marching toward us.

"Bella,"he said on his breath, and darted his eyes from my visibly fatigued but pleasant face to the thick cast covering my hand. The latter of which would now be my new accessory for the next six weeks.

_Joy._

"Oh, it _was_ broken, for sure?" he muttered. His voice curved up in question, and he looked to Carlisle, who simply nodded his head.

"Are you…" He looked back down at me, brow once again furrowed, "You okay? Do you need anything?" He tried a smile, but it didn't reach his eyes, so I knew he was pretending for me.

_Again, fucking bizarre, but I was beginning to realize that all his worry was probably a product of his visible fatigue as well._

I simply held up the prescription to him and he studied it. He mouthed the word "oh" and cracked his famous crooked grin. After indicating that I desperately needed the prescription, I stated matter-of-factly, "and my bed."

Apparently, Edward's mind was not that far off than mine when it came to double-meanings and although I really didn't mean it that way, his eyes widened slightly before he caught himself and settled for a sexy smirk.

The heat pooled in my cheeks yet again as well as the other area that always seemed to react in the presence of Edward _fucking_ Cullen, and I struggled to control myself quickly before I turned to Carlisle. I proceeded to thank him way too many times, and threw my left arm around his neck for a quick hug. He reiterated the dinner plans he so generously had made for Esme, which I was sure she was just going to be _thrilled_ about, causing Edward to quirk an eyebrow at me.

I ignored it.

Carlisle, of course, told Edward to be careful in his warm, fatherly tone and Edward gave his Dad a brief but tight hug. Afterward they had some weird silent exchange, which I didn't even want to begin to try and figure out, and finally we headed toward the elevators…toward the pharmacy…and the salvation to my pain.

When I started my evening earlier, I had no idea that the one place I would long to be, other than in the presence of Edward, was the hospital pharmacy…to fill the prescription that would be my ticket to sleep as well as my ticket, if only for a few hours, to forget.

In more ways than one.

XXXX

_**Chapter End Notes: Mm-hmm, sexual tension is still quite evident here, people. Can't wait to hear your thoughts. What did ya think of Jane? Irina? LOL! How do you think the car ride home is going to go? Well, stick around and hopefully I won't disappoint…hopefully. Reviewers get to be ridden…I mean…driven home by Docward. ;-P**_


	18. Chapter 16 Serenity

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past**

**Chapter 16, "Serenity" ~ Fireflight**

Bella's POV continued

***A/N: Thanks to my wonderful readers and reviewers! My betas rock my effing WORLD! You Rock stars know who you are…mwuah! I love ya! **

**Alright, bear with me on this one, guys. Lots of angst…lots of touchy-feely bullshit. Get over it! You'll like the next chapter, mkay? Actually…I hope you like this one too! Oh and btw, review, and I'll send **_**Docward **_**over for a house-call! **

**Check out the awesome banner link (thanks to the talented anamorphos) on my profile.**

**Song Link, Serenity: www (.) youtube (.) com/watch?v=S9Co6ZfVBXc**

_**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and the characters, unfortunately I don't…oh, how I wish I did. Actually, I'd settle for just owning Edward. Wonder if Steph could make that possible? Yeah right! Me and about a billion other women! Ugh.**_

XXXX

"_The light behind your eyes_

_Tells me that you've cried sometime tonight_

_I offer down my hand_

_But without your plans_

_You cannot hide_

_The white snow falls (I cannot see)_

_On my black heart (in front of me)_

_Say it to me in a way that I can understand_

_I hear you call (loud and clear)_

_It melts my heart (take my fear)_

_Show me how to see the love_

_That brings Serenity_

_I'm pouring out my love_

_Not big enough_

_You try to do it all_

_It's time for you to fall_

_You've done enough_

_The white snow falls (I cannot see)_

_On my black heart (in front of me)_

_Say it to me in a way that I can understand_

_I hear you call (loud and clear)_

_It melts my heart (take my fear)_

_Show me how to see the love_

_That brings serenity…"_

XXXX

Thank God we didn't run into James again after we hit the pharmacy and got my pills; we escaped from the hospital to Edward's car, and headed toward my house without any interruptions.

We were both quiet as Edward drove. His hands were gripped tightly on the steering wheel as he stared straight ahead. I tried not to look over at him. I felt awkward and burdensome enough.

It _was _quiet, that is, until I opened my big fat mouth and stated, as comically as I could make it sound, "So, Jane's quite the little narcissistic bitch, huh?"

I let out a chuckle at my description of her, then gasped and snapped my head up in reaction to Edward slamming his hand hard on the steering wheel.

"Fucking son-of-a-bitch!"he growled. "That little…I TOLD him to tell HER to be nice! What did she do? Are you okay?" he huffed as his eyes roamed over me, stopping at my cast and quickly back up to meet my wide-eyed stare of shock.

He shook his head and looked away, jaw clenched.

"Whoa, Edward, chill! _Jesus_, she just did her job. In a torturous way, yes, but she did her job just the same. What is your deal?" I asked, breathlessly.

He let out a heavy sigh and spoke as he continued to stare out of the windshield.

"I…"He sighed again."I just hate that you've had to deal with all this shit tonight; I'm so sorry."

My mouth fell open and the look on my face was, again, one of complete and utter astonishment.

"Edward, are you kidding me? Stop it, please. Do I need to remind you that I pretty much did this shit…" I held up my ridiculous cast. "…to myself?I shouldn't, because you were there. You _saw _what happened."

"Yes I saw, and that motherfu…" He sighed yet again and ran his sexy long fingers through the chaos on his head."He deserved it," he seethed through his teeth.

"Edward, please," I begged, and was suddenly reminded of my erotic dream with that plea. I fucking blushed again before pulling myself together. I was still utterly confused by his behavior. "Relax,Jake was a total _ass, _yes, but I didn't _have_ to hit him, Edward. I didn't. That'_s_ on me. Now, can we please drop this? I'm sorryI brought up Jane and got you all upset. I'm sorry I got you in the middle of this mess tonight, I'm—"

"No,"he spoke matter-of-factly, cutting me off. "You are _not _to be sorry, understood?" He looked over at me.

His stare was smoldering.

My breath caught in my I could do was nod my head and stare back at him, caught in his gaze.

"You deserve better…better than _him_,"he whispered as he looked away.

I couldn't speak. I just kept staring at him and, as he turned his head, my eyes trained on his jaw, and I watched his muscle flex. I struggled to keep my lips from parting.

XXXX

I hadn't realized we were already at my house - _because Edward drives so fucking fast _- just on the outskirts of Chicago. He turned onto our long driveway, almost hidden by the trees lining it. The house wasn't visible; all that could be seen from the end of the driveway was just the tip of the roof. The trees that all but covered our enormous front yard kept it hidden until about halfway up the driveway.

Our house was a two-story, mostly brick, new, but old-looking, colonial-style home that we had built about two years ago. I suppose it would be big to any normal person's standards, but definitely more modest than some in our neighborhood. We paid the high price for the land though, because Jake couldn't fathom the idea of living in the loved the country feel with all the trees and the three-acre lots of this secluded area.

I'd been indifferent about living wherever. Growing up in the suburbs, I was willing to try the city-life, but could just as well continue to live in the suburbs or country setting. It didn't really matter to me. Now that we had been here though, I had to admit I was never more grateful for the privacy.

My heart sank a little as we pulled into the driveway, because it was over.

_My ridiculous fantasy was coming to an end._

I was referring to the fantasy involving the fact that I was alone with Edward and knew that I'd never be able to justify being alone with him again without sneaking around. Then, what would I do? Aside from carrying on some superficial conversation about God-knows-what, all the while entertaining obscene thoughts and trying to control the urge to do what I wanted to do to him…and with him. _And_ if I _did _act on my impulses - assuming that Edward would be willing, which is ridiculous in and of itself - afterward, knowing I'd have to then face the consequences of destroying my family.

Of course, my _perfect_ husband would spread it around like wildfire. He would make damned sure that everyone who knew us, and even those who didn't, understood completely that his wife was, in fact, a cheating whore.

"Kill the lights, Edward," I half-whispered, shaking my head to pull myself out of my stupor.

He looked at me with a quirked eyebrow and a bewildered stare, so I elaborated.

"I'd rather not wake him up. I'm definitely not in the mood to put myself in between you two tonight, and he'll have nothing short of confrontation on his mind if he's awakened by _you_ bringing _me _home at this hour, rational or not," I mumbled.

He nodded his head silently in agreement and turned the knob for his headlights to the off position. His car continued creeping, slower than usual it seemed, up my driveway when curiosity got the best of me, and I just had to ask. Cautiously, of course, I questioned him.

"So, what was _that_ about, um, earlier tonight, about Rose going to Carlisle for money?"

His face hardened and he pressed the brakes, bringing the car slowly to a complete stop.

Because we were barely moving in the first place, I hardly lurched forward when he stopped the car. Still, it startled me, and I was immediately afraid I had crossed the line. I knew I had no business asking him about his personal life.

_Why the fuck would he even think about entertaining me with his own dysfunctional baggage. After all, I hadn't necessarily offered mine up to him, it just happened to play out right in front of, well, everyone._

"I'm sorry, Edward. Please just ignore me," I said, looking at my lap. "It's really none of my business."

I heard him shift in his seat, but didn't look up. I didn't think I could face his angry glare.

I wasn't prepared for the electricity I felt when his finger and thumb came in contact with my chin, lifting my head up for our eyes to meet. I took in a breath and held it as I slowly raised my eyes. I looked at his chin first, the slight stubble calling to me, and my mouth began to water. I traced his jaw with my eyes up to his lips. His mouth was slightly open, and a strange expression played at the corners of it. I continued my gaze up to his nose, up to his beautiful eyebrows, continuing to take in the disheveled mess atop his head, and finally dropped my eyes back down. I settled them on the liquid emeralds that stared back at me.

I let out the breath that I was holding sharply and sucked in another one at the sight of his eyes.

Green fire.

They began to burn into me.

I felt the warmth spread all over my stunned body.

If we'd been animals in the wild, and I was to have been his prey, I'd be utterly helpless…unable to move a single muscle.

"Bella,"he breathed, in an almost whisper.

I just continued to stare, mesmerized…dazzled by the intensity in his eyes and his voice.

He hadn't broken the physical contact his thumb and forefinger had on my chin, as he continued to breathe out his words.

"Bella, I—I just wanted to tell you how brave I think you are for going through all of this tonight."

"Brave, Edward? No." I shook my head slightly. He kept his hand where it was. "I wouldn't say _that_.I did this to myself, remember?"I spoke in a tone as low as his. I could hardly get my voice to comply with the orders from my brain.

"But youare, Bella. You're so tough, it…it's one of the things I fucking_ love _about you."

He tore his eyes from mine, looking toward his bent knee, which was now resting between the gear-shift and the console since he'd turned his body toward mine.

"So much,"he whispered. It was barely audible but I heard it and exhaled sharply once again. I was trying to wrap my head around the words _love_ and _so much_, the latter of which he'd said in such a way that I could feel my heart begin to bleed, as if the proverbial knife had sliced it open once again.

"I—I don't understand. Where are you going with this, Edward?" I questioned, completely confused by what seemed to be some sort of hidden message, by both his body language and the words he was trying to convey.

He breathed out a pleasing but humorless chuckle and looked back up at me, the fire still raging.

"I don't really know _where_ I'm going with this."His eyes crinkled with his soft, musical laughter. But the corners of his mouth that had been curled up, quickly fell as he said, "I just…had to tell you. I have to tell you before you go back inside…" His teeth clenched. "To _him_."

I raised my eyebrows, once againin shock.

"_Have _to tell me? Have to tell me what? Edward, 're killing me here, confusing the hell out of me," I said softly as I shook my head.

"Tell you that I…" and he darted his eyes to his knee again, this time licking his lips.

My breath hitched as I watched his tongue dart across his top lip, then his bottom lip, and he looked back up at me quickly.

"That I miss—, I nee—, I had time to thi—" He stopped himself, inhaling and exhaling sharply, then rolling his eyes at his own ramblings. "I don't even know how to just fucking _say_ it…out loud."He half-grinned apologetically.

I just continued running my eyes all around his face, my confusion still evident, as he tried again.

"Um, it was nice to spend a little time with you tonight, Bella. I…I guess I've missed that, you know?" He chuckled again humorlessly to himself and his eyes became dark. His brow furrowed as he whispered, "You. I—I've missed you."

_Oh shit. What?_

I closed my eyes tightly, realizing that this very well could be a figment of my fucked up brain, and that I'd probably fallen asleep again, soon to wake up to Edward looking at me like I'd lost my fucking mind again_._

"Wake up…wake up…"I repeated to myself quietly, and squeezed my eyes shut.

I felt his fingers move from my chin, but then felt the palm of his hand rest against the side of my cheek and jaw. His lightly tangled his fingers in my hair, and began to sweep his thumb back and forth across my cheek. Then I heard his soft musical laughter again as he whispered.

"Bella."

I kept my eyes tightly closed and repeated to myself once again, "Wake up…Wake up…"

"Bella!"he spoke a little louder and my eyes flew open, meeting his smoldering gaze_._

We were in the same position as before I closed my eyes, and his crooked grin was now making another appearance as he snickered.

"I'm pretty fucking sure that I happen to be wide awake, and if that's the case, that would mean _you_ would have to be as well." He chortled again. He swept his thumb across my cheek as he lifted my head slightly with his palm, which was still fused to my jaw.

"Well, shit,"I breathed, crimson and heat washing over my face. "I guess I'm awake then, and embarrassed as hell,"I said as I tried to pull my head back from him in order to hide my obvious blushing face.

"Bella, please stop."His voice was now serious as he tightened his grip slightly to keep me from moving away from him. "You have no reason to be embarrassed and absolutely no business thinking you'd have to be dreaming for me to say those things to you_."_

As he said this, he pulled my face closer to his. I could feel his breath on my face and the slight tremble that began in his hand.

"What?"My voice was now reduced to near noiseless breaths, "I—I don't understand. Why would you…miss…me? You have Rose. She…she's gorgeous, Edward."

This time, he squeezed his eyes shutand clenched his jaw tightly before he inhaled, then opened them again. Liquid fire poured out of them as he breathed.

"She and I, we…we're nothing. We've never been anything. She's a superficial bitch, Bella. But you already know that. She wanted nothing but my money; she only came after me because she knew I would be a doctor. Her fucking meal ticket, see? The only good thing she's ever given me is my son, Kellan." He took a shaky breath, whispering. "The only thing good in my life." He inched a little closer, "She moved out. I asked her to, uh, a couple of months ago." He paused, searching it seemed, for something in my eyes.

My reaction was subtle, but he must have been searching for just that, the flash in my eyes, the slight intake of my breath because the sides of his mouth curled slightly into a very small grin. I, however, furrowed my brow.

"Oh, Edward, I'm sorry! That's…that's…um…a…good…thing…I…guess?" I mumbled as I watched his grinning lips, "But what about Kellan? You must be torn up not seeing him every day. It must be…geez. I couldn't imagine." And I instinctively reached my good hand up and placed it on his, the same one cradling my face. I rubbed it softly, then slid my hand down to his forearm and kept it there.

I heard his breath catch; his eyes watched my hand touch his and he swallowed tightly, closed his eyes again, and then looked at me.

"Well, she's happy, because I bought her a fucking brownstone in the city, close to her bullshit shopping stores. _And_ I pay her child support as well. I mean, _fuck_, she's so busy spending the fucking money I give her that Kellan gets in the way of that."

His eyes darkened again, this time with fury.

"So more often than not, my son lives with _me_. See, there's no good fucking reason that she would have gone to Carlisle for money! Other than the fact that she had _pissed_ away the child support of four-fucking-thousand dollars a month I'd given her and her salary at BCBG. Who knows what the fuck _that_ is! I'm sure she was probably buying clothes and other bullshit, _and/or_ more shit to make her plastic ass more beautiful!"

He half pulled away from me with that emotional out burst, and I could see his face was flushed in anger as he continued his tirade.

"And Carlisle, of all fucking people, should KNOW better,"he growled. "_God_ that shit just fucking pisses me off!"

He was looking away from me.

"Shh…" I said softly as I ran the tips of my fingers along the line that had formed between his eyebrows, and pressed gently to try to smooth it. I continued and traced his eyebrows, causing him to close his eyes, down along his cheek to his jaw line. I traced along his jaw with my forefinger and to his chin, moving upward and placing it vertically on his lips.

His eyes flew open and with the hand that was free, his right one - the left still clinging to my red and flushed cheek - he grabbed hold of mine. He opened up my hand, my palm facing his lips, and pressed them to my fingers, kissing them lightly.

I sucked in a deep breath as my blood began to pump more quickly in response to my now rapidly beating heart, and exhaled sharply. "Shit."It seemed to be the only think I could force out on my breath.

He let go of my hand and I slowly moved it down, placing it on his once again, now on top of his knee.

I knew I was trembling, but I hoped that he didn't notice.

"Fuck, I'm sorry, Bella," he said shaking his head. For a moment, I thought he was apologizing for kissing my fingers, not that I wanted him to apologize for that, until he continued, "I shouldn't have sprung all that Rose shit on you. You must be so fucking tired and here I am keeping you from sleep, like an asshole_._

I shook my head vehemently and stared into his eyes once again. "Like you said, I'm wide awake. Besides, I really don't think I could sleep now if I tried. Edward, please don't worry about unloading on me in regards to her. I mean," I chuckled. "She wouldn't know love if it was a Coach satchel sparkling in the window of Nordstrom's."

He and I both giggled with comic relief at my illustration of the lovely Rosalie Hale, but evidently it wasn't enough to keep his mood light because he furrowed his brow again.

"Edward, she doesn't deserve you,"I muttered, looking at him with hooded eyes.

His fucking breath hitched and when he replied, his voice was thick with emotion.

"Me? I—I don't deserve anything. I don't deserve that beautiful boy of mine, for sure," he whispered, clenching his jaw and speaking through his teeth. "But it kills me, you know, every time I have to leave him with her." He huffed out a humorless half-laugh. "At least I know I'll see him very soon, especially since Rose isn't responsible enough to make sure her son is the number one priority. But…" His eyes flashed, dazzling me again, burning into me. "It's…it's not been that way…with….with you." He seemed to have to catch his breath as he said this and I was completely perplexed as I watched him lick his lips.

"_What?_" I asked and searched his eyes.

"Fuck," he continued, and he shifted his eyes away from mine. It seemed almost as if he was afraid to look at me. "You don't know how it's killed me, all these years, wanting…to see you, to talk to you…like this." He took another shaky breath, and brought his eyes back to mine. "To apologize for…"

"God, Edward…just don't," I whispered, interrupting him. I closed my eyes and fought the emotion welling up inside me, and tried to hold my breath steady.

It's killed him to be away from me?

From _me_?

It wouldn't if he knew, though.

_If he only knew_.

I fought the tears that threatened to betray me yet again and before I could continue, his voice struck me again.

"I will never deserve what I want, but could never ask for…from you," he said in a voice so low that I wasn't even one hundred percent certain I'd heard him correctly.

I snapped my head up and just looked at him for a few seconds. His eyes were drenched in pain, and he was trying to convey something to me through them that I just didn't understand. I couldn't allow myself to recognize that look. The look I'd seen before, a long, long time ago. We'd hurt each other, this much we both knew, but his knowledge only extended to the fact that I wouldn't let him see me or talk to me and neither would anyone else. He didn't even know the half of the situation that unfolded after I left him and ran away.

I went to Florida to keep myself from holding him back, from making him feel like he had no choices. I'll never forgive myself for running away from him, for keeping…_that _from him…and neither should he, if I ever gathered the strength to talk to him about it.

"Edward, please don't. You don't have to…you don't need to do this, please. If you only knew what I…what we…what I…while I was away at Renee's…" I stuttered, "Y—you wouldn't be…" But I couldn't continue. I couldn't tell him. Not now. Not ever.

I felt stinging tears begin to pool in my eyes, but I blinked them away.

He shook his head and moved in closer to my face, looking up at me through his long lashes.

"Bella stop. Just stop and listen to me." He sighed and tried out another half-smile, but it didn't reach his eyes. "There aren't enough words in any language on the planet for me to fully explain to you…" He huffed. "It…it would take me a lifetime to make you understand how much I _know_ I fucked this up." He gestured between us, "and I know I could never feel your love for me again. The love you once had for me."

I gasped as his eyes began to water, and I was fucking losing my _mind._ It felt like my insides were melting.

It was _painful._

It was _extraordinary._

It was…it was _overwhelming_…

And it couldn't be real…_could it?_

XXXX

_**Chapter End Notes: I don't have too much to say here. I'd rather hear YOUR theories. *snickers* Okay, I'm off to work on the next one. Y'all can go ahead and get your review on. ;-P Reviews get you trapped in a car with Docward. **_


	19. Chapter 17 The Fight Inside

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past**

**Chapter 17, "The Fight Inside" ~ Red**

Bella's POV continued

_***A/N: Thank you to everyone that is reading and reviewing, and maybe spreading this story around! I love getting new story alerts/favorites emails in my inbox! Thank you to my fantastic, badazz betas…Love Of Escapism and THEsnapcrakklepop…who help me not to sound like a moron! **_

_**Ok, kiddos, steaming it up in this one. Um, took me a while to get this one typed out. You guys don't really need the details on that, right? Hope you enjoy…and don't hate me at the end of it when you have to deal with all the feelings and shit…pretty please? With cherries and whipped cream on top? **_

**Song Link, The Fight Inside: http:/ www (.) youtube (.) com /watch?v=sMgsC8kVOBI **

_**The one and only Stephenie Meyer owns me along with the Twilight Saga and characters. Sad, but true; the songs are owned by the record companies, producers, artists, etc. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. **_

_*** GRAPHIC SEXUAL CONTENT WARNING**__**: This chapter is full of lemony goodness, folks. If you are offended easily, you might want to skip to chapter 19…but then again, if you offend easily, you would've probably stopped reading at the Prologue! Morality issues from here on out. You knew it was coming. Brace yourselves!**_

XXXX

"_Enemy_

_Familiar Friend_

_My beginning and my end_

_Broken truth_

_Whispering lies_

_And it hurts again_

_What I fear and what I try_

_The words I say and what I hide_

_All the pain_

_I want it to end_

_But I want it again_

_And it finds me_

_The fight inside is coursing through my veins_

_And it's raging_

_The fight inside is breaking me again_

_Still the same_

_Pursuing pain_

_Is it worth all I have gained?_

_We both know how it will end_

_But I do it again_

_And it finds me_

_The fight inside is coursing through my veins_

_And it's raging_

_The fight inside is hurting me again_

_And it finds me_

_The war within me pulls me under_

_And without you_

_The fight inside is breaking me again_

_It's nothing (it's everything)_

_It's nothing (it's everything)_

_It's nothing (it's everything)_

_It's nothing_

_It's everything."_

XXXX

"Oh my God."

I whispered aloud, like a fucking teenager.

Edward took his hand and placed it on mine, which I still had resting on the side of his neck. He moved it up his neck to his jaw, across to his mouth, and parted his lips. He gently blew on my outstretched fingers, and then ran his tongue lightly, back and forth along all of them before wrapping his lips around them and sucking gently, which elicited a gasp from my throat.

A low moan, that I tried to hold back, escaped my lips.

He pulled my fingers from his mouth and slowly began kissing them. He started at my fingertips again, then moved at a snail's pace down the palm of my hand to my wrist, and proceeding to my inner forearm.

I let my head fall backward slightly and tried to calm my breath, which was becoming erratic and threatening near hyperventilation.

"Edward," I breathed in a pleading tone, because I wanted him to stop…but I really _didn't_. Maybe in a few minutes…or longer…_yes_…a little longer.

My hand brushed the top of his wild hair and, instinctively, I buried my fingers in it, tangling them in his thick locks and sighed in obvious pleasure.

He continued, still kissing down my forearm, darting his tongue out and sucking. As I began to massage his scalp, I breathed in and out deeply. He reached the crook of my elbow, grabbed the back of my upper arm and pulled me toward him to get better access to the inside of my elbow. He pressed his lips to it and held them there.

"I can feel your pulse," he whispered seductively, and licked where his lips were resting, sucking a little harder.

"Oh,"I moaned and tilted my head backward, as he gently pressed his teeth into my flesh, not enough to mark it, _I fucking hoped_, then licked and sucked again. By then I had a slightly tighter grip on his hair, giving him the silent permission to proceed.

He pulled on the fabric of my sleeve with his teeth, all the way up to my shoulder until he reached my exposed collarbone and planted his lips on it as he sucked harshly.

"_Fuck!" _I exhaled. "Edward."

"Mmm,"he responded, and continued kissing across my collarbone until he reached my neck.

Instead of moving upward as I thought he would, he went in the opposite direction and began laying soft, wet kisses on the exposed skin of my chest. He moved his right hand to my shoulder and his left hand - previously cradling under my ear - was massaging the back of my head, alternating from that spot back to my jaw, brushing his thumb over my ear. He moved his right hand up to the side of my throat as he continued laying kisses on my chest, and began to trace the side of my neck. He continued his feather-light tickling by tracing with the tips of his fingers down to my collarbone, where his mouth had just been, and followed the scoop neck of my blouse down.

I shuddered at the touch of his lips on the swell of my breast as he sucked and licked lightly.

Suddenly, his finger hooked in the material of my blouse and pulled it down, exposing the thin, see-throughlayer of my pink-laced bra…which, if I was being honest, barely covered my breasts anyway, and was worn usually only for special occasions or nights out. It was rarely worn, in other words, and I had to admit I was happy with my choice of undergarments tonight.

"Oh, _holy fuck_,"he breathed and ran his fingers over the lace, causing me to moan once again.

He ran his tongue along the top of the lace, dipping it inside as his right hand swooped down to palm my breast.

My body was acting and reacting of its own accord. I no longer had control. I had planted my nose in his hair and was breathing in his scent, savoring it. I couldn't get enough.

He ghosted his thumb up and across the lace of my bra, grazing my very hard, pebbled nipple and in the same movement, hooked his long thumb around the lace, pulling it down, exposing my bare breast. He wrapped his lips around my nipple, and ran his tongue across it repeatedly.

"_Shit!_ Oh My God!"I wailed, as I threw my head back and tightly gripped his hair. He fucking moaned…_moaned_ around my tingling nipple.

I ran my hand down to his back and dug my nails into it through his thin, black shirt.

"_Fuck_, Bella…I want you,"he moaned again, and moved his lips back up my chest to my neck. He continued as he sucked my earlobe into his mouth.

I didn't even think about my response until after it had already come out of my mouth, and although I stunned myself, I didn't care at all.

"God Edward,"I moaned. "I want you too…_so_ much. I want you. I want you to…to love me again."

He paused what he was doing, pulled his head up, and looked into my eyes.

"Don't you understand Bella? I have…never stopped. It's always been you…_you_…you're everything…_everything_ to me."

I grabbed the back of his head and pulled it forcefully toward mine. Our mouths were almost touching, our foreheads resting against one another as our noses crushed together. Our chests were heaving in and out, in and out, and we showered each other in our needy breaths. We took from one another and gave right back, devouring each other's wants and desires. We were caught up. Caught up in something that it seemed neither one of us wanted to let go of. It was still a fantasy, but happening just the same. It was as if we had plucked the same memory from each of our brains and were playing it out for one another…a reenactment of what we both, if he was telling the truth, had missed so much of in our lives. Neither was thinking about our actions. At least _I _wasn't.

I could think of nothing but what was going on at that moment. I didn't think of my broken hand. I didn't think of my crazy, fucked up night, unable to realize that it had just gotten that much _more_ fucked up. I didn't think about creepy James or the little bitch, Jane. I didn't think about the beautiful and hyper Irina or stunning but superficial Rosalie. I didn't think about Victoria, who was one of the reasons I had hurt so much over the years, and I didn't think about Jake, his asinine display at the bar, my deteriorated relationship with him, or the fact that he was merely less than a football field's length away sound asleep…or possibly not.

The gravity of what we had just spoken was beginning to drown me and I couldn't breathe. I couldn't stop the lone tear that escaped my eye and ran slowly down my cheek. He noticed it, and placed his hands on the sides of my cheeks, pulling my head up slightly to look at him.

"Bella?"he pleaded, his eyes riddled with torment.

I couldn't speak. I just let out a heavy sigh as he swiped the rogue tear away with his thumb and began to kiss its trail up my cheek. I closed my misty eyes as he reached the one that betrayed me and kissed it gently, then trailed kisses back down, reaching the corner of my mouth.

"Edward," I began to whisper, but couldn't finish because just then, he pulled my bottom lip between his and sucked softly.

"_Mmmmmhh."_

It was the only sound I could manage to create.

He moaned into my mouth and I shifted my body to try to get closer to him. I needed to be closer; I needed to close what felt like was a huge gap between our bodies. I followed his lead and grabbed his top lip with my mouth and licked it, then sucked softly, as he had with mine.

_Oh my God._ I had forgotten what an amazing kisser this man was, and it was better than I remember it being ten years ago. _How is that even possible?_ It was better than my dream, and _Christ_ I needed it. I needed it so badly and I couldn't stop it. At the moment, I needed it more than I needed to breathe.

He pulled away suddenly and stared at me – his eyes hooded with want and passion – and said, "You are so fucking beautiful, do you know that?" He seemed to struggle with his breath.

I rolled my eyes, because _yeah fucking right._

"You are."He interrupted my internal sarcasm and proceeded to crush his lips to mine.

I pressed my mouth harder onto his; our hunger for one another was so strong that our teeth clanked together, but it obviously didn't faze us. Our tongues, furiously searching for one another, came together and began to swirl one around the other in perfect unison.

I knotted my good hand in the sexy mess on the back of his head, pissed that I had a huge fucking cast on the other one and was unable to fully enjoy gripping his hair with both hands…as I had in my dream.

I suddenly remembered that this, in fact, was not a dream. It was very real. My heart leapt for joy, but fell at the same time, because…

_What the fuck was I doing?_

I tried to pull away, but he held me close, palming my exposed breast again with one hand and his other fisted in my curls. He moaned again in my mouth and I lost all my inhibitions, fisting my own hand in his hair tighter. The sound of his moan sent shock waves and warmth down my body, tightening my nipples even more and pooling in my fucking core. I was _definitely_ wet now and I wanted him more than I wanted air in my lungs. At that moment, I grabbed his tongue between my lips and sucked on it, gently.

"_Mmff_,"he groaned _"Fuck!"_ He pressed his mouth harder onto mine.

We were melting into one another, two blobs of want, and need, and lust, and…love?

"I want to touch you, Bella, so fucking badly, _please_?"he implored on heavy breath.

I responded by running my hand down his chest, unbuttoning his shirt as I went along, and slipping my hand inside to run it across his now exposed chest. His breathing became erratic and I moaned upon the physical contact my hand made with his chest hair…unfortunately, something I didn't have at home, with Jake being Native American.

He ran the palms of his hands over my shoulders, caressing softly and down to my hips. It was awkward, though, sitting in the seats of his car, and I wanted _so_ much to climb into the back and drag his ass with me. He continued, running his hands back up from my hips to my sides, reaching my breasts and palming both of them again. He pulled the lace fabric of my bra down over my other breast and began running his thumbs across my nipples, tracing circles around them repeatedly.

"_Jesus_, oh my…_fuck_," I moaned and threw my head back.

As soon as I broke our kiss, Edward grabbed me around the waist with both hands and pulled me closer to him - I would have been on his lap, if it hadn't been for the fuckingconsole - and planted his mouth on my breast, his tongue furious on my nipple. He licked the skin between my breasts, never breaking contact until he reached the other and repeated his furious tongue action.

"Oh my God,"I moaned loudly.

I wanted to buck into him…feel the friction I was desperate for, his hard cock against my core, but againthanks to the fucking console and gear shift, it wasn't exactly possible. I cursed them internally and instead, shifted my hips to give _myself_ some of that much-needed friction.

"Edward, I want…"I panted.

"Mmm,"he responded, his mouth still on my chest. He began to move his lips downward, reaching my stomach and circling my navel with his tongue.

"_Oh, Jesus!" _I cried, and grabbed his head, pulling his mouth back upto mine, slamming it to my lips.

I could no longer stop myself from what I wanted to do and I reached down quickly, finding what I was searching for, and palmed his rock hard erection. I moved my hands up and down furiously.

"Bella!_ Shit!_"he cried out as I continued, sucking his lips into mine.

He took his cue, and slowly slid his hands downward to the waistband of my jeans, popping open the button and yanking the zipper down swiftly.

_Oh, two can play at that game._

Slowly I popped the first button of his sexy, godforsaken button flies. _One handed…not bad. _I popped the second, third, and fourth buttons, exposing his bright red boxer briefs. _So, so sexy._

At the same time, he looked down at my exposed pink lace panties, an exact match to my sorry excuse for a bra, and he slammed his hand onto the console.

"Goddamned thing!" he groaned. "I hate this fucking space between us!"

I simply responded by yanking his boxer briefs over his cock, displaying it, and wrapped my hand around it. _Holy shit_. The sheer size and girth of it was something I didn't think I'd forgotten, but seeing it again…touching it…my memories certainly didn't do it justice. My panties were instantly soaked. I let out a sigh as I pulled my head away from his, looked into his eyes and licked my lips.

"Oh, _Jesus fuck_!"he cried as I pumped it in my hand a couple times.

He grabbed the back of my head and crushed my lips to his using his other hand to ghost around my navel and move down…tracing my pubic bone, causing me to moan and tighten my grip on his dick. He responded by bucking slightly in my hand - apparently as desperate for friction as I was -and dipped his fingers inside of my lace underwear, sliding them down to meet my slick, dripping wet folds.

"Oh…_God_,"I whimpered, and bucked against his fingers as I cried out once again. "Edward, shit!"

I began pumping him harder and ran my thumb across the head of it, spreading his own wetness over his dick. He threw his head back and exhaled sharply. He dipped lower, parting me, and entered me with one finger before quickly adding another. I moaned loudly, and called out his name as I bucked into his hand. His thumb grazed my most sensitive area only lightly, but felt intense and caused me to whimper again. I fucking wanted _him_ inside of me instead of his fingers.

I pushed him back, breaking his contact with me, and leaning him back in the seat.

"Bella, wha—?He started, but I shushed him by leaning over and licking the slick head of his throbbing cock. He slammed his head against the seat, emitting a low, _"Fuuuuuuuuuuuck," _as I wrapped my lips around his rock hard shaft and sucked it into my throat.

I brought my lips up to the very edge and paused, running my tongue along the edge of his head. He clenched his thigh muscles, hissed, and placed a trembling hand on the back of my head, applying gentle pressure. I ignored the gentle pressure, and slammed his dick into the back of my throat, pulling back up again.

"Oh, fucking _Jesus Christ_!"he moaned.

I whimpered around his dick and continued, slowly…up…then hard and fast back down, until I could feel the pressure building. He was on the brink of explosion. He was moving his hips in unison with my mouth and moaning along with me. Just when I thought he was going to explode, I popped my lips off the tip of him and lifted my head, to look into his eyes.

He was smoldering, the green fire licking at his pupils.

I licked my lips and smirked at him, causing him to furrow his brow in frustration. He parted his lips and pulled me to him, kissing me soft but desperate at the same time, tracing my lips with his tongue.

"Edward,"I moaned as I exhaled and looked at him. I was not at all sure what had come over me, but was going with it completely. "Do you like fucking my mouth, Edward?"I smirked.

A low growl rumbled from deep from within his chest. "You're fucking _killing_ me Bella." His eyes rolled back in head and he let out a sharp breath.

I smiled and grabbed his shaft again, causing him to choke on his intake of breath, and slammed his cock back into my throat. I went faster and faster, and his breathing became more and more out of control.

"Bella,_ fuck_! I'm going to…_oh God…shit_!"he moaned on his breath as he suddenly grabbed my head with both hands and pulled my mouth off of him, bringing it to his, and kissing me firmly. At the same time, he used one hand to grasp the waist of his boxer briefs and yank them over his throbbing cock. I reached down, pumped him through the fabric, and moaned into his mouth as I felt him pulse with his orgasm, and felt the dampness spread underneath the briefs.

He shuddered and whispered my name as his dick pulsed for the last time, and he licked my mouth, tracing his tongue along the outside of my swollen lips.

In a swift movement, he shoved me backward into my seat and followed me, his mouth urgent and needy on my jaw line. He traced it with his tongue up to my ear lobe, which elicited a sharp exhale from me as I tilted my head to give him more access. He followed his wet tongue trail on my jaw back to my mouth and crushed my lips with his, parting them with his tongue. I welcomed it by meeting his tongue with my own, lacing it around his and sucking, pulling each of his lips into my mouth one at a time, moaning.

"I _have _to touch you,"he murmured into my mouth and moved his hand - the one that wasn't once again, fisted in my tousled hair - down the front of my body.

He ghosted his finger tips around each of my breasts, pinching my nipples slightly, which caused me to buck involuntarily, giving myself a little bit of friction against the fabric of my jeans and I let out a breathy, "Yes…_please_…Edward… _fuck_."

He continued his slow, methodical tracing of my skin with his fingertips until he reached the pink lace of my panties and dipped one of his long fingers down between my soaking wet folds.

"Oh God, Edward, _yes_!"I cried out, and he curled his finger up and entered me once again, finding my throbbing bud with this thumb and beginning slow, but tight circles. He added another finger and entered me with it, beginning to pump slowly.

I threw my head back once again and tried to stifle a scream, as the circling of his thumb and the pumping of his fingers inside me increased slowly.

I peeled my head off the back of the seat and found his lips, sliding my tongue in between them and breathing heavily as I kissed him. He gently kissed me back.

"You're so fucking warm Bella and, _God_, you fucking taste so good…I just…I can't stop,"he said on his heavy breath.

"Oh Edward, please don't,"I pleaded as I rocked my hips into his hand as much as I could in the confines of the car seat.

I started to feel the clenching in my stomach and the warmth spreading down my body. My core was on fire and I came closer and closer to eruption. I rocked harder as I breathed out moans and sucked in as much air as I could get.

"I want you inside of me, oh _God_ Edward, I fucking _want _you inside of m—"

And then it hit me.

_My God…what the fuck was I doing? Holy shit!_

I panicked and grabbed his arm - that was attached to his hand inside of me - and pulled him from me. I was shocked with my behavior and was fighting a battle inside, because I wanted_ so _fucking badlyfor him to make me come. I wanted him to make me scream his name in ecstasy as I rode out my orgasm_…_the orgasm that _he_ gave me.

But I couldn't do it.

I fucking freaked out and began shaking my head repeatedly.

"Bella, what the…"He stilled my shaking head as he touched my chin with his bent finger once again.

I started to choke on the lump that instantly formed in my throat and tried to blink away the river of tears that began to pool in my eyes.

"Edward, I—I'm so fucking sorry, Edward. I—I just can't…I c—can't _do_ this!"

I sucked in a choking sob and he responded in a mortified tone.

"Oh my God…Bella, no. Oh shit, _I'm_ sorry. No, please don't be sorry!"He turned, slamming his hand onto the steering wheel, which startled me, and I gasped again. The tears were now flowing down my cheeks as I tried to continue to stifle the sobs that were choking me by inhaling and exhaling sharply.

"Goddamn it!" he groaned, "I'm such a motherfucking PRICK!"

He turned to me, eyes glossy and brow furrowed into hard lines. "Bella, please…please don't cry. I'm a jack-ass, really, please. This is all my fault; I'm so fucking sorry I put you in this position. Please stop crying." He reached up to wipe my tears, but I pulled away and covered my eyes with my good hand, trying to swiping the tears as they kept flowing, and _trying_ to pull myself together.

I sucked in a sharp breath and nearly choked as I spoke. "Edward, I—I have to go. _Fuck!_ I—I just have to go, I'm so sorry!"

"Bella, just…just let me drive you up to the house, _please_, calm down. Just let me drive you and…"

"No!"I half yelled as I grasped awkwardly for the door handle with my left hand and flung it open.

"_Bella, wait!" _Edward called after me and I turned, leaning into the door.

He was reaching over the seat as if to try to grab me and pull me back in. His eyes were burning with sorrow and remorse, and I couldn't take looking at them anymore - seeing them like that - seeing _him_ like that.

"Edward, it's okay."I tried to smile, but fell short. "I'm so sorry, I—I just can't. Not tonight…not like this." I turned my head, whispering to myself. "My God, what have I done?"

"Bella, you…you didn't do _anything_. This is on me tonight. Please don't do this." He responded, having heard me. He closed his eyes as he spoke, anguish masking his beautiful face.

His words threw me back in time, and I had to grasp the door of the car to keep from collapsing as I felt my legs give out.

"Please don't beat yourself up over this,"he continued, "I'm such an asshole, I'm sorry. I'm _so_ sorry."

I turned to him again, having stilled my tears for once and blurted out, "Don't be! Edward, don't! I'm…I'm so sorry, I have to go!"

I grabbed my purse from the floorboard and slammed the car door. I couldn't even turn to look at him as I propelled myself forward in a sprint toward my house, praying to a God that had probably already signed my fucking ticket to hell, that I wouldn't trip and fall like the goddamned uncoordinated idiot that I was_._

_Humph, so much for hoping._ I fucking tripped on an over-sized piece of gravel and almost did a very non-graceful face plant. _Nice. The universe was already against me. _I lurched forward; my legs working overtime to try to get my upper body back into a vertical position as I caught myself, avoiding the most humiliating nose-dive in the history of the world, and continued running.

I couldn't breathe anymore when I reached the house, but I continued running up the steps to the porch and stopped. Sweat was dripping down my temples and mingling with the salty tears, which were still very evident on my cheeks. I took a deep breath, wiped the remaining tears off my cheeks, and reached down for my key, when…

_Oh damn._

I noticed that my pants were still unbuttoned…and unzipped. Lucky for me they were tight enough to stay up while I ran to the house because that would have just been even more fucking humiliating.

I struggled for a couple seconds, but finally got them buttoned and zipped one-handed. I tried to straighten out my shirt and smooth my hair before grabbing my key and sliding into the doorknob as quietly as possible.

I looked back down the driveway and saw it illuminate, as Edward must have turned his headlights back on. I felt another sob grip my throat and tried to swallow it as I gasped for a breath, wrapping my arm around my mid-section to try to ease the ache that threatened to send me careening over the edge.

I slipped inside the house and leaned against the door, lightly closing it with a faint click. I flicked the dead bolt back to the locked position as I closed my eyes and slowed my breathing. I listened for the familiar sound of Jake's snoring, which was usually audible, even this far from our upstairs master.

Silence.

I launched myself off the door and into the massive foyer, down the long hallway, to the kitchen, tiptoeing and holding my breath, still listening for the sounds of Jake's slumber.

Nothing.

I reached the sink in the kitchen and turned on the faucet quietly, splashing my face with the cold water and breathing into the towel I held to my face.

Turning in the direction of the stairs, I crept up them to the bedroom. I approached the bedroom door, noting that it was closed exactly the way it had been when we left the house. Suddenly, a loose board creaked under my foot, and I froze.

Silence.

I turned the knob silently and squeezed my eyes shut, trying to prepare myself for the riot act I was more than likely about to receive. As I opened the door silently, I noticed the bed. It was still made…perfectly. Again, exactly as it had been when we left the house.

I flung the door open.

Nothing had been touched, nothing out of place. I turned and stalked through the house, opening the kids' bedroom doors to find…absolutely nothing.

I checked every room in the house…again, nothing.

Jake was _definitely _not here.

"Thank fucking Christ,"I mumbled aloud to myself as I trudged back to the bedroom.

I looked at the clock, which read 4:28 am, and held myself up on the bedpost as I reached down and struggled,one-handed, to unzip and pull off the fucking bullshit boots I just _had_ to wear tonight. I wanted to simply crash, right then on the bed, but I remembered that I'd left my purse on the kitchen counter, with my damned pain pills in it.

"Damn It!" I blurted aloud again_,_ and dragged my feet down the stairs to the kitchen.

I grabbed my pill bottle and dropped two of them in my hand, then popped them into my mouth and swallowing hard. As I grabbed my cigarettes out of my purse, I noticed my phone. I hadn't even checked it since we'd left the bar. With it being on vibrate, I wouldn't have heard it. I began to scroll through it, as I walked out the back door, onto the oversized deck.

_Jesus Christ…eight….eight missed calls from Jake. Fuck. Perfect._

_Well, I was certainly not about to call him now…who knew where the fuck he was anyway?_

I sucked my cigarette down in about two fucking minutes and went back inside…still dragging my feet; I finally made it up the stairs and to the bedroom.

I tried not to look at myself in the mirror as I brushed my teeth because, seriously, _fuck that_.I didn't need to remind myself of the debauchery that was my night by looking at my swollen eyes, red nose, and tear-stained cheeks.

I sauntered back into the bedroom, glancing at the clock again…4:38. _Nice. I'll be a worthless ass tomorrow for _sure. Then I heard the _buzz-buzz_ of my phone vibrating on the nightstand.

_Are you fucking kidding me, Jake?_

I picked it up and squinted as I took in the text message on my phone. It was from a number that I didn't have registered in my address book, but I knew who it was.

All it said was, _I'm so sorry._

I sucked in a sharp breath and just stared at my phone in silence. Shaking my head, I muttered in a whisper, "This can't be happening," before collapsing, literally, onto my bed.

I could do nothing but just lie there, stunned. Wide varieties of emotions were flowing through me, shock, amazement, confusion, guilt, hatred, but no peace. I needed peace, more than I needed air at that moment. I was acutely aware of what I was going to have to deal with when tomorrow came, and whenever Jake decided to come home, and I didn't want to think about it now. I didn't want to think about where he might be, the eight missed calls from him - twisting the blade of guilt even further - or the text I just received. Finally, I started feeling the effects of the pain meds course through my body. I let the lead feeling overtake me, pull me under into the abyss of darkness, and I closed my eyes.

The images of the night began to slowly melt together and thin out. The vivid colors faded to a stale gray and began to dissipate until they seemed to be nothing more than a disappearing mist in my head. I welcomed it when the images disappeared altogether; I allowed myself to feel the peace that came soon after. I was lost in a pain-free haze as I drifted off and gave myself away to the chemical-induced forgetfulness and finally…_finally_ fell asleep.

XXXX

_**Chapter End Notes: *hiding behind computer again* Okay, I know! I'm a cock-blocking pain in the ass! Bella has to have a little bit of a conscience, though. Give me some credit! Lol! Alright, to make it up to you, I'll give you Edwards point of view of the citrusy events. Reviewers get Docward's long fingers wherever they want them. ;-P**_


	20. Chapter 18 Hate Me

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past**

**Chapter 18, "Hate Me" ~ Blue October**

Edward's POV

_**A/N:**_** Huge thanks- of course- to my smartie-pants, awesome betas! {THESnapCrakklePop & Love Of Escapism are the bestest! **** see, they teach me well! Lol! **

_**I hope this one's not too slow…I figured, though, y'all would like to hear Edward's POVfor the shenanigans in the car, so having said that ****__**again with the warning for explicit sexiness**__**, have fun! Hmmm, some things revealed about our beloved Jake in this one. Thanks to all of my loyal readers and reviewers! You keep me writing, really.**_

**Song Link, Hate Me: .com/watch?v=xogOqnMQdy8**

_**I don't own the Twilight Characters….DUH….they belong to one, Stephenie Meyer. I don't own the songs I use either….duh….they belong to the artists, record labels, blah-biddy-blah. The concept and story line of Forsaken, however, is mine…..so hands off! *smooches* **_

XXXX

"_I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't lose my head,_

_They crawl in like a cockroach, leaving babies in my bed,_

_Dropping little reels of tape, to remind me that I'm alone_

_Playing movies in my head, that make a porno feel like home,_

_There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain,_

_An ounce of peace is all I want for you, Will you never call again?_

_And will you never say that you love me, just to put it in my face?_

_And will you never try to reach me? It is I that wanted space,_

_Hate me today…Hate me tomorrow,_

_Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you,_

_Hate me in ways…Yeah, ways hard to swallow,_

_Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you,_

_In a sick way I want to thank you, for holding my head up late at night,_

_While I was busy waging war on myself, you were trying to stop the fight,_

_You never doubted my warped opinions, on things like suicidal hate,_

_You made me complement myself, when it was way too hard to take,_

_So I'll drive so fucking far away, that I never cross your mind,_

_And do whatever it takes in your heart, to leave me behind,_

_Hate me today…Hate me tomorrow,_

_Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you,_

_Hate me in ways…Yeah, ways hard to swallow,_

_Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you,_

_And with a sad heart I say goodbye to you and wave,_

_Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I have made,_

_And like a baby boy, I never was a man,_

_Until I saw your blue eyes cry and held your face in my hands,_

_And then I fell down yelling, "Make it go away!"_

_Just make a smile come back and shine the way it used to be,_

_And then she whispered, "How can you do this to me?"_

_Hate me today…Hate me tomorrow,_

_Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you,_

_Hate me in ways…Yeah, ways hard to swallow,_

_Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you,_

_For you,_

_For you."_

XXXX

I just sat there.

Just sat in my car for God only knows how long.I was gripping my steering wheel in shock and watched her run up the driveway until she disappeared, and then I was left alone with my thoughts.

My head was screaming. My heart was breaking, for her and for me. I felt like the world's biggest motherfucking_ asshole. _

_What had I done to this girl?_

_What had I done to myself?_

Of course, Bella took the blame and placed it on herself. It was what she always did. If I knew nothing else at this moment - which to be honest, was pretty fucking true -I still knew that. This beautiful person that I now painfully realized I was still very much in love with, would let her conscience eat away at her until she was completely broken again. I prayed that she wouldn't let it get to her so much that she would confess to the _o_ne person who could and _would_ literally make her life a living hell.

It wasn't like I didn't know the guy. I knew how he treated her. I was around when the _incident _happened a few years back.

Jake didn't tell very many people, but he told the guys about how Bella had kissed some random stranger after a few shots of tequila.

_Jesus, he made such a fucking big deal about it to us._

"_An eye for an eye," _I recalled him saying, as he took the skanky stripper…at the dive we'd gone to one night…into the back 'private' room, only to emerge half an hour later saying 'that was the best goddamned blow job he'd ever gotten.'

The boys and I affectionately referred to that whole situation as _'Tequila-Stripper-Gate'._

I was so fucking pissed at him after that though, and I had no problem voicing my disapproval to him. Of course, I should've known better than to try and be Mr. Morals with Jake.

"_A fucking eye-for-an-eye, Jake? Really?" I said. "Are you fucking kidding me? She kissed some guy, after she had tequila, and told you about it because she was _trying_ to be honest. _You_ just let some whore suck on your cock. Explain to me exactly how that constitutes 'an-eye-for-an-eye' you fucking idiot!" _

_I was disgusted with him and of course, he came back with some bullshit. The latter of which, I just couldn't compete nor argue with._

"_Shut up, Edward. I don't give a shit if she was _TRYING_," as he made the quotation gesture, "to be honest or not. If she was a _good_ wife, I guess she wouldn't have let some other dude put his _tongue_ in her _mouth_, huh? So it's pretty much my goddamned prerogative if I want to let some hot chick suck me off, now isn't it?" _

_I thought I was going to vomit in my mouth at the description of the nasty bitch he had referred to as hot, but he then turned to glare at me._

"_God, Edward. You're such a damned asshole hypocrite, seriously. You're just jealous because _YOU _did the same thing to her only worse!"_

_My fists automatically clenched when he said that. Though looking back, I wasn't sure I was surprised at all. Given the opportunity, this cock-sucker would always throw that shit right in my face. Honestly, I couldn't blame him for that. It really was a sick and twisted "friendship" we supposedly had. I braced myself and fought for control as he continued to spew shit from his mouth._

"_You screwed someone else. I haven't done THAT, although I'm sure SHE probably would if given the chance. So hey, apparently it's 'vow-schmow' with her…so why not, huh?"_

I remember all four of us just staring at him after that ridiculous statement. Emmett chuckled because well, that's what Emmett _does_; Jazz looked mortified…_always the romantic_; Sam pretty much looked embarrassed- I'm not sure for whom, exactly, me or Jake-but I sure as hell knew who was being the complete douche,and it sure as hellwasn't me. Of course, my reaction? Well I was just _pissed._

Jacob thought he was being funny…but I wasn't laughing.

It was like it had become a fucking game to him.

'_Let's see how many of Bella's buttons I can push just to fuck with her, _then_, wouldn't it be fun to throw it in Edward's face that I get to fucking sleep with her every night of the week…that her kids belong to me.' _

Yeah, I could just imagine that fucker thinking that every fuckingday.

_It seemed that every one of us knew the asinine logic behind his thinking that night except for him, because he continued chuckling and having diarrhea of the mouth._

"_Jesus, Edward," he guffawed. "You're so jealous, it's PAINFUL!" And he burst into laughter. _

_Douche._

I wondered if he'd be laughing now; if he knew what his _property_ had done to _me _in my motherfucking car tonight. _Yeah, I fucking doubt it._

"_Fuck You Dude," I had said glaring, and he'd turned to me, his face serious, jugular popping out of his neck, speaking through his teeth._

"_No, Fuck YOU…Dude."_

It had been the first and, so far, the only time I'd heard that word come out of Jake's mouth. He had some sort of problem with it. A stripper's mouth on his cock - no problem - but couldn't say the work "fuck" without cringing. He needed a flashing neon sign above his head that said _Logic does not apply here_.

_Whatever. _

I just let it go. He wasn't going to shut up, and I just wanted to get away from the subject…and him. I had a feeling though, when all this was said and done; after the dust settled and Jake eventually found out how I really felt about his wife, he'd use that word again. This time though, a confrontation of epic proportions…a massive explosion between us equal to the force of a thousand Hiroshima bombs…was inevitable. For Bella's sake, I honestly prayed that it wouldn't get to that point, but I also knew Jake, and I knew that he wouldn't let go of Bella without a fight. Even if their relationship_ was _effectively over, it was a principle issue to him as far as I could see. She was _his_ and to him, so she would remain.

I could feel it though. I could feel it like an animal feels an earthquake long before the actual trembling begins.

_Oh, it was coming._

It was coming and I didn't fucking care. I didn't give a shit about fighting with Jake. I'd fuck that kid's world up.

He knew it and I knew it.

What I _did_ give a shit about however, was Bella. _I would fucking die if she got hurt in the mix of things_.

She had alluded to that tonight, and I knew she'd put herself in the middle of Jake and I and wouldn't think another thought about it. If she got hurt doing that, let's just say the padded cell would be my only companion and would welcome me with arms wide open.

I had already hurt her tonight - psychologically speaking - by letting my dicktake over, and I probably hurt my fucking self as well in the process by letting my ignorant heart take over the conversation. Again, I had no idea what I was thinking. That was the problem, though. I wasn't fucking _thinking_ at all_._

The deep-seated fire I felt for her was all that I could comprehend at the time. I should've just listened to my head, wished her well, and sent her on her way so that she could hopefullyget some rest. If, that is, Jake would lay off of her tonight. God only knew what that girl was going to have to endure when she got in the house, if I'd been too late in turning the headlights off and had, in fact, woke himup.

_Fuck! _

If that was the case, I could only imagine what he'd be thinking when it took her…way too long to get inside the house. What she'd have to listen to.

_God, please, please, _I silently prayed, _let him be asleep._

I should have just stopped with saying it was nice to see her and then I should have shut my fucking mouth.

But…she asked about Rose, and I reacted. I just _reacted_.

It pissed me off so badly that Rose would have the gall to do what she did, that I couldn't hold back my complete and utter discontentment. Of course, Bella probably wouldn't have pried…she _didn't _pry until my stupid ass went on to tell her I missed her.

When she mentioned how gorgeous Rose was and compared herself - like she was some two-headed freak - I couldn't take it anymore. I disclosed information that, again, if I was using my head, would've never been disclosed; information that I couldn't take back - about Rose, about Kellan, about myself, and especially about my feelings for _her._

When she told me that Rose didn't deserve me, I could've died.

I could've died right then because she would never understand how much I didn't care about Rose, and she would never understandhow much I knew that Bella was the one I didn't deserve_._

Of course, then I couldn't stop talking and I definitely couldn't stop myself from kissing her beautiful tiny fingers when she tried to comfort me. The jolt of energy her touch gave me was so overwhelming, I fell back.

_I fell back into the past._

The part of my mind I tried to keep locked up tight behind and iron door.

Only one person had the strength to get through it…and it was her. It was Bella.

She kicked that door down with a force beyond my own comprehension, shredding the lock on my heart into a million pieces.

Then, she surprised the hell out of me by insinuating that she _wanted _to stay…there in my car…that she couldn't sleep.

And I sang like a little fucking birdie.

I told her everything that had been on my chest all those years. She tried to shut me down, and of course, Bella did what Bella _would_ do. She tried to place the blame on herself. She kept trying to say something about while she was gone to Florida…which I didn't even know at the time where the hell she'd gone. I suspected, but didn't _know._ Her whereabouts were none of my business according to her family and friends. I assumed she was insinuating that she had left _me_ behind and I shouldn't have missed her because of that. I wasn't hearing any of that shit.

_That was complete and utter bullshit._

In fact, I was certain, like I'd told her, that I didn't deserve for her to want to _ever_ see me again, especially after tonight.

I was a loathsome motherfucker. Putting her in a position to basically cheat on her husband. Who fucking does that? Oh yes, Edward Cullen, _home wrecker extraordinaire._

No, I would've been lucky if she'd even taken the time to tell me to fuck off.

I guess it didn't matter how big of a prick her husband was. That was just something you did _not_ do. I suppose doing that was a good way, according to some, to get yourself a non-stop ride directly to Hell in a hand-basket.

I should've fucking known better. Bella was _not_ a whore. She had never been one, despite what the piece of shit she was married to might have said.

So, I made a decision. I refused to contribute to Bella feeling like a worthless dime store hooker. I couldn't, in my own good conscience, do that to her.

The fucking ironic thing was that her _wonderful_ husband was no better than me.

I honestly didn't know what the fuck happened to that man, other than the fact that he had it in his twisted mind that she had actually cheated on him. So to him, all bets were off. Other than the_ Tequila-Stripper-Gate _situation, I knew of one other time he'd fucked around on her.

XXXX

It was a St Patrick's Day party Sam Uley had thrown at _Crobar_, an older but one of the more famous night-clubs in Chicago. Jake and Bella's twins were only around three months old at the time and still so tiny and helpless. Bella didn't feel comfortable leaving them just yet and wanted to stay home to take care of them. According to _Captain Douchebag_, Bella encouraged him to go out and be with his friends that night. Sam and his wife Emily, had brought along Emily's cousin; I believe her name was Leah. She was barely twenty-one, cute as hell, and Jacob took full advantage of being "wifeless" as he so lovingly put it that night.

_Motherfucker._

I don't know all of the details of what they _did_ when they left the club, nor did I want to_. _What I did know, however, was that Jake - who had ridden with Emmett to the club - chose to leave with Sam, Emily…and _Leah_.

I was so fucking disgusted with him that night that I took myself and Rose to another floor because I couldn't watch the bullshit. I was also told by Emmett, that Jacob had his arm around her neck when they left. _Nice…huh?_ Now, if there was one thing that Emmett did not do, it was lie.

Of course, this was after _Tequila-Stripper-Gate_, so apparently _he_ felthe was justified.

_Again, whatever._

I was just fucking done thinking about this guy that _had _her, didn't _deserve _her any more than I did, and acted like he couldn't give two shits about her. So, no, I didn't feel bad for him regarding what went on in my car. What I did feel bad about was possibly helping Bella hate herself even more.

XXXX

I thought about that as I recalled the events leading up to this self-hatred.

When she responded to me kissing her fingers with her familiar sighs and sexy potty-mouth, it was all the encouragement I needed…and I didn't stop.

I couldn't stop, once I'd started.

I needed to taste her. Taste her skin, feel her body. I really just wanted her naked body under mine. _Fuck, she tasted so good. _The electricity coursed through me and I could feel her blood pumping through her veins. I wanted to just bite into her, but I settled for a little nibble on her arm.

She responded again, and I kept going, burying my lips into her skin, taking in her scent. It intoxicated me…pulled me under. Her moans and ragged breaths were killing me.

Her fingers, tight in my hair, were making me want to rip her clothes off. I was fucking straining against my button flies and…_holy shit_…when I saw what she had on under her already sexy clothes, I could have exploded right then and there. I couldn't help but voice exactly what I thought of all that fuck-hot lace.

_Jesus fucking Christ._

It was all over for me at that point. I _had_ to touch her. I _needed _my mouth on her. I _wanted _my mouth all over her.

As much as I didn't want to remove that sexy pink lace…I had to get to what was underneath. I needed my tongue on her fucking nipple, like _yesterday_. So, that was just where I put it. She yelled out, encouraging me to do more. I was compelled to tell her exactly what I wanted…which…in a word, was _her_.

I wanted to fuck her, so badly, but I didn't want to_ fuck _her_. _Not Bella.

I wanted to go slow with her. I wanted to make her nearly combust with the heat that I would plant all over her body. I wanted to slowly make love to her. No, I did _not _want to fuck her.

Then she said something that shook me.

She said she wanted me to love her again_._

I couldn't breathe.

I was fucking choking.

Trying _not_ to let her see what a weak motherfucking pansy I was at that moment.

I couldn't believe it. She just didn't get it…at all.

I suppose anyone standing outside of the universe we were currently in would say that things got completely out of hand after that moment, but I wouldn't say that at all.

I'd say things were just right_._

As right as they could be - I suppose - sitting in my car, sitting in her driveway, with her husband in the house.

So I told her just that. In so many words, I told her that she didn't get it. That essentially, I _did_ love her, and that I had never stopped. She reacted in a way that I couldn't fathom.

She cried.

She fucking _cried_, and when I saw her tear, it ripped my heart from my chest again because I was reminded of what I'd done to this girl so long ago.

I couldn't stand it, so I got rid of that tear. I kissed it away, tasting her salty skin and touching her eyelids with my lips, willing the tears to go away.

It was a moment. A moment between us that I simply couldn't describe with words, a moment that I didn't want to end. Not ever.

I couldn't tear my lips from her skin to save my life and when I reached hers lips, she hesitated. _Fuck that_. So, I grabbed her bottom lip and sucked. I tried to do it gently and hold back a little because what I really wanted to do was sink my teeth into that fucking sexy, pouty lip of hers.

She responded exactly the way I wanted her to…the way I was hoping she would, because…what an asshole day _that_ would've end up being if she'd have shoved me away, like she probably should have. Instead, she grabbed my lip between hers, and used her tongue on it.

_Oh Jesus Fucking Christ._

That was all I needed and it was on.

_It was on like motherfucking Donkey Kong._

Aside from the time when I witnessed the birth of my son, I never wanted anything more in my entire life than to be feeling the way I was feeling, and doing the things I was doing with Bella at that moment.

I was overcome, and moaned into her mouth, because that was all I _could _do. I couldn't form any coherent fucking words at that particular moment, not with her sucking my lips and using that soft, warm tongue of hers on me the way she was doing. I was losing it, and _fast_. The only coherent shit I could come up with was, well, pretty much _shit _and _fuck_, and to tell her how much I wanted her, like a total douche_._

My head was no longer involved in what was going on at the time. As a matter of fact, I was fairly certain that it was no longer attached to my body. The only way I knew I still _had_ one was when Bella would tug on my hair with her tiny fingers and _goddamn_ it felt good. What did not feel good however, was my throbbing dick, but I was hoping to take care of that soon enough. I was trying not to get my hopes up, so I bargained with myself. If it didn't happen by way of Bella, it would be happening by way of Ms. Rosie Palm and her five sisters.

I had to touch her again…put my mouth on her body. It was an _absolute _necessity.

I pulled her nipple into my mouth and ran my tongue over it…causing her to cry out.

_Fuck, it was hard too, and tasted so fucking good. If something didn't happen soon, I was pretty sure my dick was going to pop the buttons off of my jeans itself to find a way out._

I truly had forgotten the physical impact this girl had on me. It was unmistakable, and something supernatural.

I was also pretty sure I was getting her hot, because she was panting and grabbing my hair tighter; moving her tongue around desperately against mine. I moved my mouth down her body and felt her heart beat speed up as I moved past that fucking hot, pink lace bra, and down below her belly-button. Tasting her in that area made me almost explode in my fucking boxer-briefs, and I was about three seconds from throwing her into the back seat of my car.

_Fuck Jacob._

_At that moment, I could give a monkey's ass if he jumped in the car with us and watched_.

Bella must have been reading my mind, because at that precise moment, she reached down - it had to be awkward with her left hand - and _palmed my dick_.

Again, all I could get out of my mouth was a breathy "shit". In that split second, I decided I was no longer wasting time with her. I flicked the button of her jeans open, yanking the zipper down as quickly as I could. All I could do then was stare, because all be damned if the panties she was wearing didn't match the pink lace bra…exactly.

I couldn't breathe.

I couldn't move closer to her because of the _fucking _console between us, so I let out some aggression on it, wishing somehow it would just crumble away.

Bella responded by immediately reaching into my boxer-briefs and wrapping her hand around my hard dick. Then she licked her lips.

She licked her motherfucking lips and pumped my cock in her hands. I had to slam my head into the headrest to keep from coming all over her hand at that moment.

As soon as I knew what she wanted, I returned the favor by reaching into the pink lace of her panties and slipping a finger down, feeling her hot, wet flesh; then entered her pussy with one finger, before adding another. Her response in and of itself was enough to literally stop my heart, but I continued. I ran my thumb over her clitoris and suddenly, she pulled away.

Of course, I thought I'd done something wrong, but the next thing I knew…_her lips were wrapped around my dick._

The sensation coursed through my body and I could've just as well burst into flames. Every nerve in my body was on full alert and every hair was standing on end from the chills her actions were currently giving me.

I had, once again, forgotten what this felt like…to be so completely turned on to the point that I just wanted to lose control, and tear her clothes off, have my way with her unabashed. But at the same time, the feelings were mixed with an intensity of emotions so strong; I hadn't felt it in _years._

_God, she was so good. _Fucking teasing me by going slowly…then fast on my dick.

And _holy shit_, with her dirty talk - about me 'fucking her mouth.' _For the love of God_. I couldn't take it anymore, and was about to fucking come in her mouth…but I didn't want to do that to her.

Not unless she insisted.

I did happen to remember that she wasn't a big fan of the taste and I couldn't blame her for that. Something told me she would've done it tonight, though. Regardless, I grabbed her head and pulled her from me, smothering her mouth with mine, tasting my pre-cum on her tongue. A second later would've been too late as it seemed, because I only had time to pull my boxer-briefs back over myself before I began to explode. Of course, she knew what to do…her hand immediately on me, pumping it, rubbing until I nearly blacked out from coming so fucking hard, thanks to Bella's mouth…and tongue…and hands.

Then it was her turn.

I pushed her back in the seat and slammed my lips once again to her skin - that fucking jaw that I couldn't get enough of - and she didn't protest as our mouths and tongues met again, tangling together in desperation.

I wanted to return the earth-shattering orgasm she'd given me. It was essential. So I began moving my fingers down the beautiful dips and curves of her body, over the swell of her breasts, running my fingers over her tight nipples and pinching lightly. She moaned and bucked her hips.

_Fuck me. Literally, I was rock-fucking-hard again._

I moved my fingers down over her stomach, circled her belly button and dipped them down, under that pink lace which, even by itself was almost enough to get me off again. I felt her warm, wet sex again and slipped my fingers between her folds, entering her and wishing - as my hard dick reminded me -that it _wasn't _my fingers.

She began to move in rhythm with me and her breathing started to spiral out of control. I almost lost my shit _myself_ as I fought for control. When she started rocking into my fingers faster and faster, I knew she was close.

Suddenly, she said she wanted me inside of her.

_Holy fuck._

I was dying.

I wanted her so badly at that moment, and was about to climb over the godforsaken console to grant her what she wanted, when she abruptly stopped and ripped my fingers from her.

She just stopped.

I didn't understand until I looked into her eyes and saw the tears coming. I saw the horrified look on her face.

Reality struck me.

Carlisle's words rang loud in my head like a siren, a warning of impending doom. _'She's married….she's married….she's married'._

_Oh, Jesus Christ! _

I was dumbfounded, shocked and disgusted with myself for letting it get this far and I tried, to no avail, to make her feel better…to make her stop blaming herself.

I knew she was going to torture herself for this, and I just wanted to take her away. I wanted to take her away from this life…from _him_, but I knew I could never, _ever_ take her away from her kids. That didn't matter to me. I'd take her and the kids.

_Of course I would._

XXXX

So, there I sat, wallowing in a cesspool of self-loathing and wishing I could stop watching her ass as she ran away from my car, from our _sins._

I cursed my dick.

I cursed myself.

I cursed her.

_Why did I have to care about her so fucking much?_

"Goddamn it!" I screamed, alone in my car, and punched the dashboard over and over until my knuckle cracked open and began to bleed.

I stared at the blood running down the back of my hand in silence.

_Wonderful._

I couldn't wait to explain this to whoever decided to be a nosey ass. I mean, normally, a man didn't get bloody knuckles unless the knuckles were used to punch something or someone.

_Jesus, I couldn't stop being a fucking moron tonight._

After a few minutes of gathering myself, and when I felt like I was able to drive without killing myself, I hit the headlights. I'd forgotten what Bella had said when we first pulled in - about not waking up Jake, and quietly pulled out of her driveway. I then took off in the pitch black night and headed toward my apartment. There must have been a new moon or something, because it really was fucking _pitch_ black. I hadn't realized just how dark it was outside, but it was okay.

I liked it.

It matched my heart.

I pondered shit the whole fifteen-minute drive home. When I finally got to my apartment, I was exhausted, both mentally and physically from the events of the evening. Before dragging myself out of my car, I sent her a text.

I could think of nothing to say to make her feel any better, other than "_I'm so sorry," _so that was what I sent her.

How original, just another lame-ass _sorry_.

_I swear to God, around Bella, I am one sorry son-of-a-bitch._

I didn't expect to hear back from her at all, but that didn't stop me from checking my phone like a maniac stalker every five seconds.

I washed up, cleaned up my blood-crusted knuckles, wrapped my hand and crashed.

I had a hard time falling asleep, trying like mad not to think about Bella…or Jake…or Rose…or Carlisle…the list went on and on. I had plans to do _nothing_ but spend the day with my boy the following day, so I _tried _to focus on that.

Finally, I slipped into unconsciousness…the memories of what Bella had done to me…what I had done to her still playing on repeat in my subconscious mind.

XXXX

_**Chapter End Notes: I know, poor Edward. I told you guys he was a self-loathing mofo. Maybe your reviews will make him feel better. Next up, you get to meet Kellan! He's a funny little dude, if I don't say so myself. Okay, reviewers get to spend the night with Docward, healing his broken heart. ;-P**_


	21. Chapter 19 The Riddle

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past**

**Chapter 19, "The Riddle" ~ Five For Fighting**

Edwards POV, continued

_**A/N: Thanks to my fabulous betas, your red pens humble me and make me a better author! Thanks also for your patience, my lovelies. I'm so slow lately! ;-P**_

_**As always, the reviews are fantastic. Thank you to all who are still reading and leaving me your thoughts. You keep me going!**_

_**This one's a glimpse of E's life outside of his constant pining over Bella. Also, wanted to introduce you to Kellan...he's something else! Enjoy**_

_**I don't own the Twilight Characters, they belong to one, Stephenie Meyer. I don't own the songs I use either, duh, they belong to the artists, record labels, blah-biddy-blah. The concept and storyline of Forsaken, however, is mine…so hands off! *smooches***_

XXXX

"_There was a man back in '95,_

_Whose heart ran out of summers, but before he died,_

_I asked him, 'wait, what's the sense in life,_

_Come over me, come over me?'_

_He said, 'son, why you gotta sing that tune?_

_Catch a Dylan song or some eclipse of the moon,_

_Let an angel sing and make you swoon,_

_Then you will see, you will see,'_

_Then he said, 'here's a riddle for you,_

_Find the answer…_

_There's a reason for the world….You and I,'_

_Picked my kid up from school today,_

_Did you learn anything? Cause in the world today,_

_You can't live in a castle far away,_

_Now talk to me, come talk to me,_

_He said, 'Dad, I'm big but we're smaller than small,_

_In the scheme of things, well we're nothing at all,_

_Still every Mother's child sings a lonely song,_

_So play with me, come play with me,_

_And hey Dad, here's a riddle for you,_

_Find the answer…_

_There's a reason for the world….You and I,'_

_I said, 'Son, for all I've told you,_

_When you get right down to the reason for the world,_

_Who am I?'_

_There are secrets that we still have left to find,_

_There have been mysteries from the beginning of time,_

_There are answers we're not wise enough to see,_

_He said, 'You lookin' for a clue? I love you free,_

_The batter swings and the summer flies,_

_As I look into my angel's eyes,_

_A song plays on while the moon is high,_

_Over me…something comes over me,_

_I guess we're big and I guess we're small,_

_If you think about it man, you know we got it all,_

'_Cause we're all we got on this bouncing ball,_

_And I love you free, I love you freely,_

_Here's a riddle for you…find the answer,_

_There's a reason for the world…You and I."_

XXXX

I was awakened about six hours later by my home phone ringing over and over. I cringed when I looked at the caller ID, because it was Rose's house. I was pleasantly surprised, though, after I hesitantly answered the phone…because it was Kellan.

"Sup, Dad?" he said, and I grinned.

_Oh yes, he pretty much thinks he's a little gangster_.

"Hey, little man," I responded, "you ready to hang with your pops today?"

He giggled because, try as I might, I was just completely _un-cool._

We talked about what time I'd be there to pick him up and our plans, which of course included the skate park. He had stated as fact on many occasions how he would be "looking so _sick_ at the X-games, and the _posers_ better just watch out because he was gonna be catching some serious _air _and killin' them with his _kick-flip _and _Indy." _"Then," he'd said, with all the cockiness of a professional, "I'll show them up with my _fakie_. Oh, an' then I'll give them a little taste of my _nollie_ skills and if they _still_ want some more, I'll show them how to do a _rail stand_ the right way."

_He's_ _eight._

Yeah, I pretty much had absolutely no fucking ideawhat any of that meant, but it sounded so cute coming out of his mouth that all I could do was just crack up laughing and make him promise to remember his old man when he was a famous celebrity skate-boarder.

"Oh, yeah," he'd responded. "I could buy your ticket for you Dad!"

Shit, I loved that kid.

I told him I'd be there in about a couple of hours, which seemed to satisfy him, and as I said goodbye - and went to hang up the phone - I heard him say, "Wait, Dad! Here, Mom! Dad's on the phone!"

_Fucking great. It's not enough that I have to subject myself to her presence when I pick him up. Oh no. Now, I have to talk to her on the phone. Peachy._

I should've just hung up the damned thing, played dumb, and pretended I didn't hear him, but I'm sure my son would _then_ have to listen to his mother curse me when I wasn't on the other end of the line. I'd prefer the boy _not_ have to hear what a prick I was.

"So…" she started, in her usual condescending tone. "And how was our evening, _Edward_?"

I rolled my eyes. Stupid nosey bitch.

"Oh, I'm sure you had more fun than I did, Rose," I stated blandly. I really wanted to go the hell off on her for having the gonads to beg my fucking father for money, but I honestly didn't want to deal with her nonsense about Bella and me at that moment.

Until she proceeded, venomously.

"Huh. You don't say. Well that's not what _I_ heard, _love_," as she sarcastically emphasized the last word.

I gritted my teeth and squeezed the phone receiver, wishing it would just shatter in my hands.

"Oh, _really. _And just what did your nosey ass hear…_love?_" I equaled her venomous tone.

Fuck her.

It was none of her business what the hell I did last night. I couldn't help but wonder though, who the bastard snitch was. The succubus continued.

"Gee, I sure hope my _dear_ cousin's hand is alright. You didn't have to amputate, did you, Doctor Ed? Bet it was hard for her to rub your di—"

"Rosalie!" I warned, cutting her off. "Honestly, is that fucking _necessary_ with our son right there? I mean, _Jesus, _could you at least _try_ to show some class? At least in front of the kid?"

I heard her chuckle and my blood pressure hit the roof. I could actually _see_ her in my head rolling her eyes at me.

"Oh, puh-lease Edward,he's in his room getting his things together. Why don't you chill out a little? Hmm?Must have been a long night for you. Did your widdle eyesnot get enough sleep?"

Her voice suddenly turned from sarcasm to abhorrent venom. "Did you fuck her, Edward?"

Rage coursed through me and I thought of about a million different ways to verbally assault her…at the same time wishing somehow, I could electrocuteher dumb ass through the phone line.

"I don't know where you're getting your fucking_ information_ from, Rose, but I can tell you one thing. _Nothing_ that I do, unless it involves our son, is ANY_…_and I meanANY concern of yours."

_I swear to God, if Carlisle so much as breathed that I was there to her, he was going to hear it from me and he was not going to like what I had to say._

"Well," she said, musically, "let's just say, a little birdie contacted me after you were spotted in the elevator. Ha! I just _love_ having eyes and ears at the hospital checking on you…for me."

_What the fuck?_

Then it dawned on me. Fucking son-of-a-bitch weasel, pussy, motherfucker._Oh, perfect. Now I get to kick his ass __and__ have a good reason for it_.

"Oh, is that right?" I seethed, "Tell you what, Rose. Number one, you will _never, ever, _be what Bella was and _is_ to me. Ever_. _Got it? Secondly, since that nasty fucking _scum-bag, _James,either wantsto fuck you, or currently _is, _he'd probably tell you anything you want to hear to get into your pants. And last, but certainlynot least, you ever go to _my _father and ask for money again - because your irresponsible, ignorant ass can't stop fucking shopping for yourself for five minutes to actually _be_ a mother and take care of _our_ son - so help me motherfucking God, I'll have you in court so fast, explaining to the judge that we _share_ custody," I spat. "So, see? I don't _have _to pay you shit. I don't do it for you. I do it for him. You'll get NOTHING else from me. Oh, and since you're so fucking irresponsible, Rosalie, maybe Kel should just live with me and visit you. I'm sure he wouldn't be seeing any less of you than he does right now!" I sucked in a breath because fuck if I hadn't held it to spit all that out.

Silence on the other end of the phone.

I thought the bitch had probably hung up on me until I heard her labored breathing in and out, as if she was trying to collect herself.

Good.

"You're such a pathetic _prick,_" she whispered on her next breath. "Like Bella would _ever_ want you again!"And the next thing she said was barely audible, but it rang through my ears. "Wonder what Jake would think if I told him you and Bella were fu—"

"You'll keep your fucking mouth shut, Rose!" I butted in, "Since you haven't a clue what you're talking about. You fucking bitch! You really just like to try and ruin other people's lives don't you? I swear to _God_, I hear one lie concocted by you and I'll _ruin_ you! Do you understand me? You'll have nothing but your fake ass and plastic tits. You'll be living out of your _motherfucking_ Gucci bag on the street! Oh, and tell your little boyfriend James, I'll be waiting for just the right moment…and then, I'll be greasing the floor with that motherfucker. Not mopping, _greasing_, because that's all he is…a greasy scumbag,"

All I heard next was a sharp intake of breath.

I hit the end button and took my frustrations out on the phone, hurling it against the wall, shattering it. I ran both of my hands through my mess of hair and breathed a quiet "fuck" as I closed my eyes and tried to bring my blood pressure down. I left the mess of mangled plastic and wire on the floor, and traipsed off to the shower.

Of course, because of my temper-tantrum, I had a mess to clean up after the shower, proceeded by a trip to the electronics store to buy a new phone. I couldn't leave the store without picking up the new and improved "Rock-Band" game for Kellan…and me…to share, because he'd been asking for it and even though he hadn't heard me, I felt like a prick for talking to his mother the way I did, as much as she deserved it.

XXXX

It was a peaceful exchange when I arrived at the brownstone _I'd _bought for the succubus and my son. She didn't show her face, and Kellan came out to my car with his backpack slung over his shoulder- packed with clothes that he didn't need because he had a full closet at my apartment - along with a smaller bag full, I'm sure, of his favorite video games. His skateboard was tucked tightly under his little arm. I jumped out and grabbed the skateboard and backpack, tossing them into the trunk as he hopped in the front seat and, as usual, began flipping through the stations.

When I got back into the car, I turned to him and breathed a silent sigh of relief, looking him over. _The light at the end of my very dark tunnel._ It was getting close to lunch-time, so I quirked an eyebrow at him.

"You hungry, little man?"

His eyes lit up and he blurted out, "Pizza!"

I chuckled under my breath. Oh yes, we loved our Chicago-style pizza. We headed for our favorite pizza place…the one we always went to…and proceeded to indulge.

I felt famished and fatigued, needing to fill the hole inside me with something. Pizza was as good as anything, I guessed. Even though I held back a little, Kellan's four pieces had nothing on me as I scarfed down almost the whole, large, deep-dish we shared between us. After that, it was off to the skate park.

My boy, the professional skater that he was,tried to teach me some moves, but after about the fifth time of me nearly falling on my ass, he lost patience.

Rolling his eyes, he stated bluntly, "Dude, you're too old. You're gonna hurt yourself."

I laughed out loud and _man_, it felt good_. _It felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Kel's return laughter made it even better and I'd almost forgotten about my cluster-fuck of a night - almost.

I'd have been a big fucking liar if I said I didn't let Bella creep back into my thoughts every so often. When those thoughts came back, my stalker-tendencies came back as well and I'd check my phone…like an idiot. Each time that would happen, I'd verbally assault myself internally, telling myself to stop being such a fucking pussy and just let her go.

_It's not like you had her again and lost her, you moron, _I told myself. _She's not yours, she doesn't love you, nor will she ever. Not to mention she's fucking married, so suck it up, get over yourself, quit being a pansy-ass motherfucker and focus your attention on your son. _

As I was staring at my phone, sitting on the sofa later that evening and berating myself, I heard an annoyed Kellan huff, "Dad," but I ignored it, still lost in my internal ass-chewing.

"Dad…._DAD!_"

I couldn't ignore that. I could hear the down-right petulance in his tone, which would - if continually ignored - turn into a full on conniption.

"What, Kel?" I asked, playing dumb.

"Geesh, Dad, what's up with you and your phone? Are you gonna, like, _marry it_ or something?" He snorted, rolling his golden eyes.

"Oh, sorry, little man." I smiled apologetically. "I was just, um, trying to check my e-mail. Did you need something?"

"Need something? Pfft!"he scoffed. "A cell phone for starters. I didn't know you could get _email_ on cell phones. I know about the games. Mom plays games on hers all the time. Let me see that thing," and he swiped his hand toward my phone as I held it above my head and quirked an eyebrow at him.

"Mm-mm, I don't think so, kid. It's not a toy, Kellan." I smirked and shook my head.

"Oh, _Dude_!" he whined. "That's _so not fair_! How come I can't have _anything_!Mom says I'm too young for a cell phone…" He rolled his eyes. "And I don't need to be calling _girls_ right now…UGH!"Then he curled up his little nose as if he smelled something putrid. "Gross! I wouldn't call girls anyway_. _Man, this _sucks_!" He scowled as he crossed his tiny little arms across his chest and pursed his lips. I couldn't help the belly-laugh that escaped me, but I coughed and cleared my throat, trying to stifle it, and then conjured up my best '_disapproving-dad'_ face and voice.

"Hey, language, young man," I scolded. "And besides that, dude, you're eight.I agree with your mother." _Amazingly enough._ "You _are _a bit young, _little _man. Give it a few years and I'll bet ya a twenty, you'll definitely be calling some hot chicks on your cell then!" I chuckled.

"Gross, Dad!" he whined. "Besides, twenty's nothing." He rolled his eyes again - fucking looked like his Mom when he did that shit. "So, make it a hundred, and you're on."

My jaw fell open for a split second until I remembered who his fucking mother was. Yeah, I'm sure a twenty _was_ nothing as far as her ass was concerned. Nice. She was making _my_ son as superficial as she was.

"So," he interrupted my loathsome thoughts concerning his succubus of a mother. "You want to watch a movie? I brought one." And he smiled in a cheesy way, making my contempt melt away once again.

"How about…" I answered. "We watch a movie later before bed, but right now, let's test your skills on…" I raised my eyebrows and reached behind the couch with Kellan looking confused. "Rock Band!"

He squealed. "Oh, Dad! You got it! Sweet! You _rock, _Dad!" he said, bouncing up and down.

"Oh, I _know_ I rock, but we'll see if you can handle it. You've got skills on the skateboard, _but_ not many can hang with me on the guitar, you know!"

He sneered, and plopped on the sofa nonchalantly shrugging his shoulders as he looked at me and simply said, "Bring it," which elicited a fit of laughter from me.

And the war began.

Later that night, things had calmed down a bit. Little dude beat me on _Rock Band_, of course because I let him, and we were just chilling. I was sprawled out on the sofa, catching a bit of a power nap, and he was sitting in the recliner, multitasking. He was watching the Disney Channel, and quite seriously trying to beat his own 'high-score' playing some game on his Nintendo DS_. _As I drifted in and out of sleep, my thoughts were overcome by the previous night's events and I was allowing Bella to seep back into me. I wanted so badly to try and contact her again, but continued to swallow the urge, trying to convince myself that it was a _terrible_ idea.

"So," my boy interrupted the thoughts of her. "We gonna watch a movie or what?"

I smiled. He was such a smart-ass, but too damned cute to punish for it.

"Sure, Kiddo," I chirped as I sat up and rubbed my face. "Let's see what you got." I held out my hand and he placed the movie case in it, grinning from ear to ear. "Let's _do _this thing!" I announced. "We are sooooo going to watch…" I looked at the title of the movie…_fuck. _"Um, Harry Potter!"I plastered a smile on my face and tried to sound enthusiastic about it, though I've never been a big fan of 'fantasy.' I mean, after all, I wasa doctor. Science. Fact. That was my thing, but for my eight-year-old son, that night, I was going to be the biggest fucking _Harry Potter _fan around.

"Don't forget the popcorn," he said musically and grinned.

I gasped in mock surprise. "Whoa, dude, you saved the day. I _seriously_ almost forgot the popcorn."

As I threw the bag in the microwave and started it, he pulled out a big bowl from the cabinet and sat it on the counter. Then, looking as if he was about to bust at the seams, shrieked, "Woohoo!"He started dancing around, fists balled up and doing the funniest version of the 'cabbage patch' I have _ever_ seen, chanting, "Oh yeah, Harry Potter, and some popcorn, gonna watch it, with my Dad, oh yeah, uh-huh, that's right, oh yeah…"

I fucking laughed so hard, I thought I was going to pee myself. We'd eaten dinner a couple hours prior…guy food_…_so I wasn't worried about us snacking on popcorn.I had whipped up some pigs-in-a-blanket, mac and cheese and tater-tots. _Whatever. _He would be here for almost five days. I plannon on making him eat some healthy shit later.

XXXX

I didn't realize, until an hour and a half later - and Kellan was out cold with his head on my lap - that it was _only_ halfway through the movie. _Jesus Christ_, that damned thing was over three hours long. Thank goodness he was asleep, because I'd had all I could take of fucking ten-year-old witches and shit. So I carefully got up, turned the long ass movie off and carried Kellan up to his room. He stirred and mumbled something that incoherently sounded like one of the stupid spells from the movie when I laid him in his bed, but within seconds there was silence - except for the sound of his steady, deep-sleep breathing. I kissed his forehead, tucked the covers around him, and snuck out of his room.

I hadn't gotten so much as five feet from Kel's room when I heard my hospital pager going off in the kitchen.

_Fuck. What now?_

I hurried up and got down to the kitchen, located my pager and checked it. There were no details really, just a quick message that read "_Call Heidi STAT."_

"Fucking great," I mumbled and ran my hands through my hair. I wasn't even on-call, but if my number one nurse was paging me to call her stat, there was _definitely_ a legitimate problem with one of my patients.

Heidi was the best RN on my team and the one I'd known the longest, so she wouldn't have been contacting me for some minor bullshit. I picked up my cell and dialed.

"Yes, this is Doctor Cullen," I stated when a nurse answered the line. "I received a page from Heidi. Apparently, there's a situation?"

"Yes, doctor," the sweet voice said, which I didn't recognize - must've been a new one or something, possibly a student-nurse - you just never knew around that place. "One moment, please."

In less than three seconds, Heidi was on the other end of the line.

"Hey Doc." She sounded a little stressed. Bad sign.

"Hey Heids, what's going on? Who's starting shit with my best nurse tonight?" I said warmly, which drew a light-hearted, but nervous sounding giggle from her.

"Oh just your everyday, run-of-the-mill sixteen-year-old, eight months pregnant mouthy little girl…who's in here being a pain in the butt, _and _has thrown herself into pre-term labor because neither she nor her _mother_ followed the directions of her _fabulous _doctor. Just _that." _She took a deep breath and sighed.

"Lauren," I said without question. "Shit. I should have known she would end up in this situation. _Perfect._"

Lauren was a patient of mine. Actually, she was the daughter of a regular patient, so it was only natural that she would start seeing me when the time came. The problem was that I was never introduced to Lauren until her mother brought her in one day…frazzled and in need of a pregnancy test. So obviously,Mom never brought her in for birth control. When the test came back positive, I thought I was going to have to call security and have both of their asses kicked out of my office. Because it was so hard to believe that her teenage daughter was having sex,apparently. I could've lost my mind; this was what I had to hear every fucking time I had an appointment with her.

I just loved hearing how Lauren, being the only child of her uppity, holier-than-thou parents, was the princess. She got what she wanted, got to _do_ what she wanted, and drove a BMW, but not just any. This little girl drove a fucking Z-4 series 30i Convertible. Seriously, it sort-of reminded me of someone I knew. Spoiled, superficial, and full of herself.

Nevertheless, Mom and Dad had big plans for their little princess. They had decided to send her off to an Ivy League college, probably pushing her into pre-law or something. I think that was what "Daddy" did in the city. Lauren, on the other hand, apparently had different plans for herself. _She _wanted to be a famous movie star - like every other girl her age; she wanted to party all the time - her first urine sample showed traces of marijuana - and she wanted to skip school - _a lot._ I suppose her status as head cheerleader, along with Mommy and Daddy's bank roll, allowed her to get away with pretty much _anything _at school. So went the age-old story of parents covering up for their spoiled, irresponsible children.

I really prayed I wouldn't be _that _kind of dad to Kellan. I already knew how his mom was, and the kid certainly didn't need two flakey fuckers for parents.

Apparently - and this was _so cliché,_ but - I guess Lauren met this bad boy from the 'wrong side of town' who helped her exacerbate her already destructive behavior. She started having sex with him, of course, unbeknownst to her clueless parents who were completely in denial. Lo and behold,she ended up in my office, knocked up by Mr. Badass,and Mom and Dad were literally _floored._ Actually, I was pretty sure _Dad _was completely unaware of the situation until she and Mom could no longer hide her protruding belly.

Now, why I was a privy to all this information was beyond me. Apparently because, on top of being Edward M. Cullen, Ob-Gyn, I was also, I guess, their motherfucking family counselor. Oh, how I would've loved for it to be time for this baby to be born so that I would be rid of this little snot…and her mother, for that matter. At least for the next several weeks and then, only once a year, I hoped.

On the other hand, I was not fucking happy. Because for one – yes – she was in her eighth month, but only barely. The baby's lungs were under developed. She'd gained way too much weight, had developed pregnancy-induced hypertension, and was at an extremely high risk for pre-eclampsia, which - of course - could progress into eclampsia or toxemia. I put her ass on bed rest two fucking months ago and told her idiotmother to make sure she did just that. Of course, I might as well have said that to a brick wall, because not only did Mom decide she was going to punish her and make her do household chores, _Lauren_ decided she was going to do an exercise class for pregnant women…to try and 'get inshape'! That would've been great on any _other _occasion, but not when your fucking doctor specifically told you to stay off of your feet. Christ, obviously common sense did not run in that family. Not to mention Mom decided she needed some 'girl-time,' and allowed her to venture out with her friends.

Oh, and by the way, Bad-Boy disappeared once he found out he was going to need to grow up soon.

_So fucking textbook._

Of course, my feelings on the subject were indicative of an adult who understood responsibility, and who knew no greater pleasure than being a father. Still, I couldn't imagine running out on my obligations. I had made mistakes, but that…_that_ would be one that would definitely catch up to you someday.

Having said that, I suppose the fact that he was eighteen and she was sixteen, as well as her parents' threat of statutory rape charges, _could've_ had something to do with it. It really was seriously just a cluster-fuck, the end result of which was what I'd tried to avoid…Lauren, in the damned hospital…trying to have a baby…_too fucking early._

"Well," Heidi replied. "It's not a dire emergency yet, Doc. I just wanted to make you aware of what's going on since this could get ugly and fast. I just needed you to be on alert." She sighed.

"Alright, Heids, then tell me exactly what's going on and when she came in." I braced myself because usually Heidi under dramatizedthings to try _not_ to create a panic, as opposed to over-dramatizing.

I was silently making plans in my head to call Esme and keep heron alert for the duration that _I _was on alert. She could come stay with Kel if need be, until I got this shit straightened out at the hospital. There was no way in fucking hell I was taking that kid back to his mother tonight. First of all, I was pretty sure she wouldn't be home, because she took full advantage of being without her son when she didn't have him. And secondly, even if by some off chance that she _was_ home, I certainly didn't feel at all like listening to her bitch.

"Okay," Heidi started, "she just got here about thirty minutes ago. So after hooking her up to everything, we've been monitoring her for about twenty."

I heard her take in a breath, to get all of the information out to me quickly.

"So far, her BP is slightly elevated, above what it's been anyway, at one-sixty over one-oh-two. We haven't given her any Mag. Sulfate just yet because…"

I interrupted, "Yeah, let's just see if it comes back down with her _actually _resting like she's supposed to. Also, to see if the labor slacks off because the Mag. Sulfate could possibly help with both."

"Duh, I know that," she said with a snicker, and yes, I knew that she knew. My mouth just got a little ahead of me, so I chuckled. "Sorry, Miss _Know-It-All_, please continue."

She laughed thattime. "Alright, well, her respirations and pulse both seem to be fine. Baby looks good right now. Pulse is one-fifty and steady, a few dips with contractions, but nothing out of the ordinary. We turned Mom on her left side to help with those dips. Contractions right now are quite far apart and she's barely dilated, probably a one to two at this point, but her cervix is catching the hint and is about, I'd say, fifty percent effaced. The only problem we seem to be having with her at this point - other than her attitude, which we're used to - is her pain level. We just gave her something, Stadol_,_ to take the edge off, even though on paper the contractions don't seem to be spiking all that high, because after ten minutes of her dramatics, she was disrupting the other patients."

I sighed because I'd expected to hear just that.

"I mean, she _is _a very dramatic sixteen-year-old girl, so we should've anticipated this level of drama. I'm only concerned about when she actually _does_ have serious labor and of course the delivery. She's going to sound like a banshee!" Heidi continued. "Oh, and then there's the issue with her _Mother_."

I gritted my teeth. _Fuck. _Sometimes I thought that woman was more ridiculous and dramatic than her teenage daughter. Apple doesn't fall far from the tree, I suppose.

"What's going on _there_," I asked cautiously.

"Well," she continued softly. I could tell she was trying to be quiet. "Typical mother/teenager-type arguments but, inappropriate for the situation in my opinion."

"Like…" I questioned, trying to lead her.

"Just…oh, _nothing_."

"Heidi, as her doctor I need to know what's going on,"I warned.

"_Fine, _but you're going to get angry," she retorted.

"_Heidi…" _I was getting annoyed. "I really don't give a shit. Just _tell_ me for Christ's Sake!"

She proceeded to tell me how Lauren's mother was bitching about Lauren leaving her room a mess and her laundry wasn't done; how _she's_ not going to be cleaning up after her and if she was going to _have _to stay home from school, doctors orders or not, she was going to _earn_ her keep_. _Heidi was accurate in her prediction of my reaction, because I was _pissed_. Was this woman completely insane?I was beginning to seriously consider giving her the name of a psychiatrist…one that could prescribe her some adequate meds for whatever-the-fuck mental disease she had. Heidi was silent as I ranted, my own blood pressure steadily increasing.

"Does she fucking _realize _she's putting her daughter and that baby's lives at risk? IDIOT! She's _supposed _to have been on bed-rest and she obviously _hasn't _because her _Mom_ is a fucking_ moron_! Damn it!Oh, you just wait until I get there. I'll be telling _Mommy-fucking-Dearest_ exactly how I feel about her parenting skills. You know, it's probably a good thing this _isn't _an emergency at the moment because…I'd…ugh! I wonder if Mom's ever considered having her vocal cords removed_._ If so, I'd be happy to fucking oblige!"I spat, suddenly realizing I'd raised my voice and hoping I hadn't awakened Kellan. I also realized at that moment, that someone - namely Heidi - was actually _hearing_ my melt-down.

"Shit. Sorry, Heids," I said apologetically.

She just snickered. "No worries, Doc. However, you might need to curb that language a tad, if and when we need you here."

I half-chuckled in my embarrassment, trying unsuccessfully to muster up some comic relief within myself, "I know, _duh, _right?" bringing forth a girlish giggle from my normally very professional nurse.

We wrapped up the conversation. Heidi, of course, agreed to contact me immediately with any changes and to give me updates every half hour. When I hung up the phone, I crept back up to Kellan's room to check on him, which confirmed that my damned temper had not stirred him, then traipsed back down to the phone and picked it up. I had to put Esme on alert in case things turned ugly and I needed to go. These were the unsavory tasks I'd gotten used to through my years in the medical field, but particularly in Labor and Delivery. That shit could definitely get crazy and at fucking lightning , I took a deep breath because I really hated putting my mom out like that. It had been a while since I needed her like this and hopefully I really wouldn't need her tonight. I truly hoped she wasn't indisposed at the moment. Like I said, calling Rose would be the very last resort. Besides, I knew Esme could handle situations such as this. Being married to a physician, she had also become used to the late night issues.

"Ok, sweetheart," she said to me in her usual, loving way. "I understand. Just give me about twenty minutes and I'll be over. I'll just catch a nap on the sofa and you let me know if you need to head out."

XXXX

Esme, of course, ended up spending the night at my place, as gracious as she always was when there ended up being no dire emergency all night. She crashed on the sofa, like she said she would, but not before chewing my ear off about taking her famous Lasagna Florentine over for Bella and her family. Carlisle's suggestion, no doubt, since she'd broken her hand. The slight raise of her eyebrow when she talked about her broken hand didn't escape my attention either. She gushed about how beautiful Bella still was,_ especially _after having twins, she pointed out. She talked and talked about how cute her damned kids were, like I really wanted to hear all that shit.

She gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and squeezed Kel, smothering him with "Nana kisses" before she left, reminding me as she walked out the door, that she was just a phone call away. Kellan had already asked, not in these exact words, why the hell Nana was there when he woke up the next morning, so I had to offer up a shortened version of the situation. I explained that ultimately Dad had a patient who basically wasn't taking care of herself, or her baby, and I was worried I might have to go to the hospital during the night while he slept. A feeling of pride washed over me as he bluntly stated, "I'm glad you called Nana, Dad. I'm not ready to go back to Mom's yet."

I felt sad for him at the same time, but I knew he didn't understand the gist of the fact that his Mom was a complete _ass_, just that he liked to hang with his Dad. I focused on that, repeating to myself that a boy does need his father and, as I watched Esme leave, I was reminded of what a lucky bastard I really was. It made me appreciate Carlisle and my mom even more.

Heidi had kept me posted all night, like I'd asked her to, and I caught some cat-naps in between her calls…laying my phone on my stomach - set to vibrate so not to wake the sleeping. By the time the sun came up, I was pretty much ass-tired. Slowly, her stats went back to as normal as they could, and her labor all but stopped -huge relief. I refused to let them discharge her though, and planned to run by the hospital to see about her myself before I let her dumb little ass go home.

Kel was elated. He would be hanging out with Granddad for a bit, who toted him around the hospital like a prize, showing off his grandson to his staff and various patients.

Kellan ate it all up too.

I took my time, frying up some eggs for the boy and his favorite…pancakes with blueberries, strawberries and whipped cream. I tried to avert my attention from the pancake toppings - which fucking reminded me of Bella - and we both scarfed down our food like we hadn't eaten in weeks. He jumped in the shower (He actually said that to me, "Hey Dad, I'm going to 'jump' in the shower." _Oh yeah, he's eight, all independent and shit_),then I followed suit. I checked my hand thoroughly, bending and stretching it, pressing on it and cringing. I came to two conclusions: that it wasn't broken, and once again, that I was a stupid motherfucker_. _We were then off to the hospital.

Carlisle gave me a pointed look after he tore his eyes from my scabbed knuckles, and I just furrowed my brow and shook my head at him subtly…silently telling him to back the fuck off_. _I knew that wouldn't be the end of it. He was my father after all, and a nosey one at that.

Kellan was grinning from ear to ear as he grabbed Carlisle's hand and exclaimed, "C'mon, Granddad! Let's go _talk_ to people!" And yanked on him.

Carlisle chuckled and simply said, "Alright, alright." He offered me a hasty, "Talk to _you_ later, Son," and I just nodded my head in understanding. Yep, not much got past that man…eyes of a surgeon and all that shit_. _

"Um, I'll miss you too, little man." I snorted sarcastically, and Kellan broke his grasp on Carlisle just long enough to bounce over to me, give me a quick bear-hug, and bound out of the room, Carlisle in tow.

I made my way to Labor and Delivery and greeted Heidi as she was waiting for me when I got there. A work-a-holic, that girl was. I don't think she ever slept. She filled me in on the latest of what had become the_ Lauren Saga_, as she rolled her eyes. She explained to me that she was back to her chipper little self. I sucked in a breath as I knocked and opened the hospital room door, trying to hide my irritation and be as pleasant as I could be. Of course, I was bombarded immediately by Lauren's whiney bullshit.

"Doctor Ed, I'm really uncomfortable. I hate lying in this bed. These…strappy-thingies are too tight. Can I take them off? God, the nurses are so stupid!"

This was followed by her excruciatingly annoying fucking mother echoing her every word; her eyes rolling over my body looking as if she wanted to lick me from head to toe. That woman gave me the creeps on top of being annoying as fuck.

"Yes, Doctor, she's very uncomfortable. When do you think we can go home? She's had to put up with a lot, you know."

Fucking bizarre relationship those two had, I swear. One minute, they wanted to kill each other. The next, they were on exactly the same delusional page. I tried to explain, with as little sarcasm as I could possibly maintain, that the reason she was uncomfortable probably had to do with the fact that she was sixteen and eight months pregnant. I also tried to explain that those elastic _strappy-thingies_, as she so intelligently put, were extremely important and were to remain on, until _I_ said they could come off.

Furthermore, I explained, which I couldn't believe I _had_ to, that this sort of thing would happen every time she chose to go against my orders and remain on her feet until she gave birth to this baby girl. Who was, by the way, my first priority. I didn't necessarily disclose that to the jackass or her mother, but the baby was being adopted - _thank God _- and I would do everything within my power to make sure the adoptive parents got their little girl. I was normally torn on the subject, though. Working in Chicago…you name it, I'd seen it.

Crack babies, one and two-pounders that end up brain damaged, and the poor adoptive parents that had to deal with the after effects…birth mothers who changed their minds…then the ones that used adoption as a means of birth control. It was sad, but true. I had a patient one time, soon after I entered this field, who had three pregnancies in three years…all adopted course, my opinion came mainly from experience. What I should've been basing it on was the fact that I myself was adopted.

Carlisle and Esme couldn't have children…and boom, there I was. The son of a strung out prostitute, who didn't even know who her baby's father was. I was no better than any of those babies, see. Each one of them was a part of me. I just felt bad for their parents because I knew what I'd put mine through. Nothing earth-shattering, but I would say I was a little more fucking wild than your average teenage aspiring musician, snorting and fuckingwhatever I could get my hands on. I was as shocked as my parents were, I assume, that I never got some hideous STD or knocked someone up before my mid-twenties…and before Rose came along.

"Okay, Doctor _Ed_." Lauren broke into my thoughts, irritating me with the way she said _Doctor Ed_, like that goddamned horse or something. "So, when can I go home?"

I completely ignored the princess from hell, and turned to her mother, giving her a very stern warning. "We're keeping her one more night. I'll let her go in the morning _if _things are the same or better than now. But, I have to tell you Mrs. Mallory, your daughter's life, as well as the life of this baby, is in _your_ hands at this point." She gasped as I said this, but I didn't falter. "I'm I say bed rest, that's what I mean. No going out, no housework, no laundry. Understood?"

She agreed, still eye-fucking me - which all but triggered my gag reflex - and I got the _fuck_ out of there, pissed that they had wasted precious time I had with my son.

I snatched him away from Carlisle, who apparently had given him some, according to Kellan, cool surgical stuff. This "cool" stuff consisted of nail clippers, small scissors, gauze wrapping and tweezers. Kellan exclaimed with pride that he would be amputating some limbs from his army guys.

"Sweet, Carlisle," I stated dryly and rolled my eyes. "My kid's cutting arms and legs off of dolls, thanks to you."

I got a hearty laugh out of Carlisle before he glanced again at my scabbed knuckles. _That conversation was not happening. _So with that, I patted Kel on the behind, scooting him toward the door and we were out_._ _Nope, no awkward conversations for me today. _

Kel chatted my ear off about the assholes in Carlisle's office, thankfully not mentioning James the fuckhead, and I just had to laugh at his enthusiasm. I realized, ironically, how great it must've been to not know the dark side of the world we lived in. To have the innocence and excitement of a child to not realize that some of the people you think are the greatest, are really - some of them anyway - _heinous _monsters.

XXXX

The next couple of days went off without a hitch. I hung out with my boy. We did our father-sonthing and ate more pizza, got dirty, and thankfully did _not_ watch anymore Harry Potter. He settled for Transformers - a little more manly, if you ask me - but it was earlier to bed since he had school, which I drove him to and from.

Soon, winter would rear its ugly head in Chicago, so we spent Tuesday evening shopping. I ended up getting him some very stylish snow boots, a snow suit, gloves, hat, the whole shebang. All of which, I might add, would remain at my place…along with the surgical instruments and soldier amputees_._

I was blissful. We were in our own world.

Well, we _were_ in our own world, that is, until my cell rang while we were out shopping. I looked at my phone, realizing it was Emmett, and picked it up.

I would regret that move.

"Dude," Em stated as per usual.

"What's going on, man?" I responded nonchalantly.

"Where the hell have you been, dude? You alive? I started to think you were fucking _dead!_" He exclaimed.

"Well, drama queen," I said, sarcastically. "I have a life and a kid, and I've been hangin' with him for a few days. Why?"

"Oh, _shit, _man, sorry. I forgot you had little man this week. Oh, Man! You didn't hear, then, did you?" he blurted, his laughter taking control.

This irritated me.

"Em, what the fu—? Ugh. What's so funny?" I corrected myself as Kellan raised his eyebrow at my almost slip. _Little shit. _

"Dude, Jake lost his fucking mind, man!" he continued, still laughing.

I let out an irritated sigh. Not exactly the person I wanted to hear about or talk about for that matter_._

"Emmett. I don't give a sh— I don't care. Hopefully he's in a padded cell then. Can we talk about this later?"

"No, dude, listen. It's a quick story." He didn't even give me the chance to protest before he dove into it. "Remember that whole _stripper-gate _shit a long time ago?" he asked, enthusiastically.

"How could I forget?" I spoke through my teeth.

"Well, this is that times fucking _ten_, hehe!" _Again with the fucking laughing_. "So, he was so fucking pissed after you and Bella left, that he was breathing fire, right?"

I didn't respond.

"So, he starts drinking straight Jager shots, and talks _Uley_ and Jazz's drunk asses into going to that dive we used to go to fucking ten years ago. What the fuck is the name of that place…uh…Aro's! Remember that place?"

I fucking cringed. "Again, Emmett, how could I forget? I still have nightmares. How is that place even still open?"

"Oh," he said in realization. "Victoria worked there…shit!"

"Ok, Emmett, moving right along, damn it!"

Kellan slapped his hand over his mouth then and I rolled my eyes.

"Well, I went along, ya know, to supervise, and DUDE, he was out of control! Groping and grabbing the hookers. Tried to kiss _several_ of them. Finally, flashed some C-Notes at a couple of them and they went in the back with him. Next thing I know, the girls are yelling and screaming at him and the bouncers were on him like flies on shit! Took three of those huge roided-out fuckers to throw him out the door! He's screaming the whole way out. Dude, he even said _fuck_ a couple times!"

He burst into a full on belly-laugh.

"_Jesus_, Emmett, that's hilarious," I hissed in a snarky tone. "Anything else_?_"

"Fuck yeah, dude! He starts pulling out this slip of paper when we get his crazy-ass in the Hummerfinally, blabbering about how he got this chick's number…one of the strippers!"

_Duh_, I thought, as my blood pressure began to rise. At that point, I wasn't sure which was worse, having to hear about 'Captain Douche' or the fact that Emmett always had to name drop the fucking Hummer that he thought was the greatest thing since he discovered hair on his balls.

"Then, he insists that _Uley_ take him home, but you know how _that _shit the last time he got shit-faced and left with Uley? Only this time…the girl wasn't with him in the flesh…just on paper, but _still! _I don't really trust that Samwould've taken him straight home, do you?"

_Fuck. That was just perfect. _I wanted to strangle Emmett for bringing this to my attention at all_. God_, he was so much like a fucking woman with his gossiping it made me insane.

"Emmett," I said very slowly enunciating every syllable. "I don't know and I don't care."

"Well, damn, Edward. Didn't you take Bells home? Was Jake there?"

_Are you fucking kidding me right now?_

"_Jesus Christ_, Emmett, I didn't fu— Ugh! I didn't walk her to the door and _present_ her to him."

_No, I didn't, I damn-near fucked her in my car._

"How the HELL should I know?" I pulled the phone from my ear, "Kellan, uncover your ears! Geez, 'hell' is not that bad of a word!" He scowled at me. _Little Mr. Perfect. _"Emmett." I sighed, trying to calm myself, "I have no idea if he was home. If he was, he was asleep…or whatever. I didn't even see a light on." I lied, because I didn't even see much of the house. "Now, I really, _really_ don't want to hear about this right now. Can we talk about this l-a-t-e-r?" I said again, slowly and deliberately.

"Fine, _fuck_! Crabby fucker.I'm doing some damned investigating on this shit, though. I want to know what the fuck went down with all that," he said matter-of-factly.

"Ok, Em, you do that," I said and rolled my eyes. "Maybe you'll forget to tell me what you find out there, _detective_."

"Fuck you, Dude. I'll talk to you later," he said and I hung up.

_Perfect. There goes my mood._

We finished up our shopping and headed home. I tried to shake off the feeling of rage I had each time Jake's drunken face flashed in my head as I listened to my eight-year-old lecture me on my colorful language. I made up for it by picking up some Chinese take-out from _Lan's_, one of our favorites, and let him kick my ass in some Guitar Herobattles. Of course, he strutted around like he was Mick Jagger or some shit and made me laugh.

_Man, I could always count on that kid._

XXXX

Taking him back to his mom on Wednesday evening was, of course, brutal but uneventful…with the exception of _me_ wanting to punch _her_ in the face when she tried to smile and make nice with me. She was just such a fake bitch; it was almost painful to watch_. _I gave my boy a long bear-hug and swallowed the lump in my throat, then took my ass home.

I needed to think…to clear my head. So I threw on my gym clothes, grabbed my iPod and nearly blew my eardrums out with some old-school Beastie Boys.'Licensed to Ill' was one of the best motherfucking albums _ever_ made. Fuck was how I felt.

Two and a half hours later, I was so fucking exhausted; I ripped my dripping wet shirt off and just tossed it in the Jacuzzi tub. I planned to clean that shit later, but probably not before it stunk up the bathroom.I grabbed my towel and tried to dry myself a little, then collapsed onto my bed, breathing slowing and trying to bring my heart rate back to normal. I needed to relax.

All of a sudden, my fucking cell phone started violently vibrating on my dresser, scaring the absolute piss out of me, and I shot up off of my bed.

"Shit!" I breathed as I grabbed my phone, blew out another breath, closed my eyes, and prayed that it wasn't something about Lauren. When I looked at the text, my heart stopped.

_Are u off this weekend? ~B_

I stumbled backward until my legs hit the edge of the bed, forcing me to sit. Well, fuck me very much if it wasn't from Bella.

I hesitated to respond, but it only took a split second for the conversation I'd had with Emmett to scream back into my head. Then, my thumbs just took over.

_Yes. ~E_

I sent the text back, then smacked myself in the head and said "Shit!" out loud, quickly sending a second text…

_Well, I'm on call but no big deal. _

_Oh. _She responded

_Why? _I sent back, hoping it didn't come across as smug, then waited…and waited…and started pacing like an idiot.

My fucking phone scared me again when it buzzed in my palm and I jumped.

_Can u meet me on Saturday?_

F-u-c-k. She wanted to meet me. My dick twitched and I cursed it.

_Where's HE gonna be?_

I was sure _that _sounded smug, but hoped she would still respond. This time it was immediate.

_Vegas. Parts convention. So Saturday?_

I almost lost my shit before responding.

_Sure, where?_

Again, I had to wait _forever_ until my phone buzzed again.

_Millennium Park. The monument?_

A park? My heart sank… public. Guess she wasn't planning to finish what we…started. I disgusted myself with my Neanderthal-like thoughts, but I couldn't fucking help it_._

_Bella, what's this about?_

I had to ask…to know what I was walking into. Again, with the waiting. I was losing it.

_Just need to talk to u. 4pm?_

I sighed. Of course I would be there with fucking bells on, and of course I would get no further clues until Saturday at four.

_Sure, I'll be there._

I pushed 'send' and she responded quickly.

_Ok. See u then._

And that was it. My head was swimming. I knew it had something to do with the other night and my stomach was in my throat because…do I get a glimmer of hope up at all, or prepare to be told she never wanted to see me again? Regardless, my traitorous dick was rock hard again at just the mere thought of her _and_ the flashes of the other night in my car. So, I had to take care of shit on my own in the shower. Remembering what it was like to be with her when I actually _was_ with her so many years ago and recalling the events that took place in my car the other night, was enough to make me come so fucking hard that I thought I might collapse right there in the shower.

Thursday came and went like a blur. I talked to no one, practically did nothing but gave my apartment a bit of a cleaning and took care of some laundry. My mind, however, was elsewhere…cluttered with worrisome thoughts and confusing emotions. The things that I wanted to say to her were streaming through my head like raging rivers.

Friday, my mood shifted. Suddenly, I didn't care what she wanted to see me about. I was just completely stoked to even see her. Because, apparently I was, in fact, a complete moron_._ I got out my guitar, dusted it off, and played a little…sang a little…started on a new song because for the first time in what seemed like a century, I was inspired.

I had turned my phone back to 'ring-mode' as opposed to vibrate since I was on call, but willed it not to ring…and it didn't.

It didn't, that is, until my pager started going off around ten pm…followed immediately by my cell blowing up. Hoping it was a coincidence, I grabbed my pager first.

It read, '_call Heidi STAT. re: Lauren'._

My heart sank into my stomach.I grabbed my cell, which was still ringing and picked it up. The caller ID showed a number which I recognized as one of the hospital lines. I hit 'send' and spoke instinctively.

"Heidi?"

"Thank God, you answered Doc. You need to get here and fast."She sounded worried and stressed. She was my rock at work, so if she was worried and stressed, so was I, _instantly._

"I'm on call, Heidi. Of course I'd answer. What's going on?"

She took a deep breath and I, in turn, braced myself.

"Lauren's on route here via ambulance…"

"AMBULANCE?" I interrupted.

"Yes. Dispatch said her BP has skyrocketed…and she's seizing. She's running a fever, and the baby is in distress. Last I heard, the heart beat was detectible but faint and too slow to mean anything good."

"SHIT!"I exclaimed, my eyes darting around the room to locate my keys, wallet and hospital badge. I ran to my bedroom and slipped my 'doc' shoes on. I was still in my jeans and that was going to have to do. Emergency situations really didn't give a shit about waiting until you were properly dressed to cause a fuck-load of problems. I grabbed my lab coat out of the closet and ran back to the kitchen, scooping up my wallet and badge. The last thing I grabbed were my keys before sprinting toward the door. Fuck the jacket. I didn't have time to worry about freezing my ass off tonight.

"I'll be there in five minutes, Heidi! You make sure whatever ER doctor that's there knows I'm coming and I want her taken straight…and I mean _straight_ to L and D. I want _no_ fucking around here, Okay? Have the OR prepped. We have no time to deal with her fucking Mom right now! She's going straight into surgery. We have to get that baby out and by the grace of God, _somehow_, try and keep them both alive. Understood?" I was completely out of breath at this point.

"Yes, Doc, I'm on it already," she replied quickly.

My mind was racing…my heart beating out of my chest as I slammed the door behind me. I flung the car door open and jumped inside, literally.

"Oh my God,"I whispered under my breath. "This is….this is bad."And I peeled out of the parking lot, speeding toward the hospital.

XXXX

_***Chapter End Notes: There I go again, leaving you on pins and needles. Lol! Will the good doctor be able to save Lauren and the baby? You'll have to keep hanging on to see! The next few chapters will be Bella, so hang in there. We have secrets to reveal, and more drama to ensue. Hit that review button below and let me know what you think so far. Reviewers get to hang out with Docward and Kellan! **_


	22. Chapter 20 Thinking Of You

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past**

**Chapter 20, "Thinking of You" ~ Katy Perry**

Bella's POV

_**A/N:**_**My betas are amazing, enough said.**

_**Thank you to all of you who are commenting and reviewing, you make me want to keep writing…and you irritate the shit out of my husband! No just kidding, he reads and reviews too, sometimes. **_

_**Let's see what the next day brings for Bella. She is really struggling in this one. Gave ya a little taste of the twins here and they're a handful! Bella has her work cut out for her dealing with those two and a cast! **_

**Song link, Thinking of You- ****http:/ /www (.) youtube (.) com/watch?v=fT0mUV8LuYQ**

_**SM owns the twilight characters, not me….nor do I own the song or lyrics involved, etc. etc. The storyline and concept is all mine! **_

XXXX

"_Comparisons are easily done…once you've had a taste of perfection,_

_Like an apple hanging from a tree I picked the ripest one,_

_I've still got the seed,_

_You said 'Move on'….where do I go?_

_I guess, second best is all I will know,_

'_Cause when I'm with him, I am thinking of you,_

_Thinking of you…What you would do if,_

_You were the one who was spending the night,_

_Oh, I wish that I…was looking into your eyes,_

_You're like an Indian summer in the middle of winter,_

_Like a hard candy….with a surprise center,_

_How do I get better once I've had the best?_

_You said…'there's tons of fish in the water,_

_So the water's I will test,_

_He kissed my lips, I taste your mouth,_

_He pulled me in, I was disgusted with myself,_

'_Cause when I'm with him, I am thinking of you,_

_Thinking of you…What you would do if,_

_You were the one who was spending the night,_

_Oh, I wish that I…was looking into,_

_You're the best and yes, I do regret,_

_How I could let…myself…let you go,_

_Now, now the lesson's learned…I touched it, I was burned,_

_Oh, I think you should know,_

'_Cause when I'm with him, I am thinking of you,_

_Thinking of you…What you would do if,_

_You were the one who was spending the night,_

_Oh, I wish that I was looking into your eyes."_

XXXX

"Ugh!"I groaned as I peeled my eyes open and looked around the bedroom. The throbbing in my hand was evidence that my night was actually _not_ a nightmare, as I'd hoped, but very real.

I was dazed and a little bit confused - groggy from the pain meds that had long worn off - and to be quite honest, I felt like I'd been chewed up and spit out by demons in the ninth circle of fucking Hades_._

I lifted my head, now a little more alert, and glanced at the clock. It read eleven a.m.

"Shit. I've got to call Charlie,"I said to myself out loud.

I had told him we would be there to pick them up sometime this morning. That left me one hour to pull myself together. My thoughts suddenly jumped to Jacob when I remembered that I had told Charlie _we _would pick the kids up, and my breath hitched. I slowly looked to my right - where Jake would normally be sleeping next to me - but I was alone in the bed.

_What the hell?_

I flung the covers off of me and stretched a little, reaching my arms over my head. The cast on my hand bumped against the headboard and caused me to shriek in pain.

"Damn it!" I sat up in bed and cleared my throat. "Jake!" I called, but got no response.

I slid off the bed and started to trudge out of the bedroom, suddenly realizing I was only in my bra and panties; I turned and snatched my robe off on the hook on the door, groaning as I flung it over my shoulders. I had to tug on the sleeve to get my massive cast through it and sighed. _This is going to be fun._ I dragged myself through the house again and again calling out for Jake, still hearing nothing but silence in return. With tired eyes, I checked every bedroom, slinked down the stairs and peered into the kitchen, then the living room. Both rooms showed no signs of disturbance with the exception of the contents of my purse strewn about on the counter - no doubt a product of my hysteria the night before. The bathrooms were equally empty.

"Well, I'll be…that son-of-a-bitch didn't even _make_ it home last night." Again I spoke out loud, as if I was having a conversation with myself. Apparently, once again, the product of the mind I had lost the night before.

I picked up the cordless, checking for missed calls, but saw nothing. I let out a frustrated groan as I again walked up the stairs and back to the bedroom, where I eyed my cell phone momentarily.

It all came back to me in a wave.

_Edward's car…the driveway….the eight missed calls from Jake on my cell…the text…the text from Edward._

I couldn't breathe for a second. My thoughts overwhelmed me and I clutched my stomach desperately to try and keep from getting physically ill. I couldn't even allow myself to think about responding to the text from Edward as much as I wanted to because, suddenly…I was worried.

_Oh God, what if something happened to Jake? What if someone else had his cell phone and was trying to get a hold of me all that time? _

I snatched it up and pressed the speed-dial number to Jake's phone. Straight to voicemail. I tried again. The same…voicemail. After the third time my call went to voicemail without so much as a single ring, I felt myself starting to hyperventilate. As I was desperately trying to shake off the panic, I had a realization.

_No, no, no. Someone would have called the house…right? The cops? The hospital? One of the guys? Not if he was lying in a ditch or…oh God, the lake! _

Since Moonstruck was located on the Navy Pier, that somehow seemed feasible to me…thinking of a drunk Jake stumbling around on the pier, not watching where he was going and _bam_, he goes over. Although, common sense was trying to beat down the panic rising in my body, reassuring me that Navy Pier was very, very busy on Friday nights and that someone would've seen him go over - told someone - and called nine-one-one. Again, I reminded myself that someone definitely would've called the house and not just my cell. Panic was winning however, because I still couldn't shake the disparaging feeling that something was very, very wrong.

A thought popped into my head that Charlie knew a lot of the Chicago PD, as well as firefighters and EMT's in the area. I could ask him when I called - to basically beg him to bring the kids home, so I didn't have to drive and publicly humiliate myself. However, I quickly changed my mind because - _fuck_. How embarrassing would that be?

_Gee, Dad, have you seen or heard from my husband, who didn't make it home? I wouldn't know, since I was busy hanging out with my ex-fucking-boyfriend all night and giving him head in his car._

Hell no.

Then, a light-bulb went on. Sam! _Duh, he _is_ a detective_. _I'll call him_.

I was well aware that this too, would be excruciatingly embarrassing, but he'd be less likely to lecture me than my father, who seems to still hold a grudge against the man that broke his little girl's heart. I could understand that. However, what I didn't quite get, was why he seemed to continue to defend Jake, or ignore rather, the fact that he had progressively become more and more of an utter prick over the years.

He didn't even hide it anymore in front of Charlie, and Charlie just turned the other cheek, changed the subject and talked about sports or something. Not that I needed someone to stand up for me. I handled that myself, but I would've thought that my tough-cop father would call him out on his bullshit. My theory was that it had to have something to do with the fact that he and Billy - Jake's dad - were such good friends, and that Jake had more or less built his wealth, whereas my dad felt Edward had always been privileged.

Never mind the fact that Jacob was essentially given the company by his father. He did resurrect it though, I would give him that much and that much only.

So, I decided to call Sam. Besides the fact that he was a cop, he was also really Jake's closest friend out of all the guys, so I figured he would've been the one who knew where the hell Jake was. Even if he didn't, he might've been able to ease my mind that something horrific hadn't happened to him. If nothing else, he could've contacted his cousin, Embry, who was an EMT, to make sure he had not heard about anything involving Jake in the wee hours of the morning.

Of course, if nothing _had_ happened to him, and he had chosen to simply get stupid drunk and stay away from home just to push my buttons…that fucker would definitely be feeling my wrath.

I sighed at my conflicting thought-process. Regardless, I needed to know where my husband was and I was vehemently going to wait to get really pissed off until I'd confirmed that Jake was in fact, alive and had made the choice not to come home…just to spite me.

I picked up my cell with my slightly trembling left hand and awkwardly began to search for Sam's number. I knew I'd saved at least _his_ number in my phone if none of Jake's other friends, due to the simple fact that he was a cop and closest to Jake.

"Ahh, there it is," I breathed, and hit send. It rang. Thank God not everyone's phone was off.

"Hello?"

It was a deep voice…Sam's.

"Um, S-Sam?" _Ugh, stop fucking stuttering….get it together._

"Yeah."

"Oh, thank goodness. Sam, it's Bella."

"Oh," he sounded a bit surprised, then hesitated for a moment before continuing, "Bella! Hey, uh, how are you today? How's your hand?"

I rolled my eyes because that was really the least of my concerns at the moment. I was polite regardless, because he meant well and I did appreciate his thoughtfulness.

"Oh, it's okay, Sam…big fat cast and all. Thanks for asking…um…"

But he started talking again before I could ask about Jake. "Oh no, Bella, so it _was_ really broken , huh? Wow. Guess you don't know your own strength, huh?"

I spoke fast because I didn't want to be rude, but I didn't have a lot of time or patience for chit-chat.

"Ha! Yeah, well, it should be expected when you're slapping a brick wall." Double meaning definitely intended. "Listen, Sam, I'm um, I'm worried…"

"Oh?" he interrupted.

_Jesus, shut up and let me get a word in._

"What about?"

"Well, about Jake. He, um, well, I was at the hospital for what seemed like forever so it was early, _early_ this morning when I got home and he wasn't home. He still isn't. I had some missed calls from him, but my phone was on vibrate so I didn't hear anything when he'd called, but I started worrying that maybe someone had his phone and was trying to call me to tell me something happened…but then I thought that surely someone would call the home number in his phone too, but no one did. I tried his cell this morning and it went straight to voice mail. Sam, have you talked to him? Do you know where he is? I just thought I'd check with you first…you know, being a detective and all, before I started calling hospitals and the police. Have you, by chance, spoken to your cousin, um, Embry? Isn't he an EMT? I'm sort of freaking out a little here, Sam!" I sucked in a breath, not realizing that I hadn't taken one in my ramblings.

"Whoa, Bella, calm down. He's fine," he stated confidently.

"Oh, really? You talked to him this morning? When did you talk to him?" I said, relieved.

He hesitated, and then he sighed.

"No, a-actually I haven't talked to him this morning, because…well, because he's asleep."

For a moment, I was confused. My brain was processing slower than usual and my mouth took over before my brain could catch up.

"W-what?" I stammered. "Asleep? Where? You know where he is, Sam?"

He chuckled at my temporary lack of common sense.

"Yeah Bella, I know where he is. He's here." He sighed again before continuing "Sleeping it off."

I sat there for a minute, silent - as my brain cells apparently decided to wake up - and I realized that my panic and worry was unfounded. As I had suspected in my initial thoughts, he _had_ apparently, based on Sam's use of the phrase 'sleep it off,' gotten stupid drunk and just simply not come home. Now, if we had driven ourselves last night, I would have understood him staying somewhere else to avoid driving under the influence. Likewise, Jake is a very stubborn person and normally refused to 'put a friend out' by sleeping over; ass-drunk or not, he liked to sleep in his own bed. The thing that got me was that he could've taken a fucking cab home regardless…but he didn't. He just _didn't_.

To me, this was clearly a case of spite, and I could feel the shift in me from panic to rage…the heat beginning to spread throughout my face.

"Bella? Are you still there?" Sam pierced through my silent thoughts and I tried to control my shaky tone.

"Oh, yeah, Sam, sorry," I said, my voice now kicked up a notch despite my efforts. "Um, did you guys all go somewhere else last night…or did you stay at Moonstruck, or…" I stalled and he hesitated again.

"Well, uh, _geez_, you know, it was really late, and so…we just, uh, ended up coming here…to my place. H-he was pretty out of it, so Emily and I sort of insisted he stay here. Uh, I h-hope that's okay. I…I should've left you a message or something, Bella, I'm sorry you were worried for no reason."

Don't think I didn't catch the fact that he didn't answer my question directly, but I honestly didn't have the interrogation skills that I was sure he had…so I filed that away to discuss with my husband later.

"Uh-huh," I responded flatly. "No, don't worry about it Sam, but I would like to speak to him and find out when he does plan to be here…the kids will be here soon."

"O…kay," he said, sounding like I'd asked for something unreasonable. "Can—can you hold on for a minute?"

"Oh, I'd say I can," I responded with a twinge of sarcasm. I heard him set the phone down and waited for what seemed like a lifetime. Of course my home phone _would_ ring while I was waiting for Jake's hung-over ass to get to the phone. So I ran around to the night stand, knowing it was Charlie and stressing because I hadn't thought up a good reason yet for asking him to bring the kids home…as opposed to me attempting to drive with my ridiculous cast. I grabbed the cordless and glanced at the caller ID, but was surprised to see Angela's number instead of Charlie's. I hit the button quickly and answered breathlessly.

"Hey, Ang, can I call you back in just a few minutes?"

"Well, hi to you too," the smirk evident in the tone of her voice. "I just wanted to see how the concert went and how the rest of your night was." Her voice was musical in anticipation of the exciting details.

"Damn it, girl, I'm sorry…I know. It's just that…well, I'm on my cell…waiting for Jake…who slept at Sam's last night…to come to the phone so I can tell him to get his _ass _home."

"_What_…the hell did you just say? Oh my God, you better call me back and tell me what the hell's going on!"

I cringed at the thought of telling her everything that the night entailed.

"Dude, yeah…long story. I'll call you in a bit, but gotta go!"

"Oh, I'll be waiting on baited breath," she said in her 'best-friend, you better not leave anything out tone.'

I hung up with her just in time because as I turned my attention back to my cell, I heard shuffling sounds and then someone clear their throat. A muffled and gritty, "Hello," greeted me on the other end.

"Jake?" I asked. My nostrils flared and the heat crept back to my face, setting my ears on fire.

"Mm-hmm," was the only response.

"Well, HELLO, sunshine! Are you coming home today?" I hissed, sarcasm dripping off of every word.

"Bells?" the groggy voice said.

"Uh, yeah, Jake, remember me? Who the _hell_else would it be? Are you expecting a call from another fucking woman today?" I spat feeling a twinge of guilt. The grogginess seemed to drift away as he shot back at me.

"DON'T start with me, Bella! Your ass probably didn't get home until sunrise anyway. If that's even where you _are!_"

Oh we were going to play this game, were we?

"Why, yes, my dear, that's actually right where I am…getting ready to call Charlie and ask him to bring OUR kids home, since I'm injured and you decided to stay and play at your friend's house."

Fuck him. He used the kids to make me feel guilty all the time, so I wasn't above that shit right now. I wanted to reach through the phone and slap him when I heard him yawn, then grunt as he - I assumed - stretched, like a lazy-ass cat that had been awakened for no good reason…not a care in the world.

"Hmm, you know Bells," he purred. "I'm still just soooooo tired. Rough night, ya know." I could feel his fucking mockery washing over me and a rumble of rage starting in the pit of my stomach as he continued. "So, I'm gonna chill out for a little while longer here at my good buddy Sam's. I'll be home for dinner though, hon. Watcha plan on cookin'?"

With that, I slammed the phone down on the dresser knocking the back off of it and the battery tumbled out.

"Goddamned SON-OF-A-BITCH!"I screamed. "URGH!" I should've known nothing bad had happened to that asshole. He could probably withstand the apocalypse!

I allowed myself to be completely and utterly _livid_ for the next few minutes before taking deep breaths and then forcing myself to pick up the phone and call Charlie, while I tried to put my cell back together left-handed.

After I explained to him how I didn't really "feel" like driving and while he'd gotten a big kick out of my "hangover," he agreed to bring the kids home. I apologized profusely and he just laughed.

"It's alright, Kiddo, I was young once," he stated, bemused. "I remember your Mom and I needing a wild night out without you girls every once in a while…" I could hear the faintest hint of sadness as he continued. "But that was a long time ago."

He recovered himself quickly though, when I asked if the kids gave him any trouble.

"Oh, goodness, no!" He laughed. "I'm a cop, Bells. Remember. I can handle the wonder twins, don't you worry. That gives me an idea! I don't have to go into the office for a couple hours and they love the cruiser." He raised his voice a few degrees so that the kids could hear as he continued. "So, I think I might take them on a little joy-ride! Maybe catch some bad guys before they get home."

I heard Robby and Kris both squeal in the background, including Robby's signature, "YESSSSSSSSSSSS." I could just picture him pumping his little fist in the air, and I laughed.

"Alright, Dad, only if you want to and uh, let's just skip the whole _bad guy_ thing. Okay?"

He chuckled. "Okay, Bells, but these guys are tough. They could probably help their old Grandpa take someone down."

"Hey!" I heard Krissy's high-pitched squeal in the background. "I'm not a _guy!_" I laughed again and told Charlie he was in big trouble for that one.

"Oh, Honey, I am so sorry," he said, trying to disguise the amusement in his voice and sounding slightly distant as he pulled the phone away to give 'her highness' his full attention. I chuckled to myself as I heard him soothe her melodramatic feelings, "You most certainly are not a guy. _You_ are Grandpa's beautiful Princess!"

I heard Krissy giggle as his wooing seemed to satisfy her, and I rolled my eyes. She certainly knew how to work the men in the family. Charlie then turned his attention back to me as I recovered from my fit of laughter at Krissy's dramatics. _Damn, my girl's good._

"Alright, Bells," he announced. "We'll see you in a couple of hours. Based on the energy level between these two, you better get some rest." He chuckled.

"Oh gee, I would've never guessed that, Dad. I _am _their ever-exhausted mother in case you forgot," I responded sarcastically.

After I'd hung up with Charlie, I stood in a daze trying to gather my thoughts and plan my next move. Obviously, Jake was still planning to be an ass, so he was out as far as helping. I thought about calling Ang back, but after glancing in the mirror and realizing I resembled the grim-fucking-reaper, I decided to tackle the most difficult task first…a shower.

I struggled with the fucking cellophane for about fifteen minutes, unleashing an avalanche of colorful words along with a temper-tantrum worse than my children ever had to offer - which made me feel much better - before I finally got it secure enough to render my _lovely_ cast as water-proof. With the exception of awkwardly using my left hand for virtually everything and the fact that I realized mundane tasks were going to take longer than usual, I came to the conclusion that I'd probably be able to handle basic hygiene on my own. _Thank God. _I definitely needed to work on my patience level, however.I'd be mortified to have to depend on someone else to bathe me and so on and so forth. That was not within my realm of comprehension.

Once I got myself somewhat presentable, I half-ass straightened up the clutter around the house and decided that, because of my tomfoolery last night rendering me incapable of being a decent mother, I was at least going to treat the kids to some yummy brownies later. I needed to redeem myself for the irresponsibility of screwing up my hand and for all the ways I wouldn't get to take care of them in the next few weeks.

After I'd gotten the ingredients out and spread them on the counter, I was contemplating just how in the sam-hell I was going to do this smoothly, coming to the conclusion that "cooking" and "smooth" with a cast added to the equation equaled "cluster-fuck". Whatever…a cluster-fuck it was going to be, then. I heard the phone ring and grabbed it, checking the caller ID. "Shit!" I said out loud. It was Angela. I'd totally forgotten to call her back.

"Are you _trying _to give your best friend a stroke?" she exclaimed. _So fucking dramatic._

"I'm sorry, Ang, I-I just had so much shit I had to do and it took me for—ev—er to shower with this damned cast."

"CAST!"she gasped, "What the fuck is going on and why the hell do you have a _cast_? Jesus Bella, did you fall down trying to dance and break your leg or something?"

"No…but gee thanks, Ang, for your confidence in my coordination!"

She sighed, "Sorry but…what then?" She suddenly gasped. "Oh my God, Bella! Did Jake do something to you?"

"No!" I blurted, "Angela, what on earth would make you think that? It's…um…well, it's more like I did something to him."

"WHAT?" she shrieked again.

So, I proceeded to give her all the gory details of the club, including seeing Edward, to which she elicited a snarky, "Oh, no, I can smell trouble!" I ignored it, and continued…dispelling the details of the near-demise of Jessica's man, Mike, including that one little incident where I just happened to break my hand on Jacob's face.

"Oh, my God!" she exclaimed, but continued, "But…but he deserved it! You know, B, he's turned into quite the douche-bag lately. What's the deal with that?"

I answered with the same old, "I don't know," because I really didn't, and continued with the trip to the hospital by the very insistent Dr. Edward Cullen. When I got to the part where he took me home, I simply said, "We um, we were in the car for a while," hoping she would leave it at that. Of course, this _was_ my best friend I was talking to and whether it was intuition or something she recognized in my voice, she prodded me for information. I gave her the "R" rated version as opposed to the "MA" rated version and then squeezed my eyes shut, waiting for her disappointment to wash over me.

I should've known better than that. She squealed like a damned fan-girl.

"I knew it!" she bluntly stated. "I knew that _mofo_ was still in love with you!" She hesitated, but not long. "I don't know that I would've given him as much…" she cleared her throat suggestively, "access as you did. Huh, would've served him right to confess all that shit to you and you to leave him high and dry…blue-balls and all!"

I was silent. I didn't know what to say. I could usually say anything to my best friend, but I couldn't form the words that I knew were lurking on the tip of my tongue.

"Bella?"

I didn't respond.

"Bella, you still there?"

I finally forced something out. "Oh…sorry…yeah," I said blandly.

"What's wrong?"

"N-nothing, Ang, it's nothing."

With my weak response, she gasped again, "Wait, Bella, are you…you still feel…oh God! You're still in _love_ with him? You are, aren't you?" Then giggling a little, she blurted, "I fucking _knew_ it!"

I snapped out of whatever funk I was in immediately…and I lied. I lied to my best friend, whom I _never_ lied to. I couldn't risk the reality of the truth being spoken, however, so I denied it.

"No! Angela, no. I am _not_ still in love with him." I hesitated before begging, "Please, can we just change the subject?"

"Of course, we can, Bella, but you _do_ realize that this is not over between the two of us. You _will_ be telling me what's going on inside that head of yours."

"Fine, Ang, but really, it's nothing."

"Nothing. Right. I would hardly call the night you just had _nothing_."

"Anyway," I interrupted, "so, how are things with Ben? How are things with the baby?"

She squeaked like a mouse. "Oh great, wonderful, fantastic!" I cursed her internally, because I was fucking jealous of her happiness. She cut into my mental chastising of her. "Oh my God, it's funny you should mention the baby. Speaking of Edward…"

I was instantly confused, but irritated at her apparent refusal to leave _that_ subject well enough alone.

"Ugh, Angela! What about him and what the hell does he have to do with your baby? What. Did he knock you up or something and Ben doesn't know?" I snorted at my sick and twisted sense of humor.

"No, doofus! Ew!" she shrieked. "I haven't picked a doctor yet."

"So?"

"So, I was just thinking how incredibly insane and just _wrong_ it would be for me to pick Edward as my O-b-G-y-n_._" She laughed hysterically. I nearly spit out the drink of water I'd just sipped into my mouth…all over the phone.

"Wait! What the _hell_?" I blurted out. "Angela, Edward is head of internal medicine…what does _that_ have to do with…."

"Oh, no, no, my dear, he is not. _He_…is an O-b-G-y-n. Apparently he has been for a few years. He's in my insurance booklet, but I just found out recently. I figured _you_ would know before I did. I'm surprised you didn't."

For a second, I was silent…processing what I'd been told. Suddenly, I burst into a hysterical fit of laughter because I couldn't help but think of all the women he probably had calling and trying to make appointments with him; they probably making up faux symptoms daily, just to have him look at their vaginas. Ha! At this point, I had tears streaming down my face, unable to control my spastic laughter as I gasped for air.

"Good Lord, calm down, Bella." I heard Angela's voice but barely audible through my snorting. "I mean," she giggled, then cleared her throat. "It's funny…but it's not _that_ funny. I hear he's really good…has quite a lot of patients for being such a young doctor."

I howled with laughter upon hearing that. "Oh, I _bet _he does!"

"Oh, for God sake, Bella, not _everyone_ thinks he's as fuck-hot as you do." She sighed. "Okay, yes, he's hot as hell, but damn. Settle down."

"Alright. Sorry, Ang, I just couldn't help but think of all the fucking vag's he sees on a daily basis!" I snorted again. I clutched my stomach, which was aching from the muscle spasms and sighed.

"God, you're sick." She chuckled and made a fake gagging sound.

I glanced at the clock, realizing I'd been on the phone with her for almost an hour. "Oh, shit! Ang, I've got to go! I have to get stuff done today before the kids get home."

We both got off of the phone giggling like a couple of goofy teenagers - typically the case with us - and Angela of course told me to call her if I needed anything. I laughed at my pregnant friend offering to help her crippled friend.

I hurried up as much as I could one-handed - especially when that one hand was my left - and picked up the rest of the clutter, finishing a couple loads of laundry. Then I proceeded to whip up, slowly and awkwardly, my famous double fudge with cream cheese icing and rainbow sprinkles on top, fabulous fucking brownies. This _was_ actually the way to the kids' hearts. They would love me for weeks, possibly long enough to cover my healing time.

XXXX

I grabbed a pain pill a few minutes before Charlie showed up with his very spoiled…and very dirty, I might add, grandchildren.

"Good grief, Dad," I called, chuckling as I leaned out the front door, only revealing my left arm. "Don't you ever bathe them?"

"Oh," he replied apologetically. "We stopped at the park on the way to capture some bad guys."

"Aha!" I said. "Well, did you two have fun?" I directed my attention to the twins.

"_I_ was a princess and Grandpa saved me from the terrible witch," Krissy announced.

"Of course." I smiled and rolled my eyes. "What about you, Dude?" I asked Robby.

"I used my karate-chop moves and took down some monsters," he proclaimed, acting out the moves he apparently used to take down said monsters. I burst into laughter at the sight of this.

I let down my guard when the three of them made their way into the house, forgetting completely my more than obviously huge cast.

"Whoa, cool!" Robby said and ran over to me, eyeing the cast, then ran his little hands over it after hugging me around the waist.

"What's that?" Krissy questioned.

"Bella, What the _hell?_"

Shit. I knew it.

I knew he was going to freak when he saw the cast. Still as much as I knew this, and given the fact that I was a grown-ass woman, these facts did not change the one fact that I could never get used to Charlie's freak-out sessions.

As the kids were 'oohing' and 'ahhing' over my 'cool' cast, Charlie's eyes were wide with worry and I approached the subject with him cautiously.

"Dad, please. It's no big deal."

"Bella," he stated. "You have a cast on your arm. What the…what happened?" I could tell he was trying to control his worry. It didn't matter that he knew good and well I was one of the clumsiest people on the planet.

"Yeah." I nodded. "I guess I had a little mishap at the club." I spoke truthfully, but followed up with a lie. "And I thought I'd try to dance. I fell Dad, and broke a small bone in my hand. It's…it's nothing."

He sighed, and my excuse must have satisfied him because he chuckled slightly as he replied. "Bella, I swear, your going to give your old man a heart attack one of these days as much as I worry about you."

"Then, stop," I pleaded. "I'm fine. I'll get some help with the kids…you know…Jake, and probably Alice," I rambled, "so…"

He rolled his eyes, almost knowing that I had a fat chance of _those _two doing much in the way of helping, but he didn't argue. Instead he put his arm around my shoulder awkwardly - because Charlie wasn't the best at showing affection - and offered help in his own way.

"Well, you know you can always call your old man. I'd be glad to take my little partners again. Unless, that is, I have a hot date or something." He jutted his chin out, rubbing his stubble. "I _am_ the famous ladies' man."

I snorted, and he twisted his face in mock confusion, acting as if I'd offended him, which of course, made me giggle a little more. He turned and made his way to the kitchen, where apparently the kids' blood-hound noses had taken them while I was busy making shit up to satisfy Charlie.

"Brownies!" I heard him exclaim and I muttered a quiet "damn it" under my breath as I darted into the kitchen, hoping the kids hadn't already destroyed my masterpiece. To my utter surprise, they hadn't. The furthest they'd gotten was to drag one of the bar stools over to the counter…which I knew they had definitely done together.

They worked together like evil geniuses.

I laughed at my analogy, picturing them in white lab coats and wire-rim glasses. Then in an act of betrayal, my mind focused on the white lab coat and my visual changed from my children…to Edward. I squeezed my eyes tight trying to rid my traitorous mind of the scenes playing out in it, the scenes which made my knees weak.

"Bells, are you okay?"

Busted by Charlie. Shit.

"Yeah Dad, uh, just a little painful, that's all," I lied and held my cast up. When his face changed to concern again, I added, "Don't worry, I'll take a pain pill in a few minutes. I'm okay, really."

I quickly cut a large section out of the brownies and wrapped them up for Charlie, who was soon on his way. The kids bounced up and down around me chanting, "Brownies! Brownies! Brownies!" But they howled when I told them they were for later.

I spent the afternoon submerging myself in my children and laughing with them, listening to all the fun they had with Grandpa Charlie and watching them bounce around like pin-balls…wondering just exactly how much sugar Grandpa had fed them in the last twenty-four hours. All the while, I fought away thoughts of someone else - and the text message - feeling guilty for not even at least acknowledging I'd received it. He must have thought I was a complete jerk!

_Jesus_!

I felt guilty for not returning a text to a man whom I nearly had sex with….

I bit my lip.

A man whom I'd nearly had unbelievable, amazing and – I knew without a doubt - mind-blowing sex with and a man who was, in fact, not my husband.

Guilty.

I truly was fucked-up in the head.

Of course, the word 'husband' did not evoke the warmest of feelings or the most pleasant of emotions for me at the moment, and I could feel the flash of heat as my anger began to envelope me at the thought of Jacob. Lately, he seemed to always be doing things to spite me, to push my buttons, to get a _rise_ out of me…only to then sit back and watch me act like a 'mental patient,' so he liked to call it.

"NO! ROBBY! I want to do it! MOMMY!" Krissy's high-pitched squealing jolted me out of my indignation.

"NO! ME!" Robby screeched.

I snapped my head around to see my twins yanking a large, open shoe box of multi-colored magic markers back and forth…their little knuckles white from the earnest grips they both had on the edges of the box. The thick cardboard of the box, itself was bending and waning in ill-fated resistance of the twins' tug-of-war.

"Whoa, Whoa!" I clamored as I sprang into 'mommy-mode' and snatched the box, tucking it under my left arm before the inevitable eruption of markers happened…all over the living room floor.

"What's going on here?" I chided. This was followed by two squeaky five-year-old's voices blending with one another, shouting…one trying to top the other. Of course, this was also accompanied by the always pleasant and whiney…

"I wanted to do it first and then HE…" or she, take your pick, "stole MY idea!"

The final sense made out of what seemed like the endless clatter, was that my precious children wanted to shroud my cast in a multitude of color. Of course I secretly did not want this to happen, as I was – again - a grown-ass woman, but I simply could not deny the passion behind their request. And I certainly didn't want the near blood-bath to be in vain. So I allowed it after they agreed to take equal turns.

Afterward, I was completely horrified but mustered up some fake, yet convincing, excitement over my 'beautifully colorful' new cast. I cringed internally as I looked it over, hoping it would grow on me and feeling like a complete bitch because I normally gushed over my kids artwork…I really did. It was just that, well, the cast was embarrassing enough and now every time I stepped into the outside world, I might as well have a flashing neon sign on my arm.

Oh yes, my cast was now in fucking Technicolor, every last marker they owned used to cover it in its entirety.

Robby and Krissy were so proud of themselves, though, and beaming from ear-to-ear, so I couldn't possibly, and would never in a million years, crush their little egos by showing my disdain for their artwork. This artwork I was going to wear…every…single…day…for the next six weeks. Or less. Maybe less. On a side note however, I would keep that cast for the rest of my life. _Definitely_.

XXXX

"I don't know, Alice," I stated bluntly as I looked at my sister across the kitchen table from me and flipped the lemon slice over and over in my teacup. I'd called her to come over for two reasons. One: because I wanted some adult company and, of course, Jake was still MIA. After the kids had graffitied my cast, they entertained themselves by watching endless episodes of SpongeBob Squarepants on TV. That was just fine with me because in just a couple short hours, they'd exhausted me. The second reason was I was hoping Jake would show up while she was there, in turn forcing him to be halfway decent as opposed to the ass I knew he was going to be otherwise. For some reason, he tended to be nicer around the female members of my family.

Alice just about shit her pants when she walked in and saw my cast-covered arm. She gasped, but refrained herself until the excited twins were finished tackling her. When they disappeared into "SpongeBob" world again, she unleashed.

"What the _fuck_, Bella?" she whispered, and pointed to the eye-sore.

I went over the entire night with her in excruciating detail. My sister and I had no secrets. We grounded each other, even when we didn't want to hear what the other had to say, and told each other everything, even when we didn't want to admit what we'd done or how we felt.

_Let me put it this way, we had so much shit on one another, that blackmail would be the understatement of the century._

"Bella," she sighed. "You know what I think and how I feel about this."

"Yeah, Alice, I do, but…what the _fuck_ am I supposed to do now? I've pretty much opened Pandora's fucking box here. I mean, I should have never stayed there, at the bar. I know this. Do you think I haven't run through this a thousand times in my head? You've watched Jake become a complete _douche-bag_, Alice, am I right?"

She nodded her head, her brow furrowed in concern.

"So, I'm supposed to just BE miserable for the rest of my godforsaken life? Right? So I guess that's just what I'll do,then. I _thought_ I was doing the right thing…when I married Jake…what was best for me. And Alice you know I love him…_I really do_. So much that it kills me to think like this…b-but I'm so unhappy. I'm so NOT in love with him anymore. Hell, I'm not sure, looking back over the last ten years, if I ever was!" I sighed, "The truth is I never stopped loving the man I was in love with a long time ago, Al." My voice was now shaking uncontrollably.

She gasped and took my hands in hers from across the table as I was fidgeting with my nails, avoiding eye-contact with her, and trying to curb the emotion welling up inside. Despite my efforts, a couple of tears escaped and splashed onto the table below me…the reality of what I'd been denying now ringing through my ears, as the words I never wanted to be heard fell from my lips.

"Oh, Bella, honey, I know," she said, her voice also heavy with emotion.

We really were a couple of cry-babies. When one of us started, the other soon followed. "But, after everything that happened…watching you deteriorate…almost losing you…I, I just…I don't know if I could do that again, Bella. I just don't," her voice lowered to a mere whisper as she shook her head.

I could feel her pain, radiating through her touch. The realization of what I'd done, what I had put them through…my family…Jake…was hitting me like a ton of bricks. Deep down, I wanted to rectify it. I wanted to make it right. Maybe the way to do that was to tell _him _– Edward – to get it out in the open. Just get it out there so that he would know, and base his feelings for me on the truth instead of some superficial guilt that he somehow ruined my life.

No, the most damage to me had been done by _me…_by hiding from my true feelings so long ago and now, by keeping something so important from him out of fear. Fear of my façade shattering the world around me. My façade was shattering around me anyway. My pseudo-marriage was failing. I was standing at a precipice and although I wasn't sure what I was going to do. Of one thing I was absolutely certain…he needed to know the truth. I let go of her hand and she looked at me in confusion.

"Bella?"

"Alice, I have to tell him," I said, my jaw set, my eyes boring into hers.

"Tell who?"

"Edward. I _have_ to tell him about…."

"Bella, NO. You shouldn't."

"Why Alice, because he would hate me? I know that, but the things he said to me last night, he-he's so guilt-ridden. If he knew the truth, maybe - well, maybe he wouldn't _have_ to be anymore."

"Oh, for God's sake, Bella…not because he'd _hate_ you. You did what you, what we _all_ thought was the right thing. You two were in no position…" She sighed mid-sentence. "It was over before that and it-it doesn't matter anymore! It was gone a long time ago." She closed her eyes and whispered, "You-you said it was never yours to begin with."

"I fucking know that, Alice!" I spat, but the anger wasn't directed at her, it was all for myself. "But you're wrong. It _does_ matter. It matters now. If I had known I would feel like this…that things would be so screwed up in my life right now, with Jake, I wouldn't have….but—"

"But you didn't know, Bella. Stop chastising yourself for dealing with a difficult decision the best way you knew how. We all supported you, and we still do."

I nodded my head. "I know, Al. Listen, I don't want to do this with you right now. Jake should be home soon and, I have to deal with dinner."

"Hmph," she mumbled. "Why don't you make _his_ fucking ass deal with dinner?"

With that statement, we both looked at each other and burst into laughter, saying, "Yeah right!" in unison.

The ding of the doorbell startled us both and I slowly walked to the door, unsure of who was on the other side. When I saw the beautiful, copper-haired woman standing on the porch, holding a large baking dish covered in foil, I remembered.

"Oh, damn! Esme is bringing dinner. I totally forgot," I said, mostly to myself.

"What the…" Alice breathed, and I shot her a warning glance but didn't respond.

XXXX

Esme was just as beautiful as I remembered her ten years prior, and strangely, more gracious and chatty than I _ever_ remembered her being. She talked about Carlisle asking her to bring the food - which smelled heavenly by the way - and made my stomach clench with a sudden ravaging hunger, reminding me that I'd eaten virtually nothing all day. I apologized more times than I could count for putting her out in such a way, but thanked her over and over for her kindness. She dismissed it of course, with a simple, "My pleasure."

The aroma of the lasagna must have wafted up to the kids' rooms because they bounced down the stairs hooting and hollering like a couple of savages, about what smelled so "yummy" and "_oh_, they were _so_ hungry." I introduced then to Esme, who was still giggling about their dramatic display, and she proceeded to go on and on about how beautiful they were. Robby, my little lady's man, insisted on shaking her hand, which he pulled to his little puckered lips and kissed the back of. This caused Esme, Alice, and myself to let out a collective, "Aw!" Robby's own hands then covered his face in embarrassment.

My very outspoken little girl wasted no time in asking "Miss Esme," as she called her, why her name was so funny-sounding, to which I shrieked, "Kristen Renee!"

She looked at me with her angel's face and shrugged her little shoulders in confusion, saying, "What?" Esme just laughed and spent the next ten minutes explaining the origin of her family name to my daughter…who was in love with her by the end of the story.

Thankfully, she didn't mention Edward or Jacob, and gracefully made her exit within about twenty minutes of her arrival, a large square of my brownies in tow…as a small thank you. I made her promise to eat at least one and not let Carlisle have all of them, to which she chuckled and agreed, before heading home.

By the time nine o'clock rolled around the kids were bathed and tucked into their beds, watching their Saturday night movies. "The Little Mermaid," was Krissy's choice…old, yes, but she was fascinated with that little red-headed fish girl…and "Spiderman" for Robby. He just loved watching 'Spidey' rescue Mary-Jane.

We had eaten a ridiculous amount of lasagna between myself, Alice and the kids; not to mention, we topped off the feast with my famous brownies. I tucked a couple away in hiding, for the kids to have tomorrow, and sent the rest home with Alice. Fuck Jake, who wasn't home yet. He didn't need any of my brownies anyway.

Alice took off soon after dinner, citing an early meeting with a new designer, and I teased her about her freeloading dinner and brownies. I was then left alone with my thoughts.

I flashed back to my conversation with Alice earlier and my stomach twisted. I stared at my cell phone, willing the strong urge I was feeling again to respond to his text to leave my head, and wrapped my arms around my torso as if to hold myself together, just breathing for a minute.

I distracted myself by grabbing my laptop and curling up on the couch with it. I decided that I needed to probably get on this 'housekeeper' thing and just stop debating it with myself. There were what seemed like thousands of ads for housekeeping agencies and individuals, and to be quite honest, it was giving me a fucking massive headache. I'd never hired a housekeeper before, so I didn't have the first clue what to look for. I wasn't picky; I just wanted someone who would clean up, maybe cook a little to help out, and not rob me blind. If only I could find an ad that said just that. "_I clean well and cook…AND I WON'T ROB YOU_." No such luck.

My frustration was only getting amplified by how ridiculous I thought this shit was, and the reminder that _had I made the right fucking decision in the first place; I wouldn't be in this predicament now._ Irritated, I slammed my laptop shut and tossed it to the side, curling into myself on the couch and feeling exhausted, still fighting away thoughts of…_him._

XXXX

_**Chapter End Notes: Stay tuned for next chapter. You get to find out what Bella's hiding from Edward! Also, Jake comes home and, well, you'll see. Toodles until next time! Docward's looking for some house calls, so review! **_


	23. Chapter 21 And Then You

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past**

**Chapter 21, "And Then You" ~ Greg Laswell**

Bella's POV continued

_**A/N: Have I mentioned how much I love my betas? Well, I DO! Love Of Escapism and THESnapcrakklepop, and of course my validation beta, Browns…you chickies are the little angels – or devils, take your pick – sitting on my shoulders. **_

_**As always, gotta give props to my amazing readers and reviewers. Thanks so much for taking a moment to share your thoughts with me! **_

_**So, I guess my loyal readers have waited long enough to find out (unless you've already guessed) what Bella has been keeping from Edward for so long. THE SECRET IS REVEALED in this chapter! Oh, but don't be thinkin' you know everything, 'cause I still have some shit up my sleeve! *evil laughter* **_

**Song Link, And Then You- ****http:/ www (.) youtube (.) com/watch?v=-8D3ke1_PRg**

_**SM owns the twilight characters, not me….nor do I own the song or lyrics involved, etc. etc. The storyline and concept is all mine! **_

XXXX

"_How my thoughts they spin me 'round,_

_And how my thoughts they let me down,_

_And how my thoughts they spin me 'round,_

_And how my thoughts they let me down,_

_How my dreams they spin me 'round,_

_And how my dreams they let me down,_

_And how my dreams they spin me 'round,_

_And how my dreams they let me down,_

_And then there's you,_

_Then there's you,_

_And then there's you,_

_Then there's you,_

_And how my love it spins me 'round,_

_And how my love it lets me down,_

_And how my thoughts they spin me 'round, _

_And how my thoughts they let me down,_

_And then there's you, _

_Then there's you,_

_And then there's you,_

_Then there's you,_

_You know I know who that you love,_

_I've written in on myself, if you can't tell,_

_With a melody that climbs and then falls,_

_Then falls, then falls,_

_Without you, without you,_

_How my days they spin me 'round,_

_And how today it sets me down,_

_And how my days they spin me 'round,_

_And how today it sets me down,_

_Alongside you,_

_Alongside you,_

_Alongside you."_

XXXX

I could feel my eyes getting heavy and slowly beginning to close, when I heard keys jingling in the front door. I snapped my head around in the direction of the entryway, glancing at the clock- ten-thirty pm. I sighed and grumbled to myself.

"Why fucking bother."

I would say that statement was just about right, because Jacob was - for all practical purposes - absent as he walked past me, saying nothing and heading straight to the kitchen. Of course, I say he was absent, with the exception of the fucking preposterous smirk he had plastered on his face.

Neither of us said a word to one another, but for some reason, this didn't ease my anxiety and I felt a sort of nauseating panic rip through my gut. My hands began to tremble…well, _hand_ I should say, and it felt like the calm before the fucking storm. Nevertheless, I had an unyielding urge to follow him into the kitchen.

Standing in the doorway, I looked him over. He was bent, looking into the refrigerator…holding the door wide open and appeared to be searching every shelf meticulously. His head was bowing lower and lower until he reached the bottom shelf where the large baking dish, containing the equivalent of approximately three or four oversized helpings of lasagna, was located. He immediately pulled it out and removed every last scrap of it from the dish, piled it onto a plate, and zapped it in the microwave.

I rolled my eyes. It was so typical of him to clean us out of food without bothering to ask if there were plans to feed myself, or the kids for that matter, the leftovers.

As he shoveled the mountainous bites into his mouth one after another, leaning back against the counter, legs crossed, completely at ease, as he stared at me.

"Pfft," he snorted, nearly spitting out the mouthful of lasagna he was savoring. He swallowed loudly before letting out a sarcastic chuckle and said, "Haha…what the _hell_ is that?"

His eyes were directly on my multi-colored cast. I sighed and glared at him.

"Well, _hello_ to you too, Jacob."

He just continued to smirk and stare at my arm.

"It's a cast, duh," I muttered, understanding completely that he wasn't ignorant to what a cast was. In fact, he was being facetious and - news flash - provocative.

"Oh?" He cocked his head to the side. "So, they're giving out gay rainbow casts at the hospital now, are they?"

"Actually, no," I said straight-faced, and pointed to my cast. "This is artwork from your children, Jake. You remember, Rob and Kris. The ones you haven't seen for almost two days because you were too busy _sleeping it off_." I rolled my eyes.

He narrowed his and hissed, "Oh, let's be dramatic." Then he looked away, mumbling to himself. "Humph, well, at least I know that's where you really went." He smirked again.

Well, I certainly was provoked at that moment, so I lifted my good hand up, placed it on my hip, cocked my own head to the side - still glaring - and hissed back, "Well, I suppose I could wonder the same thing about you, hmm?"

"No, I don't believe you could, actually. On the contrary, I think you know _exactly_ where I was, Bells." He popped another large bite of lasagna into his mouth and smiled devilishly at me.

After he swallowed the last of it, he patted his stomach and said, "Mm-mm, that was good! I gotta hand it to you, Bells, you sure know your way around a kitchen. Huh, I knew I kept you around for some reason." Immediately, he turned to wash his plate off in the sink.

He hit a nerve.

I raised both of my eyebrows at him and fought the urge to cry, controlling my shaky voice. "Well, _honey_, I sure wish I could take the credit for the lasagna, but…" I hesitated, a coy smile playing at the corners of my mouth. "I didn't make it. Esme…C-U-L-L-E-N, brought that over earlier."

He coughed.

I secretly wished he'd choked.

I continued. "She's just the sweetest thing, you know." He was now glaring at me, so I kept going. "No, what I made is in the sink, there." I pointed out the clear baking dish with the remnants of brownie crumbs and icing, soaking with soapy water in it.

He snapped his head in my direction after looking in the sink, his jaw dropping open slightly.

"You made the brownies."

It wasn't a question. I nodded my head once, still glaring, but again the sides of my mouth curled up, smirking at him.

"And they're all gone?"

I nodded once again, before curling my eyebrows up in mock sympathy. "If you'd been home earlier, maybe you would've gotten some." I pouted sarcastically.

He sighed and looked away from me. That was when I really looked him over. He looked like shit. His clothes were a wrinkled mess. As the lasagna smell dissipated, I noticed a slight odor of alcohol and his hair on the side was smashed against his head. All of this was, no doubt, remnants of his drunken escapades the night before. He must have caught me giving him the once-over, because he nervously moved his hands down the front of his torso, attempting to straighten out the wrinkles.

That was when I noticed it.

In his attempt to smooth his shirt, the collar had been tugged down, exposing the base of his neck and collar bone. Under it was a slight discoloration in his russet skin…a little darker. A definite oval-shape, but slightly disfigured. The perfect size of a woman's open mouth and I could guarantee you; it wasn't my mouth on him last night.

"What the fuck is that?" I snapped.

He noticed where my eyes were affixed on him and he pulled his collar up suddenly to cover it.

"What?" he said, his eyes slightly wider than before and an irritated scowl across his forehead.

"That, Jake." I pointed. "What the _fuck_ is that?" I took a step forward. He continued to stare in irritation. "Is that…that's a fucking _hickey_, isn't it, Jake?"

"What?"He half-chuckled humorlessly. "No! I don't know what you're talking about, Bella. I think you've clearly lost your mind here."

Of course, his predictable stab at my sanity, which I ignored. "What the HELL? Where have you been, Jake? And whose skanky mouth did you have, apparently all over you?" I spat, feeling a slight twinge of hypocrisy.

"Oh, PERFECT!" he fired back. "Well, I guess I could ask _you_ the same!" He growled through his teeth, "I should strip you down and…and examine you, huh? See how many 'love-marks' you have on _your_ body from that motherfu—" He caught himself as I raised my eyebrows, shooting daggers at him.

"Good luck with that," I snarled.

The conversation - if you could call it that, more like bantering - went down hill from there. He picked up his cell and waved it at me.

"What, you can't answer your phone when your husband calls over and over again, worried about you?"

Fuck.

He was a genius at the guilt trip thing, but I held my ground, lowering my voice to try and make things a little more civil. "Jake. I had it on vibrate because I was at the hospital. You know how they look down on cell phones and shit there." I tried to explain, to no avail. "I didn't _hear_ it."

"Oh, yeah, RIGHT!" He threw his head back and laughed sarcastically, "I highly doubt that, but nice try. You probably brought him in the house and _screwed_ him in our bed. EEEWWULLGGCH!" He dramatically shuddered, shaking his hands away from him as if to get the filth off.

"Whatever, Jacob!" I raised my voice an octave, hoping not enough to wake the kids, then back-pedaled, wanting to avoid all together the topic of fucking other people. Although my guilt had - at that point - lessened after seeing the obvious sign that _he_ was up to no good himself. "You said you were worried, right? Worried? What about me, huh? I thought you were dead, Jake! It's fucking eleven o'clock at night; there's NO WAY you had any plans to call me at all! So I wouldn't have even talked to you, had I not started calling people looking for you!"

"People? Who the hell else did you call?" Panic flashed in his eyes. Oh yes, he freaked out on the idea of anyone knowing we weren't the consummate married couple.

"Just Sam…but I almost called Charlie to ask if he'd heard anything about you, not to mention, after Sam, I was going to call the hospitals and police!"

He shook his head, his jaw clenched and spoke in a low, almost frightening growl. "Nevertheless, Bella, this right here…" He pointed his finger and moved it in a circular motion, up and down between the two of us. "This is all on you, sweetheart."

My reaction was immediate. Adrenaline coursed through me, but I fought it. I hesitated, in order to collect myself, because I wanted to attack him and scratch his eyeballs out of his fucking head.

"Nice," I seethed, glaring. "Isn't it always?"

He walked past me in a slow stride and, once he'd past me completely, he turned around to face me again and shrugged. "If you say so," he sneered, and then disappeared up the stairs.

"Motherfucker," I muttered under my breath, clenching my fist.

I heard the kids chanting, "Daddy!" a few minutes later, and let out a stifled half-sigh/half-growl. I was so annoyed that I grabbed my pack of smokes and stepped onto the deck.

XXXX

That night we slept with our backs to each other because we were both too damned stubborn to give up the comfort of the California King we shared. He was fast asleep and snoring before I even made it to bed, and he had showered, thank God, because I could barely stand to sleep anywhere in the same vicinity as his liquor-smelling ass. Of course, I was too caught up in my fucking anger and resentment toward him to think about sleeping anyway, so I stayed up for a while… chain-smoked _and_ basically froze my ass off.

It was cold, and when I finally went to bed, it was even cold in there. Well, _I_ was cold. I couldn't get warm no matter how hard I tried. I got up three different times to put socks on and still, I froze. It wasn't even a cold I could describe accurately…definitely not just the prickly sensation of walking outside on a windy and blustery winter day. No, this was a sort of deep-tissue kind of cold. One that began in my skin and worked its way through my muscle and bone, continuing through until I felt it from the inside-out.

It was like my soul had been replaced with ice and I couldn't sleep. My insomnia was not only because I felt like a block of ice, but I couldn't stop my mind from darting this way and that. I thought about Jake. I thought about Edward, then Jake, then Edward. I thought about my life ten years ago, about the decisions I made…the most difficult one.

The one that nearly killed me. Literally…in more ways than one.

I thought about what I'd put everyone through. _Fuck._ Then, I couldn't get it out of my mind. I tossed and turned. I put the ear-buds of my iPod in, blaring the music, but I couldn't shake it. Finally, I gave in and tip-toed to the bathroom, grabbing two of my pain meds. My hand was starting to throb anyway from all the thrashing around, so screw it. Twenty minutes later I was out.

XXXX

I woke up to Jacob shaking me. Not violently, but to get me conscious, I suppose.

He was looking at me as if I'd grown a second head over night and asked me what the hell I was on. Ironically, I was on paid meds, which I hesitantly explained to him, and to which he laughed hysterically.

_God, he's such a buffoon. _

"Well," he was saying through his snickering. "That shit is making you talk crazy in your sleep."

_Wonderful._

He had no problem enlightening me on what it was I had apparently said. He told me I had been saying, "What's your name?" and "I'm sorry" a few times, but what got to me was when he…portraying me in a very ridiculous and melodramatic fashion…reenacted what I'd said apparently right before he woke me.

"You were like, 'Wait! Where are you? I can't see you anymore! Please come back! NO! Come back!' Hahahaha, Bells, listen," he snickered some more, "you need to get some different meds. I'm gonna lose sleep myself if I have to wake you every time you take one and have a bad acid trip!"

I just ignored him because his antics, though very badly acted, had thrown me back into my dream. The images began to flash back at me as I turned over away from him and closed my eyes.

XXXX

_It was hazy, but I could make out the room I was in. It was my old room. The one I stayed in at Renee's in Florida. I had the feeling that I was searching for something, but wasn't rummaging through things or turning the room upside down. In fact, I was just sitting in the middle of my bed. As if something had awaken me and I was trying to find it in the pitch black. I didn't even think it was an object I was looking for. No, it was as if I was searching for it within myself…a piece of my heart or something, which I couldn't make heads or tails of…but, you know how you just go with strange things in your dreams._

_Suddenly, I felt a light touch on my hand…fingers brushing it…and it seemed like slow-motion as I turned my head in the direction of my hand. There was nothing there. I stared, allowing my eyes adjust to the dark, slowly looking around the room, when something caught my eye. _

_I sucked in a breath and held it, but not because I was frightened. I didn't feel that way at all. I felt a calm come over me, a relief, and I was in awe….overcome by the most beautiful pair of emerald green eyes. At first glance, I would've thought they were Edward's, shining bright like beacons in the middle of a dense fog, but somehow, I knew they weren't his. As my eyes continued to adjust, I began to notice the detail of them. They were much more feminine than Edward's eyes. I noticed the way the eye-lids swooped and curled as if they'd been drawn by the most talented of artists…the way the eye-lashes curled up, so long and beautiful, they looked to be that of a caricature as opposed to a real person. The emeralds were so bright that I had to squint to see the rest of…her?_

_I felt her drifting toward me, and then I noticed her hair…long and past her elbows. Beautiful waves and spirals of chocolate brown, just slightly lighter than mine with a hint of bronze, shiny highlights. She drifted even closer, her heart-shaped face a beautiful shade of ivory. Her pink, pouty lips curled up slightly in a shy smile. She looked so young, eight or nine years old, maybe? _

"_Hello." Her voice was angelic as she reached up and placed her hand on my cheek._

"_Oh…my God," I whispered in sudden realization and drew in a ragged breath. _

I knew her, recognized her from somewhere, but my conscious self- thinking about my dream- couldn't remember why, or from where I knew her. I just felt an overwhelming emotion_._

_I reached up to cup her little hand in mine, but it was no longer there, just the tingle of her touch remained. My eyes welled with tears that began to spill over my cheeks in waterfalls. _

"_You're here," I choked out, and she nodded. _

"_Yes."_

"_Why?" I asked, and she tilted her head to the side as if I should know the answer. _

"_I don't know," she whispered._

"_But, where are your…"_

"_Gone." She spoke softly as her eyes searched mine for some explanation._

_I inhaled sharply as the tears continued to pour from my eyes, and asked, "Are—are you okay?"_

_Her little smile fell and her eyes seemed to become liquid as she shook her head from side to side and whispered to me, "I don't think so."_

_I choked on my words again as I spoke, "But…but why? Why aren't you?" _

_And she just shook her head again as she responded sadly, "I don't know."_

_I swallowed thickly and took a deep breath before I asked, "What's your name, sweetheart?"_

_Her eyebrows curled up in confusion as she looked over my face and said, "I don't have a name."_

"_But, you…you _have_ to have a name," I whispered._

_She softly replied, "No. I never got one. You're Bella." I nodded, oddly at ease with the fact that this strange child, whom I knew - but didn't - knew my name._

"_Where did you go, Bella? Why did you leave?" I saw her tears glistening on her little cheeks and my heart felt as if it had been ripped out of my chest. I wrapped my arms around my body and squeezed, trying to hold myself in._

"_I don't know, but I had to…I'm…so sorry," I choked once again._

_I couldn't figure out why I knew what we were discussing, but somehow, I did know, and it was suffocating me. _

"_I have to go now," she said, sadness lacing her soft tone, and she began to fade away._

"_Wait!" I called. "Please, I need to talk to you…don't go." I began to sob. "Where are you? I can't see you anymore. Please, come back!" I begged, and placed my hands over my face._

"_Good-bye." I heard her angel voice say one last time._

"_No! Come back!" I lowered my hands and hiccupped on my sob as I looked up into a different pair of magnificent green eyes…Edward's._

_The look on his face was one of pain and pity for me. "I need," I started, but choked on my sob. He took my face in his hands and pressed his lips softly to mine._

"_It's okay," he whispered and smiled sadly._

"_No," I shook my head. "No…I'm sorry, Edward, I'm so sorry," and he placed his finger gently on my lips to stop me._

"_Don't, Bella. Please, it's okay, baby," he said, but I took his wrists in my hands and pulled them from my tear-soaked face._

"_I have to talk to you, Edward." I inhaled a ragged breath. "I have to talk to you."_

"_I know," he whispered and smiled sweetly. "In a little while. Sleep now, baby…sleep…" and his voice seemed to fade away as he leaned in and kissed my forehead._

_I slowly closed my eyes, let out a deep sigh and everything was black again._

XXXX

Bizzare_._

It was the only word that came to mind to describe the dream, which came flooding back into my mind - thanks to Jacob's Oscar-winning performance. Still, I couldn't wrap my head around why it was evoking such intense emotions in me. My chest felt heavy and it was as if I was struggling for breath.

"What's wrong with you?"

He was looking at me all peculiar again.

"Oh," I responded and shook my head. "Just…my hand hurts a little.

I noticed his face change from amusement to what appeared to be some sort of concern_._ At that point, I was sitting up in bed, feeling tired, and trying to understand what the fuck was going on in my head. I felt like I was going crazy. Maybe the pills _were_ responsible for the dream I'd had, but somewhere in my subconscious I knew that wasn't the case. I knew that this angelic child or ghost child - I wasn't sure which - was significant to me, but I struggled to place it.

Was my subconscious showing me myself? Lost and scared, going back to when my mom left? Was that the significance of the child looking so similar to me, _and_ my old bedroom in Florida? Why wouldn't she have a name, though? That stood out to me for some reason. Then there was Edward, who took her place in my dark room. I understood why he was in my dream since I had basically been thinking of nothing but him lately. However, there was no desire to have sex with him in my dream. He was comforting me. Was he comforting me _now_, or me as a child? _Fuck_! I really was losing it.

When Jake had asked me what was wrong, I glanced over at him. He was standing and rummaging through a drawer; he pulled out a pair of cut off track pants and slid them on. I noticed the muscles in his back as he pulled on the shorts, flexing and lengthening across his massive shoulders. The shorts hugged his ass in just the right places, accentuating the tight muscles in it.

He really was a beautiful and sexy man, and I truly did love him, but the feelings were different…not as intense as…

I would die if anything ever happened to him; I just couldn't _love_ him enough and it scared the hell out of me.

I watched him walk into the bathroom and grab the ibuprofen bottle, then walk toward me, leaning down in front of me at my eye level.

"Hey," he said softly and ran his fingers lightly over my cast. "It's not so bad, you know, those are good colors on you." He smiled in a thoughtful and apologetic way.

I'm fairly positive that my face was one of shock and I couldn't speak. He shook the bottle in front of me and said, "Let's try some of these today. I don't want you to freak out on those pills, okay?"

I just nodded and watched him shake four of them into his palm, grabbing the glass of water I had on the night stand.

XXXX

Half an hour later, he was in the closet sifting through his shirts. I had leaned back on my pillow and dozed off for a bit before waking up again and was now resting. The ibuprofen was beginning to take effect. As I flipped through the channels on the TV, searching for something to occupy my mind for a while - it was still early, and the apparently exhausted twins were still fast asleep, so I wasn't worried about breakfast just yet - Jake stepped out of the closet. He was still shirtless, wearing his nice, but casual khaki's, and he looked perplexed as he scratched the back of his head. His large, defined chest casted a slight shadow over the eight-pack of his abdomen, and the bicep of the arm that was bent behind his head was bulging.

His body was enough to make any red-blooded female pant and drool. Sadly, I rarely panted and drooled over his beautiful body anymore. It was never really that way with us. Of course, we definitely had crazy-hot sex at times, but again, it was different and very difficult to describe. To put it simply…he was my 'Ashley,' and Edward was my 'Rhett.'

"Have you seen my PGA shirt, Bells?" he asked.

"Uh, no, but it has to be in the closet unless you've worn it in the past couple days. The laundry was done yesterday." There was a hint of cynicism in my response, but not enough for him to pick up on and it felt strange to talk calmly with Jake, given the events of the past two evenings. "Why? Are you golfing today?" It came out a bit snarky, because _shit_, could he _not_ stay home one day to try and help a little?

He walked over to me again and bent down, both knees on the ground, his ass resting on his heels. He was at my eye level again and, placing his palms on my thighs, he rubbed them gently.

"Yeah, but listen, Bells. I'm gonna take the kids, okay? We'll stop and grab a bite for breakfast, and I'll take them along. They'll be fine. There's not a whole lot of damage you can do to a golf course," he snorted.

I gasped and my mouth fell open a bit.

"What?" he asked clearly amused. "I'm not a complete dick-wad all the time." He smirked.

I grinned and took a deep breath. "Well, okay. I need to research anyway." I sighed heavily.

"Research? For what?"

"For some kind of housekeeper or something. I can barely do _anything_ with this." I held up my cast.

"Oh, come on, Bells," he squinted. "You know I can help…" I raised my eyebrows at him and he chuckled, "Okay, yeah, I get it. I suck at house stuff. Hey!" His dark eyes flashed as he seemed to get an idea. "Sam's got a cousin, and I think she may do that kind of thing."

I rolled my eyes. "Jesus, how many fucking cousins does he have? I'm surprised you two aren't related."

"Pfft, definitely not," he chuckled. "Anyway, her name - I think - is Leah, and I also think she has her own business doing that, but…" He seemed to drift into his thoughts for a moment. "Anyway," he shook his head a couple times. "I'll talk to Sam about it today. See if I can get her number for you."

"Um, thanks," I said, pleasantly shocked.

I spent the day doing essentially nothing but watching movies…classics, like _Casablanca, Dr Zhivago, _and given my analogy of my own life, I even watched _Gone With the Wind_. Of course, my ignorant choice of romantic classics proved to hinder rather than help my screwed up state of mind, so I topped off my movie-watching frenzy with _The Shining_…one of my all time favorite horror flicks. I needed some relief from romance in a big way.

Angela called at some point to check on me and laughed sarcastically at my romantic movie choices, telling me I was a glutton for punishment, as well as a freak for my love of the horror genre. I agreed. I told her about my dream, which she also agreed was fucking bizarre and thought it might have to do with the pain meds. I would be talking to Doctor Carlisle about that and soon. Lord only knew what else Jake might have heard in my unconscious blabbering if I continued to take them and continued to have anomalous dreams.

Remarkably, Jake picked up dinner on the way home. Fried chicken, which I wasn't a big fan of, but choked down anyway since I was starving from not eating a thing all day. The mashed potatoes and cole slaw made it bearable, and other than being in shock still, from Jacob's one-eighty, I was grateful to him for taking over.

He handed me a jagged piece of paper with Sam's writing on it; it was Leah's phone number. I looked at him in awe that he had actually followed through in helping out, which - again to my unrelenting surprise - continued for the next few days. He was running the kids to and from school and grabbing dinner while I did some minor cleaning because I knew better than to throw that in the mix for Jake. He, in the mean time, reminded me a couple times to call Leah. I understood this because he despised cleaning, and I wasn't getting much done on it one handed. I didn't necessarily want to cook one handed either, nor did I want to spend the money on take out for weeks to come. I also didn't think it would be the best idea to call up Esme Cullen and ask for some more Lasagna Florentine.

I should've known there was more to his helping out - more like buttering me up - when he informed me on Tuesday that he had a convention in Las Vegas that very weekend.

"Nice, Jacob!" I snapped. "How long have you known about this?"

He rolled his eyes before responding nonchalantly, "It just came up, Bells, chill the hell out."

"Chill out? Really, Jake? Look…" I sighed. "I appreciate your help lately, but I'm going to be in a cast for a while. You can't just run off to Vegas for a fucking weekend on a whim!"

"Oh, please. It's not on a _whim_, it's _work!_" he sneered. "Get off your ass and call Leah, so you can interview her, or whatever the hell you need to do to make sure she's _perfect_ enough." He made a quotation gesture around his sarcastic 'perfect,' and continued spouting off. "…so I don't have to listen to you bitch at me, huh?" He then raised his eyebrows in my direction.

"Well welcome back,_ Jake_." I snapped my head around. "I thought maybe we could talk to her _together_, since we are supposed to be _partners_ here in making decisions, but apparently I was wrong."

"No, I'm pretty sure you can handle that much, Bella."

I stormed past him into the bedroom, clicking the door shut as I leaned up against it and sighed. "Fucking prick."

I called Leah on Wednesday morning, after the chaos of kids and Jake left the house. She seemed like a nice enough girl…sounded like she knew her way around a mop and broom as well as the kitchen, and sounded pretty enthusiastic - especially when I told her our name and that we were friends of Sam's. So, I set up a meeting with her for Friday to talk with her more, show her around the house and introduce her to the twins.

I truly hoped that this was the right decision because I was leery about giving people I didn't know access to my home as well as my children. I told myself the family member of a friend was probably the best I was going to get, so I tried to put the negative out of my mind.

_This is a good thing…a good thing_, I kept telling myself.

I settled down for a bit to get caught up on my emails. I'd already called the paper and told my psychotic editor that I would be out of commission for a bit, but would work on recording some stuff this week, which she agreed to have an intern type up for me for the column. The photography, however, was out. So I cancelled that for the next several weeks to follow.

I noticed I had gotten an email from Renee and smiled as I read it. It had been a while since I'd talked to my mom.

'_Hey, Baby, I miss you!' _was how it started, and I continued to read about her sun-filled life, literally and figuratively speaking, and about Phil. They apparently had recently taken up sail-boating and she was just _dying _to show me her skills. She talked about missing the grandbabies, as she called them, and Jake, and how she wanted us to come down again, soon. This got me a little bit irritated because…_could she not come up here?_ It wasn't like it used to be. At first when she left, she came to see Alice and me a lot. That dwindled quickly when we started getting older.

I felt a familiar twinge of phantom pain as I recalled the longest amount of time I had spent with Renee since she moved. It was after I left Edward and ran away so that I would stay as far away from him as I could, and he would stay away from me, so he wouldn't see me. I shook it off as I finished her email, my mind still going back to _him._

I needed to respond to that fucking text. I knew I probably shouldn't, but I needed to.

I reluctantly grabbed my cell and crawled onto the couch. Curling up and hugging my legs tightly to my body, I scrolled through my text messages until I found his.

_I am so sorry_.

My stomach flipped. I tossed it to the side and took a couple of deep breaths. "I can't…I just can't," I whispered to myself, my eyes darting around the room searching for something to distract me. They stopped on my laptop.

I went back to it and looked again at Renee's email. Feeling guilty for not really talking to her for a while, I decided to call her rather than send her the generic "we're just peachy" email in return.

"How's my baby-girl? Oh, it's so good to hear from you, honey!" she said.

We talked for quite a while, about her email, about the kids and me…about Jake. It was a happier, _Disney_ version of my life that she heard about. I told her about my "mishap" while "dancing" at the club, and my broken hand. She laughed out loud at my clumsiness and said, "You must get that from your Dad," to which I groaned, thinking _what don't I get from my Dad?_ She asked about him as well, sounding genuinely curious. Then I told her about my crazy dream after taking my pain meds. This seemed to spark her attention in a familiar, but unusual way.

She said she thought there was something strange about it and asked me to repeat some of the details. My mom, being the flighty, free-spirit that she was, always dabbled in ridiculous things like astrology and tarot card reading bullshit, and always said I was _intuitive_. I would swear that in a former life she must have been a gypsy or something. The weird thing was, I sometimes did have strange feelings or dreams when crazy things were about to go down, but I simply chalked it up to coincidence. Nevertheless, I humored her and told her the details of the dream again. Right before I got to the part with Edward, she stopped me.

"Wait, Bella," she said, "how long has it been since you were here?"

I laughed. "Mom, we were just there, last summer. Remember? Geesh."

"No, Bella, when _you_ were here. When you came and stayed her for a while, all those years ago. How long ago was that?"

I sucked in a breath and held it for a minute, shocked that she would bring up something I told her I never wanted to talk about.

"Mom. Why would you…I don't…I told you I didn't want to…"

"Just please, Bella, how long?"

I sighed, loudly, and then allowed myself to recall it. "Okay. I—I came out there in August of ninety-eight. Why?"

"Not when you _first_ came out, Bella, when…um…when…" Her stammering made me aware of exactly what she was talking about.

"Oh," I interrupted in a low, weak voice. "Um, it was in, um…it—it was in March…of—of nineteen ninety-nine. Mom, w—why are you asking me about this?"

"And, how old did you say this _ghost_ child looked in your dream?" she continued, ignoring my question all together.

"Um, I guess eight or nine maybe." I sighed again. "Mom, what the hell are you getting at?" I was getting a little - well no - a lot irritated to be honest. This was not something I ever wanted to fucking talk about and she knew it.

"And you said it was a beautiful little girl that resembled you, right?"

_Goddamn it. _If she kept this up, I was going to snap.

"I suppose you could say that, yes! Mom, what the _hell_! I'm sure this little girl, or whatever it was, was just my twisted _mind_ on paid meds or something. Maybe it was me; maybe I was dreaming about _myself_ being a lost little girl or something, that could make sense too, right?"

She gasped...as if she'd just discovered something classified. "No, Bella."

"Why, _Mom_?"

"Because…" she hesitated for a moment. "Because it…" She sighed and hesitated again, apparently searching for the right words, I didn't know, but I was getting fucking pissed. "Because it was a…"

"_Jesus Christ_! Spit it out, Mom!"

"Because it-it…it was a girl, Bella."

"What the fuck was a girl?"

I heard her starting to mumble to herself, "What am I doing? I shouldn't…."

"TALK, Mom! What the fuck was a girl?"

But I already knew.

_This wasn't fucking happening right now. There was no way she was fucking telling me this._

"The baby, Bella!" she blurted and then sucked in a ragged breath, before continuing, in a low voice. "The baby you had…here in Florida. The baby you gave birth to in March of nineteen ninety-nine. It…it was a girl." She suddenly fell silent.

"W-h-a-t?" I whispered. The phone dropped out of my hand, landing on my lap.

I just stared into space. I stared…for I don't know how long and whispered to myself, "A girl. It was a girl. I had…Edward…we—we had a _girl_."

"Bella! Bella!" I heard the muffled sound of my Mom's voice coming from the phone which was lying in my lap.

I couldn't breathe. The child from my dream was suddenly vivid in my mind, her porcelain face flashing over and over again. Her green eyes were shining…her hair a mixture of my dark and Edward's light. The conversation we had ringing in my ears. _I don't have one…I never got one_, she had answered when I asked her what her name was. _Why did you leave…Where did you go?_ I recalled her asking me this. I was putting it all together.

My hand trembled as I reached for the phone.

"Bella!" I heard again and picked it up, gasping into it.

"Mom?"

"Oh, Bella, I thought I'd lost you," she breathed.

"No, I—I'm here," I whispered.

"I'm sorry, Honey, I'm so sorry. I know you didn't want to know."

I ignored her words. I was in a daze, but suddenly the meaning of my dream jolted through me, like the fire I felt when Edward touched me, and I repeated what kept scrolling through my head like a marquee.

"I have to tell him," I whispered. "I have to tell him."

"No, Bella." Her voice cracked and she was starting to cry. "Bella, no. Bella, she's gone. She was gone a long time ago, honey. There's nothing you can do about it, baby, and it'll _crush_ him."

Still in a daze, I spoke in monotone. "I h—have to go, Mom. I love you. I'll talk to you later."

"Bella, wait…_please_ think about—" I heard as I pressed 'end' and then just sat there, wondering for the first time in a very long time…about _our daughter_.

XXXX

I thought about it the rest of the day and into the evening. The kids were oblivious…in their own world, not noticing that their mother had become the walking dead. Jacob noticed however, and after dinner, he cornered me in the master bathroom while I was staring at myself in the mirror.

"What the hell is your problem?" he snarled, to which I burst into tears.

He quickly changed his tune. He didn't like to see me cry and always did what he could to get me to stop.

"Bells? Sweetheart? What's wrong?" He lifted me up into his arms, carried me to our bed, and pulled me into his massive lap.

"It was a girl, Jacob." I hiccupped, tears streaming down my face and soaking my t-shirt.

"What was a girl, Bella? You're not making any sense to me, honey, what?"

"The—the baby…in Florida. It was a girl. _Oh God….it was a girl_!" I shuddered and shook as the sobs overtook me. Luckily, we were in the bedroom and the kids were in their rooms, more than likely conjuring up some ways to take over the world and totally oblivious. Thank God for that, because I would _never _have wanted them to see me like this…wounded and broken and derailed.

"Shit!" he breathed. "Bella, how did you…who the hell told you this?"

"R—Renee." I stuttered, through my sobs. The emotions of that day in my history were now ripping through me and opening me up like an old wound, now exposed and raw."

"Why?" He asked, more to himself than to me. "Why the hell would she…_goddamn it,_ Renee!" I felt him tense as he held my face close to his chest.

"_G-God_, Jake, it's like it's happening _all over again_!" I clung to him, hiccupping and coughing and trying to gasp for air.

"I'm so sorry, baby," Jacob whispered, so low I could barely hear him. He cupped my trembling head in his huge hands and pulled my face up to look at him. "Bells," he spoke on his breath. "It's okay, it's okay. Everything's alright. It was a long time ago, but we got through it _then_. You're okay, sweetheart, I'm here…I'm here, shh."

I was letting go. I was letting go with every fiber of by being, realizing that I'd never mourned the loss of my child - of Edward's child. Never dealt with it. I had never cried, yelled, screamed…nothing. I was collapsing into Jacob and losing every bit of control I had over my emotions and I felt safe enough to do it.

Still, I shuddered with even more sobs as the guilt ripped through me because I was reminded, ironically by Jake, of Edward's voice in my dream saying, "Shh…it's okay, sleep now, baby."

Jacob laid me down on the bed and went into the bathroom, grabbing a couple of my pain meds and brought them to me. I took them quickly because I couldn't wait for the pain to fade. For the first time in a while, I felt an incredible amount of compassion coming from Jake, and _love_, which threw me into a massive spiral of confusion and self doubt. I heard him calling the kids to get ready for bed and saying, "Mommy's hand is hurting so she's lying down…" as well as telling them not to bother me. I felt a deep sense of relief and gratitude toward him for sparing them the sight of me.

I could barely see as I picked up my cell phone, the tears still filling my eyes with steadfast efficiency. Guilt or no guilt, my mind was made up. So, before I passed out and after I heard Jacob turn the game on the big screen downstairs, I finally sent a text to Edward in return of the one he'd sent me…and asked him to meet me on Saturday. I would have to ask Alice to take the kids for a while and I groaned at the groveling that would take.

Finally, after he had asked about a million fucking questions, Edward agreed to meet me and - on top of my grief - I was then overwhelmed with anxiety. I tried to prepare myself mentally for what I had decided to do.

Exhausted and dizzy, as the pain meds began to take effect, I let go once again and allowed the black hole to encompass me, swallow me, and as I closed my eyes, I began to drift away.

XXXX

***Chapter end notes: Well, now you know what she's been keeping from Edward. Kind of a big deal, no? Wonder how he'll react when…**_**if**_** he ever finds out. *wicked grin* Do you think she'll tell him when they meet? Hmm, I don't know. Another Bella POV is up next before we get back to the good doctor. Show me some love…until next time! **


	24. Chapter 22 Ballad of a Bitter End

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past**

**Chapter 22, "Ballad of a Bitter End" ~ The Poems**

Bella's POV, cont.

_**A/N: Much love to my betas as always…thanks for making sense of my (sometimes) nonsense! **_

_**As always, THANK YOU to those that are reading and reviewing. However, having said that, I need to add a short PSA: **_

_**This story, while there are funny and happy parts in it, for the most part is a drama…it's chalked full of angst and hurt, upsetting and sometimes disturbing subject matter. It will break your heart and make you angry…a lot. It's a roller coaster ride and I make no apologies for that. You have been warned before, and I'm warning you again. If you're not up for it, please, don't put yourself through it. For those of you sticking with me, I'm am truly grateful! **_

_**More fun from the twins in this one. And, you get to meet a new character. This one's pretty heavy, guys, so be prepared. **_

_**It's so repetitive, but here we go. I don't own the twi-characters nor do I claim to. Nope, Stephenie Meyer owns them. I just like to write crazy scenarios and put them in the middle of it. I don't own the songs or lyrics used, that would be the artists, record co.'s etc, etc.**_

XXXX

"_Whisper Soft….whisper low,_

_Tell me things I shouldn't know,_

_With you I want to grow,_

_If this is love….it hangs in doubt,_

_It'll kill you or me,_

_If it comes out,_

_Talk to me again,_

_Please talk for me again,_

_You've drawn a breath…from my soul,_

_You gave me life and made me whole,_

_Forever,_

_And when it ends, as it must end,_

_I'll write a book, the saddest book,_

_And it will be our story,_

_The ballad of a bitter end,_

_The bitter end, _

_The bitter end,_

_And when it ends, as it must end,_

_I'll write a book, the saddest book,_

_And it will be our story,_

_The ballad of a bitter end,_

_The bitter end,_

_The ballad of a bitter end."_

XXXX

Thursday passed in a hazy fog…other than calling Alice to try and talk her into taking the twins for a while on Saturday. I made something up about needing some space and told her about what Renee had told me.

"Oh, fuck!" This was her reaction to _that _particular news. She freaked out about it and tried to get me to hang out with _her_ all day Saturday and have Charlie take the kids instead. As much as I would've loved to be with my sister for the day wallowing myself in her pity and drowning in gallons of cookie dough ice cream, I had to stick to my guns on this.

"No way," I said. "He had them last weekend, Alice. Please…please take them for me, I need this."

Finally, she agreed, but stated that she had "no godforsaken idea" what to do with five-year-old twins all day long. She was a little more comfortable with it when I told her it wouldn't be all day and we left it with her stating that I "owed" her big time. _Of course._

Friday morning came quickly in my haze, and Jacob had taken the day off since his flight was leaving at eight am. After running the kids to school, he returned home pissed – apparently because they were fighting and "being complete pains in the ass," as he put it – and bitching about having to take them anyway. I tried to explain to him that I was meeting with Leah that day. Not that I would be letting a stranger drive my children to school, but whatever shut him up at the moment, I went with.

Of course, he proceeded to show his _ass_ again, because heaven forbid we close out the week without a fight, by telling me that I should probably, and I quote, "snap out of my funk before I meet Leah and she thinks I'm a crazy bitch…_and _decides not to take the job."

"It's been a long time, Bells," the bastard said. "Shouldn't you be getting over it?"

I fought back the urge to curse him out, instead, I rolled my shoulders back and willed daggers to shoot from my eyes as I calmly stated, "Well, I _am_ a crazy bitch, Jake. Don't you know that by now? Oh, and by the way, it's been a few years; so, _shouldn't you be over your Mom's death by now?_"

His eyes narrowed and his chest heaved as if he wanted to lunge at me. Then he slammed the door behind him – the deafening boom echoed through my ears.

"Hmph. Love you too, _asshole,_" I muttered and shrugged it off before trudging to the shower.

XXXX

Leah came by in the late afternoon, after the kids were home from school. She seemed like just the sweetest thing…a few years younger than me, I assumed, from looks alone, and about as cute as she could be. This was confirmed of course, by my little 'lady's man,' Robby. The little Casanova insisted on kissing her hand and when I introduced him as "Robby," he huffed at me.

"My _name_ is Robert, Mom!" he said, scowling.

"Oh, well, well, well. I'm very sorry _Sir_," I said between giggles and he shot me another dirty look.

Krissy, the outspoken one, could always be counted on to point out all the differences in a person.

"Your hair is short….but mine is long," she said to Leah, stating the obvious, because her jet-black hair was cut in a chin-length, but very cute bob.

"Yes," Leah stated sweetly. "It's called a 'bob.' Do you like it?"

Oh, never a good idea to ask Krissy her opinion, because she'd give it - no-holds-barred - whether you really wanted it or not.

Krissy shrugged. "I guess so. You have darker skin than me…yours is like my daddy's."

Leah laughed and said, "Yes, I'm _Native American_ just like you and your daddy."

Krissy had gone and snatched the most recent family photo we had off of one of the tables in the living room, and brought it over to show Leah.

"See," she said, smiling.

As Leah gazed at the photo, a sort of strange look crossed her eyes, which flashed up to me, but quickly back down to my daughter. "Yes, I've met your Daddy before. He's very nice."

I choked to myself…_sure_ he is. "Oh really? When?" I asked genuinely curious because that was a detail he apparently left out. Again, zero communication.

"Oh, just once or twice while my family was visiting at Sam's. It's been a long time, though…not since we were kids."

I nodded, satisfied. "Oh." But for some reason felt the need to explain, so I continued. "I was just wondering. Jake didn't mention he'd met you. So, uh, so that's good."

I went on to show her around the house and explained that I wouldn't really need her everyday, just maybe two or three times a week for light cooking and one of those set days for cleaning, which she pleasantly agreed to. We settled on the money part of it and planned for her to be over on Monday morning. Before she left, she told the kids that she had a little boy around their age.

"He's a little bit younger than you, about a year. His real name is Seth, after my brother, but we call him _'Boo-Boo'._"

"_BOO-BOO?_" The twins chimed in together, giggling.

"_THAT'S WEEEEEIIIIRRRRDDD!"_ Krissy blurted out.

_Imagine that._

"Kristen!" I warned.

"It's okay," Leah jumped in, laughing. "It is weird, but he thinks it's funny too, now."

"Why do you call him _thaaaaaaaat_?" Again, it was Krissy with her nose crinkled up like she smelled something foul. I shot her a warning glance and she replaced the 'icky' look with one of angelic curiosity.

_Oh, she killed me_.

Robby wasn't talking, he was too busy shyly smiling at his new 'crush.'

"Well, because, when he was just a baby and barely walking, he loved to run around, but he was always falling down and getting a bump here and a bump there…or he would dump stuff out of the cabinet on his head and get hurt. We would tell him he got a 'boo-boo' every time. We said it so much that we decided that should be his nickname and so that's what we call him now."

"Ooooooooooh," the twins sang in unison, followed by Robby's proud announcement, "I don't usually get hurt…I know karate moves…you wanna see some?"

I sucked in a breath to tell him we would wait on that, and spare Leah any further smothering by my children that day, but she was quicker than me. She sweetly told Robby that she needed to go and pick up 'Boo-Boo'- at which the twins both giggled and I shot them both a warning glare this time - from his Grandpa's house now, but maybe he could show her on Monday.

"Hey! We have a Grandpa too!" Krissy chimed in, "We have _two_ of them…Grandpa Billy and Grandpa Charlie! How many Grandpas does Boo-Boo have?"

"Um," she whispered and looked as if it pained her to think about it. She then took a deep breath and smiled, continuing. "Just one."

"But WHY—"

"Okay," I interrupted Krissy and put my hand on her shoulders. "Let's let Miss Leah go. We'll see her on Monday." I turned to Leah. "Please, feel free to bring your son over. I'm sure there are plenty of things for him to occupy himself with here until the kids get home from school."

She muttered a shy, "Maybe" and was then on her way. Once she left, I warned my children that if they laughed at that little boy's name one more time, their asses would hurt for a couple days. With wide eyes, they offered up a very apologetic, "Okay, Mommy."

XXXX

Of course, before I knew it, it was Saturday.

Alice and I had worked out that if the kids could eat lunch at home, she would take them out for dinner after they did whatever she had planned, which was frightening to think about. Sounded fine to me, so she showed up around one-thirty that afternoon…and the kids were bouncing off the motherfucking walls.

"Auntie AAAAAAAAAAALICE!" They both squealed, over and over again chanting, "Where are we going?" and "What are we doooooooing?" To which I explained that if they didn't get in their rooms and pick up the epic mess they'd made - and were told about a hundred times to clean up- they were going _nowhere_ and doing _nothing._ I knew full well that my threats were futile because I was lying through my teeth. They would be going with Alice despite whether they cleaned up or not…because I absolutely had to do what I had planned today. I had to do it today, or it would never happen.

My curiosity got the best of me though, and when they scampered to their rooms to clean, since they thought I'd make good on my threat, I asked Alice myself what she had planned. I was immediately glad I had when she answered.

"Really, Alice? The Museum of Contemporary Art?" I asked. The look on my face - I'm sure - one of shock and horror.

"Um, yeah. Why?" She was immediately defensive.

"Are you kidding me? Fucking, good luck with _that_ one," I chortled with sarcasm. I swear to God, my extremely bright and talented sister was completely clueless sometimes.

"What the fuck are you talking about, Bella? It's F-U-N_," _she spat.

Great. Now she was getting pissy. I'd have to watch what I said or she'd be taking _herself_ out the door without my kids.

"Okay, it's fun for you, Alice, but they're five. I'm only concerned about you here. You do realize that my two children, plus a room full of art and precious, _breakable_ displays equals a category-five, hurricane-level disaster waiting to happen don't you?"

She just stared at me for a second before exhaling, "Shit. Well, help then. What…where…do _you_ have an ideas?"

I laughed. Out loud. Do I have any ideas?

I snorted. "Yeah, about a million…again, they're five-year-old kids."

"And…"

"And? Alice, they'd be happy playing in the fucking dirt!"

She crinkled her nose. "Can we come up with something a little more civilized, please?"

That was when I had an idea. "Hey! Take them to the Playground Theater. They have 'The Ankle Todd Show' there!" I exclaimed and grabbed my laptop to look it up.

She sighed. "Sounds lovely. The _what-ie-what _show?" she asked, looking thoroughly confused.

I rolled my eyes, remembering how kid-challenged she was. Her world consisted of fashion shows and beautiful people, not Yo Gabba Gabba and Dora the Explorer.

"It's a show, Alice, with these clown-like characters and it's at four o'clock on Saturdays…oh, here it is…they do a different theme for each show…_Oh My God, Alice_, today is The Arts, right up your alley!"

"Oh shit, clowns? Bella, you know I hate clowns. They creep me the fuck out."

Again, I rolled my eyes. "Seriously, Alice, you can either face your fears today _or_ deal with two hyper five-year-olds in the same rooms as _very_ expensive art."

"Fuck! Fine! Where is it?" she groaned.

I gave her the address on Halstead, and a few more details as well as a hundred dollar bill.

"What's this for?" she gasped.

"Uh, for the show and souvenirs…because you won't be able to leave there until you've gotten them too much shit…and for dinner."

"Bella," she sighed. "I'm fairly certain these two aren't going to cost me anywhere _near_ that much."

I laughed because, again, kid-challenged, and because I thought she knew mine better than that, but apparently not. "So what?" I stated, "I don't want any of it back. You're doing me a big favor today Sis, and I love you so much for it."

"Aw…" She jutted her bottom lip out and her eyes became watery as she wrapped her arms around me and squeezed.

I shoved them all out of the door before I had a complete meltdown, but not before plastering kisses all over the twins faces and warning them to be sweet to Auntie Alice…or else.

When the door clicked shut and I was all alone, there was a deafening sound within the silence. Thump…thump…thump…my heartbeat. The realization of the task ahead of me itself felt like a category-five, hurricane-level disaster waiting to happen.

It was Saturday.

_Saturday._

The day I'd asked Edward to meet me to talk. _Like the fucking idiot I was._

What the hell was I thinking?

I didn't have the slightest clue how I was even going to bring up the subject with him. _Hey, Edward, what's up? Oh, by the way, when I left you and ran away to Florida ten years ago, I was pregnant. Yeah, had a baby girl…which I didn't even know about until a few days ago, because I refused to see or know anything about the baby. I don't even know if she's alive or not._

If she had survived, the adoption would have gone as planned. If not, I didn't think I ever wanted to know.

It was a rough pregnancy and the delivery…well, it almost killed me. Emergency c-section…something about the placenta and hemorrhaging. I knew the baby was in trouble - as was I - once we arrived at the hospital, but I remember nothing about the birth…at all…after being wheeled into surgery.

A lot of chaos. Nurses running around like chickens with their heads cut off; my Mom in hysterics…on the phone with Charlie, telling him and Alice to catch the next flight they could get, out…and Jake. Jake rushing in at the last minute and grabbing hold of me, much to the disliking of the nurses. I remember him holding my hand as they rushed me down the hallway…the rectangular fluorescent lights flashing past me.

I still have nightmares about those lights, rushing above my face.

He leaned over and kissed me on my forehead, his deep chocolate eyes filling with tears as he repeated, "You're going to be ok, Bells, you're going to be ok," and tried to smile. The last thing I remember before I closed my eyes that day, was that he said he loved me…for the first time. He was my best friend while I was in Florida, but when he said that…it changed everything. I was told that, as I came out of the anesthesia, I asked for Jake. That he was the only one I wanted to see. I don't remember any of that, just that it took me a few days to fully come around and people were tip-toeing around me, whispering to one another about what I assumed was the baby in question. I never asked about it…_her_.

I never asked, as much as it ate away at my soul, and I put it out of my mind, or so I thought. I had a hard time grasping reality after that. I didn't know what was real anymore. Sadly, my parents and my sister couldn't do much to help me. Angela had her own life to deal with, although she tried too. I felt alone and isolated. Jacob was the only person who helped me feel alive. They say that relationships born out of trauma never last…but I thought - I thought because we were so close, because we were such good friends, it was enough.

It was almost as if it was a dream, all of it. As if it had never happened.

XXXX

I was reminded as I walked through the entrance of Millennium Park, however, that it had in fact happened and I was about to tell the man whom I swore I would never tell, about the fact that he had become a father long before he knew it, and that it had been a little girl…and that I knew nothing more than that.

What would he say to me?

Would he understand the reason behind why I hadn't told him that I was even pregnant? That it wasn't just to spite him?

It was none of that.

I knew what he had going on in his life…medical school, which he only had a couple years left of, I thought; he had his band, which was getting more and more popular, so that meant more gigs to play…and of course the obvious - we'd just broken up. I didn't want that burden for him and didn't want him to feel trapped. I _refused _to allow him to resent me for ruining his life. He was so close to finishing med school…_so_ close, and I was afraid he would lose everything to try to take care of me…of _us_. I couldn't let that happen, so I ran off…to Florida…so that he wouldn't see me _growing_ in front of him. So he wouldn't feel obligated to take care of me or anyone else when he was scraping away with so much on his plate that he could barely take care of himself.

I entered the park on the west side, north end, which made sense given that the Monument where we had agreed to meet was located in the northwest corner of the park. Looking at my watch, it read three forty-five. So I kept walking, past the monument, praying Edward wasn't there yet, and turned right…instead of left to the monument…into the ice rink area. It had just opened for the season, and was quite busy with people excited for the winter to begin. Myself _not_ included. Winter and ice were never pleasant for the uncoordinated.

As I people-watched, trying to kill some time….or stall, I suppose, I began to see my family's faces in the faces of those around me. In the faces of the dads and the moms, the sisters arguing over whose skates were better, the best friends laughing so hard, that they had to hold onto one another for support. The elderly couple to my left, holding hands and stealing kisses from one another, and the young couple cradling and cooing over their newborn baby.

Having not thought about this - on this level - in so long, caused the reality of the information I was about to disclose, as the time inched closer to and closer to four o'clock, to come crashing down on me. A tidal wave of fear and anxiety and emotions I couldn't describe taking over me with intensity so great, that I doubled over, grasping my knees to support myself, and gasping for air.

I faintly heard the little old lady close to me ask, "Oh my, are you okay, honey?" But I didn't respond, my heartbeat thumping like a base drum in my ears. I felt a hand on my back lightly and a familiar voice say, "It's okay, I'm a medical professional. Here, let me take a look."

This was a familiar voice alright, but it was _definitely_ not Edward's.

"There, there now," the voice said again. "I'll take care of you."

Suddenly, I recognized the voice. Bile began to rise in my throat as I slowly raised my head, following the wrinkled scrubs up to his gaunt face, framed by the scraggly, dish water blonde hair pulled back into a pony tail.

"James," I breathed and stood up quickly, feeling a head rush from my anxiety attack and swayed slightly.

He caught my arm and steadied me as I shook my head to get back my senses. "What are you doing here?" I asked in disgust.

He chuckled in a sort of menacing way and said, "Well I like to people-watch too." His eyes traveled from my face and slowly down my body, eliciting a cold chill down my spine.

"I…need to go," I said as I glanced at my watch - five after four. Shit.

"Whoa there, sweetness, I better check you out…make sure you're alright."

I raised an eyebrow at him. Sweetness? Gross. "I'm fine," I grumbled.

He still had a hold of my arm as he sucked a deep breath in through his nose. "Mmmm, you smell so sweet. I could eat you up."

He then proceeded to move his hands slowly down my arms, grazing my breasts and nipples with his thumbs. I gasped out loud. Who did this _motherfucker_ think he was? I fucking glared at him as a sly smile crept across his face and he licked his lips.

"Get your hands off of me, James," I spoke in a low, seething hiss.

"Aw," he purred and cocked his head to the side. "Now where's the fun in that?" He started running his hands back up my arms.

"I _said_…get your _fucking hands_ off of me, James!" My voice raised a couple octaves higher and I started to shake with rage. I felt what seemed like a hundred pair of eyes turn in my direction, but I didn't care about that. If he thought I was some pansy little girl he could man-handle, he had another thing coming.

His smile suddenly faded quickly and he twisted his mouth into a malevolent sneer, showing his teeth…like a fucking wild animal. "And who's going to make me? You, sweetness? Hmm, yeah, I think I could have some fun with you."

_Jesus_, I was suddenly fucking terrified, but refused to let him see that. Somehow, I freed my left arm from his grasp - which was now tighter than before - and balled my hand into a tight fist. With as much force as I could muster, I swung my arm up and around, plunging my fist through the air, and struck him directly in his right ear.

"Aaagh!" he shrieked and grabbed at his ear, doubling over in pain. The old woman gasped in shock, along with several other people, but I didn't run away. Instead, I stood over him and screamed.

"Don't you EVER fucking touch me again, you sick fuck! You stay the hell away from me!" I walked away as quickly as I could, trying to catch my breath.

"You fucking cunt!" I heard him call from behind me, but I didn't look back. I wouldn't put it past that piece of shit to call security and have me arrested for assault. It wouldn't be hard, there were about fifty witnesses in close proximity and I'm sure they didn't hear what the snake said to me to justify it. A part of me hoped that he'd follow me, even as terrified as I was at the moment, because I was quite sure that Edward despised him and probably wouldn't have a problem putting him to sleep.

XXXX

I stormed into the entrance of the Monument area and barreled toward the huge structure, my eyes darting everywhere, but I didn't see Edward.

"Shit!" I muttered to myself. Where was he? It was now ten after four and I felt even sicker to my stomach.

He had to be here_._ He just had to.

I had expended a great deal of energy trying to conjure up the courage to tell him today, and I knew I wouldn't be able to reach this level again. I began to walk around to the side of the structure to see if he was sitting on the opposite end, when I noticed him.

I was awestruck.

He seemed more beautiful than he had even a week ago when I last saw him…felt him, and suddenly sadness overtook me. This could very well have been the last time he ever chose to speak to me again. My breath caught in my throat and I thought I might suffocate.

He was tucked back into a corner, or maybe more like a cubby, of the huge area…sitting on the ledge of a massive stone section with "Millennium Park" etched in it. He was bent over, the sleeves of his light blue button-up shirt rolled to just under his elbows and resting on his faded blue jean-covered thighs, just above the holes that were ripped out, exposing his bent knees. His head was bent down as well, facing the ground, his hair a sexy pile of mayhem and chaos, each strand seemed to struggle and fight with the next.

I stopped in my tracks, taking in the sight of him. Every square inch of him set my nerves a blaze.

I noticed a cigarette in one of his hands and was a little surprised because I wasn't aware that he still smoked. I watched as he lifted his head a little, enough to bring the cigarette to his lips, his chest heaving slightly as he took a long drag and blew it out slowly. He turned his wrist over and glanced at his watch, as he reached his free hand up and ran it through the chaos on his head. As his hand reached the back of his hair, he lifted his head even further and placed the cigarette back between his lips to take another drag. That was when his eyes caught mine and he froze.

I just stood there, like a deer in the headlights, completely entranced by the power that those emeralds had over me. He lowered his head again and dropped the cigarette, stepping on it. I noticed the crinkling around his eyes as he broke into what appeared to be a relieved smile. When he looked back up at me, his smile had disappeared and his amazing eyes looked so tired and…sad?

I approached him and paused when I reached his side, leaning back against the ledge on which he was sitting, and propped myself up on it, one-handed of course. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. He turned toward me slightly and nudged me with his shoulder.

"Hey, nice cast."

Good God.

His voice sent tingling warmth through me. "Hey," I responded, my disdain from the encounter with James all but dissipated and a relaxing calm came over me. "Thanks….the twins' specialty."

He chuckled and I melted.

I felt safe and at ease. The world could crumble around me and I would be fine as long as I could look into those hypnotizing emeralds.

Suddenly, I thought of the emeralds in my dream, and my smile fell. I swallowed the lump in my throat and broke his gaze, looking away. He reached his hand up and curled his finger under my chin, bringing my eyes back to him.

"You okay?" he asked, his voice seemed to be filled with concern and he was looking at me with the strangest expression…like I was about to smack him or something.

"Oh," I managed a chuckle as my heart beat in my throat. "Um, n-nothing. It's nothing," I sighed. "Just…seeing people…couples…happy. Just hurts a little." I shook my head, trying to gain some of the courage back that I lost when he looked at me.

"What happened?" he snapped, then tried to downplay his obvious unease with my home life. "I mean…did _he_ do something…I mean, was he, uh, was he home? _Jesus!_ I'm sorry, Bella, I shouldn't be asking…"

"No, it-it's okay," I stammered. _Jesus_ was right; I could barely fucking talk around the guy. "He, um, he wasn't home. He…didn't get home until Saturday, um, night." And then I chuckled again. "Wonderful, huh, real nice," I said, rolling my eyes. "_God, _how fucking embarrassing."

"Bella, stop." He placed his hand on the top of my thigh and I did stop…breathing. "You have nothing to be embarrassed about around me. I've known Jacob for a long time too. I see what…" he sighed. "What he's turned into." He pursed his lips, mumbling under his breath, "A douche bag."

I wished I could have felt something at that moment for Jake, something like loyalty, compassion for him for evidently having to put up with someone crazy and damaged like myself. Shouldn't I have been defending him? The truth was I couldn't do it. Jake would never understand and would never stop telling me to get over it…to put it behind me and move on. I knew it was mean to say what I said to him about his mother's death. I felt like an asshole after a while for saying it, but I could think of no other way to convey to him the type of feelings that I felt when I lost that baby, for anyone to go through that- either by choice or not by choice. No, he would never ever understand, and I couldn't justify telling Edward to _not_ speak about my husband that way. Edward was right. The issue at hand however, was that until I told Edward about it, I never would move on.

Edward looked down quickly when he noticed my body tense, to where his hand was resting on my thigh. He must have misread me because he promptly removed his hand and muttered, "I—I'm sorry."

"It's okay," I responded immediately and smiled at him, hoping to convey that the tension was not from discomfort, but rather the jolt of electricity caused by his touch.

"So," he started, and sighed as if he were waiting to hear bad news from his doctor - ironically speaking - like he was about to get diagnosed with cancer or something. "You—you wanted to talk to me, right?"

"Uh…" I opened my mouth to speak but couldn't get any words to come out.

"Bella?" His brow furrowed in confusion, as he searched my face for some clue of why I asked him to be here today.

I opened my mouth again and drew in a breath completely abashed, but as ready as I was going to get. "Edward…." I started, but at that same moment a young woman came over and sat down near us, although still several feet away. She was holding a newborn baby in its carrier. I could tell it was newborn by its distinct cry and as she picked the baby up to soothe it, the thick pink blanket was a dead give away that it was a little girl.

I froze but held my breath and as subtly as possible, wrapped my arms around my waist and squeezed to keep the emotional wound from opening again. I didn't want Edward to notice my reaction. At the same time, I heard him take in a ragged breath and exhale sharply. I looked around at him, afraid I'd been busted and somehow, he'd figured it all out. I was taken aback by the expression on his face.

His eyes were averted toward the ground, his lips tightly together in a straight line across his face and his brow was curled up in obvious _pain_ of some kind. At first glance, it appeared to be physical pain. I looked him over quickly, but didn't notice anything except the same amazing view I had since seeing him initially.

"Edward?" I asked but he didn't look up. "Edward, what's wrong?"

He shook his head from side to side slowly, still silent. I started getting worried at that point and reached over, burying my hand in his disheveled mess of hair.

"Are you okay? Edward! Are you okay?"

Then he looked up at me. _My God. _

He was wincing. He _was_ in pain, but why? I leaned back slightly, almost afraid to keep talking.

"What's going on?" I asked. He inhaled and his eyes seemed to become watery.

Fuck. He knew. How though? _How did he know_?

"I," he started, his voice shaky and thick with emotion. "I…I lost…I lost a patient this morning."

_Holy Shit._

I cupped my hand immediately over my mouth in shock. "Oh my God, Edward, I'm–I'm so sorry." I didn't know what the fuck to say. What do you say to a doctor who lost a patient? He looked…he looked devastated. He began to stammer, as if he didn't know what to say either.

"I mean, I didn't lose a patient of _mine_, really…I mean, I almost did. The—the one I lost was, well I guess it _was_ my…" He sighed in frustration with himself, I assumed. "I guess—I guess I never told you what kind of doctor I am." He tried the crooked smile, but it was all wrong, it didn't reach his eyes…they were still in a very dark place. I just continued to gaze at him, but raised an eyebrow to let him know that in fact, he had not told me.

"I, um, well I'm an obstetrician and gynecologist." His eyes darted to his right - where I sat - I suppose waiting for some adverse or sarcastic reaction. I honestly could not find the humor in it that I found the other day, so he got neither.

Instead, I nodded my head in understanding and smiled, before saying, "That…that's wonderful, Edward."

"It is?" He seemed surprised.

I just muttered a quiet, "Yes, it is."

He swallowed and sighed again, the crooked smile a distant memory as his face turned to that of grief once more. "I suppose it is, until days like today happen."

Instinctively, I reached up and ran my hand through his hair, trying to convey the sympathy I felt for him through my touch.

"I'm sure," I replied softly. I tried to keep the emotion at bay. "I'm here…if you want to ta—"

He interrupted suddenly, as he seemed to get lost in his thoughts. "I lost the baby, Bella. I lost it. It was…it was my responsibility to make sure it made it through, and I lost it." He took a deep breath, staring at nothing but quickly continued. "_God_, it was in so much trouble when I got there…barely had a pulse." Another breath. "We got her out in record time, though," he winced again. "But she was so small, and the cord…it was wrapped tight around her neck- twice." He closed his eyes and shook his head. "_We tried so hard_…"

"H—her?" I whispered

"A little baby girl," he said softly, his eyes still closed.

I turned my head for a second and looked away, muttering softly, "_Oh Jesus_."

"My nurses, they worked on her for so long, and—and I was busy with Laur—the mother, closing her up and making sure she was stable. She had…she had pre-eclampsia and developed toxemia because of it. Um, that's where her BP…uh, blood pressure, spiked so high that she started having seizures," he continued.

I nodded because I knew what it was.

"The, uh, the only way to save the mother…in a case like that is delivery. So—so we had no choice. _Fuck!_" He cried out and ran his hands through his hair, then reached down to squeeze mine. "She was so beautiful, Bella. She looked like a porcelain doll." I felt a tear escape as he continued quietly. "The mother was stable within minutes and so I tried to help with the baby. I—I _fucking tried everything…everything_. I couldn't get her back. I—I just couldn't get her to take a breath." He dropped his head - nearly to his lap - his back billowing as he seemed to try to control his emotion. "I'm a fucking doctor, Bella. This is what I do. I'm supposed to deliver _live, healthy_ babies. _I fucking failed._"

I ran my hand down his back and let another tear escape as I tried to comfort him.

"You didn't fail, Edward. You—you can't save all of them. You did everything you could. You…"

"I failed," he said, matter-of-factly. "I failed that beautiful baby. I failed giving her a chance to grow up with a family that wanted her _so badly_…that couldn't have one of their own. I failed her a—adoptive parents. This…you know…this could've been their only shot at a family and _I fucking screwed them_!" His voice was getting a little louder, anger now lacing it.

"She…she was going to be adopted," I said. It wasn't a question. I was thinking out loud and I was starting to slowly lose it.

How the fuck was I supposed to tell him what I needed to tell him now? There was no way I could do it. _Here, Edward. Here's something else for you to chew on, while you're self-loathing and suicidal. Why don't you just lay down here on the concrete and let me kick you, repeatedly, in the stomach._

Nope. No fucking way.

"Yes, she was," he responded, cutting into my thoughts. "The birth mother, she's really young…sixteen, and so _irresponsible_." He shook his head again, "I was on the fence about it, you know, the whole adoption thing because…here you have this - you know - precious little person that YOU'VE created. It's beautiful and helpless and it _needs_ you to take care of it and… Why wouldn't you want it? Why would you just give it away like it was some old used piece of furniture, you know?"

I felt like that sixteen-year-old; like I was the one he was talking to - directing this to - and I tried to control my breathing because if I didn't, I was going to hyperventilate.

"I mean, this girl's family is rich. You can't tell me they couldn't take care of it, they just…and SHE just didn't fucking _want_ to." His voice was full of disgust for a very brief moment, over this young girl. "But then I started really thinking about it, and this girl…this girl was in _no way_ ready to be a mom and why should her parents have to? There are wonderful people, like the ones that were going to….that—that can't have kids. They should have a shot at a family, right? And…I mean, I'm not a young girl…" He chuckled softly. "And I'm not the one who's in that situation, so I—I don't know how it feels to be, I guess - I don't know - I guess if you aren't able to take care of it the way it should be, it should be with people that can...right?"

I couldn't speak to answer him. I just nodded my head and cleared my throat a couple times. Finally finding my voice and asked, "How is she?"

"Who?"

"The birth mother…the teenager. How is she?"

He searched my face for a minute, which I'm sure was a complete mess, and looked a bit confused before answering, "Oh. She's going to be okay now. Exhausted and I'm sure very sore, but okay. I doubt she'll remember much about the birth, and—and she didn't want to know _anything_ about the baby, so we didn't tell her. I suppose it's probably better that way…for her."

I slapped both of my hands over my face. _Jesus fucking Christ, it was me. I was lying in that hospital bed right now. It was me all over again, just a younger version of me._

I was definitely starting to hyperventilate now. Unfortunately, it was difficult to hide that.

"Shit! Bella! Are you okay?" He pulled my hands from my face and replaced them with his, pulling my head up to meet his eyes. "Listen to me. Breathe slowly…slowly."

Eventually I got myself back to normal with Edward's help, and _thank God_ he didn't ask me why. I was so done at that point, I was getting ready to apologize profusely and call it a day. I couldn't listen to it any longer, although I was sure I deserved every bit of it and more if he ever did find out what I was keeping from him. As much as I wanted to comfort him, if I did, I'd end up in a padded fucking cell by morning.

"Damn it!" he said through clenched teeth, and I snapped my head up to look at him. "I'm sorry Bella, here I've been going on and on about this and completely ignored that you wanted to talk me." He made a gesture toward me with his hand, and nodding his head he said, "Please, you have the floor." His crooked smile made its genuine appearance again. He was obviously feeling better having gotten all of that off his chest.

I, on the other hand, felt like an _elephant_ was sitting on my chest.

I just stared at him, at a complete loss for words and not even having the wits about me to make something up at this point, until his face turned serious again and he took my chin in his hand.

"Bella?"

The electricity from his touch must have jump-started the nerves in my brain, because I snapped out of it just like that.

"Oh, um…" I managed a smile and shook my head as I pressed my lips tightly together and swallowed. "Nothing that dramatic," I lied.

"Oh," he exhaled, and seemed to be relieved. He had no idea. I scrambled in my head, quickly trying to think of some other reason why I would have wanted to meet him here. Finally I decided to say what I had figured I'd never get to say after I had revealed what I'd been keeping from him. So I started talking, throwing caution to the wind and hoping I didn't put my foot in my mouth. "I, well, I wanted to tell you that I got your text."

His eyes darkened and he looked…nervous?

"Edward, you have _nothing_ to be sorry about, I…" I sighed. "I was in full control of myself and my actions that night." I rolled my eyes. "Well, maybe not _full_ control." He grimaced. "What I mean is I would be…really upset if you kept blaming yourself. I mean, _shit_. I can't tell you how I feel about you Edward, but I want you to understand that…" His fucking eyes were killing me, pouring fire into mine. "I don't….hold any grudge against you…for all those years ago. We—we both made mistakes, Edward, and well, it was a long time ago."

He furrowed his brow in apparent confusion and said, "So…you brought me to this beautiful place…" He pointed around him. "…to tell me that you're not mad at me?"

"Um, yes?"

"You're holding out on me, Bella," he stated, looking as if he could see into my soul. "Can I ask you something?"

I nodded. "Of course."

"Why can't you tell me how you feel about me?"

I gulped, which embarrassed me because he could probably fucking hear it. My face flooded with crimson. "Because," was all I offered on my own.

He scooted closer to me and I instinctively leaned toward him slightly. _I swear to Christ, there's a magnetic force-field between us._

He leaned in, close enough that I was engulfed in him - in his scent. His lips were inches from mine when he whispered, "You're so stubborn. 'Because' is not an answer." My heart stopped and my breath caught in my throat. "Now," he kept on, "can you try that again?"

I nearly choked on my words as I spoke the truth to him, wanting to dive into him head-first and never look back.

"Because…because my morals won't allow me to. Because…I'm married and…and no matter how unhappy I am, I couldn't allow myself to tell a man other than my husband, how much I still…" He raised an eyebrow and licked his lower lip before he buried his teeth in it…in anticipation. I stuttered as I completed my sentence, almost inaudibly. "…_l-love him_."

I closed my eyes as I said the last part, unable to get myself to check the expression of his reaction, and the next thing I knew, his lips were on mine. His tongue parted them gently to gain access and I met it with my own, briefly. My body burst into flames, but I pulled away from him and looked around. My eyes were darting this way and that, and I was praying that we were incognito.

"Bella," he breathed. I turned back to him, his eyes the familiar liquid green fire that burned through me. "You look amazing in the twilight."

"Wh—what?" I looked up to see that the sun was just below the horizon, streams of gold, crimson and copper melting together in its wake, forming the most beautiful sunset. He chuckled as he looked up at my hair and back down to my face, which I was sure was a bright crimson itself.

"When the light hits you at this time of day…your skin…your hair…those fucking gorgeous eyes. You sparkle like a diamond…and I can't get enough of you. I—I can't tell you how I feel about you either, Bella, because…well, because there aren't words to describe it."

I exhaled and looked up at him through my lashes, gnawing on my lower lip before I whispered, our lips almost touching again.

"You're going to make it hard for me to go home tonight."

He leaned in and brushed his lips across mine, moving them up my jaw slowly until he reached my ear and breathed into it, making me shiver. I could feel the smile creep across his mouth as he responded, simply, but singing to my soul…

"I'm going to try."

XXXX

_***Chapter End Notes, A/N: You know I love to hear your thoughts, so hit that review button, pretty-please! **_

_**Edward's POV coming up next chapter…and I suppose you lovely readers deserve a little lemony goodness. I'll see what I can do about that. **_


	25. Chapter 23 Had Enough

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past**

**Chapter 23, "Had Enough" ~ Breaking Benjamin**

Edward's POV

_***A/N- As always, my betas are fabulous and have a very difficult job…major sloppy kisses to them! Browns, thanks for your tough love, darlin. **_

_**Reviews were amazing from last chapter and I love reading them. Thanks to those of you taking the time out to leave your thoughts. Some of you are very strongly opinionated and some are just excited for the next chapter. I love them all! **_

_**You'll get to see a little bad ass Edward in this chapter, a little broken Edward, and a playfully sexy Edward. Hmm, it's so hard to decide which one I love more…okay, okay, sexy Edward trumps all, but I like some bad ass-ness! Enjoy!**_

_**Song Link: Had Enough, **__**http:/ www (.) youtube (.) com/watch?v=ud6NLogW39A**_

_**Yes, we all know that the one and only Stephanie Meyer owns the Twilight Saga and the characters, but let's face it, without certified maniacs like ourselves, there wouldn't BE a phenomenon! One day, I shall wish upon a star that Edward will be mine…until then, I own his ass in this story! It's all mine. No copying, ok, BB's!**_

_**GRAPHIC CONTENT WARNING**__**: for violence at the beginning. (Hence, the bad ass Edward I was talking about!)**_

XXXX

"_Milk it for all it's worth; make sure you get there first,_

_The apple of your eye; the rotten core inside,_

_We are all prisoners; things couldn't get much worse,_

_I've had it up to here; you know your end is near,_

_You had to have it all; well have you had enough?_

_You greedy little bastard, you will get what you deserve._

_When all is said and done, I will be the one,_

_To leave you in the misery and hate what you've become,_

_Intoxicated eyes; no longer live that life,_

_You should have learned by now; I'll burn this whole world down,_

_I need some peace of mind; no fear of what's behind,_

_You think you've won this fight; you've only lost your mind,_

_You had to have it all; well have you had enough?_

_You greedy little bastard, you will get what you deserve,_

_When all is said and done, I will be the one,_

_To leave you in the misery and hate what you've become,_

_Hold me down (I will live again),_

_Pull me out (I will break it in),_

_Hold me down (better in the end),_

_Hold me down!_

_You had to have it all; well have you had enough?_

_You greedy little bastard, you will get what you deserve,_

_When all is said and done, I will be the one,_

_To leave you in the misery and hate what you've become,_

_Heaven help you!_

_Heaven help you!"_

XXXX

"I DON'T FUCKING KNOW, CARLISLE!" I screamed, as I sprang to my feet from the chair I was sitting in – in his office. I couldn't fucking _think_ straight. I couldn't think, and Carlisle was asking me these…these _questions_ that I was definitely not in the right state of mind to answer.

"Edward," he said in a calm voice, his arms up, palms facing me in a submissive gesture. "You need to calm down, Son."

"FUCKING CALM DOWN? You want me to CALM DOWN?" My voice _had_ gone down, but only a mere octave.

In reality, I really did need to calm down. I was a skilled and trained doctor, for _Christ's _sake, and I was still at the hospital. Carlisle wasn't trying to be my dad at that point. He was trying to be professional and was asking me _professional_ questions about the preceding chain of events in the wee hours of this morning.

I knew exactly what happened. Lauren's body gave out on her because she was an active sixteen-year-old who couldn't fathom lying on her back for weeks. Her _mom_ was no help with that particular issue. The only way to save her life was to get the baby out and fast. There _was_ no choice in the matter. The baby had the cord wrapped around her neck, and it was all just a recipe for disaster. I didn't blame Lauren, and I didn't blame her mother - although I probably _should_ have - and of course I certainly didn't blame Carlisle. There was one person to blame in this fucking failed situation and that was _me_…for not saving the baby.

Carlisle's attempts at helping in an impersonal manner by asking about stats and procedures were futile. Unfortunately because he was there and because he was my dad, he was taking the brunt of my emotional vomit as I proceeded to fall to pieces in a melt down of epic-fucking-proportions.

I couldn't get a hold of myself. I couldn't separate my personal feelings from this, so I continued to fall the fuck apart.

"I shouldn't BE a doctor, goddamn it!"

"Edward."

I refused to even _hear _him.

"If I can't do the job I'm SUPPOSED to do, I should just HANG IT UP RIGHT NOW!"

"Edward…you can't…"

I still refused to hear him.

"No." Now I was pacing back and forth in front of Carlisle's desk and shaking my head. "NO! The babies that_ I_ deliver are supposed to come out strong and healthy…and BREATHING! They're supposed to fucking breathe! FUCK!" I ran my hand through my hair and grabbed a fist full of it, still pacing, still falling apart. "I fucking swear to _Christ_, Carlisle, if I could revoke my own motherfucking license, I'd do it right now!"

"Edward, please listen…"

"If I'm not a good enough DOCTOR that I can't get my PATIENTS or their stubborn, ignorant MOTHERS," I turned my head and screamed toward the closed office door. "…to LISTEN to what I'm telling them to do, then…then…"

"EDWARD!"

I had no choice but to hear that. "WHAT?" I was now heaving to try and catch my breath. I could feel the sweat running down the sides of my temples and at the back of my neck.

"Edward, SIT!" He was now irritated - and being a little sterner that necessary in my opinion - but apparently, he had enough of my manic raging. So I sat again and listened, for once, to my father. "Edward, I don't want to hear those words come out of your mouth again. You're _excellent_ at what you do! You have the highest pregnancy success rate in this hospital, and—"

"I do?" I rolled my eyes like an asshole and spat, "Yeah, _right_."

"Uh, yes you do. Now, STOP interrupting!" He glared at me.

I put my hands up in defeat, and mouthed a sarcastic "Okay" as Carlisle continued to explain to me how _as doctors, we will lose patients…how we have to learn to handle these things _- to which I shot a couple daggers at him - _how we cannot get even the brightest of patients to listen to us sometimes, etc. etc. _It was rather predictable, what he was saying…your standard '_comes with the territory_ 'speech, and the '_don't give up what you've worked so hard for'_ speech. All sound advice from a brilliant surgeon who knew a hell of a lot more than I did. However, basically what I heard was _blah-blah-blah…blah-blah-blah-blah_. That was it. Until that fucker used the adoption card on me and I was forced to hear every fucking word of that.

"Edward, I know why you're so upset." He sighed. "The adoption involving this baby has gotten to you and I understand why."

My mouth fell open a bit and my eyes narrowed at the fact that he wouldn't just let me be pissed and continue to rant and rave…maybe tear some shit up. _Oh no_, he had to go and pull on the fucking heartstrings, per usual.

"I've noticed, son, that each case you have involving adoption becomes almost an obsession of yours and you always work, as it seems, extra hard on them."

"Carlisle, stop," I said as calmly as I could. It was embarrassing enough that I'd shown my ass unprofessionally by freaking the fuck out, I certainly did not need to break down in tears like a goddamned pansy-ass motherfucker right now. I would've had absolutely no hope of gaining my respect back after that.

He continued, "Son, I know that you're, well partial to these cases because of your own personal experience with it…"

"Stop, Carlisle." I was starting to feel the lump thicken in my throat, and my blood pressure began to rise again.

"Look," he said. "Edward, I know that you're mother and I…well, we were so grateful to have you, and the family…the one that was to adopt this baby…well, son, they _will_ have their family someday."

"Carlisle, _please_…"

"And I know that we've never really addressed this with you. So if—if you wanted to talk about it, we're…"

"NO CARLISLE!" I shrieked, and slammed my hand onto his desk. He jumped before placing his fingertips to his temples and rubbing them in circles as he closed his eyes.

_Perfect._ Now I felt like a complete asshole.

I tried to tone it down a bit, as I addressed my outburst and sighed, running my hands through my mess of hair. "Look, I don't want to fucking talk about it. I'm—I'm fine with that, okay?" He nodded in understanding, but with a pained look on his face. "I—I just need to go home and chill out, and try to _think_." I sighed again, "I…Carlisle, I know you've just been trying to help…"

Just then, there was a light tap on the door and it opened abruptly soon after.

"Doctor Cullen, I have the results of—oh."

I turned toward the male voice, not really paying attention to it. However, when I saw who it was, I was instantly annoyed.

"James, I'm in a meeting right now," Carlisle stated hastily, but the moron didn't take the hint.

"Well, Doctor Junior! Hey buddy!" I cringed. _Again with the 'buddy' shit. Sarcastic fucking douche._ Oh, he kept it up, though, and _I _was about to crack. "Hey," he lowered his voice to a sympathetic almost whisper albeit I could hear the mockery ringing through. "Tough break today, huh? Yep. Guess it happens sometimes."

I was glaring at him as he kept running his insubordinate fucking mouth.

"Man…" He shook his head. "I've seen, you know, people die, but a baby?"

"James, that's quite enough," Carlisle interceded quickly.

"That sucks…for _you_, buddy." Then the motherfucker chuckled. _Chuckled!_

"James!" I faintly heard Carlisle's warning to him, but it was too late. I was out of my chair before he got the last word out of his godforsaken mouth. I grabbed two fists full of his scrubs and slammed him up against the wall with enough force to shake Carlisle's entire office, as well as knock him senseless for a second.

"You slimy fucking _cock-sucker_!" I growled. He seemed to get his senses back rather quickly and started whining like a little girl.

"Edward STOP!" I could hear Carlisle's fervent objection from behind me.

"Carlisle! Call security! I want him arrested! This is _assault_!" he squealed like a fucking little piglet.

"Go ahead, _motherfucker_," I spat in his face. "Get security up here! They wouldn't have a snowball's chance in hell of keeping me from fucking you up!" This crazy bastard just stared at me, straight-faced. Did he not understand that I had the capability of taking his life in that very instance? I wanted to beat the fucking _hell_ out of him, but I held myself back. The piece of shit was lucky Carlisle was around to save his ass. No, instead, I leaned in close to him and growled again through my clenched teeth, seething and hissing.

"You better hope to God I don't EVER see you on the street, you _motherfucking piece of shit_. Because if I do, I will break every goddamned bone in your worthless body! You stay the HELL away from me. You stay the HELL away from my family, and you BETTER stay the FUCK away from Bella…because if you don't—"

"Edward, stop NOW!" Carlisle shrieked. He knew what I was capable of doing to James, and he was afraid for him - as he should have been.

"Yes, Edward, stop," James said with a smirk. "Besides, I have to see your family. I work for your _daddy_, remember? And Rose…well, she's got a _thing_ for me. You think I'd make a good step-daddy for your little boy?"

"SHUT UP, James!" Carlisle screeched a warning again, but he didn't heed.

"Oh, and as for Bella…" James lowered his voice to a whisper. "She just _wants_ me." Then he proceeded to blow a kiss at me and smiled.

_Oh, this motherfucker had a death wish._

I pulled him away from the wall slightly, only to slam him back against it - eliciting a breathy "oomph" from him - and jammed my forearm into his throat. I could've crushed it right there, but I didn't. I wanted to watch this prick squirm and struggle for air.

"If you don't stay the fuck away from her, _you waste of oxygen_, so-fucking-help me, I will cut your cock off and fucking FEED it to you!"

I watched the fear enter his eyes and his pupils began to dilate. His face turned pink, then deep red, then purple and started to turn blue…but the rage was still flowing through me.

"Goddamn it, Edward, STOP! You're killing him! Stop now! STOP!" Carlisle roared. I heard his chair hit the wall behind him, but I didn't hear him come up behind me, as I was too caught up in the snarling of my own voice. Abruptly, I felt his gentle hands become hard as he placed them on my shoulders and gripped them, trying to pull me back.

I was shaking with rage as I let go of James' shirt and he collapsed to the floor, coughing and gasping for air. His hand automatically darted to his own throat. I turned and, in yanking my lab coat off of the chair I'd been sitting in, I glanced at Carlisle. He was just staring at me, unbridled fear and shock plastered across his face. I furrowed my brow and shook my head in a silent apology to my father, and then turned and swung the door open, storming out of Carlisle's office.

I couldn't stop thinking about what had just transpired. After sliding into the driver's seat of my car, I gripped the steering wheel tightly and squeezed my eyes shut, taking several deep, ragged and painful breaths. I pried my hands off of the wheel and turned them over, staring at my palms. What I could have done to James scared the shit out of me. I had no idea what kind of damage I had already done to him, but one thing was certain in my mind at that point. If Carlisle had not been there, I didn't think I would've stopped until I _had _killed him.

The rage was still evident in me as I was now enveloped in the anger I felt toward James and the anger I felt toward myself. It flowed together like two raging rivers. "FUCK!" I screamed, and slammed my palms into the steering wheel repeatedly until I heard the hard plastic of the steering column crack, and stopped abruptly.

I shook my head and muttered an exasperated, "Fuck me!" before turning the key and exiting the parking garage.

XXXX

I glanced at the clock on the wall in the kitchen as I tossed my keys, wallet and badge on the counter, dragging my fingers through my hair. It read six a.m., and I was exhausted beyond reason. I hadn't slept in almost twenty-four hours, but my head was still spinning and I knew that sleep would not come easy for me. Not only did the images of Lauren's baby - as well as the images of the devastated and crushed adoptive parents - flash in my mind ever time I tried to close my eyes, but I kept recalling the controlled chaos in the O.R. and the exasperated tears of relief from Lauren's parents as I told them that their daughter had pulled through. I kept struggling between wanting to shake them senseless for the lack of compassion they showed for the dead baby, and wanting to celebrate with them in the fact that their child had come back from the brink of death. And _now_, this bullshit with James was running through my fucking head as well.

To top it all off, I had agreed to meet with Bella later in the day, probably to be told I'd fucked her life up enough and she never wanted to see me again. I wished if that were the case, she would've just sent me a text to tell me to _fuck off_. Of course, I then went off on a mental debate in my own head about whether one was more likely to be asked to a meeting in a public park in the middle of the day for good news or bad. I settled on bad. It seemed appropriate, because that was just where the fuck my head was at the time.

"Jesus fucking _Christ_!" I said to myself out loud. "Snap out of it!"

When I heard my cell ringing in the kitchen, I dragged my ass off of the sofa and trudged to the counter, picking it up just in time to miss the call…from Carlisle.

"Son of a bitch," I muttered as I stared at it for a moment before pressing the 'send' button to return his call. My heart was pounding a little; I was riddled with anxiety that this was a warning call, to tell me that the Chicago PD was on their way to haul me in.

Quite the contrary, I found out when he answered. He proceeded to scold and berate me, the same way he did when I was seventeen years old and wrecked his Mercedes - that he'd had for two days - into the garage door because I was drunk and pressed the gas peddle instead of the break. He continued to rant and rave through the phone, asking if I even _realized_ what could have happened, and if I _understood_ the damage-control he was going to have to take on. Also, he reminded me, if this got out, things would not bode well for me in front of the board as they proceeded with the standard investigation of the events leading to the newborn's death. He rounded out the epic ass-chewing with a reminder that 'given my lack of self-control, maybe I should take a few days off to get myself together.' _Pfft…gladly_.

I felt like a total and complete fuckwad and of course, apologized more than once. I tried not to sound smug because he was right on all aspects, especially the one where I acted on my rage and nearly killed that motherfu—that weasel. I smirked to myself when I thought of that, because the prick deserved it for the shit he said to me. It was deliberate and it was malicious…and he certainly didn't expect the wrath he felt afterward. I could see _that_ in his eyes. But Carlisle didn't deserve it, so I wiped the smirk off of my face quickly as if he might see it through the phone. He then proceeded to tell me I was lucky he had talked James out of pressing charges - to which my nostrils flared and I clenched my teeth. He went on to say how he had explained to the fucking rat, how _he_ had essentially been the cause of the situation by barging in on our 'meeting,' and it probably wouldn't have ended up in his favor.

"So you should consider yourself quite lucky," he said. I could feel the tension through the phone.

"You're right, I'm so sorry, Dad, and thank you," I sounded like a child when I replied.

He sort of half gasped because I very rarely called him 'Dad,' and then he muttered, as if I was ten years old and had gotten into a fight with a classmate at school, "Oh, and Edward, I really think you need to apologize to James."

"WHAT?" I screamed. _So much for gratitude. Right out the window._ "No fucking way, Carlisle! Are you _kidding_ me? You're kidding, right? TELL me you're kidding! Did you not see…weren't you there? HELL NO! Just…no. You must be out of your mind!"

Of course, he was quick to remind me that he was not the one who nearly choked someone into unconsciousness at his place of employment. I guess I couldn't argue with that one, but I still refused. Hell would have to completely fucking freeze solid before that would _ever_ happen. Of that, I was absolutely certain. My only reply to Carlisle was that I hoped one day he would see James for the creepy, manipulative fucking snake that he was.

After getting off of the phone and slamming it on the counter, once again knocking the battery out of it - I really did need to get a sturdier phone to match my temper - I headed to the shower. I wasn't sure if it was the fact that I was completely ass-tired, or if it was the conversation with Carlisle and the confrontation with James, or if it was the anxiety I felt about seeing Bella and the possibility of her telling me something I couldn't handle. Maybe it was a combination of everything, but as I was getting out of the shower my stomach lurched and I reached the toilet just in time to heave into it. Heave is exactly what I did too, over and over again. Luckily, I hadn't eaten much at all over the past twenty-four hours, so there wasn't much to get rid of. But it didn't make it any less to mention, I was naked and soaking wet as I leaned over the toilet, holding my towel to my chest in one hand and gripping my porcelain hell with the other.

I was in hell. At least that was how it felt and on top of all of it, I was irritated as fuck with myself for my inability to handle the stress that was handed to me.

Although I felt better physically afterward, I didn't even feel like getting dressed, so I crashed in my bed in the nude. The sheets felt so nice and cool against my sweaty skin – thanks to my stress-induced vomit session – and I contemplated sleeping like this from now on. Of course, it would be so much better with someone _else_ lying next to me. _One person in particular, equally as naked as I was_. As I thought of her in this fashion – her name playing on repeat in my head - my dick twitched in response and I clenched my teeth. I didn't force her out of my mind this time, however, and I wrapped my hand around my dick with force as I let out a ragged breath. I stroked it until I fucking released… hard…expelling all of my energy. And soon after, I passed out.

XXXX

Our meeting was shocking in a way that was unexpected. Especially when I saw her standing a few feet away from me as I pulled on my cigarette, panicking in some respect.

I tried not to be early, which was difficult seeing that what she had to say was _all_ I could bring myself to think about after I woke up, groggy and fucking starving to death. So I arrived at The Monument at exactly four o'clock, maybe a minute or two after. Just prior to that, I was lucky enough to actually find her car in the parking garage, and parked right next to her.

I know I must have stared at her car for a good five minutes, producing a conversation that had yet to take place, but that kept reeling through my head. I had tried to think of ways to make her change her mind all day with nothing sounding remotely good enough. I even entertained the idea of seducing her, right there in the fucking park. I knew how she responded to me physically and if it was even the tiniest bit close to the way my own body responded to her, she wouldn't have had a chance. I stopped short of thinking about kidnapping, because I wasn't a damned criminal. Although the way I felt about her now seemed to get me crazy enough to do practically _anything_.

My hopes all but died when I finally saw her. I'd almost given up - sitting there waiting for her, the thoughts of Lauren and the baby, the standard investigation that would follow, and everything else trying to punch through the wall I'd put up in my mind - because she was going on ten minutes late. I had picked up a pack of smokes when I left my apartment, feeling even more like a fucking failure because it had been quite a while since I had touched those things. But, as they say, that shit was like riding a fucking bicycle. Besides that, it actually did help calm my relentless nerves as I sat there alone…waiting for _rejection_.

I internally berated myself because, _hello_, the girl was fucking married…with a family. Honestly, I didn't even know what the hell I was hoping for…for her to come and say, "_Oh please, Edward, take me away. I'm all yours. I'm divorcing Jacob now._" Definitely was NOT going to happen. Even if she did want me as bad as I wanted her, I was smart enough to know that sort of decision didn't come without serious consequences, and that shit could get messy regardless. If I knew Bella at all, I knew that she would weigh a decision like that heavily…what it would do to her children…the war that would inevitably occur between Jacob and me because of it…and her father and sister, who I was quite certain still hated my fucking guts.

Sadly, though, that was _exactly_ what I wanted her to come to me and say, followed - of course - by the most mind-blowing sex ever known to man, all night long. _Fuck!_ My dick twitched again at the thought of that, and I wanted to punch myself for letting those images invade me again. Nevertheless, it was quite evident from the mere look on her face that I was entertaining a fairytale which would never happen.

Other than the rigidity in her stance, she looked tired, angry, and a little bit scared which really freaked me out. I wondered why she would be scared, unless what she was about to say was devastating and she knew it would hurt my feelings…assuming she didn't want to. The sadness I noticed in her deep blue eyes complemented the fear and anger well, but I felt the tiniest bit of relief. The sadness, at least, showed me that she cared enough to be upset at the thought of hurting my feelings. This gave me a little something to work with.

I couldn't stop myself from grinning a little once she was finally there with me. On the one hand, it was pure relief that she'd even chosen to show up, but on the other hand, I was amused when I looked her over quickly. Her dark, snuggly-fit jeans accentuated her hips and thighs in the most un-fucking-believable way. Her thick brown waves cascaded over her shoulders, framing her beautiful, angry face which thankfully seemed to dissipate as she walked forward and sat down next to me. What caught my attention the most was the thick, Chicago Bears hoodie she had on. The right cuff appeared to have been cut to fit her cast through, but was still quite tight around it.

The cast was another amusement all together. It had been _magically_ transformed into an almost glowing, multi-colored sight, and was screaming for attention. I knew that it had to be the work of the twins and this just made me want her even more. The fact that she would let them graffiti her cast showed me what kind of mother she was because there was no way, in a million years, that _Rose_ would ever let Kellan come anywhere near her with markers. _If she ever had a cast, she would probably have to have some kind of fucking designer shit to cover it just so she could be seen in public. Ugh! She fucking made my stomach turn._

I was cautious about it, but I had to tease her, because if I didn't, _let's be honest_, she would've known something was wrong with me. Thankfully it seemed to brighten her mood a little bit, and that warmed my heart, made me happy. But that happiness was short-lived because as soon as she looked into my eyes her smile faded and she had to turn away. _Welcome back anxiety and fucking uncertainty_. I stifled it, and tried to get to the bottom of just what the hell was going on.

Like an idiot, I just had to go off about Jake and probably made her feel even worse; not to mention the fact that I couldn't seem to keep my hands off of her.

_Christ_, her reactions were killing me.

I couldn't tell whether she was trying to hold back from kissing me…or slapping the shit out of me. I chose to believe the latter. Less of a 'slap in the face,' pun fucking intended, when she told me to fuck off for good.

I just wanted - or needed rather - to have it done and over with. If I sat there for too long with her, before she cut my heart out, I wasn't sure I would've made it home in one piece.

Exactly my fuck rotten luck that some chick would sit down, not ten feet from us with a newborn motherfucking baby _girl_! I silently asked God what the hell he thought he was doing exactly. Was this some kind of cruel, sick joke?

_Oh, I'm sure he was up there cracking his ass up saying, 'That's what you get for fucking with a married woman, Bitch."_

I couldn't handle it.

The events of the wee hours of this morning hit me like a sledge hammer and took my breath away. I hated to admit this shit, but I was falling to pieces in front of her, and obviously freaking her out as I was trying to gain control of myself.

I felt like I _had_ to tell her and, remarkably, felt like I _could_ tell her, like I could tell her anything and everything.

I honestly couldn't think of a time in the recent past that I had tried to hold back the tears that stung my eyes more than I was trying to hold them back at that moment.

I just had to breathe for a few seconds before I could even talk to her. Then, of course, when I did, it all came out in a choppy stammer and made me look and sound like even more of a complete idiot. If nothing else, I thanked God for the fact that I was able to blink away those tears that I knew were going to betray me.

It shocked the hell out of me that she didn't laugh me out of the park when I finally told her the area I specialized in, and _fuck_, it felt so good for her to touch me and comfort me the way she did. That was what I needed…and I didn't want it to stop. I wanted to grab her and kiss her senseless, kiss away my pain and her pain, and forget the world…forget the bullshit going on in our lives and focus on each other.

I was more surprised that my dick didn't even react to her touching me when I was losing my mind and rambling on and on. It wasn't fucking_ about _that at the moment. It was about her showing me how much - I hoped - she cared for me and didn't want me to hurt. I could feel her holding back and _God,_ I just wanted her to wrap those beautiful arms around me and never let me go.

At that point, I was in over my head, and I knew it.

Then she had to go and scare the shit out of me by nearly stroking out. I was definitely not prepared for that reaction, and even though it confused me a little, I reacted the only way I knew how…as Doctor Edward.

As I was trying to bring her back to me and calm her uneven breathing, it occurred to me that whatever her reaction, _I_ was causing it and apparently making it worse for her to get what she needed to off her chest. This fact increasing my anxiety even more, knowing that it had to be something along the lines of what I'd assumed she'd brought me here, to this very public place, for in the first place.

I had to admit, the amount of shock and awe I'd felt up to that point was _nothing_ compared to what I felt when she finally just said it…sort of…in a round about way.

She was telling me she loved me.

_I think._

She was telling _me_ she loved me?

She _was_ telling me she loved me…but…I still felt she was holding something back.

Fuck, man, whatever, I was going to take it. Any part of her telling me even a fraction of what she had told me was enough to send warmth through my body like no other, and I couldn't resist putting my lips on hers…and licking them. To this, my dick did in fact respond. She looked just stunning and I didn't hold back in telling her exactly how I felt.

_Fuck holding back, I'm not doing it anymore_.

Sure enough, as soon as I was close enough to nibble on that cute little earlobe of hers, she jumped like a startled cat.

"Shit! Shit!" she squealed and reached into her hoodie pocket, pulling out her vibrating phone.

I grinned in relief that I wasn't the cause, until she looked at me – horrified - and whispered, "It's Jake. Fuck! Oh, shit! It's Jake!" Her eyes were pleading as she searched my face and she whispered again, "Please don't say a word."

I wanted to be pissed off and scream into the phone that I was with her…that she was mine…but of course I didn't. I just gave her a weak smile and listened to her as she talked to the man who thought he owned her. That thought made me clench my teeth, but then I realized she was lying to him and I allowed a small smile to creep across my face.

"I'm at the museum." She paused and I could barely hear his, what seemed like angry voice on the other end. "By myself, Jake." She sounded snarky, so he must have been accusing her of, well, what she was doing.

I didn't give even the littlest shit. He was in Las-fucking-Vegas, doing God knew what with God knew who. Given his history, and what I'd heard from Emmett, _and_ what was basically confirmed more or less by Bella, I wouldn't put it past Captain Douche to have a couple girls with him as he was talking to his _wife_ on the phone.

"I _said_ I'm by myself…" She paused again. "Yes! I went to the park and now I'm at the museum." Another pause. "No." Apparently he was full of questions. "Because they're with Alice." She was raising her voice a little bit now, and I could tell he had started berating her because her porcelain face was turning beet red. "Because, she's HELPING me chill the fuck out today, JACOB!" She took a deep breath, and I ran my hand from the top of her head, down through her hair, and gently massaged her neck before moving down to the small of her back. I dipped my fingers beneath the fabric, ghosting them side to side across her skin. She jumped a little and closed her eyes, letting out a sigh that I knew was not meant for Jake.

Suddenly her body tensed and she gripped the phone so tightly that her knuckles were white. That was the first time I had noticed that there was a slight redness and fresh bruising to them. There was usually only one way to produce that sort of bruising on those particular appendages, and I was instantly furious. She had punched someone, or something, and I knew who it had to be, if it was actually someone. I ran my fingers over them very lightly, and her eyes flashed to mine for a split second.

Fear.

I recognized it, but I didn't know why. It had to be because she didn't want me to know. I mean, it shouldn't have been any of my fucking business anyway, but I couldn't help the overwhelming feeling of protectiveness I had. I just knew that Jacob had to have said something to her - no doubt regarding me - that was so hurtful, she would risk injuring her other hand to try and get back at him. I wanted to hunt him down and hurt him _for_ her. I couldn't focus on that very long, however, because as soon as I heard the next thing that came out of her mouth - which was twisted in shock and rage - I felt vindication flood through me.

"Who the…_fuck_ was that, Jake?" I heard the brief rumble of his voice on the other end, as she responded to him. "What do you mean _what_? THAT! That voice…" She paused again, as he seemed to interrupt her. "Who?" Then she erupted. "WRONG! That was definitely _not_ Paul's voice, Jacob Black. THAT was distinctly a female!" I heard him rambling on but couldn't make out the words…excuses. She continued to explode on him. "Don't give me that bullshit! Where are you?" His voice rumbled again. "In your room? With whom, I dare ask?" She paused again; her hand was now shaking as she held her phone and listened to his lies. "By yourself. Sure." She had calmed her voice and was now hissing with sarcasm. "Oh, I'm sure it WAS the T.V. Right." She looked over at me with the strangest expression. I knew she must have been feeling like such an A-1 ass, but I was sickly amused by the way she was able to switch on the _pissed off wife_ even with the expression she held looking at me.

The only thing I felt at the time was distress for her and an unbridled disgust for him. Because, although this was her first time _seeing someone else_ behind her husband's back…this was definitely not Jake's, if that was what was going on in Vegas. I had an ass-load of money that said it was. I was sure Bella's head was swimming with guilt, not to mention the _A_-word…adultery, because I was also certain _that_ was what she felt she was doing at this point. I had a feeling she would let that shit eat up every bit of self-worth she owned, and I wanted to shake it out of her. _I swear_, the fuckery that girl conjured up sometimes in her own head, about herself, was enough to drive me mad.

We were talking.

That was it…right now, anyway.

Yes, we'd had an intimate encounter the previous week - in my fucking car, no less, like a couple of horny teenagers - but she did the right thing in stopping it. For her, she did the right thing.

_I happen to know for a fucking fact that had it been up to me, things would've gone a hell of a lot farther than they did._

I knew, however, that there was much, _much_ more to it than the 'horny teenager' scenario between us. The way we—I…well, I hoped we felt, was some sort of force to be reckoned with. It was something that could not be helped. At least that was what I tried to assure myself was going on here.

I chuckled again under my breath as she twisted her expression back into the 'bitch-face' and continued her ridiculous conversation with Jake, one that I hoped would be ending very soon.

"What are you doing in your hotel room?" She snapped. "What? You're napping. Jake, it's…it's…what time _is_ it?" She seemed to be saying this to herself, as she looked around, apparently searching for a clock.

"It's five-thirty," I whispered, barely audible. God love her, she picked up right where she left off as if I wasn't even there.

"Five-thirty here, Jake, so it's three-thirty there. _Three-thirty_ in the afternoon, in Las Vegas, and you're napping? Really." She paused again, as he answered and pressed her lips together in a hard line. "Oh, was it a late night, Jake?" Her tone turned to an ominous hiss. "You know what, I'm DONE!"

My hopes skyrocketed, if not for a split second. She was done. _God_, how I wished that it meant she was done with him, with all the bullshit, with living the _lie_ I wished she would realize she was living.

No such luck.

"I'm SO done with this conversation." He mumbled something else. "FINE! Well, you get some rest _honey_." Her voice was acid. "No!" Her brow furrowed in annoyance. "Because I don't plan on going home for a while, Jake." I had to look away at that point, because I couldn't hide the smile that erupted across my face when she said that, not that it meant anything for _me_. "Because I don't WANT to," she continued. I really wished she would just hang up on Captain Douche already. "No, if YOU want to talk to the kids, call Alice," she spat. "I don't care!"

I guess he didn't know when to shut up.

"No, I won't be home."

_Ah_, how my smile widened, _maybe she really won't be home_.

"Fine…FINE, Jake! I'll see you tomorrow night." Suddenly she scoffed. "Seriously?" And then snorted. "Um, love you too?" She mumbled as she ended the call, and my fucking jaw clenched.

I felt nauseous.

She looked at me. Her eyes were killing me with the pain I saw in them, and I knew she could sense my animosity. "I'm, um, sorry about that," she murmured and shrugged her shoulders, trying to smile at me.

_Please, please smile_. I just wanted to see her smile genuinely at me, without all the fucking pain behind it. I glanced down at her knuckles, and my jaw clenched again. Of course, my mouth went off before I could stop myself from being a prick.

"What the fuck happened to your knuckles?"

"What?" She looked at me, her eyes wide and shocked at my tone.

"Your knuckles, Bella." Of course I kept being a fuckwad. "What happened?"

She shook her head and squeezed here eyes shut. "Nothing, I—I fell."

_Jesus, what the hell am I doing?_

I tucked a piece of her satin hair behind her ear, and traced my finger along her forehead, down the side of her face, and across her plump, pouty lips. I could've sworn she puckered them against my fingers, but that was probably my dick thinking for me again. I placed my hand lightly on her thigh, and said - in the softest tone I could – as I look into her eyes, "Don't bullshit me, Bella, please."

She glanced down at my hand on her thigh and let out a sigh. Suddenly, her expression changed from morose, to confusion, to a fucking glare when she lifted her head back to me. I nearly had to beat down my fucking dick again, because feisty Bella always got me hot and goddamned bothered. She ran her fingers over the scabs, still visible on my right hand, and pursed her lips.

"Well, what the fuck happened to _your_ knuckles, Edward?" Immediately, the tension between my legs became amplified simply by the way those words fell from her lips, thick, sultry and sassy with insinuation. I knew how she felt at once, because I _really_ didn't want her to know I beat the shit out of my dashboard the night we…well, the night I took her home. There was no _really_ about it. No, I definitely did not want her to know, so I came back with as lame an excuse that she had, only with a slight edge to the truth.

"I, uh, I guess I have anger management issues," I stated matter-of-factly and flashed her my best 'lets leave the subject alone' grin.

She didn't fall for it. I should've known, given the fact that she was the most stubborn woman I knew, and as much of an inconvenience _that_ trait was, I it made me want her even more.

"Edward," she said, again with that sultry, sassy voice. _Fuck._ "Who did you punch out?"

I didn't want to tell her, but she was punching her way through my shield, as always. I did feel, however, as if I was more justified in _my_ question because of my protectiveness over her. Regardless, my resolve faded quickly. I caved, of-fucking-course, and like a child, I lowered my head in shame.

"I…punched…my dashboard…uh, in my car."

She looked utterly confused. "What? Why?"

I sighed. Of course I was going to be forced to tell her the whole story. _Of course I was._

"It was right after you…well…" I ran my hands through my hair and scratched my scalp out of pure frustration. I didn't understand why I couldn't just _talk_ to her. "It was after I took you, uh, home."

She grabbed my hand, propped it on her cast, and studied it, running her soft fingers over it. After a few seconds of this contact from her, which sent electricity shooting through my body and caused me to break into chills, she gasped and brought my hand up to her lips. She kissed each knuckle gently and I closed my eyes. I breathed deeply, in and out through my nose, and tried to control the overwhelming urge I had to pull her on top of me.

"I'm so sorry, Edward," she whispered, looking up at me with sad eyes.

Amazing.

Was I surprised that she continued to blame herself for bullshit that I had done? No, but I was highly frustrated and, again refrained from shaking it out of her. I pulled my hand from hers, and traced my own scabs as I looked at her through my lashes, trying to convey the sincerity I felt but couldn't seem to get through to her.

"Bella," I started, and shook my head. "You have to stop blaming yourself for my shortcomings." I chuckled. "You worry about _your_ anger management issues," I said, touching both of her hands and raising my eyebrows, "and I'll worry about mine."

"But…Edward…I…"

"Nah, don't," I retorted, shaking my head again. "No more self-deprecation, Bella _Swan_." I emphasized her maiden name, refusing to acknowledge the _other_ one.

She smiled at me, her eyes unexpectedly hooded, and I shifted where I sat. My fucking erection was becoming unbearable and I cursed myself, my dick, because I didn't want _that_ to be all this was about.

I noticed her shiver slightly…the temperature had dropped at least ten degrees since the sun had started going down and dusk began. It really wasn't all that warm to begin with, probably forty-something degrees, so it had to be only in the mid-thirties at this time. My dumb ass was _definitely_ not concerned about the weather earlier in the day, so I didn't wear a jacket. Therefore, I couldn't be a chivalrous motherfucker by offering her the jacket that I _didn't_ bring. On the contrary, I had noticed a hot cocoa vendor had come into the area and taken his place somewhere near the middle of the park. He was out of sight now, but when Bella shivered, it came to mind. I smirked to myself as I thought that this also might be the perfect opportunity to 'walk it off' so to speak, and gain control of my insubordinate _member_, before I started humping her like a damned dog.

"Hey, how about some hot cocoa? Uh, I saw the guy come through here a few minutes ago, and besides that…" I eyed her up and down. "You're cold." She opened her mouth to protest, but closed it again in defeat. _Of course she was cold_…scrawny little thing that she was. It seemed the only weight she had kept on after the twins were born was in her boobs, and that did nothing less than cruel things to me.

"Alright then, it's settled," I said as I stood up, a little dizzy. I hadn't realized I had been sitting now for a good two hours. "Be right back." I took in a breath as I ran the tips of my fingers down her thick waves to her shoulder, and down to her elbow just below the cast. She shuddered, momentarily dazed it seemed, but then began to fidget in her purse, and pulled out her wallet. As she started to pull out some money, I rolled my eyes and snorted, turning and abruptly walking away.

"Uh…HEY!" She called out after me but I ignored her.

XXXX

"Dere ya go, buddy," the very friendly, but scraggly old man stated as he handed me my change. "Dere's a qwatah back for ya's." He was probably in his late sixties and definitely a native Chicagoan, based on his thick accent. I was amused by his enthusiasm on the subject of hot cocoa. "Yessiree, it's da best cocoa in da city, mah boy!" He gloated as he wiped his hands on his white apron - streaked with several different shades of brown. He continued to make small talk, and although I was aching to get back to Bella, I didn't want to be rude.

"Eh, you's gonna drink two all by y'self?"

I smiled. "No sir, I, uh, I'm here with a friend."

"Oh!" He chuckled. "You's here widt ya lady-friend, eh? You's bettah keep her warm widt more dan dose hot cocoas, huh, if ya know wudda mean." He wiggled his bushy eyebrows at me, grinning wildly, and I choked back laughter, only allowing a small chuckle to escape me.

I politely shook my head and corrected him, hoping the sting of regret wouldn't show through my eyes to a total stranger. "Uh, no…not girlfriend…just a friend."

"Ah, mah boy…but ya face tells me sump-tin different." He gleamed at his intuition.

"Thank you." I held up the two steaming cups, and turned with a grin. However, his words ripped through me and I grimaced as I stalked off, back to my fucking _friend, _but not really friend - who I wanted to be my girlfriend, but couldn't because she was married to douche-bag.

When I reached her and sat the cups down next to her, she startled and placed her hand on her chest, muttering a breathy "Oh! Shit, sorry, Edward,"as she looked up at me and then quickly away. Her expression was alarming. She was shaking a little and although it didn't seem possible, she looked a shade paler than when I left her a few minutes prior. I sat down quickly, studying her face.

"Bella?" She continued to stare off into space. "Bella, talk to me. What's wrong…what happened?" Confusion poured out of me.

"Oh." She sighed. "N-nothing. It's nothing."

I rolled my eyes. "Right. Sure, but could you…could you just humor me right now, please?"

She turned and looked at me, shaking her head and grinning…as if whatever it was had simply disappeared and she was _relieved_ that I'd returned.

_Fucking weird_.

I was overcome by the sparkle in her eyes as she narrowed them, still grinning, and said, "Well, I would humor you, but you wouldn't even give me a chance to pay for my own _freaking_ cup of cocoa." She raised an eyebrow at me.

"Well…" I cocked my head to the side and winked at her, something I knew she couldn't usually resist, and responded, "You know I _am_ a gentleman, Bella, when I want to be, of course."

She let out the cutest fucking giggle and I thought my heart was going to explode as I watched her pick up the steaming cup, lift up the lid, and pucker her lips to blow in it. Watching that, I soon realized that the feeble attempt I had made to 'walk it off' earlier did me no _motherfucking _good, at all, because I felt the crotch area of my jeans, once again tighten. We both began to take a sip at the same time as we stared at one another. I realized that I had underestimated both the amount of liquid in the cup, as well as the temperature of it when it splashed up and coated my top lip and the tip of my nose.

"Mmm!" I responded, and gulped down the steaming hot liquid…then sucked some cold air into my mouth to try to put the fire out. I darted my tongue out and swept it over my top lip quickly to catch the chocolate residue that seemed to singe my five-o'clock shadow, then looked over at her, noticing that she was staring at my cocoa-covered nose. A mischievous smile crept across her perfect lips as she looked at me and wrapped them around the opening in the lid. Once again, I was lost in the solace of her sapphire eyes.

Just as she was tipping the cup, her cell phone rang, startling her again and causing her to jump. The liquid fire splashed onto her lip and nose as well, and she groaned as she quickly sat the cup down, licking her lip and wiping her nose on her sleeve.

"Fuck!" she muttered as she snatched her phone up and glared at it - as was I. If that was Jake-the-fucking-snake again, I was going to be pissed off beyond reason, probably so would she, and then our _sort of_ nice visit would be ruined.

"What's up, Alice?" she asked cheerfully. I breathed a sigh of relief. "Are they kicking your ass yet?" She chuckled and I grinned, knowing she was referring to the twins, who I had barely seen much of, but knew based on what I _had_ seen that they could probably take down Alice in a heartbeat if they worked together.

"Uh, what?" The look of shock was back on her face.

_Oh no_, I thought to myself. I was sure that this meant Alice was all done and ready to get rid of the 'Energizer Bunny' times two.

"Are you serious? Th-they want to spend the night? With you?" She paused. "Uh-huh." Her eyes flashed over to mine for a brief second before the sly smile crept back to her lips again, and she continued. "Well, I mean…yeah, Alice…I, um, I guess. Stranger things have happened, I suppose." She chuckled to herself.

"_What?"_ I heard Alice's squeaky voice on the other end as Bella quickly attempted some damage control.

"Oh, you know I'm kidding, but, I mean, are you sure?" She looked at me again, wide-eyed. "I know I'm just in total shock that they haven't worn you completely out by now." She laughed and rolled her eyes. "Okay, fine then, _super sister!_ As long as you're cool, I'm cool…Oh, not much…just went to Millennium Park…walked around…having some hot cocoa before I head home." Her eyes flashed to me once again briefly. "Okay, I'll be careful…I love you too, Sis, now let me talk to my monsters."

I listened as she warned her twins to be sweet…to not give _Auntie_ Alice any trouble at bedtime and she smiled warmly. She told them she loved them and would see them tomorrow morning. My heart skipped as I watched her, but began to pick up speed as I realized what this new situation entailed.

She was going to be alone…all night…without her children…without her husband.

My dick was practically screaming at me, and I mentally told it to _settle the fuck down_ as I patiently waited for her to end the call. She did, and then fumbled to put it away as she looked up at me with slightly hooded eyes.

_What the fuck_? Was she thinking what _I_ was thinking? Not possible.

"Um," she spoke in a barely audible tone. "The twins are going to spend, um, spend the night with Alice."

"Oh," I responded, raising my eyebrows, acting as if I hadn't just heard the entire one-sided conversation, and then looked away because I couldn't keep the shit-eating grin from spreading wildly across my face.

We both sat there for a good couple of minutes, silent. She started fumbling in her purse again, and I was contemplating pulling out another cigarette simply to give myself something to do, other than kidnapping her and taking her to my apartment…holding her captive for the night. When she actually pulled one out and lit it, I made my decision and mimicked her. She looked over and smiled, relieved again, and we both continued to sit there…to smoke…and try to come up with some bullshit small talk. Finally, she broke the silence.

"So, I'm getting a housekeeper," she blurted.

"Well, that's good, right?" I asked, glancing at her cast. "Did you call an agency or something?" I took another sip of cocoa, now slightly cooled.

"No, it's some girl Jake knows through Sam or something. His cousin, I think? Anyway, her name is Leah, and she came by yesterday to meet the kids, see the house. She seems…"

I spit my cocoa out, coughing and sputtering all over the concrete below me as she slowed her words almost to a halt and eyed me as if I'd completely lost my mind, then finished her sentence.

"…like…a…really…nice…girl…What? Edward, are you okay?" She sounded suspicious but concerned as she patted my back a couple times. I raised my head up, nodded, and cleared my throat.

_Do I tell her what I know about Leah and Jake - which could possibly work in my favor, but probably wouldn't and ruin her mood? Or, do I play it off as if I stupidly took a breath while drinking, and sucked some hot liquid down my trachea?_

I chose the latter.

"Yeah, fine…just…went down the wrong pipe there for a second." I continued to clear my throat, avoiding eye contact with her. After she studied my face for a second, she huffed, and then sighed.

"Oh…shit," she grumbled. "Edward, did you…_do_ her or something, because that's really going to make me feel fucking weird and awkward."

"What? NO!" I screeched, then toned it down and rolled my eyes. "_Oh,_ please, definitely not. I choked on my cocoa, Bella." I fucking prayed she would not push this subject, because I seem to have a really _fucking_ hard time making shit up around her.

"Okay then." She raised her eyebrows and looked away. At that moment, I heard a faint, but very distinct rumbling, and looked down at her hoodie, right where her sexy stomach would be underneath all that fabric.

"Hungry?" I questioned, amused. Even in the faint light of dusk, I could see the crimson wash over her face as she looked down at herself, then back up to me, and sarcastically responded.

"Apparently my stomach thinks I am. I guess I really haven't eaten much today, unless you count coffee…and a Hot Pocket for lunch. Oh, and hot cocoa." She smiled, holding up the still steaming cup.

"Hm." I smirked, because I suddenly had a very good - but very bad - idea. "I think maybe we should get you something to eat."

I waited for the polite declination, but instead, she widened her eyes a little and said, "Oh, okay, um, do you—do you want to go some place out of the way?" She asked this in a slightly apologetic way.

I smirked again, deciding that I would just throw caution to the fucking wind and tell her what I had in mind. "Uh, actually no." She looked confused, and a little bit scared, so I chuckled and continued. "You like pizza, right?"

Still confused, she replied, "Yeah. Doesn't everybody? But…Edward…I don't know…"

"Well," I interceded before she could completely talk herself - and me, for that matter - out of it. "I was thinking some famous Chicago-style pizza…delivered…to my place." Then I flashed her my best seductive grin. Inside, however, I was fucking dying, wanting her to say yes so badly, but knowing that this was morally a _terrible_ idea, and that I was putting her in nothing short of a _very_ precarious position.

She stared at me for a few seconds, her expression distant, like she was searching for the answer in her mind…in my eyes. I braced myself for the kick in the gut as she was more than likely about to curse me into oblivion. _Too bad she wasn't thinking about doing something else to me…into oblivion. _However, to my unwitting surprise, something flashed across her eyes, something that didn't resemble the anger I had expected in reaction to my ridiculous idea. This was something that indicated, what appeared to be… Want? Need? Vindication, perhaps? I wasn't sure, but it sure as hell was not anger.

She licked her lips - f_ucking Lord _- and then inhaled as her eyes shifted from mine, down to my lips, and she sank her teeth into her bottom lip.

I was a _dead_ man, and I knew it.

"Um, y—yeah." She smiled. "Sounds good. I'm suddenly starving. A lot hungrier than I was five minutes ago, anyway." Her smile faded as her eyes met mine again, sending flames shooting throughout my body.

The discomfort in my jeans was growing out of control.

And I chose to believe that what she had just said…was a loaded fucking statement.

XXXX

_***A/N: Gee, do you think it was a loaded statement? What do you think about James almost meeting his maker in the beginning? You think he deserved it? Or, is Edward just flat out losing it? **_

_**I have to throw this in: Breaking Benjamin is one of my absolute favorites. I. Heart. Them. Lol! I picked this song because it's a fantastic play on what's going through Edward's mind. It can be taken as him speaking to James, or to Jake, or even to himself. You know how he's into the self-loathing! **_

_**Please leave me your thoughts. Reviews make my heart sing…and inspire Docward to make house-calls. **_

_**Hold on to your panties next couple chapters. Things might get a little steamy. *wink***_


	26. Chapter 24 Say When

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past**

**Chapter 24, "Say When" ~ The Fray**

Edward's POV continued

_***A/N: As always, big time thanks go out to my amazingly awesomesauce beta, Love Of Escapism as well as my 'bellissimo' validation beta, Browns. I love all of you…hard. **_

_**Thanks so much to all of you who are continuing to read and review. The support I get is amazing! **_

_**Without further adieu, let's see what the night brings our lovely (sort-of) couple…shall we? **_

_*** GRAPHIC CONTENT WARNING: Seriously sexy situations here, ladies. Pretty much from start to finish. This is not for the faint of heart. Have your shamanties, your b.o.b., or your man on hand…you just might need them! LOL!**_

_**Song Link, Say When - **__**http:/ www (.) youtube (.) com/watch?v=i_MzfchNUbg**_

_**We all know that the Twilight Saga and the characters are owned by the one and only Stephenie Meyer, not me. We also know that the songs, etc. are owned by the artists, record companies, etc. and I just use them all in my own sick and twisted fanatical way! *Smirk* I do own this Docward, however. He is MINE, but I loan him out on occasion…by now, you all should know how to get him, comment/review! **_

XXXX

"_I see you there, don't know where you come from,_

_Unaware of a stare from someone,_

_Don't appear to care that I saw you, I want you,_

_What's your name? 'Cause I have to know it,_

_You let me in and begin to show it,_

_I'm terrified 'cause you're headed straight for it, might get it,_

_Hear the song playing in the background,_

_All alone but you're turnin' up now,_

_And everyone is rising to meet you, to greet you,_

_Turn around and you're walking toward me,_

_I'm breaking down and you're breathing slowly,_

_Say the word and I will be your man, your man,_

_Say when,_

_And my own two hands will comfort you tonight, tonight, say when,_

_And my own two arms will carry you tonight, tonight,_

_Come close and then even closer,_

_We bring it in but we go no further,_

_We're separate, two ghosts in one mirror, no nearer,_

_Later on if it turns to chaos,_

_Hurricane coming all around us,_

_See the crack pull it back from the window, you stay low,_

_Say when,_

_And my own two hands will comfort you tonight, tonight, say when,_

_And my own two arms will carry you tonight, tonight,_

_Come across, your lost and broken,_

_You're coming to, but you're slow in waking,_

_You start to shake, you still haven't spoken. What happened?_

_They're coming back and you just don't know it,_

_And you want to cry but there's nothing coming,_

_They're gonna push until you give in, say when,_

_Now we're here and it turns to chaos,_

_Hurricane coming all around us,_

_They felt the crack, don't you back from the window, you stay low,_

_It all began with the man and country,_

_Every plan turns another century around again,_

_And another nation, fallen,_

_Maybe God can be on both sides of the gun, _

_Never understood why some of us never get it so good, so good,_

_Some of this was here before us,_

_All of this will go after us,_

_It never stops until we give in, give in,_

_Say when,_

_And my own two hands will comfort you tonight, tonight, say when,_

_And my own two arms will carry you tonight, tonight, say when,_

_And my own two hands will comfort you tonight, tonight."_

XXXX

As Bella and I walked toward our cars, which, to her surprise, were sitting right next to one another, she looked up at me with the strangest expression gracing her porcelain face. It seemed she was unsettled.

I chuckled and bent down to her ear, speaking softly. "Yes, I'm stalking you."

"Nice," she retorted sarcastically as she rolled her eyes and looked back at me. Once we reached them, her posture suddenly changed. She became rigid, clearly unsure of what she was doing.

She looked up at me once again with fear in her eyes and whispered, "I…I don't quite know how to do this, Edward. Do…do I follow you, or leave my car here? I…I really don't want to leave my car here…"

I clenched my teeth, immediately upset with myself for doing this to her, and almost simply bid her a good night. But I didn't…not after what she said next.

"I…I mean, who knows how long it will be left here." She raised her eyebrow at me.

It was then that I understood her intentions completely. I walked toward her slowly as she backed up. She never took her eyes off mine until her back was against her driver side door. She broke her gaze long enough to look around and see that no one was in the vicinity with us at that particular moment, but I couldn't stop looking at her. Her eyes came back to mine and widened a little in anticipation as I looked her up and then back down again. She licked her lips and held her chin up slightly, the vein in her neck visibly pulsing with anxiety or excitement, I didn't know, but it didn't matter to me. She was not pushing me away and I wasn't going anywhere. I watched as her breath quickened, causing her chest to rise and fall rapidly. Her left hand was pressed against the car door, her knees were slightly bent and shaking a little but the fire in her eyes was very clear, only pushing me further and further toward her.

"Are you afraid?" I whispered my question to her as I gazed into her liquid blue eyes.

"Yes and no," she breathed out the words, barely audible. I moved her hair away from her face with my fingertips. Then, placing my palm and thumb gently on her cheek, I whispered again.

"You don't have to be…not with me." I exhaled and blinked slowly before asking, "What do you want to do, Bella?"

She tried to break the connection our eyes had made, but I wouldn't let her. The truth was hidden somewhere in the deep blue, and I wanted to see it. She squeezed her eyes shut for a moment and sighed. When she opened them again, they were bright with clarity.

"This," she said on her breath, licking her pouty, sexy lips. "I want to do _this_."

I closed the small gap of space between us and pressed her against the car. My dick was practically jumping for joy and, as she felt my _very_ obvious erection against her stomach, she tilted her head back and moaned.

_Fucking Christ_, it was all I could do not to take her right then and there against her car door, in that very public parking garage.

I slowly ran my palms down her neck to the collarbone that I loved so much and wanted to sink my teeth into, over her shoulders and briefly palmed her breasts, pressing my thumbs into her nipples through the thick fabric of her hoodie as they passed over them.

Her breath had started to become ragged, and I watched her as she mouthed a silent "fuck" when I felt her up. I kept moving my hands down the sides of the thick fabric, feeling her small frame beneath it, until I reached her hips and the waistband of her jeans. Tucking my hands up and under her hoodie, I found skin and lightly gripped her torso just above her hipbones. I ran my thumbs over her stomach and she shivered slightly, presumably with the touch of my cold hands to her warm skin. I kept touching, dipping my fingers beneath the waist of her jeans and ghosting them across her lower abdomen. As soon as I felt the lace fabric, I knew it was all over for me.

_Fuck me. Lace again?_

She moaned from deep in her throat and pressed herself into my fucking erection which caused me to hiss. Of course, I wasted no time in moving my hands back to her hips, then to her ass, as I gripped a cheek in each hand and squeezed, pressing her harder against my aching cock.

"Oh, _Jesus_!" she whispered. I lowered my head to her eye-level.

"I'm going to follow you home," I spoke through my teeth, trying to control my overwhelming desire to throw her in the back seat of one of our cars and fuck her right there. "And then you can ride with me to my place. If you're worried about nosy people, which you shouldn't be in your neighborhood, then your car will be home, as it would be if _you_ were there too," I continued, still struggling for control.

She suddenly gripped the back of my head. Unable to grip my hair with her right hand, she tangled her fingers of her left in my hair tightly, eliciting another hiss from my mouth, and a grind from my hips. She brought my face to hers, her sweet breath smelling of chocolate engulfed me, and she sucked my bottom lip into her mouth. This time the guttural moan came from me, and I squeezed her ass again before running my hand down the side of her thigh to her knee. I gripped it, hitching her leg up and around my waist forcefully. I held her thigh with my forearm, my palm back on the ass cheek of her jeans - that, in my opinion, were just in the _fucking_ way at this point - and repeated the action on the other leg until she was straddling me. As I pressed her against the car with my hard cock nestled securely against the crotch of those fucking jeans, she gasped.

The moan of "fuck" that came from her hot lips was long, slow, and breathy, causing me to grind into her repeatedly. Her breath sped up as she cursed and whispered my name.

"Shit…Edward…_shit_."

When she let her head fall back, I planted my lips on her jaw, licking it before sucking down to her earlobe, where I nibbled lightly. She let out a sharp exhale, and gripped the back of my hair, tugging on it to bring my lips over to meet hers. She parted them with her tongue and crashed it into mine, swirling and tangling them together in desperation. I sucked on her lips, the top then the bottom, and pressed into her again as she moved her hand from my hair down my back to my ass. She squeezed it and pressed me closer to her, grinding along with me.

"_Jesus_ Bella…I fucking need…you…I—"

She covered my mouth with hers again and although I didn't think it was possible, my dick was getting harder by the second. Each time I ground into her, it practically screamed at me to let it out. _I needed to_. As close as she was to me, it was definitely _not_ good enough. I wanted her even closer and there was only one way I could achieve that. The clothing was just fucking burdensome, to put it bluntly, and I was on the verge of spontaneous motherfucking combustion. I needed her naked; I needed to be naked, and I needed her to surround me, engulf me and swallow me whole. I just knew that it couldn't, or probably shouldn't happen right here in this parking garage, and not unless I knew she _really_ wanted it.

Despite her moans, I definitely was not positive about that.

I refused to be attributed with her self-loathing any more than I already was. However, if she did want me, there would be nothing to stop me tonight, or any other night for that matter. I would stop at nothing to get her back now. The exception to all of that would be Bella, of course.

The shit was getting out of hand in the parking garage and I knew I had to stop. Although I hoped, with every ounce of me, that things would get quite out of hand later. Despite the moral dilemma we found ourselves in, I still hoped. At that point, I no longer gave a fuck about my eternal well-being, and if hell was coming for me, I was going to make damned sure it had a good fucking reason. I was fairly certain that home wrecking topped that list.

"We have to stop…Bella…_fuck_...we—we have to stop."

"Mmmm," she responded as she reached her good hand down and palmed my rock hard dick.

I elicited a breathy "_Jesus fucking Christ_!" But told her again, "Bella…please…_fuck_…people are going to come in here…we have to…_shit_…we _have_ to stop." I forced myself to pull away from her.

"Okay." She sighed and looked up at me, her eyes hooded with pure unadulterated lust as she licked her swollen lips.

"And you really need to stop fucking doing _that_, too," I said as I eyed her lips. I reached down to adjust my pants so that they didn't look like a miniature (_not that my cock was miniature, by any means_) tent had been pitched in them.

"Sorry." She smirked…and licked her fucking lips again.

I swallowed hard and smiled._ God, she was killing me_. Thoughts of just how good this night might end up were running through my head.

"Oh, yeah, sounds like it. You better watch it," I warned playfully. "Keep that shit up, and you just might have to pay later."

I immediately regretted the way I let myself run at the mouth when I noticed her face twist into a slight grimace, a grimace that she tried to hide by pursing her lips before smiling at me quickly.

That was what I got for forgetting the little fact that _this_ was not an actual date…as well as the fact that I was literally playing with fire.

XXXX

Luckily, she hadn't decided to call it a night before we got to my place after dropping her car off at her house.

I called in the order for the pizza on the way to my apartment, and since it was Saturday evening, of course, they were backed up; informing me it would take approximately forty-five minutes to get it to us. That meant we had around thirty minutes to kill when we arrived at my apartment and I prayed, to a God who had probably _already_ condemned me multiple times for my actions, that it wouldn't be a half hour spent in awkward silence.

She was tense when we first started the short drive. Her back was rigid, both legs bent at a sharp ninety degrees in front of her, and her muscles were clenched. I could tell she was trying not to look at me, as she shifted her eyes everywhere but to mine. Every few seconds, however, she would look at me, then catch herself, look away, and fidget with her cast to keep her free hand away from mine. I almost wanted to laugh at the behavior she was exhibiting. Like that of a young teenager on her first, very nerve-racking date, but I didn't. I knew what she was doing. She was pondering shit, second-guessing herself and the decision that she had made. She had probably decided, or realized rather, that this was a huge mistake. Nonetheless she was probably also worrying herself that I was going to be pissed when she informed me.

I gritted my teeth and gripped the steering wheel tightly in frustration, wishing with everything in me that this fucked-up situation wasn't what it actually was.

I wanted to tell her to stop worrying…that she didn't have to do anything she didn't want to do, and beg her to just hang out with me. I would take it and nothing else if that was all she was willing to give. Just time to spend with her was more than I could ever ask for, so whatever she was willing to give me tonight, I would take it one hundred percent. Unfortunately, my body was arguing with me violently at the minor revelation I had.

I suddenly realized that I was _not_ in control of this. I didn't know what was going to happen, and that made me as nervous and worried as she looked.

A slight glimmer of hope reappeared when I noticed the tension in her body relax a little as she stretched her legs out and sighed. She tilted her head back on the headrest, turned it toward me, and smiled. I could feel the warmth in it, the genuine resolution. It was as if she had decided something. She raised an eyebrow in what seemed like some sort of silent, sexy message, and I couldn't help but feel the ease in my own anxiety.

"I've never been to your apartment," she stated. There was an air of almost excitement now lacing her observation.

"True," I nodded my head and smiled. "I'll have to, uh, give you the grand tour, huh?"

"Oh, yes." She seemed amused. "I want to see it all…every little nook and cranny. Hope you picked up your dirty undies." She snorted to herself and I laughed, relieved but confused at her sudden change in behavior.

Then I started to panic, thinking that maybe I _hadn't_ picked up my dirty underwear. This would be highly unlikely for me, but still possible given my unbalanced mental state earlier today. It must have shown all over my face because I heard her giggle.

"Chill out, Edward," she said between her chortles. "I've seen your dirty underwear before. Boxer-briefs, right?"

My eyes widened with shock at her statement and as I turned to look at her, my mouth gaping, I fully expected there to be a look of pain and anxiety on her face with the memory she had blatantly called up. Instead, what I saw was a beautiful smile still genuinely spread across her face. She winked at me and placed her hand on my fucking thigh, giving it a couple squeezes before she let go.

I thought I was going to lose it, literally.

I thought my own mind was fucking with me, and that I was going to wake up from this amazing, crazy dream only to realize that Bella had never gotten in my car and had never come to my apartment. I just hoped that if this was the case, I would at least be able to dream about the _good shit_ before I had to wake up to my nightmare once again.

XXXX

"Alright, so, uh…" I said as I clasped my hands in front of me, pointing toward the various areas of my two-story apartment, and continued walking with her. "Foyer…living room…kitchen."

"Mm-hm, nice." She nodded her head. "What's in here?" she asked hastily as she tugged on the door to the walk-in pantry and pulled it open.

"Uh, pantry," I said. For some reason I knew what she would say and patiently waited for the scolding I was surely about to hear, as I did each time Esme looked in it, regarding its contents.

"There's like…pasta in here…"

"Uh-huh," I nodded.

"And…that's it," she stated matter-of-factly.

"Thank you, Captain Obvious. I'm aware of that," I chuckled and she rolled her eyes.

"Okay, so…where's the bread?"

I shook my head, indicating that I currently did not own a loaf of bread. I continued to shake it as she rattled off various food items. "Peanut-butter? Granola bars? Cereal? Canned foods?" She then shook her head at me, showing her motherly disappointment.

_Must be a fucking woman thing._

"What?" I shrugged. "I haven't gone to the super market in a week…or so."

Her response was simply to shake her head again and reach for the handle of the fridge, flinging it open as if she owned the place, and began to search the contents. As she was bent over, checking each shelf and, as I might add, I was trying to avert my eyes from her very fine ass, she reminded me of some damned health inspector. Regardless, in the position she was in, bent over, her ass calling to me, she could fucking snoop all she wanted.

"Well, at least you have milk…and cheese. I see some eggs, but…no fruit? Yogurt?"

I made a gagging face and smiled at her.

"What about fruit?"

"Nope," I said, popping my lips and grinning.

"Fresh veggies?"

"I like 'em canned…occasionally," I said smirking.

"Well, Doctor Cullen," she said in jest. It made me hard. "I have to say that I am quite shocked at your lack of representation of the important food groups here."

I rolled my eyes and chuckled, taking in her ridiculous stance - hand on her hip, eyebrows raised, smirking. Then I shrugged my shoulders.

"What can I say? I told you I haven't been shopping for a while. Besides…" I cocked my head to the side and winked at her. "I like macaroni and cheese."

She laughed. "Nice. _Real_ healthy." Then she abruptly turned toward the stairs and reached for a door close to them. "What's in here?" She swung it open.

"Uh, just a closet," I answered, amazed at her brazen snooping.

"Oh, _boring_," she mock and faked a yawn. "I see no skeletons to speak of." She shot me a pensive glance. "So, you going to show me what's up there?" she asked, pointing up the stairs.

"Nothing much to see," I said. _And_ I had no fucking clue why I said that. _Hello_, my fucking bedroom was up there; of course I wanted her in that room. I guess I just wanted _her_ to make that decision. "Just my secret cloning lab." I smirked. "Oh, and bedrooms."

I noticed a slight flush of pink spread across her cheeks. Her eyes flashed up the stairs, then back to me before she inhaled slightly, and cleared her throat.

"Perfect! More closets to find some skeletons in." She raced up the stairs like a kid on Christmas and turned to wait for me as I sauntered up them, eyeing her impatient expression cautiously.

She was either fucking with my head to be cruel, throwing out hidden meanings in her actions for the fun of it, was nervous and acting weird, or was truly excited to see my bedroom. Fuck it. I went with the last thought. Of course, _then_ I started to get a little nervous, like a fucking pussy would.

Was this really happening? One could only hope.

I showed her around upstairs. It wasn't as if it was the size of a mansion or anything, but there was some ground to cover. She giggled at Kellan's room, commenting about how cute it was.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I mean…it's really _sick_!" She corrected herself after seeing all his skateboarding paraphernalia. I laughed whole-heartedly. I was surprised that she was so knowledgeable in 'skater-lingo.' She would get along great with Kellan. I almost slapped myself…_what the fuck was I thinking?_

When we got to where the laundry room was located - down the hall a bit, past the hall bath - which she also inspected, no doubt, and I silently thanked God that I'd cleaned lately, past the spare bedroom/my office - which she also inspected as much as I would allow - she grabbed the laundry room door knob and twisted. I sort of panicked a little again because I was fucking serious about the whole 'dirty underwear' thing. It just wasn't something I normally displayed for my guests.

Although Bella was not a _normal_ guest by any stretch of the imagination, I'd always been weird about that shit. Since I'd been old enough to do laundry, I had never let anyone wash my dirty shorts except myself. I mean, it wasn't like I had a _problem_ or anything; I just had a thing about people - starting with Esme, when I still lived at home - touching where my dick and ass had been. Now, that didn't explain why the women who _had_ their hands on my member and ass weren't allowed to wash them, nor did it explain why I _did_ let them wash the jeans I had gone commando in. I didn't fucking know, man, an irrational quirk was all I could chalk it up to.

"Dude," I sneered, "do you have to inspect _every_ room in my house?"

"Well, what is it?" She cocked her head to the side, and then gasped dramatically. "The secret cloning lab! Are you _really_ Edward Cullen?" She chortled and poked her finger into my chest. Electricity. "Or…are you some _evil_ clone?" She grinned wildly, obviously satisfied with her own brand of comedy, and I couldn't hold back my mocking laughter.

"No, freak, it's the laundry room." I bent down toward her and enunciated slowly and deliberately, just to push a button or two. I should've fucking known better, because she got me back in a big way.

"Oh." She nodded and bit her lip. "The underwear thing." She rolled her eyes. "You know that's so weird, Edward. I mean, I can put your cock in my mouth…and run my tongue up and down it, but not see or touch your dirty underwear. Hm, bizarre." _S_he turned to meander down the hall, after she had taken in my gaping mouth and shocked expression.

_Fucking fuck me._

I thought my balls were going to explode with the mental image of what she had just described. _Please God, let her have that in mind for tonight._

We finally arrived at the last door…the door to my bedroom…and amazingly enough, she politely waited for me to open it. I did so, and announced in my best 'Robin Leech, Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous' voice.

"This is my master bedroom." I wiggled my eyebrows. She was apparently unimpressed with my terrible British accent, and snorted as she stepped in.

"Oh, so this is where the _magic_ happens, huh?" She snorted again.I just loved how she was cracking herself up. I really wanted to throw her ass on the bed and show her some _magic_ for that comment, but I controlled myself.

"Aw, Bella, you're bruising my ego here." I jutted my bottom lip out in a pout. She eyed my lip as another rush of dark pink spread across her cheeks before she sighed and turned, heading toward the French doors that lead to the master bath. Again, I thanked God I cleaned recently, seeing as though I apparently had no say in where my 'guest' helped herself to in my apartment. She flung the doors open and stepped onto the tile floor.

"Oooh, nice." She bobbed her head. "Love the high ceiling. Is that marble?" She ran her fingers across the counter of the double vanity.

"Mm-hm," I grinned.

"Geesh, I wanted real marble in our master bath, but _somebody_ was too cheap for that," she mumbled as she rolled her eyes. I chuckled half-heartedly but growled to myself. I didn't really want to discuss that _somebody_ tonight.

"Well, it sort of came with the place," I said. "I don't really pay much attention to it."

She just stood there for a minute as an awkward silence ensued. She seemed lost in her thoughts again. I was grateful when she snapped out of it quickly, and stepped over to the bathtub, smiling devilishly.

"Wow, look at that thing…it's huge!"

I snickered to myself at the double meaning I had created from her innocent observation.

"Damn! You could swim in that tub. Mmm, I love Jacuzzis." She closed her eyes and smiled. "I'd be in bubble bath heaven in that fucker!"

I laughed with her again, but felt my dick swell at the thought of her naked in my fucking Jacuzzi tub, taking a bubble bath with me. _Jesus fuck. _I sucked in a breath at the thought of that and she looked up at me through her lashes as she bit her lip and blushed again. I raised an eyebrow and pursed my lips as we seemed to be communicating silently.

_Do it,_ I told myself, and was about to go in for the kill by attacking her mouth with my own, when she suddenly got distracted.

"Oh my God, Edward! Look at your shower! You could have a fucking _party_ in there!" She flung the frosted glass door open and peered in.

I shook my head and smirked. "Dude, you're acting like you live in a dump. Uh, your house is _huge_, Bella, and I'm sure very nice. She pouted a little, but it seemed to be in a mocking sort of way. For a split second, I was afraid I'd possibly ruined her playful mood by mentioning her house. Instead, she rolled her eyes again.

"I know that, but my house is more, I guess, conservative and classic. This is all contemporary and modern. I fucking love it!" She continued to inspect my shower.

Awkward.

I felt like she was looking at it as a perspective buyer or something.

"_Ooooh_, I love the tile and the shelves built into the corners…very cool!" She gasped immediately after she said that, and I jumped a little. I searched her quickly from head to toe to make sure she was alright. Apparently, she was fine. "Oh shit! Look! There's a seat. A seat…across the whole back of it! This is _awesome_!" I laughed and shook my head.

"Yes, I know there's a seat…I live here, remember?"

"Well, I tell you one thing…" She looked up at me and raised her eyebrows. "That would make it a hell of a lot easier to shave your legs!" She shifted her eyes down to my legs and back up to my face before we both busted out laughing.

"I'll bet!" I responded through my laughter. She fucking gasped again, scaring the shit out of me, and I stopped mid-laugh.

"Edward, what the _hell_ is that?"

"What?" I asked. She was suddenly very serious as she pointed toward the shower floor. I could see nothing out of the ordinary.

"That!" She gasped again. "What _is_ that?"

Panic started to rise in me as I searched for the anomaly that she was obviously seeing and I wasn't.

_It had better not be a fucking spider, damn it!_

I fucking hated those creepy little bastards…I didn't give a shit, I couldn't stand them. Worse than that, I would have really hated for her to see me freak out and scream like a little fucking girl - _and_ I really didn't want to remind her that I was an A-1 fucking pussy when it came to the eight-legged freaks. I strained my eyes.

"Bella, are you fucking with me…because I don't see shit."

"No, Edward. Are you blind? _Jesus_, it's right there." She pointed again.

"Seriously Bella, I see nothing but tile."

"Well here, lean down a little. Good grief, there's something…I don't know…it looks like a…bug." I snapped my head up at her.

"A bug? Bella, I swear to _God_ if it's a spider…you…you know I hate those fucking things!"

She almost choked with laughter and I glared at her but she stifled it and playfully smacked me on the shoulder. Her voice was dripping with sarcasm as she rolled her eyes and said, "Ninth-degree black belt in Japanese Jiu-Jitsu, but scared of a little arachnid…_please_."

"What? S—scared? I'm _not_ scared!" I scoffed at her.

"I don't know what it is Edward, but I hate those fucking things too. It's your shower! _You_ have to kill it!"

_Fuck!_ I was going to have to man up. I leaned down a little bit, but very cautiously, to try and find the intruder - praying it didn't jump up in my goddamned face.

I heard it before I felt it…the whistle of the water rushing through the pipes…but I didn't have time to look before cold water slammed into the back of my neck and started running down my back, soaking my shirt.

"Oh SHIT!" I jumped up and immediately heard Bella's howling laughter behind me.

What the _hell_?

"Oh…my…God…" she shrieked. She was doubled over, holding her stomach - nostrils flaring, eyes tightly squinted, face bright red - laughing her ass off, _at me_. "I fucking got you!" She took a breath. "I got you so good, Edward!" _Howling again_. I narrowed my eyes, glaring, then smirked.

"You ASS!"

She took another breath. "You thought…" _Bellowing laughter_. "You thought it was a fucking spider! Bahahahaha!"

"Oh really?" I spat in mock anger. In a swift movement, I wrapped my arm around the back of her waist. "Oh, you're ass is _mine_ now. You're going to pay for that shit!" I pulled her into the shower with me, under the steady stream of the now luke-warm water. That was thanks to me quickly moving the knob before I became hypothermic.

"No, Edward, don't! Oh shit! That's COLD!" she screamed, all girly and shit.

I burst into laughter as the water pounded the top of her head, soaking her wavy chestnut hair and ran down her hoodie, beginning to soak it. Then I remembered her cast.

"Oh fuck Bella, I forgot about your cast! I'm so sorry!" She burst into another fit of laughter, and held her cast away from the streaming water.

"Shit!" she exclaimed. "Me too." I reached over and took hold of it, inspecting. I didn't see that any water had gotten on it.

"Oh good." I sighed, relieved. "It's dry, but your hoodie is soaked." I reached up and pushed the still raging showerhead away from us, turned the knob to 'hot'- because it was still fucking freezing in there, and grabbed the sleeve that was stretched over her cast between my fingers. It was damp, but thankfully not too wet to have soaked through to the cast.

"Here," I said, "slip your arm out before it gets wet."

She hesitated, and stared at me, wide eyed.

"Bella," I argued with her silent protest. "We have to get this off before your cast gets wet and ruined."

She sighed and pulled her arm back through the sleeve as I held it in place. I then grabbed the bottom of her hoodie and swiftly pulled upward, flinging her other arm in the air as the fabric was pulled off her. Her long hair flopped to her shoulder in a wet smack. My eyes immediately darted to her collarbone – the one I fucking loved so much - and worked their way down. My jaw fell open and I suddenly realized why she had hesitated. There was no t-shirt under the hoodie, just white satin edged in lace covering her heaving breasts as she looked up at me with hooded eyes.

I tossed her wet sweatshirt onto the bathroom floor, but my eyes never left hers, and my fucking cock was now straining against the fly of my jeans.

We just stood there, contemplative and stared at one another for several seconds. I could feel the water splashing off the tile wall where I'd turned it and hitting me in my shoulder. She reached her left hand up to my forehead and brushed the wet hair away from my eyes, then began to trace with her fingertips down the side of my shocked face. I was frozen, and could hear my own heart beat pounding in my ears as she traced over my lips and down my neck, to my collarbone. She was watching her hand and licking her lips…and I couldn't take my fucking eyes off her. Her breasts were bulging behind the satin fabric as her chest rose and fell with her sharp inhales and exhales.

I felt like I was going to start drooling any fucking second, but was paralyzed to do anything about it.

She continued moving her fingertips along my shoulder; she circled them around the ball of it, then back over to my chest and down. She ghosted her fingertips around my nipple, circling it before she gently pinched it between her fingers.

_Mother of fuck._

I bit back a moan as I closed my eyes tightly. My cock was fucking screaming at me desperately to release it from the confines of my jeans. I exhaled.

As I opened my eyes, I saw her biting her bottom lip and looking at me - her blue eyes on fire - warming my entire body. That was enough to make me lose control, so I took a step forward. I placed my hands on either side of her head, bent down, and crushed my lips to hers, jutting my tongue furiously into her warm mouth.

She pulled away quickly and I studied her face. Her eyes were dark with lust, but riddled with conflict it seemed. I knew she was struggling within herself - as was I - on whether she should continue to let this happen or not. Her lips were slightly apart and she was neither frowning nor smiling, so I wasn't sure of my next move.

I breathed out a quiet "I'm sorry," my chest now heaving, and I considered simply grabbing a towel for each of us and just being done with it.

She reached her hand up just then, taking control, and placed it on the back of my head, pulling me to her. I stumbled with the force of her gesture, nearly falling on top of her, and she giggled breathlessly before our lips connected again. She thrust her tongue into my mouth this time and moaned, pulling me toward her as she stepped backward. We proceeded to suck and lick one another's lips, completely oblivious to the now hot water, still whistling and pouring out of the shower-head...steam bellowing around us. When she bit down and pulled on my bottom lip, I hissed with pleasure.

"Fucking _Christ_, Bella," I groaned, pressing my engorged erection into her.

"Mmmh," she responded in a moan and silently reached down, flicking open the button of my jeans and swiftly unzipping them, palming my cock with her wet hand.

"_Motherfu_—" I sucked in a breath and pressed into her hand. As her delicate but strong fingers gripped it, she whispered in my ear.

"I want you."

I pressed a little harder into her hand and bit my fucking lip as I bent down and traced her lips with my tongue. I then reached around with both hands and gripped her ass - hard.

"_Yes_…_please_ Edward!" she muttered, gasping. I smiled against her mouth.

She gripped the waistband of my underwear and yanked at them to no avail, because my jeans were obviously still in the way, but in doing so, exposed the top half of my dick. It waved at her, ecstatic to finally be getting some air and she wrapped her fingers around it again, pumping a couple times. I hissed loudly and threw my head back.

"Jesus, Bella, fuck! You're going to make me lose control."

"That's…kind of the idea, Edward," she retorted, laughing breathlessly.

I held her face away from mine, searching for some sort of clue that she wasn't ready for this – that she was going to freak out – but I saw none. I saw need and want, lust and passion. I even thought I saw – maybe – love in those gorgeous, deep blue oceans. I could hold back no more. I needed to be with her.

Crashing my lips to hers, I pressed into her again – harder – and she moaned loudly. She wrapped her good arm around my neck and kissed me forcefully, tasting the inside of my mouth frantically. I ground my hips into her again, this time pushing her backward until the back of her knees hit the tiled seat, and she sat down with an "oomph." We laughed together, and I muttered "sorry," then pulled her back up to me. She smiled against my mouth when I pulled her body against mine.

"Don't let it happen again, Doctor Cullen."

Again, _Mother of fuck._

I reached down and flicked her jeans open. Unzipping quickly, I dipped my thumbs into the waist of them and pushed them down in one swift movement. I left her lace panties intact. I wanted to see that fucking lace and I was not disappointed.

It was black - fucking naughty black lace – with a cute little white bow, right above her pussy. _Fuck me._ I nearly dropped to my knees, but instead I let out a ragged breath and knelt down. This didn't help to slow my heart rate because of course when I did that, her lace-covered pussy was right at my eye level. _Fuck_, I wanted to put my mouth on it, but I silently told myself to have patience. I needed to get her legs free from the confines of her snug jeans. Not to mention I was still concerned about pushing her too fast, so I cautiously shifted my gaze from the black lace up to her eyes.

They were on fire…smoldering, and it seemed a little as if she was begging me silently _not_ to stop. I grabbed the first calf-high Ugg boot that her jeans were tucked into and pulled it off quickly. Her sock soon followed, and I tossed them out of the shower door.

"Oh God! Cold!" she shrieked, and I quickly shut the door to let the steam build up again. I wasn't entirely sure that the steam was from the hot water alone, and I doubted that I would have a problem helping it build up.

"Ugh!" Bella groaned, and I looked at her alarmed. Was she considering putting a stop to this foolishness? "Did you _have_ to take my sock off? Look at my toenails!" she growled.

I chuckled under my breath and glanced down. I wouldn't have even noticed had she not pointed it out, but her black nail polish was starting to chip at the edges of her nails. As if I gave the tiniest shit about that. I responded with one word as I looked up at her through my lashes.

"Beautiful." Then I grabbed her heel and pushed her little toes into my mouth, sucking them as I pulled them out slowly.

She gasped. "Oh, _fuck_! Edward, you're killing me!"

I repeated the action on the other foot; I removed her boot and sock, and then sucked on her beautiful toes. The reaction I received the second time was that of a moan and she reached down, tangling her hand in my wet hair. I removed her jeans, which were acting as shackles around her ankles, and tossed them out onto the floor, promptly shutting the shower door upon her hiss from the rush of cold air. I ran my fingertips up her smooth, silky legs and felt her shudder. Her breathing picked up. When I reached the lace, I dipped my fingertips inside wrapping them around her hipbones. I lightly ran my thumbs up and down her slick folds, then ghosted circles around her swollen bud.

"Oh _fuck_! Edward!" She gasped, then grabbed me by the hair and tried to yank me up. I hissed because that shit fucking hurt, but felt so good at the same time. I moved my thumbs out of the way and rose slightly, but not before planting my open mouth on her lace-covered pussy and licking upward, pressing into her with my tongue.

"Jesus fucking _Christ_!" she moaned and bucked into my face.

I smiled and grabbed some of the lace fabric between my teeth, pulled it back, and let it snap back to her skin. _Goddamn it, she was driving me crazy, and I would definitely taste that without the fabric very soon_. I needed more of her, though. She still had a tight grip on my hair as I kissed and licked up her torso until I reached her breasts. I took one in each hand and kneaded them softly, pulling the lace down to access them more easily. I pinched her nipples gently as I kneaded, licking them, sucking until each one popped out of my mouth.

"God, Edward, I need you. Get up here, _now_," she whispered, pulling on my hair again.

I obeyed but slowly, running my hands over her shoulders and down her arms, licking my way up her neck to her jaws. I kissed up to her earlobe and finally to her lips. Her bottom lip was swollen from her own teeth, and I licked it gently, moaning into her mouth.

"Bella, I need you too…so much."

Our mouths slammed together; our tongues were thrashing. She grabbed my ass cheek and squeezed it so fucking hard, I could feel her nails digging through the denim material.

"_Fuuuuuuuck_," I moaned and then nibbled on her bottom lip as I pressed my throbbing, half exposed cock into her once again. She writhed against it, and I pulled away from her mouth gasping. "Are—are you okay with this?"

She raised an eyebrow at me, proceeding to glared.

"Is—is that a _serious_ question?"

I nodded.

"Yes! I'm fucking perfect with this. Now get your pants off!"

"Uh-uh." I grinned slyly and shook my head. Her mouth fell open in shock, but before she could protest, I gripped under her arms and raised her up quickly so that she was standing on the seat. Her hot, wet pussy now perfectly situated in front of my face.

"Edward, what are you…oh, _God_!" she cried out as I simultaneously pulled the lace down her legs, letting it fall at her ankles, and planted my mouth on her now exposed, and dripping wet sex. "Oh God!" she cried out again, letting her head fall back; her wet hair hit the tile with a light smack. I licked her up, down, and then back up, circling her clit with my tongue. Resting my chin on her pussy, I looked up at her.

"Bella, you taste so fucking good," I said on a heavy breath. She lifted her head off the tile and peered down at me, her chest heaving, and groaned.

"Edward, please don't stop." She licked her lips. I wanted to pull her back down to me and attack those lips again, but I hesitated. I was going to take care of this business first. I pulled back a little farther and looked up at her, studying her expression for signs of hesitance or confusion. She groaned and frowned at me in frustration.

"Are you sure about this Bella? Are you sure?"

She didn't answer me verbally. Instead, she bent down and pushed me back as she slid down off the seat. She reached around my waist with both arms, cast included, and shoved my jeans and boxer briefs down to my knees. She smiled at my now fully exposed - and massively erect - dick as she slid back up my body, unbuttoning my wet shirt as she made her way up, shoving it off my shoulders. Once again, she pushed me back a little and leaned over, sucking one of my nipples in between her lips and rolling her tongue over it.

"_Goddamn_!" I hissed, as she continued to kiss across my chest, and repeated her actions on my other nipple. This time, she sank her teeth into it.

"Fucking _Christ_, Bella!" I cried out, and slammed my hand onto the tile wall behind her. I proceeded to reach behind her with my other hand and press her face harder against my chest.

_This fucking girl could eat me alive and I'd love every minute of it._

She let go, and gently kissed up my neck, then nibbled on my jaw until she reached my ear. I was losing all motherfucking control and I was pretty goddamned sure she knew it. She sucked and licked my earlobe as she reached around my waist - once again with both arms - and pulled me to her forcefully. Our torsos slapped together and my dick was forced up against her naked body. She whispered into my ear as she reached her good hand down, wrapped it around my cock, and slid it down between her wet folds, pausing directly at her entrance.

"Does that answer your question, Doctor?"

I had momentarily lost the ability to speak, so I inhaled and exhaled deeply, bit back an embarrassing whimper, and nodded my head in understanding. She proceeded to twist her hips around in a circular motion and tilt them up slightly. I didn't bite it back this time.

"Oh _Jesus_—_fu_—Bella!" I moaned as she pulled my lips to hers, licking them.

There is a God.

I grabbed her tongue between my lips, sucked on it, and kissed her vehemently. She fucking moaned in my mouth, moved her hand down to my bare ass and gripped it, then pressed me into her. The tip of my dick slid into her, and it was then that I lost all fucking control.

"Bella, fuck! I can't—I need you…" I stammered, pressing myself into her slowly until she surrounded me and we were completely connected.

_There are literally no words in any language on the planet to describe how if felt to be inside her…to physically connect with her like this after all these years. It felt like a dream. I don't know, all the love came rushing back to me. I wanted her more. I wanted to be with her. I would do anything for her, love her, and protect her. I would jump in front of a fucking bullet for her, and at that point, I knew my life would never be the same._

"_Ohhhhh_ God, Edward, yes, please!" She tilted her head back and closed her eyes.

The moment I filled her completely was pure fucking ecstasy and I couldn't help the harsh breath that exited my lungs. My body took over before my brain could stop it. I reached around her tiny waist with one arm and lifted her slightly, guiding her thighs to each side of my hips with the other. I immediately pulled almost entirely out of her - the tip of me still buried in her flesh - before slamming back into her and pumping a couple more times.

"_Ahhhhh_, _Jesus_, Edward! Don't fucking stop. Don't stop!" She tried to buck with me, but it was awkward standing in the middle of the shower. It wasn't necessarily her stature, which was several inches shorter than mine, that was the problem. It was that I was afraid I would drop her, as slick as it was in the shower, as well as the fact that if I slammed her up against the wall at this point, it would all be over too quickly.

"Oh, _motherfuck_!" I cried out. "I don't want to Bella, fuck, I don't…but I—" I was trying to control myself. She was so fucking warm…and wet…and tight. My dick was about to explode and with only a few more thrusts, it inevitably would. _No_, I did not want to stop fucking her at all, but I couldn't keep on, not without protecting her. I ripped myself out of her, grabbed her under the arms again, and lifted her up in one fluid motion. She tried to tighten her wrapped legs around me, but I shook my head furiously.

"No," I commanded, pushing her backward until her feel were planted on the seat again. I then attacked her sexy wetness with my tongue before she could get another word out.

"Oh, fucking _God_, Edward…shit!" She cursed, moaned, and writhed into my face. I licked her, pulling on her swollen bud gently with my teeth before sucking and licking again. Her breathing was out of control, and she bucked harder against my tongue.

"Oh God, Edward! Oh, _God_!" she cried out. Her legs began to tremble. I ran my nose, mouth and chin up and down her pussy, gorging myself with her taste and her scent.

_Fuck_ she tasted good. I wanted more and more. I couldn't stop. I was like a kid licking an ice cream cone as it melted on a hot summer's day. I could feel her melting all around me.

"_Ungh_, Edward…I'm going to…oh God, I'm going to come!" she cried out. As her knees began to buckle, I quickly laced my arms between her legs and lifted her feet off the seat. I slammed her against the tile wall and flung her legs over my shoulders, then continued to lick her up and down using the tip of my tongue to trace tight circles around her most sensitive area. She bucked wildly, moaning as I gripped her ass with one hand and pumped two fingers inside of her. Suddenly, her thighs clenched around my head like a vice grip. I kept licking as she screamed out my name one last time.

"Edward…fuck, yes, _Edward_!" She grabbed the back of my head and pressed it into her as her legs began to shudder and she rode out the last of her orgasm, gasping for air. I sucked and kissed her softly before sliding her down my torso slowly. She locked her feet around my waist to prevent herself from sliding all the way to the floor, and grabbed my lips into hers.

I wanted her to kiss me for eternity, but she came up for air after several seconds. Her voice was husky when she whispered to me and pressed her forehead against mine.

"That was so good, Edward, _so_ good."

I smiled, and she continued to kiss me. Holding onto my neck with her casted arm, she pulled back a little and reached down between us, wrapping her fingers around my dick.

"_Fuck_, Bella," I hissed and my eyes rolled back in my head. She positioned it against her entrance again, and licked her lips.

"I want you to fuck me in this shower, Edward. I want you to come _with_ me this time."

My dick hardened even more with the seductive words she spoke and I turned, pressing her back against the sidewall of the shower, adjacent to the seat. _Fucking Christ_, how I wanted to do just that. There was no way, though, not without a condom. I shook my head.

"Bella, I can't."

She furrowed her brow, and her tone changed as sadness filled her eyes and she slid her legs down, planting her feet on the shower floor.

"Why?" she asked simply.

"Be…because I should probably have a condom on, and they're in there." I pointed toward my bedroom.

She looked toward the bedroom, where I was pointing. I heard her sigh, then giggle and shake her head as she looked up at me. Her smile soon faded into a devilish smirk as she reached up behind her back, unclasped her bra, and tossed it out of the shower. My mouth fell open and she bit her lip, maintaining eye contact with me.

"You scared me, Doctor. I thought you didn't…want me."

I shook my head and clenched my jaw, biting back the urge to tell her she was a fucking lunatic. Instead, I just spoke through my teeth, and stared into her eyes.

"Oh, I want you, Bella…more than you…" I cleared my throat. "More than you know."

"You're right, you should have one on," she stated, smirking. "So get your ass in there and get a condom…and then get your ass back in here!" She raised an eyebrow at me.

_Damn it to hell, she was so fucking sexy. _Of course, I studied her for a minute, which only seemed to irritate her. I realized this when she reached up and pinched my nipple - fucking hard. I nearly exploded.

"_Ahhhh_, God!" I moaned, throwing my head back.

"Edward."

I looked back down at her with hooded eyes.

"Go."

I didn't hesitate, nor did I ask anymore stupid fucking questions. She had made her decision and I wasn't about to deny her. As selfish as it was, I figured we could burn in hell together. I flung the shower door open and nearly fell on my ass, forgetting that my jeans were still around my knees. Bella laughed at me as I grabbed my pants and pulled them up quickly, hopping out of the shower. I though I heard something – maybe the phone ringing – I wasn't sure what it was, so I reached back into the shower and shut off the water. I forgot that shit was still on. _Great_. I heard it again, and realized that it was the doorbell.

"Oh shit!" I yelled. "The pizza!"

"Oh, right." She rolled her eyes and laughed. I turned to her quickly and raised my eyebrows.

"Don't fucking move. I'll set the pizza on the counter and be back here in two minutes." We both had sort-of forgotten about the dinner I ordered, and on any other night I would've been pissed had they had taken more than an hour to get it here when they initially told me it would take forty-five minutes. I realized that when I glanced at the clock on my way through my bedroom, but I couldn't help darting back into the bathroom for another look at her.

Maybe I just wanted to make sure she was really there, that I hadn't just hallucinated this whole ordeal. Regardless, I ran my eyes down her naked body and palmed my rock hard dick, adjusting it before buttoning and zipping my jeans with a groan.

"Goddamn it, Bella, you are so fucking beautiful. Stay right the fuck where you are. I'll be right back."

She laughed out loud, and then saluted me.

"Yes Sir, Doctor Cullen, whatever you say," she replied in the voice that always seemed to break me.

"HURRY UP!" I heard her yell as I ran down the hall to the stairs.

_Oh, you better fucking believe it_.

I, of course, was saluting her as well…in my own way.

XXXX

_***A/N: So…how 'bout that shower? Have you guys had enough yet? I certainly hope not, because the night's just getting started for these two. Oh, and you might want to remember the 'bullet' line from Edward…for later…hint, hint! Cold pizza anyone? ;-P**_

_**Reviews could possibly land you in the shower with Docward. Just sayin'. **_


	27. Chapter 25 Hearing Voices

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past**

**Chapter 25, "Hearing Voices" ~ One Republic**

"Docward's" POV, continued

_****A/N: You guys are so awesome! Thank you so much for all the comments and reviews! Keep them coming ladies, thanks for making it worth my time to write for you, 'cause I LOVE IT! **_

_**Huge thanks to my beta, Love Of Escapism…who whipped me into shape and brought me readers! And Brown, who busts my proverbial balls and makes me a much better writer! ILY, Woman!**_

_**If you're not familiar with Ray LaMontagne, get that way, he's awesome (and R Pattz reminds me of him ;) when he sings). Ok, so here's the playlist:**_

_**One Republic 'Hearing Voices':**_ _**www . youtube . com/watch?v=FmMHlWI6W8U**_

_**Ray LaMontagne 'You Are The Best Thing': **__**http:/ www . youtube . com/watch?v=vJ3xTjvj9tw**_

_**Ray LaMontagne 'Shelter':**_ _**http:/ www . youtube . com/watch?v=d7YXDu0ZXKg**_

_**Ray LaMontagne 'Please': **__**http:/ www . youtube . com/watch?v=4L2yLeuU150**_

_**Saving Abel 'Addicted' (acoustic): **__**http:/ www . youtube . com/watch?v=C8fo3ks42uM**_

_**Okay, so some more "lovin" in this chapter for ya…you hadn't had enough yet, right? **_

_*** GRAPHIC CONTENT WARNING**__**- yep, again. **_

_**The one and only Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight Saga, the characters, and my life. The fabulous songs are owned by the record labels and artists, sadly not me. I am staking my claim on Docward…he and all his sex-capades belong to Moi! **_

XXXX

"_Start, I'm gonna start with this,_

_Just a single thought followed by words,_

_I hope I don't miss, miss anything,_

_Write you a letter, but it's better that you hear me,_

_I suppose I could sing, write a song to share the meaning,_

_Of the love for you I'm feeling,_

_People saying saying what they will…I don't care,_

_I'm hearing voices all around,_

_I'm hearing voices calling out,_

_What would they say?_

_What would it change?_

_I'm hearing voices all around,_

_I'm hearing voices making sounds,_

_What would they take?_

_What would they say to me, if only I was listening?_

_Catch my 22,_

_I'd gladly give it to somebody because I only want to be with you,_

_I lost and used your love,_

_I start to drown and you go and pull me up,_

_Don't you listen to what they say,_

_I'm hearing voices all around,_

_I'm hearing voices calling out,_

_What would they say?_

_What would it change?_

_I'm hearing voices all around,_

_I'm hearing voices making sounds,_

_What would they take?_

_What would they say if I was listening?_

_Come here, there's something I should tell you,_

_Darlin' don't fear,_

'_Cause I'm going, going away,_

_Voices all around,_

_I'm hearing voices,_

_What will they say? _

_What will they say?_

_I'm hearing voices,_

_Voices all around,_

_I'm hearing voices all around."_

XXXX

I tipped that kid well tonight – the pizza kid – because I was in a good fucking mood…like more than twenty dollars well. He sized me up a little when I opened the door shirtless. I was certain he was a teenager, in high school or possibly early college. He was decent size, looked like a football player – muscular – but whatever. I wasn't lacking in that department, to say the least.

He tried to strike up a conversation with me when I told him to keep the change, and added a twenty to it. His eyes were wide with shock as he tucked the twenty in his pocket and asked me what I thought of the Bears this year.

"I don't know, man," I replied hastily, glancing at the clock, then toward the stairs. I was antsy to get my ass back upstairs to a very naked and waiting Bella. "I guess they're doing okay."

"Well, h—hey man, uh, thanks…and, uh, you have a great evening." He stumbled over his words, realizing I wasn't in the mood for chit-chat.

I figured he got the hint. I tried not to look at him like a dick, but he was getting dangerously close to cock blocking me, and I just couldn't have that. So I smirked, as friendly as I could muster, and nodded.

"Oh, I will. You take it easy, now." I gave him an arrogant wink as he turned and headed off to more deliveries.

I more or less tossed the pizza on the counter, took about three steps up at a time, and bolted down the hallway to my bedroom. I tore open my nightstand drawer and grabbed the box of condoms that were, sadly, unopened. I was actually rejoicing that the person I was opening the box for was Bella, but then I cringed and waited for the lighting to strike me dead. I pulled one out, turned in a huff toward the bathroom, and sighed. I took a moment to catch the breath I was out of from sprinting back up there.

When I threw open the shower door, I was preparing to attack her body once more, but stopped in my tracks.

She wasn't there.

Where the fuck had she gone?

I knew I hadn't passed her on my way back, nor did I see her in the bedroom. Therefore, she still had to be here. I turned and looked around the bathroom perplexed.

"Bella?" I called for her quietly.

Nothing.

I walked back into the bedroom, my eyes darting everywhere.

"Bella!" I called a little louder.

Again…nothing. What the fuck was she doing? She had to be there _somewhere_, and for all I knew she was still completely in the buff. My dick twitched in anticipation at the thought of that, and I walked into the hallway, calling for her once again.

"Bella! What the hell are you doing?" She still didn't answer me, and I was starting to get a little frustrated. Actually, I was starting to freak out, worrying that she had come to her senses and decided this was indeed a terrible idea. She was probably somewhere contemplating how she was going to tell me she couldn't do this, and that she needed me to take her home. Scared, no doubt, that she was going to crush my feelings. As I thought about all of this, I sauntered back into the bedroom. I stood near the edge of my bed and took a few moments to prepare myself for the bad news she was about to deliver to me.

"Fuck," I mumbled under my breath, running my hands through my hair as I stared at my bed. It was still perfectly made; the comforter and pillows were exactly where they were supposed to be. I sighed. I wanted to be looking at the aftermath of Bella and me in that bed…perhaps the comforter discarded on the floor, the sheets in disarray, pillows strewn about. I wanted to scream, and I wanted to slap myself for having the audacity to entertain such a fantasy; to believe that she would be able to, or willing to rather, sacrifice her life for me. _Idiot!_

Just then, I felt a slight electric tingling at my back. I recognized it right away and I smiled. Two smooth, porcelain arms, one with a cast, laced their way through mine, wrapping gently around my torso. I felt her warm, bare breasts press against my back, and her lips press gently onto my shoulder blade. She kissed across my back, and I felt my stomach flip.

"Hi," she purred. "Miss me?"

I let out the breath I had been holding since I first felt her touch me. Of course, I let my idiot mouth run off again before thinking, as I turned my head toward the side and whispered.

"Baby, you scared me. I thought you took off on me."

She grabbed my arm and pulled, trying to turn me around and I let her. I peered down at her and, my breath caught in my throat at the expression on her face. Her eyes were piercing, her face suddenly flushed, brows furrowed, and her mouth was a straight, hard line. I just _knew_ I'd upset her, but I wasn't exactly sure at the time how I had managed that. I couldn't read her and it killed me.

"What did you just call me?"

_Fuck._ She sounded pissed. I should have known better than to think it would be okay to call her 'baby,' because she was not my fucking _baby_ anymore. The fact was that she was cheating on her husband with _me_ tonight, and then going back to him, made that very clear. I had no claim to her other than what we had physically shared. I immediately stumbled on my words.

"Oh…shit. Bella, I—I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to…I wasn't trying to…"

"Say it again," she demanded. My eyes widened in shock. Her devilish grin began to reappear, curling the edges of her perfect lips slowly upward.

"W—what?" I was completely bewildered.

"I _said_…say it again, Doctor." She quirked an eyebrow, looked me up and down once, and then smirked. I sucked in a harsh breath and held it for a second.

"Baby," I whispered on my exhale. She smiled- wildly. She shoved me backward until my knees hit the edge of the bed, and I stumbled onto it, my back hitting the mattress. Suddenly she was straddling me, holding herself up and licking her lips.

"I always want you to call me that. Do you understand me?"

Her tone was stern, but so fucking sexy, and I was in heaven. I was stunned, however, and didn't answer her straight away. I couldn't believe what I had just heard come out of her mouth, so I just stared at her, maybe trying to decide whether or not she was joking. Her eyes were smoldering once again, piercing through me and taking hold of my soul. She pressed herself onto me and lowered her face to mine, capturing my lips in between hers. She pulled away slightly, tracing the outline of my lips with her tongue. I shuddered.

"I asked you a question," she whispered on her breath.

I was struggling, trying not to press my dick into her.

"Do you understand me, Edward?" Her sultry voice was – again – a temptation I simply could not resist.

"Yes." I stated, as I was at a complete loss for words.

"Yes, what?" She teased me with her grin and raised eyebrows.

I just continued to stare at her beautiful, heart-shaped face like a _moron_. She reached down, flicked my jeans open and shoved her hand in, stroking me ruthlessly.

"Oh God!" I cried out. "Yes, baby…_fuck!_ Yes, baby, I—I understand you!"

She smiled wickedly, and I almost came…just from the look on her face. _Oh, how I fucking loved her domineering side._ She pulled away from me and scooted down to where my knees were. As she bent over, she licked just below my navel, sinking her teeth into my quivering flesh.

"Motherfucking _Christ_!" I shrieked, and I could feel her smile against my skin.

"Do you like that, Edward?" she whispered against my body, tickling the hair in this sensitive area. I shivered.

"Yes," I responded on heavy breath, gulping loudly.

"Yes? Yes what? Did you already forget?" _Damn that sexy fucking voice!_ She bit me again, this time a little further down.

"Fuck," I groaned. "No, I didn't. Yes, baby, I do like it. _Fuck_." I wasn't sure how I was even speaking because there was no air entering or exiting my lungs. I felt like I couldn't breathe, yet was on the verge of hyperventilation.

She grabbed the waist of my jeans and boxer briefs, using both her good hand and casted one, and tugged. I lifted a little to help her out and, as she scooted herself off the bed, she slid the last of my clothing off me. She eyed me up and down, and then smiled. I thought I heard a quiet whimper before she climbed back onto the bed - and me. She slid her naked body against my erection and all the way up until her lips reached mine again.

"I want you," she whispered.

I fucking died right then and tried to grab her lips in mine, but she pulled back quickly, making me frown in response. She kissed her way back down my torso, hovering over my dick. Suddenly, she licked from the base, up the shaft to the tip. Without hesitation, she wrapped her lips around it, sucking my throbbing dick into her throat. I dug the back of my head into the mattress and fisted the comforter I was lying on with both hands, moaning loudly.

"Holy fu—Bella, shit!"

She answered my moan with one of her own as she looked up at me through her lashes. She teased me over and over, bringing me almost to the brink of explosion by pulling her lips up to the rim, then slamming me back into her throat completely, continuing to moan. She palmed the lowest part of my member, squeezing gently, massaging them as I took a sharp breath. She continued to suck and lick me, running her tongue around the head of my throbbing cock.

"Oh, mother_fu_—ck!" I moaned as I sucked in another breath, grabbing the back of her head. "Baby, yes! Bella, I'm getting….so fucking close…so close." I buried my fingers in her tousled hair. She pulled away abruptly, popping her lips off my dick, which bounced in response, and I groaned in frustration.

"Oh no you don't," she teased, continuing with a demand. "Give me the condom."

I realized that it had fallen out of my hand when I fisted the comforter, and frantically searched for it, lifting my head a little and cursing under my breath. She giggled in response at my sense of urgency. Finally my fingers located the package and I nearly threw it at her as her hand came up to meet mine.

Electricity - again.

She snatched it, ripping it open with her teeth, and I bit back a moan. Watching her tear into that package like an animal was so fucking sexy. She quickly rolled it onto me, and I threw my head back into the mattress, my sensitive dick overwhelmed by her touch. She ran her nose from my pelvis up to my chest, where she stopped to take each of my nipples into her mouth, nibbling gently.

"Fuck, Bella!" I called her name and grabbed her by the shoulders, pulling her lips to mine. "Do you have any idea how fucking crazy you're making me?"

She exhaled sharply and grinned. "I think maybe I do. I—I need you inside me. Right now." She reached down, centering me at her entrance. I held my breath , as did she, and we stared at each other, our eyes burning into the others. As she lowered herself onto me and I filled her completely, we both exhaled. She was so warm and wet. I was on fire, every nerve ending alive.

"Oh _God_," she breathed. For some reason, I was instantly concerned, worried that she was going to bolt at any given moment.

"Are you okay?" I whispered, looking into her eyes. Her eyes rolled back into her head and she nodded.

"Yes…_God_, more than okay Edward. You feel so—_so _good."

_Thank God_.

As she started rocking her pelvis on top of me, my breathing began to spiral out of control. She met my erratic breaths with her own, and began to rock faster and faster. When I grabbed her hips to help her movements, she fucking moaned – loud – and I thrust myself into her violently several times.

"Oh God, Edward! _Fuck_!" she cried out. "It's so good…_so good!_ Don't stop, _please_ don't fucking stop!"

Just as she sucked in a breath, I reached down and began rubbing circles on her clitorus with my thumb. She was all but dripping wet. She exhaled sharply and bucked wildly. I couldn't even talk, my breathing was labored, and I was getting extremely close to absolute and complete eruption. I wanted her to get as close as I was so that we could explode together. I wanted us to mold together like the lava and rock in the aftermath of a volcanic eruption. I fucking _needed_ it.

"Fuck, oh God..Bella, Bella," I groaned, as she continued to buck and moan above me. At that moment, she threw her head back, her chest heaving; eyes closed, and spoke as if she was chanting. Her words came out slowly, but fragmented.

"Oh…Edward…fu—I'm…getting…I'm…going to…"

I didn't let her finish. I stopped touching her instantly and planted my hands beside me on the bed. I shoved myself upward until I was sitting with Bella still straddling me. She gasped as I grabbed her calves and, quickly but gently, pulled them forward, wrapping her legs around my body. I felt myself slide into her a little more as her hips opened wider for me. My own eyes rolled back in my head, and I choked on my words.

"You feel so good, Baby! I lo—" Her mouth covered mine before I could say it. There wasn't a doubt in my mind that she knew _exactly_ what I was about to say, as well as there wasn't a doubt in my mind that she was a lot smarter than me. For her, it probably would have ruined the moment. Although I knew better than to say shit like that, I just couldn't help it. Being inside her, on the verge of losing my mind, I couldn't help but tell her the absolute truth about the way I felt. I also couldn't keep the words that she had spoken at the park from ripping through my head.

_Morals…unhappy marriage…a man other than her husband…she loved him…me…she still loved me_.

It didn't fucking matter. I _needed_ to stop making this so complicated. I needed to just go with this and be happy she was here…if only for right now.

She broke her lips from mine and kissed over to my ear. She breathed in and out, in and out, giving me chills.

"I know," she whispered, and I felt myself getting even more dangerously close to the edge. She threw her head back again as I wrapped my arms around her tightly.

"Oh, God, Edward, don't stop…"

"Baby, come." I panted against her neck. "I want you to come with me." She writhed against me, and I loosened my grip - dropping my hands to her ass and pushing her into me.

"Oh, God, _Edward_!" She moaned with her eyes closed, "I'm—I'm coming!"

"Look at me!" I demanded breathlessly. She did just that, and as I looked into her eyes, I let go. With a loud groan of "_fuuuuuuck_," I exploded inside of her.

We rode out our orgasms in unison as I pulsed and she began to tremble, her legs clenched around me again like vice grips. When we finally started to come down from it and relax, she seemed to collapse in my arms and her head fell to my shoulder; our chests were heaving together in utter exhaustion.

"That…was so good, Edward, so…so good," she spoke through her gasps.

All I could do was smile. Heaven. I had just made _amazing_ love to the woman that I was confident I still loved more than life, and if nothing else happened between us tonight – or ever again – I would be forever grateful to her just for letting me _be_ with her now, in this moment.

Suddenly her head popped up. She was wearing a very goofy grin. I stared at her for a second, and then chuckled. The grin was infectious.

"What?" I quizzed.

"I want to do it again!" she blurted. "Let's do it again!"

This time I laughed, and told her straight to her face, "God, you're just amazing. Of course we can, and _will_, but…" I pulled my head back to look at her. "Bella, you _have_ to be starving."

She raised an eyebrow and licked her lips. Crimson began to spread across her cheeks, and my dick twitched in response again. I cursed it. _The girl needs to eat some food! Settle the fuck down,_ I ordered it. I know she felt it, because I was still buried inside her, and her eyes became dark and hooded again.

Fuck, if I were a weaker man, I would've given in to what she purred next.

"I _am_ hungry…for _you_…you sexy, beautiful man."

I sucked in a harsh breath and – _oh who am I kidding, I was definitely going to give in, because I am a weak motherfucker – _but almost as if on queue, her stomach let out a moaning growl. I laughed out loud as she rolled her eyes.

"Pizza's in the kitchen." I grinned.

"Okay, fine!" She whimpered. "But um, c-could I borrow a shirt?"

"Of course!" I laughed as I carefully and slowly lifted her off me, causing both of us to hiss in unison. I hopped off the bed as she stretched out on it, lying on her back. Taking in her naked form was overwhelming, and I had to turn away to wrestle with putting my jeans back on – commando – or she would immediately see what she did to me. I had already established how weak I was in her presence, and I was determined to get some food into her stomach. She needed to fucking eat, and that was just what she was going to do.

I ran to the closet and grabbed a random button-down, hoping she would forget about her bra and jeans. The thought of Bella in one of my button-down shirt, panties…and _nothing_ else, was fucking sexy as hell. I wouldn't have protested her leaving the panties off either, but that was just because I was a perverted fucker.

XXXX

I had never seen a girl eat so much in my life. She stuffed five pieces of deep-dish into her little frame. This was only one less slice than _I_ had, and I hoped like hell she hadn't made herself sick.

"Oh my God, that was so good." She sighed, sucking the tips of her fingers into her mouth one by one, cleaning off the remnants of the grease, marinara, and spices that made up the pizza sauce. I licked my lips in response to her words and her actions. With the exception of the messy sauce, they mimicked some of the preceding events of the evening. I must have been staring – with my tongue wagging no doubt – because her eyes widened at my expression, and a playful smile crept across still greasy lips.

"What?" she asked innocently.

I rolled my eyes and grinned wickedly. "Oh, you don't want to know."

She shrugged her shoulders and continued sucking her fingers. God love her. _Eight…nine…ten_, I counted each finger she sucked into her ripe little mouth. I noticed a smudge of orange-ish-red on the corner of her it, and leaned toward her.

"Come here," I stated firmly and stifled a laugh.

Her eyes narrowed with suspicion, but she did as I asked and got out of her seat, took a couple steps to the other side of the table, and stood next to me.

I patted my lap. "Sit," I demanded. She did so without hesitation and immediately wrapped her arms around my neck, gazing into my eyes; her deep, blue oceans alight with fire. I leaned into her mouth and she closed her eyes, exhaling lightly. Her breath washed over me and I was drowning in her once again. I felt the pressure in my jeans, and she inhaled sharply as her eyes flew open.

"Uh, you—you have a little something…" I didn't finish my sentence because she was too overwhelming. I leaned in further and licked the corner of her mouth, causing her to gasp and tangle her left hand into my hair. I took her lips in mine and kissed her softly, parting her lips with my tongue and tasting her mouth. She pressed on the back of my head, forcing our lips together desperately, and began to return my gesture by tracing my lips with her tongue.

And then she fucking moaned. My body went up in flames. I wrapped my hands around her hips, lifting and turning her until she was straddling me. I groaned. The fucking fabric of my jeans…and that of her panties _always_ seemed to be in the way. She rocked her pelvis against my now throbbing dick once and moaned.

"Oh Edward, I could do this all night."

I fucking died again. Wrapping my arms around her tiny body, I pressed her into me a little harder and her eyes rolled back in her head…as did mine.

"Would you?" I asked coyly.

She responded by nuzzling her nose and mouth into my neck, and whispering, "I just might." I sighed heavily and pulled her away from me to look at her face. She looked groggy, but her eyes were still bright, truthful.

"Bella," I breathed. "I—I can't believe this is happening right now." I shook my head. "Am I dreaming?"

And there it was…the pansy…the weak motherfucker was out in full force.

She shook her head but didn't answer me. Her face twisted slightly, and I could almost make out a grimace. She seemed like she didn't _want_ to answer me; she just looked over my shoulder and around the room. I wondered why. Was she too afraid to tell me the truth? _God_, it drove me crazy when I couldn't read her.

_Fucking stupid!_ _Way to go idiot. Now you've made her uncomfortable_!

"Bella, I'm—" I started to apologize – for the eight-hundred-millionth fucking time – for being a complete tool, but she gasped and then pointed.

"Hey! What is that? Is that…your guitar?"

I turned my head around in the direction of where she was pointing. The living room was open off the kitchen, so the whole room could be seen clearly. I realized when I saw it half sticking out from behind the corner of the sofa that I had, in fact, left my guitar out. I again cursed myself. That was _not_ something she needed to see…needed to be _reminded_ of…the song I wrote her. _Fuck!_ The last time she heard me play was a long fucking time ago…_wonderful_. I just sat there unable to speak, waiting for her anger toward me to return.

"Hey," she spoke in a voice slightly higher than normal, and lifted my head up by my chin to look at her. "Did you hear me?"

"Uh, no," I said and blinked my eyes. I shook my head as if coming out of a trance. "I'm sorry, what?" I asked.

"Do you still play?" she repeated her question with raised eyebrows, almost excited.

_Shit!_ I didn't want her to know, but obviously I did – or started to again – and I knew where this was leading. She was going to ask me to play for her, and I did not want to. Not that I didn't _want_ to, just that I knew how much she loved it before, and I was afraid if I played now, it would just throw her back again, back into the past.

"Uh," I finally responded weakly. "Oh, a little. I just started again, uh, recently."

_Don't fucking ask me_, I thought to myself. Because I didn't want to have to tell her that I had started writing again too, and that it was another song…for her.

"Oh," she started. "Have you written anything new?"

_Shit!_ It was like fucking clockwork, and I don't know why I couldn't have just lied to her…but I couldn't.

"Uh, well, sort of."

Her eyes widened in delight. "Oh Edward! Play for me, please?"

I shook my head silently, no fucking way. She shook my shoulders – really just my right shoulder because she didn't have much of a grip with her casted hand.

"Oh, come on,_ pleeeeease_? I haven't heard you play or sing in so long, Edward, please? For me?"

_Fuck!_ I couldn't deny her, ever. So I played dumb and sighed.

"Okay, what do you want me to play?"

Her eyes glazed over for a moment, as if she was lost in her head somewhere. "Well," she mused, and then hesitated. "What about the one you wrote for me?" I tried not to gasp, but my mouth fell open a little.

"Bella," I shook my head. "I—I don't know if that's such a goo—"

"You're right," she cut me off abruptly, nodding her head in understanding. "Then what about…what about the new one?" I sighed again and grimaced.

"Bella, it—it's not finished. I don't want…I—I just don't think…"

"You—you don't want to play for me?" She puckered her bottom lip and batted her eyelashes at me.

_Goddamn it!_ She was killing me. Did she not realize that I said 'no' for her own good? Again, I couldn't deny her.

"Stop it!" I chuckled, and took her porcelain face in my hands. "Of course I do, but I don't want to play you a half-written song."

"Humph." She pouted again, and I laughed at her sad excuse for acting.

"Baby," I breathed. "I'll play for you. I promise." Her entire face lit up; she smiled wildly at me, and then dove at me, crushing her lips to mine.

"Okay, surprise me then."

XXXX

I brought a chair into the living room, placed it right in front of the sofa and settled into it, preparing to play for her. She had gone to use the bathroom, and I was glad because it gave me a few moments to contemplate what I might play. There were a couple different songs I had in mind. Both of which were probably a little too significant to sing to her, but still, everything else seemed boring. Besides, I _wanted_ to move her emotionally, if only slightly, and who knew when I would get this chance again.

A few minutes later, she glided into the room, a slight glow about her. She almost had a bounce to her step as she eyed me, taking her place on the sofa in front of me. She gazed from my face, down to my hands placed on my guitar, grinned vibrantly, then moved her eyes back up to mine and bit her lip. Sparks shot through my body at the mere expression on her face, and the warmth she exuded began to spread over me.

"What are you thinking about?" she questioned with a sweet smile.

"Just…" I paused briefly, taking her in. "…what I might play for you."

She sighed and another infectious smile spread across her face. "Well, did you decide?"

I simply nodded.

"Well, what is it?"

"I thought you wanted to be surprised?"

She glared playfully. "Okay, fine." She swept her hand toward me, "Please proceed, my sexy _music man_."

I sighed and smiled at her warmly. Placing the pick between my lips, I strummed the strings of my guitar once, adjusting a couple of them as I tried to gain the courage to play for her. She eyed the pick in my mouth and licked her lips. It sent a shiver of pleasure through my body, and I closed my eyes for a second – counting to ten silently. The song I chose to play was the more dangerous of the two, but at the moment, I didn't give a shit. The aura flowing from her was enough to give me the courage to sing the song I really wanted to her, and finally I was ready.

"Okay, um," I started. "Do you know any of Ray LaMontagne's music?" She responded with a puzzled look.

"I don't know. What does he sing?"

"Well," I mused, "you might recognize this…" I began to sing a-capella.

"_Baby…it's been a long day, baby…things ain't been goin' my way, you know I need you here…to clear my mind, all the time_."

I paused.

"And then the chorus goes…_'cause you are the best thing…you are the best thing…you are the best thing…ever happened to me_." I stopped.

Her eyes lit up. "Oh, yeah! I love that song! I guess I just never knew who sang it."

I smiled. "Okay but that's not the one I picked. Are you ready?"

"Yes," she responded confidently, and I took a deep breath. _Here it goes_. She leaned back on the sofa and sank into it to get more comfortable, her face bore a content expression. She pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs, sighing softly as she patiently waited for me to strum the first chords of the song I had chosen, but I froze. Through her bent legs, I had a perfect view of the black lace that covered her only scantily. A schoolboy's perverted fantasy – lurking under the bleachers and peering up skirts of unsuspecting, innocent girls – come true. It was the perfect crotch-shot…and I dropped my head, shaking it as I chuckled under my breath.

"What?" Bella asked, clueless.

I lifted my head back up grinning like the Cheshire cat to answer her, but instead of looking at her face, my eyes fell on the lace again. I snorted and tried to regain my composure – shifting in my chair was a _necessity – _and nodded toward her crotch as I responded.

"I, uh…I'm distracted." I didn't blink. Now, I was blatantly staring. She followed my gaze to her own crotch, beautifully situated between her ankles.

"Oh, good grief Edward!" She rolled her eyes and folded both of her legs over to the side, tucking her heels underneath her ass, and smirked.

I jutted my bottom lip out in a very manly pout. She motioned toward me, pretending to be annoyed.

"Are you going to play for me or what, Edward?"

"Well I don't know, _now_," I retorted quickly, eyeing her up and down as I raised my eyebrows and pursed my lips, teasing. "You sort of just broke my heart here, Bella." I waved my finger around at her.

"Humph." She frowned, and as a mischievous grin spread across her face, she quirked an eyebrow and purred. "Can I make it up to you later?" I clutched my chest suddenly and threw my head back.

"Aaaagh!" I shrieked, plastering a look of pain across my face. She gasped as she moved to jump off the sofa to assist me. I pulled my head back toward her and laughed. "Pain. That must mean that you just gave me a fucking heart attack!" I continued my chortling. She glared at me.

"Oh Edward!" She huffed, grabbing her own chest. "You scared the shit out of me!" She crossed her arms over her chest – somewhat comical with that big cast – and pursed her lips. "Play the damned song, damn it!" she said, furrowing her brow. I laughed again.

"Okay my dear, as long as you don't _distract_ me again," I said with a smirk.

She smiled victoriously and leaned back, resuming her position with her legs tucked snugly under her. I cursed myself for even saying anything in the first place. The crotch-shot was now a memory…but I still had a gorgeous view. I placed my hands back on the strings of my guitar, and cleared my throat. A rush of panic rolled over me, but dissipated as soon as I strummed the first chord.

"Okay, this…this song is called 'Shelter.' She grinned warmly, as I began to sing.

"_I guess you don't need it…I guess you don't want me to repeat it…but everything I have to give, I'll give to you…"_

I stared at her as I sang that line, and her eyes widened. I continued, but couldn't maintain eye contact as I sang the next few lines.

"_It's not like we planned it…you tried to stay, but you could not stand it…to see me shut down slow, as if it was an easy thing to do. So listen when…all of this around us'll fall over…I'll tell ya what we're gonna do…"_

I caught her eye again as I sang the rest of the chorus.

"_You will shelter me, my love, and I will shelter you…I will shelter you."_

I noticed the crimson start to wash over her face, and she smiled sweetly, but her eyes reflected something different.

Sadness?

_Fuck_.

I knew the next line would be even worse, and was starting to regret my song choice, but I couldn't stop now…and this song reflected everything I wanted to convey to her tonight, so I continued.

"_I left you heartbroken…but not until those very words were spoken…has anybody ever made such a fool of you? It's hard to believe it…even as my eyes do see it…the very things that make you live are killing you. So listen when…all of this around us'll fall over…I'll tell ya what we're gonna do…"_

And I repeated the chorus. I had to look away again, but returned my gaze to her as I sang the last '_I will shelter you_' from the chorus. She had tears in her eyes and she tried to keep smiling, but her lips began to tremble. I stopped abruptly.

"Bella, I'm sor—" I began to whisper an apology, but she cut me off by raising her hand up to stop me, and shook her head.

"Please." She sniffed, then sighed and smiled. "Please keep going."

I did as she asked and continued singing, "_I will shelter you_" over and over until the song ended. I sat my guitar down quickly, and went to her. As I swept her hair away from her face and behind her ear, she grabbed my chin in her palm, and pulled our faces together, kissing me gently.

"Edward…that was—that was so beautiful. I—I can't even tell you…"

"I wish I had written it," I whispered as our foreheads rested on each others. "Because it's perfect for—for you…and for me."

She pulled away from me slightly and looked into my eyes. As she smiled, a tear escaped one of her watery eyes, and I reached my lips up to her cheek, kissing it away. She let out an exasperated breath, smiled, and her eyes lit up again, warming my heart.

"Would you play more?" she asked. She suddenly looked like an excited child and I had to chuckle softly.

"Well, do you have a request?" I quizzed.

"Hmm, what about another of _that_ guy's songs?" she chirped. "That Ray guy. Do you know any?" I was elated because I'd hoped she would want to hear more, and I had picked out a less 'heavy' one to play her.

"Absolutely." I grinned and took my seat again. I then picked up my guitar and began to strum the melody. "Okay, this one's called 'Please.'" She nodded her head and motioned toward my guitar.

"Well, _please_ play it then!" She looked so fucking cute; I couldn't help but grin from ear to ear as I began to sing again.

"_Come to me, with a gentle touch…a love so real, it was far too much…for a boy like me, with a worried mind…to believe in you, I've got to close my eyes._"

This one was a little more upbeat, so when I looked at her, I laughed. Seeing her bob her head from side to side was the cutest fucking thing. I continued with the chorus.

"_You want me to say…please? Baby, I can say…please. You want me to get…down on my knees…baby, I can get down on my knees…I can say please. My will was strong, but my legs were weak…I could not walk, and I could not speak…and the love you gave, was way down south. Baby I was born, just to kiss your mouth." _

I licked my lips purposefully, and shifted my eyes to her plump lips as I sang that. The crimson returned to her cheeks and she giggled…fucking killing me. I kept singing, trying not to chuckle, and cursing my dick, which had again reacted to her sexy lips.

"_You want me to say…please…baby, I can say please. You want me to get down on my knees? Baby, I can get down on my knees…I can say…please…please. So you became a part of me, and I became a part of you…"_

I continued to sing and chuckle under my breath as she kept bobbing her head. She laughed out loud when I sang the line, _"No darlin', I ain't afraid to beg,"_ and so did I. When it was over, she clapped.

"That was awesome!" she exclaimed, a devilish look in her eye as she raised her brow. "Hmm, can I ask for one more?" I rolled my eyes.

"Bella…" I whined, like the fucking juvenile that I was.

"Do you want me to say _please_? Darlin' I ain't afraid to beg!" she chanted.

"Okay, fine," I snorted. She squealed and I spoke aloud to myself. "Damn it, I should have made her beg."

"I want you to play something, um, sexy," she retorted through her giggles.

My mouth fell open, but I wasn't sure why I was still shocked. This girl had been driving me insane all night. I jammed my mouth shut before clearing my throat, and quizzed her.

"Sexy, huh? Like what?"

She shifted her eyes up, thinking, "I don't know. Like a rock song, but a _sexy_ rock song." She bit her lip and I knew I was fucking screwed at that point. I hoped literally again. I thought for a minute and something came to mind, but I wasn't sure if she would like it.

"Alright, uh, do you like Saving Abel?" I asked hesitantly. Her eyes became wide, and she bounced on the sofa like a teenager.

"Oh my God! Do 'Addicted!' Do 'Addicted' Edward, please!" She cocked her head to the side, begging. She pretty much had me at "Oh." I chuckled and shook my head.

"Okay, settle down there, little girl!" She glared, but not for long, because I broke into song before she had a chance to open that beautiful mouth of hers again.

"_I'm so addicted to…"_

I strummed the first chord of the rock song I was now singing and playing acoustic.

"_All the things you do…when you're going down on me, in between the sheets…"_

I licked my lips and gave her my best sex-stare as I sang that, hoping I didn't look constipated. It must have worked because she gasped and blinked seemingly in slow motion. I continued.

"_All the sounds you make…every breath you take…it's not like anything, when you're loving me. Oh girl, let's take it slow…and as for you, well you know where to go…I want to take my love…and hate you 'til the end…"_

I strummed faster and harder as I growled out the words.

"_It's not like you to turn away…from all the bullshit I can't take…it's not like me to walk away…"_

I had my eyes closed; feeling the song. I opened them to see her eyes of liquid blue flames, her face bright red, and her chest heaving. _Fuck_. I started the chorus again.

"_I'm so addicted to…"_

But that was all she allowed of me, because the next thing I knew, she grabbed my guitar out of my hands, and replaced it with herself…on my legs…straddling me. She crushed her lips to mine, shoving my lips apart with her tongue, and ground herself into me.

_Motherfuck._

She inhaled, then exhaled sharply as she pulled back and whispered in that fucking sultry tone again.

"Edward, did I remember seeing some strawberry syrup in your refrigerator?"

My fucking dick got about three times harder and I threw my head back with a throaty groan. "Fuck," I started, "Uh, yeah, str—strawberry."

"Well, I have a bit of a sweet tooth, and if I remember correctly, so do you…for, um, strawberry things." She giggled, and I spoke through my grit teeth, trying to control myself from fucking exploding in my jeans.

"And, uh, what might we be putting the strawberry syrup on?"

She sighed, musing for a moment, and then pushed herself back from me. She held onto my shoulder with her left hand as she pointed, with a finger on the casted hand, to her neck.

"How about here?" She looked at me through her lashes. "And anywhere else you'd like." The smile was gone, heat was pouring from her as her breathing picked up. I reached my hands down to her ass cheeks, barely covered by lace, and pressed her into me. We moaned together, and I lifted her off me, speaking hastily.

"Don't fucking move!" She didn't. She stood and watched me as I darted to the fridge and back to her in a flash, the strawberry syrup in hand. I didn't say a word as I gently moved her head to the side, popped the lid of the syrup open, and turned it up on her neck. A generous amount flowed out, and she gasped as the sticky cold met her hot skin. I immediately planted my lips on her neck and sucked, lapping up the syrup and licking all along her neck…sweet mixing with salty.

"Oh God," she moaned, and I wrapped my arms around her body, lifting her. She, in turn, wrapped her long legs around my waist and I slowly lowered us down to the carpeted floor. She was quiet, just looking at me and breathing, the fire consuming us both. I began to unbutton the shirt I had loaned her and kissed the bare skin that appeared with each open button. Her chest heaved as she buried her hand in my hair, and she repeated my name softly over and over. When the shirt was completely open, I lifted her slightly and removed it, then unclasped her bra with one hand, holding her with the other. I discarded both, laying her back down gently, consuming her with my eyes…soon my mouth. I reached for the strawberry syrup I had placed on the coffee table, and she held her hand up, halting my arm, then pointed to my jeans.

"Take them off, Edward. I want you easily accessible."

I complied quickly. Pouring strawberry syrup on Bella Swan, then licking it off, was something I just might never get to do again, so I wasn't wasting anymore fucking time. I grabbed the bottle and began to map out her body in red by drizzling a little on each of her erect nipples – eliciting a hiss from her – and planting my mouth on them as I licked the last drop of it off.

"_Fuck_ Edward," she moaned and bucked her hips into my stomach. I felt the lace scratch me and I lifted up, hovering over her.

"Patience." I smirked, cocking my head to the side. She groaned in frustration – always a good sign – and I tipped the bottle over again, creating swirly lines from her chest to the lacy waistband of her panties. She was panting lightly, but that sped up as I began to lick and suck my way down her body.

"Jesus Christ, Edward, please!" She writhed under me and I smiled against her smooth flesh.

She wasn't the only one groaning out of frustration. My fucking dick was having its own conversation with me, berating me for being so slow. I ignored it, and kept going at my snail's pace. When I reached just under her belly button, I tipped the bottle again, filling it as if it was a tiny bowl, and jammed my tongue inside.

"Oh!" She arched her back as I sucked on it until it was clean, and then moved down. I grabbed the top of the lace between my teeth, wedged my hands under her ass, gripping the lace from the back, and pulled. "Oh yes, yes!" she cried out.

I sat back on my heels and drank her in for a minute with my eyes; her beautiful, naked, sticky body called to me. I used the syrup to my advantage…on her toes, her shins, all over her thighs. I put it everywhere, except exactly where she wanted my mouth. I knew this because every time I would get close to her pussy, she would try and contort her body just so, to get it into my mouth. Each time, she would fail, and groan again. Each time, I smiled. Carefully, so not to hurt her casted hand, I reached around her and flipped her onto her stomach.

"Ugh! Edward, what the fuck?" she hissed. I grinned to myself. Spunky Bella was the erotic fuel to my motherfucking fire.

"Shhh," I simply responded, which was followed by another exasperated grumble from her. I started in on her shoulders and back, drizzling the syrup here and there, licking and sucking as she moaned repeatedly. I drizzled it over her ass cheeks, following with my tongue, and she gasped.

"Edward, please turn me back over."

I did not comply this time. After I had slowly licked the syrup off nearly every square inch of her legs; I reached under her, placed my hands on her abdomen, and lifted until her body was supported by her knees and forearms.

"Is your hand okay…the cast?" I asked breathlessly, as I opened her legs with my knee and gently ran my fingertips down her back and in a circle around her ass cheeks.

"Yes, just, _please_ Edward, I want you inside of me," she responded in a breathy moan.

_Happy to oblige. _I leaned over, kissing along her spine, but suddenly it occurred to me. "Shit! The condoms," I blurted, thinking aloud. She sighed.

"Damn it Edward, there's one in your jeans pocket!"

"What?" I replied, perplexed. She sighed again.

"I put it there before we ate…after…"

"Oh!" I exclaimed. _Sneaky ass, she had this planned. God, I fucking love this girl._ With no time to waste, I grabbed my jeans, found the little package, ripped it open, and rolled it on with lightning speed. I then wrapped my body around her and halted at her entrance, sort of waiting for her to give the green light.

"Yes," she moaned. "Please."

"Okay baby," I replied in a whisper. She let out a ragged breath, as did I, when I slowly entered her and filled her completely from behind. I began to pump in and out of her, and she began to pant faster and faster.

"_God_ Edward, don't stop! Do…not!"

"_Jesus fucking Christ_, baby! You feel so fucking good, Bella, _so_ fucking good." As I continued to thrust, I let go of her hips and reached my arms around her. With one hand on her stomach, I slowly moved my other hand down to her wet folds and began to slide my fingers up and down.

"Mother of God!" she cried out, throwing her head back.

I traced light circles around her swollen bud, and her breathing spiraled out of control. I could feel the pressure building in me as well, and knew we were both about to explode with one another, so I pulled out quickly.

"Motherfucker," Bella groaned, but before she could breathe any more fire, I flipped her over onto her back, and dove head first between her thighs. I licked her from entrance to her clit, taking it gently between my teeth.

"_Oh God!_ _Oh God!_ _Fuck!_" she screamed.

I fucking moaned, feeling my cock begin to pulse at the sheer sounds she was making. I quickly ran my tongue up her sexy stomach, over her chest and up to her earlobes – nibbling on them, then her jaw – until I reached her mouth and smothered it with mine. Our tongues were thrashing against one another, and I felt like I couldn't get enough oxygen as we moaned and panted into each others mouths. I was fighting a losing battle as I tried to hold back, so I situated myself between her quivering legs, and slowly inched my way inside her until she surrounded me and I filled her for the _fourth_ time tonight. _Fourth and counting._

"_Edwarrrrrrd_!" She moaned, rolling my name off her tongue in a slow growl.

A low rumble came from my throat as I groaned. "_Fuuuuuuuuuuck_, Bella." I whispered as I thrust into her again and again and again. She rocked with me steadily, increasing speed, until I felt her legs clench and her back arch into an almost abnormal position. She cried my name repeatedly, and I let go. I exploded in absolute and earth-fucking-shattering ecstasy.

"Oh _Jes— fucking Christ, _baby. I can't…I can't stop…I have to…you're so fucking amazing," I spoke in low, raspy gasps, both of us greedily consuming on another, and came intensely in unison. I thrust slower as my cock pulsed the last few times, and she grabbed the back of my hair, forcing my mouth to hers once again. I finally collapsed onto her, and rolled us to the side, kissing her gently as she smiled against my mouth.

"I don't think…" She took a breath. "…I ever want to stop doing this with you tonight."

I tried not to be a sentimental fucking pansy, but my eyes filled up with tears. Luckily, I was able to blink them away before she noticed. _I_ however saw her shiver, and chills appeared on her skin as the sweat began to evaporate. Noticing this, I reached up, grabbed the afghan off the sofa, and wrapped it around her.

"I'll be right back," I whispered, and ran into the bathroom. I soaked a soft washcloth with warm water, and as I was ringing it out, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I don't know what happened exactly, possibly the thought that this could be the one and only night I ever got with her, but I was overcome with emotion and was forced to grip the sink to hold myself up. I gasped repeatedly, forcing air in and out of my lungs to try and gain some semblance of control. I sat the washcloth aside and turned the faucet on cold, then splashed the icy water onto my face two, three, four times. Finally, I was able to re-warm the cloth and return to her, wrapped up like a baby and peacefully leaning up against the sofa.

She looked at me and grinned as she quirked an eyebrow. "You planning on giving me a sponge bath, Doctor?"

_Oh my God_. I was losing my fucking mind. I don't know how it was even possible, but my dick was rock hard again. _No! Not now!_ I berated it. The sex was indescribable, that was a given, but I was _going_ to cuddle with this girl like a goddamned pansy before she disappeared, and I wouldn't allow my hormones to get in the way. I stifled a groan and managed a crooked grin as I exhaled sharply and replied.

"Well…you're getting my blanket all sticky, and I just can't have that."

She smiled, and I began to wash her body gently with the cloth. The warm cloth to her cold skin seemed to create more chills, and she hissed at first. The hisses were soon replaced by erotic "mmmm's" and I fought within myself to remain a gentleman. This was particularly difficult with the way she was staring at me…like I was her prince charming or something. It was almost too much to process.

When I finished, I ran and grabbed another blanket – a non-sticky blanket – proceeded to wrap it around the both of us, and then I fucking spooned her on the sofa. I grabbed the remote from the coffee table, careful not to spill the bottle of strawberry syrup, that I would never look at the same again, and flicked the fireplace on, as well as the stereo.

I couldn't even say how long we lay like that, wrapped in the blanket, our bodies intertwined as we listened to some blues and jazz, but it was a while. Bella finally started nodding off, and I gently coerced her up the stairs and to the bed. As we drifted off to sleep, _in my bed_, naked and wrapped around each other still slightly sticky from the syrup residue, I thanked God. I silently said a prayer, feeling like an idiot because – again – I was positive I'd already been condemned for my actions, thanking him for allowing me to spend this unforgettable night with Bella. Finally, her breathing lulled me into a deep slumber.

XXXX

_****A/N: Well, are we exhausted? I know I was after writing all that "fuckery"…*snicker* Hmmm, I think if he sang those songs to me, I'd jump his bones too! Docward wants to know how he performed. So, don't disappoint him, Ladies…REVIEW! **_

_**On a side note, I know some of you may have serious issues with the adultery aspect in this story. I understand your opposition, but it will not stop any time soon. You were warned in the beginning, and here's yet another one. You read this at your own risk. Thank you to those sticking with me!**_


	28. Chapter 26 The Secret's In The Telling

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past**

**Chapter 26, "The Secret's In the Telling"~ Dashboard Confessional**

Edward's POV continued

_***A/N- Well, life's been crazy, so I'm sorry for the slight delay on this one. I did something a little different here as well. We've heard so much from Edward, that I needed to put a short Bella POV in there, and I did at the end. Next chapter will be from Edward again, and then Bella will have the floor! A pretty significant revelation here…Edward nearly spills the beans 'bout Jacob's extra curriculars, and also some confessions of L-O-V-E! I heard this song by DC and felt it was perfect.**_

_**Song Link, The Secret's In The Telling - www . youtube **__**. com/watch?v=XnjjkR14rHY**_

_**Lots of love going out to my beta, Love Of Escapism, I love you BB! **_

_**All things Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer. I just gave her characters the once-over.**_

XXXX

"_The signal is subtle…we pass just close enough to touch,_

_No questions, no answers…we know by now to say enough,_

_With only simple words…with only subtle turns,_

_The things we feel alone for one another,_

_There is a secret that we keep,_

_I won't sleep if you won't sleep,_

_Because tonight may be the last chance we'll be given,_

_We are compelled to do what we must do,_

_We are compelled to do what we have been forbidden,_

_So I won't sleep if you won't sleep tonight,_

_Our act of defiance…we keep this secret in our blood,_

_No papers, or letters…we pass just close enough to touch,_

_We love in secret names…we hide within our veins,_

_The things that keep us bound to one another,_

_There is a secret that we keep,_

_I won't sleep if you won't sleep, _

_Because tonight may be the last chance we'll be given,_

_We are compelled to do what we must do,_

_We are compelled to do what we have been forbidden,_

_Until the last resilient hope…is frozen deep inside my bones,_

_And this broken fate has claimed me…and my memories for its own,_

_Your name is pounding through my veins…can't you hear how it is sung?_

_And I can taste you in my mouth…before the words escape my lungs,_

_And I'll whisper only once…_

_There is a secret that we keep,_

_I won't sleep if you won't sleep,_

_Because tonight may be the last chance we'll be given,_

_We are compelled to do what we must do,_

_We are compelled to do what we have been forbidden,_

'_Cause you will be somebody's girl,_

_And you will keep each other warm,_

_But tonight, I am feeling…cold."_

XXXX

I was awakened by Bella's delicate fingers tracing along the lines of my face and smiled. She looked so incredibly beautiful with her hair in wild disarray and her eyes brightly gleaming.

"I can't believe I'm here," she murmured, the corners of her mouth curling up. "I thought it was all a dream." I sighed and raked my eyes over her face, studying it.

"I can't believe it either honestly. I thought you would leave me while I slept."

She shook her head and furrowed her brow in what seemed like concern. "No Edward, there's no place I'd rather be. The only reason I need to leave today is to be with my children. That's it."

I was in complete bliss. Shocked, yes, but pleasantly surprised to see her still in my bed. I wanted her to _always_ be in my bed. I wanted to wake up to her porcelain, heart-shaped face, deep blue eyes and chestnut waves every morning for the rest of forever. But I knew I couldn't have what I wanted. I was reminded of that with the glint of the diamond ring on her left hand…a ring that I never gave myself the chance to give her…a ring another man had placed on her finger and vowed to love, honor, and cherish her. To that man she had done the same…a man that didn't deserve her.

But, the question was, did I?

I sighed harshly and tried to erase the negative thoughts - tried to prevent the anguish from spreading across my face. She must have caught a glimpse of it however, and whispered as her face continued to reflect concern.

"Edward, please…please don't."

I reached over and pulled her body to me. My hormones took over again, of course, and my dick twitched at the feeling of her skin, hardening against her stomach. She felt it, and looked at me with hooded eyes as she sighed and wrapped her leg around my hip. I pressed myself into her and she moaned, attaching my mouth with her supple lips. She didn't seem concerned with my morning breath or the way she looked which, in my opinion, was amazing. This seemed all too natural for us…to be waking up together, naked, in each other's arms. I rolled her over on top of me and reached into the nightstand drawer, raising my eyebrows at her in an unspoken question. She nodded and licked her lips.

"Yes, Edward. You have to know I want you," she whispered. I exhaled and threw my head back onto the pillow, grinning slyly.

"Well…I was hoping." I reached into the drawer and pulled out of the package what would be the _third_ condom we would use during our little rendezvous.

We made love again that morning, panting and moaning over and over with one another, until we came undone together and she collapsed on top of me. I let her fall back to sleep; it was so early yet, and she seemed completely exhausted, as if she hadn't slept in weeks.

I finally pulled myself out of bed around eight o'clock and, after reluctantly tearing my eyes away from the breathtaking vision of a naked Bella in my bed - her chestnut waves splayed out around the pillow, the sheet clinging lightly to her lower hips, and her porcelain back rising and falling in steady rhythm with her soft breaths - I took a quick shower, then headed to the kitchen to cook her breakfast. I actually _did_ have some eggs and sausage links, and since I made a pretty mean cheesy omelet, I whipped us both up one.

When I was finished cooking, I went back up to the bedroom and stirred her by placing gentle kisses all over her ivory face. I led her to the kitchen where we stared at one another as we ate in silence. Even though she still felt a little 'grimy' – her words, not mine – from the strawberry syrup escapades the night before, she told me she didn't want to shower until she got home.

_Home_.

That word felt like acid in my brain as I repeated to myself that this was not, in fact, her _home_. I silently wished that it would be…someday…and I could wait, as long as it took I would wait. She belonged with me and I with her. There was no other logical end to this scenario that I could come up with, other than we ended up together, somehow…some way. It _had_ to be.

So I helped her get her clothes back on; it was rather depressing to see her body that, for the entire night, was so free and exposed, completely covered in her jeans and her hoodie. As soon as she was dressed, it was painfully obvious that it was time to get her…_home_…and I cursed time for not halting all together for us.

We didn't discuss much on the way to her house that morning. She looked at her phone, happily noting aloud that she had no missed calls, but scowled fiercely when she discovered that she had received a text from Jacob. Apparently, the text said something to the effect of 'he was sorry that _she_ couldn't be more supportive of his work-related outings, and that he would be home later than originally planned.'

The sadistic motherfucker in me rejoiced gleefully at the fact that she was so pissed to have even heard from him.

After that, she made a quick call to Alice announcing that she would be over there around noon to pick up the kids. And all too soon, we were back to our quiet thoughts.

I noticed a rather remarkable change in her during our all but silent car ride. Instead of the nervous and uptight Bella, who had ridden in my car the evening before, she was relaxed and content. She seemed almost…happy? I couldn't read her, however, and when I caught her gazing at me, I spoke up.

"Baby, talk to me. What's on your mind?" I asked as I blinked slowly and smiled at her.

She sighed as a discrete grin played at the corners of her mouth and closed her eyes. I assumed this was in reaction to me calling her 'baby' which she, herself, had commanded I _always_ call her. As always with me…_Bella asks Edward, Bella gets exactly what the fuck she wants_. She looked over at me through her lashes and her smile faded with her answer.

"Just…you…" She sighed again. "_Us_…and how much I wish things…" She rolled her eyes as she said this. "…were different; that things weren't so fucked up and complicated." She looked down at her hands and began fidgeting with the string of her hoodie. Her voice had trailed off to a near whisper.

My heart sank.

The whole night I had tried to prepare myself that this could possibly be a one-night thing, but when she said that, reality slapped me right in the fucking face. I gripped the steering wheel a little tighter and gritted my teeth. I tried to gain control of the raging emotion I felt welling up. I wanted to tell her to just _un-fucking-complicate things then_. _Leave him, Bella. When we get to your house, pack your shit, gather your kids, and come back to me…where you belong._

I held the silent conversation in my head.

_Bella, you're moving in with me._

She would protest of course, not because she still loved him, but because she didn't want to burden me. I would insist. I wouldn't take no for an answer, and eventually…I would win. She would be mine again; she would be home with me. In my heart of hearts, however, I knew that this conversation would probably never happen, so I kept my mouth shut…or at least I _tried_. I kept the torture I was putting myself through silent and in my own head.

Instead, I stared straight ahead until we pulled onto her long driveway and I stopped the car directly behind hers. I tried to disguise the pain, the resentment I felt for the man she was legally tied to as well as the complicated mess this was. How could I expect her to just up and leave her life behind? What made me think she would _want _to do that? She needed an escape, and I suppose that was what I gave her last night.

I suppose that was what I was to her.

An escape.

In that instant, my anger got the best of me, and although I knew I should have let it go, I didn't. As usual, my mouth got away from me.

"Maybe you should do something about it then, Bella," I hissed, not meaning for it to come across as acidic as it had. She looked over at me. Her wide eyes were suddenly filled with hurt, but that didn't stop me. "Remember how you told _me_ that Rose didn't deserve me?" She nodded once, her mouth set in a hard line. "Well," I continued, acid still lacing my tone. "Neither does _he_. I mean, he doesn't deserve _you_, Bella…and _I _don't want to be just an escape for you. I don't want him to have any part of you…to…to OWN you, like he believes that he does! I want ALL of you, Bella. I want ALL of you!" I slammed my hand onto the steering wheel. "_Damn it!_" I muttered, half yelling, and clenched my jaw. She jumped and gasped at my sudden rage, but still just stared at me. Her mouth gaped briefly, but she quickly shut it.

I instantly knew I had made a serious mistake in voicing my feeling so profoundly, and my thoughts immediately reverted to what I was thinking _before_ I let my fucking mouth go.

_How could I possibly expect her to agree to it? How could I expect her to even listen to me or accept my behavior at this moment?_

Her wide eyes suddenly flamed with unrequited anger and narrowed into thin slits. She was glaring at me. I deserved it. Softening my expression as much as I could, I began to back-peddle.

"Bella," I whispered and shook my head. "Baby, please—"

"Don't," she interrupted, _her_ voice now dripping with acid as she grasped the handle and flung the door open, jumping out.

Having flashbacks of the night I had brought her home, I panicked and turned the car off. I jumped out of it myself and bolted to stand in front of her.

"Edward, just get back in your car and go!" she spat.

"No," I replied softly but assertively, planting my feet in front of her.

"You know what…" She flung her head back to glare at me again. "For a _doctor_ you're not very fucking smart!" She sucked in a breath and held it, as if contemplating what to say next. Her eyes were blazing – even brighter in the sunlight – and although I was terrified that I had once again fucked up whatever this was between us, I couldn't help but become turned on. Spunky, angry Bella did it to me every time without fail. I stifled it when I noticed her bottom lip begin to tremble and her eyes become watery.

_Fuck!_ _I'm a complete imbecile!_

I nodded in recognition and defeat…and searched her eyes for the familiar warmth that I needed to see. It was hidden, but not hard to find when she looked up at me again.

"You're right," I said. "I'm not that smart at all, Bella." I tried out my crooked grin, and then bowed my head toward her and bore my eyes into hers. "I'm a fucking moron and I'm sorry." She paused for a moment as she ran her eyes all over my face. It seemed that my influence had distracted her, but as quickly as she had paused her tirade, her eyes flashed like lightning again, and she let out a harsh sigh.

"You—you don't even know _anything_!"

"No, I don't," I interrupted. She sighed again, but this time pointed her finger into my chest.

"And—and you're going to _presume_ to know what you _are_ to me? Why would you…how could…why would you do that?"

"I don't know," I interrupted again, shaking my head. I couldn't help the subtle upward curl that threatened to reveal itself at the corners of my mouth. The situation itself did not strike me as funny at all, but I was amused by how fucking cute – and sexy – she looked when she was pissed. She huffed and continued.

"Well, DON'T, damn it!"

"Okay." I nodded my head.

"You think you're just some fucking _toy_ for me to play with?" she continued to vent.

"No." I shook my head.

"You think I do this shit all the time, Edward? Well, I DON'T!"

"I know." I nodded.

"I've never done _anything_ like this before!"

"I know, I'm sorry." I nodded again, but this didn't faze her.

"And you…" She pressed her finger into my chest. "You are NOT an escape for me! If anything you…you're…"

"I'm what?" I asked. "What am I, Bella?"

She huffed loudly, followed by a frustrated growl.

"Would you just…STOP interrupting me?"

I held my hands up in surrender, but said nothing and choked back the chuckle that I really wanted to let out at the sight of her blazing red face. She placed her hand on her hip and looked down, apparently trying to calm herself, and I simply waited. Finally, she looked up at me.

"Look, Edward, I—I really don't know what to do here. I mean, it might seem simple to you…but you, you're not married. I know I don't want to be with him anymore, but it…Edward it scares the _hell_ out of me." Her eyes began to well up with tears, and I felt like even more of a total douche bag than even before I started actually acting like one. I reached my arms out to her and walked toward her, but she held her hand up, placing it on my chest to stop me. I froze, my eyes pleading with her.

"Bella," I stated with remorse. "I—"

"Please Edward." She shook her head. "Let me finish."

"Of course." I nodded.

"He's…vindictive, and—and I know if he knew about us, then he would make me out to be the bad guy." She sighed. "What I was going to say was that you…you're not an escapee for me, Edward. If anything, you complicate my life even more…"

Her voice was beginning to shake and I couldn't take it. I dropped my head and shook it, definitely _not_ wanting to hear this either. At that moment I realized I was hurting her by forcing myself – my feelings – on her. That was the last thing I wanted to do. It made my heart nearly burst in my chest to see her hurting in this way, and I knew I needed to correct it.

"I…" I sighed. "I should go then. I should leave you alone, Bella. You don't need me to complicate your life any more than it already is."

As I turned to meander back toward my car with my tail between my legs and feeling pathetic, I heard her gasp for air. Her left arm laced through mine, which I had securely placed in my pocket to avoid touching her, and gripped my torso tightly. I froze again, and her lips connected with my shoulder blade, sending electricity through my shirt.

"You're so _stupid_ sometimes, Edward," she whispered. I abruptly turned to face her, dumbfounded. She continued, raising her chin up to look into my eyes. "I don't care about that…the complication of us…I—I don't care about it. Don't you understand?" I just continued to search her eyes, unsure that what I was hearing was truth. She sighed again, "I want _you_, Edward." My mouth fell open. "I—I need you in my life now…I think maybe you feel the same?"

I said nothing but took a step toward her and forced my frozen head to nod once. She looked away and shook her head as I found my voice finally, and reached my hands down, placing them on each side of her face to still her.

"Baby," I began. She sighed. "I couldn't…imagine a life without you now." She smiled slightly, the pain still showing through it, so I continued. "Please…_please_ open up to me."

"I just…" she licked her lips, her eyes once again piercing my soul. "I have to figure this out. I'm _scared_." Her voice was barely a whisper. I pressed my lips together.

"Of _him_? I…Bella, I'd never let him hurt you." I spoke through my teeth, irritated at the amount of control he seemed to have over her.

"No!" She pulled back a little. "Not _of_ him physically. Of what he could do otherwise. Edward, he could…ruin my life. I'm afraid he would try to take the kids away from me…make this all my fault, and—and I can't let that happen. If he knew I cheated…" She paused and took a ragged breath. I could feel a rumble of rage beginning to build in the pit of my stomach as she continued. "I think, well, I think that's all he would need…to—to take them from me. I—I'm not working right now. I can't for a while. I have a little saved, but…I—I couldn't fight him in that way, Edward, and I couldn't handle…" Her eyes filled up with tears. "…not seeing them every day."

I was glaring – not at her – over her head at the house, the life he had with her, the life he took for granted with her…the life _I_ would give everything up for.

"He would do that, Edward." I could feel the tremble in her hand as she reached over and clasped her fingers around mine, bitterness in her voice. "He's…p—perfect you know." There was a hint of sarcasm, but more so humility in her tone, for herself.

I tried. I tried so fucking hard to keep from just telling her he was a snake. I tried not to tell her exactly what I knew about him, and what I'd heard not a week ago from Emmett. But for her to think that she was the guilty party…that she had betrayed _him_…he was _perfect?_ It was too much for me, and I exploded.

"Oh, please Bella!" I snarled as I took a step backward, shaking my head. Her eyes became huge, and she gasped at my outburst. "He's _far_ from fucking perfect!" I continued to shake my head, my fists now clenched.

"W—what are you—" she began, but I interrupted.

"He's a fucking _asshole_ to you, Bella! You think _you've_ fucked up here? _You?"_ I huffed. "You really think he was telling you the truth on the phone yesterday…that he was fucking _napping_ in his room?"

She looked away, her brows pinched together tightly.

"He's a fucking _liar_, Bella!" I spat. "He fucking does this shit to you all the time!"

"Edward!" She snapped her head back and stared at me. "What are you talking about? Do—do you know something? What do you know that you're not telling me?"

I turned away from her, continuing to shake my head, suddenly unsure of what to say, _home wrecker extraordinaire_ playing on repeat through my head. I was torn because this could be my chance to separate them, but _God_; it wasn't my fucking decision to make. I knew in that instant, that I couldn't tell her shit. I couldn't tell her about Leah or anything else. It was all hearsay. I couldn't prove a mother…fucking…thing.

"Edward!" she screeched. She had placed herself squarely in front of me again, and her hand was planted on my shoulder, her eyes pleading. "Please…what do you know?" I pressed my lips together and looked away, then took a breath.

"Just what I've heard," I mumbled.

"From whom?" Her voice shot up at octave.

"Emmett," I stated bluntly as I looked back at her.

"Emmett?" She studied my face, confused. "What the hell has Emmett told you?"

I sighed. "Just…you—you can't trust him, Bella. He, well he still holds a grudge…from a long time ago, when you drank tequila and—"

"Oh my God!" she exclaimed. "You have to be fucking kidding me!"

I shook my head.

"No…he says 'an eye for an eye'…well, I mean he's said it before."

She stepped back from me, brow raised.

"An eye for an…what the…I didn't even…he fucking TOLD you guys about that?" I didn't respond because her voice was teetering on hysteria. "What else?" She pursed her lips, her nostrils flaring, "What has he _done_ behind my back?" I raised my eyebrows, now feeling a little on the defensive.

"I—I don't know exactly."

"You don't know?" She walked toward me and shoved me with her good hand. "Don't fucking lie to me, Edward. I swear to _God!_"

"Bella, calm down…"

"No! That mother— the trips, going out all the fucking time! Oh! I'm calling Emmett!"

"No!" I blurted, and she glared at me.

"Why the hell not?"

I sighed. "Just please don't Bella. He's only going to piss you off even more, and he wouldn't know that I've said anything to you…I shouldn't have."

"Oh, I'm _so_ glad you did," she snapped sarcastically. "I'm definitely calling him. I need some fucking details. That's it!" She swiped her left hand through the air in front of her and suddenly, I felt like one of her five-year-olds.

I ran my hands through my hair and muttered, "Fuck," under my breath before pleading with her again.

"Look, Bella, if I tell you what Emmett told me on the phone last week, will you _please_ not call his idiot ass?" She nodded and smirked. _God, I'm such a moron…she kills me._ So I gave her a less detailed version of Emmett's self-proclaimed hilarious tale, and tried to be as vague as possible. Afterward, she stood silent for a few seconds, and then backed away from me shaking her head. She looked at me with agony and anger in her beautiful eyes, her voice reflecting the same as she spoke.

"Can I have a man…_ever_…that doesn't cheat on me?" Then she chuckled humorlessly. "Well, I guess 'an eye for an eye' is right, Jake." She spoke into space quietly.

I took a step toward her with my arms outstretched and remorse in my eyes. Remorse for what I just said and for what I had done in the past. I hadn't exactly told her he had cheated, but I didn't believe she needed to hear those exact words to come to the conclusion she had come to. I was quite positive that she had mixed feelings because of what she herself had done the night before. Still, I knew what she was referring to, and I was willing to take it. I needed to take this pain from her, and I was praying that I hadn't screwed this up – whatever _this_ was – for a second time. She surprised me by closing the gap between us, her body colliding to mine, and wrapping her arms around my torso. She buried her face into my chest and mumbled, her voice straining with emotion.

"I'm so sorry, Edward, that was wrong. I—I shouldn't have said that. It's not…it's not about you."

I wrapped my arms around her slight frame and squeezed gently. Bringing my hand to her chin, I lifted it up for her eyes to meet mine and smiled softly.

"No, baby." I shook my head and swallowed the huge lump that had formed. "Don't apologize to me…please. I'm the one who should be sorry. _I_ am." I heard my voice crack with emotion, and cleared my throat, but I couldn't seem to get a handle on it. "I _am_ sorry. I'm so…so sorry for ch—for what I did to you all those years ago…and hurting you. I've suffered for it each and every day of my life since…uhnng…since then and…" I took a ragged breath as I struggled to form the right words. If nothing else, she had to know beforeI left her here today, how much I needed her. "And if…if I could, I'd like to spend everyday for the rest of my life, making it up to you."

I tried to blink away the tears that had pooled in my eyes at that moment…the fucking traitorous tears that made me look weak, but this only served to force them out of my eyes, and they plummeted onto my cheeks. _Fuck._

She reached her arms up and around my tense neck, pulling my head down to meet her gaze. Her lips were trembling and her nose red; her sapphire eyes completely engulfed in pools of liquid as she tugged harder on my neck and placed her lips on my cheek. Pushing herself up onto her tiptoes, she kissed my wet cheeks, one and then the other, before pressing her forehead against mine. She let out a breathy chuckle, inhaling harshly before she whispered.

"I want that so badly Edward, but you don't need to make _anything_ up to me. You have to be in my life and never leave. _You have to._" Her voice cracked and she pressed her lips – wet from both my tears, and those that now spilled from her eyes – to mine softly and smiled.

"Oh God Edward, I've missed you so much."

"I—you have no idea how much I've missed you," I breathed as I pulled her into a tight embrace. She kissed me again.

"Edward…you take my breath away when I'm with you, but when I'm without you now…I literally can't breathe. It's so weird…I mean I guess it just never went away, and—and we never had the opportunity to..." She took another breath. "I don't understand it, but I don't really want to. Edward, just…please don't go yet."

"Baby, I'll stay as long as you want me to."

"Oh, I want you to stay forever." She threw her head back and laughed softly. "But that might cause a small problem." She slammed her lips against mine and forced her tongue between them. I accepted whole-heartedly, and my dick reacted immediately. I reached down, grabbed her ass with both hands, and pressed her forcefully into me. She gasped and pulled away from my face as she quirked an eyebrow.

"Now you're definitely not going anywhere," she purred, and this time it was me who threw my head back and moaned.

"Yes, my queen." I grinned. "Whatever you say." I picked her up and walked up the few steps to her front door, which I slammed us both into. She let out a breath as her back collided with the solid oak.

"Oh, _fuck_," she muttered as I pressed my rock hard erection into her, her legs tightening around my waist. She gripped the back of my head, curling her fingers into my hair. "Edward…"

"Mm?" I responded as I kissed along her jaw line to her ear, and back down to the corner of her mouth.

"Edward…" She placed her left hand on my jaw and pulled my head up to look at her. "I'm so in love with you, Edward."

Her words coursed through me and I gasped. I thought my heart was going to literally explode in my chest, and the breath whooshed from my lungs.

"_God_, I fucking love you so much Bella," I breathed before slamming my lips against hers again and grinding into her.

"Oh God," she moaned quietly. "Edward, I need you to take me so badly; I want you."

I attacked her mouth again, forcing my tongue between her lips and twirling it around hers. Her legs gripped my waist tighter, and her breathing began to pick up. Suddenly she pulled back a little. "But…" she mumbled against my mouth. I pulled back and looked at her.

"But?" I smirked, and squeezed her ass cheeks. "I fucking love your butt too," I muttered, and dove into her mouth again. She turned her head to the side, keeping her lips away from me. This wasn't a big problem for me, I simply attacked the vein that was pulsing beneath her translucent skin…nipping and sucking as I pressed my erection harder into her and against the sturdy wood of the door.

"_Shit_," she moaned. "No Edward. I meant but…" she loosened the grip her legs had on my waist, and pushed me back, sliding down and landing on her feet in front of me. I studied her face and she looked worried.

"What is it?" I asked, suddenly alarmed.

"I—I have to…get my key."

I laughed. "Jesus! You scared me. Get your key out…_now_." I teased with mock authority and smiled.

"And…" she continued, still looking concerned. "Edward…" she looked away.

"Baby, just say it." I sighed

"There's something…you should know that…well, I need to tell you something before…before…" she sighed and began to fiddle with her cast. I reached up and gently cupped the cheek facing away from me, and turned her head back to my direction. I bent down and rested my forehead on hers, then kissed it before pulling back slightly to look her in the eyes.

"Spit. It. Out," I murmured and smiled.

She averted her eyes from mine and sighed again. "When I left you and went to Florida…"

My heart sank as soon as she recalled that awful memory and shoved it back into my mind.

"I—I was…"

"You were what?" I asked, interrupting her because she had paused again, and I was suddenly – for no apparent reason – terrified of what might come out of her mouth.

"Edward, I was p—" Suddenly her phone blared from inside her purse and she jumped. I jumped. "_Fuck!_" She shouted, and dug into her purse. Locating it, as it continued to blare a familiar tune, Ray LaMontagne's _You Are the Best Thing_, she snatched it out of her purse.

"You had that song as your ring tone?" I asked quickly, confused.

"No, I changed it," she said in a rush.

"When?" I asked, smiling.

"On the way here," she muttered, distracted as she glared at the screen. "It's Alice…I have to…" She looked at me apologetically, and I nodded, still grinning. "Hey Al," she answered quickly. "Oh, okay." Her face fell. Not a good sign for us. "Well, do I have time to shower?" I smirked when she said the word 'shower' and she caught it, smirking back at me. "Well, I can't necessarily shower quickly, Alice, I have a cast on!" She sighed, "Okay…okay…just let me throw some clothes on and…no, I haven't gotten dressed yet…_because_, Alice!" She rolled her eyes and continued. I, on the other hand, was getting quite irritated at Alice's obvious lack of compassion for her sister. "Okay…I know…I'm—I'm sorry for yelling…I know, and you did help me, Al, okay? I'll be there as soon as possible…I love you too, Sis."

She pressed 'end' and then stared at her phone for a couple seconds before shifting her gaze back to me. She looked at me with apprehension in her eyes, and I nodded before she spoke.

"I understand, Bella. It's okay."

She sighed, "I'm so sorry Edward." She reached her left hand up and cupped my cheek, looking over my face lovingly and I placed my hand over hers, closing my eyes. "I want you to know," she said softly, "that last night was…it was amazing, Edward. I'm going to miss every second until I see you again." I reached down and kissed her lips gently, staying there for a few seconds, fusing my lips to hers, not wanting to let her go...ever.

"When do you think that might be? When—when will I see you again?" I asked her when I finally broke the kiss. She dropped her head and pressed it to my chest as she sighed.

"I don't know. I have to see Carlisle next week on Friday." She looked at me and raised her casted hand. "Follow-up." I nodded and sighed as well. "Will you be working then?" she asked as she looked into my sad eyes, her voice again thick with emotion and her eyes watery.

"Doesn't matter," I whispered, afraid my voice would crack if I spoke any louder, and clenched my teeth. "I'm taking the week off." I shrugged. "You know…to relax after…but even if I'm not, I'll meet you there." I bent down to her eye level and took her face in my hands. "I promise, baby, I will see you there if you want me." Then I kissed her passionately and pressed my body into hers.

"_God_, I do want you…everyday." She kissed me back with equal passion, and darted her tongue into my mouth as she moaned. Not seeing her for even a week was going to nearly _kill_ me and I knew it, but I had waited so many fucking years to even have a fraction of the moments we had shared during the last day, so I could handle a week. A week, however, would be all that I could handle. I lightened things up a bit by quirking an eyebrow and licking my lips.

"So," I purred, "are you sure you don't want a shower?" I cocked my head to the side. "I could give you a quick one…with my tongue." The wicked grin nearly split her face in two and she laughed.

"Oh, Edward, you're such a fucking perv! You're killing me here! Thank you," she said and then arched an eyebrow at me before continuing in that sexy, sultry fucking voice of hers. "But I think I can _handle_ things."

"Oh, I'll be handling things soon," I taunted, reaching around her, giving her ass cheeks a squeeze, and slamming my mouth into hers once again.

"Shit." She chuckled breathlessly into my mouth and, as I broke the kiss, I rested my forehead on hers.

"I fucking love you so much, Bella." She grabbed the back of my head and forced my lips to hers again. As she pulled away from me reluctantly, she smiled and whispered back to me.

"So…_so_ much."

That was where I left her, standing on her porch steps, staring at me with heartrending eyes…but the most beautiful smile spread across her porcelain face. She waved and I waved back. I blew her a kiss, which she caught. It was such a cheesy gesture, but I didn't really give a shit.

Her driveway was fairly easy to maneuver, and I barely glanced at it in the rear-view as I backed away from Bella, my eyes affixed to hers. The ride was uncomfortable to say the least. I squirmed in my seat practically the whole way because I had the worst case of blue-balls imaginable. I held a silent conversation with them, explaining that they would just have to suck it up for the next few days…or longer. _Fuck_, I hoped not longer.

XXXX

***Bella's POV***

I was in hell. Then again, I was in heaven at the same time.

"How is that even fucking possible?" I muttered to myself under my breath as I watched him back away from me and down my driveway. Even as the vision of him became more difficult to see as the feet separated us rapidly, his emerald green eyes continued to bear into mine…into my soul.

_A ray of light in the darkness I felt penetrating me and trying to swallow me whole._

What the hell was I supposed to do now? I had more or less just confessed and pledged my un-fucking-dying love to this man, spent a night of unrequited passion with him that reeked havoc on my center of gravity, and now for some unearthly reason, felt he was the tenor of my very existence on this planet. _Other than my children of course. Wonderful. I felt like mother-of-the-year._ All this for what? So that now we had to keep this secret? This secret was going to eat me alive. It already was, and I was a hot-damned-mess because of it.

My shaking hand turned the key to unlock the deadbolt and I entered my home, slamming the door shut behind me. Home. It certainly didn't feel like home to me anymore. How did this shit happen to me? My life was _fine_ a little over a week ago.

No it wasn't.

I was kidding myself.

Obviously, Jacob and I had been having problems for years, if I was willing to risk my entire life for Edward…and I was. Jacob was obviously up to no good himself, and I had _obviously_ turned a blind eye to it. This was clear to me now, especially after the words fell from Edward's mouth so eloquently.

"_He still holds a grudge," he said as the muscles in his jaw tensed. "An eye for an eye."_

As much as those words branded me, burned me with painful contempt, Edward made them sound beautiful with his breathtaking voice. _Jesus_, it's him. _He _was beautiful, inside and out. Even when he was erupting on me and spewing his possessive jealousy, his beauty shown through. He didn't want to tell me any of it, but I knew deep in my heart he was trying to protect me. I had responded adversely because I knew immediately that he knew more, yet refused to hurt me any more than he felt like he already had.

I also knew that I couldn't ask him any more about it, because even if he did know more – which he swore he didn't, and I had no choice but to believe him – he wouldn't put me through that. Apparently it was _Emmett_ that would be my information base at this point…and I had to know. The problem at hand was that I wasn't even certain I deserved to know, now that I had joined the ranks of all the cheating spouses. Nevertheless, my conscience needed to know before it ate me alive.

I started putting two and two together, however, and the anger began to beseech me. All his late nights supposedly at the office, working on some fucking "deal" with a new buyer, or some "disaster" with advertising…poker nights on the weekends…and the recent turn of events. Namely the fact that he didn't even make it home that night, and when he did, his neck had obviously been assaulted by another woman's mouth. Of course the most recent being Las Vegas…and the blatant sound of another woman's voice in his hotel room. He must have thought I was complete idiot.

_Jesus_, I had been such a passive moron! I suppose taking care of rambunctious twins and balancing two jobs could be a reason for that, but the underlying reason…the reason that blared in my head like a bullhorn shattering the calm still in the dead of night, was that perhaps I just didn't care.

_I don't care. _

I took a few steps inside and stopped, looking around at the interior of my empty house. It felt no different than it had felt for years with all of us in it…empty…empty lives…empty love…empty hearts. Even the photographs of Jake and I didn't feel right anymore, didn't feel real anymore. I had felt more real and more alive in the past twelve hours than I had in years. The way he had touched me and shown me unhinged love…the way he made love to me multiple times with more passion than I had seen in what felt like a lifetime made my heart so full that it wanted to burst into a million pieces. Of course, my heart was full when my children were with me, but my marriage was inadequate, and that had never been clearer to me. I knew what I wanted now, what my heart and soul desperately ached for now, but I was hopelessly unsure of how to make it my perpetual reality.

Was I merely entertaining a fantasy? Was tearing my family apart worth the risk?

I had poured my fears out to Edward about what Jacob was capable of turning this whole thing into, and as sure as I was taking air into my lungs, I knew he would do it. I knew he could turn this into a circus…and I would be the spectacle.

My stomach dropped to my knees at the thought of my family's disappointment in me when I would decide, once and for all, to end my marriage. I thought of Charlie's impending anger and feelings of betrayal; I thought of Renee's melodramatic breakdown and Alice's possible disappointment. It gripped me like a stone-cold hand. A strangling lump developed in my throat as my thoughts blurred into Edwards face, and the hurt look he had when he assumed I didn't want him in my life.

That looked suffocated me, and I couldn't bear to picture it.

I pushed it away, however the next images that flashed in my head – those of my babies' faces, and how they wouldn't understand if…when…our family separated – brought me to my knees, and I collapsed in a heap on the living room floor. I tried to take some long and deep breaths to calm myself, but my mind was hell-bent on ruining me today. Instead, another face entered my mind. That of the angelic child from my dream…the child I could only conclude was my own subconscious image of the daughter I gave away more than ten years ago. An unrelenting sob ripped through my chest and the air exited my lungs in a rush. I ran my hand through the hair above my forehead and fisted it, gasping as the images weighed me down like lead.

_He didn't even know the truth yet, and I was already planning a delusional future with him that probably would never exist._

It seemed the universe was spitting on me each and every time I tried to tell him. In my convoluted thought process, this was a bad sign, because when I defied the universe and found a way to tell him anyway, it meant that he would more than likely despise the very ground I walked on and never speak to me again. It would kill me, but I knew that eventually it had to happen. This would be a serious conversation that he and I would have to have face-to-face. I could kick myself because I should have fucking told him last night, but I couldn't bring myself to hurt him anymore than he was already hurting with the loss of his patient's baby.

"God, what do I do?" I whispered absently.

I wished that someone could just give me the right answer…but how the hell do you explain to anyone what it's like to be utterly confused, yet know _exactly_ what you want at the same time? I couldn't even begin to form the words to try to explain that to anyone, and I doubted that anyone would understand…not even my best friend…not even my sister.

I felt like I'd never had a more difficult decision to make in my entire life, with one exception – and other than the decision to leave him and not tell _him_ that I was carrying his child – on March eighteenth, nineteen ninety-nine.

_Our daughter was born on the day after St. Patrick's day. That holiday had never since been the same for me. I would celebrate as much as I could with my family and friends, but for the most part, I couldn't get myself to think of anything else but the baby…and how his or her, now confirmed to be a 'her,' life was turning out._

I sat slumped in the middle of the floor for I didn't know how long, contemplating the shit storm that had become my life, when my cell phone started blaring, and I nearly jumped out of my skin. The song was bitter sweet, the one that Edward started off with last night to give me an example of the music he had chosen to play for me, and I considered not answering it so I could continue listening. That was until I noticed Alice's name on the caller ID. I muttered an exasperated "shit" under my breath and answered it.

"Please tell me that you're almost to my apartment, Bella, because I have to leave here in twenty minutes!" she barked in my ear.

"Um…y—yeah Alice. I'm on my way," my voice was shaking heavily with emotion, and it was glaringly obvious that I'd been crying. I cursed myself for it.

"Wait a minute." She paused and I knew what was coming. "Bella? Bella, what's wrong with you? Are you crying?"

"No." My voice shot up several octaves in attempt to reign in the gripping urge I had to just break down again at the sound of my sister's concern.

"Oh no." She sighed. "Okay Bella, what happened?"

"N—nothing," I said too quickly. "I'll see you in a couple minutes." I hung up on her before she sent me into a fucking mental meltdown. I did not want to explain to my twins why Mommy was crying. My brain hurt too much to try and make something up that even a six-year-old would buy. So I left the house, still wearing the clothes I had on yesterday, and feeling like a crumpled mess.

By the time I reached my sister's apartment, I had calmed my nerves enough to feel like facing my children and, oddly enough, had cleared my head using thoughts of the amazing man that left me on my doorstep just a few long moments earlier. I felt much better, that is, until I walked through her door.

"Um, you look like ten kinds of hell." She smirked as her eyes raked over me.

_Oh the little bitch, looking as cute as ever and dressed to the hilt in her black tights, knee-high Michael Kors suede boots, and fitted Burberry mini-dress to go meet with her assistants on some apocalyptic fashion crisis._

"Mommy!" my twins sang in unison, and attached each side of my hips.

"Humph, love you too, sis," I said sardonically before averting my attention to my babies. "Hey you two!" I gave them a squeeze, "How much trouble did you give your _sweet_ Auntie Alice?" I shot her a mocking glare and said, "And thanks a lot. Not all of us can be as fashionable as you twenty-four-seven." She pranced over to us, shaking her head.

"None at all. They were perfect little angels." She bent down to give them each a loving grin. "Now, Auntie Alice has _got_ to run, so go grab all of your stuff."

"Stuff?" I whined at her.

"Oh, it's not that much stuff," she whispered as they turned and bounced off to gather their backpacks. "But it _is_ my job to spoil the shit out of them and then send them home with you." She batted her eyelashes at me and I rolled my eyes. "And, little sis, you know I'm just teasing you. You look beautiful even when your not…" she looked me up and down before nudging me with your bony shoulder. "…clean."

"Fuck off, Alice, I'm tired."

She wrapped her arms around me and gave a squeeze. "I know." She giggled, and then her voice became somber as she grabbed my shoulders and looked me in the eyes. "You okay?" I averted my eyes from her concerned stare.

"I'm fine," I muttered. "Thanks, Al. I just…you know…needed some time." She hugged me again before stepping away, her eyes still trained on me.

"There's something…different about you today, though." Her thin fingers went up to tap lightly on her bottom lip. "You're almost glowing, Bella. Did you have some sort of epiphany last night?" Instantly my face turned fifteen shades of crimson, and the air rushed from my lungs in a huff as I shook my head.

"What? No. Maybe…I just got the rest I needed," I lied through my teeth.

"Uh-huh." She cocked her head to the side and arched an eyebrow. "That's not it. I know you. So, what did you do last night…and why are you blushing?" After several excruciating seconds of silence, her hand suddenly cupped over her mouth as she spoke on her breath. "Oh my God!"

"N—nothing Alice!" I narrowed my eyes and glared at her. The kids came bounding back into the room at that moment, their arms filled with stuffed toys and souvenirs from their evening at the show and obviously, a trip to FAO Schwartz with their flagrant Aunt. I immediately changed the subject.

"Oh, not a lot of stuff, right _Alice?_" She shrugged, but continued to stare at me wide-eyed. I didn't know exactly what she thought she knew, but I _did_ know that she wasn't going to let it go.

"Mommy?"

"What baby?" I forced my eyes away from Alice's trance-like hold and looked down at my little boy, who was also staring at me. His milk chocolate eyes were full of concern.

"Are you feeling better, Mommy?" My breath hitched, and I immediately bent down to him and pulled his little body into a tight embrace.

"Of course, Honey! Mommy is just…fine." I shot a menacing glare at Alice, who furrowed her brow.

"What? I didn't…" she shook her head, and I placed my hand on his cheek, my fingertips on my casted hand skirted under his chin. I kissed his precious little forehead and choked on my words as I muttered, "I love you and your sister so much, my little dude." The emotions I felt just before I left the house were rushing back to me in a violent wave. My children were my world, I couldn't survive without them…but I didn't think I could survive now without Edward in my life either. I was mystified as to how I could do what I wanted…what I _needed_ to do without damaging my beautiful Robby and Kristen.

Robby hugged me tightly around my neck and placed a wet kiss from his puckered little mouth on my cheek, and I struggled to keep the sob in check and buried deep within my chest. My throat hurt from the lump that threatened again. I finally let him go and he bounced off to compare treasures – probably for the millionth time – with his twin sister. I stood up and looked to Alice. Her face had fallen and she looked at me knowingly as she lightly padded toward me and whispered.

"Bella, were you with someone las—"

"_Don't_ Alice," I growled under my breath, too low for my children's ears.

She sighed. "Okay, but my meeting should be over in a couple of hours. I'm coming by afterward, provided Jake's not home yet. You and I _need_ to talk." I shook my head.

"No."

"_I'm coming over._" She raised her eyebrows at me, her tone unwavering. "And I'll bring lunch! My treat." She had raised her musical voice an octave and whirled around to catch the twins, who were rejoicing in the fact that she would make an appearance again today…_dirty fucking trick_, in a quick but tight squeeze before I had the chance to protest again.

"Fine!" I grumbled, "But you're helping me carry all this shit to the car." She giggled sweetly.

"Okay, _cripple_, let's go…I've got to run."

After she helped me, she leaned in my window, her face sober. "Two hours." I didn't respond, only sighed, and a grin split her face. "Okay, see you then! I_ love_ you guys!" Then she danced her way back to her apartment building.

I was screwed.

I knew it.

I was a fool to think that my sister wouldn't have some kind of psychic hold on me, and wouldn't be able to see right through my ridiculous facade. There was no way in godforsaken hell I could hide the 'glow' she apparently saw in me after the unbelievable night I'd had; neither could I hide the emotions that choked me in her presence. They told her without a doubt, that something was going on beyond what she already knew about Renee's revelation to me. I was quiet, consumed by my thoughts and distracted on the way home. I would utter the occasional "Hmm?" every once in a while, when I heard the ever present "Hey Mommy…" but resumed my inner dialogue immediately after, and the kids simply continued to chatter away in the back seat, oblivious to the fact that I was definitely not listening to them.

Instead, I was consumed with a new problem that had now presented itself prematurely in my cluster-fuck of a situation. I was, and always had been, a terrible liar. So how in God's name was I going to continue to keep Alice in the dark if she knew something was up without me so much as uttering a single word? My sister was smart beyond what was good for her, and in tuned to me – as I was her – supernaturally it seemed. Now, I just had to figure out how I was going to tell her…gently tell her what I'd done.

Worse yet was that I couldn't even bring myself to feel guilty about it. That the only thing I felt guilty about was the secret I had kept from Edward all these years and what the inevitable, impending divorce would do to my children.

But _this_ secret…this secret that I swore to myself would remain between Edward and I until we were – well _I_ was – ready to let it out, would soon no longer be between just the two of us. I had to figure all this out in two hours. Most important of all, I had to figure out how to get her to understand my feelings…that this was not just a _fling_ to me…that now my entire life, each breath I took, depended on the existence of Edward and I _together_. I didn't know if I could ever get her to see that, but the situation was about to be shoved down my throat, and I was on a mission.

A mission that would come to pass in two short hours.

XXXX

_***A/N- Well, things could get quite interesting in the chapters to come, so keep reading! Again, a huge thank you to all my faithful readers and reviewers…without you, I wouldn't have a reason to continue writing! You are all so wonderful, and this story is getting some wonderful and positive reviews! Thank you again! Keep reviewing…it makes my world go 'round, as well as Docward's! Mm-Hm, he needs some house calls, ladies! **_


	29. Chapter 27 Set Fire To The Third Bar

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past**

**Chapter 27, "Set Fire to the Third Bar" ~ Snow Patrol**

Edward's POV

_***A/N- Kind of a fun one here…with the exception of Edward's bleeding heart, as always. I felt it necessary to show the dynamic between Edward and his friends, and I hope you find it entertaining. I can't tell you how much fun I had, however, writing it…and Emmett…oh, how I love writing Emmett! I hope he makes you laugh as much as he made me laugh! (ok, I made myself laugh, but you know what I mean!) He will, however, reveal something that will be quite significant in chapters to come. Dun-dun-duuuun! Have to give a shout-out to my hubs, who helped me with some guy stuff and gave his stamp of approval. Special Thanks to my good buddy and beta, Love Of Escapism, who helped me as I struggled with the song choice on this one…love you girl! Thank you to the new addition to my team, Sweetishbubble, who's awesome with the tech stuff! Lots of F-bombs and raunchy dude-stuff in this one, ladies. Song link: **__**.com/watch?v=ANWRhyp-RcM**__** It's Snow Patrol and Martha Wainwright.**_

_**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended and there is no financial gain by myself for this story. All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. All songs are owned by the respective artists, record companies and labels. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and its characters…I do not…as much as I can dream that I do. Docward is mine, but I will share him…if you comment! ;-P**_

XXXX

"_I find the map and draw a straight line,_

_Over rivers, farms and state lines,_

_The distance from 'A' to where you'd be,_

_It's only finger lengths that I see,_

_I touch the place…where I'd find your face,_

_My fingers in creases…of distant dark places,_

_I hang my coat up in the first bar,_

_There is no peace that I've found so far,_

_The laughter penetrates my silence,_

_As drunken men find flaws in silence,_

_Their words mostly noises…ghosts with just voices,_

_Your words in my memory…are like music to me,_

_I'm miles from where you are,_

_I lay down on the cold ground,_

_And I, I pray that something picks me up,_

_And sets me down in your warm arms,_

_After I have traveled so far,_

_We'd set the fire to the third bar,_

_We'd share each other like an island,_

_Until exhausted, closed our eyelids,_

_And dreaming, pick up from…the last place we left off,_

_Your soft skin is weeping…a joy you can't keep in,_

_I'm miles from where you are,_

_I lay down on the cold ground,_

_And I, I pray that something picks me up,_

_And sets me down in your warm arms,_

_I'm miles from where you are,_

_I lay down on the cold ground, _

_And I, I pray that something picks me up,_

_And sets me down in your warm arms."_

XXXX

I received a call on my way home. I grasped wildly at my phone in the passenger seat, silently praying it was Bella. I growled in disappointment when I realized that it was in fact Carlisle, and not Bella. "Hello," I answered tensely, not wanting to talk to him and ruin my halfway decent mood.

"Edward?"

"Um, yes, Carlisle. This would be my cell that you called." I knew I didn't have to be a smug asshole, but I wasn't in the mood for _work_ shit at that moment, and I also knew that was precisely the purpose of the call…it usually was. I loved my father, but I would really hate to find out how often he would call me if we actually worked in the same office together.

"Yeah, I guess you're right," he chuckled.

"What's going on?" I asked dryly.

"Is there a reason, Son, that you're being so short with me?" _Wonderful_. Now he sounded irritated, so I tried to stop being a dick.

"Oh, no Dad, I'm sorry…just a little tired. Not really sleeping all that well," I lied. I had slept like a baby last night, but I knew I would definitely be losing some during the week to come.

"It's alright." He was back to his comforting self. "I just wanted to let you know that the board is meeting on Tuesday morning around ten. Will you be free to attend?"

I was shocked. They usually took at least two weeks to call a meeting, and I wasn't sure if this was good news, or bad. "Uh, I guess, but that was quick. Why?"

"Well, Edward, it's not a difficult case to figure out. They have spoken with both families. No one is blaming you Edward, as I told you before, and they have spoken with your team as well. It's all squared away. You'll really have nothing to worry about except your temper and your mouth, of course."

I scoffed, but I was really just trying to disguise the awe I was feeling and the lump of relief that had swelled in my throat. Carlisle continued, "They hadn't spoken to you as of yet, because I knew how distressed you were, so I advised them to give you a few days to clear your head."

"Ok," I responded softly. "Thanks Dad…but, will you be there?" _Jesus_, I sounded like a frightened little boy needing my father to hold my hand. I certainly did not fucking need Carlisle to be there. _I'm a big boy for Christ's sake_.

"I would, Edward," he started, "but even though I'm on the board, I opted out of this one. In no way do I want anyone thinking you're getting special treatment, or that I persuaded the board to a certain decision because you're my son. Of course that would be an asinine assumption given the facts, but some people assume the worst. You understand?" He seemed unnecessarily apologetic.

"Of course I do, Carlisle. It's no big deal anyway and besides, I'm a grown man, a professional. If anyone were to think otherwise, they can fuck off!" I snapped.

"Edward," he stated his reprimand, and I felt like a ten-year-old suddenly.

"Sorry, Carlisle," I sighed.

"Oh, by the way, you're mom wants to talk to you."

"Fuck," I blurted, because I knew what it was more than likely about, then rephrased quickly. "Oops, sorry. I mean, why does she want to talk to me?" He sighed, either annoyed with my apparent lack of couth regarding my mother, or at the actual reason Esme wanted to speak with me.

"Because she's your mother, Edward," he spoke sardonically this time. The reason for his annoyance was now evident- me. "And because she cares for you deeply, and is worried about you."

Now _I_ was the one who was annoyed as I irreverently snapped back at him, "Well I wonder whose fault that might be. You didn't have to tell her did you?"

"Oh for God's sake, Edward! I'm not the only person on the planet who speaks to her! I didn't get a chance to before…and I've already heard it from your mother!"

"Well, you should be the only one who knows! Who did you tell?" Then realization struck me. "Rosalie? Carlisle, why would you—"

"Edward, she called me and was concerned about you, and…well, what did you expect me to—"

"Make something up! _Jesus_, Carlisle! She's not _concerned_ about me! And you don't have to be so fucking righteous every day of your life!" My face was getting red, I could feel it, and I should've known Carlisle would divulge information to whomever _appeared_ to give two shits about me. It wasn't in the man's DNA to tell a lie. I was perplexed with one thing, however, and that was how the nosy bitch would have heard anything about it, if she's the one who called Carlisle supposedly concerned about it.

"First of all, Edward," he interrupted my thoughts, "yes I do. I'm a doctor, as are you…and we should always be that way, _righteous_, everyday."

"Fine, Carlisle," I rolled my eyes, "but Rosalie is an exception, and I shouldn't have to remind you that she is a nosy bitch! She—"

"That's a _terrible_ thing to say, Son. She is the mother of your child, Edward, and you should at least respect her for that."

"Damn it, Carlisle, I'm aware of that…and I _do_, but the fact that she bore my child didn't necessarily make her a better person! There are reasons I'm no longer with her, and good ones! Besides that, how the hell would she have known, or heard…" Then I figured it out. "Oh, you have got to be _shitting_ me!"

"What?" Carlisle asked, confused by my outward thinking.

"James! That fucking son-of-a— oh, I swear to _God_, he's like a stalker! I can't do anything without him being right there…and he fucking tells her everything! Motherfu— someone needs to put a muzzle on that piece of sh— oh! He's going to catch me on the wrong fucking day!" I huffed, my neck was blazing from my rising blood pressure and I was seeing a haze of red through my vision.

"Well, I'm pretty sure he already did, Edward, and you better watch yourself. Good Lord! Stop acting like a child! It's not like he's out to get you or anything. He _does_ have a big mouth, however…and what are you talking about? He talks to Rosalie?"

I wasn't interested in gossiping to him about James. I was overcome by my fury, and continued to rant. "Apparently, I'm the only one who sees him for what he _is_…and _he_ knows that _I_ know he's a creepy asshole…_and_ that no one else will do anything about it- obviously, so he rubs it in my face, Carlisle!" I chuckled ominously, "Talks to Rosalie. _Humph_! She thinks she's using him to get info about me, when in actuality, he knows she's not smart enough to figure out that _he's_ actually using _her_ to piss me off!"

"Oh, Edward," Carlisle stated in his concerned 'he's gone crazy' voice. "Son, maybe you should think about anger-management."

This only fueled my fucking tantrum. "Whatever, Carlisle! Ugh! I'll call Esme tonight!"

"Actually," he started, now sounding a bit amused and condescending, "she's bringing you dinner tonight. Please relax. I'd rather you not show this side of you to your mother."

_Perfect. Just…perfect. _"Ugh!" I growled again. "So now, I'm just too broken and insanely _angry_ to make dinner for myself, huh?" I was being a complete narcissistic asshole, and I knew it. He was right, though; Esme didn't deserve my rancid attitude, so I would have to fucking chill out before she arrived. I heard him sigh, and could picture him rubbing his temples. "Alright then," I tried to clear the petulance from my voice. "What time is she coming?"

"Six," he answered shortly.

"Well, I'm going to the market. Tell her if she needs anything, I'd be happy to pick it up for her."

I apologized to my father _again_, pulled out of the parking lot of my apartment- that I'd arrived at a few minutes prior- and headed toward the supermarket. I'd been needing groceries anyway, and thoughts of Bella inspecting my pantry and fridge reminded me of this. That, at least, made me smile again as I thought of her playfully scolding me on my '_lack of representation of the important food groups,'_ as she had so sarcastically put it.

XXXX

At the market, I picked up the essentials, various blends of seasoning, and random meals to last the week. I decided that- to thank Esme for pretty much being the fucking best mother on the planet- I would make some dessert. For some reason, I gravitated toward the fruit aisle, and directly over to the strawberries. I wonder why. My fucking face actually flushed as I looked at them and imagined everything I could do to Bella with them. "Fuck," I whispered inaudibly, and shook it off, turning my back to the godforsaken strawberries, and trying to put them out of my mind. I noticed the apples near and made up my mind. _Apples_, I told myself, _not sexy at all. I'll make apple cobbler._ It was one of Esme's favorites anyway, other than strawberry shortcake- which was definitely not happening for obvious reasons- and I knew how to make it. She and I both liked it warmed up with ice cream. Delicious, and definitely the opposite of sexy. I made a mental note, _I must never make apple cobbler for Bella._

Finally, I was home; the groceries were put away, apartment straightened and presentable for my mother, and the post-coital aroma- which pleasantly greeted me when I walked through the door- had dissipated all but completely with the air fresheners I'd placed strategically throughout. That was bitter sweet for me. I was just getting my decent mood back; however, the shower I took was difficult for me. Besides the obvious memory it conjured up- which nearly caused me physical pain at the thought of our activities, and the want that ensued- I regrettably removed all traces of Bella's scent from my body. The only solution to this, in my mind, was to find a way to have her again…and soon. I occupied my mind, fantasizing about all the little nooks and crannies hidden around the hospital, where she and I had decided to meet again in less than a week, and the things I could do to her in those confined spaces. My head was swimming with ideas, and I grinned to myself wickedly in anticipation of it.

When I heard the familiar sound of an obnoxious horn out in the parking lot, I was instantly annoyed. I sauntered to the window to see what asshole- I assumed teenager- was laying on his horn, and realized that this was no teenager being a dick. It was, in fact, Emmett. Being the insufferable dick that he was, he took up two parking spots, trying to draw attention to his four-wheel-drive _baby_. He always did this, because _heaven forbid_ anyone door-ding his precious Hummer. Realization swept over me, and I muttered a quiet "fuck" to myself. My preoccupied mind had forgotten all about the plans we had made- the guys and I- two weeks prior, when we had decided to convene for the Bears game tonight. I flipped on the TV, and changed the channel from jazz music to ESPN. I smirked as I recalled the strawberry syrup escapade that had taken place just prior to my turning the jazz music on that Bella and I had listened to last night.

Glancing out the window again, I observed Em and Jasper each pulling two enormous coolers out of the back of the Hummer, and breathed a sigh of relief. I'd only gotten enough Heineken's for myself, so I was pleased to see that they had remembered the BYOB rule I was forced to impose. It was necessary given Emmett's ability to down gallons of alcohol in a single night's time. We normally tried to make this a weekly get-together- complete with football and beer- especially since Rose and I were no longer together. Last weekend was the exception, however. With my having Kellan, I opted out. Emmett's beer-guzzling talent was no sight for my young son's eyes, nor were the primal outbursts of this group of men watching the game together.

In all actuality, I was glad that they were here. Hopefully, they could unwittingly keep my mind off of the debauchery that was Rose and James, as well as keep me from pining over Bella all night. I grimaced when I heard the loud banging coming from the front door, which was- no doubt- a result of Emmett slamming his foot against it repeatedly because his arms were two busy holding a giant cooler with enough Bud Light to get an army plastered. That motherfucker was going to crack my door one of these days kicking it like that and I just might have to put another crack in his ass for it. Obviously, Jasper was still drowning in his sorrows over Ashley based on the size of the cooler _he'd_ brought along. I was interested to see what was in side of it, as he usually only carried a bottle of bourbon or whiskey. However, he was known to have the occasional _frou-frou_ drink as well.

"Dude! Open the fucking door!" I heard Emmett yell through the door. "I'm holding precious cargo!" To which he then guffawed at himself. This amused me, and just to piss him off a little, I walked slower than normal to greet them.

"Keep your fucking panties on, Emmett!" I hollered back, dragging my feet deliberately. When I finally opened it, he huffed at me.

"Christ, Edwina! What the fuck were you doing…waxing your bikini line?" He hurried past me into the kitchen as I rolled my eyes and snorted. Jasper meandered past me and nodded in my direction, half smiling/half grimacing with the heavy load he was also carrying.

"Doc," he muttered.

"Jazz," I nodded back and watched him follow Em's lead into the kitchen. The coolers were then sat down on the hard wood with a heavy thud, and Emmett immediately opened his, pulled out a bottle, and twisted the lid off. He tipped it up and downed it…all of it…in about twenty seconds flat, then belched- for about the same length of time.

I shook my head when he looked at me smiling and said, "_Scuse_ me."

"You're a nasty motherfucker," I teased.

"Oh shit!" he muttered and hurried out the front door, shouting behind him. "I forgot the best part!" He reappeared several seconds later carrying a huge bag with the words "Yak-Zies…The Original" on the outside. Buffalo chicken wings. My stomach rumbled immediately and my mouth watered. "Did you get _Tang-Z-Q_?" I asked with wide eyes, and smacked my lips.

"Of course, I did! For you and the other puss that can't _handle_ the hot shit!" He rolled his eyes and set the bag on the table.

"Thanks, Em…but, uh, fuck you!" I smirked and grabbed the box of the best tasting barbeque chicken wings around, popped one in my mouth and licked the dripping sauce off my fingers. He stretched the fucking truth. I could _handle_ the fucking hot wings…I just preferred the barbequed ones…and so did Jazz, who was at my back in seconds ready to fight me for the box.

"Christ, ladies, chill out. There are two boxes of pansy-wings." Emmett chuckled to himself.

Jasper and I collectively turned to Emmett and muttered, in unison- and with our mouths full- a muffled, "Fuck off Emmett."

Emmett, on the other hand, had pried open the box of his "Oh My Gosh" flavored hot wings and popped a couple in his mouth at the same time. "Woo!" He yelled- mouth full of course. "That shit is h-o-t! Just like me!" I nearly choked on the food in my mouth.

After we'd devoured nearly the entire mountain of buffalo wings without so much as another word to one another, we stood around reveling in the delectable aftertaste. I grabbed a Heineken and watched as Emmett licked both of his hands like a fucking dog.

He noticed my gawking at his disgusting display, and smirked, "What's up, Dickwad?

I smirked back, "Not much, Douche, what's going on with you?" He smiled, then bounded over to me and trapped me in one of his famous 'Emmett bear-hugs.' This was why he was one of my best friends…a total buffoon, but he had the biggest heart of anyone I knew.

"Ahh," he said, amused. "Just ready to hang with my brothers tonight." I turned to Jasper, who was shaking his head at our display.

"What's going on, Jazz-man? Whatcha got in your cooler there?"

"Alcohol," he retorted in his smooth southern drawl, "lots and lots of alcohol."

"Aww, come on Jazz," Emmett chimed in and hooked his arm around Jasper's neck, then looked at me and puckered his bottom lip mockingly. "He's still licking his wounds from…" He rolled his eyes dramatically, raising his voice in an ill-attempted, hideous _he-she_ sounding voice, "Ash-ley."

Jasper wriggled his way out of Emmett's grasp and glared at him. "Fuck off, man! I loved her…not that _you_ would know anything about that!" He said, pouting.

Emmett cocked his head to the side looking baffled, then directed his attention to me once again. "Oh, give me a fucking break! Edwina," he sighed, "would you _please_ talk some sense into _Romeo_ here, before I vomit and waste the good beer I just fucking consumed!"

I threw my hands in the air as I opened the fridge and pulled out a Heineken. "Don't look at me," I chortled. "I am definitely not one to give advice in matters of the heart. Although…Em, maybe Jazz is right, ya know? Maybe we should…I don't know…find the right girl…" I shrugged, trying to play it off as if I wasn't serious as a fucking heart attack. I continued, "…settle down…" Then I raised my eyebrows at him and grinned. "You know, we're not getting any younger, Em, especially you!" Emmett was a year older than Jasper and I, and as soon as he hit thirty before me, I never let him forget it. _Oh yes, men do that shit too._

"Oh no…what?" He'd already grabbed another beer and had it tipped up, but stopped abruptly- mid gulp- to look at me, wide-eyed and horrified. "Oh my God, you two are such fucking pansies! Not matters of the _heart_, Edwina, Jesus! Whitlock needs to get fucking laid, not fall in love again! Good God!" He shook his head, disgust and disappointment flowing from him…as if his two best friends had just told him they'd cut off their own balls. Really, it screamed _commitment issues_, and now he was just being dramatic for show. "And what the fuck are you talking about? Aren't you the sexy _bachelor_ doctor? You just got out of a ridiculously long and sad relationship!" He was enunciating his words as if I didn't understand his basic, very basic, thought process. "You need to use those powers, my brother, to fuck endlessly. I mean…you have it _made_, Dude! You have chicks spreading their legs for you left and right!" He finished his second beer in fifteen minutes as I laughed aloud at the fact that he thought he was making an intelligent analogy.

"Emmett, you fucking scare me," I said sardonically, and took a drink. "They _have_ to spread their legs for me, Emmett. I'm a fucking gynecologist! I could get arrested for what you're suggesting, you moron!" Jasper threw his head back, bellowing with laughter, and Emmett furrowed his brow, annoyed.

"Whatever, Fuck-wad." Then he quirked an eyebrow at me, "Rosalie called you all the time wanting to get some…and give some, and you wouldn't do it." He chuckled under his breath, "You could've been fucking her this whole time, even though you didn't want to live with her- and that's a pretty hot piece of ass- if you weren't such a masochist."

Jasper looked at me with shock in his eyes, apparently waiting for me to jump Emmett for such a comment about Rosalie, but seriously…I could give two shits. Instead, I just shrugged and chuckled. "Hey, if you want some of that, Em, be my fucking guest. But don't come crying to me when you're dick rots off from sticking it in her acidic pussy!"

Jasper howled with laughter and choked out his words as I slapped Emmett square in the back. "Oh my God, Man! That's so fucking gross!"

Emmett quickly retorted with sarcasm, "Pfft! Well at least my fucking cock would be seeing the inside of a pussy before it fell off. That's more than I could say for yours, Fucker!" He smirked, proud of himself.

I just smiled at him and remarked, "Oh, I'm doing ok Bro. Don't you worry." Bad move on my part, because suddenly they both refused to shut the fuck up…wanting to know who I was fucking, and if she was a sexy, smoking hot nurse. I wasn't about to tell them any-fucking-thing, so I kept it mysterious, which basically meant that I told them nothing.

Suddenly, Emmett- being the dickhead that he is most of the time- sniffed the air. _He sniffed it!_ "Emmett, what are you—" I started to ask, aggravated, but he held his hand up to stop me.

"Dude," he said, excitement in his voice, "it smells like…_sex_ in this apartment!"

"What?" I spat, suddenly panicked because I thought I'd covered it up, and because my mother was coming over later. _Oh, don't mind the smell, Mom, that's just from me having amazing sex repeatedly last night with a married woman. Shit!_ "Holy shit, Edwina! I thought I smelled something different when I walked in here!"

Jasper was looking at him full of confusion, as was I, and asked quizzically, "Good Lord, Emmett. What are you, a fucking bloodhound? I don't smell a thing, except your beer-breath." _Thank God,_ I thought, and hoped that maybe Emmett was just fucking with me. He ignored Jazz completely, and continued with his bantering.

"That means…" he shoved past Jasper to get closer to me, "you had mystery girl here…recently." I was now scowling at him as he sniffed the air again. "Strawberries," he grinned. My mouth fell open. _Are you fucking kidding me?_ "Oh my God, Dude!" He was now laughing hysterically, and shoved me in the shoulder.

"Emmett, what the fuck?" I growled. _How could he possibly smell…_

"You fucked her with strawberries? Oh..." he shook his head, beaming at me like a proud father, "you _are_ the romantic, sexy, mother-fucking doctor of LOVE!" he shouted.

I ran my hands through my hair and sighed, exacerbated by his relentlessness, and feeling defeated. "It was strawberry syrup, if you must _fucking_ know, and…"

"Oh _God!_ That's even better!" his howling interrupted me. Both he and Jasper were now doubled over, hysterical tears of laughter spilling from their eyes.

"Fuck you both," I hissed through my teeth. "I hate you bastards." Then I grabbed another beer, twisted it open, and chugged it until it was gone. _Fuck me. Emmett's a fucking freak of nature_.

_He really was a freak of nature. Right after high school, Emmett joined the Army, and it wasn't long before he sailed right through boot camp and went into a specialty because of his exemplary physical and mental abilities. Emmett may have acted like a total Neanderthal, but he was highly intelligent. This is where he met Jasper- who also joined right out of highschool- a year later. Jasper's skills more or less matched Em's, and they both went on to become members of the Green Berets. They did their duty mainly in Afghanistan. Neither one of them talk much about what went on over there, but I do know that they were involved in some sort of intelligence ops and that Emmett had command of the unit. In the field, he learned to use his senses above and beyond what normal human beings are capable of. Another bit of information I was privileged to was that this particular trait of Emmett's saved his unit's lives more than a few times. Therefore, he did have the nose of a fucking bloodhound, and I should've known that he would be able to 'tap into' my previous nights activities. Not only that, but he- more or less- was a human lie detector, and because of his previous military rankings, could virtually find out anything about anyone at anytime. Being a friend of his, this was a blessing…and a curse. If one were to ask me, he abused this privilege a little too much…and he was a gossip, do the math on that one. I knew way too fucking much information than I wanted to about most people. Why he never became a cop after his stint in the Army was completely beyond me. He'd be the best they'd ever seen. Jasper's rank wasn't that much less than Em's, but he preferred to allow people their privacy. Thank goodness for that. I only needed one nosy ass, bloodhound nose having, human lie-detector motherfucker for a friend. _

"So who is it, Doctor Love?" Of course he wouldn't shut the fuck up about it. Why would I have expected that?

"Yeah Doc, spill it." Oh, now Jasper was jumping on the asshole bandwagon.

"Nobody," I muttered dryly.

"Wait!" Emmett exclaimed suddenly, then looked at Jazz and raised his eyebrows. "Who did he spend _all_ night with last weekend?" He grinned sarcastically at me, and I glared.

"Oh, _please_ Emmett…that's ridiculous…" I started to dispute, but was cut off by Jasper.

"No way," Jazz said, shaking his head.

"And you," Emmett pointed his index finger at me circling it in the air, "were pissed the other night when I called to tell you about Jake." Then he slapped his palm against his forehead. "Which, by the way, I've got some new shit to tell you, Dude!"

I shook my head, glaring, and spoke through clenched teeth. "I'm…not…interested."

"Oh, I think you'll want to hear about it, my friend." A wide grin split his face. "Anyway, you didn't want to hear anything about Jake's shenanigans with that stripper last weekend. Matter of fact, it pissed you off when I mentioned his name, yes?" I didn't respond, but he was one hundred percent right. Just the thought of that sent me into fucking orbit again. Not that I would play his little game and admit to a damned thing right now. "Edwina," he continued his bantering, "am I correct that you wanted to hear nothing about it?" He was wiggling his eyebrows at me, chomping at the bit for my response, so I gave him as little as possible.

"So?" I replied, still glaring, "And I wasn't pissed, fuck-tard, I had my _kid_ with me. I was busy!"

"Mm-hmm," he smirked and looked at Jazz. "He was P-I-S-S-E-D." Jasper snorted, and then cleared his throat quickly.

"You know what, Emmett," I snarled, "you're fucking head chief of the _idiot_ brigade." My nostrils were now flaring, and I could feel the heat rising on my neck.

"Hey man," he said nonchalantly, and took a swig of this beer. "I don't give a shit. Jake's dumb ass doesn't deserve her…you're in _love_ with her still- even if you can't admit that to yourself. Dude, it's obvious, so might as well go for it."

"Emmett! Shut the hell up!" Jasper shoved him, and I clenched my fists as I turned toward the fridge away from him. "I hate you and your keen mother-fucking senses," I mumbled inaudibly under my breath.

"What?" I heard Em say innocently, trying to pretend he wasn't intentionally pushing my buttons. "Hey Edward." I cocked my head and glared at him from the side. "So did Bella enjoy the strawberry syrup?" He was grinning from ear to fucking ear.

"Fuck you," I stated, as I grabbed another beer and slammed the refrigerator door shut, the items inside rattling violently on impact.

"Emmett. Dude, leave him alone." Jasper warned him, a hint of amusement in his voice. I continued to glare.

"What?" Emmett shrugged and looked over at Jazz, then back to me. "What did I say?"

I snorted humorlessly, and rolled my eyes. His favorite pastime it seemed, was pushing my buttons, and then pretending to have no idea why I was pissed off. The innocent expression quickly dissipated; replaced by a mischievous smirk…the sides of his mouth began to curl upward into a wicked grin. "So did she?" He raised his eyebrows at me.

"Emmett, I swear to _Christ_!" I hissed and clenched my teeth, shaking my head. This seemed only to amuse him more, and he continued to grin at me- like the fucking Cheshire cat- wiggling his eyebrows again. He knew me better than to think he was going to get any information out of me, but if he wanted a face-off, he would get one. I was about two seconds away from punching my best friend in the mouth if he didn't stop running it. "It might be in your best interest," I spoke through my still clenched teeth, "to drop the subject."

"Oh come on, Edward," Emmett scoffed. "You know you're going to give it up to me sometime. I'm very persuasive," he chuckled, and guzzled the rest of his beer.

"I highly doubt it," I scoffed back. "Maybe if you were getting some pussy you wouldn't have to worry so much about who _my_ dick has been in." He glared. _Got him_, I laughed to myself. Let's just say he knew as well as I did, that he was a lot of talk, but very little action.

"Alright infants," Jasper intercepted. "Come on now, kiss and make up would ya? We're missing the pre-game show." Emmett and I continued our stare-down for another couple of minutes until we heard ice clattering and water sloshing…and turned to see Jasper pulling an enormous bottle out of his cooler. Margaritas. Emmett and I collectively, sardonically questioned him.

"Margaritas?"

Jasper looked at us with annoyance, and then huffed. "Yeah, what about it?"

Emmett and I looked at one another again, all traces of animosity gone. We both snorted. "Jazz, seriously?" I asked, and Emmett of course efficiently chimed in. "Dude, that's what my _mom_ drinks."

"So?" Jasper hissed.

"So, it's a _girl_ drink, Jazz. Are you a girl?" Emmett wrinkled his nose in mock disgust. Oh yes, he had a gift…the gift of pissing off everyone in the room at one point or another. Although, I would have to admit that riding Jazz about his indulgence in drinks of the _frou-frou_ variety was always a pleasure.

Jasper rolled his eyes, "Shut the hell up, Emmett. You're such a tool!" Then he turned to me, "Hey, I need a glass, man."

I opened the cabinet and pulled one out for him as Emmett innocently asked once again, "What? What the fuck did I say?" Jasper and I both simply shook our heads and laughed.

"Hey, you want some?" Jasper offered the bottle to me.

I grinned and shook my head. "Nah, man, I'm good here with my _manly_ beer," I replied derisively.

"Whatever," Jazz retorted, again annoyed. "Not my fault y'all don't have good taste in alcohol."

"Pfft, ok!" I sneered, "Just make sure you hold your pinky finger up when you drink that, Jazz."

"_So, the Bears are facing off with the Packers tonight…"_ We heard the familiar voices from the TV. _"Some folks, well, most are betting on the Packers. That would make the Bears the underdogs, and they'll have to fight for survival this season."_

"Come on, pansies!" Emmett yelled, "We're missing it…thanks to you!" Then he snorted.

"Oh _right_, Em." I rolled my eyes.

We scattered ourselves across the sofa in front of my big screen, beers…and margarita in hand, and began our ritualistic male bonding.

"_Ok, time to choose,"_ the commentator continued. _"Keyshawn, what's your take on it?"_

"Oh _Christ_!" Emmett boomed, "Don't ask HIM!"

"_Well, I think majority wins here. Based on their pre-season performance against Greenbay, Chicago has a lot of work to do to show that they're the kind of team that can make plays and move the ball down the field."_

"Oh, give me a fucking break!" It was Emmett again, of course, and I'm fairly certain that he actually believed he could be heard through the TV screen. "Screw that _douche_! Ask Mike, why don't you!" He blurted. The commentary continued, amazingly not phased by Emmett's outbursts. I was amused by the way he said 'Mike'…as if he and Mike Ditka had been pals for ages.

"_Well there you have it. Mike? Do you have a different opinion?" _

"_You bet I do, Chris…"_

"Fucking _thank you_!" Emmett threw his hands in the air as if victory was already ours.

"Emmett," Jasper sighed. "Seriously man, are you going to do this the whole time?"

I chuckled at the visual of Jazz- the southern gentleman- shaking his head, brow furrowed in frustration at Emmett's lack of class. It always was entertaining to sit back and watch the train wreck that was Emmett and Jasper- and me too, I suppose- watching football together. Emmett, of course, was always the Neanderthal, but Jazz…even more comic relief, because of how irritated he became.

"Oh my God, Dude…fuck! Is your thong too tight or something?" Emmett looked at him in disgust as Jazz sipped his margarita and shook his head. "Jazz. We are _guys _watching a football game, and drinking beer! Well, _some_ of us are drinking beer." He clanked his bottle against mine and winked. "Now, finish your little _frou-frou_ drink and stop being a puss, so we can enjoy the beat-down the Cheese-heads are about to receive." He raised his eyebrows at Jazz, who looked at me with a straight face but flared his nostrils…and I nearly spit my bear out as I burst into laughter. Emmett proceeded to cheer and _woo-hoo _as Mike Ditka explained in his professional opinion, how the Bears had shown much improvement, and as long as Jay Cutler- the quarterback- got the ball into the hands of the receivers…as well as Matt Forte- the running back- they would have a good chance at a win tonight.

As the game went on, I found myself drifting into thoughts of Bella. I felt like I was a million miles away from her tonight, however, and it was killing me. I was a million miles from her, but compelled to find her again. It was as if I was on some endless highway, and that the guys' voices were just mindless, drunken clatter from a bar I might have stopped in on my journey to find her. _Ridiculous,_ I scoffed at my own melodramatics; _I'll see her on Friday._ I couldn't help but remember the indescribable events of the night before. I didn't necessarily welcome these particular thoughts, as my dick was sure to react, and I definitely did not need to give the guys, namely Emmett, more ammunition to embarrass the fuck out of me.

I was actually jolted from my erotic thoughts quite often by Em's outbursts of "Come on…YES!" as he and Jasper would launch themselves off the sofa. Then I'd have to jump up as well, pretending- as Em would shove me and ask, "Did you see that shit?"- that I actually _did_ see the touch-down that I had not seen at all. Still, I couldn't seem to snap out of it, and would find my mind drifting again. The word 'penetration'- which seemed to be the announcers' favorite word- clearly didn't help. I'd have to bite my fucking lip and shift subtly as possible to keep from having to excuse myself. Then again, I was continuously jolted from _erotica-a-la-Bella_ by Emmett's obnoxious spasms of "Sack his _ass_! Sack him! I want to see Aaron Rodgers crying for his fucking mommy _to-night_!" This was usually followed by the always ear shattering, "Fuck you, Ref! Boo! Bad fucking call, Ref!" as he would elbow me and state- perplexed- "Can you believe this fucking shit?" and then go right back to his verbal assault of the television.

High-fives were tossed between the three of us as Olsen, one of the badass receivers, scored another Bears touchdown. Emmett's yelling followed this- again, as if he could be heard by the players- "Just put the ball through the yellow poles, Gould! That's all you have to fucking do!" We all then cheered like maniacs as the ball sailed smoothly through the goal posts, and Em jumped up to grab another round of beers, pointing at Jasper and announcing that _he_ would be pouring his _own_ frou-frou drink. As he was pulling a Heineken out of the fridge for me, a commercial came on for some new fucking strawberry delight desert from Dairy Queen or some other bullshit place, and Emmett took full advantage.

"Hey Edwina!" When I looked toward him, I noticed that the fucker had the strawberry syrup out…and was pretending to squirt it all over his body, moving his hips around and wagging his tongue- like the douche-bag that he is. I fucking glared. "Oh _Edward_," it was the he-she voice again. "Would you come lick this off of my sexy body? I can pretend to be…" and he threw his head back, moaning. _Motherfucker._ "…Bella!" He burst into laughter, "I just need a long brunette wig!"

"Jesus, Emmett," I said in disgust. "How can anyone love you?" My voice was dripping with acid.

He grinned and winked at me, "Your Momma loves me."

I smirked, and retorted, "Uh, Emmett, my _Momma_ loves everyone. Don't flatter yourself." I loved pulling his chain. My mother might as well have been his too. His father left when we were just kids, and unfortunately, his mother's new love became a wine bottle…and margaritas, according to Em. Needless to say, he spent a lot of time at my house. My parents sort of took him in, and we really do treat each other just the way brothers do. Except in our case…it was more so the "big" brother that was the annoying one.

"Hey, speaking of Bella…" he began again, determined to push me to the breaking point tonight, and I snarled.

"Enough Emmett, fuck!"

"No, listen Dickwad, I'm not asking about her! What's that cute, sexy-ass sister of hers…Alice…up to these days? She still with that one dude, Jackson?" Jasper immediately snapped his head in my direction and asked, a little too hastily, "Yeah, is she?"

I tried to control my smirk as I told them what Bella had mentioned at the bar the weekend before. "Oh, that's right. Bella mentioned something about it…said we should hook you two up." I pointed to Jazz, who turned bright crimson before clearing his throat and tried to play it off by shrugging his shoulders.

"Yeah man…whatever."

"What the fuck?" Emmett spat and threw his hands in the air. "What about me?"

I chuckled as I answered him, "Like I said McCarty, you're a hard one to love, except for a saint like my mom. She, by the way, is coming over later, so…"

Emmett interrupted me by throwing his head back and letting out a groan, "Ahhh, MILF!"

_I'm going to fucking kill him one day, I swear to God._ "Emmett!" I growled, "You sick bastard! She might as well be your mother too. Keep your fucking hands off my mom or I swear, you'll be driving home with nubs!" He came back with some smart-ass remark that I purposefully ignored, and we resumed our game watching, beer- and margarita- guzzling…_and_ Em and Jazz devoured two bags of chips. Fucking mooches, but I didn't bitch since I did happen to devour a box of buffalo wings that Emmett so graciously bought.

Sometime during the rest of the game, a local commercial came on and it struck a nerve. It was a commercial for the club that was now very significant to me…Moonstruck. I struggled to keep my facial expression guarded as I listened to them advertising an open mic night sometime in the next month or so, and was taken aback by Emmett suddenly punching me in the shoulder. "OW, Emmett…_fuck!_" I grimaced in his direction, and he looked proud of himself. _Dickhead_. "What?" I spat, as I took in the sparkle in his eyes and raised eyebrows.

"Did you hear that?" He asked, excited.

"Which part?" I asked, rubbing my shoulder.

"They're having _open mic_ night starting in December at Moonstruck!"

"So?" I retorted, not sure I was liking where this was going.

"So…we should get the band together again, and play at the club!" He shook his head at me as if I was an idiot for not coming up with the idea.

"Emmett, I don't think—" I began to protest, when Jasper interrupted with equally as much excitement as Emmett was displaying.

"It _has_ been a long time, Edward, and…" his eyes shifted to the corner of the room and he nodded, "it looks like you've been playing again. Let's do it, Man!" He had nodded in the direction of my guitar, which I obviously had forgotten to put away again. _Fuck. Why do I continue to get myself in these situations?_

"Why not, Edwina? Come on, don't be a chicken Dude! _Bawk…bawk..bagawwwwk!"_ Emmett started strutting around, his hands tucked under his armpits. I laughed at his absurd display, but quickly sobered my expression and said, "No." He sighed, plopping down next to me on the sofa, suddenly very serious, and this took me completely off guard. "Listen, Bro. You know how much I love you, right?" I nodded, suspicious, and he continued. "Alright, well, I told you earlier how I had to tell you some shit about Jake, right?"

I clenched my teeth, and spoke through them in a controlled, mechanical voice. "Yes Emmett, and I told _you_ that I was _not_ interested."

"Goddamn it, Edward!" He growled, "Just fucking _listen_ to me for a second! You need to hear about this…and you might change your mind about the band thing. Remember how much Bella loved to see us…_you_…play?"

"Emmett!" I hissed through my still clenched teeth. Jasper was quiet, but eyeing the both of us, on guard.

"Shut the fuck up, Edward!" He was almost nose-to-nose with me, searching my eyes for the slightest flinch or change…waiting for my stubbornness to wane. Human mother-fucking lie detector. It was completely unnecessary; he already knew how I felt about her from the moment he mentioned her name tonight. "The sooner you admit it to yourself, the sooner you pull the fucking corncob out of your _ass_, and stop being a prick every time her name is mentioned, the sooner _everyone_ can be happy again!"

"_I _can't! I can't, Emmett. Can't you _see _that?" I snarled at him. "I admit it and what? What the _fuck_ good does that do, huh? Suddenly she won't be married anymore? _Wrong_! No, Emmett, it will do no good, and no, Emmett, I _can't_ admit it and be happy!"

"Dude, I'm fucking _telling_ you that it's possible, now just _listen_ to me!" I set my mouth in a hard line but allowed him to talk because I knew he would never shut up until I at least heard him out. Emmett was more stubborn than Bella could ever even think of being. "So, Jake went to Vegas for some parts conference, right?" It wasn't a question, but I nodded once, my nostrils flaring. He narrowed his eyes slightly and gave me a knowing glance. "I figured you already knew that part," he smirked, and I sighed, glaring. "Well, that was bullshit. There was no conference. He was meeting with a new client, some big-shot parts buyer from Seattle. Guy named Riley Biers." I sat back against the sofa, eyeing him. I wasn't surprised there was no conference, but I was shocked that he was actually there on business. I was also mystified as hell, wondering what this had to do with me, and Bella for that matter.

"I don't see how this is supposed to be making me feel _better_, Emmett. So what? He wasn't fucking around on her? Wonderful. _That_ is supposed to make me want to break up her fucking marriage? Who the hell is Riley Biers and why the hell do I _care_ who he is? How the fuck is he significant to Bella or to me?" I was now rambling, but didn't care. I was annoyed that Emmett would actually think I wanted to hear any of this shit. I continued talking angrily out of my ass. "_He's so fucking perfect…" _I was more or less thinking out loud at this point, "then why did she hear another chick's voice in his _room_ while she was on the phone with him yesterday…"

Jasper spewed his mouthful of margarita halfway across the room, and Emmett's face nearly split in half by the wide smile that spread across it. "Fuck." I muttered instantly, throwing myself back onto the sofa pillows and groaning.

Emmett slapped me on the knee and chuckled, "Brother, there are a lot of strippers in Vegas. You know how Jake likes the pole-dancers. I wouldn't put it past him." He placed his thumb and forefinger on his chin and cocked his head to the side. "Speaking of which, you might not know Riley Biers, but it seems that it's a small, small world. See, he has a cousin that you used to know very well." I furrowed my brow, confused as to what the hell he was talking about. "An old friend of yours, Edward," he continued with raised eyebrows, "Victoria Sutherland."

XXXX

_***A/N- Gee, I wonder what Victoria may have to do with all this. Do you think Jake is up to something…maybe. The next chap is more or less a continuation of this one. It was one super long one, and I split it up. Aren't the guys fun? I'm dying for your comments…and so is Docward! Thanks to my dedicated readers and commenters/reviewers! The story is now being posted on Twilighted! I'm ecstatic about it! I hope you all check it out over there with my banner. My penname is 'RobsMyEdibleArt' on Twilighted, just so you know! Chapter 28 coming right up!**_


	30. Chapter 28 No One's Gonna Love You

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past**

**Chapter 28, "No One's Gonna Love You" ~ Band of Horses**

EPOV continued

_***A/N- This chapter is basically just a continuation of chapter 27. Originally, I had one super huge chapter, but after thinking about it and getting some advice on it, I decided to split it. **_

_**As always, huge thanks to my fabulous betas, Love of Escapism, and my new buddy, Sweetishbubble…still lots of love going out to my preggers beta, THEsnapcrakklepop, until she can come back to me. *sniff* **_

_**A sort-of diabolical plan is unfolding…Rosalie's at it again…and James, oh James is just foul! A couple of my favorite Eclipse quotes in this one. See if you can tell what they are! Enjoy! **_

_**Song Link: No One's Gonna Love you: http:/ /www (.) youtube (.) com/watch?v=fBiuQlW9tR4 **_

_**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and its characters…I do not. I should mention that SM also happens to own ME as well…much to the disliking of my husband! This story is mine, so please no copy-cats!**_

XXXX

"_It's looking like a limb torn off…Or altogether just taken apart,_

_We're reeling through and endless fall…we are,_

_The ever-living ghost of what once was,_

_But no one…is ever gonna love you more than I do,_

_No one's gonna love you more than I do,_

_And anything to make you smile…it is a better side of you to admire,_

_But they should never take so long,_

_Just to be over then back to another one,_

_But no one…is ever gonna love you more than I do,_

_No one's gonna love you more than I do,_

_But someone…they could've warned you,_

_When things start splitting at the seams and now,_

_The whole thing's tumbling down,_

_Things start splitting at the seams and now,_

_If things start splitting at the seams and now,_

_It's tumbling down…hard,_

_Do anything to make you smile…you are the ever-living ghost of what once was,_

_Don't ever want to hear you say, that you'd be better off…or you liked it that way,_

_And no one…is ever gonna love you more than I do,_

_No one's gonna love you more than I do,_

_But someone…they should've warned you,_

_When things start splitting at the seams and now,_

_The whole things tumbling down,_

_Things start splitting at the seams and _now_,_

_If things start splitting at the seams and now,_

_It's tumbling down…hard."_

XXXX

I stared at Emmett for a few seconds, trying to make sense of what he was saying. To be quite honest, I hadn't really even heard what he said. Between the fact that he'd been fucking with me all afternoon and evening…_and_ then this bullshit of him _having_ to fucking gossip about Jacob, my head was about three seconds from exploding.

He knew that I had no interest in hearing about _anything_ Jacob Black was up to. He knew for a fact that it pissed me off, yet he insisted on slapping me in the goddamned face with it. Then, he decided to become my _love consultant_ by pressing the issue of Bella and I…as if it was the best idea in the universe to break up a marriage, be it a sad and pathetic one or not. For the life of me, I still couldn't figure out how this could possibly have anything to do with getting the band back together.

_So what_ if Jacob was meeting with some asshole that I didn't know from Adam. _Big fucking deal_. Jacob was an executive, that was what they did…they met with clients, and tried to make more money. _What could that possibly have to do with me? So what_ if this said asshole had somehow been related to Victoria.

_Wait a minute._ _Victoria?_

Her name echoed in my mind suddenly. _Victoria Sutherland…ex-girlfriend, and I use that word loosely, stripper who tore my world apart and Bella away from me more than ten years ago. Ten years that felt like ten minutes right now._

Suddenly my mouth fell open slightly. "Hold on a minute, Emmett. What the fuck did you just say?"

He sighed and rolled his eyes. "Jesus Christ, Edward. Where the fuck is your head at tonight? Oh," he chuckled. "I think I have a pretty good idea."

"Fuck off, douche!" I snarled. "Just tell me what the _fuck_ you just said."

"I _said_ that this dude, Riley Biers is _related_ to that slutty bitch you," he snorted, "_went out with_ a lifetime ago. He's her _cousin_, Edward."

"Let me get this straight. Jacob met with Riley Biers…who is _Victoria's_ cousin?" I asked, perplexed.

He nodded and rolled his eyes. "Duh! That's what I just fucking said…twice.

I sighed, annoyance riddling me again. I wasn't sure what to make of it, and I wasn't sure if I even cared. I didn't want Emmett to think I was buying into his bullshit, so I tried to play it off as nothing. For all I knew, it _was_ nothing.

"So what, Emmett? Like you said, small world. Victoria is bound to have family scattered around. Nothing I can do about that. What the fuck does this have to do with me, or with Bella?"

He rolled his eyes and shook his head. "I don't know just yet, but I have a real hard time thinking that it's a coincidence."

I looked at Jasper, who simply shrugged his shoulders, and then looked back at Emmett. "Oh, so what, Mr. _Conspiracy Theory_," I snorted. "They're all out to get me in some diabolical scheme? Maybe the three of them are planning to take over the world!"

"What-the-fuck-ever, Edward," he said sardonically. "All I can say is that I smell a fucking rat, dude." He leaned forward. "So _I_ say, fuck him. She's better off without him."

"Oh, that's what you say, huh? Brilliant, Emmett," I sneered.

"Yeah," he sneered back. "So, we get our shit together, and we play at the club…show Bella who the better man is." I just sat there, staring into space and contemplating. I would never admit it, but this scenario with Jake being connected to Victoria didn't sit well with me. I could chalk it up to coincidence, but my gut was telling me different. I smelled a fucking rat too. "So," he interrupted my thoughts, "are we doing this or what?"

"Fine, fuckers!" I growled. "But I didn't say anything about Bella being there…and we're going to have to practice when I _don't_ have Little Man."

"Oh my God!" Emmett ignored me, absorbed in his own thoughts, and then shoved me in the same shoulder I was sure he'd already bruised.

"Motherfucker, I swear to _Christ_!" I hissed through my teeth.

"Sorry puss, but listen…"

"Fuck you," I muttered under my breath, but he was oblivious.

"You might as well slap a crown on my head and call me King, because I just had _the_ best idea." He was sporting this shit-eating grin, and that- coupled with the words he'd just spoken- usually indicated that it was actually the worst idea on the planet, definitely not the best at all.

"You invite Bella," he began again. _Yep, definitely the worst idea on the planet._ "And tell her that she _has_ to bring her sister with her, and…maybe a little somethin'-somethin' for me to check out." He was so proud of his little genius idea, and I seriously wanted to wrap my hands around his fucking neck.

"I, uh, I—I think that's a pretty sweet idea Edward," Jasper added cautiously.

"Are you guys completely fucked in the head?" I asked, pissed off once again, and shook my head. "No. No fucking way."

"Listen Edward," Emmett said. His voice was suddenly very serious again. "You've pretty much proved that you're full of shit, so deny it to someone who doesn't actually know any better. Stop fucking with us. We're brothers, remember? No fucking secrets here." He pointed his finger and circled it around the three of us. I looked at Jazz for some support, but he was nodding his head and eyeing me. I knew I was completely screwed at that point, and was not getting off the hook in any way, shape, or form, so I fucking caved.

"Alright, fine!" I yelled, eliciting a collective cheer from _Tweedle Dick_ and _Tweedle Traitor_, and I put my hand up to shut them up. "But…" I began to state my conditions. "We have to make sure that Jake doesn't know about it. I won't put Bella through that, if she agrees to this at all. You two cannot run your fucking mouths." They both nodded, smiling. "And…I pick the songs."

Emmett rolled his eyes. "Fine, Dude, but were not just playing bullshit love songs."

"Whatever Em, I can deal with anything, but I, uh," I eyed my guitar and sighed. "I do have a couple songs in mind to play."

"Oh, well I think we can _handle_ that," Jasper grinned and slung his arm around my neck.

XXXX

The Bears ended up winning the game, and I was hoping the neighbors wouldn't call the cops based on the ear-splitting cheers coming from the three of us. Esme showed up, and her timing was impeccable. It was just after we had quieted our roars, high-fives, and clanking of beer bottles - plus one margarita glass - in celebration of the win. The guys greeted her lovingly with kisses on the cheek as she made her way into the kitchen and sat the foil-covered baking dish on the counter.

"Are you boys hungry?" Her sweet voice sounded musical as she lifted the foil, letting the room fill up with the rich aroma of her delicious meatloaf and mashed potatoes.

"I can always eat!" Emmett boomed, but thank God for Jasper, who quickly but politely rescinded her invitation.

"Well, it smells delicious, Mrs. Cullen, but we really need to get going. Em's Mom actually invited us over for dinner, and we don't want to keep her waiting. Right Emmett?" He gave Em a pointed glance, however, Emmett was too busy staring at my mother's ass to notice until he shoved him in the shoulder.

"Oh—oh yeah, Mrs. C. We'd better get going…soon." He muttered, and then frowned at Jazz.

Esme, who had taken out a spoon and had begun stirring the potatoes, didn't look up. She only chuckled lightly as she replied, "Okay then, you boys have a good dinner."

Emmett earned himself a menacing glare from me when he stepped behind her silently and motioned his hands toward her ass, as if squeezing it…all while smirking at me. _Sick motherfucker._ Yes, my mom was beautiful inside and out, but she practically raised him too- as much time as he'd spent at our house growing up- yet he insisted on trying to induce my vomiting every time he was around her.

We quickly and quietly discussed plans to practice as a band for the first time in years, and as much as we tried to keep it quiet, Esme caught on and asked about it. Once again, I wanted to choke Emmett for blurting out, "Yeah, we're going to play at 'Open Mic Night' sometime in December. You should come watch!" I glared at him, gritting my teeth as I was then forced to lie to my mother.

_Why the fuck would I want her to come watch when there was a possibility that Bella would be there. I should just wear a flashing-fucking neon sign labeling myself as what I was…home-wrecker extraordinaire._

I told her that we were only just thinking about it, and didn't know if it would even happen. My smart, saint-of-a mother, who could read me like a book, caught onto my chagrin and smiled in her most compassionate way. She stated that she would hate to impose, but wished us the best of luck, and was very excited that we were possibly deciding to resurrect our band.

As soon as I all but shoved the guys out the door, Esme grabbed me and hugged me tenderly for what seemed like infinity. He embrace was so caring and empathetic, that I melted into her- as I had done when I was a child. I kept my emotions in check as much as possible when she pulled herself back slightly and gazed at me with her honey-colored eyes, full of motherly love, yet sadness at the same time. "Honey, I'm so sorry about the baby, and what you went through. I've been so worried about you," she said softly, and placed a light kiss on my cheek.

"Mom I'm fine," I smiled at her. "You worry about me too much."

"Well, I have to Edward. It's my job. Says so in the _Mother's Handbook_, you know," she giggled.

"Well, I'm a big boy, so the handbook is obsolete now."

"Oh honey, it's never obsolete," she grinned warmly. "I'll worry about you until my last breath." A large lump formed in my throat, and I fought the tears that were trying to pool in my eyes as I looked at this amazing woman…who didn't have to love me, but took me in as a baby and never looked back. I could've easily broken down at that moment, recalling the devastated adoptive parents of the baby I'd lost, but instead I turned away from her and sat on the sofa. She sat on the other end and pretended to watch TV as I pulled myself together.

After a few excruciating minutes, I spoke. "Thank you," I cleared my throat. "…for dinner. It smells ridiculous. You should go into business, Mom, really." I smiled at her and she sighed in what seemed like relief.

"Only the best for my little boy," she replied grinning, and we both laughed.

"I—I am just so sorry that Rose called and got you so worried about me, Mom. Really, I'm fine. I'll get over it…eventually."

"I know you will." She nodded her head. "But Rose had good intentions. I'm sure she still cares for you, honey." I grit my fucking teeth because Rose…and the phrase _cares for_ sounded utterly ridiculous, unless it was followed by _herself, and herself only_. Thankfully, I hid my animosity well and she didn't notice it. Instead, I told her that I would have Kellan from tomorrow morning until Friday, so he'd keep me too busy to think about things. I prayed he would.

"Oh great!" She replied elatedly. That boy had his Nana and Grandad wrapped around his little fingers. "You'll have to bring him over to help Nana plan out the meal for Thanksgiving!" It was virtually the same every year, but Kel loved it when his Nana asked for his assistance. Suddenly my cell buzzed in my pocket, startling me. I pulled it out quickly and let out a breath as my stomach immediately jumped into my throat.

I looked at the text, half hoping that it _was_, and half hoping that it _wasn't_ Bella because Esme certainly didn't need to be inclined to our little secret we were now forced to keep. I was initially annoyed to see that it was actually Rose, but breathed a sigh of relief at the fact that she just wanted to ask me to pick up Kellan tonight as opposed to tomorrow morning- citing that this was Kel's idea. I would've been happier had I believed her, but no, I assumed she wanted to start her week of irresponsibility early.

I quickly texted back, '_Fine. B there in 30,'_ and then apologized to Esme for having to run off. She hugged me gently, kissed my cheek again in her usual loving way, and reminded me to bring my boy over sometime during the week before she was on her way.

Thirty minutes later, I was standing at the doorstep, waiting for my son to come out. I would soon regret my decision not to remain in the car- even though it was seven pm and already quite dark outside- when Rose came to the door and began to try to engage me in conversation.

_Great,_ _here comes the usual bullshit._

I noticed, however, an odd change in her demeanor toward me. She seemed quiet, shy and almost guarded or afraid, which was completely bizarre for Rosalie Hale. She was careful as she chose her words in speaking to me.

"He's…really excited to see you tonight," she said quietly and smiled. I had to admit, I was taken by surprise at her politeness, and my mouth gaped a bit before I was able to respond.

"Well, I'm always excited to see him," I said, not looking at her. Suddenly she reached up and grabbed me into a tight hug. I pulled away from her quickly and stared at her, shocked.

"Edward, I heard about what happened at work, and I just wanted…well, I just wanted to say I'm sorry." She spoke quickly and quietly as Kellan trotted up behind her smiling. This time, my mouth fell open completely and it took me more than a moment to collect my thoughts before I remembered the only person who could have told her about it - knowing it wasn't Carlisle - and slammed my mouth shut again. Furrowing my brow, I clenched my teeth and spoke through them quietly as I coldly responded.

"Thanks, but I'm fine. I know who you heard it from, and I really don't need your sympathy, Rosalie."

She furrowed her brow momentarily, and then smirked. All traces of the obviously insincere politeness were gone suddenly.

"Well, speaking of that _someone_, I heard some other things as well."

"I don't care," I said quickly, then bent down to greet my boy. "Hey little man! Happy to see me?"

"Yep," he retorted with a smile. "And more Rock Band! I'm going to beat you again!"

I laughed, and then stood up to face the succubus once again. "He'll be back Friday after dinner," I said without emotion. She placed her hand on her hip and began to tap with her long, manicured nails as she glared at me - I assumed for ignoring her need to start drama.

"You know, you should really watch that temper of yours," she stated matter-of-factly.

"Well people really shouldn't cross me." I smirked back at her and mouthed "let's go" to Kellan. I placed my hand on the back of his ball cap-covered head, and slung his backpack over my shoulder.

He bounced toward the car after muttering a quick "See ya, Mom!" and was a few feet in front of me as I followed him, when Rose's annoying sneer ripped through my ears once again.

"I also know you were at the park…with _her."_ I halted in my tracks and turned around to see her scowling in my direction.

"Dad?" Kellan's little voice was a mere echo in my crowded head as I wondered just how in the fuck she could possibly know what she apparently knew.

I turned my head slightly toward Kellan and immediately asked, "Kel, did you and your mom go to the big park in the city yesterday? The huge one with the ice-skating rink and fountains."

"No, Dad," he answered. I believed him. He knew better than to lie to me, even where his mother was concerned.

"And you were with your mom all day?"

"Yeah, at home…_bo-ring!"_

_Then how, in the fucking hell could she have known where I was and whom I was with. Nobody did…or so I thought. _

"That's probably not the best move, Edward," she sneered again from the stairs. "Especially since she's mar—"

"Kellan get in the car and wait!" I said quickly, and bolted toward Rosalie. She stumbled backward up two stairs to the top when I reached her, and she flinched when I cleared all four steps at once to get into her face. I didn't even bother asking her how she knew, because I had a fairly good idea. Millennium Park was obviously a public place, and anyone could have been there, even that motherfucker…even if Bella didn't see him. It shocked me, however, that he wouldn't have taken the opportunity to confront me again, despite his near-death experience earlier that morning. He was that relentless.

"You _don't_ want to do this with me right now Rosalie!" I spat. "That's not the best _move _on _your_ part."

"Edward," she sighed and held her hands up, trying to calm me. She was looking at me as if I was some sort of deranged lunatic about to attack her. _Manipulative bitch_. "Edward, I'm just saying that it's…well, it's dangerous to mess with a married woman like that. You could…you could get hurt and I don't…I wouldn't want that, for Kellan's sake."

This only served to piss me off even more, and I clenched my fists at my sides tightly.

"Fuck you, Rosalie! It's _none_ of your business!"

"Edward, please." She swallowed thickly, her eyes filled with alarm.

I moved to within an inch of her nose and glared as I hissed through my teeth.

"I said you _don't_ want to _do _this with me. Got it?" She nodded quickly, and I turned on my heel, huffing my way back to my car and cursing under my breath.

Kellan asked me if I was okay on the way home, and I felt like an asshole for being so silent during half of the drive, so I lightened things up and tried to snap out of it for him. Later that night, when he was tucked into bed, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I retraced my steps through the park repeatedly in my head, trying to remember anything that would have indicated James' presence. Bella didn't mention him, but would she have? Probably not, knowing how much I despised him, and maybe not wanting a scene in a public place.

Suddenly I remembered her bruised knuckles. I remembered her behavior when I had returned to her with the hot cocoa, and things seemed to fall into place. He must have approached her but not me.

Had he scared her?

Had he confronted her?

But why?

My body began to tremble as I recalled the way he eye-fucked her the night I took her to the hospital, and I realized that he didn't need a reason to be a creepy fucking douche bag. He just _was_.

"_And as for Bella? Well, she just wants me."_ His words echoed through my head, and I knew I had to find out from her.

Obviously from the look of her knuckles, she would have taken care of herself if he _had_ done something to her, but that didn't mean she wasn't scared. Rage coursed through me at the thought of him threatening her…and if he had, I honestly wasn't sure I could keep my promise to Carlisle to be able to control myself and not murder him right then and there, the next time I saw him.

I grabbed my phone and typed quickly, sending Bella a text, knowing I couldn't actually call her in the event that Captain Douche was home.

_Are you alone?_ ~E

Within thirty seconds, she responded.

_Other than 2 annoyingly energetic children, yes._

I smiled to myself and texted back.

_Baby, I miss you._

She replied again.

_Me too 3._

I grimaced and spoke aloud to myself, "Just a few more days," before I sent another text.

_I have to ask you something._

Fuck! I hated to bring it up, but I had to know.

_What?_ She replied again quickly.

I typed carefully.

_You didn't see James at the park did you?_

This time, she didn't respond. I waited for almost two full minutes…an eternity, before I typed again.

_Bella?_

Another minute went by before my phone buzzed again.

_I'm sorry,_ it read. _E, it's no big deal. I handled it._

Well I guess the answer I was seeking was clear. That motherfucking son-of-a-bitch! After what I had said to him…nearly choking the life out of him…and he _still_ chose to fuck with her. I wanted to kill this piece of shit!

I collected myself, and with trembling hands, I typed again.

_What the fuck did he say? Your knuckles, that was him?_

She immediately responded.

_Yes. Please, Edward. Don't wanna talk about it._

That wasn't a good sign, and I definitely wanted him dead now more than ever, but I tried to comply with her wishes.

_I'm sorry baby. We will talk about it later._

I wasn't asking her this, I was telling her. I would _never_ allow this psycho to harm anyone I loved, and that included Bella.

_Yes. OK._ She replied again. _Still need to talk to u anyway. Got interrupted earlier._

_Right._

I responded, smilingand thinking about what we might have been doing had Alice not called and forced her to be a responsible parent.

_Let's talk now._

_Nope, not text._

She sent back quickly

_Call me?_

I replied.

_No. Has to be in person._

_You're killing me._

I smiled as I sent that one. I preferred _in person_ every day of the week.

_I know. I'm sorry._

_I love you._

I sent that one back, wishing I could wrap my arms around her. It took her a little longer to respond to that, and my heart started to thump violently in my chest. Finally, I heard and felt the buzzing again.

_So much._

She replied, and I chuckled, smiling so widely that my cheeks hurt.

I couldn't help but wonder what in God's name could be so important for her to tell me, that she had to tell me in person. For the life of me, I couldn't figure it out. I recalled her saying she was…she was something…before her phone rang, but what? She was…what? The word started with a _P_. She had said, _"Edward, I was p—"_ She was pissed? _No kidding, idiot._ I told myself. She was p—pretending not to love me? Maybe. She was p— she was praying that I would come find her? I rubbed my eyes. It was giving me a fucking headache.

Out of the blue, I thought of something. _No way,_ I thought to myself. She was p— she was _pregnant_? "No way." This time I said it aloud. _That's ridiculous_, I scolded myself. There was no way that would have been possible without my knowing. She would have told me. I chuckled to myself…not even letting myself entertain that thought anymore because it was so ridiculous. Suddenly my phone buzzed again.

_Goodnight Edward. _

I grinned like a fucking little kid on Christmas.

_One more thing, _I replied.

_What? ;)_

She winked at me.

I responded with absolute and undeniable truth.

_Look after my heart. I've left it with you. _

At first, she only sent a simple reply of _3 3 3,_ but then she replied again.

_Mine's always been with you._

I couldn't help but reply to her again. She had to know…she had to know without a single doubt, how I felt. I thought the words I'd chosen to send might have given her the idea I was trying to convey.

_You are the only one who has ever touched my heart. It will always be yours__._

My phone buzzed immediately with her response.

_U are gonna make me cry…stop. But don't stop. _

I held my phone against my heart for a few seconds and sighed, thinking of her porcelain face.

Finally I sent her one last text before letting her go.

_Goodnight Baby, sweet dreams._

But I would only let her go for one night. I would find a way to talk to her before she slipped back into his grasp, and forgot about me. _It has to work out, _I thought to myself, _it just has to._ I didn't think I could survive if it didn't.

As I called it a night, lying in my bed and feeling cold from the inside out, I thought about the things she had said to me today over and over. I finally came to a conclusion. I would fight to be with her until my heart stopped beating…until my dying breath. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I could never live in a world where we didn't exist together.

XXXX

_**Chapter End Notes: *sigh* Oh, Edward. He is the man of all of our dreams, am I right? Alright, people. I don't want you to forget about this 'Jacob/Riley/Victoria' thing. Things are about to get…out of hand. There's a storm blowing in from the west coast, and certain people have very unsavory plans in the works. Lies, deceit, betrayal, and then some, so stay tuned! **_

_**I will try to get chapter 29 up very soon. I have to warn you about this chapter, though. It's downright ugly, and if you haven't been a big fan of Jacob so far…um, you might just want to murder him after chapter 29. Sadly, it's not the worst of what he will do. **_

_**Okay, Docward and I are anxiously awaiting your comments. Reviewers get to take him dinner and feed it to him in place of his mother!**_


	31. Chapter 29 Going Under

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past**

**Chapter 29, "Going Under" ~ Evanescence**

Bella's POV

_***A/N: First and foremost: **__**GRAPHIC CONTENT WARNING**__**: This chapter contains graphic sexual violence in the form of an attempted rape. It may be disturbing to some readers. Proceed with caution.**_

_**Major thanks to a special reader of mine, .twilight2- who's evil genius mind worked to help me develop a fantastic plot twist based on Jacob's deceitful past activities…you'll see what I mean. THANK YOU GIRL! Big thanks go out to my betas as always…sweetishbubble, thanks for your help on this one and stepping up to work on it by your lonesome. I miss my other sexies right now (Love Of Escapism and THEsnapcrakklepop-still sending love to you and your baby honey) but they'll be back. LOE- get your ass back from holiday! Dnabgeek- you are an awesome reader and reviewer…thanks for your support. Obsessedwithedward1, magnolia822, ineedluv- you hookers already know I love you! To everyone that's adding my story as a fave or requesting story alerts...Thank you so much! I have a rec for you all this week, by the lovely magnolia822. It's called "The Cullen Sutras" and it's an amazing story. Check it out! Ok, on to the nitty gritty. This one's going to be rough for some of you (it was rough for me, believe it). I told you in last chapter's end notes…and some of the proceeding might be downright disturbing, so you have been warned. **_

_**Song Link, Going Under: .com/watch?v=RYVm0qbWIZU**_

_**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended and there is no financial gain by myself for this story. All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. All songs are owned by the respective artists, record companies and labels. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and its characters…I do not. **_©2009/2010 WickedCurveBall74/RobsMyEdibleArt, All rights reserved worldwide.

XXXX

"_Now I will tell you what I've done for you,_

_Fifty-thousand tears I've cried,_

_Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you,_

_And you still won't hear me…going under,_

_Don't want your hand this time, I'll save myself,_

_Maybe I'll wake up for once,_

_Not tormented daily, defeated by you,_

_Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom,_

_I'm dying again…_

_I'm going under…drowning in you,_

_I'm falling forever…I've got to break through,_

_I'm going under…_

_Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies,_

_So I don't know what's real and what's not,_

_Always confusing the thoughts in my head,_

_So I can't trust myself anymore,_

_I'm dying again…_

_I'm going under…drowning in you,_

_I'm falling forever…I've got to break through,_

_I'm…_

_So go on and scream, scream at me,_

_I'm so far away,_

_I won't be broken again,_

_I've got to breath…I can't keep going under,_

_I'm dying again…_

_I'm going under…drowning in you,_

_I'm falling forever…I've got to break through_

_I'm going under…_

_Going under."_

XXXX

_Oh my God_. They were making me crazy. Every five minutes it was, "Mommy! He won't stop looking at me," or "Mommy! She won't let me play with her!" All this after I had fed them their favorite _junk food_ dinner of chopped up turkey dogs, and mac and cheese, _and_ allowed them to drench both the bathroom floor along with myself while they bathed. They were running around, acting like a couple of escaped mental patients, and I was exhausted, both mentally and physically.

Edward had just sent me a few text messages, and I was elated to hear from him…until he asked about the park, and _James_. I was elated to hear from him regardless, I couldn't lie to myself, and the words that he wrote me, nearly made my heart explode in my chest. My stomach, however, jumped into my throat when he asked about that, and I didn't know what to tell him. I couldn't believe that sadistic _asshole_, James, would risk his own well-being by gloating- or whatever he did- to Edward, and telling him that he ran into me. I wondered if he'd told him how he _manhandled_ me, and rubbed his sleazy hands over me.

I didn't want to upset Edward. I couldn't take anymore of that tonight, so I told him that I didn't want to talk about it…that I had handled it. I wished he would have just left it well enough alone. We had enough problems, well _I_ had enough problems without bringing James into the mix of things, and complicating them even more. However, if he'd told Edward I was there, he had to have seen us there together. It was the only thing that made sense.

Suddenly, I was absolutely fucking _terrified_, and realized just what kind of person we were dealing with. I understood completely that James would have no problem- knowing I was married- blackmailing Edward or me…or both of us for that matter.

I wanted to vomit.

It wouldn't matter that he hadn't seen the full effect of the intimacy Edward and I shared that night. I was certain that James would have no problem making up whatever he needed to, to destroy us both.

I didn't know what the fuck to do, but I knew I had to do whatever it took to protect my children- _as much as I wanted to toss them out the front door at the moment_- myself, and Edward. James was a destroyer of lives. Of that, I had no doubt.

Edward insisted that we talk about it later, and as much as I wanted to protest, I knew better and let it go.

I sighed, exasperated, to myself because I knew we had so much more to talk about. He was also insisting that we talk _now_, over the phone, and I just could not do that to him. I knew I had to tell him. I knew it, and I felt like my chest was going to implode just thinking about it. I was staring at the proverbial _fork in the road_, and struggling as to which way to go. _Tell him, and risk losing him forever…or don't tell him, and live the rest of my life with the guilt_. I knew in my heart that I couldn't do the latter.

I was fucking kidding myself anyway.

In reality, there were two forks in my godforsaken road. _The other one would be to either stay where I was, and continue the life I had, or go with my heart…and possibly destroy my family, as well as break my children's hearts in the process._ I chuckled to myself humorlessly. _It won't matter anyway. As soon as Edward findsout about our baby, he'll never want to see or speak to me again anyway. Fork in the road number two…solved._

When he said he loved me and asked me to look after his heart, I could have died. My heart again swelled to the point of bursting, and I was at a loss for words. I knew what I'd told him earlier, that I was so in love with him, and even though it was spoken in passion, I _really_ was. It was a huge risk for me to just say it…like we were boyfriend and girlfriend again…a huge risk to put myself out there like that when I had so much to lose.

_God, what I wouldn't give to just be with him right now. _

The pain hurt me worse than the broken and swollen hand on my right arm. It was ridiculous, but I couldn't just outright say, _I love you_. It was too happy and joyful a phrase. The situation we found ourselves in was far from happy and joyful. It was secretive and deceitful. Sure, we could've been happy and joyful when we were together…alone, in fucking secret…but no other time could we ever let it slip. I could say I was _in love_ with him. In my convoluted thought process, this could indicate that there were obstacles to overcome. I could say _so much_, in response to his _I love you_, because I wasn't really saying it.

_Jesus_, I was living a nightmare…a nightmare I wasn't sure I wanted to wake up from.

One of my worst fears had been realized when Alice had come by- as she had promised- and I reluctantly told her that I was a cheating whore. What frightened me the most was that she didn't even get mad at me for it. She cried. _She fucking cried_, and I could have taken a long walk off a short bridge right then. She'd had her face buried in her hands, quietly sobbing, and I was sobbing along with her. I thanked the good Lord that the kids had begged me, before the sisterly waterworks began, to go outside and play. After I'd bundled them up and warned them to stay where I could see them through the glass doors, I allowed it.

When I had finally pried her hands from her face, begging her to forgive me, she looked at me with the most puzzled expression. With tears still flowing freely down her perfect cheeks, she spoke softly to me.

"My _God_ Bella, don't you know me better than that?" I was at a loss for words as she continued, and I hiccupped on my sobs. "I'm not crying b—because I'm mad at you. I'm c—crying because I f—feel fucking _sorry_ for you."

"Because I'm such a _loser_?" I hiccupped again, averting my eyes from her gaze. "A cheating _whore_?"

She grabbed my chin and pulled it up so that I would look at her. "Are you insane?" she asked, her brow furrowed in concern. I nodded. "No, _idiot!_" She sighed as I searched her expression, utterly confused. "You are _not_ a loser, and you are _not _a whore!" She shrugged her shoulders and looked up. "Slut, maybe, but whore…no," she giggled, and I continued to look at her in confusion, wondering what she was saying. I was also wondering if we were both completely out of our minds. "Bella," she said, her voice suddenly serious again, and her face sobered. "Jake's…a good person deep down. You know that."

I opened my mouth to protest. After I'd just told her everything that had happened…the other woman's voice in Jacob's room, the _grudge_ he still apparently held for me, the blatant hicky from God only knows who, and the escapade with a stripper recently- that Edward didn't go into enough detail about to satisfy me…I wasn't sure I'd call that a _good_ person_._

She held her hand up to stop me. "Let me finish, Bella." She scooted her chair closer to me at the kitchen table, and put her arm around me, squeezing my shoulders tightly. "Look, we all understood why you fell for him like you did. He was there for you during one of the hardest experiences of your life. He—he was the only one that seemed to be able to get through to you. Bella, you _clung_ to him, and even though we were afraid that it wasn't healthy, we didn't say anything."

I could barely get my voice to break a whisper, "Who—who's _we_?"

She shook her head. "Bella, _everyone_. Except Dad, of course. He was too excited that you were choosing to be with his best friend's son." She rolled her eyes, and I let out a breath that I'd apparently been holding since she started talking. "It's like he was jealous of Edward or something, but he was okay with Jacob. Mom, Angela, me, and everyone else…we all knew what it did to you to have to leave him. We knew, Bella, how much you loved Edward. _My God_, it was obvious. The air…it was electric when the two of you were together. I swear to God, I've never seen anything like it before in my life."

I let out a strangled sob as the memories came rushing back to me, and Alice squeezed me tighter. "I swear, baby sis, I didn't think that you and Jake would last that long." I stared at her with wide eyes, and she shrugged. Her sad eyes were overwhelming me. "I never understood," she sighed, "why you didn't eventually take Edward back. It—it broke my heart every time he would call me and _beg_ me to talk to you, to—to convince you to see him…"

"What?" I blurted out. She had never fucking told me about that. I had no idea.

At that moment, I felt my heart split in two again. I wasn't sure whether I wanted to be angry with her, or hug her for protecting me- supposedly- _or_ if I wanted to leave her there with my children, and race to Edward's apartment, tell him everything, and beg him _on my knees_ to stay with me. Really, I just wanted to crawl into a fucking hole for the hurt I'd caused him.

"Bella." She shook her head again and whispered, "I was afraid. I—I never really thought it was a good idea for you to marry Jacob."

I shot up out of my chair and stalked over to the sliding glass door, staring at my beautiful children who wouldn't have existed had I not made the decision I made. But I couldn't help but feel repressed anger that my sister never expressed this to me before now. I looked over my shoulder at her, her eyes averted to her hands. "Goddamn it, Alice," I said under my breath, exasperated. "Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you try to talk to me about it? To—to get me to open my eyes?" I inhaled and exhaled sharply. "All these years…I—I didn't know Alice, and I didn't know he begged you to talk to me. _Oh God._" Another sob strangled my throat, I could no longer speak, and I turned back to the glass door. I felt like I couldn't breathe. Almost immediately, I could feel Alice's tiny arms wrap around mine, and her voice shook as she spoke.

"Bella, I'm sorry." She turned me around to face her, and my sister's agonized expression nearly made me come undone.

"It's ok," I choked, and grabbed her in a tight hug. She pulled back with her arms still around me and sighed.

"I tried to talk to you. I _tried_. Remember? At your wedding, in the dressing room." I pulled away from her gently, and took a step back as I recalled that day. Then I rolled my eyes.

"Yeah, Alice, at my wedding, _right._ You should have shaken some fucking sense into me before that." I ran my hand over my ponytail and chuckled sardonically. "It was all over by then."

She hung her head slightly. "I wish I would have, Sis. I really do."

I suddenly snapped out of it, realizing that I just needed to figure out a way to move on from the bullshit in my past, and the bullshit in my present.

"Stop, Alice." I picked her chin up and smiled when she looked at me; the tears still stained both of our faces. "_Jesus_, this is crazy. None, and I mean _none_ of this is your fault. You were just being my big sister, and I love you so much. Do you know that?"

A relieved whimper escaped her lips as she nodded quickly, and squeaked out a high-pitched "Yes," threatening to send us both into a fit of sobs again.

"Don't do that!" I teased. "Just help me figure out what the fuck to do."

We sat back down at the table and began to go over my options, as if it was a retirement plan I was looking into buying or something. The absurdity didn't strike me at the time. She brought up the elephant in the room- the pregnancy and baby- citing that I hadn't told him, based on my recount of the evening with him at the park, and that it was a _good_ thing. I'd thought she was going to murder me when I had explained to her the reason that I'd asked Edward to meet with me. I believed her exact words had been, _"Have you lost your fucking mind?"_ Our emotions had calmed, and it seemed as though we had gone back to our normal sisterly bantering.

"No it's not, Alice!" I barked in response to her asinine idea that _not_ telling him was a good thing. "Alice, he _has_ to know."

"No he doesn't, Bella! Why must you insist on creating this—this _turmoil_ for yourself? Shit!"

"Because, Alice," I replied, unwilling to let her sway me on this. "His feelings for me have to be based on fact!"

"They _are_! They're based on the fact that he still in love with you. _Hello!_" She threw her hands in the air.

"Well," I continued my argument, "he _says_ he loves me…" She nodded and smiled, as if that was the answer to everything. "…and I want that to be the truth." I finished my sentence. "Look, I know Edward, Alice. I hope not, with everything in me, but he could very well never want to see me again after I tell him, and I want him to want _me_ knowing everything about our past. _Jesus,_ I know what his mistake was. He deserves to know mine, right?"

She shook her head and furrowed her brow. "First of all, I wouldn't necessarily call it a _mistake_, but we've been through that already, and you know what I mean. Why risk it Bella? Give yourself a fucking chance to be happy. Move on with him and start your life together _finally_." She huffed.

"Can I borrow your _rose-colored glasses_ Alice?" I smirked and cocked my head to the side. "It's not that simple. I can't—I can't just run off with him. I have _children_, this house." I shifted my eyes around the room. "There would be a d—divorce." I could barely say the word. "You know Jake would make it ugly, Alice. I can't just _presume_ that I would have any kind of life with him." The doom began to engulf me again. _I really wished I had a pair of rose-colored glasses._

"What about _your_ feelings?" She asked, still pressing the issue. "Let me ask you something, Sister. Do you love him?"

I felt my stomach flip and my vocal chords become paralyzed for a moment. Finally I rolled my eyes as my sister looked right through me and said, "Dumb question."

"Is it?" She grinned. "Why can't you say it then?"

I stared at her and she raised her eyebrows at me. "I c—can," I sighed. "It's just that if I say it to him now, and he hates me later…Alice, it will be too much for me to bear. I—I couldn't do it."

She rolled her eyes at me. _Great, no more sympathy from Sis._ "Bella you have to say it. If you don't, you'll never do anything about your situation, and then _I'll_ have to deal with your pitiful face for the rest of our lives and.,,_ugh_. No, you need to say it. Say it to me."

"I love you," I retorted with sarcasm.

"Nice try!" She laughed. "Say 'I love Edward.' Say it right now. _Say_ it!"

I sighed, then mumbled barely audible, "I love Edward." _What were we, in third fucking grade or something?_

She snorted. "Weak. Say it louder." She crossed her arms over her chest. "Right now, young lady!"

I sighed again, and then spoke a little louder but still merely above a whisper, "I love…Edward."

She frowned. "Do _not_ make me tackle you the ground and give you a _wet willy_, because I will do it. You know I will!"

Yes, I knew she would do it, and it pissed me off that I was letting her get to me. I said it again, a little louder.

"Louder!" She was almost yelling at me now, and I just wanted her to shut up. Although, I had to admit to myself, that it did make me feel a little better- but scared to death at the same time- to say it out loud.

"Fine!" I yelled. "_I…Love…Edward!"_ I felt like Tom-fucking-Cruise in _Jerry_-fucking-_Maguire._

She smiled wickedly, and opened her mouth to speak, when we both heard my daughter's sweet little voice say, "Who's _Edward_, Mommy?"

_Holy fuck. _Alice and I stared at each other for a few seconds before I narrowed my eyes and glared at her, my back was to Krissy. We were so involved in our conversation that we hadn't even heard the door slide open.

"Nobody," I said as _sugarcoated_ as I could through gritted teeth.

"But you said you _love_ Edward." Her voice went up and octave then back down imitating me. "I thought you loved Daddy?"

I narrowed my eyes even more at Alice. Clearly, this was her fault. She had threatened me with the dreaded _wet willy_…I had no choice. "I do. I—"

"_Uuuuuuhm_, Krissy, you're mommy and I were just talking about a movie. _Edward_ is a, um, a character in the movie."

I turned, cringing, to look at my child. She cocked her head to the side and seemed to be contemplating. "Oh," she chirped, and then looked at me. "But Mommy, why is your face all puffy? Are you sad about _Edward_ in the movie?" Suddenly, her little eyes lit up. "Can I watch it? I want to love Edward _too_!"

I almost fell out of my chair as Alice spoke up again. "Oh no, honey. You have to be _much_ older to watch _that_ movie." She glanced at me, and I could see the amusement in her expression at the irony of her words. Her eyes flashed.

My fucking sister obviously could not appreciate the gravity of this situation. I looked back to Kristen, who simply shrugged her shoulders, having already lost interest, and said, "Okay."

I cleared my throat. "D—did you need something, honey? Where's your brother?"

Her eyes became wide as she shifted into _tattletale_ mode and whined. "Robby's chasing me around with a _big_ stick!" She held her arms out to show me the enormity of the weapon with which her brother was threatening her. I got up and padded to the door, sliding it open. I noticed that Robby did have a pretty large stick in his hand, no doubt a makeshift sword, and was battling some unseen nemesis.

"Robert William!" I raised my voice high enough for him to hear me, and he stopped dead in his tracks, looking toward me. "You stop chasing your sister with that! Do you hear me?"

He dropped the stick instantly and nodded. "Sorry, Mommy."

After sending Krissy back out to play, I turned and glared some more at my sister, before muttering a sarcastic, "Nice!"

"I'm so fucking sorry!" She said giggling, and then quickly cupped her hand over her mouth.

"It's not fucking funny, you _idiot_!" I huffed. "If she says that, even that _we_ said it was in a movie, in front of Jake…" I just shook my head.

"Oh stop it Bella. She won't, probably." I growled at her blasé attitude, but she continued. "I'm just proud of you that you said it!"

"Good grief, Alice!" I sighed. "Look, can we just _not_ talk about this anymore?"

She walked over to me and slung her arm around me again. "Bella, you're my sister and I love you so much." She started getting weepy again, and I fought the lump in my throat as she continued. "I want you to know that I will do anything, _anything_ to help you get through this." I nodded and my lips began to tremble. There was no one like my sister, and I was so grateful to have her, even if I couldn't verbalize it. "Listen," she said, her voice beginning to crack slightly, "If anything happens, or when you're ready…well, you know my door is always open for you and the kids."

I let out a breath and turned into her, hugging her tightly. "I love you, Al. You're my favorite sister!"

We both laughed, and she quirked an eyebrow at me. "_Sure_, as you are mine!"

XXXX

I glanced at the clock as I continued to listen to the twins squealing relentlessly in the background. The constant static from them was grating on my nerves. Couple that with my never-ending mental dialogue, and the fact that I found myself once again sitting here, and waiting on Jacob to show up at his leisure. I'd all but given up on the idea of co-fucking-parenting. I felt helpless and annoyed. My hand was starting to throb along with my head, and I decided enough was enough.

"Alright that's _it!_" I said loudly, bringing the clatter to an abrupt halt. The twins both stared at me is if I'd lost my mind. "It is ten o'clock, it is _way_ past your bedtime, and Mommy is _tired_!" Both of their little mouths turned down into sad frowns. "Now let's go!" I pointed toward the bedrooms.

"_Noooooooo!_" they both whined collectively. They definitely didn't win the battle, and after the third time of going in and threatening them within an inch of their little lives, they quieted down.

I got myself ready for bed and plopped down onto it, flipping through the channels. Nothing worth mentioning was on, it seemed, except endless infomercials and reruns. It also seemed that every fucking commercial that came on involved law firms promoting their specialty in divorce, or some restaurants promoting their new desserts with goddamned strawberries. _Ugh_, apparently my _reticular activator_ was in full effect.

It was something I'd learned about in my college psych class. _It's the part of the brain that essentially stays on alert. It makes a person notice certain things and ignore others. Ask any mother of a newborn baby, who has been jolted from a sound sleep by the tiniest whimper of their child three rooms away, about the reticular activator. Another example would be if one were highly interested in something, had a goal. For instance, a new car. They would see that particular car in the particular color they were interested in, almost everywhere._ Right, so I wanted a divorce…and I wanted strawberries. _Splendid._ In reality, I wanted someone in particular to put those strawberries all over my naked body, and devour them, along with me.

I sighed and grabbed my cell, reading through the text messages between Edward and me. It was bittersweet. His words made me smile, but mine made me wince with heartache. At one time, I wanted to hurt him so badly I could taste it, but now…now I just couldn't fathom it. Realizing that Jake would probably be home some time during the night, and that there was a strong possibility he would be a nosy asshole, I begrudgingly deleted the thread of texts.

I clicked the TV off, refusing to give my _reticular activator_ any more fuel to fuck with me, and tried my best to drift into the nothingness that I needed, and possibly have the sweet dreams that Edward had asked me to have. After tossing and turning for what seemed like hours, and after over analyzing my _situation_, as Alice put it, so much that my brain cells begin to feel numb, I found my self finally dreaming.

Unfortunately, the sweet dreams were not happening. Instead, the haunting pair of eerily beautiful green eyes tormented me again. They were melancholy, weeping because I had abandoned her- this child of ours that I'd only come to know in my dreams- so many years ago. It was a recurrence of the previous dream I'd had, as Edward's amazing emeralds bore into me again, his caring voice telling me it would be ok, and to sleep now.

XXXX

I woke up gasping, to an almost pitch black room. I sat up and looked around, trying to get my eyes to adjust to the claustrophobic darkness, with only a faint, candlelight glow coming from the nightlight at the far end of the hallway. I noticed the clock as I scanned the dark room. _Three twenty-five a.m._ "Ugh," I groaned and plopped my head back down onto the pillow.

"Having a rough dream?"

"Oh!" I shot back up in bed, and looked toward the voice that startled me. Finally, I spotted him. He was leaning casually back on the chaise lounge catty-corner and to the right of the foot of our bed. His legs were outstretched in front of him, and his ankles crossed. He had his arms up and folded, his hands tucked back behind his head, and I could make out the distinct bulge of his biceps as they strained at his ears. I still couldn't see his face, however, because the chaise was positioned in the darkest corner of the room. I reacted almost immediately after catching my breath, annoyed.

"Jesus, Jake! You scared the shit out of me!"

He chuckled and sardonically retorted, "Sorry, _Sweetheart_." He was obviously already trying to push my buttons.

I yawned, unimpressed by his attempt to annoy me. "When did you get home?"

"A couple hours ago," he responded flatly.

"A couple hours?" I was befuddled. "And…what have you been doing for a couple hours?" I wasn't sure I even wanted to know.

He leaned forward and placed his massive legs on each side of the chaise, then rested his forearms on his knees, his face still barely visible because the very dark corner shadowed it. He chuckled again, and this time it almost sounded menacing. "Watching you…_listening_ to you," he growled.

I was taken by surprise at his petulance, so I reached over and flicked on the lamp, that sat on the nightstand to my right as I squinted from the suddenly illuminated room. When my eyes adjusted again, and I saw his face, I stifled another gasp, and a cold chill crept its way up my spine. He was glaring at me, a look of complete disgust overwhelmed his features, and his dark eyes were almost black- a trait that usually only appeared when he was _livid_. I was confused, and quite frankly, pretty sure that _I_ was the one who was supposed to be livid with _him_. So I decided to play off my initial alarm with my ever-present sarcasm.

"You've been _watching_ me?" I snorted and rolled my eyes. "That's pretty fucking creepy, Jake." I plopped my head back onto the pillow and sighed heavily before I reached over and flicked the lamp back off. _Fuck him._ _If he wants to be a weird, creepy asshole, and watch me while I sleep, then so be it. _

"You _fucking_ lied to me," he hissed, and the sound made my stomach leap into my throat.

I was so stunned, that I froze for several seconds before I could even collect my thoughts. Jacob rarely ever used the word- or variations of the word- _fuck_, and when he did, it usually meant that he was beyond irate. My breath quickened, and my heart began to pound so hard that I could feel it through my chest, as I wondered to myself just what on earth he could be talking about. I _had_ lied to him, but I was obviously concerned about which part he actually knew of…or my worst fear of all, that he knew _all_ of it.

I decided to act my way out of this unforeseen and potentially life-altering confrontation by pretending I was annoyed, and that he had completely lost his mind. It wasn't out of character for me to stand up to him. He knew I wasn't usually afraid of him, but something in my gut told me that this was no normal argument, and that I needed to be extremely careful with him. I quickly flicked the lamp on again and turned to face him, propping myself up with my left arm.

"What in _God's_ name are you talking about, Jacob?" I spat in forged anger, trying my best to keep my game-face on and my composure in check. In all honesty, the expression on his face was chilling. His teeth were clenched, the muscles in his jaw were tight, his eyes were still glaring, his hands were balled into colossal fists, and he looked like a predator that- within seconds- would pounce on his helpless prey.

"I think," he snarled through his teeth, "that you know _exactly_ what I'm talking about."

I gulped, trying to keep my fear inconspicuous. I also thought I knew what he was talking about, but I was confused as to how he could possibly have known. I tried to slow my breathing as the word _denial_ scrolled through my mind like a marquee, and I quickly rolled my eyes, pulling together every ounce of wit within me to respond. "Err…_no_ I fucking _don't_ Jake. Good grief, are you _drunk_ again?"

Instantly, he was standing at the foot of our bed, his chest beginning to heave in anger, and I jumped involuntarily at his quick movement. A sly grin crept across his lips no doubt at the fact that he knew he'd startled me again. He reached his arms over his shoulders and pulled his shirt off in one swift motion, exposing the bulging muscles across his chest and down his arms. He then wadded his shirt in a ball, and threw it at me with force.

"_You_ are a lying _bitch_!" He growled as his wadded up shirt hit me square in the face. I lost my momentum- with the force of the material hitting me- and fell backward onto the pillows with an "oomph."

Although I was still alarmed, and this gesture frightened me a little more because now he seemed to be getting physical, it also pissed me off, and I glared at him as I struggled to sit myself back up on the bed with one arm. "What the _fuck_, Jacob?" I shot back at him.

He sighed, stretching his arms out and placing his hands on the back of his head. "I guess this isn't going to be as easy as I thought. I forgot how goddamned stubborn you can be." He cocked his head to the side. "So you're just going to _deny_ everything, huh?"

I shook my head and furrowed my brow. "Deny what? _Jake_, I don't know what the _fuck_ you are talking about!" My words dripped with acid as I spoke them slowly and mechanically, hoping he would just back the fuck off.

Instead, this seemed to drive him over the edge, and as soon as the last word had left my lips, he lunged toward me at the side of the bed, and pointed his index finger in my face- not an inch from my nose. I gasped and flinched.

"_You_," he said musically and smirked. _The asshole was getting pleasure from scaring the shit out of me._ "…told me you were _alone_ at the park. But you weren't, _were you_?"

_Fuck! Fuck! _I thought to myself. _Pull it together Bella! Jesus, how does he fucking know this? _

I nodded my head quickly. "Yes…I was…alone," I said weakly. My voice was betraying me.

He removed his finger but leaned over me so that I had to hold my head back to look into his face, which was now contorted into a terrifying sneer. "_Stop_ lying to me, Bella!" He seethed.

"I'm not!" I equaled his fury, but my insides were crumbling.

"_Yes you are!"_ He pressed his seething face closer to mine and his breath washed over me. Just then, I could detect a familiar tang, that of Tequila. It had to have been from either the airport bar, or the flight home, but the aroma was too strong for him to have only had a drink or two. He _was_ drunk, or was coming down from it, and I knew from experience that my arrogance only fueled his aggressiveness when he was inebriated.

I took a different approach, now desperate to try and calm him, as it seemed that his rage was escalating. "Jake, y—you've been drinking. I—I'm sure you're tired, and confused. It was a long trip. I don't know why you think this, but I was alone." I sat up a little more to steady myself and placed my left hand on his cheek, which was on fire with fury.

"Oh, there's _no_ confusion, _Sweetheart_," he said through his clenched teeth. He wrapped his huge hand around my left wrist and ripped it off his cheek, then squeezed it as I winced in pain.

"_Ow_, Jake! Stop it, that hurts!" He continued to squeeze my wrist, tighter and tighter, to the point that I was certain my bones would snap in two. "Oh _God! _Please, Jake, _stop_!" I cried out, "You're going to break my wrist!"

He furrowed his brow and lessened his grip, but didn't let go. Instead, he pinned it to my side and held it there. "Good," he spat. "Wouldn't it just be _too bad_ if you were stuck in the house for quite some time…" He paused briefly, and then grinned. "…because _your _temper got the best of you again, and _oops_, you broke another bone." My mouth fell open in utter shock at his callous words, but he gritted his teeth again, showing them as he continued. "Now, you better shut the hell up. I'd hate to have to tell the kids that their _mommy_ is a _fucking whore_, if you were to wake them up!"

I felt myself beginning to hyperventilate. I couldn't believe what I was hearing coming out of his mouth, and suddenly, there wasn't a doubt in my mind that he knew _every_ fucking detail of what I'd been up to while he was gone.

"Do you understand me, Bella?"

I stared at him, still in disbelief, and nodded my head slowly.

"I think you may be forgetting," he continued, "that one of my best friends just happens to be a police _detective_, hmm? Surveillance is their _profession_, Bella. Undetectable to _cheating wives_ like you." His nostrils flared, his chest heaved, and I felt helpless. Still, I couldn't help but respond to this.

"Y—you had me _followed_?" I was appalled, and felt sick to my stomach. He nodded once, still glaring. "S—Sam followed me?" He didn't respond, and I suddenly felt a surge of rage course through my body. _How fucking dare he do this._ "That's pathetic, Jake," I said with as little emotion as possible.

He chuckled humorlessly, and leaned closer to me, causing me to lean backward. "What's pathetic," he hissed, "is _who_ you were with." My eyes widened. "Oh, you're busted, _baby_. It's so sad that you're such a goddamned glutton for punishment." He chuckled ominously again and shook his head. "I don't even have to say his name. It's written all over your face. Not to mention, you've already said it for me…_in your sleep_."

_Oh Jesus_, I thought to myself and racked my brain to try and think of something to say. Suddenly I had it, and mustered every ounce of anger I could possibly conjure up, to explode on him. I was done being nice. _An eye for a mother-fucking eye, Jake. That's what you want, that's what you'll get._ _Let him break my arm. _I didn't care. _I would make sure that everybody knew he had turned into a fucking wife-beater._ _He would have to kill me to shut me up_.

"Fuck you, Jake!" I hissed, "It's too bad I didn't have somebody trailing _your_ sorry ass, because no telling what the fuck _you_ were up to in Vegas!" He narrowed his eyes and glared, but I continued, my own rage taking over. "You had some _bitch_ in your room with you, didn't you? And don't think I don't fucking know about all the _other_ times too, you cheating bastard! You like the skanky strippers, huh Jake?"

He sucked in a breath, and I thought I had him, until he smirked. "Oh, I love it when you think you know what you're talking about, but you really don't." He then leaned down and whispered in my ear. "I think that's very sexy."

"You're being such a _prick_," I retorted sarcastically. It didn't phase him.

"Who told you about that, Bella? Your _home-wrecking_ boyfriend, Edward?"

"Whatever!" I snapped at him.

He laughed, as if he'd thought of something hilarious and said, "Sounds familiar, huh? Nasty strippers? Guess maybe you bring that out in people, _Bella_." Then his face contorted back to the menacing sneer. At this point, I was so pissed that I wanted to cry, but I stifled the sob that was creeping its way up my throat, at the memory of Edward and Victoria.

"_Ugh!_ You son-of-a-bitch!" I choked out. He responded by shoving me backward onto the bed, and straddling me…pinning me there with his massive hands and ridiculous size. I gasped and tried to struggle, but he pressed into my arms with the weight of his upper body, and I was powerless. "Get off me, Jake!" I cried out, and winced from the pain in my arms that his forearms were causing.

He leaned down, ignoring my command, his lips nearly brushing mine, and his voice was almost unrecognizable. "He may think you're his, but he's got _no idea_ who he's messing with." He emitted a low growl that seemed to emanate from the pit of his stomach and up through his torso. "You are _my_ wife. _Mine!_ And I will _never_ let you go."

I turned my head to the side and struggled to inhale because his tequila-ridden breath was choking me. Trying to hold myself together, I murmured under my breath, "Not after this. I won't be yours…anymore."

He let go of my arms momentarily, and sat up on his haunches, eyeing my body, and he licked his lips. He threw his head back and let out a harsh sigh before shaking his head, and then peered back down at me. "He's so goddamned stupid, Bella. You know that?" He said, gritting his teeth. "So easy to manipulate. _So_ easy to get him to betray _you_." He grinned, and I furrowed my brow in complete confusion because now, it seemed, he was talking absolute nonsense. "_He_ couldn't even figure it out that _I_ was the one who told that _prostitute_ he was at the club without his _girlfriend_ that night." He pointed his finger to me, and I stared at him, still confused. He shrugged his shoulders. "She wanted him…I knew it. He was being such a pussy about you…" He cocked his head to the side. "Not knowing what he wanted." Then he placed his fingertips on his cheeks and twisted his voice into a mocking tone. "_Oh, I don't know what to do. I think I love her, but I'm scared!"_ He placed his hands on his hips and looked back down at me with a straight face. "It was so easy…so easy, Bella, for him to fuck Victoria that night." He shrugged again. "Oh well, made it easier for me to get _you._" Then he raised his eyebrows in response to my wide-eyed stare. "Hey, you know what they say. You can lead a horse to water…I didn't put his _dick_ in her, Bella. He did that on his own. _But_, if you think I couldn't have a hand in destroying your relationship now, like I did before, you've got another thing coming."

My mouth fell open in absolute, total and complete astonishment. Was he—did he just tell me that he had set Edward up to cheat on me all those years ago? _Jesus Christ!_ I didn't know who my husband was at all. I felt like I was going to vomit all over myself. I was disgusted with him and couldn't believe my marriage was even more of a sham than I'd thought it was in the first fucking place. _Or_ pretended that it wasn't, rather. His eyes turned to coal black as he ran them up and down my body, and panic coursed through me immediately. I didn't know what else to do, so I pushed myself up as high as I could onto my elbows and- as soon as I was able to find my voice- I snarled at him.

"You get the _hell _off of me right now, Jacob Black, or I swear to _God_ I will scream at the top of my lungs! I'll wake the fucking kids up! Maybe they should see what kind of _man_ their daddy _really _is!" I shook my head and looked away. I couldn't stand to look at him. "Oh my God, I don't even _know_ who you are. You, you make me sick! How could you? How could you do that to me…to—to Edward? You were _supposed_ to be his friend. _You_ were never his friend, and you were _never _mine." I looked back to him and hissed through my teeth, "Now, get the _fuck_ off of me!"

A calm but strange expression came over him just then, and the hair on the back of my neck stood on end. Suddenly, he did something to me that he had never done before. Something that I never fathomed, in a million years, he would have ever thought about doing to me. He wrapped one of his enormous hands around my throat, and squeezed.

"Aaaggh!" A strangled screech burst from me as I reached my good hand up to his forearm- which was attached to the hand around my throat- and dug my nails into it. I dragged them down his massive forearm toward his elbow in an ill-fated attempt to remove his stranglehold. He hissed, and shoved me back down onto the bed by my throat. My arms flew over my head as he then grasped both my left wrist, and my casted arm with one gigantic hand. He squeezed my throat tighter, cutting off my oxygen completely, and I tried to gasp, but there was nothing.

I was still struggling as he lifted himself slightly, and placed a knee between my legs. His knee was large enough to spread my legs and give his other knee room to settle in between them as well. He then spread my thighs so far apart that I felt pain in my groin. He leaned over me, both of his legs acting as vices holding mine still, and hissed at me. "I told you to shut the _fuck_ up. You so much as _try_ to scream, and I will choke the life out of you." He grinned, almost demonic, and continued. "Try me, _baby_."

I stilled underneath him, and he squeezed my throat one last time before he released it from his grasp. I took a long, ragged breath, coughing and choking on my exhale. My eyes filled up with frightened tears as he slipped his fingers under my pathetically thin tank top, and yanked it upward, exposing my breasts. He ran his hand across them crudely, and then reached for the band of my string bikini underwear. Leaning into my ear, he whispered, "After tonight, you'll _know_ who you belong to. There won't be a doubt in that convoluted head of yours." I choked on the sob that ripped through my chest and ran its way up my tender and burning throat. My tears were now overflowing my eyelids and spilling onto my temple, soaking my hair. He ignored the strangling sound of my sobs- that I tried to keep quiet- and jerked the tiny band of my underwear so hard that it snapped, stinging my hip, and then brushed the slight material to the side, running his knuckles up my folds, and grinned.

"Oh God, Jacob please _don't_," I sobbed. "Please, I'm begging you n—not to do this."

He continued to ignore me, lost in his diabolical thoughts, his other hand still gripping my wrist and casted arm. "I'm going to give you the best sex you've ever had tonight, Bella. I'm going to screw your brains out…show you how a _real_ man takes care of his _wife_, and when I'm through with you," he leaned down and mumbled onto my trembling lips, "you'll never want anyone else, _ever_ again."

My body began to shake, my chest heaved with unrelenting sobs as he ground his denim-covered erection into me, then lifted himself slightly, and reached down to flick open the fly of his jeans. I heard the zipper, and was suddenly yanked up by my wrists, still firmly in his grasp, as he slid off the bed to remove his jeans and underwear, using the hand that had choked me. My head fell backward with the momentum of my arms being pulled forward, and I pleaded with him to stop…to no avail. Instead, he continued to try to converse with me about my extra-marital activities. "You know," he said flatly, "it's a good thing you got in your own car and drove home, Bella." He shoved me back onto the bed and repeated the process of spreading my legs, then settling himself on top of me. He rubbed his erection coarsely forward then backward against my folds, and I hissed in pain; it felt like sandpaper against my very dry center. "Because if you'd gone _home_ with him," he continued, "after you nearly _fucked_ him in the parking garage…" He placed all of his weight on my body, and leaned into my face, running his tongue along my closed, but still trembling mouth. "…well, I honestly don't know what I would do to the both of you." I continued to sob, gasping with every breath. I couldn't believe this was happening. "I _do_ know," he continued as he pressed his open mouth into my neck and sucked, "that it would be his funeral for sure."

At this point, my whole body had gone numb. My head felt like it would explode at any moment, and my thoughts were reeling in my head at a million miles per second. I couldn't believe that I was about to be _raped_ by my husband of ten years. The father of my children had just choked me, threatened to _kill_ me, threatened to kill Edward, and was seconds away from fucking me against my will. I couldn't breathe. The black hole was enveloping me and pulling me under. I couldn't think straight. I couldn't imagine what I could possibly say at this point, to make him stop, and it was overwhelming.

"Jacob _please_," I hiccupped on my sob. "Stop. You're h—hurting me."

"Shhh," he whispered into my ears as he nibbled on my lobe. It made me cringe. His tone had turned eerily tender, and he continued to breathe into my ear. "You did the right thing, Bella, by not spending the night with him. I _know_ you didn't, and I know it's because you'll never leave me."

I gasped again. Suddenly my brain focused on the words he'd just spoken, putting them together with what he'd said just moments before. _It was a good thing that I didn't go home with him…that I drove my own car out of the park…that I didn't spend the night with him._ Realization hit me immediately. He didn't know. He didn't really know everything. _Oh my God._ I felt almost elated. Whatever scumbag he'd had follow me- if it was Sam- didn't even follow me home, or they would have surely seen Edward's car pull into the driveway right after mine. The fucking peeping tom only watched me leave the parking garage and drive in the direction of my house. Why the moron didn't notice Edward's car following my every turn was beyond me, but I didn't give a shit at the moment. Suddenly I was cheering internally at Edward's decision to have me leave my car at the house.

"Bella," Jacob's breath overwhelmed me again, snapping me out of my secret jubilation and reminding me that I had to get him to stop somehow. "Your heart is beating so fast. _I'm_ doing that to you, I know it. Tell me you'll never leave me."

My whirling thoughts suddenly slowed, and I realized what I had to do. Jacob was nothing but a monster to me now, but I knew that I had to feed the monster to satisfy him enough to leave me the fuck alone. "Yes, Jake. You should know I would never leave you. I—I only met with him because I thought he needed to know about the baby." He jerked his face around to mine, and I jumped again involuntarily.

"Did you _tell_ him? And if that's true, then why did you…" his jaw clenched again, "_make out_ with him in the parking garage?" His tone had turned angry again, and it made me nauseous. I chose my words carefully.

"N—no, I didn't tell him. I decided he wasn't worth it, Jake. I—I don't know why I kissed him." I stumbled on my words, because _kissing_ was definitely not all that went on in that parking garage. "I was…I was just missing you so much, and you were m—mean to me on the phone." I reached up and kissed his lips, trying to muster up some counterfeit passion. He jutted his tongue into my mouth, and I fought against my gag-reflex. I broke my lips from his and continued. "I—I just got caught up, Jake. I'm so sorry. It was a mistake. I want you to know that. Please, I l—love you, Jacob. I always will."

He stared at me, motionless, for what seemed like hours. Then he dropped his forehead to my chest and sighed. "I believe you, Bella."

_This is it, _I thought, _I have to get him off me now._ "But Jake, p—please," I pleaded. "I don't want you to make love to me like this. Not tonight, please." He studied me again, suspicious, and I thought I was losing him so I continued. "Let me come to you. Honey, let go of my hands for a minute." He hesitated briefly, but did as I asked, and I inwardly cheered. I reached my left hand up and placed it on his cheek gently as I stared into his deep brown eyes. "I love you," I said, and tears pooled in mine, blurring my vision. Not because it was the truth, _how could I love him anymore after this_, but because of what he'd just put me through. I was raging inside, and confused as to how anyone that claimed to love me could try to hurt me so badly, both mentally and physically. He had threatened to _kill_ me.

"Will you come to me?" He asked, and I nodded.

"I promise. Just…I'm so tired, Jake. I need some sleep, please."

He nodded and kissed my forehead, eliciting a silent cringe from me. "Ok, Bells. I'm not really all that tired, so uh, I'm gonna go watch some TV for a while." _Thank fucking God._

"Ok," I smiled weakly. "But quietly okay? I don't want you to wake the twins."

"Of course," he responded, and lifted his naked body off mine. I breathed a sigh of relief as he pulled his underwear and jeans back on, and then leaned over me one last time, leaving an open-mouth kiss on my cheek. "You get some rest, sweetheart. We'll talk tomorrow."

"Okay," I choked out, hoping he wouldn't detect the sob that was threatening to overwhelm me again. He then reached over and flicked the lamp off. The room was blanketed in darkness again, and I heard him pad out of the room, shutting the door behind him with a light click.

I just lay there- in the middle of the bed- where I'd come within seconds of being brutally violated, stunned for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, the gravity of the situation took hold of me, and I could no longer contain myself. I flipped over on the bed, buried my head in a pillow, and screamed as loud as I could, but my own ears could barely even hear the muffled sound. My shoulders shook violently as the sobs strangled me again, and I gripped the pillow with all the strength I had left in my good hand. I couldn't stop. All I could think about was Edward, and Jacob's terrifying words echoed through my head. _'It would be his funeral, for sure.'_ I coughed and hiccupped into the pillow until my lungs were burning, and I felt as if I had no breath left. This was my fault. _Mine. _I had asked Edward to meet me at the park. A public place where anyone could have seen us…and someone _had_ fucking seen us. _Oh Christ_, how could I have been so stupid? Now, my _husband_ had someone following me…someone that I _used_ to call a friend. How could I trust anyone anymore?

I slid myself off the bed and crumbled to my knees on the floor. My muscles had been clenched for so long, that they were completely spent. I was able to, slowly, get back up onto my feet and steadied myself as I sighed harshly, and padded lightly to the dresser. I felt my way around the pitch-black room, too terrified to turn on the light. Finally, I reached the dresser and pulled out an intact pair of panties, slipped the ripped ones off, and nudged them under the bed with my foot; I didn't even want to fucking look at them. I then pulled the new ones on. I almost lost control again as I felt the pain from the bruises that had, no doubt, already begun to form on my inner thighs, as well as the stinging of my left wrist as I pulled them up. I slowly and carefully opened the bedroom door and took a deep breath before I crept down the hall and to the stairs, praying he wouldn't hear me.

He was out cold, asleep on the couch, and for a split second, I thought about tiptoeing to the kitchen, getting the butcher knife from the block, and slitting his goddamned throat. I stood over him, seething for mere seconds before I snapped out of it, and took myself immediately back to the master bedroom, shut the door silently behind me, and locked it. _Oh God, the kids._ I thought to myself. For all I knew, he could have been acting as well. He could have decided to pack them in his truck before I woke up in the morning, and leave me…here alone…never to see them again. I started to panic, staring at the bedroom door, not knowing my next move. _I could go in and get them…bring them in the locked room with me. He'd have to beat down the door to get in,_ I thought, but then argued with myself. _No, if I wake them up, they will not be quiet, and they're light sleepers. They would wake him up and then I'd be completely fucked. Fuck!_ I didn't know what to do, and I started to pace, my body trembling again.

I finally decided that the best option was just to say in the bedroom- door locked- and _not_ sleep. I couldn't go to sleep and risk him taking my babies away. He'd just proved to me that he wasn't above murdering me, so I had to try to be smarter than him. If that meant staying up and waiting for the sun, then so be it. I walked mindlessly through the bathroom and to the closet. I flipped the light on and dug in the hamper for my _Bears_ hoodie. When I found it, I held it to my face. It still smelt like Edward, and I sucked in as much of him as I could before slipping it over my head. It wasn't a scent that Jacob would've been able to detect, but it was definitely Edward's scent, and if I couldn't have him, I would take whatever part of him I could get tonight.

Wincing in pain, I slipped on a pair of track pants, and as I walked back through the bathroom, having not bothered to turn the closet light out, I caught my reflection in the mirror. _God, there were already bruises forming around my throat._ I gasped, pulling my collar up so that I couldn't see them anymore, then sighed heavily again, tears spilling over my eyelids onto my cheeks as I crawled back onto the bed and stared into the black space. The pain in my chest was overwhelming, and my heart felt like it had been shattered into tiny shards of cold glass as I glanced at my cell phone and realized that I _had_ to protect him. I couldn't subject him to the monster I was subjected to tonight. Who knew what he had in store when he'd gloated to me that he'd helped ruin our relationship before, and he could do it again if he needed to. The monster that I never knew existed in my husband, who was at one time, the most wonderful man. The man who saved me from myself all those years ago- or so I thought- had now threatened to take my life. _I was going to be a fucking prisoner in my own house._ I absolutely had to protect Edward, and now aware of what Jacob was potentially capable of, I picked up my cell phone with a trembling hand.

I pressed the message button and stared at the blank screen for at least ten minutes before I exhaled sharply, and choked as my sobs reappeared. "Fuck, Edward, I'm so, _so_ sorry," I whispered aloud, and then began to type. I typed…and deleted at least ten messages to him before I finally got the courage to press the send button.

My thumb hovered over it, protesting against my brain, which was commanding it to press _send_. The screen of my phone was so blurry from the tears that were in my eyes, that I could barely see what I'd typed. I blinked repeatedly, each tear that was squeezed out replaced by another immediately, but finally I was able to see it clearly enough to read over it.

_Edward, I'm so sorry. Please understand, I can't see you on Friday. I can't see you ever or he'll KILL me…he said he would kill you too. I'm so sorry. This can't be. We can't do this. If you got hurt, I would never forgive myself. I don't know what else to say except…I love you, more than you'll ever know. ~B_

I clasped my hand over my mouth and let out a strangled sob before I pressed the send button, quickly deleted the sent message, and powered my phone off. There was no way I could handle getting a message back from him. _No way_. _Not tonight_. _Not ever. _Dear God, I hoped it wouldn't be _never_.

XXXX

_***A/N: *ducking* Okay, before you curse me out…things will get better, I promise! Just not for a little while. I'm sorry to say that this won't be the worst thing Jacob comes up with, and so you might want to save your pitch-forks and torches for later. ;) I want to know what you think of this…and Docward wants some house-calls, so get to reviewing, people! Remember how Bella described her marriage as a roller-coaster ride. Well, buckle up for the next chapter…**_

_**I want to thank from the bottom of my heart, all my readers and supporters of this story. It's been a rough road for me and I've learned so much from all my readers, betas, reviewers. So thank you! I can't tell you how good it feels to see how many of you are adding it to your favorites or marking it for story alerts. It's like Christmas when I get those emails daily. If you love the story (even if you like it a little) please pass it along to your friends. Please review as well…those are like Christmas BONUS to me! I love all my readers…even the phantoms, but if you review, I'll love you even more!**_


	32. Chapter 30 Thinking Out Loud

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past**

**Chapter 30, "Thinking Out Loud" ~ Leslie Roy**

Bella's pov continued

_****A/N: First and foremost, my betas, Love of Escapism and Sweetishbubble, are utterly amazing! I love you girls! *sigh* I know I have 'CCD' compulsive comma disorder…admitting it is the first step, right? You ladies correct my idiotic mistakes over and over, and I love you for it! THANK YOU, to my fabulous readers! Seeing newbies almost everyday, adding this as one of your favorites and requesting alerts makes my heart swell! And, FINALLY, I made it over the 100 reviews mark! WOOHOO! You are truly wonderful. A couple of newbie mentions…*Irish Charm*- thank you for reviewing relentlessly. (expect a house call from the good doctor soon *wink*) *kismit1496*- I hope you keep reading…the clusterfuck continues! **_

_**Having said all that, and having confirmed that this chapter actually made one of my betas cry…I guess it's safe to say, get the tissues ready. Please hang in there, everyone. Things are really ugly for Bella right now, and her emotions are out of control. I know you want to kill Jacob, but things will get better. Not for at least another chapter or two, but I'll try to give you a little fluff in 33. Deal? Ok, buckle up…please keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times…the rollercoaster is departing!**_

Song Link, Thinking Out Loud: .com/watch?v=FuUxXkKrPQ0

_**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended and there is no financial gain by myself for this story.. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. Stephenie Meyer owns everything Twilight…including my overbearing obsession. I do however, own this Docward…if you want a house call, you know what to do. **_©2009/2010 WickedCurveBall74/RobsMyEdibleArt, All rights reserved worldwide.

XXXX

"_I've been losing my mind…been living a lie,_

_I've been running away…for so long,_

_I try to put on a face…and cover my heart,_

_But I'm needing it now…so bad,_

_I don't know…how I feel,_

_Maybe I'm mad…or maybe I'm proud,_

_Can't find the truth…can't speak my mind,_

_Don't know what I'll say…I'm just thinking out loud,_

_Thinking out loud,_

_No, no I can't explain…what's happened to me,_

_I feel like I'm right…and wrong,_

_Inside everything's upside down…everything's spinning around,_

_And it's freaking me out,_

_I don't know…how I feel,_

_Maybe I'm mad…or maybe I'm proud,_

_Can't find the truth…can't speak my mind,_

_Don't know what I'll say…I'm just thinking out loud,_

_If only for a day…I could be free,_

_I bet you'd feel the same…if you were me,_

_I'm gonna spit it out…just let go,_

_I've been losing my mind….I've been living a lie,_

_I've been running away…for so long,_

_I don't know…how I feel,_

_Maybe I'm mad…or maybe I'm proud,_

_Can't find the truth…can't speak my mind,_

_Don't know what I'll say…I'm just thinking out loud,_

_I'm thinking out loud…thinking out loud,_

_Can't find the truth…can't speak my mind,_

_Don't know what I'll say…I'm just thinking out loud."_

XXXX

By the time seven am rolled around, I had a raging headache the size of the Grand Canyon, and I felt like the undead. I hadn't moved from the spot where I had been sitting on the bed in at least three fucking hours, and my ass was all but completely numb. My eyes were swollen and my cheeks felt like they'd be perpetually stained from the continuous flow of tears that had never seemed to relent. I didn't know what the day would bring, but I _did_ know that I hadn't heard so much as a peep from outside the still locked master bedroom door. That was a good sign. That meant that _the monster_ was still asleep, as well as the twins.

I didn't have time to revisit in my head what had happened just a few short hours ago. I formulated a plan quickly, and then urged my protesting muscles to move. "Jesus fucking _Christ_!" I groaned to myself in a whisper as I began to slide what felt like my own corpse off the bed. I could feel myself becoming dizzy as all the blood rushed from my upper body to my legs and feet, which began to throb instantaneously as I stood. The carpet felt prickly to my sensitive skin, and it took me a few seconds to get the message transferred from my brain to my lower appendages that I needed them to move, and move quickly. The former seemed to be complying as I put one foot in front of the other; however, moving quickly was going to be a challenge. It seemed that lack of sleep, plus psychotic husband equaled _Bella's moving in slow-fucking-motion today._

Nontheless, I had only minutes before the twins would inevitably spring to life and begin their daily routine. _Calm_ was a word they normally didn't recognize in the morning and their antics were typically strident enough to wake the dead. I had to perform miracles this morning. I had to get them ready quickly and quietly, somehow bribe them to leave their father alone- maybe with a gourmet breakfast at some greasy fast-food place- and get them out the door before the sleeping _beast_ stirred.

I trudged through the bathroom to the closet and scanned my clothes before settling on a pair of worn out Levi's button-flies, and a thick black turtleneck. _Black_, I thought, _perfect color_. I winced in pain as I struggled to pull the hoodie off my torso- which felt like one enormous fucking bruise- but, before I stuffed it back down into the hamper, I brought it to my nose and inhaled deeply filling my lungs with Edward's incredible scent. I fought the lump that was trying to force its way back into my throat as I thought of him and the disparaging text I'd sent him out of desperation.

I felt like such a fucking drama-queen, realizing that he was probably panicking himself, and dreadfully attempting to get a hold of me. At least I selfishly _hoped_ he was trying to get a hold of me, but then again, maybe I didn't.

I slung my clean clothes over my left forearm and hissed as the rough material of my jeans came in contact with my wrist. Glancing down at it, I noticed the conspicuous bracelet of black and blue, and rage-filled tears pooled in my eyes.

"_Oh God! Please, Jake, stop! You're going to break my wrist!"_ My memory screamed at me as I felt his tight grip again on my wrist, and remembered how he'd seemed to dismiss his actions so coldly.

I blinked the tears away, berating myself. There was no time for this shit, so I sauntered into the bathroom. I nervously flicked on the light, and was horrified by what I saw in the mirror.

I gasped as I took inventory of the bruises sprawling across my upper body. Although my stomach and ribs were sore, the pale skin there seemed unaffected. My eyes focused on the trail of purple marks that linked their way around my neck. I moved my hair out of the way, noting the perfect thumb and fingerprint marks toward the back of my neck, and on each side. I exhaled harshly as my eyes traced the skin down to the inside of my upper arms. "Oh my God," I whispered as the discolored skin fiercely stared back at me from the mirror…the exact same size as Jacob's forearms.

"_He may think you're his, but he's got no idea who he's messing with."_ I shuddered as the feeling of his weight was once again suffocating me. _"You are my wife. Mine! And I will never let you go."_

I took another deep breath, tears once again pooling in my eyes, as I slipped my track pants off and let them hit the floor silently. The sight I beheld made me drop my clean clothes onto the floor with a light thud. I immediately cupped my hand over my mouth in shock. "_Jesus_, what did he do to me?" I whispered into my hands as I ran my eyes over the massive black and blue splotches covering the insides of my thighs.

"_I told you to shut the fuck up. You so much as try to scream, and I will choke the life out of you." _I squeezed my eyes shut, but the images still came in waves. Jacob on top of me…his had firmly around my throat…his massive knee shoving my legs apart. _"Oh God, Jacob please don't…Please, I'm begging you n—not to do this."_ I was terrified again, as the feral growl of his voice resonated through my mind. _"I'm going to give you the best sex you've ever had tonight, Bella. I'm going to screw your brains out…show you how a real man takes care of his wife, and when I'm through with you…you'll never want anyone else, ever again_._"_

I opened my eyes and stared at my bruised body, frozen by the sight of it, and stunned tears spilled their way over my eyelids again. Finally, I blinked them away and shook my head. _Pull yourself together and get the kids to school now!_ _There's no time to be crying about this shit right now._

I heeded my own command as I quickly, but painfully, pulled my clothes on. I splashed water on my face- which was frightening in and of itself- and brushed my teeth. I ran a comb through my matted hair and pulled it back into a loose ponytail, effectively smoothing down the fly-aways. I then padded to the door of the bedroom and cringed as I slowly turned the lock with a click; the sound resonated through my ears. I held my breath as my trembling left hand turned the knob silently and pulled the door open just a crack. Listening intently, I heard nothing for a few seconds until the familiar and welcomed sound of Jacob's snoring filled the air. I breathed a heavy sigh of relief and swung the door open quickly making my way into Robby's room first. He would be the most cooperative, the least cranky at being awaken abruptly, and the quickest to get dressed and ready.

My little angel was still fast asleep as I leaned over him, taking in his precious little face for a few seconds. I could see only hints of his father in him as he slept…his deep set eyes, his thick head of hair- although my color- styled just like his daddy's, his thick but perfectly set eyebrows, and the dimple in his chin.

I smiled.

He was so beautiful…and innocent…and _nothing_ like his father.

I tickled his nose with mine to wake him up gently, and then planted tiny kisses all over his little face. He groaned and stretched, and then his eyes fluttered open. My breath caught as his milk chocolate, with the slightest speckle of blue eyes focused on mine.

"Mommy," he said in his gruff, sleepy voice. "It's not time to get up yet."

I giggled and whispered back to him, "Yes, baby. I'm sorry, but we've got to get to school."

"You look sleepy, Mom," he said a little too loudly, now fully awake. I shushed him, but cringed inwardly as I realized just how frightening I must look to him. I playfully explained that I was sleepy because it was so early, that maybe his school should start later, and he agreed. I further explained how _Daddy_ was even more tired than Mommy was, and we needed to let him sleep…_it off_, I continued in my own head…so I needed him to be as quick and quiet as a ninja so not to wake him. He nodded.

"If you do that Robby, we'll get some breakfast at McDonalds on the way to school, okay?"

He rubbed his tummy, and whispered, "Yum!" Then he dramatically tiptoed into the shared Jack and Jill bathroom to brush his teeth.

I sighed. Little miss _baby bear_ was next, so I headed to her room through the bathroom.

I was in awe of her as soon as I walked in. She looked like a vision…a miniature angel clutching her princess doll, and lying in a cloud of her pink and purple cotton comforter. Her lashes were so long that they brushed the middle of her cheeks, and her perfect little mouth was puckered as she dreamed pleasantly. That was her father's mouth, without a doubt. She, unlike Robby, was almost his clone, but with much prettier and feminine features, of course. She had his plump nose, his russet skin-tone, and the same shade of nearly coal black hair. She also possessed his deep chocolate eyes, although hers weren't as deep set, they were a little farther apart, like mine. However, she did, like her twin brother, share Jacob's dimpled chin.

She was also beautiful…and innocent…and I prayed that she would someday make wiser choices in men than _I_ had.

My heart ached as I looked at her, for both her and for Robby. _How did these two beautiful children have such fucked up parents? A mother that longs for another man, and a father that resorts to strangling and nearly raping his wife._ I took a deep breath and blinked away the silent, godforsaken tears, then repeated my process of gently waking her as I did with Robby using soft kisses and nose tickles. I didn't get quite the same quiet reception as I had with her brother.

"Mmm!" she grumbled as her perfectly arched eyebrows furrowed. She flipped herself over onto her stomach, burying her head in the pillow.

"Krissy," I said musically and just above a whisper. "Come on baby girl, it's time to get up."

"_No!_" Her whine was muffled in her pillow.

I kept on with the gentle approach. "Honey, Robby's already up and we have to go."

"_Mmm!_" she grumbled again before sitting herself up and swinging her legs off the side of the bed. She scowled at me, kicking her little legs, her tiny toes stretching. She rubbed her dark chocolate eyes and then focused them on me.

She was breathtaking, and I had to stifle a giggle at her aggravated disposition.

"I don't _wanna_ go to school," she whined incessantly. I leaned down, kissing her forehead.

"Baby, we have to be extra quiet this morning, okay?" She looked at me puzzled. "Your daddy is very, _very_ tired…" I stressed the word. "And we need to let him sleep."

"Daddy?" Her eyes lit up, and I felt a hint of nausea and conflict about the man she saw versus the man _I_ now did. "But I want to _see_ Daddy before school," she continued to whine.

I sighed. I knew this in particular was going to be my greatest challenge this morning. _Bribery_. The word flooded my thoughts, and I proceeded to tell her that if she let him sleep, we would go to McDonald's for breakfast. I held my breath as she contemplated for a moment, then reluctantly agreed.

XXXX

I had them out the door and loaded into the car by seven-thirty, as Jacob continued to snore on the sofa. Thankfully, neither of them asked why he was there, they just gave him a puzzled look as I ushered them quietly out the door.

The school was a mere ten minutes away, and didn't start until eight, so there was plenty of time for the familiar argument as to what they wanted from McDonald's.

"Good morning, Mrs. Black." Their sweet, young teacher eyed me cautiously. I was sure she was somewhat alarmed by the ragged appearance of my face, as well as my multi-colored casted hand.

_Oh, you have no idea,_ I thought as I greeted her back. "Please, Miss Wolfe, call me Bella."

She smiled. "Well, please call me Vanessa then, Bella." She paused a beat, and then continued, "I'm surprised to see you this morning. I figured Ja—err—Mr. Black would be bringing the kids, like he did last week." She glanced at my cast, then back to me. "It can't be easy on you to drive with that."

"My daddy's asleep on the sofa!" Krissy's shrill voice almost interrupted her teacher, and I was fucking mortified.

"Um…" I placed my hand on Krissy's precious little head, wanting to squeeze it, as Miss Wolfe…_Vanessa_…raised her eyebrows, looking from my daughter to me. "His flight got in really late. Business trip. It was a long night for him, and he's really good about not waking me," I lied through clenched teeth.

"Oh." She chuckled. "No need to explain anything to me, Bella. I'm like _half-monster_ if I don't get all the sleep I need."

Yeah, I wondered how many times my husband had flirted with her cute little ass.

I kissed the kids goodbye, and trudged back to my car with trepidation. When I slammed the door shut, I pulled out my cell phone and stared at it. In all honesty, I was terrified to turn it on. I was afraid of what I would find…or _wouldn't_ find. I knew in my heart that Edward would be, at the very least, concerned about me, but based on the recent animosity I'd noticed- even when he tried to hide it- pouring off him at the mention of Jacob, he could very well have been in full panic mode. I wouldn't have been surprised if he'd called in the National _fucking_ Guard to find me.

_Christ_. Part of me didn't want to hear from him at all. Based on the condition of my body at the moment, and the nightmarish images of Jacob transformed into a monster last night, I knew as much as it hurt, I _had_ to protect Edward. The problem was that Edward was not afraid of Jake in the least, and my gut told me that he probably wouldn't shy away from a confrontation of any magnitude. I knew Edward was almost impossible to beat in a fight, but something told me that Jake wouldn't fight fair.

_Edward could get hurt…or worse._

Shaking my head, I refused to let myself acknowledge the ominous thought. I pulled out of the parking lot, and sighed heavily as I powered my phone on. The damned thing took forever to start up, so I impatiently tossed it into my purse and attempted to focus on the road in front of me. My unremitting mind continued to play last night's/this morning's unbearable images on a loop. Jacob's portentous threats echoing. _His funeral…his funeral…his funeral. God,_ I didn't even want to see him, to interact with him in any way. Not today…never again, but that was a mute point. I _had_ to interact with him…more so, I had to _act_ with him, until I was strong enough to be on my own.

I didn't necessarily want to be alone today, though. I felt desperate for the safety net of Alice, or even Angel to help me clear my clouded head.

"Oh shit, it's Monday!" I said to myself aloud, as I suddenly realized that today was the day my new _employee_, Leah, was to start, and she was supposed to be at my house in just about ten minutes.

_I can't do this right now_, I thought, and reached into my purse for my phone. My heart leapt at the sight of the _new messages_ symbol at the top of my home screen, but then fell immediately after. I ignored it, and located Leah's cell number she'd left with me on Friday. Dialing her number quickly, I hoped to catch her before she was actually at my house ahead of me.

"Leah?" _Thank God she answered._ "It's Bella Swa…um…Black. Listen, I know this is super short notice, but would it be totally out of the question to postpone your start day until tomorrow? Just…some things have come up today. I'm so sorry. I'll…" I paused, cringing. "…even pay you for today." As if I needed to do that. I was trying to save some money and gain some more independence, not spend it blindly.

Thankfully, she agreed and I ended the call as quickly as it had begun, not wanting her to catch the dejection in my voice. Afterward, my eyes naturally, but disobediently, darted to the two icons that were glaring back at me…calling to me like a beacon in the night…the _message_ and _missed calls_ icons.

Before I realized it was too late, my thumb had taken it upon itself to press the _call log_ icon, and I nearly ran off the road. I quickly scrolled down and tallied them. Unbeknownst to me, Edward had not called me once or twice, but six…_six_ fucking times. The last one wasn't a half an hour ago. I felt the familiar tightening in my chest as my lungs attempted to shut down on me once again. So in order to avoid a head-on collision brought on by my own anxiety, I swerved into the parking lot of a nearby shopping mall and screeched my car to a halt.

I noticed once my vision cleared, that not only did I have missed calls, but I also had a voicemail, or voicemails. Who knew how many. I sighed and closed my eyes tightly, then blinked rapidly before I highlighted the text message icon and pressed _OK_. I gasped. _One…two…three_, I quickly ran through them, trying my best to avoid the actual words he'd typed in fury. _Nine…ten…eleven…twelve._ I ran my hand over the top of my head, roughly and obsessively smoothing back the hair I had pulled into a pony tail as I gave in to my impulses and skimmed through his frantic texts. The first one was merely inquisitive.

_Bella. What's going on?_

The second one came minutes later, when I hadn't responded.

_Bella! Talk to me._

They became more frantic as I read through them, and my breathing began to quicken.

_Bella please! _

_What did he do?_

There were so many, I could barely focus, and they began to blur into one another.

_Bella, text me back, please! _

Then another.

_You're starting to scare me, baby!_

And another, again more frantic.

_Did he hurt you? Bella please, I need to hear from you! Fuck! You're scaring the shit out of me now._

The last two were reminiscent of a worried parent desperately trying to reach their rebellious teen.

_If you don't text me back right now…_

And finally the last one.

_That's it! I'm calling you. I don't give a fuck if he's there._

"Shit," I muttered to myself as I glared at the voicemail icon, willing myself _not_ to press it; knowing that if I did, the chances of keeping myself from talking to him, and keeping him safe would be slim to none. My heart betrayed me, urging my thumb onward, and I did it anyway. Luckily, he'd only left me one message. Hearing his voice at all in the state I was in would prove excruciating, let alone six times. Still this left me with little comfort as I inhaled deeply and held it, waiting with trepidation for his panic to reach through the phone and seize me. After all, he _had_ called me six times, one immediately after the other, and apparently had hung up five times before that. His anguish was evident.

_What had I put him through?_

"Bella…" He sighed heavily into the phone, and I let out a rush of breath instantaneously at the beseeching sound. "Why aren't you answering me? _Please_, baby. I—I need to know that you're okay. Fuck! I need to know that you're still _breathing_." His voice was low, but desperate, and he seemed to be speaking through clenched teeth as he choked out the next sentence. "_God_, this is so fucking ridiculous. _I'm_ ridiculous." It sounded as though he was addressing himself, and I shuddered. I pictured his face…the sharp line prominent between his furrowed brow, his emerald eyes glistening with anguish and concern as he searched fruitlessly for an answer, and his chiseled jaw taut with worry. I pictured his perfect lips moving quickly, then pressing together tightly as he contemplated the words he conveying into my dead cell phone.

I felt another strangled sob rip through my chest and up through my burning throat as I gripped the phone mercilessly.

"I should've never let you go home, Bella. I _should've_ made you get your things…your k—kids, and just fucking stay with me. Fuck him!" he blurted in anger, almost unwittingly, and I gasped. "Bella, if…_oh God_, if you're not ok, I swear to Christ I will _kill_ him. Even if you are, I just, I—I don't know."

Then his voice seemed to soften and turned to pleading once again. "I know you're ok, _I know it_. Just…please get a hold of me somehow. I need to hear your voice. _I need it._ I'm begging you. Don't let this happen…d—don't let him do this to you. I fucking love you so much, and…_fuck_." I heard him clear his voice. "If you don't want…to see me, it's okay. Just right now, I need to make sure you're alright."

The message ended and I was paralyzed. I couldn't move, and as the computerized voice on the other end of the line continued to question me on whether I wanted to keep or discard the message, I began to shake. I hit the _end_ button blindly, dropped the phone into my lap, and slammed the palm of my hand into my forehead repeatedly. "Stupid, stupid, stupid!" I berated myself. _How could I be so ignorant as to send him a text like that? How? He thinks I'm dead…or worse, that I don't want to see him. _Of course, neither of these things were true, but I needed to let him know somehow.

I took several deep breaths, trying to collect my thoughts and figure out how I could soften the intensity of what I'd been through before the sun had come up this morning. No way, in a million hells, could I have allowed him to see me like this…bruised and worn to nothing. _Maybe I could tell him I had a dream, a nightmare…based on my previous concerns I'd voiced to him about Jacob's capabilities to ruin me?_ It would've been a half-truth; it _was_ a nightmare, a living one, and Jacob's _capabilities_ had gone far beyond my own stretch of imagination, but it was worth a shot. That wouldn't explain why I turned my phone off, but then again, he knew that if Jake was home, I wouldn't have risked it. Was it fair to make him think he was over-reacting? _It doesn't matter_, I corrected myself, _you have to make him think it's nothing._

I picked up my phone and held my breath, shook my head and willed myself to dial his number. My stomach was fluttering, but he needed to know that I was- in his words- 'still breathing.' Just as I was beginning to press the keys, my phone began to ring, blaring "you are the best thing…" and my fucking heart stopped. I squinted at the screen. It was Angela. _Angela?_ She never called me this early in the morning. Suddenly, my problems were eclipsed by the possibility that something could've been wrong with her…with the baby, so I answered quickly.

"Angela?" I asked hastily.

"Bella! Thank God!" she quipped.

"What's wrong? Are you ok? Is something wrong with the baby?" I blurted, now definitely concerned.

"What? No! Why? Why would you think that?"

"Because it's barely eight a.m., and you never call me before you've had at least four cups of coffee…and _never _this early."

She sighed, "Well, I don't drink coffee anymore, being pregnant…add that to the list of shit I can't have, and I was worried as _hell._ Jesus, I thought you were dead or something, Bella!"

"What?" I interrupted.

"I'm so fucking glad you're not," she continued, her voice riddled with intense relief. "But, Bella, are you okay?"

My wretched brain wasn't quite following. "Angela, what the hell are you rambling about? I'm totally fine," I lied once again to my best friend.

"Then would you mind enlightening me," she began again, sounding a bit on the annoyed side, "as to why in the godforsaken _hell_…" She paused. "I would get a call at seven o'clock in the morning…" She kept hesitating, and I was beginning to get a little annoyed that she couldn't just spit it out, but then again, I started to freak out a little too. "…from Edward-fucking-Cullen…" _Oh my God_. My hands went numb. "…panicking and rambling something about how worried he was about you, and that you needed help, and would I _please_ call you to make sure you were alright. Make sure nothing had _happened_ to you? What the _fuck_?"

I couldn't speak. My voice was paralyzed, until I managed to mumble an almost inaudible "oh shit."

"Mm-hmm," she mused. "Maybe you could explain to me why a man that I haven't spoken to in a million years is calling _me_, freaking out about _you_, if you say you are totally and completely fine?"

I answered with an exasperated sigh.

"Bella?" She pause a beat again. "B, I think we need to talk."

XXXX

I pulled into my driveway and stared at the front door a beat, hoping maybe he was still asleep. After Angela had basically accosted me on the phone- again, as if I was a rebellious child, and I'd agreed with her that _yes_ we needed to talk- I'd asked her to please call Edward back. It was a cowardice thing to do, I knew that, but I needed him to know I was okay. I was painfully aware that I couldn't feasibly talk to him in my current state of mind. This required some begging on my part, but she finally agreed with skepticism, and we made plans to get together a little later. Actually, I requested to go over to her house as soon as possible this morning, as I didn't want to stay in the house longer than I had to with Jake. I also asked her if she could pick me up. She immediately sensed that something was awry, but then I made the excuse that my hand was bugging me, and it was a bit of a pain in the ass to drive with a cast. She changed her tune and agreed to pick me up around ten a.m.

Although she knew a little bit about what had gone on between Edward and I the night I injured my hand, she had no idea of the extent I'd gone with him later. I felt the familiar nagging dread wash over me. While we were almost as close as sisters, I was still unsure of how she would react. She was usually fairly straight-laced about this sort of thing. _But_, she- like Alice, and seemingly everyone else- had observed my marriage, and Jake's attitude toward me deteriorate.

My stomach was a rumble of nerves and this was only heightened by the fact that as I walked through the house, I noticed that Jake was no longer on the sofa. I tried to ignore this fact as I meandered through, dragging my feet to the kitchen and placed my purse on the counter. My sleepless night was already beginning to take it's toll on me, and the walls in my normally spacious home began to feel like they were closing in on me.

I had forgotten to power my phone off, and was reminded of this fact rather viciously as it suddenly began to blare from my purse. "Shit!" I whispered as I rummaged desperately, locating it and answering swiftly.

"Alice, I'll have to call you back."

"What the _fuck_, Bella? Do you know who just called me? Edward! Edward just fucking called me, Bella!"

"Fuck," I muttered again. "Alice." My tone was barely above a whisper, "I can't talk right now. I'll call you back." I gritted my teeth and closed my eyes tightly.

"Well, I'm glad you're alright!" She sounded annoyed, but as relieved as Angela was. "Edward didn't seem to think so."

_Damn it, Edward._ I was starting to get a little perturbed that he had taken in upon himself to contact my sister and best friend, and send them into the same panic I'd sent him into. Then again, it was completely my fault. _I know that._

"I'm sorry, Al, I know. I'll call you back, kay?" I replied tensely.

"Ok, you better, and _soon_." She hung up and I immediately turned my phone off, then stared at it for a second in a daze.

"Who was that?"

I jumped and spun around to see Jacob standing behind me, eyes inquisitive but without the angry, feral glare he'd possessed last night.

"Just Alice," I answered cautiously, then seemed to get my bearings about me and rolled my eyes. "Being annoying as usual."

"Oh," he responded, and smiled lightly. His eyes darkened a bit as he searched my face. "You look tired." Per his tone, he seemed to be being as careful with me as I was with him.

_Strange._

"I'm okay," I responded weakly. "Just need a shower." I started to walk toward the stairs to make my way to the bedroom, but he reached for me, and I cringed away from him involuntarily. I was positive that there had to have been a look of terror across my features, because he froze, his brow furrowed in what I could only decipher as concern…or maybe remorse? I couldn't be sure.

_Nice,_ I berated myself, _you're acting like a beaten dog!_

"Bella?" he questioned and searched my face again.

I responded by shaking my head slightly, indicating that I didn't want to venture into this particular conversation, and slowing began to back away from him.

"Bells, can I talk to you?"

I halted my careful backward steps, and looked at him questioningly. _What could he possibly have to say that he didn't make perfectly clear while he was on top of me last night?_

He shrugged his shoulders and averted his gaze from mine momentarily before he looked back at me. "I…had, um, this dream…and it sort of scared me a little."

_Dream?_ I thought_, Well, I had a fucking nightmare, but I wasn't asleep_. I wanted to blurt it out, but the fear was still fresh in my mind.

"Oh?" I answered simply.

"Yeah." He dropped his head. "I dreamt that I hurt you…or tried to hurt you. I don't know, it's…it's a little foggy." He looked at me quickly, then back down again. "I, it's just that I, well, I don't really remember coming home last night, and then I woke up this morning on the sofa there…" He pointed, still not looking at me. "And you were gone, and the kids…"

"I took them to school, Jake," I interrupted, still cautious.

_What the fucking fuck? Did he really want me to believe this bullshit about not remembering? _In all of our years together, I couldn't recall a single time he'd suffered from alcohol-induced amnesia. Not one. Either he was beyond plastered last night, which didn't seem likely- seeing as though his speech was not slurred in the slightest- _or_ he felt so fucking bad about what he'd actually done to me, and wasn't man enough to admit it, that he had to make up this _idiocy_.

I was starting to get angry. I really didn't feel like being sucked into his salesman-like charm, so I responded as calmly and as steadily as I could. "Jake." I sighed. "I really need a shower. Uh, Angela is coming to pick me up in a little while, and…" I shrugged, trying to play off the anxiety that was creeping its way through my body again. "I need to get ready."

He tilted his head slightly and looked at me, squinting his eyes with uncertainty. It seemed that he had almost given himself away that he, in fact, had not had a dream but knew full well what he'd done. To my astonishment, however, he blinked quickly and continued his façade.

"What are you two up to today?"

I shrugged. "Girl stuff…baby stuff. So I need to shower, Jake."

He nodded, "Sure, sure." Then he sighed, "I just…I would never want to hurt you, Bella. The dream…it was not like me."

Anger struck me like a lightning bolt. What did he mean he would never _want_ to hurt me? So if he did, it was _my _fault? _I_ forced him to strangle the hell out of me? To fucking _force_ himself on me like a maniac in the middle of the night? Was he trying to make me think I was insane? Make me think _I'd_ dreamed this, or created it in my own head? I reacted before I could think it through and yanked the left sleeve of my shirt up, exposing my black and blue-covered wrist; then I reached up and pulled the turtle neck down as far as the material would allow.

His eyes widened in shock at the confirmation my bruises gave him of the physical damage he'd done to me, and my throat nearly closed as the large lump took residency there again. My chin trembled, and heat flashed across my cheeks. I hoped my eyes conveyed the hurt I felt as I opened my mouth to respond.

"Maybe it wasn't a _dream_, Jake." I choked on my words, and I tried fruitlessly to control the aching in my throat.

He gasped, his eyes darting from my neck to my wrist repeatedly. He closed his eyes and swallowed thickly before focusing again on my neck; then he cringed. "Oh my God, Bells," he whispered. "I _did_ that?"

I looked at him incredulously.

"I really did that." It wasn't a question this time, and I couldn't stop myself from firing at him.

I nodded. "And more, but I'd have to take my clothes off for you to see, _Jake_."

Realization flitted across his face, and I watched it crumple, as if he was about to burst into tears. I was paralyzed with alarm as I watched him. He turned from me and took a few steps before turning back to me, his face riddled with…grief? _Maybe he really did think it was a dream._ If not, he deserved an Oscar for this performance. _God, I was so fucking confused._

He placed both of his palms on the back of his head, burying his face in the crease of his elbows, and took several deep breaths. When he released his head, his chocolate brown eyes were filled with tears, and I remained paralyzed. The godforsaken lump seemed to have closed my throat completely, and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I'd only seen him cry twice. Once at his mother's funeral, and once when the twins were born. Never again until now, and I was beside myself.

"Bells, I'm so…" he started to choke out, and I shook my head, willing him not to say it. He caught himself, and shook his head, swallowing thickly again. "I…don't know what to say here, I…"

"Don't, Jake." I found my voice, if only a mere whisper, and let go of the fabric of my shirt. "Don't say anything. It won't help. Especially not _I'm sorry_." My voice was cracking, and I could feel an unwelcome sob threatening to rip open my chest, and through my resolve.

"But I _am_…sorry." He cleared his throat, obviously trying to stifle the emotion from it, and reached toward me slowly petting my hair, and gently placed his enormous hand on the side of my face.

I held my breath and shook my head repeatedly. "Mm-mm," I responded, looking away from him. I couldn't speak. My throat was closing again.

"Please, Bells." His voice was drenched with emotion, and I snapped my head back to face him, again shocked by what I saw. His shoulders shuddered as tears flowed freely from his eyes, and my jaw dropped open.

He pulled my body flush against his and wrapped his arms around me, pressing his lips to the top of my head. His stomach was trembling, and I could feel his wet tears in my hair as he spoke to me in broken sentences, almost pleading.

"_God_, Bells, I don't know…I can't believe I…I'm such an asshole…I didn't mean to…_please_, I need you."

I pressed my face into his chest and tried to block it out. I didn't want to hear this.

"Bella, I don't know what to do." He choked, squeezing me a little tighter. I tried to focus on his anger last night. What he'd done to me. I thought of Edward, and what Jake had said about him.

"I…I need you to stay with me, Bells. I'm no good without you," he cried.

_Goddamn it!_ After what he'd done to me, I didn't want him anymore, but his pain was killing me…burning me from the inside out. I began to sob into his chest as I recalled the event that forever turned him into a seething monster to me.

"You tried to _rape_ me, Jacob!" I choked, my tears now wetting the front of his shirt. He pulled back to look at me, his hands enveloping my trembling shoulders. He gulped and nodded his head slowly. _He remembered?_ "You tried to rape me," I whispered, shaking my head and looking into his soaked brown eyes.

"I can't believe I did that, Bells," he whispered back, then dropped his hands to his sides and hung his head. He then wiped his eyes furiously, and bent down, eye-level with me. "Listen to me Bella, please." I didn't respond. "I'm so sorry, and I _will_ make it up to you if it takes me 'til the end of time." I shook my head and looked away from him. I felt my face crumpling with anguish. How could I believe him now? "Do you…" he sighed, "do you know how much I love you?"

I stared at him for a moment, unsure of how to respond to that. Finally letting my hurt and resentment take over, I jutted my trembling chin out and shook my head again. "No, Jake. Not anymore."

His face fell more than I thought possible, and crinkled again in pain. "Let me make it up to you, honey. _Please_."

Once again, I answered too quickly. "It's too late for that, Jake."

His brow furrowed and he turned away from me, his whole body trembling. "No it's _not!_" He almost shouted it, and I froze again, fear gripping me. He turned around more calmly and spoke in a low tone through his clenched teeth. "It's not too late for us, Bells."

I suddenly felt dizzy. The room began to spin, and before I could control myself, I had crumbled onto the kitchen floor.

"Bella!" He ran to me and knelt down on his haunches, grabbing my shoulders, and held me up. I began to sob uncontrollably.

"I can't _do_ this anymore, Jake!" I wailed, "I c—can't do this now! I have to go w—with Angela." I hiccupped, and my body shook as he held me, breathing into my hair.

"I know," he said softly, "I'm sorry, sweetheart. I didn't want to upset you like this."

I inhaled deeply, still shaking. "I don't want to talk about it anymore, Jake. I c—can't do it. I just _can't_."

"Okay." He nodded against my head. "It's okay, Bells. We'll talk about it later." He helped me stand, and with wobbly legs, I urged him to let go of me.

_Is he completely out of his mind? Does he not realize that when I said I couldn't do this anymore, I meant him? _

I couldn't be with him anymore. I couldn't handle his insanity anymore. I could no longer live this up and down roller coaster ride of a battle. Not knowing what to expect of him…his feelings for me from one day to the next was too much, and I wanted out. He'd already proven to me, in both a very violent and a very emotional way, that he would never let me go without a fight. He was no longer taking care of me. He was hurting me in every way imaginable, and it was all up to me now. I was bruised on the inside and I was bruised on the outside; I was a phantom of the person I could be…with someone else. I had to be the one to tell him I was…and we were…through. Contrary to his belief, it _was_ too late for us. My fears had been realized; I had been living a lie, and now it was painfully evident, but what I feared most of all was what he would do to me or anyone else that got in his way. Mostly the _anyone else_ part as I thought of Edward, and the menacing words Jake had spoken. _"His funeral."_

Again, I thought of _Romeo and Juliette_. I thought of the distraught Romeo speaking to his dead bride…only I feared it would be _me_ saying it to _Edward_ instead.

"_Death, that hath sucked the honey of thy breath hath had no power yet upon thy beauty."_

I shuddered, and prayed that it wouldn't come to that; then I trudged to the bedroom in a fog.

"Wait," Jacob called from behind me, and I ignored him. "Bells?" I could hear his footsteps following, but he sounded far away. "Bells, wait! You're…you're not going to _tell_ her, are you?"

I shut the door of the bedroom and leaned against it, breathing slowly. I had to remove myself. I had to get ready for my best friend to come and take me away from my hell…if only for a little while.

XXXX

_***A/N Chapter end notes: *hiding under the desk* What? I know! What the hell is Jacob doing? I don't know either. Okay, maybe I do…but what do you think? I can't wait to hear your thoughts on this one! Anyone have any idea how Angela and Alice are going to react to this? I know you guys are dying to hear from Edward, but first we have to hear from B's sis and bestie…up next.**_


	33. Chapter 31 My Skin

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past**

**Chapter 31, "My Skin" ~ Natalie Merchant**

Bella's POV

_***A/N: Alright, all. This is going to be a massively long A/N with a PSA, so sit back and relax. First of all, thank you to my fabulous betas, Sweetishbubble, and Love Of Escapism, for their unbelievable support and ability to help me correct the same fucking things I screw up every chapter without their heads exploding. I am in love with you two ladies! To my fabulous and amazingly loyal readers…I bow to you! You keep the pen in my hand and the unrelenting scenes of this flowing through my brain! *mcamastow*, *Irish Charm*, *dhdirector* & *kismit1496* love the reviews! *Kattie* who knows too much 'cause she works with me but still continues to love my shit and comment…kisses to you baby! New reader shoutouts, *Autumnltd*, *JShay* & *Erinaa* thanks and welcome aboard! Everyone that's passing this along to their friends and giving me more readers…you are amazing! **_

_**OK, I've decided to provide an **__**outtake of Edward's side of the phone conversation with Alice**__**, that you are about to read. I do NOT plan to post it on fanfiction or live journal, at least not for a long while, so it will ONLY be available to those that review! If you wanna read it, review your little booties off! Apparently, ff doesn't like my song links on the chapters. Ugh! So, I'm going to try and post a playlist on my profile sometime soon. Otherwise, what you can do is copy the link and type in www(dot)youtube(dot) in the beginning of the link. **_

_**PSA…Okay, I've had some reviews from folks that are concerned and confused as to why Bella hasn't gone to the police and had Jakes dumb ass thrown in jail. I take my reviews very seriously, so I wanted to try and do a little 'splainin' and hopefully shed some light on where Bella's head is at. First off, Bella is taking on the role of a typical battered wife…hiding her bruises…lying about it…etc.**_ (**Here are a couple of websites I found****when I looked up "battered wife syndrome" on google. If you would like to understand more, please take a look at these. It may help you understand other than my ramblings. **_**.org/wiki/Battered_person_syndrome**__**, **__**.com/states/oregon/or_art02**__**.**_**)**_** Although she's never been "battered" per say in the past, what Jake did was beyond disturbing. Remember, she's been dealing with his head games for quite some time (hence the description of her relationship with him as a "rollercoaster ride") and he's planted a fear in her that is beyond belief. Bella's main fault is that she wants to protect everyone except herself. Also remember that Jake's got her convinced that he had either Sam follow her or another officer of the law, therefore she doesn't trust the Chicago PD in the least anymore. She believes that if she went to them, Sam would have Jacob protected. She feels that any action she takes could lead to her death, or her worst fear, Edward's death. She feels sort of stuck, unsure of herself and most of all, she's confused. She actually loves the asshole (of course not as much as she does Edward) and even though he brutalized her, his pain upon realizing what he'd done was almost too much for her to bear. Trust me, y'all, her family will rake him over the coals about this, and even though he may not go to jail for this right now…his future actions will land him where he belongs, it's inevitable. Hope that helps! Okay, that was a long PSA!**_

_**Having said all that, it's time to prepare yourselves for the reaction of Bella's best friend and sister. It's not going to be a good one.**_

**Song Link, My Skin: .com/watch?v=d1XgsS9CjyI**

_**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended and there is no financial gain by myself for this story. All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. All songs are owned by the respective artists, record companies and labels. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The one and only Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight…and me…and my life…hell, I'd even give her my first born. *sigh* But, she'd ship him back after a day! Lol! **_

XXXX

"_Take a look at my body…look at my hands,_

_There's so much here that I don't understand,_

_Your face-saving promises whispered like prayers_

_I don't need them,_

'_Cause I've been treated so wrong, I've been treated so long,_

_As if I'm becoming untouchable,_

_Contempt loves the silence…it thrives in the dark,_

_With fine winding tendrils that strangle the heart,_

_They say that promises sweeten the blow,_

_But I don't need them…no, I don't need them,_

_I've been treated so wrong, I've been treated so long,_

_As if I'm becoming untouchable,_

_I'm a slow dying flower…frost killing hour,_

_Sweet turning sour, and untouchable,_

_Oh I need the darkness, the sweetness, the sadness, the weakness,_

_I need a lullaby, a kiss goodnight, angel sweet love of my life  
Oh, I need this,_

_I'm a slow dying flower, frost killing hour  
The sweet turning sour, and untouchable_

_Do you remember the way that you touched me before,_

_All the trembling sweetness I loved and adored,_

_Your face saving promises whispered like prayers,_

_I don't need them,_

_I need the darkness, the sweetness, the sadness the weakness,_

_I need this_

_I need a lullaby, a kiss goodnight, angel sweet love of my life_

_Oh, I need this,_

_Is it dark enough? Can you see me? Do you want me? Can you reach me?_

_Oh, I'm leaving,_

_You better shut your mouth and hold your breath,_

_Kiss me now, you'll catch your death,_

_Oh, I mean this."_

XXXX

"You didn't call him back yet?" I was annoyed that Ang hadn't headed my simple, yet complicated request.

She looked at me befuddled. "_No_. I wanted to see you first…to know what I was getting myself into, Bella." I rolled my eyes. "Now, let me look at you," Angela said, eyeing me as I sat across from her on the over-sized love seat. Her dark, shoulder-length straight hair was pulled up into a loose bun, with long tendrils falling around her thin face. Her equally dark eyes, framed by the pink cat-eye glasses she wore, were filled with consideration. "You don't look okay."

I had showered as quickly as I could, given the limited use of my right hand, and had thrown on a clean pair of gray track pants, as well as an over-sized, ancient crimson and gold _Schaumburg High School_ hoodie. I hadn't even bothered to dry my hair, so when I'd left the house I pulled the hood over my head and tied the strings tightly under my chin. Besides the events that had taken place before she arrived, I'd been disturbed by Jacob's attempt at expressing concern for me to my best friend.

"I think she's just really tired, Ang," Jake had replied to her inquiry on how I was doing when she'd come in. This, after he'd greeted her cheerfully and asked for a hug, stating he hadn't seen her in a while. "And she could use some _girl_-time." I heard him as I reached the top of the stairs unnoticed. I'd stopped momentarily to listen.

"Well, she can hang out with me as _long_ as she wants." Angela had answered him pointedly, and I recognized her subtle warning to him not to interrupt the girl-time he thought he was nobly suggesting. He answered with a chuckle and indicated that he would be heading to the office shortly. So I, _of course, _would be responsible for picking up the twins at school later in the day. _Typical._

"I'm…" I started to lie to her again, but sighed heavily. I was defeated and tired of beating around the bush. "…a mess, Ang." I looked at her and shook my head.

She reached over and pulled me into a tight hug, mumbling, "Well, that's an understatement." I turned my face away nonchalantly in order to cringe from the pain her loving gesture caused my inner arms, and tried to pull away without her noticing. I wasn't ready to go there just yet. She pulled back and swept her eyes over my face. "You going to talk to me about it? What's going on, Bella? I mean…" She rolled her eyes. "I know you had that thing with Jake at the bar…with your hand." She ran her fingers over the top of my cast. "By the way, those colors are just _fabulous._" She threw me a sidelong glance and giggled.

I tried to laugh with her, but it didn't feel genuine. "Well, you know the twins ganged up on me, Ang." I raised my eyebrows. "And you know how brutal those two can be."

"Oh yes," she retorted grinning, and then her face fell slightly. "Then there was the _thing_…you know…with _Edward_." She quirked an eyebrow; her expression was laced with curiosity. "So how did things go after we talked on the phone? Which, by the way, we never finished our conversation, now did we?" The smirk that she had developed while thinking of our conversation that day quickly faded when she took in my pained expression.

"Oh Angela. So much has happened. I—I don't even know where to start." I shook my head and averted my eyes from her to the ceiling.

"Well, you're here now," she replied, "and we've got all day, so…remember we talked last week. Monday. You talked about looking for a housekeeper…oh! And you were watching sappy romantic movies." She tapped me on the knee and giggled. "_And_ you were telling me about some fucked up dream you had." She shrugged. "So…start there, and you _better_ not leave out any gory details!" She gave me a pointed glance. I took a deep breath, actually, I took a couple deep breaths and stalled until Angela raised her eyebrows at me and muttered sharply, "_Talk_, Bella."

I started by telling her about my mom's crazy idea that my dream was not a dream at all, and how she'd not so gently informed me that the baby I'd given birth to more than ten years ago was a little girl. Angela's hand slapped over her gaping mouth and she gasped, muttering a breathy "oh my God." I closed my eyes and shuddered thinking about it again, and then continued. I told her how I was convinced that Edward needed to know. Her eyes widened almost to the point of bulging as I explained to her how I'd asked Edward to meet me at the park that day, so that I could drop the proverbial _bomb_ on him.

"But I didn't tell him, Ang. I couldn't." She clutched her chest and breathed out a relieved sigh.

I looked at her incredulously and she ignored me, instead asking, "What made you change your mind?"

I told her about what he'd gone through with his patient, and losing the baby…a little girl who was supposed to be adopted by a loving couple.

"Holy shit!" She winced, the olive skin on her face slightly blanched and I suddenly felt like an asshole.

"Oh, Ang, I'm sorry…you probably didn't need to hear that. It's really rare…it doesn't happen a lot, so don't worry—"

"No, no…it's not that," she interrupted. "It's just that the similarities are just…_wow_." She shook her head. "_Jesus_, poor Edward, but that _must_ have been hard for you to hear about too."

"Um, yeah." I looked at her perplexed, but chose not to delve into what she may have known about my situation that I didn't back then. "But Ang, you don't think I should tell him?"

"Oh jeez, I don't know, B," she said with wide eyes. "I remember it clearly." She blew out a harsh sigh, her cherry cola eyes glistening with the phantom pain the memory caused. My heart cracked slightly. "It was…it was really hard for everyone who loved you."

"I know." I nodded and dropped my head, trying to will the pain away.

"I mean, at one point," she continued, "I would have been all for you telling him, simply to _hurt_ him for what he did to you."

I snapped my head up.

"But now…" She shook her head. "I just don't know. I can see, well, I can kind of tell how you might, maybe still feel something for him, and I just…wouldn't want you to get hurt. You know?"

I nodded and suddenly my emotions got the best of me. I let out a ragged sigh and closed my eyes tightly. "I'm so in love with him, Ang," I choked out, and everything became liquid in my vision as the tortured tears filled my eyes once again.

"Oh _God_, Bella." My best friend reached over to me and wiped my tears away as I gasped for breath. "It's okay." She soothed.

"_No_." I shook my head and sniffed. "It's not okay. It's _not_ okay for me to be in love with a man other than my husband!"

"Come on, B. You two were the ultimate couple. Obviously you'll always have residual feelings for him, and that will never go away. Don't be so hard on yourself."

"No, you don't understand, Ang, I lied to you…on the phone that day."

"What?" She looked confused. "Seriously, B, whatever. I didn't expect you to tell me that. I know you well enough to know that you wouldn't even want to admit that to yourself. You're fucking married for heaven's sake!"

I cringed and held my breath before suddenly blurting out, "Angela, I spent the night with him."

Her jaw dropped open and she stared at me briefly before quickly snapping her mouth closed, and then furrowed her brow in confusion. "Wait. What? When? The night you went to the hospital? But you…Oh, _that's_ what you lied about?"

I shook my head, not knowing for sure if I should indulge, but it was already too fucking late. She knew something was going on, so I told her about my Saturday night with Edward. Every. Awkward. Insane. Amazing. Sexy. Loving. Beautiful detail. By the time I was finished recounting, she was leaning back against the cushions with a far away look in her eyes.

"Ang, say something," I muttered. This seemed to snap her out of her reverie, and she shook her head.

"Oh, um…" Then conflict flitted across her features and she wrung her hands together.

_Fuck_. I felt nauseous, and braced myself for whatever she was about to respond with.

"So let me get this straight," she started gingerly. "You left your car at your own house. You rode with him to his…and you stayed with him…all night…and you had _sex_ with him…more than once…and he sang to you."

_Jesus_, she was merely recounting all I'd told her, but it all sounded so…so _wrong_ when she said it. I dropped my head into my hands and sighed. "Angela," I said avoiding eye contact, "I know you don't understand. I don't expect you to." Her expression was unreadable as I glanced up at her, then back down at my hands, so I continued to ramble. "I mean, _Jesus_, I –I understand what it's like to be cheated on. I—I should be appalled at my behavior. I understand if you are. I'm fucking married and…" My voice started to crack. "I b—broke my vows. I know I shouldn't even be okay with what I did."

"Are you?" she asked, "Okay with what you did?"

I paused for several excruciating seconds before I looked at her again. Her expression was still unreadable, and it was killing me. I wished she would just come out with it and tell me what the fuck she was thinking. Finally, I answered her by nodding my head slowly.

"Well, there you have it," she replied. Her tone was surprisingly light.

I looked at her dubiously. I was skeptical, however, and felt an urge to explain. "Ang, I'm not trying to make excuses. Really there _is_ no excuse, other than it just felt _right_, as fucking ridiculous as that sounds, but…but you don't know the things Jake has done." I pressed my lips together in a hard line.

"Are you kidding me?" She eyed me. "I told you I've watched him become a total dick to you." She sighed. "Bella, it's okay." She smiled in a way only Angela could, and to be honest, I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders. I fought a lump in my throat as she continued, "You should know by now that I'll never judge you. You're one of the most beautiful, caring and compassionate people I know." The lump threatened to strangle me again, and my bottom lip began to tremble. Her eyes glistened as she kept soothing me with her words. "I love you as if you were my own flesh and blood, Bella. I—I have no choice but to support my best friend. B, I'll stand by you until one of us is _dead_."

I grabbed her into a tight hug as I chuckled through my tears. "Gross, Ang!"

Her eyes lit up. She pulled back looking at me, laughing with me. Suddenly she blurted out, "Now…tell me how fucking _good_ it was!" She reached down, grabbed my wrists with each of her hands, and squeezed. I felt nothing through my cast, but my left wrist was suddenly screaming with pain that shot through my forearm.

"_Ow!_ Oh, _fuck!_" I screeched and recoiled my wrist from her grasp, cradling it beneath my casted arm.

"Oh!" She jumped in response to my outburst and clutched her chest quickly. "_Jesus_, what the hell's wrong? What did I do?"

I shook my head, still wincing in pain, and retorted quickly, "N—nothing…just, my whole body hurts."

She narrowed her eyes and gave me the once-over with them before she opened her mouth to speak again. "Why?" She pointed at my wrist. "That's not from sex…unless you were handcuffed, but I don't see Doctor Edward doing _that_." She quirked an eyebrow. "Let me see your wrist, Bella." I shook my head and looked away. "Bella! Let me see your wrist right fucking now."

I gave in to her demanding tone. _She's going to make a wonderfully tough mommy, this girl…minus the f-bomb, of course. _Then I reluctantly pulled my sleeve back.

"Holy fucking _shit_!" she exclaimed. "What the _hell_? B, what…who did this to you? Not Edward, right?"

I furrowed my brow and shook my head; my lips were once again trembling, and my eyes bore anguish that she could spot from a mile away.

"Oh my God, Jacob? _Jake_ did this, Bella? What…he found out?"

I burst into tears and began to nod my head.

"That's not all he did if you said your _whole_ body hurt. What…where else did he hurt you, B?"

I reluctantly reached up and pushed the hood off my damp hair, and pulled the neckline of my hoodie down slightly. Her eyes followed my movements and rested on my throat…then widened immeasurably. Her mouth formed a very distinct _oh_, and she covered it quickly. "Oh my God…_oh my God, Bella_! Honey, tell me what he did to you."

I knew I'd barely be able to speak. My head was throbbing and my shoulders were violently shaking with the unabashed breakdown I was now having. I opened my mouth to speak, when my phone began to blare inside my hoodie pocket. I reached for it quickly and blinked to see the caller I.D. Alice. "H—hold on, A—Ang," I stuttered and quickly answered my phone. _"Aaaaaalice!"_ I cried into it, falling deeper into my chasm, and letting go of all control I had on my emotions.

"Bella?" she responded. "Bella, what the _fuck_ is going on? Where the fuck are you? Are you at home?"

I gasped for breath, unable to answer. Angela was shaking her head, tears now streaming down her face. The only think I could choke out was "no" and "Angela's."

Ang noticed my struggle and cleared her throat. "B, give me the phone." I handed it to her and covered my face with my hands, coughing and sputtering into them. "Alice, it's Angela…yes, she's here." She paused briefly. "I don't know. She's…she's got horrible bruises. Her wrist….her neck…I don't know where else just yet." She paused again. "No, I don't know what happened. She can't really talk, but Alice…it was Jake. I _do_ know that. Okay…yes…well I'm not letting her go anywhere like _this_. Nope. Yes, we'll be here. Okay, bye Al." She hung up the phone and situated herself right next to me, placing her arm around me. "Bella." She cupped my face with her other hand and pulled it up. "Honey, your sister is on her way. She's coming right now."

I buried my head in Angela's chest and cried until I didn't think I had a single tear left in my head.

XXXX

Alice blew in the door like a hurricane and immediately ran to me. She didn't say a word, but knelt in front of me and grabbed me into a tight embrace. As I sobbed into her neck, she turned her attention to Angela.

"Do you know what the fuck is going on here?"

Angela replied quickly, "She just told me about her…um…night with Edward. That's all I know. I guess I got a little excited and grabbed her wrist, and she freaked. That's when I made her show me. _Dude_, she said her whole body hurt, Al. I don't know what the _hell_ he did to her, but—"

"And you said it was Jake?" she interrupted. Her tone was one of astonishment.

"I asked her if it was Jake, and she just…like…broke down and nodded her head. She told me without words that it was him, Alice," Angela responded, her voice cracking.

"Bella." Alice took my face in her hands. "Jake hurt you last night?"

I nodded, still sobbing uncontrollably. "H—he was drunk. He…he had me f—followed." I hiccupped. "They s—s—saw me with Edward." I clutched my stomach in response to the pain that saying his name caused me. "At the p—p—park. S—said he would kill us both if…" I trailed off.

"Let me see your bruises." Alice's voice sounded almost mechanical, as if she was carefully controlling her reaction and emotions. I proceeded to show her the black and blue splotches on my wrist and neck. "_Jesus_ fucking hell!" She nearly screamed as she traced her trembling fingers over my bruises. I continued to come undone. "Bella, are there more bruises than this?" Her controlled voice was back. I nodded. "Well, let me see them," she demanded gently.

I swallowed thickly and sucked in a ragged breath. "I—I will h—h—have to take my c—clothes off, Al."

She lowered her head and looked at me pointedly. "Why?"

I squeezed my eyes shut and willed myself to just _tell_ her. My voice was barely above a whisper as I recounted my nightmare to her. "H—he, um, he…he tried to r—" I couldn't even say the word anymore, and Alice's face was already blanching.

Angela, who had been pacing, immediately halted her steps and turned to look at us.

I tried to continue, "He t—tried to f—f—force me to…himself…on me."

Alice shot up off the love seat as Angela gasped. Her jaw nearly hit the floor, and my sister turned to me. "Are you _fucking kidding me?_ He fucking tried to _rape_ you? _What the fuck?_"

Angela walked over and sat next to me. She began gently rubbing circles on my back in silence. We all three sat quietly for minutes that felt like hours, when suddenly Alice stood back up and said, "Let's go."

"Where?" I asked in a daze.

She turned to Angela. "Can we go to your bedroom? I need to see how bad this is."

"Absolutely," Ang replied softly. Alice reached for my hand carefully helping me stand like I was an invalid.

They both cried when they saw the extent of the bruising Jake had caused my body, which in turn caused me to fucking turn into a blubbering idiot again.

"Bella, this is _bad_," Angela stated as she gaped at me and gently touched the discolored areas of my body. "You should really have this looked at. I mean, I think you need to go to the fucking _hospital_ or something."

"No!" I retorted forcefully and looked at Alice. "No. No hospitals."

Alice's expression was blank, far away, but she snapped her head toward Angela, then toward me. "What? Yes you do! You need to go to the _hospital_, and _Jacob-fucking-Black_ needs to go to JAIL!"

I knew she wasn't yelling _at_ me, but I jumped and lowered my head to my hands. "Please, Alice. You have to understand. He…he's friends with a cop. He had them follow me! I can't risk it…I can't. He said….h—he said he would kill…he said 'Edward's funeral' and I can't let anyone know or," I sighed, "I have to protect Edward. I don't have…if he knew what I really did with Edward… Oh_ God_, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do." I stuttered and shook my head, my world crumbling around me.

Realization flitted across Alice's features. Apparently she understood _something_ that had come out of my mouth, and she began to shake her head, repeating various forms of 'oh my God'.

Suddenly my phone rang again and Alice snatched it from the pocket of my discarded hoodie. She looked at the screen and snapped her head toward me immediately. "It's Edward," she said. I shook my head, indicating that I could, in no way, speak to him right now. My stomach began doing flips. "Well, do you want me to answer it?" I shrugged. I had no control over my thoughts or my actions anymore and the bottom line was that he needed to know I was _okay_, as in _still alive_ okay. She took it as an affirmation and proceeded to answer my phone for me.

"Hello? No, it's Alice." She sighed.

"Don't tell him!" I whispered toward her.

"She's…okay." Her eyes scanned over my exposed skin as I sat on the edge of the bed, and her face went blank. I had removed my jeans and hoodie on Alice's command, so that both she and Angela could examine me. I started to shiver a little as I sat in just my bra and panties, so Angela grabbed a blanket, noting my condition, and proceeded to wrap it around my shoulders.

"Huh?" Alice blinked her eyes quickly. "Yeah, I'm here. Sorry, Edward."

My heart swelled when she said his name, and I wished that I could bring myself to get on the phone with him.

"Um…" She stared at me; contemplating and I stared back at her, then I furrowed my brow. "Actually, she's really _not_ okay, Edward!" she blurted and turned her back to me.

"Alice!" I hissed loudly through my clenched teeth, but she ignored me.

"No, she's got these…these _bruises_ all over her, Edward, and _fuck_ they look really bad."

"You bitch!" I hissed again and shook my head.

She began to pace back and forth, still not looking at me. "She says no…I can't, Edward. She's…I think she's just too upset to talk to you, and…she didn't want you to know. Well, why do _you_ think?"

The lump in my throat grew exponentially, and I fought against it.

"I'm not saying, but you know damn good and well that it was." She spoke softly, but her voice was sounding a little angrier every second. "No you're _not_!" she exclaimed and glanced at me quickly. I glared at her.

I was so pissed that I could kill her for telling him this…and I fucking knew the last sentence pertained to Jacob. It was so predictable, what was unfolding on the phone. Obviously, he was asking if Jake was responsible, and _she_ was giving him the answer by _not_ answering him. _Fucking idiot doesn't think these things through._ It was now more evident to me than ever how alike our mother she was.

"Hang up the phone, Alice!" I seethed. "You don't know what you're doing!"

"I do, yes," she responded to a question. "She needs _you_."

"Alice! Hang up!"

She cupped the phone with her palm. "No, Bella! Now shut it."

I slammed my fist into the mattress. "Ugh!" She apparently didn't understand the mother of all wars she was starting. At all.

"Uh, I don't know if that's such a good idea…" She hesitated, and I could actually hear Edward's voice through the phone. _Wonderful_. He was definitely freaking the _fuck_ out. I wanted to strangle my sister.

"Yes, I told you I did…and I told you that too!" She sounded like she was getting aggravated, and I hoped Edward was going off on her for telling him…but I knew better. "Edward, I don't think you should drive…no…no need, I'll come there." _What the hell? Drive? _She paused again and I didn't even want to know what they were talking about now. "Yeah, okay…okay! When…how long? Okay, so how long do you need?" She rolled her eyes. _What the fuck?_ "Okay…okay, bye."

She ended the call and looked at me a beat. She suddenly seemed nervous, and I was still seething. "What, Alice?" I barked. She furrowed her brow, shook her head, and sighed. "_Oh_ no, you're going to talk to me, Alice, now _what_ the hell is going on?"

"I'm going to get Edward…"

"_What?_" I screeched, but she continued.

"I'm bringing him here…"

I stood up and clenched my fist. I gritted my teeth, fuming. "_No_, you're not!"

"_Yes_ I am!" she snapped back at me. "Bella, you _need_ him!"

By now I was yelling and I could tell that Angela was getting nervous by her constant pacing. "I can't _believe_ you, Alice! I can't believe you _told_ him about this! I was…I was just going to tell him I had a bad dream or something, and _now_…do you even _know_ what you've DONE?"

"A bad dream, Bella?" she retorted with a huff. "Like he would believe that once he saw you."

"He wasn't supposed to _see_ me, Alice! And now he knows it was Jake!" I pointed at her. "And don't even try to tell me he didn't ask you if it was." She looked down, avoiding eye contact. "_Jesus_, Alice!" My traitorous vocal chords began to tighten again. "He doesn't _need _this shit."

She snapped her head up to look at me and cocked her head to the side. "I'm sorry, Bella. I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but he…he _wants_ this shit. You should have heard him. He was practically yelling at me on the phone!"

"I DID!" I screamed, "and did you _not_ hear me tell you that Jacob threatened to _kill_ him? Did you _not_ hear me say he had me _followed_, Alice?"

"Yeah, Bella!" Her voice topped mine. "And that's why I agreed to pick him up. He threatened to come over here, and _I_ figured Jake knows where you are!"

I shook my head. "So what good is _that_ going to do? For all I know, he could be having everyone I know followed, including _you_, _Alice_!"

That seemed to fluster her and she paused for a second, then shook her head and looked away. "I'll…I'll figure it out." She huffed.

"Yeah? Well, I have to protect him, Alice, and if the only way to do that is to hurt him…then I'll do what I have to do." She looked at me with confusion, so I continued. "When he gets here, I'm going to _tell_ him about the baby."

She gasped and then walked straight over to me and pointed her tiny finger in my face. "_No_ you're _not!_"

"Bella, no…I don't think…" I heard Angela's timid voice.

"_Why?_" I shot back at Alice, ignoring Angela all together. I felt myself shudder as I turned and stalked back to the bed, plopping on it and fighting to stifle a sob. "H—he'll leave me alone then." I choked, barely above a whisper. "H—he'll be safe then."

"Bella." Alice walked to me and knelt down at my eye-level. "Please honey, you're not in the right frame of mind for that. You…you don't want that. Listen to me." She reached for my chin and turned my face back to hers, as I had tried to avert my eyes from her gaze. "Bella." Her eyes were pleading, and I felt myself starting to break down again. "Just let him help you. You won't let me take you to the hospital…you won't let me call the cops on that motherfu—" She sighed. "So let him come and help you." I shook my head, but she wasn't having it. "Bella, he'll do it anyway. He's just as stubborn as you are, and he's worried about you. He'll find a way to get to you if I don't go get him."

"Not if I tell him about h—her…n—not if I tell him to leave me alone."

"Ugh!" She stood up and turned around, then turned back to me. "Stop it, Bella. You're _not_ telling him either one of those things!"

"I am!" I fired back.

"No you're _not!_" She fired back still. She pressed her lips together in a hard line and shook her head. Her features softened slightly, but there was still anger in her voice as she continued, "If you don't let this man love you, Bella, I swear to _God_ I'll…I'll kick your _ass_!"

Suddenly we were ten and eleven again, and she was threatening me not to tattle on her. If I hadn't been in the fucked up state of mind I was in, and if I hadn't been a little touched by the fact that she wanted me to be with Edward, I would've laughed at her. My pixie-like sister was far from being capable of kicking my ass, but she had quite a big bark, when she wanted to.

"Alright you guys, stop." Angela intervened. I could always count on her as the peacemaker. After what she said next, however, I considered her brilliant. "Alice, tell Edward to duck down in the car. Hopefully you can get him in the car without being noticed. When you get back here, I'll open the garage. You pull in, and I'll shut it behind you." It was a fairly simple idea, but Alice and I had been too caught up in our argument, that we hadn't even thought logically. Alice nodded, and Ang turned her attention to me. "Bella." She sighed. "Al is right. Just let him be here for you now. Even though he, um, cares about you…and he might not be able to put that aside…remember he _is_ a doctor. Let him at least try to be _that _for you today."

I sat in silence for a few moments wringing my hands. Both Angela and Alice stared at me, waiting for a response. Somehow, the third party opinion struck a chord with me, and I nodded slowly.

Alice let out a relieved sigh, "Okay. He said to give him twenty minutes so he can call his mom…something about picking his son up from school later today…so…"

"_What?_" I snapped my head up. "He's got Kellan? And…and Esme? Fucking _great!_" I threw my hands in the air. "Now everybody's going to know, and Jake is going to fucking _freak!_" I was speaking nonsense. I knew it, and Alice didn't miss a beat calling me out on it.

"Oh _Jesus_, Bella! Give him some credit. You know he's smarter than that. You really think he's going to tell his mother that the woman he's having an _affair_ with…" Her words made me cringe. "…needs him today because her _husband _is a wife-beating piece of shit? Besides that…" She threw her head back and nearly shouted, "_Fuck_ Jake! Who gives a rat's ass what that _asshole_ motherfucker thinks! Go look in the mirror, Bella." She pointed, then swiped her hand in front of her as she exclaimed, "He doesn't deserve to _breathe_ anymore, and he certainly doesn't deserve for you to _care_ if he does or not."

I just sat there speechless. Alice was angry; she wanted to protect me. I knew that, but I'd never heard her speak in such a way as this.

She glanced at her watch. "See, now I've argued with you so long that I have to go." Then she sighed and padded over to me. She brushed the loose tendrils back away from my face and cupped my cheeks. She gave me a week smile. I searched her face and found comfort as she spoke softly to me, "It's going to be ok, baby sis. I promise."

As she turned and hurried out the bedroom door, I yelled after her. "Alice! Don't tell him _anything_ else!"

She knew what I meant. He would find out soon enough…as soon as he arrived and saw the bruises on the insides of my thighs. I felt like I needed to be with him when realized the extent of what Jake had done. Thanks to Alice, I now _somehow_ had to figure out how to keep Edward from hunting Jacob down and getting himself, or both of them…

I couldn't even think it. I was still mad at Alice for all of this, but my heart was fluttering with anticipation. I tried to slow it, before I went into cardiac arrest before he even arrives.

"B?" Angela walked toward me with what appeared to be a light pink robe. "You might feel better if you put this on."

I looked at her and sighed. "Ang…I just don't know about this? Do you think I'm making a mistake? D—do you think I'm a failure? A…a t—terrible person? I just…I don't know what to do. I'm so afraid for him…for Edward" I shook my head and looked down at my cast, running my fingers over it. "My poor babies…they're never going to forgive me for this." A silent tear ran down my cheek.

"Oh Bella," Angela said as she walked to me and sat down on the bed next to me. She wrapped her arms around me and laid her head on my shoulder. "I wish I could tell you what's best, honey, I really do." She lifted her head to look into my eyes. Her face was the picture of concern and love for her best friend…for me. "You're not a terrible person. You're _not_ a failure at all. Goodness, you're stronger than you think, B. I would've bolted a long time ago, but you've stayed with him…tried to work it out." Her voice broke as she continued to try and soothe me once again. "And you're the best mommy I've ever seen. I only hope I can be the kind of mom you are."

I looked away and shook my head. "Ang, you have to say that to me, you're my best friend. Remember you said you have no choice but to stand by your best friend."

"Bella, look at me." I turned back to face her, and she had tears in her eyes. "I _do_ stand by you, in everything. If I thought you were wrong, I would tell you. The reason I don't have a choice is because I love you so much. You…you deserve so much better than what you've got, B." She cupped my cheek. "You deserve Edward. Let him love you. It's….it's time to move on. You'll never be happy again with Jacob, and your heart knows that. Give yourself a chance for once. You're babies will be ok, I promise."

"Ang, I…I'm scared. I'm so scared." I stuttered through my once again prominent tears.

"I know." She nodded. "It's okay. We'll all get you through this…we won't let you fall, B. You have to believe that…and the way Edward was when he called me…I didn't tell you this before, B, but my _God_, that man was so panicked and so worried about you. He loves you more than I can even fathom. What you two had…it never left either of you." She chuckled, "It's not fair. You know how much I love Ben, but what you and Edward have…" She shook her head. "I've…I've never seen anything like it." Then she whispered into my ear as she pulled me into a hug, "Don't ever let it go."

I hugged her back and let my head fall to her shoulder again. "How did I ever deserve a best friend as amazing as you, Ang?"

She giggled. "Hmm, I don't know. You must be a pretty amazing best friend yourself."

"I love you, Ang," I whispered.

"I love you too, B," she whispered back.

XXXX

_***A/N Chapter end notes: Ahhh, a little BFF fluff there at the end. Angela's so sweet, huh? What did you think of the feisty Alice…oh just wait, she'll be getting quite a bit feistier once she gets her claws into Jacob! *snickers* Alright, give me those thoughts you have swimming in your little heads! Reviewers get to make Docward lie down in the passenger seat of their cars and have their way with him. **Oh, and don't forget that if you review, you get the outtake of Edward's side of that phone conversation with Alice…I know you want to hear it! Edward's pov up next…um, ya might want to keep those tissue boxes close. He's not going to take seeing his baby battered too well. **_


	34. Chapter 32 Give Me A Sign

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past**

**Chapter 32, "Give Me A Sign" ~ Breaking Benjamin**

Edward's pov

_***A/N: There's only one thing I can say about the reviews from last chapter. Overwhelming! Okay, maybe two things…amazing and overwhelming. You guys literally wrote paragraphs! For me, to know that I'm writing about something I've never experienced, thankfully, but to hear that some of you have… and you're still enjoying what you're reading and want more. Well, that seriously touches my heart. I can't express to you how much it means to hear from you and the love you leave me on reviews makes my world go 'round. Hugs and kisses to all of you! **_

_**Major thanks to my beta, Sweetishbubble, my technical genius who helps me even though I seem make the same stupid mistakes ALL the time! **_

_**New reviewer shout-outs: *SarahCullen86*, *angmclure*, *completelyaddictedtotwilight*, *wickedfastreader* and *76tjm*- thank you, and I hope you keep reading! To my faithfuls- I wouldn't keep writing without you, I hope you know that! (special love to *kattie* and *danniel*- my work girls; *obsessedwithedward1*, *magnolia822*- my LGR h00rs; *dhdirector*, *IrishCharm*, *.twilight.2* *secamimom* and *mcamastow* for amazing reviews last chapter!) I have a couple fic recs after you read. **_

_**Song Link, Give Me a Sign- **__**.com/watch?v=buc6j73cZW8**_

_**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended and there is no financial gain by myself for this story… All songs are owned by the respective artists, record companies and labels. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and its characters…and my husband hates her because she owns my life as well. **_©2009/2010 WickedCurveBall74/RobsMyEdibleArt, All rights reserved worldwide.

XXXX

"_**Dead star shine, light up the sky,**_

_**I'm all out of breath; my walls are closing in,**_

_**Days go by, give me a sign,**_

_**Come back to the end, the shepherd of the damned,**_

_**I can feel you falling away,**_

_**No longer the lost, no longer the same,**_

_**And I can see you starting to break,**_

_**I'll keep you alive, if you show me the way,**_

_**Forever and ever, the scars will remain,**_

_**I'm falling apart; leave me here forever in the dark,**_

_**Daylight dies, blackout the sky,**_

_**Does anybody care? Is anybody there?**_

_**Take this life, empty inside,**_

_**I'm already dead; I'll rise to fall again,**_

_**I can feel you falling away,**_

_**No longer the lost, no longer the same,**_

_**And I can see you starting to break,**_

_**I'll keep you alive, if you show me the way,**_

_**Forever and ever, the scars will remain,**_

_**I'm falling apart; leave me here forever in the dark,**_

_**God help me I've come undone…out of the light of the sun,**_

_**God help me I've come undone…out of the light of the sun,**_

_**I can feel you falling away,**_

_**No longer the lost, no longer the same,**_

_**And I can see you starting to break,**_

_**I'll keep you alive, if you show me the way,**_

_**Forever and ever, the scars will remain,**_

_**Give me a sign…there's something buried in the words,**_

_**Give me a sign…your tears are adding to the flood,**_

_**Just give me a sign…there's something buried in the words,**_

_**Give me a sign…your tears are adding to the flood,**_

_**Forever and ever, the scars will remain."**_

XXXX

_Panic_ wasn't even the right word for what was going on in my body. There wasn't one. Not one word existed in the _motherfucking_ English language dictionary, or any other language for that matter, to describe how I was feeling. Not necessarily when I first received the text that would bring my peaceful night crumbling down around my feet, but more so when I tried beyond what was reasonably acceptable to reach her, and got no response. As _that_ happened, the words she'd written began to stab me like an ice pick in the middle of my chest.

There was no relief.

Relief would have been talking to her.

Hearing her voice and knowing she was still alive.

Still fucking _breathing._

She had said _he'd_ said he would kill her. Did that mean he was trying to do so right then, or was it an empty threat? I didn't give a shit what he'd said about me. That dickhead had no idea the kind of wrath he would bring upon himself should he attempt a confrontation with me face to face. However, as much as Bella tried to believe she could handle herself, obviously he'd done something to her to pound this idea into her head. She was fucking scared. If said pounding had been literal, well then he was going to pay…_dearly_.

Suddenly, my rage shifted from James to Jacob. Why couldn't these Neanderthals keep their motherfucking hands off my girl? _Yes, _my_ girl._ I repeated it to myself. All logical fucking thought be damned.

I couldn't text her back fast enough, and I cursed my trembling fingers as I kept trying and trying. I thought I'd given her enough time to respond, but I couldn't stop texting. I had a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach and my chest was tightening as I kept trying with no results. She either had her phone turned off, or _he_ had her incapacitated. Neither of which was an acceptable fucking scenario for me.

_How the fuck was I supposed to know what was going on over there if she wouldn't answer me?_

I honestly didn't even know how many timed I'd texted her, but it was a lot…and I meant it when I said I'd call her, so I did. I called her at least a half a dozen times. I called her until the sun came up; I called her up until I had to get Kellan to school. I couldn't help the memories that rushed back to me like a violent wave. The memories carried me back kicking and screaming to the time when she'd cut off all contact with me years before. I couldn't handle it again.

I did something I hadn't done in years when I called her friend, Angela- I got her panicking as much as I was, and she said she'd check on her. Obviously, I was an impatient motherfucker and when I didn't hear back from Angela right away, I tried to contact Bella gain. This time, I left her a voicemail sounding like a goddamned pussy, but I no longer gave a shit. Knowing there was one other way to try and get to her, I dialed Alice's number; it amazed me that I still had it. Then I waited on pins and needles. If anyone knew what was going on, it would be Alice, but the thought of asking her made me nervous. If the situation was _anything_ like it was before- _it isn't_, I tried to tell myself- I wouldn't get anything out of Alice, but desperate times called for desperate measures. I was nothing short of a desperate man. To my disillusionment, I got nowhere. However, she was strangely cordial to me. That was something she hadn't been in a lifetime, but she promised me she would check on her as well.

When even Alice didn't call me back for what felt like an eternity, I assumed she wasn't going to and tried Bella's phone again. I knew by then, _someone_ had to have gotten to her since I'd made it pretty fucking clear how worried I was. I was on the edge of complete insanity; on the verge of exploding. I was either going to get in my car and go find her myself, or _somebody_- Bella included- was going to tell me what the fuck was happening.

My heart jumped into my throat as, instead of going straight to voicemail like all the other times, her phone actually began to ring. My insides were burning with the resolve that if she didn't answer, I would blow up her phone, now that she had it on, until she did. My muscled clenched instantaneously as the phone clicked and I prepared for my baby's voice.

It was a different voice, flighty, a much higher octave, and my heart fell into my stomach.

XXXX

It was a rough call. There were no two ways about it. I tried to keep my wits about me for the duration of the conversation, but eventually my resolve crumbled. I did just what I didn't want to do and freaked the _fuck_ out. So much so that I'd irritated Alice, but I didn't give a fuck. For a moment I wasn't sure I was going to get her to understand how serious I was about taking my ass over there immediately, but finally she saw the light and agreed to come pick me up. I didn't question it.

It didn't fucking matter.

I would see her soon. I would see my Bella and although I didn't know what to expect, I knew I had to prepare myself for the worst. Despite Alice's hesitation, she realized we were both on the same side in this situation, and we worked it out.

I was on the phone with Esme immediately after I ended the call with Alice. I didn't know how long I'd be tending to Bella today, but again, it didn't matter to me. _I would be with her as long as she needed me, and as long as she would have me_. Therefore, I asked my mother to pick Kellan up from school. When she asked if everything was okay, I brushed it off as a minor hiccup with a patient who needed advice on their first pregnancy. Then I quickly changed the subject, stating that she and Kel could start their Thanksgiving meal planning early. She was elated and I knew at that point, that my afternoon was completely covered.

Alice called me when she was close by, asking if there was a back entrance to the apartment building. Although I was confused, I informed her of the rear underground entrance.

"Perfect!" she chirped, "Meet me there in five minutes."

XXXX

As I climbed into the sleek, canary yellow Audi A-5 Coupe, I was given the once-over by Alice.

_It seemed Alice had done quite well for herself; I presumed having a child with a succubus for a mother didn't help my situation much._

She scanned me from head to toe and I suddenly felt uneasy. It had been a long time since I'd been this close to Bella's older sister, and I wasn't exactly certain what to expect from her. I'd understood from Bella that Alice was living her dream as a high-end fashion designer. It definitely looked that way.

She looked amazing.

Jasper would be quite pleased, although as I thought about it, I wasn't sure my southern gentleman friend would be able to handle this cherry bomb in a pretty package. Dressed in the tightest, dark skinny jeans I'd ever seen, insane-looking ankle boots- _how women walk in those fucking heels, I'll never understand- _and a long fitted trench coat, she looked like she'd just stepped off the runway herself. He dark brown hair was a little longer than I'd remembered, almost shoulder-length, but as still trendy as ever with wild layers sticking out in all directions. I stifled a chuckle as I thought of how Jasper might react if and when we ever got to introduce those two.

"Edward." She smirked finally and cocked her head to the side. "Looking as pretty as ever."

_Ahh, there she is. _I remembered she and Bella were very similar in their sarcasm, if nothing else. Alice was always just a little more…_how should I put it_…scatterbrained than her younger sibling.

"Alice." I nodded once. "Likewise. Nice car." I quirked an eyebrow in her direction.

She threw the car in reverse almost before I'd had a chance to shut the door and shook her head. "Alright, we don't have time to catch up and have idle chit-chat. You need to crouch down or something, so that you're not _seen_," she stated without looking at me.

"What? Why?" I huffed.

She shrugged.

"How do you propose I do that, Alice? I'm over six foot tall…and this is a _small_ fucking car. What the fuck is going on here?" I yelled.

Apparently my brain cells had taken the day off, because I _did_ happen to be with the sister of the _married_ woman whom I'd had sex with repeatedly…_recently_. If anyone we knew saw us, I was betting they would wonder what the story was there.

She sighed and turned in my direction. "Edward, Bella thinks that my asswipe of a brother-in-law is having her followed. Therefore, me picking you up and taking you where _he_ knows she is right now could end up with a very _undesirable_ result. You get me?"

I simply nodded my head and threw the seat backward until I was staring at the clouds through the moon roof. My head was screaming because if that was true, it explained a lot. But, then again, it went beyond what I'd thought possible of Jacob's fallacies. I tried to control the chagrin in my voice as I asked, "How bad is it, Alice?" I saw her pixie-like body noticeably stiffen and her tiny fingers became white as she gripped the steering wheel. Not a good sign.

"Well I don't know _Doctor_," she replied curtly. "We might need _you_ to tell _us_ that."

"Don't fuck with me, Alice." I deadpanned. "I thought you might give me a little insight on just what the _fuck_ is going on."

She threw me a glare in the rear view, then took a breath before averting her eyes back to the road and responded, "Do you love my sister, Edward?" Her tone was interrogating and her question threw me for a fucking loop.

"What?" I replied on my breath.

"Well I didn't fucking stutter, but I'll ask it again. Are you _in love_ with my sister?"

This time I responded immediately. "Alice, I've never stopped. I've been in love with her since the day I laid eyes on her in my dad's office."

_I'd never forget the summer I met Bella Swan. She had just graduated high school and her stupid fucking boyfriend at the time had decided to try and teach her how to slalom ski on Lake Michigan. On one of the busiest weekends of the year- Memorial Day. I had just finished my second year of college at the University of Illinois, and having always been interested in medicine for obvious reasons, I just happened to be visiting my father that day. The day she was brought in. Luckily, she only had a severely sprained ankle. The dumbass she was dating, who obviously didn't know how to operate a boat properly, was going too fast and had to turn the boat sharply to avoid a collision. The ski Bella was trying to kick off caught in the water and essentially twisted the shit out of her ankle. She was lucky she hadn't badly broken her entire leg. The idiocy of her little boyfriend was incomprehensible. _

_I was smitten with her immediately and couldn't help but feel that our meeting was fate. That something beyond what I could comprehend had driven me to visit my father in his office that day._

"You remember that?" Alice tore me from my reverie.

"Of course I remember, Alice. How could I forget? It didn't take me long to figure out that she was meant to be with _me_."

"God, I remember how swollen her ankle was. It was _disgusting_." Alice giggled and rolled her eyes.

"Yeah," I chuckled in response, "no thanks to that motherfucker, Alec." I growled his name and continued, "She never got hurt with me." I winced as my inner voice screamed at me, so I corrected my statement. "_Physically _anyway."

"Edward…"Alice eyed me in the rear view again.

"What, Alice?" I retorted, pain lacing my tone. "It took me nearly two and a half fucking years to get her into my life and one night to fucking toss her out of it like last week's garbage."

"Look, Edward," she snapped, annoyed again, "have a pity party some other time." I glared at her, knowing she was right, as she continued. "I know how much you two loved…_love_ each other. Besides, after this bullshit, you just might be getting a second chance." I snapped my eyes from the moon roof back to the rear view where they were met by Alice's burning gaze. "I know everything, Edward." I gulped. "And believe me, I'm all for it. I meant it when I said she needs _you_, but forgive me if I can't be my happy-go-lucky self right now. Seeing my sister like I saw her all those years ago and seeing her like she is now is killing me. And so-fucking-help me, Edward, if she trusts you again and you _fuck_ her over, I swear to _God_—"

"I would never," I interrupted. "Alice, I'm a bit smarter than I was then. I know _now_ to fear you." I grinned, trying but failing miserably at lightening the heavy mood in this tiny car. Inside I was elated, however. To hear Alice say she was all for us…Bella and I…and that she knew everything, was both the best and the scariest thing I'd heard in a while. As she stared out the windshield and we neared Angela's house, I was reminded by the sickening feeling in my stomach exactly why Alice and I were in the same vehicle together. "Please, Alice," I begged. "I need to know what I'm walking into here. Please tell me how bad this is."

She sighed again. "I don't…it's not good. It's pretty bad, Edward." She shook her head and the sickening feeling in my stomach grew exponentially. "I'm not going to tell you everything he did to her. You'll see the bruises. You're a doctor, but—"

"Wait, what do you mean by 'everything he _did_ to her?' What the _fuck_ did he _do_?" I shouted as I shot up in the seat and she shrieked.

"Edward! Lay your ass back down and shut up!" I heeded like a pussy, but it was painfully clear that Alice was calling the shots here. "Look," she turned slightly to look at me, and then focused on the road again. "I'd rather she told you what she went through. She's already fucking pissed at me for doing this and _that_ is not my place." She gripped the steering wheel again and I was beginning to feel that Alice and I had that particular coping method in common. "But I've never seen my sister this upset before, Edward. Not even when you…"

I slapped my hands over my face and growled.

"Edward? Shit, are you _crying_?"

"No!" I snarled again through my hands. "I'm _trying_ to fucking control myself!" I felt her pat my knee lightly and I sighed before rubbing my eyes with my palms and then running my hands through my hair. "What the fuck am I doing, Alice? She doesn't even _want_ me there."

"Hey." Her tone turned soft, caring, and I realized that this had to be as difficult for her as it was for me, if not more.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

"Stop it, Edward. She wants you there. She just seems afraid. So don't push her." She looked at me again briefly. "Just…let her _be_ with you. Be with _her_. Show her love, and hopefully she'll talk to you, Edward. But, if you're the same Edward I knew and loved…" A sad smile played at her lips. "…this is going to be very difficult for you. So please, you _have_ to be strong for her. Do not freak out. Do not tell her you want to kill him. Do not break down. Understand?" She threw me a pointed glance and I nodded. Then I stared at the clouds again.

_Fuck. Break down? So Alice thinks this is bad enough for a grown fucking man to break down? Jesus Christ,_ my mind was going crazy. _What the fuck was I going to see? Was she black and blue from head to toe? _

Suddenly, I didn't know if I could follow throughwith Alice's demands. I felt I could vomit at any second, and my insides were waging a battle once again.

"We're here," she stated matter-of-factly, "but don't sit up until I say."

I could see our surroundings as she pulled forward. It was a garage, and the light slipped away as the door slowly closed behind us. Then the overhead light was flicked on and I shot up from where I was lying flat.

"_Jesus_, Edward, calm down okay?"

"Where is she?" I muttered flatly.

"I'm going in there first," she said, and I shook my head to protest, but she placed a tiny hand on my chest. "I will come and get you in a minute. I promise, Edward." Her eyes were pleading and I clenched my jaw, nodding once.

We were met by Angela just inside the door and her expression alarmed me.

"H—hey, Edward." Angela smiled sweetly, just as I'd remembered her. "It's been a long time."

I bent down and gave her a quick hug as Alice brushed past us. "How is she?" she murmured to Angela, who replied by shrugging.

"Same," she said sadly.

"Fuck," Alice responded, and disappeared down the hall. My eyes were trained on her until I couldn't see her flitting frame any longer. Then I looked to Angela, trying out a smile that I couldn't even feel.

"You look beautiful, Angela."

"Thanks." She grinned. "Pregnancy glow, I guess."

"Oh? Well, congratulations. I…I didn't know."

She nodded. "Thanks again, and why would you know?" She gave me a knowing glance and I chuckled in response. Something had flashed in her eyes, however, and I had an uneasy feeling that she knew too much about Bella and I, and our recent activity as well, but I couldn't dwell on it. If I was being honest, the small talk was killing me. I needed to get to Bella, and if I had been a fucking _man_, I would've told Alice to piss off and gone in to be with her immediately. Apparently, I was too much of a fucking gentleman to do so, but again, tiny little pixie Alice happened to scare the shit out of me.

Angela eyed me cautiously, noting my distracted eyes darting to the hallway repeatedly, and spoke in a low tone. "Did she tell you?"

"Mmm?" I looked back at her questioningly.

"Alice," she explained. "Did she tell you?"

I shook my head and looked back down the hall. "Said it would be better if Bella did," I stated quietly. Then I mumbled under my breath, "I hope she talks to me."

Angela placed a gentle hand on my forearm and just then, Alice flitted back down the hallway quickly. I drew in a breath and held it.

"Go ahead, Edward," she instructed with a partial smile and I didn't wait for her to say another word. I nodded once and bolted- as fast as my legs could carry me without running- down the hall to the door I'd watched Alice come out of.

Angela's house was a modest ranch-style home on the outskirts of Chicago, but the hallway was rather long and made it feel like I was miles from getting to her. When I got to the door, which was pulled to, I took a deep breath and pushed it open slowly with a slight tremble in my hand. I was again unsure what state she might be in, both mentally and physically. I let out a silent breath when I noticed her. I wasn't sure why, but it was a relief to see her actually standing. I momentarily scanned her as she stood across the room from me. Her back was to me as she peered out the large picture window with her arms wrapped around her torso.

The analytical, medical part of my brain took over as I observed her quickly. If she was standing, that was a good sign in many ways. It meant that her legs were in tact, no broken bones, and her cognitive abilities controlling motor movement were also working properly. I couldn't tell with her facing away from me, what kind of shape her arms were in, or her face for that matter. Nor could I tell what the rest of her body looked like, as she had a long robe wrapped loosely around her. She didn't appear to have any physical signs of trauma to the back of her beautiful head other than a messy pony tail and wild loose tendrils of hair. I assumed this was the result of her running her hands through it repeatedly.

_Duh, you fucking moron. _I chastised myself. _If she had trauma to her head, do you think she would be standing? Idiot. Where the hell is your head? _

And just like that, the doctor was gone. It was just me standing there, staring at my beautiful girl in a robe with messy hair, unaware of my presence and I smiled to myself briefly in retrospect. I hadn't realized that Alice and Angela had followed behind me, no doubt curious of Bella's and my interaction after all these years, until I felt someone's hand lightly touch the back of my arm. I turned my head to see Alice looking toward her sister. She cleared her throat and my eyes darted back to Bella as I watched her draw in a deep breath and drop her head before slowly turning to face me.

When she finally did, she kept her head low, her eyes facing the ground. I whispered her name softly and she lifted her chin at a snail's pace. Instead of immediately meeting my gaze, her eyes swept my body from my feet up my legs to my torso, where she paused briefly before continuing to my chest, then my chin and finally…_finally_ her eyes met mine.

I didn't think it was possible, but what I saw as I looked into her liquid sapphire eyes made my world crumble around me even more than it had. She looked like a child…a lost one. Her expression was almost desolate, with an underlying sadness that was so overwhelming, I couldn't even put it into words. It gripped my insides with enough force to nearly bring me to my knees, and I grabbed the door frame involuntarily for support. We stood staring into one another's eyes for what seemed like an eternity, until I noticed her eyes fill up with tears and she smiled at me.

"Hi," she said in an almost whisper, and I let out the breath I'd been holding since I'd gotten to the door. I smiled back at her, willing my legs to move, to take me to her.

"Hi, baby," I whispered back to her, my smile widening. I heard very quiet, but distinct sounds of sniffling coming from behind me and although I didn't turn around to check, I couldn't believe my ears.

_Were they crying? _They had to have been. I knew the sound, and suddenly I realized that they loved Bella, too. They hated to see her like this. Maybe they hadn't heard someone refer to her in such a loving way in a long fucking time, I wasn't sure. _Get used to it_, I thought with an internal smirk.

My comfort was short-lived as something caught my attention and my eyes slid down to her neck. She'd tried to cover it, I could tell, but peeking up from the collar of her pale pink robe was a very prominent and a very pronounced bruise. The fact that I couldn't see all of it disturbed me beyond belief. My smile fell immediately and I grit my teeth as the traitorous tears filled my eyes, blurring my vision.

_Keep it the fuck together, Cullen! _

But I felt myself losing control at the thought of what this motherfucker had done to her and I swallowed thickly. I then blinked furiously to rid myself of the tears that refused to subside. Luckily, I was successful.

Noting my change in demeanor, as well as where my eyes now rested, her hands automatically flew to her throat covering it and she shook her head. She began to shudder and her tears began to flow like rivers, snaking their way down her already tear-stained cheeks. I growled through my still clenched teeth.

"_No_," I said, my thoughts making themselves known aloud. "What the fuck did he do to you, Bella?"

She wasn't speaking, just shaking her head continuously. Her body continued to shudder, now violently, and I noticed her knees starting to bend. It took me all of about a half a _motherfucking_ millisecond to get to her and I pulled her to my body, wrapping my arms around her like armor.

She buried her face in my chest and lost complete control. "Oh, Edward, I'm so sorry!" She choked into my shirt, soaking it and I released my hand to cup it under her chin.

I pulled her face to mine and whispered, "No." Then I cleared my throat. "Don't you ever…" My voice cracked and I paused, struggling to maintain some semblance of control. "Don't you ever say that again, baby. This…_fuck_…" I looked up toward the ceiling and breathed deeply a couple times.

_I was fucking losing it and I'd promised Alice I wouldn't. _

I looked back down at Bella, who had quieted her sobs and was searching my face. "This isn't your fault," I said softly, then dipped my head down and kissed her lips gently. She kept her eyes closed as I ghosted my lips up her wet cheeks, one at a time, following the trails of tears to her eyelids and kissed them as well. The sniffling behind us increased, but I ignored it. Bella, however, pulled back and looked around my shoulder; her face crumpled again in pain.

"But it _is_, Edward!" She began to wail as her eyes met mine again. She ran her left hand through the top of my hair and rested it on the back of my head. "I've put you in danger and now…I c—can't, I _have_ to protect you. Even if that means—"

"Don't fucking say it, _please_," I begged her as I let my head fall to hers, our foreheads touching.

She took a ragged breath. "I—I don't want that, Edward, but _God_, I don't know w—what else to do!" I felt her knees giving way, so I immediately picked her up and cradled her in my arms. She buried her head in the crook of my neck and her shoulders shuddered with the pain that was engulfing us both.

"Shh." I did my best to calm her, shoving my own emotions to the side. "It's okay, baby. It's all going to be okay." I brushed the hair away from her face with my hand and kissed her forehead. "You need to lie down, Bella, okay?" Her left arm, that was flung around my neck tightened and she sounded like a frightened little girl as she pleaded with me.

"Please don't leave, Edward. S—stay with me. I need you."

"_Of course_. I'll stay as long as you want me to," I whispered into her hair.

I squeezed her to me a little tighter and apparently too tight, because she winced in pain, letting out a strangled, "_Ow_…fuck."

"Oh shit, baby I'm sorry," I mumbled. "I shouldn't have squeezed you like that."

"No, it's just…" She looked up at me and hesitated. "My…I'm a little…s—sore."

My throat went dry for a moment as I recalled Alice's vague description of the bruises; quote "_all over her_" end quote. I nodded. The muscles in my jaw were working overtime trying to control the rage that wanted to erupt at the thought of this, but I kept it in check. "Okay, c—could I…" I cleared my desiccated throat again. "Could I see them?"

She nodded reluctantly and I proceeded to turn us around, where I was met by a doe-eyed Alice and Angela still standing in the doorway. They had a hold of one another's arms and their eyes were red rimmed. I shot them a pleading glance as I laid Bella on the bed, and Alice nodded.

"We'll, um, give you two some privacy," she said softly, and then nodded at Angela, who responded as if coming out of a trance.

"Oh! Yes…privacy."

They both turned and immediately vanished down the hall; the door clicked shut behind them. I gently loosened the knot on the robe Bella was wearing and she wriggled her arms out of the sleeves, but held the material together in front of her eyeing my expression. I sighed, my doctor-brain once again taking charge. "Bella, please, it's okay. Let me look at you."

"You have to promise me you'll stay," she said with a hoarse voice. I nodded. "I mean it," she continued, now a little more calm. "You promise you'll stay here, with me, and you won't go do something stupid?" She wasn't really asking me; she was telling me, and her words struck me so hard that I immediately felt nauseous.

I stifled it and nodded mechanically as I muttered, "I promise." She let go of the fabric and I pulled open the robe slowly, starting at the top. She held her head back slightly and of course, the first thing I noticed was her neck. The bruise I'd initially seen was nothing compared to what my eyes were seeing now, and my fucking stomach fell to my knees. There were _huge_ thumb and fingerprints on each side of her neck; black and blue marks of a man completely out of control, with smaller marks spanning the front of her throat.

_Be a doctor. Be a fucking doctor!_ I screamed at myself internally, and very gently pressed above and below the marks to note if there were any signs of swelling or change in the tissue. There were none, so I breathed an internal sigh of relief.

She proceeded to brush her fingertips across the insides of her upper arms and turned them slightly for me to see. I followed her movements with my eyes until they rested on the massive purple and black splotches that resided there. My jaw fell open slightly before I slammed it shut again. I didn't want her to see that I couldn't handle this. I _had_ to keep it the fuck together.

"His forearms," she stated almost emotionlessly, and I ghosted my fingertips over the bruises. Again, I fought within myself to remain objective, to keep my physician's mind-set as I pressed lightly on her skin around the bruising to check for changes such as knots or indentions, which would indicate further damage. This was incredibly difficult for me as I felt my emotions beginning to take hold of me, pushing the doctor further and further into the blackness of my mind. Luckily, I again noted no changes, thank _Christ_, and I let out another silent, relieved sigh.

She touched my hand with her left, and that was when I saw her wrist. I squinted and sucked in a breath as I brushed the fingertips of my other hand across her wrist. It was as if someone was taking a sledgehammer to my façade of composure and each time it took a hit, huge chunks of the wall fell away, allowing a little bit of grief to escape me. She nodded, somehow tuning into my sentiment. "H—he held my hands together above my head."

Realization struck me unexpectedly, and I blurted out unthinking, "He was on top of you."

She nodded and I looked away as I whispered to myself, "fucking _bastard_." I looked into her eyes again and clenched my teeth. Once again, I tried to hold off my emotions. This internal battle I was fighting was nothing compared to the previous ones. No, this…_this_ was the single most difficult struggle I'd endured, save the time that Bella left me stranded in my own personal hell all those years ago. I suddenly realized why Bella had made me promise to stay rather than leave her here to go and '_do something stupid_' as she had put it.

As much as I wanted to ignore it, something in the back of my mind told me that this was not the end of the bruising, so I forced myself to ask her. "Is that it? Are there more?" Besides the fact that I didn't necessarily want to know, I also didn't want to continue examining her if she didn't want me to. She didn't respond, so I asked again, "Bella, please. Are there more bruises?" Obviously, I could have just looked, but again, I didn't want to traumatize her any more than she was obviously already fucking traumatized.

She looked away from me and a single tear fell from her eye as she nodded slightly.

"Okay," I whispered, "let's take a look."

She pulled the terrycloth material apart further, exposing her stomach. She then placed her left hand on her upper abdomen- the bruise on her left wrist again caused my throat to go dry- and slowly moved it downward. I followed her movements, my clinical eye darting across her torso, but I didn't see anything notable there. Her hand continued slowly down over her pelvis, parting more of the robe, and she pushed her underwear down only slightly on one side revealing a large whelp that was also bruising.

"Strap from my string bikini," she muttered.

I furrowed my brow in confusion for a second until my eyes followed her hand further down to where it finally stopped slightly to the inside of her left thigh.

I fucking gasped.

I couldn't believe what my eyes were trying to show me as truth.

The insides of her thighs were covered with massive contusions. It was as if her porcelain skin was the easel for some angry artist who had thrown black, blue and purple paint together as he took his aggressions out through his art. The tragic _fucking_ reality was that _this_ was no painting. It wasn't art. This was the woman I loved; it was her body and I needed no further explanation as to what the fuck he'd in fact _done_ to her.

I couldn't stop myself from reacting and this time, I let myself go a little. "Oh no," I whispered and closed my eyes. "Fuck…_no_!" I shook my head repeatedly, but I couldn't get the image of him violating her out of my head.

"Edward?" I felt her hand touch my face and my eyes flew open. She was searching my face; the pain was reverberating between us again and I stood up. I took inventory of all the bruises riddling my beautiful girl's body, but my eyes settled once again on her inner thighs. I reached down and mechanically felt the skin around them, trying desperately to bring the doctor back to the forefront. I was on autopilot, realizing that the skin tissue was the same in this area as all the other areas I'd checked, but the doctor was nowhere to be found. Instead, my mind focused on who was lying before me. It focused on the fact that I'd had to check so many areas of her body for _internal fucking damage _because of what that piece of fucking shit had done to her, and that was _it_ for me.

My stomach was doing flips and I began to breathe heavily. I knew my emotions were winning the battle; my resolve of control was waning quickly. So I ran my hands repeatedly through my hair and turned away from her to try and pull together a coherent thought.

"Edward, please." She sounded worried, as she should've been for the _motherfucking coward_ who thought he could do this to her and get away with it. I turned back to her, noticing that she'd sat up, and I pressed my lips together. My heart was pounding, I felt myself trembling, and my head was suddenly throbbing.

"Did he do it, Bella?"

She covered her face with her hand.

_Fuck! He did. He did it, that son-of-a-bitch. Fuck!_ I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry, but most of all, I wanted to cut off his balls with a butter knife and fucking shove them down his throat.

"Oh my fucking _God_," I whispered as I placed my hands on my hips and looked up to the ceiling again.

"Oh, Edward, _no_. No, he…he didn't." She maneuvered herself onto her knees and placed the palm of her left hand on my cheek, then ran the fingertips of her casted hand through my hair.

I couldn't help myself; I wrapped my arms around her bruised body and pulled her to me. I buried my face in the dip of her shoulder and inhaled, filling my lungs with her. I needed it. I needed that physical connection, but unfortunately so did my dick because it twitched at the somewhat innocent gesture. I cursed the shit out of it because, _seriously…not the fucking time. _

"He didn't?" I let a sigh escape me, feeling only slightly relieved because he obviously did _something_.

She pulled my face back up to meet hers. "No," she whispered.

"But your bruises…" I placed my hand softly on her leg. This time, the familiar electric current swept through my body. "Bella, what did he…" She sat back on her heels and covered her face with her hand again. I could tell she was holding her breath. _You're not that stupid, really. You know based on what you've seen that if he didn't actually do it, he fucking tried. Jesus!_ All of a sudden, the doctor was back and I wanted to punch him in the mouth. I wanted there to be some other explanation, but there was no other logical one.

My fears were realized when she choked through her hand. "H—he tried…he tried to, but I talked him out of it. I…" She dropped her hand and looked up at me. The expression on her face tore a hole right through my soul and my stomach dropped once again to my knees. "I was so scared, Edward. I've never seen him like that. He…he threatened to kill me." Her hand automatically moved to her throat, and mine closed completely. I couldn't speak. "H—he threatened to kill _you_. I'm s—so scared for you, a—and I'm so s—sorry."

She was sobbing again and I couldn't take it anymore. I collapsed on the bed next to her and scooped her into my arms, placing her on my lap. I just held her for a minute trying to breathe. My mind was screaming. _What kind of a husband…Jesus Christ!_ I started to shake; my whole body felt like a magnitude seven earthquake and I couldn't let her see me freak the fuck out which was about to happen in T-minus ten fucking seconds.

"He had me followed, Edward," she continued, sniffling and that was all I could take.

"Baby," I whispered and cleared my throat, willing my voice to remain steady. "I want you to tell me everything _he_…" I gritted my teeth, "did to you, but I…I need a minute. I need to go in the other room for a minute, Bella, but I _promise_ you I'll be right back, okay?"

"What?" She looked at me incredulously. "_No_, Edward, you promised."

I shook my head. "I'm not going anywhere, baby, I just need a minute. I swear I'll be right back." My eyes bore into hers as I said this and I prayed that she'd be okay enough for me to step out of the room, have a fucking melt down, and come back in. "Please, I just, I need a minute."

She nodded reluctantly and I kissed her head. I wrapped the soft robe around her shoulders and exited the room swiftly, closing the door gently behind me.

I clenched my fists instantly at my side and pumped them, trying to get the blood to re-circulate. I'd felt it drain from my appendages as Bella had shown me her injuries. I growled under my breath and leaned against the wall as I thought of that.

_Injuries_. That was what they were and this time, they weren't self-inflicted. _He_ had done this to her.

_How could he…touch her…violate her…how?_

There was no excuse and there never would be. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to inflict the same injuries on him as he'd done to her. Mark him the same way. When I finished with him, he'd know the true meaning of '_an eye for an eye'._

I felt my chest heaving rapidly as I continued leaning against the wall for support. I felt out of control and I needed to get this the fuck out of my system so that I could be of some goddamned use to her. She needed me strong, _not_ falling apart. I launched myself off of the wall and bolted toward the living room, my vision blurred by both tears and rage. Alice saw me coming and gasped at my frazzled appearance. Angela turned her attention to me and her dark eyes widened. I must have looked like a lunatic.

"Edward?" Alice questioned, but I stalked right past them both and into the kitchen which the garage was off of. "Where are you going?" she hissed in a low tone following a step behind me. I had begun pacing and turned to see that Angela hadn't followed her. I was thankful for that.

"What am I supposed to _do_ here, Alice?" I didn't really even recognize my own voice. The torment was too great and I was falling apart in front of her. "I mean, I—I…I can't _stand_ this. I can't stand to see her like this! I want to make it go away, Alice. I want her to be _okay_. I want her to myself. _Fuck! _I—I want to help her and I want to _hurt _him. _God_, do I want to hurt him!" I wasn't even looking at her, but I could feel her staring at me, at my display- I was certain- with shock. I was still pacing and running my hands through my hair repeatedly. I could feel my face flushing and the tears licking like fire at the lids of my eyes. I did _not_ want to cry in front of Alice. Bella maybe, but God only knew she didn't need that shit right now.

"Edward, its okay."

I stopped pacing abruptly and turned to face her, anger ripping through me. "No, it is not fucking _okay_!" I seethed and she flinched. I bowed my head immediately and averted my gaze to the tiled floor. "I'm sorry," I whispered, shaking my head and she took a careful step toward me.

"No, you're right. It's not okay," she said softly. "And she'll never be okay again if she stays with him."

I snapped my head up to meet her worried expression. That simply couldn't happen. "She can't. She can't stay with him, Alice. What should I do? She…she belongs with me." I let a tear escape and I was fucking kicking myself for it. _Man up, goddamn it!_ I grabbed the kitchen counter to sustain myself and lowered my head onto my crossed arms. I was simply trying to breathe, trying to calm myself enough to go back and be with Bella. It was futile. I couldn't fucking get a hold of myself, and my breathing began to spiral out of control. I felt a tiny hand on my back and realized that Alice had crept up behind me.

"Edward, you're helping her by being here with her. Just be with her while you can. She needs you and I realize that now more than ever. Watching you two is like, it's like magic." I heard her voice crack slightly, but I didn't look up. "Don't you think I want to hurt him too? Anyone that found out about this would want to as well, Edward. _Jesus_, our dad is a _cop_. Don't you think I want to call him right now and have Jacob put away? I do, but Bella doesn't want it. We have to pull together for her_._ We can't make her leave him, but we _can_ try to convince her that it's best."

"She's scared," I muttered into my arms. "She's scared of a man that's supposed to _love_ her. She doesn't deserve to feel this way." I fisted my hands into my mess of hair and lifted my head up, looking toward the ceiling. A strange guttural moan made its way up my torso and out through my mouth as I cried out softly. "_Please_, just tell me what to do! I love her so fucking much, it _hurts_."

I looked at Alice, who was now visibly breaking down, and again, that was _it_ for me.

"Alice, I need your car," I stated flatly.

"What? _No!_ Edward, you can't—"

"I'm not going anywhere, _damn it_. I just…I can't do this in front of you. I…I need to fucking let some _shit_ out, and I need to be in a place where no one can here me, _please._" I begged, my chest heaving.

She eyed me warily, and then nodded. "Okay," she said suspiciously and pulled out her keys. I stared at her confused for a moment. "If you leave this house, I'll report it stolen. You'll need these for the stereo. Turn it up and Edward please…don't hurt my fucking car."

I nodded, amazed and grateful that she knew exactly what I needed to do. I snatched her keys and tore through the door to her car. Once inside, I turned the key on accessory and increased the stereo volume to as loud as my ears could handle.

Then I screamed.

I screamed and I cried and I cursed God for allowing this to happen to her…to me. Then I cursed myself for cursing God, but most of all, I cursed Jacob.

I used all of the power I had within myself to honor Alice's wish not to 'hurt' her car, but my fists were clenched so tightly that I felt pain from my short nails digging into my palms. I didn't fucking care. I welcomed it. The physical pain was better than the aching in my heart. I reverberated my own words to myself that I would do anything…_anything_ to be with her now and to make her mine finally.

If nothing else made sense at that moment, _that_ did. The motherfucker didn't deserve her anymore, but I _did_. It was as if the clouds had parted in my head and the sun was shining so brightly it was blinding. Suddenly I realized that it was shining on Bella and she was calling to me; she was begging me to be strong for her and to stand by her, to get her through this. I would do just that, I wouldn't hesitate.

I felt my pulse slowing and my breathing going back to normal. When I was finally calm enough, I walked back into the kitchen, placed the keys on the counter and splashed my face with cold water. Then I turned and nodded at Alice before preparing myself to go back in and be with my baby.

I needed to be with her and show her my love. Alice was right. It was all I could do…just _be_ with her, and that was what I intended to do. All that mattered was right now. We could worry about forever later. She would be mine, however, forever. If not forever right now, eventually.

_Forever eventually_, I told myself over and over before I made my way back down the hall to my beautiful girl.

XXXX

_**Chapter End Notes, A/N: Poor, poor Edward. Now I know that you all know he's going to need some serious lovin' after this chapter (and not just from Bella, *wink*) So send him some loving by reviewing on this one, okie dokie? Bella's up next and more of Alice's wrath! I can't wait for you guys to read about a certain phone call she'll be making to a certain douche bag. I'm sure we'll have quite a big Alice fan-base after that one. ;-P **_

_**Oh, and there might be a little bit of lemonade at the end of the next chapter if y'all are good…and if the chapter is not too long, which is a strong possibility at this point. We will see what I can do about that. You all need some lovin' too! **_

_**In the mean time, GO check out these fics, "Evening the Score" by DiamondHeart78, and "Just Friends" by alwaysyourflightlessbird. They're pretty awesome.**_


	35. Chapter 33 Breathe Until Tomorrow

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past**

**Chapter 33, "Breathe (Until Tomorrow)" ~ Paramore**

Bella's pov

_****A/N: As always, fantastic, amazing reviews that keep me wanting to write and write. You guys are so kind to me, it's unbelievable! I was so happy to hear that you could feel Edward's emotion in the last chapter. As an author, that's music to my ears!**_

_**New reader/reviewer shout out: *itsyblue1214*- Thank you! Hope you keep loving it. I want the rest to own you as well! Lol!**_

_**To my faithfuls: *secamimom*, *Kattie*, *SarahCullen86*, *pnkats*, *Irish Charm*, *dhdirector*, *dnabgeek*, *wickedfastreader* & *dinx*- I love you all so, so much. I would be honored for you to pass this along to everyone you think would like it! Sloppy kisses to you all. Oh, and *dhdirector*- we're that much closer to the ass kicking you're wanting. *wink* Just a few more chappies!**_

_**This one is incredibly long, guys, and I'm sorry for that, but I did not want to leave you hanging. I wanted you to see how the day would end up for these two…and I certainly didn't want to make you wait for the little bit of citrus at the end! I strongly recommend that you listen to the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus song when you get to that point in the story. The wicked part in me hopes to bring a little tear to your eye during that scene. **_

_**Song Links, Breathe (Until Tomorrow): **__**.com/watch?v=zB2ZhThQnhY**_

_**Your Guardian Angel, Red Jumpsuit Apparatus: **__**.com/watch?v=jRehmX3zlwE**_

_**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended and there is no financial gain by myself for this story. All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. All songs are owned by the respective artists, record companies and labels. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and its characters…I do not. **_©2009/2010 WickedCurveBall74/RobsMyEdibleArt, All rights reserved worldwide.

XXXX

"_**I climb, I slip, I fall…reaching for your hands,**_

_**But I lay here all alone…sweating all your blood,**_

_**If I could find out how…to make you listen now,**_

_**Because I'm starving for you here…with my undying love,**_

_**And I will…**_

_**Breathe for love tomorrow,**_

'_**Cause there's no hope for today,**_

_**Breathe for love tomorrow,**_

'_**Cause maybe there's another way,**_

_**I climb, I slip, I fall…reaching for your hands,**_

_**But I lay here all alone…sweating all your blood,**_

_**If I could find out how…to make you listen now,**_

_**Because I'm starving for you here…with my undying love,**_

_**And I will…**_

_**Breathe for love tomorrow,**_

'_**Cause there's no hope for today,**_

_**Breathe for love tomorrow,**_

'_**Cause maybe there's another way,**_

_**Breathe for love tomorrow,**_

'_**Cause there's no hope for today,**_

_**Breathe for love tomorrow,**_

'_**Cause maybe there's another way,**_

_**I climb, I slip, I fall…into your empty hands,**_

_**But I lay here all alone…sweating all your blood."**_

XXXX

It seemed so melodramatic of me, but I felt my heart swell to the point of explosion as I watched him walk out the door. I was terrified that he would go against my pleas and leave the house. The rage and sadness I saw in his eyes was more than I'd expected and I hated to see him hurting so much over something _I _had caused. I wasn't exactly sure what I had expected from him. He had professed his love for me again and again, but it seemed to affect him more than I thought possible. I couldn't imagine what I'd put him through, but it was evident the moment I saw him standing in the doorway.

I didn't want to face him because I thought I would break down again. He took my breath away when I finally let my eyes rest on him. I allowed my eyes to slowly rake over his casual black Adidas shoes and his faded and tattered button-flies that I found surprisingly sexy in my impoverished mental state. I let myself focus on the rhythm of his chest rising and falling under the off-white, long sleeved v-neck he was wearing and noticed that his breath quickened slightly. His eyes, however, were almost my undoing when I finally looked into them…bright green and full of light. They were the same beacons of light that soothed me in my dream the night before, _before I woke up and Jacob tore my world apart_.

They _were_ full of light, that is, until he noticed the bruise on my throat and instantly, day turned to night. It was profoundly stupid of me to let him see the full extent of the bruising on my legs. When he'd asked if there were more, I should've lied. I should've left it and let him believe there was nothing else to see. By the time we were _intimate_ again, _if_ we were ever intimate again - and _God_, I hoped we could be - they might have had time to heal.

This was the catalyst that sent him out the door in a frenzy. He tried to hide it from me, but something told me that he was falling apart inside and didn't want to subject me to that. I don't know why I showed him, other than the fact that I couldn't lie, _and_ the fact that he made me feel immensely safe and comfortable.

I should've assumed that my sister would never let him leave, but still I couldn't hide the elation, not to mention relief, that poured over me when he came back through the door. For the first time all day, a genuine smile spread across my face; however, it fell quickly when I noticed that the lower lids of his magnificent eyes were bright red. Those eyes were never supposed to cry because if they did, my world would shatter even more.

"Come here," I said softly and held my arms out to him. He was at my side in a flash and scooped me up in his arms as if I weighed nothing. He held me close to him gently and buried his face in the dip of my shoulder just like before. I nuzzled his neck with my nose and then rested my head on his shoulder, relishing in his scent. It was stronger of course, but it was the same scent that was on my Bear's hoodie, the same scent I'd tried to get lost in, afraid I'd never get to smell it again. We held each other, and I wanted to stay this way forever.

"_God_, I missed you," he whispered onto my skin. His breath sent chills of excitement and desire through my body. "I never want to leave you, baby. I'll do anything for you, Bella, _anything, _just for you to be okay." I heard and felt him take a ragged breath and I responded by reaching my lips to just under his ear, kissing him softly. He let out another breath and climbed onto the bed with me still in his arms.

"Edward, you're all I need right now. _You_, here with me, like this." I placed gentle kisses on his neck and cradled his head with my left arm, my fingers tangled in his soft, unruly hair. "Where did you go?" I asked, knowing full well that he'd left the room to keep me from seeing him fall apart, and it broke my heart into pieces. I wondered if he'd allowed Ang and Alice to see him that way. I doubted it. Edward was a strong man in more ways than one, and besides the time we had broken up, I'd never seen or heard of him coming undone. Then again, why would I have?

"I, I just needed to breathe for a minute, baby," he whispered and hugged me close to him. "Am I hurting you?"

I shook my head. "But, Edward, I'm worried about you." I felt him tense in reaction to my words.

"There's no need for that," he responded a little curtly. "You should be worried about that _asshole_…" He trailed off, still tense.

"I think he's, he's dangerous, Edward." My voice was distant as I continued almost robotically. "You know he had me followed? They saw us together at the park and the parking garage." My voice was a mere whisper. "Edward, he said if, if he found out we'd been t—together, it would be…" I sighed, unable to continue.

"It's okay, baby." He gently caressed my arms.

"_No_, it's not. He said it would be your f—_funeral_, Edward." My tears started to flow again. _Fuck. I was so tired of crying._ He instantly sat me up and turned me around toward him.

"That will _never_ happen. Do you hear me? Never." His jaw was taut. Then he relaxed slightly. "So you didn't tell him about…he doesn't know you stayed with me?"

"Mm-mm." I shook my head and nuzzled it into his chest. It felt so good to be lying here with him, my body nestled between his legs, his arms around me like protective armor. I realized it was stupid of me to fight so hard with Alice about him coming to be with me. She was right. I needed him, and I'd have to apologize to her for that now. "Whoever followed me, I think it was a _cop_, maybe S—Sam…" He growled under his breath as I continued, "didn't follow us to my house, or they would've seen. _Jesus_, I can't even think of what he would've done then."

He sighed and brushed my hair back from my face, then kissed my temple, leaving a tingle in its place. "Bella, please stop. It's, it's okay." He began to stroke my hair, but stopped abruptly. "It doesn't make sense."

"What?" I asked, sniffling.

"If it was a cop, I think they would've followed you longer. Followed through with it, you know? It also doesn't make sense that Sam would do that. He seems to care for you, Bella. I know he's Jake's friend, but he's a respectable person. Definitely a respected cop. I just couldn't see him letting that happen, _if_ he knew about it at all." Suddenly his muscles grew tense again. "Fucking _James_," he growled under his breath.

"What?" I sat up and looked at his face, full of contempt again. "What are you saying, Edward?"

He looked at me, his bright green eyes searched mine cautiously and I was mesmerized once again.

"Baby, I know we didn't get a chance to talk about this yet, but…you saw _James_ at the park."

I shook my head. "I don't want to talk about that right now, Edward. I _can't_, I can't deal with it." My voice began to shake.

"Shh, I know. I'm sorry and we don't have to, but it's just that…" He grimaced. "He's a sick _fuck_, Bella. If he saw you and then me there, don't you think he could have said something to—"

"No. No way." I interrupted him. "Jake doesn't even know James. It, it doesn't make sense either."

He shook his head. "I don't know. It's all a little strange; Jake meeting with this guy, Riley, from Seattle…and James is from Seattle…and Riley is related to Victoria. Maybe James knows Riley? Maybe it's all a coincidence."

I was struck by what he'd said. He was looking away from me as if lost in his thoughts, trying to put together a very difficult puzzle and I reached up, pulling his face down to look at me. "What did you just say? _Victoria?_"

He leaned his head over and touched my forehead with his gently, then began to shake his head. "Fuck. I'm so sorry, Bella. I'm sorry, I—I shouldn't have mentioned her."

Suddenly, I remembered what Jake told me so callously the night before and I gasped. "Edward, no, oh _God_, I just remembered something he said." I pressed my lips to his and he parted them slightly, releasing his delicious breath on my face. I kissed him again and pulled away to look at him. "Edward, he set you up!" I choked on my words and a fresh set of tears pooled in my eyes.

"What?" he responded, confused. "Baby, what are you talking about?"

"That night," I said. He still looked confused. "With Victoria, the night you ch—"

"Oh, no." He shook his head. "Baby, please don't. Please stop, we don't have to—"

"He called her, Edward! He _told_ her I wouldn't be with you."

"What the fuck?" He gritted his teeth.

"She was there that night because of _him_."

He gently lifted me and sat me next to him, freeing his leg. He stood up, and then began to pace. "No," he said, shaking his head and my tears blurred my vision again.

"He said you weren't sure about _us_, so it was…" I sighed heavily. "He said it was easy for you to…it was because of him. H—he did that, Edward."

"No!" he growled. "Motherfucker! I _trusted_ him."

"He betrayed you. He betrayed you and so did I," I softly cried. "I'm so s—sorry I didn't stay and talk to you that day. I'm s—so sorry."

"_No_, it's on me. It, it doesn't matter." He continued to growl and pace.

"But it's all _his_ fault," I continued to cry.

"It doesn't fucking MATTER, Bella!" he shouted. Although I knew he wasn't yelling _at_ me, it startled me and I covered my face with my hand and sobbed. "Oh, _fuck_," he said and ran to me. "Bella, I'm _sorry_. I didn't mean to, oh _Jesus_, I'm so sorry, baby. Don't cry, _please_." He took my cheeks in his hands and kissed all over my face, small pecks all over my cheeks, forehead and lips. I grabbed him and clung to him, it seemed like for dear life.

Just then, the door flew open and Alice came barging in, Angela on her heels. "What the fuck happened?" Alice looked angry and took in the both of us, wrapped up in our emotional chasm as we looked at her, wide-eyed. "I heard yelling. Did you…" She pointed at Edward. "Did you _yell_ at my sister?"

"I'm so sorry." He looked at her, pleading. "I didn't mean to yell. I was upset and I…got too loud."

Her face blanched for a second as her eyes flashed to mine. I knew why. I knew that she was wondering if I'd told him about the baby, and I shook my head as subtly as possible, silently letting her know that I hadn't. Her eyes then flashed with anger and she directed her attention back to Edward. "You _asshole_!"

"Alice, stop," I interrupted and proceeded to tell her what I'd just disclosed to Edward.

"_Oh_, that motherfucking shady _bastard_!" she exclaimed, and Edward's eyes widened at her colorful outburst. "If I'd have known that, I would've castrated that jerk a long fucking time ago!" I sat silent, letting her vent. "You didn't have to…do what you did." She pointed at Edward, who hung his head and ran his hands through the beautiful disaster that was his hair.

"Alice," I warned, but she ignored me.

"_But_, he put the bullet in the gun. _Oh! _What a fucker!" She threw her hands in the air. "You…" She looked at me pointedly, "are _not_ going home tonight. _You_ are staying with me."

"But the kids…" I'd started, but was interrupted by her shrill tone.

"_I'll_ pick them up; damn it, Bella, you and the kids are _not_ going back there tonight at least. Do not argue with me on this one." I nodded, too exhausted to fight with her anymore.

"Okay," I stated mechanically, "I'll call the school."

"Oh no." She shook her head and smirked, leaving me confused. "You're not calling the school."

"But, they won't let you just…"

"I know. Listen, I've been holding this in all day, but not anymore. First of all, Ang and I were going to go get some lunch. Are you guys hungry?" Edward shook his head silently and I just looked at her. _So fucking typical that she would change the subject suddenly before dropping some bomb on me._ "Are you sure?" She looked to me and I huffed.

"Yes, Alice, I'm sure! Now, what the hell are you doing?"

"Fine, then Ang and I will go have some lunch out…and you two can _chill_ here for a while." She raised her eyebrows at me and I glared_._ I knew what she was getting at. Like I was going to _fucking_ have _sex_ in Angela's bed. _God, she's an idiot sometimes._

Edward cleared his throat as Angela giggled quietly behind Alice and my face caught fire. _Good Lord, we've all lost our minds._ I opened my mouth to berate her for yet again not answering me, as well as embarrassing the shit out of me in an epically inappropriate way. Then she spoke up.

"But first…I'm calling that _prick_ and giving him a piece of my mind before I make _him_ call the school and tell them the twins' Auntie Alice will be picking them up day."

"Oh, Alice, please don't," I whispered weakly and leaned into Edward.

"Alice, come on," he said, forcing his protest, but the underlying tone he had was in total agreement with her. I caught it, snapping my head to his face where I was met with a weak, but very dazzling crooked grin.

_Fuck me, I give up._

"Don't worry," she said matter-of-factly. "If he knows what's fucking good for him, he'll keep his mouth shut and won't make a move. It's time for him to know what little _Alice_ is capable of." Her voice was dripping with sarcasm as she then blurted out, "I'll cut his fucking balls off and feed them to him," as she dialed her phone.

Edward snorted, then cleared his throat quickly and I simply held my head in my hand, shaking it. "It's okay, baby." He began to rub small, gentle circles on my back. "Just let her do this. She _needs_ to, believe me." I didn't respond, knowing he was reveling in this moment. I couldn't help but feel utter panic and nausea as I heard her greet my husband.

"Jacob? Alice." It was definitely an unfriendly tone. "What's _up_? Oh, you want to know what's up? Well, I'm with my little _sister_, that's what." She paused briefly and her eyes narrowed into a glare. "You're some piece of work, you know that? Listen, I'm not even going to get into what the fuck you _did_ to her. I'm just going to tell you what the fuck you're _going_ to do for me right now. No, YOU listen to me, you wife-beating piece of shit!"

I buried my face in Edward's chest again and he held me as my sister continued to viciously assault Jake with her venomous tone.

"Yeah, I made her show me, _fuckhead_! I don't give a fuck what you think _she_ did, you don't fucking deserve her! You never have and I hope she leaves you high and motherfucking dry! Yeah? Well, you know where you can stick your _sorry_? I don't give a shit, Jake, you're an _idiot_! You're such a moron that it's almost sad. I DON'T CARE!" She screamed into the phone and I felt an ounce of vindication through my tiny, pixie-like sister with the lion's roar.

"Bella and the kids are staying with me tonight, do you hear me? So as soon as I hang up on you, which I fully intend on doing, _you_ get your ass on the phone and call the school and _tell_ them that _I _will be there to pick them up." She paused a beat. "Because she's mentally and physically DAMAGED thanks to you, _dickhead_! You'll do it, or so fucking help me. You think I can't fuck your world up, Jacob? _Oh!_ I don't give a damn who you know!"

Was he threatening her? He had more balls than I gave him credit for if he was. My sister had gone complete _psycho_ and I wouldn't put it past her to do exactly what she said she would do to him.

"You think _I_ don't have friends in high places? I'll have your company in ruins, _asshole!_ I can bring you to your knees with a snap of my little finger and you better not _ever_ forget that!"

Edward leaned down and whispered into my here, "Remind me not to ever piss off your sister, okay?" I fisted his shirt and dug my nose into it, surrounding myself with his comfort. He took it wrong, of course, and apologized. "I'm sorry, baby," he whispered, and I shook my head.

"I'm so scared," I whispered back to him. He cupped my chin and lifted it up; his lips met mine softly. When I opened my eyes, the creases and lines were prominent again as his amazing emerald eyes filled with concern for me.

"Don't be scared. I swear I'd die before I let anything happen to a single strand of hair on your beautiful head. You'll always be safe with me, Bella." he said softly, his voice thick with emotion. Then he grinned and threw a nod in Alice's direction. "And it would seem you're quite safe with Tinkerbell over there. I tried to stifle the breathy giggle that escaped my mouth as I began to take slight pleasure in the verbal battery Jake was still receiving.

"Oh, fuck you and your melodramatic _bullshit_, Jake!" Alice bellowed, "Your kids will _eat_ just fine. She doesn't _need _you anymore, Jake. Truthfully, she's never needed you. She only thought she did! I wouldn't care if you jumped off the top of the Sears Tower and professed your undying love to her on the way down. At this point, she wouldn't either, after what you've _done_ and threatened her with. You're a waste of oxygen…oh, you _bet_ I am. You mess with my family and _this_ is what you get. In fact, I'm such a crazy bitch…"

I felt both anger and fear rip through me as she said this because I realized that Jake had more than likely called her that loathsome name based on his own inability to truly take responsibility for his despicable actions. I also realized that he had more than likely lied to me about his so-called _dream_ he'd had. Although he may have felt bad about the bruises he'd left behind in his wake, he had refused to acknowledge that he'd known all along what he was doing to me. He was a cold, calculating, callous monster and I hated him.

"…that I've taken pictures of her marks, _asshole_…oh, you better believe it! So if you don't call the school and tell them I'm picking up the kids today, so fucking help me. That's right." Of course, she hadn't, but I fully intended to let her after this. "Furthermore, if you ever…and I mean _ever_ lay a hand on my sister again, I will tell my father…I'll call every news station I can get a hold of and the _whole_ world will know what you are!" She paused another beat and sighed loudly. "You don't even know what you're talking about, _idiot!_ You'll be in _jail_, if my father or myself, or even Bella doesn't shoot your fucking ass_ dead_ first. Yeah…" she said almost musically, "our dad's a _cop_. You think I don't have a gun and know how to use it…or Bella for that matter?"

Edward eyed me with shock in his eyes, and I nodded, because I did.

"Uh-huh. Your hopefully soon-to-be _ex-wife_ is actually a pretty good shot, Jacob Black, so if I were you, I'd keep your fucking hands and your _cock_ to yourself, since you seem to think it's okay to use _that_ as a weapon as well!" I felt Edward tense when she said that, and I just held him more tightly. "Better yet, maybe you should sleep with your hands _on_ your cock from now on. I'm sure it wouldn't take much more than a paring knife, and you can't be too careful, right?"

To say that hearing these unsavory things coming out of my sister's mouth was a shock was an understatement, but as the flashes of his behavior began to eclipse my thoughts of Edward, my anger toward Jake began to resurface. I knew he deserved every second of it.

"Oh, you're _right_. It _is_ her decision, and _we_ will see to it that she makes the right one. Now, you get the _fuck_ on the phone and call the school. I'll be there a little early!" With that, she snapped her phone shut, keeping her promise to him that she would indeed hang up on him, and then glanced at it briefly. There was a silence in the room for a few seconds before Alice sighed loudly, then spoke in a low tone…to herself, it seemed. "Fuck. I hope he didn't record any of that." She looked at me and grinned warmly. "Nah, he's not smart enough."

I didn't respond. I only turned my face into Edwards chest again and breathed in and out slowing, tuning out everything but his steady heart beat.

"Bella?" my sister asked cautiously. When I still didn't respond, she padded over to me and placed her hand on my hair, running her fingers through my pony tail. "Bella, I meant every word of that. I want you to know."

Suddenly, my stomach lurched and I shoved myself off Edward's chest and ran out of the room into the hall bathroom. There wasn't much to come up, but I heaved into the toilet violently. My body was rebelling against my desperate need to remain calm, and as Edward flew through the bathroom door behind me, I was mortified. He knelt behind me and spoke in a calm, soothing voice as he brushed the sweaty tendrils of my hair off my temples and foreheads. "Oh, Bella, it's okay, baby…it's okay."

"Oh my God!" I heard Alice shriek as she ran up to the door behind Edward. Then Angela gasped and I could imagine her hands flying to her chest…her signature move. Of course, I didn't see this because my head was shoved into a toilet bowl, which was making me gag even further. _Fucking wonderful. The perfect icing on the goddamned cake. Go ahead and vomit out your problems Bella, yeah, that'll solve everything. _"Is she okay?" My sister asked in a breathy tone.

I felt him kiss the top of my head, and then he whispered, "Yeah, I think so." I sighed and laid my head on my bent forearm. "Hey Angela," Edward continued. "Could you get her a cool, damp, rag please?"

"Absolutely," I heard Ang reply and then she scurried off down the hall.

Moments later, I was back in the comfort of my protector's arms on the edge of the bed in Angela's room. Silence had once again washed over everyone, and we seemed to be simply looking at one another. My bathroom antics had, no doubt, alarmed everyone to the point of being mute. I could tell, however, that Angela was busting at the seams as I looked at her. When she finally spoke up, her voice was shrill with excitement.

"Damn, Alice. You're a total badass!"

I couldn't help the giggle that escaped me as I held my head up to look at my sister- who was eyeing my reaction- and my best friend. Suddenly, the room erupted in laughter from all of us, including Edward who chortled as he also addressed my sister.

"No fucking kidding, _Tink_. Like I said before, I _fear_ you."

It was the relief that everyone needed.

Alice beamed at Edward's nickname for her…the same one he used to call her years ago, and she nodded her head. "Precisely." She turned to Angela. "Now, let's eat. Are you guys sure you're not hungry?" Edward and I shook our heads collectively and she sighed. "Okay, I'll bring you back something from Bennigan's."

She knew it was one of my favorites and I smiled at her. "Mmm, cheeseburger," I moaned. It sounded delicious and now that my stomach was completely void of anything, I was suddenly ravenous. I heard Edward let out a quiet breath and remembered something, making a mental note. _Moaning over food turns him on. Check._

"Let's go, girl." She turned toward Angela again, but stopped abruptly and turned back to us with a smirk. "Okay, we'll be gone at _least_ a couple hours. You two have fun…and, um, make sure you clean up any messes you make, right Ang?" she chirped and then flitted out the door quickly.

"_Alice!_" I screamed behind her, but she kept moving. _Damn it_. That girl had a way of pissing me off in the same thirty-second period it took her to make me smile. Angela was no help at all as I heard her cackling down the hallway behind my ridiculous sister.

Suddenly, we were alone and the room was silent again, save Edward's slightly increased breathing and heartbeat as a result of Alice's blatant insinuation. Who was _I_ kidding? My breathing and heartbeat were equally as elevated. I wanted it so badly that just the mere thought of making love to him again sent warmth flooding through my body and tingling that settled in my core. There were two problems with Alice's now obviously orchestrated plan. One, I knew Edward wouldn't agree to it, and two, I wasn't even sure I was mentally ready. I knew Edward's touch would be nothing in relation to the brutality I'd faced the night before, however, I didn't know if I would be able to get the horrifying mental images out of my head long enough to enjoy it as Edward would deserve.

I could settle for simply letting him hold me and show me love in that way this afternoon. After all, I hadn't even planned on seeing him again until Friday and even then, it wasn't as if we'd penciled in a _fuck _session while I was there for my appointment with Carlisle _for Christ's sake_.

"You should sleep, baby," he whispered into my ear and brushed his lips lightly against it, sending electric currents through my body.

I blushed and drew in a breath, hoping he hadn't seen the blood rush to my cheeks. "I'm not tired." I yawned, feeling my eyelids begin to droop.

"Oh, I can see that," he said whimsically.

"Alright, maybe a little," I replied and looked up at him through my lashes. I noticed him take in a breath as he looked back at me and I smiled. _God, he's beautiful._

"Maybe a lot." He grinned back. He moved to the head of the bed, kicking his shoes off and spread his legs, then patted the mattress between them. "Get over here my beautiful Isabella," he said in a low, sexy tone and I tried to hide the want my body was now screaming out in response.

_Don't be ridiculous, _I scolded myself, _you don't need that right now. Yes, I do need it. NO, you don't._ I was annoyed with my inner argument. I ignored my inner dialogue and gave in, scooting my way up to him and snuggling into his warm, welcoming arms.

"Here, let's see what's happening in the world this afternoon." He chuckled as he grabbed the remote and turned Angela's bedroom TV on to the twelve o'clock news. I let my eyelids close as the steady rise and fall of his chest lulled me into the beginning of a deep trance.

The mundane reports of the goings on around the city, and the weather reports were of no interest to me. The idea of snowfall soon was typical for northeastern Illinois, so again I paid no mind to it. The only thing I was interested in at the moment was clearing my mind of all things negative and focusing on Edward's warm body enveloping me. I was reveling in his strong arms, his long muscular legs gently resting around mine and I began to feel a sense of calm.

"_Police are urging women to take caution and to be aware of their surroundings as they continue to investigate the brutal rape of a young woman, who remains in stable condition at an area hospital. The attack happened at Millennium Park Saturday night, and police are still working on leads. More on this story from our correspondent, Dianne, who is on the scene._"

I was torn from my tranquility instantly and felt Edward's body tense around me at the same time. I sat myself up quickly and turned to face the television. "Wha—what did she say?" I asked on my breath, "Turn it up, Edward."

He fumbled with the remote as his hand seemed to be slightly trembling. "Bella…" he started, but I shook my head.

"Shh!" I held my hand up to stop him.

"_Thanks, Jen. Police are not giving out too many details and they're not releasing the victim's name at this point, but here's what we do know…"_

"Bella, you shouldn't be…" Edward whispered softly, but I held up my hand again to stop him as the reporter continued.

"_Chief Janowski issued a statement today that his detectives are working around the clock to solve this horrific case. He also stated that they have leads pouring into the station with descriptions of suspicious individuals, but that currently the perpetrator is still at large…_"

"Yeah, I _bet_ they are," I growled under my breath, "since they're too fucking busy following _me_ around town." Edward squeezed me gently and kissed my cheek.

"_We also know, Jen, that the victim did not see the man. Although, police seem to believe they are looking for a white male within the age range of twenty-five to thirty-five. That's all the description we could get from them. According to police, he attacked her from behind in a remote area of the park as she was taking a nighttime stroll, and that the man forced her to face the ground. The only other details we are getting are that the woman is recovering from the sexual assault, as well as some lacerations and broken ribs. It appears that this is a very dangerous individual. Jen?_"

"_Thank you, Dianne. We'll have more on this story this evening at five. Such a terrible way to begin the holiday season…"_

I couldn't hear anymore. My mind was racing. I turned and looked at Edward, whose bright emerald eyes had darkened as he searched my face.

"Oh my God," I whispered. I would normally think a story such as this was horrendous, but given what I'd been through recently and the fact that I had been at that very place on that very same day, I was taking it personally. My eyes filled up with tears once again as I began to breathe erratically and ramble. "We were just _there_, Edward. Oh _God_, I—I know how that girl feels. What if…" I gasped. "_Jesus_, what if Jake…I—I don't even know what he was really doing. I—I don't even _know_ him! What if—"

"Bella, stop. There's no way. It could've been anyone, baby. Calm down, _please_."

"I can't!" I screeched, "I know what she went through, Edward!" I began to cry again, losing control and Edward held me close, stroking my hair as I continued. "Only I…looked into his face. I saw the evil. _God!_ How do I ever get past that?"

Edward looked away briefly and muttered under his breath what sounded like "_motherfucker._" He then turned back to me and held my face steady in his gentle hands. "With me. I'll help you through it, Bella, if you'll let me." He sighed. "I promise I'll never let anything happen to you again." His face was filled with anguish, but apparently I hadn't hurt him enough today, so I questioned him.

"How, Edward? I have to go home to him before I can officially _leave_ him. How are you going to protect me there?" It was a stupid thing to say and I knew it the minute it left my mouth. I watched anger flash in his eyes as he pressed his perfect lips into a hard line and fell silent. Just as I was about to apologize, he spoke up.

"You're _not_ going back there." He growled.

"Edward, I'm sorry." I touched the line that had formed again between his brows lightly.

"For what?" He growled again under his breath and looked away.

"For questioning you. I shouldn't have. It's just that…" I paused, not exactly sure what to say. "I have to f—figure all this out." I took a breath to continue speaking, but he cut me off.

"_What_? What's to figure out, Bella? He doesn't fucking deserve you…you leave the motherfucker…end of story." His tone was acidic and it struck a nerve.

"I told you, Edward, it's not that simple. The kids…I have to talk to them, and I—I have to tell Renee and Charlie." I sighed. "Charlie is…_shit_, Charlie is going to be so—"

"Oh _bullshit_, Bella!" he snarled and I snapped my head around to look at him. His eyes had narrowed to a glare and his nostrils flared; the look of disdain clearly evident across his features. Initially, I was shocked, but my shock quickly turned to anger at his lack of understanding. "You don't have to _be_ there to talk to the kids. Do it at Alice's _tonight!_"

"No," I stated as calmly as possible. "Alice's apartment is not their _home_, Edward."

"I don't give a fuck!" He began to shake his head. "And if _Charlie_ knew what that cocksucker did to you, he would be all for _you_ getting the fuck _out_."

I nodded. "I know he would, but he's not going to know about—"

"Why? Because you're afraid Jake will tell him about _me_? About _us_? Who cares, Bella! He doesn't know _shit_." He exhaled sharply.

"No, Edward, that's not _why_."

"Then why?" His eyes were bearing holes in mine and I had to look away.

"Because I don't want to upset him. I'm his little girl, Edward." I choked on my last sentence. "It would kill him…and I want to get through the holidays without upsetting everyone with all this mess. Please, Edward." I closed my eyes. "I need you to understand."

"Well, I don't," he said in a harsh tone, and my eyelids flew open. His jaw was taut again and he seemed to be trying to hold back explosive rage. I just stared at him. "I don't _fucking_ understand, okay? I don't understand why you're so _fucking_ concerned about everyone else, Bella."

"I can handle myself, Edward." My tone now started to have a sour edge to it.

"_Oh_, I can see that," he spat and I gasped. Angry tears began to form in my eyes again as he continued to spew his livid words. "You should never want to fucking _see_ him again after this." He swept his hand in the air over my body. "Fuck everyone else's feelings, Bella, I don't understand _you_, okay?" I shook my head as my eyes narrowed to a glare and the tears continued their threat to spill over my eyelids again.

He kept going, unfazed by my own building rage. "I don't understand why you can't just leave him. Why you can't just be with _me_ and forget him. Why won't you just let this happen?" He motioned between us and hurt flashed in his eyes briefly before the anger returned. "But you won't. You won't let yourself be fucking _happy_. If you go back there, you'll stay. You'll _never_ leave, and you'll…_fuck_…you'll ruin your life, Bella." Pain flashed again in his eyes and I began to feel like an asshole for obviously hurting him again. "And you'll ruin mine," he said quietly. Then the anger returned ten fold as he snarled, "You are being so _stupid_!"

That was it. It was the straw that broke the camel's back and I snapped. Tears exploded over my eyelids and I shoved him in his chest, eliciting a gasp from him. A look of shock, then regret spread across his face. "Oh, now I'm _stupid_, right?" I blurted out through my tears, "I'm _stupid_, Edward?" He began to shake his head, but I continued, "I'm so _stupid_ that I don't want to hurt my parents…d—don't want to f—fuck up my kids so much that they'll hate me later? I _want_ them to have a good Christmas, Edward! Th—they don't know what's going on and they w—won't understand."

"I'm so sorry," he whispered and continued to shake his head. His face was blurry and contorted through my liquid vision.

"S—save it, Edward," I stuttered. My body was trembling with agony and anger, and I felt myself unraveling again. He reached his arms around me to hold me again, but I pushed him away. "D—don't touch me! My fucking h—head is so messed up and _you_…how can you say that to me? I n—need you to u—understand. I w—want y—you, Edward," I cried.

"_Fuck_," he whispered and ran his hands through his godforsaken, beautifully chaotic hair.

"I d—don't know what to do and I can't f—fucking _deal_ with this!" I hiccupped and coughed. This time, he reached around me and pulled me to him, holding me tightly.

"Oh, Bella, I'm so sorry. _Please_, I didn't think about it first. _Please_ stop crying, baby." He held my chin up to look into his eyes that were glistening as he spoke. "I'm an asshole." I nodded and he chuckled softly. "I love you so much, Bella. I swear to _God_, I'll wait for you if it takes a lifetime. If…if it kills me, I don't care. You're _it_ for me." I let out a strangled sob and collapsed onto his chest. "Shh, baby, it's okay." He stroked my hair and pulled my face up to his, placing his lips on mine softly. It wasn't enough to calm me down completely, so I buried my face in his chest and continued to cry.

_Jesus, I'm such a fucking crybaby. _I was getting so pissed at myself for my complete lack of control.

He began to rock me slowly in his arms and given the fact that I felt like an infant, it seemed to help. Then he began to hum softly. I recognized the tune of the song, but couldn't place it until he started to sing the words quietly into my ear. _"When I see your smile, the tears run down my face…"_ His voice sounded a little shaky, so I tilted my head up and gazed at his face through my watery eyes. "Listen to the words, Bella. It's, uh…" He cleared his throat. "Exactly how I feel."

I smiled, instantly feeling better. "Turn the TV off so I can hear your sexy voice then." I quirked an eyebrow at him and he licked his lips, sending a vibration through my body. He reached for the remote and hit the power button, then wrapped his arms around me again. He began to rock us once again as he sang.

"_I can't replace…and now that I'm strong I have figured out, how this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul…And I know I'll find, deep inside of me, I can be the one…"_ He took a breath and kissed just under my ear. I shivered. _"I will never let you fall, I'll stand up with you forever…I'll be there for you through it all…even if saving you sends me to Heaven…"_

I gasped and let another tear slip out as I sat up and turned around, looking into his sparkling green eyes. He reached up with one hand and cupped the side of my face. _"It's okay…"_ he continued to sing, _"it's okay…" _He blinked, squeezing his eyes together quickly and a tear pushed its way out of one of his eyes. As it began its slow decent down his cheek, I turned myself completely around until my entire body was facing him. I sat on my bent knees in between his legs and placed my hands on his cheeks, cupping the side with the jagged trail of his tear. I brushed it away with my thumb and tried to breathe as he struggled with the rest of the lyrics, his lips trembling slightly.

I recognized the song. I love this song by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, and he was right. He was _right_. It was perfect. He was my guardian angel, and it scared the shit out of me._ "It's okay…"_ He sang softly, almost in a whisper. _"Seasons are changing and waves are crashing, and stars are falling all for us. Days grow longer and nights grow shorter…I can show you I'll be the one."_

I held my breath, trying not to let my emotions get to me again, like they'd been doing all day. He repeated the chorus and I had to let my breath rush out as his voice cracked on the last word, _Heaven_. But he didn't falter; he continued without missing a beat._ "Cause you're my…you're my…my…my true love, my whole heart. Please don't throw that away."_

I shook my head and blinked my eyes, forcing the tears out as they splashed onto my cheeks. He pulled my face to his and crashed his lips into mine, kissing me passionately. My body burst into flames and I completely forgot about my pain, my bruises, and my manipulative prick of a husband. He pressed his forehead into mine gently as he broke the kiss and I groaned, immediately missing the electric contact his lips gave me. He let out a breathy chuckle as he continued melting my soul with his voice. _"Cause I'm here…for you…please don't walk away and please tell me you'll stay…stay…"_ He licked his lips and I couldn't stop myself from grabbing his head, pulling him to me and trailing my tongue along the path that his had just taken.

He parted his lips and exhaled sharply; his breath washed over me like fresh rain and I took the opportunity to enter his mouth with my tongue. He welcomed it, pulling me closer to him and began to twirl his tongue around mine. It felt so soft and so gentle. I couldn't help the moan that escaped my lips as I turned my head slightly to give him more access. He tangled his hands in my hair and began to massage my scalp as our kisses became more urgent. I felt fire in the pit of my stomach and it began to spread throughout my body.

This was want I needed for the rest of my life; _this_ was what I had been missing as I'd lied to myself all those years. I knew this now, it was painfully clear. At this particular moment, however, I also knew that I needed more physical contact than just kissing. My body was screaming for it and I didn't want to fight it anymore today.

I was still sitting on my knees in front of him and it was far from good enough. I shifted myself forward, breaking our kiss and pressing my body into his. He groaned, and I wasn't sure if it was because our mouths were no longer in contact, or because his face was now positioned directly in front of my chest. I didn't care either way because I knew the want behind that groan and it fueled me. I grabbed the headboard and pulled, pressing myself further into him as his nose ran a straight line up the middle of my chest. His lips soon followed, leaving my skin tingling and they soon found purchase on my collar bone. His tongue began to work its magic on my skin, causing me to throw my head back and moan his name softly. I shifted my knee upward slightly and grazed his rock hard erection…up, then back down slowly.

"_Fuck_, Bella," he whispered on a heavy breath as his teeth came in contact with my shoulder.

"Yes?" I whispered, smirking. Then I repeated the same action.

"_Shit_." He hissed, and grabbed my hips gently. He slid himself down from his sitting position until he was lying flat. My legs still between his, and I found myself lying flat on top of him. I planted my lips firmly on his sharp jaw and kissed my way up to his awaiting mouth. Our tongues met again with desperation and fury. His grip on my hips, while still gentle, tightened. I took the subtle cue and ground my pelvis into his. "Oh fuck." He growled, and I moaned into his mouth. I felt a slight tinge of pain on the delicate skin covering my pelvic bone and my mind flashed briefly to Jake's furious actions. My trepidation, however, was short lived when I heard Edward whisper "baby" against my lips and suddenly, I didn't fucking care anymore.

I wanted Edward. I wanted _this_, and I was determined to get my way.

He was making no effort to stop me as he removed a hand from my hip and slipped it inside the front of the robe. "Yes!" I cried as I arched my back to give his hand easier access to my breasts. He massaged them gently and caressed his thumbs over my now tight nipples as I ground myself into his hard cock again. He sucked in a ragged breath and reached his other hand behind my head, pressing my lips to his again.

"This," he whispered after sucking on my bottom lip, "is a bad…" He kissed me again. "…idea in your…" He traced my top lip with his tongue. "…condition."

"I don't care," I said on a heavy breath, my chest now heaving as I moved my left hand down in between us to cup is even harder erection. I barely paid attention to the sting of pain I felt in my wrist.

"_Jesus_, baby." He hissed and arched his back slightly, digging his head into the comforter. I immediately swooped down and took his jaw, fucking sexy with minimal stubble, between my lips. I scraped it gently with my teeth and he jolted his hips forward against my hand as he took in another ragged breath. "_Bellllaaaa_." He groaned. "St—op."

"Mm-mm," I responded, moving my lips to his ear where I whispered, "I want you, Edward. I want this."

"_God_, you're fucking _killing _me, Bella," he whispered back. "I don't want to hurt…_shit!_" he shrieked as I gently bit into his earlobe, pulling it between my lips. His hips thrust against my hand again, giving me much needed friction…painfully pleasurable. I moaned, feeling the moisture pool in my already wet panties. "Fuck, it's so hard to resist you but we…we shouldn't…you're bruises—"

I sat back up on my knees in between his legs in a huff. "I _said_ I don't care, Edward." I glanced down at the prominent bulge in his jeans and quirked an eyebrow as I looked at him pointedly. Then I licked my lips as I watched his gorgeous eyes roll back into his head. I untied the plush belt of the robe, and then slid the soft material off my shoulders. His eyes became wide as they followed my every movement, and then settled exactly where I didn't want them to…on my bruises. "Don't," I said as he furrowed his brow and snapped his eyes back to mine. "Look in my eyes, Edward. I don't care what _he_ did anymore. I'm not his…and you're what I want. I need you." I looked at him through my lashes with hooded eyes until he sighed in defeat. I grinned ever so slightly and began to maneuver my body to straddle him. As I swung my leg over his tense, muscular thigh, however, my bruised leg grazed the denim material of his jeans and I hissed.

"_No_," he growled as I cringed in pain, and planted his large hand firmly on the outside of my thigh to stop my movement. "Bella, _no_, I won't let you hurt yourself." I immediately covered my eyes with my left hand, both embarrassed and angry, and pressed my fingers into my temples. _Why did that asshole have to do this to me? _

"Fucking Jacob!" I snarled. My voice was thick with emotion and tears began to well up in my eyes again.

"Oh, baby," Edward whispered and ran his fingers up my arm to my hand. Electric currents raced through my body again and the want I felt mad me even more upset. I dropped my hand and looked at the man I loved with tear-filled eyes. This man was gentle, loving…willing to sacrifice pleasure to keep me from hurting. _Jake_ was a monster…selfish, manipulative and possessive…willing to sacrifice my well-being for is own pleasure and control.

"I fucking _hate_ him," I growled. "I hate him! How could he do this to me?" If I'd thought about that too much, it was laughable. _I was asking how my_ _husband could damage my body so much that I couldn't enjoy fucking another man. Ridiculous, but so was the state of my life right now._ The guilt tried to claw its way into me, but I fought against it. Edward sat himself up quickly and wrapped his long arms around me, holding me.

"Shh, it's okay, sweetie, it's okay."

I threw my head back and nearly shouted as I let my anger flow. "No, it is NOT okay! Nothing is okay." In a swift, fluid movement, Edward turned us and flipped me over onto my back. The top half of the robe was tossed to the side and I now lay on the bunched up material like a cushion, slightly shifting my hips upward. I took in an exhilarated breath and studied his face. His expression was warm and inviting; his eyes were dark and lustful, yet caring at the same time. He hovered over me, his chest heaving in and out.

"I'm going to make it all go away, Bella." He cooed, then sat up and his eyes began to shift downward as he took in every square inch of my body it seemed. It was as if I was enveloped in his warm gaze as his eyes washed over me, and it quickly spread throughout my body. He reached down with both hands and lightly brushed the remaining material of the robe off my legs and licked his lips. "Let me make you feel good, baby." The tone of his voice sent a vibration through me that I could not deny…nor could I respond. _Jesus, the power this man has over me was otherworldly._

Finally, my voice came back to me in a weak, raspy tone. "But, what about you? I want you to feel—"

"No way," he interrupted. "It's not about me." Before I could protest further, he swooped down and attached the side of my jaw with his soft lips, moving upward to my ear. "You are everything, Bella, _everything_," he whispered into it, sending a wave of goose bumps across every inch of me.

"Oh God," I said softly as his lips moved downward again to my own. He kissed me hungrily, but continued to move, leaving his warm breath and wet kisses along my neck and down to my collar bone. His delicious mouth continued to feed on my skin, down my arms, where he gently kissed the bruises Jake had left behind. He glided across my chest again and repeated that same amazing gesture on my other arm. My heart swelled in my chest. He slipped his hands behind my back with ease and unclasped my bra as I helped him by lifting myself slightly. _Oh yes, Edward, that's it. Don't chicken out now, please, don't chicken out._ He discarded the flimsy satin material without taking his eyes off my body, then caught my gaze and grinned.

"Beautiful," he muttered under his breath. I gasped as he palmed my left breast gently, then wrapped his lips around my very taut nipple.

"Oh _God_, Edward!" It was my turn to dig the back of my head into the comforter and I tangled my fingers into his hair as I pressed him harder into me. He let go of my left breast and then moved to my right, gently kneading, kissing and sucking my nipple again into his mouth. He was marking me with love rather than hate, and I was relishing in it; I was losing my fucking mind in a very good way. All thoughts of the asshole and the torture he'd put me through the night before were erased as Edward moved his electrifying kisses down to my ribcage and onto my abdomen. My muscles clenched; my skin was ablaze and I wanted so badly to buck into his chest to attain some friction, but his legs had mine pinned between them. My breathing was once again spiraling out of control as his lips and his warm breath seemed to cleanse me of all my trauma. His large, amazing hands caressed and explored the skin on my hips, moving to my ass and under my thighs. I tried to buck, but again, it was futile. I moaned in both frustration and pleasure, wishing he would move those long fingers or that magnificent tongue to where I needed it the most right now. "Oh, Edward, _please_." I hissed as I writhed underneath him.

"Mmmh," he responded in a moan against my stomach that almost sent me careening over the edge by the sheer sound- and feel- of it. "Bella, I've fucking missed this."

"It's only been less than forty-eight hours." I giggled breathily.

"I don't fucking care." He growled as he licked inside my navel, then gently took the skin beneath it between his teeth.

"Oh _shit!_" I cried out softly and bucked involuntarily. The throbbing along with the moisture in my panties was unbearable. I couldn't take much more of this. I would come soon without him so much as touching me there. I felt him smile wildly against my skin at my reaction.

"Baby, I could do this twenty-four/seven," he said as he licked where he'd just gently bitten me.

"I want you to," I whispered.

Suddenly, his actions felt urgent, yet still smooth and methodical as he sat up, hooked his fingers inside the elastic of my panties and pulled them swiftly off my legs. I didn't have time to react before his velvet hands were moving up and down my legs, straightening them out and placing them between his again. _Fucker._ He was being too careful with me, avoiding opening my knees up for fear he'd hurt me. It was frustrating to say the least, but I loved him so much more in that moment because of it. He moved himself up, hovering over me, then lowered his face to mine and kissed my nose. He licked my lips and I parted them, giving him total access to my tongue. I took the opportunity to slip my left hand quickly into the front of his jeans, feeling the coarse, sexy trail of hair on the way down. I wrapped my fingers around his rigid cock.

"_Fuck_!" He groaned as he nearly collapsed on top of me. "Bella, you're going to make me come in my fucking jeans."

"You don't have to." I smirked. "I want you to come inside me," I purred as I bit into his chin. His eyes rolled back in his head again and he clenched his teeth, the muscled in his jaw straining.

"And that fucking mouth of yours is _not_ helping."

I gripped his dick a little tighter and he bucked in my hand. The fly of his jeans lightly grazed my clit and I arched my back, bucking along with him as I moaned. "_Jesus_, Edward, _please_!" He pulled my hand from his pants swiftly and pushed himself up. I grumbled to myself in response, but he answered my grumbling promptly by placing his mouth on my hip bone and sucking. "Oh!" I exhaled sharply and he then placed his hands gently between my knees, opening them. _Thank you…thank you_. His fingers began to trace lightly along the inside of my thighs, carefully avoiding the menacing bruises and his mouth continued to dance along my skin, leaving more electric tingles. I felt him getting closer and closer to my throbbing center and having the foothold that I needed, I bucked my hips upward, coming in contact with the stubble on his jaw. I moaned again. He shifted his head over slightly and blew gently on my center. It was like desperately needed oxygen to a fire, fueling the flame. I felt his tongue then.

_Oh sweet, sweet victory._

The tip of it began at my entrance and moved upward, circling my throbbing bud, which he then sucked between his lips. "Oh God, _yes_!" I cried out as I writhed beneath his mouth. To my agonizing disappointment, he pulled away quickly and I found myself grumbling once again. "Goddamn it." I hissed with my eyes closed, until I felt his lips on mine suddenly and furiously devouring me. I gasped, but hungrily took his bottom lip in mine. As I bit down, he moaned, feral and guttural…and I felt the rush of heat flood to my core. It was fucking _throbbing_, literally, and I needed the relief that only he could provide me. "Touch me, Edward," I moaned into his mouth. "Please."

He responded with his actions, excruciatingly slowly moving his hand down my body. He ghosted his fingertips across my chest, over my nipples and I arched my back in response. He then moved them down my abdomen, creating tingling swirls and circles with his magical fingertips. He reached the skin below my waist, tickling one hip bone, then across to the other, and my breath hitched. Finally, he reached the place I needed him the most. He teased me by tracing circles just above my swollen bud all the while still kissing me passionately and driving me mad with his tongue. Suddenly, he plunged his hand downward and cupped my sex. Soon after, he parted my slick folds and ran his long middle finger up and down my center.

"_Oh my God_!" I screeched as he continued. He entered me with one finger, then added another and I bucked wildly into his hand. "Edward," I panted, "don't stop, please…_fuck_! Don't stop!"

"Baby, you feel so fucking amazing." He breathed into my ear as he began to pump his fingers into me, curling them upward and rubbing quick circles with his thumb.

"Oh _God_! Oh…Edward, I'm—" He took my mouth with his and I parted my lips, barely able to breath. Our tongues attacked each other again, moving in perfect unison, like two warriors dancing around one another as we took turns sucking one another's lips.

"Mmm…so good…so beautiful…I love you so much," he murmured between kisses and all I could do was moan embarrassingly in response. As he continued to work me over with his fingers, pumping them further into me, my muscles began to clench and contract. He curled them into me one last time with a final pump, and I screamed his name as I let go. "Who's girl are you?" he growled into my ear.

"Oh, _fuck_, Edward! I'm yours!" I cried the God's honest truth as I rode out the most spectacular orgasm brought on by fingers alone.

"Say it again," he whispered as he continued the circular movement of his thumb on my now very sensitive clit.

"Yours…I'm yours…_always_," I said through my gasps. He pulled me to him and delicately kissed me as he removed his fingers from my body. I instantly felt like I'd lost a piece of myself, but as he brought his hand up, I grabbed it and sucked those magnificent fingers into my mouth.

"Holy shit, Bella!" He gasped as my tongue ran along his fingers. "What are you trying to _do_ to me?"

"Mmm," I moaned in response as I tasted myself on his skin. "Your turn." I smirked and licked my lips as I pulled his talented fingers slowly from my mouth. His eyes rolled back in his head again briefly as I reached down to palm his discontented, rock hard cock.

"_Fuck_." He hissed as he thrust into my hand and I smiled. Suddenly he removed my hand from his erection and pulled it to his lips, kissing it gently. "Not a chance." He smiled and the warmth from it engulfed me. "You're going to rest now." He grinned again, and then smirked. "But if you insist, I guess I'll let you make it up to me another time."

I smirked back at him. "Oh is that right, Doctor? Well, maybe if you're lucky." I yawned suddenly and my eyelids felt as if they had twenty-pound weights on them.

"Yes, I am…so lucky," Edward whispered as he reached up and cupped my cheeks, then kissed my forehead.

"You're not lucky," I whispered back to him, mesmerized by his brilliant emeralds. "You're the most amazing person on the planet." Then I closed my eyes and rested my head on his chest, feeling again the rhythmic rise and fall of it and allowing it to lull me.

The last thing I heard him say as I let the magic of the moment take me into slumber, was, "Sleep now, baby, sleep."

XXXX

_****Chapter End Notes, A/N: Ahhh, so what did you think? How 'bout Alice…bad ass enough? Was the smut inappropriate for the situation? I want to know, so you know what time it is, people! REVIEW! How 'bout Edward singing to her. Be still my heart, right? What do you think about Edward's contemplation on the connection between James, Jake, Victoria and Riley? Interesting things are about to happen. Again…opinions my friends! Up next…more Bella pov and some interaction with Leah, which I know you all are forming your own opinions there. Also, a new character and hopefully a little comic relief with her, much to Bella's annoyance. You'll see what I mean. Reviewers get a "singing" private examination from the good Docward. *wink***_

_**A couple of fic recs for you while you're waiting my next chapter: **_

"_**Two Makes Three," by xXTailoredDreamsXx, it's absolutely excellent! **_

_**Also, check out "The Long Way Home," by my good buddy, Magnolia822. It's a one-shot that WON the "Picture says it all" contest. It's amazing.**_

_**I don't have all that much time to read, but as I find new ones, I will rec them out! **_


	36. Chapter 34 One Fine Wire

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past**

**Chapter 34, "One Fine Wire" ~ Colbie Caillat**

Bella pov

_****A/N: So, you guys are pretty amazing. I can't say it enough. The reviews I get are out of this world, and I'm crowning a winner this time. *Irish Charm*- you blew me away…literally. The rest of you, absolutely fantastic. I'm stunned each chapter at the love this story is receiving. Of course I'm a greedy bitch and want more…but we all have our little faults, right? I've decided to reward my amazing reviewers this time with an exclusive outtake. You won't want to miss what Bella finds out at the twins' school, so REVIEW!**_

_**Big, big love goes out to my betas. Sweetishbubble – you are grammatically fantastical, my dear! I want to welcome back my beautiful and preggers beta, THEsnapcrakklepop! I'm so, so glad you're back, I've missed you bunches! Still sending love out to my previous beta, Love Of Escapism, who I miss dearly. Get better, darlin!**_

_**I know Bella's catching some flack here, and believe me, I understand it. But if you all could do me a big favor and just put yourselves in her complicated shoes for a second. It's not that easy to just up and leave…even a complete maniac like Jake. It will happen, and it will happen sooner than even Bella expects it to, but in the mean time, she's got some serious decisions to make and shit to sort through. Mwuah! Love you guys!**_

**Song Link, On Fine Wire- www(dot)youtube(dot)****com/watch?v=mCpx1I3XqRY *replace the (dot) with a period to hear the song!**

_**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended and there is no financial gain by myself for this story. **__**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and its characters…I do not. I simply like to contort them into my sick view of things. Oh, and make them do dirty things to each other. **_©2009/2010 WickedCurveBall74/RobsMyEdibleArt, All rights reserved worldwide.

XXXX

"_I try so many times, but it's not taking me,_

_And it seems so long ago, that I used to believe,_

_And I'm so lost inside of my head, and crazy,_

_But I can't get out of it, I'm just stumbling,_

_And I'm juggling all the thoughts in my head,_

_I'm juggling and my fears on fire,_

_But I'm listening as it evolved in my head,_

_I'm balancing on one fine wire,_

_And I remember the time my balance was fine,_

_And I was just walking on one fine wire,_

_I remember the time my balance was fine,_

_And I was just walking on one fine wire,_

_But it's frayed at both the ends…and I'm slow unraveling,_

_Life plays such silly games inside of me,_

_And I've had some distant cried, following,_

_And their entwined between, the night and sunbeams,_

_I wish I were free from this pain in me,_

_And I'm juggling all the thoughts in my head,_

_I'm juggling and my fears on fire,_

_But I'm listening as it evolved in my head,_

_I'm balancing on one fine wire,_

_And I remember the time my balance was fine,_

_And I was just walking on one fine wire,_

_I remember the time my balance was fine,_

_And I was just walking on one fine wire,_

_But it's frayed at both the ends…and I'm slow unraveling…"_

XXXX

The rest of the week went by in agonizingly slow motion. Falling asleep in Edward's arms was exactly what I needed and I slept for hours. Of course, it couldn't last. Although I knew this, _God_ I didn't want it to end. We clung to each other that afternoon as if our lives depended on it as we slept until we were forced to leave one another and tend to our obligations. Alice had gone to pick up the twins as she'd promised and when Ben came home, Angela explained everything to him, so he was all the happier to give Edward a ride back to his apartment. Angela then took me to Alice's, where my babies awaited my arrival.

They were none the wiser because their _fabulous_ Auntie Alice had told them we were having a sleep-over at her house. She had surprised me once again after I'd become aware that she had made a stop at my house to pick up some essentials for our overnight stay; school clothes for the kids, clothes for me and toiletries. Not only did she take care of that for me, but she'd pulled out all the stops to keep the twins from asking why they weren't home with their daddy. She had movies, popcorn and ice cream sundaes that we all made in the kitchen together. She really was the best, and I was so grateful to her for taking care of us that night. I showered her with gratitude and apologized a million times for being such a bitch about Edward.

It was difficult for her to take me home after we dropped the twins off at school the next morning – getting the subtle _stink eye_ from cutesy Miss Wolfe – but I knew that I had to take care of things myself. I also knew that Jake wouldn't lay a finger on me again if he valued his life. After my day spent with Edward, my sister and my best friend, my sorrow over the situation had turned to anger. I didn't need for her to remind me of the nine millimeter Glock nineteen she and I had bought and registered for together some time ago…the one I'd kept hidden from Jake at Alice's apartment. I'd left it there mainly because I didn't feel I needed it for protection, until now. Funny how I'd thought my sister would be the one that would need it before I would since she was tiny, single, and lived alone. How ironic that the monster we'd feared would break into _her_ home in the middle of the night and try to do unspeakable things to _her_ was really always sleeping peacefully next to me and I had been oblivious, until now.

Still, she reminded me of the gun and, amazingly enough, had stuffed it in my bag unbeknownst to me. I agreed to take it, needing little convincing from her as I'd already made up my mind. If he tried to touch me again in violence, I would kill him…and then our kids would be without parents as I rotted away in some prison cell. As much as I prayed that would never happen, Alice had always been named as sole guardian of Robby and Krissy should something happen to both Jake and I, so I took cold comfort in that.

Leah started her housekeeping job for me that day, meeting me at the house with a quizzical look on her face when she saw Alice drop me off – which I ignored completely. I hid the small gun case, which I reprogrammed quickly to only be opened by my finger prints, under the bed on my side, and Leah and I went about our business. Jacob was already gone to the office, or _wherever_ his dealings took him – _I no longer gave a shit_ – and for that I was immensely thankful.

Although I dreaded it, I knew I needed to get back into the swing of work, so I prepared myself to make a phone call to my Editor in Chief at the paper, Kate.

Kate Denali was a hard-nosed bitch, but it was a requirement for the position she held at the _Tribune_, and I liked her as well as respected her completely. The only thing I disliked about her was her relation to _Tanya Denali_, also known as the perfection that was Edward's ex-love. They were sisters, so I tried not to hold it against her. Luckily, Kate never really mentioned Tanya that much and I didn't think she saw her that much either, since she'd moved out of state. For that, I was thankful, but it made me feel like a jerk that Kate didn't feel like she could mention her family around me. It wasn't as if Tanya had ever done anything to me other than date Edward before me _and_ won over the hearts of his parents. They _were_ high school sweethearts after all. It was only natural that his parents fell in love with her. I guessed I'd never had the chance to win them over. If I had known what Jake had done, things would've been different…_maybe_.

I growled to myself at that thought. _My_ high school sweetheart, if you could call Alec that, didn't exactly win over my father's heart. When he'd suggested that we go skiing on Memorial Day weekend at the lake, my dad was less than thrilled. When I injured my ankle because of that suggestion, I thought my father was going to lock him up for life. He did throw him in a jail cell for twenty-four hours for reckless endangerment, and scared the shit out of poor Alec. Our relationship was never the same. Needless to say, it didn't last long after that, but then again, I'd met Edward the day I hurt my ankle. I smiled at the bittersweet memory.

"Kate Denali." Her voice broke me from my reverie as I quickly responded.

"Hey Kate, it's Bella."

"Well, if it isn't the black swan. Nice of you to check in…_finally_," she retorted sardonically and I cringed at her clever nickname for me.

"I know, I'm sorry. It's uh, it's been a long week."

"You're telling me. Do you know how many phone calls I've received about your column, or absence of, the last two weeks?"

"Kate, we talked about this. I can't really type right now." I huffed.

"Yes, _dear_, and that's why I need you to get with the intern. She needs to be kept busy. She's getting on my last nerve and it would be the perfect job for her to type up your column for you."

"Ugh," I groaned quietly as she continued relentlessly.

"I need you to get your _ass_ in here and talk to the girl, at least run your ideas by her and get her out of my hair. I want to see you in my office in two hours. You can drive yourself alright, right?"

"Fine," I mumbled, not even addressing the fact that I could drive. It wouldn't have made much of a difference to the _Ice Queen._

"Oh, and don't sound so pissy, honey. You know I've missed the hell out of you!" She chuckled and I rolled my eyes. That was a farce. She may have missed the work I did, but I normally worked from home, and set my own hours to go into the office as rarely as possible, so she didn't miss my presence there.

"Oh, hey Kate." I caught her before she hung up on me without saying goodbye, another thing that annoyed the fuck out of me about her.

"Yes, dear Bella?" _Ugh. Such sarcasm._

"I need to talk to you anyway when I get there. I want to do something a little, um, different with the column this week."

"Yeah, okay fine," she blurted, "see you soon."

"Okay, b—" I started the usual and customary way to end a phone call until I heard a click and growled to myself.

As much as I knew she would throw a fit and protest, my horrifying experience had sparked an intense curiosity, and I suddenly found myself wanting the subject of my next column to be focused on battered women. I'd already started doing a little research once I'd gotten back home and was overcome by what I'd read about it. I wouldn't consider myself a _battered_ wife, but I recognized symptoms in myself right away from what I'd gone through physically. I also found myself feeling a sense of pride that I had _at least_ talked about it. Still, I was painfully aware that I initially had no intentions of anyone finding out, especially Edward, but I was grateful for the chain of events that had taken place as a result. What I was struck the most by, however, was the information I had delved into regarding the mental and psychological aspect of abuse. I also read a little on psychological abuse alone. I was shocked, horrified, and appalled at what I recognized I had become over the years. I realized that when my family and friends stated they'd seen Jake turn into a dickhead over the years, they had to have noticed a change in me. I noticed subtle changes…not enough for a stranger to take a second look, but I was different than I used to be, and I knew that now.

After the years spent dealing with Jacob's mood swings, the jealousy, possessiveness, the quiet put-downs, I'd become slowly and subtly withdrawn and void of feelings. I never really considered myself a depressed person. In fact, it had always annoyed me when people claimed that as an ailment, but I had been a fucking _idiot_. I couldn't even recognize what had been happening to my own self. I hardly spent time with my friends anymore; I felt worthless and worst of all, I felt like a terrible mother. I never used to be like that. I blamed it on getting older; I blamed it on the stresses of raising twins, and I always felt like I was being punished for keeping our baby girl's existence from Edward. The last part I still felt, now more than ever. Especially since the only time I felt like a person now was in _his_ presence, and he would most likely remove himself from my life when he found out.

_What a pathetic mess I am._

I refused to remain this way, however. I refused to be those women I read about in my brief research. I knew the healing started with me; I had to do this, so I left the house reluctantly in the hands of Leah for a couple hours. She'd seemed like a trustworthy person when I met her briefly, but again, I couldn't even trust my own fucking husband anymore, nor could I trust Leah's "respectable" police detective cousin, so my idea of _trustworthy_ was frankly insignificant. Regardless, I had no choice but to go into the office. If I didn't, Kate would be up my ass relentlessly.

I explained to Leah my need to run to the office, that I truthfully needed to talk with my boss and get back into my work and, finally, that I was trusting her completely with my house. I noticed the recognition in her eyes at the insinuation in my tone and she responded that she would take good care of my home. I gave her some mundane cleaning tasks: laundry, a little dusting, and left the rest up to her. Then I headed out the door.

Driving was still uncomfortable but it was getting easier, so I managed to get myself to the office in one piece. I saw a lot of unfamiliar faces rushing about and buried in their cubicles, either typing furiously or on the phone getting the latest news and gossip from "sources". Working from home kept me out of the loop on new employees, so naturally I received curious glances as I trudged my way to the back, heading directly towards Kate's enormous workspace. Her office was completely surrounded by glass…the perfect metaphor for the Ice Queen that she was. I waved to a couple people I actually recognized and had worked with, when I actually left the fucking house, Peter and Charlotte, but I didn't stop to chat. This was yet another reminder of how anti-social I'd become over the years, and I was suddenly pissed at myself for turning into this…_shell_ of what I used to be.

For a split second, I was pissed that I'd even begun my research earlier, and reconsidered my idea. _Did I even what to know what I'd become? _Maybe I'd have been better off just burying my head in the sand a little longer. _No…no! _I squabbled in my head, _this stops now. I refuse to be that any longer. This could help me heal, anonymously, of course._

As I rounded a corner, determination back in my head and my mind made up, I was nearly steam-rolled by a stunning young woman – presumably early to mid twenties – that seemed to be on a mission herself. She was dressed in stiletto heels and a pretentious pant suit that was tight enough to hug her every feminine curve, including her ridiculously amazing and robust chest. Her mousy brown hair was pulled up into a loose, messy bun and her face bore a look of frustration. Her eyes were focused on a giant stack of papers she was struggling to carry and I heard her grumbling under her breath, something about a "sarcastic, stone cold bitch." I chuckled to myself, knowing exactly who she was referring to, and tried to maneuver myself out of her way, but the pathway through the cubicles was quite narrow. She lifted her head at the last minute and jumped, seeing that she was dangerously close to me, as the stack of papers in her hands went flying and fluttering to the floor around us.

"Shit!" she whispered and bent down to gather them, nearly loosing her footing in her outlandish heels. I followed her and began picking up random sheets of paper, stacking them on the floor as she shook her head and looked at me graciously. "I'm so sorry," she muttered, exasperated. I smiled and handed her some of the papers, now in complete disarray.

"It's okay." I smiled again. "Having a rough day with the stone cold bitch?" I giggled and her deep brown eyes became wide as she suddenly looked aghast.

"Oh crap! You _heard_ that? I didn't mean…please don't…she'll skin me alive if she —"

"Oh please." I interrupted her and rolled my eyes. "Don't worry about it. You must be new. Don't let Kate get to you, she's like that to everyone at first."

"Well, thank you." She grinned half-heartedly. "And I am new, actually."

We both stood once the mess was cleaned up and she proceeded to smooth her clothing with one immaculately manicured hand. She extended that manicured hand, shaking mine eagerly and proceeded to introduce herself. "My name is Nicolette Roseau, but I go by Nicci. That's Nicci with two c's, definitely not the two k's, because I _hate_ that. It's so ordinary, you know?" She tilted her head to the side. I nodded, and then took a breath. I was about to introduce myself, but was cut short as she continued. "Then again, I would always get these _people_ that would see my name, like teachers in school you know, and think it was pronounced with the 'ch' sound…and they would call me Nichie. _Nichie!_ Can you believe that? Like anyone would name their child _Nichie_. That's just utterly ridiculous!" She laughed and rolled her eyes.

I did as well, but not in response to the same thing she had. _Christ_, it was the younger version of Jessica Stanley. She was the only other person I knew that could ramble on about something as silly as the spelling of her name.

"My parents never understood when I complained about it. It nearly ruined my childhood." I searched her face for a hint of sarcasm, but saw only sincerity and sadness for her _very_ difficult plight. _Was this girl for real?_ She was beginning to make me twitch with annoyance and I suddenly felt the need to walk away from her before even introducing myself _and_ before I did something rash, like smacking her in her lovely, tanned face. She was irritating me in the first five minutes of meeting her and apparently, she interpreted my dumfounded expression and stare as one of interest, so of course she kept talking.

"Anyway, I'm an intern here…"

My stomach dropped. _Please don't be the one. Please don't be the one._

"…and I'm supposed to be meeting with this girl, Bella, today…"

_Fucking wonderful. _

"…who has this really popular column and I'm, like, really excited to work with her, but I'm so nervous because I, like, want to make a good impression, you know?"

_Yeah,_ I scoffed to myself, _too late for that._ I instantly knew why this girl had gotten on Kate's nerves. She preferred quiet confidence and unfortunately, so did I.

"Well, don't be nervous." I stated and forced myself to grin at her. "I don't normally bite."

"What?" she said. Her faced blanched slightly. "_You're_ Bella Black?"

I nodded. "_Swan_-Black, but yes. Pleased to meet you." I held my hand out. She eyed me up and down quickly, obviously noting my overtly casual appearance as opposed to her _Maxim's hottest bitches in a suit _edition. This irritated me, but I stifled it and widened my grin against my own will. She hesitated briefly before grabbing my hand and proceeding to shake it vigorously.

"Well, I am just _so_ excited to meet you and work with you! Maybe we can hang out sometime, you know? Oh! I like coffee. Do you like coffee? I've found this great place and we can chill out there…I can run my ideas by you. Oh! This is going to be so much fun!" she rambled emphatically. I sighed. _Fun? I think not._

"Okay, slow down there, Nicci." I tried to keep the sarcasm to a minimum. I didn't want to kill our makeshift relationship right off the bat.

"Oh, I'm sorry," she apologized. "I tend to talk a lot when I'm excited." _Oh you think so?_

"Well first of all," I said bluntly, "I usually work alone, so this will be an…adjustment for me."

She smiled and nodded. "Sure thing, Mrs. Black…err…Swan-Black, right?"

"Yes, and secondly, you may have wonderful ideas, but I'm not the one you need to run those by. That's Kate's department." Her face fell and I immediately felt a twinge of guilt for crushing her dream of taking on the column so soon, but that shit was just not going to happen. I assumed she'd probably already attempted that, and Kate had – the way Kate usually does – told her to fuck off in her _sweet_, round-about way.

"Oh," she whispered.

"And thirdly," I continued, trying to be gentle. "For now, you will be typing for me until I can again." I held up my cast.

"Of course, I—I understand," she replied timidly. "Well, still, it might be fun, huh?" I refrained from rolling my eyes as I responded unenthusiastically that "sure it would be," then excused myself as politely as I could, citing that I needed to get to Kate's office before she had _my_ head on a platter.

XXXX

"Are you serious, Bella?" Kate's sardonic stare was threatening to break my resolve. I nodded, trying to exude some sort of confidence. "You understand that the holidays are approaching. Your readers are going to want some fluffy, warm and cozy, 'chestnuts roasting on an open fire' shit, Bella, and you want to blast them with this crap?"

"Kate," I began as I sighed, but she interrupted, _of course_.

"Well, my initial reaction is _hell_ no. You know that, right?" She looked at me pointedly.

"Yes, Kate, but —" It wouldn't be a normal conversation with her if she actually let me get a word in edgewise.

"_But_…" She raised her eyebrows. "I'm just dying to know the reason behind this sudden interest of yours to become some self-help writer. _Please_ enlighten me." This was why she was the editor. Her sarcasm could blast anyone's confidence to smithereens. I stoically held my ground, explaining how I'd had a _friend_ who'd recently gone through a traumatic experience. I explained that I felt compelled to understand more of what _she'd_ gone through. She sat quiet for a split second when I finished my spiel, and I thought maybe she was going to show a bit of compassion. That, however, would have been insanely out of character for her, so I was less than surprised when she rolled her eyes. "Of course, the _friend_ scenario…_right_," she barked as she eyed my somewhat ragged appearance.

I was sure the dark circles under my eyes and my traitorous nerves that were fighting their way through my façade were a dead give away. I'd barely slept a wink the night before, and I didn't expect that to change any time soon…until I was free of _him_. I cursed the asshole in my head as I noted her eyes raking over me, again dressed in a fucking turtleneck to disguise myself, and loose fitting jeans – my bruised thighs were still quite uncomfortable.

I tried to think of Edward to hopefully bring some light back into my dead eyes, but it was fruitless. My brain betrayed me by the reminder that I couldn't fully expect him to want me after he knew _everything_ and I clenched my jaw tightly. Suddenly, Kate's eyes became uncharacteristically caring as she muttered, "Is this about _you_? Bella, I know we're not necessarily…_close_, but if you needed to talk about anything…" she trailed off and I was beginning to panic. "I mean," she started again as I tried to hide my stunned expression. "You, uh, you can tell me —"

"What? No!" I found my voice quickly and gave a nervous sounding giggle, which made me want to kick myself. "I…just thought I could help, um, somebody." I shrugged, averting my eyes from hers.

"Your friend." She sounded unconvinced.

"Yep, mm-hmm." I answered quickly and nodded. _Goddamn it, I'm such a bad liar_. Feeling completely exposed despite my denials, I decided to back pedal. "You know what, Kate, never mind." I tried to sound nonchalant. "I'll do the holiday stuff with all the fluff and warm fuzzies." Kate quirked an eyebrow at me, then looked away contemplating as I sat silently berating myself for being such a lousy actress. _Obviously_ I hadn't thought my argument through well enough to come up with something better than my _friend_ scenario. _Dumbass._

"No, I'm on board," she quipped as she looked back at me, still skeptical but with an underlying tone of concern.

"Oh-kay?" My voice curled up in question as now, _I_ was the skeptical one.

"Really, I think it would be good for you to…" she hesitated, looking me over again and I felt uneasy. "…help out your friend by researching. Who knows, maybe you can _help_ her," she looked at me pointedly, "get way from the _asshole_ once and for all, huh?"

I couldn't speak. My throat had gone dry and I suddenly wanted to get the hell out of the office before I spilled my guts and ended up front page fucking news. I didn't speak much to Kate about my fabulous marriage, but from her brief experience with my husband at last year's Christmas party, she wasn't a huge Jacob Black fan. It wasn't enough that he'd been acting like a pompous prick all night that night, _oh no_. He then had to proceed to accuse me of sleeping with every man that worked at the paper. He screamed in front of everyone, and I remembered my sarcastic comeback. _"Oh yeah, Jacob you're so right. I have so much time on my hands that I've fucked the fifty or so men that work here. Yeah."_ I remember snorting at his irrationality. _"I wish I had that kind of time!"_ Then I think I called him an idiot or a moron or something and left the party without him. Soon after that was when I really began keeping myself away from the office as much as possible.

Yet another clue as to how I'd changed over the years.

I actually tried to quit, but Kate wouldn't allow it. She told me that the paper wasn't the problem in my life and that _it_ was not what I needed to be quitting. _Hindsight's twenty-twenty._

I jumped slightly when there was a light tap on the door. Kate rolled her eyes and muttered, "Prepare yourself," under her breath. "Come in, Nicci," she called as she frowned and I chuckled under my relieved breath. _Saved by the ditsy intern._ Kate started to introduce us and I stopped her, explaining that we'd already met. I have her a subtle glare, communicating to her that I understood fully what she'd conveyed to me over the phone. "Alright then, ladies." Kate smirked. "Get to work." I glared harder. _Bitch._

I spent the next two hours explaining to Nicci the content of my next column and listened to her whine about how that subject was such a _buzz kill_, and 'couldn't we write about something more _fun_?' I refrained from clawing her pretty little eyes out and gently, but firmly, reiterated that _we_ weren't writing anything. _I_ was writing and _she_ was typing. We penciled in some time in the near future to meet again so that I could give her my rough drafts and recordings. _Can't wait for that._

XXXX

I walked into my home and almost didn't recognize it. Leah had outdone herself and my mood was instantly lighter. She was obviously good at what she did for a living as my house was immaculately cleaned and the delicious smell of pumpkin bread wafted through the air. Unfortunately, when I reached the kitchen and noticed the three dozen red roses sitting on the table, my aggravation returned.

_Ugh! It's not going to work, Jake. _I hated roses anyway; especially red ones and he knew it. I'd told him time and again that Tiger Lilies were my favorite, yet he continued to insist on red roses…for _love._ _Barf_. Maybe he was trying to piss me off, instead of make it up to me. _Whatever. _I plopped my purse and my keys down on the counter and decided to focus my attention on the two perfectly wrapped loaves of mouthwatering pumpkin bread sitting on the counter. Then I went off to find Leah and thank her…possibly offer her a raise. This was ridiculous work she'd done.

I called her name out a couple times as I trudged through the house, but didn't get a response. When I finally found her, she was in the master bedroom with her back to me, meticulously folding laundry from a wicker basket sitting on our bed. My eyes took in the bed and then darted over to the chaise lounge in the corner of the room. A horrifying image flashed in my mind as I replayed the events of the last time I was in that bed. I drew in a silent breath and shook off the anxiety as quickly as I could.

"Hey," I greeted Leah as cheerfully as possible. I must have startled her because she jumped and whipped around quickly. Her eyes darted to the material she was holding – underwear, Jacob's underwear – and she tossed it hastily onto the bed.

"Uh, hi Mrs. Black," she responded gingerly, and I noticed a slight redness to her eyes as she turned to look at me, a sad glint in her stare. I was alarmed, hoping that nothing bad had happened.

"Please, Leah, it's _Bella_," I said, trying to hide my annoyance. "Everything okay?" I asked cautiously and she immediately seemed disturbed by my concern.

"Oh…sure," she replied, "I'm just a little tired. Um, Boo-Boo seems to have a cold or something. He's…been keeping me up half the night coughing."

I reminded her of bringing him over with her if she needed to. "I think my kids are immune to everything." I chuckled and rolled my eyes.

"Oh." Her eyes darted to mine, then away. "I wouldn't want to risk it. Not now anyway."

"Well, it's not a problem for me." I smiled warmly. "And, what you've done to the house today, wow. Thank you so much. It hasn't been this clean in I don't know _how_ long." She smiled and nodded in response. I continued, "The pumpkin bread smells ridiculous. You will be taking one of those loaves home with you, understand?" I gave her a wink.

"Well, I just figured J—Jake would eat one all by himself." Her eyes flashed something unreadable and I clenched my teeth at the sound of his name.

"Oh well," I replied curtly. "One loaf is yours, end of discussion." I tried to clear my voice of the acidic undertone that it desperately wanted to spew, as well as the snarl that wanted to take residence on my lips. Still, her face flushed slightly and she nodded once, a sober look adorning her features. It was possible I'd let some of that slip, I supposed.

"Um," she began weakly, "did you see what else was waiting for you in the kitchen?" She smiled, but something in her eyes told me it was less than genuine. Maybe she was jaded by her son's father? Wouldn't be the first time that ever happened. "Beautiful, huh?" she asked.

"I suppose." I shrugged and rolled my eyes. "Roses aren't really my favorite…_especially_ when someone's trying to kiss my ass." I turned to meet a doe-eyed Leah with a very puzzled expression, and quirked an eyebrow at her. "You want to take a couple dozen home with you? Be my guest. I suppose I could be gracious enough to keep one bunch. They'll die soon enough anyway." With that, I turned and stalked down the hallway leaving Leah behind me, mouth agape.

"Um, h—he called." She seemed to get her wits about her again and found me in the kitchen as I tried to keep from glaring at the ugly fucking roses. "Wanted me to tell you he was picking up the kids today." It took all the will power I had to refrain from exploding on her and – _really she had no fault here, she would just be a convenient punching bag_ – explaining what he did to me, and revealing that he was no more picking up the kids today than_ I_ was going to sprout wings and fly. "Oh, and your mother called." She smiled sweetly this time, the subtle sadness gone. "I think I scared her. She thought you up and moved out and Jake had some new girlfriend living here." She laughed whole-heartedly.

_Oh, just give me a few weeks, Renee. Fuck. Now I have to call her and try not to break down…try to sound happy go lucky as she chirped on and on about her fabulous life._

I grit my teeth again and mustered up a weak smile. "Alright, Leah, thanks. You've done such a great job today that I really don't need you anymore." Her eyes instantly filled with the sadness that I'd seen a few minutes prior and I assumed she thought I meant I wouldn't need her again, so I quickly tried to reassure her. "Until tomorrow, that is. Now, go home and spend some time with your sick little boy." I smiled. She returned a weak smile, but a hint of gloom was present as she shrugged her shoulders.

"Okay, but I was just thinking I could make you guys some dinner. Anything you'd like."

For some reason, I felt she actually _wanted_ to stay; maybe she needed the feeling of being with a family based on her reactions to the twins regarding grandparents and the obvious lack of her son's father in their lives. _I recalled how she had stated her son only had one grandparent, her father, meaning no grandmother, no grandparents on the boy's father's side, indicating no present father. This is how my fucking brain works._ I was compelled to bring a genuine smile to her face, so I offered up a compromise. I told her that I would only be okay with her making dinner if she went home immediately and took care of her boy for a while. She agreed, so I handed her one loaf of pumpkin bread as well as some cash and asked her to please run by the market on her way back. Whatever she wanted to get was fine, I explained, and she responded with a joyous giggle, nodding her head.

"One more thing," I stated with my eyebrows raised. She looked at me curiously, so I continued. "I want you to bring that little man of yours over tonight for dinner. You two should eat with us. The twins would love it, and I'm sure Jake-" _the motherfucker_, I wanted to say as I cringed inwardly, "wouldn't mind."

Her eyes widened and, for a moment, she looked as if she'd seen a ghost. "I'd rather not," she protested, sounding adamant this time and shook her head. "I just…" she paused a beat, "don't want to risk it." I agreed reluctantly. Their seemed to be more behind her opposition, so I didn't push her. Although, I was starting to get the idea that she simply didn't want to bring her child around us.

XXXX

I sighed as I stared, darting my eyes from my cell, back to my home phone and again to my cell. I hadn't spoken to my mother since the day she informed me that the first child I'd given birth to, _Edward's child_, was a little girl. I was sure she'd been consumed with what I may or may not have decided to do after that phone call. The truth was, I'd put it out of my mind to call her back, whether consciously or subconsciously. I knew I couldn't bring her into the depravity that was the current situation under any circumstances at this point, so I had to attempt to make my voice as lucid as I could.

"Impossible," I thought aloud, and then my eyes caught sight of my laptop. The clouds parted instantly. "An email. I'll send her an email," I said, brashly unconcerned that I was actually holding a conversation with myself out loud.

_Hey Mom!_ I started the email. An exclamation point was a good way to begin. It showed excitement. Life was grand. She wouldn't read into the sarcasm. _Things are going well with us. _I lied. _I didn't tell Edward. You were right about that. It's better left alone. Jake is doing great…just came back from a business trip, so business is booming!_ I cringed. _I'm healing up just fine and getting excited to make a big Thanksgiving feast, as always._ "Healing in more ways than one, Mom," I said as I typed. _Krissy and Robby miss their Grammy a lot…and so do I, so maybe we can see you at Christmas? I know they'd love to have you at their birthday party!_ I shuddered as I thought of the kids and how their lives were going to change so much after all of this. Was I making the right decisions? Was I just being selfish?

I pulled the sleeve of my shirt up enough to expose the still menacing looking bruises and my answer was clear. I _had_ to leave. If I didn't, Edward was right, I would ruin my own life. He would do this again and someday, his rage could end up directed at one of my babies. _I could never let that happen._

_Gotta go, Mom._ I wrapped up my message. _Have work to do. I love you! XOXO Bella._ I snapped my laptop shut and glanced at the clock, noting that I had only minutes to make it to the school if I was going to beat Jake to the punch. I grabbed my keys and hustled out the door swiftly.

XXXX

Twenty minutes after I'd arrived at the school, I was tearing down the street in my car trying to make it to the house before Jacob and the twins did. My _babies_ were in the backseat of Jake's truck, blissfully unaware of what their perfect daddy had just done. I kept checking the rearview repeatedly, but my vision was blurred by rage at his blatant display with my children nearly on top of them.

At the same time, I felt a sort of wicked satisfaction in what I'd captured. _Use it, Bella_, I told myself. _Don't question yourself anymore._

When I got home, I swiftly put my things away and tore into the bathroom. My stomach felt like a turbulent ocean and I knew that if I didn't calm myself, I would be heaving into my porcelain hell again. The temperature outside felt as if it had dropped immensely since I left the house and I was chilled to the bone, so I drew a steaming bath. I then dropped some soothing jasmine bath oil beads in the water and disrobed.

"Mommy!" the twins called out as they roared through the house. The sound of their voices made my insides turn to jelly and I wanted to jump out of the tub, cradle them in each arm, and shield them from _him_.

_Game time,_ my inner voice coached, _create normalcy for them, Bella, that's what they need right now. _

So, I cleared my throat and calmly responded, calling back to them, "Mommy's in the bathtub!" I heard their little footsteps trampling toward my location, so I quickly sat up and hugged my knees to my chest carefully to keep my cast from getting wet, covering myself and my bruises. Once I'd sufficiently greeted them and sent them off to change into play clothes, I slipped back down into the soothing heat of the water and tried to focus my tumultuous mind on getting through this one day at a time.

A light rap on the door tore me from my serenity and I gasped in response.

"Bells? Are you okay?" _Fuck._ I sat up quickly, wrapping my arms around my bent knees again as my breath quickened. I was hoping we could've refrained from speaking to each other for the next six weeks, but reality was a cold, hard bitch.

"Fine," I responded.

"Well, um, can I come in for a minute?" _No, you monstrous asshole, leave me alone for the rest of my life. _

I sighed, putting my game face on. "Sure." The door creaked open and he slipped inside, taking note of my position with a caring gleam in his eyes. Guess his game face was on as well.

"Hey honey." He smiled and I closed my eyes, unresponsive as I sighed.

"Oh—kay…" he continued, sounding a bit too much like my father when I was a teenager and being unreasonable, in his opinion . "Well, I just wanted to ask you about dinner tonight." I shot him a glare. "I mean, I just wanted to see if there was anything special you felt like. I can't really cook, but I can…I mean, I'll go and get something. Whatever you want." _Oh, he's laying it on thick, taking his 'sorry' to a whole new level of absurdity._

"No need," I replied curtly. When his puzzled expression resurfaced, I elaborated. "Leah's coming back to make dinner for us."

"Oh." He raised his eyebrows. "I was wondering if she started today."

"The house didn't clean itself," I retorted. "She outdid herself today, so I told her to go home early and take care of her sick little boy, but she really wanted to make us dinner, so she'll be back around five."

"Little boy? Leah has a kid?"

I was annoyed by his sudden curiosity given the fact that I didn't want to speak to him at all, so my response was less than amicable. "Yeah, Jake, what do you care? Don't your friends talk to you about their families? I figured you already knew."

"No, I guess they don't." His voice sounded oddly vague. "I mean, it's no big deal. I just didn't know."

I sighed again. "Whatever. Did you need anything else?" The sarcasm was fighting, hissing and clawing to get out, but I kept it as subtle as possible.

"So, you got the flowers," he said expectantly with a half grin.

I laid my head on my knees and averted my eyes. "Yep, I did," I deadpanned. Sarcasm was winning. He continued to stand there, no doubt waiting for the _thank you_ that I refused to give. Finally, he broke the awkward silence.

"That's it? That's all I get?"

I snapped my head up and glared. "What do you _want_, Jake?" He shook his head and closed his eyes. When he opened them, they were full of hurt. _I don't care…I don't care,_ I repeated in my head.

"Bells," he whispered as he knelt down next to me. "I want you to know how much I love you. I want you to know how sorry I am for this." He dipped his finger under my chin and gently lifted it. I closed my eyes and cringed as my body shivered from both his touch and the cool air on my exposed skin.

"Jake, I'm cold," I stated blandly, my eyes still closed.

"Okay, I'm sorry Bells. Can I ask you something though?"

"What?" I asked with annoyance.

"Alice hates me, doesn't she?" I didn't respond. "Bells, why did you tell her?"

I snapped in an instant, realizing that all he cared about was his precious public reputation. "I didn't _fucking_ tell her, Jacob!" I snarled, feeling as if I should be afraid, but unable to care. "Can you just…leave me alone?"

"Well, I think we need to talk about this." His voice began to get a harder edge to it. "You had to have said _something_ to her; to Angela. My God, they must think I'm a monster." _You are,_ I responded in my head.

"Jake, I told you I can't do this. I—I don't want to talk about it right now."

"When then, Bells? We need to work this out."

"Work it out?" I scoffed. "Work what out, Jake? Our marriage or our _story_ to make you look better?"

"Bells, that's not fair." He brushed his fingers across my face and I pulled away. His eyes reflected sorrow. I was tired and annoyed, and suddenly wanted him to see the extent of what he'd done to me. He couldn't have confronted me about this at a more perfect time, as I sat naked in the bathtub. I unwrapped my arms from my legs and stretched out into the warm water, raising my arms lazily above my head and closed my eyes. I heard him gasp and opened my eyes again to take in his horrified expression.

"Oh my _God_, Bells!" He choked out as he stumbled backward a couple steps. I felt dead inside as I looked at him. "I'm so…_God_, I'm so—"

"I don't want to hear it, Jake!" I hissed. His eyes darted to mine quickly and his brow furrowed in torment. "And don't you _dare_ talk to me about what's fair. Now _please_, leave me the _fuck_ alone!" He exited the bathroom without another word. That was the last conversation we had for days. Luckily, seeing what he'd done to me had rattled him enough that when I informed him the _sofa_ was his new bed, he didn't argue.

Leah showed up promptly at five, groceries in hand, and I gave her free reign of the kitchen as she began to prepare the food to cook. I sat near her and offered my help, which she politely refused. So I settled for making small talk as I shooed the kids away from hovering around her like starving stray animals. Robby, who was quite smitten with her, held a goofy grin on his face as she chit-chatted with me. When I asked how her son was feeling, she looked at me almost quizzically, and then seemed to snap out of whatever it was, responding that he seemed better after a dose of cough medicine. "He's probably bouncing off the walls for my dad right now." She chuckled.

I really wanted to ask her about her family, but just as I was about to, Jake came sauntering into the room with Krissy on his heels. I couldn't stand to look at him, so I pulled the twins' homework out of their bags and instructed them to sit at the table with me. He greeted Leah sweetly – almost too sweetly – and I wanted to slap him. It was a kind of awakening I hadn't known before, like I was actually listening to my own head finally. Although I wasn't jealous – how could I be _now_ – it was a realization that with nearly every female he came in contact, he flirted shamelessly. Leah seemed uncomfortable around him, even as he asked her fairly tame questions at first and I tried to keep from imagining myself hitting him in the back of the head with a cast iron frying pan.

When she timidly answered his question about what…and I quote, "masterpiece she was creating," responding that it was a variation of some Native American dishes, his reaction made the frying pan fantasy that much more attractive. "Sweet!" He almost cheered. "Bella's never made anything like that."

"Because you never asked for it, _honey_," I retorted over my shoulder as I tried to busy myself with helping the twins color their pilgrims, Indians and turkeys for school. _And I'll never make anything else for you again, asshole. Where _is_ that fucking frying pan anyway?_

Of course, then he moved on to more prying and personal questions; asking her about her dad and brother, to which she actually replied cheerfully that they were just fine. She never mentioned her mother, so I assumed she was no longer or never in the picture and I wasn't about to ask. I would have to ruefully admit that my ears did perk up a little when Jake asked about her son. "So, I heard you have a kid. I can't believe that _jack-leg_ of a cousin of yours never told me! A boy?"

Still trying to make myself look busy, I turned subtly and noticed her reaction as she stiffened slightly, turned her head toward Jake and nodded once. Jake grinned. "Awesome! Well, how old is he?"

"Um," she responded quietly, "well, he's four, but he has a birthday coming up. So, he'll be five next week, on the twentieth."

Jacob and I talked over one another as I gasped, stating I couldn't believe she hadn't told me this, and he erupted in laughter. He stated through his chortles that since our kids were so close in age, it would be a sin not to get them together. The twins overheard as well, both of them howling that they wanted to meet him. Krissy added, in her angelic voice, "I want to make Boo-Boo a birthday card with turkeys on it!" She then turned to me, "Mommy, can I?" I laughed and so did Leah as she turned to look at my daughter.

"Well, I don't know, baby. You'll have to ask Miss Leah."

Leah's smile widened as Krissy looked at her expectantly. "I think that would be just fine," she said and Krissy squealed in delight.

"Boo-Boo?" Jake asked, looking perplexed.

Leah rolled her eyes at him and I liked her a little more. "It's a nickname," she replied almost briskly. "His name is Seth. We just call him 'Boo-Boo' because of his clumsiness."

"Well, he and Bells have something in common." He smirked and I glared blatantly. With that, I hated him even more. He suddenly looked apologetically at me before returning his attention to Leah, _naturally_. "So, who's the lucky guy? I mean, you know, Boo-Boo's dad?" Her face fell instantly and she turned abruptly back to preparing the food and sighed. She turned her head toward me and the twins, who were back to coloring feverishly, scanning us quickly with her eyes. She then glanced at Jake before tilting her head downward and averting her gaze.

"He's…never been around," she murmured softly, "Seth doesn't even know him."

"Oh man," the idiot retorted. "Well hey; he's missing out, huh?" She didn't respond.

"Who's missing out, Daddy?" It was Krissy. _Why wouldn't it be? Jesus, he has a big fucking mouth._

"Krissy, color." I tapped on her paper and she shot me a pouty grimace before returning to her work. Jake ignored his daughter and continued to be an insensitive dick.

"I can't believe some guys. What a jacka—"

"Jake!" I interrupted him for obvious reasons as I noticed how uncomfortable and tense Leah had become.

He snapped his head toward me. "Yeah?"

"Um, I think the kids need your assistance. Could you come help them and I'll help Leah finish up?" I gave him a pointed stare, but my tone was giving _me_ a cavity.

"Oh sure, sure," he responded.

XXXX

Leah opted not to eat with us, no big surprise there. So I sent her home with a very large dish of her own Native American Tacos, made with Navajo frying bread, Winter Salad and Navajo Peach Pudding. It was all incredibly delicious.

We'd eaten in silence after she left as the atmosphere had changed drastically. The kids even seemed to notice that something was off and I realized when they eyed us warily as they ate that life as we all knew it really was over.

For the next several days, my mind was all over the place. Alice called me what seemed like hundreds of times and although she was still in _protective big sister_ mode, I managed to deflect our conversations from the seriously heavy. She did, however, inform me that she'd printed the pictures of my bruises from her digital camera and had put them in her safe.

"Whenever you decide you need them, baby sis, they're ready for you." She gave me the strength and resolve to keep my decisions focused on myself and the kids. She was more than livid when I told her about the pictures I'd taken at the school and demanded that I message them to her. "If anything happens to your phone, the _fuckhead_ is still busted," she said matter-of-factly. I agreed and sent them to her promptly. On one of our many phone conversations we talked, or argued rather, about Thanksgiving the following week. She, of course, didn't want Jacob to be there and I countered my point of trying to keep things as normal as I could for the kids until after the holidays and their birthday, which was the end of December.

"I think you're taking a big risk, Bella," she warned in a motherly tone that came out of nowhere.

"Alice, we'll be fine," I stated my rebuttal.

"What if he snaps again? What if it's worse this time, Bella? I _can't _—"

"Hey! Al, listen to me. I know what he's capable of now. I didn't before and he caught me off guard. I have the gun now and you better believe I'll be ready if he wants to try and fuck with me." She reluctantly let it go and I made plans with her and Angela – who'd also been calling me relentlessly, God love her – to have lunch on Thursday. I wanted to make them both see that I refused to crumble because of what the _monster_ did to me. Leah and I had agreed on her coming over on Tuesdays and Thursdays until my hand healed, so Thursday was a perfect day for me to get out of the house and let her work. I realized that there was no reason _not_ to trust her in my home after she'd left Tuesday evening. Besides that, I needed to hammer down plans and the menu for Thanksgiving.

My sister and I did the cooking, alright well _I_ did most of it, while she kept me company almost every year when she wasn't in Florida with Renee. I also needed to convince her somehow that for the twins' sixth birthday party, which would be after the first of the year, I wanted a simple get-together and _not_ the lavish affair she would want to throw. I needed to reduce my stress level as much as possible and I hoped she would understand. _I could always use Ang as moral support, or leverage, however you looked at it._ The twins' actual birthday was on December 29th, however, we celebrated after the first of the year so that we didn't disrupt New Year's celebrations. This year would be no different, but the thought of how my life and my babies' lives were going to change after that both excited and terrified me. What if I couldn't handle being a single parent?

I really needed to stop _fucking_ questioning myself. I had more than enough reason to leave the bastard and I knew it, but I jut really wished everyone would understand why I wanted to wait until after the insanity of the holiday season passed.

To top my anxious mind off, I hadn't heard from Edward for a few days and I missed him. I missed his touch, his soothing voice, his gentle caresses and his extraordinary kisses. Despite his declaration that he would wait for me forever, I felt – no, _knew_ – that that I'd upset him by coming back home. Although I also knew that he was trying to give me space to figure it all out, I called him.

"Hey my beautiful girl," he answered smoothly, and I instantly felt a jolt of love and desire.

I sighed. "I miss you," I muttered, my voice laced with sentiment.

"Are you okay? Did something else happen?" My protector was instantly present and accounted for.

"No," I lied by omission, not wanting to tell him about what I witnessed at the school. "You know my appointment is tomorrow with Carlisle." I reminded him.

"How could I forget," he replied huskily.

"Will I see you?" I asked.

"I think Carlisle might be upset if I took his patient from him." He chuckled, teasing me. I could picture the dazzling crooked grin that always turned me into goo.

"You know what I mean, Edward." I wasn't much in the mood for teasing.

"I'll be back on rounds, but I'll try to work you in." He sounded nonchalant, distant, and I suddenly became unsure if he was teasing me anymore. "Are you sure that's what you want?" he continued, sounding genuinely concerned.

I sighed into the phone, and then replied, "Edward, I wish you knew how much I _always_ want that." There was a long pause that made my anxiety increase unbearably before he replied.

"Okay, baby. I really will try to find you, but if I get caught up with a patient, I'll call you. I promise. We'll see each other. I'll…figure something out."

"I'll take that," I replied, feeling an insecurity that shook me, but I trusted him. Still, I hoped I hadn't scared him away with all of my constant drama.

The text I received after we ended the call, however, made me smile.

_Without you, Bella Swan, my life is like a moonless night. I miss you too. ~E_

XXXX

"Well, young lady, it looks like you're healing quite nicely." Carlisle smiled as he scribbled his doctor notes on my chart. He was a breath of fresh air. He hadn't even greeted me like a doctor to a patient when he came into the tiny room where I was sitting on the exam table. During the moments I sat there waiting, I was agonizingly anxious. The crinkling of the paper underneath me with my every move only added to my anxiety. I hated going to the doctor. I especially hated going to a doctor who happened to be the father of the man my married ass was currently having a torrid affair with, sort of. _Okay, yes, full-on affair, I guess._ Adding yet again to my anxiety was the fact that I'd yet to see Edward and I was fearful that he'd decided I was no longer worth his sanity.

I'd even gotten to the damned hospital early for my appointment, hoping he'd be waiting for me discretely and we could at least spend a few moments together privately. I gave up looking around for him when I was almost late for my appointment. Nevertheless, I had to smile genuinely when the charismatic Doctor Carlisle came into the room and greeted me with a dazzling grin of his own and a sideways hug.

As he was checking my casted hand, wriggling my fingers, taking the pulse in my thumb and looking into the cast with a flashlight, there was a light knock on the door. A nurse, the beautiful Irina, peeked her head in. "Doctor Cullen, your son's here." She grinned and I felt the heat rise in my cheeks immediately.

"Does my son understand that I'm with a patient?" Carlisle asked while still checking my hand.

"Yes, but he came bearing gifts that you might not want to refuse." She giggled. "Coffee and bagels."

"Well, in that case, send him in. He's acquainted with Bella here anyway, and I'm sure he's wondering how you're doing." He winked at me.

I tried to remain calm, but my body, of course, chose not to comply and my face suddenly felt as if it had caught fire. He either didn't notice, or was kind enough to _pretend_ he didn't notice and before I could fully prepare myself, Edward was in the room. When he saw me, his eyes sparkled as they raked subtly over my body, a small hint of a smile played at the corners of his mouth. Honestly, I was aroused and annoyed at the same time. Was it coincidence that he just _happened_ to come in here at my exact appointment time? Given the fact that he knew what time I'd be here, I'd have to say no. Then, for him to come in here looking sexy as hell in his lab coat, knowing full well I could do nothing to satisfy my desire…if this was his idea of _seeing me_ today, I was going to be royally pissed.

"What's going on here, Dad?" He looked at me and winked, flashing a devious crooked grin. Carlisle, paying the two of us no attention, took the brown paper bag and large, steaming paper cup from him. He sat them on the counter before proceeding to dig through the bag of bagels, thanking his son respectfully. Edward licked his lips and blew me a kiss. I smirked. _Fucker_. Carlisle then looked up and Edward's face completely changed to that of an innocent angelic child. I wanted to smack him…after I let him ravage me, of course.

"Well, I was just assessing how well the fair Bella is healing," Carlisle replied. Edward's eyes flashed and his brow furrowed minutely. I suddenly found myself wanting to jump off the table and hug him.

"Alright," Edward responded quietly but professionally, keeping the emotion I could see in his emerald eyes at bay. "Keep me posted. I've…got to run. Patients are waiting." He averted his gaze from me and spoke quickly. "Nice to see you again, Bella."

Before I had the chance to respond, he was gone and I felt like I'd been slapped in the face. I understood, though, that he couldn't just wrap his arms around me and profess his love for me in front of his father. I hated the situation with every cell in my being.

My mood brightened a little when Carlisle informed me that I should only need two more weeks with the cast. Then he would x-ray it again, but I should only need to wrap it tightly with an ace bandage after that for a while. He chuckled, telling me to inform my children that their artwork was as beautiful as their mother, which made me blush again, before he sent me on my _merry_ way.

I scanned the halls as I left, but saw no sign of Edward. I felt defeated and disappointed when I reached the elevators, and I pressed the down button with a sigh. I stood back and averted my gaze to the ceiling, wondering why the predicament I found myself in had to be so fucking painful…and also wondering why Edward had decided against actually seeing me today. _Maybe he really is busy. Maybe he had patients waiting like he said. You knew this could happen today._ I tried to think reasonably, but I still felt the prickle of disappointed tears and tried to stifle them. I wanted to just fast forward through the holidays when, hopefully, my life would cease to be so complicated. I could be with Edward then, _if_ he still wanted me. _Please let him still want me_.

_I hate elevators. Why is it taking so long? Hurry up! _Although I hadn't seen him and didn't know if he was working or not, I wanted the fucking elevator to hurry up before I ran into James. That would be the highlight of my damned morning. I really wanted it to hurry up before I let myself go and burst into tears right then and there. That would've been just _perfect_.

Suddenly, I felt something snake around my waist. A hand wrapped forcefully around my mouth, muffling my shocked squeal as I was dragged backward into an obscure hallway. My mind was racing as I tried to remember the self defense techniques my father had taught me in my younger years. I opened my mouth as much as I could and bit down, sinking my teeth into the flesh of the hand around my mouth.

"Ow, _fuck!_" the voice exclaimed, and without a doubt, I knew immediately who it was.

XXXX

_**Chapter End Notes: *A/N- Queue the "Psycho" music, bahaha! Oh, I can't wait to hear just who you guys think it is! Please enlighten me, as Kate would say. *smirk* Once again, I know my fabulous readers and I know you won't disappoint me by not telling me your theories! What did you think of the 'Leah' situation? What's up with Edward? How 'bout Nicci? (She was fun to write) Yes, there is a significance with her…she will show up later on as well. Oh, I can see your little wheels turning! Up next, you'll hear from Edward and find out just where his head is at. Until then…**_

_**Check out this fabulous story from a dear reader of mine, Dinx. It's called "Always Leads Back to You" and it's an under-reviewed treasure, so give her some love! **_

_***DON'T FORGET, if you want to know what Bella witnessed and took pictures of at the school (and I know you're dying to know) then you MUST review! I might give reviewers a chance to punch Jacob in the face as well! *wink* **_


	37. Chapter 35 Not Enough

**Forsaken in My Mind's Past**

**Chapter 35, "Not Enough" ~ Boyce Avenue**

Edward's POV

_****A/N: First of all, I apologize for the delay on this one. I hope everyone had a fantastic Thanksgiving (those that celebrate it), but mine was not so great. I was sick the whole long weekend. Ugh. **_

_**I can't say enough about the reviews from last chapter. Out of this world! As always, it makes me grin like an idiot when I receive them…especially the ones that beg me for another chapter…and also when I get the new story alerts, favorites, etc. I think I might just have the best readers out there with the best, most thoughtful reviews anyone could dream of! THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart. **_

_**Having said that, I have an announcement…a HUGE announcement for me anyway. "Forsaken IMMP" has been nominated for an Avant Garde Award! I don't know who nominated me, but words could never express how unbelievably excited I was and am to see that ! After I got over the initial shock, I screamed it on every forum I could find, LOL! It's nominated in the "Best Must Read" category and voting has begun, from November 20**__**th**__** to December 4**__**th**__** at this site: twilightfb-awards(dot)blogspot(dot)com **__** so, RUN! You have another chance on second round voting from December 11**__**th**__** – 26**__**th**__**. I would be beyond honored if you all voted for me! Thanks so much to ALL of you! **_

"_**Forsaken IMMP" was also featured on The Twilight Awards 'Under the Radar' recently! I hope you check it out! www(dot)thetwilightawards(dot)**__**com/search/label/Under%20the%20Radar**_

_**Okay, so here we are. It's time to get into the good Doctor's head and see what's going on up there. Hope you all enjoy, and because you all are so awesome, there will be at least 2 chapters in a row of Edward! Yay! Hope you enjoy the ending; I had an amazingly evil time writing it. Oh, and for those that gave me your opinion as to who grabbed Bella at the end of the last chapter, you might be a little…surprised. **_

**GRAPHIC CONTENT WARNING****: This chapter contains excessive violence that may be disturbing to some readers. Proceed with caution.**

_**Song Link, Not Enough - www(dot)youtube(dot)**__**com/watch?v=hv4NAnNGZG4**_

XXXX

"_To get back time, you force too much,_

_It's always too much, but not enough,_

_So much for the here and now, It's all the same now,_

_But I wish everything would change,_

_You can't believe a word he says, You can't believe,_

_I know you've been lost, _

_You've said it before, so say it again now,_

_I know you've been lost,_

_You're begging for more, and it's not enough,_

_He's all that you know, and really believe in,_

_He gives you a reason, to take it slow,_

_So much for the here and now, It's all the same now,_

_But I wish everything would change,_

_You can't believe a word he says, You can't believe_

_I know you've been lost,_

_You've said it before, so say it again now,_

_I know you've been lost,_

_You're begging for more, and it's not enough,_

_I know you've been lost,_

_Why are you begging 'please' for more?_

_I know that you've been lost,_

_Oh…and it's not enough, and it's never gonna be."_

XXXX

"Doctor Cullen? Doctor Cullen, are you alright?"

I blinked my eyes a couple times before I responded to Doctor Caius. Gerard Caius was head of the board, just a little bit older than my father and _not_ one of my biggest fans. Apparently, he thought I was a "loose canon." _Humph_, maybe he was right.

"Um, yes, Dr. Caius, I'm fine."

He smirked. "Okay then, you'll be happy to know that the board finds you had no fault in the death of the Conrad fetus."

"A baby girl," I muttered under my breath.

"What was that, Doctor Cullen?"

"The infant," I replied a little too sternly. "It was a girl."

Doctor Caius appeared annoyed by my observation. "Yes well, was there anything _else_ you wanted to add?" I shook my head. "Fine, then the matter appears to be closed. Do you feel that you've had enough time to get back to work?" I nodded, gritting my teeth. _Jesus Christ_, it wasn't as if I'd taken off months. It had only been a couple days. I really hoped that more years as a doctor wouldn't turn me into a cold, compassionless stiff like him. "Okay," Caius responded with a sigh. "Shall we gentlemen? I'm teeing off in half an hour."

With that, the room emptied of everyone except me. I'd been physically present, but absent minded for the entire hour and a half meeting that preceded. Meeting with the board had brought the details and images of what happened that morning with my patient and her stillborn daughter back to the forefront of my mind, yes, but that wasn't the only thing eating away at me.

It was Bella.

It was always Bella. Since the night at the bar and even _before_ then, she was on my mind. Now, however, she owned it. What she'd gone through, what that _loser_ she was married to had put her through was just about too much for me to bear and I was worrying myself sick over it. I, of course, had seen the evidence – the bruising – with my own eyes and it unleashed a hatred inside of me for him that I never knew could possibly exist. Even if I hadn't seen the marks this deranged piece of shit had left on her skin, even if she'd only _told_ me what the fuck he did to her, it wouldn't have made me want to fucking kill him any less.

Oh, I still wanted to go and find him, break every bone in his motherfucking body and have him hurting physically as much as he'd hurt her, but she deserved a better man than that.

It felt amazing for her to want me there, even if she didn't admit it to everyone else. Once she looked into my eyes; once our bodies touched, I knew. I knew _I _was the only one she wanted with her, and I submersed myself in her.

Like the _idiot_ that I was, however, I almost ruined everything with my little temper tantrum. Telling her she was being _stupid_, and that she would ruin her life and mine? _What kind of an A-one dick says that shit to someone who was hurting as badly as she was, let alone someone they love?_ _Jesus, Cullen, you need to control yourself._ Looking at her, watching her fall apart because of something _I'd_ said to her was un-fucking-acceptable. I had to make it right. I couldn't do anything to help her if I'd continued to be a jealous idiot when she wasn't even really mine. She had to know that she could trust me, that I would never do or say anything to intentionally hurt her.

I wasn't as concerned about the news story regarding the waste of human flesh in the park that hurt that poor woman. It was horrible, but this was Chicago, no different than any other very large city and shit like that just happened unfortunately. It just seemed a little too close to home and definitely not something Bella should've been privy to because suddenly, she went from serene to fucking tempestuous in a matter of seconds. I guessed my underdeveloped brain didn't think she was freaking out enough, though, so when she questioned me, I took my insecurities out on her. I thought about asking Emmett to beat my ass, but then visualized him having way too much fun with it, and thought better of it.

I was an asshole for allowing things to get completely out of hand in her state of mind. I should've denied her and simply made her get the rest she desperately needed, but _fucking shit_, she was turning me on and I couldn't…I couldn't deny her. My dick was loving every second of her rubbing and grinding against me, begging me to let it out as it strained and pulsed uncomfortably against my jeans. I was going to do it, I was going to give in and let her have her way with me, but it deflated immediately when she showed signs of pain and I had to stop her.

Part of me knew that she only wanted the good physical contact with _me_ to counteract the awful things the douche bag had done to her. Still, I was determined to make her forget, and to forget myself…if only for a few moments. It took all the remaining power I had in me to let her go that night. The thought of her being subjected to anymore of his maniacal bullshit killed me inside, but I left the biggest part of my heart with her.

When I picked up Kellan from my parents' house that evening, Esme read the stress on my face like an open book and tried to soothe me with her gentle nature. She placed a hand on each of my cheeks and kissed my forehead as a mother would kiss the hurt away from her child.

"Honey, is everything okay?" She asked in a low voice as Kellan waited at the door with his arms crossed and his backpack on. I shook my head subtly and clenched my jaw. "What is it? Your patient?" Compassion poured from her eyes as she studied my face warily.

My tenderhearted mother was always worrying about me. If she only knew the hurt I'd caused others…Bella. It hadn't taken me long to realize that if I hadn't agreed to join her at the park, pressed her to come to my place that night; if I hadn't lost myself in the parking garage, Jake would never have known. Maybe he would never have hurt her. I should have left her well enough alone the night I took her home from the bar and none of this shit would've been happening. Then again, I couldn't be sorry for wanting her. I couldn't be sorry for kissing her, touching her body; I could never be sorry for loving her because if I was, Jacob would win. _She would still be his, and she's not. She'll never be his again. But is she mine? Fuck!_

I needed her so badly, and after hearing how Jacob had more or less set a trap for me the night I cheated on her, I was one step closer to believing I deserved her to be mine. Not that I would've ever fully believed that. I'd broken her heart into a million pieces by fucking another woman meaninglessly in an attempt to satisfy my own uncertainties…when I had the world handed to me on a silver platter. It was something I could never take back and never would deserve her forgiveness for. As much as I wanted it, I would never ask that of her. I would never try to control her; I would never use her as a pawn against somebody else, and I would never, _ever_ raise my hand to her or force myself on her.

He was a loathsome, vile son-of-a-bitch for even thinking that was remotely fucking okay, and I would make him see things _my_ way someday.

"Edward?" Esme tore me from my putrid thoughts. "How is your patient? Is that what's bothering you?" I looked at her befuddled for a moment before I remembered the excuse I'd given her in order to free my afternoon up for Bella.

"Oh no, Mom, it's not that. My patient is fine." I shook my head. She looked even more concerned and I knew I couldn't tell her the truth, so I made something up about being concerned about the board meeting the following morning at the hospital.

"Oh, honey." She placed her hands on my shoulders and squeezed lightly. "Everything will be fine. That's what makes you such a wonderful doctor. You're always so concerned about your patients." She smiled.

"Thanks, Mom." I forced a half-grin and sighed. In reality, I still felt like an incompetent cretin for allowing that baby to lose her life, but Carlisle had reassured me enough that I'd come to realize maybe I was the only one that felt that way. _We would see about that soon enough._ Regardless, I couldn't tear my mind away from Bella. There was no one I was more concerned about at the moment and I knew, without a doubt, that it was going to be my undoing. I needed to just let it go for a while. I needed to focus on my son, on work and I needed some goddamned sleep.

How could I let it go, though? How could I stop thinking about her, about what she was going through, about what _he'd_ done to her? _No fucking way_. I couldn't do it. I couldn't just turn it off, so I decided to ask Esme a hypothetical question…a question that Kellan didn't need to hear.

"Hey, little man, can you go see if I left my stethoscope in the kitchen?"

Kel cocked his head to the side. "Your _what-ie-what_?"

I laughed. "The thing I put in my ears and listen to your heartbeat with. I need to talk to Nana for a minute and…"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." The little smartass rolled his eyes. "It's a _grown up_ thing, I got it." Then he huffed as he walked away from us.

"Edward?" Esme's expression was one of alarm as she studied my face.

"Mom, can I ask you a question?"

"Of course, you can ask me anything. You know that."

I took a deep breath and blew it out. "Would you have married Dad if you didn't love him with every part of yourself?"

She gasped slightly and then collected herself. "I would have to initially say absolutely not, Edward, but everyone is different and everyone's motivations are different." She looked at me stupefied and I knew she was wondering why on earth I would ask her such a thing.

I nodded. "What if you'd married someone else because Dad had done something terrible? Would you ever forgive him?" This only served to increase her befuddlement, but she thoughtfully contemplated my question, and then nodded.

"I would hope so…eventually. Again, honey, it would depend on what that terrible thing was and every situation is different."

I knew what she was doing, being vague in order for me to give her more details of why I was asking her this incredibly strange line of questions, but I couldn't do it. My mind, however, was screaming its answer to her. _I fucking cheated on her and lost her to an undeserving asshole!_ I nodded again in response and furrowed my brow. Esme took my hand in hers and squeezed gently. "I'm not sure why you're asking me these things, Edward, but I know that if I was in that predicament and I never forgave, let's say, _Carlisle_ for something he'd done; then I married someone else while still having feelings for your father…I would be miserable every day of my life."

I wasn't sure how to dissect what she was saying to me. I wasn't sure if Bella was miserable because of what I'd done, or what Jake had done. I wasn't fucking _sure_ of anything anymore and my eyes must have reflected all of that.

"Love is a peculiar emotion, though," she continued. "It's powerful, but confusing all at the same time."

"What do you mean?" I cleared my throat, trying to keep my voice steady.

"I think…" She looked up toward the ceiling, then back to me, again contemplating. "…that a lot of times other things are misinterpreted as love."

"Like a close friendship." I finished her thought for her.

"Yes." She smiled, and then cupped my cheek gently. "Edward, I can't help but think that this is something personal to you. You know you can talk to me if there was something you needed to get off your chest."

I wanted to tell her everything. I knew that I could trust her completely; that she would love me no matter what had happened or what I'd done. I also knew, however, that if I kept going, not only would I expose myself, but I would expose Bella as well and I couldn't possibly do that to her. "Thanks, Mom, I know, but I'm fine really." I hesitated a moment, but I desperately needed her opinion on something, a sort of validation for my feelings, so I continued. "But, Mom, can I ask you one more thing?"

"Of course you can."

"Could you do me a favor, though, and not mention any of this to Dad?"

She seemed taken aback, but nodded. "Okay."

"_Hypothetically_, if Dad would've ever, uh, put his hands on you, to hurt you…t—to control you…" I sighed and ran my hands through my hair, cursing myself for not remaining as stoic as I'd planned. I grit my teeth and continued, "Would you have stayed with him?"

She blinked her eyes and shook her head, almost as if she was in shock. "Edward, what's this about? What's going on, Sweetheart? Who—"

"Please, Mom." I felt myself crumbling inside. I should've never asked her this, but I had to know, so I continued. "She's just like you. She's smart, level headed, full of compassion; she loves her k—kids more than anything in this world. I—I know that if _you_ would leave, then there's hope that she might as well." I grabbed two fistfuls of my hair and turned away from Esme. I dropped my hands to my sides with a thud as I spoke lowly. "And I've never loved anyone more in my life, but—"

"But she's in a terrible situation," she whispered and I felt her hand touch my back. I turned to her with tears filling my eyes and nodded.

"Oh, Edward, I would. I would leave, but this is…this is—"

"It's bad, Mom," I whispered, interrupting her. She just stared at me, her eyes searching mine. Suddenly her hand flew to her mouth, covering another gasp.

"Oh no, oh my God, Edward, it's _Bella_ isn't it? Bella?" she whispered.

_Fuck! You fucking moron, _I berated myself, _you just screwed up again, betrayed her trust. You better get on your fucking knees right now and beg, plead for her to keep her mouth shut. _I stared back at her. I was unsure of how she figured it out, but then I remembered how she'd taken dinner to her house…the cast…she must have been thinking…_shit_, I didn't have time to explain everything. "_Please_, Mom, I'm begging you. Please don't say anything to anyone. Please don't say anything to Carlisle." I pleaded with more than just my voice. My eyes, my whole godforsaken body was pleading with her. Then realization flitted across her face.

"Edward, you didn't…you can't…what did you do?" Her tone wasn't accusing as much as it was completely dumbfounded.

"I fu—I messed up with her, Mom, a long time ago, but he…he doesn't deserve her. And now, he's _hurting _her." I sat on the sofa and placed my head in my hands as I felt Esme sit next to me and place a loving hand on my shoulder.

"My God," she whispered, "has he hurt the kids too?"

"No!" I snapped my head up to look at her. "No way, he wouldn't. He knows she doesn't want him anymore, that's why he hurt her and…and it's my fault."

She squeezed my shoulder. "She _has_ to get out, Edward, but _you_ have to stop this until she does. You can't influence her decisions for herself and her kids, honey," she whispered. I didn't respond. "You understand?" I nodded tensely. I didn't need her to elaborate on what it was she was telling me to _stop_. I probably should have been ashamed, but I wasn't; I couldn't be ashamed of loving her. "Do you want me to talk to her, mother to mother?"

I almost choked on my own saliva. "What? No! Mom," I sighed, "I appreciate that, but Bella would _kill_ me. She's never to know I even told you, please." I started to panic, praying that I could trust Esme. She nodded, her eyes full of complete understanding.

"Ahem!" I heard his little voice as he cleared his throat. "What do ya know," he blurted in a sassy tone. "No _what-cha-ma-call-it_-scope in the kitchen." I jumped up and turned to him quickly, smiling as he always seemed to bring me comic relief.

"Well, did you get Grandad's wrench out and open up the pipe under the sink? That's where it must be." I smirked and Kellan rolled his eyes.

"_Daaaaaaad!_" He groaned. "It's not either because it's sticking out of your pocket." He pointed, furrowing his little brow and I laughed.

"Oops."

"Can we go home now?" He huffed.

"Oh yes, absolutely." It was my turn to roll my eyes. "Video games await, your excellence. You better get your little smart butt over here first and give your Nana some love for putting up with you all afternoon."

"Come here my precious boy," Esme cooed and held her arms open. Kellan ran to her and jumped up to hug her with a squeal.

I leaned down and kissed my mother on the cheek before whispering in her ear, "Thank you, Mom, but I'm trusting you here, so please…"

She nodded and gave me a squeeze. "You have my word, honey. Just be careful."

XXXX

I dreamt of Bella that night. It was bound to happen, the nightmare that ensued after my ridiculous fucking thoughts kept me awake well after the midnight hour. Kellan was more or less exhausted after he "rocked out" so he said, _and_ I allowed him to kick my ass in Rock Band once again, so he was out soon after. _I_ subsequently tossed and turned for more than two motherfucking hours, got up and poured myself a couple shots of Crown hoping it would help me sleep, then proceeded to toss and turn some more before I finally fell asleep.

_She was standing on the beach with _him_. Our fucking beach and she had this look of pity on her face as she stared at me. Jacob wore an evil smirk and the hatred we had for one another was so thick in the air that it smoked and curled around us. _

"_She's mine, Edward," he snarled as he wrapped an arm around her protectively. As if _I_ was the monster…the one to be feared by her. _

_I was fucking seething and I could feel it clear down to my bones. As I took a step toward them, Jacob growled in a possessive, animalistic way and Sam stepped out of the shadows flanking him to his right, gun drawn. _

"_Sam?" I said, confused. "This has nothing to do with you. It's between us." I motioned between Bella, Jake and myself, but Sam shook his head. He remained mute, staring me down as Jake let out a bellowing but menacing laugh. _

"_You see? There's nothing you can do about it. She's mine; she's always _been_ mine, and she'll always _be_ mine."_

"_No," I said through clenched teeth. "Bella? Bella, please, tell him you love me. Tell him you want to be with _me_." _

_Her face changed to that of stone, but her eyes still held pity and sadness as she touched Jacob's torso with her left hand. "Edward," she started, but I shook my head in defiance of what she was about to say. _

"_No," I said, my voice betraying me as it shook. "No! Tell him!"_

"_Edward," she said again, "I can't be with you, Edward. I have to stay with Jacob."_

"_Why?" I searched her eyes, but they would reveal nothing more. _

"_Because you cheated on me, Edward. You hurt me, broke my heart so long ago and Jacob, he saved me. He put me back together after what you did." Her voice wasn't shaking. She wasn't trembling with the emotion that I felt coursing through me. The emotion that was overtaking me. _

"_He didn't save you. That's a fucking lie and you know it!" I felt myself coming apart at the seams. "He cheated on you too! He hurt you, Bella, more than I ever did. Why can't you _see_ that?" _

"_He loves me, Edward," she said soberly. "He did all of that out of love because I pushed him away. He knew I was hurting because of you." _

"_He _told_ you that? He's a fucking liar!" I screamed. My body was quaking. Nothing was making any sense. "You can't believe a _word_ he says, Bella, please." She didn't respond, only stared back at me with dead eyes. _

"_Son." I suddenly heard my father's voice in my ear, but strangely, it didn't startle me. "It's time to let her go," Carlisle continued. "She's made her choice." _

"_It's the wrong goddamned choice!" I screamed again and Jacob and Sam erupted into laughter. I felt my feet beginning to sink into the sand. I tried to move forward to get to her, to take her from him, but I couldn't move. _

"_Game over," Jacob snarled through his grin. "I win, you lose."_

"_Fuck you, Jake! Bella…Bella, please!" I begged, but she turned her back to me. I continued to sink as the sand swallowed my calves and knees. _

"_Let her go, Edward, free yourself," Carlisle said in a gentle voice. I felt nothing but pure panic._

"_No! I can't let her go. Bella!" The sand continued to swallow me whole as it seeped up toward my chest. I wondered where my friends were. They were nowhere in sight. No one was there to pull me out of the hole I was sinking into. The sand turned black; the black hole was overtaking me and I couldn't fucking breathe. _

"_Shh, it's okay, I'm here." I heard a familiar female voice and looked up. A sea of flaming red hair came down around me as she pressed her face closer to mine. _

"_I don't want you, Victoria. I never _have_ wanted you." I turned my face from hers, but could feel her hot breath in my ear._

"_You liked it when I fucked you that night," she whispered. "You wanted me then."_

"_No I didn't," I growled. "Leave me the _fuck_ alone! Bella!" I cried out, "Bella, please come back." The sand was now up to my neck and I couldn't even struggle anymore. I was paralyzed. "You said you just needed time," I cried. "You said after the holidays. Bella!"_

"_I had enough time to think, Edward." I heard her voice and gasped. She sounded so distant, like a ghost whispering on the wind. "I can't leave him. He's my husband and he needs me. I can't tear my family apart for you." _

"_No," I whispered one last time, defeated. _

"_Let her go, baby." Victoria's voice was like nails on a chalkboard to me and I cringed as he ran her fingertips through my hair. "Let her go and you'll stop sinking. She's gone. She doesn't want you anymore, but I do. I'll be yours forever, Edward." _

_I gasped for air as I snarled back at her. "I don't want _you_! I want her and I'll never stop wanting her." The darkness covered me then as Victoria's face vanished. Everything vanished and I was left with nothing…nothing but the ominous, oppressing blackness that forced its way into my body until I became a part of it. _

I woke up gasping and looked around. "Jesus Christ," I spoke out loud and grabbed a fistful of my hair. "What the _fuck_ was that?" I was definitely not one to analyze dreams because – _come on_ – the brain is a fucked up organ to say the least. It was probably the shots I took before I laid down, thinking like a _genius_ that it would help me sleep. Obviously that didn't help. _Maybe I should write myself a fucking prescription for Prozac._

The only thing I could gather from the outrageous bullshit that obviously came from my own head, was that I was terrified to lose her, terrified she would think about it, then choose to stay with _him_ instead of me. I knew she needed time and I knew I had to let her make this decision, like Esme said, but _goddamn it_, I wanted her now.

During breakfast that morning, Kellan was eyeing me as if I'd sprouted another head overnight. "What?" I asked with a hint of sarcasm.

"You okay, Dad?" Kellan asked, and then smirked. If he wasn't so cute, I would've wanted to smack him.

"I'm good, little man, why do you ask?"

He chuckled a little, and then responded, "Because it sounded like monsters were trying to get you last night!"

I felt my face fucking drain of all the blood. "Really?" I asked, feigning ignorance. "Didn't you come in and check on your old man?"

"Uh, _no_," he stated wide eyed.

"Well, why not?" I teased, trying to keep the atmosphere light. "I might have needed help with fighting off the monster." He furrowed his little brow and puckered his lips, annoyed.

"First of all, Dad, I'm a little kid, and little kids do _not_ fight monsters very well. At all. Second of all, you were freaking me out, dude." I let out another chuckle before he continued, halting my laughter abruptly. "Your monster's name is _Bella_, right? That's not a very scary sounding name for a monster, Dad."

My mouth fell open and I struggled to form a coherent statement. "Uh…B—Bella?"

"Yeah." He tilted his head to the side. "You were, like, yelling about her or something. Oh, hey! I bet we could use the monster spray in your room, Dad. Remember? Like we did in _my_ room."

I smiled, remembering the time Kellan was convinced there was a monster in his room and I took the can of Lysol in – claiming it was _monster spray_ – and proceeded to rid his room of the menacing beast. _God bless this kid, always able to bring me up from the quicksand._ Then I shuddered as I thought of sinking into the sand in my nightmare. "Monster Spray," I said amused. "Sure thing, Kiddo."

"Except it doesn't work on zombies," he said, clearly on a roll with his supernatural problem solving ideas.

"Uh, _zombies_?" I asked with a quirked eyebrow. Some of the shit this kid came up with was beyond me.

"Yeah, zombies," he continued, chewing on a piece of waffle. "You can't kill a zombie with Monster Spray. You have to shoot them in the head with, like, a _big_ gun."

My mouth fell open. _What the fuck? _Something about my eight year old discussing zombies, let alone shooting them in the head, didn't fucking sit well with me and it had Rosalie's _ignorant_ ass written all over it. "And just what do _you_ know about killing zombies?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

"Well, that's what they did in that movie, Zombieland."

I smirked. He sure as fuck didn't watch that shit with me. "Oh, you've seen that movie, huh?" I asked, trying to hide my distaste.

"Uh-huh." He nodded.

"With who?" I didn't even need to ask, but I wanted to confirm that his mother was, in fact, a complete moron.

"With Mom. She borrowed it from her friend, James, I think." He rolled his eyes and I clenched my fist under the table reflexively.

"James?" I asked through clenched teeth.

"Yeah, he came over the other night and brought it for Mom."

_Are you fucking kidding me? This crazy prick now knows where my kid lives? _

"Did he _stay_?" My teeth were grinding against one another, but I kept my voice as pleasant as possible.

"Not very long." He shrugged. "He shook my hand and then talked to Mom for a couple minutes. Then he left."

"I see," I said, forcing a small smile. _I'm going to kill her, I'm going to fucking kill her,_ I repeated in my head. _A, for letting that motherfucking psycho around my child, and B, for letting him watch a movie that is clearly inappropriate. Stupid goddamned bitch. _

"I don't like him very much," Kellan said with an annoyed tone, breaking me from my homicidal thoughts.

"Oh? Why's that?" I responded smugly.

"I dunno," he shrugged again. "I've seen him at the hospital where Granddad works before and he just seems weird to me. Plus, he has really long hair. It's gross."

I laughed out loud and told him he was the smartest kid I knew. He humbly agreed. _Jesus_, even an eight-year-old could see that James was a creepy motherfucker.

XXXX

Another sleepless night proved to be brutal as I slept-walked my way through another day seeing patient after patient. I had to slam down multiple coffees just to keep my fucking eyes open and, as usual, this wasn't lost on Heidi. She pulled me to the side on one of those mind-numbing days and asked me if everything was alright. The look on her face after I'd said I was fine told me she wasn't buying the bullshit I was selling her, so I decided to give in a little.

The subject of my extracurricular activity with Bella was obviously off limits, so I chose to tell her about my interesting conversation with Kel and the creepy asshole that worked with my father – who was blatantly trying to fucking piss me off by messing around with my family. She really didn't have much advice to offer, and that was fine with me. Instead, she patted my back sweetly and said she knew how my _baby mama_ was, and that if I needed to vent, I knew where she worked. I laughed and gave her a squeeze, thanking her for brightening my day a little.

My benevolence didn't last, however, and I found myself struggling again that night. The urge to call Bella was so strong in me, that I was like a fucking heroin addict going through withdrawals. I dialed her number what felt like a hundred times and hung up, like a damned teenager with a crush, until I finally broke down and called Alice.

"You just have to be patient with her, Edward. She's alive and she's okay." She tried to reassure me, but I didn't feel any better. "Look, my sister is stubborn, Edward. I think you know this. I'm working on her, but she's going to need to do this _her_ way. We don't get it, you and I, but we're not tied down like she is right now."

"What if she stays, Alice? I can't lose her again." I huffed.

"I know my sister," she snapped back. "She's too smart to stay in this marriage. You just need to give her some credit, and some time. She has to do this on her own. But, I know that she wants you. She needs you, no matter what. No matter what happens, you have to be strong for her, Edward. _Don't_ disappoint me," she warned and I smiled into the receiver.

"You're the best sister, you know that, Tink?" She agreed and giggled in response. "Please do me a favor, though," I continued. "Don't tell her I called you. I don't want anymore added stress on her coming from me." She promised me that she would keep it to herself before we ended the call.

Still, my mind drifted back to her and to _him_, to my nightmare from fucking hell, and I needed to forget for a while. I needed to numb my mind of all this bullshit. I needed to drink…heavily. I needed a night out away from my life, so I dialed the only person that would guarantee me a night of alcohol induced obscurity…Emmett.

"Dickwad!" His thoughtful greeting put an instant smile on my face. "To what do I owe _this_ fucking honor?" he mocked.

"Cut the shit, Emmett." I tried to sound annoyed, but couldn't help the chuckle that escaped me.

"What? What the fuck did I say?" _Classic_ Emmett.

"Nothing, man, what's going on?" I asked, amused.

"Oh you know, dude, the usual. Makin' money…makin' girls scream my name."

"Yeah right!" I scoffed. "In other words, you've been holed up in your apartment watching 'Taladega Nights' on repeat!"

"Whatever. Fuck you dude, I love that fucking movie. You can't _hang_ with my shit anyway. You know why? 'Cause I wake up every morning and I piss excellence!" He tried out a seriously bad southern accent, and I laughed the fuck out loud at his random quote from the movie. "What's going on with you, _Doctor Love_? Oh, hey, speaking of _love_…" he snickered and I braced myself because I knew what he was getting ready to bring up. "How's your _married_ girlfriend?" _Son-of-a-bitch._ "Did you tell her about Open Mic Night? I swear to God, Jazz gets a fucking boner every time he thinks about it and _Alice_!" He guffawed. "Did you find out if they're _coming_? I trust there'll be someone _coming_ for me."

_Goddamn, he's such a Neanderthal. _I could picture his eyebrows wiggling up and down as he patted himself on the back for his clever, yet disgusting play on words.

"No, Emmett, I haven't," I growled as my mood had suddenly shifted back to hostile.

"Well, why not? You know girls have to plan this shit out well in advance…take a fucking _week_ to get ready and shit. You better get on it, Edwina." When my only response was a frustrated sigh, he finally seemed to catch on. "Dude, what the _hell_ is up with you, man? Hello?"

I pinched the bridge of my nose until it hurt and sighed again before responding. "Seriously, Em, just a shit storm of fucked-up-ness right now."

"Whoa, sounds heavy. Alright, talk to me, Bro."

"Nah, man, I just really need to get out. You and Jazz up for it maybe Saturday night?"

He chuckled lightly. "Oh _damn_, Doctor wants to drown something. Alright, man. Jazz and I were talking about getting together to practice on Saturday anyway. So, if you're up for _that_ I think we can work something out."

"Okay, fine." I agreed, wishing I could feel more excited about this _band_ thing.

"Oh hey, man, I forgot to tell you I got a hold of Garrett. He just moved back and he wants to do this. He's gonna play with us, dude! All the originals…we're back!"

"Oh no way!" Suddenly my mood brightened slightly. I'd grown up with Garrett, went to high school with him. He was one of my best friends and a former band member of ours, although he didn't stay with our group for more than about a year.

A few years back, he'd moved to Kansas City chasing a job and I'd talked to him once, maybe twice since then. Maybe this band thing would work out after all. "I haven't seen him in a long ass time. That's great, man."

"So, where do you want to go Saturday night, Edwina?" It didn't take him long to get back to his vexatious self.

"I don't give a fuck, Emmett, anywhere but Moonstruck, and _no_ strip clubs." _Jesus_, I really didn't need _that_ kind of fuckery right now. "I just want to drink…a fucking lot."

Emmett chuckled like the buffoon that he was and said, "Alright, you _know_ we can make that happen for you, brother," before we ended the call.

XXXX

Knowing I still had a while before I could possibly see her and also knowing that I'd have to wait another whole day of agony before I could fill my black hole with alcohol, I let myself slip into another bout of gloom. _Christ, _my own mood swings were giving me fucking whiplash.

I was amazed to say the very least when she called me. She told me she missed me and it made my body quake with longing, frustration and fear. I tried to keep things light, to tease her and make my voice cheery. However, I knew I needed to keep from influencing her decisions, so I was very careful in choosing my words and my silence was telling. I had hoped that I didn't upset her, but nonetheless, she seemed concerned and confused. I couldn't help myself but to let her know she was my fucking world, so after the call ended, I sent her a text to make her understand that I missed the hell out of her too.

Finally, Friday came along. After dropping Kellan off at school, I called the dipshit that gave birth to him and reamed her ass. She responded in her typical _Rosalie-sarcastic bitch-Hale_ fashion, telling me I was overreacting, that James was no more dangerous than _I_ was, and that Kellan was "old enough" to know that monsters weren't real, so I needed to "get over myself." _Fucking stupid bitch. _I responded by letting _her_ know that she was on thin motherfucking ice with me and if I so much as caught wind of her doing anything inappropriate around my son; if she brought that piece of shit around him again, she would be paying _me_ child support and having supervised visits with our boy. She shut the fuck up real quick, knowing that if I said I would do something like that…I more than likely would.

After _that_ bullshit, I was bound and determined to do whatever it took to get Bella alone today. Unfortunately, my relentless patients had other ideas for me.

When I finally had a break, it was smack dab in the middle of Bella's appointment time, so I formulated a plan to get into my father's office without seeming suspicious. He could never resist coffee and bagels, therefore I hustled my ass down the street.

I should've known that my next appointment would be more time-consuming than I'd hoped.

"I'm not _crazy_, Doctor Cullen!" Sarah Masten blurted out as she sat across from me, patting the back of her fussing newborn son compulsively. She'd come in for her standard six-week checkup after giving birth, and was showing the classic signs of post partum depression. The dark circles under her eyes and the sudden mood swings were tell-tale signs that she needed something to help her take the edge off.

"I know you're not crazy, Sarah," I responded in my charismatic _doctor_ voice. This seemed to calm her a bit. "Do you have anyone to help you? Your husband perhaps, or a family member?" She seemed a little bit dazed – not unusual given her obvious lack of rest – as she continued to stare at me, and then snapped out of it.

"My husband works nights," she responded with a sudden quirked eyebrow as she eyed me up and down.

_Oh hell no._ "Okay, someone else then?" I said professionally.

She looked a little rejected before responding, "I—I'll call my mother."

"Great," I replied with a smile, and then wrote her a quick prescription for some safe anti-anxiety meds, gave her the standard speech about not holding off on asking for help when she needed it, and promptly sending her on her way.

I was pressed for time and I knew if I didn't hurry, I'd miss Bella altogether. Instead of waiting for the god-awful, slow elevators, I made my way to the stairwell and took two stairs at a time up the two flights to the fifth floor. I checked in with Irina in Carlisle's office, who told me I'd just missed Bella and could probably catch her at the elevators – making a joke about how they were the slowest things on the planet. I nodded quickly, and then leaned in, whispering under my breath that Carlisle didn't need to know I came by. To this, she quirked an eyebrow suspiciously, but when I winked back, she only smiled and nodded.

I rushed to the elevators, but didn't see her. Sighing in defeat, I pressed the down arrow and ran my hand through my hair. I realized that the stairs might've been quicker and I might've been able to still catch her. Then, I heard a small, strange sound and turned my head slightly, but dismissed it. As I was turning to head back toward the stairwell, I glanced to my left into a sort-of storage hallway where, far in the back, the service elevators were located. What I saw stopped me in my tracks. My stomach jumped up into my fucking throat and I was paralyzed for a split second.

That weasel prick, waste of _goddamned_ oxygen, James, had his fucking hands on her, on _my_ girl, and just like that, everything turned blood red. I had tunnel vision with two main objectives: get her the fuck away from him…and then he _was a dead man._

He was shaking his hand and cursing as he dragged her backward. She was fucking struggling and seemed to be trying to reason with him, quietly repeating his name. She turned her head, seeing me and her eyes widened, then filled up with tears. She mouthed '_Edward_' with panic in her eyes, but I was already three-fourths of the way there. Motherfucker was too busy with his nose shoved into her neck telling her to shut up to see me coming.

"Get your _fucking_ hands OFF her!" I growled right before I reached up, grabbed him by the nasty pony tail and flung him to the floor with a loud thud. I fisted his shirt and slammed him back down onto the floor, his head meeting the hard tile with a sickening splat. He groaned in pain as I leaned down and snarled into his face. "What the fuck did I tell you, _cocksucker_?" Then I whispered, "You're a dead motherfucker."

His eyes widened in fear, but quickly narrowed to a glare as I stood up and quickly turned around. Bella was more important to me at the moment. I ran to her and pulled her to me, wrapping my arms around her as she buried her face into my chest. I put my hands on her cheeks and pulled her face to mine. "Are you okay?" I asked breathlessly as I took a step back and looked her over. Her body was trembling, but she nodded quickly.

"Yeah, I think so. I—I'm okay."

Apparently, my threats, not to mention the body slams weren't good enough for this little prick because the next thing I knew, he'd kidney punched me from behind.

"Oh!" Bella screeched and jumped backward.

Although I barely felt it – _because he's a pussy_ – it pissed me the fuck off. "Stay back," I warned Bella and she stumbled backward as her eyes widened even further in fear. I turned in a fury and grabbed the fucker around the throat, slamming him up against the wall. "You can't be this fucking _stupid_," I growled through my teeth as I watched his face begin to change colors.

"Edward, stop!" Bella cried from behind me, but I was too far gone. He'd crossed the motherfucking line for the last time.

"F…fuck you, C…ullen," James sputtered through his gasps, his saliva spraying into my face. I hated his fucking weasel voice, so I silenced him by slamming my free fist into his gut repeatedly, eliciting painful groans from his still snarling lips. He was flailing his arms – trying to punch me – and kicking me in the shins as his feet were inches above the ground. But then, the fucker reached up and clawed the side of my face, like a _goddamned_ girl. I felt his jagged nail dig into the corner of my eye and it felt like a knife. I hissed like an animal in pain because _the shit hurt_, and then punched him harder, knowing I'd cracked at least one rib. I wasn't satisfied.

Warmth trickled down the side of my face and I knew I was bleeding, but I didn't care. Suddenly his hands dropped, but he was still struggling, fumbling with something. I heard Bella gasp behind me. "He's reaching into his pocket Edward!" Just as he pulled out a pen – I assumed to stab me with – I threw him to the floor again. The asshole quickly scrambled to his feet, wincing in pain, and turned to face me wearing a menacing sneer.

"Come on, pussy," I snarled and waved him toward me.

"Edward, _stop_," Bella pleaded from behind me. "Please, Edward, let's just go."

"No _fucking_ way," I spat. "_Somebody_ needs to learn a lesson."

"You should listen to your little _girlfriend, _Doctor Junior," James said smugly and out of breath, clutching his side. His head was cocked to the side and he was glaring at me. I wanted to rip him apart limb by limb.

"FUCK you, James," I yelled, no longer giving a rat's motherfucking ass who heard me. "Now…you going to hit me or not, little girl?" That did it and he went flying at me. I didn't move; I stood there like a stone as he rammed his fist into the side of my mouth. I had to admit, the bastard had a pretty decent right hook. I spit the blood from my split bottom lip on the floor and looked at him. He seemed shocked that I didn't fall, but even more shocked as I cocked my arm back, then let it fly, slamming my fist into his jaw. His head flew to the side and he stumbled backward onto his ass with an _umph_.

"_Aaagh!_ I'm going to fucking _kill_ you, Cullen!" he screamed, spitting out a bloody tooth as he crawled to his feet, swaying slightly. Just then, I heard trampling feet and looked past him as two figures emerged from around the corner, Irina and Carlisle. _Perfect._

I smiled wickedly, knowing they'd heard the threat James had just made to me, as I looked at my father. Irina gasped and covered her mouth. "Edward, what the _hell_?" Carlisle muttered, shaking his head.

"Call security," I said through gritted teeth, "And get a fucking gurney. He's going to need it." I knew that the only people who would be able to stop me from killing him were the security guards.

"Edward, NO!" Carlisle yelled, but James bolted toward me. "Go!" Carlisle ordered Irina, who turned and ran down the hall. James tackled me around the waist, causing me to stumble backward and hit the wall behind me. "James!" Carlisle's pleads were doing no good to either of us.

I hadn't heard anything from Bella the last few seconds and my mind wondered if she'd left, unable to stand it any longer, or if she'd stayed to continue to witness this. Part of me hoped she'd taken off.

I kneed the little prick in his stomach and he doubled over, so I grabbed him by the pony tail and pulled his head up to look at me. "Don't you ever put your fucking hands on her again. Do you understand me, _James_?" I seethed through my teeth. The piece of shit grinned at me, his lips curled back wickedly as blood dripped from his mouth and he showed me his crimson-drenched teeth.

"What? You going to kill me in front of everyone, asshole?" He sneered, but dropped his smile when I nodded once.

"My _motherfucking_ pleasure." I dropped his head and brought my knee up forcefully at the same time. I heard the revolting sound – as well as the gasp from my girl, _I guess she stayed_ – as it came in contact with his face. He flew backward, blood spraying into the air from his newly broken nose, which he covered quickly with his hand and screamed in pain. He relentlessly came back at me again and I punched him, knocking him to the floor.

"Stop this, NOW!" Carlisle screamed, knowing full well not to touch me or get in between us if he didn't want to get hurt. I followed James to the floor as he grasped for my throat, trying to get a grip on it, and cracked my fist against his face again.

"Edward, _please_ stop!" I heard Bella cry again. "You're…you're going to get fired, or…or go to jail, _please_!" But I couldn't stop. I punched him again and again until he ceased movement, no longer in control of myself. "I…I can't _lose_ you like this, Edward, _please_!"

I stopped. My chest was heaving as I stared at James' bloody face. I was stunned that Bella had revealed her feelings in front of Carlisle that way. Any questions of her intentions with me were gone and at that moment, I knew she wanted me and only me. It would be a bumpy road, but whatever the outcome, I knew I would never stop trying to protect her.

I was actually relieved when the two sets of hands connected to the burly security guards pulled me up and off of James. Bella ran to me and wrapped her arms around my torso, burying her nose in my chest and running her hands up and down my back. This definitely caught my dick's attention, until I noticed Carlisle glaring at me. _Fuck._

"I w…want h…him arrested," James sneered, barely fucking coherent as the security guards helped him to his wobbly feet. He couldn't even stand; the security guards had to hold him up. _Good, motherfucker deserved it._ "H…he attacked m—me f…or no rrrreason!" His mouth was so swollen, he could barely talk.

"_Bullshit_!" I roared and started toward him again when Bella grabbed my arm to stop me.

"Sir," she addressed one of the guards, and then pointed to James. "This man tried to attack me. Edward was just protecting me. He…saved me." My heart felt as if it could explode out of my chest when I looked down to meet her eyes of blue fire, burning into me.

"Not true," the weasel piped up again, "I was only trying to _talk_ to h—her, and she frea…she freaked out on me!"

"Shut the FUCK up, James!" I growled.

"Edward." Carlisle addressed me sternly, like I was a fucking kid. "What were you _thinking_? Have you lost your _mind_?" To everyone else, he seemed to be talking about my beating James to a pulp, but I knew his questions were two-fold as I watched his eyes dart from me to Bella and back to me. I played along.

"Did you not _hear_ her, Carlisle? He tried to attack her! I warned him once, but he doesn't fucking listen." I glared at James, who was still spouting his ridiculous, barely audible protest as the guards helped him onto the gurney held by Irina, who was staring – wide eyed – in shock. One of the guards asked Carlisle if they should call the cops, to which Carlisle shook his head and replied that he would take care of that.

"Take him to the ER," he said to Irina. "Make sure there's no _permanent damage_." He glared at me.

"I told you he was dangerous, Carlisle." I hissed.

"Oh, _sure_, Edward," he spat. "That's _exactly_ what it looks like to me and everyone else."

"What! You're going to believe that fucking pri—" I began to yell again until I was interrupted by Bella.

"It's true, Doctor Cullen," she spoke softly, addressing him formally, nervously. "He wanted to and would have hurt me, I know it. H—he was trying to drag me off somewhere where no one would see us."

Carlisle sighed and studied her face briefly before responding. "Well, then you should probably go to the police, Bella. Unfortunately, there's nothing I could do for you but testify about what I saw here with my own eyes. It's his word against yours in that matter. You should start by filing a restraining order."

I glared at my father. "Nothing you can _do_?" I spouted off again. "How about firing the sick bastard?"

"You go home, Edward! I have to try and save _your _job and keep you out of jail for this. Bella, could you excuse us, please. I need to speak to my son." She nodded, but I protested forcefully.

"No. I'm not leaving her. She doesn't leave this _spot_ alone."

He sighed and rubbed his temples. "Edward, she'll be fine, you—"

"I SAID no. I'm not _fucking_ leaving her," I growled. He shook his head for a few seconds, and then told the guards it was fine for them to go.

"Just go home, both of you. I'll talk to _you_ later." He glared at me with his jaw tensed He then turned and stalked off, shaking his head and mumbling under his breath. Bella stared at me, her expression unreadable, but she was clearly shaken. I walked over to her slowly and ran my hands up and down her arms gently.

"I'm so sorry about all of this, Bella. I should've gotten to you sooner."

She shook her head. "It's not your fault, Edward." I nodded my head slightly but unconvincingly. I had to agree to disagree with her on that. My mind flooded with thoughts of what she'd just gone through and what she went through with Jake. _Why couldn't these fucking assholes keep their hands off her? Why couldn't I seem to keep her out of harm's way?_ I let out an exasperated breath and began gently touching her all over.

"Are you okay? _Jesus Christ_, I'm so sorry." I felt my throat begin to close up and the panic setting in. I was terrified that she was angry with me for not being there for her; for beating the shit out of James – which I would never be sorry for – and I didn't know what else to do other than methodically check her body for injuries. Suddenly, she grabbed my face with both hands, the fingertips of her casted hand trailed along my left cheek.

"Edward, look at me." I obeyed. I felt myself immediately getting lost in her deep blue oceans. "I'm fine, really, I'm fine," she said, but her voice still sounded shaky. Then she winced as her eyes traveled over my face. "Oh, baby, you're bleeding." Her fingertips caressed over the deep scratch next to my eye and down to my slightly split bottom lip. I sighed and parted my lips slightly, allowing her gentle fingers to explore my sensitive skin. I winced somewhat when she touched my eye again. "I'm sorry." She dropped her hands and cringed, but I grabbed her hand. "Are you okay?"

I nodded. "It doesn't hurt," I lied, and she smirked, innately intuned to me.

"There's blood all over your lab coat and your pants." She trailed her fingers down the lapel of my coat and sucked that gorgeous bottom lip into her mouth to gnaw on it. _Yes_, my dick twitched. "My God, Edward!" She gasped as she turned my hand over noting the swollen knuckles, split skin and newly coagulating blood.

"Stop worrying about me, sweet girl," I murmured, pulling her beautiful chin up toward my face.

She grinned. "Well, you worry about me too much, so I can worry about you." She stuck her tongue out at me, teasing, and I laughed. Not to mention, the crotch of my slacks became significantly tighter. _Fucking shit, this girl would definitely be the death of me_. She pulled my wrecked hand up to her soft lips and began placing gentle, open mouth kisses on my wounds. _Jesus_, it felt so fucking good and I couldn't help myself as I reached my arm around her body and lifted her up to me. She giggled as I tickled her ribs and struggled playfully, but suddenly fell silent as she gazed into my eyes. The expression on her face was so incredibly intense that I felt like my entire body would burst into flames. She wrapped her legs around my waist as I leaned into her and captured her lips in mine. She moaned against my mouth and mumbled, "I missed you so damned much today."

"I know me too," I whispered. "I'm so sorry, baby."

She shushed me by darting her tongue into my mouth suddenly. That was when I heard footsteps coming down the hallway. I knew I needed to get us out of sight and quickly, so I scanned our surroundings. My eyes stopped when I noticed the silver doors of one of the service elevators just across from us. I sat her down on her feet and she looked at me confused. "We have to go, someone's coming," I muttered quickly and her eyes widened. I grabbed her hand and gave it a light squeeze as I pulled her toward the shiny doors. "Come on, let's go."

XXXX

_**Chapter end notes, *A/N: Hmm, wonder what's going to happen next? I'm thinking of an Aerosmith song right now, but I refuse to tell you! Haha! Ponder that one, my friends. Alright, you know the drill. I want to know all of your thoughts on this chapter. How 'bout little Kellan, he's such a cutie, huh? Do you think Edward's – sort of – reveal to Esme is going to hurt or help him? I was stoked to bring Emmett back into the mix. He's always a goofball! Oh, and of course…and although I'm speaking to everyone, *dhdirector* I'm especially interested in what you thought of the beat down James received. Don't worry, the good Doc will get his "time" with Jacob. ;-P Okay…get your review on! Until next time…**_

_**I have a couple of fic recs for you to check out while anxiously awaiting my next installment of mayhem. The first one is "Rising Star" by FFHopeReborn. It's a post-Breaking Dawn fic centered around Leah. It's amazing and it's a nice break from Edward/Bella drama! Lol! It's rated "T" so not necessarily juicy lemons, but he knows how to steam it up, don't worry! Yes, you read that right, a GUY wrote this…squee! A dude writing Twilight fanfiction. Awesome. **_

_**The second one is called "An Engrossing Death" by NTJB, and I must warn you…this one is not for the faint of heart. If you're like me and enjoy a good mind-screw, you'll love this one! It's fantastic and the mind of my friend, NTJB is insanely delicious! **_


	38. Chapter 36 Somewhere Only We Know

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past, Chapter 36 "Somewhere Only We Know" ~ Keane**

Edward's POV continued

_***A/N: First of all, this is a huge a/n and I'm sorry!I have to give a ginormous thank you to one of my wonderful RL friends, who happens to be a big fan of mine, Kattie for finally convincing me to let her type up my chapters to free up a little of my time. (Yes, I'm old school. I have to write with a pen and paper then type. Ugh. I drive myself insane.) Really, she just wants to know what's happening before anyone else, but, THANK YOU darlin! You've done such an amazing job and I appreciate you. There's a little surprise for you in this one. ;-P **_

_**I want to welcome back my fabulous beta Sweetishbubble…so glad you're back! Missed you! I want to thank both her and my other lovely beta, THEsnapcrakklepop for actually making my chapters flow and look good. You guys are the sugar to my spice! **_

_**Finally, I want to thank all my absolutely fantastic readers and reviewers. I've said it a million times, and I'll keep saying it. You guys keep my pen moving and I mean that! I know there was some sort of an FFn issue last chapter with reviewing and I'm not sure what that was, but I know some of you didn't get to review and that makes me sad. Hopefully that won't happen this time, but if it does, feel free to PM me your review! You have no idea how much I love hearing from you. Anyone that voted for me in the Avant Garde Awards, THANK YOU! Even though it didn't make it through to the next round, it was super cool to be nominated. **_

_**Okay, sorry for the delay on this chappie, but, this will be the last one until next year. Hahaha! Okay, hopefully in a couple weeks, I'll have another chapter for ya. Anyone ready for some 'love in an elevator?' Please read on. (*Big thanks to my awesome, sexy police officer cyberbuddy for giving me a little lesson in law enforcement and steering me in the right direction here! Also, for the use of her first name! Mwuah!)**_

_**Song Link, Somewhere Only We Know - www(dot)youtube(dot)com/watch?v=8inBKD4KUWw**_

_**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended. Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and its characters…I do not. I just like to put them in an elevator and make them do naughty, naughty things! **__**©2009/2010 WickedCurveBall74/RobsMyEdibleArt, All rights reserved worldwide. **__***GRAPHIC CONTENT WARNING:**__** Highly sexual situations at hand. Proceed with caution. **_

XXXX

"_I walked across an empty land; I knew the pathway like the back of my hand,_

_I felt the earth between my feet; sat by the river and it made me complete,_

_Oh simple thing where have you gone? I'm getting old and I need something to rely on,_

_So tell me when you're gonna let me in; I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin,_

_I came across a fallen tree; I felt the branches, are they looking at me?_

_Is this the place we used to love? Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?_

_Oh simple thing where have you gone? I'm getting old and I need something to rely on,_

_So tell me when you're gonna let me in; I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin,_

_And if you've got a minute why don't we go, talk about it somewhere only we know,_

_This could be the end of everything; so why don't we go somewhere only we know,_

_Somewhere only we know…_

_Oh simple thing where have you gone? I'm getting old and I need something to rely on,_

_So tell me when you're gonna let me in; I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin,_

_And if you have a minute why don't we go, talk about it somewhere only we know,_

_This could be the end of everything; so why don't we go…_

_So why don't we go…This could be the end of everything,_

_So why don't we go somewhere only we know; somewhere only we know."_

XXXX

As the doors of the service elevator closed behind us, I breathed a sigh of relief. Bella looked around uncertainly.

"Are…are we supposed to be in here?"

"Of course," I responded with a chuckle. "It's an elevator. Going down, Miss?" I quirked an eyebrow.

"Har, har," she mocked me. "I meant this isn't a normal elevator. Don't they move patients on these?"

I nodded, and then shrugged. "Sometimes…sometimes equipment, but there _is_ another one. It's not like we're going to be in here all day, right? It'll be fine."

She nodded, then blushed, before looking up at me through her lashes and gnawing on that sexy-as-fuck lip again.

"Right. Just a quick trip to the first floor."

My dick twitched again at the expression on her face, but I was more concerned about her emotional well-being then what my dick wanted at the moment. I leaned back onto the metal wall forcefully and let out a huff before running my hands through my hair and fisting it.

"Edward?" Bella's voice was full of concern. _Complete lunacy_, given what the girl had just been put through. It was all coming to a head. I couldn't believe that for the second time in one week she'd been attacked. As much aggression as I'd just gotten out on James' fucking face, it didn't seem good enough and I suddenly felt the ache in my arms. The ache that made me want to punch something again. I would've loved to have Jacob _fucking_ Black standing in front of me. Better yet, to have them side by side, so that I could beat them both, hopefully _kill_ two birds with one stone, so to speak. "Edward, what is it?" Bella broke me from my malevolent fantasy. I had to bite back the urge to tell her she was out of her fucking mind because again, that wouldn't help.

Instead, I chuckled humorously and muttered under my breath, "Don't be ridiculous." She looked at me incredulously as I continued, "_I'm_ sorry; I'm sorry I didn't get to you before that fucking maniac." Then, I turned around and slammed my palm against the wall of the elevator. "God damn it!" I growled, wishing I could just take this all away.

Suddenly I felt her arms circle around my waist and flatten out on my stomach. Her cheek pressed against my back and her breathing seemed to have increased. I grabbed her left hand and brought it up to my lip, kissing her palm softly. She let out an erotic sigh, which made my dick insanely harder, before she responded.

"Edward, stop. You're not responsible for me. You can't protect me from everything."

I turned around in her arms and cupped my hand under her chin, pulling her head up to look at me.

"But I want to Bella. I…feel like it's my _job_ to protect you now. I need it." She pressed herself into me, holding me tightly, and gasped at the feel of my rock-hard erection on her stomach. As I bent my head down to capture her lips in mine, the ding of the elevator startled us both. We stood frozen as the doors opened slowly, revealing that we were still on the same floor. Neither of us had pushed any buttons, so the doors had closed for a few minutes and then opened back up having no instructions from its passengers.

Luckily, there was no one standing there, so we let out a half sigh, half laugh collectively as I reached over and pressed the ground floor button quickly. This time when the doors shut, the elevator jolted lightly and we began to descend. Bella frowned playfully and pursed her lips. I looked at her like an idiot, bewildered, and she reached down, cupping her hand around my throbbing cock.

"Fuck!" I whispered on my exhale and she smiled. I eyed the stop button quickly and she followed my gaze.

"Will the alarm sound?" she asked innocently and I smirked devilishly.

"Not unless we press _alarm,_" I responded in a low tone and reached over, punching the stop button, bringing us to a halt. Her eyes widened in anticipation as I turned back to her and she sucked that fucking bottom lip in between her teeth again, killing me. My dick was screaming to be let out and I didn't necessarily want to deny him again, but my irritating responsible side won out and I needed to be sure that she was okay. I licked my lips and took a breath, holding it in briefly, and then let it out.

"Are you sure about this?" I asked, praying that she was because otherwise, I was going to be jerking off like a goddamned maniac when I got home.

She eyed me down and back up, setting my skin ablaze as she peeled my clothes off layer by layer with her flaming gaze. I could see a hint of nervousness, but more so excitement behind the fire in her eyes as she nodded slowly and responded in that sexy sultry tone. "I want you."

I needed no further validation and just like that, my logical brain was completely gone; all thoughts being controlled by my throbbing cock.

I picked her up and whispered "good" before slamming my lips into hers forcefully. She moaned and fisted the lapel of my lab coat as she wrapped her long legs around my waist.

"You look so fucking sexy in this thing," she said as she pulled me close to her, ground her hips into me, and then licked my top lip.

"Fucking _Christ_," I groaned as I pressed my erection into her warmth, but then stopped myself quickly and forced the question out of my lips.

"Your legs, your bruises; are you okay? Does…does it hurt?" She shook her head and kissed her way along my jaw to my ear where she proceeded to bite into me. "Goddamn it," I growled and bucked into her involuntarily as she whispered into my ear.

"I _said_ I want this, Edward. You're not hurting me." She licked the spot where she'd bitten, then pulled my ear lobe between her lips and sucked.

I gasped. "Okay…_Jesus_, okay."

It wasn't that I didn't give a shit whether she was lying to me or not. It was, again, the fact that I simply could _not_ deny her. I walked us to the wall of the elevator and shoved her back against it, pressing into her and grinding forcefully. She threw her head back and cried out softly as I attacked her neck with my lips, making my way up her chin to her mouth. Our tongues began their dance again, swirling around one another as we sucked and nipped on each other's lips in desperation. Pressing her against the wall with my hips, I freed my hands, reaching up and under her shirt, feeling her smooth skin. She exhaled sharply, gripping the back of my hair to an almost painful level as I moved my hands up to her supple breasts and squeezed gently.

"Baby, I want to _feel_ you," I groaned between her sexy lips.

Once again the clothing was just a fucking nuisance. I knew what she was doing; wearing this turtle neck to cover her bruises thanks to _motherfucker_ number one. I'd just beat the fuck out of motherfucker number _two_, and I had plenty of rage left in me for the next time I saw Jacob. I broke the kiss and growled into her collarbone, sending a rush of my warm breath through the material to her skin and she shivered. I smiled against the thin fabric, and then moved my lips back up to her ear.

"Lift your arms up," I ordered her.

"What?" she moaned and ground her core into my hardness again.

"_Mmmm_," I responded, unable to catch my breath for a moment. My eyes were dangerously close to rolling back into my skull. "I _said_ lift your fucking arms up, _now_," I demanded.

"Yes, Doctor," she replied with a smirk, lifting her arms and I nearly exploded in my fucking slacks. In one fluid movement, I ripped her shirt from her body and reached behind her, unclasped her bra, and tossed that shit the floor. _Finally, it's about fucking time._ My dick was applauding and I was panting as I took each hardened nipple between my lips, sucking and biting gently.

"Oh, Edward, _yes_!" She cried out and I covered her mouth with my fingers as I came up for air briefly.

"Baby, we may be in between floors, but there's a possibility that people might be right outside those doors." She looked over and her eyes widened, sparkling. I continued, "Let's try to use our inside _fuck_ voices, mm-kay?" I smirked.

Her eyes flashed and for a moment I thought – or maybe hoped – that she was going to slap me. Instead she grinned wickedly. "Of course, Doctor, but you'd better remember that when I do what I'm about to do to you," I whimpered like the pussy ass motherfucker I am as she continued. "Now, put me down," she said quirking an eyebrow at me. I pressed into her harder and ground my hips savagely into her crotch.

"Oh, _fuck_," she whispered as her head fell back to the wall.

"Are you sure you want me to put you down?" I asked huskily and grinned as I licked the pulsating vein under the skin on her neck. She pulled her head from the wall and nodded a couple times, looking at me with pure lust in her fiery eyes. I let her down with a pout, until she reached for my belt and began to unbuckle it, unbuttoning and unzipping my slacks quickly. My dick became impossibly harder with anticipation and I clenched my teeth.

She looked up at me and licked her fucking lips. I knew I was definitely not going to last long if I didn't get myself under control. She pushed my pants and boxer briefs down around my ankles, and I watch her in ecstasy as she eyed my salute to her with a sexy smirk. She stood up, running her hand along my length as she rose and I nearly came _un-fucking-done_. I bit my tongue – hard – and moaned as she began to unbutton my shirt faster then I'd ever seen before, with one and a half hands. She pulled my shirt and lab coat off swiftly, and then handed my lab coat back to me. I looked at her confused and she quirked an eyebrow again.

"Put it back on, Doctor," she cooed, grinning wickedly. I wasted no time.

She eyed me briefly and bit her goddamned bottom lip again, smiling. Then she pushed me to the wall and dropped down. Before I knew it, her lips were surrounding me, tugging and sucking, licking and swirling her tongue around the head of my aching cock.

"_Jesus Christ_!" I groaned a little louder than I should have, and she popped her lips off me.

"Remember to use that inside voice," she mocked me with a sultry giggle.

"S-sorry…oh, _fuck_!" I whispered on my harsh breath as she slammed my shaft into the back of her throat. She sucked me relentlessly, slowly upward, then fast and hard back down until I was panting and growling like a fucking animal.

"Stop," I whispered with my eyes closed, trying desperately to hold off on the inevitable. She ignored me completely and gripped my balls forcefully as she ran her tongue up and down my shaft, then wrapped her lips around it again and moaned. The vibrations of her moans were out of this motherfucking world and I slapped the wall with the side of my fist.

"God…_fuck_…st—stop," I grunted under my ragged breaths.

Again, she ignored me, only responding with an "mm-mm" and a twirl of her tongue around the head.

"Jesus _fuck_! _Stop_!" I raised my voice and bent over, grabbing her under her arms and pulling her up and off me quickly. My dick bounced in the air and cursed me as I pulled her naked torso up against me quickly.

"What?" she asked, looking at me incredulously. I just shook my head and clenched my jaw, trying to breathe. "What? What's wrong?" Her voice increased an octave, concerned, worried – ridiculously, no doubt – that she was doing something wrong. I turned us around and shoved her up against the wall again.

"Nothing," I replied with a harsh exhale, leaning my forehead onto hers.

"Then _what_, Edward? Why did you stop me?"

I sighed. "Because I'm about to fucking come, baby."

"And that's a problem because?"

I grinned at her sarcasm. "Because I do _not _want to come in your mouth." She stared at me for a second, until I bent down and unbuttoned as well as unzipped her jeans quickly. I looked at her, waiting for the go ahead and she let out a breath before nodding. Again, no further instructions were needed as I tugged her jeans and panties down in a flash, not even looking to see if they were sexy ones or not. I didn't give a shit, and quite frankly, neither did my very excited member. Suddenly, she grabbed my hair. Not forcefully, but only to stop me and I looked up at her.

"Wait, Edward. I…_God_, I want to, but do you have…did you bring…" I smiled and reached into the pocket of my lab coat, pulling out the square package. She furrowed her brow slightly and then grinned. "You're pretty sneaky, you know that?"

"What?" I feigned innocence and shrugged.

"You planned this!" She tried to look annoyed but I saw right through it. However, given the fact that I usually couldn't read her, I told her a half-truth.

"Give me a break, baby." I flashed my crooked grin. "I'm a gynecologist. I always have these things on me," she quirked an eyebrow, so I continued stammering, "To hand out…to my _patients_."

"Oh sure," she rolled her eyes. My dick pulsed. "My gyno's always hooking me up with condoms on my visits."

I smirked. "You're not a promiscuous teenager."

She smirked back and responded with raised eyebrows. "True, now we're wasting time, here."

That was all I needed to hear. I ripped the package open with my teeth and immediately rolled it on with a groan. The sensation was almost too fucking much, and I pinned her against the wall, kissing her pouty mouth with fury and desperation as I pressed my sheathed erection into her stomach.

"_Fuck_!" I cried out in a harsh whisper as she wrapped her fingers around my dick in between us and pumped a couple times. I dropped down and grabbed her left leg, bent her knee and ripped the thick boot off of her gorgeous foot as she held on to my hair. I then pulled her fantastically long leg from its denim and lace prison, but before moving on to the other, I threw her leg over my shoulder and stared at the tantalizing appetizer before me. I gripped her ass cheek and pulled her toward me as she gasped. "You are so fucking beautiful," I growled before I dove in, blowing on her gently and eliciting another unmistakable gasp from her mouth. I flattened my tongue and ran it up her soaking wet lips, then back down before I wrapped my lips around her clit and grazed it with my teeth.

"Oh…oh, God!" She cried out just above a whisper and clenched a fistful of my hair.

"Baby, your taste, it's like nothing else," I mumbled against her, lapping her up like I was starving.

"Edward…Edward, _please_," she panted.

I broke my lips from her and removed her leg from my shoulder. It seemed wobbly so I instructed her. "Hold onto my shoulder and lift your leg." I tapped her right leg.

"H—huh?" She seemed in a daze.

I chuckled. "Lift up your sexy leg, baby."

"Oh, sorry," she stated through her breaths and did what I asked.

When her jeans and boots were completely off of her, I again wasted _no_ time. I gripped her ass and lifted her, pressing her against the wall and rubbing my dick up and down her slick folds.

"Jesus, Edward!" She whimpered and grabbed the back of my head, slamming her lips to mine – our teeth clanking together – and our tongues exploring one another's mouths. She bucked into me and I broke our kiss, my breathing completely out of control.

"Baby," I panted. "I need to be inside you…_right now_. Is that okay?" I was fucking dying, I couldn't take it anymore.

"Yes. Yes," she responded almost immediately, trying to catch her breath as well. _Thank Christ_.

I pulled back and positioned myself, opening her legs a little wider and trying to give myself enough room so that I didn't hurt her. I realized that although she'd said it didn't hurt, my thrusts could cause serious pain to her still-bruised inner thighs if I wasn't careful. She whimpered again and moved her hips slightly. She was so fucking wet from my mouth and her juices that the head of my dick slid into her before I was ready, and I stilled.

"Baby," I whispered, still gasping for breath as I placed my forehead on hers and kissed her nose. "I'm going to do this as slowly as I possibly can, okay?" I grit my teeth and continued. "Because if I do what I want to do right now, I'm going to fucking hurt you."

She nodded and licked her goddamned lips again, staring at me with blue fire in her eyes. "I need you inside of me, Edward, please," she whispered again.

_She will be my undoing_.

I pressed her against the wall and pulled her on her legs gently as I slowly moved into her with a low animalistic growl.

"_Ohhhh_!" she threw her head back as she moaned, and I began to thrust in and out of her slowly.

"_Jesus_, Bella, you fucking feel so good…_so_…_God_…_damned_…_good_," I moaned between breaths and thrusts.

"Faster, Edward," she pleaded as she rocked her hips into me.

I couldn't get over how well we fit together. We were made for one another, like two pieces of a perfect puzzle. She wasn't complaining of pain at all; instead, she was begging me for more. Still, I had to be conscious of her well-being, no matter how bad I just wanted to let go.

"Edward, I need you to go faster, baby, _please_." She bit into my shoulder and I fucking thrust into her harder. "Yes! _God_, more please!" She was panting and moaning, digging her nails into the back of my lab coat, and I was losing my motherfucking mind. "I'm so close, Edward, so close." She whispered as she kissed and nipped along my jaw line, along my chin and up to my waiting lips. She bit down hard on my bottom lip and I couldn't fucking hold it in any longer.

"_Jesus_!" I threw my head back. "I…can't…_fuck_. I can't take it, baby, I have to come. I need you to, please." I reached down between us and began to rub tiny circles around her clit, feeling her begin to unravel as I thrust faster into her.

"Oh, God! Oh, God, Edward, I'm…" she trailed off as her muscles clenched around me, squeezing my throbbing cock with just the right amount of pressure. I slammed my hand against the wall above her head and my body shuddered violently as I came as hard as only Bella could make me come.

"_Fuck_! I fucking love you so much, baby," I growled loudly with my last thrust into her and held onto her for dear life. Then I pulled her away from the wall and held her tightly, my arms surrounding her. I was still buried inside her as we both slowed our breathing. I wanted to collapse onto the floor with her. I wanted to be in my bed with her so we could just curl up together and fall into a deep, nightmare-less sleep, but I knew better.

I showered her face with little pecks and she giggled, running her hands slowly through my hair. "We have to go, baby," I murmured softly, not necessarily wanting to say those words.

"I know," she said sadly and gazed into my eyes.

I kissed her mouth softly and stood her on her wobbly legs, holding her steady until she got her bearings. "You know," I said quietly as we both threw our clothing back on. "You really should take Carlisle's advice and file a restraining order against that prick." I could barely think of him without wanting to beat the shit out of him again. Her eyes flashed to mine and she nodded slowly as I released the elevator and we quickly began to descend.

"I don't want to go by myself," she muttered almost inaudibly under her breath as the elevator stopped and the doors opened slowly.

I peeked out of it, hoping to God there were no angry hospital personnel waiting on the outside. Luckily, we were in the clear and I nodded to her, gesturing 'ladies first.' She stepped off of it and as I followed her, she turned to me, grabbing me around the waist. I was a little surprised at her blatant display, although we were still tucked back in the corridor.

"Go with me _please_, Edward." She looked up at me and her deep sapphire eyes were pleading.

_How could I ever deny this amazing woman anything?_

"But, Bella, I thought you didn't want…with you being followed and everything, I didn't think you'd—"

"I don't care!" she interrupted. "I mean, I care about your safety and I don't want you to get hurt, but, ugh!" she huffed. "I don't want to leave you yet and I don't want to have to call Alice or Angela and explain this to them right now. I just, I don't want to do this alone."

I placed my fingers under her chin and pulled her face gently to look at me again. She looked vulnerable and it broke my heart. I knew after what Jake had told her, she no longer trusted the police and that she was terrified to even go in there. "Bella," I replied lovingly, "I will absolutely go with you, but, you know that they all know Sam. If they see you with me, well, I just don't want you to put yourself in anymore danger, baby."

She shrugged, but her face didn't mask her fear. "You're a witness. No one else saw what he did to me but you. That's…that's all they need to know, and besides that, I…I need you."

Her lips began to tremble and I couldn't bear to see her upset anymore. So, against my better judgment, I agreed to meet her at the police station in fifteen minutes. First I had to go to the men's room, I explained to her, and take care of a little business. That brought out a giggle in her as she realized I was still wearing the condom, and how extremely uncomfortable it was for me. I watched her leave before I darted into the restroom, then left five minutes behind her.

XXXX

As we approached the main counter inside the massive Chicago P.D., Bella stiffened. I could feel the fear and reluctance emanating from her, so I naturally took over.

"We need to file a restraining order," I told the officer behind the counter.

The skinny dark-haired officer, who looked like he'd barely stepped out of the academy, looked at us with an irritated expression. "We?" he responded smugly.

I glanced at Bella; she was looking toward the floor and nervously fidgeting with a piece of loose thread at the bottom of her shirt. I took her left hand in between mine and caressed it as she shifted her eyes to the officer quickly, then to me lovingly, then back to the floor.

"Well, she does," I explained further.

The officer sighed quietly and, without looking up from his computer, reached beneath the counter and pulled out a form, slapping it down in front of us.

"Name?" he muttered, but Bella didn't respond. "_Name_?" he asked again with slight irritation.

I nudged Bella and she lifted her head, only to look around at the busy station; the expression she beheld was one of blunt terror. "Uh, Bella…Bella Swan-Black.," I replied for her quietly.

"Okay," he looked at me pointedly, "and does _she_ talk?" His response was again smug and to be honest, I didn't much care for his attitude. I narrowed my eyes to a glare and then glanced at his name badge, chuckling to myself. D. Barnes…_more like Barney-fucking-Fife_.

"Well, _Barney_…" I smirked as he furrowed his brow at me behind his wire rim glasses, and continued, "…my friend here is a little nervous, so maybe you could show her a bit of courtesy by lightening your tone, huh?" I raised my eyebrows at him and he dropped his pen jutting his jaw out.

"First of all, _Sir_," he began, now highly annoyed. "I don't appreciate _your _tone. Secondly, my name is _Officer_ Derrick Barnes, and you will need to address me as such," he huffed. I was impervious to his mock-fucking-authority. I released my hand from Bella's and slammed it onto the counter, causing Officer Barney Fife to jump, as well as earning us a few awkward glances from around the station…not to mention a subtle glare from Bella.

"Wonderful, Officer Derrick Barnes. Now, could you maybe stop being a pencil dick, so that we can get on with this?" I said through gritted teeth.

He eyed me for a moment, his ears turning a bright shade of red. I'd successfully pissed off the first cop we came into contact with. _Way to go, idiot._ "I don't have to do anything for you with that attitude, Sir. Besides, it would seem that you're in the business of pissing people off by the looks of your face," he gloated.

"You little—" I started to go off until I was interrupted by Bella.

"Enough!" she blurted, placing her hand on my chest then continued. "Please stop."

I nodded and looked at her apologetically.

"So, you _do_ talk," Barney Fife continued smugly, and I glared at him.

"I'd rather not talk to _you_," Bella replied miffed. "Do you have a female officer available? Maybe somewhere a little more private?"

I snorted as Barney's jaw dropped. He stared at her briefly, stunned by her sudden brazen attitude, and then rolled his eyes. "Fine," he hissed. "Wait here." Then we watched as he stalked off, grumbling under his breath.

A few moments later we were approached by a female officer. She had a confident and authoritative demeanor, but her eyes were gentle. I felt Bella's tense body relax minutely and let out a silent sigh of relief. She extended her hand and smiled warmly.

"Hello, I'm Sergeant Heather Hawkins. You must be Bella?" Bella took her hand and nodded shyly. "And you?" The slender and attractive, strawberry-blonde haired sergeant turned her attention to me.

"I'm, uh, I'm," I stammered, and then looked to Bella, who nodded, so I continued "a friend of hers." She quirked an eyebrow at me. _Fucking nice, Cullen. Quit being a puss and talk!_ I berated myself. "Edward Cullen. It's a pleasure to meet you." I extended my hand and shook hers. She had a grip stronger than most men and I grit my teeth hard as the tender skin on my damaged knuckles felt like it was being torn from my bones.

"Cullen, huh?" She cocked her head to the side, and then shrugged. "Sounds familiar for some reason."

I wasn't sure I liked the sound of that.

"Why don't we go to my desk." She smiled again. "There's a little less traffic over there."

We agreed and followed her as she instructed us to sit in the two chairs facing her. Bella seemed a little more comfortable, but continued to dart her eyes around the station, no doubt, looking for signs of Detective Uley. She cordially offered us something to drink, which Bella declined, but I took her up on a cup of coffee. When she returned with a steaming cup, she sat down with an upbeat sigh and opened a crisp new file with a blank form inside.

"Looks like your face and something else didn't quite get along," she stated musically as she tore her eyes from the form to scan them over my features. "Everything okay?"

I shrugged. "I guess that's kind of why we're here."

"You should probably have that looked at." She eyed the deep scratch near my eye.

"I'm fine," I answered tersely.

"Wait, let me guess," she snorted. "I should see the other guy, right?"

I tensed immediately and Bella giggled, covering her mouth. Fuck, it was good to see her smile, even at my expense, but I was highly concerned and hoped I wouldn't be detained here once they found out about the beating I'd handed James. "You could say that." I replied, trying to blow it off.

Finally, she turned to Bella and proceeded to ask her questions. Bella began to timidly recount what had happened.

"And the alleged perpetrator's name?" Sergeant Hawkins asked.

Bella answered "James" and then looked at me.

"_Campbell_," I growled, not at all hiding my distaste. Somehow it pleased me to know that Bella had never even been inclined enough to know what his last name was.

The sergeant scratched her head with the back of her pen. "Huh, that sounds familiar too. And where is Mr. Campbell now?"

Bella again looked to me and I scoffed. "Hopefully in a coma," I mumbled under my breath before Bella elbowed me. The officer looked at me quizzically. "Uh, last I heard, he was in the ER," I muttered though my teeth.

The officer placed her pen on the form and folded her hands in front of her still looking at me, almost amused. "Cullen," she said to herself and looked up, contemplating. "I know why your name sounds familiar now. Is your father Dr. Carlisle Cullen?" I nodded slowly, wondering just how the hell she knew my father. I assumed it wouldn't be _that_ unusual. She let out a light chuckle. "One of my officers spoke with him on the phone not long ago. Interesting thing that you're here, Mr. Cullen."

_Shit! Why did I let Bella talk me into this? I'm absolutely fucked now_.

She pulled out a legal pad and looked over it, before eyeing my face again and grinned. She knew I was squirming and it was pissing me off. "Mr. Cullen, thanks to you, Mr. Campbell has a broken nose, two bruised ribs, several lacerations, and a broken tooth, not to mention multiple contusions," she stated and for a moment, my sick mind drifted to his ribs. _Damn_, I thought, _I could've sworn I'd at least cracked them_. I then tore myself from my thoughts and looked at Bella, whose mouth had fallen open in a combination of shock and fear. "Do you have anything to say about that?" Sergeant _Smartass_ said with a smirk.

I smirked back and responded, "Nope."

That was when Bella jumped in with panic riddling her voice. "He was just protecting me. Is there anything we can do? I—I can't have him locked up because of me!" I looked at her incredulously. My angel. What had I done to deserve her sticking up for me like this?

Sergeant Hawkins shocked us both by telling Bella to relax; that there was such a thing as 'defense of others' and since James had actually participated in fighting me as well as the fact that there were witnesses who had actually _heard_ James threaten my life, their legal hands were more or less tied.

"You're lucky though." She looked at me with cold eyes. "Any worse damage and you'd find yourself in a whole world of shit. We _will_ be taking his statement, however."

"What?" I responded a little too forcefully, pissed that he even got a say. Bella grabbed my arm to shut me up.

"It's a formality, Mr. Cullen," Sergeant Hawkins replied.

"Doctor." I said under my breath.

"Pardon?" she asked with raised eyebrows.

"It's Doctor Cullen," I responded dryly. I noticed her lightly lip gloss-covered mouth begin twitching slightly at the corners. Bella was eyeing her curiously.

"Oh really?" Sergeant Hawkins seemed to regain her upbeat demeanor, but I caught the sarcastic undertone as she continued "Wow, beating up a colleague at work, no less. Real nice, Doctor." She smirked and I frowned. She was annoying the shit out of me now, everything about her…even her innocent little ponytail.

"Why would you assume that, _Sergeant_?" I mocked her sarcastically. "He's not a colleague of mine." She looked surprised now. Bella was silent next to me, obviously letting me have my little conniption, but she gripped my arm in a subtle warning.

"Oh, so you don't work with your Father in Ortho?" _Nosy tart._

"Uh, no." I hesitated and glanced at Bella, who quirked an eyebrow in my direction. Then I continued, "I'm an OB-Gyn." The twitching of the cop's mouth grew into a wide grin that nearly split her face in half. She chuckled and leaned back in her chair, then looked at Bella.

"Well, that's just _perfect_, isn't it?" My girl busted into a fit of giggles and covered her face, which had exploded into a deep crimson color.

"I know, isn't it?" She leaned in and smacked her hand on the desk in front of her.

I stared at them both quizzically. Apparently I wasn't getting the joke. Finally I gave up, rolling my eyes and crossing my arms in a huff, like I was five. _Fucking women_. I proceeded to break their little school-girl giggles by asking the officer if they had anything new on the rapist from Millennium Park. She eyed me skeptically, somehow knowing that I wasn't simply curious, before responding that they were still 'working' on it. I glanced at Bella, who wore a befuddled expression, and I watched as realization crept across her face. Her eyes suddenly flashed.

"Well, I think maybe you should look into Mr. _Campbell_ here as a possible suspect," I stated forcefully.

"That's a pretty hefty accusation, Dr. Cullen. Do you have anything to back up what you're insinuating?" Sergeant Heather looked dumbfounded. I proceeded to give her the details of James' past in Seattle, as well as his behavior at the hospital around Bella and myself up to this point. When I mentioned that Bella had seen him at the park that very same day, I was fucking stunned by the chain of events that Bella proceeded to describe. Suddenly, all guilt associated with the beating I gave him disintegrated into nothing. I wished I'd done more. "Well, I now fully understand the Restraining Order, Ms. Black," the Sergeant began, "and I will keep this information in mind as we investigate…_but_, unfortunately, until we get some DNA and/or an eye-witness, there's not a lot I can do with it."

I sighed heavily. I wasn't satisfied, but what could I do? Keeping Bella away from him would become my top priority, because suddenly, I was convinced that he was behind it.

As we were wrapping up, Bella seemed to return to her anxious state again, fidgeting and compulsively pulling on the loose string attached to her shirt.

"Um, Sergeant Hawkins?" Bella asked dubiously.

"Please, call me Heather," the Sergeant responded warmly. I wasn't surprised that they'd seemed to make friends quickly.

"Heather," Bella sighed, then smiled. "Edward here is my friend but…" she looked around the room. "My husband is—"

"Fucking crazy," I blurted, not thinking, and Bella glared at me. I sighed and looked at her apologetically.

"I get it," Hawkins replied. "He wouldn't understand you two being here together."

Bella blew out a breath. "No, he wouldn't." Then she sat silent, looking at her clasped hands.

"Bella?" Sergeant Hawkins asked as she looked at her, genuinely concerned. It seemed that there was a mental conversation happening between the two women.

Bella sighed again and then looked around, glancing at me quickly before slowly pulling the sleeve of her left arm up to reveal the barely healing bruises. She turned her gaze to mine and I saw courage, a release of all the fear I'd seen before. This was what I'd prayed I would see in her and I was seeing it all now clearly in her sparkling eyes. I was stunned as she held my gaze with a power I couldn't describe and proceeded to fold the neck of her shirt down, revealing the next set of menacing bruises. My heart leapt in my chest and, as I looked into her eyes, prideful tears filled mine. Bella tore her eyes from mine and stared at Sergeant Hawkins.

Even the seasoned police officer before us gasped as she looked at what she'd been shown. "Bella, your husband did this to you?"

My baby nodded, her face flushed. "There's more," she responded to the officer softly.

"These are a week old, Sergeant." I leaned in, speaking through my teeth.

"Okay, Bella I can help you," Heather responded, and I wanted to jump over the desk and kiss her.

"No," Bella said flatly, earning a confused look from both Sergeant Hawkins and myself.

"I…don't understand," Heather retorted.

Bella leaned into her. "One of his best friends is a detective here, Detective Sam Uley, and I believe he or someone associated with him has been following me. I haven't noticed anything today, but he can't know I was here…with him." She grabbed my arm and squeezed.

"I understand," Heather replied, looking almost nervous. "I can assure you that what you're describing to me is against policy, but that doesn't mean it never happens. I'm aware of whom Detective Uley is and he's never had a complaint, but I promise you I'll look into it." She went on to say that she would try to keep this visit and the restraining order under wraps, but the latter, being a matter of public record, might not be so easy.

She then handed Bella her card, not necessarily satisfied – as I wasn't either – that Bella wouldn't let her help nail Jacob to the wall… _yet_, and made Bella promise to call her if she needed anything. There was an underlying tone of warning in her speech that seemed to be telling Bella not to take matters into her own hands should something happen again. I wanted to tell her she has nothing to worry about, but I knew Bella better than that.

Bella's mood had significantly lightened as we walked through the doors to the outside together.

"Oh my God, Edward," she squealed. "It's snowing!"

I laughed as I watched her throw her head back and stick her tongue out, capturing snowflakes on it as a child would. _God, she's fucking beautiful_.

"Hey, what was that about back there with me being an OB-Gyn?" I asked. I couldn't help it. I wanted in on the joke.

"Seriously?" She eyed me with a smirk.

"Uh, _yeah_." I said, wide-eyed.

She rolled her eyes. "You amaze me, Edward Cullen. Can you not _see_ how beautiful you are?" I furrowed my brow in confusion. "You're fucking gorgeous and you look at girly parts all day. You don't see the humor in that? Have you ever wondered why you're so busy with patients?" She let out a squeal of laughter and I rolled my eyes.

I wanted to be annoyed, but I couldn't. "You women are vicious. And I thought men were superficial. I'm hurt Bella, truly. I thought I had skills."

She jabbed me in my gut lightly and quirked a sexy eyebrow. "Oh, you have skills, Edward. No worries there."

XXXX

"Whoa! What the _hell_ happened to your face?" Emmett exclaimed when I showed up for the makeshift band practice the next morning. I'd forgotten that I would most definitely have some explaining to do once my friends saw the result of my run-in with James. Despite their curious stares, I did _not_ feel like enlightening them on my lack of self control, and I sighed.

"Nothing, Em. I really don't want to talk about it now, so, err, I'll tell you later?" I knew better than that.

"Of course you will." He snorted and rolled his eyes.

It was bad enough when I had to leave Bella the day before at her car. I wanted to abduct her and never let her go back to the motherfucker she was married to, but Alice's – as well as Esme's – words rang in my head. I had to let her do it _her_ way and in her own time. She needed time to get things right in her head; time that would, no doubt, have me losing my own mind. Still, I knew I had to let her go and I did so like the asshole that I am…with my jaw hard set and a worried look in her gorgeous blue eyes that haunted me all night long.

The practice session that Em and Jazz had set up actually went pretty well. Apart from Emmett's pissing and moaning about the two, possibly three songs I'd insisted on singing; one of which I'd been working on writing since Bella and I had _reacquainted ourselves_, it was amazing to get together with all the guys again and play. Emmett did his best – the way Emmett normally did – to shoot down my song choices. At one point, he attempted to distract me by making out with himself while moaning Bella's name in my fucking ear like he was twelve or something.

This earned him several menacing daggers from me as well as a couple of very curious looks from Garrett who –thankfully – didn't really ask much about it.

Jazz on the other hand, being the hopeless romantic that he was, nearly had tears in his eyes by the time I finished both songs, telling me in his southern drawl, "That was beautiful, man." I, of course, was forced to recover my manhood, noting how Emmett rolled his eyes and was about to bust my balls, so I told Jazz to stop being so fucking gay. Garrett laughed loudly at our ridiculous banter, choking out between laughs how much he missed us.

We all reiterated the same to him and I grabbed him into a very manly hug, asking him what the hell he'd been up to in Kansas City. He responded that the best thing about Kansas City was by far the barbeque, and that he was going to drag my ass there sometime to taste it.

"It's amazing, man," he said with a grin. "You have to try it."

The rest he was a little vague about and to be honest, he was acting a little… strangely toward me. I chalked it up to him just being nervous to be home and around all of us again.

"So, how are the ladies down in KC, Gar?" I shoved him playfully in the shoulder. He smiled shyly and blushed a little. Garrett was no stranger to women. With his olive skin, chestnut and sandy highlighted hair, huge, dark hazel eyes and rugged facial features, he had girls swooning over him as long as I could remember.

"They're, uh, nice," he responded, refusing to look at me. _Weird_.

"Right," Emmett scoffed. "He's got a fucking girl. You know he does. I'm disappointed, though. I was hoping to hear about all the fucking pussy you'd gotten, Garrett." Then he looked at me. "Won't tell us who the fuck she is, though. Sounds familiar, eh, Edward? Even though we all _know_ who you love!"

"Shut the fuck up, Emmett," I growled, glaring in his direction.

"Oh, please," He nudged Jasper. "It's all good, bro; her husband is a fucking douche anyway."

"_Whoa_, Husband?" Garrett looked at me, mouth open.

"It's nothing," I said through my teeth, still glaring at Emmett. He rolled his eyes and I wanted to punch him in the throat.

"Nothing, _right_. You better get on the phone and tell her about us playing, and she better bring her hot sister, Alice, or else Jazz here is going to die from the perpetual boner he gets just thinking about her. Furthermore, she'd better be bringing someone for me. I need some sex, motherfucker."

"I'd say," I scoffed. Garrett continued to stare, wide-eyed and Jasper was no help as his face was as red as a tomato thanks to Emmett's 'boner' comment.

"Shut your ass up, sinner!" Emmett guffawed. "Speaking of which, you seemed happy enough this morning. Did the good doctor get a little married _bootay_ last night?"

I growled loudly and clenched my fist. "No, fuckhead. I'm miserable, end of story. Now can we go fucking drink already?"

He raised his hands in surrender. "Sorry, _Jesus_. What did I say?"

Suddenly Garrett piped up. "Wait, Alice? Oh, man, are you talking about Bella Swan? The one you were with before? What's that kid's name she married again?"

I felt myself getting dizzy so I turned to him, trying to keep my venom in check. "I don't want to talk about it, okay man?" He nodded apologetically. I tried to lighten things. "So, Gar, who's the lucky girl? Someone you met in KC?"

His olive face blanched slightly he rubbed the back of his neck nervously. "Uh, yes and no."

"Don't waste your breath, dude," Emmett chimed in. "We've tried. Apparently, it's classified _fucking_ information," he stated sardonically as he gestured quotation marks.

"I will tell," Garrett mumbled under his breath, "…eventually. I just… need to figure out how."

We all looked at him, befuddled.

"Ya'll are fucked up," Jazz said, shaking his head. "Too many damned secrets. I don't keep my heart closed up like that. Ya'll need to let it out… let your love flow…" he continued, as we all looked at him incredulously.

We then looked at one another and grinned, collectively shouting "Shut the fuck up, Jasper!"

As we piled into Em's Hummer and shut the doors, he turned to us. "Alright ladies, where are we going?" We all shrugged.

"I don't give a shit," I said. "We should've figured this out earlier."

"Don't get your panties in a wad, Edwina. We'll figure it out. I'm hungry, so—"

"Jesus, Emmett, do you ever _stop_ eating?" I scoffed.

"Dude…" He eyed me. "Shut it, or you can get your sex-hair having ass out of my front seat."

I rolled my eyes. "Whatever, just go somewhere where I can have some beer, please."

Jasper offered his opinion from the backseat. "Hey, man, let's go to that piano bar, The Red Head."

Emmett burst into a fit of bellowing laughter as I turned and glared at Jazz. "I am not going _anywhere_ called The Red Head, Jazz!"

"Besides that, dick, I want _food_, not h'orderves and martinis," Emmett snorted, and Garrett snickered next to him.

"Fine, fuck ya'll then." Jazz crossed his arms over his chest and pouted like my eight year old would do as we all laughed.

We settled on Miller's Pub and once we arrived, we all piled into a large, dark wood booth as we began mulling over the menus. The cute but teenage waitress bounced over to us, pointed to her name tag and introduced herself as "Kattie". As she stated that she'd be taking care of us tonight and took our drink orders, Emmett all but eye-fucked her. I started with a Guinness Stout, and Em and Garrett went with Delirium Tremens; Emmett was intrigued by the description of the Belgian Beer – said to give you hallucinations of pink elephants should one over indulge.

_Perfect, just what we needed from our driver. Fuck it. I would be having that next. Pink Elephants were better than what I was currently dealing with in my life any day of the fucking week_.

"Oh look, Jazz, they have Pabst Blue Ribbon, just for your country ass!" Emmett chuckled, earning the stink-eye from Jasper.

"Fuck you, dude. You know I don't drink that nasty shit." He crinkled his nose in disgust and settled on – what else – a margarita.

"God, you're such a girl," Emmett stated to Jasper, who took a huge gulp of his frou-frou drink and sighed with a smile.

After the waitress delivered our meals; the largest steak on the menu for Emmett, who eyed it like he wanted to make love to it, and ribs for the rest of us, _and _after Emmett more or less ogled her again, I shot him a warning glance.

"What?" He raised his eyebrows at me.

"Seriously, dude would you stop. She's a fucking _kid_."

He pursed his lips. "Well, Kattie's hot. Did you see how she spells her name? Like a cat…_Cat_-tie," He wiggled his eyebrows, and then proceeded to make some ridiculous "meow" sound that actually sounded more like a dying feline.

"You're fucking ridiculous, dude," I chortled.

This didn't faze him as he stabbed his steak with a fork, shoving a huge piece in his mouth. "Besides that, I'm desperate." He muffled with food in his mouth.

"Desperate to go to jail, moron?" I countered.

"Fine." He sighed in defeat finally.

Once we scarfed down our food and I was on my second 'Delirium Tremens' – the pink elephant beer – Emmett noticed a very attractive, younger women sitting in the far corner of the restaurant, seemingly alone. She _was_ beautiful with her long, straight, reddish-brown hair and delicate features, but she had nothing on my Bella.

"Holy_ shit_, do you see that?" Emmett gasped, wagging his tongue at her like a salivating dog.

She noticed us looking in her direction and blushed, then smiled slightly and looked away.

"Do you think she's alone? Should I go talk to her?" Emmett asked, brushing off his shirt, suddenly and comically seeming unsure of himself.

"Go for it, big man." I smirked.

"Wait," Garrett interceded. "I think her boyfriend, or whatever, is coming back."

At that moment, we all turned to look. To have said we weren't prepared for what we saw would've been the motherfucking understatement of the century.

Jasper let out a low, "Oh _shit_."

Emmett gasped, followed by a semi-loud "What the fuck?"

"What? Who is that?" Garrett asked innocently.

And I was silent briefly before I answered in a low, hiss-like growl.

"Jacob _motherfucking_ Black."

XXXX

_**Chapter End Notes: Oh SUH-NAP! That's right, folks. Jacob Mofo Black is hanging out at a restaurant with another lady. Hmm, wonder what Edward's gonna have to say or DO about that? *wicked grin* Okay, so you guys know what to do… get your review on! Tell me what you thought of the steamy first part, to the whole police station fiasco. Do you think Edward should've gotten arrested? Can't wait to hear from you. You get another whole chapter of Docward and then Bella's back. Oh, and we will not be backtracking any on the next one. We're starting right where this one ends! I know you'll appreciate that. ;-) I hope everyone has a Very Merry Christmas and a very Happy and safe New Year's Eve! I will be back next year with a brand new chapter for ya! **_

_**PS, For everyone that reviews, I'll be giving you a little sneaky-peaky at my new One-Shot I've written, called "Snow-Fall and Delirium". I can't tell you when I'll get it to you, but I will do it. I just need to finish typing it first. Lol! I'd gotten the idea from a contest I saw over at The Twilight Awards and started writing it for that, however, it's highly unlikely I'm getting it done before the deadline. Anyway, if you want the sneak peak, review! **_

_**Now, for a rec: I've been reading 'Parachute' by KitsuShel and if you're not reading it, you're missing out. Not that she needs me to rec her out since she has a bazillion reviews…but it's awesome! **_


	39. important info about reviews

*****Important notice about Reviews*****

**Okay, guys, I think I know what's going on with FFn not letting certain people review the last couple chapters. **

**I had deleted 2 chapters recently that weren't really chapters at all. One of them was an A/N, much like this one to inform readers of a couple of things. It no longer applied, so I deleted it. The other one was a Teaser for chapter 23, which, again, no longer applied, so I deleted it.**

**FFn goes by it's own numbers, of course starting at 1 from the first chapter. Since my story begins with two prologues, the numbers have been screwed up from the beginning. When I deleted those two "chapters", it screwed it up even more. **

**It sounds a little complicated, but for some reason, I've figured it out. For example, before I deleted those "chapters" people that reviewed on chapter 31 were actually reviewing on FANFICTION'S chapter 35. (my chap 32 was ffn chap 36; my chap 33 = ffn chap 37, my 34 = ffn chap 38, my chap 35 = ffn chap 39) So, when I deleted those "chapters", fanfiction didn't delete any reviews from them and so fanfiction thinks that some people have already reviewed a particular chapter number when they really haven't! **

**It's ridiculous.**

**And utterly fucked up.**

**But I'm fixing it (I think) by adding 2 more bullshit chapters to get it back to where it was. Ugh…so fucked up!**

**So, here's what you need to do, if you would. SERIOUSLY, this is how dedicated to my reviewers I am. **

**CLICK THE NEXT ARROW TO THE NEXT "CHAPTER" AND ****THAT'S**** WHERE (if it told you that you couldn't review) YOU NEED TO REVIEW FOR CHAPTER 36 "Somewhere Only We know". **

**THANK YOU FOR READING MY RANT! ILY GUYS!**

**~WickedCurveBall74**


	40. review here for 36

****IMPORTANT****

Hi! If you were told by fanfiction when you tried to review chapter 36 (Somewhere Only We Know) that you couldn't review again…and you hadn't even reviewed yet…

**REVIEW HERE!** Pretty please with sugar and cherries and Docward on top! Mwuah! Love you!


	41. Chapter 37, Face Down

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past**

**Chapter 37, "Face Down" ~ Red Jumpsuit Apparatus**

Edward's POV

_****A/N: First of all…wonderful, amazingly fucking awesome reviews from last chapter! I'm so glad you guys enjoyed the 'elevator lovin' and I hope to bring you some more 'lovin' soon, but we've got some things to cover in the next couple chapters…such as, what is Jake really up to? Well, I have a very special outtake that I've been working on, and for those of you that review THIS chapter, I will send it to you. **_

_**So, thank you so, so much to my beautiful and fabulous beta, THEsnapcrakklepop, who actually had her work cut out on this one because it was entirely too long. She helped talk me into cutting it in half since there was so much going on in it. Therefore, you'll get Bella pov next, then the continuation of this chapter in #39. I love confusing you guys! Lol! **_

_**Thanks so, so much to one of my best readers/reviewers, *fmneff*, who has graciously accepted the position of being my second beta. Welcome, darlin' and big smooches to you. The lovely sweetishbubble has requested some time off due to RL issues and while I will miss her, I understand completely.**_

_**Big fat hugs and kisses out to my lovely RL friend and reader, *kattie* for again, struggling through my scribbles to type this up for me. You're the best! **_

_**Now, I know you guys have been waiting to find out what Edward's going to do about Jacob in the restaurant, so please don't let me keep you from it any longer. Enjoy! **_

_**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended. All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. All songs are owned by the respective artists, record companies and labels. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and its characters…I do not. **_©2011 WickedCurveBall74/RobsMyEdibleArt, All rights reserved worldwide.

**Song Link, Face Down- www(dot)youtube(dot)****com/watch?v=W8wvyPDZo_w**

XXXX

"_**Hey girl you know you drive me crazy; One look puts the rhythm in my hand,**_

_**Still I'll never understand why you hang around; I see what's going down,**_

_**Cover up with makeup in the mirror; Tell yourself 'It's never gonna happen again,'**_

_**You cry alone and then he swears he loves you,**_

_**Do you feel like a man when you push her around? Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?**_

_**Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end; As your lies crumble down, a new life she has found,**_

_**A pebble in the water makes a ripple effect; Every action in this world will bear a consequence,**_

_**If you wait around forever you will surely drown; I see what's going down,**_

_**I see the way you go and say 'You're right' again, say 'You're right' again;**_

_**Heed my lecture,**_

_**Do you feel like a man when you push her around? Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?**_

_**Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end; As your lies crumble down, a new life she has found,**_

_**Face down in the dirt, she said 'This doesn't hurt,' she said 'I've finally had enough,'**_

_**Face down in the dirt, she said 'This doesn't hurt', she said 'I've finally had,'**_

_**One day she will tell you that she's had enough; He's coming around again,**_

_**Do you feel like a man when you push her around? Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?**_

_**Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end; As your lies crumble down, a new life she has found,**_

_**Do you feel like a man when you push her around? Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?**_

_**Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end; As your lies crumble down, a new life she has found,**_

_**Face down in the dirt, she said 'This doesn't hurt,' she said 'I've finally had enough!'"**_

XXXX

Out of my peripheral, I could see Em snap his head around and eye me suspiciously, but my eyes were fixed on the scene before me. The asshole walked up to the girl Emmett had been ogling not two minutes prior and leaned down to give her a quick peck right on the mouth. He had yet to notice the four sets of prying eyes that were burning holes into the side of his face – I wished literally.

Emmett answered Garrett in an almost whisper. "That's Bella Swan's husband, Jacob Black, to clarify."

"Oh," Garrett replied. "And if I remember correctly, that's not Bella Swan."

"No, the fuck it isn't," I hissed again, my teeth grinding almost painfully against one another. I gripped my tall beer glass so tightly that suddenly, it shattered in my hands and all three sets of eyes belonging to my friends, as well as some strangers around us, were instantly on me. My chest began to heave and my nostrils flared as I felt the familiar rage begin to rumble and boil in my gut.

"Edward," Emmett said cautiously, sensing the scene that was about to unfold, but I ignored him. I tore my eyes from Jacob and his apparent girl-fuck for only a split second to note the small trickle of blood trailing its way down the palm of my hand. I drew that same hand into a tight fist, barely feeling the sting of pain as my eyes quickly to Emmett, who was looking at me with alarm, then I darted my eyes back to my target. "Edward," Emmett said again, a little louder this time.

"Hey!" I yelled across the restaurant as I launched myself from my seat on the outside edge of the booth and toward my motherfucking nemesis.

"Fuck!" Emmett called from behind me, and then to the guys, "Come on!"

Jacob saw my approach followed closely by the rest of the guys and his russet colored skin blanched. He looked like a deer caught in the headlights of oncoming traffic. He _looked_ like he was about to vomit and if he didn't on his own, I was going to be happy to make him. Every single eye in the pub was on me, but I couldn't have given two shits about that. I could hear nothing but my own rapid pulse thumping in my ears and it was fueled by one thing: pure unadulterated rage. His eyes never left mine, but widened as I approached and he took a step forward, shielding the horrified girl in the corner. I made contact.

"You son of a bitch!" I screamed as I shoved him with all of my might. He had braced himself, but the force behind my shove caused him to stumble backward. He tripped and tumbled over the chair he was in front of, but quickly righted himself and turned to me with a snarl.

"What the hell, asshole? You're insane!" he hissed at me and clenched his fists.

Just then, I felt Emmett's hands gripping my shoulders and pulling me backward. He anchored himself between the two of us as Jazz flew to Jake's side and put his hands flat on his chest.

"I'm crazy?" I shouted as I pressed forward and Emmett pressed his chest against me. "Me? I don't beat up women, motherfucker!" I reached my arm over Emmett's shoulder and pointed my finger in his face.

His eyes darkened and he showed his teeth like rabid animal as he growled back at me. "I don't know what you are talking about, _dick_!"

Oh, this douchebag hadn't even seen crazy yet. "You lying piece of fucking shit!" I screamed and shoved my way forward. "Move, Jasper!" I seethed but Jazz shook his head, panic spreading across his features. "I saw the bruises, _fuckstick_! I saw what you fucking did to her!"

Emmett as doing his best to hold me back, but he wavered slightly when I revealed that, and muttered, "Wait, what?" Still, he was like a brick fucking wall that I couldn't get through and with each seconded that passed, more and more rage was building inside me. I stopped struggling for a moment and Emmett eased up a bit.

"Did it make you _feel_ good, Jake? Make you feel like a big fucking _man_ to put your hands on her like that?" The douchebag just looked at me in utter and complete shock. _Good_. I was calling the motherfucker out and if I didn't have a fucking giant _tree_ in front of me, I would show him exactly how it felt to be nearly strangled to goddamned death. "You make me fucking _sick_," I spat. Regardless of who was holding me back, I had no intentions of leaving without getting a shot or two in.

I turned my attention to the girl who obviously thought she was having dinner out with her boyfriend. "I don't know who you are," I began through heavy breaths, "but you don't want this man. He could do to you the same thing he did to his _wife_." I turned and glared at Jacob. She didn't move, only sat there like a stone – a terrified stone on the verge of tears.

"What the hell is he talking about, Jake?" Jasper asked with a scowl, glaring at him. "You hurt Bella?"

Jacob ignored him. Instead he growled from deep within his chest and glared at me as he addressed his toy. If I hadn't known better, I would have thought that fire would shoot out of every orifice on his face. "Don't listen to him, Ness. He's talking out of his ass." Then the mother fucker tried to intimidate me. "You have no idea what you're getting yourself into, Cullen. Leave. It. Alone!"

"Leave it alone? Are you fucking kidding me, Black?" I slammed my body against Emmett trying to get to this prick. "You'll never touch her again, ever!"

"Whoa! Whoa!" Emmett bellowed as Jacob came forward forcefully, temporarily breaking free of Jazz, and shoved me in my right shoulder. I reached over Emmett's shoulder in retaliation and threw my already damaged fist toward Jake, but Em grabbed me in a massive bear hug, pressing me backward, so I was barely able to nick his left temple with my knuckle. I was fucking pissed.

"Get the fuck _off_ me, Emmett!" I roared, but he refused.

"NO! Edward, stop. You're not doing this now. Not here, Bro!"

"The hell I'm not," I shouted, "he needs his fucking ass kicked!"

"FUCK you, Edward. You keep your hands off my wife!" Jacob sneered.

We were approached suddenly by a couple of men, whom I could only assume were managers, that yelled at us to take it outside or they were calling the cops. Emmett responded to them that we were leaving, tossed one of them a couple hundred dollar bills, and began to shove me toward the door. Nearly every patron in the pub was staring at us, wide-eyed, mouths gaped open in horror. The ones that weren't had there eyes trained on their plates in front of them, afraid to look up, I supposed.

"She doesn't love you anymore, Jake," I yelled over Emmett's shoulder. "She's leaving you, and _this_ time...I'm putting her back together." I regretted saying as soon as it left my angry lips. Not because I didn't mean it, but because I knew the arrogant prick would use it to hurt her, and I couldn't believe that I could be so stupid as to put her at risk like that.

"Bullshit, asshole!" Jacob yelled back. "She'll never leave me. She loves me, and she's _mine_! She'll never be yours!"

"What?" Finally the meager looking girl he was with broke her silence. "Real nice, Jake!" She shouted, grabbing her purse and storming toward the door with an angry scowl.

"Wait, Ness!" he called after her. "Hey, Vanessa!" But she refused to turn around.

"Smart girl," I smirked in his direction, as Emmett repeatedly told me to shut the fuck up while still pushing me toward the door.

"You stupid fuck!" Jacob screamed and launched toward me, only to be stopped by Jasper and this time, Garrett – who was throwing muddled glances my direction.

"What, bitch?" I shot back. "What are you going to do about it?"

"I guess I'll have to _talk_ to Bella about it," he snarled, and I lost my mind.

"You don't fucking TOUCH her, motherfucker!" I broke free of Emmett somehow and rocketed toward him, ready to end him, only to be stopped by Jazz and Garrett.

"Edward, go now, goddamn it!" Jasper shouted.

I felt Emmett's tree trunk arms wrap around my waist as he literally lifted me off the floor and turned toward the door.

"This isn't over, Edward!" Jacob yelled.

"Shut the fuck up, Jake!" Jasper shoved him backward as I responded.

"You better fucking believe it's not over, douchebag! Any day of the motherfucking week!" I growled as Emmett carried me out the door. "_Fuck_!" I screamed into the night, and fisted my hair as Garrett and Jazz ran out the door behind us.

Once I convinced Emmett that I wasn't going back in to kill Jacob, even though I wasn't quite convinced of that myself, he let me go and we got in the Hummer.

"_Jesus_ what the fuck, Edward?" he asked, exasperated as the engine of his Hummer roared to life and he peeled out of the parking lot, tires squealing. I accelerated to an ungodly speed, not even looking at the road. Instead, I could feel his steel gaze penetrating my skin.

I rested my head in my hands and shook, it unable to explain what the fuck just happened. "I'm fucking sorry you guys," I muttered.

"What the hell is going on, man?" Jazz asked from the back seat.

"_Fuck_, this is so messed up I—I have to call her," I mumbled to myself, pulling my cell out of my pocket.

"Hold the fuck on," Em retorted. "First you need to tell us what that shit was all about."

I sighed heavily and proceeded to explain everything to my friends. The park, the spy, possibly Sam, Angela's house, Bella's bruises, what he did to her, everything except James. I didn't feel it was the important issue at hand. When I finished recounting the events to them, I was met with dumbfounded expressions, followed by gripes from both Em and Jazz that had I told them about this sooner, they would've helped me drag his ass into the alley to decorate his body with the bruises he deserved. In fact, Emmett threatened to turn the fucking vehicle around right then and there, but I stopped him, like a motherfucking pussy, because I didn't want to hurt Bella anymore than I already had tonight.

"No wonder you wanted to drink, bro," Emmett stated as he whipped his _tank_ into a parking lot, taking up several spaces. "Come on, we're not done. You need some tequila."

I welcomed the idea, but I knew I needed to talk to her first, so I picked up my phone and dialed Bella's number, holding my breath.

Her voice nearly made me lose myself, but the thought of what I had to tell her brought the acid back into my veins.

"Are you okay?" she asked, noting my hostility even through the phone.

"Bella, do you know where Jake is tonight?" I asked flatly.

"Yeah, why are you asking me that, Edward? What's going on?" She started to sound worried.

"I don't think you do Bella." I was coming off sounding like an asshole and I didn't want to, but I couldn't keep the animosity from plowing its way through my tone.

"Well, he said he had to work late, but I'm not having him followed, so who the hell knows, why?" she asked again getting annoyed.

"Because… because I saw him at Miller's Pub with a girl named Vanessa, baby," I blurted. I felt the guys' eyes snap to me when I said the last word but I didn't fucking care anymore.

She was silent for several seconds before she responded, her voice weak. "Oh _shit_. What happened, Edward? Did you...did you do something? Are you okay?"

_Amazing_. She was worried about me. That was when I lost myself and turned into the pansy ass motherfucker I was merely due to her voice. "I'm so sorry, baby. I went the fuck off on him. I wanted to kill him, Bella, but the guys…they stopped me."

"The guys? What guys?"

_Fuck, you really don't consider the consequences of your actions, do you, Cullen? Perfect._ "Uh, Emmett, Jasper, and, uh, Garrett." Silence. "Bella?"

Finally, she responded, her voice low and shaky. "So, h—he knows you know…and, and they all know too?" _Christ_, it was one fuck up after another with me.

"I'm so fucking sorry, I—I had to tell them." I felt my throat closing up. I just knew she was getting ready to lay into me. Instead, after another brief silence, I heard her sigh.

"Shit," she whispered. "Okay…it's okay."

I was stunned. I almost dropped my phone. "Y—you're not mad?" I could already hear the _pussy-whipped_ comments I was going to get after this.

"I'm not happy about it, Edward, but what can I do? How can I be mad at you when you think your job is to protect me?" I sighed relieved until she continued. "Listen, I will handle this. Don't do _anything_ else, Edward, please. I'm begging you. I'm so fucking done with him, but you should already know that. He'll know it soon, I promise, okay?"

Yesterday wasn't soon enough for me but I had no choice. I reluctantly agreed on the condition that if he so much as looked at her cross eyed, she was to let me know immediately. I didn't believe her when she said she would. "You're mine after the holidays," I whispered to her and she responded without missing a beat.

"In my heart, I'm already yours."

Surprisingly, I caught no slack from my friends when the called ended and before I knew it, I was licking, shooting, and sucking more than I cared to elaborate. Several Tequila shots and approximately ten Jack and Cokes – well mostly Jack with a little bit of Coke – later, I could barely make out my friends blurry faces.

XXXX

"Isss all _fucked_," I slurred as I tried to figure out which of my buddies I was speaking to. "Allofit. _Fuuucked_." I waved my hand in the air, gesturing to…someone's distorted face.

"It's alright, man. I think we should get you home." I heard a distinct southern drawl and determined that the face I was more or less spewing my emotional vomit on was Jazz.

"Jassssper?" I slurred again, and the distorted face nodded. "I'minloooove w'her gahdamnit." I slammed my hand on the bar in front of me. "And she's fuggin married to a douchebaaag. How's that for some fffffucked up lllluck?"

"It'll all work out, man, don't worry," Jasper stated. Although I was barely aware of my surroundings, I was thankful that he was taking the time to listen to my ramblings.

"Woooork out, schmirk-out!" I shouted and slammed my hand a top the bar again. "I need another drinnnk. Gimme a Jaaaack-n-Coke!" I shouted at the blurry bartender.

"He's had enough. McCarty!" I heard the gruff voice state behind the worn wood of the bar. "Get him out of here before he barfs all over my bar!" I recognized his voice and remembered – apparently I'd forgotten – where I was.

"I got it, Ralph. We're headed out!" Emmett called back.

Ralph Taylor was the owner and usual bartender at his old, but well-known, establishment, Taylor's Pub. We'd gotten to know him well in our previous days when our band would frequently play on his small stage. We had gained a little bit of local notoriety, and owed our brief popularity to the older, biker-looking man with a long, graying beard. Unfortunately for me that night, he was rather intolerant of blubbering drunks like myself.

"Comeonnnn, _Raaalph_," I said pathetically. "I jus' need one mooore _fuggin_ whiskey." Again, I could barely see his face, but noted the blurry image moving side to side in a negative fashion. His gruff voice stated that he was "cutting me off."

XXXX

I learned the next day when Emmett called to express his opinion of me being a light weight, essentially adding to my pounding head, that I'd successfully pissed off Ralph further by called him "Ralphie" and referring to him as the little boy in the movie 'A Christmas Story.' I also learned that I needed assistance from my friends, not only in walking out of the bar, but also into my apartment. Luckily I hadn't vomited on myself, but did wake up fully clothed, smelling like ass and face down on my black leather sofa. Later that day, as I was still feeling like last week's garbage and had become best friends with a bottle of Pepto Bismol as well as a bottle of Tylenol, my phone rang. The caller ID reflected my father's name and I steeled myself as I answered, preparing for the ass chewing I was about to receive. I'd avoided my father's calls for the past couple of days. The severity of the situation, as well as the possibility that I could lose my job, were things that I wanted to forget about for the time being.

"Hey Dad," I said in a soft, defeated tone, and then braced myself.

"Edward, I have great news!" My father sounded almost giddy and I was caught completely off guard.

"What?" I furrowed my brow, trying to figure out what he could possibly be so elated about, especially if it had to do with me.

"I can't believe I didn't think about this before," he continued.

"Carlisle, are you on something? What are you talking about?" I asked still utterly confused.

"The surveillance camera, Edward. Security reviewed it. I've been trying to get a hold of you for two days, son. Where have you been?"

"I'm sorry dad, I've been…out of sorts lately," I muttered absent-mindedly. "So, what about the camera?" I asked, and cringed thinking about my lack of self control having been captured on film.

He sighed euphorically. "Well, luck has it that the camera wasn't located near the corridor where most of the… action took place." I cringed again. "But, there was one located in the corner near the public elevators and, well, they caught him, Edward. You were right, and Bella was telling the truth. I'm afraid I owe you both an apology. I'm…I'm sorry, son."

I opened my mouth to respond, but closed it again. I couldn't believe what I was hearing from Carlisle and questions were circling around in my head. What did this mean? Was my job secure? What about James? Just as I was about to bombard my father with these questions, he cleared his throat and continued.

"However, we still need to have a little talk, you and me, Edward." _Awesome. Here it comes._ "I don't know what exactly is going on between you and Bella Swan-_Black_…" I gritted my teeth in response to his assertion of her married surname. "… or how serious it is for that matter, but I wonder if you truly understand the implications if your actions."

I sighed heavily into the phone. "And you don't need to know Carlisle," I dead-panned. "We're close friends and that's the end of it."

"_Friends_? Are you kidding me, Edward? I'm not an idiot. I know what I saw."

"I'm not saying you are, Carlisle, but you don't know anything and it's my business, not yours."

"Not my business?" He huffed. "When I'm having to discuss with the board issues that surround you getting in a physical altercation with another hospital employee on hospital grounds, no less, over a woman that's _married_, I'd say it's my damned business!"

I gripped the phone tightly as I began to loose my cool. "Nobody fu—" I let out an exasperated growl. "Nobody asked you to do that, Carlisle. I'm a grown man. I'm pretty sure that I can handle my own business. And as for getting into a fight with him over a woman…" I chuckled humorlessly. "There wasn't much of one. He tried to abduct and do God knows what to someone I care about." I was fucking fuming that I had to down play it like that. I wanted to say that the prick was trying to take my heart, my life away from me, but I couldn't. "Believe me when I say that he got much less than what he deserved," I hissed.

"Edward!" Carlisle scolded. "I saw his chart and I spoke to the police about this as well. Do you even know what you did to him? Do you realize what you could've imparted on yourself?" I growled again.

"I know exactly what I did to him, Carlisle." I proceeded to list his injuries verbatim from what Sergeant Hawkins had informed me of. "He fucking got off easy."

Carlisle was silent for a moment before he responded. "Edward, please." He sighed. "Can you be an adult about this for once?" I rolled my eyes because arguing with him was like slamming my head into a cement wall repeatedly. "Wait," he said suddenly. "How did you get that information? Did you talk to the hospital?" In hindsight I should've said I had, but once again my mouth went off before my brain could stop it.

"No, my _friend_ didn't want to file a restraining order by herself. I spoke to a Sergeant at the police station."

"_Jesus_, Edward! You went with her? So, you're just blatantly out and about with her now?"

I was seeing red again. "Leave it alone Carlisle! You have no idea what this girl's been through. She needed me there." I needed him to shut up about it, or else I was going to relent and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he wouldn't be as understanding as Esme.

"Then talk to me, son. I want to help you." I shook my head in defense as if he could see my reaction.

"You don't understand, Carlisle. I cannot and will not discuss it. You're going to have to trust me right now." He responded with only a sigh, so I quickly returned to the real issue at hand. "So, what does this mean, about the camera? What happens now?"

He proceeded to fill me in on how the camera captured James' manhandling of my girl and how the fight itself wasn't seen, only a couple of scenes when I'd apparently thrown James to the ground and he had launched himself back toward me. The camera had depicted James as the perpetrator that he was. The security guards assisting him onto the gurney, beaten to a pulp, was the only indication that someone else had taken care of things, so to speak.

I smiled to myself in retrospect, once again feeling the rush of satisfaction I received when I slammed my fist into his flesh as well as the surprisingly propitious turn of events. I wondered out loud what Carlisle's next move would be as far as the weasel prick was concerned, and his initial response disturbed me.

"I will be requesting proper disciplinary action tomorrow with the board."

I scoffed in return. "Proper discipl…are you kidding me? So what? He's getting a slap on the wrist, Carlisle? Fuck that!"

"Edward," Carlisle retorted in a clipped tone, "Relax. I'm recommending that he be terminated. We can't have someone like that working with patients." Duh, I thought to myself. "As for you," he half chuckled, "I'm wondering if I need to get my old friend, Al, in touch with you regarding your anger management issues."

I sneered. "Whatever, I won't be speaking to Alistair _mind-screw _Johns unless a judge forces me to." Carlisle sighed, stating that was highly likely if I didn't get my temper in check. _Oh_, he had no fucking idea what I'd be capable of the next time I ran into Jacob Black. Let's just say that I had the strong possibility of an orange jumpsuit in my future.

"I just want you to be careful, son. I worry about you. I hope you understand where I'm coming from."

"I do, Dad." I replied. "I'm sorry for being such an asshole and maybe someday I can tell you everything but like I said, I just need you to trust me that I know what I'm doing right now. I'll be putting in for a short leave of absence tomorrow; approximately two to three weeks. I need to sort some shit out."

Carlisle approved, stating it might be a good idea to let things settle at the hospital for a while. I followed up my call from Carlisle with one to the hospital administrator, setting up my leave of absence – beginning immediately. The last call of the day went to Heidi, who expressed concern, having heard about the incident at the hospital – _apparently good news fucking files around there_ – but agreed to reroute my appointments to another doctor in our group. Consumed with the thought that Bella was angry with me for confronting her dumb fuck of a husband, I sent her a text groveling _like the whipped bitch that I am_. She returned one quickly and it made my body ignite. My dick immediately stood at attention.

_Your submissiveness turns me on, Doctor Cullen. I am upset with you for doing what you did, but I'll be using it against you in a very good way the next time I see you.*wink* Any idea where I could pick up a whip? -B _

I texted her back, trying not to pant like an over heated dog. _I prefer handcuffs, Ms. Swan. -E_

My phone chirped again. _That can be arranged, Doctor, Don't you worry.-B_

My next text to her reflected my true feelings. _But I am worried about you, baby. More than you can imagine_. _-E_

She responded again, but it took her a minute. _Don't be, Edward. Really, I'm fine. My attorney will be hearing from me tomorrow. Papers will be drawn. It's almost over. I love you, so, so much_. _-B_

My chest swelled with adoration and my heart began to increase its tempo. Elation, longing, desire consumed me, and my physical need for her was briefly quenched that night by my own hand.

XXXX

"Oh I'm so glad you guys are here!" Esme squealed when Kel and I walked thought the door on Thanksgiving afternoon. She wiped her hangs on her frilly apron and held her arms out for Kellan, who bounced over and wrapped his arms around her lovingly. "How's my little chef?" my mother cooed, earning a toothy grin from my boy.

"I'm good, Nana," he countered with a gleam in his eyes. I was glad he wasn't interested in girls just yet, because no girl would stand a chance next to his Nana.

"Are you ready to help your Nana finish up the turkey and stuffing before Gee-Gee and G-Pop Platt get here?"

Esme's parents, Grandma and Grandpa Platt, were my only grandparents amongst the living. Grandpa Cullen passed away from a massive heart attack when I was a teenager, and we lost Grandma Cullen to a stroke when Kellan was just a couple of years old. Even so, I hardly saw my living grandparents – only on holidays, when they traveled the nearly six hours from their home in Columbus, Ohio to ours in Chicago.

Kellan nodded quickly and gestured toward the kitchen with both pointer fingers. "Let's do this, Nana." Esme and I both erupted in laughter as my father appeared suddenly from the kitchen looking a bit frazzled. "Granddad!" Kellan exclaimed and tackled Carlisle in a miniature bear hug.

"Oh, my boy," my father replied with a breathy chuckle. "Am I glad to see you. Your Nana's got me slaving away in there and I think she's lost her patience with me. Can you take over for me?"

Kellan gave him a confused smile and replied. "Don't worry, Granddad. Nana and me, we got this."

I laughed again as my son and my mother disappeared into the kitchen. I called after them hastily, "I'll be expecting him back in here very soon, mom. We've got some football to watch!" If I wasn't careful, Esme would turn him into the granddaughter she never had. My father and I shook hands and he brought me into a light embrace. When I pulled back and looked into his eyes, they were filled with warmth and compassion, but I could see something else flashing behind his hazel gaze. I implored him with a gaze of my own to leave the subject alone.

"Well son, are you ready for some football?" He threw in a toothy grin and I laughed whole-heartedly at the cheese coming from my father. I nodded just as the doorbell rang. Carlisle padded over to the door and opened it softly to the wide grin of my best friend.

"Doctor C!" Emmett boomed as he made his way through the door with an oversized cooler, no doubt filled with beer.

"Emmett, welcome!" Carlisle greeted him warmly. "So nice to see you, son." Emmett nodded as Carlisle's eyes shifted to the cooler next to him. "What do have we here?"

Emmett's smile increased impossibly as he proudly stated, "Well, Doctor C, I knew you would have your hands full here today, keeping this jackass in line." He pointed to me and I rolled my eyes. _Dickhead_. "So, I took it upon myself to bring us some beverages. We can't watch football without beer, it's un-American!" Carlisle let out a nervous chuckle, understanding Emmett's beverage intake capacity.

"Yeah, well the problem with that is," I scoffed, "by the time he's done, there won't be any left for the rest of us."

"Maybe, bro." Emmett met my scoff with a quirked eyebrow. "Guess you're just S-O-L anyway since I didn't bring you any Heini's, huh?"

I smirked in response, "Mom!" I called. "We can eat now. The real turkey is here!"

"Oh, har har, Edwina," he countered. "Real fucking funny."

"Emmett McCarty!" I heard my mother's scolding tone as she appeared from the kitchen and smirked to myself. "You will watch that filthy mouth of yours in my house, young man." She walked up to him with a warm half-grin and a sharply quirked eyebrow as he gazed back apologetically.

"Sorry, Mrs. C. I guess Edward just brings it out in me."

Esme waved her index finger between the two of us as she teased, "You boys better behave."

Em and I both let out a collective "Yes, mom," then erupted in laughter.

"Oh, Emmett." She placed her gentle hands on his cheeks and smiled. "I'm so glad you could join us today. You're sure we're not interfering with any family plans you might've had?"

Emmett shook his head and chuckled hastily. "No way, Mrs. C. The only turkey my mom's concerned about anymore is the wild kind that comes in a bottle." I snorted because that shit was so sad it was funny, but Esme looked mortified.

"Oh, honey," she cooed, "I'm sorry. I guess I don't need to ask how your mom's doing."

Em shook his head and smiled, "Nah, don't worry about it, Mrs. C., she's alright. Still kickin' you know." Kellan had followed closely behind Esme and was elated to see my monstrous friend.

"Uncle Em!" he exclaimed as he bounced toward him excitedly. Emmett scooped him up and gave him his signature bear hug.

"Little man! How you doin'? You putting up with your old man over here? Need Uncle Em to deal with him?" He sat Kellan down and pounded his fist into the palm of his other hand mockingly.

I rolled my eyes again. My child looked at me and smirked before turning back to Emmett and replying smugly. "It's rough, but he's not so bad. I can handle him." I gave a brief roar of laugher and shook my head. _Little shit_.

"Alright, smart one," I retorted. "Don't you have some cooking to finish up with Nana?" I teased and Esme jumped, blurting out that they'd forgotten the whipped cream on the pies. I winced subtly and felt heat rush to my cheeks as obscene images filled my mind involving Bella and whipped cream and the possibilities. Emmett caught it, _of course, why wouldn't he_, and tossed a mischievous smirk in my direction. I shook it off, shooting him a warning glare, and luckily noted my boy and my mom disappearing again into the kitchen.

Emmett succeeded in annoying the fuck out of me further by sauntering over and whispering 'MILF' – only audible to me – with a smirk. I retaliated by shoving him hard in the shoulder to which he gave his classic response coupled with a dumbfounded expression, "What, what did I say?"

Dinner went surprisingly well considering the fact that my best friend and my son were having a contest to see who could devour a turkey faster. Needless to say my son lost, looking miserable and a little nauseous in the end, and I commented to my numbskull buddy that he'd be cleaning up the aftermath should Kellan's dinner make a reappearance later.

Kellan retired to lounge on the sofa, in other words to let his food settle so that he could eat entirely too much pie later and undoubtedly make himself sick. Grandma and Grandpa Platt followed closely behind for the same reason. My parents, Emmett and I were left at the table as we chit chatted pleasantly about our daily lives. Em earned some great chuckles from Carlisle and Esme when he animatedly commented how awesome it must be to be able to break bones legally, and Esme boasted about her up and coming project of teaching interior design classes a couple days a week at the local community college.

It occurred to me how well she and Alice would get along at family gatherings such as these, but I quickly put those thoughts out of my mind, reminding myself adamantly that Bella had hard decisions to make before we could get to that point. _If_ we could. An awkward moment came when Carlisle mentioned how well the deep scratch under my eye had healed. I looked at my mother quickly with a slightly panicked expression, but she only smiled sadly and nodded. I wondered if Carlisle had told her everything about the incident.

"Yeah, I tried to get Dr. Tight-lips over here to tell me what the hell happened to his face but apparently I'm not good enough to talk to anymore." He shook his head and feigned being hurt, but I remained mute.

"Well, while I believe he might have gone a bit overboard, Edward did act heroically," Carlisle answered. I averted my gaze from his after he gave me a pointed glance, not wanting to participate in this conversation at all. "One of our employees tried to attack a female patient and Edward stepped in. He essentially saved the girl from any further harm."

"No shit?" Emmett tossed a wadded up napkin at me, which struck me in the nose and I glared. He then muttered a quick, "Sorry, Mrs. C," when Esme cleared her throat and shot him 'the look'. Of course, he wouldn't have been Emmett if he didn't continue by stating, "Ya know what though, bet I could've taken care of things without my face looking like that." He winked and snorted.

"Keep talking, McCarty," I muttered.

A couple hours and a few destroyed pies later, I found myself trying to drown out the somewhat censored outbursts from Emmett watching football. Carlisle observed him with amusement, occasionally throwing concerned glances in my direction, but I tried to ignore that. Grandpa was snoring in the recliner, and Kellan was hooting and hollering along with his 'Uncle Em' while my mother and grandmother wrapped up leftovers in the kitchen. The succubus was set to pick up Kel in approximately twenty minutes, so I instructed him to get ready for his mom.

"Aww, Dad." He was pouting. "I wanna hang out with you guys."

"I know, little man," I countered, trying to keep the distaste for his mother out of my tone. "But, your mom deserves time with you on the holidays, too," I lied. She didn't deserve shit but that was unfortunately something he'd have to learn for himself as he grew. I refused to be the person who put those ideas in my son's head. She was doing just fine in that aspect on her own and it was proven, once again, when she called me at the same exact time she was supposed to have been there. My jaw clenched when I answered and I immediately excused myself to my father's study for privacy.

"I'm running late," she said, sounding out of breath. "Can you just _deal_ with him for another hour?"

I was instantly pissed. "Oh course, you are," I replied sardonically. "And I don't ever have to fucking _deal_ with our son, Rosalie. I cherish my time with him. Another hour would be fine. He wants to be here anyway."

"Oh that's real nice, Edward. What, so my son doesn't want to be with me?" I twisted the knife a little bit, but couldn't help feeling a twinge of guilt and sadness for my little boy. Those feelings quickly turned to monumental anger when I heard a male voice I recognized cooing to her, telling her to hang up; that I wasn't worth it. _What the fuck?_

"Are you fucking kidding me, Rose? After what we talked about?" I yelled. "I'll tell you one thing," I lowered my voice to a threatening tone. "You're a crazy, stupid bitch who's just screwed herself. Did you ask him why he's beat to hell?"

"Huh?" She stuttered, "He—he told me he walked in on you making out with Bella at work. Said you got him fired. Nice work, home wrecker." The last bit hit harder than I wanted it to, but I shrugged it off before I laid into her.

"Oh is that right?" I seethed. "He's a fucking lying piece of shit, Rose. He was trying to attack her. The cameras caught him, and then he tried to fight me. Don't believe me? Ask my father!"

"Doesn't change the fact that you're still fucking with a _married_ woman."

Her sarcasm was sending me over the edge and I gritted my teeth, speaking through then, "You really are an idiot. Good thing our kid took after me. I'll be calling my attorney tomorrow, Rose, don't you worry." She gasped and I smiled wickedly. "Now, get your fucking clothes on and get your _ass_ over here to pick up our _son_!" I hung up and took a few cleansing breaths before joining my family again.

I explained to my boy that his mom would be here soon, then took my father and Emmett to the side and explained what the fuck I was dealing with. My father offered to help me in any way I needed, understanding, finally, the danger that motherfucker posed to my child.

Emmett, on the other hand, clenched his fist and slammed it into his palm forcefully with a familiar gleam in his eye. "You think we need to pay a visit to this James fuck?"

Carlisle shook his head disapprovingly and I had to agree with him. "Not right now, Em. It would only cause more problems for my kid."

Emmett nodded. "Well, anytime, Bro. Just say the word."

When the succubus finally arrived, I avoided conversing with her and hugged my boy tightly, telling him I'd see him in a couple of days. He put his little arms around my neck, squeezing once, and then made his rounds, hugging everyone, including Emmett – who glared at Rose. She shifted her eyes to the floor nervously and when Kel bounced out the door, she walked up to me and placed her hand on my arm. I flinched away and looked at her in shock.

"Don't fucking touch me," I hissed and her brown eyes looked at me apologetically.

"Edward, I'm sorry," she stated, and I tried to keep my jaw from hitting the floor. "I believe you about James and I won't… I won't be seeing him again, I promise. I would never want to put Kellan in a situation with a dangerous man like that."

"You forgot to add that you'd never want me to take your child support away either," I spat, unaffected by her blatant manipulation. She rolled her eyes. _Ah, there she is_.

"Whatever, Edward. Think what you want. I'll see you Sunday at six." She flipped her blonde hair over her shoulder and turned in a huff.

"Five!" I yelled behind her.

"Ugh, fine!" She quipped as she made her way to the door. She turned back and offered my parents a soft apology, then disappeared. _Good riddance_…for now anyway.

XXXX

_***Chapter End Notes: Oh, that silly Rosalie! Always getting herself into trouble with the good doctor. Hmm, something tells me she won't be messing around with one, James Campbell any longer. Docward just might make good on his word. **_

_**Okay, before you freak out on me for not necessarily letting Edward kick the shit out of Jacob just yet (ahem, *dhdirector* lol!) let's remember that the guys didn't know anything about what Jake had done until after they were already long gone from the pub. I promise you, it will happen and it may…or may not have something to do with 'open mic night'…just sayin'! ;-P **_

_**Bella's up next, you won't want to miss it, something's gonna hit the something, which could involve shit and a fan. *snickers*; then we get to see how Edward's Thanksgiving ended up. I doubt you'll want to miss that either! **_

_**Alrighty, you all know what to do. Click that lovely little button below that says "review" for me, it makes me a happy, motivated author! Oh, also, it'll get you the "special" outtake! **_

_**Go and check out The Twilight Awards 'Under the Radar' for some awesome fics that need serious attention! Mwuah, until next time! **_


	42. Chapter 38, Elephant In the Room

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past**

**Chapter 38, "Elephant In the Room" ~ Richard Walters**

Bella POV

_***A/N: Well, I hope I still have some readers out there that have been anxiously awaiting an update to this craziness. Super huge thanks to those of you that are still reading, still reviewing and still rec'ing my little fic out to your friends. As I always say, you need my pen in motion. I know I said that the sh*t would be hitting the fan in this chapter, but Bella got a little long winded, so that will be happening next chapter. You'll be happy to know it's all done and should be posted way sooner than this one was! **_

_***Forsaken IMMP has been nominated on The Shimmer Awards, for the Climax Award (best drama)! Whoever nominated us…wow, thanks! Here's the link, so if you still have time before this weekend want to vote…I would appreciate it!( Shimmerawards . blogspot . com)**_

_**THEsnapcrakklepop and fmneff – you are the best betas around and I am humbled that you support me so much and work so hard to help me not sound so much like an idiot. Thanks from the bottom of my heart. **_

_**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended. All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. All songs are owned by the respective artists, record companies and labels. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and its characters…I do not. **_©2009-2011 WickedCurveBall74/RobsMyEdibleArt, All rights reserved worldwide.

Song Links: Elephant In the Room: www . youtube . com / watch?v=vNKOyWQ5qoA

Already Gone, (Kelly Clarkson): www . youtube . com / watch?v=MFG8OAHn65c

XXXX

"_Calling you to wait; shouting in my car that's stalled outside, and it's pure coincidence I'm sure;_

_Falling from my mouth, secondary doubts I've found myself in,_

_Can't seem to look you in the eye;_

_And I hope you can see, I'm more than this, this heap at your feet,_

_Who are you to judge me? Who are you to preach?_

_Control has slipped away from me again; _

_How heavy are these words? They're heavier than air,_

_That rushes past your face as you drive away from me again;_

_How heavy are these hands? They're heavier than blood,_

_That rushes to my head as you walk away from me again;_

_Forcing you to speak; snapping out my voice seems smaller now it's only whispering out my life;_

_Paper cuts in time; I insist you keep these letters here,_

_And read them over if you can;_

_And I hope you can see, I'm more than this, this heap at your feet,_

_Who are you to judge me? Who are you to preach?_

_Control has slipped away from me again;_

_How heavy are these words? They're heavier than air,_

_That rushes past your face as you drive away from me again;_

_How heavy are these hands? They're heavier than blood,_

_That rushes to my head as you walk away from me again;_

_How heavy are these words? They're heavier than air,_

_That rushes past your face as you drive away from me again;_

_How heavy are these words? Heavier than time,_

_That rushes past your face as you would turn to walk away again."_

XXXX

There I stood in the kitchen, on yet another Thanksgiving Day, doing what I always did. I was working my fingers to the bone trying to get as much of the feast together as possible so that when we got to Charlie's, all I'd have to do would be throw some things in the oven to heat up. I had the turkey stuffed and ready to go. That would be the only thing that actually needed to be cooked and I was banking on having a few hours to get it done once we'd gotten over there. Everything else was done.

I currently had dozens of sugar cookies baking, but yet to be iced. According to my spoiled children, as well as everyone else in the family, they _had_ to be iced. So that was what I did. This was actually the only thing I allowed the kids to help with. It had become our little tradition.

Today, however, apparently Jacob had taken it upon himself to keep them occupied playing and it was pissing me off. With each little giggle and squeal of "_Daddy!_" I became more and more annoyed. I knew there were darker reasons behind my irritation and I didn't necessarily expect any more from him, but he could've at least respected the fact that I was on a time crunch. I definitely didn't expect him to lift a finger to cook – despite the fact that I was down one full functioning hand – but again, he could've at least asked if I needed help for the past three and a half hours I'd been at it.

I didn't even know why I let it get to me anymore. This was Jacob. The same Jacob who'd been eating a pleasant dinner with his _girlfriend_, also known as my children's _teacher_, Vanessa Wolfe. It made me sick but, to be honest, I wasn't much better off in the cheating spouse department. I guess I should've felt more guilty about it than I did because a part of me still loved Jake, would always love Jake, but I couldn't take it anymore. The phone call I'd received from Edward the weekend before completely changed my thinking. I was going to end this farce of a marriage sooner than planned. I didn't think I could handle putting on a brave face and pretending we were a happy couple for one more holiday.

Today was going to be hard enough because we weren't happy…at all. We were as far from a happy couple as we could get. We were a broken couple and there was no going back now. Jacob wouldn't be willing to fix any problems. It was painfully obvious to me that he didn't see the problems. He thought everything was fine. He thought he was perfect. Too many things that couldn't be fixed and I had to stop this.

I always knew it would end up being me. That _I_ would be the one to blame; I would be the bad guy. I was prepared for that. My children would survive; I would survive. I just hoped that Jacob would survive. That he would be able to see that I couldn't be happy with him and just let me go. I would never try to make him leave his children or take them away from him. I didn't play that card. I just desperately needed things to go smoothly. I had a terrible feeling, however, that _smooth_ was not in my near future, if ever.

This Thanksgiving was going to be hell.

I could feel it, that prickling anxiety that wouldn't leave me alone. For one thing, my mood was infinitely foul for obvious reasons. As if Jake's behavior toward me wasn't bad enough, Edward's confession to me that he saw Jake with Vanessa and that he'd 'gone the fuck off on him' – per Edward's own words; Lord only knew what had been said between them – had sent me further into darkness. I guess I should've been thankful there was no bloodshed.

Regardless, Jake knew that Edward knew, and I'd be a fucking idiot if I thought that the guys didn't know every single detail of what Jake had done to me…what Edward and I had done together. _God_, it was all so fucked. I might as well have put up a damned billboard sign showing all the skeletons in my closet.

Early in the week, my mood took another blow when I'd finally worked up the courage to call the attorney I was interested in using, Maggie O'Leary. I was so overwhelmingly nervous. I felt like I was doing something wrong. I felt like I was giving up and I began to hear Jacob's voice in my head laying guilt trip after guilt trip on me. I knew it was just my nerves making me conjure up these visions of how poorly he was going to handle it, but I also knew that my nerves, my gut feelings, were usually spot-on.

Maybe my mom was right. Maybe I did have some sort of a gift. Or, maybe I just knew my husband and his need to make himself out as the hero and me, in turn, the villain.

My stomach was churning so badly while I waited for Maggie to answer her phone that I almost lost what little nourishment I managed to choke down that day.

I'd known of Maggie O'Leary since I was a kid. She was the attorney my parents had mutually used during their divorce. As strange as it seemed, my parents both spoke highly of Maggie. She managed to keep them both in line during that time and ended up keeping their divorce as amicable as possible. From what I'd gathered from my dad at the time, she was a no-nonsense lawyer, with a fiery Irish temperament; and again, according to Charlie, didn't buy the shit either of them tried to sell her.

It stunned me, not at the time but now, how attentive I was about what was going on back then and that scared me a little bit with my own children. Of course, I was a preteen at the time and my babies were merely almost six, but I knew that children were much more aware than they let on. I actually remembered my dad at one point describing Maggie as a 'goddamned human lie detector'. I was fairly certain that was why he liked her so much. With him being a cop and all that, Charlie preferred strong-willed, honest people.

I shuddered briefly at the thought of Charlie and what his reaction would be to my decision, but put it quickly out of my mind and focused again on Jacob's lies and all around bad behavior. I figured that, in _that_ aspect, Maggie would be a great asset to me.

When she finally came on the line and I explained to her who I was, I had to abruptly pull the phone from my ear to shield my eardrum from her squeal of delight.

"Charlie Swan's girl? Isabella!" she nearly shouted. She quickly asked how my dad was doing and if he ever found a woman crazy enough to put up with him, to which I laughed. Although I found it strange for that to be the first thing out of her mouth especially to someone that was almost a perfect stranger to her, I was overcome by the genuinely upbeat tone of her voice and responded immediately.

"Absolutely not."

She laughed loudly and replied that she wasn't surprised in the least. She went on to ask about my mom and mentioned she saw some of Alice's work in some silly fashion magazine – as she put it – that her receptionist brought into the office. But then she confessed that she bought one of the hand bags from Alice's line, appropriately named _Pixie Swan_. Finally, she asked about me and I hesitated, saying I was _okay_ before proceeding to talk about my job and my twins.

"Oh my God!" she exclaimed. "You're Isabella Black from the Tribune. Wow, old Charlie's got to be proud of his girls. I guess I should've known at least one of you would be married by now. I just didn't think Alice was. The article listed her as 'Alice Swan' but I suppose I shouldn't assume anything in my line of work." She chuckled.

"She's not," I replied quickly. "But I am. That's…kind of why I'm calling you." I was suddenly very uncomfortable, the anxiety bubbled in my stomach again.

"Uh-oh," she said, a little too upbeat for my mood. "Trouble in paradise?"

I told myself she probably wasn't meaning to be so crass about a failing marriage, but I mean, she did this for a living…probably heard this shit a hundred times a day. Apparently she noticed my hesitation because she quickly apologized for being so obtuse and I replied that it was fine, that it hadn't been paradise for a really long time and I'd essentially had enough. I went on to tell her how I'd feel much more comfortable talking to her and giving her all the gory details face to face rather than on the phone where I could be snuck up on without my knowing. I also told her that I wanted to see her as soon as possible. I needed to get this shit over with. I knew that once Jake got wind of this, he would drag it out for God only knew how long just because he could. Because he would think there was a chance for us and I guess he thought if he tortured me long enough, I'd cave.

Not this time. Our chance had come and gone. I was more than done. I was already gone.

I was upset when she informed me that she'd be out all week for the holiday, so next week was the earliest I could meet with her. I had to take it, I had no choice. I felt like I was going to lose my mind waiting for so long, but that was Monday and it was now Thursday. I had survived so far and I could continue for a few more days. I could get through the next few days of waiting to find out how I could get out of this godforsaken marriage without looking like a monster – that is, if everyone would just cooperate.

My sister was going to need to be reigned in, that much I knew. She'd been making snide comments to me all week and beyond about my 'jackass of a husband' as she put it, and was pissed that she was even going to have to look at his face, let alone sit at a table and eat with him in a civil manner.

"I'm not even going to have a fucking appetite once I see him," she complained. I replied to her that I really needed her to be grown up about this…for the _kids_, I'd stressed. "Whatever," she balked, which disturbed me. I hated it when she was angry and bitter. It didn't suit my big sister as she was normally perpetually happy and chipper. "I know I'm just going to want to punch him right in his smug face," she'd continued.

"I would advise against that, Al," I replied to her, trying unsuccessfully to make a joke. "I have a cast on my hand thanks to my temper toward him. Definitely not a good idea." Unfortunately that only served to fuel her hatred. I was just hoping I wouldn't have to referee during dinner because I just wasn't up for it.

Alice also wasn't shy in expressing her opinion on my temporary housekeeper. In her typical 'Alice' fashion, she proceeded to tell me how much of a bad idea she thought it was, _especially_ since she'd been suggested by Jacob himself. She had gone on so much about how I better 'keep an eye on that girl' and 'knowing Jacob, they were probably fucking'. After hearing that, I had to admit, I started to get a little paranoid.

Leah's strange behavior around us continued – particularly around Jacob. I started noticing things I hadn't noticed before. I noticed how her eyes would linger on Jake briefly when she didn't know I was watching and what I used to chalk up to distain for her son's father turned into blatant suspicion. Of course, I couldn't be sure of anything anymore and I felt like my sister was literally driving me insane. I made the mistake of asking Leah what her plans were for Thanksgiving in front of Jake. She replied that it was just her and her dad – and Boo-Boo, of course – and since her brother was out of the country on active duty, they never really did anything. I did feel bad for her, but didn't expect Jacob to have the audacity to invite her to our family dinner.

She declined at first, but Jacob sold it to her. He turned on the charm and she eventually relented. I hated that he was so fucking good at selling. He insisted that she bring her father, Harry I believe was his name. That was just _fantastic_ because not only did I have more people to feed, I was going to have to put on the _everything's perfect_ act for more people than I had anticipated.

_My God_, my sister had a hay-day with that one. She was utterly convinced that there had to be something going on if he'd gone so far as to invite her.

Yeah, like I said, it was going to be an excruciating Thanksgiving.

XXXX

I heard familiar stomping down the stairs and turned around as it stopped in the kitchen. My little girl was standing there with her arms crossed in front of her, brow furrowed, and her mouth drawn into an adorable pout.

"Hey baby girl," I said in the sweetest tone I could muster. "What's the matter?"

"Daddy said I have to stop playing airplane to help with the big dinner and Robby called me a dummy," she whined, her voice quivering and on the verge of tears. A fit was looming and if Jake would've just gotten them dressed instead of playing games, as _damned_ usual, we wouldn't be having this problem that I now apparently had to rectify. I had to get my child in a better mood regardless of my piss-poor one because I really couldn't deal with any more shit today.

"Aw, come here and give Mommy some sugar," I cooed at her, trying to sooth her a bit. She walked to me slowly with her bottom lip protruding, definitely milking it, and wrapped her little arms around my hips. I squeezed her back and bent down, placing a chaste kiss on the top of her head. "There, you got some sugar too," I said and she giggled. I bent down to her eye level and said, "Now, you want some _real_ sugar?"

She smiled and nodded her head excitedly. "Sugar! Yum!" she exclaimed.

"Okay," I began, pulling a chair up next to me at the counter. "But try to get some of the icing on the cookies. We want them to be pretty, right?" She nodded and took the spatula I handed to her. She eyed it with delight before darting her tongue out quickly, then licking it. I quirked an eyebrow at her and she smiled sheepishly, knowing she was supposed to wait until we were done.

A few minutes later, my little man came bouncing into the kitchen, announcing his presence with airplane and machine gun sound effects. He stopped abruptly, loudly squealing "cookies!" before grabbing a chair of his own and dragging it across the floor to join his twin sister and me.

"Excuse me, young man," I said sternly, stopping him in his tracks. He eyed me warily before I continued. "What's this I hear about you calling your sister a dummy?"

He pulled his bottom lip into his mouth and chewed on it nervously – my signature move – and I had to stifle a smile as he looked too damned cute when he realized he was busted. "I'm sorry, Mommy," he said finally. "I didn't mean to." His little mouth turned down into a pouty frown, nearly breaking my heart, but I held it together and sighed.

"You know that's not nice, Robert William, and I think you need to be apologizing to your sister. Right now." I glanced over at Krissy, who was bringing the spatula, with a huge glob of icing on it, to her outstretched tongue again. "Kristen Renee!" I scolded her.

She stopped mid-lick and the blob dropped from the spatula, splattering on the floor in front of her after bouncing off her pj shirt and leaving a stain of brown and red. "Oops," she mumbled, looking at me with wide eyes.

At the same time I was distracted from getting on to him, Robby was whining in the background. "But, I did already! Dad said I needed to apolo…apolo…say sorry and I said sorry!"

I was a little shocked to hear that Jacob actually took it upon himself to be a parent, but didn't answer my son because I was too distracted by the irritating mess created by my beautiful, disobedient daughter. "Ugh!" I grumbled as I grabbed the dish cloth and wet it before kneeling down to wipe up the icing-laden floor. "Damn it," I said under my breath, frustration from everything getting the best of me. As I was wiping up the mess and continued to grumble to myself, I suddenly felt small hands cup my cheeks. I gasped at the contact; not realizing my daughter moved her chair over and had bent down to face me. I looked up and my eyes met her huge, deep chocolate gaze, laced with sadness and remorse.

"I'm sorry, Mommy. Can I help you clean?" she said, her voice almost a whisper.

My eyes instantly filled with tears as my emotions were all over the goddamned place, and I covered her little right hand with my left. "No, baby," I nearly choked on my words, and her brow furrowed in concern for me. "Mommy's just tired. I'm sorry for yelling."

She smiled sweetly and her dark brown eyes sparkled. "It's okay." She shrugged. "I made a mess. Me and Robby drive you crazy sometimes. Sometimes we make you say bad words, like you said the _D_-word just now," she whispered the last sentence and I busted into a fit of giggles, wiping my eyes quickly before unwanted tears escaped. I looked over at Robby, who had his arms crossed over his chest and a pout just as adorable as his sister's donning his lips. I smiled at him and smirked.

"Come here, you," I said playfully. He sauntered over to me, still rigid and pissy since I told him to apologize after his father already had. _Again, amazing_.

"Humph," he responded when I wrapped my left arm around his small waist.

"Are you too much of a big boy to help your mommy and sister with icing some cookies to take to Grandpa's?"

His eyes widened and his mouth began to fight against the pout he was trying so hard to keep in place. Finally, the grin won out but he stubbornly continued to try and fight it. "Can I lick the spoon too?" he asked cautiously and I nodded, noting the flash of excitement in his milk chocolate eyes. They darkened, however, as I reminded him of the rules.

"But not until you're all done icing the cookies."

"But, Mommy," he whined. "_She_ got to do—"

"Robert," I said pointedly, cutting him off.

He hung his head, defeated and sighed. "Okay," he mumbled.

Once I got them both settled at the counter and had them busy, I pulled the last batch out of the oven and began to move them from the cookie sheet to cool. I felt as if I was being watched and turned my head slightly to see Jacob leaning against the doorway, arms crossed, gazing at me. I furrowed my brow and scowled at him, annoyance once again getting the best of me. I caught his brow furrowing as well at my blatant display of aggravation toward him before I turned back around to ignore him. I continued to feel his eyes bearing into the back of me until I heard him shuffle and mutter a quiet "Black." It pissed me off that he was answering a business call. I knew that was how he answered his phone for business. I mean, what the fuck else had he done today besides bathe and dress himself _and_ play with the kids? Typical he would involve business on a fucking holiday.

I looked back at him, his eyes widening slightly, and rolled my eyes before I turned back around to face the counter again. Seconds later, I heard him exit the room and then heard the basement door shut. That was strange. He normally didn't need to isolate himself in order to talk business, unless…

My mind began to wander frantically. Vanessa. It had to be her or some other piece of ass he had on the side. _Hypocrite!_ I berated myself. I hadn't a leg to stand on, on the subject of extracurricular sex lives, but I didn't do it blatantly in front of the whole world, and I didn't take calls from Edward when my family was right in front of me. _Jesus_, who knew how many girls he was currently with, or had been with for that matter? It was a miracle he'd never given me some sort of venereal disease. Guilt no longer plagued my mind when it came to Jacob. He knew I didn't want him to touch me, didn't even want him sleeping in the same bed as I was for that matter, so if he felt like he needed to get off regularly – and knowing Jacob, he did – from some other woman, then so be it. I no longer gave a shit.

Moments later, I heard his footsteps approaching and tried to ignore them. I could feel him moving closer and closer to us and my skin began to crawl. It seemed that lately, it was my natural reaction to him.

We finished icing the last of the cookies and the kids were licking the spoons clean – something I usually regretted letting them do when they were bouncing off the walls a few hours later – so I leaned down to them and spoke quietly. "Robby, Krissy, thank you for helping, but I need you to go and get dressed please." They both shot me an irritated glare as there were still traces of icing that they apparently thought they needed to eliminate, but I didn't falter. "Go," I stated. They pouted and grumbled as they climbed down from their chairs and scurried off to their rooms.

I knew I'd have to go in and help them, but I already had their clothes laid out and they could do the basics until I got there. I just needed to get them out of the room so that they wouldn't see or hear the indignation I had for their father as I knew he was going to try and talk to me. I could hear him getting closer to me, mumbling something about how the cookies looked delicious. I tried to ignore him, busying myself with putting the cookies in containers to take along.

When I felt his giant arms circle around my body and his hands come to rest on my stomach, I tried not to react, but it seemed that every muscle in my body tensed involuntarily. He must have noticed my reaction and sighed in response.

"Hey Bells, you okay?" he asked quietly. I didn't respond. I'd barely said two words to him in I wasn't even sure how long. He sighed again, leaning his head down, his lips nearly touching my ear. "I wish you would talk to me," he whispered. I felt a pang of guilt for being so cold, but I continued to ignore him, my stance rigid and on guard. "I miss this." He squeezed me slightly and kissed the nape of my neck, causing me to cringe. "I miss you."

I broke my silence finally and responded. "I'm fine," I said flatly, trying to keep my emotions at bay.

"Clearly you're not," he retorted. "You won't even talk to me or let me touch you. I mean, you're tense right now. When are we going to talk about this, Bells?"

I sighed and shrugged out of his embrace, turning to look at him. His eyes implored me to say something to comfort him, but I couldn't get myself to feel anything for him but contempt. "I said I'm fine and…" I hesitated, closing my eyes. "I've got nothing else to say to you." I was trying to keep my voice down, but my words struck a nerve with him and he raised his slightly.

"Oh, that's just _great_, Bella. So what? So we're going to just stay in this, in this state of nothingness with you giving me the cold shoulder forever? I can't take it anymore."

My anger flared at the fact that he was, once again, pushing this off on me. He never ceased trying to throw a guilt trip on me every chance he got, but I contained myself from lashing out at him. Instead, I pursed my lips and flared my nostrils. "No, definitely _not_ forever," I hissed.

"What the hell is _that_ supposed to mean?" He raised his eyebrows at me expecting an answer, but I just stared at him. If the dumbass thought about it long enough, he'd know exactly what I was talking about. "Well, _I'm_ not going anywhere and _you're_ not going anywhere," he said uncertainly after studying my face for a moment, "but I'm tired of feeling like your goddamned roommate!"

I rolled my eyes at him blatantly, which probably wasn't the smartest move given our close proximity and the fact that he could hurt me without breaking a sweat. My self preservation was waning however, and I didn't care. I showed my disgust for him _to_ him without thinking about it.

He growled under his breath and clenched his jaw so tightly, I thought it might crack. "Nice reaction," he spat. "Roll your eyes. You're good at that." I had a sinking feeling that this was only going to boil over if I didn't do something to amend it, but I couldn't just walk away at that point. He had me cornered – literally – against the cabinets.

"I…need to take a bath, Jake," I said as calmly as I could and looked away from him. He sighed and pulled away from me just in time for Krissy to come skipping into the kitchen, her clothes looked disheveled and her tights definitely not put on correctly.

"Mommy!" she squealed. "My hair is _un-cooperating_!"

I glanced at Jake and he dropped his head in defeat, turning to look at his daughter with a sad smile. "Princess, you look beautiful," he said as he gazed at her. It would've been heartbreaking to me, had I not thought it was yet another ploy to make me feel guilty.

She smiled at him and tilted her head to the side. "I know, but I'm a _fairy_ princess, Daddy," she corrected him and we actually both laughed at that. I could feel his gaze on me but avoided it as I addressed her.

"Okay, baby girl. Go ahead; I'll be there in a minute when I finish packing up the cookies. We need to start with your clothes first, though," I said playfully as I scanned her with my eyes.

"Nooooo!" she sang as she turned and skipped out of the room. "My close are jus' fine!"

I caught Jake's eye accidently as I turned around. He had his brow furrowed, his lips turned down into a pathetic frown. He turned toward me as I brushed past him. "You know, I'm trying here, Bells. I just wish you would—"

"Jake, just stop…please," I said quickly, cutting him off and throwing my hands in the air. He wasn't going to reel me in, to _con_ me the way he conned me all those years ago. I couldn't let him, not anymore. The love I thought he had for me, what I thought _I_ had for him was false and it had been from the beginning. I knew that now. I wouldn't forget it. He wasn't _trying_. He was a fucking liar. If he had been even pretending to try, he would not have been having dinner with Vanessa fucking Wolfe for the entire world to see. I wasn't trying either. I didn't love him anymore and as hard of a pill that was to swallow – ten years of lies – it was over. I wasn't playing victim to his lies and games. I knew our time was running out. I just had to make sure it happened. I couldn't let myself get lost in his big, sad, brown eyes and get sucked back into it.

"I'm going to make sure the kids are dressed and ready. Then I'm going to take a bath," I muttered as he looked at me incredulously. "Can you at least make sure the food gets into the car eventually?" I turned to walk out of the kitchen when his rancid tone stopped me.

"Oh sure, no problem. I can't wait to spend all day with your bitch of a sister."

I turned abruptly, my anger gripping me fiercely as I lashed out at him. "_What_ did you just say?"

"You heard me," he spat. "She's the reason you won't talk to me. I'm sure she has been planting that seed for a while now. Ever since…" he trailed off, grabbing the back of his head angrily.

"Are you fucking kidding me, Jake?" I hissed, still trying to keep my voice down, trying to keep control. "Do you even _hear_ yourself? Look in the mirror. _That's_ the reason I don't want to talk to you, Jake. I don't need to be convinced by anyone, what you've already proven over and over."

"Oh really, and what's that?" he snarled. I hesitated because I just wanted the argument to end. I just needed to get through the day.

"Nothing, Jake, just…I'm going to get ready. Don't ever call my sister a bitch again or I'll cut your dick off," I muttered under my breath as I turned to walk away. He must have heard me, though, as he responded almost instantly.

"Ha!" he chuckled humorlessly. "You might as well do that anyway. It's not like it's being put to good use lately."

I stopped abruptly and turned to look at him quizzically. It was almost amusing how stupid he thought I was, but I met his scowl with one of my own as I questioned him. "Oh really, Jake? Who was on the phone?"

He raised his eyebrows as my question sunk in and a look of shock played across his features. "What?" he asked, feigning ignorance.

"Your phone call, Jake. Who called you?" I narrowed my eyes in annoyance because he knew exactly what I was fucking talking about.

He began to stammer. "That was, uh, that was Jared. Work stuff, Bells. I have to…I have to, uh, go out of town this weekend."

"Right, Jake. I bet it was. And what do you mean? Where are you going and when are you leaving?" I was getting irate. So fucking typical he'd be going out of town…again.

His face blanched briefly, but he recovered. "Well, I can't help it that I have a demanding _job_, Bella. And I'm leaving tonight. Redeye."

"Oh, that's just perfect, Jake! Happy Thanksgiving to us! Are you taking your fucking girlfriend with you? Tell _Vanessa_ I said hi." His eyes flashed with rage and he took a step toward me. I took a step back, realizing I probably should've kept my mouth shut, and steeled myself to either take whatever it was he unleashed, or run.

"Oh please. You're such a hypocrite, Bella! You think I don't know what _you're_ doing? You think I don't know that you still talking to…to _him_?" he spat. I just stared at him. He was right, but I didn't want to give him the satisfaction and I certainly didn't want to get into this with him. Not now, not today.

Yeah, I should've kept my big mouth shut.

I turned without another word and made my way up the stairs and away from him.

XXXX

On the way to Charlie's, the twins were in the back seat of Jake's truck, chattering in their usual way – Robby making sound effects with his toy airplanes and Krissy humming songs from The Little Mermaid with her Ariel doll. My mind was infiltrated with thoughts of Edward. As much as I wanted to think of him, resentment clouded my thoughts and it felt like a curse as I sat next there next to Jacob. My attention was suddenly diverted to a song that had come on the radio. It was one I'd heard a million times and it wasn't necessarily one of my favorites, but today it held my attention as the lyrics echoed through my head.

"_Remember all the things we wanted. Now all our memories, they're haunted. We were always meant to say goodbye. Even with our fists held high, it never would've worked out right. We were never meant for do or die. I didn't want us to burn out. I didn't come here to hurt you, now I can't stop. I want you to know that it doesn't matter where we take this road, someone's got to go. And I want you to know, you couldn't have loved me better, but I want you to move on, so I'm already gone…"_

The song was abruptly cut off as Jake pressed a random button to change the station. I had been singing along quietly to myself and was frankly annoyed that he'd cut me off in the process. I shot him a glare before reaching over and turning the song back on.

"What the hell?" He was looking at me incredulously, as if I just committed a cardinal sin, but I simply shrugged.

"I like this song," I replied nonchalantly. His only reply was to scoff as he reached up once again, switching the radio to another station with some obnoxious, screaming rock song. _Yeah, Jake. Real appropriate for our five-year-olds. _I glared at him again and he turned to look at me, his expression smug. "Nice," I said tersely.

He scoffed again. "Well, if I'm not mistaken, this is my truck, Bells. If we were in your car, we could listen to whatever ignorant song you saw fit, now couldn't we?" I didn't respond, only spent the rest of the drive staring out the window, trying to reign in my petulance.

"There's my favorite grand-kiddos!" Charlie announced as he sauntered out the front door to help take food in. I rolled my eyes and smiled as they both squealed at the sight of him. They were both yielding a large bag of dozens of cookies and Krissy held hers up to him adoringly.

"Grandpa, we brought cookies!" she sang as she twirled her way over to him. He picked her up and smacked a kiss right on her cheek as she giggled and squirmed.

"Grandpa, look at mine!" Robby called out. I shook my head and chuckled. Always a competition with those two. Charlie bent down and wrapped his free arm around little Robby with a laugh.

"Well, they all look just great. You think your mom would let us eat these first?" The kids squealed in delight as Charlie glanced at me and winked.

I narrowed my eyes at him playfully and groaned. "Dad!" He held his hands up in surrender, chuckling.

"Alright, alright, turkey first then. How's my favorite daughter anyway?" he said as he made his way toward me and captured me in an awkward, one-armed hug.

"You better not let your other daughter hear you say that," I said sardonically in response. "She just might have your head for that, Chief."

He laughed. "Don't I know it."

"Speaking of your other daughter, is she here yet?"

He eyed me cautiously before responding. "Yeah, she's…uh…she's in the kitchen."

"Okay," I said, quirking an eyebrow at him, and turned to make my way to the house.

"Uh, Bells, I'm not sure it's such a good idea to go in the kitchen right now. She's…having issues."

I rolled my eyes again. "Well, someone's got to salvage what she's destroyed," I muttered. "Looks like it gets to be me." I grabbed the dish of green bean casserole, leaving the rest for the guys to bring in, and headed toward the door.

"Don't say I didn't warn ya," Charlie teased behind me. I ignored him and tried to tune out the cheerful greeting he gave Jake.

Once inside the house, I greeted Billy, who was sitting in the living room in his wheelchair watching football. Charlie had picked him up for us knowing that we had a ton of stuff to bring. I heard whispering in the kitchen and smelled what I could only describe as burnt sugar. I growled under my breath. The one thing she was responsible for…the one thing she _insisted_ she wanted to do. _It's just pie, Bella, we can survive without it._ I tried to calm myself as I took another step toward the kitchen, but before I could walk through the door, the twins both came out and blocked it…both of them looking strangely mischievous.

Alice. I should've known.

"Hi, babies," I said sweetly. "Mommy needs to get in the kitchen, so…"

"Um," Krissy started softly, then proceeded into her melodramatics. "Auntie Alice is _very_ busy…um, in there." I could see it on her little face. She was covering for her – about as well as a five-year-old could. I turned to Robby and quirked an eyebrow sharply at him. He understood this look, well. His eyes became as wide as saucers. I didn't even have to say another word before he began to spill the beans.

"She said she would pay us five dollars each to keep you out of there until she fixed the pies," he said quickly, then slapped his hand over his mouth. I stifled a laugh. Typical that my sister would use my innocent children to deflect me from the obvious catastrophe that waited behind the door. _She must think I'm a complete moron._

"Oh, I can assure you that Auntie Alice will pay up. Now move it, you two." They scattered quickly and I traipsed into the kitchen with the giant dish in tow.

Alice had her back to me, feverishly working on something and quietly cursing under her breath. She didn't see me come up behind her. "You owe my kids ten bucks," I said as I set the dish on the counter.

She yelped and whipped around quickly. "Oh you're here," she said with a nervous chuckle, clutching onto a spatula.

"Mm-hmm." I nodded, leaning against the counter with a smirk. "So, how did the pies turn out?"

Her face blanched slightly and she opened her mouth, then closed it before opening it and finally answering me. "F—fine," she stammered. She was blocking something on the counter, just out of my view.

"That's not what _I_ heard," I quipped, taking a step toward her. "What's behind you?"

"Nothing!" She held the spatula up in defense, pointing it at me like it was a weapon. "Don't come any closer!"

I laughed loudly. "Oh yeah? And what are you gonna do, _stir_ me to death, Al?"

"Wait a minute," she said, wrinkling her nose and gesturing the spatula up and down at me. "What the hell are you wearing?"

_I swear to God, this girl could turn anything into a fashion dilemma she needs to fix._ She was trying to deflect again and it didn't work. Of course, she was looking ever-so-fabulous in her mid-thigh length sweater, cinched that the waist with a wide belt, leggings and knee-high riding boots. Apparently, my thick – what else – turtle neck, jeans and Uggs weren't high-fashion enough, in her opinion, for a family meal. _Whatever_. It wasn't important to me.

"Stop trying to change the subject, Alice. What's with the pies?" I raised my eyebrows, waiting for a reply. She stared at me with a furrowed brow. Just as she seemed about to answer, Charlie and Jake trailed into the kitchen, their arms loaded with the bags that included most of our dinner. After placing the bags on the counter, Charlie glanced between Alice and me and shook his head.

"Okay then," he said cautiously. "I'm gonna go…have a beer…or two."

"Pop!" Alice squealed as he turned toward the door. "I could use some back up here!"

"No way, Ali, this one's all yours," he hollered back, chuckling. I turned back to her and quirked an eyebrow, grinning wickedly. She rolled her eyes and caught sight of Jake, sitting the last of the bags on the counter. She glared and I felt my skin prickle with goose bumps.

"Alice." He nodded once to her in acknowledgement, stone-faced.

She crossed her arms in front of her and cocked her head to the side, still glaring. "Jackass," she replied condescendingly. Luckily, Jake's only response was to furrow his brow and glare back at her before turning and nearly stomping out of the kitchen. "Ugh!" she said, rolling her eyes again. "Why did you bring him? He's not welcome."

"Alice, please, can we just _try_ to have a decent Thanksgiving. We're having guests this year, so could you at least try to refrain from starting a brawl with my husband?"

She let out an exasperated sigh and mumbled something under her breath that sounded like "cut his balls off," before turning to face my own glare with wide eyes. "Fine!" she huffed.

"Okay fine, now what's up with the pies?" I motioned behind her.

She held the spatula back up to ward me off. "Nothing. I can…handle this."

"Mary Alice, I don't have time for this shit! I still have to cook the turkey. It's two o'clock right now and dinner is at six. You understand that means I need at least three of those hours for the turkey alone. Now, tell me what the _hell_ is wrong with the pies!" She stared at me in shock briefly before dropping her arm – the one holding the spatula – to her side in defeat.

"Well _jeez_, you didn't have to go all _Mom_ on me!" She puckered her bottom lip into a pout and furrowed her brow. "But…I think I've ruined them!" she whined. She was reminding me of my five-year-old daughter and was dangerously close to making me snap for real. I motioned for her to move out of my way and prepared for the worst. I moved the aluminum foil she had haphazardly laying over the pies and snorted at what I saw. At least they were salvageable.

First of all, the pumpkin pie wasn't even done – easy fix. I preheated the oven and tossed it in when it was ready. "See, I knew I should've just bought the fucking things," Alice whined.

"Oh, shut it, Al. These are fine. I can totally fix these." The meringue on both the lemon and the chocolate pies was definitely burnt, but I simply scraped the thin blackened layer off the top and, when the pumpkin pie was done, I set the oven on low broil to bring the meringue to a golden brown.

"I'm sorry I suck so badly at this," Alice said quietly after the pies were redeemed and the turkey was baking.

"Aw, it's okay, sister." I gave her a warm hug. "You just stick to designing beautiful things. Speaking of which, my attorney," I whispered, "Maggie O'Leary, told me to tell you that she bought one of your purses or whatever."

"Oh my God!" she mouthed silently. "You talked to an attorney?" She was whispering now and I looked around us nervously before nodding.

"Wait, Maggie O'Leary? Isn't she the same one…" I nodded again to answer her. "Oh, she's good," she murmured in approval, completely disregarding the purse comment. "And I think Dad had a crush on her!"

"Please, Al, that was a long time ago," I scoffed.

"Well you know what they say…when one door closes, the window gets open…or some shit like that." She wiggled her eyebrows.

"Oh my God, Alice, I am _not_ trying to play match maker with my father and my attorney!" I slapped my hand over my mouth quickly, as I'd said that a little too loudly for comfort. We both froze momentarily until we heard cheers and boos coming from the living room – clearly Jake and Charlie were oblivious to our chatter in the kitchen. I went on to quietly tell my sister what the attorney had said, which wasn't much, and she was busting at the seams to go with me to my initial meeting, incriminating pictures in hand. I calmed her down and told her just to hold on to them for me, which she whole-heartedly agreed to do.

While we heated and finished up the remaining food items: mashed potatoes, gravy, candied yams, rolls, salad, cranberry sauce and, of course the green bean casserole, Alice brought up the nauseating subject of our guests that would be here all too soon. I was pissed that I let her get me so paranoid about the whole situation, but she was unwavering in her opinion of things. I tried not to let it get to me further. I had enough problems as it was and besides, Charlie seemed excited about the extra place settings at the table.

Unbeknownst to me, apparently he and Leah's father, Harry Clearwater, were old friends. Fishing buddies as he put it, and he was looking forward to catching up. _Oh, the world couldn't get any smaller, could it?_

Alice and I were still in the kitchen when the doorbell chimed. We had been chatting for hours as we finished everything up, finally sitting the large dishes of food out on the counter, pot-luck style. My dad's table was barely big enough for four people, let alone eight adults and three kids, so, much to Alice's dismay, we improvised by bringing in a couple of card tables from the garage. I tried not to laugh at her when she was scrubbing them clean, bitching the entire time that "if any place was fucking open," she'd just go and buy a table. Of course, in true Alice style, she found some old material in the chest my mother never took with her, and concocted a beautiful table cloth. My sister truly was talented, I couldn't deny that fact.

Because Charlie's kitchen was so small, the tables practically took up the entire room, but regardless of the tight fit, and thanks to my sister, it ended up looking quite presentable. Slightly out of place, but nice. The twins were proud of themselves for helping although they initially weren't happy about me enlisting them to set the table. They screeched like little maniacs when the Clearwater's arrived, and ran into the living room. I heard Charlie, Jake and Billy greeting them warmly as well as the twins chanting "Boo-Boo!" over and over again, probably scaring the hell out of the poor kid. I felt kind of bad about staying in the kitchen and not going to greet them, however I couldn't possibly trust Alice to keep the gravy from scorching, so there I stayed…stirring away with Alice keeping me company.

"Come and meet our mommy," I heard Krissy say in her _I can get whatever I want with this_ – voice, as well as Leah asking where the kitchen was. Alice gave me a pointed glance.

"Be nice," I whispered as I heard them approach and she gave me a sarcastic smile.

"Scout's honor," she whispered back. I rolled my eyes.

"Hi, Bella." I jumped slightly and turned around to see Leah standing there, a dish in her hands and a small boy clinging to her leg, hiding behind her.

"Oh hey, Leah, I'm glad you guys could make it."

She looked between Alice and me warily, and held out the dish to me. "I…wasn't sure what to make, but my dad's not the biggest turkey fan, so…I baked a ham and sliced it."

"Oh, well thank you," I said graciously, taking the dish from her and sitting in on the counter. "You didn't have to do that, but I'm glad you did. I should've asked what everyone liked to eat."

She shook her head. "Please, it was no bother," she said with a shy smile.

Alice cleared her throat and looked at me expectantly. "Oh! Um, Leah, this is my sister, Alice. Alice…Leah."

"It's so nice to meet you," Alice offered as she extended her hand. Leah looked a little hesitant before extending her hand as shaking Alice's tentatively.

An awkward silence ensued momentarily until I realized that her little boy was still attached to her pant-leg. I bent down to his level as he peeked one eye out from behind her. "You must be Seth," I said quietly. He nodded, still shielded behind Leah, and I chuckled.

"Boo-Boo," he said, though it was slightly muffled by his mom's jeans.

"Well, Boo-Boo, I'm Bella and that's Alice." I pointed up to her and watched his eyes dart her way, then back to me. "Did you meet my two kids in the other room, Krissy and Robby?"

He nodded again. "They're nice," he said quietly. _So shy…and my kids so aren't. _They probably did scare the poor baby half to death.

"Boo-Boo, don't be rude. Come out from behind me so Miss Bella can hear you when you talk," Leah said sternly. He complied immediately and I could finally see his entire little face.

I gasped when he came into view and stared at me with familiar, dark brown eyes. I stared back for what felt like forever, taking in his face…his features so strikingly similar that it felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. It couldn't be, could it? Of course it could be possible, but was it? _No_, no way it was possible. But maybe…could he have?

_Jesus Christ_, I was staring at a miniature version of Jacob Black and I couldn't believe my eyes. This child looked more like my husband than his own children did.

My thoughts struck me suddenly, the words swirling around in my head…_his own children_…and I stood up too quickly. I felt my whole body tingling and my eyesight going dark. That was when I felt my sister's arms wrap around me.

"Bella? Are you okay?" I nodded slightly, putting my palm on my forehead and groaning.

"She's okay," I heard her say again. "You two go ahead and make yourselves at home in the living room. She's been busy cooking all day…probably just exhausted."

"Oh, okay." I heard the fear in Leah's voice, as if she noticed that I noticed…something.

When they left the room, I turned to Alice and rubbed my palm over my face repeatedly. "Holy shit!" she exclaimed. I let out an exasperated breath, then took another one. In through my nose, out through my mouth.

"Alice, did you see what…please tell me you didn't. Tell me I'm crazy. Just…please tell me you didn't see it too," I rambled as quietly as I could.

"Bella, I—" she began, but was interrupted by the collective voices of Charlie and Jake as the sound filtered into the kitchen, followed closely by them.

"Bells!" they both said together. "Are you okay? Leah said you almost fainted," Jake blurted out, his face riddled with concern as was my dad's. I noticed an older gentleman with shoulder length, almost white-ish gray hair and a tired, but serene-looking face. He also looked a bit concerned. I noticed Billy in the doorway, looking on in confusion.

I'm f—fine," I stammered, still feeling shell-shocked. He looked unconvinced, so I raised my eyebrows at him. "Really, I, I just need some air," I said a little more confidently.

"I'll go with you, sis," Alice stated. She still had an arm around me and I could feel it trembling as she led me toward the back door. "She's _probably_ just exhausted from all the _work_ she's done all day." I knew her comment was directed at Jacob and I could hear the disdain in her tone, so I was certain she had to have been blatantly glaring at him. This was definitely not the way I wanted to start Thanksgiving dinner, so I walked a little faster to get outside before Alice made more of a scene than I already had.

"Alice," I began once we were outside in the crisp November air. It had gotten so much colder since we arrived several hours before…so cold that it almost felt like it could snow again, and it was getting dark quickly. "Did you notice it too?" She sighed, looking slightly apprehensive as she stared back at me. "Alice?" I asked as she didn't respond.

"If you're talking about the fact that Leah's kid looks identical to _your_ husband, then, uh, yeah. This is so fucking crazy."

"Oh my God, Al! How is this even possible?"

She cocked her head to the side and looked at me incredulously. "Seriously? How do you think, Bella?"

I felt like I was going to hyperventilate. I began to shake my head vigorously. "No, no way. How could he…what…why?" I couldn't even get a full sentence out.

"Okay, okay, calm down. Just breathe."

I tried. It was all I _could_ do. My mind was too jumbled to form words. When I finally spoke, it didn't make much sense, but it was something that popped in my head from earlier in the day. "Jake said something earlier." She looked at me with anticipation. "He said you were planting ideas in my head about him ever since…and then he stopped talking. What was he talking about? Since what?"

Her mouth dropped open and she began to stammer. "Well I, um, I—I um…"

"Alice!"

"Okay, fine! About a year ago, I caught him getting some hooker's phone number at a bar when we all went out one night."

"_What_? Where? A hooker? He was soliciting a fucking prostitute? _Why_ doesn't anybody ever _tell_ me this shit?" I was losing my mind and my composure.

"Jesus, Bella, calm down! Not a real prostitute, just some slut, and it doesn't matter anyway." I glared at her, but she ignored me. "What matters is the situation at hand." She pointed toward the house. "What's a logical explanation for why that kid looks like a fucking clone of that idiot you're married to, other than the obvious…that he and Leah—"

"I don't know!" I interrupted. "I just…I don't know, Al. Fuck. What else could possibly go wrong in my life?"

She put her hands on my shoulders to try and calm me as I was losing my cool quickly. "Well, do you think they might be related, Jake and Leah? You know, like it's some other, non-scandalous type of genetic thing?"

I blew out the breath I was holding and shook my head. "I don't think so, Al. Leah and Sam are cousins, and I think Jake would've said something if his family and hers were related. _God_, this is so fucked!"

"I know, so, so fucked, but…" she quirked an evil eyebrow at me and smirked. _What the fuck could possibly be amusing about any of this?_ "If it turns out that said asshole husband made a mini-me with someone other than you, what, five years ago? Could work in your favor."

I rolled my eyes. "That doesn't make me feel any better, Alice." Although I hadn't thought about that before and she was probably right, I couldn't stop thinking about the consequences this would have to the kids involved.

"_Fuck!_ What am I going to do? I can't necessarily go in there and say, 'Hey, did you screw my husband and make a baby?' Dinner is ready and waiting!"

She shrugged and turned to walk back in the door. "I'll fucking ask her."

I grabbed her arm to stop her. "Don't you dare! Please, for the love of _God_, Alice, do not start world war three tonight. I will confront him…later, just let me handle this, okay?" She didn't respond. "Alice!"

"Okay!" she huffed. "I will do my best to keep my mouth shut, but I'm not going to promise anything."

"Jesus Christ," I muttered, rubbing my temples as I followed her back into the house.

XXXX

_***Chapter End Notes: Uh-oh! So, do you think Alice is going to stay true to her word? Nah, I don't either. Lol! As always, let me know what you think. *Those of you that reviewed chapter 37 already know who Jake was really talking to on the phone from the outtake I sent you. If you happened to review but did not receive the outtake, it's probably because I need your email to send it. You can PM me your email address, but make sure and post it as youremail (at) whatever (dot) com, or else ffn will remove it. Bella's up next again and believe me, you don't want to miss it! **_

_**I haven't been reading much lately, so I don't have a rec this time because I've kinda been busy writing my arse off. Alright, can't wait to hear what you think and really can't wait for you to read what's coming up next. I mean it this time; the shit is hitting the fan big time. ;-P**_


	43. Chapter 39, You Already Know

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past**

**Chapter 39, "You Already Know" ~ Train**

Bella's pov continued

_**A/N: Thanks so much to my fantastic betas, fmneff and THEsnapcrakklepop. You ladies rule my world! **_

_**What can I say about the reviews from last chapter other than simply amazing! I really think I have the best readers out there and I hope I can keep you guys interested and reading with what's coming up. Thanks to those that PM'd me their email so they could get the outtake I provided reviewers of chapter 37. I keep getting story alerts/favorites and reviews from new readers and I gotta tell you, I smile like an idiot each and every time! **_

_**So, remember how I said the shit was gonna hit the fan? Brace yourselves. ;-P **_

_**CAUTION**__**: Angst ahead! Don't say I didn't warn ya. **___

_**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended.. All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. All songs are owned by the respective artists, record companies and labels. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and its characters…I do not. **_©2009-2011 WickedCurveBall74/RobsMyEdibleArt, All rights reserved worldwide.

Song Link: You Already Know, www . youtube . com /watch?v=g_DIF91APXY (delete the spaces)

XXXX

"_This bipolar love affair; It just ain't where it's at for me anymore,_

_So, don't let the door hit you when you leave,_

_You throw me in the fire just to save your life,_

_A pretty little liar, when I call you out you'd rather put up a fight than just come clean,_

_Get on your way to makin' someone else feel low, than higher than they ever thought they could go,_

_You already know! I'm giving you up; you're letting me down,_

_Stop pretending that you're gonna turn yourself around. _

_You already know! Know, know know…you already know, know, know, know,_

_Don't ask me why. You already know._

_I was the shoulder you leaned on; you made me feel like the next James Bond,_

_007, oh hell you were heaven to me. _

_But while you were saying what I wanted to hear, you started breaking ground on a new frontier,_

_Always making love, but never to me,_

_So get on your way to making someone else feel low, than higher than they ever thought they could go,_

_You already know! I'm giving you up; you're letting me down,_

_Stop pretending that you're gonna turn yourself around._

_You already know! Know, know, know…you already know, know, know, know,_

_Don't ask me why. You already know._

_You already know that I'm done waiting…going crazy hating myself for loving you,_

_At least the one side of you I thought I knew._

_You already know! You already know, know, know, know. You already know, know, know, know,_

_Don't ask me why…"_

XXXX

Dinner was excruciatingly quiet, awkward and tense. So tense, in fact, that I could have taken the spatula my sister was waving around at me earlier and stirred the air with it. Even the kids were quiet. No normal chatter, giggling or even whining and it was only increasing my ever-growing anxiety.

The clanking and scraping of forks continued to grate on my nerves, but I couldn't seem to tear my eyes away from little Seth – Boo-Boo. The source of my trepidation. The source of the silence, the tension. He was officially the elephant in the room because as I glanced at the faces around the table, it was clear that everyone had at least noticed something was off.

Yeah, even Jacob.

I noticed his eyes traveling from the boy to Leah and back a couple of times. He looked confused, contemplative. I wondered what he could be thinking. I myself couldn't stop stealing glances at all three of them. Jake didn't notice, as he was obviously preoccupied, probably trying to figure out why the kid looked like him – like he didn't fucking know.

Leah wasn't looking at anyone, except maybe her son occasionally, which only made my suspicion grow. And the one time I caught her eye, she darted them away quickly. Was that the answer I was looking for? I still didn't want to believe what was right in front of my godforsaken face. I could feel the anger pouring from my sister in waves, for more than one reason, I was sure. I only prayed that she wouldn't completely lose her mind right here at the dinner table in front of the kids, especially the poor kid in question.

If it was anything, it wasn't _his_ fault…if his mom and Jake were fucking or _had_ fucked. _God_, I was losing my mind. Maybe it was just my imagination. But then it would have to be Alice's too.

I was startled slightly by Charlie clearing his throat. It seemed he had enough of the awkward silence as well. "So, Harry, I think we need to get another fishing trip in before the weather stops cooperating. Billy and I could always use another person, right Billy?" he asked and Billy nodded in response. "Besides, it would be nice for us all to get together again…like old times. It's been too long."

"I agree," Billy said. "And Harry makes the best fish-fry."

Harry nodded in agreement and smiled, looking relieved that my dad had broken the tension somewhat. Oh, it was still there, though. "Definitely too long," he replied soberly.

My kids jumped on the bandwagon real quickly. "Fishing with Grandpa!' they both chanted. Charlie grinned sheepishly, realizing that he'd inadvertently turned a 'guy's trip' into a 'grandparent's trip'.

"Well see," I stated, looking at my plate.

"Mommy, can we go upstairs and play?" Krissy asked jovially. I looked at her and nodded, then glanced over at little Seth, stifling a gasp. I just couldn't get over how identical to Jake he really was. He was staring at Leah expectantly and I could tell he wanted to join them. _He might as well get to know them better, _I thought_, if what I think is true _is_, they're all going to be a lot closer than any of us are prepared for_. I smiled at Seth.

"If it's okay with Miss Leah, you can take Boo-Boo. Just make sure you don't destroy the room." Charlie had converted my old bedroom into a playroom for the twins not long after they were born.

Leah glanced at me quickly, then her eyes drifted to her son, who was practically bouncing in his seat. "Sure, honey, but you help clean up too."

Krissy squealed in delight and hopped up from her seat. "Come on, Boo-Boo! It'll be fun!"

"Want me to show you some karate moves?" Robby asked him in a prideful tone.

"Robert…" I warned. "I think not."

He pouted at me before turning to follow the others up the stairs.

Once the kids disappeared, the tension and silence resumed. If I had known Alice was going to take that moment to open the biggest can of worms on the planet, I would've attempted to muzzle her sooner. "So, you've got a handsome little boy, Leah," my sister said. Her tone lacked sincerity, but it seemed that I was the only one who caught on to that. I looked at her curiously.

"Um, thanks," Leah replied almost inaudibly. Her eyes darted to Alice quickly, and then back to her plate as she continued to push her food around with her fork. Strange. If someone complemented _my_ children, I'd be much more congenial.

"So how old is the little guy?" Alice continued. Leah seemed to grow slightly more uncomfortable with the second question, but lifted her head again to answer it timidly.

"He just turned five…on the twentieth." There was a low murmur around the table as my sister – who was a terrible actress, by the way – responded overly enthusiastically.

"Oh wow! You should've said something. Bella and I would've made a cake or something." She glanced at me and I stared at her dubiously. She was definitely up to something with this line of questioning and it definitely wasn't good.

"That's not necessary," Leah responded, again almost inaudibly.

"What's his name again?" Alice asked.

"Seth," Leah said simply.

"Seth," Alice repeated. "It's nice. Is that like a _family_ name or something? I mean, is he named after his, you know, father or something?"

Leah's eyes darted to mine quickly, as if I was to answer that question for her, and then back to her plate. I wasn't about to get into this exchange. It wasn't my story to tell. She lifted her eyes slightly to meet my sister's. "Um, no. It's…my brother's name."

Alice looked distracted momentarily, before averting her gaze to the right, near the end of the table, where Billy was at the end and Harry was just to his left. Charlie and Billy were at the ends of the makeshift long table – made up of Charlie's round table in the middle and the card tables on each side. Leah was next to Harry with little Seth between her and Alice. I was directly across from Alice, trying to read her as she delved into the lives of our _guests_, and Jake was directly to my left, followed by Krissy and then Robby.

"Billy, Harry, I have a question for you," Alice said overtly chipper. Her mock enthusiasm was making me lose my appetite, as if I had one to begin with. "Are you all from the same Native American tribe, or whatever?"

Billy looked confused by her question, but nodded in response. My father-in-law was a man of few words, always had been. Harry seemed a little more comfortable and willing to speak about it. "Yes," he said stoically. "We're Quileute's. Some of our tribe migrated to his area from the Pacific Northwest. In the old days…" Alice rested her chin on her palm, gazing at him as if she was enthralled, as Harry went on and on about the tribe and their traditions, customs, legends. I stopped listening halfway through, but Alice was playing up the 'intrigued pale-face' thing quite well.

"Fascinating," she said when he finished. "So, are your families related somehow?"

_A-ha!_ I understood where she was headed now. It both impressed me and concerned me. Nevertheless, my sister was a clever girl.

Harry chuckled and shook his head. "No, not at all. It's not really that much different then any other culture. Just because we're from the same tribe doesn't mean we're all related." He seemed amused by her ignorance. Little did he realize that she was no more interested in his 'culture' than she was at attempting to cook this entire Thanksgiving meal by herself. She only needed one question answered, and she and I both learned what we needed, so far.

"Oh." She shrugged, then looked back over at Leah and raised her eyebrows. "I'm sorry, Leah, what was it you said about Seth's name?"

"I, uh, said it was my brother's name," Leah said, squirming as the spotlight was once again shining on her.

"Oh? Well, what happened with his dad? _If_ you don't mind my asking." The last part of her statement had a bitter edge to it and all heads at the table snapped to my sister.

"Alice," I warned.

She shrugged. "It's just a question."

"Well, I think that's kind of a personal question, Ali," Charlie interceded. "What's with the twenty questions anyway?"

She shrugged again before glancing at me. "Just curious. It's not like she has to answer it or anything."

"No, it's okay," Leah said quietly. "N—nothing happened, he's just…not been around. Seth…doesn't know him." She had said the same thing as when Jake had more-or-less interrogated her.

"Isn't he?" Alice asked cryptically.

Leah's eyes widened in shock. "What?"

I glared at Alice and kicked her in the shin – easy access with her being right across from me at the small table.

"Mmmm!" She groaned in pain, but tried to cover it up. "Oh, nothing." Charlie was giving her the stink-eye as he had caught on to the fact that she was being a royal bitch, and everyone else at the table, Jake, Billy and Harry, looked simply confused. "So he just turned five, huh? November twentieth?" There was no response from Leah, but I could tell her breathing had quickened and she was gripping her fork so tightly that her russet knuckles were white.

Alarm bells went off in my head for more than one reason, but I quickly became more concerned that she could very possibly use that fork as a weapon if Alice didn't shut the fuck up.

"So he was born in oh-four? I'm terrible at math." Alice giggled beguilingly.

"I'd say," Jake piped up in a condescending tone.

Alice shot a couple daggers his way. I knew what she was doing. I could almost see her counting backward nine months from November of that year to see if anything stood out as suspicious.

"March," she mouthed to me silently and I nodded in acknowledgement, hoping she would drop it. The problem was I'd begun to rack my brain, trying to remember anything of significance in March of that year. Suddenly, it hit me like a lightning bolt.

"Saint Patrick's Day!" Alice and I blurted out at the same time, then slapped our hands over our mouths with wide eyes and stared at each other. It was one of those surreal moments…a comedic moment that only happens in some cheesy sit-com. Under normal circumstances, we might have laughed. Maybe said _jinx_ or something, but it became painfully obvious that this was, in absolutely no way, a funny situation.

"_Jeez_, what is with you two tonight?" Charlie asked. "What does Saint Patrick's Day have to do with _anything_ right now?"

Alice and I both turned our eyes to Jake. He held his fork, frozen in mid-air, mouth open and staring at Leah incredulously. We then looked over at Leah. She still had a death grip on her fork, but she now had her eyes closed tightly as if she was praying for something to stop the direction of this conversation.

Yeah, it couldn't have been any more fucking obvious to me, but Alice obviously wasn't satisfied.

"You remember Saint Patrick's Day that year, Bella? The twins were, what, almost three months old?" Alice said, ignoring Charlie completely. I nodded and narrowed my eyes at her because I knew what she was referring to and I knew that things were about to explode…in front of Charlie, in front of Billy and in front of Harry. Thank God the kids were upstairs.

Maybe we were wrong. _Could we just please be wrong?_

That was the year I encouraged him to go out without me because I was in no shape to. I was sleep deprived and physically exhausted from dealing with newborn twins twenty-four/seven, and, in turn, in _no_ mood to go out and party. Jacob apparently was, and wouldn't stop talking about how bad it would suck to not get to go out until I'd finally had enough of his whining and insisted he go without me. Alice had come over to keep me company, as well as Angela – we made it a 'girl's night in' – and Alice ended up sleeping over. When we'd both woken up the next morning, Jacob wasn't home yet.

I remembered suddenly how he told me that he spent the night with Sam because he drank too much to drive home – much like he'd done recently. My blood began to boil.

"I remember it quite well, in fact," Alice continued to speak. Her tone was becoming more and more acidic. "You went out without Bella that night, Jackass—I mean Jake," she giggled wickedly.

"Ali!" Charlie hissed. "What the hell is the matter with you?"

"But there's something I'm forgetting." Again, completely ignoring our dad's increasing blood pressure, she pressed her fingertips to her temples dramatically. She hesitated for what felt like an eternity. "Oh, I remember! _You_ didn't come home that night." She finally snapped, narrowing her eyes at him. The look on her face frightened even me and Jake's face was priceless. I probably should have shut her up before she said what she said next, but nothing I would've said would have mattered and regardless, I wanted to see where this would lead…besides the ninth circle of hell.

"So tell me, _Jackass_. Is that the night you knocked her up?" She pointed at Leah. There was a collective gasp around the table as all eyes shifted to Jake, with the exception of Charlie and, of course, Leah.

"Mary Alice!" Charlie yelled out in anger, and everything that proceeded seemed to happen simultaneously.

There was a loud clank as Leah let go of her fork, causing it to crash onto her plate, and all eyes darted to her. She was staring at Jacob with a flurry of emotions dancing across her face: anger, remorse, horror, _longing_, and she was shaking her head. I noticed Jake's expression. He was staring at Leah intently, brow furrowed and mouth set into a hard line. His deep brown eyes seemed to darken exponentially. It was as if he was trying to convey something to her silently.

"I'm so sorry," Leah whispered as she looked over at me. Tears pooled in her eyes and my hand flew to my mouth involuntarily.

"Leah…_don't_," Jake hissed through gritted teeth.

"I shouldn't have brought him here." She looked over at Harry. "Dad, I told you it was a bad idea!" Harry opened his mouth to respond, but she turned to me quickly and continued. "Bella, I—I'm so sorry. I should've never come into your home. I—I should've told you. I—I was young. I didn't know what I was doing. There was alcohol…and Jake, he was drunk, it—it just happened, and then Boo-Boo…oh God, Boo-Boo." She covered her face with her hands and began to shake her head.

I couldn't respond. I was stunned beyond words that my suspicions had been realized.

"Leah!" Jake shouted. "What are you _saying_?"

"Yeah, would someone please tell me what the hell is going on?" Charlie interrupted.

Leah removed her hands from her face and looked at Jake incredulously. "He's yours! Seth…Boo-Boo, he's your son, Jacob!"

"_What?_" Jake asked in disbelief.

And a silence fell upon the room.

"I…got pregnant that night," Leah said, her tone disconnected. "I'm so, so sorry."

"Oh my God," I whispered as I suddenly felt my stomach lurched in my body and I jumped up. I didn't know if she was apologizing to me or to Jake or to everyone in general, but I didn't give a fuck. I had to get out of that room. "Excuse me!" I said quickly and ran for the bathroom.

"You son-of-a-bitch!" I heard Alice shout as I slammed the bathroom door and lost whatever dinner I had consumed.

XXXX

I wasn't sure how long I was in there. I could hear murmurs coming from the other room, but I didn't want to know what was being said. I was thankful that no one, namely Alice, was shouting, because none of the children needed to know what was happening. I was certain they would all find out soon enough, but hopefully in a more stable setting.

I just sat there on my dad's bathroom floor, staring at a framed picture on the wall.

It was of Charlie and me on one of our early fishing trips. He was beaming, smiling from ear to ear and kneeling next to me as I stood there in pig-tails and a bright yellow life jacket, holding up a fish that was probably as long as my own arm. I was five years old.

Tears sprung to my eyes as I thought how my own children were the same age now. Why couldn't things be as simple as they were when I was just a kid? But were they that simple? My parents weren't happy and my sister and I survived their divorce. Would mine survive this?

I chuckled humorlessly. _What a fucking nightmare._ When I thought today would be a disaster, I never would have guessed it would be because my husband fathered another woman's child while we were married. A woman I welcomed into my home, no less.

A light knock came at the door and I froze.

"Bella?" Alice asked softly. "Are you okay? Can I come in?"

"I'm coming out," I called as I dragged myself off the floor. When I opened the door, she threw herself at me and wrapped her arms around me. I stumbled from her weight. "Oh Bella, I'm so sorry! I didn't…well, I wasn't sure if we were right, but I didn't really think she was going to confess everything like that. I didn't think it through. Are you okay? Are you pissed at me?"

I shook my head. "I just need to sit down. I'm fine," I lied…and I'd been sitting for…ever…but standing up made me dizzy.

"You are clearly not fine," she said as we started toward the living room. "I know I shouldn't be asking this at _this_ particular time, but…_now_, can I cut his balls off?" she whispered in my ear.

"Shut the fuck up, Alice," I growled through my teeth. She held her hands up in surrender. "Where is _she_?" I asked just as we entered the room, and froze again.

My kids were sitting on the sofa watching Charlie curiously as he paced the floor in front of them.

_Fuck._

Jake was sitting on the edge of the recliner with his head in his hands, and Billy was nowhere to be seen.

"Hey," I said quietly.

Charlie rushed to my side and Jake stood up, eyeing me warily. The twins' eyes were trained on Charlie. "Bells! Are you alright? I was so worried—"

"Where is she…where's Leah?" I asked through my teeth as quietly as I could.

"I asked…I _told_ them to leave. I can't believe this!" He glared at Jake, whose face blanched.

I grabbed Charlie by the arm and pulled him to me. "_Stop_ freaking out in front of my kids, Dad," I whispered. He stopped talking immediately as I walked over and knelt in front of my babies.

"Mommy?" Robby began, looking more concerned than a little boy ever should. "Are you sick?"

I was trembling and tears immediately pricked my eyes, but I blinked them away and cleared my throat before nodding.

"Why?" Krissy asked, her little voice so beautifully sweet.

"I don't know," I replied softly. "Mommy just doesn't feel very good."

"Was Boo-Boo's mom, Miss Leah, sick too? Miss Leah looked kinda sick," Krissy elaborated.

I nodded again as the bile began to churn in my stomach. "Maybe. Would you guys go and play for a little while upstairs and don't come down until I come and get you…so Mommy can rest for a little while?"

They both nodded and hustled up the stairs. When I heard the bedroom door close, I spun around and glared at Jacob.

"Bells, I'm so sorry." He took a shaky breath. "I didn't know. I mean, she never told me. This is crazy!"

"Is it, Jake? You didn't _know_? Did you _know_ that you slept with her?"

He began to shake his head, his eyes full of sorrow and remorse, but I didn't fucking care. I laid into him, trying not to shout.

"It wasn't enough that you _fucked_ another woman…" Charlie cringed when I dropped the F-bomb in front of him, but I continued unfazed. "…when I was home with newborn twins, but you weren't even careful enough to make sure you didn't knock her up?" I stared at him, waiting for him to say something that could make this all better, but there was nothing he could ever say.

"I don't know what you want me to say, other than I'm so sorry. I can't take it back," Jake whispered.

Charlie's head snapped in his direction and I could feel the anger rolling off of him, but he remained quiet.

"There's nothing you _can_ say, Jake, but I have something to say to you and you're going to listen to me this time. It's over, Jake." The resolve I felt when I said the words out loud was what I'd been waiting to feel for a very long time, and it felt…good.

By this time, Billy had wheeled himself into the living room and his jaw fell open – as did everyone else's – when I said those three words.

"Wait, what?" Jake asked. His face had twisted into a mask of confusion.

"You've messed around on me for the last time, Jake. Speaking of which, have fun telling your _girlfriend_ Vanessa that you have _another_ kid."

"What? Who the hell is Vanessa?" Charlie asked, rubbing his head.

"_Jesus_, Pop, are you listening? He has a GIRL-FRIEND," Alice retorted.

Charlie turned to Jacob and glared, clenching his jaw as well as his fists. "What?"

"And _she_ doesn't have a _boyfriend_?" Jacob hissed at Alice.

Charlie looked at me incredulously. I shook my head. "No, I fucking don't," I lied…although I didn't see him as my goddamned _boyfriend_.

"_She_ didn't have a kid with someone else?" Jacob's tone was getting angrier.

"You can't be that fucking _stupid_! My God, you're even more ignorant than I thought!" Alice snarled. "She had that baby before you guys even started fucking dating, you _idiot!_"

"Okay, can everybody just _stop_ saying…_fuck_!" Charlie let out an exasperated sigh.

"That's beside the point!" I spat and turned back to Jake. "Let me be clear. I don't want you anymore. I want a divorce, Jacob. I. Don't. Want. To. Be. Married. To. You. Anymore. This…" I gestured between us. "…is OVER." I began trembling more violently, my whole body was shaking.

"No!" Jacob came toward me. "Bells, no, you don't mean that. I love you. Come on, please, let's just go home and talk about this."

I shook my head. "No more talking."

"I _said_ we're going home…now!" Jake reached toward me and I flinched back instinctively. Charlie noticed my recoil and stepped in between us, his stance rigid.

"I think you'd better back off, son," he said.

"But, Charlie, she…"

"I said back off! Don't make me arrest you for a domestic disturbance on Thanksgiving, boy. You need to leave my daughter alone. I think you've done enough damage."

"Oh, you don't know half of the _damage_ he's caused her," Alice said, her tone laced with venom. Jake's and my eyes widened to the size of saucers and I turned my attention to her.

"Alice, no!" I said weakly as I felt the room begin to spin. She was glaring at Jacob and he held a murderous expression as he glared back at her. Her lips were twitching in almost wicked delight. She was out for blood and I knew there was no stopping her. This was his retribution as far as she was concerned, unfortunately at my father's expense.

"What? What is she talking about?" Charlie asked as he narrowed his eyes at Jake, who sat down and pressed his fists into his eyes. "Bella?" Charlie turned his head to me, his eyes imploring me to give him an answer. I couldn't. I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. I pressed my lips together and cleared my throat.

"H…he," I began.

"_Please_, Bells, don't," Jake said as tears filled his eyes.

"He fucking beat the shit out of her!" Alice spat.

I burst into tears.

This didn't faze her. Like I said, she was out for blood, ready to bury Jacob by any means necessary.

"You should see the bruises, Pop!"

I waited for her to tell him the rest; that Jake had tried to rape me. I waited for her to say it and for my dad to have some massive heart attack. But she didn't say it. It didn't matter. My father was two beats away from flat-lining as it was.

"Let me see them," Charlie said with authority. I knew this tone. I hadn't heard this tone directed at me since I was a teenager. This wasn't my dad. This was Charlie Swan, Chief of Police. I stared at him in shock. "Now," he stated.

"Charlie, this isn't—"

"Shut up, Jacob!" Charlie deadpanned.

Reluctantly, I pulled my left sleeve up and lifted my wrist. His brow furrowed as he stared at my bracelet of bruises, which were now green and yellow…healing.

"Son, what have you _done_?" Billy, who had remained relatively quiet for the most part, finally spoke. But Jake didn't respond to him.

"That's not all of it," Alice added. I looked at her horrified, feeling the déjà vu that I never wanted to feel again. "Bella, your neck." She nodded at me, trying to be encouraging. She was failing miserably.

With trembling fingers, I pulled the neckline of my shirt down far enough for my dad to see what Jake had done to me. He squinted and the mere seconds it took him to realize what he was looking at felt like hours. His eyes widened just before he squeezed them shut and fisted his hands in his hair, much like Edward would do.

Edward.

_God_, my heart ached for him right now.

I could hear Charlie breathing in and out steadily, trying to calm himself. "Where's my gun?" he asked no one in particular.

"Dad…no," I pleaded.

"Charlie…" Jacob started, but was cut off abruptly as Charlie spun around and pointed at him.

"YOU! Don't you _ever_ call me that again! In this town, in this house, I'm _Chief Swan_ to you. Do you understand me? You _dare_ to put your hands on my daughter? You bruised her body like that? I should kill you right here as you stand in my living room! Get _off_ of my chair now!"

Jacob stood quickly, but froze in shock as he watched the rage take hold of my dad.

"Dad, please stop. The kids…are just upstairs," I pleaded with him.

"Get the _hell_ out of my house right now," he addressed Jake in the calmest, yet most terrifying tone I ever heard come out of my father. Billy didn't say a word to defend his son, only looked at him with sadness and disappointment.

Jacob nodded his head, unable to look Charlie in the eye. I was stunned when he turned to me and said, "Bells, get the kids. Let's go."

I scoffed. "I'm not going anywhere with you. You can take your dad home and stay with him tonight for all I care, but you're not coming home with me."

"Bells, no. I said we need to go home and talk this through. I love you."

I didn't even have time to respond before Charlie was in Jake's face. Though, Jake was almost a whole head taller than Charlie. "I think you heard the girl, now go. And if you so much as lay a finger on my daughter ever again, you understand that I will empty my nine millimeter into you without breaking a sweat."

Jake just stood there, no doubt trying to figure out how things turned so staggeringly against him. No doubt trying to find someone else to pin the blame on – Alice perhaps, or Leah. I didn't feel sorry for that lying bitch in the least, but this was all Jacob's doing.

"What about the kids?" Jacob asked hesitantly.

"They're not going with you. You have a fucking flight to catch, remember?" I spat.

"Yeah, well they're _my_ kids too, Bella," he snarled. _Un-fucking-believable_ that he was still standing there wanting to argue with me about the kids when my dad more or less just told him he was going to pump him full of bullet holes. How could I be so stupid as to marry someone so fucking stupid?

"Billy, get your son out of here before I change my mind and shoot him right now." The dire warning in Charlie's tone was enough to put Billy in motion, and he sent his son up the stairs to tell _his_ kids goodbye.

Apparently, he told the twins he had to go to work, which was fine with me. They didn't need to know anything else.

"Dad?" I asked with a shaky voice, once Jake and Billy had gone.

"Yeah, baby?"

"Do you think the twins could stay with you tonight? I…I just need time to sort things out in my head and I, I don't think I'll be the best 'mommy' tonight."

"Of course, Bells, but…I don't want you to be alone."

"I won't be. Alice, you can take me home, right?" She nodded.

"Bells, just stay here," he started, but I shook my head. Charlie knew better than to argue with me. "Bells…" He sat down next to me. "Why didn't you tell me any of this was going on?" He looked hurt, devastated. It was just how I'd assumed he would be and it tore my heart out.

"Dad, please, I didn't want to see you upset like this."

He rolled his eyes. "You're my daughter. I need to know when someone's hurting you." He cringed when he said it and my heart broke even more.

"Dad, I can't talk about this right now. I just, I need to go home. I just want to go to bed," I lied. I knew I wouldn't be sleeping. He simply nodded.

The kids were pretty excited to stay the night with Grandpa…who smoothed things over even more by announcing that maybe there might be a fishing trip in the daylight if they didn't give their 'old grandpa' too much trouble. But, I could still see the concern in their eyes as I kissed and hugged them goodbye for the night. I only requested for them to stay because I knew I would be completely out of sorts for the rest of the night and I was convinced they'd be safe with Charlie. It was nearly ten p.m. when Alice and I left, so I instructed Charlie to just put the kids to bed and I'd call them tomorrow.

XXXX

I was relieved to see that Jake's truck wasn't in the driveway. He had no reason to come home as he'd already packed a bag and taken it with us in his truck in case he wouldn't have time later. He thought maybe we'd stay late at my dad's and he'd have to go straight to the airport to catch his flight for the business trip that I didn't believe was a business trip in the first place.

Alice came inside with me, I guess to make sure I was alright. "You sure you're not mad at me?" she asked with sad eyes.

I shook my head. "No, Al. I'm not particularly happy about you upsetting Dad like that, but I guess he needed to see Jake for who he really is. So, no, I'm not mad at you."

She nodded. "You want me to stay?"

"No, Alice, I'm fine. I just, I need to be alone. I need to think, or clear my head or something."

"I mean, I can't believe this shit!" she spouted off suddenly, catching me off guard. "He's more of a whore than I thought. What a douche!"

"Alice," I responded as calmly as possible. "I'm a whore too, and I don't want to talk about it right now."

"Whatever. You know what I would do if I were you? I'd go and find Edward, wherever he is, and fuck his

brains—"

"Alice!" I interrupted her. "You're not helping me! I told you I want to be alone." It was a lie, because I would've given anything to be with Edward right now, to let him comfort me, but I didn't want to disrupt his holiday with his family. He had told me, sometime when we spoke, that he was going to his parents' and that he'd have Kellan until early in the evening when Rosalie would pick him up. It was well past that, but I really just didn't want to bother him…even though I really _did_.

So much I wanted him; I needed him to be here with me or to be wherever he was, but instead I wallowed in my self-pity. I should've been happy, celebrating because Alice was right. This would certainly help me in the divorce – the fact that Jacob fathered a child outside our marriage – but I was miserable. I was pissed that I could be deceived so easily and I couldn't see happiness in my future even without Jake.

If and when I told Edward about the baby he never got to meet, to hold and to love, he would hate me and I would be alone. _Jesus, stop feeling so sorry for yourself. You're pathetic!_ I chastised myself.

After Alice left, I tried to relax, but I couldn't. The silence was giving me a headache. I tried to smoke, but it was too fucking cold outside, so I gave up on that. I started going through Jake's things, wondering if I could find more damning evidence to bury him even more. What started out as rummaging through drawers turned into a rage-filled episode of ripping his clothes out and flinging them all over the bedroom floor.

I was startled out of my fit by the sound of the front door slamming and I froze.

_Motherfucker. _

He was home.

Why? Why did he come home other than to torment me?

I looked around the room in a panic, realizing I couldn't clean it up before he came up here and found me. So, I collected myself as best I could and walked out of the room, shutting the door quickly and padding down the hall to the stairs. When I reached the edge of the stairs, I was met with depressed brown eyes staring back at me from the bottom of them. As soon as I saw him, the rage returned full force and I gripped the rail tightly.

"What are you doing here?" I snarled.

He stared at me briefly and then shrugged. "I forgot something."

"Right," I said, unconvinced.

"And I, I wanted to talk to you, Bells."

"Well I sure as hell don't want to talk to you. And there's nothing you can say to make this better, Jake."

"I know, Bells, just…please, hear me out."

"_What?_ No!" I was getting angrier with every word that he spoke. "I meant what I said, Jake. It's over. We're over. I'm talking to my attorney next week."

"Bella, no!" he shouted. "You just…you just need some time. I understand that. I'll be gone all weekend and when I get home—"

"When you get home, the kids and I won't be here," I finished his sentence for him.

"You don't mean that!" His brow furrowed in frustration and his eyes flashed with anger. I began to get a very disturbing feeling in the pit of my stomach that told me I could possibly be in danger of bodily harm. Unfortunately, I ignored it. I'd grown tired of playing games to try and appease him.

Fuck him.

"Don't you tell me what I mean. I know what I mean and I fucking know what I want!" I spat. My body was starting to tremble with fear and anger as he began to walk slowly up the stairs toward me.

"It's not over," he said quietly. "It'll never be over, Bells." He suddenly sounded so confident, so eerily calm that it scared the hell out of me. His eyes bore into mine, but I stood my ground.

"It _is_, Jake. I can't do this anymore."

"Do what?" He was standing right in front of me now, his voice still eerily calm, but the pain in it was crushing my resolve and tears pooled in my eyes.

"Pretend with you, Jake. I can't pretend that we're happy and in love. It's killing me, Jake."

He wiped a stray tear gently as it made its way down the apple of my cheek. "You love me, Bella. I love you. We can…we can make it through this," he whispered.

I would've been lying if I said I didn't _want_ to love him. I did. I thought I had, thought he had, but it was never what I thought. It killed me to think that he was always merely a band aid holding me together, but he was. He couldn't hold me together anymore.

"No we can't," I said shaking my head.

"Why?"

"Don't ask me that question, Jacob. You _know_ why."

He placed his hands on each side of my jaw and tilted my head up to look at him. "But you love me. I can't let you go."

Something came over me that I didn't expect as I looked into his eyes. Sadness. Immense sadness. It hit me so hard that I felt like my knees were going to buckle under me. A sob ripped through my chest and escaped through my lips as I reached my hand up and placed it on his cheek. He closed his eyes.

"Jake," I whispered. "You were my best friend when I needed you, and you'll always have a piece of my heart. You gave me two beautiful children, but things have changed. We'll never be what I once thought we were. You have to let me go. You don't have a choice."

He opened his eyes suddenly and what I saw in them frightened me. He walked away from me and down the hall a few steps before turning back abruptly, his hands balled into fists and rage in his eyes. "No…" He shook his head. "NO!"

My feet defied me by walking toward him. I didn't know what I was thinking; I just wanted him to calm down.

"So, what, Bella? You want what…_him_?" He threw his hands in the air. "The man that shredded your heart to begin with? I was there, remember? I saw what he _did_ to you!" I didn't respond. "You think he loves you? He doesn't _fucking _love you like I do!" he bellowed.

Anger surged through me and I lashed out at him. "What _he_ did? What about you, Jake? What he did to me was nothing compared to what _you_ did, you asshole! How dare you pretend like you're perfect. You're far from it!"

He charged toward me with unhinged determination and I flinched back, terrified, but he didn't stop. He grabbed me around the waist and pulled me to him forcefully, knocking the wind out of me as my torso slammed against him. I didn't even have time to breathe before his lips were on mine. He tried to make me kiss him back, but I couldn't. I wouldn't. My screams were muffled and I fought against him with everything I had, but it was to no avail.

Finally, he let me go and I stumbled backward from shoving against him at the same time. "Tell me you didn't feel that," he said.

"Fuck you, Jake! I feel nothing for you anymore, you cheating motherfucker!"

"Oh, like I said before, you're such a goddamned hypocrite, Bella!" He came barreling toward me again and my eyes widened in fear as I backed up against the wall. He pressed himself against me so that I couldn't get away. "How many times have you fucked him, Bella?" he snarled.

"Get away from me, Jake! Let me go!"

"How many _times_?" he screamed. He grabbed my arms so hard that I cried out in pain, but it seemed only to fuel his rage. He shook my body as he gripped my arms, and then slammed me back against the wall. My head smacked against it and I felt a sharp pain ricochet through my fucking brain. I cried out again and began to beg him to leave me alone.

"You _fucked_ him, didn't you?"

I didn't respond.

"DIDN'T YOU!" he roared.

"YES!" I screamed back at him.

He gripped my arms even tighter and I winced in pain. "_Why_?" he screamed again.

I had enough.

"Because I'm…I'm in love with him!" I cried out, tears streaming down my face in droves. "It's always been him, Jake. It's…always been him," I whispered.

"FUCK!" he roared again and let go of my arms. I was frozen in fear as he cocked his fist back. I threw my hands up over my face in defense, bracing myself, although I knew I could never protect myself from his rage. Instead of hitting me, he slammed his fist into the wall just above my head, the plaster and sheetrock buckling under the force of his muscle and bone.

I screamed out when I heard the crunch of the wall behind me and I looked up to see a gaping hole as he pulled his fist out. His chest was heaving, as was mine, and he seemed to be in shock. He stared at his fist for a second, then whispered, "You'll never be his, Bella."

The moment he said those words, I snapped. I realized that he had no intention of letting me leave him…alive, anyway, and there was no way I could let that happen. If it came to me or him, I would survive. Realizing this, I darted out from in front of him and sprinted down the hall to the bedroom.

"Bella!" he screamed behind me, but my steps didn't falter. I hurdled over the bed and dropped to the floor on the other side…my side. I reached under the bed, feeling for the steel box that housed my gun. I slid it out from under the bed quickly and pressed my hands on the indented areas. My breath quickened when I heard his footsteps approaching, and I thought my heart would pound out of my chest.

Finally, it clicked. It had been less than a second, but it felt like hours. I breathed a sharp sigh of relief until I realized I had to hold it in my left hand. _Fuck my life. _

"Bells? Bella, I'm sorry! Where are you? I…what the _hell_ happened in here?" I stood up, but held the gun slightly behind my back. "You ruined my clothes!" he yelled and started coming around the bed toward me. I held the gun up with a trembling hand and pointed it at him. He stopped dead in his tracks, staring wide-eyed, in shock.

"Don't you move," I snarled through clenched teeth.

"Bells, what are you doing with that?"

"I want you to get the fuck out of here right now, Jake, because if you try to put your hands on me one more time, I _will_ shoot you."

His eyes widened even further and his demeanor changed suddenly as he held his hands up. He was now trying to calm me. Absolve surged through me. He took a step.

"_Don't!_" I yelled as I flicked the safety off of the gun and cocked it before pointing it at him again. He froze. "I want you to leave right now," I said stoically.

He shook his head. "No, I'm not going anywhere, now put that thing down. You don't even know what you're doing!"

"Oh, I can assure you that I know what I'm doing – even left-handed. My dad taught me well. You can either leave right now or continue to argue with me about whether I can pull this trigger. I think the odds are in my favor here. Would you like me to show you? Because I really don't think you're in any position to question me right now," I spat.

"This is bullshit!" he said angrily. "Will you stop being a psycho and put that goddamned gun down?"

"Are you going to leave?"

"No! Stop this right now!" He took another step and I jumped.

"Don't fucking move, Jake! I swear to _God_, I will kill you."

"Please, Bells," he whined.

"I gave you a chance to get out," I said without emotion. I honestly didn't want to shoot him, although the thought was intriguing, but I knew he wasn't going to leave on his own. I could never explain to my babies what had happened to their dad if I pulled the trigger and even though I was threatened by him and hurt physically, I didn't think it would be enough to keep me from going to prison for the rest of my life. I had to think of something else.

I grabbed the cordless phone from the nightstand – thank God it was on my side of the bed – and pushed the three simple numbers.

"Nine-one-one, what is your emergency?" the dispatcher asked.

"My husband threatened to kill me and I have a gun pointed at him. I'd like someone to come and make him leave before I shoot him," I said breathlessly and with a shaky voice.

"_What? _What the…what are you talking about?" Jake shouted in the background.

"Okay, ma'am, what is your name?"

"Bella Swan," I replied and noticed Jake's eyes darken, his hands clenched into fists in response to the name I gave her.

"Bella, don't shoot him, okay? Are you hurt? Do you need an ambulance as well?"

"No, he slammed me against the wall, but I—I'm okay."

"Okay, I'm going to send one just as a precaution. I have officers on route."

"Bella! You're insane!" Jake yelled in a panic.

"Ma'am, stay on the phone with me okay? Ma'am!" I didn't respond, only pressed the 'off' button and threw the phone on the bed, still staring at Jake, still pointing the barrel of the gun at him. After a few excruciating moments, I heard faint sirens in the background – amazed that they were so fast – and my heart began to pound even harder. I had never called the cops on Jacob; I had never pulled a gun on him. This was all knew territory for me and I felt suddenly as if I was the one that was going to be hauled away in handcuffs. I started to panic. But, I hadn't done anything wrong; I was only defending myself. He had put his hands on me…he had hurt me and he had to pay for it.

We continued to stare at one another, Jake shaking his head at me like he was disappointed, trying to break my resolve, until we heard loud pounding on the front door. Jake backed away from me slowly with his hands still in front of him until he reached the hallway, and then disappeared.

"It's unlocked!" he yelled. I heard the door open.

"Jake? Bella? It's Sam!" I heard Sam's voice and my heart sank.

"Thank God!" Jake yelled back.

"Fuck," I whispered. I flicked the safety back on the gun and laid it on the bed.

"Bella?" I heard another voice yell my name and gasped. "It's Heather! Sergeant Hawkins!"

_There is a God_, I thought. I walked slowly out of the bedroom and down the hall to the stairs, where this all began. I was surprised to hear Sam yelling at Jake. "What did you do to her? Where is she, Jake?"

"I don't believe this is the first time, Detective," I heard Sergeant Hawkins say and my heart leapt. "I've seen bruises on her before."

"What? Who the hell are you? Who the hell is _she_, Sam? I thought _you_ were the cops. You don't need to be here, lady! Sam can handle this just fine!"

"I'm sure he can," Heather said, her tone condescending, "but if you don't shut your mouth right now, I will be handling you myself. Oh, and my name is _Sergeant_ Heather Hawkins. Would you like me to spell it?"

"Whatever!" Jake spat.

"Shut up, Jacob!" Sam shouted. "Where is Bella?"

"I'm…right here," I said as I reached the top of the stairs. I grabbed the rail to hold myself up. I felt like I'd been hit by a Mack truck and my arms were aching. Heather sprinted up the stairs immediately to me and began to try and ask me questions. I shook my head. "Why are _you_ guys here? You're not normal patrol officers, how did you…" I trailed off.

"I was leaving the station when I heard dispatch call it out. When they said the address, I radioed that I was on my way. Sergeant Hawkins heard it also and radioed to me that she knew you. She wanted to assist. We told the others we could handle it, but, there's an ambulance outside. Are…did he…are you hurt, Bella?" Sam began to stammer after he explained how they'd just happened to show up here. Still, I was relieved that Heather was here because I didn't trust Sam at all.

"Bella, I heard what happened at Charlie's." Sam said softly.

"What?" Jake and I both said in unison.

"Leah called me. She told me everything. Bella, I'm so sorry, I didn't know that Seth was…that he was Jake's."

Heather looked at me quizzically. I simply shook my head and said under my breath that I would explain later. I narrowed my eyes and glared at Sam. "Don't fucking talk to me, Sam! I hate you!" I shrieked. He only looked back at me with sympathetic eyes. "He was with _you_ when he fucked her, probably at _your_ house, and got her pregnant! Not to mention the fact that you've been having someone follow me for him! You and I are no longer friends!"

He looked perplexed. "What? What are you talking about following you? Bella, I'm not—"

"Sam!" Jake yelled. "Can we talk about how she pulled a gun on me and nearly killed me?"

Sam instructed Jake to go outside with him to talk. Heather continued to ask me questions and I explained everything that had happened to her. She insisted on seeing my arms. Reluctantly, I showed her into the bedroom and slipped my shirt off, feeling dread course through me. I didn't understand the feelings I was having. I was all over the place. As I had predicted, there were deep red marks on my upper arms where Jake's hands has been and the back of my head was tender.

I'd almost forgotten about the gun until she spotted it. She looked at me warily. "I'm going to have to run the serial number on that," she said and pointed at it. "It's just a formality, to make sure it's legal and registered to you." I nodded in understanding. I knew it was legal and registered to myself and my sister, so I wasn't worried about it.

Heather requested that the EMT's come in to check my injuries. When they did, I was mortified as I recognized one of them as Sam's cousin, Embry Call. _Jesus, could the world get any smaller? _They determined that my head was okay as well as my arms – although they would most likely bruise rather badly. _Big fucking surprise there_. Heather, however, was pissed and insisted on arresting Jacob for spousal abuse.

I don't know what came over me, but I told her that I just wanted him to leave. That it wasn't necessary to take him to jail. Sam even promised her that he would make sure he left and didn't come back tonight, but she was relentless, slapping cuffs on Jake and reading him his rights as he yelled at Sam to make her stop. It was strange…Sam almost looked pleased that Jake was being hauled off. Maybe I was just imagining things.

"This is bullshit!" Jake yelled as Sam took him by the arm and led him toward the front door. "Sam, you know I'm not like that! I would never really hurt her."

"Yeah, Jake, I can _see_ how much you haven't hurt her. Shut your mouth. You can call Billy when you get to the station," Sam said as he opened the door.

"Sam, I have a flight to catch in a goddamned hour!"

"Well, guess you're going to miss it. I'm sure you can catch another one when you get bailed out," Sam replied calmly. "Let's go before I charge you with resisting as well."

"I'm already cuffed, goddamn it! I'm not resisting!" Jake shouted. Sam didn't respond to that, only disappeared with him out the door and into the darkness. I was stunned, staring blankly at the door in confusion. I couldn't believe that Sam actually took him away. Maybe I was wrong about him? I didn't know; I was so befuddled with the way Sam had reacted to…everything. Still, Sam had tried to apologize to me again just before he shut the door behind him but I remained stubborn and refused to accept it. I wasn't ready to believe he was on my side in this just yet.

Heather stayed with me for a few minutes, long enough to gently ream my ass for taking matters into my own hands as she'd warned me not to do. But, for the most part, I could tell that she was genuinely concerned for me and cared about my well-being. I thanked her and she actually gave me a hug before she left, promising to call me in the morning to make sure I was okay.

I was shaking when I picked up my phone and called Alice. I had to talk to someone and she was the only one I could think of, other than Edward, that I could bear my soul to and have a meltdown without feeling like a fucking lunatic.

"Oh my God! Are you alright?" she blurted after I told her what had happened. I responded that I was, although I knew I wasn't at all okay. "And Sam actually took him to _jail_? Wow, I think Pop would probably give him the Congressional Medal of Honor for that."

I laughed through my sobs and she tried to console me, but it was futile. "I don't know what to do, Al," I cried.

"I'm coming over. You don't need to be alone right now," she replied.

"No," I said simply.

"Bella, what about Edward? Have you called him?" she asked.

"Hell no, I haven't called him, Alice. He doesn't need to be subjected to me right now…does he?" I wasn't really asking her; I knew that he didn't need to see me like this but I wanted him so badly and maybe I just wanted her to say it, to say that I should call him, to give me some sort of permission to invite him into more of my ridiculous drama.

"Absolutely he does!" she confirmed. "But it's up to you whether you call him or not. Either way, you don't need to be by yourself, so if you're sure you're not going to call him I'm getting in my car right now."

I remained quiet for a few seconds, contemplating what I wanted, needed to do. Finally, I responded to my sister. "I'm, I think I'm going to call him."

She squealed in delight. "Yay! Okay, you better call me tomorrow. I mean it!" I agreed before hanging up the phone.

Once I was off the phone with Alice, doubt clouded my head. I wasn't sure if I was actually going to call him, even though my heart was imploring me to do so. I collapsed on the sofa in a sobbing frenzy, trying to come to grips with what had happened in the last few hours. Leah…the kid…Jake…his hands on me…hurting me…the gun…the look on his face when I pointed it at him…Sam….Jake being taken to jail. It was all too much.

Without thinking it through completely or calling him first, I shot up from where I was curled up into a ball on the sofa and grabbed my keys. There was only one person on the planet that could make this all better for me. I realized that now. Only one person I was desperate to see, to feel. One person that I didn't think I would make it through the night without.

Edward.

I got in my car and began to make my way toward the Cullen's home. I couldn't believe I was doing what I was doing. It was so late and I would probably wake up the entire house, Edward included, acting like a mental patient, but the pull I felt toward him was too great.

I pulled out my phone and sent him a text, asking if he was still at his parent's house because the thought struck me suddenly that he could have gone home. He could have been peacefully sleeping. What the hell was I thinking? Relief washed over me when he responded immediately that he was still there. I wasn't sure why I didn't text him back right away telling him I was on my way, other than the fact that I was trying to concentrate on the road in front of me. It was a task to see out the windshield as tears were constricting my vision. Add to that the fact that my nerves were completely shot to hell. I was a mess.

I felt my phone vibrate in my lap, where I'd dropped it, and picked it up. Edward had sent a text back, obviously wondering what the hell was up with me. I couldn't possibly send what was going on, what I was feeling in a text message, but I didn't necessarily want to call because I knew my voice would betray me and, in turn, I would worry him when all I wanted was his calm, loving arms around me.

Despite my fears, I dialed his number and waited – my hand shaking like a leaf – as it rang. As the line clicked, indicating that he had picked up the phone and was about to answer, my breathing quickened. My mind screamed out in response before my voice could even make a sound.

_Edward! I need you!_

XXXX

_***Chapter End Notes: Wow! That was a crazy chapter. How many Alice fans do I have out there? I'm guessing a lot! Thoughts, opinions, questions? Bring it on. ;-) What'ya think Edward's reaction is going to be? Well, you'll find out next chapter because he's up next! **_

_**We should be right on track for another chapter around this time next week, and a teaser for Wednesday (and possibly Monday if I can get it together). So, stay tuned!**_

_**I have an amazing fic to recommend to you while you're waiting. "My Place In Line" by swimom7 had me captured from chapter 1! She's 7 chapters in and I'm waiting on baited breath for the next one. This author's writing is superb, so go and check it out! **_


	44. Chapter 40, Please Don't Go

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past**

**Chapter 40, "Please Don't Go" ~ Barcelona**

Edward pov

_***A/N: My betas amaze me. THEsnapcrakklepop and fmneff, thank you so much for your continued support. Thank you for believing in my writing even when I don't! **_

_**Amazing reviews from last chapter, guys. Seriously. I can't even tell you how good it makes me feel when I get something as simple as a smiley face…to a near novel. It's all amazing to me. Thank you so much for that, and for rec'ing this out to your friends. Still smiling like an idiot here from new readers, new potential readers and reviewers. Just…thanks! **_

_**Okay, this one's kind of a doozy. You might be a little ticked at me for a while during this one, but I hope you'll be happy at the end of it. Just remember, Bella is exhausted, emotionally spent and completely irrational. Okay then, let's hear from the good Doctor. Also, possible tissue alert on this one…maybe.**_

_**CAUTION**__**: Serious (somewhat irrational) angst ahead, followed by a near-lemon, more angst then fluff. Got all that? **_

_**Song Link, Please Don't Go – **__**www . youtube . com /watch?v=COqx-TCxrSk**__** ***__**If you have not heard this song before, please delete the spaces, put it in a new window browser and listen to it. It is incredibly beautiful**__*****_

_**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended. All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. All songs are owned by the respective artists, record companies and labels. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No copying, reproducing or reposting of this story on any other sight without express written authorization from the author. Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and its characters…I do not. **_©2009/2010 WickedCurveBall74/RobsMyEdibleArt, All rights reserved worldwide.

XXXX

"_All those arrows you threw, you threw them away,_

_You kept falling in love and then one day,_

_When you fell, you fell toward me, _

_When you crashed in the clouds, you found me,_

_Oh, please don't go; I want you so,_

_I can't let go; for I lose control,_

_Get these left-handed lovers out of your way,_

_They look hopeful but you, you should not stay,_

_If you want me to break down and give you the keys,_

_I can do that, but I can't let you leave,_

_Oh, please don't go; I want you so,_

_I can't let go; for I lose control"_

XXXX

I decided to hang out at my parents' house, needing the comfort of their presence around me. Around ten o'clock I felt a sharp smack across my knee and jerked my head up to see a smirking Emmett looking at me.

"What?" I questioned, rubbing my knee.

"Where you at, bro?" he replied as he plopped down next to me on the sofa. I hadn't realized I was lost in thought. My mind had drifted off to thoughts of Bella. I wondered what she was up to, how her Thanksgiving was going with _him_. I wondered if she was thinking about me. The urge to send her a text was overwhelming, but I refrained. I had bothered her enough over the past week, sending her text after text daily to make sure she was alright. Each time, she responded lovingly, stating she was alright and requesting that I stop worrying about her. She went on to tell me that she hadn't mentioned any of what I told her to Jacob, nor had he brought anything up, but that she had big plans for all the info she gathered, including some she came across herself regarding Jake and this Vanessa girl. I wondered what that was exactly. When I asked her about the attorney she said she had talked to her on the phone, but couldn't get in to see her and wouldn't have any papers drawn up until after the holiday. She didn't want Jake getting wind of anything.

_You know why, Edward_, she'd texted me when I had a mini tantrum over it again like a douche bag, and I _did_ know why, but it still pissed me the fuck off.

I knew she needed to do it this way for her kids and I fully understood, especially thinking about Kellan. I really did, but a small part of me wanted her to be completely selfish for once. Okay, more than a small part.

"Dude," Emmett started again and I shook my head.

"I was just… thinking." I mumbled stealing a quick glance at my father, who was nodding off along with Esme as he stroked her arm gently on the loveseat.

"Hey man, don't worry about Rose. I think she got the hint if you know what I mean," he replied with raised eyebrows.

I shook my head again. "Nah, man. I'm not thinking about her, it's… something else."

"Oh, you mean some_body_ else." He grinned wickedly, and I clenched my jaw. He his face shifted to a wary expression and he sighed. It seemed that since the incident at Miller's Pub, and after I told him what had happened, my friend had toned down his mockery of me and the woman I was hopelessly in love with.

"Look man, I know what's going on in that head of yours, but you need to relax."

I let out a soft, frustrated growl. "I know," I nodded. "But I can't, Emmett."

"Hey, if it's any consolation, that motherfucker touches her again and he'll have at least three sets of fists pounding on that ugly mug of his."

I grinned at Emmett's conviction, but frowned again. "_If_ nothing, Emmett. I'm still waiting for my time with him. He fucking deserves it," I whispered.

"You're right, he does." Em agreed. "But you need to think about how that would affect her, dude."

I shook my head. "Em, I don't think it's going to matter. I don't think I'll be able to control myself the next time I see him. You should've seen what I did to James," I sneered.

"Whoa, wait a minute," Emmett stated as he looked me over suspiciously. "The patient you _saved_," he gestured quotation marks. "That was Bella?"

"Mm-hmm," I nodded.

"What the hell is _up_ with that guy?" he questioned emphatically.

I sighed and clenched my teeth again. "I'm not sure, Em, but something's not right. You know he's from Seattle?" Emmett shook his head, befuddled. "I think he's involved in the rape at Millennium Park too. Bella saw him there. He scared her, tried to touch her, and that was the same day of the rape reported on the news. And then there was that bullshit he pulled on her at the hospital… fucking around with my ex and my kid. I just… I don't know."

"That's some crazy shit, dude." Emmett shook his head. "You should tell the cops."

I nodded "Already have, but not Sam." He looked at me confused again. "I told you what that ass wipe said to Bella, right? That he was having Sam follow her? She doesn't trust him, Emmett, but I told a sergeant when I went with Bella to file a restraining order against James."

Emmett snorted and shoved me in the shoulder. "Shut the fuck up. You went with her to the station? You really are my hero!"

"Fuck off, Emmett," I chuckled quietly and glanced at my parents again.

Luckily, my grandparents had already retired earlier to one of the guest bedrooms, but I didn't want my parents to be privy to our current conversation.

Emmett's eyes darted away for a second and then back to me. "You said he's from Seattle?" I nodded. "Well, I know it's a stretch, but do you think he's connected somehow to that guy Jake was meeting with in Vegas, Riley…and possibly Victoria?"

I shrugged. "I don't know, man. It is a stretch and I wouldn't even know the significance of it if there was a connection other than it's a small fucking world."

"Well, maybe I can check into that." He grinned mischievously. I chuckled under my breath.

"If you must, Em, knock yourself out." It cracked me up knowing he was chomping at the bit to be a nosy motherfucker with his connections. "Now, move the fuck over before my parents wake up and start wondering about your sexual preference." He looked at me horrified and moved quickly to the other end of the sofa as I laughed at him.

We were all four startled by the sudden ding of the doorbell; my mother hopped up, shaking her head. "Edward, are you expecting someone else?" she questioned cautiously, but I shook my head. Although my logical mind knew better, my irrational side secretly hoped it was her. Nervous thoughts took hold of me and I jumped up, quickly making my way down the hall to the bathroom, where I splashed cold water on my face to clear my head. As I made my way back down the hall to the living room, I called to my mother, curiosity getting the better of me.

"Mom, who was at the do—" As I rounded the corner, the last word caught in my throat when I took in the scene before me. Emmett was looking at me, a curious smirk riddled across his face and my father was staring, mouth agape at someone else. Esme then turned to look at me with curiosity, revealing the beautiful woman standing behind her with the shoulder length strawberry blond hair.

"Hello, Edward," she said almost seductively and I gulped.

"T—Tanya? Uh, what the hell are you doing here?" Her smile fell a little and my mother shot me a warning glare. "Sorry," I muttered. "I mean, I, uh, I wasn't expecting you. How… how are you?"

Her smile returned and she shrugged. "I can't complain. I just moved back recently and thought I'd drop by to say hi." I just stood there stunned. _This_ I was not expecting.

I looked over at Emmett, who winked at me – _douche_ – and stretched his arms over his head. "Well," he grunted as he stretched. "It's past my bedtime. I better get going."

_Thanks a lot_, I mouthed to him, narrowing my eyes, and he shrugged, subtly pointing to his cell and raising his eyebrow, indicating he expected a call later. _Nosy fucker. And he has the nerve to call Jasper a girl_. I rolled my eyes as he made his way to my parents, shaking my father's hand and kissing my mother on the cheek

He nodded at Tanya. "Tanya, nice to see you again after, what's it been twelve, thirteen years now?"

She giggled and nodded. "Something like that. Nice to see you too, Emmett."

"Later, bro." He threw a nod in my direction, and then disappeared. _Humph, some friend he is._

Tanya and I stood looking at one another in awkward silence for a few moments until my father spoke up, clearing his throat. "Well, we're going to head to bed, right, Es?"

My mom nodded. "You kids take your time catching up." she said sweetly, but looked at me with sympathy. "Edward, you'll lock up when you leave?"

I nodded. "Sure mom. Goodnight," I muttered as I kissed her on the cheek.

When my parents disappeared up the stairs I turned toward Tanya who made her way a little closer to me, an uncomfortable proximity, so I scratched the back of my head nervously and looked away. "Uh, so can I get you anything to drink? Are you hungry? We…we have plenty of food left." I was kicking myself internally for being such a blundering idiot when all I wanted to be was a polite _host_, now that my parents had left me here alone with her. What the fuck could she possibly be doing here? I had a nagging feeling that something wasn't right here.

"I would love some coffee, if you have some," Tanya replied smiling. The fact that her eyes were raking over my entire body hadn't escaped me and it was making me nothing but more uncomfortable. I excused myself to get her a cup of coffee, but turned back abruptly. "Uh, how do you take it?"

She looked surprised and even a little hurt. "You don't remember?"

I shook my head. "Tanya, I haven't seen or talked to you in a very long time. I apologize for not remembering how much sugar you want in your coffee, but I don't." Her eyes looked sad, and I felt like an asshole. I had, after all, broken her heart to eventually be with Bella. _Fate's a twisted motherfucker, apparently. Just when I was about to be free to love Bella the way I wanted to, the way she deserved, Tanya shows up to – no doubt – complicate things further. _Nevertheless, I tried to lighten things by adding, "Besides, people's tastes change, yeah?"

She smiled at that and nodded. "Two sugars and a little milk, please."

I went into the kitchen and prepared two cups of coffee, figuring this was going to be a long night for no other reason other than she would want to know every detail of what I had been up to over the past twelve years and I would feel obligated to ask her the same. "What the fuck is she really doing here?" I whispered aloud to myself as I picked up the coffee cups and took them into the living room.

Sure enough, an hour later, after we had wondered around the house that Tanya used to know very well, and after she had sufficiently snickered at some old, fucked-up looking pottery things I had apparently made when I was a child…things that my mother apparently still had proudly on display – I made a mental note to somehow dispose of those items without Esme noticing – we found ourselves in Carlisle's study. The thought didn't escape my mind that this was where Tanya and I had spent a lot of our time actually studying…among other things while the parents were out of the house…when we were young, so it almost seemed natural for us to drift in that particular direction. I tried to stifle those thoughts, however, and even looking at her soft, glossy lips made me miss Bella's more perfect mouth that much more.

I ended up divulging almost every detail of my life since I had seen her last, up to the present, and she was still asking questions. I left out a few things, the fact that I had slept with Victoria and had torn Bella's heart to pieces, as well as the fact that I was currently assisting Bella in being a cheating and battered wife. I didn't particularly feel like sharing those facts with Tanya Denali.

"So, you did it, huh? The doctor thing?"

I nodded. "Yep, it was so easy." I teased, making her giggle.

"I'm sure. Well, good for you." I nodded, not sure what else to say. She scooted a little closer to me on the soft, brown leather sofa and my nerves kicked into high gear again.

"So, you said you had a little boy, right?"

I grinned, unable to control the happiness that thoughts of him brought me. "Yeah, Kellan. Uh, he's eight now, actually he'll be nine in January."

"Wow, they grow so fast, huh? So, tell me about him."

I chuckled, "Oh, man, he's so great…" I went on to gush about the one thing in my life I was immensely proud of – my boy. I talked about how smart he was, and how he thought he was a professional skateboarder and so on. Tanya laughed when I tried to school her on the latest skate lingo because it was obvious that I had no idea what I was talking about.

"So," she began again. "You're not with his mom anymore?"

I clenched my jaw and shook my head. "No, that definitely didn't work out. Rosalie and I are not really all that compatible, you know?" I shrugged, not really wanting to get into the reasons why.

"Rosalie?" she asked as realization flitted across her lightly freckled face. I suddenly remembered how I used to love how her freckles would pop out in the summer. _Wait, what the hell am I thinking? Get it together, Cullen, think about Bella. _I shook the thought off and looked at her.

"Not Rosalie Hale," she said emphatically. I nodded. "Oh my god, really?" I nodded again. "Isn't she related to… to…"

"Bella," I interrupted her and her eyes flashed with a mixture of anger and pain at the sound of the girl's name…the girl I had broken her heart for.

She chuckled humorously. "Well, that must have been awkward, huh?"

I clenched my jaw briefly before nodding. "Yeah, well it's a very long, boring story," I offered, hoping she would drop it.

"Oh, I'm sure it is a long story," she continued, "but I highly doubt that it's boring." She nudged me in the shoulder with hers, now sitting close enough to me to do so. I scooted away from her subtly and she continued, "So spill it. I want to hear the story." She batted her long eyelashes at me and I took a breath, feeling a wave of nostalgia.

_Fuck_. I wished I could kick her out without seeming like a complete asshole. I couldn't let things get out of hand tonight. Finally I shook my head and looked at her, changing the subject quickly. "What about you, Tanya? We've talked about me this whole time. What've you been up to?" She blushed a little and proceeded to tell me that she had a five year old daughter, Journey, who was the light of her life. "Journey's an unusual, but beautiful name," I said. "How'd you come up with that?" I chuckled. "Don't tell me you named your child after a classic rock band." That earned me a laugh from her as well as a playful shove.

"Shut up!" she teased. "Well, I moved around a lot and I named her that because I seemed to always be on one, a journey, you know, self discovery and all that." She seemed to drift off into her memories and contemplation. I felt myself drifting with her and felt a hint of sadness for her – something I couldn't explain as I watched her began to wring her hands absentmindedly. I didn't need to remind myself that this girl before me was my life at one time, albeit we were young. That thought was weighing heavy on my mind because I couldn't help but feel there was another reason she had shown up at my parents' house on Thanksgiving at ten o'clock at night. The simple fact was that it didn't really matter to me what that reason was, because she could never again be to me what Bella was to me…would always _be_ to me.

"Anyway," she tore me from my reverie by continuing to verbalize her memories. "It didn't work out with Journey's father. He…he was abusive, and I got away from him for both of our sakes." She sighed heavily and my stomach dropped.

Was I cursed, or the women I had loved, rather? That both of these women would have to endure abuse from men that came after me? My heart ached for her. But it only sent my thoughts reeling in the direction of Bella once again. Tanya had apparently gotten out of her terrible situation; Bella hadn't and I was terrified that she wouldn't be able to. She had to. There simply was no other option.

"I'm so sorry, Tanya," I murmured wanting her to know that I was listening.

"Don't be," she replied quickly, looking a little too intently into my eyes. Again, I felt uncomfortable. I didn't want her getting the wrong idea here. "I got out, and that experience in my life helped shape who I am." She slid her palm down the side of my arm and looked at me lovingly. "You're still the same caring and concerned Edward I remember." My muscles stiffened under her touch, but she didn't seem to notice my discomfort.

"So," I began and cleared my throat. "Where did you go from there?"

She smiled sweetly. "Well, I was living in Minnesota at the time, Minneapolis, and I was kind of in a dark place, you know. I was struggling, trying to get myself back on track, being a single parent. It wasn't easy."

"I imagine not," I offered, nodding.

"Then I sort of had this epiphany one day and decided to try my hand in a new career. I went back to school and got my degree in social work; I wanted to help people that had gone though what I had."

"Wow," I muttered as I raised my eyebrow and shook my head. "That's, I mean, amazing Tanya. Good for you."

"Thanks. I'm kind of proud of myself for that." She shrugged.

"Well, you should be." I smiled at her genuinely, beginning to feel a lot more comfortable, and I wasn't sure I liked it at all.

"And what's even more amazing is that through time, I started reconnecting with old friends, you know, from school – even high school, online. I got really close, as close as you can be online, to this one guy." She blushed slightly. "I mean, we just reconnected in friendship and he came to visit me a few times. Finally, we realized we couldn't really be without one another." She giggled and looked away, lost in thought again. "So, I up and moved to Kansas City, Missouri. Can you believe that? It felt crazy and like a whirlwind, but it just felt…right."

I sat quiet for a moment, something sounded familiar. "I know exactly what you mean, Tanya." She smiled at me, but there was a hint of nervousness behind it. Then, I realized the similarity I was trying to place. The geography. Kansas City. Garrett had been living in Kansas City. I wondered out loud if she had ever run into him or talked to him. _Jesus, what a small world_. I was startled suddenly by Tanya placing her hand blatantly on my thigh just above my knee.

"Well, that's sort of why I came by." I froze from her physical touch.

"What? What do you mean?" I asked, furrowing my brow slightly.

"Edward, you have to promise me you won't get mad or upset, okay?" I was thrown by her absurd statement. What could I possibly get upset about involving Tanya, a woman I hadn't seen in umpteen years.

"Uh, okay," I replied, completely perplexed.

"Okay," she began and took a breath. "The guy that I moved to Kansas City for was Garrett Donovan."

I sat silent for a moment, and then everything started to fall into place. The strange way Garrett had acted toward me at our practice session; the way he evaded the questions about his so-called girlfriend; Emmett's remark about it being 'classified' information; Garrett's comment about telling us when he figured out how, and finally, Tanya showing up here so late. I wondered if he knew she was here, telling me this now. Finally, I broke my silence after Tanya's anxiety looked as though it was getting the better of her.

"Are you fucking serious?" I blurted out. She gasped, obviously thinking I was pissed.

"Edward, I'm sorry, it just, it just happened."

The raw concern on her face was amusing to me and I chuckled. "No, it's okay."

"It is?" she questioned skeptically, her concern changing over to confusion.

"Yeah, it is." I retorted, smiling and shaking my head. "That sly bastard. Why didn't he just tell me?" I mused, mainly to myself.

"Well, I think he was afraid you'd be pissed after our…history, and you guys were such good friends," she assumed.

"No, I'm not saying it's not fucked up, because it is, but I'm cool with it." I chuckled again, thinking of how I was going to bust his balls over it the next time I saw him. She looked a little hurt that I was taking it so well. Then, my curiosity got the best of me. "So, what? So, he sent you over here to get my blessing? Huh, what a puss." I sat shaking my head in silent amusement.

"Um, not exactly," she responded nervously, and I was suddenly, uncomfortably aware that her hand was still on my thigh. "I—I wanted to come see you Edward." She scooted impossibly closer to me and slid her hand slightly further up my thigh. I stiffened again and turned to look at her with a taut jaw. Her eyes were attempting to reel me in, communicating something I didn't want to…couldn't hear.

"Tanya, does Garrett know you're here?" I asked flatly.

"No," she whispered, and reached up, brushing a stray hair from my forehead. I closed my eyes and swallowed thickly, willing her to move away from me so I didn't have to be an asshole.

"I just," she whispered, "wanted to see you, to see if you missed me, if you ever thought about me. I—I needed to see what seeing you would do to me… and to you." _Fuck_. Her face seemed to be inching closer to mine and I couldn't seem to move. How did this bullshit always seem to land on my lap?

"And what's it doing to you, Tanya?" I asked apprehensively.

"I guess that depends on what it is doing to you, Edward. I've thought about you a lot since I, _we_, moved back."

I remained frozen. I couldn't believe I was even entertaining this shit in my head. It was as if I had the little devil sitting on my shoulder, telling me that Bella was still married, still with her asshole husband, and I had no guarantee she was going to be with me in the end. 'What's the harm,' the devil would say, 'when you don't even know that she's yours?' I needed the little angel on my other shoulder to talk me down from the ledge. No, I need to be a fucking man and tell her that in no way, shape or form was this happening. I finally came to my senses and grabbed her hand, holding it between mine and imploring her with my eyes to understand what I was about to say.

"Tanya, no. I can't let you do this to Garrett. I can't let you do this to yourself," I stated with conviction. Her eyes filled with sadness and remorse, but she remained mute. "Of course I've thought about you, wondered about you over the years, but that's just because I wanted the best for you. You'll always have a special place in my heart because you were my high school sweetheart, but Tanya, this is wrong. You shouldn't have come here without at least telling Garrett." I stood up and raked my fingers through my hair. A quiet sob made its way through her lips and I turned to face her, kneeling in front of her.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered, "I—I don't know what the hell I was thinking."

I shook my head. "I understand. You may be a little confused, moving back here and everything. But, you're in love with him right? You love him?" She nodded, sniffing. "And he's good to your daughter?"

She nodded again. "He's wonderful to her."

I smiled. Any girl that had Garrett was very lucky. He was an amazing person.

"Well," I said with raised eyebrows, "then hang on to him with everything you have. I'm happy for you both, and I would like us all to hang out together, possibly talk about how fucked up this is. You know how much shit he's going to get from Emmett? Let alone me?" She let out a breathy giggle and nodded knowingly. "You know, I'm completely in love with someone too."

Almost as if on cue, I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket and it startled me. As I pulled it out, Tanya quirked an eyebrow.

"Speak of the devil?" she smirked. I smiled as I saw Bella's name show up on my text message.

"Angel," I corrected. _Think what you will. Bella brought the cheesy motherfucker out in me._

_Hey, are you still at your parents? ~B_

I responded immediately that I was. She didn't text me back for a solid five minutes, and this was disconcerting to me.

Finally, I texted back, _Bella? It makes me worry when you don't answer back right away. ~E _

All the while, Tanya was eyeing me with a smirk. "You're like a giddy teenage boy," she remarked and laughed. I rolled my eyes, and suddenly, my phone rang. It was Bella.

"Hello there," I greeted her in my best sexy-voice. "How was your Thanksgiving, baby?"

"Edward?" Something was off. Her voice was shaking, she sounded out of breath. She sounded nasal, like she had been crying, and all the alarm bells were going off in my head.

"What happened?" I asked through clenched teeth, my elation immediately falling. "What the fuck did he do?"

"I need you, Edward." She began to cry into the phone.

"Okay, okay, calm down, baby. Just breathe. Do you want to meet me somewhere?" I glanced at Tanya, who was trying to pretend she wasn't listening; concern riddled her features.

"No, I'm almost to your parents' house." My stomach fell through my body and hit the floor. "Can you follow me back to mine? Please, Edward, I need you."

I shot Tanya a panicked expression and then addressed Bella. "What? But what about the kids…Jake?"

"The – the kids are with Charlie and Jake is gone; it's over, Edward, I—I can't talk about it over the phone," she almost yelled at me.

"Okay, baby. Yes, I'll follow you. Just let me get my shoes and stuff on."

"Okay," she sighed.

"I'll see you in a minute."

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!_ I pressed 'end' and looked at Tanya.

"Is…is everything okay?" she asked with wide, uneasy eyes.

"Not really, she has a crazy ex, it's, uh, it's a long story. I'm so sorry, Tanya but I kind of need you to leave. She's coming here and she's upset. If she sees you…I don't even know how she would take that."

"I totally understand." She nodded, and we made our way into the living room to gather her coat and purse. After she put her coat on, she turned and looked at me with gratitude clear in her eyes. "Thank you so much, Edward, for being so gracious and listening to me…and putting me in my place." She walked up to me quickly and flung her arms around my neck, which startled me a little, but I relaxed and gave her a light squeeze right back. She pulled away and looked me in the eyes, a sweet smiled spread across her lips. "I hope whoever your girl is, she knows how special you are. And I don't know what's going on, but I hope whatever it is tonight isn't too serious." She looked concerned. She really was incredibly beautiful and had grown more so since I had last seen her. Still, my heart was completely owned by another woman and I took comfort in the fact that she understood that completely now.

"Thanks, Tanya," I offered. "We're, uh, we're working on that." I waved her toward the front door and cocked my head to the side, slightly grinning. I knew I needed to get her out of there because if Bella so much as caught wind that she was here, it would unleash a shit storm like no other. I would probably welcome my death at the end of it.

As we reached the front door, I flicked the porch light on for her and turned the door knob slowly. As the door opened up completely to allow her exit, I noticed her gasp and followed her eyes to the scene just beyond the open door. Bella. Holy _shit_, _Bella_. Standing there on the porch. She squinted because of the light I turned on and shaded her face with her hand. When her vision cleared, she appeared to be stunned as she took in both myself and Tanya.

I immediately began to panic as her eyes darted from me to Tanya and back to me repeatedly.

"Bella, I…" I began, but clammed up; knowing absolutely nothing I said would make any difference whatsoever.

"Edward?" She asked, and then looked at the female next to me. "T—Tanya?" And suddenly, her eyes filled up with confused tears. Her chest began to heave and her face was a flaming shade of crimson; I had no idea what expression Tanya bore and to be honest, I didn't care. I couldn't tear my eyes away from Bella to save my life.

"Bella S-Swan?" I heard Tanya's question and immediately an image of hair pulling, nail-scratching, kicking and punching entered my mind. Normally, this would've turned me on, but not this time. This time, I was terrified and all I wanted was for Bella just to look me in the eye for more than a quarter of a second. I wanted her to see the truth in them before she came to the wrong conclusion. But it was too late for that and I knew; I knew beyond a shadow a doubt that I was thoroughly and completely fucked.

"I—I'm sorry, I… didn't know y—you had company, Edward." She sucked in a disparate breath as if she couldn't breathe, and let it out swiftly as if her lungs couldn't hold it in. She was beginning to hyperventilate and I knew it. I had to try and calm her down.

"Bella, please, listen to me," I said on my breath, knowing it was futile. I stepped toward her and she backed up, beginning to shake her head.

"I'm…I'm sorry," she kept repeating and shaking her head as she stumbled down the shallow front porch steps. I followed her onto the porch with my arms out stretched.

"Bella, please, baby, just stop and listen, _please_!" I reached for her and she yanked her arm away.

"Don't," she stated with tears splashing over her lids onto her cheeks. Just like that, she turned and sprinted back to her car. Without a second thought for Tanya, I sprinted after her.

"Wait!" I called as I ran and planted myself between her and her escape. "Listen to me, Bella, this is not…it's not…" I caught myself before I said the most ridiculous thing on the planet. _Think, Cullen, think, goddamn it!_

"Get out of my way, Edward!" she screamed through her tears.

"No! Bella, please," I begged. "You don't understand. Please just listen to me." I was on the verge of tears myself and didn't necessarily want this scene to go down in front of Tanya, but it looked as though what I fucking wanted wasn't at the top of the priority list. I cursed God again.

I was fucking desperate to make her stay and talk to me. So desperate, in fact, that when I noticed the keys in her hand, glimmering in the light of the moon, I snatched them out of her hand and held them tightly away from her. It was a complete asshole move, but I did it anyway. She gasped.

"Are you kidding me?" she shouted through her tears…tears that were stabbing me in the heart with each drop. "Give me my f—fucking keys, Edward!"

"No," I said as I clenched my jaw and shook my head tenaciously. "I can't let you leave, baby. I can't."

"Don't call me that!" She sobbed and hiccupped. All I wanted to do was pick her up and hold her, and I knew without a doubt that I would certainly welcome my death after this. She said those same words to me all those years ago when she ran away from me – like she was trying to do now – and it was killing me.

"Y—you don't have a choice. I h—hate you, Edward Cullen. I hate you! Now, give me my keys!"

I dropped my hand. _Fuck_, I needed her to stay so badly. I wanted to drop to my knees and wrap my arms around her legs to paralyze her, but I knew that would possibly make things irrevocably worse.

"Bella, please, you _really_ don't understand," I pleaded softly as she snatched her keys back from me.

"No, I don't understand," she cried, "and I don't want to, now MOVE!" She shoved me in my chest and I sighed, clenching my jaw and shaking my head.

"Don't do this again, Bella. Please don't." My voice was thick with emotions I couldn't even describe and she gasped at my statement. I thought for a moment that I had gotten through to her, but she furrowed her brow and shook her head. Her beautiful mouth, that I longed for her to open and tell me she would listen, was fixed in a mixture of anger, betrayal, and sadness. She didn't say another word, only flung her car door open, threw herself inside and sped off into the night.

I stood there, watching her tail lights disappear in horror. I just stood there, frozen in time, frozen in the past and raked my fingers through my hair, fisting my hands in it.

"What are you doing?" I heard Tanya's voice behind me and turned around. Her palms were upraised and she was looking at me incredulously.

"I, I don't know what to do." I stated in a daze, not really recognizing my own voice.

"You have to go after her!" she exclaimed. I continued to stand there, unable to unclench the muscles in my entire body long enough to get my legs to move. I stared at her as she raised her eyebrows at me and pointed toward the street. "Edward, go!" she practically yelled at me and finally, I snapped out of it. I was a stupid fuck for allowing her to leave in the first place and even more stupid for standing there, letting the time go by. I nodded my head and sprinted past her into the house. I grabbed my keys and my leather jacket and ran out the front door again.

I locked the door with shaking hands, hoping that none of this exchange had awakened anyone. The house was still quiet when I went back in, though. I was certain everyone was still sleeping peacefully. Tanya was already opening her car door when I got back outside. As I ran past her to mine she hollered one more time at me.

"Edward!" I stopped and looked at her expectantly. "Don't you dare let her go again." She looked at me pointedly and I nodded.

"Never," I stated, matter-of-factly. She was right and I knew it. I could never let her go. I would die trying to keep her. I was no better than Jacob in that instant and I didn't care. I slammed my foot on the gas pedal, needing to get to her faster than time would allow. She would listen to me, she had to. There was no other option. I kept repeating it to myself over and over until I believed it, but deep in my heart, I wasn't so sure.

No, I _was_ sure, goddamn it.

She was going to listen to me. I wasn't going to let her run away from me like she did before and shut me out of her life for ten more fucking years. I wouldn't survive it.

I didn't know if her douchebag husband was home or not, but, from what I had gathered, he probably wasn't. Even if he was, I would definitely fucking handle that.

Speaking of the asshole – Jacob Black – _something_ had happened. She was upset initially before this bullshit misunderstanding and I needed to know what was going on. Something definitely had happened. Obviously something fucking big for her to say he was gone – that it was over between them now, before she had planned for it to be, and I needed to be able to comfort her. Thanks to this particular shit-storm, however, that opportunity was being taken from me.

It felt like a fucking lifetime had passed as I pulled into her driveway, gripping the steering wheel like my life depended on it, and saw her car sitting there. A lifetime of trying to figure out how to salvage something I couldn't live without.

XXXX

I just started knocking.

I stood there and knocked on the goddamned door until I thought my knuckles would bleed; until I felt like a whole other lifetime had passed. Finally…_finally_, I heard her, but the viciousness in her tone was not what I wanted to hear. It was what I expected, but not what the fuck I wanted.

"Just stop!" I heard her scream from inside, and I did – for a split second I froze and lost my breath. She sounded a million miles away.

After coming to my senses, I just started talking, begging her to let me in.

"No!" I heard her again, but this time, I heard the sobbing. I wanted to tear down the door to get to her, but I just continued to beg.

I told her what she thought she saw was nothing, that it wasn't what she thought and, just as I had predicted, it sounded fucking idiotic as hell. I cursed myself.

"I don't want to talk to you, Edward!" I heard the quiver in her voice, but at that moment was more caught off guard by the close proximity of it. My hope soared when I realized she had moved closer, but dwindled once her words sunk in.

This wasn't the spunky, smart-assed Bella that turned me on. This was a livid, confused and hurt Bella that was overreacting and shutting me out. Quite honestly, it was pissing me off a little that I was standing out here, freezing my fucking ass off, begging her to give me another chance when I really hadn't done anything wrong. My frustration got the better of me and I let my head fall forward with a thud onto the door. I slammed my palm against the wood as I cursed and mumbled to myself how I was going to stand out here all fucking night long if that was what it took.

I was startled when the door finally gave way, and found myself staring into her deep blue eyes. I could tell from those eyes, however, that she wasn't giving in so easily. I decided to try and play on her sympathy, since I was running out of shit to say to try and get her to let me in, so I told her the truth – I was fucking _freezing_. I really was. My balls were crawling their way up into my abdomen to try and find warmth.

By the grace of God she let me in, and all I wanted to do was sweep her up into my arms, but thought better of it. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. Her eyes, however, where swimming in tears and it was eating away at my soul.

"You deserve to freeze," she said softly, agony in her tone, and I had to agree with her. What the fuck else could I do? I ran my hands through my hair – which was all over the goddamned place since I'd been doing it compulsively for the past twenty minutes – as I stepped through the doorway.

She backed away from me and through the large, arched doorway leading into an enormous family room area. I had never been inside the house before, even when Jacob and I were friendly. Although what I could see of it was quite beautiful, I couldn't focus my attention on anything but the broken, angry girl in front of me. The girl who would inadvertently kill me if she gave up on us now, but the girl who was threatening, with every essence of her being, to do just that.

She wrapped her arms around her torso so tightly that I feared she would crush her own ribs. I fucking reached out to her, begging, palms up, to let me hold her, but she backed up even more and shook her head. "No, stop," she mumbled as she averted her gaze.

"Look at me, Bella," I said ruefully.

"No," she replied, still looking anywhere but my eyes.

"Don't you have somewhere else…some_one_ else to be with?" she snarled.

I couldn't believe she would say something like that. I clenched my teeth. "Of course I don't. You know that." I sighed and ran my hands through my fucking hair again. "Bella, you've overreacting."

"Am I?" she snapped. Her eyes flashed with anger as she glanced at me quickly, then away again. "What…was it just a _quickie_ then? Blast from the past, perhaps?" Her comment stabbed me straight in the heart and I grabbed my chest reflexively.

"Stop it, Bella. You should know better than that, baby, please. Just fucking listen to me!"

"I don't know anything anymore! I don't know anyone I thought I did!" She began to cry and hugged herself more tightly.

"You know me," I said in return. My own voice was beginning to break with emotion. I knew I wasn't going to be able to keep it together for very long.

She shook her head. "No…no!" she cried out.

"Yes." I took a step toward her and her body visibly stiffened. _Fuck_, I was losing her with every passing second. "I don't want her. She knows that and _you_ know that." The space between us was excruciating.

"You've said that before," she hissed, twisting the knife in my chest. I gasped, trying to figure out what the fuck to say to that, because she was right. But I _had_ to try to fix this, so I took a deep breath as I attempted to explain.

"I meant it then and I mean it now. Absolutely nothing happened. You need…just please hear me out."

She laughed, humorless and cold. It sent a surge of panic coursing through me. "Now you sound like Jacob." Her words hit a nerve and anger ripped through my body as I balled my hands into fists. No way was she ever comparing me to that motherfucker.

"Don't you _ever_ compare me to him! I'm nothing like him, Bella!" I growled through my teeth, my brow furrowed in both anger and confusion as to why she would be so fucking cruel. She flinched at my harsh words and her eyes widened in shock. I suddenly felt like the biggest asshole on the planet. I had no idea what the douchebag had put her through tonight and here I was, practically yelling at her. "Baby, I'm sorry. Look, I didn't even know she was going to show up there tonight. I didn't want her to stay, but I didn't want to be a fucking dick either."

"How nice of you," she spat as she unclenched her arms from her torso and crossed them in front of her, glaring. Her anger was quickly replacing her sadness and hurt. I felt it resonating from her, crushing me like an invisible force.

I walked toward her again and she didn't back up this time. Feeling a wave of relief, I reached up and brushed the backs of my fingers down the side of her face gently. She shuddered slightly and sighed, closing her eyes. "Bella, please just stop being like this. I need you."

My relief was short-lived as she shrugged away from my touch and increased the distance between us, turning her back on me and leaving my hand frozen in mid-air. I clenched it into a fist and dropped it to my side, releasing a frustrated sigh of my own.

"What happened, Edward?" she whispered with her back to me.

I groaned. "I told you, _nothing_ happened. We…talked. Caught up on our lives." She whipped around suddenly, her shocked gaze burning holes in me and I wondered if she could see it all over my face. I felt so fucking guilty about Tanya being there, about her touching me, even though I wouldn't have ever let anything happen. I felt like she was reading my thoughts like some scandalous news story. I kept talking, trying to make the intensity in her stare soften, however my words did nothing but fuel her rage, which seemed to be bubbling just under the surface. "She, she actually came over to tell me—"

"To tell you she's back and she wants to be with you? Am I right, Edward? And you sat there and talked to her? Entertained her for God only knows how long? How can you say nothing happened? I don't believe you, Edward!" She gasped and her chest began to heave. She was trembling all over. I could see it from where I stood a few feet away from her. Her expression had changed from anger to devastation. She truly believed what she was saying. She wasn't giving me a chance to tell her the truth before cutting me off mid-sentence and I was close to snapping myself.

"No, you're wrong, goddamn it! Why won't you just fucking _listen_ to me?" I snarled in frustrated indignation. She began to shake her head frantically, her face bright red. Tears welled up in her huge sapphire eyes and crashed onto her cheeks.

"No, I think this…this is a mistake," she mumbled.

I was stunned. _No!_ My entire body screamed in protest. I didn't want to believe what she was saying, but I knew…I fucking knew what she meant. I panicked and at that moment, my whole fucking world shattered and crashed around me. I wouldn't give up. I couldn't give up. My will for her was too strong. I had too much invested in this to let her throw it all away for some motherfucking misunderstanding.

"What do you mean, _mistake_, Bella?" My voice betrayed me as the panic bubbled up into my throat. "You can't mean me, us?"

"Everything!" she screamed. "Everything, Edward! My whole life… I—I've made so many mistakes my whole life. I can't…I can't afford to make another one…"

_Please, God, don't say it, _I begged her in my head.

"…with you!"

Even though she was sobbing, I couldn't control myself. I lashed out at her with what sounded like fury, but in all honesty was pure unabashed fear. "But, _I'm_ not a mistake, Bella! Maybe him, but not fucking _me_!" I was shouting now. I couldn't help it. "How can you even _say_ that? I don't care what we've done! What I've done or what you've done, Bella! _You're_ not a mistake to me! I fucking love you and I always will, until the day I take my last breath!"

She just kept shaking her head, sobbing uncontrollably, and I didn't know what the fuck to do. "No, no, no," she choked out. "I can't k—keep making m—mistakes. I can't keep worrying that y—you're going to hurt me…that I—I'm going to hurt you!"

I fisted my hands in my hair and held my breath. This was turning into the worst goddamned night of my life and I was standing so close to the edge of the cliff that my feet were halfway over it. Jagged rocks and swirling tide awaited me at the bottom. "_Fuck!_ No, Bella, please listen to what you're saying! Why are you doing this?" I was losing control, losing her. "You're not making any sense! _Jesus_, please don't fucking do this. I'm begging you to listen to me!" I wanted to grab her, to shake some sense into her, to make her understand that she was killing me. "You don't have to worry with me, baby. Nothing fucking happened! _Christ_, I can't even believe we're having this conversation." I turned around, facing the wall and let my head fall forward onto it with a harsh thud – as I'd done outside.

I began to mumble, unsure if she could hear me or not, but hoping like hell she could. There seemed to be no strength left in my vocal cords. "She came over to tell me that she's with _Garrett_ for Christ's sake. I'm not in love with her; I'm in love with you and I fucking told her that. I told her that I was hopelessly in love with someone else and she's in love with Garrett. I love you so fucking much, Bella, I—"

"What?" she asked so quietly that I had to turn around to make sure she actually really had spoken. She was looking at me completely befuddled and in shock.

"I said I love you," I replied.

"No," she shook her head. "Before that – Garrett?" I nodded. "Garrett, your old friend?" I nodded again. "Oh." She was quiet for a few seconds before she drew in a breath, searching my face. She looked away as if lost in thought. I remained silent, staring at her, not sure what the fuck I was supposed to do. "Why would she come to your parents' house on Thanksgiving night to tell you she was with Garrett?" Her tone was still accusatory, just less intense. She struck a nerve again. I guess I'd had enough of her accusations.

"I don't fucking know, Bella. It was fucking bizarre to me too. You see, that's all it was. She was leaving when you showed up and didn't give me a chance to explain. You were going to say goodbye to me over a goddamned misunderstanding! Why? I do know one thing," I spoke with the same intensity I felt. "I know _I_ love you. I know I can't fucking live without you, but what about you? You can say goodbye so fucking easily? You're scaring the shit out of me!"

She let out a whimpering cry as she wrapped her arms around her body, and began to sink to the floor. "I'm sorry…I just thought…and Jake…I'm so…I'm so fucked up right now!" She began to shake uncontrollably again as she cried and I realized, finally, what was happening. She was overreacting and jumping to conclusions because of whatever it was that had happened – something traumatic, obviously – and now that she understood what had really gone on with Tanya, she needed me more than ever.

I ran to her and dropped to my knees, wrapping my arms around her. "Baby, it's okay. Talk to me. Tell me what happened." I was kissing the top of her head all over and stroking her hair. I ran my hand slowly over her hair down the back of her head, when I felt a very distinct bump. "What the fuck happened to your head?" I growled and my stomach turned. _That motherfucker._

She lifted her head and stared at me with tear-filled eyes. They looked so much like the ocean, turbulent waves crashing around and fighting against one another. "I'm sorry I didn't believe you, Edward. I'm such a jerk. I love you so, _so_ much."She struggled to control her voice but it was futile.

"It's okay, baby," I said softly, wiping her tears away. It sounded ridiculous because it was definitely not okay, but she was so fragile right now, I just needed to make sure she was alright. "Talk to me, please, tell me what happened," I said for the second time.

"He got someone pregnant," she blurted out.

"What. The. Fuck?"

"Edward, all I want right now is for you to kiss me, please?" I couldn't believe my ears. He really was a dumb motherfucker, but I was more interested in kissing my girl than hearing about how he'd done the stupidest thing he could've ever done – besides put his hands on Bella. So, I cupped her face with my palms and leaned in. As soon as our lips touched, I felt the jolt, the electricity that I only ever felt with her, and my body relaxed instantly.

I was at home in her arms.

As she parted her lips to give my tongue access, she moaned. Her sweet breath washed over me and her soft mewling sounds went straight to my dick as it twitched in anticipation. I wanted to curse it, but I couldn't. I needed this shit and so did my dick. She pulled my bottom lip in between hers and lightly scraped her teeth across it as she pulled back slightly.

"Fuck, baby," I groaned. "I need you so badly." The twitch became an uncomfortable throb as she reached up and tangled her fingers into the back of my hair. I traced her top lip with my tongue and she moaned, whispering my name as she turned her head so that I could kiss her deeply.

My night had suddenly taken a turn from the deepest bowels of hell to the highest glory of heaven as we sat there, on the floor, tangled in each others arms and lips.

She pressed herself against me, moving ever so slightly so that she was straddling me. The soft material of the light blue track suit she was wearing was thin enough that I could feel her heat, even through my jeans, and my dick was screaming to be let out. "I need you too," she whispered against my mouth.

I moved my hands gingerly down her back and up, underneath her jacket and thin t-shirt, feeling her creamy, delicate skin against my palms. Heaven. I could've stayed there just like that all night long, but the urge to pick her up and slam her against the nearest wall after I slipped all her clothes off was too great to ignore. She began moving her lips along my jaw and they took purchase just below my ear, where she nipped my skin with her teeth gently and sucked. I hissed and trailed my fingertips back down her back until I reached her supple ass. I dug my fingers into her cloth-covered skin and thrust myself against her, causing her to toss her head back and softly cry out in pleasure.

That was all the go-ahead I needed, so I slid out from under her and stood. She looked up at me with lust filled eyes and I bent over, grabbing her by her upper arms to pull her up as quickly as I could and find the closest wall to shove her sexy body against. Instead of meeting my passion with her own, she cried out in pain and pulled away from me, holding her arms and gasping.

"What?" I asked confused and concerned. But realization struck me as she began to rub her arms repeatedly, her face contorted in pain. "Oh my God, did I hurt you?" I didn't understand. Even in the throes of passion, I had been cognitive of her bruised arms and had avoided that area when I grabbed her. It didn't matter, however. I obviously _had_ harmed her. I reached over and removed her hands, rubbing her arms for her. "Baby, I'm so sorry! Goddamn it," I cursed myself for being such a hormonal asshole and subsequently being too rough.

"No, not you," she said as she sighed shakily. Her voice cracked as she continued. "Jake, he…" she trailed off.

I stopped my movement abruptly and stared at her, furrowing my brow. "_What?_ What the fuck did he do to you, Bella?" It dawned on me suddenly, like a punch in the motherfucking gut. Her head. "He fucking hurt you again," I stated, almost too calmly, but my breath was increasing ten-fold.

"I'm okay, Edward," she said cautiously.

"No." I shook my head in defiance and clenched my jaw. "What did he do? Tell me!" I raised my voice and it startled her, which, of course, made me feel like a fucking asshole.

"He pushed me against the wall," she replied quietly. "I hit my head." I felt the familiar rumble in the pit of my stomach, but tried to hold it in as much as possible for her sake.

"And your arms?" I raised my eyebrows authoritatively.

"He grabbed them, but I'm, really, I'm okay."

I didn't even give what I did next a second thought. I unzipped the jacket of her track suit and pulled it down over her arms. "Christ!" I gasped when I saw the huge red marks on them. The motherfucker had squeezed her arms so tightly that it had caused petechiae – tiny red dots, caused by blood leaking to the surface of the skin from the second layer – to form. That shit was already starting to bruise, and it was going to bruise badly when all was said and done. "Goddamn him!" I shouted as I ran my hands through my hair and turned to pace the floor.

She was staring at me, wide-eyed when I turned back to her. I ran my fingertips over her damaged skin and she flinched slightly. I proceeded freak the fuck out. I felt a sob grip my chest with so much force that I nearly doubled over. I clenched my teeth, trying to force myself to calm down, trying to keep it in, but I couldn't. My head began to pound and when I opened my mouth to speak again, the words came out in a strangled choking sound.

"I'm going to fucking kill him, I swear to God, Bella." I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her to me. I couldn't stop the fucking tears this time as they pooled in my eyes and splashed over my lids onto my cheeks. "Fuck, I'm so sorry, baby, I'm so fu— so sorry I wasn't here…to pro—protect you," I stammered the broken words through my choking cries. I didn't fucking care that I was being a pansy-ass motherfucker in front of her, crying like a bitch. I wanted her to see how much it hurt me, what she went through.

"Oh, no, no, shh, Edward…" she cooed in my ear. She grabbed my cheeks and pulled my head down, kissing me softly. "I'm okay, I promise you, I'm okay. Baby, don't cry." Her voice cracked again. I stopped sniveling long enough for my rage to take hold again.

"Where the fuck is he, Bella?" I demanded. "Because I'm going to fuck him up for this."

She sighed and looked at me. "He's in jail, Edward."

"Huh?" I asked, stunned.

"He wouldn't leave, so after I pulled my gun on him and he still refused, I called the cops."

"After you did _what?_" I was trying to process her words, but I was obviously having some difficulty.

"Well, I didn't necessarily want to shoot my kids' father, as much of a lying bastard as he is. I didn't think my babies would ever forgive me for killing their daddy," she replied quickly. The words stung a little, but I brushed them off. "You'll never guess who arrested him," she continued.

"Who?" I asked, intrigued.

"Sam and Sergeant Hawkins…Heather."

"_What? Sam?_" I couldn't believe my ears. She nodded. I rubbed my forehead, completely astonished. "Okay, back up a little. What started all this? And who the fuck is pregnant?" She cringed a little when I said it and I gazed at her apologetically.

"No one's pregnant," she sighed.

"I'm sorry. I'm a little confused here, you said—"

"We…well _he_ invited Leah and her dad to Thanksgiving dinner at Charlie's. Leah, of course, brought her little boy, who just turned five the other day." I wasn't sure why, but I still wasn't following all that well and I furrowed my brow, trying to make sense of it. What she said next made my stomach drop to my knees. "He looks identical to Jacob. Alice and I did some calculating, Al confronted them – at dinner, no less – and it turns out that my _wonderful_ husband fucked Leah on Saint Patrick's Day right after the twins were born. _And_, he knocked her up! Can you believe that?" She looked at me, waiting for a reaction. I was so dumbfounded that I couldn't speak for a moment, but not because it surprised me. When I did finally speak, it was obvious that my brain had gone on goddamned vacation.

"Yeah, I can believe it. I was there that night," I blurted out, like a fucking moron.

She stepped back, away from me. As I watched her body become rigid again and her face contort into a confused look of shock and anger, I knew I had made a grave mistake. My heart stopped and my stomach flipped as I realized that this was not going to end well.

"What? You were there when he, when he had _sex_ with her?"

"No!" I shook my head vehemently. "No, I didn't know that…for sure." I cringed. Fuck. Why didn't I just act surprised?

"Then what?" Her face was beginning to flush. "You better fucking tell me, Edward," she hissed.

The familiar fucking twinge of panic was back again, surging through me as I began to ramble. "I was at the club that night. I saw him with Leah. He was all over her and it made me sick. He left with her and I guess went to Sam's, but that's all I know. I figured he must have done something and I hated him for it, but I didn't think anything like this would happen, Bella. I couldn't have done anything. He wouldn't have listened to me." I spoke quickly, trying to get it all out in one breath.

"You could have told me! That day in the park, when I said I met with her, you knew then. You could have said something, Edward!" she yelled.

I felt horrible, like I had betrayed her. "I know, I'm sorry." I nodded. "I just…didn't feel it was my place."

"Not your _place?_" She was seething, her chest was heaving as she narrowed her eyes and glared at me. "All this time, these past two weeks she's been coming here to my house and I've been talking to you…you knew? You knew and you never told me?" Her voice was getting more and more frantic and I didn't know what to say to calm her.

"I didn't know for a fact what he'd done, Bella." I tried to reason with her.

"But you knew he had been with her! I—I can't fucking believe this!"

"Bella, you can't be mad at me for what he did." My voice was pleading now.

"I think you should leave," she spat, crossing her arms in front of her chest again. Her eyes were on fire in a very bad way.

_Fucking great. _We were back to that again.

"Baby, no, don't do this again."

"I _want_ you to leave. I need to think. I—I don't want to _talk_ to you. I don't even want to _look_ at you." I walked toward her with my arms outstretched, like a fucking pussy. If I could just hold her, calm her, she would get past this. She slapped my hand away and snapped. "I said get OUT!"

"Bella," I began, but her eyes flashed blue fire.

"NOW!" she screamed. "Get out, Edward!" She began to shove me toward the door and I couldn't fight her. I was afraid I would hurt her worse than she already was hurt and quite frankly, I was stunned beyond belief that she was freaking the fuck out like she was. She opened the door and shoved me in the chest one last time as I stepped willingly but un-fucking-willingly backward onto the porch. Right before she slammed the door in my face, I noticed tears streaming down her cheeks and my heart shattered into a million pieces.

"Fuck!" I yelled into the night as I fisted my hair so tightly it was painful. I just stood there, stunned for I don't know how long. Finally, I sighed, defeated and broken, and turned toward my car. When I got to it, I stopped. I couldn't even bring myself to open the driver's door and get in it. I was frozen, debating on whether I should go back and beat the goddamned door down to make her listen to reason or just leave. "This is fucking ridiculous," I muttered to myself, pissed off at the entire situation.

I was angry at myself for not telling her about this shit between Jake and Leah sooner, at her for not giving me the benefit of the doubt; I was angry at Jacob, at Leah, at Tanya. I was just pissed off. As my rage built and coursed through my limbs, I felt like I needed to hit something. I needed to just rail on something and since that bastard-ass piece of shit Jacob Black wasn't right here in front of me, I decided to go ahead and take my frustration out on what was: my car.

Just as I reared my fist back, ready to unleash on the metal and glass in front of me, I heard the best sound in the entire world. _Because I'm a pussy-whipped idiot._

"Edward!" she cried out as she flung the door open. I spun around and my eyes found hers as she stood on the porch, crying and shaking her head.

"Bella," I whispered. The lump in my throat was impeding any sound trying to emerge.

"Wait!" she screamed. I took a step toward her, unsure of what to do. She sprinted off the porch and hurtled toward me as I continued to stand there, like a fucking idiot. "I don't want you to leave!" she cried out again as she threw herself into my arms. I wrapped my arms around her as she curled her legs around my waist and held her tightly. "Please don't leave, I need you to stay, please stay, I'm so sorry," she whispered.

I said nothing, only buried my nose into her hair and breathed her into my lungs. The air I needed; the life I needed. I stood there, holding my broken girl, grasping onto her with a force no one could ever tear apart, and hanging on for dear life.

XXXX

_***Chapter end notes: So, yeah. That one took a lot out of me. Hope you guys liked it and weren't cursing me too much. I redeemed myself there at the end, yeah? Hehe. Reviewers get to yank Bella out of Docward's arms, as her punishment for not listening to him, and have their way with him. How fun would that be? **_

_**Okay, so Bella's back next chapter with a tantalizing expansion on the lovely ending of this chapter (say that three times fast!), and that near-lemon was hardly comparable to what's coming. *smirk* So stay tuned. There will be some fluff for a little while coming up, which I'm sure you'll appreciate after the preceding fucked-upness, as Docward calls it. (He's such a brooding ass sometimes) I'm not promising a chapter next week, however, I will try my best. I'm still working on it as we speak, so I will try not to be too late. **_

_**In the mean time, go check out this fantasticly angsty (with a kind of funny Bella - in a fucked-up way) fic called Ricochet, by Jenndur. Just a heads up, though. This is a very OOC Bella. Much love until next time!**_


	45. Chapter 41, Best Mistake I Ever Made

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past **

**Chapter 41, "Best Mistake I Ever Made" ~ Joanna Wang**

Bella's pov

_***A/N: Oh, you guys… I am so, so, so, so, SO sorry for how late this is. My only excuse is, well, life right now and a broken laptop that is severely taking its toll on me. I'm hoping some delicious lemonade might make up for it? Yes? And maybe and Epov outtake for reviewers? **_

_**To my betas, THEsnapcrakklepop, and fmneff…you ladies know how much I love you. You are so patient with me and have such encouraging words (not to mention funny as hell comments, 'specially when I make dumb-ass mistakes, which, sadly is every chapter *face palm*) and I am truly grateful to you. Srsly, like, you own my ass. XOXOXO**_

_**I have to tell you, I'm completely blown away by the amazing and thought out reviews I get and last chapter was no different. I am truly blessed to have some of the most articulate, intelligent and thoughtful readers out there. Thank you so much. **_

_**Okay, then…so we're backtracking a teensy bit here, but hope you like how Edward and Bella's night ended up. *Ahem* **__**GRAPHIC CONTENT WARNING**__** here. I wasn't kidding when I said lemonade. ;-) **_

_**Song Link, Best Mistake I Ever Made - www . youtube . com /watch?v=zB3FVEzh_8g (As always, delete the spaces. I particularly love this video because it's a Twilight one! Lyrics are in the description)**_

_**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended. This story may not be duplicated, copied, printed or otherwise reproduced without express written consent from the author. Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and its characters…I do not. **_©2009-2011 WickedCurveBall74/RobsMyEdibleArt, All rights reserved worldwide.

XXXX

"_One step too far…all at once I'm falling,_

_Just like a star…I'm burning for you,_

_I thought I could keep myself from feeling this way,_

_I guess that was my first mistake,_

'_Cause suddenly I'm walking…down a dark street to your door,_

_Wanting you is driving me insane,_

_And now my feet are standing where they've never stood before,_

_Guided by a twist of fate,_

_If I lose myself with you tonight…fall apart or hold on tight,_

_Wrong or right, I won't be afraid…'cause even if my heart should break,_

_You'd be the best mistake I ever made,_

_I'm in your room…now there's no denying,_

_What's in your eyes…when I look at you,_

_Two shadows talking but they don't make a sound_

_Words have lost their meaning now,_

_And the air has turned electric…now I know the time is right, _

_To put myself into your hands,_

_And suddenly I'm shaking…as your fingers touch my skin,_

_I don't need to understand,_

_But if I lose myself in you tonight…fall apart or hold on tight,_

_Wrong or right, I won't be afraid…'cause even if my heart should break,_

_You'd be the best mistake I ever made,_

_And if tomorrow proves me wrong…I swear I don't belong…I know I'll carry on,_

_So I will lose myself and bare my soul…take this chance 'cause heaven knows,_

_I'm so far gone, my choice is made…and even if my heart should break,_

_When I lose myself with you tonight…fall apart or hold on tight,_

_Wrong or right, I'll always say…you're the best mistake I ever made,_

_You're the best mistake I ever made…you're the best mistake I ever made."_

XXXX

"Please go away," I whispered as the knocking on the front door continued. It had been going on now for the past five minutes, but I refused to acknowledge it. My heart told me who it was, but I refused to listen to it.

Maybe it wasn't him, maybe I was wrong and it was Jacob. But logic told me that Jake – if he already had gotten bailed out of jail, where he belonged – would never be so thoughtful as to actually knock on the door.

It had to be…no, I couldn't let myself feel it.

_How could I be so stupid again? How could I let myself get so close to what I thought I wanted, needed, only to have my heart handed back to me, bleeding and broken in a thousand pieces_?

Something in my gut had told me it was a bad idea to show up there. To show up at Edward's parents' house thinking the fairytale would be waiting with open arms. But I didn't listen. I didn't fucking listen. I should have listened because maybe I would have never known. Eventually, Edward may have told me that he spent who knew how much time with Tanya tonight, but maybe he wouldn't have. I would have preferred the latter.

_Ignorance really is bliss._

Actually witnessing the man you love holding the door open for his ex-love to leave because he had spent the evening with her while you were going through your own personal hell was _not_ bliss…at all!

When Edward opened the door and I saw Tanya standing there, staring at me with shock all over her face, my world stopped. It didn't register – what was going on – until he had begun to speak, to try and explain. I heard the panic, the guilt in his voice. I _heard_ it, but I didn't want to believe it. I couldn't believe my eyes, my ears. I didn't want to believe he could have done this to me again. After all we had been through; after everything he had said to me the past few weeks and after his behavior toward Jake and James – those who had tried to hurt me. He was so protective, so loving, but he managed to crush my world with one look.

All I could think to do at the time was apologize. _Apologize_ for interrupting whatever it was I had interrupted. I really didn't even want to know and I didn't want to talk to him now to find out. I didn't want to see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice as he told me he was tired of waiting for me. That Tanya was back in his life because I had waited too long.

Was that what he would say to me? Would he come over here at this hour to say that shit to my face? He probably would. He was fucking noble like that. He would feel that he owed me that much, when he didn't owe me a damned thing.

I didn't know what I was thinking or feeling anymore. It seemed like I was wrong about everything and I couldn't bear it again tonight. I couldn't bear another blow to my already shattered heart.

Like the masochist that I apparently was, I dragged myself from my large, painfully lonely bed and glanced down at it. I noticed the gun still lying there and sighed, walking around to where it lay. I just stared at it, not really sure why, until I finally reached down and picked it up with an unsteady hand. I secured it back in the safe and stored it under the bed. I honestly didn't want to look at the godforsaken thing ever again. I walked slowly down the hall, in a daze of sorts, and sat at the top of the stairs, staring mindlessly at the front door. The knocking had ceased for approximately thirty seconds, which seemed to be the pattern – knocking for a minute, silence for half a minute, and then knocking again. I startled a little when it started back up again, a bit more forcefully this time. I wasn't prepared to hear him call my name out through the door, but I heard just that and his tone made me crumble in an instant. I heard desperation, fear, love and I couldn't handle it.

"Just stop!" I shouted as a sob tore its way through my chest.

"Bella, please open the door." He had to have been yelling or talking loudly for me to be able to hear him so clearly, but it wasn't the volume that was shaking me to my core, it was the passion behind it. I was so angry, though, and so hurt that I didn't want to hear what he had to say.

"No!" I cried out again, hiccupping on my relentless, traitorous sobs.

"Bella, just let me explain what happened. It's not what you think! _Fuck_, that sounded so stupid, I know, just please let me in. I need you to know that it was nothing. Please, Bella, damn it!"

I moved from where I was sitting at the top of the stairs and was now standing right in front of the door. My hand seemed to move of its own accord as it lifted and moved toward the barrier separating Edward and me. I hadn't even realized I moved until I felt the sharp cold of the wood against my palm and I wanted to remove it, but the pull to him was like a magnet. I couldn't stop myself.

"I don't want to talk to you, Edward!" I lied through my tears. I gasped and jumped slightly when I heard a loud thump, followed by a bang against the door.

"Please! I fucking love you, baby, please don't do this."

I didn't respond to that simply because I could no longer talk. It seemed that my throat had closed completely. My hand involuntarily reached for the doorknob, but my head was protesting vehemently. I heard him mumbling behind the door, but couldn't quite make out what he was saying. Whatever it was, his tone again broke my heart. Despite my head's protests, my heart won the battle as my hand turned the knob slowly and I opened the door. As soon as my eyes met his, I was almost overcome with emotion…almost. I refused to let my anger go, however, and I fought against the electricity with everything in me as I narrowed my eyes to a glare. I was trying to keep my distance when all I wanted to do was fling myself into his arms.

He looked stunned, caught off guard that I had actually opened the door. He _looked_ like a complete mess; his hair was in disarray, more so than usual, like he had been running his hands through it compulsively. He looked afraid, hopeful and extremely spent, but most of all, he looked incredibly beautiful. He took my breath away.

"Why are you still here?" I said with contempt. He swallowed thickly before he spoke.

"I just…I couldn't leave it like that," he murmured softly.

"Leave it?" I asked, feeling a tinge of panic surge through me.

"Thinking what you're thinking," he replied in a near whisper.

"What am I thinking?" I asked coldly.

"Baby, please let me in. I'm freezing out here." The look on his face brought fresh, traitorous tears to my eyes, but I stood strong.

"You deserve to freeze," I stated stubbornly.

"I know." He nodded sadly, completely breaking me down with his imploring gaze. I moved out of the way of the door and gestured for him to come in. A relieved sigh escaped from his mouth as he stepped over the threshold, and he ran his hand involuntarily through his chaotic hair, but his hopeful eyes never left mine. I watched him unremittingly, hoping beyond hope that whatever he had to tell me would make every terrible moment of this night disappear. I fucking needed him so badly, but I couldn't let him see that. Not yet.

He tried to come toward me, to hold me I assumed, but I denied him. I was fighting within myself, fighting against everything that told me it was okay; every cell in my body that told me to listen to him and give him a chance. I was being stubborn even as he begged, even as he got angry and frustrated; the worst being when I said it – _he_ – was a mistake. How could I say such a thing to him? I didn't know where it came from. It stunned me almost as much as it stunned him when I said it and I was sorry instantly.

But, I wouldn't admit to that.

I was hurt and angry, confused and giving in to my fears.

It seemed he had almost given up on me when I finally allowed my ears to hear what had happened. Why Tanya was there and had shown up unannounced. She wasn't there to beg for Edward's love; she wasn't there to take the man I wasn't even sure belonged to me yet. She was in love with Garrett. _Garrett_. It hit me suddenly that I was wrong and I felt like the worst person on the planet.

He was right. How could I doubt him so easily? But I did; I doubted everything. I was a mess of emotions, but this man, this amazing man forgave me as if I hadn't hurt him with my petulance and distrust. But I had. I could see it in his burning emerald gaze. In hurting him, I hurt myself. He comforted me in a way I didn't deserve and I began to get lost in him.

I needed his touch, his lips on mine and he did as well, I could feel it. I felt it when his tongue explored mine; I felt it when I placed my thighs on each side of his, as we attempted to forget our worries there on my living room floor. It couldn't be forgotten, however, when Edward became overly passionate and began to pull me up from the floor. The burning and throbbing in my arms when he wrapped his long fingers around them was so intense that I couldn't stifle my cry of pain.

He panicked immediately, thinking he had hurt me, thinking it was his fault. I reacted without thinking. I wanted him to know that it wasn't his doing; however as I mentioned Jake, I watched Edward's eyes change from bright, liquid emeralds to hard, cold jade. I didn't want to tell him. I could see the rage boiling up in him, but he insisted and I told him what happened, what Jake had done. He didn't even ask permission as he pulled my jacket down over my arms.

I had been so exhausted when I got home from Charlie's that I stripped out of my clothes and threw on a t-shirt and a light blue velour track suit. Sort of grandma-ish, but I didn't care. I wasn't trying to be fashionable.

I watched Edward's face as his eyes fell upon the marks left on my arms. I watched as he squinted his eyes almost painfully, muttering exasperatedly and cursing Jacob. He started to lose control and it scared me. I felt an enormous amount of guilt because I caused him more pain than he deserved tonight. He wrapped his arms around me and I felt him release a shaky breath.

"I'm going to fucking kill him, Bella, I swear to God," I heard him mutter into my hair. I pulled away slightly. That was when I noticed them, the tears in his eyes, streaming down his face and through his days-old stubble. It was a sight that overwhelmed me.

Edward was crying.

He was hurting for me, with me, over what I had been through. Suddenly, I was the one comforting him, wiping his tears and wishing it would all go away…for him.

His rage returned shortly after, but as I told him what had gone on at Charlie's, and here at home, I saw his features change again from blatant anger to shock and – what looked like – fear. I understood the reason behind his change in demeanor when he essentially confessed to knowing something had happened between Jake and Leah. Questions circled in my head; the most prominent, blaring one being _why_. Why had he kept this from me? How could he not have told me about this? _A little heads up would've been nice._

My memory sparked, recalling the day we met at the park and how he reacted when I told him I was hiring Leah to help me. It all made sense now and it enraged me. His explanations weren't fucking working for me, and although in hindsight, the situation probably didn't constitute me throwing him out, I did it anyway. I was so angry that someone who felt so strongly about protecting me didn't feel it would be beneficial to disclose this information to me. I was blinded by my rage and by the time I realized I had overreacted again – because my head was a punch-drunk mess – I thought it was too late, and I panicked.

After I slammed the door in his face, I bolted up the stairs, to my bedroom. I slammed that particular door and flung myself onto my bed. Burying my face in a pillow, I let my frustrations out in a blood-curdling scream, like a love-sick teenager. I lay there like that for several minutes, trying to regulate my breathing. Once my head was somewhat on straight, I sat up and let myself think for a couple more minutes. That was when it hit me and my breath left me in a rush. I was being ridiculous. I needed him and I knew it. My heart had been trying to tell me this the whole time, but my stupid, stubborn head refused to process it.

How could I possibly toss him aside for keeping a secret from me when I was keeping the mother-load of a secret…the biggest and quite possibly the worst, most heartbreaking, knife-twist of a secret in the history of fucking secrets? I shuddered to think Jacob was right…I was a hypocrite. Just not in the way he had construed it. Okay, maybe that way too, but the kind of hypocrite I was, well it was deceitful and loathsome and abominable at best. _Jesus fucking Christ_, I had to tell him. I knew I did, but I had to get him back first.

God, I was terrified…so terrified to tell him, but I promised whoever was up there in the universe causing this shit to happen in my life, that I would tell him…I _would tell him and I would pray that he would stay_…that he would stay and let me comfort him while he grieved the loss of our child, while we grieved together, for the first time in almost eleven years.

I just had to get through this night with him, and then I would tell him.

Thinking he was already gone and I had possibly lost him, I flew out of the bedroom and down the stairs. It was a miracle that I didn't fall and break something as fast as I was traveling. When I flung the front door open and caught a glimpse of him, I screamed his name out on impulse.

"Wait!" I cried out as I ran toward him, flinging myself into his arms…his open and welcoming, loving and strong arms. It was at that moment that I realized what a lucky girl I was. Lucky in the most confounding of situations. I don't know how long we stayed like that – me wrapped around his warm, inviting body; him holding me tightly and shushing me as a parent would a distraught child, both of us drinking each other in. I barely noticed the cold, bitter air until my body shivered slightly, even in his warm embrace, and I remembered just how underdressed I was for the outdoor temperature. My shoeless, sock-clad feet were nearly frozen solid.

"Let's get you inside," he whispered into my ear, and a chill of a different kind swept over me.

He pressed himself into me against the front door and groaned in response to my open-mouth kisses on his exposed neck. Fumbling with the door knob, he finally got it to concede, and it flew open, smacking against the stop and bouncing back. He stumbled inside and proceeded to kick it shut, his hands tangled in my hair and his lips now attached to my jaw. I moaned at the feel of his hot lips against my cool skin and squeezed my legs around him tighter, seeking acquisition for the throbbing that had taken center stage.

I needed him. I wanted him more than I wanted air in my lungs and blood in my veins. He _was_ the air in my lungs and the blood in my veins. Beyond my two children, this man was my life and it terrified me to think that I had almost thrown that away tonight. I tried to put that out of my mind as Edward's hands roamed my back, down to my ass and back up repeatedly. His lips made their way to the corner of my mouth and I parted mine, welcoming his delicate, velvety tongue with reverence.

A thought struck me suddenly and I pulled back a little, my mouth still attached to his. "Deadbolt," I muttered breathlessly, wanting to make sure we were securely inside. Not that it would make any difference if Jake chose to come back here tonight. Still, I prayed that he wouldn't because somebody would surely lose their life in that scenario.

Edward turned us around and swiftly pressed me up against the door, grinding into me, eliciting a moan from my mouth which vibrated against his. I was officially lost in him as he pulled us away from the door, walked the six or so feet to the carpeted stairs and began a wobbly ascent towards the second floor. My hands made their way down his back to his amazing, denim clad ass, where I dug my fingers in and attempted to grind, desperate for friction. He hissed, stopping mid-step.

"Fuck this," he muttered as he gently laid me down on the stairs and held my head for support, continuing in a low growl, "I want to take you right here." The heat of his words sent sparks through my body.

"Do it," I whispered against his ear, making him shiver in response. As if I was literally on fire and my clothing was the catalyst to the flame, Edward's strong hands and nimble fingers made quick work of removing every stitch except for my embarrassing granny cotton underwear.

In my defense, I could never have predicted any of the events of this fucked up night or that I would be here…with Edward…doing this on my fucking stairs, no less.

He sat up on his knees, his eyes burning with love and desire as he raked them over my exposed flesh. He didn't even cringe at the sight of my bruises, old and new, only licked his lips and sighed.

As he shook his head and looked at me, he said, "You are unbelievably beautiful." The way he looked at me made my body ignite as if it was the first time. And for the first time since he had arrived at my door, I took in the sight of him.

His bronze locks, always in organized disarray, actually lacked organization and were wildly splayed in all directions. The subtle scruff on his chin and jaw was tantalizing to say the least and I licked my swollen lips as my eyes traced the angular lines of his face. The worry line that normally resided between his brows was all but gone as his eyes roamed over me, dark jade and loving. The hard muscles under his hunter green v-neck – which, by the way, made his eyes look un-fucking-believable – flexed and tensed in anticipation. My eyes inched lower and took purchase on the awe-inspiring button fly of his dark washed jeans. I could've suffocated in the presence of his beauty and I wouldn't have cared. He was a sight to behold and as much as it didn't make sense, his expression matched mine. I blew the pent up air out of my lungs when a smirk donned his lisp and he spoke in a musical, but lust-filled tone.

"I don't know how you do it, but you're even sexy in granny panties." His eyes flickered to the cotton material of my lower half, then to my eyes as he reached his long fingers down and moved the nuisance of material out of the way, running his knuckles up and down over my center. I hissed in response, let my head fall back against the stair, and reached the fingers of my left hand into the waist band of his jeans, pulling hard. I needed him closer. The top button gave way and my fingers slipped in – unintentionally at first, then intentionally manipulating their way inside the elastic of his boxer briefs. I gasped and he groaned loudly as my fingers slid over his hot flesh, moistened and as ready for me as I was for him. I pulled the fabric forcefully toward me and his body relented, nearly collapsing on top of me, but his arms caught his weight and he hovered millimeters from my body.

"Come here," I whispered as I licked my lips, my fingers moving of their own accord, quickly unbuttoning and shoving the irritating fabric away before rushing to tug upward on the hem of his shirt. He got the hint, reaching over his head and ripping his shirt off swiftly. He shimmied out of his pants and underwear before once again hovering over me, only this time in all his mouth-watering, naked glory. _Adonis_ was the only thing I could think of to describe him as I took in his perfectly, but not overly so, sculpted body.

His eyes flickered with green flame as he moved his hands to cup my face, the pads of his thumbs caressing soft circles on my cheeks. "Are you sure, baby?" he whispered, his tone filled with concern right along with the unmistakable desire. _Oh Edward…amazingly beautiful and fantastically compassionate Edward; always concerned about my well-being first and foremost._ He beseeched me and I knew that if I had wanted him to, he would have stopped this right then.

But I didn't.

"Of course," I said in a shaky, hushed whisper. It was overwhelming. _He_ was overwhelming, and a lone tear escaped my eye, slowly rolling down to my temple. He caught it with the pad of his thumb just before it disappeared into my hairline and he shook his head slightly.

"God, I love you…so, _so_ much," he said as his gaze turned liquid and just before his lips came crashing down on mine. Urgent and wanton, soft and gentle, deep and delicious all wrapped up in this beautiful package of us together as one. His hands that were gently caressing my heated flesh – fingertips ghosting and tickling – moved downward to the mounds of my ass as he lifted my pelvis slightly and lined himself up. Ever so slowly, he pushed himself in, filling me completely and it was…it was…spectacular.

Had I been in my right mind, had I thought about it a little harder, I probably would've stopped it right then and there. It was skin on skin, no barrier of protection and something we had only done once before on a night that neither of us was thinking clearly, such as tonight. It was a huge risk, one that had dire consequences last time, but lucky for me and my obviously nonexistent brain cells, I was somewhat protected by a shot once every three months. This was not the case last time. Last time it was too much alcohol, a fateful missed pill and raging hormones.

I shuddered at the brief thought but my attention was quickly diverted as waves of pleasure crashed over me. It was good…_so good_…too good to stop and the world seemed to melt away with every thrust, every moan, every movement of Edward's body against mine. It was just him…and me, no one else, no problems, no worries, no cheating and abusive husband, no kids about to get their hearts broken because of their irresponsible parents. Just love and lust…touches and kisses.

Bliss.

The scratchy carpet of the stairs we were on gave way to a soft, billowy cloud as we seemed to drift off into the stratosphere…or some other ridiculous metaphor like that.

"Oh…_Jesus_…baby…_ah…_I'm so…_fuck_…I need you to…I need to…come for me…I have to…" Edward spoke in gasps between erratic thrusts. The familiar fluttering began in the pit of my stomach, quickly turning to electric desire that radiated through the rest of my body like a lit fuse. Every single one of my nerves were on full alert, sparking like frayed wires throughout my system as I met his thrusts with my own. He brushed the loose tendrils of hair out of my face. I reached my fingers up to his hair doing the same as he took hold of my hand. He wrapped his lips around my fingers and ran his tongue languidly over them.

The sparks were intensified and I let out a breathy moan as he released my hand and ran his fingertips down the side of my face, down my neck to the valley between my breasts and over. His eyes were hungry as he slowed his thrusts and watched his own movements, licking his lips as his fingers gave each of my breasts equal attention, ghosting circles around my pebbled nipples.

"_Unngh_, Edward," I purred as his fingers continued to trail down my stomach to where we were molded together and brushed across my most sensitive area. The sensation was all-consuming and I threw my head back in a throaty moan as his lips attacked my neck with an equal amount of fervor.

He brought me to the brink within seconds and we succumbed together as my body exploded in euphoria and he growled out my name with one last thrust. He pulled me upright and held me as we both let our emotions go. We cried in one another's arms again.

The last thing I remember after he carried me upstairs and I mumbled directions to the bedroom in his ear, was a soft, warm cloth being stroked gently over my skin. I was too exhausted to open my eyes and soon, sleep over took me.

XXXX

I woke with a start, blinking my eyes rapidly, trying to adjust to the light streaming in through the window. My dreams had been filled with images of the night before, images of the past few weeks and the piercing green eyes of the child that haunted me. I had almost gotten used to seeing her when I closed my eyes; seeing her green eyes morph into Edward's, but this time she seemed almost desperate as she repeated, "tell him…tell him."

I knew it was just in my mind, just my vacillating feelings on the subject messing with me, but the dreams continued to come more aggressively and more urgently. I probably should have told him last night, but even in my anger, my confusion toward him and the situation that had presented itself, I couldn't tell him.

I was so groggy and still exhausted from the night before that I wondered if the part where Edward had shown up had even happened at all. That was before I noticed his body impossibly close to me in my bed. So close, in fact, that my back was pressed flush against his chest and I was caught in the vice of his arm, his hand clutched tightly to the wife beater I was wearing as if to keep me from fleeing. Funny how I didn't even remember putting it on. I didn't think I would've dressed myself in it, considering it was Jake's, but I couldn't help the chuckle that escaped me at the irony of what I was wearing, who it belonged to…and who was with me.

I heard the contented sigh from behind me and felt the breath that came from him as it seeped through my hair and met the skin on the back of my neck. I shivered slightly at the tingling sensation it caused trailing down my spine as well as the warmth that spread through me and settled where it always settled.

_Jesus_, even a sigh in his sleep was arousing to me.

I felt him nuzzle his nose through my hair and his lips take purchase at the base of my neck. I couldn't help the very audible, very embarrassing whimper that escaped my lips in reaction to his touch. _Maybe he didn't hear it._ It didn't help matters that his glorious morning wood was pressed securely against my backside. I was a goner and I knew it.

His light-hearted chuckle, the blatant grind of his erection into my ass, as well as the incessant boob-groping that followed – his thumbs gingerly rubbing circles over my nipples – told me he was wide awake…and quite horny. _God, I love this man._ My nipples responded instantly.

"Well, somebody's awake," he said whimsically, in his gravely, just woke up voice…and damn, it was sexy. "Good morning, beautiful." I let out a breathy giggle, like a teenager as I pressed myself into him.

"It seems I'm not the only one," I replied in my own gravely morning voice, that, _I might add_, was not nearly as sexy as his. "Good morning to you too." He groaned in response to my ass rubbing on his cock and brushed my hair out of the way, attacking my neck, jaw and finally the corner of my mouth with his greedy lips. I gasped as he flipped me over onto my back quickly and hovered over me, licking his lips. His eyes were nearly sparkling…mesmerizing me so early in the morning and, to be honest, I was vaguely annoyed by that. I was certain mine were puffy and bloodshot, thanks to my latest nervous breakdown.

There was no other adjective I could think of to describe him as he held himself above me in all of his bare-chested magnificence. Even with his wild, unruly hair and scruffy jaw; the sleep lines that ran along his right cheek and disappeared into his temple, as he smiled down at me, my heart swelled and I thought maybe, just maybe I could faintly hear angels singing. There was only one word to describe this man.

He was simply beautiful.

"Damn, look at you," he cooed as his eyes roamed over me and he shook his head. "You are a vision." I could only imagine what I looked like, possibly a vision of death, so I rolled my eyes.

"I highly doubt that," I replied with a smirk. Not bothering to respond to me with words, he dipped his head down quickly and attacked my collar bone with his lips and tongue while his hands worked to push my _wife beater_ up over my breasts. I moaned loudly and writhed as his thumbs worked light circles around my nipples, thus working me up into a fucking frenzy.

"_Mmm_, Edward," I whimpered. He hummed against my stomach, having moved his lips downward, and my hips bucked of their own volition.

Taking his cue, he lowered his body onto mine and ground into me while growling in my ear. "I could do this every fucking morning."

Oh how I loved his dirty mouth. It turned me on in every sense of the word. I dug my head into the pillow behind me and moaned again. There were no words to describe what this man did to me.

"I love the way…I make you feel…" he said between kisses, trailing his lips along my jaw. "…the way…your body…responds to me." He ground into me again, eliciting sparks that traveled through my limbs. When his lips reached the corner of my mouth and continued over to kiss me passionately, I pressed my lips together and shook my head.

"What is it? What's the matter?" He held his face inches from mine, looking slightly concerned. I stared at him incredulously. "You don't want to kiss me?" He looked hurt briefly, before his bottom lip jutted out into the cutest pout. I turned my head to the side and cleared my throat.

"Morning breath," I replied, trying not to blow said morning breath in his face.

"Yours or mine?" he asked playfully.

"Mine, duh," I said, still looking away from him. He defied science, considering the fact that he didn't have morning breath. I was insanely jealous. I mean, I was supposed to be the dainty, _everything smells like roses_ female. How was that even possible? _Ugh._

He grasped my face with both hands, forcing me to face him and smiled wryly before crashing his lips to mine and protruding his tongue between them.

"Delicious," he said, grinning again once he let me come up for air – which I didn't want…I wanted his mouth back on mine immediately. "I love your _stank_ breath."

I was fucking mortified. However, I did want to laugh my ass off at his very eloquent phrasing. I quirked an eyebrow, but before I could utter a sound, his mouth was back on mine. Tasting, licking, nipping. _Lord_, I was a pile of goo…very hot goo. When he released me, and after I controlled my breathing as much as I could at the time, I quirked an eyebrow again in sarcasm.

"Stank breath?" He flashed me that fantastic crooked grin. "Stank breath…really, Edward?" He shrugged. "Very intelligent," I scoffed.

He feigned shock. "Would you rather I say Halitosis?" He drew out the _H_ sound. Fucker. "Mmm…" He nuzzled my jaw. "I love your delicious Halitosis."

"Oh my God, gross!" I shrieked and pushed against his shoulders. Apparently, he found himself very amusing as he erupted into an obnoxious fit of laughter and his eyes shone with unshed tears. "At least…" I started, trying to be annoyed but failing miserably. "At least I don't have…nasty cooch-breath!" I said the words before I realized I was insulting myself in the worst way, and for the record, as stated before…his breath smelled like nothing of the sort.

He laughed out loud one more time and then smirked, wrinkling his forehead. "Uh, cooch?" I raised my eyebrows in response, trying not to laugh. "That's what you call it?" He seemed genuinely interested, probably because of the fact that we were now talking about my, well, _cooch_. It was my turn to smirk.

"Would you rather I say va-gi-na?" I drawled. His eyes rolled back in his head. _I guess he would_.

"I personally like _pussy_, but whatever you prefer…cooch…" He grimaced. I guess that wasn't his favorite. "…vagina…." He was so nonchalant about it, like we were discussing whether we preferred honey or jelly on a peanut butter sandwich. It was maddening to me.

"You know, it's really annoying how comfortable you are on the subject of _vagina_…" His eyes rolled back in his head again. Damn him. "…Doctor Cullen, and the fact that you see them every day, _and_ the fact that you seem to get rather excited at the mere mention of the word. I'm wondering how ethical that is, _Doctor_."

He looked horrified briefly before the beautiful smirk played on his lips again. He blew out a breath and rolled his eyes sardonically. "I'm appalled, quite frankly, that I have to even explain this to you. However, in speaking of…" He coughed. "Vaginas, yours is the only one that makes my mouth water." He suppressed a laugh by pressing his lips together and clearing his throat. He plastered a very serious, almost frighteningly professional expression on his face before continuing. "Yours is the only one I dream of doing obscene, lascivious things to because, baby, yours is spec-fucking-tacular. Definitely _not_ nasty, so if my breath smells like that, well that just means I am a very…_very_ happy man."

He smiled like the Cheshire cat, huge and goofy and…free. At that moment, I fell that much more in love with him, save the disgusting conversation we were having. I felt like I was sixteen again.

"You are such a man," I teased, rolling my eyes. "Can we just _not_ talk about what I call my lady parts?"

"Why not? I love it when you talk dirty," he growled, grinding into me again and causing a whimper of "fuck" to escape my lips. "See? Just like that." He ground into me again. "God, you are so fucking sexy in the morning," he said as he dove into my lips again. "And for the record, your breath smells amazing."

There was officially nothing about this man I didn't love…if only things were that simple.

He gingerly placed his hands at my hips, between my skin and the offending cotton material and pushed it down until it was off of me. He hovered over me, his lips lingering on mine and when he sank into me again, I cried out softly.

He made love to me…soft and slow, taking his time and giving my body every ounce of his attention. When we came undone together, it was surreal. Fireworks in blooming colors clouded my vision and thoughts of happily ever after ran rampant. Unfortunately, those thoughts were soon overshadowed by a little girl's green eyes. Visions of my twins with tears in their eyes and the blame…_oh_, the blame aimed at me for ruining their childhood.

The bliss was officially over as tears filled my eyes.

"Baby?" Edward asked, still above me, still buried inside me. He sighed when I didn't respond. "Do you…do you want to talk about what happened last night?"

"Not really," I mumbled shaking my head. He withdrew to lie next to me and I whimpered instantly at the loss of contact.

"Are you hungry?" he questioned while stroking my face gently with his fingertips. I shook my head again, but my stomach had other ideas, growling incessantly in response to him. He chuckled lightly.

"We could, maybe we could go somewhere together…for breakfast."

I stared at him incredulously, and as I watched his hopeful expression diminish to a hurt-filled frown, my heart ached for him again. He obviously had no idea how much I wanted that, but it couldn't happen right now.

"We can't do that…not yet, Edward," I said quietly, averting my gaze from his. He sighed again and, placing his palm on my cheek, turned my head to face him.

"When, then?" he asked tensely. "When can we just…_be_ together?" I took his face in my hands and looked deeply into his eyes, hoping beyond hope that he could see the truth in mine.

"Soon," I promised, not even certain in my own mind what that meant. I was naïve to think that the minute I told Jake it was over I would be able to shout how much I loved Edward from the rooftops. This wasn't some fantasy world, this was reality and my reality was soon to be filled with paper work and court dates, and – God forbid – a custody battle. Not to mention the feelings of my children, too young to understand that life wasn't always about sunshine and rainbows. The truth of the matter was, I was about to take their comfortable little world and turn it upside down in a way I was certain they were ill-equipped to deal with.

As much as I wanted to run outside and broadcast to the world that Edward was the love of my life, I simply couldn't put them through that just yet. Of course, then there was the minor fucking detail of the child that haunted me.

_Tell him_…her words reverberated in my head and it made me want to scream, but I knew it had to be now. It was time.

Edward sighed harshly and shook his head. I responded by kissing his forehead and running my fingers through his hair. It felt like silk…so good against my skin.

"I mean it, Edward," I tried to reassure him. "I want to be with you so much…_so_ much," I hesitated, trying to swallow the lump in my throat, "It's suffocating me, but—"

"But." He exhaled sharply through his nose and shook his head.

"Baby, it's complicated. You know that. I'm sorry, I wish it wasn't. _God_, how I wish it wasn't." I felt tears pricking at my eyes again and tried to blink them away. Edward's expression had changed from that of frustrated anger to one of immense sadness and his eyes softened some.

"I know. I know it's complicated. I know you have to get your kids through this and introducing me into their lives would only confuse them…make it worse. I fucking know all of that." He clenched his jaw, the muscles visibly working vehemently to contain his emotions, and shook his head again. My heart plunged into my stomach at the sight. I hated hurting him, and I knew full well that what I was planning to say would only intensify that.

"Edward," I began, wanting nothing more than to soothe him and make the hurt go away. I was so fucking conflicted that it was physically painful. He interrupted before I could continue.

"And I'm sorry for what you have to go through, baby, I am. But I'm not going to lie and say that I don't hate it, because I do." He furrowed his brow and a look of pure agony crossed over his face. It was so powerful, his pain, that it stole my breath from me and I pulled his face to mine in an attempt to kiss the pain away. He broke the kiss breathlessly and continued to shake his head, speaking in a low growl.

"I hate it, Bella. So much I can't fucking _breathe_. I have to force myself to leave you and each time I do, I am a wreck until I'm with you again. I want to take you out. I want to show the world that you're mine. I want to tell that _motherfucker_ that you have never belonged to him. Fuck!" He inhaled a ragged breath and rolled us over, hovering over me again as I gasped. "I want…I want to be your life the way you are mine; I want to be a part of your kids' lives and I want you to be a part of Kellan's. I want to be with you every second I can and knowing that I can't, it's fucking _killing_ me, Bella.

"And then, what you said last night…about this being a mistake…I can't even, Bella I can't even express to you how much that hurts." He looked away from me. He didn't have to express it into words. It was there in his eyes and it was overwhelming.

My heart swelled to the point of exploding inside my chest. I was stunned to the point of speechlessness. I grabbed his face and kissed him hard. He had to know that I felt the same way. That I felt ashamed of the way I had reacted, of what I had said, but that I would never be ashamed of him or my feelings for him. I was most ashamed of keeping the birth and possibly death of our daughter a secret from him for so long and that was a hurt I could never take back.

"Edward," I began again. He had his eyes squeezed shut, his brow still furrowed, showcasing his pain. "Edward, look at me please," I begged him. His eyes fluttered open and the sight of his incredible green eyes caused my breath to catch in my throat. He looked like a sad little boy who just lost his best friend…or his puppy or something, and I caused that. "I'm so sorry," I said on my breath. "I don't think this is a mistake. I know you're not a mistake and if anyone were to ever say that to me, even though it's not true at all…well, I would just have to say that you were the best mistake I ever made."

His eyes softened even more and I heard him exhale as he dropped his forehead gently to mine.

"I love you. I want everything you want and more. You have to know that," I continued. "I'm so sorry for what I've put you through…what I might put you through still. I never want to hurt you. But, there are things we need to talk about." He nodded in agreement. "Things I need to…to tell you…about the past."

"Bella." He lifted his head and looked at me. I took a deep breath and held it. I blew it out slowly, coming to grips as the breath left me that it was now or never. I needed him to know and he deserved to know.

_Here goes nothing._

"When I left you…a—and moved to Florida," I began with a shaky breath. "Edward, I…"

"Bella," he interrupted, shaking his head. "You don't have to, I mean, we don't need to keep doing this. Bringing up the past. I just…can we just move forward?" He followed that up with a lick to his lips. My mouth dropped open slightly as I watched his tongue sweep across his bottom lip.

_Goddamn it_. He was frustratingly distracting as hell. I seemed to lose my train of thought for a moment before I finally sighed.

"Please, Edward, I have to do this. It's important, so, I kinda need you to shut up." I smiled shyly and his eyes crinkled as he nodded, smiling back at me. I took another deep breath and blew it out slowly, trying to get the right words to come.

My brain was screaming at me to just blurt it out, get it over with but my mouth – which seemed to be connected directly to my heart – would not comply. There was no easy way to say it.

"Edward, when I left you…when I was in Florida…there's something…I never told you about." He was looking at me with patience and love, and I knew the minute the words left my mouth, it would change indefinitely. It was so much harder than it seemed in my head. "And I want to tell you now…a—about it. Edward, I was—"

Suddenly we were both startled by loud banging on the front door. We jumped and looked at each other completely stunned. That is, until I heard the lock click and the door creak open.

_Oh fuck!_

My body suddenly became alive as I leapt off the bed and turned to Edward. "It's Jake. Oh _shit_! I—I don't know what to do! What the hell is he doing home? Edward! You have to go!"

He looked at me and furrowed his brow. He clenched his hands into tight fists, seething immediately.

"Like hell," he stated in a low growl so completely menacing that it made the hair on the back of my neck stand on end.

"Look at me!" I grabbed him by his shoulders and he obeyed, but his face continued to display a murderous expression.

"I'm going to handle this fucker right now," he snarled.

"No, Edward, _please_ no. Just…I'll distract him while you slip out."

"Right, Bella. My fucking _car_ is here. And I. Don't. Give. A fuck," he sneered.

"_Shit_." I squeezed my eyes shut, completely at a loss as to what to do.

"Bells?" I heard the voice calling to me and it immediately registered that this was not Jake, but _Charlie_.

Edward's eyes widened as did mine and we stared at each other as my mind began to race. _Shit, fuck, shit!_ Edward's mouth formed a silent 'oh' and he suddenly looked terrified.

"It's Charlie, I forgot he has a fucking key!" I whispered in a panic.

"Mommy!" I heard two little voices calling.

"And the twins…" I shoved Edward toward the bathroom. "Go hide! He doesn't know your car. I'll think of something." He nodded quickly and bolted into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him as quietly as possible.

My heart was beating out of my fucking chest as I tried to think of what the hell they were doing home. It was a little after nine in the morning and Charlie usually let them hang out with him as long as they wanted…and he usually called if he needed to bring them home early.

"Bells!" he called again, his time a little more forcefully.

"Uh, up here! H—hold on a minute!" I yelled, looking at myself and realizing I was naked from the waist down. I frantically pulled the sheets back, located my underwear and threw them on. I threw the covers back up on the bed and sprinted to the door, grabbing my bathrobe and flung it on quickly. As I struggled to get my godforsaken cast through the arm hole, I cursed under my breath and no sooner had I tied a knot securely in front of me, had the kids barreled through the door, squealing like the complete maniacs they were.

They each grabbed a leg and squeezed, making my heart slow down just a little. I chuckled on my breath as I rubbed each of their backs and leaned down to kiss their little cheeks – Robby on my left, Krissy on my right.

"Mommy, are you still sick?" Robby, my always caring little momma's boy asked.

"I'm feeling a little better, baby," I answered.

"You must'a been sleeping like a lazy dog!" Krissy interjected. "'Cause Grandpa's been trying to call you for, like, forever."

_Fuck, my phone!_

I hadn't heard it all morning and I certainly hadn't heard the home phone ring. I scanned the room quickly, but it was nowhere to be found.

"Um, yes, I guess I was, sweet girl," I replied as I felt a blush creep over my skin at the thought of what I actually had been doing. "Where's your grandpa anyway?" I asked just as Charlie appeared in the doorway. My eyes fell on his as he took in my appearance and averted his gaze back to my face. He shifted uncomfortably on his feet and shoved his hands in his pockets. My dad was clearly not used to seeing me dressed only in my bathrobe and probable sex-hair. I released the twins and patted my hair down as subtly as possible, trying out a small smile that just felt off.

"See, Grandpa? She was sleeping in her roooooom!" Krissy exclaimed, waving her hand toward the bed like Vanna White.

"I see, Princess," Charlie replied with a wink. "Hey Bells." He turned his attention to me and narrowed his eyes curiously as if he was searching for a clue in a case. "You okay?"

_Please don't notice the sex-hair…please don't notice the goddamned sex-hair. _

"Mm-hmm," I responded weakly and nodded. "Just a little tired." I was having trouble making eye contact, which was guaranteed to raise his suspicion. I felt like a fucking teenager whose boyfriend was hiding in the bathroom from her gun-wielding, chief of police father…which was _precisely_ the situation, minus the gun and teenager part. Equally as horrifying, however.

"Oh!" Kristen shrieked suddenly, causing my head to snap in her direction. I looked at her just in time to see her grab her crotch blatantly and state, as if it was front page news, "I gotta go _peeeeeeee_ before we go see the fishies!" She turned on her heel and headed straight for my bathroom door. The same door that Edward had headed into moments before to hide. My stomach fell to my knees in horror.

"Kristen, no!" I nearly yelled. She startled, turning to look at me with her little hand on the knob. "Um, g—go use _your_ bathroom, honey," I said a little quieter, trying to hide the fact that I was about to fucking stroke out. Knowing that Edward was hiding in the room that my daughter was about to barge into was enough to cripple me.

"_Mommy_…" She furrowed her brow and pouted her little lips while proceeding to bounce up and down on the balls of her feet. "I gotta go _baaaaaaaaaad_!" She didn't wait for my response. As she turned the knob and pushed the door open, the only think I could think to do was to somehow warn him to get out of sight without literally warning him.

_Fuck my life._

"Okay, honey," I raised my voice to an unnatural level with a nervous laugh. "Be careful in _Mommy's_ bathroom!" I heard her giggle, as she had left the door wide open – my daughter had obviously not reached the stage of modesty – as she responded.

"You're so _weirrrrrrd_, Mommy!" Then, she began to sing, repeating, "Mommy is a weirrrrdo…Mommy is a weirrrrdo!"

Nice.

As the light flickered on visibly, I braced myself for the scream of terror that would no doubt accompany her running into a strange man in her "weird" mommy's bathroom, but it never came. Instead, her song changed to that of a very feminine, reggae crab as she proceeded to belt out her rendition of _Kiss the Girl_, from The Little Mermaid…_what else?_

I couldn't help but giggle genuinely as I listened to her, knowing poor Edward was getting an earful of her off-key singing and often made-up lyrics.

"_Wa-la-la-la-la-la, don't be saaaad because da boy is shy…ain't gonna kisssssss deeee girrrrl…whoa, whoa!"_ She giggled to herself, repeating _"Kiss deee girl…kiss deee girl."_

I turned back to Charlie, who was snickering under his breath but also eyeing me warily at the same time. Obviously, my manic outburst had the alarm bells sounding in his head.

_Shit._

"What?" I tried to act as innocent as possible. "She…never uses my bathroom. I…just want to make sure she's careful." _What the fuck was that supposed to be? An explanation? My father would see right through that shit._ He didn't answer me right away. Instead he crossed his arms over his chest and breathed down his nose sharply. Not a good sign. Was I about to get grounded? That was what it felt like.

He looked down at Robby, who had an almost disgusted look on his face as he stared at my bathroom door.

"She is so _stupid_ and annoying," my little boy spat, rolling his eyes and crinkling his nose.

"Hey," I said sharply and nudged him. "I don't want to hear you say that again. You be nice to your little sister, Robby."

He lifted his head to me and glared. My baby glared at me.

"She is _not_ my little sister. We are _twins_, Mom," he huffed. I was taken back by his condescending tone and my jaw dropped open before I slammed it shut and gritted my teeth. He sounded just like his fucking father and it didn't sit well.

"Robert!" I warned, but before I could scold him further, Charlie interrupted.

"Hey, kiddo, you don't talk to your mother that way if you want to go anywhere with me. You apologize right now and go use the bathroom too because we've got quite a drive ahead of us." Robby dropped his little head and slumped his shoulders before he looked at me with sadness in his milk chocolate eyes. I felt my heart fracture at the sight.

"I'm sorry, Mommy," he said quietly, turned quickly and ran down the hall to his bedroom which connected to his and Krissy's shared bathroom. I looked at Charlie in shock. He was back to eyeing me warily and I felt the anxiety creeping its way back up my spine.

"Has he been like that all morning?" I asked pointing in the direction Robby had gone. He nodded sadly.

"I've had to get on him, last night and this morning, more than I ever have before. You know how much I hate that, Bells."

I sighed and shook my head. I noticed a slight change in Robby's behavior as of late and I couldn't help but face the reality that he was much more aware of what was going on between his dad and me than I thought. It was becoming obvious now and what scared me the most was his nasty attitude toward his sister and, most recently, toward me. He was sounding more and more like Jacob with the way he spoke to us – short tempered and condescending – that it made my stomach coil into a knot. Inevitably, I was going to have to talk to him…to stop this vicious cycle before it had a chance to taint the soul of my beautiful boy. Jake would always be his father, and as far as I was concerned, would always be an asshole, but I had to try and make my influence more forthright. Robby was so loveable and caring. He didn't deserve to feel like this.

"It's my fault," I muttered as I swallowed thickly. Charlie shrugged.

"Well, kids always know more than they let on. I…know from experience…" his voice trailed off and I snapped my head up. He seemed lost in thought, with a pained look on his face. It was obvious he was reliving some of the audible fights he had with my mom when Alice and I pretended we didn't know.

"Dad," I said softly. "We turned out okay, you know, Alice and me." He drew in a breath and nodded quickly.

"Oh yeah, I know," he said clearing his throat. His eyes fell on my face and softened. "Are you sure you're okay, Bells? You look like you've been…" He cringed. "…crying." My poor dad, so uncomfortable with anything resembling sentiment. I blinked slowly and nodded, mustering up a genuine smile, although still feeling nervous that Krissy was going to run out of the bathroom screaming at any second.

But no, she was still singing…at quite an ear-splitting level, and now merging several songs together into her own Little Mermaid montage.

"_Oh how I wish I could beeeeeeeee…part of your worrrrrrld! La – la – la – la… Undah da seeeeaaaa! Life is so bettah down unda dee watah… undah da seeeeeaaaaa!"_

I cringed inwardly for Edward.

"Dad, I'm fine," I responded, obviously unconvincingly as he pursed his lips. "It was a rough night, but…but I'm okay for now." I sighed, feeling heat slither around my neck at the thought of the actual events of the preceding night.

He nodded slowly. "You wanna…" He cringed again. "Talk about it?" I wanted to laugh, God bless him, but instead I just shook my head, noticing him trying to hide the sigh of relief that left him. "Oh, so…" he began again, more upbeat. "Whose car is that? The sporty-looking silver Volvo?" he asked, as if I wasn't aware that there was an unfamiliar vehicle in the driveway.

_Fuck me sideways!_

"Uh…" I swallowed hard and the blush that was threatening me at the mention of the 'rough night' had exploded over my cheeks. My mind was racing, trying to think of a believable lie and realizing that I was probably the worst liar on the planet, especially when it came to my police chief father. I was mentally kicking the shit out of myself for not thinking more quickly on my feet. "Oh," I blew out a breath, hoping that my lie wasn't as obvious as it felt. "That's, um, that's Paul's car…Jake's _almost_ partner at work." I gestured quotes and rolled my eyes for effect.

Charlie quirked an eyebrow and I realized I needed to be a little more convincing. Where the fuck was Alice when I needed her? She was much better at this shit than I was.

"He, um, he left his car here and rode with Jake to the airport last night." I couldn't look at Charlie while I was lying to his face, so I peeked at him through my peripheral vision. His countenance changed to that of anger quickly.

_Shit! This was the part where he called me out on my ridiculous fabrication. _

"You mean he came back here?" he hissed. "Bells, look at me." I looked up at him through my lashes. "Did he do something? Did something happen?"

_Yes._

"No, Dad," I lied again, shaking my head. I knew full fucking well that he would more than likely find out that Jake had been arrested once he talked to Billy, but I didn't have time to explain everything right now.

"Are you sure?" He squinted his eyes and looked hard at me. "Because the _hole _in the wall out there…about the size of Jacob's fist…about the _height_ of Jacob, might tell me otherwise. Now, you want to try that again?"

It was the fucking 'cop' tone that I hated so, so much when directed at me. And, _damn it_ if I hadn't forgotten all about the blatant evidence that Jake had left behind. I had no idea what to say, so I just stared at him, doe-eyed.

"Bells?" Charlie breathed out.

"Dad, please," I squeezed my eyes shut. "That's…old, okay? I don't, just, can we talk about something else?"

"Bells, it doesn't look that old to me," Charlie deadpanned.

_Jesus, how the hell does he know that? Because he's a cop, moron._

"Dad, please!" I begged. There was no way I could possibly go into to this right now with him. I prayed he would leave it well enough alone for the time being.

He sighed and ran his hand through his hair again. I thought of Edward.

"You would talk to me, if you needed to, right?" I nodded. "And you're sure you're okay, Bells?" The look he gave was the one that he always gave when he really didn't believe a fucking word I had said, but was choosing to leave the shit alone for the time being. _Thank you, Jesus._

"I'm sure," I breathed out, feeling relieved. I decided the subject was in dire need of changing and remembered what Krissy had said about 'seeing the fishies' as well as what Charlie had said to Robby about a long drive. My curiosity was piqued. "So, I thought you were just bringing the kids home early. Are you taking them somewhere?"

Charlie looked at me and shrugged, smiling sheepishly. Obviously, he realized he made plans for the twins without checking with me first. "Well, after I mentioned going fishing last night at dinner…" He looked apologetically at me as my face noticeably blanched at the mention of dinner. "The kiddos were driving me crazy all night about wanting to go. It's way too cold to actually go fishing outside, so I thought maybe I could take them to Bass Pro. You know, they have that big aquarium, and there are fish in the ponds." He shrugged again. "Besides, I figured we could get them some new poles and stuff for when it's warmer. If it's okay with you. I mean, you can come with if you want, but…" He eyed my robe. "I was kind of wanting to get there by ten and, well, I thought you could use the extra time to rest."

I nodded, indicating I was fine with it, but cocked my head to the side, confused. "Wait, so which one are you taking them to?" I knew there were two in the area, but both were quite a ways to drive, and he had definitely gone out of his way to come here.

"Bolingbrook," he replied.

"Bolingbrook?" I looked at him dubiously as he nodded. "Dad, that's at least a forty-five minute drive from Jefferson Park. You could've shaved ten minutes off by going straight from your house. Why did you come all the way here?"

He grumbled and shook his head. "Bells, I tried to call you to make sure it was okay…both phones…and when I couldn't reach you, I got…worried." I felt heat on my cheeks again, wondering why I hadn't heard the cordless phone ringing and my eyes scanned the room again quickly for my cell, but it was futile. I must have left it downstairs, I decided. That didn't explain the cordless, however, and it was a little unnerving. He ran his hand nervously through his dark hair, peppered with gray, as he looked at me, and the sincerity in his expression was incredible. I walked up to him and wrapped my arms around his neck, giving him a squeeze and a kiss on the cheek. He blushed and grunted something inaudible as I giggled lightly.

"Thank you, Dad, but I'm really okay. I must have just slept through all of it. I'm sorry I worried you. And yes, it's perfectly fine for you to take them and drive all over northeastern Illinois if you want to, but don't say I didn't warn you that you're going to be a frazzled old man by the time they're through with you," I smirked.

"Oh, please." He rolled his eyes and rubbed his stubble with his thumb and forefinger. "How many times do I have to tell you, I'm a pro at this, Bells. Those twins will be completely exhausted by the time Grandpa's done looking at fishing gear." He grinned and I laughed, realizing that was absolutely true.

"Okay." I raised my eyebrows. "Do I need to give you some money? Don't let them con you into buying a million stupid little trinkets."

He waved me off. "Absolutely not. Your money's no good to me. And, your lack of confidence in me is a little insulting, darling daughter." I rolled my eyes.

At the same time I heard the kids' toilet flush, the blood-curdling scream I had hoped wouldn't happen hit my ears like a bomb and made both Charlie and I jump.

"_Mommy!"_ Krissy shrieked as she came flying out of the bathroom, still pulling up her little jeans; a horrified expression on her face that nearly buckled my knees.

_This is it. This is the moment I prayed wouldn't happen…but the jig is most certainly up and I'm completely and utterly fucked._

"What…what?" I yelped as she crashed into me. Her poor little body was shaking and at that point, so was mine, but for an entirely different reason.

I heard Charlie exhale loudly and mutter a quiet, "what the hell?" but I was too busy trying to decide if it was possible to become invisible…possibly transport to another dimension with my thoughts…to pay attention to him.

She pointed her little finger toward my bathroom door and whispered, terrified, "There's a _monster_ in your closet!"

"A what?" I asked. _Alright, hold on a second here. Edward was in the closet? Edward was in the closet! Maybe this situation was salvageable without 'outing' Edward, literally._

"A m—monster! In there!" She pointed again, burying her head in my robe.

"Hy-ya!" Robby yelled, taking his ninja…or whatever…stance. "I'll take care of it, don't you worry Krissy. I'll protect you!"

I stifled a laugh, happy that his protectiveness and endearing nature had returned somewhere between his trip to the bathroom and now.

"Hold on," I grabbed him around the waist as he was about to karate-chop his way into the bathroom. "I'm sure there's no monster, guys," I stated in my very persuasive – which wasn't persuasive in the least when it came to monsters – mom voice. "Krissy, what did you hear?"

She sighed and looked up at me with huge, scared, chocolate brown eyes. "There was…there was a buzzing sound…and then a big c—crash," she stammered.

_What the fuck?_

I looked up at Charlie and shrugged, trying to convey that I had absolutely no idea what the hell she was talking about. He, in turn, narrowed his eyes and looked at me suspiciously. _Shit_. I sighed and spoke as calmly as I could.

"Well, there is lots of stuff on the shelf. Were you dancing around on the potty?" I felt like such an ass, blaming her when I knew full well that even her dancing around on the potty while singing loudly wouldn't cause anything to fall off the shelf in the attached walk-in closet. Most everything was secure enough in there.

It was Edward and I knew it.

Something had startled him and by the description of the 'buzzing' sound, I had a pretty good idea.

"Mm-hmm." She nodded, looking at me with an adorable pout. I relented immediately.

"Okay, Mommy's going to take care of this." I walked to the bathroom and pushed the door open loudly. "Okay you monster!" I nearly shouted. "You are dead meat!" Krissy clung to the back of my bathrobe as I crept toward the closet door.

"It's in there!" Krissy whispered as she pointed around me to the offending door. I sucked in a breath and held it as I jiggled the handle in my first attempt at a warning to Edward. Thankfully, I didn't hear anything on the other side. He was, no doubt, also holding his breath.

"Krissy," I whispered, "go to the cabinet and get the monster spray." She nodded vigorously and reluctantly let go of my robe to pull the cabinet open, snatching the large can of Lysol disinfectant spray.

"Here, Mommy," she whispered shakily. "Get him." I quirked an eyebrow at her and blew out my breath as I slowly turned the knob and opened the door a crack. I motioned for Krissy to stand back, like we were some SWAT team going into a drug house, and she ran back to the bathroom door, turning to me with eyes wide in anticipation.

I pushed the door open a little further and this time, I heard a barely audible screech of hangers being strained on the metal pole, followed by a quiet murmur of "fuck." It took all I had to suppress the giggle building in my chest and throat, which was grossly inappropriate, but I knew Edward was likely in full panic mode and it somehow struck me as funny. I looked down, noticing my pair of peep-toe, high heel boots conspicuously strewn on the floor.

"Once I spray this, you _heinous_ beast," I stated loudly, adding the adjective for dramatic effect, "you will be gone!" Really, it was a second warning to Edward to hold his fucking breath or he was about to get a mouthful of Lysol.

We couldn't have the monster coughing and hacking, now could we?

I proceeded to spray a generous amount of the 'monster-killer' into the closet and then slammed the door shut, sitting the can on the counter and slapping my palms together, brushing them off. Krissy turned quickly and ran to Charlie as I exited the bathroom and shut the door. Charlie was shaking his head with a smirk and Robby looked thoroughly disappointed that he hadn't gotten to be the hero.

"Is…is it gone?" Krissy asked dubiously.

I nodded, proudly stating that the monster was exterminated, and my little girl proceeded to clap wildly and attack my legs in a tight hug. Charlie snorted and I snapped my head up to glare at him in jest. He held his hands up in surrender and shook his head. When he announced that it was time to hit the road, the twins squealed with excitement and anticipation of seeing all the 'fishies' and the monster was a distant memory…to them, anyway.

XXXX

_***Chapter End Notes: *sigh* Those darn twins! Can't wait to hear your thoughts on the 'Monster in the closet' scenario, as well as…all the rest. Was the citrus satisfactory? Hope so, but if you haven't had enough, our lovely couple will be steaming it up next chapter too. (Hey, they gotta make use of their time, okay? Lol.) **_

_**Please hit that review button, my fabulous readers. I have a special outtake in Docward's pov as he was hiding in the closet! I will try…I repeat TRY to attach it to my review replies, but if ffn acts like an ass-clown again, I may need your email addresses. Just a heads up there. Give me a little time also, it's still being beta'd. **_

_**Finally, I'm planning on posting the previous outtakes soon, so look for those. One in particular may be posted as its own story because it's seriously long. It's a Tanya pov outtake I wrote for the Fandom Against Domestic Violence and I promise you, you won't want to miss that one. Toodles until next time! **_


	46. Chapter 42, Crawl

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past**

**Chapter 42, "Crawl" ~ Superchick**

Bella's pov continued

_***A/N: THEsnapcrakkelpop and fmneff, I heart you both…hard. Thanks for your mad beta'ing skills!**_

_**Thanks so much to all the amazing reviewers from last chapter, hope you liked the "Monster in the Closet" outtake! And thanks to all of you who are simply reading and favorite'ing too! **_

_**Let's see what happens when Edward is finally released from his closet prison, shall we?**_

_**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and its characters…I do not, I just like to make them do naughty things. *wicked grin* **_©2009-2011 WickedCurveBall74/RobsMyEdibleArt, All rights reserved worldwide

_**CAUTION**__**: Extremely juicy citrus ahead!**_

_**Song Link, Crawl: **__**www . youtube . com /watch?v=waXo-x1IHio**_

XXXX

"_How long will this take? how much can I go through?_

_My heart, my soul aches; I don't know what to do,_

_I bend but don't break, and somehow I'll get through,_

'_Cause I have you,_

_And if I have to crawl, well you crawl too,_

_I stumble and I fall; carry my through,_

_The wonder of it all is you see me through_

_Oh Lord, where are you? Do not forget me here,_

_I cry in silence; can you not see my tears?_

_When all have left me and hope has disappeared,_

_You find me here,_

_And when I have to crawl, well you crawl too,_

_I stumble and I fall; carry me through,_

_The wonder of it all is you see me through,_

_When everything I was is lost; I have forgot but you have not,_

_When I am lost, you have not lost me,_

_When everything I was is lost; I have forgot but you have not,_

_When I am lost, you have not lost me…you have not lost me,_

_And if I had to crawl, well you'd crawl too,_

_I stumble and I fall; carry me through,_

_The wonder of it all is you see me through."_

XXXX

I breathed a sigh of relief, nearly collapsing as I watched Charlie and the twins disappear from the driveway. I waited another couple minutes to make sure they had gone before I turned and sprinted back up to the bedroom, through the bathroom, and flung the door of the closet wide open.

"Motherfucking shit!" Edward cried as clothes went flying and he lost his footing, falling in a heap on the closet floor.

"Sorry! Sorry!" I repeated as I went to him and attempted to help him stand up. He pulled me down on top of him instead and growled in my ear, sending shivers of heat throughout my body.

"You scared the _fuck_ out of me."

I couldn't hold my laughter anymore. I was so relieved and the images of him freaking out while I sprayed Lysol all over him were playing on repeat in my mind. I threw my head back, howling in a fit of giggles. He attacked my neck with his talented lips and my giggles soon turned into soft moans as heat settled instantly in my core. I sniffed him obnoxiously and crinkled my nose.

"You smell like Lysol, Doctor," I smirked. He smirked back.

"Yeah, thanks for that, _monster slayer_."

I shrugged.

"Well, it's not as fantastically sexy as your normal scent, but it suits you." I winked at him and the smile that spread across his face was comforting and contagious. "I guess it was better than the alternative, _monster_." I quirked an eyebrow before shuddering at the thought. He sighed through his nose, the skin around his eyes crinkling as he grinned and nodded.

"Thank you for killing me with Lysol, my love. I would've hated to be killed by Chief Charlie Swan."

Two things happened. My heart stuttered at the sound of him calling me 'my love' for one, and we both outwardly shuddered at the obviously mutual mental images of Charlie killing Edward in the middle of my walk-in closet. As theatrical as that seemed, knowing my father, it wasn't an unperceivable scenario.

Edward looked off into space, his countenance thoughtful, then amused. His shoulders shook as he chuckled through his nose, shaking his head.

"What…" I poked him with my forefinger in the bare chest. "…is so funny?" I glared at him playfully.

"_Owww_," he whined, grasping my finger and protruding his lower lip out, inviting me to nibble on it. He broke out into another fit of chuckles, this time a bit louder and more obnoxious. "You are viscous, baby," he teased.

"Precisely," I retorted. "This…" I wriggled my finger in front of him. "…is a very dangerous weapon, so you better tell me why you're laughing at me." He drew in a breath and blew it out quickly, smirking.

"Bella, there is nothing on your body that _isn't_ a very dangerous weapon to me." I blushed at the sexual undertone dripping from his words. "But, I'm not laughing at you. It just seems that we have more in common than I thought." He chuckled again.

"Oh is that so? Like?" I raised my eyebrows, intrigued.

"Monster spray." He grinned so widely that it nearly split his face in two. It was beautiful…he was beautiful. Seeing him so happy made my heart grow exponentially inside my chest and I grinned equally as huge in response. "It's kind of the same thing I use to use to get rid of Kellan's monsters. Funny, huh?" He shrugged, looking a little shy as he stared into my eyes. I could see it, though…the undeniable delight shining in his eyes in regards to our similar styles of easing our children's fears.

"Are you serious?" I squealed, sitting up quickly and staring at him, mouth agape. He groaned and pushed himself up on his elbows, his eyes darting between my body and his crotch as he narrowed his eyes to a playful glare. Apparently, this wasn't the position he wanted us to be in. I ignored it, still stunned that he had, in fact, also used the monster spray ploy on his own child. I didn't realize anyone else knew about it. As a matter of fact, I thought about patenting and marketing such a thing at one time until my rational mind squashed it.

"How did you…did someone tell you about it? I mean, monster spray is kind of _my_ thing." I put my hands on my hips and cocked my head to the side, watching his eyes linger in places that made the heat coil between my legs. "I'm really not quite sure how I feel about his, Edward Cullen." I leaned toward him, pursing my lips and wriggling my finger at him again as his head snapped up. "Who is your spy?" I said in my best Russian accent. "I will torture you until you tell me, you miserable traitor!" I lunged toward him, attacking him with my nimble fingers as I tickled his ribs. He fell backward, bellowing with laughter as he proceeded to unleash his own talented fingers on my upper torso, making me squeal loudly.

Shit, he was better at tickling than I was. This was definitely a problem.

No, it wasn't. And, I was on top of him again. It was a win-win.

"Okay…_okay!_ I give up!" I squealed as I was completely out of breath from his relentless drive to win the tickle fight. He held his fists up above me and threw his head back.

"Yes! Victory is sweet, my dear." He smirked before wrapping his arms around me and splaying his fingers across my back. "But you can torture me anytime you feel the need, baby. I like it." He slid his hands down to my ass and squeezed gently, winking at me. I gasped. Damn it, he fucking killed me.

"Seriously, though…" I held myself up on his magnificent chest to look at him. This view was fantastic. "How did you know about monster spray?"

He shrugged. "I just thought of it one day. Kel was freaking out about a monster under his bed or some shit and it was sort of an on-going thing. Rose and I kept trying to tell him that monsters weren't real, but you know how kids are about that stuff…nothing we said registered to him. To him, it was real. So, I started brainstorming, rummaging through cabinets and saw the Lysol. It hit me then. Lysol kills bacteria and germs. I'm a doctor, so to me, bacteria and germs are like monsters. He was too little to understand what it actually was, so I capitalized on the shit and voila! Monster spray." He smiled at me and I began to shake my head. How was it possible that his thoughts were identical…I mean _identical_ to mine? I didn't like hearing the part about Rose, but I couldn't be upset about that. That was his life then, just like Jake was mine.

"That is so crazy," I said, still amazed.

"I know, some of the shit I come up with is—"

"No, I mean…Edward, that is _exactly_ how I came up with it." His eyes widened in response. "Seriously, the twins were having nightmares about monsters coming into their rooms and well, you know Jake, he kept trying to tell them it was nothing. He was losing his patience and I was tired of being the one to have to coddle them because he thought it was _ridiculous_." I rolled my eyes and watched Edward's jaw go taut. I sighed, not wanting his mood to shift so suddenly, so I kept talking. "Anyway, I did the same thing…found the Lysol and thought of nasty germs." I crinkled my nose, making him smile. Ah, his smile melted me. "Crazy, huh?" He looked at me thoughtfully, his eyes sparkling, before responding.

"Well, souls that are meant to be together are similar in so many ways, Bella." I sighed, smiling contentedly as I reached down and gently brushed the unruly locks out of his eyes.

"I love you," I said simply. There was so much behind those three words. I couldn't possibly express just how much I loved this man with every ounce of my being. His smile fell slightly and he looked at me longingly as his hands moved up surreptitiously to cradle my face.

"I love you too, baby…so much, but…" He pursed his lips and furrowed his brow, as if in serious thought. My stomach did a nervous flip, until he continued. "Seriously, I can't fucking breathe in here." I laughed out loud and nodded. It was now entirely too _clean_ in that closet for me.

We helped each other up and walked back into the bedroom. I noticed Edward's eyes darting around, residual anxiety from his time of solitude in the closet.

"They're long gone by now," I said, waving my hand dismissively and watching his features relax instantly. He wrapped his arms around my waist and nuzzled my hair, peppering it with feather-light kisses. That was when I noticed he was dressed, at least in his jeans. Why I hadn't noticed that while romping around with him in the closet was beyond me. His torso, however, was still gloriously bare.

"Your jeans are on."

"You're quick," he muttered, chuckling into my hair, to which I pinched his side hard and he jumped, squealing like my five-year-old daughter. He explained that he had grabbed his clothes on his way to the closet…I was thankful that he had chosen that hiding place…and only had time to throw on his jeans. When he had heard me say something about Krissy going in the bathroom, he said he froze. I laughed at the thought of my little girl's musical serenade.

"Did you enjoy Krissy's mad singing skills?" I asked with a toothy grin. He winced and used his pinkies to pretend to clean out his ears. I smacked his arm and glared playfully.

"She sounds beautiful." He looked down into my eyes longingly and my stomach flipped. "I bet she's as beautiful as her mom. It's been a long time since I've seen her." I pulled myself to him and rested my head on his chest, listening to his heart beat and smiling sadly at the memory of the last time he saw my children. We were so different back then. Neither of us wanting to acknowledge the other; neither of us wanting to show the pain..

_The twins were merely six or so months old and we had run into Edward and Kellan at Navy Pier. I remember it was such a beautiful early summer day. I remember the way he looked at me and the way we both tried to focus on one another's children. I remember the awkward glances we stole at one another and the equally awkward 'hello, how are you's.' What I remember the most was how my heart shattered and the intense, almost debilitating pain I felt for weeks after. _

My heart always knew what my head always denied.

I couldn't believe how different I felt now; even over the past few weeks I felt like I had grown up some. That night at the bar, I was so jaded, so immature it seemed and now…it stunned me how different my life was.

Edward drew soothing circles on my back, resting his hands on the small of it as he ghosted his lips over my forehead. My heart stuttered and my breathing started to pick up when we were both startled by an obnoxious buzzing and vibration coming from his pants.

"Fuck," he breathed as he reached into his pocket and pulled away from me. But he threaded the fingers of his right hand through my left and squeezed lightly.

"That explains the buzzing sound Krissy heard." I pursed my lips. He sighed exasperatedly.

"Fucking Emmett. He's blowing up my goddamned phone and he's going to end up paying with his _life_." I chuckled at his mock indignation toward his best friend. "I'm sorry, baby," he continued, "but I better talk to this ass-clown or he'll never fucking stop calling." I nodded my head in affirmation. I watched as he answered his phone in a huff and heard Emmett's boisterous voice bleeding through the speaker. I watched the muscles in Edward's jaw tighten with annoyance and smiled to myself, knowing how much I adored his gigantic, teddy bear of a friend.

"Jesus, Emmett, I was planning to call you later! What the fuck? I've been busy…because you've been fucking blowing up my phone nonstop, dick!" I giggled at his incessant foul mouth, and then blushed, realizing it was turning me on. He quirked an eyebrow at me before cringing and pulling the phone away from his ear as Emmett's voice boomed through again. "I'll discuss that with you later, motherfucker…because I said so!" He raised his voice, but looked at me apologetically as he lifted our clasped hands and placed a soft kiss on my knuckles.

I shook my head and smiled, reveling in his stunning emerald eyes.

"Yes, I talked to her," he blushed as he gazed at me…obviously Emmett was asking about me. Interesting. My heart told me not to be angry that his friends knew, well, almost everything and this time, I chose to listen to it. "No, I haven't yet." I heard Emmett's loud, but inaudible rambling again and Edward's jaw stretched tight once more. "Because I haven't had the fucking _chance_, Emmett…chill the fuck out, dude…" He rolled his eyes and offered me a tight smile. "Jesus Christ, you're killing me here…yeah, I will. I fucking told you I would, so don't get your man-panties in a goddamned wad!"

I snorted loudly and Edward's eyes widened as I heard – this time, quite audibly – Emmett shriek, "You're with her _now?"_

"Sorry," I mouthed, but Edward just shook his head, grinning mischievously.

"Yeah, motherfucker and you're interrupting me. I _said_ I've been busy and I'm _still_ fucking busy." My face exploded with heat and he pulled me to him, chuckling lightly. "Yeah, I'll ask her…fine…I'll talk to you later…I will! Fuck! Okay…okay, bye." He flipped his phone shut and sighed loudly. "Fucking Emmett," he muttered.

Sometime during his short, expletive-filled conversation, I looked around the room and noticed that it was immaculately in order. No trace of the clothes-flying fit I had so elegantly engaged in the night before…before he showed up and essentially, for lack of a better phrase, pulled my head out of my own ass. Regret washed over me right before a feeling of intense gratitude. I couldn't believe I hadn't noticed that Edward obviously cleaned up after me and I was so glad he had. I would've hated to have had to explain that disaster to Charlie and the twins.

"Sorry about that." His crooked smile appeared. "He's such a pain in the ass sometimes…_all_ the time, but he's the brother I never had, so what do ya do. You know?" I nodded, smiling. "And when he started calling, it scared the piss out of me. I accidentally knocked a pair of your shoes off the shelf." I pulled back and narrowed my eyes at him in jest.

"Oh really? Well, that explains the _crash_ my little girl heard." He cringed. I smirked. "Doctor Cullen, are you insinuating that you _weren't_ drooling all over my peep-toe boots, subsequently dropping them when your phone startled you?" I raised my eyebrows suggestively and smirked. He laughed nervously and leaned down, touching his lips to mine, kissing me long and slow, sensually. His tongue traced my upper lip and my toes curled. I pulled back, breathless.

"You're trying to distract me from solving this mystery. I quite enjoy interrogating you," I stated seductively.

"You can't blame me for trying to distract you, you're just too sexy." He reached behind me and squeezed my ass cheeks, making me squeal.

"Hey, on a side note," I began, suddenly distracted for another reason, remembering what I had noticed while he was on the phone. "Did you clean up this room? Because it was…it was…"

"Yeah, while you slept. I hope that's okay, I mean, I…I'm not one for clutter, it…kind of drives me crazy…you might remember, and I just figured…I figured you would be too tired…I wanted you to rest, and…"

"Shh," I pressed my finger to his lips gently to hush his rambling. "It's okay, thank you." I gazed at him in awe and smiled to try and calm his sudden onset of nerves. I couldn't believe he would touch Jacob's clothes, let alone put them away. My heart swelled to another size in my chest. "You…you cleaned me up too. I remember." His eyes grew wide with a veiled sadness behind them that caught my breath in my throat.

"Yes." He nodded and smiled forlornly.

"Edward Masen Cullen," I stated as my emotions tried to overcome me again. "You are simply amazing, do you know that?"

He shrugged and grinned. Smug fucker. I laughed, but a thought struck me suddenly.

"Hey, did you dress me in this?" I untied the belt from around my waist and pulled on the wife-beater a couple times. His eyes darkened instantly with what I could only decipher as pure lust. I followed them to my breasts and pebbled nipples – apparently my natural reaction to him.

"Mm-hmm," he nodded, licking his lips and sinking his teeth into his bottom one as he gaped at me. I wasn't sure what came over me in that moment, but I suddenly burst into a fit of uncontrollable laughter. So much so that I doubled over.

"Bella?" Edward asked, clearly concerned that I had lost my mind completely. "Baby?" he asked again. I was laughing so hard that I couldn't speak; tears were streaming down my cheeks, which were throbbing. I wrapped one arm around my stomach and stood up slightly, waving to him with the other that I was okay, although still hysterically laughing.

"What is it?" he asked, beginning to laugh with me, looking thoroughly confused but amused at the same time.

"It's just…" I took a breath, but the laughter overtook me again. "It's just…" I took a deeper breath and steadied myself before continuing in a high-pitched squeal. "It's just that…you put a _wife-beater_ on me…" I sucked in some air and erupted into yet another fit of uncontrollable giggles. "…And it's Jake's!" I doubled over again, snorting and sputtering. "Get it? Wife-beater…_Jake!"_ I howled with laughter, trying to stand up, but unable to because my stomach was aching and I felt as if I would fall in a heap on the floor at any second. I let myself fall forward again; my vision was blurred by the tears that were streaming out of my eyes due to my lunacy, but I could clearly see Edward's feet turn abruptly in the opposite direction.

I stood up quickly, a little too quickly as I stumbled backward a bit. I wiped my eyes, trying to stifle the giggles – which refused to subside, by the way – because the look on his face was suddenly no longer anything even remotely close to amused. He was scowling at me and his jaw was taut, the muscles flexing in and out.

"What?" I asked, trying not to smile but failing miserably and clearing my throat.

"That's not fucking funny," he spat through his teeth, "at fucking _all_." A traitorous chortle escaped me again and I slapped my hand over my mouth. "Jesus Christ, Bella!" he growled.

I padded toward him, having successfully calmed my giggles for the time being and held my hand up. "Okay…okay, I'm sorry," I said musically, wrapping my arms around his waist and kissing his exposed chest. He hissed at the contact and I felt his muscles calm.

"You just…_fuck_, that's not something to laugh about, Bella."

I nodded and looked up at him. His eyes were rage-filled, sea green and violent, but I knew it wasn't directed at me. I felt like an ass, but I tried my best to make him understand that if I didn't laugh about this stuff once in a while, however manic it might've made me look, I would have, without a doubt, lost my mind. He finally relented and lifted me up, holding me around my waist as he kissed me again, hungry and wanton, brushing his scruff against my chin and making me moan with desire.

I found out after catching my breath and questioning him further, that I had indeed left my cell phone downstairs. I had a very fickle memory of my actions the night before, after I began to lose consciousness. Apparently I also asked him to turn off the ringer on the cordless phone because I was afraid of Jacob calling. The bottom line was that I had no one to blame the situation with Charlie and the twins on but myself. _Big shock there._

Edward asked me about my conversation with Charlie and I went on to tell him the lie I had fed Charlie about his car. He chuckled and shook his head, citing how that was "not bad" and that he would have to thank Paul, should he ever meet him. I rolled my eyes.

We had somehow made our way back to the bed and were in the middle of heated make-out session number twenty-seven, when he pulled away and looked at me, his chest heaving.

"What are your plans for today, my beautiful girl?" My breath caught in my throat at the sound of him, husky and full of desire. Desire for me.

"Well, I'm not sure, Doctor, but this right here is perfectly fine with me." I ghosted my fingers along the contours of his face and his eyes fluttered closed as I traced his eyebrows and lids. "I could do this forever," I continued as his lids opened, his emerald gaze burning into me. "But eventually the tyrannous twins and the chief of police will return." I pouted and batted my eyelashes playfully, although, it did twist my insides to think of him leaving me today. He shrugged and smirked. _Have I mentioned how much I love that smirk?_

"I don't know, you've already explained away the car. I could just live in the closet."

I snorted.

"The monster in the closet," I whispered, touching the tip of my finger to his nose. "Until Monday." I cringed and he sighed.

"Your kids would think I'm a monster anyway, huh?" He grimaced. I shook my head instantly and furrowed my brow.

"No, Edward. They'll love you too…in time." I tried to swallow the lump that was forming again in my throat. _Jesus, how did we always get back here? Why couldn't we have at least five full minutes of unbridled happiness without the situation rearing its ugly head? Soon, _I told myself. I mumbled something about needing to turn the ringer for the cordless back on and reached over for it. Once I had corrected the volume, I noticed the ridiculous amount of missed calls.

As I scrolled through them, I saw several calls from Charlie, which elicited a pang of guilt; there were a couple from Alice this morning, one from Angela, and at least six from Jacob. He must have gotten bailed out quickly and made an early morning flight because there were three calls between two a.m. and three a.m., and then nothing until six-thirty a.m. Apparently he gave up after that. If only that would last. Edward must have noticed the anger on my face as he turned the phone so that he could see it and growled quietly.

"Jacob," he muttered. "So he's what? Out of town?"

I nodded. "Seattle." He raised his eyebrows as if figuring out a clue in a mystery. His gaze turned dark again.

"Back on Monday?" he asked through gritted teeth. I nodded. He huffed loudly through his nose and looked away. I grabbed his face to make him look at me again.

"But the kids and I won't be here," I said a little more curtly than I intended. "We're…staying with Alice for a few days." I assumed she wouldn't mind. She had offered us her place before. I made a mental note that I needed to call her.

"I'm…I'm sorry," he muttered, shaking his head and looking very apologetic.

"It's okay, Edward, but understand this…I'm never going to live in the same house as Jacob Black ever again. I don't want him anymore. Just because we can't flaunt each other right away like we _both_ want to," I stressed to make sure he understood that I wanted that as much as he did, "doesn't mean I'm not hopelessly, unconditionally and irrevocably in love with _you_." He smiled so widely, I thought it might split his gorgeous face.

"Well, I guess I don't need to ask you how you feel."

"You shouldn't," I retorted.

"_God_, I love you too." He crashed his lips to mine with such fervor it set my skin on fire. His tongue mingled with mine in a delicate, yet passionate dance; sucking and licking, moaning and panting, sending tingles of need straight to my core. I could feel his need for me pressed firmly against my hip and it only served to spur me on. That is, until something he had said piqued my curiosity again. He had said 'I'll ask her' in response to something Emmett had said to him. He was looking at me when he said it, so I assumed that he was speaking of me. What did he need to ask me?

"Edward," I breathed as he licked just behind my ear. _Fucking hell, he would be the death of me. _

"Mmm?" he responded against my skin, sending chills of pleasure to my already aching center.

"Edward," I said again, a little louder this time. He pulled up and stared at me with apprehension.

"Wh—what? What's the matter, baby?"

"Nothing," I replied with a coy smile, not wanting him to worry. "I was just wondering what Emmett wanted." His eyes widened with absolute incredulity as he exhaled.

"Are you kidding me right now?"

"No." I smiled innocently. "Did he want you to ask me something?"

"Oh, hell no!" he grumbled. "Emmett fucking McCarty does _not_ get to cock-block me, especially not indirectly!"

"Oh, come on." I smacked his shoulder playfully. "Just tell me what you guys were talking about." He grumbled some more and I batted my eyelashes.

"I would like you to know," he huffed, "that my dick hates you and Emmett both right now." I reached up and pulled his head gently down to mine, exhaling in his ear and causing him to shiver and groan.

"I'll make it up to you and your dick," I whispered.

"Fuck," he mumbled in response and ground his hardness into my hip again. "Okay, um…" he breathed as he held himself up on his forearms. "So…Em and Jazz had this bright idea to put our band back together for this, uh, this open mic thing and…" A light blush crept over his face and neck as he trailed off. He seemed so bashful all of a sudden speaking about his band playing again and it was nothing short of adorable. I nodded to show him that I was listening and interested.

"Anyway, we've been practicing and…well, I was wondering if you would maybe want to come…see us play?" Without further thought or hesitation, I answered him.

"Of course I would." But he rambled on as if he didn't hear me.

"I mean, it's no big deal and it's a couple weeks away at—at Moonstruck." He cringed as he named the place, looking away from me. "And I know that place doesn't hold the best memories for you…and, and I know you may not want to be in public with me…"

"Edward," I tried to interrupt.

"But, so I've been working on a song…for, for you, so I was just…it's no big deal." His voice had become quiet, waiting for my rejection obviously, so I touched his face to make him look at me.

"Edward, you silly man, I said yes. Absolutely, I want to see you play! Are you kidding?" His eyes searched mine; apparently looking for any sign of insincerity, but there was none. I made sure of that. God only knew what his singing and playing guitar did to me, emotionally and physically – and although it did scare me to out our relationship in such a public venue, I wanted nothing more than to be there and see the guys come together and play.

_And let's be honest, I also wanted to swoon like the fucking fan-girl that I am._

"Really?" he asked, his face lighting up like the brightest star in the midnight sky.

"Yes, really." I rolled my eyes. "I wouldn't miss it for the world." He laughed, relieved and then held his breath, smirking. "What?" I questioned his odd expression, which was somewhere between elation and mortification.

"Emmett and Jazz have…requests."

"As in…" I raised my eyebrows.

"Remember how you said, that one time, how we should set Jasper and Alice up?"

I nodded.

"Well, Jasper has expressed…" he smirked again. "...interest."

I gasped in delight and clapped my hands together. His expression conveyed exactly what I had hoped. It was more than mere interest. And Alice? Oh, Alice was going to be all over that like white on rice.

"Oh my God, she's going to shit! I have to call her!" I squealed as I shimmied out from under him, threw the covers off and jumped out of bed.

"Now?" he asked as I bolted out of the room.

"Oh yeah!"

I heard him groan and mutter something along the lines of "cock-blocking son-of-a-bitch" as I trotted down the hall. I retrieved my cell and went back to the bedroom to see Edward lying on his side, holding his head up with one arm and pouting toward the doorway. Good Lord, he was beautiful. He took my breath away.

I cringed as I added up the additional missed calls, and scowled, seeing a few more from Jacob. Alice had called my cell a couple times as well, so I knew I would get an earful when I called her back, but hopefully this news would distract her enough to refrain from reading me the riot act.

I hopped back on the bed, pretty much tackling Edward with a giggle, but he didn't seem to mind. Only when I straddled him and held my phone up, beginning to dial Alice's number did he whine again. I quirked an eyebrow at him and snorted.

"Oh, chill out, doc. You have no idea how much my sister is going to love you after this." He grinned proudly, but motioned for me to hold on a second. I looked at him expectantly.

"Emmett." He flared his nostrils. I shook my head confused.

"What about him?"

"I don't suppose you or Alice would know anyone who would be willing to _hang out_ with him, do you?" He gestured quotes around the phrase 'hang out.' I shoved my tongue into my cheek.

"And by hanging out you mean?" He looked at me like I had suddenly sprouted a second head.

"Well, considering he's only really interested in tits, ass, and…vagina." He winked at me. I rolled my eyes.

"I'll see what I can do, Edward, but I'm not sure either Alice or I know anyone who's only interested in cock and balls." He threw his head back, laughing and I licked my lips at the sight of his Adam's apple bobbing.

Forbidden fruit, indeed.

I had to pull the phone away from my ear several times after I got Alice on the phone. Initially, because she had answered it yelling at me. Something about 'it's eleven _goddamned_ o'clock in the morning and I hadn't called her yet'…blah, blah, blah… 'she was worried sick'. I mean, _Christ_, it was still morning. Her anger quickly dissipated and turned into squealing excitement when I explained to her as cryptically as possible that Edward was with me and had spent the night, as well as the run-down on the guys, the band playing and the possibilities of Jasper and her.

I was certain Edward heard her outward musings about how Jasper was "so fucking hot" and "oh, the things she could do to him" because his shoulders shook with silent laughter and his face was a very lovely shade of pink. I had to end up jumping off the bed at one point to try and keep him from eavesdropping.

I finally got her excited ass off the phone with a genuine promise to call her back later with "all the gory details" – her words, not mine – of my time spent with Edward. I hardly planned to tell her everything, but I was certain she would have gotten a kick out of the monster-in-the-closet scenario. My sister was quite wicked in that way.

I sighed as Edward wrapped his arms around me from behind and placed soft, wet kisses on my neck. A rush of want raced from where his lips were perched and headed straight to a specific area as he reached my ear. I turned to face him, raising my eyebrows coyly as his hands traced down my back and gave my ass a gentle squeeze. He would be my undoing.

"I really need a shower," I told him, my voice low and sultry. His eyes rolled back in his head.

"Bella," he growled. "That is a very dangerous thing to say to me."

"Is it, now?" I retorted, biting my lips and swirling my fingers over his chiseled chest.

"Mm-hmm," he murmured, lifting me, wrapping my legs around his waist, and moving quickly to the wall where he pressed into me. An embarrassing moan flew from my lips. After a couple of toe-curling grinds, soft caresses, as well as several mind-blowing tongue flicks, he pulled us from the wall and suddenly we were on the move. He stumbled through the bathroom door and sat me roughly on the granite countertop, pressing himself into me harder than ever before.

I liked it.

I wanted more of it.

His hands were frantic as he pulled the wife-beater off of me and tossed it to the floor. In a flash, they were on my breasts, kneading desperately and making me whimper like nothing else. He lifted me with one arm, while his fingers on the other hand worked nimbly to remove my underwear. I kicked them off my feet quickly. I reached my hands down in front of me and scraped my nails along the denim of his jeans. Finally gripping the button fly, I pulled with force, popping all four at once. He let go of me just for a second to shimmy his jeans down his legs and stepped out of them. His hands were back on me with lightning speed, gripping just under my knees and pulling me flush to him at the edge of the counter.

I gasped, grabbing his shoulders to keep my balance and moaned as his erection – hard as steel – met my wet center. His fingers tangled in my hair as our mouths collided, our tongues swirling around one another's urgently…deliciously. My fingertips roamed down his torso in front of me, tracing, outlining the defined muscles of his pecs and abs. I felt the soft hair on his chest prickle and stand on end under my touch and it gave me a sense of carnal satisfaction that I alone could elicit such a response from him.

I reached between us and ran my left hand up his length, running the pad of my thumb over the tip, seeping with the seed of his desire. He cried out softly and bit his bottom lip, letting his head loll backward. When he pulled his head back up to look at me, his eyes were dark with lust. He grabbed the back of my head with one hand, the other snaking around to my back, and crushed me to him, plunging his magnificently talented tongue into my mouth. My skin exploded into flames.

I was fucking gone. Under his spell and completely bound to him, mind, body and soul.

"Edward, please," I panted, pulling my mouth from his. "I need you inside of me." He pulled back for a split second to study my face.

"Are you sure—" he began, concerned again, but I interrupted quickly. He was insane to think I would be in this position and not want to follow through.

"I'm sure, please, I need you. I want you. Right now."

He groaned and licked his lips. _Oh, the lips._ Without further hesitation, he grabbed the underside of my knees and pulled them up his sides. I braced myself with my casted hand and, before he had a chance to move his hands from my knees, wrapped my fingers around his shaft with my left.

"Jesus fucking Christ, baby!" he growled as I pumped him once, feeling him harden even more with my touch, and lined him up at my entrance. I let go of him and threaded my arms up around his neck, gliding my fingers into his hair.

My head fell back as he entered me, painstakingly slow at first, and his fingers crept their way up my thigh until they reached my ass, gripping my heated flesh tightly and thrusting the rest of the way in with a half-growl/half-moan. Sexiest fucking sound I had ever heard in my life.

"Uhhhh, _fuuuuuck_," fell from his lips. He stopped his movements, leaning over and placing his open mouth on my outstretched neck, his teeth grazing along my erratically pulsing vein until he reached my ear. "I will never get over…" His breath sent shockwaves of pleasure straight to my core. "…how fucking good you feel." He pulled almost completely out of me before thrusting forward hard and fast. I cried out incoherently. "You are so beautiful, baby." He thrust again, just as hard, gripping my ass a little tighter.

I dug my nails into his scalp and he hissed, tilting his hips up and hitting the spot that made stars burst behind my eyelids…made me scream out in unbridled pleasure. He didn't stop. He thrust again and again, his lips roaming over my jaw, meeting my own hungry lips briefly before moving down my neck to my chest. My back arched in response. He found his way to my heaving breasts, pulling my nipples into his mouth and flicking his tongue gingerly over them…teasing me, driving me insane and making me writhe beneath him; my body was already craving release. He pulled my knees higher around his waist, pushing in deeper as the fluttering, the sparks began again.

"Oh God…Edward…_more_," I moaned between my gasps. My lungs were burning for more oxygen, but I didn't care.

He increased his tempo and moved his lips back up toward mine without breaking contact with my skin, colliding them with mine, unleashing a feral growl as his tongue stroked expertly in a way that made my thighs clench around him involuntarily. I broke the kiss, my chest heaving, and my skin in flames as he continued to drive into me, bringing me closer to euphoria with every thrust. I traced along his jaw with my tongue and he moaned, my name falling from his lips. The sound of it made me whimper. It was truly beyond my comprehension what he could do to me with sounds alone. When my tongue reached his ear, I continued to trace it tenderly before I released a breathy moan into it. He bucked erratically.

"Fuck, baby…_Christ_ that is so fucking sexy," he groaned. I responded by flicking his earlobe with my tongue and whispering in his ear.

"I love how you're fucking me on my bathroom counter, Edward."

"_Fuck_…" He slammed his lips onto my exposed neck and tugged on my skin with his teeth gently. I cried out and he pressed his hand into my back, wrapping his lips around my collarbone. "_Holy…fucking…mother…fu…ck_," he sputtered into my ear on his erratic breaths, between equally erratic thrusts and I knew he was close. His hands gripped my ass so tightly that it was almost painful. I knew I would probably have marks, for which he would hate himself later, but I couldn't bring myself to care one bit.

It felt so fucking good…and dirty…wrong, but so right at the same time.

I fought against the guilt that was trying to surface. I wouldn't let it in. I had vowed to myself and to Edward, even though he didn't know it, that I would never feel ashamed of my relationship with him. I also knew, however, that my resolve would most definitely be put to the test.

I had no doubt in my mind that this beautiful, remarkable man was my soul mate from the very beginning, but even soul mates, it seemed, had problems that could be impossible to overcome at times. Our foreheads and noses were touching, our chests heaving, our breaths washing over one another and our eyes fixed on each other's, allowing full access into our very souls…burning together, molding into one.

I met him thrust for thrust, feeling my muscles begin to clench and the buzzing, like that of an electrical wire inevitably on the verge of explosion, begin in the pit of my stomach and radiate in all directions. I moaned his name and panted, squeezing my eyes shut, much to Edward's disapproval.

"Open your eyes, baby," he said on his breath. I responded with only a moan, my eyes still tightly sealed. "Bella, open your eyes right fucking now," he growled dominantly. Oh _sweet Jesus_ how I loved his rough, sexy side, but I couldn't let him think he had me, even though he did in every way imaginable. My eyelids flew open quickly, but I narrowed them to a glare. He grinned wickedly. The fucker knew I wasn't angry with him.

"I want to see it in your eyes…what I do to you."

Good Lord, that was almost enough to do me in right there, but I held off, grabbing the back of his hair in my fist tightly and eliciting a loud moan of pleasure and pain from his lips. I smirked and crashed my lips to his, sinking my teeth into his plump bottom lip before licking it gently.

"Fucking…_shit_," he said breathlessly, pulling back to stare into my eye again, and thrusting into me hard.

"Oh God, Edward…I'm so…" I threw my head back and cried out. He reached one hand up to my face and traced along my cheek bones with his fingertips. As he ran his thumb along my bottom lip, I opened my mouth, pulling it inside and caressing the pad with my tongue.

"Bella," he whimpered as he pulled his wet digit from my mouth and proceeded to trail it down my neck, my chest and my abdomen. He reached my slick folds and began to draw small, quick circles around my aching bud with his thumb.

"Unnfff…fuck," I whispered, gasping…spiraling out of control.

"Come for me, baby," he whispered, his eyes liquid fire as I gazed into them. He gasped. "Come with me…_fuck_, I'm so fucking close." He thrust into me once…twice…a third and final time, and that was it for both of us.

"_Edward!"_ I screamed out as he came, pulsing into me and I exploded, clamping down around him. His movements had ceased except for the palpable pounding of his heart and heaving of his chest as he tried to control his breathing. Quiet expletives fell from his lips in quick gasps as he cradled my head in the dip of his shoulder, peppering my hair with chaste kisses.

My body was shaking, tremors overwhelmed me as I ever so slowly came down from the most amazing, mind-blowing orgasm I had ever experienced to date. Every orgasm he gave me was out of this fucking world, but this one…this was one enough to make me go blind for a couple seconds. I couldn't get my heart to slow down. It was pounding against my ribcage like a sledgehammer as I continued to cling to him with my arms and legs, my entire being.

"Are you okay, baby?" he asked, his words a hushed whisper.

I was. I was perfect, but as soon as his gentle tone met my ears, I was overcome with emotion again. Stupid, traitorous tears filled my eyes once more as I pulled back to look into his eyes. His countenance changed from elation to that of intense concern in an instant as his bright eyes of swirling greens met mine.

"Oh baby, what's the matter?" He moved his hands up and smoothed my sweat-dampened hair away from my face. He kissed me softly and pulled back again. "Did I hurt you?" I shook my head quickly and smiled at him, watching his features soften under my gaze. I reached up, tenderly brushing the worry line between his brow and his eyes fluttered closed as he quietly sighed.

"No, you didn't hurt me, Edward," I responded softly. "You made me feel amazing, like you always do." His eyes opened and I could have sworn I saw them sparkling this time.

"There has never been anyone…" He shook his head and clenched his jaw. The emotion seemed to be transferring from me to him at that moment. "And there will never _be_ anyone else who makes me feel the way you do, Bella." He drew in a breath. "You're it for me. I want you to know that. I swear on my life, I would die for you right now." He cringed slightly at his own words and his lips spread into the dazzling crooked grin I loved so much. "But I probably shouldn't have said that out loud because my boy needs me and that just makes me sound…does that make me sound like a terrible father?" I pressed my finger to his lips and shushed him, shaking my head.

"Not any more than it makes me a bad mother because I feel the same way about you." He smiled sadly and nodded. "Just," I began, exhaling sharply, "please don't ever leave me, Edward." I choked on my words and his brow furrowed again in trepidation. He immediately cradled my head in his hands, this time shushing me.

"Hey, hey, don't you ever worry about that, okay? Every single cell in my body belongs to you. Do you hear me? The good, the bad and the fucking ugly, baby, it's all yours." I laughed on my breath, blinking away unshed tears.

"All your cells belong to me, huh? Spoken like a true doctor, doctor." I quirked an eyebrow at him playfully. A low growl rumbled from his chest as he pressed his lips to mine.

"Don't start with that 'doctor' stuff and that thing you do with your sexy eyebrow unless you want me to keep you right here in this position all day long." I felt his dick twitch inside me and smiled wryly at him.

"While I would love that, _doctor_," I stated purposefully. "I really need a shower." He clenched his jaw and ground into me. Damn him. My resulting whimper fueled him.

"Well I need one too and…" He pressed his lips to mine again. "I think you might need some help in there. We wouldn't want that lovely cast getting wet, would we? _Wet_. When he said the word… that was precisely what happened to me. _I swear, he's not human_.

"Oh you think so, huh? Because I obviously haven't been able to manage on my own all these weeks," I replied sardonically. He pursed his lips and frowned, feigning indignation, and then raised his eyebrow seductively. That look, coupled with the godforsaken crooked grin made my insides ignite once again. He had me. He knew it and I knew it.

I watched in awe as Edward wrapped my casted arm securely in Saran Wrap and taped it, nearly professionally and effectively waterproofing it. He drew me in like a moth to the flame as I observed him concentrating, his tongue darting out to moisten his soft lips and determination in his eyes as he worked diligently to make sure no water would seep into my cast. He amazed me in every way.

In the shower, the hollow emptiness I had felt when he pulled himself from me on the bathroom counter was soon replenished as he took me from behind. My breasts pressed firmly against the glass as his hands roamed over my hips to my stomach and downward. My head fell back against his shoulder as his fingers danced their way down entirely too slowly. Finally, they reached the place I needed them most and slid against my throbbing flesh as he thrust into me repeatedly.

I reached behind me, grasping onto his firm ass, feeling him shudder and release a guttural moan as I dug my nails into him. He pulled me away from the glass and bent me over a little more, but not uncomfortably so, one hand roaming over my back and around to palm my breasts while the other still working circles over my center, bringing me closer to the edge.

"So fucking beautiful," he murmured, leaning over me to kiss along my shoulders and neck.

It was all too soon that I came undone, calling out his name repeatedly and he pulsed inside of me with one last forceful thrust.

"Every day for the rest of my life," he whispered so quietly I could barely make out the words, but my heart understood and thumped wildly in response. I turned and wrapped my arms around him, kissing his chest and mumbling my affection for him in response.

Edward was so gentle and caring, so attentive as he washed my body thoroughly.

Afterward, we ate a very nutritious breakfast of cereal for me – Lucky Charms to be exact – and strawberry Pop-tarts for him. His smirk while eating them was not lost on me. In fact, he made some ridiculous comment about how much better the strawberry filling would taste were he to eat it off of my body. I crinkled my nose and feigned disgust, but heat and crimson flashed across my face. Yeah, he saw it, quirking an eyebrow wryly at me.

XXXX

I didn't want to let him go that afternoon, but I knew I had to. It was an inevitability that I tried to ignore all day and I couldn't help but muse if there would ever come a day when I wouldn't wonder when we would see each other again. Edward knew it, and I believed he felt it too as we clung to each other and he peppered my head with feather-light kisses. Neither of us wanted to make the first move to let the other go.

I turned away before he had even disappeared down the driveway. One, because I couldn't stand to watch him go. _Pathetic? Absolutely._ And two, because I had too many things to start thinking about to dwell on his retreating car. I did have to constantly tell myself, however, that I would see him soon.

I didn't even know where to begin. The loneliness was suffocating, but I decided I needed to at least try and categorize my life at this point. I had so many things to do…things to think about; my mind couldn't possibly wrap around it all. First things first, I needed to secure a place for the twins and myself, for at least a few days when Jacob got home, so I called Alice.

In a nutshell, she informed me that I was a crazy bitch for even having to ask if we could stay with her. Apparently, that was my sister's way of saying, "I love you, Bella. You and the twins are more than welcome to stay with me as long as you need to." God love her. She, of course pressed me for more information on my night with Edward, but I deflected, stating that the kids would be home any minute and I needed to clean up a bit. A lazy glance out to the driveway sent my heart racing as I realized that Edward's car – the car I had told Charlie was Paul's and would be here for the duration of the weekend – was gone and that little fact would definitely not escape Charlie's attention.

I panicked and told Alice I had to go, much to her disappointment. She finally agreed, laughing wickedly when I explained that I was trying to cover my ass with our father regarding an epic lie I had told him earlier. She knew I sucked at lying. Did she offer any clever ideas? Nope. I told her that we would see her on Sunday evening sometime and hung up quickly, searching my desolate brain for something to tell Charlie. The best case scenario would be for him not to come back here and see that it was missing at all. Finally, an idea struck me so I called him, offering to meet him and the twins at the local diner in Elk Grove Village for dinner and hoping beyond hope that he would agree.

Charlie, being the practical man that he was, initially grumbled about all the leftovers he had to eat, not wanting them to go to waste. But after I put on the melodramatics of wanting to get out of the house and not wanting to be reminded of the debauchery that was Thanksgiving dinner, he reluctantly agreed.

When we reached the diner, my darling children exited the cruiser squealing as usual, but also clutching these enormous pillow-looking things that were almost the same size as the twins themselves. Upon closer inspection, it appeared that these were not just any pillows, they had fins and scales and…God, they were hideous.

"Fish pillows? Really, Dad, you got them gigantic fish pillows?" I questioned with a quirked eyebrow as he told me about their day. He shrugged nonchalantly as we piled into the mahogany booth.

"What? They wanted them…and they were being good, so…." he trailed off. "It was better than getting them all the fudge and old fashioned candy they begged me for." He smirked, clearly proud of himself. I rolled my eyes.

"But, Grandpa, we _did_ have some fudge," Robby piped up. Charlie's eyes grew wide. "Remember? I had the one with peanut butter, and Krissy wanted another piece, but you said that it was bad enough what we ate and Mommy would not be happy about it if we had just fudge _all_ day. Then, remember we had the chewy taffy stuff—" he rambled on as Charlie's face began to turn red. I, of course was staring at my dad with eyebrows raised.

"Uh, so what's good here?" Charlie grabbed a menu and held it up, pretending to study it while hiding his face from me.

"Nice try," I snorted, trying to be as annoyed as possible. "_Dad_, we talked about this." My sarcasm turned into a sniveling whine. Charlie ignored me.

"Oh, Mommy!" Krissy started enthusiastically. "Grandpa said he would buy me and Robby some _fishies_ for our roooooms!"

"Uh…Dad?" My raised eyebrows furrowed and I proceeded to glare at the man sitting across from me. He ignored me. I noticed him grip the menu a little tighter, but the distinct sounds of chuckling, coupled with the shaking of the menu told me that he found this shit amusing. "Charlie Swan!" He dropped the menu down in front of him and grinned, his mustache twitching with obvious mischief.

"Oh, Bells, they liked the fish. A couple goldfish aren't that hard to take care of. They want some."

"Oh! And whatever the twins want, the twins get, huh?" I quipped. He nodded and I sighed, tossing a crouton at him from my Caesar salad, hitting him square in the nose. He scowled at me, to which I giggled. "I can't wait for Alice to reproduce so you can spoil the crap out of someone else's kids for a change." His eyes grew wide again.

"Whoa, now. Let's not get ahead of ourselves here." He laughed and I had to laugh with him. The thought of Alice with a kid was utterly ludicrous.

Charlie proceeded to give me curious glances throughout our meal and I could tell he wanted to ask me more about the goings on the night before, but thankfully with the kids in earshot, he couldn't. In as little words as possible, I told him not to contact me on the home phone for the next few days, that we would be at Alice's, and he simply nodded sadly.

XXXX

The twins and I made it through the rest of the weekend and to Alice's apartment without too many issues. I satisfied their curiosity as to why I was packing so many clothes for them and myself as well as their necessary toys and those God-awful fish pillows, by telling them that we were going to have a 'vacation' at Auntie Alice's house for a few days. That was it. That was all I could come up with, so I was hoping to brainstorm on other brilliancies over the next couple days as I figured we would be there longer than the twins realized. I hoped it wouldn't end up that way; that Jake would maybe stay with his Dad or something….his girlfriend, possibly, or his _other_ baby momma, but I wasn't counting on it.

He was a stubborn asshole and I had no doubt he would play the 'this is my house and I'm not going anywhere' card to try and con me into coming back there. He was about to find out how fucking serious I was about this shit.

He hadn't bothered to try and call me for the remainder of the weekend, which I was relieved about, but I wanted to make sure we were out of the house well before he made it home Sunday night, so I broke down and texted him, asking him what time his flight got in. My phone rang immediately after I sent it, but I didn't answer. It rang again, but I continued to ignore it. I didn't want to speak to him, I only wanted an answer to my question and I didn't need to hear his voice to get it. Finally, my phone buzzed with a new text.

_So, yer not gonna answer when I call? Big surprise._

It annoyed the shit out of me that he continued to try and guilt-trip me.

_Just answer my question, Jake. There's nothing else I need to know, _I replied quickly.

_Whatever. It'll be late, so don't wait up. Plenty of time for u to spend with yer new bf._

God, he was such an asshole. It enraged me that he had the balls to insinuate such a thing, even though he was partly right. Seriously, he could go fuck the entire state of Washington for all I cared anymore. I knew at that moment that I was making the right decision. The bitch in me couldn't resist replying to that particular text.

_You're such a dick, Jake. You'll have plenty of time to spend with your gf and/or other baby momma. Screw who you want. I don't care anymore._ I wasn't expecting a response to that one. I figured he would refuse to acknowledge his fault, and while the response was short, I was still caught by surprise. Actually, it was me who didn't respond to what I received back from him.

_Bells, I'm sorry._

It was too late for his 'sorry.'

Despite my general aura of melancholy, I tried to keep the mood upbeat as the twins and I prepared to leave the house. Thankfully they hardly noticed, but of course my sister did. As usual, she met me at the door with a sad smile and wrapped her skinny arms around me, squeezing lightly. She eyed me warily without saying anything, until her attention was redirected to…something else, and a look of horror spread across her features.

"What on earth are those things?" She crinkled her nose and pointed at the giant bass and catfish my beloved children were toting along with them. I feigned confusion.

"What?"

"_Those _things. What the…where…why?" She was shaking her head, clearly befuddled.

I laughed, explaining that our fish-obsessed father was rubbing off on my impressionable children, and that we needed to get her knocked up soon so that I didn't have to deal with it anymore. She gasped and tried to smack me, but I dodged it. She, of course, then stated matter-of-factly that she would have to see what she could do about making the disgusting looking fish pillows more 'fashionable.' I groaned. I was giving it two days tops before my sweet children were ready to murder their Auntie Alice.

I didn't feel much like talking the rest of the night. I resigned to listening to my sister go on and on about how excited she was that we were staying with her for a while and how much fun we were going to have. She blathered on about Christmas shopping and gasped, stating that we absolutely _had_ to get new, amazing outfits for our night out with the 'sexies' as she called the guys. She reiterated that she wanted me to "thank" Edward thoroughly for her, but, with wiggling eyebrows, didn't want the details on how I would go about that. If I had been in a better mood, I would have squealed along with her, but once she mentioned Christmas, the magnitude of everything I had going on hit me like a ton of bricks.

Christmas was in less than a month and I had been so wrapped up in my own selfish bubble that I didn't even think about it. Then there was the twins' birthday party, which I had no idea – with things the way they were – where we were going to have it now, and…_oh my God, my column!_ I had all but forgotten about it in the wake of the disaster that was Thanksgiving as well as the aftermath. I made a mental note to call Kate tomorrow and, unfortunately, the flighty intern – slash my annoying assistant – Nicci with a "_k_ sound, not a _ch_ sound." Ugh. Kate was going to bust my proverbial balls for not having it done yet.

The twins were off, no doubt cluttering Alice's spare room with their belongings, but she didn't seem to mind. As we sat and talked – well she talked, I stewed – the evening news came on, creating an almost welcome distraction. The distraction soon turned to fleeting terror as a story broke about two more rapes…this time in Grant Park, just south of Millennium Park, and the other in Humbolt Park, almost straight west of there. I watched in grief-stricken horror as the reporter described the suspect.

Not that there was much of a description at all…black hoodie, dark pants, still no description of what he actually looked like. The rapes were almost identical; he attacked from behind, forced them to face the ground, and proceeded to beat them savagely. I felt sick. The thing that made me gasp and clasp my hand over my mouth in shock, however, was when the reporter mentioned that the police were now calling this man a serial rapist, and that all of the women attacked looked strikingly similar.

Thin in stature, between five-foot-four and five-foot-eight in height, shoulder length or longer dark brown hair and blue eyes.

My God, they looked like…_me_.

My phone started ringing immediately and I jumped. Looking at the caller ID, I realized it was Edward and answered breathlessly. I wasn't sure how it was possible that he was watching the exact same news cast as I was at the exact same time, but he was and he told me he needed to make sure I was okay. My heart swelled as I assured him I was fine, just a little shaken up, and he made me promise him I wouldn't venture out into the city alone after dark. My protector. How did I get so lucky?

Alice's phone rang almost at the same time and, while she was watching me carefully, questioningly, she answered. I realized it was Charlie when she rolled her eyes and responded shortly after that she was _"always careful, Pop_."Apparently, he had also seen the story and was going all 'Papa Bear' on his girls. He must have asked about me as well, because I vaguely heard her saying that we were there and getting settled in just before she hung up with an irritated sigh.

I breathed out a quiet 'I love you' to Edward before he let me go, and before I could prepare myself, Alice was questioning me relentlessly about my reaction to the news story. It was at that moment that I realized I hadn't told her about James or my run-in with him at the park, nor had I informed her of the restraining order I had filed the weekend before. I broke down and told her about all of it, rendering her speechless…_that_ was a very difficult feat to accomplish. Finally, after a very long and awkward minute, she found her voice.

"Oh my God, Bella. And you think he's the guy…the rapist?" Her tone was a shrill whisper. I shrugged.

"I can't be sure, but the similarities are unnerving, Al," I replied quietly. I didn't mention that I was completely disturbed that the victims had similar features as me and it seemed that she hadn't noticed. I was glad, I didn't want to assume something and unnecessarily worry her. She nodded. I was sure she had run out of things to say to comfort me at this point.

"But it's not just that, Alice," I continued, shaking my head. "I have to meet with my attorney tomorrow, Jake's going to go ape shit when he realizes we're not there tonight, and I need to figure out what I'm doing with our living situation because that asshole isn't going to give up the house he _built with his bare hands._" I rolled my eyes. "I have to work on my column for the paper and I'm…I'm completely overwhelmed. I feel lost, and I just want…I just want the people I love to know that even though I have no idea what I'm doing right now, that I'm lost…you guys haven't lost me." My sister put her arms around my shoulder and gave me a squeeze.

"I know that, babe. I also know that you're speaking of one person above all others, right?" I nodded and blushed. "I'm sure he understands that, Bella. He'd be a fool not to."

"I tried to tell him again today, Alice, about the baby," I blurted out, unthinking. "Right before Dad and the twins showed up." She dropped her head and sighed.

"I know you're going to one of these days and I know I won't be able to stop your stubborn ass. I still don't think it's a good idea, but I want you to know that I'll be there to have your back, whatever you decide to do." She smiled sadly.

"Thanks, Al, and thanks so much for letting us stay here for a little while." I gave her a quick peck on the cheek and smiled.

"Well, honey, you know that you and the kids are welcome to stay here as long as you need to. Mi casa es su casa, baby sis." I laid my head on her shoulder and sighed. "And maybe you can ask your attorney what your options are about keeping the house…I mean the asshole doesn't deserve it after the things he has done to you…oh! That reminds me!" She jumped up, startling me, and trotted off down the hallway. I just stared after her in confusion and rolled my eyes. My parents should have seriously named her 'Renee Junior.' When she returned, she had her digital camera in hand and a small manila envelope. I narrowed my eyes suspiciously.

"Uh, Alice, what are you…"

"You said he put his hands on you again last night." She cocked her head to the side. "We're documenting this shit, Bella. And these…" She held out the envelope to me. "…are the rest of them. You still have the pictures from the school on your phone?" I nodded. "Good, now let's get this over with."

"But, the twins…what if they come in here? Alice, I don't want them to see any of—"

"I checked on them," she interrupted, "they're in the middle of a very dramatic episode of Spongebob _Idiot_-pants, so I think we have a few minutes." She raised her eyebrows and, after I stopped giggling from her description of my kids' very intelligent educational programming, I relented and pulled my arms from my shirt. She gasped loudly and covered her mouth with her hand before removing it and holding the camera up with trembling fingers.

"I'm so proud of you for leaving this motherfucker, Bella," she said with a shaky voice. Pride welled up inside me as I realized for the first time that I was proud of myself as well.

Despite my ominous prediction, I was surprised I didn't hear from Jacob at all that night. I simply made the assumption that he was telling the truth about getting in late and on top of that, he probably had a few potent cocktails and was either too tired or too drunk to bother with calling to harass me. I knew better than to think I wouldn't hear from him eventually…be harassed by him. That was just too easy. I was terrified of what my immediate future might hold, but confident at the same time that I was doing the right thing. I just hoped and prayed I was strong enough to get myself and my babies through this with as little trauma as possible.

Needless to say, as I laid my head down on the foreign pillow, covered myself with the foreign blankets Alice gave me and stretched out on her foreign couch, sleep evaded me again that night.

XXXX

_**Chapter End Notes: Hmm, I wonder why the victims all resemble Bella? Do you think that means anything? Damn that Emmett cock-blocking our good doctor! Can't wait to hear what you all think. Please hit that button below, reviewers get to hold Docward captive in their own closet. *eyebrow wiggle***_

_**To everyone going to see Water For Elephants on Friday….SQUEEEEE! I'll be there too! Can't wait, I'm sure the fandom will be a-buzz! Happy movie going all and, oh yeah, Happy Easter to those of you who celebrate it! Until next time… **_


	47. Chapter 43, I Can Wait Forever

Forsaken In My Mind's Past

Chapter 43, "I Can Wait Forever" ~ Simple Plan

Edward POV

_***A/N: No, your eyes are not deceiving you. This is, in fact, an update!**_

_**First of all, I am total fail for not updating sooner and I'm sorry. I would bore you with the details of my mundane existence as well as the writer's block that struck me during this chapter, but I'm sure you'd rather just read it. A couple things before we get there: **_

_**As always, major thanks to my super-fast and extremely talented betas, fmneff and THEsnapcrakklepop, for getting this back to me in record time. And thanks to those of you who are still with me and hangin' on for dear life! **_

_**Thanks bunches to whoever nom'd FIMMP for 'Best Bella' in The Sunflower Awards, and "Best Emmett" in the Avant Garde Awards! Even though we didn't win and didn't make it to round 2 of the AG Awards *pouts a little* It's always amazing to know that someone's thinking of my little fic! **_

_**Also, I need to warn some of you that there may be some material and statements in the chapter (made mostly by our beloved Emmett) that some may find offensive. Emmett, being rather unhinged as well as ex-military and having served in Afghanistan, you just never know what's gonna come out of his mouth. Please take it with a grain of salt. He means well. **_

_**Song Link, I Can Wait Forever- www . youtube . com/watch?v=Bymr-Xc2Z-M**_

_***All things Twilight related are owned by the one and only Stephenie Meyer. I don't own the movie or song references. Everything else…is all mine!**_

XXXX

"_You look so beautiful today,_

_When you're sitting there, it's hard for me to look away,_

_So I try to find the words that I could say,_

_I know distance doesn't matter, but you feel so far away,_

_But I can't lie, every time I leave my heart turns gray,_

_And I wanna come back home to see your face tonight…'cause I just can't take it!_

_Another day without you with me…is like a blade that cuts right through me,_

_But I can wait…I can wait forever,_

_When you call, my heart stops beating…when you're gone, it won't stop bleeding,_

_But I can wait…I can wait forever,_

_You look so beautiful today,_

_It's like every time I turn around, I see your face,_

_The thing I miss the most is waking up next to you,_

_When I look into your eyes, man I wish that I could stay,_

_But I can't lie, every time I leave my heart turns gray,_

_And I wanna come back home to see your face tonight…'cause I just can't take it!_

_Another day without you with me…is like a blade that cuts right through me, _

_But I can wait…I can wait forever,_

_When you call, my heart stops beating…when you're gone, it won't stop bleeding,_

_But I can wait…I can wait…I can wait forever,_

_I know it feels like forever…I guess that's just the price I gotta pay,_

_But when I come back home, to feel your touch makes it better,_

_Until that day, there's nothing else that I can do…and I just can't take it!_

_Another day without you with me…is like a blade that cuts right through me,_

_But I can wait…I can wait forever,_

_When you call, my heart stops beating…when you're gone, it won't stop bleeding,_

_But I can wait…I can wait…I can wait forever,_

_I can wait forever…I can wait forever…I can wait forever…I can wait forever,_

_I can wait forever."_

XXXX

Loneliness.

That's what the fuck I felt when I left Bella that day and drove for what seemed like hours back to my apartment. Kellan wouldn't be home for two more days and as bad as it sounded, it was probably a good goddamned thing.

I felt like doing nothing. I felt like sitting on my ass and wallowing in my own squalor, drinking several Heinekens and forgetting my name for a while. I was a miserable bastard and I wasn't denying it to myself any longer. I didn't even have Kel to distract me. I had taken a leave of absence from work and now I was regretting it, because I didn't have that shit to distract me either. My parents weren't a viable option for distraction because Esme was constantly worried about me, and Carlisle was irritated with my lifestyle choices as of late.

The only option I had for distractions were my friends – that wasn't appealing because all they would want to know is if I had gotten them dates for 'open mic night.' Well, Jazz would call it a date, anyway. Em would probably ask if I found him some pussy. That motherfucker needed to branch out…get his own goddamned pussy. I was no matchmaker. That much I fucking knew. Nevertheless, if Bella didn't find someone for him, I was going to have to listen to him whine like a bitch all night. I was hoping she would, for the sake of my own ears.

_Yeah, I'm a selfish asshole._

So, as it seemed, the only appealing options consisted of beer, beer, more beer, pretzels and some old Kung-Fu movies to keep my sorry ass company all night. I loved watching old Kung-Fu. It got me motivated; made me want to get back to the center. I really missed the kids I used to teach, made me feel like a productive member of society. Not that I wasn't by being a doctor or anything. I thought maybe I should go there, to the old studio…see the kids…weigh my options. I made a mental note to think about doing that possibly in the morning. Right now, I was fucking sulking…and drinking.

_Fuck_.

I couldn't stop thinking about her, though. Bruce-fucking-Lee wasn't even helping me and he usually _always_ did the job. I kept thinking about the night before, how I had almost lost her over something so completely ludicrous. I couldn't stop thinking about the way she looked when she woke up next to me, or actually in front of me, pressed tightly against my hard-on. She looked so beautiful, sleepy and shy, even with all she had gone through the night before…that motherfucker putting his hands on her again, which, by the goddamned way, made me want to tear him limb from limb. Maybe watching Kung Fu wasn't such a good idea after all.

Of course, then there was the whole thing about her morning breath. I had to laugh at her for that shit. My girl didn't have morning breath. At least none that I could smell. She smelled heavenly to me, always had and always would. It felt so good to be with her, uninhibited for once. I felt freer than I had in a long time and, as warped as it sounded, not so much like a _home wrecker extraordinaire._ Well, that was until Charlie showed up with Bella's twins and I had to hide in the goddamned closet like the adulterer that I was.

It was fucking humbling to say the least. I still couldn't think about the idiocy of that situation without shaking my head repeatedly.

But, the times we spent together before that little incident and after were priceless to me. Making love to her was mind-altering…life-changing…earth-shattering. _Yeah, I sound like a fucking pussy. I don't give a fuck._ I couldn't help it; she had that effect on me and I was powerless to stop myself from satiating myself and her…repeatedly. She was made for me, I was made for her. There was no doubt in my mind about that. I wanted to be free with her. I wanted to be with her night and day…every day for the rest of my godforsaken life, however long that may be, but right now, I couldn't. I hoped, I _knew_ we would get there someday, possibly soon, but that was the problem I was having.

Getting there. Being free to love her the way I wanted to. But for now, I was stuck with my frustration.

Still, I couldn't help but smile to myself, however evil it may have seemed, when I thought of how I had taken her in several different places in _his_ motherfucking house. I took her on the stairs; I took her in _his_ bed, on _his_ bathroom counter, in _his_ shower. It was fucking amazing, too amazing for words alone. She was in my heart, in my lungs. She was a part of me and I would stop at nothing to keep it that way.

Four beers and one hour later, I was in the midst of watching Lee kick the shit out of some ninja-looking dude with a Samurai sword when my cell obnoxiously began to vibrate. I picked it up and rolled my eyes.

Fucking Emmett.

I knew sooner or later he would be back to blowing up my phone, so I let it continue to ring. He could sweat it out for a while. I was barely starting to get a buzz and was not interested in having it squashed by Emmett fucking McCarty wondering who I had gotten lined up for him to lay. It buzzed again and I slammed my hand on the sofa, cursing under my breath. My brilliant doctor mind came up with an idea to try and throw him, so I picked it up and channeled Christopher Walken just before answering.

_What? He's my go-to impression. I don't have anything else in my repertoire._

"Thank you for calling Uranus Proctology, where we've got your back every day of the week. How may I help you?" I tried not to snicker at myself as I initially heard silence on the other end of the line. Finally, my asshole friend – _pun definitely intended_ – spoke up.

"Oh, thank God I've called the right place!" he shrieked. I narrowed my eyes to a glare. This motherfucker… "Can you tell me what the easiest way is to get a gigantic black dildo…I…think it's called the black mamba, you may have heard of it…out of my buddy's asshole? He's not gay, at least I don't think so, but I think he's confused, ya know. I think it's the sex-hair he's sporting. I…told him not to look in the mirror, but wouldn't ya know it, he did it anyway and, I don't know, I guess he fell in so much love with himself that he literally wanted to fuck himself. He's a doctor, so he thought he could, you know, _handle_ it, but I told him it was a bad idea. And you guessed it, he shoved that big fucker right up his ass and now it's stuck…_waaaaaay_ up in there. Please! Can you help?"

"Fuck you, Emmett," I snarled.

"Edward?" the asshole questioned. "Is that you?" I only sighed in response. "Edward, get off the line! This is serious! I'm trying to get you the help you need. Sticking a giant black dildo up your ass is _definitely_ a cry for help…and I'm here for you, man!"

"The only asshole big enough to stick a black mamba dildo into, Emmett, is yours," I spat. "Now, I'm _trying_ to watch Bruce-fucking-Lee. What the fuck do you want?" He laughed, loud and obnoxious as only Emmett was talented enough to do.

"Bruce Lee, huh? Man, Bro, you must be feeling nostalgic. Either that or getting ready to kick somebody's ass."

"I think you know the answer to that, Emmett," I muttered, ignoring the second half of his statement as I continued. "I was thinking about going back to the studio, you know, where I used to teach the kids."

"Well, isn't that sweet," he stated sardonically, irritatingly. "But, honestly, dude, I could care less. I believe you have some information for me?" Two could play at this game.

"Oh you do, do you? And what information would that be?" I retorted with an equal amount of sarcasm.

"Don't fuck around, Edwina. You got our dates lined up for Open Mic Night? Say yes, and I just might have some very interesting information for you too, bro."

I thought about it for a second, deciding to take a chance and answer him simply. I was intrigued as to the information he had for me and didn't want to miss out on it because I didn't necessarily have a girl willing to spread her legs for _him_ just yet. He did say if I said yes, he would divulge, so I fucking said yes. Period. That was all he needed to know.

"Yeah?" His voice went up three fucking octaves. "Sweet! Oh, dude, this is going to be so fucking awesome! We're gonna make them cream their fucking panties, bro!" I rolled my eyes. Motherfucking caveman.

"Sure, Casanova," I deadpanned. "Now, what's this _info_ you have for me?" He laughed, so obnoxiously that I wanted to crush the phone in my hands. "What now?" I growled, annoyed.

"I believe you promised me a recap of last night, did you not? As well as what happened afterward, since you seem to have spent the night with you…know…who!" he replied, way too fucking amused with himself.

"Dude, I didn't promise you a goddamned thing. Just because you assumed, when you left me at my parents' house stranded with fucking Tanya Denali, that I was going to call you and tell you everything does not mean that I am. Seriously, Em, you need to stop fucking watching Gossip Girl. You're starting to freak me out a little."

"Fuck off, Edwina. I only watch that shit when I'm way fucking bored, and of course when I need a visual to jerk off too, alright? You're forgetting that I have some _serious_ information for you, now spill the fucking beans."

"You're a dick," I retorted.

"I know. Did I tell you the info I have involves a very interesting connection between James Campbell and Victoria Sutherland? What happened with Tanya?" I ground my teeth together. Yeah, this was information I wanted to hear and he was playing hard ball. I was going to have to spill. Fuck it; I gave him the cliff notes version.

"Fine, motherfucker!" I snarled. "If you must know, nothing happened. She simply came over to visit…catch up. That's it."

"You're a lying sack of shit, Edwina, and my lips are sealed," he quipped. I groaned internally.

"Oh, and she wanted to let me know that she's in love with Garrett. It's a long story, but she met up with him in Kansas City, they fell in love, yada, yada, they just moved back."

"What…the…fuck?" He seemed to be processing as he spoke. "Oh, that dirty bastard!" he screeched. "I can't believe he didn't say anything…and with you and Tanya, you know, history and all that…oh, the shit he's gonna catch from me tomorrow at practice! And you're cool with all of this?" I hadn't been listening as he rambled, until he asked me again.

"Huh? Yeah, man, I don't give a shit. I told her it was fucked up, and that he would catch a lot of shit from _you_, but I'm cool with it."

"Fucked up, yeah, I mean…you and Tanya were serious at one time, dude." He said this as if I didn't know, but I had to chuckle at his lopsided logic.

"I can think of more fucked up situations, Em, i.e. stealing Bella from her husband, even though he doesn't deserve to fucking _look_ at her ever again," I growled the last part to myself.

"Oh shit, yeah!" He guffawed so fucking loudly I had to pull the phone away from my ear with an irritated sigh. "Remind me to never get married. I'd hate to have to kill you for stealing my wife!"

I seethed. Oh, he thought he was so fucking funny.

"Har, har, motherfucker. Screw. You. But, I don't think you'll _ever_ have a problem _not_ getting married." He started to spout off some obnoxious response when something he had said struck me. "Wait a minute, what did you say about practice? Tomorrow?"

"Yep, one o'clock pm sharp, dude. I'm bringing the beers, but if you wanted to contribute, I wouldn't be offended. I know how you like the Heini's," his statement was dripping with innuendo and I – for about the twentieth fucking time – wanted to reach through the phone and punch him.

"Fuck," I whined like a ten-year-old being told to come in from playing outside. "Where?"

"Jazz's place in Roscoe," he replied, all up-beat and excited.

"Why his place again?" I was being difficult and I didn't give a fuck.

"Because, dick, he's the only one with a fucking garage and a basement." He started chuckling again. "I swear, he's so fucking domesticated, it's disgusting. I wouldn't be surprised if he asked that Alice to marry him as soon as he sees her. By the way, who's the lucky lady you got for m—"

"Emmett!" I cut him off quickly. "Christ, you're like a kid with ADHD! What's this _serious_ info you have for me about the sociopath and the red-headed whore? Spill," I demanded.

"Red-headed whore, huh? I remember a time when _you_ didn't think of her as such a whore…I mean, we all saw it, but…" he rambled between chuckles. My blood pressure was steadily increasing. I was questioning why I was such good friends with him.

"Emmett," I warned, "let's be clear, she was always a whore to me. Now, spill!"

"Fine! Goddamn, you're a testy motherfucker these days. You'd think with as much pussy as you've been getting from _Bella_, you'd be a little more pleasant to talk to. _Jesus._ You know I'm dying to find out what the hell happened with her. You were with her all day?"

I take it back. I didn't want to punch him…I wanted to shoot his ass in the motherfucking head.

"Emmett, I'll be much happier when she's free of you-know-who, now, I swear to God if you don't tell me…" He cut me off this time before I had a chance to threaten him further.

"For fuck sake, Edwina, get off your fucking period already. You think you're little threats do anything for me? I spent a lifetime in the hell that is the middle fucking east, hiding in bunkers, wiping my ass with sand, dodging camel jockeys and crazy as fuck haji's, not to mention battling motherfucking sand spiders as big as your head, so I could give two fucking monkey turds what you have to threaten me with. Your kung-fu has _nothing_ on my military brass, son!"

_Oh here we fucking go._

This was what he did when he was trying to get the upper hand on me. I took a deep breath before calmly responding to his bullshit.

"Emmett…first of all…fuck…you. Now, please, can you find it in your big purple heart to tell your good buddy, who is in no way a…camel jockey, or whatever the fuck you just said, what the hell you need to tell me? I mean, I can always call Bella and cancel for Open Mic Night…"

"You know you're a dickhead, right Edward?" I responded that I definitely did and, thankfully, he started talking…_really _talking. "Alright, so this James dude and Victoria go way back." My interest was immediately piqued. "Oh, you're gonna fucking love this one. So, Victoria's no longer a strip…uh, an adult _entertainer_, she's a nurse and she met one James Campbell when she started working at a hospital in Seattle…"

"Uh, excuse me?" I asked, completely dumfounded. That would have been the last career of choice I would have ever, and I mean _ever_ picked for Victoria unless she was interested in getting her hands on prescription drugs easily…which I wouldn't put past her. Emmett ignored me and kept talking.

"Yeah, no fucking shit. Anyway, red-headed whore and, as you say, sociopath have been friends for some time. I haven't figured out just yet what all this shit means, but, the most I was able to get my hands on was some phone records for the both of them."

"Wait a minute, phone records?" I asked emphatically. "Emmett, you own an electronics chain…how the hell did you get a hold of…"

He sighed audibly in response. "Jesus Christ, does it matter? I have a PI buddy, ex-military…everything else is classified _infor_-mation,"

"Of course." I rolled my eyes.

"He owed me a favor for some shit I got him for free, alright? Now, can I get on with it already?" Oh, now _he_ was the impatient one. This fucker…

"Please do," I replied sardonically.

"Alright, so he's made several calls to our lovely Victoria the past few weeks. They've been calling each other non-fucking stop!" He sounded excited and it annoyed me. I sighed, unable to make heads or tails of what the fuck he was talking about.

"Okay…so, what's that supposed to mean? So they're calling each other, big deal, right?"

"You know, I thought you were supposed to be smart, Edward. Sometimes I wonder how you made it through medical school.

"I'm tired, motherfucker," I growled, "and I skated through medical school, no thanks to your constantly drunk ass, so give me a break, alright?"

"Fine. Listen carefully brainiac. Not only have they been calling each other, but Victoria's been calling none other than Jacob fucking Black. Regularly."

I sat straight up on the sofa. He now had my complete attention, and I was stunned. I was beyond stunned, I was fucking astonished…beyond words. And what he said next threw me over the edge.

"Oh yeah, and _yesterday_, this Campbell fucker called Jake himself." I just sat there silent, taking it all in, putting pieces of the imaginary puzzle together in my head. I cursed to myself, mumbling incoherently for I wasn't sure how long. "Ed?" His voice barely registered in my ear. " Yo, Edward?" I was still mumbling and had gotten up to pace the floor. _"Ed-ward!"_

"What the fuck, Emmett? Do you know what this means?" I felt like Sherlock fucking Holmes, and Emmett was Watson. Of course, if I so much as breathed the phrase _"Elementary my dear Watson"_ to him, he'd call me a fag and move on with his day. Hacking into other people's personal financial statements and phone records, he could do, but he had probably never heard of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

"They're in fucking cahoots. A monkey could figure that out, Edward," he deadpanned. This motherfucker…

"No shit, Sherlock…" I chuckled inwardly; surely he had heard that phrase. "What it means is that Sam is not, nor is any other cop, following Bella. It's fucking James!" I yelled. "That psycho piece of shit has been following her around, watching her…and me…and reporting, like some goddamned minion to Victoria and fucking Jacob. What the fuck? Crazy ass motherfuckers." I was rambling, more or less talking to myself, and was definitely pacing by now.

"So, what are we gonna do about it?" I could hear him cracking his knuckles and I smirked, cracking my own. At that moment, I glanced at the TV in time to see Lee finishing off a round-house kick by slamming his foot into his opponents throat, crushing his larynx. I smiled wickedly. Unfortunately, cooler heads would have to prevail right now. Searching out a couple of ass-clowns, however dangerous those ass-clowns may be for the sole purpose of beating the living shit out of them (thus more than likely landing my sorry ass in jail) would definitely not help Bella in any way at the moment. I sighed.

"I don't know, but I know they've got some shit up their fucking sleeves. I'm making it my mission to keep Bella safe. I'll do whatever it takes, Em. If either one of them touch a single hair on her head, I swear to all that is fucking holy, I'll kill them. And it won't be quick and painless. I'll make them suffer first." Emmett chuckled darkly before responding.

"There's the bad motherfucker I know and love! You just say the word, and I'll be right there by your side, cracking bones. In the meantime, I'll keep checking up on these assholes."

"Okay, Em, sounds good man."

"But in the meantime," he began, "you can go ahead and tell me what the hell you and Bella were up to today. Huh?"

"Fuck off, Emmett," I quipped. "Some things are still fucking sacred. Thanks for the information, man." I hung up the phone to the sound of his boisterous laughter as I realized what an oxymoron it was that had just come out of my mouth.

XXXX

I thought about it all night. Correction, I thought about a lot of shit all night. It was a wonder I got any sleep at all. First of all, sleeping without Bella by my side served as a slow torture. Granted, I didn't get to sleep with her nearly as much as I wanted to…to hold her, spoon with her, feel her delicate body up against mine…but she was my drug. One night in a slew of other nights was simply not enough. One hit of her and I was hooked. I could never get enough. It was beyond fucking ridiculous, but so was my life lately.

Of course then there was this little issue concerning the sociopath, the red-headed whore, and their strange connection with douchebag Jacob Black. Why had she been calling Jacob and why the hell had James called him? I tried, all night, to wrap my head around it. The only thing that made sense was what angered me the most…that Jacob had that son-of-a-bitch watching her and reporting to him through Victoria. It disgusted me. There had to be a motive, an agenda for all of them involved. For Jacob fucking Black, I could see why he would want his wife watched. Not that it was rational or even sane, but he was a prick and his _property_, as he saw it, was distancing herself from him. But, what was in it for James and Victoria? Was it monetary? Was Jacob stooping so low as to pay them for this? _I wouldn't fucking put it past him. _Whatever the case, considering what James had done to Bella…what he had attempted to do…

My body shuddered with a sudden onset of rage at the memory. I couldn't help but feel that his agenda was even darker than what we thought.

XXXX

The next morning I was anxious, jittery, which made no sense at all given the fact that I had hardly slept. I had wanted to call Bella so badly the night before. I wanted to tell her the information Em had disclosed to me, but I knew if I did, it would only serve to worry her. She didn't fucking need that. She had too much on her plate as it was. Still, if I stood around my apartment any more, I was going to lose my mind. I had so much pent up energy thinking of those motherfucking assholes messing with her life that I needed to let off some steam before I blew.

I thought about working out, which I hadn't done in a few days…possibly a couple weeks, I wasn't sure. But then I felt claustrophobic in my apartment. I hadn't been for a run in quite some time and I decided to do it. I hoped maybe it would help clear my head of the images I was conjuring up. James and Victoria…Victoria and Jacob…James hurting Bella…Jacob fucking hurting Bella…James at Rosalie's brownstone…interacting with my fucking kid. Yeah, I was definitely in need of a long, cross-country run or I was going to fucking lose it.

I threw on some thin black sweats and a navy blue Nike hoodie over my white tee-shirt. I laced up my shoes, tossed my keys in my pocket along with my cell and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge before heading out onto Dearborn Street. It was fairly early in the morning, so the streets of downtown Chicago weren't all that busy just yet, but it was cold as fuck. My balls instantly scrambled to find warmth somewhere in my body and I threw my hood on to keep my ears from getting frost bitten and falling the fuck off my head.

I didn't feel like running all over the middle of downtown, but it was a beautiful day, despite the arctic air, so I thought about taking a scenic route. I ran north until I hit West Jackson Boulevard, and then headed east, toward the lake on East Jackson Dr. It was a straight shot and as I ran, I could finally feel my blood circulating. My head was becoming clearer, and the fresh, crisp air filling my lungs felt fucking amazing.

I thought of her. I thought of her deep, sapphire eyes and her long chestnut waves highlighted in red. I thought of her delicate, ivory skin and slightly pronounced curves and I smiled. When my thoughts turned lascivious and I began to think of how her bare skin felt next to mine, how it felt to be inside her, to take her all over the house that _he_ built…_his_ house, how she had begged me with her body language to fuck her all over that house, my dick began to react as it always did. I had to regain control.

Running down the streets of Chicago with a giant fucking chubby was definitely not an option.

I pushed those thoughts aside and thought about the kids, about how much I wanted to be introduced to them. So much, I wanted to meet them…to tell them how much I loved their mom, but I knew I couldn't. So much, I wanted Kel to meet Bella. I knew he would like her. Hell, I knew he would fucking love her instantly. I wanted to introduce her to him as 'Dad's girlfriend,' but that was impossible at this point as well.

It fucking irked the shit out of me.

And just like that, my serenity was shattered. It was good in a way, however, because the irritation I felt pushed me to run harder and faster. I reached Lakeshore Drive before I knew it and headed north, running along the shore. If it wasn't for the icy wind biting at my face and draining all the blood from my fingertips, one would think it was a nice, warm day given the brightness of the sun and the nonexistent clouds in the sky.

On the contrary, it was colder than Rosalie's tits and I felt like a middle-aged woman going through menopause…cold sweats, hot flashes (_Don't get cute, it was from running, motherfuckers_) and I was moody as fuck.

I pushed my legs harder and faster as I kept up a steady tempo with my beating heart and expanding lungs. Of course, in my haste to get out of my apartment, I had forgotten my i-Pod, so I was forced to listen to the sounds around me. The waves from the lake, crashing into the shoreline, were somewhat soothing, so I tried to focus on that. However, the squawking of the seagulls was distracting. How they weren't freezing solid in their mid-air flights and plummeting to the ground in the arctic temperature was beyond me, and as their irritating sounds grated on my nerves, I wished a few of them actually would.

_They're not freezing because their body physiology isn't the same as humans, their more adapted to the outside weather—oh shut up, stupid scientific brain!_

I felt the burn in my glutes, my quads, and my hamstrings. It felt good for a while at least, but trying to focus my attention on my muscles burning as well as the beginnings of the burning in my lungs…to keep my thoughts from drifting back to the insidious situations at hand (_yeah, fucking plural…situations…as in more than one fucked up occurrence after another wrapped up in one giant motherfucking conundrum) _was just futile. I ignored the group of what appeared to be high school football players that blew past me on the beach in a lopsided line, and…._oh who am I kidding…_I pushed myself harder than ever, trying to prove to my thirty-two-year-old body that I still had what I had in my teens. I didn't. That much was made painfully obvious by the fact that they were running faster in sand than I was on the sidewalk.

The doctor in me was throwing up red flags and frantically waving his hands, telling me to ease the fuck up or else there would be some serious physical pain in my near future, but I gave him the finger and pushed harder. I tried to ignore the couple engaging in what seemed to be a blatant, early morning rendezvous in an older-looking SUV parked haphazardly right on the beach. The windows were mostly fogged up, and I could barely make out the male form sitting in the driver's seat, but I faintly detected a blonde head bobbing up and down before I quickly averted my eyes and shook my head with a smirk.

_Jesus Christ, people have balls the size of Mount Everest to do that kind of shit out in the open like that. Maybe I was a little bit jealous, who knew?_

I continued running as fast as I could, much to the dismay of my inner doctor, who was now screaming at me to just stop already. I didn't. I told him to shove it up his pretentious ass and left him in my dust, lab-coat flapping in my wake. Once I saw the familiar outline of the one and only Navy Pier, I decided only then to slow my pace, thinking I could cool down on the pier and rest before heading home.

It was then that I realized how much the asshole doctor in me might have been right. My heart was trying to beat its way out of my chest, my muscles were on fire, my legs felt like Jell-O, and my lungs were on the verge of explosion. _Damn the laws of physics and gravity and all that other bullshit! _I slowed to a steady jog as I rounded the corner onto the pier, nearly collapsing, and making a mental note to get my ass in better shape. I bent over, clasping my hands over my knees and taking slow, cleansing breaths before rising up to stretch my arms up over my head. The sun was blinding and hot, but the air still crisp and frigid. I welcomed the slight breeze cooling my skin as the sweat evaporated from it. As I walked around in a circle a few times just slowing my heart rate, I noticed a blur of pink and brown out of the corner of my eye, but ignored it as I had tried to do everything else.

As I began to make my way to the end of the pier – I wanted to bask in the beauty of the lake before the ice and snow of winter rendered it colorless – I heard the muffled sound of an excited child, and felt something hit my legs and bounce off. I looked down in front of me, befuddled, and noticed that the blob of pink and brown I had seen before was now on the ground in front of me…in the form of a little girl, a toddler, that couldn't have been older than three. She was looking up at me with huge, confused brown eyes and I panicked.

"Oh my God…sh…fu…" I growled at myself for my lack of filter. "I mean, are you okay?" I bent down quickly and picked her up, standing her on her tiny little feet. Her torso was so small that my fingers overlapped one another, even around her thick, bright pink coat. Her pink and white stocking cap with a large fuzzy ball on top had stayed securely on her tiny head, but I couldn't help noticing her long, dark brown curls flowing out from underneath it. She was beautiful, and reminded me of what Bella's daughter might look like. Which reminded me of…her, of course. It made my heart clench in my chest.

"I'm so sorry, little one, I'm so…are you okay? Where's your mo—" I continued to stammer, checking her over for any signs of injury. She was standing of her own accord, save my hands roaming over her arms…good sign. She wasn't crying…even better sign…only looking at me with those huge, brown, quizzical eyes.

"Daddy?" she cut me off, mid-stammer and my jaw went slack. _What in the fuck?_ It was the first of many thoughts that sent my mind reeling into a full-on man melt-down. _Three years ago…is she three? What the fuck was I doing three years ago? _Court dates flashed before my eyes, followed my checkbook and money flying out of my pocket like a vacuum. I shook my head, suddenly realizing. _I'm not Jacob fucking Black, I'm Edward fucking Cullen and three years ago, I was with Rose. Unfortunately, I was faithful to the succubus. Nope, not your daddy, kiddo._ I tore my eyes from hers and looked around, searching for said 'Daddy' but didn't see a man that appeared to be searching for a child. I looked back down at her and continued to stammer.

"Uh, n—no, honey, I'm not your daddy." Her eyes instantly filled up with tears as it seemed she suddenly realized her own mistake and I freaked out again. "Oh, no, don't cry, please don't cry." I began to pat her back gently. "We'll find your daddy." Just then I heard a woman screech and looked up to see a very pregnant young lady with coal black hair down to her shoulders and an extremely panicked expression riddling her features.

"Izzy? _Isabelle! _Oh my God, baby, I thought I lost you!" She waddled over to where I was comforting her little girl…Is—Isabelle (_seriously, God fucking hates me, doesn't he?) _and snatched her up into her arms. She looked me over skeptically, a strange expression in her eyes…the same deep brown as her daughter's. I smiled apologetically, as if the kid didn't run straight into me, although I could've been watching where I was going more closely…_yeah, yeah, I get it_.

"I, uh, I think she's okay. She ran right into me and fell down. I'm, uh, I'm a doctor, so I checked her for injuries. I'm pretty sure nothing's broken." I flashed my crooked smile, hoping this mother wouldn't berate me for trying to kidnap her kid or something. I continued quickly when all she did was stare at me. "I, uh, I think she thought I was her dad?" Her face instantly flushed and I thought I saw a flash in her eyes before she seemed to gather herself and giggled lightly.

"Oh please tell me she didn't! I'm so sorry, sir." She looked up at me through her lashes and then addressed her daughter. "Izzy, Daddy's parking the car, remember sweetie?" _Izzy_ nodded absently at her mother. "Besides, your daddy isn't as tall..." She raked her eyes over me. I was starting to feel a little awkward. "S—same color eyes, but his hair is darker. Not as lean…Daddy's got a little bit of a spare tire…" her voice trailed off. She seemed to be speaking more to herself as her tone quieted to a hushed whisper. I interrupted before this shit got out of hand and _Daddy_ walked up on her ogling a strange man, because it had become blatantly obvious that's what she was doing.

"No need to apologize, Ma'am. I'm Doctor Edward Cullen, by the way." I held my hand out to shake hers. She giggled again before extending hers. My grip swallowed her tiny hand. She was so small; I wasn't sure how she was carrying around her giant belly as well as her toddler.

"Um, Denise," she introduced herself. "And you've already met Isabelle. We call her Izzy." I nodded. My eyes fell on the tiny girl.

"It's a beautiful name," I managed to choke out. It was almost the right name, but not quite. Beautiful, nonetheless.

"So, what kind of doctor are you?" my new stalker asked. I cringed before responding.

"I'm, uh, I'm…I'm an Obstetrician/Gynecologist."

Her face flushed a deep pink again and a sly smile crept across her thin lips. I rolled my eyes internally. It wasn't that she didn't seem like a sweet girl…or that she wasn't attractive, it was just extremely uncomfortable to be standing there getting eye fucked by a pregnant woman about to pop, holding her toddler and waiting for her husband to come and pick a fucking fight with me.

Not.

Interested.

"Well…" Her eyes roamed my body again, lingering a little too long on my junk to be at all comfortable, before she continued. "Too bad I already have one." I simply nodded. _Thank Christ._ I didn't need that headache right now.

I made small talk for a couple more minutes before excusing myself finally and making my way toward the end of the pier again, quickly glancing at the currently abandoned club, Moonstruck…the start of the debacle that was Bella's life, and mine. I had mixed fucking feelings.

Of course, not fucking watching what I was doing _again_, I ran straight into a goddamned light pole and bounced off of it, much like the toddler did my legs. I shook my head, trying to get my wits about me and feeling like Wylie fucking Coyote. If I hadn't known better, I would've sworn there were little stars and birds circling my head. There weren't enough people on the pier to be as mortified as I should've been, however, a very distinct giggle changed all that.

The tenor of the young voice struck me somehow as familiar, but I couldn't place it. I whipped my head to the right, half expecting to see Bella or her little girl, but instead was met with a pair of huge, expressive eyes half-hidden behind a curtain of wavy auburn hair. _What the hell is it with me and little girls today? _She was a stranger by all accounts, nestled between what I could only determine as her parents on a bench, although she looked nothing like them. Still, there was something hauntingly familiar about her. Her father had jet black hair, graying at the temples with a goatee, and her mother had chin-length, mousy brown hair, which was impeccably styled. They were all three dressed to the nines and looked like a picture perfect family. Both parents, however, were oblivious – staring out over the water – as their daughter, who had to be around ten years old, give or take, gazed at me.

Her eyes were an odd color, a mixture of blue and green…maybe a little more blue than green, making them a shimmering aqua. They reminded me of the waters around an island in paradise and they were…incredible. I was mesmerized by them. Familiar, yet foreign. I felt like I was in a trance as she gazed at me with amusement. I snapped out of it as best I could and smiled at her, bending my torso over to take a very dramatic bow. She rolled her bright aqua eyes at my antics and smiled playfully. Something about that small gesture made my heart clench once again in my chest.

It was fucking bizarre.

The woman sitting next to her said her name to get her attention, but I didn't catch it. "I think it's supposed to snow this week," she said excitedly.

"Well good," the little girl replied almost exasperatedly, but with elated enthusiasm. "I've been waiting for it _forever_ and we're leaving next week. I hope it does. I really wanna see some snow, Mom!" Again, something about the cadence of her voice…the way she said things, sincere yet with a little sarcasm, struck a chord in me. I had to tear myself away before her parents caught me gawking and thought I was some kind of fucking pedophile or something. She caught my eye once again as I turned to continue down the pier and smiled brightly, giving me a timid wave. I nodded once in her direction and grinned before turning away.

I hung out there on the pier for a little while longer just taking in the sights of early morning Chicago. I tried to keep my attention away from the little girl with the brightly colored aqua eyes and somewhat familiar features, but there seemed to be an invisible force that kept turning my head in her direction. Each time, I saw her smile shyly at me and give a little wave again. Each time, I turned away, wondering why I felt myself being pulled toward her. After a while, and after the pier began to fill up with tourists, I started to get a strange, uneasy…unpleasant feeling. It was the feeling of being watched; stalked was more like it as the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end. I knew it wasn't the gaze of the little girl because for one, I hadn't gotten that feeling from her, and two, when I turned to look again, she and her parents were gone.

I took that moment to leave before I made a fool of myself and called some random stranger out for stalking me. I berated myself internally for being a motherfucking paranoid lunatic and, since I was exhausted from my over exertion…_yeah, screw you, voice of reason_…I caught the "L" train down to the south side of Chicago. I wanted to check out the YMCA where I had taught Jiu-Jitsu to under privileged kids before the succubus put her eight-hundred dollar Manolo Blahnik-sheathed foot down.

_Yes, I know what the fuck they are…my ignorant ass bought them for her. Eight-hundred twenty-five dollars to be exact. I do not exaggerate. _

The morning class was nearly over when I arrived. I hung back, watching them finish up. It hit me like a tidal wave how much I loved this sport – art was more like it – and how much I missed it. I felt the familiar bubbling in my chest as I observed the young boys and girls completing technique after technique of kicking and punching. To me, the movements of Jiu-Jitsu alone were incredibly graceful and fluid, beautiful in a way. I was entranced. I didn't recognize the kids in the class, but instantly recognized their sensei as one of my older students from a few years back, Jared.

He caught me watching as the class was dismissed and walked over to me. He bowed traditionally to me and although it caught me off guard, I bowed back, reveling in the nostalgia of it. We talked for a bit, catching up some, and I left there wanting nothing more than to resume my old position as a voluntary sensei. I made a mental note to stop thinking about it and just fucking do it already as I made my way back to my apartment. I made another mental note to try and practice some of the meditation techniques to get myself in check. Thanks to _mister observant_, Jared, who informed me that I looked, and I quote, "like someone ran over my puppy." Awesome.

XXXX

Practice with the guys was…interesting.

Interesting in the fact that for the first half of it, Garrett would hardly make eye contact with me. I finally had enough of it and told him to man the hell up, that I didn't give two shits about the fact that he was with Tanya, _and_ I made sure to mention that absolutely nothing happened between us when she invited herself to my parents' house Thanksgiving night.

Emmett, being the asshat that he was, smirked when I said it, but Garrett lightened up, lifting some of the copious tension. Unfortunately, that was short lived as Jazz, who was only hearing about it for the first time, began relentlessly busting his chops. It was Emmett, however, who could always be counted on to change the mood from passive to volatile with one ingenious sentence.

"Well, fuck, Garrett, you're a lucky son-of-a-bitch that Edwina here's okay with you banging his ex…even though she is lookin' pretty fucking hot after all this time." _I swear, the guy really needed to get laid. I would have to be checking with Bella on that…fucking stat._ Oh, but he didn't stop there despite the hint of rage apparent in Garrett's eyes. "At least it's a woman in question," he continued with a sarcastic smirk. "The way you were being so secretive about the shit…I was beginning to think you were queer."

That did it.

Garrett's eyes bugged out of his head and his jaw went slack, before his face turned a shade of red I honestly had never seen before. Emmett chuckled at an infuriated Garrett, but things took a dark turn when Garrett exploded and more or less called me out for being the home-wrecker extraordinaire that I so obviously was. It pissed me off, sure, but when Emmett flexed his muscles and went after Garrett thinking he needed to protect my honor like some medieval knight in shining fucking armor, I was a little bit stupefied. I guess I should've been more appreciative of his 'big brother' antics, however, had he just kept his giant mouth shut in the first place, there wouldn't have been an almost brawl in the middle of Jasper's basement.

In the end, cooler heads prevailed…_and by cooler heads, I mean one in particular in the form of the ever-present southern gentleman_…so we man-hugged and made up, finishing our practice session by jamming out old school-style to Bad Company's 'Feel Like Making Love.' Of course, Emmett's rendition went a little something like, "Feel like busting a nut! Yeah! Yeah! Girl, take it in your mouth!" Needless to say, Em's ass-aholic antics lightened the mood and had us cracking up again like old friends should.

It didn't take me long to get back to my brooding self once alone in my apartment. Esme called, concerned about me as usual, but also fishing for information about what happened after they went to bed Thanksgiving night, essentially leaving me to fend off Tanya…_alone_. I was still a little annoyed that she and Carlisle ducked out that night so I practically made her beg for the shit until I finally gave in, having no power against my mom and her charm, telling her everything. And I mean everything. Well, except for the fucking Bella all over her house part. I figured I'd keep that to myself. I didn't leave out that I saw her though…and I told her about the situation with Jake.

_I swear, Bella would kill me if she knew I told my 'mommy' all of that. Yeah, I'm a pansy ass motherfucking momma's boy and I know it. _

I was amazed once again by her comforting words and support for me and for Bella…and for our potential future together. Of course, she couldn't let me get off the phone without warning me to let Bella take care of herself and her situation, as well as to be careful. My mom's famous words. I countered by making her swear not to tell Carlisle anything I had divulged about Bella, and she reluctantly agreed, stating for the record how much she disliked keeping secrets from my father.

I was feeling quite a bit better, although still fighting the tormenting desire to call Bella every five minutes, when I heard what sounded like an elephant slamming against my door and a familiar voice yelling through it for me to open the fucking thing.

Fucking Emmett.

As if he hadn't irritated me enough today.

The bastard more or less abducted me from my sepulcher of solitude and took me to his place for "movie night and heavy drinking" as he put it. _If I'm being honest, I knew it was in my best interest, but I had to save face and pretend like it irritated the shit out of me. _

"Movie night, Emmett? Seriously? What are we, sixteen year old girls having a slumber party?"

"Shut the fuck up, Edwina, and get your happy ass in the Hummer. That's exactly what you're acting like, a sixteen year old girl, and you're not staying here all night to pine over your married girlfriend." He smirked when he said that. This motherfucker…

I growled something unintelligible in response, but did as he said. That was how I found myself sitting on his sofa, half drunk, with Jasper on the other end and Emmett in the middle. Garrett opted out, citing he needed to spend time with his woman. We were watching The Hangover and I was laughing my ass off uncontrollably at the antics on the screen. Funniest fucking movie I had ever seen. _Sorry, Adam Sandler, but this shit blows Billy Madison outta the water, my friend._ I honestly hadn't even thought about Bella or the fuckery at hand, until Emmett had to go and open his big goddamned mouth again…right after he took a throw pillow and slammed it square into my fucking face.

_Thwack!_

"What the fuck, man?" I snarled, rubbing my fucking nose with a huff.

"You're Stu," he replied matter-of-factly.

"What?" I asked again, confused as fuck and wondering if Emmett had lost it completely. Jazz must have caught on to something I was missing because he chuckled under his breath, crossed his arms behind his head and gave Emmett a knowing nod.

"I said, you're Stu…" He pointed at the movie, speaking slowly as if I was mentally challenged. "Stu from the movie! He's a doctor…he's dating a psycho, and he's completely pussy whipped! Oh, and he doesn't handle stress well at all." He shook his head and laughed loudly at himself. Jasper followed suit. I glared.

"I am _not_ fucking Stu, you moron! _Doctor?_ Please. He's a dentist, you dick, and he's a total spaz. I am not a spaz!" I spat. "And who the fuck… Are you calling _Bella_ a psycho? Furthermore, _ass-clown_, I am NOT pussy whipped!" _Yes you are._ My blood pressure was steadily rising, but my cross examination was only making them laugh harder.

"Relax, little girl, I was referring to _Rose_, not Bella…but you are pussy whipped. I can't imagine how you're gonna be when you actually get to be with Bells."

"I'm not _with_ Rosalie, motherfucker!" I yelled. The asshole shrugged.

"I know. Stu breaks up with the bitch at the end of the movie." His nonchalance was maddening. My eyes went wide and I gritted my teeth.

"Are you fucking kidding me? You've seen this already?" He nodded and winked. "Well, _thanks a lot_ for the spoiler alert, dickhead! Go get me another goddamned beer since you ruined the movie for me." I pouted. Jasper was now rolling in the floor sputtering and wiping his eyes.

"What the hell are _you_ laughing at, _Dougie_?" I chuckled at myself.

"That's right," he twanged. "I am Doug. I'm the sensible one, and you fuckers would definitely get fucked up and forget you locked me on the roof!"

"Goddamn it, Jazz! I. Haven't. Seen. The end. Of the. Fucking. Movie. Yet," I growled.

"Oh,sorry." He smiled apologetically. "So, if you're not Stu…which you _are_…who are you?"

"You guys are fucking stupid. Okay, if you wanna play this game, fine. I'm Phil. He's hot…he has good hair…and the ladies wanna get on his jock. Yup, I'm Phil." I smiled drunkenly and nodded, satisfied. Jasper laughed loudly and grabbed his side. "What now, motherfucker?"

"You just said Phil is hot. Seriously, you just said that out loud, man," he retorted. Emmett guffawed from the kitchen before I heard his annoying as fuck voice.

"Paging Doctor Faggot….paging Doctor Faggot!"

"Shut the fuck up, _Alan!"_ I screamed at him in , you and Rain Man…you guys are tight, like brothers! Same genes and all! I bet he can hack a computer with the best of them, huh, Em? Get people's phone records and shit? Where's your satchel, bitch?"

"Touche, motherfucker," he barked as he rounded the corner. "And for the record, Indiana Jones was a badass and he did, in fact, wear a satchel." He gripped my Heineken, shook it vigorously, and then threw it at me. Such a dickhead.

We got back to watching the movie…and laughing our asses off again…after playing the 'name-game.' Em and Jazz tried to convince me that while I was, in fact, a handsome devil like Phil, I possessed a lot of Stu's qualities, therefore, I was a little of both. I said fuck it. I didn't see any of Stu in myself, but whatever…I agreed just to shut them the hell up. We all broke into a fit of laughter and clanked our beers together when the little Chinese guy jumped out of the trunk and Jasper spit his beer all over Emmett, which I thought was the best part of the night.

"What the hell, man? Was that a dude? 'Cause I didn't even see a weiner. Did you guys see his dick? I don't think he had one?" Jasper asked with a look of complete and utter confusion on his face. Emmett and I couldn't respond as we were too busy roaring with hilarity over the fact that Jazz was actually looking for this guy's dick. He furrowed his brow after a moment, crossed his arms over his chest and pouted. "Oh, fuck you guys."

XXXX

By the time Sunday evening rolled around, my hangover had subsided a little. I chuckled at the irony. Waking up in my underwear on Emmett's floor…not a pleasant experience.

Rosalie called me almost begging to let her bring Kellan over to my house instead of the usual, me picking him up at hers. It was a little bizarre and I knew something was up; however, I tried to see it as a nice gesture. Unfortunately, her call came a little too late as I was halfway to her house already, so I told her she could do it next time. She barely said 'bye' before hanging up the phone and I stared at it for a couple seconds before pressing 'end.'

Once I pulled down her street, my awe at what I thought was a nice gesture on her part turned to abrupt suspicion as I noticed an SUV similar to the one that was parked on the beach Saturday morning…the one carrying a blatantly fornicating couple…and the driver looked a whole lot like the douche-nozzle known as James fucking Campbell. If that didn't make the alarm bells go berserk in my head, the fact that he waved at me while smiling, then flipped me the bird as he passed, made it all too clear. The succubus was not being nice…she was trying to cover her ass.

It took all I had not to turn the car around and chase the asshole down before I beat the fuck out of him for the second time. I confronted Rose about it once Kellan was safe in my car, and _of course,_ she called me a paranoid asshole before slamming the door in my face.

That was it.

I had _had_ it with her bullshit lies and putting my child in danger by fucking around with this guy and letting him have full access to one of the only people I loved more than my own life. I made my decision; I was calling my attorney. Of course, I couldn't call until the next day, so I settled for watching the nauseating news after Kel and I ate. He was off killing some dragons or some shit on a video game anyway.

What I saw made my stomach turn. Nauseating news indeed. More rapes had been reported and the psycho was still out there. They were all similar, all beaten brutally and I couldn't stand it. I had to call her and make sure she was okay. The sound of her voice was like nourishment to my parched veins. She was a part of me…she was my lifeline…one that I couldn't necessarily have right now.

But I would wait for her.

I hoped she knew that…no matter what; no matter how long it took…I would wait for her. I would wait forever if that was what it took.

To hear her say 'I love you' to me only made my already drumming heart beat that much faster, and I didn't want to let her go. I had to, though. She was getting settled at Alice's – which, by the way, made me puff my chest out like a fucking rooster – and I didn't want to keep her. All I could do was tell her I would see her soon…when, I didn't know, but soon. I hoped.

Monday started off okay…boring as fuck once Kel was off to school, but I had business to take care of anyway. I called my attorney, Eleazar MacGregor to see just what the hell, if anything, I could do about Rose's complete disregard for our son's safety. I had known Eleazar since I was a little kid. He and Carlisle went way back. In fact, I used to think he was _the_ Mr. MacGregor from the old Peter Rabbit stories that Esme used to read to me, until Carlisle pointed out that there was no 'a' in the Mr. McGregor who tried to hurt poor Peter. (_Give me a fucking break, I was like…five years old for Christ's sake._) I didn't have a problem with him after that.

I was disappointed but not surprised when he told me the only thing I could do was to petition the court for temporary custody, explaining the situation to a judge, who would then review the case. I would have Kellan with me, while Rose got supervised visits. I liked the idea, if nothing else to slap her in the face – so to speak – with a reality check. However, these things always took an immense amount of time. I was afraid for my son's safety _now_, not a few months from now. Nonetheless, I decided to get the ball rolling, making an appointment to see him and draw up the papers as soon as possible. Unfortunately for me, his 'as soon as possible' was the following week.

Fuck me, the old man was busy.

Kellan and I were rudely interrupted from our Mario Kart race that evening by a loud banging on the door. It was neck and neck too…because I dropped my guard when I heard the door, the little shit won by a hair. _I'd be hearing about that travesty all week long._ My first instinct was that it was Emmett again and I rolled my eyes. However, once I reached the door, trying not to curse as my kid's ears were like mini satellite dishes, I was taken way back by what I heard.

"Chicago Police…open the door."

_What the fuck?_

I recognized that voice and flung the door open quickly. In front of me stood _Detective_ Sam Uley along with Sergeant Heather Hawkins…both held a grim expression on their faces and my stomach dropped immediately. The first thing I thought of was Bella. Something had happened to her. But I had just talked to her last night; she had to be okay, right? _Please, God, let her be okay. If that son-of-a bitch did something to her, I swear to God. _I knew Kellan was okay, he was staring at me with curious eyes. I could feel them piercing the side of my face. But then, it could have been my parents…I was beginning to panic.

"Doctor Cullen," Sam acknowledged me professionally. My stomach dropped.

"Sam? Sergeant Hawkins? What are you doing here? And why are you banging on my door like the S.W.A.T. team?" I tried to sound nonchalant, but my nerves were getting the best of me. He sighed.

"Edward, can we come in? I need to ask you a few questions." I furrowed my brow. _Ask me questions about what? What could he possibly need to know from me…unless he was delaying the horrible news he was about to give me_. Something told me this wasn't going to end well and the last time I had that instinct, it was spot-fucking-on. I turned to Kellan.

"Hey Kel, can you go to your room for a while? I gotta talk to some people," I said, keeping my voice even and calm. He cocked his head to the side curiously.

"Why, Dad? Who's here? Somebody bothering you?" I bit back a chuckle watching my boy go into full protective mode for his old man. I smiled warmly and winked.

"Nah, buddy, it's okay. I got this. You go ahead. I'll call you out when I'm done." He looked at me warily before padding up the stairs to his room. I turned back to the door with a scowl.

"What's this about, Sam?" Feeling a little rude, I turned to Sergeant Hawkins and nodded. "Sergeant Hawkins, nice to see you again." She nodded back silently, stone-faced.

Not a good sign.

"Just let us in, Edward."

_Fuck._

I moved out of the way and allowed them to enter. Sam was dressed in a suit with his badge hanging prominently on his jacket pocket. Heather…Sergeant Hawkins was dressed in full uniform. They were all business and I suddenly felt like I was under a fucking microscope.

"I need to ask your whereabouts on Saturday night between the hours of eight pm and midnight," he said emotionless. I stared at him dumbfounded, until I realized he was serious.

"Well, then ask me," I retorted with a chuckle. He didn't find it as amusing as I did.

"I just did…Edward, don't be a smart ass."

"Well, I think I have a right to know why I'm being _fucking _asked where I was like I'm some kind of a suspect, _Sam_," I hissed. He stared back at me. "Wait. Are you saying I'm a fucking suspect? For _what?"_

"Edward, we got an anonymous call…" he trailed off, as if he didn't want to say the words.

"About what, _Detective_ Uley?"

He sighed. "Edward, you were seen on Navy Pier Saturday, dressed in black pants and a dark blue hooded sweatshirt. I'm sure you're aware that we're investigating a series of rapes in the area. The victims reported that the man who attacked them was wearing identical clothing. Now, I'll repeat the question. Where were you Saturday night, Edward?"

_Again, what…the…fuck?_

XXXX

_**Chapter End Notes: Oooooh, I know…I could tell you what's gonna happen, but then I'd have to…well, you know.**_

"_**haji" – Technically, this is an Arabic term for someone who had made the pilgrimage to Mecca. It is often used by the American Military as a slang, along with "camel jockey" to describe enemy insurgents. (I do my research, people) **_

_**Let's recap! Rosalie's a dirty girl…Emmett's a dirty boy, and I'm thinking they're made for each other, they just don't know it yet! (And God, James just won't go away, will he?) **_

_**Of course, Moonstruck does not exist, but Navy Pier most certainly does, and it's amazing! If you're ever in Chicago, it's a must-see! **_

_**I haven't decided if we'll be hearing from Bella next or continue on with Edward. I'm leaning on Bella's pov, but we'll see what I come up with. ;-P **_

_**You know what time it is! Hit that review button and give me a piece of your minds…err, a nice one hopefully. Oh, and something important happened to Edward in this chapter (besides being kidnapped by his ridiculous friends, being stalked and being more or less accused of multiple rapes!) Can you figure out what it was? Until next time!**_

_**Finally, here's what I'm reading: "BitchySwan" and "Perchance to Dream" by NTJB…my homegirl can write, folks! Check her out! (yeah, I said 'homegirl'. I'm that old!) **_

"_**When the Night Comes" by DiamondHeart78…amazing fic that will suck you in, by a fabulous author and friend! **_


	48. Chapter 44, All the World

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past**

**Chapter 44, "All The World" ~ Correatown**

Bella POV

_**A/N: THEsnapcrakklepop and fmneff are the best betas on this crazy planet! I'm slow, but they're lightning fast and make me laugh with their comments (mostly calling me out for my second grade writing abilities!) Which is what this would look like without their 'red-penned' awesomeness. **_

_**I know, this took too long again and I apologize. Same excuses, but I'm trying, I really am! Thank you to those that are sticking with me. I've been getting a lot of story alerts/favorites lately, so whoever is pimping me out like the h00r that I am, I thank you! **_

_**I don't own the Twilight characters; I just mess with them…hard. Sadly, I don't own the songs either, but don't you love them? Everything else is all mine. **_

_**Song Link: All the World, www(.)youtube(.)com/watch?v=c-KlcMsNmoA**_

XXXX

"_Say that I've changed, say I'm different; maybe I finally understand,_

_Say I've let go, say it's obvious; I tell myself over, over and over again,_

_I'm ready…I'm ready,_

_I'm ready to believe,_

_So tell me I'm strong, tell me I'm weak; tell me I'll never, ever bend,_

_Tell me I'm fire, tell me I'm cold; Cold, I tell myself over, over and over again,_

_I'm ready…I'm ready,_

_I'm ready to believe,_

_The choices you make, all the world can watch; each tiny mistake,_

_Let the world watch, let the world wait…for you,_

_So tell me I'm wrong, or tell me I'm cruel; tell me I'd fight,_

_Tell me I fought for the wrong things,_

_But I'm ready…I'm ready,_

_I'm ready to believe,_

_I'm ready…I'm ready…I'm ready to believe."_

XXXX

I slammed Alice's apartment door shut behind me and backed up to it, sliding down to the floor with an exhausted groan. I had just returned from the attorney's office and my head was swimming. I was a hot damned mess of mixed emotions…relieved that the paperwork was in the process of getting started, elated that I could finally be rid of the asshole who tried for so many years to control me and make me the person _he_ wanted me to be rather than the person I was inside, but also disappointed and sad that our marriage had failed.

I was angry at him for being such an asshole to begin with. I was angry for the things he had done to me and for the things he had done behind my back. He betrayed me in more ways than one. Unimaginable ways. But I had betrayed him too, had I not? Maybe in the worst way…marrying him when I knew deep in my heart that I never really loved him like that. The guilt was an ever-present demon gnawing at me somewhere in the back of my brain.

Like I said, I was a hot damned mess.

Maggie was wonderful. She listened with an open mind and a sympathetic ear, even when I didn't even think the things coming out of my mouth made any sense. She seemed like a mother figure as she talked with me about the debacle my marriage turned out to be. She chided me for staying as long as I did when I cringed through the part about his belittling me in front of people, and her eyes went wide when I told her what he did to me…physically.

It was painful…so painful, and I fought the overwhelming feeling I had to crawl into her lap and cry on her shoulder. I needed my mom here. She could always comfort me when I was feeling completely low, like I was now. She would always say something off the wall to make me giggle through my tears. I wondered if she would hop a plane if I called her right now and begged her to come hold my hand.

_Jesus, grow up, Bella. You can do this. You are a strong, independent woman now. Maybe._

I wanted to believe that, anyway.

Yeah, that was why I was living with my sister. I wouldn't do that to Renee anyway. Hopefully, I would see her at Christmas. I could talk her into that…coming up here for Christmas. It had been such a long time…she could be here for the twins' birthday. I sighed. Until then, I had my big sister. She was the next best thing to our mom.

Why was I feeling so low, anyway? I was cutting my losses…one _big_ fucking loss…and it was his. I needed one of those life coach people to teach me how to rewire my brain somehow…undo the years of being made to feel like a walking pile of dung. Alright, maybe I was being a little melodramatic.

But then, as soon as I would feel the rush of satisfaction that ran through me for standing my ground to Jake, leaving him like I should've done so long ago, I would think of the kids, and the guilt would crawl its way into the forefront of my mind again. I thought of Edward. He would've wanted to shake some sense into me, I was sure.

_Note to self: seek therapy…or a couple Valium, I'm not picky._

A small ruckus made me snap my head up to the direction of the hallway. The thud I heard was followed by a whispered curse as my tiny sister limped into view clutching a long, thin straightening iron in her hand, her wild eyes darting all around. She yelped when she saw me and jumped nearly her own height up into the air as her free hand flew to her chest.

"Shit! Bella, you scared the hell out of me!" she squeaked, dropping the hand that held the makeshift weapon to her side. She closed her eyes and sighed, blowing her shaky breath out slowly. "I wasn't expecting you back so soon. I thought you were going…by your…work…" Her voice trailed off as she studied me and the pained expression I must have held. "Bella?" Her brows scrunched up. I shook my head.

"I couldn't, I couldn't go there right now, Al." My voice was weak, scratchy, pathetic.

"What happened?" She rushed to me and bent down where my arms were wrapped tightly around my curved knees. She ran her hand gently over my hair, petting me like I was a sad puppy. Pathetic. "Did you…oh God, did you run into him? Did something happen? Did he hurt you?"

"No!" I blurted before she could create some ridiculously horrifying scenario in her head. "Jesus, Alice! You and Edward have got to stop treating me like some porcelain doll. I'm not that fucking fragile!"

Her face twisted into a mask of annoyance. "Well, excuse me for giving a shit. Given your track record…" she trailed off, grumbling. I glared. "What's going on then? You're not curled into the fetal position for nothing, Bella. And don't even try to give me another line of bullshit either."

I sighed, defeated. "Nothing other than I'm just pathetic," I whined, verbalizing my thoughts. Her eyebrows reached into her hairline.

"Okay, first of all, you are _not_ pathetic. Secondly, Edward and I will never stop trying to protect you and you know it, so shut up about that." She paused with a huff. "What did the lawyer say? Was it bad? You can't nail his ass to the wall? Please tell me she said you can nail his ass to the wall because…he deserves it, the son-of-a-bitch!" Her face was turning a deep shade of crimson and the veins in her neck were beginning to bulge.

"No, it was good," I said weakly. "She…thinks I can…do what you said, Al, but…" I rolled my eyes at myself. So fucking pathetic.

"But what?" She gasped. "You showed her the pictures?" I nodded once. She squealed, clapping her hands silently and I scowled at her. "Sorry." She smiled sheepishly, the corner of her mouth twitching. "So, what'd she say?"

I sighed. I wanted to tell her, to be honest with her, but I knew she wouldn't understand my hesitation. She took my hands in hers, forcing me to look at her. Her expression was serious, tender.

"Baby sis, I can't help you unless you tell me."

"She…she thinks I should a—ask for the house. She doesn't think it's good for the kids to be uprooted from their home, I mean, I told her we had come to stay with you for a while. And a—after I told her how he was gone all the time, she said I should file for sole physical custody of the twins, but joint legal custody. She doesn't think I could keep Jake from seeing them even with what he's done to me physically, because he's never hurt them. He would never do that, Alice! I feel like such a monster even thinking that! I just…I just don't know if I can…" My heart lodged into my throat and I tried to fight the sob welling up inside me. "I don't know if I can go through with all this. What it'll do to them…to—to him, I don't know." I was stuttering beyond comprehension and Alice was looking thoroughly confused.

"Slow down, Bella. You _can_ go through with this. You think he's gonna be sweet and gentle…loving to you after all that's come out recently? Maybe for a while, but sooner or later, he'll go back to the old Jake and now you know what he's capable of. I mean, for God's sake, he tried to _rape_ you, Bella!"

"I know…I know," I murmured. "It's just, I'm so worried about the kids, you know?"

She nodded. "I don't understand what you said. This physical and legal custody thing? What does that even mean?" She was shaking her head, her eyes off to the side like she was trying to figure out some difficult mathematical problem. If only it were that simple.

"If I have physical custody, they would live with me most of the time and see him, you know, like every other weekend or whatever. Legal custody just means we're both responsible for decisions involving the kids." I sighed. "I don't know, Alice, I just never wanted to keep them from him like that."

"Well, what difference does it make?" She threw her hands in the air. "They hardly see him now as it is!" I nodded weakly, heartbroken but I knew she was right. "What about this house thing? You deserve that house and so do the twins, Bella. Not that you're not welcome to stay here as long as you want, but, that's their home. I agree with the lawyer."

"Maggie," I said quietly.

"Huh?"

"Remember, her name is Maggie? She's…great. I really like her." I smiled. Alice smiled back at me, beaming.

"Oh, that's right, Pop's Maggie." She smirked. I rolled my eyes. "Even better, I agree with Maggie. So, are you going to ask for it then, in the divorce…oh! And, did you start the paper work?" She eyed me skeptically as she asked this. I averted my gaze from her, but nodded. My sister squealed, louder and more obnoxious this time, before wrapping her vice-like arms around my body and squeezing.

"Alice…can't…breathe," I grunted. She released me promptly and her smile was watery.

"I'm so fucking proud of you, Bella. You're so strong, I—I don't know if I could go through what you've gone through and, well, I'm just so proud of you."

I sighed, relieved to have gotten some of that off my chest, and wiped a stray tear off my cheek quickly.

"I'm, I told her I want to talk to Jake about the house first. See if he will agree to it and we'll add it to the petition. I don't know if he will or not. I'm a—afraid of what he'll say." God, I felt so weak and drained, despite Alice's declaration of my strength. I was going to have to pull it together better than this if I was to survive this whole divorce process, which Maggie warned me could be a ridiculously long and drawn out saga, for lack of a better term. _What the hell else is new? My life is a fucking soap opera as it is._

"And, so what if he's an asshole about it, which he will be, by the way?" she questioned. I sighed again for the millionth time.

"There's this thing called a PFA, um, Protection From Abuse?" It came out more like a question than a statement as I struggled to try and remember all of what Maggie explained to me. Alice raised her eyebrows expectantly. "Um, well, after I showed her the, the pictures, she suggested it. If the judge was to grant the PFA order, and it gives me exclusive possession of the house, I would be allowed to change the locks. Jake wouldn't be able to even go into the house without police supervision and he would have to ask the judge for a time to go and get his things…with police supervision. I—I wouldn't have to be there.

She said, um, she said that I could request in the PFA that he not be allowed to come within so many feet of me, too. Like a restraining order. I just…I just really don't want it to come to that, Al." I let out a shaky breath. "That's why I want to try and talk to him, maybe try and make it as civil as possible, for the kids if nothing else. _Fuck_, I don't know." I blew out another breath. "As soon as he gets those divorce papers, it's…not gonna be pretty, I know it."

Alice looked me over critically before her eyes met mine. Her expression was hard and determined. The same expression she always held when she was about to tell me something I didn't want to hear. It never stopped her; she always told me anyway, just like this time.

"No, it probably won't be pretty, Bella, because he's an _asshole. _But, you are going to have to be strong, and I know you can do it. You've already stood your ground and you're going to have to continue to stand your ground. Besides being an ass, he's obviously not smart enough to figure out it's over. You are going to have to be the one to make that clear." She sighed and smiled sadly, her features softening a bit. "Just remember that you have support…from everyone that loves you." She tilted her head and smiled again. I nodded.

At that particular moment, my olfactory senses were inundated by a strange combination of smells. Something was burning, or burnt. Chocolate? Chocolate and plastic? The other smell that assaulted me was that of, I thought, roses. I could've been wrong, but the odor _(Yes, odor. I hate roses.)_ was almost overwhelming and that, mixed with the burnt…whatever it was…was anything but pleasant. I just hadn't noticed it in my mental exhaustion. Honestly, it reminded me of my Grandma Swan. She had this hideous perfume that she insisted on wearing constantly. As much as I loved my Gram, God rest her soul, I hated that fucking perfume.

"Um, Alice?" I wrinkled my nose in disgust. "Why does it smell like the time we almost burnt down Gram's kitchen in here?"

"Huh?" Her face blanched quickly, but she recovered just as fast, suspiciously. "Oh my God! How old were we, like eight and nine? I'll never forget the look on Gram's face. She didn't know whether to laugh or scream and beat our asses!" She giggled. "I don't remember what we were trying to make, though, do you?"

"Cake," I replied. "It was her birthday and we didn't have a recipe, but we were going to surprise her with a birthday cake. I mean, I can't even remember what all we put into the _batter_, but we had the oven on as high as it would go and I don't even think we put it in a pan!" I rolled my eyes at the comical…not at the time, of course…memory.

Alice snorted. "Oh that's right! We had it in a plastic bowl. Good God, poor Gram!"

"Yeah, she was lucky she still had a kitchen after that. Man, I thought Charlie was gonna kill us!"

She cupped her hands over her mouth, eyes wide. "Holy shit, I know! Pop was so fucking pissed off. I'd never heard so much grunting and teeth grinding in my life!" We both doubled over in a fit of giggles until my nose was assaulted once again.

"Alright, so what'd you try to cook, Al?" I deadpanned. "And what is that disgusting rose smell?"

She narrowed her eyes at me for a moment before twisting her mouth into an Oscar-worthy pout. "Brownies," she rolled her eyes and proceeded to whine as I smirked. "I know the twins love them and I was _trying _to be a good Auntie by making them some for when they got home." The sigh that left her mouth was that of defeat. "My fucking assistants are worthless some days and of course they had to call, distracting me with some ridiculous fashion disaster, and I…kind of forgot about the brownies." She covered her face with her palms and shook her head.

"Aw, Al, the twins love you because you spoil the shit out of them. They don't need you to make them brownies. Please don't try and burn your apartment down to make them happy." I giggled.

"Gee thanks, Betty-freaking-Crocker." She glared at me, which I pointedly ignored.

"That doesn't explain the other…" I crinkled my nose. "…odor."

Her expression changed suddenly to that of absolute contempt, and I heard the slightest snarl escape her lips as she motioned toward the kitchen. "Oh, that would be the two dozen roses that showed up on my doorstep today in the middle of an important phone call." She paused a beat before responding to the confused look on my face. "Thanks to your ass-of-a-soon-to-be-ex-husband."

My stomach dropped, then flipped and spun around in my body. I was suddenly nauseous.

"Oh no," I mumbled.

"Oh yes." She countered, nodding her head in affirmation. Fucking _wonderful_. I knew he was going to make this harder than it needed to be.

He had officially taken the first step in making me out to be the villain in this situation, and I didn't know why it surprised me in the least. It was his signature move.

XXXX

"Ms. Swan, err Black…I mean, Bella?"

"Hmm?" I responded, tearing my eyes away from the window next to where we were sitting, as well as the tiny snowflakes that were falling outside, and turned my attention back to Nicci. I had agreed to meet her at a small coffee shop in the city – one she had mentioned when we first met – after I'd gotten my ass handed to me by Kate for my…and I quote…'lack of commitment to my column.'

She seemed a little more empathetic when I reluctantly explained my _situation_ to her, up to and including my pending divorce. She was, of course, immediately concerned about the subject of the column I had convinced her to let me write, and although she skirted around the issue, I knew she wanted to ask me if it was personal to me. Instead, she asked if I needed advice on a good lawyer, to which I replied that I had one I liked very much. The funny thing was, when I mentioned her by name, Kate paused for a moment, saying the name sounded familiar for some reason. She didn't elaborate and I didn't ask her to.

She did, however, in the nicest way she could muster…which was only slightly less abrasive than normal for her…implore me to get something to her within the next week. I was more or less screwed. Honestly, I hadn't even picked up my laptop to research in days. The truth of the matter was that while I was indeed committed to writing the column that was personal to me, it was just too much for me right now. And, so I told her… for now it would have to be fluffy, 'chestnuts roasting on an open fire shit' as Kate had so gracefully previously put it.

"You seem a little distracted. Um, everything okay?" Nicci inquired.

"Oh," I replied sheepishly. "I'm sorry about that. My mind is just…well, I seem to have a lot on my plate right now."

"I can see that." She grinned. "Come on…" Then she patted her chest with her fingers annoyingly. "Talk to me."

"Um, Nicci, I don't think that—"

"No, seriously, I'm good at this stuff. Like, my friends always tell me that I'm a great listener, and I always give really good advice. This one time, my bestie was totally going through the worst breakup ever and she asked my advice. I totally talked her off the ledge! The guy was a jerk anyway. I mean, he would always say these mean things to her and never wanted to hang out with her. She even told me he was shitty in the sack. It was totally a blessing in disguise that they broke up."

I wasn't sure who she was even talking to anymore. She certainly wasn't looking at me. Her eyes were off in the distance somewhere. Her hands were gesturing wildly. Jesus, she was like Jess and my sister put together, on high quantities of crack. _I wonder what she would say if I said, 'crack is whack' to her face right now?_ I snickered to myself because she would probably have looked at me cross-eyed or something. I was picturing it. It was fucking funny.

"Aha!" she exclaimed suddenly, snapping me back to reality. I quirked an eyebrow at her questioningly. "See, you're smiling." She clapped her hands lightly and bounced a little. Her long brown hair, pulled tightly back into a very sleek pony tail swayed from side to side. "I made you smile!" _Christ, she and my sister would get along smashingly. _A realization hit me, though, and I prayed I hadn't actually said any of that out loud. Wait, was she just pretending to be ditzy and using her pretend ditziness to make me smile? _Great._ I'd gotten myself all confused.

"I wasn't smiling before?" I asked cautiously.

"Nope," she popped the 'p'. "But now you are. See?"

_Okay, yeah, definitely ditzy for real._

"Well, thank you for that, Nicci, but really, I'm fine. Just personal issues and I really don't want to talk about it right now. We're supposed to be working."

"Right!" She grinned and pulled some thin glasses out of her purse, placing them on her face gingerly. All of a sudden she looked like a sexy librarian, which was even more annoying. "Okay, so I've done some research and before you tell me I wasn't supposed to…" She held her hand up. "I know that. I was just trying to help you out because of your, you know, cast thing and in case you were busy with the family and what not. So, I think it would be a good idea to maybe interview a couple people, you know women who've been in this situation…" she rambled on about her ideas, which I specifically told her not to have in the first place, but it was becoming abundantly clear that this girl listened to no one. Very ambitious this one was in an annoying sort of way. I reluctantly admitted to myself that I kind of liked that about her.

"Nicci, I'm not doing it now," I blurted finally, interrupting her after trying to get a word in a handful of times. Her face fell.

"But…but I had some ideas, and I thought about it... I know I wasn't too excited about it at first, but now I think it's a good idea, Bella. I mean, we all know somebody who either knows somebody that's been a victim or was one themselves. It's kinda like cancer, you know. You should totally get the word out."

Seriously, how and when did _my_ column become about her and her ideas? She was pissing me off, so I rolled my eyes.

"How many times do I need to remind you that this is my column, Nicci," I said with a little more disdain than I intended. She pouted, and then I felt like a fucking diva which was not my intent, so I elaborated. "Relax. We'll work on that one, just not right now. Right now, we're going ahead with the holiday themed column. Is that okay with you?" The sarcasm was evident, but she seemed to ignore it and she nodded her head quickly with a grin. She started to spout off some more _ideas_ about what _we_ should put in the column, but her never-ending sentence seemed to trail off as her attention was directed to something behind me.

"Oh my God!" she whispered. "Don't turn around right now, but this guy just walked in here and he's _huge_…and…_hot! _Shit! He's looking this way." Her eyes shifted slightly and she smirked. "I wonder what he's packing."

"Nicci!" My eyes widened at her blatant display of ogling in front of me. I wasn't sure whether to laugh at her or scold her. Instead, my curiosity got the better of me and I turned my head slowly, nonchalantly I hoped, toward the piece of meat in question. My eyes landed on a very familiar set of gigantic shoulders, short, curly dark hair and a massively toothy grin. I smiled instinctively despite the nervous pang that shot through my stomach.

"That's my friend, Emmett. He's a big sweetheart, you'll see." I waved him over before turning back to Nicci, whose mouth was agape.

"Oh my God, is he single?" She suddenly seemed a little nervous, smoothing her already smooth hair back toward her pony tail. I nodded in response and she grinned wickedly. "What's his name again? Emmett?" I nodded. "Why? Why would parents do that to their child?" It was obviously a rhetorical question, because she continued to talk. "Good thing he's…freakin' gorgeous. My goodness," she made some quiet growling noise and I rolled my eyes at her.

"Easy, Lolita, he's quite a bit older than you," I warned.

"S'okay." She shrugged. "Men my age are so immature. I like them with a little experience." Then she bit the straw of her Frappuccino and looked over my shoulder through her lashes as he approached. Apparently, subtlety wasn't her forte.

"Bells!" I jumped when his tone nearly shattered my eardrums, but stood to greet the man that had always been like a big brother to me. Granted, a big brother I hardly ever saw and rarely talked to without the presence of my husband, but still. It was as easy as breathing with him. "I thought I recognized the back of that beautiful head of yours!" He picked me up and twirled me around before setting me back down on my now wobbly feet. I blushed.

"Em," I greeted him. "It's good to see you!" I scooted into the booth and gestured for him to sit next to me. Nicci was just staring at him dumbly.

"Damned straight it is! I haven't seen you since…" he cleared his throat as my face burst into flames. "Anyway, what are you up to?" He turned and looked at Nicci, who looked like she was about to jump over the table to straddle him. "And who is this gorgeous young lady you're hanging out with?" He winked at her and suddenly it was her turn to blush furiously.

"Oh, right, I'm sorry! Um, Emmett, this is my co-worker, Nicci. Nicci, Emmett." I gestured between the two of them. Nicci's eyes lit up like the fourth of July.

"Nicolette Rouseau, actually, and it's very nice to meet you." She smiled shyly and blushed, stretching her bony arm across the table toward him. _Humph_. I rolled my eyes. That was a far cry from the ogling that had happened before he walked over. I stopped myself short of mentally calling her a bitch in heat because…really? _Pot meet kettle._ Besides, Emmett could be quite overwhelming. I gave her that.

"Well…" His giant hand swallowed hers briefly and he lightly gripped her fingertips, bringing them to his lips. She gasped a little and blushed more furiously as his lips brushed over her knuckles. That time, I fought the 'aw' that wanted to escape my mouth at the chivalry before me. _Jesus, _my emotions were all over the place.

I missed my Edward.

"A beautiful name for a most beautiful _young_ lady," Emmett continued. Nicci pursed her lips flirtatiously.

I refrained from rolling my eyes again, although it was difficult. I knew Emmett was a sweetheart, but this was a little over the top—he was laying it on thick. And despite this being obvious to me, it was evidently escaping the ding-bat in front of him.

"It's French…and I'm almost twenty-four. I'm not _that_ young."

I snorted loudly. They broke themselves out of their flirty little bubble to look at me. Emmett gave me the stink-eye because he knew exactly why I was snorting. Nicci blinked a few times, obviously confused.

"You're right." Emmett winked at her, ignoring my sarcastic chuckles. "You're almost as old as me."

I choked on my white chocolate mocha-chino.

"Yeah right!" I blurted. "Don't listen to this guy. He's an old man!" I pointed my thumb in Em's direction as I addressed a wide-eyed Nicci.

"Whatever, Bells! Thirty-three is not old." He shook his head, muttering under his breath. "Jesus Christ, you and Edwina both." I felt the heat creep up my neck at the mention of the man I didn't necessarily want brought up in front of my _co-worker_, or whatever she was. "Besides, if I'm old, what's that make you, huh?" He waggled his eyebrows, shoving his tongue into his cheek proudly. I scoffed in response.

"Younger than you," I deadpanned.

"Well, you don't look thirty-three." Nicci smiled at Emmett and I swore I saw her actually bat her eyelashes. I kind of wanted to hurl into my mocha-chino.

"Thank you!" He gestured toward her as if she was his savior. "A woman that says it like it is. I like you." He followed that up with a wink. Nicci blushed furiously and fiddled with her napkin, giggling.

Oh my God.

"So, who's…Ed, uh, Edwina?" she asked, genuinely curious. Emmett laughed and I fought the urge to slap my hands over my face. _Fucking great_.

"He's my buddy," Emmett replied with a shrug.

"His name is actually Ed_ward_, not Edwina," I corrected.

"Oh yeah, Bella knows him…_real_ well." He smirked at me and I subtly pinched the shit out of his arm. "Ouch! Damn it, woman!" Hmm, maybe not as subtly as I'd thought. I glared at him. Nicci was looking between us like she was concentrating on a very interesting tennis match. "Any who," Emmett continued. "He's one year younger than me, and one year older than Bells here. Oh but _I'm _the old one."

"I sense a bit of hostility, my dear Emmett." I blinked furiously, sarcastically. "Do we have an old man complex?" I loved Emmett so much, and I had missed this playful banter we always used to have. I really was so happy that he happened to show up at the same place I was this morning. That is until…

"So, Nicci…" he licked his lips and her eyes widened. "Do you think I'm too old to, I dunno, buy you a drink or maybe some dinner sometime?"

Oh no, this was getting seriously out of hand. I wasn't sure I liked where this was going at all. He'd known her for all of, what, ten minutes? And he was asking her out? A girl I (sort-of) worked with? If they went out, I wasn't sure I was prepared for what Nicci would find out about my life. Emmett was never all that good at secret-keeping. As a matter of fact, he was known for loving to gossip as much as the next girl. Knowing Emmett, he would want to hang out…double date or something. I mean, obviously he knew what was going on between his friend and I…and what Jake did. He didn't seem to disapprove of me. Sweet Jesus, the ripple effect of this could be disastrous…Kate…Tanya…everyone…_I could very well end up front page news. _

"Um, Emmett, I don't think—"

"Of course not!" Nicci interrupted me quickly. "I would love for you to." She quirked an eyebrow at him seductively and I almost lost it. I was officially screwed.

"Well, alright!" The grin he held nearly split his face. I groaned inwardly. "You like music? Did Bells tell you I'm in a band?" He started thrumming his fingers on the table, grinning mischievously. "I'm a drummer."

"No, I…hadn't really talked about you to her…at all," I mumbled, half under my breath. I was ignored completely save the perplexed way he looked at me.

"Oh my God! Really? Like all the time? Do you have a CD?" Her brows were nearly reaching into her hairline. Emmett shook his head.

"Nah, man, it's just a hobby. But we're hot. You should check us out sometime." I could've sworn I heard a soft moan of 'mm-hmm' escape her lips and I rolled my eyes again. "Bells could make that happen, right Bells?"

I grimaced into my mocha-chino.

"Well, I'll be right back. I need to run to the little girls' room," Nicci announced and scooted herself out of the booth.

After she was gone, and after Emmett ogled her ass all the way to the restroom, he practically begged me to bring her along to the open mic thing Edward had invited Alice and me to. I cautiously, and very motherly I might add, explained to him that if I did that…and he essentially _boned _her afterward, then proceeded to disregard her like I was afraid he might (based on Edward's explanation of what he was interested in), it could put me in a very precarious predicament. I further explained, for the umpteenth time, that Nicci and I worked together and that I was _wary_…I actually said 'wary' as opposed to what I wanted to say, which was 'fucking terrified'…of her finding out about my marital and extramarital issues. He shocked the hell out of me by changing his demeanor from horny frat boy to immensely concerned big brother and draped his massive, tree-trunk-he-called-an-arm over my shoulder.

"Bells," he began, looking at me with a gaze so pained and intense I almost had to look away. "I'm so sorry for what you've had to go through." I felt the blood drain from my face. "I know, Edward told me and Jazz what Jake did to you…you know, physically…" His jaw clenched and his eyes grew dark and suddenly, he reminded me of the one I wanted most. "And, well, fuck, I just want you to know that we got your back, Bells, always. I'm so pissed at Jake right now I could tear him apart, but I won't…not unless you ask me to…or he touches you again. Got it?" He raised his eyebrows and I swallowed the lump that had formed all too quickly in my throat.

I nodded astutely. "Of course, Em." I squeezed his hand hanging over my shoulder. "I couldn't ask for a better fake big brother than you." He smiled wide, big and toothy, his signature apart from the bone-crushing bear hugs. Before he could respond, Nicci bounced back into her seat with a smile.

"Miss me?" she asked with a pout-y grin in Emmett's direction. The eye-rolling I'd been doing since he arrived resumed. They continued their let's-get-to-know-each-other-as-fast-as-we-can blather while I felt like I was intruding, oddly enough. Were we not supposed to be working? Still, a little part of me felt proud for being an inadvertent match-maker…maybe.

Emmett left briefly to order a couple of enormous coffees for, as he put it, his 'man-bitch at the office' and himself, but returned to our table and sat, seemingly unable to tear himself from the young, pretty brunette opposite him. We were all three startled out of the blue by three strong taps on the window to my left. Our heads turned and, just as my eyes met a pair of deep, angry brown ones, my breath left me in a rush.

Jake.

_Fuck! You're kidding me with this, right? _

Whoever I was speaking to in my head was not kidding because there he stood, scowling at me, his breath leaving his open mouth in quick puffs of steam. I felt the booth shift as Emmett tensed next to me.

"Bella…" he warned, but I couldn't reply. I only stared.

Jake pointed his finger at me, and then curled it toward him in a silent demand for me to come outside. His eyes shifted to Emmett next to me and there was a flicker of something indecipherable. Fear? But, he recovered quickly and turned his attention back to me. My shock was quickly replaced by anger as I narrowed my eyes to a glare. The audacity! I defiantly set my mouth to a hard line and, shaking my head, mouthed a clear _no_, much to his dismay.

I could vividly see the muscle in his jaw clench, but I turned my head to ignore him, noting Nicci's wide-eyed stare of surprise. I couldn't look at Emmett, because I knew the expression on his face alone would make me cower like a beaten dog. Thankfully, that look wasn't directed at me. The three loud bangs that followed jolted me slightly out of my seat but, just as quickly as I recovered, I was pissed off that much more. I turned again to the window and scowled. This was not the fucking way to get my attention if he wanted to talk to me. This time, instead of mouthing the word, I spoke it out…loud…slowly.

"No, Jake."

"Now," he mouthed, furious.

"Alright, I've had about enough of this shit," Emmett snarled and was out of his seat before I could protest.

_Fucking great._

"Who's that?" Nicci questioned, her voice wavering with a touch of anxiety. I looked her square in the eye and pursed my lips before responding. I guess she wouldn't have to find out my lovely situation from Emmett after all.

"That's my husband," I deadpanned. "My soon to be _ex_-husband." Her response was an audible gasp. _Oh, honey, you have no clue. _

I watched as Emmett confronted Jake outside the coffee shop window and I was completely mortified…praying to whomever would listen that this wouldn't turn into a bloodbath for all the java-drinking patrons to see. Emmett pointed his finger at Jake and waved his hand in front of him, speaking angrily. Jake did the same, only pointing at me and throwing his hands up in the air in frustration. At one point, he pulled his cell out of his pocket and jerked a finger toward it, swiping his hand in front of him and shaking the phone at Emmett. Emmett said a few indiscernible words in response and pointed at Jake again, then pointed over him toward the street, violently. I knew what he was telling him. To get the hell out of there; that I didn't want to talk to him right now, and although I felt an enormous sense of gratitude toward him, the bane of my existence…the guilt…crept its way back under my skin.

I cradled my head in my upturned palms and groaned. Feeling a gentle touch on the top of my head, I looked up to meet Nicci's sad, sympathetic brown eyes. I smiled weakly and nodded, silently telling her I was somewhat okay. But that feeling was shattered when I heard angry shouting and snapped my head back to the window. Jake was close to Emmett, almost nose to nose, and he was visibly snarling. My God, my worst nightmare…well, one of my worst nightmares was about to unfold. Emmett put his palms on each of Jake's shoulders and shoved, hard, knocking Jake back a good three feet. I braced myself for Jacob's retaliation, but it didn't come. I was shocked. Instead, when Emmett pointed toward the street again and yelled (because I heard it clearly).

"Go!"

Jake simply clenched his fists to his sides and returned with a yell (because, again, I heard that one too) of, "This is _not_ over!"

When Emmett returned to the table, he could see that I was visibly shaken. He wrapped his giant arms around me and enveloped me in a warm, much needed, strong but gentle bear hug. I fought my emotion vehemently and nodded into his chest when he asked me if I was okay.

After he and Nicci exchanged numbers, Emmett insisted on walking us to our vehicles. He had apparently employed himself as our body guard in case the big bad wolf came back for his prey. I told Nicci I would email her about the column later and she nodded with a smile. God bless her for not pressing me about my obviously problematic personal life. Em hugged Nicci and gave her a kiss on the cheek, to which she blushed furiously and giggled. He then turned to me and insisted on following me home.

"I'm not going home, Emmett," I said with a shaky breath. "I just…can't right now." He nodded and gave me a knowing smile and a wink.

"Tell my boy I said 'sup."

I hugged him again and whispered in his ear. "Thank you."

"Don't thank me, Bells." He shrugged. "That's what big brothers do."

XXXX

When I pulled into Edward's apartment complex, I let out a shaky breath. I could feel my emotions flooding through my veins and I just needed his arms around me. Alice wasn't home, the kids were at school and to be honest, I didn't want to be alone. I only wanted to see, to _be_ with one person and I was almost there, safe in his arms.

I sent him a text on my way to let him know I was coming. Something about the outcome of the last time I sort-of sprung my visit on him last minute was still weighing on my mind, but I squashed it. I knew better. He must have been watching for me. _Of course he was watching for me, my beautiful protector. _When I stepped out of my car, he was right there, rushing out to meet me, a disturbed look on his face.

_Jesus, why did I always cause him so much pain and worry? I didn't deserve him. _

I collapsed onto his over sized leather sofa with his arms wrapped around me and that was where we stayed…for several hours. His quiet words, his gentle caresses and his soft kisses lulled me until I was resting peacefully in the bubble that only he could help me escape to. He didn't pressure me for answers when he asked me what was wrong and I shook my head, replying that I just needed him. And I did. I needed him in every way imaginable, but mostly, I just needed him to hold me. I needed to feel his warmth and love all around me. He gave me that. He always did. There was no sex that late morning and afternoon, only touches and kissing and _us_ together. We did get a good chuckle out of my match-making skills after I told him about Emmett and Nicci, although I was still uneasy about that particular calamity in the making.

Of course it didn't last long enough; it never did. I received a text from Alice around one o'clock, stating that she was going home for a late lunch, and I knew I would need to go soon. The kids would need to be picked up from school soon and I wanted to arrive there before Jacob decided to make a move. In all honesty, I was wary of looking at my phone since he had been blowing it up after the coffee shop incident. The first text was semi-nice.

_Bells, I'm sorry! Please talk to me._

I ignored that one and the next few, but this one was particularly disturbing.

_I know you had that ASSHOLE at my house the other day! Hope you had fun. Whore much, Bells? Oh no, I forgot, that's me, right?_

And they got progressively more indignant as they went along and I continued to ignore them. Ending with:

_I can't even believe you! You are so selfish, it's sad. Ever thought of the fact that I love you? No, probably not. You're too busy gallivanting around with every other guy you can find! How can you be so cold to me? I've given you so much…_

It just went on and on, and that one actually took up two message spaces. He couldn't believe me? God, he was so unbelievably delusional, it made me feel sick. I should've known he would know Edward was over there. Still, I felt the panic surge through me. Just knowing that he was still having someone follow me around was beyond unsettling, and I refrained from telling Edward about it. I just couldn't bring myself to cause him more worry.

Edward was amazingly patient and…quiet about my phone exploding every five minutes. Still, I felt him tense and a strained sigh would escape his lips each and every time. And then there was the guilt again. _Honestly, I should just change my name to Bella Marie _Guilty_ Swan and get it over with. _

He was anxious when I reluctantly told him I had to go, as was I.

"When will I see you again?" he asked sadly. I felt a crack in my heart. Before I could speak, he blurted, "Because I was thinking we could getthekidstogethersoon…" He paused briefly to take in my reaction. Apparently he didn't like it and furrowed his brow, continuing quickly. "I just think they should meet. I think they'd like each other, baby." He shrugged.

I shook my head to gather my thoughts. "When…I mean, what do you think?"

His stubbled jaw went slack, shocked that I was even considering it. "Well, soon. I was thinking maybe this weekend? Sunday maybe?" He cringed in anticipation of my reaction…my rejection. I felt like such a jerk all of a sudden. I hated that he thought I didn't want to be seen with him. I felt another ache in my chest.

"Okay, yeah," I said slowly. He couldn't hide the smile tugging at the corners of his beautiful mouth. No more heart-cracking. Excellent. "But, Edward, w—we can only be friends in front of them right now. Is…is that going to bother you? I mean, until I tell the twins exactly what's going on with their dad and me, I just, I—"

My sentence was cut off completely by his lips pressing deliciously against mine. I opened my mouth and sighed. He slid one of his arms encircling me down over my behind to the apex of my thigh and I moaned.

"Edward," I whined. "I really have to go."

He growled in response. Oh, how that growl did things to me…obscene things. "I have to see you again, soon, Bella. I can't wait until Sunday." It was only four days away, but I felt the exact same way he did. I tried to be practical about it, though. _Try_ being the operative word, here.

"Edward, it's only four days."

"It's a fucking lifetime," he retorted, pouting. God, he was so damned cute when he did that.

"Well, I am seeing your father on Friday at the hospital. I, um, I have an appointment and hopefully I'll get this ridiculous thing off." I held my cast up. At the same time, I licked my lips and sunk my teeth into the bottom one, looking up at him…remembering the elevator from last time. He clenched his teeth.

"What time?"

"Eleven?" I don't know why I curled my voice up into a question. I suddenly felt unsure again. I hated it when he had that effect on me. After a beat and a lick of his delectable lips, he responded.

"I'll meet you just inside."

XXXX

"Are you gonna let me _see_ my kids?" Jacob hissed at me through the phone. "Or are you already too goddamned busy playing house with your _boyfriend." _

I shuddered and sighed.

I had been on the phone with him for a good twenty minutes, listening to his ranting and raving about my blatant disregard for his _feelings_. Alice was glaring at the phone I held to my ear, hanging on every word, pissed that I was A. giving him the time of day, and B. that he had sent yet another dozen roses to her apartment, making the grand total of forty-eight roses. According to Alice, her apartment was 'seriously starting to smell like a fucking funeral home.' He had resorted to calling her house phone, which she was also furious about. She answered the phone the first time and proceeded to tell him if he wasn't such an irrational dickhead, I might want to talk to him. That didn't help matters, God bless her.

After that, I told her to just let it ring. Eventually, when she started looking like a homicidal fairy, flitting around her apartment in a huff and slamming kitchen cabinets, I answered.

"Of course, Jake! _Jesus_, I'm not keeping the kids from you!" I nearly shouted. "And I'm not playing house with _anyone!_ Please just stop with that shit, Jake." He ignored the last part of my statement, of course, when he replied.

"They're probably missing me, don't you think, Bella?" More petulance, naturally.

"I'm sure they are." Honestly, the twins had been so wrapped up in their new surroundings that they'd only asked about their dad a couple of times. Both times, I told them he was working. Plain and simple. And he _was_ working. I didn't lie to them. But, for some godforsaken reason, I couldn't bring myself to be the 'selfish bitch' that Jake so lovingly pointed out to me earlier. "Why don't you pick them up from school today? Maybe you could take them for hot cocoa or something." I offered up a truce, and cringed outwardly. Alice's eyes widened as she cringed at the exact same time.

I scowled at her. _Not helping, Sister, thank you very much._

"Well, I can take them to school in the morning, but I'm gonna have meetings in the afternoons. I won't have time for any of that. But, I _want_ to see them, Bells, don't take my being busy like I don't…like you always do." He mumbled the last part, barely audibly, and it pissed me right off. But the attempt at a guilt trip was typical. I knew that.

"Right, whatever Jake." I'd had enough of his bullshit for one day…_make that two days_ since he'd extended his harassment into Thursday. "I'll call the school in the morning and let them know when you're on your way. If they don't show up, rest assured the entire Chicago police force, as well as Charlie Swan, will be up your ass so fucking fast, your head will spin."

He scoffed loudly. "Are you _fucking_ kidding me with this? Jesus Christ, _Bella_, I've been sending you flowers for four days! I'm trying to get you back, not _kidnap_ our kids! That's what you think of me?" I heard him fumbling around, pacing maybe…probably trying to find something to punch. I felt bad, but I wouldn't have put it past him to try and take them. It wasn't like he'd never threatened that before. I heard him clear his throat. "You're killing me, Bells," he whispered.

My stomach sank.

Absolutely ridiculous after all he had put me through, and he still could make me feel like the worst person walking around on the face of the planet. I didn't acknowledge it, I couldn't. Instead, I took a deep breath and steadied my voice.

"Please don't send me anymore flowers, Jacob. You're wasting your money." With that, I ended the call and looked over to my sister as my body began to tremble. A sob ripped through my chest just as she reached me and wrapped her arms around me tightly, shushing me and smoothing my hair away from my face. I was terrified to face him tomorrow, not out of fear, although if I had any sense, I would have considered that. No, I was afraid I would fall for his pitiful face, his sob story of how much I'd broken him. We needed to talk to the kids, get it out in the open so that we…_I_ could start to help them heal. _Fuck_. I wanted to be brave about all this. I wanted to believe I could be brave, but my resolve was dangerously close to the edge of the cliff again.

"I—I don't know if I can go through with all this, Alice!" I cried into her shoulder. She squeezed me hard and pulled away to look me in the eye.

"You can and you will, Bella. Do you hear me?" I nodded like an obedient child. "You're so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. And, I'm so proud of you." I pulled her to me and held her tightly.

XXXX

That night, as the wind picked up, the temperatures plummeted, and the drizzling rain froze on the streets of Chicago, I was thankful that Jake had agreed to take the kids to school the next morning. I felt much more comfortable with them in his four-by-four truck than in my car. Although I'd never had a problem driving in bad weather, the cast was cumbersome and, until I got it off…which was hopefully tomorrow…_shit! I would have to drive in this mess after all.._I was going to need to be careful_._

Apparently while we slept, the snow moved in. Occasionally while I tossed and turned, I heard the wind howling, but I ignored it as much as possible. I wasn't sure why the thick blanket of white surprised me when I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and looked out the window of Alice's living room. The news had been forecasting it for days. Still, the buildings shimmered and sparkled with the fresh covering of snow and the city looked beautiful, but the wind was still blowing enough to make the air look hazy and thick.

Shit. It really snowed its ass off last night and it was still coming down.

My suspicions were confirmed when my cell rang with a message from the twins' school saying classes had been cancelled for the day. I knew they would be super excited…and bouncing off the walls…so, I decided to let them sleep in for a bit.

The peace and quiet was shattered when my obnoxious sister pranced into the kitchen in her silky, flowing black robe and high-heeled slippers.

"Good _morning!"_ sing-songed. "Have you looked outside, my darling sister? It's bee-utiful!"

"Mmm," I grunted in response, scowling at her stupid slippers. "Alice, what the hell are those?" I pointed at the ridiculous things on her feet.

"What? I like them. Aren't they fabulous?" She twirled around and kicked her feet out. I rolled my eyes, wanting to scratch her bright, sparkly ones right out of her little head.

"A little ostentatious, even for you, don't you think? Who do you have to impress at seven a.m. anyway?" I hissed. A morning person, I was not.

"God, who pissed in your Wheaties this morning?" She huffed and pouted at me. "Fine, maybe they weren't my best marketing decision, but _hopefully_…" she winked "…thanks to you and _Edward_, I'll have someone very handsome to impress on many early mornings." She skipped over to me and planted a chaste kiss on my cheek, which I wiped off with a groan. Her mood shifted slightly as she looked me over. "Are the kiddos still asleep?"

I nodded.

"Well, what time is that asswipe coming to pick them up?"

I groaned. "Alice, please try to be a little nice." She narrowed her eyes but I continued before she could spout off. "I don't know if he is because school's cancelled today." I bit my lip. Here was the hard part. I knew she had planned on staying in today because she made the mistake of mentioning it when it was freezing rain the night before. "And…I kind of have a doctor appointment at eleven."

"Excuse me? Come again?" Her eyes widened. I felt bad about more or less dumping my kids on her for my appointment, but I didn't have a choice really, other than cancelling it, and I didn't want to do that for more than one reason. I knew she loved her niece and nephew dearly, but having them around day in and day out was a little stressful for her to say the least. It was no picnic for me either, really. My sister was a slob and a half.

"Please, Alice," I begged. "I might get my cast off today and I really want to. Please?" I actually batted my eyelashes, like that would help. She opened her mouth to respond but my cell interrupted her.

"Hey Jake." I tried to sound halfway pleasant.

"Hey, school is cancelled," he mumbled. He sounded sad, defeated.

"How did you…? Oh, they call the house phone too. I forgot," I mused out loud.

"Can I…I was kind of wondering if I could pick them up anyway, you know, do that whole hot cocoa thing for a while. Even though I don't know why I have to ask for permission to pick up my own damned kids." He grumbled the last part half under his breath, probably thinking I couldn't hear him. I did and I chose to ignore it. I was too pleased that he actually still wanted to come get them for a while.

"Sure!" I exclaimed, a little too enthusiastically. "Um, for how long?"

He sighed. "Well, I thought we could spend the day with them." _Wait, we?_ "I thought we could take them ice skating or something." _There it is again…we._ "You don't have anything going on today, do you?"

I curbed the bubble of rage that wanted to escape my chest at that particular moment. The nerve he had to think I would just spend the whole fucking day with him after everything. Absolutely not.

"Um, Jake, I have a doctor appointment today…possibly to get my cast off, and it might take quite some time, Carlisle said so himself, so that's not going to be possible."

Silence.

Then…

"What, so you're on a first name basis with him now? Nice," he spat. Of course, I couldn't expect any correspondence with Jake to go well. "Fine, whatever. I'll be there at ten to pick them up. Then, I'm taking them _home_, Bella."

"Jake, they're not—" I started to protest.

"If you want to be that way, then _you_ can come and pick them up from their _home_ later on." Then he hung up on me. The son-of-a-bitch hung up on me. I was fuming and angry and nervous to let him take them. It took Alice almost an hour to calm me down; explaining to me that if he pulled anything with the kids, everyone we knew would have Jacob Black by the balls. Finally, I conceded.

Approximately an hour later, Robby stumbled out of the spare bedroom that he and Krissy had made their own. Sleepy-eyed, hair disheveled and looking thoroughly confused.

"Moooooom!" He looked at me with wild eyes for a moment as I stared back at him, trying to hide my amusement. Alice giggled at the same time he lifted his little hands into a shrug and then pointed at the digital clock. "School? We gotta go! We're late!" I couldn't hold my laughter in anymore. As it erupted from my mouth blatantly, he scowled at me.

"Calm down, baby, you guys get a snow day today! Look outside." I announced. He turned his head to the window and his little eyes went wide with excitement. Turning on his heel, he bolted down the hallway.

"Krissy! Krissy! We don't gotta go to school today! It snowed! Check it out!"

Alice and I groaned as we heard the squealing from the little princess ensue. And the madness began. Needless to say, by the time Jake showed up, the kids were dressed, thoroughly bundled up and according to them, I hadn't done any of that fast enough. They had been asking to go outside and play in the godforsaken blizzard since they got up and that was not happening, so they weren't pleased with me. When I told them they were maybe going ice skating with Daddy…the squeals were ear-shattering. I wasn't sure how I felt about that, but I tried to be mature. Much to my mammoth surprise and delight, Jake barely spoke a word to me. The kids really were happy to see him and although the guilt was nagging at the back of my mind again, I tried to put up a brave face for the twins.

He was their father. He needed to see them. They needed to see him.

The amazing Alice once again talked me off the ledge when they left and reassured me that everything would be alright. I had no choice but to believe her and to believe that my husband wouldn't take out his animosity toward me on the kids by doing something unfathomable.

Before I knew it, it was time to head to the hospital. Just as I was wrangling with my warm, fuzzy boot to try and get it pulled over my foot and yoga pants with one-and-a-half hands, Alice's doorbell rang. She had been lounging on the sofa, languidly sipping her latte…or whatever, and looked at me with an arched eyebrow. I shrugged, having no clue who it could possibly have been. I watched her as she sauntered over to the door and looked through the peephole, then turned to me and pursed her lips with a smirk.

"What?" I asked. "Who is it?" She didn't answer me, only pulled the door open and held her hands up to her chest in mock surprise.

"Why, Edward Cullen! What brings you to my apartment on this _lovely_ winter morning?"

"Alice," his smooth voice answered. "Looking _pretty_ as ever." She giggled in response to some inside joke I wasn't privy to.

I shot up off of the sofa and spun around, meeting familiar, beautiful green eyes, an angular, slightly stubbled jaw and smiling lips…all that were framed by a black beanie with wisps of bronze sticking out of it. Oh my how I'd missed him and it had only been a couple days.

"H—hey. What…" I shook my head. "What are you doing here?" I was grinning like a high school freshman staring at the cutest senior boy in school. I couldn't help it. He was standing there, looking ridiculously gorgeous, better than what was reasonable given he had just stepped in from a near blizzard outside. His dark jeans hugged him in just the right places…button fly, of course…the charcoal V-neck sweater he was wearing was accentuated by a white tee underneath. His black leather coat was just tight enough to not look bulky. The cherry on top was the beanie, which made his five-o'clock scruff look a little darker, and I was absolutely done for.

He looked at me through his lashes, almost shyly at first. Shy looked amazing on him as did everything else, but he quickly recovered and his bright emerald eyes turned dark jade as they raked over my body. I fucking blushed. How I could still blush at the way he looked at me was completely beyond me, but I did. Satisfied by the color he had caused to flood to my cheeks, he flashed me that damned crooked grin.

"Have you looked outside this morning, beautiful?" he crooned. My stomach began to flutter. I cursed myself internally for being such a pre-teen and tried to calm my quivering thighs.

"Of course I have, Edward." I smirked at him. "I have children who normally have to get up at the crack of dawn for school." I was going to tease him a little bit, for showing up unannounced. As much as I loved him and that he was here, it was a little brazen, given the situation.

"Uh, norm-normally?" He looked a little nervous suddenly.

"Yeah, but not today…snow day." I replied coolly. "Isn't Kellan out of school today?" I actually hadn't even thought of that. If my kids were out, surely his was too, so where was he? I was even more surprised Edward was standing in front of me at that moment. His face fell, his stance went rigid, and he looked as though he might pass out. I suddenly felt really bad.

"Oh, oh no. It's…been a weird week. Kel went back to his mom's yesterday evening. But, that won't be lasting for very long." I looked at him inquisitively, but he just shook his head. A conversation for another time, maybe? His eyes darted to the hallway and then back at me. "I'm sorry, I, I didn't know. Do I need to…" He pointed to the door looking…sad. My heart sank.

"They're not here," I answered quickly and his posture softened somewhat as he looked at me perplexed. "Jake picked them up for the day." I wasn't sure if that was the right thing to say at that moment, because I watched his brow furrow and his jaw clench at the sound of his nemesis' name. I looked over at Alice, anxiety gripping me suddenly, but she was merely looking between the two of us, almost amused. Just as I was about to start squirming where I stood from his intense gaze, he took two large strides and pulled me to his body, gripping me around my waist with one arm and cradling my head with his free hand. My breath left me in a rush and I heard Alice sigh somewhere behind him. I'd lost track of her suddenly.

"You are evil," he smirked. "Trying to scare me away, baby?"

I couldn't form words at that moment, so I simply shook my head.

"But, I get to meet them on Sunday, right?"

I nodded. "And I get to meet Kellan?" I asked in return.

"Absolutely."

He smiled so wide it nearly split his face, and he bent down, taking my lips between his. My body came alive suddenly and I almost forgot about my sister's presence until she groaned sarcastically.

"Oh my God, get a room!"

Edward chuckled against my mouth, breaking our kiss, and turned to my sister with a sparkle in his eyes. "Well, technically, we are in a room."

She rolled her eyes exasperatedly.

"So, you never answered me as to why you happen to be here, Doctor." I pressed my palm against his chest and pulled back to look at him with a grin. I was smart enough to figure out why he was there…my protector…I just wanted to hear him say it.

He cocked his head to the side and winked at me. "I'm here to escort my beautiful girl to her doctor appointment today. I wouldn't want you navigating these dangerous streets one handed, my love."

My heart nearly burst out of my chest. I could've been annoyed that he had so little faith in my driving skills. I could've thrown a fit that I wasn't that fragile, that I could handle the drive myself, but I didn't want to. Instead, I stood there and gazed at him, momentarily in awe. He was there for me again, there to save me from the treacherous streets of Chicago. There to take care of me and make sure I was okay. How could I possibly have been anything but even more in love with this man that I already was? Impossibly more. He was…wonderful.

"I love you," I whispered.

He smiled and leaned down to my ear.

"So much," he whispered back.

"Oh, you guys are so annoying!" Alice huffed behind us. We both let out a soft laugh in response. "Well, you kids have fun! I'm going to drink my coffee and eat bon-bons all day." She started down the hallway, clicking her stupid slipper-heels.

As we made our way to the door, Edward turned in Alice's direction. "By the way, Tink, Jasper said to tell you hi."

The squeal was unmistakable and Edward laughed, shaking his head as he escorted me through the door and eventually out into the bitterly cold Chicago air.

XXXX

_**Chapter end notes: Well, whadya know? No cliffy! Disappointed? Well, don't get used to it! You guys know me too well…or you should at least, for that! As always, I'd love to hear your thoughts. Alice is quickly becoming one of my favorites to write, aside from Emmett, but Nicci's air-headedness makes me smile. ;-) Who wanted Em to kick Jake's ass? *raises hand* Me too! But it just wasn't prudent. Another time…*wink* Don't yell at me for the 'no sex' thing. Hold your breath 'til next chapter. **_

_**Speaking of, like I said, I'm trying to be better with updates. Chapter 45 is more than half way done, so I'm shooting for a week, two at the most! And, remember how he noticed a certain 'familiar' yet strange little girl last time? Well, something big will happen toward the end of the next one. Stay tuned! **_

_**In the meantime, I posted a special outtake entitled "Standing at the Crossroads"…go over to my profile and my stories and please check it out if you haven't already. It's Tanya's story, and I wrote it for the Fandom Against Domestic Violence.**_

_**I also have a rec for y'all. "Awake My Soul" by msj2779 is an amazing story with an interesting twist. I'm captivated by her writing. Go! Check it out and leave her some love. She needs it!**_


	49. Chapter 45, Fix You

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past**

**Chapter 45, "Fix You" ~ Coldplay**

Edward's Pov

_**A/N: What can I say? My betas are amazing. THEsnapcrakklepop and fmneff, without you beautiful ladies, I would be a mess. Thank you so much for holding my hand and walking me through my smut issues (among others)! **_

_**I'd like to give a special thanks to an amazing reader, itsyblue1214, for all the encouraging words. I applaud you, my friend! Thanks to the rest of you who are sticking around and continuing to review. You still keep me writing! **_

_**Quick PSA: I want to explain the italics in this chapter. There are a lot of them. The bulk sections in italics represent flashbacks. Rather than start at the beginning of Edward's week and backtracking through it all, I thought it would flow better starting at the end with him thinking back during a tense dinner with his parents. I hope that makes sense and it reads well for you. **_

_**Song Link: www (.) youtube (.) com/watch?v=pY9b6jgbNyc**_

_**I don't own Twilight or the songs involved in this crazy mess below…I just take the characters, turn them upside down and shake them senseless.**_

XXXX

"_When you try your best, but you don't succeed; when you get what you want, but not what you need,_

_When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep…stuck in reverse,_

_And the tears come streaming down your face; when you lose something you can't replace,_

_When you love someone, but it goes to waste…could it be worse?_

_Lights will guide you home…and ignite your bones,_

_And I will try to fix you,_

_High up above, or down below; when you're too in love to let it go,_

_But if you never try, you'll never know…just what you're worth,_

_Lights will guide you home…and ignite your bones,_

_And I will try to fix you,_

_Tears stream…down your face…when you lose something you cannot replace,_

_Tears stream…down your face, and I…_

_Tears stream…down your face…and I promise you I'll learn from my mistakes,_

_Tears stream…down your face, and I…_

_Lights will guide you home…and ignite your bones…and I will try…_

_To fix you."_

XXXX

I had enough. Tonight was supposed to be special, but in retrospect, it was turning out to be the perfect fucked up ending to the debacle that was my week. Esme invited me to what was supposed to be a nice dinner with just my parents and me, at their house, but instead, the tension at the table was thicker than the foot or so of snow that had fallen outside the previous two nights.

Carlisle's attitude toward me had deteriorated since yesterday when I accompanied Bella to her doctor appointment…okay, honestly, it had deteriorated since that first night when I took Bella to the hospital to get her hand checked out, _but who's fucking counting._ Instead of talking to me, my father just sat there glowering at me and occasionally shaking his head in irritation. He thought I couldn't see him. Esme noticed, I was sure of it, but she hid it well, bringing up mundane topics of conversation to try and break the stressed atmosphere created by Carlisle and myself.

It was fucking excruciating. I had never been so uncomfortable in front of my parents in my life. You would've thought that Carlisle had walked in on me fucking Bella in the supply room after her appointment or something. _Jesus,_ I was going to need to curb those thoughts as soon as possible, or the discomfort in the air would be the least of my fucking problems.

I cleared my throat and tried to focus my attention on the food I had been pushing around on my plate, rather than my brooding father sitting across from me.

"Mom, it's delicious." My eyes settled on hers briefly and she smiled sadly, nodding. Oh yeah, she noticed and I felt like an asshole for making her as uncomfortable as I felt. The food was delicious though…some Cajun shrimp and linguini concoction she had come up with…I wasn't lying; I just couldn't bring myself to eat much of it given the nervous churning in my stomach. I was trying not to be the first one to open the floodgates with Carlisle. It was as if both of us were waiting on the other to just spit it the fuck out already.

"Thank you, honey," Esme replied softly. "I found that recipe online and just added a little of my own flair to it." I smiled at my mother. Why couldn't I be more like her…sweet, soft-spoken? Less of the abrasive asshole that I was. Hell, my father was a good person too, save his self-righteous indignation and holier-than-thou judgmental side. I sometimes wondered if my biological father was a walking advertisement for anger management, like myself.

"Oh, I almost forgot," her voice perked up a little and she tapped the table in my direction. "Edward, I ran into Patricia Uley the other day at the market." She sighed and smiled just as I almost choked on the shrimp I had popped in my mouth. "Such a sweet lady. She couldn't say enough about her boy…you know Sam, right? Such a proud mom, just like me." She reached over and patted my arm.

"Mm-hm." I nodded and tried out a small smile, which turned into nothing more than a grimace. Thank Christ I hadn't divulged what happened at the beginning of my week to Carlisle. He would've had a heyday with that one. Just thinking about it again, made my blood begin to boil.

XXXX

"_You have to be…" I started to raise my voice but clenched my teeth together to gain some semblance of composure. "You have to be kidding me, Sam." He simply looked at me with a no-nonsense expression and shook his head. I tried to wrap my own head around the fact that I was being questioned as a goddamned suspect in a serial rape case. I couldn't do it. _

"_Anonymous caller, huh?" I hissed. Sam nodded once. "Bullshit. Who was it, Sam?" He remained silent and I glowered at him. Not getting an answer from him, I turned my attention to Sergeant Hawkins who, although she held the same professional exterior, looked at me with eyes that knew I couldn't have possibly had anything to do with what was being implied. "Do you know who it was, Sergeant Hawkins? Was it a male or a female?" She shook her head silently at first, and then began to speak professionally._

"_Mr. Cullen…"_

"_Doctor," I corrected her with disdain in my tone._

"_Doctor Cullen, we have no way of knowing who it was and even if we did, you know we couldn't—"_

"_Yeah, you couldn't tell me. I get it," I shot back. "Look, I went for a run on Saturday morning. There weren't that many people out that early, but I ended up on Navy Pier and there was a woman there…her little girl ran into me; she was lost and when her mom found her, I was checking the little girl to make sure she was alright. I introduced myself to her, but she was the only one there who would've known my name. I would understand that…if she called, because she didn't know me from Adam._

_However, there was someone else there. I didn't know who it was until the next night, when I was on my way to get my son and saw him leaving my ex's house! I saw him in the same vehicle on the beach near Navy Pier…_fornicating_ in public with who I'm now certain was my son's mother! Now, last time I checked, having sexual relations in a public place is against the law, is it not?" I looked between the both of them, seething, and they simply nodded in response so I continued. "After I'd been on the pier for a few minutes, I felt someone was watching me. It was fucking creepy." _

"_Who was it, Dr. Cullen?" Sergeant Hawkins asked. _

"_The same man I _told _you about before. The same man who I told you could very possibly have something to do with these rapes. The same man who attacked Bella Swan at the hospital, _Sergeant_, but you all seem to be more interested in pointing fingers at innocent people like me!" I was beyond pissed, but tried to keep my voice at a normal level. "It was James Campbell. So, you can see why I'd like to know if it was a male or a female who made the call, can't you?" _

_They glanced at one another briefly and I caught a silent exchange as Sam shook his head at her minutely. She glanced at me, then back to Sam, opening her mouth a couple times to speak before sighing. _

"_Of course, we don't know who it was, Doctor Cullen, and you still need to answer our questions, but I believe it was a male." Sam growled in response to her disclosure, but she didn't even flinch. "That doesn't mean it was who you think it was. Now, if you could be so kind as to answer the detective's questions, we'll get out of your hair." Her sarcasm was evident, but hidden somewhat behind her professionalism. _

"_Right," I huffed. "Sure it wasn't him. He has no agenda to speak of, does he?" My tone was dripping with sardonic innuendo, but she only raised her eyebrows waiting for my compliance. "Fine. I was over at a buddy of mine's house…Emmett McCarty. Jasper Whitlock was also present. Detective Uley has their numbers, right Sam?" I glared at him. "We all _used _to be friends."_

"_Still are," Sam quipped. _

_I scoffed. "Oh yeah, _sure _we are, Sam." He only looked away, avoiding eye contact with me. I thought I detected a hint of shame in his eyes. Good. That motherfucker knew I wasn't capable of hurting any woman. If I had kept my hands off of the succubus (and that was no small feat, believe you me) he could be damned sure I wouldn't do what he was fucking suggesting._

"_And you were there all night?" Sergeant Hawkins asked, scribbling in a small notebook she pulled from her pocket…or out of her ass, I couldn't be sure._

"_Yes," I hissed. "Anything else?" I was done talking to these assholes. In hindsight, I guess I couldn't blame Sergeant Hawkins. After all, she didn't know me that well. Sam, on the other hand…well, there was no good excuse I could come up with for his betrayal. _

"_No, that'll be all—" she began, but was interrupted by Detective motherfucking Uley. _

"_We need a DNA sample."_

"_Excuse me?" I asked as my eyebrows tried to find a new home past my hairline. The nerve of these assholes…_

"_I said we need a DNA sample, Edward. Just a swab to the inside of your mouth. Is that going to be a problem?" He was smug, but still hardly making eye contact with me, and I was on the verge of snapping his head off of his shoulders. _

"_You're not serious," I stated, grinding my teeth together. He stared back at me stone-faced. "You can go to hell, Sam. You don't need shit from me. Check my motherfucking air-tight alibi and then leave me the hell alone. Until then, get the fuck out of my house. You need anything else from me; you can talk to my goddamned attorney." _

"_I can always get a warrant for it." He smirked in response. Even Sergeant Hawkins was looking at him like he sprouted a second head. I clenched my fists at my side to keep from hitting a cop in the face. _

"_If you knew how to do your job, _Detective_, you wouldn't need to worry about that. And you sure as hell wouldn't need to disturb me at my home and interrupt precious time I have with my boy. If you did your job, you'd have done your research, and you'd know that James Campbell moved halfway across the country after he tried to attack a female patient in an x-ray room in Seattle." He was glowering at me, but I was on a roll and didn't shut up. If I had any sense I would have, knowing he could slap handcuffs on me at any moment and haul my ass in for questioning. Apparently I didn't, because I kept going. "Or maybe you should check into Jacob Black…since he tried to rape his own wife recently." _

_His face blanched noticeably and he scowled at me, his jaw going slack for a brief moment before he closed it and cleared his throat. _

"_That's quite enough, Edward. You know I can't discuss any of that with you." He adjusted his suit jacket and squared his shoulders in front of me. _

"_Well then maybe you should _discuss_ that with the appropriate people. Or are you too busy hooking your cousin up with married men, creating little bastard children?" I snarled. Sam growled in response and clenched his fists at his sides, glaring at me. He puffed his chest out as well…as if that was going to fucking scare me or something. Fuck this asshole. My inner voice of reason had been frantically trying to get me to shut the hell up, but I was beyond the point of being reasonable. At present, I was riding the 'do not pass go, take your ass straight to jail and throw away the key' highway, about to enter the 'point of no return' tunnel. _

_I didn't give a fuck. _

_He opened his mouth to probably start reading me my Miranda rights, but surprisingly, Sergeant Hawkins stepped in between us. She rolled her eyes and sighed. _

"_Okay, okay, boys. Can we ease up on the testosterone for a couple minutes?" She mumbled something inaudible under her breath before turning her attention to Sam and speaking in an almost condescending tone. I wondered how that was going to go over once they got back to the station. "Detective Uley, I believe we're done here." He grunted a protest, but she wasn't budging. I knew there was a reason I liked her. "We'll follow up. You know we don't need anything else right now." He relented, nodding once and grinding his teeth together. _

"_Edward," he snapped, still glowering. I arched my eyebrows at him, trying to keep from laughing like a deranged hyena. "I'll be in touch."_

XXXX

"Yeah…proud," I could barely hide my distaste for the asshole but Esme didn't seem to catch it. I rolled my eyes and when I glanced up my father was watching me with suspicion, one eyebrow raised. I cleared my throat again and shoved a generous amount of linguini into my mouth to keep myself from saying something stupid. My parents didn't need to be enlightened about my most recent run-in with Detective Uley.

The dick actually called me the next night. Apparently, he had finally done his job and called Emmett and Jasper. Of course I already knew this because Emmett had called me right after (with Jasper on a third line) ranting and raving about how the Chicago police department had their heads so far in 'rectal defilade'…yeah, I had to look that one up, (which was ironic; me being a doctor, I suppose I should've known the technical term for having one's head up one's ass)…that they needed windows inserted into their abdomens to see.

_I can't even get into that conversation right now because it hurts my head too much. _

For some reason unbeknownst to me, he felt the need to apologize for unnecessarily questioning me the night before. Honestly, I wanted to repeat Emmett's comment to him verbatim, but wisely decided against it. I was pissed, but I wasn't a stupid motherfucker. Still, I was a smug asshole back to him, using as few words as possible, and I hadn't heard from him since. Just the way I wanted it. Still friends, my ass. He picked his side and had done some shady shit in my opinion and I didn't need a friend like that…cop or no cop.

"Have you seen Sam lately?" Esme asked, dabbing the side of her mouth with her napkin.

I purposefully took a large bite, chewing slowly and studying the food left on my plate. I could feel Carlisle's oppressive gaze from across the table and glanced up at him quickly to see a quizzical look on his face. At least he didn't look suspicious.

"Nope," I replied after I had thoroughly masticated and swallowed every bit in my mouth, turning my attention back to my fascinating plate. "He has better friends."

"Oh, honey, I'm sure he's just busy solving crimes," she offered, as if we were little kids in an argument.

I scoffed. "Mom, please. We're grown-ups with separate lives. We don't really hang out anymore. It's fine."

She changed the subject, observing my growing hostility, but not realizing that what she said next would fuel my aggression even more.

"Well, I wish Kellan could've come to dinner. My little chef," she mused to herself. "I miss him when he's with his mom."

I growled under my breath. I couldn't help it. Just thinking about the ignorant bitch that bore him sent me into a fucking rage. I dropped my fork and ran my hands through my hair a couple times to try and calm my nerves, but it didn't work.

"I'll tell you what…he won't be staying over there for very _fucking…_" I spat out before I realized it, but caught myself, noting the look of disapproval on her face. I chanced a glance at Carlisle. He was staring intently at me, brow furrowed and shaking his head just enough for me to understand.

I got it. He didn't want me to worry Esme with what the succubus had been up to. He didn't even know about her recent escapades with a possible rapist. For the one and only time during dinner, I understood. I kept things from Bella because I didn't want to worry her…because I _loved _her. Besides, she had enough to worry about in life without me adding to it. Carlisle and I understood each other as men who loved and protected the women in their lives fiercely.

"Edward Masen Cullen, you know how I feel about that kind of language at my dinner table," she chided. "Now, what's going on with Rosalie?"

"Sorry Mom…and it's nothing. We're just…not getting along, but what else is new, huh?" I chuckled humorlessly and glanced at my father again, who looked relieved. Esme sighed and shook her head.

"Well, I know she can be difficult, but I really wish you two would try to be cordial. You don't have to love the girl, but Kellan at least needs you both to get along."

_Well, thank God, I don't have to love her, because I fucking hate the bitch right now._

I nodded. "I know. We're fine in front of him. It's nothing." I leaned over and kissed her cheek. "Don't worry about it."

"Okay, dear. So…how are your…other friends?" Her question seemed odd, but I paid little attention to the peculiar expression on her face.

"Uh, they're fine, mom. Why?" That was a stupid question on my part because my mother was always concerned with everyone's well-being.

She shrugged. "Just curious. You know I always worry about Emmett and that poor mother of his…" she trailed off with a sigh. "Anything new going on in your life, honey?" The insinuation in her tone was palpable, but I tried my best to ignore that as well. I wasn't exactly sure where she was going with this line of questioning, but I also wasn't sure I liked it very much. Still, my mother's stanch ability to get me talking won out and my mouth got away with me.

"Emmett's a big boy, Mom; he can take care of himself." Carlisle glanced up at me, uninterested it seemed, and then his attention was back on his plate. "And as a matter of fact, there is something new going on. We're getting our band back together to play at this open mic thing at a local club. Garrett's back too."

"That's wonderful, honey!" She smiled sweetly and patted my arm again. Carlisle mumbled something barely audible about me going back to work sometime soon and responsibilities, but I restrained from firing back at him. Esme shot him a pointed look, but didn't say anything before she turned her attention back to me. "Emmett mentioned that to me. It'll be fun for you boys."

And again, before I knew it, my mouth was running away from me. "Yeah, I think he might have actually found himself a girl willing to go out with him! Jasper too!"

_Oh fuck…what did I just say?_

"Oh really?" She raised her eyebrows, intrigued. "And what girls are these?"

XXXX

_It was Wednesday evening, and I had just gotten done showing Kel some beginner Jui-Jitsu moves when my phone rang. I loved showing him even though he rarely seemed interested. Of course, this time was no exception, but he had been begging me for days to watch some goofy skater shows on TV, so I made a deal with him. If I watched the shows…he would let me show him what _I _was good at. He relented after some ineffective whining and I felt victorious. I never understood his opposition to martial arts, but to him, skate-boarding was much cooler._

_Such a shame, but apparently the boy was too young to appreciate the art. I could've showed him how cool cage fighting with mixed martial arts was, but that shit got a little gory and maybe a little too hard core for his young eyes. (What the fuck am I talking about? His idiot mother let him watch Zombieland for Christ's sake.) _

_I took a look at my caller ID and sighed. Should've known._

_Fucking Emmett._

_Two phone calls from him in two days could've only meant one thing…motherfucker wanted to gossip. If it had anything to do with Jacob fucking Black, I was going to explode. I didn't want to hear it. I was sick to death of hearing about him, but I knew something was wrong. Something was wrong with Bella when she came over earlier today, but I didn't press her. I knew it had to have something to do with that fucktard, but I also knew she would have told me, had she wanted to talk about it…hopefully. Then again, she was painfully aware of my temper, so maybe not. _

_Bella had told me about the girl she worked with, or the girl that interned there, or something. How Emmett had put the moves on her…dazzled her apparently with his panty-dropping skills. I laughed to myself. That poor girl had no idea what she was in for, but I was relieved beyond belief that I wouldn't have to listen to him piss and moan for the next two weeks. _

"_What's going on, Em?" I answered, trying not to audibly reveal the smirk I had on my face. _

"_Not much, dick. Yourself?" he chuckled. This motherfucker…_

"_Showing my boy some moves. Maybe he'll be able to kick your old ass someday."_

"_Maybe, tell little man Uncle Emmett will take him out and show him some _real _fun! Hey, did Bella tell you she saw me today?" Okay, that was weird. No 'yeah, yeah, fuck off!' or other crude come-back from him…other than the 'real fun' thing which, that man was taking my son absolutely nowhere. He didn't even call me Edwina. _Jesus_, that must have been some girl he met. _

"_Uh-huh," I replied sarcastically._

"_Well, what'd she tell you?" _

"_Nothing," I lied. _

"_Okay, first of all…_somebody's_ a lying sack of shit for telling me Bella had a date for me already when she clearly didn't." I laughed, loud and obnoxious just to get under his skin a little, but the fucker laughed right along with me. "Dude, she works with one of _the_ hottest chicks I've ever seen. And she's going out with me! Oh, _and_ she's coming to Open Mic Night!" _

_He was nearly squealing like a fucking fourteen-year-old girl. I had to roll my eyes. _

"_She's hot, huh? What does she look like?" _

"_Oh, fuck, dude! She's tall…legs up to her fucking armpits, thin, and her tits are…" he paused for emphasis, "nice! She has long brown hair. Not as dark as Bella's, but thick. I could get a good handful of that hair, ya know?" He let out a grunt and I wanted to fucking hurl. Such a Neanderthal, he was. "I don't know…what else…" he mused. "Brown eyes, plump lips that I wanted to take a bite out of…"_

"_How's her personality?" I asked in the most serious tone I could muster. _

"_Huh?"_

"_You know, her personality…her mind…is she smart? Is she funny, witty, interesting at all to talk to?" I knew the answer to all of this, and that was that he had no fucking clue. It was comical. _

"_Dude, are you gay? Seriously, because I'm starting to wonder about you. She's _hot_, and that's all I need right now, for fuck sake," he huffed. "Could you just stop being all intellectual and shit? I might get laid. This is big!" _

_I laughed my ass off. I loved pulling his chain. He made it so fucking easy. I kept listening as he went on and on about this girl, Nicci or whatever, and was just about to hang up when he cleared his throat._

"_Hey, uh, there's something else. Did Bells tell you about Jake showing up at the coffee place today?" His tone was serious. Too serious for him to be fucking with me. I sat silent for a moment, trying to collect myself enough to respond. No wonder she was so shaken up when she got to my apartment. _

_Goddamn it! _

"_What…happened?" I asked slowly, robotic. Emmett knew that tone. It alarmed him, as it should have. _

"_Edward, listen to me. I took care of it. He was pissed about seeing Bella with me and pissed that she won't talk to him or something when he's been calling her." His tone was calm, but on edge, like a shrink talking to a mental patient. I cupped my hand around the phone knowing that Kellan was in ear shot and not feeling like listening to his whining about my motherfucking language._

"_That's not what I fucking asked you, Emmett. What. The. Fuck. Happened?" _

"_Christ, would you calm the hell down? He didn't even come in. I went outside to talk to him and he was ranting and raving about her, he—"_

"_Did he _threaten _her?"_

_He sighed. "Edward, I fucking swear…would you let me finish? He didn't touch her, okay? You think I would let that happen?" He didn't let me answer before he continued. "He tried to be a badass with me outside but he about got himself knocked out. Anyway, he left. That was it." _

XXXX

"Edward? Honey, are you okay?" Esme's sweet voice filled my ears.

"Huh?"

"You're gripping your fork like you want to break it. And you're going to ruin your beautiful teeth if you keep grinding them like that."

"Oh." I dropped my fork and flexed my fingers in and out. They were white from lack of blood-flow and yeah, I was grinding my teeth. Fuck. My mother must have thought I was losing my mind. She wouldn't have been far off in assuming that. "I'm, uh, sorry, what was it you asked me?"

"Who are the girls Emmett and Jasper are going out with? Are they friends of yours too?" She quirked an eyebrow at me and smiled.

I sighed and scrubbed my face with the heels of my hands, trying to choose my words carefully. Carlisle was eyeing me curiously as well but still not contributing to the conversation, thankfully.

"They're, uh, well one of them is a co-worker of…someone I know," I offered, looking at my mother and hoping to covey through my eyes to drop the subject that _I _opened up so inanely.

"Oh? And the other one?"

Fuck. Of course she wouldn't. I wanted to shove my own foot up my ass for opening my stupid fucking mouth. I sighed again and this time, Carlisle raised his eyebrows expectantly.

"Uh, she's…she's the sister of _someone_ I know, Mom." I made my facial expression as clear as I could. As her eyes widened and her mouth formed a silent 'oh', she realized just who this _someone_ was that I was referring to.

My father cleared his throat, sat his fork down gracefully, and then steepled his fingers just below his chin. He didn't have to say anything. I knew what the fuck he was thinking. Well, at least I thought I knew what he was thinking, that is, until he opened his mouth, finally, and spoke.

"Well, good for them," he said. I sighed silently in relief that he wasn't going to spout off about the silent exchange between my mother and me. Unfortunately, my relief turned out to be premature, I realized after he continued. "Perhaps they could find you a nice girl, son."

I narrowed my eyes slightly, trying to figure out why my normally passive father would deliberately try to provoke me because clearly, that was what he was doing. Although, you'd never know by the look on his face, which was the picture of calm despite his irritating sighs all evening up until then. Of course, Esme paid no attention to it. Even though she knew some of my feelings toward Bella, she couldn't have known I accompanied her to her doctor appointment. No doubt my father would have kept my _embarrassing _indiscretions from her. That fierce protection thing again and all that.

"I don't need their help," I told him matter-of-factly. He raised his eyebrows, as if to challenge me. I could feel a dull ache begin at the base of my skull. I didn't usually get migraines, but this dinner was an acute one waiting to happen.

"Oh?" he retorted.

"No…I don't," I hissed.

"What is going on here?" Apparently Esme had had enough of our cryptic show-down. She gestured between the two of us and sighed, shaking her head in disappointment. Carlisle and I both looked at her, deer-in-headlights. "Well, I've had enough of this…this tension. You two have barely said two words to one another; you're grunting and staring at each other like a couple of cave-men and frankly, you're ruining my lovely dinner. I don't know what exactly the problem is between you two, but you better start getting along…now." She pointed her index fingers at both of us sternly. Carlisle and I both slumped our shoulders like scolded children and grimaced as we apologized to her in unison.

"It's fine." She waved her hand in dismissal. "Now then, Carlisle, honey, how was your day at work yesterday? You haven't talked much since your shift ended. You know how much I love hearing about your practice." Her voice was like honey when she talked to my father…so much love in her tone and I suddenly longed to hear only one voice. I hoped with my entire soul that I would have Bella for the rest of my days. I wondered how she would feel about me – if I did get my wish – after years of putting up with me.

"Just the usual, love," Carlisle smiled as he answered her. "You know, setting bones…removing casts." His eyes shifted to mine as he said the last part and his smile faded, his lips pressed into a hard line across his face.

And the tension was back, ten-fold.

But my mind was already preoccupied. It had taken the express train exactly where I didn't want it to go, and I couldn't stop it…for the life of me, I couldn't turn it off. I darted my eyes around the room looking for something, anything to focus on rather than my parents, but could only concentrate on my plate, like shrimp and pasta were the most fascinating things I had ever seen. They were mocking me, the little crustaceans on my plate, pointing and laughing as my face flushed and the heat crept up my neck.

Where was the strait-jacket and men in white coats when I needed them?

XXXX

_She looked so fucking beautiful. That was the first thing I thought when I walked into Alice's apartment virtually unannounced and surprised her. She had these black, tight-fitting pants on that hugged her long legs and ass in a way that made my heart stutter in my chest and my throat go dry. (I shouldn't have to explain what else happened to me physiologically.) And then, of course, she had this white turtleneck that also hugged her body a little more than what she had been wearing as of late. Her breasts looked fucking amazing. Her hair was pulled up in this messy bun-thing with loose tendrils hanging down to frame her face, which looked just-out-of-the-shower fresh. _

_She looked so good that I didn't even take the time to get upset about the still obvious reason behind the turtleneck. But I was worried that she would be upset I showed up to whisk her off to Carlisle's office like some knight on my trusty steed. Honestly, I freaked the fuck out when she said the kids weren't at school, finally realizing – like the dumbass that I apparently was – that the weather outside would definitely constitute the local schools closing for the day. I was prepared to bolt – I didn't want to, but I knew if they were there, my little rescue mission would be defunct. _

_To my surprise, she was messing with me. It made me angry at first when she said Jake picked up the kids, only because his name evoked nothing short of rage from within me, but then I realized I could touch her. And I did, pulling her to me forcefully and kissing her the way I had wanted to since I arrived. Also, to annoy the shit out of Alice. _

_When we got in the car, I noticed her shiver, so I rubbed my hands together to create heat from the friction and pulled her to me, wrapping my arms around her. I pulled her gloves off, clasping my warm hand in hers until the car warmed up. She nuzzled her cold little nose into my neck and placed a soft kiss there. And then I was the one who was shivering, but not from the cold. _

_The streets were like a fucking ice skating rink….which reminded me of that asshole, because Bella told me he planned to take them ice skating. It pissed me off a little, but I stifled it. She didn't need me going off on a rant right now, especially in this weather. I navigated the streets easily, though, and as slowly as I could handle, but that didn't stop my girl from white-knuckling her seat like we were about to careen off the road any second. _

"_Hey." I put my palm on her thigh, covered by those tight little pants – which made me groan internally – and rubbed softly. "We're okay, baby, relax." _

_She blew out a slow breath. "I'm so glad you showed up, Edward. This is…this is ridiculous." She turned to me and grinned, winking. "You're my hero." _

_But her mood shifted again to the anxious fidgeting as she picked at one of her shirt sleeves and, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed her own eyes darting around uncomfortably. I wanted to calm her. I wanted to fix whatever was bothering her so much and, hell, I wanted to fix the entire situation she and I found ourselves in, but I tried to focus on one thing at a time. We both didn't need to be nervous wrecks at the moment. _

"_Baby," I murmured, trying to keep my eyes on the treacherous road ahead of me. "If there's something else bothering you, you know you can talk to me, right?" I wasn't sure I even believed myself, and when I noticed her eye me skeptically, I elaborated. "I mean, whatever it is…_whomever_ it has to do with…" I gripped the steering wheel, trying not to growl out the words and knowing precisely who I was referring to. "I won't be…" I sighed. "Well, I'll try not to be an insensitive ass." I glanced at her and smiled sheepishly, hoping she would buy it. _

_She nodded. She was silent for a few seconds before she took a deep breath. _

"_I started the divorce papers," she blurted suddenly, looking over at me. "He's…going to be served soon, I hope." _

_I gripped harder, only this time, I was trying to contain my emotions for a different reason. I was – for lack of a better term – fucking jovial. I smiled softly, again trying not to make it too obvious that I wanted to pull the car over and kiss her senseless for finally getting the ball rolling. _

"_That's wonderful, Bella. Are you, I mean, are you okay?"_

"_Yeah," she sighed. "But…" _

_I squeezed her thigh lightly and she moaned softly, closing her eyes. The sound went straight to my dick, naturally, but I tried to get a hold of it – not literally, because that would've just been…wrong while Bella was feeling so anxious. Although I wanted to. Christ, did I want to. _

"_I mean, of course, I'm more than okay with getting it going. I just know that when he gets the petition, it's going to be…bad." She shuddered. I growled under my breath, not loud enough for her to hear, and I had yet another urge to pull the car over. But this time it was to hold her tight and make all her worries go away. "He's…not going to give up so easily," she breathed. _

_I reached up and caressed her cheek with my fingertips. "I know you're worried, baby, and I know you've heard it a million times already, but it's going to be okay. I promise you. I won't let anything happen to you. Do you understand?" She nodded. "And if he doesn't give up, I'll be happy to make him," I snarled. _

"_Edward…" she warned with a pointed glance toward me. I held my hand up in surrender. I decided to keep my murderous thoughts to myself after that and concentrated on getting us to our destination. _

_When we reached the hospital, I fought the urge to scoop her up and carry her through the parking lot to keep her from falling and breaking something else. I guess we would've been in the right place for it…but still, I settled for wrapping an arm around her and holding her securely to my side. _

_Once inside and on Carlisle's floor, I let my grip lighten but kept my hand languidly on the small of her back. Once or twice, I may have let it slide down to the supple curve of her ass cheek…and it was possible that I may have gently kneaded it…once or twice. I shouldn't have done it because I only made myself that much more uncomfortable. The little mewling sound she made in response didn't help. My neglected appendage was officially cursing me. I bent down and brushed my lips along the shell of her ear and whispered. _

"_Just so you know, these tight little pants…they're killing me, baby. And I want to see what's underneath."_

_She shivered and then whimpered. I watched the blood rush to her face, covering it in a beautiful shade of deep pink, and I smiled victoriously. _

_I should've known that damn nurse of Carlisle's, Irina, would fucking rat me out after she walked Bella back to the exam room. I wanted to go, but I figured I might've been able to avoid my father's disapproval of my presence if I stayed in the waiting room. No dice, apparently, because the next thing I knew, he was marching up to me, scowling. He wasn't even hiding his contempt for me, which was admittedly a little bit shocking. Luckily, I was the only one in the waiting room to witness the livid glare he directed at me. _

"_In my office, now." He spoke quickly and quietly, but the message was clear. He turned on his heel and stalked away, and I was left stunned, staring at his retreating back. _

"_Fuck," I muttered, running my hand through my hair, reluctantly following behind him. _

"_What are you doing here, Edward?" He spun around to glare at me some more when I closed his office door quietly behind me. I shrugged. I didn't know what he wanted me to say and I sure as hell had shown my ass enough times around his office that I didn't want to make a scene. He wasn't satisfied with that, obviously, so he continued. "Are you out of your _mind? _You should know better after everything we've talked about…and now you're here with her…again?" _

"_Carlisle, she's my friend." I clenched my jaw. It pissed me off that he was so quick to judge me, his own son. Never mind the fact that he was right. He didn't know he was right, but he didn't know what she'd been through either. He didn't know half of what he thought he knew. "I'm here with her to help her…support her. She needs me. It's not what you think," I lied. "And I don't give a shit what you or anyone else around here thinks!" Remarkably, I kept my voice low and just glared at him. He shook his head in response and rubbed his temples, annoyed. _

"_You're going to regret it, son, whatever it is that you're doing. You think you know what's best for her, but you don't. You're going to ruin your life…your career!" He lifted his chin and looked me square in the eyes. "I didn't raise my son to be a ruthless home-wrecker!" _

_I just stared at him, mouth agape, and felt the blood drain from my face. Recovering quickly, I furrowed my brow and gritted my teeth, biting back the words I really wanted to say. His words, however, hit me harder than I wanted them to. I knew he was right about what I was, but what he didn't realize was that I didn't care in the least about my life without Bella in it. _

"_I've heard enough!" I spat and left his office in a huff. After that, I waited for Bella in the hallway outside of the Orthopedic Surgery department. I was pissed, pacing, and pulling at my hair in frustration. I pressed my head against the wall, groaning and trying to calm my fucked up thoughts when she came out of the office. I whipped around to face her. As my eyes trailed over her and those fucking tight ass pants, my breath left me in a rush and I was over-taken by a force I couldn't fight. _

"_Hey, Edward," she smiled brightly. "What are you doing out here in the hallway? Look! I got my cast off." She held up her right arm. Her hand was wrapped in an ace bandage and she had the cast in a plastic bag tucked under her left arm. I took it from her gingerly, and barely glanced at her wrapped hand before grabbing her by the left and practically dragging her behind me as I stalked toward the elevators. I guess I hadn't realized I was grumbling under my breath nor did I realize how fast I was going until she called out from behind me. _

"_Edward, what's wrong? What are you…? Slow down!" _

_I didn't slow down until we got to the elevators. I pressed the down arrow forcefully, scowling. I glanced over at her and saw her arms crossed over her chest, one eyebrow arched in confused annoyance. I just shook my head at her and clenched my teeth. _

"_What is it?" She suddenly looked frightened. I certainly didn't want that, so I sighed._

"_Nothing, just…my father," I growled, looking away from her. I entered the elevator and she followed behind me. I could feel her eyes on me as I pressed the ground floor button three, four times. _

"_What, what did he say? Something about me?" Her voice had weakened and I looked over at her. She looked so worried, and beautiful, and I was even more pissed that I had made her feel that way…that my father had made me make her feel that way. _

"_No," I lied, clenching my jaw tightly and raking my eyes over her body. My fucking hard on was becoming extremely uncomfortable, straining against the fly of my jeans, and my anger towards Carlisle wasn't helping. At all. _Mine_, I thought to myself. And I didn't give a fuck anymore what anyone thought. She didn't say anymore, only watched me carefully as the elevator opened and I grabbed her hand again…and again, nearly dragged her out of it. _

"_I'm sorry, Edward," she whispered behind me, and that was it. I couldn't have her thinking I was upset at her. It just wouldn't fucking do. Coming up on our right, I noticed an open door that someone had forgotten to close and lock behind them. I knew what it was and an electric current shot directly to my groin as I realized what I wanted…had to do. I had to fix this. She was going to know I wasn't angry at her. She was going to know just how much I wanted her. _

_I turned abruptly and pulled her into the room quickly, slamming the door shut and pushing her up against it. She gasped as I pressed my body into hers and slid my hands along her sides, tracing the swells of her breasts with my thumbs. My lips attacked her neck with uncontrolled fervor as I kissed and nipped up to her ear. _

"_Edward, what are you…oh God, what are you doing?" she whispered and then moaned softly. My dick fucking leapt at the sound of her whimpers. _

_Initially, I answered her by grasping her thighs and hitching them up onto my hips, grinding into her so she could feel what she did to me. "I need you. Right now. Please, baby," I groaned into her ear. _

"_I…I…" she gasped as I ground into her again and tucked my hands under her shirt to palm and knead her very fucking erect nipples. "I…had a dream about this." _

_I stopped suddenly and pulled back to look at her with a half grin and quirked eyebrows. "Huh?" _

_She blushed furiously, her face a deep crimson, and shook her head. "That first night…on the way to the hospital when I fell asleep…" Her breaths were coming out in quick gasps. The doctor in me should've been worried she would hyperventilate, but I was ignoring his ass. "This was my dream…except we were on a desk." _

"_Oh my…holy fuck." My eyes rolled back in my head and I ground into her hard, making her moan as I thought about her dreaming of fucking me that first night. Ha! I knew it! I knew that dream was no nightmare. I smiled wickedly and dove into her mouth, nibbling on her bottom lip and then licking where I'd nipped her. "If there were a desk in here, you know damn good and well I'd lay you on it and fuck the shit out of you, baby." I smiled against her mouth and she whimpered again. My dick was about to unbutton my fucking jeans itself. _

_I wasted no time. I pulled her shirt up over her head and tossed it. The black lace of her bra gave way as I yanked it down to both expose her pert nipples and suck on them immediately. She tossed her head back and cried out softly, but I forced my mouth off her skin with an audible pop so I could set her down, practically ripping her little black pants off of her and making quick work of my own button fly. I pulled on her black lace panties so hard that they_ _ripped, completely in half. It was a shame…they were ridiculously fucking hot. She didn't seem to notice. Her hands were frantically tugging my shirt upward, so I helped her out and pulled it over my head, tossing it…somewhere. _

_Without warning, I lifted her, slammed her against the door again and entered her, sheathing my aching cock with her soft heat. "Fuck!" I breathed out the words as I stilled and let my forehead fall to her shoulder. I felt her hand…the right one, no longer impeded by a cast, slide into my hair and grip tightly. She pulled my head up and looked into my eyes. I was almost afraid of what I would see, but there was nothing but pure fire, blue flames licking from her dilated pupils. She writhed against me, but I stayed still. _

"_Edward, please," she moaned on her breath. Suddenly, with her left hand taking her right one's place in my hair, she placed her newly-freed fingers against my ass and grabbed, pulling my pelvis against hers like the most delicious torture__. __I gritted my teeth. I wanted to go slow, but I knew I couldn't._

"_Just…give me a minute," I said on my erratic breath. But she pulled my face to hers and slammed her mouth to mine, writhing against me once again. Her back arched as she pressed her chest against mine, our heartbeats thudding out a passionate rhythm that drowned out all sound and sensation – except for __her__. Her heartbeat; her breathing... her scent and the undiluted need that radiated from her eyes__._ _I couldn't wait any longer. I rocked against her and pulled out slowly, only to slam into her again, and again, and again. _

"_Unngh, Edward…unnnfff, oh God, please…please don't stop," she whispered through her breaths, straining herself to be quiet. I had no intentions of stopping. Her panting breaths and muffled __moans__ only drove me farther into my desire to claim her physically as __mine__ – and I didn't care who heard me_. _We were a mess of hands and lips and tongues and skin slapping against one another; exploring and kneading and scratching and feeling, caressing, desperately trying to keep ourselves together, but losing control nonetheless. Little beads of sweat were inching their way down between my shoulder blades as I came ever so close to losing myself in her. Finally, her gasps came quicker and her bucking erratic just before she stilled against me. She bit down on my shoulder, muffling her cries as her walls contracted around me and her body shook. _

_I thrust into her twice more before my release came in a violent wave of euphoria. "Oh God... B-Bella... Bella, Bella, Bella..." I quietly moaned her name into her ear, over and over, like a benediction as I pressed into her one last time, emptying myself completely. I couldn't fucking move. _

_We stayed that way for a few moments, just slowing our breathing and coming down from an earth-fucking-shattering high, and then I slowly let her down, hissing – my dick groaning as it was again exposed to the cool air. I grabbed my shirt and pulled it on, pulling up my jeans. I gathered her clothing and handed the pieces to her cautiously, waiting while she dressed herself. She asked if I'd seen her panties and I found them for her. Upon picking them up, I remembered what I did and cringed, balling them up in my fist. _

"_They're, uh, they're ripped." _

"_Oh."_

_I felt like a douche. I was disgusted with myself. I just fucked her. There was no other way to say it – I _fucked _her; I didn't make love to her. There was nothing soft and caring about what I'd just done to her and I almost felt sick to my stomach. I couldn't even look at her. _

"_I'm so sorry," I finally said, running my hands through my hair. Her head snapped up at my tone and she eyed me oddly._

"_For what?" she asked, exasperated. _

"_For what I just did. You didn't deserve that…for me to just…just fuck you like that. I'm so sorry. You mean more to me than that, Bella." I looked at her sadly, but was surprised by the anger in her eyes. _

XXXX

"Excuse me!" My chair scraped against the wood floor crudely as I stood abruptly and turned, stalking off to my parents' bathroom. I needed some air, and bathroom air was better than the air around my parents at the time…any air would do.

Bella hadn't been angry with me. Actually, she hadn't been angry that I treated her like a whore, which she most definitely was not, and fucked her, _hard_, up against the supply room door at the hospital. She set me straight on that. She wasn't angry about the underwear either. In fact, she actually laughed about it. In so many words she told me I was a fucking moron and wondered how I ended up a doctor with such a malfunctioning brain. When I still couldn't see why she wasn't pissed at me, she threatened to take a cab home. My dumb ass straightened up real quick. _Jesus,_ Emmett and Jazz were right; she had me by the balls.

I splashed my face with cold water, scrubbing a couple times with the heels of my hands. Thankfully, Bella didn't asked anymore why I was angry at my father, but I was thinking about it again, and the anger was rearing its ugly as fuck head. I took some deep breaths before slowly making my way back into the dining room. I could hear my parents talking – it sounded almost heated – before I rounded the corner, and I seemed to startle them both as they stopped abruptly and stared at me.

Awkward.

I sat down and picked up my fork, trying to pretend I hadn't left.

"Are you okay, sweetheart?" Esme asked softly, placing her hand on mine. I looked up at my beautiful mom and started to nod, but at the same time, Carlisle scoffed from across the table. My head snapped in his direction and I tensed. I was fucking done listening to his not-so-subtle, annoyed little sounds tonight.

"Do you have something to say to me?" I spat. _Get it out in the fucking open already._

He sighed. "Does it matter, Edward? You don't ever listen to me anyway, son."

"Because I'm a grown man, Carlisle, and I don't need your advice! If I did, I would ask for it, wouldn't I?" I was glaring and seething; my hands balled into fists at my side.

"If you had any sense, you would." He glared back this time. "Should I tell your mother what you've been up to?"

"Oh, what's that? Helping out a friend that needs me? Oh yeah, dad, I'm a terrible person!"

He turned his attention to Esme. "Did you know he took Bella to her doctor appointment yesterday? A married woman he's been gallivanting around town with?" He waved his fork around as he said 'gallivanting,' for added effect.

"Carlisle," Esme warned.

"Because of the WEATHER! I didn't want my _friend_ driving in it! Oh, I'm going to hell, right?"

_Actually, you are, home-wrecker. _

_Shut the fuck up, inner voice! _

He dropped his fork and rubbed his temples. "That's the best you can do?"

"What do you WANT?" I yelled.

"Enough!" Esme raised her voice, but we both ignored her.

"You can start by being honest, Edward! We both know that you feel for that girl more than just a friend would." His voice lowered as he ended his sentence and he looked away from me. He was ashamed of me.

I was done.

I stood up abruptly and wadded up my napkin, throwing it on my plate. "I have to go," I stated, grabbing my plate and walking to the sink where I placed it.

"What? Edward no! Just sit back down," Esme pleaded.

"I'm sorry, Mom," I replied sadly, shaking my head. "I've had enough of this…this judgment tonight. I haven't done anything wrong!" _Liar!_ Carlisle sat quiet until after I'd angrily put my coat on and turned toward the door.

"You're interfering with a family, Edward! A husband, a wife, and they have children!"

I stopped in my tracks. My back stiffened and I heard my mother sigh loudly.

"Shut up, Carlisle! You have no idea what that poor girl has been through. That man is no husband to her after what he's done! He hurt her, and Edward is trying to help her! Leave him alone!"

I was shocked that my mother had said anything and I should've been pissed at her, but I couldn't bring myself to be. As I turned to scowl at my father, his shocked, pale face took me aback. He sighed and ran his hand smoothly over his hair.

"I suspected he had," he stated quietly.

"What the hell did you just say?" I spoke through clenched teeth. He looked at me, seemingly contemplating his words, then spoke calmly.

"Irina noticed some…bruising while taking her vitals over the last couple visits, this one included. They're consistent with…"

"Being physically ABUSED!" I shouted. He stared at me, contemptuous, and then nodded. "And you didn't even ASK her about it, Carlisle?" Esme just stared at him. She looked as appalled as I was.

"Edward, I didn't know, I…"

"But you _suspected,_" I growled. "You could've reported that, Carlisle! Helped put him away! Now it's probably going to be his word against hers in the divorce!" I shook my head, disgusted. "I'm out of here. You make me sick."

"Divorce?" he asked as I marched toward the door.

"Yeah, Carlisle, she left him after he almost _raped_ her. Nice fucking husband, huh. And you're right, I am in love with her…always have been." An audible gasp left Esme as I told Carlisle what that motherfucker had done to Bella, but I couldn't look at either of them. I stalked out the front door to the sound of my mother yelling at me to be careful, but then I heard the beginning of a conniption directed at my father. I almost felt bad for him. Almost.

As I pulled off of my parents' street, I had one objective – to get to her. I needed to be with her and soon, but I needed to calm the fuck down first. I could've taken a short-cut directly down I-90 to Alice's apartment, but I decided to take the long way around. Bella was expecting me tonight – because I had begged her to let me see her again, only after the kids were in bed – but I was obviously earlier than I had planned, so I gave her a quick call to make sure all was well.

She sounded different; there was a calm to her tone, an almost relief that I detected as she explained that things were 'good.' She said that, after she and Charlie had _talked _to Jacob, they all three sat the kids down and told them what was going on. I was shocked. I wondered how that conversation went and how the asshole really acted. Her tone indicated that she might've been holding something back. It must've gone well, though, because she sounded fine. She went on to tell me that she agreed to let the kids stay with him another night (I assumed she let them stay with him Friday night then and it pissed me off, but I was going to have to get used to it) so she was free to spend the evening with me. That made me very happy.

Five minutes later, I was about to turn south onto Lakeshore Drive, when a car – going extremely too fucking fast for the condition of the streets – sped past me, nearly cutting me off. I cursed under my breath and shook my head. They had to be from out of town because most of the natives around here knew better than to drive like that on these streets after the storm we had.

I pulled out behind the idiots and started on my way. I could still see their headlights in front of me, but suddenly, it seemed that the car had begun to fish-tail. I tapped my breaks just as a precaution and my own car skidded slightly, alarmingly. They had to have hit a patch of ice that sent them out of control, especially going that fast, and I felt a stab of anxiety as I watched them swerving more and more erratically. My eyes widened in horror, and I cautiously tapped my breaks repeatedly as I watched the scene that unfolded in front of my eyes almost in slow motion.

The car spun around, three-hundred and sixty degrees and skidded off the road at an alarming speed. It hit the embankment and rolled several times, ending up completely upside-down.

"Jesus Christ!" I hissed as I pulled up to where the car had gone off the road and – thankfully – I came to a slow stop. I pulled out my cell and immediately called 911, requesting an ambulance and even fire just in case, and explaining that it was only a one-car accident, but it was substantial. As soon as I hung up, I flung my door open and tried to get to the car as quickly as possible. I prayed they were still alive, having no idea how many people were in the car, and knew that if they were, they would need help stat. I dialed Bella's number again, knowing she would be worried about me if I didn't show up soon, and cursed as it went to voice mail after several rings and no answer.

"Bella, I can't make it right now," I spoke quickly, trying to keep my voice steady. "I'm so sorry, there's been…there's been an accident and it's bad. I have to help. I'll call you as soon as I can. I love you, baby."

I dropped my phone in my coat pocket and struggled through the snow drift to run the rest of the way to the car. It was a sedan, that much I could tell, and it appeared to be a Jaguar, based on the ass-end of it, and perhaps more significant than anything, the plates indicated they were, in fact, from out of town. Florida. Fuck, no wonder they didn't know how to drive in this shit. The front of the car was almost completely mangled beyond recognition and the horn was blowing, like a siren in the night, pleading for help. More terrifying was the fact that I could smell a pungent odor of gasoline, and the roof of the car was caved in so much that I could barely see in the front windows. The back windows, however, were almost intact.

"Hello!" I screamed, trying my best to see through the front window on the driver's side. "Can you hear me? Are you okay?" I continued to yell, squinting through the mangled window. "Oh God," I whispered to myself. I could barely make them out, but there were two people in the front of the car. I could see the blood. I didn't know if they were alive, but they were badly injured. They didn't look conscious. A sickening feeling of helplessness gripped me as I pulled on the handle of the driver's door. The damned door wouldn't budge. Just then, I heard a whimper, a moaning of pain that sounded too high-pitched to be an adult. _Oh my God, there's a child in the car!_

I wiped the back window off with my near-frozen fingers and peered through. I gasped when I saw her. She was dangling in her seat belt, her arm bent unnaturally behind her. I couldn't make out her features, but the long hair and frilly coat told me it was a little girl.

"I'm going to get you out!" I yelled through the window. "Just hang on, honey!" I stood up and grabbed onto the back door handle, yanking with all my strength, but it wouldn't budge either. "Fuck!" I muttered, running my throbbing hands through my hair. "Don't be scared. I won't hurt you!" I yelled again as I stepped back and began kicking the window as hard as I could. Finally it shattered and my foot went through. A piece of broken glass scraped against my leg and I hissed in pain as I felt the warmth seeping out of it. I didn't care, I had to move. The smell of gas was getting stronger and the car was smoking from the front end. I used the thick material of my coat around my elbow to punch out the rest of the glass and crawled as far in as I could.

I checked her arm first, and she cried out when I touched it. Broken.

"D—daddy? Momma?" she stammered, her voice weak and scared.

"Sweetheart, it's okay. My name is Edward. I'm a doctor and I'm going to help you," I said softly. I could hear the sirens in the distance and breathed a sigh of relief. "Can you do me a favor and tell me where you hurt?"

"My arm," she cried. "And…and my ch—chest, I can't…I can't breathe!"

"Okay, shhh, it's okay," I tried to calm her. The fucking seat belt must have done some damage to her ribs or sternum. I prayed she didn't have a punctured lung. "Can you hold onto my neck really, really tight with your other arm, honey, so I can get you out of here?" She nodded as she looked into my eyes. I could still barely see her face through the darkness of the car, but her voice, it sounded familiar to me. I just couldn't place it. I released her seat belt and she did as I asked. I counted to three out loud so she would know when I was going to pull, because as gentle as I was planning to be, I knew it was going to hurt her. "One…two…three…"

She screamed as I pulled her through the window, a blood-curdling, gut-wrenching, sickening sound of a little child in excruciating pain. I fought my emotions and collapsed onto my back with her on top of me. I rolled over ever so gently until she was laying on the ground…the freezing cold, snow-covered ground. I checked her arm first. It was definitely broken. It was a goddamned compound fracture and I cringed. Even being a doctor for so many years, seeing that happen to a child was unnerving. I took my scarf off and wrapped it tightly around the wound to both protect it and to stop the bleeding. Her legs looked fine, but she was breathing quick and shallow, and that worried me.

"Hey, can you talk to me? Tell me your name, sweetie," I said, steadying my voice. She turned her head to look at me and I gasped. It was as if I'd seen a ghost, but it wasn't a ghost, it was the little girl I saw at the pier. Her aqua blue eyes shone brightly in the light of the moon and that familiar, wavy, brownish-red hair, splayed out around her. Even with the drying blood of a superficial scalp wound that had seeped down her forehead, she took my breath away.

"M—my name is K—Kendyll," she said quietly. "Kendyll Michela T—Tanner."

I smiled…the biggest, most convincing smile I could. "Well hello, Kendyll Michela Tanner. It's very nice to meet you. Is that your mom and dad in the car with you?" She nodded.

"E—Edward?" She asked, searching my face as if she knew me. "Are my daddy and momma gonna be okay?" Her little voice was full of fear and it killed me to think that I couldn't answer her exactly.

"Well, we're going to do everything we can. The paramedics are on their way and they're going to get your mommy and daddy out of the car, okay? We're going to fix you right up." She nodded sadly and I fought the lump forming in my throat as I continued to assess her.

"E—Edward?" she asked again and I looked back into her eyes questioningly. "I saw you at that place…the Navy place?" I nodded. Just as I started to answer her, at least two ambulances and fire truck pulled up. Several other cars had stopped to gawk, but I hardly paid attention. The paramedics ran down to the scene, stretchers in hand as well as equipment. A couple of them stopped next to me, I assumed to tell me to move out of the way, but I couldn't leave her.

"I'm a doctor," I said quickly. "I've got her! There are two adults in the car, male and female, unconscious. The doors are jammed and the impact crushed the roof. I smell gas over there and the car is smoking!" They nodded astutely and ran toward the front of the car.

I pulled my coat off, wrapped it around her tightly, and then picked up the little girl, Kendyll, as gently as I could. I walked up toward my car and sat on the ground next to it, cradling her in my arms. Two paramedics from another ambulance ran over to us and I recognized them from the hospital. They began to take her out of my arms and I snapped at them.

"Be careful! Her arm is broken!" I barked.

"Doctor Cullen? We know what we're doing. We have to take her," one of them said, eyeing me warily and I nodded. I rattled off what I'd assessed of her injuries, and assisted him in securing her onto a gurney. Her painful cries were high-pitched and breathless. They were unnerving and made my heart ache. As he loaded her onto the waiting ambulance, she called out to me, so I climbed inside, wincing slightly as a pain shot through my leg.

"I don't want to leave my momma and daddy!" she gasped.

I looked at the man across from me as he busied himself strapping monitors on her. "Get her stable," I ordered him. "We can wait a few minutes, but not much longer." He nodded as he looked me over.

"Doctor Cullen, I need to wrap your hands, they're showing signs of frost-bite."

"I know." I nodded tightly, my eyes still on the little girl.

"You're leg's bleeding too."

I nodded again. "The window…I kicked it in to get to her." I smiled at the beautiful child who was looking at me with a strange expression. He said he would dress it, but I might need stitches at the hospital. "I'm not worried about me," I said, wincing again. The others; I couldn't tear my thoughts from them…and Kendyll.

She began to close her eyes. I knew I needed to keep her conscious, so I started talking to her. "So, how old are you, Kendyll?"

"I'm…ten. Going on eleven. My birthday is in March," she answered weakly, but proudly.

"March is my favorite month," I whispered in her ear. She half-smiled at me. Her breathing was getting a little shallower and she closed her eyes again. At the same time, I noticed the firemen running toward the scene with the Jaws of Life and breathed another sigh of relief. They would get them out. I hoped they were still alive.

"Sweetie, stay with me, okay?" I nudged her. She nodded. "Where are you from? You're not from here in Chicago, right?" She shook her head.

"Florida, um, Jacksonville is where we live. We came here as a special trip…I wanted to see the snow." She sniffed and began to cry. I stroked her face with the back of my hand and held back my own tears. I couldn't explain the connection I had with this child…probably just my adrenaline.

"It's okay, sweetheart, don't cry. Everything's going to be alright. We're going to fix you up so you can see the snow again."

And suddenly, there was chaos outside. I heard yelling coming from the scene of the accident. "Go! Go!" Some of the firefighters were yelling. "Get the hose!" I jumped out of the ambulance and whipped around gasping as I looked on in horror at the car, slowly becoming engulfed in flames. _Oh God_, and they still hadn't gotten her parents out. Loud beeping caused me to snap my head to the left, to the interior of the ambulance.

"Doctor Cullen, I'm losing her pulse! We have to go now!" the paramedic shouted at me over the noise. I turned my head back to the scene; adrenaline surging through me once again and I took off, running and limping toward the scene.

"Hey! Hey!" I screamed, waving the other paramedic over to me. He ran up to me and I pointed at the ambulance holding Kendyll. "You have to go, now, or you're going to lose her and that _can't_ happen! Understand?" He nodded and proceeded to the vehicle. "Run!" I screamed at him, losing my composure. I turned and started toward the burning car again, yelling that they had to get them out…_they had to get them out, goddamn it!_ There was a roaring in my ears, the sound of my own pulse and blood rushing through my veins, and I ignored the firefighters running toward me, waving frantically. It all seemed to be happening in slow motion again.

"Get back! Get back!" one of them bellowed, and I stopped, looking at him in confusion. His arms came around me just as I heard the explosion.

"_NO!"_ I roared, watching the flames shoot into the air along with pieces of metal from the car. I didn't have any more time to react as the firefighter hit me like a fucking freight train. I felt the heat on my back as we collapsed to the icy ground, and then a searing pain in the side of my head.

That was when everything went black.

XXXX

_**Chapter End Notes: I told you the cliffies were coming back! Don't yell at me, you love it! Okay, I don't have much more to say except stay tuned. Bella's up next and we have a lot of ground to cover next chapter leading up to Open Mic Night!**_

_**For those who are unfamiliar, a compound fracture is severe. It is where the bone has protruded through the skin. Yikes!**_

_**I'm waiting on baited breath for your thoughts on this one. ;-)**_


	50. Chapter 46, All Around Me

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past**

**Chapter 46, "All Around Me" ~ Flyleaf**

Bella POV

_***A/N: I guess it's a good thing my chapters are long, since it takes me, like, forever to update! My apologies as always. My excuse…life. Again, the long stretches of italics in this one are flashbacks. **_

_**My betas are the wind beneath my wings. Yeah…I said it.**_

_**I don't own these amazing songs, or the Twilight saga. Do I need to say how much I like effing with the characters' heads? I think not. The insanity you read below, however, is all mine.**_

_**Song Link, All Around Me: www . youtube . com/watch?v=Bl1AXYOseuY**_

XXXX

"_My hands are searching for you; my arms are outstretched toward you,  
I feel you on my fingertips; my tongue dances behind my lips for you,  
This fire rising through my being, burning, I'm not used to seeing you,  
I'm alive…I'm alive!_

_I can feel you all around me, thickening the air I'm breathing,  
Holding on to what I'm feeling, savoring this heart that's healing,_

_My hands float up above me, and you whisper you love me,  
And I begin to fade into our secret place,  
The music makes me sway; the angels singing say we are alone with you,  
I am alone and they are too with you…I'm alive…I'm alive!_

_I can feel you all around me, thickening the air I'm breathing,  
Holding on to what I'm feeling, savoring this heart that's healing,_

_And so I cry…the light is white…and I see you,  
I'm alive…I'm alive…I'm alive!  
I can feel you all around me, thickening the air I'm breathing,  
Holding on to what I'm feeling, savoring this heart that's healing,_

_Take my hand; I give it to you; now you own me, all I am,  
You said you would never leave me; I believe you, I believe,  
I can feel you all around me, thickening the air I'm breathing,  
Holding on to what I'm feeling, savoring this heart that's healed."_

XXXX

"Bella!" Alice called my name from the living room.

I wasn't listening to her. I couldn't. My mind was going a million miles a minute. I was currently blowing up Edward's phone, frantically trying to reach him. It wasn't what he said on the message he left me, but how he said it that worried me.

I was expecting him tonight, much later, after the twins were fast asleep. But I was surprised and delighted when he called saying he could be here much earlier. The twins weren't here anyway, and even though I sensed a bit of irritation in his tone when I mentioned they were staying with Jacob tonight, overall he seemed content with the fact that my mood was…better.

I guess it was better, but I would've described it more as relieved. Not everything was out in the open, however. Jake was still unaware of the divorce papers currently in the works, but the fact of the matter was, I felt – for lack of a better term – terrified to tell him yet. Following my doctor's appointment, after my cast was removed and after the incredible moments I spent with Edward in the supply room – mind-blowing, earth-shattering moments – something changed within me.

At first, I was angry at him for being so upset about what we did in that room. Yes, he did, in essence, "fuck me" like he'd said, but his attitude made me feel like we were wrong…dirty, and I was damned tired of feeling that way. I wanted to be done with it…free to love him the way I wanted, when I wanted and where I wanted. I almost didn't let him take me home because of it.

Home.

Alice's apartment was not my home. It was not my kids' home either and I made a decision right then and there. Jake and I – whether Jake liked it or not – were going to sit the twins down and let them know that mommy and daddy were not going to be together anymore. I remembered Edward's reaction on the way back, when he asked what time 'Captain Douche' as he called him, to which I rolled my eyes, was going to bring the kids back. I assumed it was so that he could avoid a confrontation with Jake. I hesitantly told him he wasn't. That I was going to pick them up. He didn't like it one bit, and he certainly didn't hide it from me.

XXXX

"_You're not going over there by yourself," he barked. Like the idea was asinine. Like I couldn't handle things on my own. Okay, maybe it was and maybe I couldn't, but it still irked the hell out of me. _

"_Excuse me, Edward," I hissed. "Do I need to remind you that I'm a grown-ass woman? You don't get to tell me what I will and will not do!" I crossed my arms over my chest and scowled at the windshield with a huff like a petulant child. I heard him grumble and noticed him grip the steering wheel tightly in frustration out of my peripheral. _

_There it was again…the stabbing pang of guilt. I didn't want to upset him. I hated it. I was beginning to worry that the stress I caused him would give him a damned stroke, or…or a heart attack someday and I couldn't live with myself if that ever happened. But just the same, he was not going to control me like someone else had, or had tried to at least. _

"_Don't give me that crap, Bella," he growled through clenched teeth. That pissed me off even more. _

"_What shit, Edward? Don't _you _tell me what to do!" I spat my words in his direction, and then scowled at the windshield again. _

"_He's dangerous and you know it!" _

"_Edward, he's not going to try and hurt me in front of the kids!" I shot back, still annoyed as hell. _

"_Oh right," he scoffed. I narrowed my eyes to a glare and snapped my head to the left. "I don't think you know what he's capable of, Bella. What's it gonna take, huh? For you to understand that he could…" He shook his head, scowling and exhaling through his nose slowly. _

_I didn't respond, except for maybe a little frustrated growl of my own. I knew he was right…not right in demanding that I listen to him, or even heed his warning for that matter. He was right that Jake was dangerous. How many times did I need to be reminded of this? Still, it was so hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that Jake had tried to hurt me, I mean really hurt me. It was something I couldn't fathom, but yet it was my terrifying reality all the same. I was forming a plan in my head. One that I thought would possibly pacify Edward a little and at least calm him down. Suddenly I felt his warm hand on my thigh and I gasped inaudibly at the feeling it gave me. The feeling it _always_ gave me. _

"_I'm…shit, I'm sorry, baby," he said softly. I turned to look at him and, although he wasn't looking at me as his eyes were focused on the dangerous road ahead, I could see the hurt in them. I was still a little angry, however, and stubbornly held myself together, though at this point it was difficult. _

"_Stop saying you're sorry to me, Edward. I'm tired of hearing it." _

"_You're right. I'm sorry." _

_I huffed. "You did it again." _

"_I know, I'm sorry." _

_And with that, he officially broke the tension. It was maddening how he could do that, but I loved him even more for it. I giggled quietly and looked over at him. He was glancing at me with that godforsaken crooked grin and I couldn't stop the ridiculous smile that spread over my face. _

"_No, I'm sorry," I whispered, "for being such a bitch. I'm just…frustrated. This whole thing is…" I trailed off, shaking my head. His hand left my thigh, but the tingling remained. I felt his fingers gently take purchase under my chin and turn my head toward him again. _

"_First of all, shut your damned mouth." He grinned at me. It went straight to my lady parts. "You're not a bitch. Don't ever call yourself that shit. Secondly, I know this is hard for you, baby, I do. But, I'm just afraid that you don't understand how dangerous he is. He's…" I noticed the muscle in his jaw strain against his cheek as he looked back toward the road. "I know you're a grown woman, and I know you're tough but…" He ran a hand over his beanie, pushing it off, revealing a half matted/half standing mess of hair. After laying the hat on his lap, he ran the same hand through his hair and my breath caught. It was very distracting. He drew in a breath to continue. _

"_If he hurt you again…if anyone hurt you…if something happened…" he sighed, lowering his voice to a whisper. "I don't think I would survive it." My heart stuttered in my chest at the sound of his pain. I reached my hand up and ran it through his hair before resting my palm on his cheek. _

"_Hey," I said, desperately trying to keep my voice steady, "it's okay, I'm…I'll be okay, Edward, I promise." I was stroking his hair repeatedly, willing him to calm by my touch and words. He didn't seem to be. He did seem less tense by my touch alone, but, with his jaw still clenched, he shook his head again. _

"_Don't make me promises you have no control over keeping." _

_I paused a beat before responding. "Well, maybe I can see if Charlie would go with me tonight. Would that make you feel better?" _

_He relaxed his jaw and glanced over at me briefly, skeptically, before nodding once. _

XXXX

"Bella!" Alice called to me again. Her voice was closer. I sighed, a little annoyed by her interrupting my attempts to reach Edward.

"What!" I called out as I dialed Edward's number for the third time in a row. Each time it went to his voicemail, I panicked a little more. His message to me had been quick and to the point, but his tone was rushed…ominous. He didn't sound hurt, but how was I to be sure if I couldn't talk to him? How was I to be sure he hadn't called me, with the last of his strength, before he fucking passed out or something? All I needed was just his voice telling me he was okay..

"Where are you!" she hollered. I could hear her coming down the hallway.

"_Hello, you've reached Doctor Edward Cullen. I apologize for being unable to take your call right now…"_

I sighed in frustration. "I'm in here, Alice!" I yelled back at her before the beeping indicated the end of Edward's professional spiel. "Hey Edward, it's me again," I sighed into the phone just as I noticed Alice rush past the doorway, skidded and backtracked quickly. She perched herself in the doorway with raised eyebrows and opened her mouth to speak, but I held my finger up to stop her. She rolled her eyes and huffed at me, stomping her foot like my five-year-old twins would. "I just…need you to call me back, okay? Please?" I continued. "I'm so worried about you and, well, it's been a while since you called, and I haven't heard from you, and I want to know you're okay. Please tell me it wasn't you that wrecked," I whispered, and then rolled my eyes at myself for rambling. "I'm rambling, I'm sorry. Just, please call me back. I love you…so much."

When I hung up, I looked at Alice. "What?"

"He's not picking up?" she asked staring at the phone. As if she hadn't heard me just leave a fucking message on his phone. Clueless.

"No, Alice, and I'm freaking out here! I don't know where he is, if he's okay or not and…shit!" I whined, running my hands through my hair and fisting it.

"Well, I've been trying to get your attention, Bella!"

"Well, now you've got it, Alice!"

"I think I might know why he's not picking up," she stated. I just stared at her dumbly, while my heart tried to pound itself out of my chest. The look on her face was not helping at all.

"Well? Why!" I screeched.

"Come in here…you need to see this." She turned on her heel and rushed back toward the living room with me tailing her closely.

The TV was on when I entered the living room behind Alice and she pointed at it. I didn't see anything but Halle Berry talking about Revlon lipstick. I threw my hands in the air and glowered at her.

"What the fuck, Alice?"

"Chill. It's just a commercial. The news story coming up is about a bad accident on Lakeshore Drive. They said multiple people were taken to the hospital." She looked at me with wide eyes.

"Oh my God!" I threw my hand over my mouth and sat next to her on the sofa. She snaked her arm over my shoulder and squeezed lightly.

"Calm down, sis. We don't know anything yet."

But as soon as the news came back on, my panic increased ten-fold. All I heard was 'tragic single vehicle accident'… 'Two confirmed dead'… 'Three transported by ambulance to Chicago General.' They couldn't confirm names, but they stated one was a child; one was a member of the Chicago Fire Department, and the last one…a local doctor. I grabbed my keys, threw on my shoes and coat and was heading to the door before Alice had removed her hands from her mouth to see what I was doing.

"Where are you going? Bella!" she yelled.

"I'm going to the hospital, Alice," I retorted, my voice void of all composure. "Did you hear what they said? A local doctor! It's him, Alice, I know it!"

"Well you're not driving in this weather, and you're not going by yourself! Not in your state of mind."

I turned to look at her quickly. She was flitting around like a fairy on crack and my patience was non-existent.

"Shoes, keys, coat, Alice!" I blurted. "You've got exactly thirty seconds and then I'm out of here without you!"

On the way to the hospital, I couldn't keep my leg from bouncing of its own accord. I was sure my lip was soon to be bleeding from all the gnawing I was doing to it, and my mind was a mess. I couldn't fathom anything happening to my Edward. I wouldn't be able to handle it. My thoughts inadvertently turned to Kellan and my emotion threatened to overtake me. Thoughts of Edward's son made me think of my own kids…what they would go through if something happened to me, or even Jake. It was too much for me.

Hell, what Jake and I were putting them through seemed like too much to me as well, but they surprised me a little when we finally sat them down. Charlie had agreed to go with me to my house on Friday evening, and I discussed with him what I wanted to do once we got there. He reluctantly told me it was probably a good idea – I knew it was hard for him to see me giving up, but in light of what he'd found out during the disaster of Thanksgiving, it was even harder for him to see his little girl unhappy. It had to have been almost as devastating to Charlie to find out what Jake had been up to as it had been for me; Charlie had always thought of Jake as the son he never had.

I knew Edward would have been happy to know that Charlie agreed to accompany me, but had he known the events preceding this agreement he would've been, in a word…mortified.

XXXX

_As soon as I got home…well, back to Alice's…from my doctor's appointment, I was eager to call my dad to see if he would go with me to the house to pick up the kids tonight. As fate would have it, my phone rang just as I was about to dial. I realized, once I answered, that if there was a god up there in the vast infinity of the universe, or other dimension, or whatever, that he or she had a sick and fucking twisted sense of humor. _

"_Hey Dad," I greeted cheerfully. "I was just getting ready to call you." _

"_Is that so?" His normal, gruff but friendly, tone was replaced by one of contemptuous authority, and I hesitated a beat before answering._

"_Uh-huh. I was, um, going to see if you could do me a favor this evening." _

"_Well, maybe you could do one for me," he replied blandly. "Maybe you could explain to me why my normally honest and forthright daughter would blatantly lie to me…right to my face, matter of fact." _

"_Oh, you know Alice," I giggled nervously. "Who knows why she does anything." _

"_Not Alice, Bells. And I only have two daughters," he stated pointedly. I began to tremble slightly, unsure of what lie he was referring to, because at this point, there were many. Well, really only one big one, but it broke down into many facets. I was hoping it wasn't the big one – the one where I had committed adultery multiple times – but who knew? _

"_What on earth are you talking about, Charlie?" I asked with less confidence than I was hoping for. Actually, I felt like Scarlet-fucking-O'Hara saying, 'Whatever do you mean?' I was sure I was just as convincing._

"_Don't you 'Charlie' me, Bella Marie! You know I hate that." I did know, and I usually only said it so he'd know he was pissing me off. This time, however, it only served to piss _him_ off more. Not to mention the little detail of him using my middle name. I was obviously in deep shit, which sort of annoyed the hell out of me because I was a grown adult, getting berated for some reason by my father. _

"_Fine. What are you talking about, _Dad_," I retorted sarcastically, albeit a bit shaky. He grunted in response and sighed, almost as if he didn't want to talk about it all of a sudden. "Dad," I said impatiently. "I'm not a mind-reader." _

"_I've been sitting on this for a few days, Bells, trying to make sense of it, but…okay, fine. The car that was in your driveway last weekend, when I stopped by your house…" _

_Oh fuck. Fuckity, fuck and shit! Suddenly the light bulb flicked on in my brain and began to flash with the words…Cop; Patrol car; Radar; License plate; Edward's license plate; Monster in the closet; The jig is up; Fucked; I'm fucked. I pulled the phone away from my ear and groaned, squeezing my eyes shut and praying he didn't say exactly what he said next. _

"_Well, I ran the plates…" I determined in that moment that God was, in fact, a female who was PMSing and looking for someone to fuck with. Apparently that someone was me. Why not? "And this probably won't come as a surprise to you, but they did not belong to anyone named Paul. Matter of fact, it's registered to an Edward M. Cullen. Ring any bells to you, _Bells_?" _

"_Dad…" I started, but was immediately interrupted. _

"_Oh come on, Bells! I thought it was all Jake! I felt sorry for you! I mean, I still want to kill the little prick for hurting you, but jeez, Bella, how could you? With that…that _punk_ who broke your heart all those years ago?" _

"_Dad! I'm not doing this over the phone!" I spat, praying to the vindictive bitch to give me a little confidence. "I'm coming over there right now." _

"_Like hell you are. Not in this weather," he countered with enough authority to completely obliterate any and all confidence I was pretending to have. "I'll be over there ASAP. Don't go anywhere and don't think you're getting out of this, Bella. We _are _going to talk about this." And then my own father hung up on me. _

_Fucking awesome. What the hell was I supposed to say to him? 'Yeah, Dad, I've been screwing Edward's brains out every chance I get because I can't say no to him' was probably a very, very bad idea. Hell hath no fury like a deceived chief of police. He wouldn't shoot his own daughter, would he?_

_I paced around Alice's apartment, nearly wearing a path into her pristine carpet and when she came home soon after, and I told her what was about to go down, she paced along with me. But as soon as he arrived, that Benedict Arnold was rushing out the door like a bat out of hell. _

"_Hi Pop! Bye Pop! Gotta go!" she sing-songed as he stomped through the door wrapped in his red flannel coat. A random picture of a lumberjack flashed in my head and I smirked in spite of myself. The smirk didn't last long as the scowl on his face wiped it from my lips almost instantly. _

_He grumbled something inaudibly in response to the fleeting escape artist, but barked his words to her just as she grabbed the door handle. _

"_And don't think you're off the hook on this one, either, Mary Alice! I know you know _all_ about this!"_

"_What?" she squeaked. "I…I…I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' no babies!" she blurted just before slapping her hand to her mouth with wide eyes. "Toodles!" she spouted quickly before disappearing. _

_What the fuck was that? Now my sister was quoting Gone With the Wind too? That bitch needed to get the hell out of my head. I knew I shouldn't have watched that with her the other night. Jesus, either that, or she desperately needed to put the crack pipe down herself. _Crack is whack, Alice!

"_What the hell was that?" Charlie asked, thumbing toward the door. My thoughts exactly. I shrugged and rolled my eyes, scowling…waiting for the verbal ass-beating I was about to endure. _

"_Your guess is as good as mine, Dad. Maybe we should schedule an intervention for her crack cocaine addiction." _

"_Not funny," he exclaimed, glaring at me. He mumbled something about screwed up kids and then mentioned Renee before running his hands through his hair. At that point, I just shut up, realizing now was not the time to be joking with my fuming father. "So, you gonna fess up to sleeping with that punk bastard now? And while you're at it, you couldn't have told me that you had Jacob arrested the other night?" _

_I swallowed thickly, losing all sureness, and opened my mouth a few times like a fish out of water trying to force oxygen into my lungs. "Um…it's not what you think?" It came out as a question because I was truly hoping it wasn't what he thought. If he thought I was doing…whatever…with Edward simply to get back at Jacob, he was sorely mistaken. _

"_Which part, Bells?" he growled through tight lips. _

"_Well, Jake deserved to go to jail. I thought…he, um…threatened me…my life." My voice trailed off pathetically. My eyes darted to his when I heard the sharp intake of breath he pulled through his nose. _

"_He _what!"

…_and then they darted to his fists, clenching and unclenching repeatedly. _

"_And it's not what you think…about Edward."_

_He scoffed. "Right. Try again, Bells. He was here that day, right? Where was he?"_

"_It doesn't matter," I said quietly, my control slipping. I wasn't prepared for this. Not today. I wasn't prepared to have to defend my relationship with Edward to the one person who would never understand. _

"_After what he did to you? After everything that little weasel put you through? You just run back to him when things get tough? You had him there at your house…what? Hiding him? And the kids were there! And you were barely…" he cringed. "…dressed! Ah, DAMN, Bella! Come on! I thought you had more self-respect than THAT!" He was yelling now, irate, red-faced, and his words hit me like shrapnel. _

_Through his ranting, I found myself surprisingly angry, and getting angrier by the second. "I DO! I have enough self-respect to leave Jacob, Dad! To…to stop putting up with his abuse! I didn't lose my self-respect because of Edward; your precious Jacob helped with that more than ANYONE! You have no idea what he's put me through and trust me, Dad, you don't want to." _

_He just stared at me dumbly for a moment. My chest was heaving and my body was trembling as I stared back at him, determined to get through to him. _

"_But, Bells, Edward put you through hell. I know. I was there." His voice was a little quieter now, sad. "All those months you just…you just disconnected from your life." _

"_No." I shook my head. "I put myself through hell, not Edward. I did that to myself. I should've listened to him…not shut him out like I did. I should have told him about the…the baby. He deserved to know. I know that now." I thought I had him for a moment. Just for a moment, I saw a flicker of something, but in a flash it was gone and the anger was back. _

"_Sure, Bells, and then he would've hurt you again! And you would've been all alone with a kid! You think he would've wanted to take care of a kid? NO! He's going to break your heart again and this time, there's too much at stake for you to LOSE it again!"_

"_You don't know ANYTHING about him!" I shouted. _

"_I know his type!" he snapped back at me. "Spoiled little rich brat who's gotten everything he wanted, including you! And when he got what he wanted from you, he moved on to your own cousin!"_

"_That's bullshit!" I yelled. "All of it!"_

"_Oh, please. Don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining, Bella!" He scowled at me with his arms crossed. I scowled back and crossed my own arms, mimicking him. Like father, like daughter, apparently. _

"_Oh, _okay_, Judge Judy," I deadpanned. "So, now you're a cop and a judge? Thinking you know everything about everyone? You don't even know him; he worked REALLY hard to get where he is, and you obviously don't know me very well either, do you?" _

_He growled through his clenched teeth. "I thought I did know you, Bells, but I guess not. Besides, I like that old lady. She can spot a liar and a cheat from a mile away." _

_I gasped, taken aback by the contempt rolling off of him. I wasn't sure just which one of us he was awarding the titles of 'liar' and 'cheat' to, Edward or me, but the glare currently burning a hole through my head spoke volumes. It was at that moment that I decided not to spare him all the dirty details about his 'precious' Jacob Black. I did spare him the details of Jake's attempt at forcing himself on me. I had enough compassion for the father of my children to _not_ want him to die a horrible death at the hands of my insensitive, stone-cold, cop father. I did, however, inform him of Jake's involvement in setting Edward up the night he cheated on me forever ago. I told how he'd put his hand on me more times than he really wanted to know about, the belittling that Charlie never seemed to notice, and I told him about the twins' teacher at school. I told him about the strippers. Hell, I even told him about my drunken, tequila-hazed smooch. He actually smirked when I told him that, to which I glared daggers, and I proceeded to tell him how his precious son-in-law was having me followed around town by a cop like I was some damned criminal. Was I a criminal? Shit. That wiped the smirk right off his face and he clenched his teeth hard enough for me to see his jaw muscles from across the room. _

"_That little son-of-a-bitch," he mumbled, running his hands through his graying hair, and then looked at the ceiling and mumbled again, "Sorry, Sue." _

_On the contrary, I told him how Edward had helped me the night I hurt my hand. (Of course, I left out the part about my speaking with Edward and Jake nearly killing Mike…oh, and Jake and Edward nearly brawling. He still thought I hurt my hand dancing. If I needed to be a little deceitful to get my dad's mind off hating Edward, so be it. Jake's antics over the years were chock full of enough deceit for the fucking both of us.) How he'd taken care of me. I told him about that fuck-stick, James, and how Edward had saved me/protected me from him. I tried to get him to see Edward for the grown-up, compassionate, protective man he was today as opposed to the confused, screw-up of a kid he was back then. I felt like I was walking on a balance beam, the guilt I felt for lying and for cheating pulling on one arm, and the intense, unwavering love I felt for Edward pulling on the other. _

"_Wait a minute," he said at one point. "Somebody _attacked_ you at the hospital? Damn it, Bella, why didn't you tell me about this?" He started to rant some more, but I held my hand up to stop him. _

"_Dad, I took care of it. Well, actually Edward took care of it." He raised his eyebrows in anticipation, albeit skeptically. "He beat the shit out of him and then made me go to the police station…to file a restraining order." _

"_Well, I'll be damned." His eyebrows shot up exceptionally higher and he 'humphed' under his breath. "Not bad. Good for him." _

_I smiled a little. That was the first step in removing the Edward haterade from Charlie's hand. "He really is a good guy, Dad, and a great friend." I said hopefully. Until…_

"_So, you're not sleeping with him?" he asked, narrowing his eyes again. Fuck. Really? I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. I did that a few more times – opening and closing it, looking like a fish out of water again. I didn't want to sugar-coat anything anymore for my dad, but did I really want to confirm _that_ particular suspicion. I thought not. _

"_Um…"_

"_Ah, da-da-da," he said with a cringe, putting his forefingers in his ears. "Never mind, I don't want to know. Have the twins…I mean, do _they_ know you're…_friends_ with him?" He cringed again. What the hell did he think I was going to say? That I invited him over for a booty call when the kids were home? Jesus Christ. _

"_No, Dad," I started, noticing his shoulders relax a little. But then I had to go and decide not to sugar coat shit again and be all honest and shit with him. "But, we've made a play-date with the kids…his little boy, Kellan, and the twins on Sunday." His mouth dropped open and, for once through this whole argument, he looked speechless. I braced myself for the return of the verbal ass-beating, but was met with silence. Excruciating silence for what felt like hours. Finally, Charlie cleared his throat. _

"_So, you've left Jake for good?" _

_I nodded. "Started the divorce papers this week," I responded weakly, again anticipating a shit-storm of protests coming from my dad, yet there was none. Only more excruciating silence. Finally, he cleared his throat again. _

"_Does Jacob know you've left him for good?" _

"_I'm getting to that, Dad." _

"_Well, I can't say that I'm happy about any of this. And I can't say that I agree with…how you've handled…things. But, you were right to leave that no-good…" he sighed. "You were right to leave Jake and I'm proud of you for that. I guess I can try not to hate that weasel…uh, Edward as much as I have, but I'll tell you right now, Bella Marie Swan. If he so much as breathes on you wrong…if he looks at you cross-eyed…if he hurts you again, or hurts my grandkids, I swear on my life, I will…"_

"_Yeah, yeah, Dad, I got it!" I squeaked. I could barely talk. I was damn-near giddy. Like he'd just told me he bought me a pony, or something. Although, I'd never wanted a pony, never asked for a pony, so why would I be giddy about a pony. Whatever. I was so fucking happy that he no longer wanted to cut Edward's balls off with a rusty hack-saw that I skipped over to him and threw my arms around him. After an awkward moment of him patting my back and grunting like an embarrassed caveman, he pulled me off of him, and I told him of my plan to make Jake talk to the kids with me tonight. _

XXXX

"Can't you drive any faster, Alice?" I whined. My leg-bouncing had exceeded to a super-sonic level.

"Bella, breathe. We're almost there." She shook her head at me. "I can't drive any faster unless you want me to wreck too." I sighed and nodded, looking at her apologetically. "So, how'd it go with Pop yesterday?" she asked with a slight giggle. I turned and glared at her.

"Seriously, Alice? Edward could be dead and you're asking me how it went with Dad?" I huffed. "PS…thanks for all your help there, _Prissy_. Dad thinks you're on crack, by the way."

"What? Oh stop it, Bella! He is not dead! And I had to go…I had a…fashion emergency."

"Blah, blah, blah, fashion emergency, blah. Whatever, Alice. It went fine without you, but if he would've killed me with his police gun, you would've felt bad."

She shook her head and chuckled quietly as we pulled into the hospital parking lot.

After Alice kept me from nearly falling on my ass about fourteen times while cursing at me to hurry the hell up, I barely convinced (but not really convinced – I think she was probably just exhausted) the very butch, very burly-looking nurse at the front desk that I was Edward's sister so she'd let me back to see him in Emergency. I bolted down the hallway, checking each room frantically until I found him.

There he was, sitting on the end of the bed. He looked a little banged up, but very much alive. His hands, which were swathed in gauze, cradled his head. His right pant-leg was rolled up to the knee, and his leg was also bandaged and wrapped in thick gauze. The sight of blood stains on the rolled-up section of his jeans made my heart race, and my eyes scanned the rest of him quickly. He was glorious. And he was okay! At least, he looked okay… His feet seemed fine, still secured in the black Adidas he wore. A thick blanket was draped over his shoulders, but what I could see of his upper body seemed…perfect, strong and whole under his black button-down shirt. The muscles in his forearms seemed tense, though, exposed under sleeves that had been rolled up to his elbows…but he was _alive._

I let out the breath I was holding in a loud whoosh, and his head snapped up. Turbulent, conflicted, sea-green eyes met mine, and it forced the breath I'd just drawn in right back out of me.

"Bella," he whispered.

"Oh, Jesus, Edward!" I ran toward him, wanting to launch myself into his arms and wrap all my limbs around him, but I stopped short, just in front of his bent knees…afraid to touch him. "Are you okay?" In an instant, he reached out and circled his arms around my waist, pulling me forcefully between his thighs and holding my body tightly to his. His forehead fell to my shoulder, and my arms instinctively wrapped around his back. The fingers of my right hand, having been neglected for so long, found themselves running lightly through the back of his hair at the nape of his neck. All I could hear was his deep breathing; his head was rolling from side to side on my shoulder.

"You're here," he mumbled distantly. I began to get even more worried that he wasn't directly answering me. He seemed in a daze of sorts.

"Yes, I'm here, baby," I whispered. "I was so worried about you. Are you hurt? I mean, I see your hands and your leg, but…" I sighed. "Please just tell me you're okay." I just needed him to say he was okay. "Did _you_ wreck?" I mentally told my rambling ass to shut the hell up and let the man talk. I needed him to talk.

"No," he replied. "They…wrecked right in front of me. I…got h—her out, but…" he trailed off, squeezing me a little tighter. "They're…gone. Just…gone." His voice was raspy, thick with emotion, and he still seemed far away. I needed him to come back to me. I moved my hands to his jaw, pulling his head up gently to make him look at me again. He cringed a little and let out a soft groan, squinting his eyes against the bright light of the sterile room.

"Edward, what is it? Who's…who's gone? You're scaring me, baby, talk to me," I pleaded.

Finally his eyes focused on mine, searching, and I felt him take hold of my soul again. "Sorry, I just…my head hurts a little…" I removed my hands from his face immediately, afraid I was hurting him, but he grabbed them in his and shook his head. "I was knocked to the ground by a firefighter after the explosion, and…well, I guess I hit my head and blacked out."

_Jesus, explosion? What the fuck? He blacked out? _

"Oh my God!" I gasped as one of my hands flew to my mouth.

"I'm okay, baby, please don't worry about me. It's just bumps and bruises…and a cut leg from the car window," he continued quickly, his eyes pleading. My eyes cut to his hands, then to his leg, and he must have noticed because he began to explain. He told me everything, from seeing the car lose control to watching it flip repeatedly and land upside down. It had to have been horrifying to witness that and my heart ached for him. I wasn't sure what to say, so I just listened, and then he suddenly began to ramble, his tone taking a frenzied turn.

"I got her out…the little girl…her name is—is Kendyll, and she's so beautiful, Bella, I can't…I can't explain it. I, I saw her at the pier the other morning, she was with her parents…and they were all _alive_, they were alive and okay, but I couldn't get to them…I c—couldn't get…the door, it wouldn't open and, I tried. I fucking tried so hard to get to them, and then I heard her crying, so I got her out…and I took care of her, but there was…there was smoke, and—and gas, and then I was in the ambulance with her, trying to talk to her, keep her conscious, you know?" He looked at me, an almost panicked, faraway glint in his eyes, and I just nodded, trying to keep up, trying to swallow the lump in my throat. "And then…and then they were yelling… I tried to run to help them, but the car was on fucking fire, and…and the fireman, he was running toward me. He hit me just as…" He cringed and held me tighter to him. "The fucking car exploded, Bella. It exploded and they didn't get out…they didn't get out. Kendyll…that poor little girl has no parents because they're dead…they're dead and she's an orphan. Oh _Jesus_, we…we couldn't get to them, and I don't even know if she's okay!" He looked at me suddenly, his eyes swimming in unshed tears, and it broke me.

"Shh, it's okay, I'm here," I whispered, stroking his cheeks with my thumbs. He just looked at me, anguish in his eyes, and shook his head.

"No one could get to them, and they're…gone. What's she gonna do? I tried…we all tried…so fucking hard!"

"Oh, baby, I'm so sorry," I choked out my words, my own emotion taking over as tears spilled onto my cheeks. I didn't know what else to say or do, so I just held him. I held him tightly, still afraid I was going to hurt him, but he nearly squeezed the life out of me, burying his face in my neck and just breathing. We stayed that way for several minutes until I heard a throat clear behind me and turned my head to see Carlisle standing there, a pained look on his face. A part of me wanted to jump back, to untangle myself from Edward's grasp, but the majority of me wouldn't allow it. So, I just stared at him. I was sure there was a bit of panic on my own face, but he finally smiled sadly and nodded.

"Edward?" he asked cautiously. "How are you feeling, son?"

Edward snapped his head up and narrowed his eyes in Carlisle's direction. I swear I felt a tremor run through his body and a snarl under his breath that almost frightened me. "How is she? Is she okay?" he demanded, ignoring his father's concern for him.

Carlisle sighed and looked at me almost apologetically. I was perplexed. "She's stable right now…" he began, but was cut off abruptly by Edward.

"Right now? What do you mean _right now_, Carlisle? I'm asking you if she's going to be okay. Is she going to live, Carlisle? She needs to live!" I stroked his hair to try and calm him, watching Carlisle carefully for his reaction and still feeling awkward as hell that Edward wouldn't let go of me in the presence of his father. Carlisle held his hands up.

"Edward, calm down, please. She's going to be okay, but we need to watch her. I set her arm and she has a couple of bruised ribs, bruised sternum from the seat belt, but her lungs are fine. She…lost a lot of blood, so we had to give her a transfusion. She has a very rare blood type, and…" He hesitated and cut his eyes to me, a strange look adorning his face. Edward interrupted him again before he could continue.

"How rare, Carlisle?"

"It doesn't matter now," Carlisle replied quietly.

A brief, but unfavorable memory flashed in my head of my high school biology class…the day we did blood-typing. The only thing I remembered about that day was passing out cold from seeing and smelling the rancid stench of blood on my finger. Luckily, I'd mostly gotten over my severe aversion to blood – childbirth and being the mother of rambunctious, accident prone twins, as well as my own ability to cut and bruise myself daily helped – but the thought still made me shudder. I shook it off quickly.

"What do you mean it doesn't matter, Carlisle? I have a rare blood type too! If I'm a match, I can help! I can…donate. Do you need me to donate?" He made a move to get up and both Carlisle and I put our hands up to stop him. In my mind, he was in no shape to be doing anything. Carlisle shook his head.

"I mean, we had plenty. It's fine. She's fine, son."

"Well, can I, I mean, is she…can I see her?" He seemed almost desperate to see this little girl, but I understood. He had saved her life, after all. Of course he would want to see for himself that she was okay.

"Edward, she's resting. I think it would be best to let her continue to do so for the night. And you need to rest as well. I'm…" He hesitated again. His expression changed to one of what seemed like remorse or shame even as his eyes shifted from Edward, to me, and back to Edward. Again, I was confused. Maybe it had something to do with my doctor's appointment? I wasn't sure, but I felt the heat creep up my neck and explode onto my face just the same. "I'm very proud of you for doing what you did."

"I'm fine, Carlisle." Edward's tone changed again, cantankerous this time. There was no hiding the fact that he was still quite irritated with his father. "And anyone would've done what I did. No need to be _proud_ of me. I'm sure you'll change your mind once you've slept on it."

Instead of responding to Edward's last statement, Carlisle simply shook his head and turned his attention to me, placing his hand gingerly on my shoulder. I gasped a little when I turned to look at him, seeing more concern than I ever had in his eyes.

"Isa…I mean, Bella…" He smiled sheepishly but warmly. "I just wanted to tell you that I'm glad you're here. Thank you for being here for Edward. He needs you." My mouth fell open, but I couldn't seem to make a sound. "And I want you to know that if there's anything I can do for you…anything at all, please let me know." I still couldn't get myself to speak. I chanced a glance at Edward, hoping for some silent explanation, but only found that his expression mirrored mine…stunned…mouth agape. An awkward silence ensued, until Carlisle cleared his throat. "Anyway, I just wanted to make sure you knew that."

I nodded dumbly. Still not a peep from Edward. My breath caught in my throat when Carlisle slid his hand from my shoulder to my cheek and cupped it gently.

"You're a good person, Isabella," he murmured. "You deserve good things." Then he leaned down, whispering in my ear. "And he's good. He loves you desperately." What he said seemed to be for my ears only, and I couldn't believe them. Tears welled up in my eyes almost instantly and I nearly choked on the lump that was threatening to close my throat completely. He dropped his hand and smiled before turning to Edward. "Well, I better go call your mother back. I told her you were fine, but you know she wants a minute-by-minute report. I, uh, I'll call Rose back as well."

"Uh, th—thanks, Dad," Edward muttered as Carlisle turned to leave. "Oh hey, tell _her_ to tell my boy I'll see him in the morning." Carlisle waved as he exited the room.

Edward pulled me back to him tightly. "Baby, what did he say to you?" His expression was curious, but concerned. I still couldn't speak, but looking into the brightened emeralds staring back at me, the tears forced their way out of my eyes and splashed onto my cheeks.

"He said…h—he said you loved me," I managed finally. Edward cradled my jaw with both hands, swiping my stray tears away with his thumbs, and leaned in to press his lips to mine. My body became electric, a slow humming in my veins as he broke the kiss and rested his forehead on mine.

"For once he's right. God, he's so right," he whispered.

"Listen, about tomorrow," I started. "I know…I know you've been hurt and you might not feel like…you know…the kids…I mean, I would totally understand if you didn't…"

"Bella."

"Hmm?"

"Shut that beautiful mouth of yours." He grinned, the charming crooked one, and it was the first sign of life I'd see from him since I walked in the room. "Of course I want to be with you tomorrow, and I want to meet the twins…officially. I want Kellan to meet you. Don't be silly."

I blew out my exhale and nodded, pulling him in for another kiss.

XXXX

I pulled into the parking lot of the snow-covered park Edward and I decided to meet at. The weather was a bit warmer today…if you could call it warm…a balmy thirty-five degrees. At least it was above freezing. When I told the kids they were going to meet a new friend and asked them what they wanted to do, they nearly blew my eardrums out with, "We want to play in the SNOW, Mommy!" This was followed up by Krissy's very off-key rendition of "Let It Snow" including her discombobulated lyrics of _'Oh the weather outside is fight-ful…and the snow is so despite-ful…'. _And then, of course, I had to scold Robby for telling her to shut up and calling her a _jerk-head._ I seriously wanted to punch whoever had said this was the most wonderful time of the year.

Edward laughed when I told him, and said that Kellan would totally be good with that. Apparently, he'd been bugging his dad to have a 'snow-ball fight of epicness proportions.' He assured me, however, that he had convinced Kellan to save that particular activity for when he was hanging out with his uncle Emmett.

"Hey, Mommy, that car looks just like the one that was at our house that day. Remember? When Grandpa brought us—"

"Oh no," I interrupted quickly, shaking my head. Damn observant kid of mine. "It looks a little like it, but definitely not the same car. That's my friend's car." I continued nonchalantly.

"Whatever," Robby blurted, crossing his little arms over his chest. "Looks the same to me."

"Been spending a little too much time with your father," I grumbled under my breath, inaudibly. I didn't like the attitude influence Jacob was having on our son.

"Is that your boyfriend?" Krissy piped up out of the blue. I noticed in the rearview that she was pointing at the insanely gorgeous man in the silver Volvo we parked next to.

"_What?"_ I spat, turning around to face her. Her face was indifferent…angelic…huge brown eyes looking at me with curiosity. She shrugged.

"Daddy said you have a _boyfriend. _A boyfriend, boyfriend, BOYFRIEND!" She yelled out her chant, giggling.

"Krissy…" I sighed. "This friend of mine is a boy…but he is _not_ my boyfriend." Oh, Jacob was going to get a piece of my mind for that shit. How dare he tell them anything like that! I hadn't mentioned jack shit about what all he'd been up to…or the fact that little "Boo-boo" happened to be their half-brother. That son-of-a-bitch had an earful coming his way. The irritation in my tone seemed to have no effect, per the usual, on my mouthy daughter as she began to sing.

"Mommy and her boyfriend…sitting in a tree…"

"Kristen!" I barked, abruptly ending her song. "That's quite enough!"

"Yeah! Shut up, _stupid face!"_ Robby added.

"Robert William!" I chided. "We do not say 'shut up' and you'd better stop calling your sister names, or we're leaving immediately! Do you understand me?"

He pushed his bottom lip out into a pout and stared at me for a minute as I stared back. "Okay, Mommy," he finally conceded, grumbling.

I noticed Edward and Kellan had gotten out of the car and were waiting for us just inside the park. My heart thumped in my chest as the twins and I made our way over to them. The last time I'd seen Kellan, he was so little and now he was…well, he was so tall. He was standing next to his father and, as we approached, I got a better look at him. He wore a beanie hat, just like his dad, tufts of hair peeking out from under it – only slightly lighter than Edward's bronze. He was bundled up as well as my two, only his thick snow suit was less juvenile than Robby's bright blue and red (Spider Man colors, of course) and Krissy's pink and purple, with what I could only assume were "skater" logos. _Yeah, I'm a genius…the images of skate-boarders all over his jacket didn't give it away or anything. _

Butterflies fluttered furiously in my stomach as toffee colored eyes, with little flecks of green looked up at me curiously. Edward visibly stiffened as he saw the twins and I approach, but then his shoulders seemed to relax some as his eyes met mine and his lips lifted into that magnificent crooked grin.

"Who's that?" Krissy asked a little too loudly, her index finger extended, pointing at the man in front of us. Robby instinctively…almost protectively…grabbed my hand and squeezed it slightly.

"That's my friend and his son," I responded quickly just as we walked up to them. I was unable to tear my eyes away from Edward's hypnotic gaze. It soothed me. The crunching of the snow beneath our boots came to an abrupt halt as we finally stood awkwardly in front of them. Before we even had a chance to make introductions, Krissy walked right up to Kellan and tilted her head back, looking up to him with curious but confident brown eyes.

"Hello, boy," she started. "I'm Kristen Renee Black, but you can call me Krissy. This is my brother; his name is Robby Will-e-um Black. We're twins. Oh, this is my mommy, her name is Izzy-Bella Marie Black, but everyone calls her Bella, I think. Right, Mommy?" She looked up at me and I nodded, glancing at Edward, who I could tell was trying to hold back a chuckle at Krissy's motor-mouth. "What's your name, little boy?"

Kellan looked at her for a moment as if she was an alien from another planet, then he looked up at Edward, no doubt wondering if he should attempt to speak to this strange creature who looked like a little girl. His dad nodded with a warm smile and Kellan looked back at her.

"I'm Kellan," he replied simply but assertively, straightening his stance, I figured, to look like a big kid. He was at least a head taller than her three and a half feet, but my little mini-Alice was intimidated by no one. Krissy, being unsatisfied with the simplicity of his answer, put her little mittened hands on her hips and sighed.

"Kellan what?"

"Kellan Cullen," he answered. Krissy giggled a little and then looked at me. I eyed her warily, wondering what was so funny…until she spoke again.

"Why is your one name the same as your other name, Kellan _Kellan?"_ she asked with another giggle.

"Kristen," I groaned, thinking my daughter was already making fun of his name. This was not going to go well at all.

"S'not," Kellan snapped. Edward chuckled under his breath. "It's C-u-l-l-e-n," the little boy continued, obviously annoyed with my irritating spawn.

"Oh," Krissy retorted, unfazed by his tone. "Well, what's you're other name?" Once again, little Kellan just stared at her, nonplussed. My daughter sighed again. "You hafta have another name…you know…in the middle!" She gaped at him momentarily, like he was the biggest idiot in the world and her cryptic, five-year-old language should be understood by all.

"Uh, Kel…" Edward swooped in to the rescue by leaning down closer to his boy's ear. "I think she's wanting to know your middle name."

"Why?" Kellan blurted, furrowing his little brow and looking almost identical to his dad, which made me smile like an idiot.

"I don't know," Edward chuckled quietly. "Just curious? Maybe she likes you."

"Ew, Dad!" He looked at Krissy with a scrunched up nose, then shook his head. "Girls are so weird."

"Kellan Anthony Cullen!" Edward chided. I covered my mouth with my palm to stifle my own giggles.

"Oh yeah? Well, _you're_ weird, Kellan-Kellan _Anthony!_ And you got a big head!" Krissy taunted, hand still on her hips.

"Okay, that's enough, young lady." I spun Krissy around by her hand and leaned down to her. "We do not speak that way to our friends, especially ones we just met. Now, you be nice."

"But…he said…he said girls was weird, and…" she whined, her voice flying up a couple decibel levels.

"I . Said. Be. Nice. And you apologize to Kellan…right now."

Krissy pouted and grumbled a little bit before finally turning around to face the boy she had insulted. Placing her hands behind her back, she shuffled her boot-clad feet in the snow before looking at him with sad, melodramatic brown eyes. I rolled mine because, oh, she was good.

"I'm sorry, Kellan." Her sweet voice swirled in the air. "We're friends and you're head isn't _that_ big."

Edward nudged his son and gave him a stern look. Kellan shrugged his shoulders with a sigh.

"S'okay," he said simply before turning his attention to Robby, who had been mute through the whole exchange. "Hey, s'up?" He lifted his chin in acknowledgment of my son, and it was only then I noticed that his glove-covered hand was still tightly clenched in mine. As if he was also realizing this fact, he wriggled his hand out of mine quickly and dropped it to his side.

"Hey," Robby replied, obviously unsure of what to make of this older boy.

"You like skateboarding?" Kellan asked. Robby shrugged. "You ever ride one?"

"Mm-mm." Robby shook his head. "You know any karate moves?" he countered. Kellan looked at Edward quickly, who had quirked an eyebrow at his son.

"No, but my dad knows a lot of Kung-Fu stuff."

Robby gasped and looked up at Edward like he was a god among men. I could relate. "He does?" he said, his voice full of awe.

"Yup," Kellan replied, popping the 'P.' Edward squatted down to my son's level with a cocky grin on his face. I rolled my eyes but couldn't help the stupid grin that spread across mine.

"Hi Robby." He stuck his huge hand out to Robby. Robby took it, still wide-eyed. "You got a good grip there, little man. Do you know what Jiu-Jitsu is?" Robby nodded quickly. Edward smirked. "Well, I'm pretty good at it. Maybe I can show you some moves sometime?"

"Yeah!" Robby blurted finally after staring at Edward like he was a celebrity. Then he shifted his dazzled gaze up to me. "Mom! He knows karate stuff…like Kung-Fu!"

"Yes, I know, baby." I smiled at him.

"Awesome!" he whispered.

Kellan was looking a little morose by the connection between Edward and Robby, so I smiled and nudged Edward's son gently as a thought popped into my head.

"Hey Kellan, you've gotten so big. It's been a very long time since I saw you last. I'm Bella." _And I'm your idiot mom's cousin…oh, and I'm madly in love with your dad. That cool? Too much? I think so._ He nodded at me and smiled shyly. But the expression on his face suddenly changed and he said my name out loud before looking at his dad and then back at me. I glanced at Edward, whose expression was unreadable, but slightly tense. I shrugged it off and addressed Kellan again.

"Uh-huh. So, you like skater stuff, huh?"

He nodded. "Yeah, I'm like super awesome at it. If it wasn't so snowy, I'd probably have my board out here. I could totally jump that rail over there." He pointed to a set of shallow stairs with a handrail attached.

"I think not," Edward grumbled under his breath, catching a menacing glare from his boy.

"Wow," I said. "Hey, do you know what one of my favorite shows is?" He shook his head. "Rob and Big. Do you ever watch that?" His eyes widened and I mentally patted myself on the back.

"Dude, Rob Dyrdek is _so_ cool! That show is sick!"

I laughed and nodded my head. "I know, totally! I watch it all the time. Maybe you could show me how to ride a skateboard sometime when it gets warmer." I instantly knew I was going to regret that lovely idea. Visions of hospital ER's and more casts entered my mind, but Kellan was beaming, so I shoved those horrifying thoughts aside.

"Yeah, for sure!" He grinned at me before turning to Robby. "Dude, let's go make a skater snowman."

Robby trailed after him. "Okay, and then we can make a karate snowman!"

Edward and I laughed as we watched our boys get to work in the snow. I gasped when I felt his warm breath in my ear and heated tingles spread throughout my frozen body. I didn't even have to look at him to know he was sporting a cocky smirk on his flawless face.

"You…on a skateboard. I would pay good money to see that," he murmured. I turned to him and our lips were inches apart. He licked his lips, his eyes focused on my waiting mouth, but we both grimaced, knowing that any form of kissing was completely out of the question today. Instead of diving into him like I wanted to, I smirked myself and pressed my palms together as if in prayer.

"And I can't wait to see your mad karate skills, Kung-Fu master," I said and I bowed to him, mockingly. He responded by wrapping his arm around my shoulders and nuzzling my ear with his nose. I shivered , but definitely not from the cold.

"It's Jiu-Jitsu, grasshoppah, not karate."

And I was rendered speechless. I lost my breath for a moment. For a moment, I was lost in him, his scent, his presence. All around me, the air was suddenly thickened in the sweetest way. Well, up until a little somebody tugged at my coat and I realized that Krissy was still standing next to me, taking in the scene between Edward and me. I stiffened. Edward stiffened, and I looked down into my daughter's curious eyes, hoping like hell she didn't ask what that little display was all about.

_Fucking moron, _I berated myself. _Get yourself together!_

"Mommy," she said as quietly as she knew how…which wasn't really quiet at all.

"What, baby?" I bent down to her. She reached her arms up to me and I smiled, scooping her up – a little awkward with our thick coats, but I missed being able to hold my babies because of that stupid-ass cast I sported for weeks.

"His name is Edward?" she asked, her voice a loud whisper in my ear.

"Yes it is," I replied. "Did you want to say hi to my friend Edward?" I would soon regret that I offered such interaction between my daughter and the man I loved.

"Hello, Edwarrrrrrrd," she drawled. Edward chuckled before responding with an amused "Hello, Krissy." She stared at him for a couple minutes, inquisitive…almost studying him, and then suddenly her eyes widened and her mouth formed a little 'O.' I looked at her miffed for a moment, until a memory hit me like a sledge hammer.

Oh…shit.

"_Who's Edward?"Krissy had asked after hearing me screaming that I loved Edward, thanks to my manipulative sister from hell, who quickly tried to cover for me._

"_Oh, Edward is just a character in a movie…" Alice had responded._

"_Can I watch it? I want to love Edward too!" _

"Edwarrrrrrd?"she addressed him, her tone raising in excitement. "Are you in the movies?"

"Uh…um…" he stammered, cutting his eyes to me quickly in question. I was struck stupid, just staring at him like an idiot until I giggled nervously. Yep, that was about all I could do at the moment. All of a sudden Krissy squealed, making us both jump.

"My mommy _loooooooooves _you! Can I watch your movie? Mommy and Auntie Alice said I couldn't, but I still want to. Hey, you got hairs on your face. Can I touch your face? Hey Edwarrrrrrrd, did you know I'm gonna be a princess when I grow up? Just like Ariel on The Little Mermaid! Have you seen that movie? It's my favorite! Do you know Ariel and Prince Eric? I'm gonna marry a prince too!"

Edward was still stammering, looking from her to me and back to her, clearly in uncharted territory and unable to keep up. It was adorable. He needed a good rescuing…even though I wanted to give him a good…something else.

"Krissy, honey, why don't you go and play with the boys for a while? They're making a snowman!" She had the attention span of a gnat, so she agreed whole-heartedly, still motor-mouthing as I sat her down.

"Okay! Bye Edwarrrrrrrrrd! Hey you guys!" she called out as she ran toward the boys. "Let's make a princess snowman-girl!"

"Uh, bye Princess Krissy!" Edward called to her under his laughter. Then he turned to me and smirked, quirking an eyebrow. "You mind telling me how I've become a movie star all of a sudden…who you apparently _love? _Who is this other Edward, actor? I will destroy him."

I groaned in response. "It's a long story…"

"I'm sure I can keep up," he countered. I groaned again and he leaned into me. "Stop doing that. You're wearing entirely too many clothes to be making those noises in my presence." I whimpered that time, right before he surreptitiously reached behind me and squeezed one of my ass cheeks. I jumped and pointed a gloved finger at him with a sly smile.

"You're gonna need to stop _that_, Mister! Or else our kids will be getting a show neither one of us are prepared to explain."

"Promise?"

"You're incorrigible!" I swatted at him as he reached for me again, playfully.

"When it comes to you, baby, I'm insatiable," he whispered, all playfulness replaced by the crackling electric current between us.

"Me too," I breathed, getting lost in his tempting, burning emerald gaze. He limped a little as he stepped toward me and the night before flashed back to me in an instant. "Oh God, your leg. How are you feeling?"

"I'm good," he nodded.

"How's…the little girl doing? Is she…did you get to see her?"

"Kendyll?" His eyes lit up. "No, not yet, but Carlisle tells me she's doing much better. She was even asking for me this morning." He smiled. "Although, Carlisle wouldn't answer all my questions. He's being very elusive about her condition which annoys the shit out of me. Like I couldn't handle it or something. Pisses me off. I'm a doctor for Christ's sake…I've seen pretty much everything. I dunno. He thinks I'm gonna crack up from too much stress or something." He was rambling and clenching his teeth as he spoke of his dad. I wanted to wrap my arms around him. I wanted to ask him what Carlisle had said to make him so angry…still angry. I wondered if it had something to do with me, but I was afraid to ask anything. Afraid to burst this little bubble we had going today. It was nice to see him happy and smiling for once. "I'm going to see her later today, though. Man, Bella, I wish you could come with me and meet her. She's amazing, I'm telling you. It's like I want to…to protect her from the world now. It's weird, I mean, I don't even know her, you know?"

"Yeah," I nodded, realizing he had saved her life and obviously they would have that connection now. I verbalized that to him, and he nodded in response, but I could tell there was something more in his eyes. "But, does she…I mean, does she know about…about her parents?" I cringed. It was horrifying just to think about that. His face fell into a painful frown and I felt like a jerk and a half for even asking.

He shook his head. "Not yet. Because she's been asking for me, Carlisle thinks I should be the one to tell her…like she'll take it better coming from me, but I just…I just don't know…" He trailed off, lost in his thoughts until he blinked them away and looked back at me again. "Anyway, maybe you can meet her sometime soon. I really want you to, baby."

"Of course," I nodded, wanting to reach out and caress his face, kiss his sad eyes and make him smile.

"So, you don't have to tell me or anything, but I was just wondering how it went with, you know, you and Captain Douche telling the kids about…" He raised his eyebrows, obviously unsure of how to word it. I looked away from him over to where the kids were playing harmoniously and let out a breath.

"Surprisingly good. Charlie was there, though, so Jake was on his best behavior. Although, my daughter informed me today that he informed _them_ I have a boyfriend. Can you believe that?" I looked at Edward and noticed his jaw muscles clench and unclench. Anger rolled off of him.

"What an asshole," he muttered.

"Yeah. The twins seemed a little confused at first, and asked if we were still going to live in the same house, among other things, but I answered them as honestly as I could. They held their little hands together and nodded and stuff. I mean, it breaks my heart for them. It…kills me, but they seem okay. They didn't cry, but they looked so sad. Is it bad for me to want to just distract them for a while? I mean, I don't really know what I'm doing here."

He reached his hand out and ran it down my arm lovingly. "You're doing good, baby. They seem okay to me. Besides, there's nothing wrong with meeting new…friends."

"Yeah," I smiled tightly. What I didn't tell him was how nasty Jake had been to me when Charlie and I went to leave with the kids. He pulled me aside and snarled in my ear that I _would_ be coming home to him. How Edward would never have me. I gave him some venom right back, saying that yeah, I'd be back there, but only with the kids. The house was where they belonged and he needed to be man enough to leave. He laughed. In my face, he laughed and said that would never happen. 'This is my goddamned house,' he'd growled, 'And if you're in it and they're in it…so am I.' I knew what I had to do then. I would request the PFA order and that son-of-a-bitch wouldn't have a choice.

"Mommy!" Krissy tore me from my thoughts as she ran up to me, tears pooled in her big brown eyes. My heart stuttered. The plague of a mother, fearing that something had happened to Robby, my eyes darted to where I'd seen them playing. He was there, standing with Kellan; both of them staring at me.

"What's the matter, Krissy?"

"Those boys are being _mean_ to me!" she wailed, pointing to them. "They won't let me make a princess snowman-girl, and they said I'm a weirdo and _no girls allowed!"_

I sighed and looked at Edward. His mouth was in a hard line and he grumbled under his breath.

"I'm about to teach that boy of mine a lesson in manners."

"No, Edward, really, it's okay. Krissy, you stay right here." I shot Robby a glare and his eyes widened as I turned to Edward to whisper quietly. "Look, don't get on him. Listen, she's annoying as hell and extremely overbearing, especially to an older kid like Kellan. I'll just make her stay with us." He sighed and glared at his own son before a smile slowly crept across his face.

"Hey Krissy?" He spoke so smoothly, his voice like velvet…irresistible. She peered around me and looked up at him. "I know you're a princess and all, but would you like to be a snow angel?" She paused a beat, looked at me, then looked at him and nodded sadly. "Com'ere." He reached his hand out to her and she took it. The moment I saw that man sit down in the snow with her, my heart swelled to the point of bursting in my chest. I laughed out loud as I watched Edward lie back and begin to move his arms and legs in and out. Krissy squealed in delight and followed his lead. I wanted to cry, I was so happy. Seeing my daughter happy and carefree making snow angels, for the love of God, with the man that could possibly be in her life for a very long time was life-changing for me. I knew, in that moment, I was making the right decision.

Before I realized it, Robby and Kellan had come to each side of me and grabbed my hands. "Come on, Mom!" Robby hollered as they dragged me out into the open area next to Edward and my little girl. The five of us made snow angels as we smiled and laughed and drenched ourselves in the frozen white powder.

Afterward, Edward and I huddled together, watching the kids briefly before we launched into conversations about nothing and everything. We drank each other in through our eyes and tried desperately not to touch each other in ways that could be construed as inappropriate for 'friends.' After what felt like only minutes, I looked back at the kids to take inventory. The two boys were sword fighting with skinny branches, but my daughter was not with them. I scanned the park quickly, but she was nowhere in sight.

Panic.

Sudden and immediate panic set in as my lungs felt like they were going to collapse. Where was she? Where was my baby girl? Edward stopped mid-sentence as I walked away from him and approached Robby quickly.

"Robby, where's your sister?" I asked, somewhat subdued. He shrugged and looked around him.

"She was just right here," he mumbled.

"What?" I shrieked. "Robert! Where is your sister?" He just stared at me, fearful. "WHERE?" I turned back to see Edward rushing toward me. "Oh my God…" I grabbed my chest. "Oh my…KRISSY!" I began to run. "KRISTEN! WHERE ARE YOU?" Edward caught up to me and wrapped his arms around me from behind just as my knees gave out. I turned to him, my voice and my body quaking. "Did you see which way she went?"

"No, baby," he whispered, his voice straining. "But she's here. She has to be."

"Oh God, oh my God. _Kristen_!" I screamed, breaking away from him and running toward some trees in the distance. A sob ripped through my body and exploded through my lips; a wave of nausea had me doubling over. "Krissy! Please, please!" Edward caught up to me quickly.

"Bella, breathe!" He was looking at me with panic on his face. His hands gripped my upper arms possessively, but they were noticeably trembling. "Look at me." His voice cracked slightly through the command, but I did as he asked. "Breathe…slowly…in and out…like this." I took ragged breaths. "Listen to me. She's here, okay. We will find her, but you need to calm the fuck down." I nodded and, just as I looked over his shoulder, I saw my little girl skipping toward us having just appeared from behind a tree. She had a large Santa Claus sucker in her mittened hand and a grin on her face.

"Oh my God!" I screeched as I dropped to my knees like a sack of potatoes. "Thank God!"

Edward turned around and saw her approaching. He marched up to her, scooped her up into his arms and hugged her tightly to his chest. His eyes squeezed shut. "Jesus Christ," he breathed, his hand on the back of her head.

"Edwarrrrrrrd? Why are you praying to Jesus?" she asked. He remained mute, eyes still closed, breathing steadily through his nose. I lost all semblance of composure as I jumped to my feet.

"Kristen Renee! Where have you been?" She snapped her head to me and pulled the sucker from her lips. Her mouth turned down into a sad pout and I felt dizzy. Edward put her down slowly, but kept his hand on her tiny shoulder, his face sober…stoic. I was shaking; my heart was trying to hammer its way out of my chest. I was torn between wanting to hug her and wanting to beat her little ass. Rage and pure unadulterated terror flirted within the walls of my chest. "And where did you get that?" I pointed to the massive red and white blob of candy.

"I was over there." She pointed to the line of trees nearby. "Your friend gave me this. He was nice." She smiled sweetly. I almost fainted. My fr—friend? Who the fuck?

"Who? Who's _friend?_ What …it was a boy…or a man?" I choked out the words.

"He said he was your friend and Daddy's friend. He was a man." She was looking at me as if I was crazy. Oh God, who was this person? "He said he was 'posed to come see me today, so we could play together. He was gonna take me to see Daddy. He said you told him to. Don't you 'member, Mommy?"

Oh God…oh Jesus, somebody had tried to take my baby. I felt sick. I looked at Edward and his eyes were blazing. His brow furrowed so tightly I thought his skin might crack, and his mouth was a hard, straight line.

"Oh my God," I squeaked. My throat felt like it was closing. "Krissy, listen to me. That man was NOT my friend. Do you hear me? He was bad…he was bad." And then, I snapped. I didn't even recognize my own voice and, as I walked toward my daughter, she cowered. "What have we talked about? You don't EVER talk to people you don't KNOW, KRISTEN! Don't you ever, EVER DO THAT TO ME AGAIN, DO YOU HEAR ME? DO YOU UNDERSTAND?"

Edward jumped in front of her and caught me just as I had made my way to her. She was crying, I was crying and the boys were silent. I had absolutely lost my mind. I wanted to find this man, whoever he was, and gut him. Slice him from neck to cock and rip out his insides…but I was taking it out on my little girl. Edward wrapped his arms around me and held me tightly, talking low and steady in my ear.

"Bella, Bella, stop. It's okay; you have to calm down. Please. You're scaring her to death, and you're scaring me. Baby, it's okay. I'm right here. She's right here. She's fine."

I took a deep breath and that was when the tears started. A waterfall that I couldn't turn off to save my life. "I'm so sorry. _I'm so sorry_," I sobbed. Edward held on tighter. "He's still here, Edward, we have to go…we have to go! He t—tried to take her, my baby, he tr— oh my God, I'm so sorry, Krissy, come here, baby." Edward let me go and I knelt down. She walked to me slowly and I gripped her like she was my life raft in the middle of an endless ocean. I picked her up and looked at Edward. He had already waved the boys over and had a protective hand on each of their shoulders. His eyes were fixed on Krissy and me…concerned, angry, resolute. "We need to go," I stated mechanically, numbly. "It's not safe here. We…please." I felt panic rising again, bubbling up to my throat. Edward nodded quickly.

"Okay, let's go." He walked the boys toward the cars and I followed behind him, still holding Krissy tightly to my body. When we reached the cars, I buckled the kids in and scanned the trees once more. A feeling of dread raked over me and threatened to consume me. Edward appeared in front of me and placed his hands just under my ears, cradling my head.

"Follow me to the Starbucks in Lincoln Park…kids need hot cocoa…" He smiled a little before his expression changed to serious, authoritative. "Do _not_ lose me, okay? It's gonna be okay, baby, I promise you." And then he kissed me. It was just a short, peck on the lips, but there was a power behind it that made me believe what he said. He would protect me…and my kids. He wasn't walking away. He was a part of their lives now, no matter that they just met, he wasn't going to let anything, or anyone, hurt us.

I trusted him, but I was still afraid. It was a deep-seeded fear that I just couldn't shake and the minute he let me go and I sat behind the wheel of my car, my insides fell to pieces again.

XXXX

_*Chapter End Notes: Alright, I know I said Open Mic Night was starting in this chapter, but we just didn't get there. It is happening, well starting to happen next chapter, for sure. Guess who was in the park. No brainer? There's a little button I want you to press, down there. See it? *wink* you know what to do. _


	51. Chapter 47, Hurricane

**Forsaken In My Mind's Paste**

**Chapter 47, "Hurricane" ~ 30 Seconds to Mars**

Edward's POV

_***A/N: As usual, sorry for the delay. All I can say is thank you from the bottom of my heart to those sticking around and spreading the word. I keep getting those story alerts and they make me smile like an idiot.**_

_**THEsnapcrakklepop and fmneff are the most amazeballs betas. That is all. Also, I'm super stoked to have an old friend back as a pre-reader. Thank you, Love Of Escapism! **_

_***I do not own Twilight, the characters or the songs. They all own me, however, as does the fuckery you read below. The fuckery below actually is mine. Now, let's read! Oh, yes, the ever crude, but lovable Emmett is back and all the man-banter, so no offense intended, it's all in fun.**_

_***Song links: Hurricane, www . youtube . com /watch?v=mdJDPepGOAM / I Wanna (Sex You Up), www . youtube . com /watch?v=9g8JADUkjwM / Undisclosed Desires, www . youtube . com /watch?v=pIYvKCfqGB4**_

XXXX__

"_No matter how many times that you told me you wanted to leave,  
No matter how many breaths that you took, you still couldn't breathe,  
No matter how many nights that you'd lie wide awake to the sound of the poison rain,  
Where did you go? Where did you go? Where did you go?  
As days go by, the night's on fire,_

_Tell me would you kill to save a life? Tell me would you kill to prove you're right?  
Crash, crash, burn…let it all burn; this hurricane's chasing us all underground,_

_No matter how many deaths that I die, I will never forget,  
No matter how many lies that I live, I will never regret,  
There is a fire inside of this heart and a riot about to explode into flames,  
Where is your God? Where is your God? Where is your God?_

_Do you really want…do you really want me? Do you really want me dead or alive to torture for my sins?  
Do you really want…do you really want me…do you really want me dead or alive to live a lie?  
Tell me would you kill to save a life? Tell me would you kill to prove you're right?  
Crash, crash, burn…let it all burn; this hurricane's chasing us all underground,_

_The promises we made were not enough; the prayers that we had prayed were like a drug,  
The secrets that we sold were never known; The love we had, the love we had, we had to let it go,  
Crash, crash, burn…let it all burn; this hurricane's chasing us all underground,  
Do you really want…do you really want me? Do you really want me dead or alive to torture for my sins?  
Do you really want…do you really want me…do you really want me dead or alive to live a lie?"_

XXXX

"_Mm…mm…mm…I wanna seeeeeeeeeex you up!" _

Emmett's incessant howling over the flush of the toilet assaulted my ear canals without mercy. This had been going on since I walked in the door, thirty-five minutes ago.

"For the love of God, man!" I yelled. "Please tell me you are not singing washed up boy-band songs from the nineties!" I should've known that would only serve to increase the decibel level of his singing.

"_We'll make sweet love all night looooooooooooooooooooong_!" He continued to croon, only slightly off key. I groaned. My best fucking friend was lucky he had a decent voice, or else I would have been searching for a scalpel-like tool to surgically remove his vocal cords. The bathroom door slammed and Emmett marched out into the living room, buttoning his jeans and shaking his ass as he kept…fucking…singing. _"Feels so right it can't be wroooooooooooooong! Ooooooooooh, baby, I wanna seeeeeeeeeex you up!"_

The sound of stomping on the stairs, followed by an irritated sigh told me that Jasper had had quite enough of the serenade as well.

"Jesus H Christ, man, can you shut the hell up already?" the southern gentleman snarled as he rounded the corner, staring at Em incredulously. Emmett stopped singing, indeed, but only to grin at Jazz and flip him the bird affectionately. "Oh that's real nice, dick. Garrett and I are _trying_ to work on a sound check downstairs and we can't even concentrate on the instruments because our ears are fucking bleeding, dude! I mean, seriously, what is up with you singing this bullshit from the Backstreet Boys, or whatever?"

"Actually, Jazz, that would be Color Me Bad," I said dryly.

"And the fact that you know that…scares me, man," Jasper retorted before turning back toward the stairs. "Any time you two wanna join the band…"

"_All I wanna doooooooooo is…let you suck on these giant balls, baby!" _Em yelled when Jasper was out of sight.

"SHUT…UP!" Jasper yelled back. I heard Garrett's laughter from the basement and had to laugh myself. It felt good. I needed to laugh after stewing all week about the incident at the fucking park.

"Jesus, what crawled up his ass?" Emmett muttered as innocently as always.

"He's cool with me. Must be just you, man," I replied as I leaned back on the sofa, twirling my phone in my hand.

"That's bullshit. I'm as charming as they come and you know it." He wagged his eyebrows at me. "He's just jealous that I'll _probably _be getting some ass before he will."

"Riiiiiiiight. You're as charming as a caveman, Emmett."

He pursed his lips for a moment before grinning like the idiot he was. "Homo-Erectus." He smirked.

_Like I said._ "Besides, did you even tell him about Nicci yet?"

"Nope."

"Well then, genius, how's he supposed to be jealous of something he doesn't even know about. Face it. You're an annoying motherfucker."

"Bite me, dick."

"Nah, I'll leave that up to the infant in the cradle you're currently robbing."

There it was again…the shit-eating grin. This motherfucker…

"So, what's up, fuck-nut?" Emmett smirked as he smacked me on the knee with my sheet music he'd so elegantly rolled up. "Still brooding, I see." The sheet music was for a song I had been working on and finally, as of this week, finished. Although I wouldn't normally have thought this, I was glad we were having our final practice today since I was planning on debuting it in less than a week on Open Mic Night. Fucking thing had to be perfect because, yeah, it was for Bella.

"Gimme that…and I'm not brooding." I swiped the sheet music out of his hand and cracked him on the head with it. The asshat I called my best friend had suggested I name the song, 'I wasn't a pussy, but now I am,' as opposed to what I actually named it, but I could've given two shits as to what he thought.

"Yes you are, in fact, brooding, and if you hit me again…I will kill you."

I laughed. Out loud. "Shut the fuck up, dick, and get off of me. What, do you want a kiss or something?" He was hovering over me like he wanted to jump my bones. Shit was creeping me out. He sat down quickly and furrowed his brow, frowning at me.

"You know, I'm getting a little pissed off that everyone seems to think it's alright to tell me to shut up today. And why the fuck do you keep questioning my sexuality, Edwina? I'm not a cock-jockey, asshole! You know what they say…" He fucking smirked again. "Those that accuse are usually the guilty ones."

I choked on my Heineken. "You fucking wish! Who's brooding now? You know what they say about those that get defensive so easily…riding the bologna pony, Em?" I laughed again as Emmett made gagging sounds.

"I'd rather bang your grandma, Doctor dick-licker." I stopped laughing abruptly and glared. "Besides that, I'm tappin' it tonight. Nicci's gonna be riding the _McCarty_ stallion all night long! You feel me?" Again with the brow-wagging.

"Oh God, now I'm gonna be sick," I groaned. He was such a poser, though. _Jesus Christ, my son's language was rubbing off on me._ He fronted that he was all about 'tapping that ass,' but I saw the way his eyes lit up when he talked about that girl. From what I understood, he had seen her a couple times over the last week; Lance-romancing her with a couple dinners and a movie. Not too long ago, I would've said that the motherfucker wouldn't have known love if it jumped up and bit him in the Johnson, but lately, it seemed he'd definitely been bitten. He was just too much of a Neanderthal to admit it.

"You and Bells are hanging tonight, right?" Ah yes, tonight. Tonight was the "meet and greet," so to speak, we decided to have with the girls before the big band debut at Moonstruck. Although, the only ones who really needed to meet were Jasper and Alice. Jasper wasn't aware that Emmett had been seeing Nicci through the week; he only knew that Em met her with Bella at the coffee shop that day. Fuck, I hated even thinking about that day though, because it sent my blood pressure dangerously high recalling what the douche-whore, Jake, did to my girl. Anyway, that was probably most of why Jazz was on edge today. The poor fucker was a nervous wreck – as he very well should've been – about meeting the little pixie vixen. I was just hoping she didn't eat him alive before they got to know each other.

"Yup," I replied finally. "For a little while at least."

"The fuck, dude? What do you mean _a little while?_" He huffed and rolled his eyes. "Jesus, you're such a puss these days."

"Hey, get off my nut sack, Emmett. I'd like to spend some alone time with Bella if you don't mind, and besides that I'd rather not watch you drool all over a child…" I shuddered. "Gross."

"Fuck you, she's not a child, she's almost twenty-four! What is with you?" All I could do was laugh and shake my head as he continued to boast about himself. "You never know, I could be the next Hugh Hefner. I mean, I got it goin' on, and I'll have it going on when I'm an old man too. Because I'm not old, of course, so that'll be a long time, but you get what I'm sayin'. Hey, speaking of old man, where's your boy, Daddy-o?"

I glowered at him. My mood having changed abruptly. "A…don't ever call me 'Daddy-o' again. That's fucking weird, man. Secondly, he's _supposed_ to be with his dumb-ass of a mother, but knowing her she's probably pawned him off on someone else so she can either go shopping or fuck her rapist boyfriend." I clenched my jaw and drew in a deep breath. Emmett's mouth fell agape. He shook his head in disgust.

Yeah, that was another fucking problem of mine…the succubus. Besides this shit that was going on with Bella, I had to deal with that idiot not goddamn listening to me. She was about to lose her son if she didn't straighten the hell up, but of course when I dropped him off and tried to explain to her for the umpteenth time…and informed her of the menace at the park attempting to kidnap Bella's daughter, for Christ's sake, all she could focus on was being pissed that I was there, at the park, with Bella. Oh, she didn't have a working brain cell in her head. I swore, if they ever figured out how to transplant the cerebral cortex, that woman would be my first suggestion for a candidate. And yeah, I suspected that waste of oxygen, James, was the culprit at the park, but of course the succubus would hear none of that. She already knew how dangerous I thought…_knew_…he was. Really, it was hard to combat that kind of stupid.

"Dude, tell me she isn't still doing that sociopath." He shook his head. "Such a waste of a nice piece of ACE." _Oh good, now he's channeling Chris Farley._

I quirked an eyebrow at him before I shrugged. "Not that I can prove, but I'm not a fucking moron. Doesn't matter. She lets my threats go in one ear, through her hollow skull and out the other, but once I get a hold of Eleazar and get this paperwork done, she'll know I'm serious. I have a feeling he won't touch my kid, though. It seems the sick fuck is still after Bella…and now, her family." My body shook with rage and my fists clenched just thinking about it.

"You really think it was him at the park? You think he's a potential kidnapper now too?" Emmett asked. The goofiness in his demeanor was gone without a trace; his face displayed the same dark, disturbed expression I was sure mine shown. I shrugged and shook my head.

"I don't know, man. I just…don't know. I mean, the fucker had a ski-mask on, apparently, so she couldn't really tell us what he looked like. But we know he has a connection to Jake and she _said_ he mentioned something about taking her to see her _daddy_. If it was him, and worse, if Jake put him up to it, even though he swore to Bella he didn't…" I sighed and looked over at Em. "I'm afraid there isn't a limit to what I'll do to either of them."

Emmett nodded once and pursed his lips in thought. "Well, you won't be alone, man."

I knew it had to be that piece of shit, James. It _had_ to be. Based on what Krissy had been able to tell us about the man in the park… Oh, I could've lost my mind just thinking about it, and the fact that it took me almost the entire afternoon to calm Bella down. Not to mention, she'd left a message for Jake and he decided to call back once I'd gotten her calmed down…and then I had to calm her down all over again. It was fucking ridiculous, and somebody was going to pay for this shit.

XXXX

_Bella was shaking, uncontrollably trembling as we walked into the Starbucks not far from my parents' house in Lincoln Park. I sat her and the kids in a large booth – well, as large a booth you could get in Starbucks – and went to order the hot cocoas for all of us. She had informed me when I helped her and the twins out of the car that she'd left a message for Jake. _

"_I can't believe he would have anything to do with this, Edward," she whispered. "I'll… I swear I'll kill him if he did."_

_I understood that thought process completely, but still, I needed to get her calm for the kids. Immediately upon sitting in the booth, Bella removed the offending Santa Claus sucker from Krissy's hand and shoved it toward me to throw away. When Krissy began to whine about it, I realized Bella was not in any state of mind to explain the rationale of getting rid of the candy that…fuck, for all we knew, could've been poisoned or some shit, so I butted in and told the child that we didn't want to be unfair to the boys, who didn't get any. That we were all going to get hot cocoa, which was fair. She frowned at me and, for a moment, I thought I'd lost her, so I tried out my wink with a smile and – thank the good lord – it worked. _

_She smiled back at me and said, "Okay, Edwarrrrrrrrrrrd." Man, for some reason, the way that kid said my name just melted my heart. I was in deep shit and I knew it. _

_Hoping I hadn't overstepped my bounds, I chanced a glance at Bella, but was surprised to see her smiling at me, a little sheepishly, a little sadly. Goddamn. My heart was a fucking goner. _

_Bella and I began to ask Krissy little questions here and there so as not to alarm her, but to get her talking about the "man in the park." The boys were chattering amongst themselves, not to mention sticking their faces in the foam and whipped cream that topped their cups, and then pointing and laughing at one another saying, "You gotta beard!" Of course, I had to get on Kellan…_again_…when he boasted that his was "way awesome-er." But despite all that, I was glad they were entertaining themselves and didn't seem to be worrying about this "bad man" we spoke of. Or, were trying to speak of._

_Jesus, it was like pulling teeth with this kid. She mainly answered "mm-huh" and "uh-uh" as she focused most of her attention on licking the whipped cream off the top of her own cup. In essence, we had to come up with the questions to get anything out of her…and she barely elaborated. We did finally get out of her that his coat was black, and he had black pants on. When we asked what color his hair was, she shrugged and said, "I dunno." So, of course, our next line of questioning centered on his facial features. But, Bella was way better at this interrogation than I was. Matter of fact, I learned a thing or two I planned to use on my boy at a later date, when I suspected him of lying. Apparently being the mother of twins was like working for the CIA. _

"_Krissy, did he have a hat on?" Bella asked. When she replied with her standard, "mm-huh," Bella elaborated. "So, that's why you couldn't see his hair?" Krissy nodded. "What about his face? Did he have a brown face, kinda like Daddy's? Or a light face, kinda like Edward's?" _

"_I dunno," Krissy replied while shrugging, dipping her finger in the cream and then licking it off. Bella sighed. _

"_What do you mean, you don't know? You talked to him, right?" Krissy nodded. "So, you didn't see his face?" Bella seemed a little flustered, but kept her composure, thank fuck. _

"_Uh-uh," Krissy shook her head. And then…finally elaborated. "He had a thingy on his face." _

_(See, this, right here was where my brain did funny things in what I considered a crisis situation. Okay, more like grossly inappropriate and ridiculously gauche in my case, because when she said he had a "thingy" on his face, I thought of a dick. I thought of a skinny, floppy, impotent cock hanging off of this asshole's face. Kind of like a mini Snuffleupagus. Really, if I could've kicked my own ass at that point in the conversation, I so would have. Christ, I needed a drink. Something a hell of a lot stronger than goddamned hot cocoa.) _

_Come to find out, the "thingy" in question turned out to be a ski mask. Fan-fucking-tastic. I had all but given up hope that we were going to get anywhere with this mini-interrogation session, when the woman I love came up with a question that showed me exactly why she was number-one-mom material. Actually, I was wondering how my highly intelligent doctor brain hadn't come up with such a question, but then I remembered I'd just pictured a cock on this dude's face. Right. _

"_Baby, did you see his eyes?" Bella asked her. Krissy looked at her mother like she'd grown a second head, and then nodded. "Well, what color were they?" Krissy shrugged. I sighed. I think I may have made a groaning sound and that must have been why Bella shot me a warning glare. "Were they dark like yours and Daddy's?" Krissy shook her head, licking the chocolate foam off of her upper lip. Just like Bella did that day we were at the park together…_

_Focus, Cullen…Christ!_

"_Okay, then were they blue like Mommy's or green like Edward's?" Krissy stopped what she was doing and stared into Bella's eyes for what seemed like minutes. She quirked her little eyebrows, and then focused her attention on mine. As she stared intently into my eyes, I started to feel a little uncomfortable. I felt like I was playing a game of chicken – staring contest style – trying not to blink, and I'm pretty sure I started to squirm. Something happened to me, though. This little girl, who I had no ties to other than the unbreakable love I felt for her mother, reached inside me and took hold of my soul. Really, I knew the moment I saw her come out of those woods that there was nothing I wouldn't do for her and Robby, but in this instance of clarity between us, there was absolutely no doubt. _

_Finally, she let go of my gaze and looked back at her mom. "His eyes wasn't like Edwarrrrrrd's," she said confidently. "They was like yours, mommy, but lighter. Like the sky with no clouds in it." Immediately, she went back to slurping her hot cocoa. _

_Bella looked at me suddenly with tear-filled eyes. "James," she whispered. I clenched my jaw, trying to keep the venom from seeping out in my tone as I replied to her. _

"_We don't know that yet. Calm down. But when you get back to Alice's, you need to call Sergeant Hawkins and let her know." _

_She nodded her head almost mechanically looking away. _

"_Bella." She looked back up at me. "Don't let this go, okay?" She nodded again. _

"_Who's James?" Robby, obviously overhearing his mother's whisper, cut in and eyed her curiously. _

"_Nobody important, baby," Bella replied blandly. He shrugged and went back to motor-boating his hot chocolate…and cracking my son up at the same time. _

"_Who's Serrrrrrrrrgent Haskins?" Krissy questioned sweetly. Bella sighed audibly and dropped her head to her folded arms on the table. _

_I chuckled under my breath because, really, what else could I do? "She's a friend of your mommy's. She's a policema—uh, lady," I explained simply. _

"_Like Sam?" Krissy replied in awed excitement. I clenched my teeth…again. _

"_Yep, like Sam." Except she actually knows how to do her job, I added in my head. Goddamn, why did these kids have to be so close to people I despised with every ounce of my soul. I had to keep telling myself that if Bella loved me, so would they. It didn't matter that their dad and his other friends and I hated each other, did it?_

_Bella's phone rang, interrupting my thoughts. After she checked her caller ID, she looked at me, grim-faced, with her mouth in a hard, thin line. She whispered in my ear that it was Jake, and she was going to take it outside. I nodded quickly as she scooted out of the booth. _

"_Hello?" Her tone was anything but gentle. "Hold on." She turned and cupped the mouth piece with her palm. "You guys be nice to Edward. I'll be right back." She turned her attention back to the phone as she walked away quickly. "Nobody, Jacob!" My mouth fell open a little because damn if he didn't hear her say my name and damn if I didn't feel like a rooster wanting to puff out my chest…like I was cock of the motherfucking walk. Because I felt like I was…until I realized I was left to corral the three manipulative stooges. _

_Kellan was betting Robby that he couldn't, and I quote, "chug that hot cocoa like a beer." Yeah, he actually said that, 'like a beer.' And he then proceeded to ask Bella's five-year-old son if he knew how you killed zombies. Fuck. Me. _

"_Kellan…" I groaned. "That's enough, man, come on. He doesn't need to know—"_

"_I would just karate chop their big fat heads off like this…hi-ya!" Robby retorted, swinging his hand around and, you guessed it, knocking his hot cocoa all over the goddamned table. I groaned again. _

"_Oh no!" Robby shouted, to which his sister laughed at him and taunted him with her nearly full cup of. _

"_That was really stuuuuuuuupid, Robby Wil-e-um!" _

"_Nu-uh, ugly-face! Gimme yours!" he yelled back at her. _

"_No way, stupid sucker-head!" Krissy shouted back. _

"_Okay…okay, you two," I tried to interrupt, to no avail of course, because they were already in The Zone. By this time, Kellan was laughing hysterically. I was glaring at him for starting this whole mess, Robby was grabbing at Krissy's cup like a maniac and she was jerking it away from him, on the verge of spilling hers all over the table as well. _

"_GIVE IT!" Robby screeched. That's when I had to put my foot down. Or more appropriately, my palm on the table. _

"_Enough!" Six eye stared at me in utter horror, until I took a deep breath, smiled, and announced that if they stopped this bullshit…well, I didn't say 'bullshit'…I would go and get Robby another cup of cocoa. No more karate chopping at the table, and we were drinking like normal people, not chugging them like beers for fuck sake. Of course, then I got hit with Krissy's big brown eyes and suckered into buying the whole table a round of double chocolate chunk cookies. I was so screwed. When Bella returned to the table and I saw the strained look on her gorgeous face, I smiled sheepishly and held my hand out to her. "Cookie?" I asked. _

XXXX

Emmett's belly laugh distracted me from the scene I was describing with the three stooges. "Oh dude, you are so in over your fucking head."

I shook said head and glared at him. "I'm fine, dick. And I'm a grown-up, not a very old child like yourself. I can handle it, fuck you very much." He glowered at me before saluting me with his middle finger and a smirk.

"So, how'd her phone call go with the dick-cheese?"

I chuckled humorlessly and shook my head. "She was a fucking mess. I had to try and distract her the rest of the day to keep her calm." Emmett raised his brow and pursed his lips in a silent response. "Not _that_ way, dumbass, the kids were there. Christ, is that all you think about?" He looked at me incredulously. Oh, who the fuck was I kidding. When it came to Bella, sex was pretty much in my frontal lobe at all times as well. "Anyway, Ron Jeremy, once we got the kids in the cars to leave, she said he swore to her he had no idea about this asshole in the park. I don't know all that was said, but Captain Douche clearly upset her even more. I see him, and I'm giving him a good helping of his own fucking teeth."

Emmett looked away and nodded. When he looked back at me, his expression was dark…ominous. "You know you're not the only one with a special set of skills, right? Jasper and I are…" he paused for effect, "talented in a certain way." I looked at him for a beat before nodding once. "That bastard hurts her, or anyone else does for that matter, well let's just say the marine life in Lake Michigan wouldn't miss a meal for quite some time."

"Emmett," I shook my head. "We've had this conversation before and frankly, I'm tired of talking about it. You find anything else out lately?"

He shook his head. "Nada, really. Couple more phone calls between Sociopath and Red-headed whore, but that's it. I'll keep on it, though."

I sighed. "I'm fucking sick of this shit. I mean, really, I just want to beat his fucking ass. And I will, next time he pulls some bullshit. But I've got to think of Bella first. I can't do anything to put her in any more danger, Em. Don't worry, though. When the time comes – and it will because he's too stupid to lay low – I'll save a couple pieces for you and Jazz, if you want."

"You don't get what I'm saying, man." Emmett leaned toward me, darkness still the star of his expression. "We could nip this shit in the bud. Jacob and his cronies disappear, no more danger for Bells or the kids. You don't even need to be involved, Edward. Jazz and me, we know what the fuck to do. No one would ever suspect anything."

I stared at him for a moment until I realized that he was serious as a goddamned heart attack. "You're fucked in the head. You know that, man?" He shrugged. "Settle down, Godfather," I chuckled. "If I need a hit done, I'll let you know." But then my own voice took a menacing turn, so much so that I barely recognized it. "But if he does anything else…he is mine."

"Yo, ladies, we practicing today or what?" Jasper's voice had our heads snapping around quickly. "I mean, what the hell have you guys been doing up here? Making out?" Emmett and I looked at each other and cringed. "Wait a minute…what the hell is going on? What's wrong with you two now?" He sighed. "Jesus, we don't have all day. We have ladies to entertain tonight. _We_ have food to buy, and we need to clean this place up. It's a mess. So quit fucking around!"

"Whoa, man, this is _your_ place, not mine," I told him. "Besides, I can't clean…don't wanna rip my stitches." I patted my calf effectively. Jasper looked at me and rolled his eyes. "And, I'm going to see Kendyll after this, before I pick up Bella." (Yeah, because my mother just couldn't help herself from telling my friends about my 'heroics' last weekend.) "No time. You know what the ladies like to drink more than anyone anyway, right?" He answered me with a sneer. "Right. Well, we're not staying very long tonight, but don't worry, Mrs. Whitlock, I'll bring a side dish." I smirked. His expression responded with a 'fuck you' before he turned to Emmett, who quirked an eyebrow at Jazz.

"Jesus Christ, Whitlock, you're such a woman. Have you checked to see if your dick's still there?" He pointed. "Clean the house and shop for groceries…" he mumbled. "Fuck, you forgot to mention you had to get a manicure and wash your fucking hair. Stop getting your tutu in a twist, man. You're too adorable for Alice not to love."

Jasper stared at him, possibly trying to think of a way to kill him with his mind. He huffed and shook his head as he headed back toward the stairs. "Whatever assholes. Screw you both, but hurry up and getcha asses down here!" When he disappeared, Emmett shoved me hard in the shoulder. I whipped around and shoved him back.

"Fucking asshole!"

"You need to quit being a pussy and stay longer tonight," he said calmly. This motherfucker…

"Em, it's bound to be awkward enough if Garrett and Tanya are here. And I told you, I need some time with her. Call me a pussy; call me a selfish motherfucker, but I need to treat her right tonight. Fucking her in a hospital supply room is not my idea of treating her right." Aaaaaand at that particular moment, I mentally slapped the shit out of myself for opening my mouth and letting the verbal vomit spew. Especially when Emmett's eyes widened like a kid who'd just walked into a floor-to-ceiling candy store.

"Holy shit, you gotta give me access to these places, man! You're my hero right now, Edwina!" He grabbed my face and planted a kiss right on my fucking forehead. I shoved him off of me and shook my head in disgust. "I'm serious, bro. Oh my God, that is _so_ hot!"

"Wow." I smirked. "Nicci's got herself quite a catch."

XXXX

I smiled and waved at the nurses manning the phones and patient calls in ped's as I walked past them toward Kendyll's room. They grinned sheepishly at me and then leaned into one another, whispering conspiratorially. I shook my head and chuckled under my breath, thinking of the smart-ass sexual comments Emmett would make if he were here with me. Regardless of Bella's status, I was no longer the playboy _bachelor_ doctor he was always so proud to exclaim. Speaking of which, when I called Bella to say…other than I missed the hell out of her…I'd be there in a couple hours to pick her up, she told me she was two seconds from jumping in the shower. The shower. That meant she was naked, or almost; either way, I groaned through the phone. She chuckled all low and sultry, and goddamn if I didn't have to adjust my instant, raging hard-on as I drove and talked to her on the phone at the same time. Never a pleasant experience. Not to mention the fact that I nearly drove off the road while on my way to see a little girl who'd lost her parents in a fatal fucking car accident. Fuck me, I was losing it.

The door to room 623 was open and I stood, peering in quietly for a couple moments before entering. Kendyll had been moved here, one floor up from Carlisle's Ortho department, two floors from my L and D department, and four floors from the ICU on the second floor. She'd been moved here exactly two days, thirteen hours and thirty-seven minutes after she'd come in that awful night. Why I kept track of that was beyond me. I just…did.

She was looking apathetically at the TV suspended in the corner of the room, flipping through the channels. Her dinner tray had been cast aside, seemingly untouched and this disturbed me. The child needed to eat, and I had to tell her this on each occasion I visited her. I tried to make time to see her every day, starting with the evening after what ended up being the train-wreck of a play date at the park. The amazing little girl I was staring at had opened up to me little by little each day, but that first night…man, that first night was rough.

I had given myself a headache debating on whether to reach out to her and hold her hand or not. But she'd answered that question for me when she opened her eyes groggily and reached her hand toward me. I took it. Of course I took it and when she smiled, I was done for. I had murmured things to her like she was going to be okay and the doctors and nurses had taken really good care of her…anything she needed, I would be there…that sort of generic talk. Thing was, she brought my stoic façade down in an instant with one simple question.

"_Edward?" she said suddenly. Her eyes reflected the seriousness in her young voice. "My mom and dad…they didn't make it, did they?" _

_When her voice caught and the gasp took the sound out of her last word, I froze. She was just looking at me, hoping I wouldn't break her little heart, her chin visibly quivering, waiting, and I couldn't speak. _

"_Um…" I whispered in return. I tried to swallow the lump in my throat, but that bastard wouldn't go down and I couldn't speak. Finally, I squeezed her little hand and shook my head. "No," I mouthed. It was all I could manage to do. I didn't really know what I was expecting her to do…scream? Yell? Tell me I lied to her? Hate me? Fuck, but what I didn't expect was for her to sit there, silently shaking her head as her tears streamed down her cheeks…steady rivers of un-fucking-fair. _

"_I'm so sorry, Kendyll." I finally found enough of my voice to whisper. As I bit back the emotion that wanted to literally explode out of me, I cursed God again. _

The next shocker came when she grabbed me and pulled me into a hug, holding on for dear life. Yeah, I let a fucking tear slip out on that one. Not that she ever saw it. I could never allow her to see me fall apart. The goddamn Achilles Heel was that since that night, she looked at me like I had all the answers. I knew nothing. Not a fucking thing. Sure, I tried to get my hands on her chart every time I came in here to see her, but those girls in the pink scrubs kept that shit locked up like Fort Knox. I'd even considered dazzling them with my mad sex-stare skills, but fuck me if I wouldn't feel like a total asshole doing that.

Hell, my father was no help either. He was so cryptic about her and it pissed me off. He told me her arm was healing normally…ribs and all the other superficial stuff was coming along just fine. Her white blood cell count was elevated, but they were running tests. Tests. I asked what tests and he wouldn't fucking tell me. Because apparently, I wasn't a doctor worthy of knowing anything about his patient. Right, she wasn't his patient anymore anyway, he just followed her recovery. She was in ped's now, but Doctor O'Neal, her pediatrician, wasn't any more forthcoming. Bleh, Lydia O'Neal…had a stick up her ass around me ever since I rejected her advances. I shuddered. Uppity, know-it-all bitch was not my type and never would be.

I continued to watch Kendyll flip through the channels until she stopped abruptly and a familiar, albeit annoying, theme song came on. I smiled to myself. Phineas and Ferb. It was one of Kel's favorite cartoons too, and I watched the right side of her mouth lift into an almost smile. I cataloged her features, committing them to memory since who knew how long she'd be here. Any day she could be shipped off to Florida, once her next of kin was found. Man, she certainly was a beautiful thing. Auburn hair in waves down past her shoulders, delicate little nose that curled up just slightly at the tip. Her upper lip protruded a little more than her lower, like she was nibbling on the bottom one while concentrating on the cartoon. It gave her an adorable, baby-like quality, and her eyes…really there weren't adequate words to describe them.

Suddenly those aqua-colored eyes snapped toward me and lit up. Her smile widened and I felt the sigh of relief rush from my lungs. Not immediately smiling back wasn't an option.

"Doctor Edward!" Her eyes were positively sparkling. She started calling me _'Doctor'_ Edward once she figured out that I really was a, well, doctor. I loved it though, almost as much as I loved the way her face brightened when I came by. Sadly, I was the only thing that seemed to make her happy. That and the single pink rose I held behind my back. She pushed herself up in the bed a little with her right hand – the poor thing's left arm was thickly casted from shoulder to knuckles, so it wasn't much for mobility. "I'm so glad you came by!"

I rolled my eyes playfully and grinned. "Like I had anything better to do than to come see you, gorgeous."

Her grin widened and she pointed her little finger at me. "You look especially nice tonight. Gotta date?"

"Maybe, but I found this along the way and just had to give it to a very special little girl who's just as beautiful as my date." I pulled the rose out from behind my back and presented it to her, bowing dramatically. "Mademoiselle." She took it from me and put it to her little nose.

"Merci, Monsieur," she thanked me in French. It was kind of our little thing we did. In one of our many conversations over the past few days, I had asked her about her middle name, Michela, pronounced Mi-Kay-La, but spelled oddly. She told me her mom's side of the family had French lineage and that her dad's middle name was Michael, which apparently meant 'gift from God.' Her mom had always told her she was their 'gift' and thus, her middle name was the female equivalent of Michael…only spelled the French way. She was quite articulate, this one. "Can you put it in the vase with the rest of them?"

I nodded and slipped it in with the six other pink roses I brought for her…one for each of my visits. I pulled a chair close to her bed and sat down, inconspicuously checking her monitors.

"How are you feeling?"

"A little better." She nodded, but then grimaced. "But my tummy's been hurting a little."

I frowned. "You know, my little boy likes this show too," I said, changing the subject and nodding toward the TV.

She shrugged. "It's okay. Your little boy comes here sometimes, right?" I nodded. "To see his Grandpa, Doctor Carlisle, right?" I nodded again. "And Doctor Carlisle is your dad?" I nodded a third time. I hated getting into these conversations about family with her…for obvious reasons. When she'd asked me on one occasion what was going to happen to her, I had no answer. She already told me she didn't have any grandparents, but didn't elaborate on any other family. I really fucking hated not being able to tell her what she needed to hear. "You think I could meet your little boy sometime?" she asked. I didn't even have to think about my answer, it was an absolute yes. This poor little girl could use as many friends as she could get right now.

We talked for quite a while. She asked about my 'date' and I told her about Bella. She said she sounded really nice and really pretty. She wanted to meet her too, and I had to agree whole-heartedly. It was just that my girl was so busy dealing with the bullshit in her life; she couldn't find the time to get here with me. I was hoping Bella would be able to meet Kendyll before a family member was located to take her in. Christ, it sounded like she was some lost pet, waiting to be claimed by her owner. Fucking depressing.

Right before I reluctantly left her, Kendyll tapped the side of her cheek with her tiny forefinger.

"Lay it on me," she said with a cheesy smile, and I did just that, leaning down to give her a kiss on the cheek. She snaked her free arm around my neck and gave me a squeeze before sending me off to get my love.

Not surprisingly, I ran into my father on the way out. He looked at me with a hint of chagrin, no doubt still feeling badly about the bullshit he pulled in front of Esme regarding Bella and me, but I didn't have time for a goddamned therapy session. Or maybe he was annoyed that I hadn't made it back to work yet. Whatever, it wasn't any of his concern. My life, not his…I was a grown man now and all of that shit.

"Edward." He nodded in acknowledgment. I returned the gesture. "Come by to see Miss Tanner?"

I rolled my eyes. "Her name is Kendyll, Dad, and she's ten, not thirty. You don't have to be so formal." His fucking aloofness sometimes just irritated the shit out of me. "But yes, I did come to see her. I'd love to know how she's doing, but…" I trailed off, letting him catch the hint.

He sighed and scrubbed his face with his palms. "Edward, you know the policy…if she's not your patient, I can't—"

"Yeah, I got it," I barked, turning to walk away. But then I turned back to him. "But you could at least let me know when she's leaving. When I won't be able to see her anymore? Any word on next of kin?"

He shook his head. "Admin is still working on it. No living grandparents have been located, and, it seems that both of her parents were only children. The office is trying to contact Child Protective Services in Florida, as well as the FDLE to see if there's been any legal documents filed by the parents granting anyone custody in this situation. Terrible situation." He shook his head again and looked past me toward her room.

Wow, no grandparents and no aunts or uncles on either side. What were the odds of that? _Jesus_, this poor girl and her fucked up luck.

XXXX

"Holy shit!"

"What?" Bella looked at me like I was completely insane. Meanwhile, my eyes were raking over her with lust unabashed. I wanted to reach down and adjust myself, but decided that might've been a little crass. She looked unbelievable. Her right arm – previously imprisoned in a bulky cast – was free and delicate, matching her left in this plaid-looking, long sleeved shirt that bunched up tight around her torso, but was low-cut and loose at the top, showing off the subtle, gentle curve of her breasts. Her hair was down in loose waves, framing her beautiful face and flowing over her shoulders. The jeans…oh fuck, the jeans were black and tight…so tight, it looked like she poured herself into them. They were low-cut, a little bit of her creamy skin showing between her shirt and her waistband, and had three buttons that I could _not_ wait to undo later. Jesus Christ, her ass looked so good; I was having trouble keeping my thoughts in order. As if that wasn't enough, she had on these studded, ankle boot-things with stiletto heels.

Fuck. Me.

"Those jeans…those jeans are…you look…" I stammered.

"Like what you see, Doctor?" she murmured with a raised eyebrow.

"Are you fucking kidding me? Get over here. Right now," I demanded, licking my lips. I wasn't sure we were going to make it to Jazz's. At this rate, I was going to pick her up and take her straight to the first bedroom we stumbled across. She walked over to me…slowly…too slowly with a sly grin. I pulled her to me and wrapped my arms around her, palming her ass with a groan. "You look incredible," I whispered in her ear. "God, I've missed you so much this week."

She kissed me on my neck, which sent a message directly to my dick to go ahead and strain on my fly a little harder. "You look pretty amazing yourself, and I've missed you too." What she did next was press herself into my raging erection, which made me hiss entirely too loudly. She pulled away a little when – I assumed – Alice came bounding around the corner. I wouldn't have known…I wasn't able to tear my eyes away from the woman against me.

"Good God! I would say get a room, but considering the last time I said that…"

I ignored her smart ass and actually squeezed Bella's again to spite her.

"You like my sister's outfit, Edward?" she chirped.

"Something like that."

"My design," she sing-songed. "What about mine?" I was too busy fusing my lips to Bella's ear lobe and listening to her breathing increase to answer the hyper one. "Edward?"

"You look great, Tink," I murmured finally.

"You're not even looking at me." I could hear the pout in her tone. "Hey, this is important! I have to make sure I look good for Jasper. Edward, come on!"

"Fuck," I muttered before pulling away and lifting my head toward Alice. I looked at her briefly, scanned the outfit in question, and went to return to my oral activities with Bella, but snapped my head back to Alice with an embarrassing gasp. "Christ, are you trying to give him a heart attack tonight Alice?" My guess was yes. This girl had on a long blouse – just about to the tops of her thighs – some kind of see-through material with black leaves or something all over it. It covered her, essentially, but you could still see a lot of skin through it. Did I mention it was low cut in the front? And by low-cut, I mean _extremely_ fucking low-cut, but that wasn't even the best part of the outfit. Her pants were black leather…skin-fucking-tight and tucked into some black knee-high, high-heeled boots.

Jasper was officially going to jizz himself before he even got a chance to say, _'Hello Ma'am,'_ in his southern-gentlemanly way, of course. She still didn't look as smoking hot as Bella did to me, but let's face it. She looked fucking ridiculously hot.

Alice grinned wickedly. "Too much?" I couldn't seem to tear my eyes away from the black leather leggings – or whatever the hell they were called – until Bella pinched the shit out of my side.

"Ow! _Fuck_…ing…_hell_ that…felt good, baby," I said, grinning sheepishly as I took in Bella's raised eyebrow and burning gaze. She rolled her eyes at me and giggled. "Uh, n—no, not too much," I lied as I glanced back at Alice. "Just…take it easy on him, okay? Don't say anything overly sexual to him in the beginning, because I can guarantee if you do? Looking like that? He's gonna pass right the fuck out.

Her smile nearly split her face as she bounced a little and clapped her hands, right before she turned and strutted back down the hall, saying something to the effect of, "Oh, I'll be easy alright." I abruptly turned back to my baby and attacked her jaw. She gasped, just like I liked it.

"If you love me at all, promise me you'll borrow those pants and/or boots from your sister sometime. Please…for the love of all that is holy." She pulled back, smacked me on the shoulder and rolled her eyes again.

Alice caught a ride with us to Jasper's, but when I informed her that we didn't plan on staying very long, which thankfully earned me a hint of a satisfied smirk from Bella, she countered with a noise that stated the obvious. No problem whatsoever. I knew how it would end up. She would likely catch a ride from Jazz…or he from her. Pun definitely fucking intended.

Bella was eerily quiet, so I reached over and rubbed her thigh gently. "You okay, baby?"

"Yeah," she replied. But then after another moment silence, she drew in a breath. "Are, um, Garrett and Tanya going to be there?"

Shit. I knew she was still going to be weird about that, so I gave her thigh a little squeeze. "They might be. Will you…I mean, be okay with that?" I didn't know what else to say and I knew better than to go into a spiel about how she was the only one for me and didn't have anything to worry about, yada, yada. She nodded silently, but then a sarcastic snort came from the back seat.

"Well, that should be interesting."

"Alice…" Bella warned. She looked at me reassuringly and nodded again. "I'm fine, really, it'll be fine." Sure it would.

XXXX

Jasper shocked the hell out of me when we got there. He looked almost as sharp as I did in his basic white button-up shirt, dark-washed button flies and cowboy boots. Motherfucker cleaned up pretty well, if I was being honest. There was no hint of the stressed out, balls-in-a-twist attitude he had from earlier in the day, as he was all confidence and debonair as he greeted Alice with a genuine smile and flattering compliments. I did want to vomit in my mouth a little bit when he took her hand and planted a very gentlemanly kiss on the back of it. She giggled and flushed like a ten-year-old meeting Justin Bieber, and then literally fluttered her eyelashes at him. I was trying desperately to hold back my smart-ass remarks as well as my laughter, and Bella had her hand cupped over her mouth, giggling.

"Well, it took you long enough to come to your senses and ask me out – so to speak, Mr. Whitlock. And I have to warn you, if you keep this up, you might just be stuck with me," she flirted.

"My apologies, Ma'am," he drawled. "And I assure you, my intentions are just that. It would be my honor to be stuck with you, Miss Swan."

Oh Christ, where was I? In a Harlequin novel? Did I act like that with Bella? _As a matter of fact, you do…your balls no longer belong to you, my friend. _Always lovely when my own inner voice was calling me a pussy-whipped bitch. Yeah, I was completely.

"Get a room, Tink," I teased. The pixie vixen shot daggers at me. Bella peeled her sister off of Jazz long enough to give him a hug and tell him how nice it was to see him again. He squeezed her back and gave me a wink…that I eventually came to realize was just him saying 'atta boy' to me, but at the time, I wanted to grab him by the balls and turn him back to the direction of Alice. I was still considering anger management, of course.

The girls scuttled off to, no doubt, giggle about their very sexy men as well as pop open the wine that Mr. Hopeless Romantic went and bought for them…oh right, for himself too…and I grabbed a beer. The four of us chit-chatted for a while…well, Jasper and Alice traded googlie eyes, and Bella and I beamed like proud parents when we weren't stealing little nuzzles and kisses of our own. I kept expecting Alice to groan and mumble something about a room as always, but her eyes had seen the glory…in the form of Jasper Whitlock…and that was where they stayed.

_Oh God, we'd probably have to double-date all the time now, wouldn't we? Fuck. Me. _

I was just about to ask where the hell everybody else was, when it sounded like a bomb went off at the front door. I was in mid-pull of my fucking beer and jumped. The shit went all over my chin and dripped down my neck. I was pissed, and I knew exactly who I was pissed at.

"_Jesus!_ What the…" Alice exclaimed

"Hell?" Bella finished her sister's thought.

Fucking Emmett.

He came bounding through the door with a rolling cooler in one hand, and his other curled around the shoulder of a stunning girl. She was fairly tall with very long legs and long, straight brown hair along with a beautiful face. Yeah, I had to hand it to Em. He was right. And the way she was looking at him, the fucker was definitely going to be tapping that later on.

"Put away your vaginas, ladies, I'm taken!" Emmett bellowed. "Besides, I'd hate to have to beat up your men in front of you…because you were ogling me." He dropped the handle of the cooler and stroked his own pecs. This motherfucker…

"Oh good grief," Alice sneered. She turned to Bella and jabbed her thumb in Em's direction. "Is this cat for real?"

"Rawr," Emmett replied with a sly grin in Alice's direction. "Alice Swan! Daaaaaaaaaaamn, girl! Looking sexy after all these years…" He paused a beat for effect. "And so are you." The girl his arm was draped around smacked him in the six-pack, hard. Yeah, I decided I liked her at that moment. He doubled over a little bit, chuckling. "Aw, not nearly as sexy as you, baby girl," he cooed before kissing her on the cheek.

Someone, I wasn't exactly sure who, mumbled something about "_Baby_ girl" and "wasn't that just about right." Judging from the glare he tossed in Jazz's direction, I figured it was him…feeling ten-foot-tall and bullet proof with Alice on his arm. Oh well, I couldn't fucking help it. I chuckled. Pretty loudly, matter of fact, but the real belly-laughing ensued after Alice got another jab in.

"Don't you worry about it, honey," she addressed Nicci. "His narcissism will wear off after a while. It's completely unappealing to everyone else here." Emmett frowned as the room erupted, but Nicci was quick to whisper something in his ear that made him grin from that one to the other one shamelessly. I shook my head with a smile. Fucker looked happy…and I was happy for him.

Bella introduced Nicci and I, and the girl wrapped her arms around my neck, hugging me like she'd known me forever. Bella stiffened next to me, but lightened up when I put her coworker at arms-length. Although I had to admit, I liked my girl a little jealous. Rooster…chest feathers puffed out and all that shit. I would've said it was a pleasure speaking to Nicci, however I didn't really speak. Couldn't get a fucking word in edgewise because this girl did not shut up. Ever. I finally walked away from her after I quit listening to some story about her parents' vacations in France…although that made me think of Kendyll again…and went to join the boys. Soon after, I noticed Garrett and Tanya walk in the door.

I made my way back over to Bella because the goddamn tension in the room was thick enough to smother a person, and stuck by her for a while.

"I'm fine, Edward," she hissed under her breath. "I don't need a fucking bodyguard; now go hang with your friends." I finally walked off after eyeing her warily and earning an eye-roll, a huff and a little shove. The spunkiness coming from her went straight to my dick, of course, so I whispered in her ear that as soon as she was ready to go, we were too.

"I mean me…I am…ready to go when, whenever you are," I stated sheepishly. I kept a close eye on her hoping there wouldn't be any claws unleashed and fur flying at Jazz's house tonight, and when Tanya approached her and seemed to try and strike up some sort of conversation, I felt a twinge of panic. Bella nodded her head to something, and then followed Tanya down the stairs to the basement, waving off her sister, who tried to tag along. Damn, I loved Tink; she was just as overprotective as I was. I listened intently for sounds of shouting or things crashing, but heard none of that and, moments later, they reemerged giggling and talking animatedly.

_I'll be damned_.

I stole my girl away after watching her mingle with her sister, Tanya and Nicci, and sat her fine ass right on my lap on the sofa. My lips found her neck and I held back the tongue lashing I wanted to give her, settling instead for nuzzling and murmuring sexy things in her ear. Her little mewling sounds were sending my raging hard on into a frenzy and I was about two fucking seconds away from ditching the idea of driving back to my place and just finding a spare room to go to town in. I was forced to calm myself – and yeah, I pouted a little bit – when she pulled away from me to answer Alice, who was trying to get her attention.

"Would you look at that idiot," Alice said pointing to Emmett. He, of course, was standing in the kitchen with Nicci – who was giggling incessantly – acting like a fucking frat boy and showing her how he could slam fourteen beers at a time. Okay, it wasn't fourteen, but literally, the fucker slammed like four beers in a row. Bella shook her head with a snort.

"Jesus Christ, McCarty! You're not in college anymore. Give it up!"

He smashed the last can, belched loudly, and patted his abs proudly. "Yeah, but I still got it, Bells!" he shouted back before excusing himself to the bathroom. Actually, he said, "Damn it, now I gotta piss like a Russian racehorse!" Nicci laughed and sauntered over to the group to gush about her man, apparently. I was really just ready to go. Moments later, he came out, zipping his pants and grinning like the Cheshire cat. Why that motherfucker couldn't zip his pants up _before_ he exited the fucking bathroom was beyond me.

"What are you over here talking about, gorgeous?" He swept Nicci up off her feet and twirled her around as she squealed. "How much you love the way I stir the macaroni?" He wagged his eyebrows as there was a collective groan and various shouts of "Gross!" from around the room.

"Oh my God, Emmett! Shut the fuck up!" Nicci shrieked and slapped his arm. For some reason, I was thoroughly impressed that the girl knew what he was referring to.

"What? What the hell did I say?" he asked, all innocent and shit. Right. I rolled my eyes and glanced at Jasper, who was glaring at Emmett like he wanted to burn him alive with his super laser powers. I couldn't help but throw my head back and laugh loudly. It was time to go, though. I was not sticking around to see how this whole scenario played out. Jasper was definitely not a happy camper, judging by the look on his face, that Emmett was getting any kind of action before him.

As Bella and I made our way to the door, I clapped Em on the shoulder. "You are, just, wow…really smooth," I said with a smirk. He shrugged me off and picked Bella up to crush her in a giant bear hug. This earned him a menacing glare from me. As he set her down, he put his fat lips on her cheek and kissed her…just to piss me off. Then he turned to me and smirked.

"Whatever, dick. Way to puss out like I thought you would."

"Gotta have time with my girl, big man." I clapped him on the shoulder again as we got the fuck out of dodge.

XXXX

"_Oh…Jesus…Edward,"_ she moaned as I slammed her against the door inside my apartment and went to work on her collarbone. She wrapped her long, amazing legs around my waist and my hips surged forward of their own accord. My cock was like a heat-seeking missile, throbbing as it found its target through the thin material of those tight-as-fuck jeans.

"Where are the kids?" I groaned as my lips made their way slowly up the creamy skin of her neck, stopping at her pulse point to feel the erratic beat of her heart.

"Wh—what? Why are you asking about my kids right now, Edward, it's…weird."

"I just want to know how long I've got with you," I murmured as I sucked her earlobe between my lips. _Sweet Jesus_ she smelled magnificent. It was killing me and my cock was screaming something about entrapment.

"A—Angela's…spending the night…_oh God," _she moaned again as I thrust against her heated center. Although my body was screaming in protest, I abruptly pulled back and looked at her.

"Not at Charlie's?"

She groaned again in frustration. "And now you're bringing up my, my dad? Seriously?"

_Yeah, seriously? What the fuck, man?_ The one-eyed snake in my pants agreed with her whole-heartedly.

"I'm just curious. Isn't Charlie your go-to sitter? Besides, I thought Captain Douche was keeping them on the weekends."

"Not always…on both accounts," she countered. "Why do you care, anyway?" She ground herself into me, biting that goddamned lip. _Oh…so fucking good. _But something was off. I could tell she wasn't telling me something, so I stood still…cock screaming, hips wanting to thrust, jaw clenched because of it, with a quirked eyebrow. "She, um, she asked for them…you know, wanting to get some practice for when the baby comes." Wrong answer. I remained still. Finally, she sighed. "Okay, fine! Jake's working late, so he couldn't take them. He'll have them tomorrow and…and I didn't want to lie to Charlie anymore about what I was doing. Apparently, he can tell I'm a big fat liar these days." As she slapped her hand over her mouth to stop herself from divulging any more info, I raised my eyebrows because yeah…_what the fuck?_

"How so?"I asked tightly.

"Edward," she groaned, trying to move her hips some more. "Come on!"

I shook my head. "Spill. It."

Oh, and spill she did. Not only did she tell me that Charlie had found out I was at her house the Friday after Thanksgiving, but exactly _how_ he found out. He ran my motherfucking license plates.

God…damn.

My cock actually deflated a little at this fantastic piece of news, and I set her down on her feet. She started to protest…telling me that it was okay now. Right. How the fuck was it okay now? It wasn't even close to being okay because I couldn't seem to get the idea of Charlie confronting her out of my mind and God only knew what all he said. I couldn't believe it, but then again, yeah, I fucking could. Chief Swan was no dummy. I just couldn't stand that she had to go through that confrontation with him about…of all things…_me._ For Christ's sake, if that man ever saw me again, I was sure I'd be eating lead. Fuck.

She protested my hesitation, and protested and protested. I paced, and paced, and paced some more, cursing under my breath. I mean, yeah, my dad had found out my feelings for Bella, but her situation was a little different than mine. She wasn't the _home-wrecker extraordinaire_, I was, and something about her father, the Chief of Police of where-the-fuck-ever, finding out did not sit well with me. Ah…fuck me! Her frustrated shriek finally halted my mental ramblings.

"Edward would you stop _fucking_ pacing!" I did just that and turned to her. She was visibly pissed off. Angry, sexual frustration rolling off her in waves, and the angry part didn't make it a good thing. "How many times do I need to remind you that I'm a grown _goddamn_ woman? So chill out! He doesn't hate you…" she shuddered slightly. "Anymore." Something finally clicked in my brain. The 'grown-woman declaration' reverberating from a past, but recent fight made me realize that she was serious and that she wasn't going to let this stand in the way of us…so why the fuck was I?

"Okay…" I walked toward her slowly, nodding, whispering. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," she murmured in response, her eyes fixated on my mouth. _That's right_, I thought. "But he…he did say if you hurt me…or, or my…my kids, he would…"

"What?" I cocked my head to the side, my own eyes fixated on her plump lips. "What would he do?"

"Kill you…" she gasped as I crashed my lips into hers, pouting adorably as I pulled away abruptly.

"Anything else?" I asked with a half-smile. My dick was in full salute once again.

She nodded. "If you, um, look at me cross-eyed… He said that." I went in for another kiss but she held her finger up, halting me. "And he doesn't know the…extent of our relationship just yet, so…"

"So…" I trailed off. "If I did this, would he be angry?" I took her hand, stroking her knuckle gently with my thumb and clasped her fingers in mine. She shook her head no quickly, eyes flaming. "What about this?" I ghosted my fingertips up her arm, through the sleeve of her shirt, up to the delicate skin of her throat, where her pulse was quickening, and tucked her thick hair behind her ear. She shook her head again and mouthed 'No,' but no sound came out. "What if I did this? Would he kill me if I did this?" I cradled the left side of her jaw with my palm and tipped her head to the side as I leaned into her exposed neck. She gasped again as I stroked her skin with my nose, drawing a line up to her opposite jaw, and then to her ear.

"_Shit," _she whimpered as I exhaled onto it softly and caressed my lips over to her cheek, kissing her there.

"Shit," I whispered in her ear, "is not the answer to my question, Bella."

"Um, n—no, he wouldn't…um, kill you for…for that," she stammered. I smiled. Almost victorious, almost, but not quite yet.

"What about this?" I moved my hands down her sides quickly and around to her supple ass, palming it and squeezing ever so slightly.

She sighed…all erotic and sexy and fuck if my dick didn't leap in my jeans. "M—maybe a little angry," she whispered.

"And this?" I moved my palms back up; letting one linger near her rib cage, I continued the other one up to the nape of her neck and gently gripped a handful of her hair. She gasped again as I tilted her head to the side and attacked her jaw and that little place under her ear…licking, then sucking and pulling her ivory skin between my teeth. My other hand, the one near her ribs, moved quickly up to palm her breast. When I brushed my thumb languidly over her pebbled nipple, her moan nearly had me coming right the fuck in my Levi's.

"Oh _yes_, he would be…_God_, very angry…very angry…Edward, _please."_ That was all it took. What Chief Swan didn't know, didn't fucking hurt him…or me, for that matter.

"Good, because if he ever finds out about what I'm about do next…he's really going to kill me." I palmed her ass again, lifted her and, as she wrapped those magnificent legs around my body, I ground into her once for good measure, taking her straight to my bed.

When I finally had her laid out below me…both of us good and goddamned naked…I sat up and just stared at her. _Jesus Christ, _she was just the most unequivocally beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life. From her chestnut hair, sprawled around her like a halo against my stark white pillow cases, her flawless ivory skin, her flushed cheeks and swollen lips – which made me want to grunt in satisfaction at what I'd done to her – to her perfectly round breasts and tight little nipples, just begging me to lick and suck on them. Her creamy skin stretched over her flat abdomen and the gentle curve of her hips had me groaning and biting my lip hard. Not to mention, those long, amazing legs spread wide to accommodate me, and her pink, glistening sex, more than ready for me, nearly sent me over the fucking edge without her so much as touching me. Touching…_Oh God, _the thought that abruptly ran through my mind had my cock weeping from the tip. I stroked it once as I looked at her to try and ease the pressure, but it didn't help, so I bit the fuck out of my lip again. Her face flushed even deeper and she began to squirm a little.

"What?" she asked, looking bashful and gorgeous, making a move to cover herself.

"No, don't," I said quickly. "It's just you…" I shook my head and sighed. "You're the most amazing…most beautiful woman, and I love you so, _so_ much." I saw her eyes glaze over with unshed tears and had to nip that in the bud. We didn't need any of that right now. "Would you do something for me?"

"I…I love you too, Edward, so much, and yes, anything."

I licked my lips, anticipation buzzing in my veins. "Touch yourself, baby," I murmured. Shock registered on her face, but her expression soon clouded over with lust.

"I'd rather touch you," she said as she reached up and wrapped the slender fingers of her right hand around my aching shaft. I threw my head back with a growl that reverberated through my chest and grabbed her hand. Bringing it up to my lips, I sucked her fore and middle fingers into my mouth slowly, deeply. She moaned and writhed under me as I kissed the tip of them and put them to her own mouth. She sucked them in without question as I held her hand and slowly pulled them back out, gliding them over her chin, down her throat, in the sweet valley between her breasts and lower…inching toward her navel and below. Her breath quickened with each inch, but she never took her eyes off of mine.

Only when her fingers reached where _I_ needed them most, did her eyes leave mine and they rolled back in her head. Her back arched off the bed and she let out a soft, whimpering cry. Her taut nipples were just too inviting and I had to bend over and take one into my mouth. Her hand jerked up from her center as she moaned loudly, so I gave her tightened skin one last lick before moving quickly to her ear.

"No, baby, keep going…please."

I was thanking God, little baby Jesus, Buddha, whoever-the-fuck as she returned her fingers to my happy place and continued. I just watched, probably with my mouth hanging open, drool threatening to spill over, at the pleasure on her face, the ministrations of her fingers getting quicker and quicker. My dick got my attention as I observed her, and I couldn't help myself but reach down and stroke it repeatedly. My hips were surging, the familiar tightening in my balls telling me I was driving myself to the brink, and I couldn't take my eyes off of her…her mouth opened slightly, eyes closed in a euphoric fog, movements becoming more erratic. She was getting close. My baby was getting herself off and letting me watch at the same time. It was so fucking amazing, I didn't know whether I wanted to cry or explode right then and there.

I slowly traced the smooth skin of Bella's thigh. With the fingers of my left hand, I traced down to her knee and gently pushed it open wider, then caressed back up until I reached just below where she was working herself. I teased her entrance, making her whisper my name and 'yes' and a few other incoherent things. I slipped two fingers into her and pumped in and out…in…out.

"_Oh God, Edward…Edward, ahhh, oh God, don't…don't stop, Edward…Edward,"_ she chanted my name like a mantra…music to my motherfucking ears. And, just as she began to unravel, I brushed her hand out of the way and took over with my mouth. The sensation of her coming undone on my tongue sent an electric shockwave careening through my body, straight to the massive ache between my thighs. But before I would let myself go, I kissed her from head to toe, not missing a single square inch, and then made love to her…over and over again, until we were both a collapsed heap of panting, sweaty flesh.

After a while, she seemed amiss, lost in her thoughts, and I wanted to know what was on her mind, so I asked her. She replied that she just wanted to get things with Jake over with, and the time of year wasn't helping. She explained that she needed to focus on the kids…Christmas shopping…birthday party planning and shopping, since that was coming at the end of the month, and that she was nothing short of overwhelmed. I wrapped her in my arms and murmured lovely things in her ear, but after she excused herself to the bathroom to get cleaned up, I got an idea. I rummaged through my clothes in a heap on the floor and found my phone. Dialing cautiously, I checked the en suite bathroom door to make sure she wasn't coming out.

"Hey…Alice, it's Edward. Yeah, I know it's late, sorry…no, she's fine. Really she's fine…I promise, _Jesus_. Okay, sorry to interrupt…no, I was just thinking about something, and…I need your help…"

XXXX

We. Fucking. Killed. It. Absolutely, positively played our asses off and it felt…yeah, it felt fucking amazing. Apparently, we had some fans left over from our days of playing way back when, but the younger generation seemed to embrace us as well. The club had been great, allowing us to play more songs than normal, nobody bands but because we'd been around before, we'd gotten the star treatment.

I had to admit, before we went on – actually all fucking day long – I had a bad feeling. I felt like something was casting a dark shadow over what was supposed to be our night. I wasn't sure if it had to do with Bella, or just nerves eating away at my insides, but it was damn near crippling. Maybe I was afraid she wasn't going to show? I wasn't sure.

Oh, but show she did along with her sister, Tanya, Nicci, and a whole lot of not-much-going on in the way of clothes. Fuck me, she looked ridiculous in the way-too-short, long-sleeved, black dress…and I'll be goddamned if she didn't borrow those thigh-high boots from her sister. _Thank you, Tink!_ Did I mention the pluuuuuuunging neckline on this thing? Holy fucking shit. I literally couldn't function for a few minutes when I saw her, and she pulled the 'what?' again like something was wrong. My brain took the exit ramp right the fuck out of my head, but luckily I had another head more than willing to think for me. When I finally got my motor skills back, I marched her ass straight into the bathroom, locked the fucking door and took care of some business, which my dick and – as it turned out – my girl were happy to conduct. I resigned myself to the fact that I was going to have to refrain from murdering assholes with wandering eyes for the rest of the night.

I kept my eyes trained on her the entire time I was on that stage. I couldn't look away. The expression on her face when I sang the song I wrote for her and the tears I saw on her cheeks, glimmering in the club lights, were almost too much for my heart. But it was worth it. So worth it, because afterword we found ourselves on the dance floor. Her perfect ass grinding up against my aching hard-on to the beat of Muse's Undisclosed Desires. Perfect song…perfect moment…perfect goddamned night. And a tease to what would be happening later on.

I had my eyes closed just feeling her move against me, torturing me. I was just about to lean down and whisper in her ear that it was time to call it a night when I felt her body move away from mine. The pressure her backside had been putting on my crotch was suddenly replaced with air and my eyes popped open. I couldn't see her. What the hell? She was just right the fuck in front of me…where the fuck did she go?

The next thing I saw was a flash of red hair…and a face that I never thought – was hoping – I would never _ever_ see again. Her hands went to my shoulders, her face right in front of me, and I was stunned into a goddamned stupor.

"Well, if it isn't the sexiest doctor in town," she slurred. Her breath reeked of cheap tequila and I recoiled, my brain finally catching up and snapping to attention. "How've you been, baby?"

"What the _fuck_…are you doing here, Victoria? Where's Bella?" I tried looking around her, but all I could see were gyrating bodies. She followed my movements to the point that I felt like I was in a motherfucking boxing ring, bobbing and weaving.

"Who?" she asked with a sly smile.

"You know exactly who, and get your fucking hands off me!"

"Aw, come on, baby. Dance with me for old time's sake." Her bright red pout made me sick to my stomach. I wrapped my fingers around her wrists and gripped hard. She gasped, because yeah, I meant for that shit to hurt, and I shoved her own arms into the boob-job she'd obviously gotten done since I saw her last.

"I said get…the fuck…away from me!" I barely recognized my own voice as I pushed her back and watched her stumble before about-facing and shoving my way through the crowd. "Bella!" I yelled to no avail. I had no idea where she went, but Victoria showing up was no goddamned coincidence. I had to get to her. "Fuck! Bella!"

"Edward!" It wasn't the voice I was hoping to hear, but my head snapped in the direction of Emmett's bellow. He caught up to me, palming a bottle of Bud. "Yo, man, Nicci just said—"

"Fucking _Victoria's_ here, Emmett," I interrupted, only half composed. "She just tried to maul me on the motherfucking dance floor!"

"Oh shit…" he ran his free hand over his head. "So is Jake, man."

_Come again?_

"Wait…what the fuck did you just say?" My jaw tightened of its own volition, and my fists clenched so tightly, I thought I might crack the bones in my own hand.

"Nicci said she just saw Bella being man-handled by some big dark-haired guy. I asked her if it was the same guy we saw at the coffee shop and she said she thinks so. Dude, it's fucking Jake." He spoke quickly, his eyebrows scrambling to the top of his forehead as he saw the change in my expression from concern to murderous rage.

"Where?" My tone was cold, calculating. I felt like my skin was going to start bubbling up any second from the fury pumping through my veins.

"Toward the back exit," he answered excitedly. I knew what he was jonesing for; exactly the same thing I was and the shit was going down tonight. Witnesses, no witnesses…I didn't give a fuck. I was ending this motherfucker.

"Go tell Jazz and Gar what's up. Make sure the other girls are okay. I'm going the fuck over there right now."

"We doin' this tonight, man?" Emmett's eyes danced with anticipation. I nodded once, my chest rumbling. And out of the corner of my eye, I caught the flash of red goddamned hair again, talking to some Goliath-looking dude near the dance floor I'd just come off.

"_I'm_ doing this right fucking now," I growled out the words, jerking my head toward Victoria and motherfucking Goliath. "_You_ keep an eye on that overgrown bouncer that bitch is talking to."

"The one that's eyeing you, aaaaaaaand now starting to walk this way?"

"That'd be the one."

"On it. Ima go get everyone…and then we'll be right behind you, bro."

"Whatever," I spat over my shoulder as I stalked toward the exit. After what felt like a mile, they came into view, and the rage I felt at merely hearing that he was trying to take her was nothing compared to what I felt when I actually saw it. They stopped, close to the pool tables and the dart boards and were visibly arguing. I had a clear view of their profiles, and my baby was in a flat-out rant…pushing against his pecs, her head bobbing this way and that as she verbally let him have it. But this asshole….oh, this motherfucking asshole was trying to grab her, reaching for her hands as she batted him away.

That was when I honed in on my target…and took off at a dead run.

XXXX

_**Chapter end notes: Oh shit! I know. It's about time, right? Don't kill me for stopping here. This bitch was too long as it was. And you all know what a cliffy h00r I am. *shrugs* I'm working on the next one right now, so I'm not making any promises. I hope to have it to you soon. But… It's going to be different and not what you expect. It is a necessary evil, however, as my lovely beta points out. The good news is, it will probably be a lot shorter than this one! **_

_**Those of you who know what Emmett meant by "stir the macaroni" score some awesomeness points with me. If you don't…go and make a pot of Mac and cheese. When you're stirring it up with the cheese in it, think about what it sounds like! *snickers* Oh that Emmett! **_

_**Alright, so that review button's waiting. Do you think Carlisle's really being secretive about Kendyll's info because of hospital policy? Or is it something else? **_

_**Hope everyone had a fang-tastic Halloween! I can't believe it's November already and I've literally been writing this monster for almost 2 years. Yikes. My goal is to have it completed by the end of the year. Will I make it? That's the million dollar question. Thanks so much to all of you who have stuck with me for over a year and a half…so far! **_

**_Last, but not least…I've submitted an O/S to the Season Of Our Discontentment Contest. It's anonymous, so sadly I can't tell ya which one is mine, but if you love angst (like me) you'll LOOOVE these stories. Go andread and try to figure out which one I wrote (Lol), then vote on the 25th! www . fanfiction . net/u/3142288/_**


	52. Chapter 48, I Don't Care

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past  
Chapter 48, "I Don't Care" ~ Apocolyptica  
**Jacob's POV

_***A/N: I really have no good excuse other than RL and a shitty case of writer's block. The usual apologies apply. Thank you so much to those still reading and sending me love. I'm a lucky girl. ;-) I hope everyone that celebrates had a fabulous Christmas/Hannukah/Kwanza and Thanksgiving before that. **_

_**THEsnapcrakklepop beta'd this all by her lonesome and I love her sweet little ass hard. So, any mistakes are mine. *sighs* Hopefully I'll have fmneff and Love of Escapism back for next chapter. It's been a crazy couple months and I'm missin' mah team! **_

_**On a side note, I never intended to give 'Captain Douche' (as Docward says) his own chapter. However, I feel it's a necessary evil for you all to get into his head a little bit and see just how far gone he really is. He won't get another one unless it's an outtake. Prepare to get your feathers ruffled. **_

_***I don't own it, I just throw fuel on the fire and watch it explode. The train-wreck below, nonetheless, is mine. **_

**Song Link: http:/ www . youtube . com /watch?v=fDMiuMARLAs**

* * *

"_I try to make it through my life; in my way, there's you,  
I try to make it through these lies, and that's all I do,  
Just don't deny it; don't try to fight this, and deal with it; that's just part of it,_

_If you were dead or still alive, I don't care, I don't care,  
Just go and leave this all behind, 'cause I swear, I don't care,_

_I try to make you see my side; I always try to stay in line,  
But your eyes see right through; that's all they do,  
I'm getting buried in this play, I got no room, you're in my face,  
don't say anything; just go away,_

_If you were dead or still alive, I don't care, I don't care,  
just go and leave this all behind, 'cause I swear, I don't care,  
I'm changing everything 'cause you won't be there for me,  
I'm changing everything, 'cause you won't be there for me!_

_If you were dead or still alive, I don't care, I don't care,  
Just go and leave this all behind, 'cause I swear, I don't care…at all."_

* * *

"I'm not going to talk about this, Dad," I hissed as I turned toward the door of the tiny, shoebox of a house he lived in. Funny, it didn't seem this small when I was growing up in it, nor this neglected. The red paint was peeling off the outside; the driveway was cracked a lot more than I realized until I showed up to shovel the snow off of it for him, and the damned shovel kept getting stuck. In the warmer months, grass grew up between the cracks. Guess I just never paid much attention. Not that it mattered much. The man never really drove himself anywhere anymore. It was always me. And the inside of the house was…well, my dad had definitely let it go. Mom would've rolled over in her grave if she saw the house looking like it did.

I hadn't been over here in a couple weeks. Not since Thanksgiving and the bullshit that came out of _that_ debacle with the family…oh, and an unsuspecting illegitimate child of mine. And wasn't that just some wonderful goddamned news to get in front of everyone. I should've known Leah wouldn't be able to keep her mouth shut for long, but to betray me like that in front of my _family_? And to keep something like a kid from me for so long? Whatever; I wasn't sure I was even buying it. I didn't see the uncanny resemblance everyone else seemed to. I would've put it past that girl to come up with something like that to get a hold of me and/or my money.

Anyway, Dad had _estranged _himself from me because of that. I came over here because of my own need to help him…not because he asked me to. Because I was a good son and that was what good sons did. He hardly talked to me the whole time I was here, though, and it annoyed the shit out of me. When he did talk to me, he started saying some nonsense about how I'd lost Bella and needed to realize it. That I needed to let her go. I wasn't about to hear any of that.

Not. Happening.

"Jacob, wait!" He wheeled himself up behind me. "You need to listen to me."

"No, I don't." I turned on my heel and glared at him, one hand on the flimsy door knob. "She's _my_ wife. Always will be. Not you or anyone else is going to make me think any differently."

He sighed and shook his head, looking defeated and sad. I couldn't imagine why. This wasn't any of his business anyway. I could take care of myself, of my family. I didn't need his approval. I didn't need his pity, and I sure as hell didn't need his advice. I knew what the hell I was doing.

"Oh, Jake. You have no idea what you've done, do you?" I just stared at him. He shook his head again, looking down at himself, then back up to me with remorseful, blackened eyes. "I suppose it's my fault. The way I raised you, your mom and I. I should've seen it. I should've given you better advice. I…I should've known Bella would be a stronger woman than Sue was in the end."

Anger flashed through me and I lashed out at him. "Don't you _talk_ about my mom like that! What's the _matter_ with you?"

"I never treated her right, Jake. She wasn't happy, she just…wouldn't leave."

"What the hell are you talking about?" I seethed.

"She was too stubborn or, or old fashioned, I don't know, but she…she deserved better than me, and Bella does too," he continued, basically lost in his own thoughts, all but ignoring my growing frustration. He wasn't looking at me now; his eyes were distant, fixed on his wringing hands.

"No. Stop! Mom was fine. How dare you talk about her like this? And as for Bella, she doesn't know _what_ she wants." I was pissed. The audacity of him telling me what to do and talking about my dead mother had me shaking and clenching my fists so tightly, I could feel my skin tightened to the brink over my bones.

"Jake…" He looked back up at me. His voice was a mere whisper. "I watched it. All these years I watched things deteriorate between the two of you. The way you treated her…" he trailed off. My nostrils flared, heat creeping up the back of my neck. "I should've pulled you aside, talked to you. Like someone should've done to me. I was raised with the kind of values that hold no value anymore, Jake. Your mother was too, but she was different. She didn't want to conform. She wanted to be more independent. Just like Bella. But I wouldn't let her…and I lost her."

"Because she _died!_ Jesus Christ, Dad! I lost her too!" I shouted.

"No, I lost her long before that, son. She wasn't the same girl I grew up with because I broke her. And you will do the same to Bella. You will kill her if you don't let her go."

"You don't know what the _hell_ you're talking about!" My dad had lost his mind. Where was his loyalty anyway? Certainly not with his blood. All he had succeeded in doing by bringing this shit up was to piss me off beyond reason. He'd probably been talking to Charlie again, who Bella – and everybody else, namely my bitch sister-in-law – had successfully turned against me. Nevertheless, what the hell was he thinking telling me to give up the only girl I had ever, and would ever, love? I was beginning to think the old man was turning senile. _Maybe a nursing home for incompetent people was in his near future. _I made a mental note to look into it.

"I told you, I'm not talking about this." I took a moment to stare him down before I turned toward the door again. "You let me know when you're ready to be on _my_ side of things, _Dad._ Maybe you could get Leah to come and clean up this disgusting house, since you seem to think she's so much better than me."

"Jacob!"

That was the last thing I heard – and ignored – before the screen door creaked and slammed back into place.

I was so mad; I didn't even feel the bitter cold air licking and swirling in my face as I stomped to my truck. I did, however, feel the block of ice I sat on, masked as a leather seat. I flipped on the ass-warmer right after the engine roared to life, and peeled out of my dad's decrepit driveway.

Where to go…where to go. Home? To an empty house? Not likely. Bella and the kids were God knew where doing the-hell knew what. I couldn't really, in good conscience, drink myself into oblivion in the middle of the day as much as that appealed to me. Technically, I'd taken the day off to go and help my dad with the house, but since that had turned out just _smashingly_, looked like my office was my new destination. Yes, it was Sunday, but the holiday season was upon us and we were staying open seven days a week whether the ungrateful bastards grumbled around the place or whistled while they worked.

Tried to call Bells. It went straight to voicemail…surprise, surprise. She'd been avoiding my phone calls for days, not to mention the flowers I was spending my hard-earned cash on. Ones that she obviously didn't appreciate. Oh, but when _she_ wanted something – like to lie to the kids and tell them _Mommy and Daddy_ weren't going to be together anymore, and try and lay some bullshit on me like moving out and letting her and the kids have the house (yeah…not) – she was all over me.

Tried to call Vanessa and threw my phone in the floor board when that went straight to voicemail as well. _She_ wasn't talking to me either. Not since the asshole clan made an unnecessary scene in the middle of a nice dinner I was trying to have with her.

_Fucking_ traitors.

I really needed to blow off some steam. I _needed _to get laid, honestly. But since Vanessa was giving me the cold shoulder – not that she'd ever given it up to me anyway – and since Bella's pussy was _obviously_ being occupied by a dick that was _not_ mine, it seemed I was out of options.

I could feel myself getting more and more irritated as I stewed over every wonderful thing going on in my life and drove, trying not to honk and subsequently run over the morons on the road. _Sunday…the shopping day for idiots._ I even tried to occupy my screaming mind by categorizing the banes of my existence in order of most annoying to the least.

Wasn't working.

And, well, wasn't that just a toss-up these days anyway. Trying to figure out what the hell…in my life…pissed me off more. I chuckled humorlessly to myself as I thought about that. My mood these days was far, far over the cliff of annoyed; careening down, down, way past the point of livid, and rushing head-long into the dangerous waters of full-on rage.

What pissed me off the most? The answer I got when I thought about that was: Everything. Every single, solitary, goddamned thing.

Not only did my wife actually think she was leaving me, she'd gone so far as to take my kids and go to her bitch of a sister's house and then refused to take my phone calls. Had Alice screening her calls too, no doubt. It was bullshit and spending time by myself in this big house was making me twitchy. Bella was turning my friends against me…having Sam arrest me on the grounds of what? She was scared of me? Please. I wasn't hurting her. I wasn't going to hurt her and she knew it. So, one drunken night I lost self-control and now I had to pay for it for the rest of my life? Her melodramatics were starting to grate on my very last goddamned nerve.

Oh, and of course to top it all off, she was screwing someone I used to call my friend…behind my back. Who knew for how long? I really just wanted to kill that asshole. Thinking he could just barge into my life and take over _my_ family. Not likely. Cullen had a rude awakening coming to him and soon.

Victoria was in town…to stay. She was getting herself settled and about to start her new job at Chicago General as a trauma nurse, or so she told me. James had hooked her up inadvertently – since the crazy asshole lost his job because of my wife, according to him – through a friend of his at the hospital. Said her name was Janie, or something. I didn't know for sure. Didn't care either. The only thing I cared about was the fact that Victoria was here, and would provide a much needed distraction for a certain home-wrecking piece of shit…and get him the _hell_ away from my wife.

Because she was still my wife. Would always _be_ my wife. _Mine_, not his. He blew his goddamned chance a long time ago, and why she was entertaining this ridiculous idea that she wanted to be with him again was beyond my comprehension. Was she delusional? Maybe so. Again, I didn't care. I'd keep her anyway she was, delusions and all. Hell, if she wanted to pretend I was someone else for the rest of her life, so be it. I wouldn't have been completely satisfied with that, but she was mine, goddamn it, and obviously she was going to have to learn that the hard way.

Edward Cullen was an idiot. He should've known I would keep her and my kids by any means necessary. And I didn't care whether he came out of this situation dead or alive, as long as I had my Bella. James, Victoria's nut-job of a friend and my apparent watch-dog, as I learned in one very unpleasant phone call with him, probably would've been just crazy enough to pull off such a job. I was hard-pressed to admit to myself that the only thing stopping me from requesting such a heinous act as to have my former _friend_ killed was a simple lack of funds. I shook my head, chuckling humorlessly at myself once again.

Was that what I'd turned into? Was that what these people in my life had turned me into? A killer, or rather, a conspirator? In all honesty, I'd rather have killed the asshole myself. More honor in that I suppose. It wasn't like it had never happened in the history of love and love lost. Some of the most notorious murders in history were lamented with that famous phrase…_a crime of passion_. I understood that phrase now and resolved myself with the notion that if Cullen didn't leave my wife alone, well then I just might do away with him myself.

Was I really going to do it? Who knew, but it made me feel better. _So sue me._

I blew through the doors of my office on the south side of Chicago like a hurricane, my foul mood no better, but no worse for wear. Melanie's blond head snapped up from her perch at the receptionist desk in response to my boots scraping against the thin carpet. Her fresh, nineteen-year-old face attempted a flirtatious smile, but my eyes couldn't hold hers long enough. Instead, they shifted down to the tight, perfectly round, fake tits pressed up firmly in her blue cashmere sweater and staring me right in the face.

Had I thought about it? Yeah, plenty, but for one thing, I didn't fuck where I worked. Even _I_ knew that was a dangerous idea. And secondly, she only had green, dollar-sign colored eyes for her sugar daddy. Case in point, a brand new set of knockers to go with her bleach-blonde hair and veneer sheathed smile.

Not that I was interested anyway.

Her smile faltered when I grunted my disdain toward her and her fake appearance, and huffed. My aura seemed to exude a very clear 'do not speak to me' that even her dumb-blonde brain could comprehend as I stomped into my office and slammed the door behind me. I shrugged off my coat and tossed it on one of the chairs opposite my desk, plopping down in my own chair and pressing the heels of my hands into my eye sockets. It was a futile attempt at trying to gain control of myself. I felt a little guilty. Melanie was a good girl, for the most part, and I wasn't usually such a dick to her, but I simply wasn't in the mood for pleasantries.

_Jesus Christ, if Bella would just pick up the goddamned phone when I call… If she would just give me a chance to make things right with her. _This plan of distraction had to work. I was on the edge, hanging on by a quickly fraying thread that was – like me – about to snap. What seemed like mere minutes later, a soft knock sounded at the door, and my right-hand man, Paul, stuck his head in.

"Yo, boss man. I thought you weren't coming in today."

I leveled a cold stare at him and he shoved the door open a little wider, holding his hands up in surrender. "Okay, fine, don't tell me. But, you got a minute?"

I sighed. "Yeah, man, come in. What's up?" He shut the door behind him and plopped down in the chair opposite me, eyeing me with an odd expression. "What?" I asked, a little more annoyed than I wanted to. "Something happen? Are the shipments okay for tomorrow?" I made a move to pick up the phone and call the warehouse, fully prepared to rip someone a new asshole.

"No, everything's fine. The parts are headed out as scheduled, man. Chill."

I narrowed my eyes to a glare. "Then, what? I've got shit to do, Paul."

He returned my glare with a skeptical one of his own. "You're not even supposed to be here today, Jacob."

"So?"

"So, you need to get something off your chest, man?"

I clenched my teeth, biting back a growl. "Did you come in here for a reason, Paul, or just to badger me into talking about my _feelings_? Cut the shit. I'm serious."

He rolled his eyes and smirked. "Fine. I just came in here to give you your phone messages."

I was confused. "Alright, but why are you bringing me my messages and not Melanie. Isn't that her job?"

"Well, seems you scared the ever-loving shit out of her when you came in. The poor girl's too afraid to even knock on your door, so she asked me if I could give them to you. What the hell did you do to her? I doubt I need to remind you that her…_boyfriend_…is loaded and only uses you to buy his auto parts. You at least need to be nice to that one."

"Do _not_ tell me how to run my goddamned business, Paul," I snarled, leaning forward on my desk. His sarcastic grin faltered, but barely enough to notice. He always knew when I wasn't directly pissed at him, and in those cases, he didn't give a shit how much he badgered me. "Besides, she doesn't need to be wearing clothes like _that_ at work. It's inappropriate…and distracting."

His grin widened a little. "Is it now? I hadn't noticed."

"Shut up, Paul. Give me my messages and get the hell out of my office."

"Here!" He slammed the messages down on my desk and sauntered, like the cocky asshole he was, toward the door. "And take some Midol or something. Helps with the bloating and cramping."

"Don't be a smartass right now, Paul. You have no idea what I'm capable of."

He laughed like a hyena, finishing it off with a snort before he disappeared. I shook my head with an irritated sigh before I started shuffling through my messages.

Couple buyers for the parts shipping out tomorrow, no doubt checking to make sure shit was in order. I snorted to myself. Like things weren't _always_ in order with Black Manufacturing. I made sure of that. One from someone simply named "Jim" and a cell number that looked strangely familiar, but I couldn't place. I set that one aside. The last one I came to made my jaw clench tighter and my hands curl into fists, nearly ripping the flimsy little piece of paper to shreds.

Leah Clearwater.

Why the hell was Leah Clearwater calling me at my place of business…twice? _Think about it, dumbass. What better place to catch you off guard than here for some unfinished business, _I chided myself.

The message was crumpled up and tossed in the trashcan before I let myself have a second thought about it. I had more important things to worry about than anything Leah wanted to talk to me about. I palm-scrubbed my face again and stretched my arms out before spending the next hour or so calling the warehouse, meticulously checking on orders for the upcoming week, and then calling buyers to confirm and reassure.

I called Riley Biers, my most lucrative client/buyer so far for more reasons than one – mainly because fate drew me a lucky card in the fact that he was Victoria's cousin and with her help, my plan was set into action – to check on his flight coming in the next day. I also needed to make sure his hotel was booked and ready for him. The damned place was one of the most expensive in all of Chicago, nothing he wasn't used to with the kind of money he was spending on his purchase, but this time it was my treat, along with showing him some of the hotspots in the city. The guy was giving me my life back and I had to pay him back somehow, even if it cost me a hell of a lot of green. And even if he didn't know the real reason behind it.

I mean, for fuck's sake – _sorry, Mom_ – it wasn't like I hadn't seen it. For years I'd seen how Bella would blush furiously and stumble away when I or anyone else mentioned _Edward's_ stupid-ass name. Pathetic, really, to think I couldn't tell she still wanted him. And then there was _him_, that son-of-a-bitch. He'd ask about her, or have one of the other assholes who I thought were my friends ask about her. How was she doing…what was she up to…none of his goddamned business as far as I was concerned. But I talked about her, like an _idiot_, because she was my wife and I loved her…_and_ I didn't want to believe what I suspected. Guess they fooled me, huh? Until I met up with Victoria again by sheer luck. I mentioned my suspicions and bam! They couldn't fool me anymore.

In the middle of my call with the hotel, a soft knock sounded on my office door again. Distracted, and thinking it was Paul again, I hollered at him to just come in already. Imagine my surprise and abhorrence when I realized it wasn't Paul at all, but Leah _goddamned_ Clearwater.

She looked apprehensive. Actually, she _looked_ terrified…as she damn-well should have. I was sure the expression on my face showed I wasn't the slightest bit happy to see her. After the look of complete and utter shock wore off, of course.

"Come in," I muttered as calmly as I could, not wanting to cause a scene in front of the nosy receptionist – who was trying to pretend she wasn't gawking at us – and opened the door wider. Leah rolled her shoulders and nodded. She walked past me into my office, trying to replace her apprehension with a look of determined confidence, which she failed miserably at. When I shut the door a little harder than necessary, I noticed her body tense a little and smiled to myself.

_Yeah, you're on my turf now, and you better not forget that._

"What do you want, Leah?" I said her name with contempt and she spun around to face me, scowling. Her features softened when she saw that my scowl matched her own, and she dropped her hands to her sides, sighing.

"I just came to talk."

I scoffed. "What could we _possibly_ have to talk about now, Leah? Seems you pretty much said it all at Thanksgiving dinner with _my_ family, huh?" I stalked past her and looked out my huge window before turning back to scowl at her some more. She returned my scowl with one of incredulity, her mouth opening and closing like a big mouth bass. That was precisely what she was. Big Mouth. I recalled the night we were together and dragged my tongue across my lips, watching a soft blush bloom across her cheeks. I liked her big mouth that night.

Now? Not so much.

"If you said all that to tip the scales in your favor… If your intentions were to break up my marriage with your _fabrications_, well, you were sadly mistaken." I growled out my words, making her body flinch and her eyes widen. I smiled ruefully, humorlessly.

"That's not what…I never wanted…" she stammered.

"You never wanted what? To have me all to yourself? Another lie!" I took a step toward her and she took one step back, like I was a predator. _And she would be my prey if she pushed one too many of my buttons. She should never have come here today. _

"I'm not lying, Jacob. Not fabricating anything and you know it! Seth is yours." Her words were coming out in breaths as she watched me cautiously, stepping back until she was against the door.

_Nowhere to go now_.

"So you say," I spat. "I don't believe it as easily as everyone else."

"But…he looks just like you." She was shaking her head in disbelief of my denial. I clenched my hands into fists, trying to control the sudden rage I was feeling toward her. The action wasn't lost on her as her eyes darted to my fists then back to my eyes. She knew as well I did that I could tear her in two if I wanted to and briefly, I wanted to.

"I don't see it!" I seethed, stalking toward her. She stiffened even more, but squared her shoulders and looked me right in the eye. I could see a conflict going on as I stopped a mere foot in front of her. Her pupils dilated, constricted, and then dilated again…fear, determination, back to fear.

"He's yours, Jake. I'm not lying."

"Right, Leah." I smirked. "How am I supposed to know how many guys you were with…before and _after_ me? A girl like you? Wouldn't surprise me. You get what you want, when you want it. Isn't that right, _Leah?"_

She shook her head. "No. It was, it was just you…only you, Jake." Her voice cracked and tears welled up in her eyes. Crocodile tears as far as I was concerned.

"I don't believe you, Leah," I said softly, closing the distance between us. Her body began to tremble as she looked up at me. Bingo. She wanted me and she was a lying piece of shit if she didn't admit it.

"It's…i—it's true," she mumbled softly as I pressed my weight into her. Spreading her thighs apart with my knee, I leaned down, brushing my lips over the shell of her ear. She shivered.

"You want me," I whispered.

"No."

"You're lying." I could feel the heat of her on my leg. "Tell me something then." I gripped her chin and pulled her head up until our lips were so close I could almost taste her. "If this kid is mine, and he looks so much like me, why would you bring him around my family, Leah? If you weren't trying to break up my marriage? Did you _not _think people, namely my _fucking wife_ would notice?"

"I, I didn't realize…" she trailed off, gasping when I pressed my thigh into her pussy. I could imagine how wet she was, and her little whimpers were making me hard. I considered it, briefly, but I was too pissed to even think about banging her today. No, this? This was all about control.

"You're so full of shit, Leah, it's sad," I whispered into her ear again, watching her nipples harden through her shirt. I licked her ear and pressed my hard-on into her hip. "You want me all to yourself. You want me to fuck you like I did that night. Don't lie to yourself, and don't lie to me. I _hate_ being lied to, Leah Clearwater." She whimpered again…and I considered it…again.

"Jake, please just stop." Her voice was weak, wavering, and I had no intention of stopping until she admitted what we both knew was the truth.

"Not until you admit that you're wet for me, Leah. I bet you're drenched, aren't you?"

"No. I don't…know, I don't…"

"You don't what? Know what you want? Shocking. Maybe you should've thought of that before you pitifully tried to ruin my life, huh?"

"No," she gasped again as I ran my hands down her sides and gripped her hips hard, grinding my cock into her again. "I…I mean I know what I want."

"Good girl." I grinned against her neck. "I knew you did." I trailed my lips up again to her ear and clenched my teeth, speaking through them in a low growl. "But I want you to speak the words. Just. _Fucking_. Admit it."

That was another thing. I'd been using that word way too often lately, thanks to all the assholes I had to deal with. Yet another reason for my poor mother to roll over in her grave.

"I don't want you." It was barely audible, and I smirked. Pathetic, really. Her attempt to deny what I physically could feel from her. Her skin was practically buzzing with want.

"Liar." I grabbed the back of her head and kissed her hard. Her lips were soft and warm, but not the right shape…not the right plumpness. Not the right lips.

Not the right…anything.

I clenched my jaw again, hit with a wave of guilt strong enough to knock me to my knees. All the things I'd done, all the mistakes I'd made strangling me to the point of suffocation, including the biggest one. His mother's eyes were staring back at me with disdain. In that moment, something shifted and I knew.

_God, what have I done? _

I was so stupid that night.

_So stupid! _

Why did I do it? _Why?_ Realization had me stumbling backward like a drunken bum, away from Leah, away from my problem.

_It's not my fault! She drove me to do it!_ I was warring with myself inside, but I knew I had to make it up to Bella. I had to… She couldn't leave me over this. She still loved me, as I loved her, with every goddamned thing I had in me.

"I don't want you either," I muttered quietly, not even recognizing my own voice.

"Good, because I didn't come here today for this," Leah hissed. She'd apparently collected herself, and the anger in her tone was palpable. It pushed me backward even further. I nodded and turned toward my desk, rummaging through the thin, middle drawer and pulling out the small, rectangular booklet. I grabbed the nearest pen and began scribbling her _fucking_ name on it. "What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm writing you a check," I answered blandly. "How much do you want, Leah?"

"A check? For what?"

"To leave me the hell alone. Now, how…much…do you…_want?" _

She shook her head. "No, Jacob. I don't… I don't want your money."

I ignored her and continued writing. "Five thousand? Sounds good to me." I finished it, scribbled my signature and stalked over to her, holding it out impatiently. "I'll send you more later…maybe." She just looked at me, shaking her head. "Take it!"

"No. I said I don't want it!"

The bitch was successfully pissing me the hell off with every second she stayed in my goddamned office.

"Then what the hell do you want, _Leah?_ If I believe that you don't want me…which I _don't_, by the way, and you don't want my money. Why. The hell. Are. You. Here?"

"I thought, well, I just thought that we could talk about Boo-Boo, um, I mean, Seth…"

"What _about_ him?" My goddamned patience was nonexistent at this point.

"I mean…" She wrung her hands and shuffled her feet.

"Spit it the hell out, Leah. I don't have all goddamned day."

"He, h—he needs a, um, a f—father. A man in his life, so I just thought—"

_What?_

"What?" I cut her off because was she kidding me? This conniving _woman_ had officially…

Lost her…

Goddamned…

Mind.

I stopped for a minute, contemplating my next words carefully. Finally, I settled on telling her in a way she'd understand. "No can do, sweetheart."

Her mouth fell open. "What?"

_Christ almighty, she can't be that stupid._

"Assuming you were talking about me being the _father-_figure," I air-quoted, "to a kid that you _claim _to be mine, and furthermore, who doesn't even know me, therefore putting my marriage at even _more _risk. I gotta say no. I mean, I've already got kids, Leah, who actually need my attention. And you've got your dad…and your brother. Go find another dude to play _daddy_, and leave me the hell alone." I shrugged.

Her expression changed from dumbfounded to pissed-the-hell-off in about half a second. _'Cause I know that particular emotion quite goddamned well, thank you very much._

"You're an asshole…and delusional," she hissed, glaring daggers. Wasn't going to change anything.

"I've been called worse," I retorted. "But delusional? I think not. Unlike you, _Leah_, I know what's real and what's not."

She stalked over to me and, initially I thought she was going to slap me or something. Not that it fazed me or anything. But instead, she grabbed the check I was holding and looked at it. "You are delusional, Jake," she said, still staring at the check. "At first I thought… But then I realized what kind of man you are." She looked up at me. "You think I haven't talked to Sam? You think I don't _know_ the things you've done to Bella…to your marriage? I just stupidly thought maybe you'd be a man for once in your life and own up to your responsibilities. Your marriage was over anyway, Jake. With or without me. _Your fault."_ She proceeded to rip the check in half and tossed it on _my_ office floor. "But I don't. Want. Your. Fucking. _Money!"_

I looked at her for a minute, letting what she said sink in. And then I got…

Mother.

Fucking.

Pissed.

_Sorry, Mom._

"Get out," I growled, low and threatening. She flinched, because the look on my face? Lethal.

"What? Wait, Jake, I…didn't mean…please…Seth needs…"

_Yeah. Go ahead and backtrack now, Bitch. _

About that time, my cell vibrated on my desk, but I ignored that shit. _Waaaaaaaaaay_ too annoyed to even think about answering a business call at the moment.

"Sam's a follower; a _yes-man._ Always has been. Mr. _Perfect_." I snarled. "But he doesn't know as much as he _thinks _he knows. He's always been jealous of me." How _dare _he tell her _any-_goddamned-_thing _about my life with Bella. Did he not see I was trying to keep my family together? Did that son-of-a-bitch _not _see what Bella had done to _me _also? Seriously.

Everyone could bend over and kiss. My. Ass.

"And obviously," I continued, "he's as much of a liar as you are, Leah. He doesn't know shit about my marriage other than what people have told him. We both know you shouldn't believe everything people tell you, isn't that right, _Leah? _Leave." And…wow…she just continued to stare at me, deer-in-the-headlights or some shit, brainless, nonetheless. My cell vibrated one more time and I picked it up, more or less to distract myself from entertaining the idea of laying this chick out.

_And by 'laying' out, I mean the goddamned unconscious kind…not the…never mind._

"I said get OUT. Now."

Nothing. Did she go deaf all of a goddamned sudden?

I checked who the call had been from, and seethed a little bit more in seeing it had been from Bella. "You're wasting my time, Leah. You see this?" I held the phone up. "My _wife_ just called me and I missed the call from my _wife_, who obviously still wants to _talk_ to me, because of _you_."

"Yeah right." She scoffed. "Doesn't mean she still wants you, Jacob. You're such an idiot."

"I'm an idiot because I've put up with your ass too long today." I shook my head at her. "Go find some other schmuck to be your _baby-daddy._ I've got things to do. Like calling my wife back, for starters."

"Fuck YOU, Jacob Black!"

I chuckled and tilted my head to the side. "Been there, done that, and I gotta be honest. It wasn't that great." She gasped and clenched her hands into fists, but it did nothing to deter me. "If you were nicer, though, I might've considered it. Seeing as though you're just a bitch looking to ruin my life…I'll have to pass. Now, get the FUCK OUT!" I roared.

She jumped and grabbed for the door handle. But of course, my temper didn't stop her from spitting out, "You'll…you'll hear from my attorney, you asshole!"

"Goodie." I gritted my teeth. "OUT!" Finally, she left. Jesus Christ, I thought I was gonna have to physically pick her ass up and toss her out the door. I just stood there for a few minutes, stewing over this bullshit. I let out a frustrated growl and raked my hands over my face as I walked over to the door that Leah'd left wide-goddamned-open. "Melanie!" I shouted, even though she was sitting twenty feet away. She jumped up out of her chair and turned to me, wide-eyed and trembling.

"Y—yes, Mr. Black?"

"Hold. My. Calls." She nodded quickly. "And next time I have messages, I expect YOU to bring them to me! Paul's busy. Got it?" She nodded again and I didn't even wait to see her waterworks start. I slammed the door. Hard. And slammed my fist against it. "SHIT!"

I took a few moments…paced around my office…picked up my phone…put it back down again…several times…just trying to calm myself enough to call Bella back. I really didn't need to lose my shit and deal with more female drama today. Hell no. When I finally decided to call her back, after the pounding in my head subsided a little, I picked up my phone. I did notice I had a voicemail, but decided not to listen to it.

I should have.

Because then, I would've been prepared for the shit-storm she handed to me once I got her on the phone.

"Hello?" _Wonderful_, she sounded exactly how I felt.

"Hey Bells!" I tried to sound chipper. "How are y—"

"Hold on," she interrupted me. Very goddamned rudely, I might add. That was when I heard some muffled voices that sounded like the twins and then, "Be nice to Edward."

Edward.

_Edward? _

She was kidding me, right? She had to be _fucking_ kidding me with this shit! _Sorry, Mom._

She had my kids…_my_ kids…and they were all just _hanging out_ with Edward-cock-sucking-Cullen.

_Fan…TASTIC._

But I decided to be coy. Act dumb. "Bella, who was that? Who are you with?" Because if I didn't _act_ like I wasn't ten shades of pissed-the-hell-off, then she would _know_ I was instantly ten. Shades. Of Goddamned. Pissed. Off.

"Nobody, Jake!" Nice. Okay, fine. So it was possible that, by the tone of her voice, Bella may have perhaps surpassed me on the whole 'ten shades of pissed off' thing. Although I'd never quite heard this level of pissed off coming out of her. It was in her tone…shaky, almost panicked, but I could almost taste the venom. And it did not taste good, let me just stress that. Well, I couldn't blame her for the anxiety. I mean she _was_ with Edward Cull—

"It's pretty fucking obvious to me that you're low enough to have some crazy piece of shit following me around, Jake, but I never thought you'd stoop this low!"

"What? Bella, what are you—"

"I was at the park today, with the kids, but you probably already know that!" Alright now this, I didn't really appreciate that much. Yes, I'd had someone following her around…actually, _Victoria_ had someone following her around, but that asshole was only supposed to let me know when she was with Cullen and _not_ let himself be seen and definitely _not_, for the love of all secret covert operations in the world, interact with her. But of course, this guy, James, didn't necessarily walk to the beat of everyone else's drum, now did he? Besides that, I didn't appreciate her tone anymore.

"Nope, but now I do, and it sounds to me like you had a little tag-along, huh Bells?" I heard her huff. The chipper tone I had when I first called was diminishing at an alarming rate. I couldn't help it. "So now you're letting my kids just hang around _him_ and you while you're playing your little girlfriend/boyfriend routine?"

"Shut up, Jacob! It's none of your business what I do!"

_Oh, here we go. _I'd had about enough of this shit. "When it comes to my kids, it's sure as shit my business, Bells!"

"Oh really? Really, Jake? Is it your business to have some _motherfucking psycho_ try to kidnap your own daughter, _Jake_?"

I wondered if she knew how trashy she made herself sound talking like that. "Jesus, Bells, your language is…" And then it hit me, what she said. "Wait, _what?_ Someone tried to—"

"YES! Someone tried to take Krissy, Jake! Like you don't know that."

_Can I get a word in, here?_ "I don't!"

"Right, that's why the douchebag you have following me around _told_ our daughter he was going to take her to see her _daddy!" _

"WHAT? Bella, I don't know what you're ta—"

"Don't even give me that shit, Jacob! Who is it? 'Cause it sure as shit isn't Sam. Is it another cop? Is it…is it J—James?"

_Whoa! Hold the hell up, here. How…what the… Someone…tried to take… James…tried to… _

Take.

My.

Little girl?

Holy shit. I mean, I couldn't necessarily say, _Why yes, Bella, actually it is James. You know, the guy you have a restraining order against because he allegedly tried to attack you and, for which, you got him fired. Let me just add that I'm pretty much believing that he actually did attack you after this bull-goddamned-shit. _Could I?

Talk about the hammer dropping, right down on top of my head. SHIT.

"Bella, I swear to you I didn't—"

"I. Don't. _Believe. _You!" she shouted. Great. This was not the way I'd seen this phone call going. "Do you have any idea what that was like for me? Do you even give a shit? I thought I'd lost her forever!" Her voice cracked and felt my heart start to pound in my chest because I'd kill anybody that… No, I couldn't go there. I was pacing again, squeezing the phone and hoping it wouldn't break in my grasp, 'cause I really didn't need that shit to worry about right now. I started to try and console her, soothe her somehow. Until… "Thank God Edward _was_ there to help me find her…calm me down! I swear to God Jake…"

"Oh yeah, he's a real PEACH!" I pulled the phone away from my ear and clenched my teeth, squeezing my eyes shut and trying to breathe evenly with my other hand balled into a tight fist. Suspicions confirmed, I felt my grasp on sanity slipping. What next? Were they gonna just move in together and play house with my goddamned kids? I couldn't help the acid that spewed out in my next sentence. "What, were you too busy making out with him to keep an eye on your kids, _Bells?_ How is this my fault that _you_ almost lost my daughter today? Maybe you should pay more attention to them than you do your _boyfriend!" _

"I WASN'T DOING THAT, YOU SON-OF-A-BITCH!"

And that was when I heard the sobs start. And that was when I felt like an asshole. Only a little bit, though, because she probably _should_ have been watching her better. Shit. Time for groveling. I really didn't want her this upset around the kids. Even though they were being subjected to that ass-goddamned-hole, Cullen.

"Bells…I'm sorry," I said, trying to keep my voice steady…rein in the hate. "Is she okay? I swear to you on my life that I had nothing to do with this. I swear to you."

Silence. Lovely.

"Bells? I'm sorry I said that. You're a…" I grimaced, even though she couldn't see me. "You're a good mom, I know that. It's just that…I hate _him_. His intentions are not what—"

"Yeah?" Tears stopped, fury returned. God…_damn_. "Well, you better tell that motherfucker if he ever…and I mean EVER comes near my kids again, I will shoot him in the fucking pencil dick he has, and then in the face. You got it?"

"Bells, I told you, I don't know—"

"GOT IT?"

_Jesus, this woman was hell on wheels when she wanted to be. _

"Yeah…sure, sure…I got it." I bit back the sarcasm I wanted to insert here. And as soon as I said that, she hung up on me. I stared at the phone for a few minutes before I tossed it on the chair, grabbed a handful of hair and walked over to the nearest wall, grinding my forehead into it and trying not to unleash a string of curse words loud enough to rattle the entire building. I started thinking about Krissy and nearly fell to my knees. I would die if something happened to one of my kids. Die. Bella had to know that. She had to know that I wouldn't have asked anyone…even someone I trusted…to do that to her. I hadn't heard from James, so I didn't know if… And anyway, why would he have tried to take my little girl? If he had, I swore I would…

And then I remembered one of the messages that Paul had handed me.

From 'Jim.' And the familiar, yet unfamiliar phone number.

I grabbed my phone and searched my desk for the message, which had gotten knocked to the floor during the Leah debacle earlier. I studied it for a few seconds, turning it around in my fingers a few times…like an idiot…and then dialed the number. I didn't get any pleasantries. I didn't even get a proper greeting when the line was answered. And I knew immediately upon hearing his voice that it was the psycho.

"Took you long enough to call me back, _Jacob Black."_ He said my name like it was a disease on his tongue. Knowing this guy…or even not knowing him…there probably _was_ a disease on his tongue. I shuddered.

"Yeah, well, I've been busy today, _James_ whatever your last name is." His name held the same disgust as mine had.

"Oh, I'm sure." He chuckled. "Looks like you may have just gotten your ass reamed by the little Mrs., huh?"

Seriously. What an asshole. Obviously he was still on her tail today.

"Well, I guess you're thorough, aren't you," I practically snarled. I just couldn't stop thinking about this twat trying to snatch up my little girl. I tried to control it to no avail as the prick's chuckling turned into incessant laughing. "Tell me something, _dickwad_… You try and kidnap my daughter today? Because if you did…" I stopped, because what difference was it going to make with this guy?

"_Kidnap?_ That's kind of a harsh word. Don't ya think, _Jake?" _

"If the shoe fits," I retorted hatefully. I made a mental note to let Victoria know _again_, just how much I hated this asshole friend of hers.

"Let's get one thing straight." His tone changed from amused to ominous suddenly. "You're paying _me_ to follow _her_ around and thus ultimately help you in getting her back…not that you deserve it. Am I correct?"

Don't think I didn't hear that last part of his bullshit statement, even though he said it barely audibly, but I ignored it for now and grunted my response.

"Speaking of which, I think I deserve some 'good faith' pay, don't you?"

_What?_

"What?"

"Don't play dumb, Black. I know you gave Victoria a nice little chunk of change when she got into town…and I know you're gonna be taking that little bastard cousin of hers all around town, wining and dining, if you know what I mean, and I'm feeling a little left out here." The amusement was back. _Such_ an asshole, this guy.

"First of all," I seethed. "Victoria's got a big goddamned mouth. Secondly, she was _supposed_ to give you half of what I gave her. The money's not the issue right now, James. You need to stay away from my kids."

He laughed.

Again.

"Oh, it very much is the issue. See, that's the problem with putting your faith in untrustworthy gold diggers like Victoria, you idiot. And it's not like I was _really_ going to take your precious little girl…"

"Then what…" I started, but was quickly interrupted. Honestly, what the hell was it with people not letting me get a word in edgewise today?

"Don't interrupt me, Black! I wasn't going to take her today, but I could have, had I really wanted to. If I don't get my money, I can make that happen. Have you got my fucking message, _partner_?" His voice was chilling, calculated and eerily calm, and it made the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end.

"Loud and clear," I all but whispered. I hated that this bastard had me by the balls.

"Of course, we could always just call it quits," he continued. "I mean if you'd seen what _I_ saw…" Then the son-of-a-bitch trailed off, like he was holding some huge secret back. _Guess what. _It pissed me the hell off and I felt every muscle in my body clench with rage.

"What? What did you see? You better _fucking_ tell me, James!" I hissed.

"Calm down, good buddy," he mocked me. "Just seems you've been replaced in a big way, if you catch my drift."

Son-of-a…mother…fuck! _Sorry, Mom._

I spouted off a string of rage-induced curse words at the mental images that assaulted my brain of Bella with _him_ and paced around my office. This was, of course, enhanced by the fact that _James_ found this shit funny as hell.

"You know what, James? It doesn't really help me when you bring this shit to my ATTENTION after the fact. You couldn't have called me AT. THE. TIME?" I was yelling and spitting on my goddamned cell phone.

"Listen, _motherfucker_. If you know what's good for you, you'll watch your tone with me."

Ten times out of ten, I wasn't scared of anyone…or anything, but in that moment, something in his tone sent a chill down my spine and had me acquiescing immediately. When he realized I was no longer freaking the hell out, he chuckled.

"Speaking of advanced warning, I have some information you might be interested in knowing, _partner_, but it's gonna take a little monetary advance if you catch my fucking drift."

I agreed, and then waited. Patiently. Until I thought my head was going to explode. Literally. Finally, he explained to me that his friend Janie, or whatever, from the hospital told him her cousin, Felix, or whatever, had just gotten a job as a bouncer at Moonstruck. I cringed thinking of that place and what had transpired there what seemed like forever ago. Apparently this Felix, or _what-goddamn-ever_ had been excited about some band playoff thing, or something, at the club coming up in a week.

"So? What's that got to do with me? Specifically, what's it got to do with me and Bella?"

"Well, I dunno. Papa needs a new pair of motherfucking shoes, Black," he deadpanned. "You pay up? I'll sing like a birdy."

And so I did. I paid that son-of-a-bitch enough to get him to tell me that _Janie_ had oh, so nonchalantly eavesdropped on a phone conversation between Doctor Carlisle Cullen and his wife, Esme about Edward _cock-sucking _Cullen's band reuniting for said band playoff at said club.

_Oh Jesus. She wouldn't be that stupid,_ I mused to myself. Going out in public with him? With people she knew? And then I remembered the goddamned park-date she had with him…and _our_ kids. _Shit! She is that stupid. _

~*fOrSaKeN*~

The following week, I was reminded of just how stupid my wife was – and a shitty liar to boot – when she called me up, playing nice and asking if I wanted to take the kids a night early instead of the usual Saturday pickups we'd arranged since she _left_ me. Which, by the way, pissed me right off to even think about.

I asked her what she was doing and she stuttered for a few seconds before she blurted out that she and Alice, the bitch, were having a – and I quote – _girls night out._ Right. I'd just fallen off the goddamned turnip truck, hadn't I? I declined, saying I had to work late, and that I'd see the kids on Saturday per the usual. Soon as I hung up with her dumb ass, I called Victoria and Riley to get the plan in action. Riley was oblivious, thinking we were just going to hang out for drinks and check out the local up and coming bands, but Victoria knew the deal.

Distractions, distractions…they were a wonderful thing.

That was Victoria's job. Distract the asswipe trying to steal my wife long enough for me to get Bells far, _far_ away from him. I mean, hell, he'd fallen for it once before, and I had confidence in my old _friend_ that he'd fall for it once again.

By the time we reached the club that night, I was already in a piss-poor mood. Not only did Victoria keep Riley and me waiting, earlier that day I was caught off guard by an asshole in a courier outfit. Turned out the packet contained none other than a Petition for Dissolution of _goddamned_ Marriage.

I couldn't believe she'd actually gone through with it. The words that came out of my mouth were enough to scare the shit out of my entire office staff, including poor Melanie, who broke down in tears. Not to mention, there was a hole the size of my fist on my office wall, which I now had to worry about repairing before I entertained any more potential clients in there. _Fantastic._

When I pulled into my driveway, I encountered a car I didn't recognize. A little weasel-looking dude jumped out of it, asked my name and when I confirmed, shoved yet another package into my hands. The prick jumped back into his piece of shit and sped off before I had a chance to strangle him just to make myself feel better. The new package? A goddamned Order for Child Support from none other than Leah _bitch-ass_ Clearwater.

I threw that shit in the trash.

Screw.

Her.

I didn't have time for that bullshit. The illegitimate thorn in my side was just going to have to wait.

As Victoria, Riley and I walked up to the doors of Moonstruck, the line was still ridiculously long and the natives seemed to be getting restless. The guys were trying to act cool, as if they weren't freezing their balls off, and the ladies were huddled up in their coats, bare legs exposed to the frigid cold and faces scrunched up as the bitter wind licked at their skin. I cursed to myself because I hated waiting in line for anything. I didn't see Bella as I scanned the crowd outside, so I could only assume she was already in there…with _him_. I needed to get in there.

Victoria shot me a knowing smirk and a wink as she sauntered past the poor freezing bastards, one arm linked through mine, the other linked through Riley's, straight to the doors. Girls hissed in her direction and the men – whether they were with said girls or not – were openly gaping at her tight ass in a red leather mini skirt and outrageously high stilettos. The bitch knew she was as hot as she was ten years ago and she used it to her full advantage.

The bouncer waiting for us at the door, holding the velvet rope and eyeing Victoria like he was a tiger staring at a fresh steak, was…_Jesus Christ, he was huge. _Had to be well over seven-foot tall and just massive. I was pretty sure the dude had his own zip code for shit's sake. Victoria pursed her bright red lips and gave the Herman Munster-looking dude a wink for good measure and cocked her head to the side, looking up at him and oozing sex from every pore of her body.

"You must be Felix," she purred. The guy was a goner instantly. His mouth popped open and he cleared his throat a couple times, trying to avert his eyes from her low-cut blouse and perky tits. Yeah, they were nice. _Not gonna lie._

"You Victoria?" he asked with a slight quirk of the eyebrow. I chuckled to myself, because the dude _sounded _like Herman Munster too.

"The one and only." She smiled wickedly. I watched the guys Adam's apple bob and rolled my eyes. The vixen act was annoying as hell to me. Unfortunately, it wasn't really an act. "You're so much _bigger_ than I imaged from your cousin's description." Her voice was pure seduction. Hell, even _my_ dick was getting a little hard listening to it. I could only imagine the discomfort she was putting this poor guy through.

"You know Janie?" he asked lightly.

"We have a mutual friend," she purred, to which Felix nodded. "This is my cousin Riley," she gestured toward him, "and this Jacob Black. He's come to retrieve something that belongs to him." She smirked as Felix nodded toward Riley, then me, eyeballing me for a moment. "Have you seen the woman I described to you on the phone?" He nodded again.

Articulate, this one was.

"Yeah, she's here. I'm pretty sure it's her. She's, uh, with one of the guys from a band we have booked tonight, Eclipse."

I felt myself bristle immediately and balled my hands into fists, clenching my jaw so tightly I thought it might snap in half. Sensing my agitation, Felix eyeballed me again.

"Hey man, you better keep the fists of fury at bay," he warned me with an eyebrow raise. I sucked in a breath, ready to let this asshole have it, jolly green goddamned giant or not, when Victoria squeezed my arm with her own, warning me in her own way.

"Oh, he'll be fine," she said, smooth as honey. "It's those guys in that band you might want to keep an eye on. I hear they like to fight." As Felix's eyes widened in surprise, she pulled my arm again and whispered in my ear as I bent down a little. "Keep your shit together." Felix nodded again, _duh_, and waved us into the club, much to the dismay of the other potential patrons who pissed and moaned their protests. Victoria turned back to the ogre just before we entered. "See ya in here, Felix. You help us out tonight and I will be very…" She licked her lips and glanced at his crotch. "…_grateful."_ Then she winked at him again, and I swore I could hear a whimper come out of the tough guy's mouth.

"You are such a whore, Victoria," I chided with a chuckle, shaking my head once we found our way inside.

"Shut the fuck up, Black," she retorted with her wicked grin. "I got us in, didn't I? That's more than I can say for your aggressive ass. Besides, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. And I'm a nurse now, fuck you very much."

_Yeah, and you're a fire crotched bitch too. _

"Hey, Vickie, what were you talking about out there?" Riley asked innocently. Yeah, it was a dick move to bring him completely unaware of the _situation_, but he was a big enough guy, I figured I could use his muscle if shit went down with cock-sucker Cullen and gang.

"Oh, nothing, Ri. Why don't you go and get us a round of drinks and we'll look for a table," she replied so sweet it made my teeth hurt. He nodded and I noticed him look at me out of the corner of my eye as I scanned the club for my wife.

"Jacob?"

"Oh, uh, bourbon, man. Straight up," I answered. "Thanks." And went back to scanning the crowd incessantly. For what felt like a year, I searched and searched, not seeing anyone I recognized. Finally, after the third or fourth round of drinks – _who's counting_ – I turned to Victoria with a huff of annoyance. We'd listened to at least three bands play, and there was still no sign of them.

"Goddamn it, Victoria. I don't see them! If she's not here, I'm gonna be so—"

"Chill the fuck out, Jacob, she's here. She's probably just back stage with the guys right now."

A feral snarl ripped through my teeth and my hands balled into fists. Victoria smirked and I wanted to wipe that shit right off her smug face.

"Well, if I wouldn't have had to wait on _you_ and your little fuck session with _James_, we might have gotten here a little earlier and gotten this shit over with!"

She shrugged. "What can I say? He knows how to welcome a girl to town."

"Whore," I muttered through clenched teeth.

"Fuck you, Jacob," she spat with an eye roll.

"No thanks," I spat back. "I'm taking a fucking walk. I gotta piss."

"Yeah? Well, you're missin' out!" Victoria called after me as I stalked off. _Dime store slut._

I continued to scan the crowd as I walked to the restroom. I was feeling twitchy and irritable as all hell. Knowing she was here somewhere with _him _not being able to see her, find her, take her ass away from him at the moment was eating away at my brain like a goddamned parasite. When I got back to our table and let yet another bourbon burn its way down my throat, I heard them announce cock-sucking Cullen's band. I made a move to jump from the table, but Victoria grabbed my forearm and looked at me pointedly, shaking her head.

I groaned and slammed my ass back onto the high-top chair with a huff, like a scolded child, and glared at the asshole patrol on stage. I listened to them play a couple songs. They sucked ass. It made me want to vomit, honestly, and when I heard a loud cat-call and saw Emmett – that dicktwat – point, saying something about sexy ladies, I followed his extended arm to a table full of…

There she was.

And _goddamn it_, she looked amazing. I couldn't believe how incredibly gorgeous she looked. It wasn't like I hadn't seen her recently, but I definitely hadn't seen her like _that_. She had this general glow about her and the biggest smile on her face that made the room light up. I couldn't help but smile myself, until my brain took control again, shaking the shit out of me and making me realize…she wasn't smiling at me like that. She was smiling at _him _like that. I made to stand up again to go and get her, but Victoria stopped me. _Again_. I was about to kill this bitch if she didn't let me just go get my wife already.

"Jake, listen to me," she whispered in my ear. "It's probably best to wait until they're leaving and grab her. I'll distract Edward long enough for you to leave." I nodded, grinding my teeth and throwing back some more liquor as Victoria sipped on her Patron. Straight. Patron.

But, when that _asshole_ sang some sappy bullshit love song debacle to Bella, I had to go outside for a few minutes. Of all the unbelievable, fucking ridiculous, asinine _bullshit_… I swore right then and there, I was gonna rip the motherfucker's head off his shoulders. I paced in the arctic _fucking_ weather and pulled at my _fucking_ hair until I wanted to _fucking_ scream. _I can't apologize this time, Mom._

When I finally made it back inside, their gay-ass band wasn't playing anymore. I looked over at their table and started counting heads. I saw a girl with mousy brown curls – Bella's friend, Jessica – sitting next to (I had to chuckle) the weasel punk I knocked the shit out of last time we were here. I saw Garrett Donovan snuggling up to - holy shit, was that Tanya Denali? As in, Cullen's ex-girlfriend, Tanya Denali? Jesus, these people were fucked up. I saw Emmett, the dumbass, picking up a girl that was – wow – stunning, and kissing her. My eyes stopped on that one for a while. She was gorgeous, and reminded me of Vanessa, only a little bit taller. My Ness was a little thinner than her also—

_Focus, goddamn it._

I saw my bitch-of-a-goddamned sister-in-law sitting on the lap of none other than Jasper "the gentleman" Whitlock (barf) and sticking her tongue so far down his throat, she could probably taste his dinner. Fucking gross. But, no Bella…and no cock-sucking Cullen.

"I don't see Bella. Where did she go?" I turned to Victoria, who looked at me a little cross-eyed. _That's enough Patron, bitch._ I took her drink and slammed it on the table, seething. "You were supposed to keep an eye on her, Victoria! He probably fucking LEFT with her or something. GODDAMN IT!"

"Jesus, quit whining like a bitch," Victoria slurred. _Not so sexy anymore, are we?_ "She's probably on the dance floor or something." She waved me off.

Oh. Hell. No.

"Oh, that's just GREAT, Victoria!" I turned and stormed toward the dance floor, a half-drunk and completely useless Victoria right on my tail. I stopped dead in my tracks, Victoria running smack dab into the back of me, when I saw them.

And suddenly, the entire club melted away. Only three people remained…me, Bella, and _him_, and I was shaking with rage from the top of my head to the soles of my feet. There was a ringing in my ears, my heart was slamming against my ribcage, my lips were curled into a nasty snarl and my eyes were boring holes into the head of the motherfucker that had his arms around _my wife_ from behind. She looked so serene and peaceful with her eyes closed and her head leaned back on his shoulder, it made me want to vomit on the spot. All I could do was stare…and seethe…and stare…and rage within myself.

"Jake, what… Oh," Victoria said as she came around and saw what I was looking at. I started to make a move and she tugged on my arm.

"WHAT?" I roared at her. Unfortunately it was barely audible over the music.

"Okay, fine," she conceded. "We're doing this now, then. Don't worry about Edward. I'll get a hold of him quickly. You just get _her_ and go." I could hear the distaste in the way she said _her_, but I couldn't stop to kick a bitch's ass over it.

"Yep," I stated mechanically with a nod, and pushed my way through the crowd, focused on one thing.

Getting _my_ wife.

* * *

_***Chapter end notes: *cringes* Are you gathering your pitch forks and torches? Hopefully for Jacob and not me…right? *laughs nervously* Well, um, at least he cares about his kids, right? *SMH* Okay, yeah, he's a complete and utter dick. Now, NEXT chapter, I promise, will be right where Docward left off. Aaaaaaaaaaaand, I'm working on it. **_

_**I'm also working on an outtake for the reviewers of this chapter. I don't have it done, BUT, I have a 4 day weekend, so… I promise I'll get it to whoever leaves me love (or not love). It's Bella's pov of the lovin' in the restroom before the concert. **_

_**I hope everyone has an amazing New Year! And, yep, I'm still gonna be working on this monster in 2012. **_

_**One more thing… I'm posting the story I wrote and submitted to the Our Season of Discontentment contest, "At Any Moment." Sadly, it didn't place at all, but meh, I guess I'll share it will y'all. Look for it soon. Author-alert me if you want to be reminded that way. **_

_**Until next time… *smooches***_


	53. Chapter 49, Raise Your Weapon and Collid

**Forsaken in My Mind's Past  
Chapter 49, "Raise Your Weapon and Collide" ~ Deadmau5 feat. Greta Svabo Bech / Howie Day  
**Bella's POV

_***A/N: The usual apologies, it's been a while. Amazing reviews last chapter. I can't thank you enough…best readers ever!**_

_**THEsnapcrakklepop and fmneff are the best betas on the planet. As usual, they own me. **_

_**Long playlist on this one, and I did a little mash-up for the title. **_

_**dhdirector- Honey, this one's for you. **_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight; I just take the characters and twist them relentlessly 'til they break. Don't own the songs either, but they're amazeballs and Jeff Buckley's rendition of Hallelujah is hauntingly beautiful. **_

**Song Link(s): Raise Your Weapon - www . youtube . com/watch?v=IxGgdjq_zHo  
Collide - www . youtube . com/watch?v=Yk9G7OyKwLM  
Hallelujah (Jeff Buckley) - www . youtube . com/watch?v=q4JqBrC-EAM  
That's What She Said (100 Monkeys) - www . youtube . com/watch?v=Kck2FZnSM-Y  
Addicted (Saving Abel) - www . youtube . com/watch?v=s3ukwdvz6Y4  
Bad Things (Jace Everett) - www . youtube . com/watch?v=p0zAPzweZFw  
I Was Broken (Robert Pattinson/Marcus Foster) - www . youtube . com/watch?v=4XvgUp1csUA**

* * *

"_Rippin' my heart was so easy, so easy. Launch your assault now, take it easy.  
Raise your weapon, raise your weapon. One word and it's over._

_**The dawn is breaking. A light shining through. You're barely waking, and I'm tangled up in you.  
I'm open, you're closed. Where I follow, you'll go. I worry I won't see your face light up again.**_

_Rippin' through like a missile. Rippin' through my heart. Rob me of this love.  
Raise your weapon, raise your weapon, and it's over._

_**Even the best fall down sometimes; even the wrong words seem to rhyme.  
Out of the doubt that fills my mind, I somehow find you and I…collide.**_

_Love your ego, you won't feel a thing. Always number one, the pen with the bent wrist crooked king.  
Sign away our peace for your war. One word and it's over. _

_**I'm quiet you know. You make a first impression. I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind.**_

_Dropping your bombs now on all we've built. How does it feel now to watch it burn, burn, burn?  
Raise your weapon, raise your weapon, and it's over._

_**Even the best fall down sometimes; even the stars refuse to shine.  
Out of the back you fall in time. I somehow find you and I…collide.**_

_Rippin' my heart was so easy, so easy. Launch your assault now, take it easy.  
Raise your weapon, raise your weapon. One word and it's over. _

_**Don't stop here. I've lost my place. I'm close behind. **_

_Rippin' through like a missile. Rippin' through my heart. Rob me of this love.  
Raise your weapon, raise your weapon, and it's over. _

_**Even the best fall down sometimes; even the wrong words seem to rhyme.  
Out of the doubt that fills my mind, you finally find you and I…collide. **_

_Dropping your bombs now, on all we've built. How does it feel to watch it burn, burn, burn?  
Raise your weapon, raise your weapon, and it's over._

_**Finally find, you and I collide. You finally find, you and I…collide."  
**_

* * *

Jacob was hit with a force I couldn't even fathom. One minute he was standing in front of me, trying to make me leave with him as I argued and pushed him away. The next, he was just…gone.

_You know that scene in the first Final Destination movie, where the blonde chick steps out onto the street in all her snide, narcissistic glory? Only to get slammed by an oncoming, speeding bus and splattered into oblivion? _

Yeah. It was pretty much like that.

I was so angry with him. A familiar feeling when it came to Jake these days, but this time, I was livid…_pissed_ that he came here, on this amazing night I had planned to spend with Edward, and tried to exert some kind of authority he no longer had over me. I told him as much, in so many words. Told him I didn't want to be with him anymore, that he couldn't make me do _anything_ I didn't want to do, that I was with the man I really wanted to be with. But do you think he would listen?

Of _course_ not.

When my brain finally caught up with my surroundings, I turned my head to see Jacob picking himself up off the floor near the back wall of the club, ever so slowly, and staggering to his feet. I frowned in confusion and that was when I saw him.

Edward.

He was glowering at me in a way that was almost detached. Only this wasn't the Edward I knew and loved with every part of me, body and soul. This…_this_ was some_thing_ entirely different. This was something feral with wild, rage-filled eyes that seemed literally aflame in the darkness, hands curled into fearsome fists at his sides, flared nostrils and a face twisted into a mask of fury so great, only one word came to my mind.

_Danger_.

It scared the living shit out of me and, as he took two large strides in my direction, I instinctively recoiled, stepping backward. His face shifted suddenly into one of horror and concern, and I felt my body ease if only slightly. He closed the distance between us rapidly and wrapped his protective arms around me, squeezing so hard I almost lost my breath.

"Are you alright?" he whispered, his breath caressing my ear, calming me. But there was an enormous amount of tension in his voice.

"Yeah," I nodded. "I—I think so." I pulled back to look at him. "Edward, let's just…let's just go." There was desperation to my tone. "Please," I pleaded with him.

"Why is he here?" he growled out on another breath and I shook my head.

"I don't know. I didn't tell him any—"

Suddenly Edward's right arm was wretched from around me, and he was spun with so much vigor that I stumbled backward, gasping.

"Get your hands _off_ my wife, you son-of-a-bitch!" Jacob snarled. "She's _mine_ and she's going home with me!"

I was instantly disgusted, repulsed by the man I'd been married to up to this point and I seethed. He knew damned good and well that I wasn't his anymore, especially since he received the divorce papers today. I didn't get a chance to vehemently disagree with him, though. My anger was replaced in an instant with the horror I felt just seconds before as Edward's left arm swung around and clothes-lined Jacob in the neck. Jake dropped to his knees on contact.

"FUCK YOU!" Edward roared as Jake got to his feet once again. "I will kill you." The smile that suddenly adorned Edward's beautiful face was not a smile at all. It was dark…purposeful…sinister. Terror wrecked me, nearly buckling my knees as I tried to get my voice to work. I needed to tell him to stop. _Stop!_ _Jake's not worth it!_ I knew. I knew Edward would try to kill him. But I also knew that Jake wouldn't hesitate to try and kill Edward. It was a death-match waiting to happen, and I was powerless to stop it. My worst nightmare was seconds from happening and I couldn't lose Edward. I couldn't…I…

Jacob lunged.

Edward crouched.

And I screamed.

_Oh please…please… _"STOP!"

~*fOrSaKeN*~

_Hours earlier…_

"Ouch, Alice! What the hell?" I scowled at my evil sister in the mirror after she nearly yanked the hair out of my scalp. She smirked.

"Well, stop fidgeting, Bella. Good fucking grief, you're like a four-year-old." Like she knew anything about four-year-olds. I huffed. She'd been curling my hair for almost a damned hour and my ass was getting numb. Literally, I could barely feel my cheeks. "I mean, _excuse _me, but this is a special night. Don't you want to look amazing? Do you _not_ want that hot-ass man of yours to fall at your feet, drooling all over himself?" She giggled…evilly.

_Well, when you put it like that…_

I quirked my eyebrow at her and she returned the gesture in the mirror at me. "Of course I want that, Alice, but—"

"Then shut up and let me work my magic, sister," she sing-songed. Oh, she was annoying the shit out of me today.

"Well, good grief! I didn't expect to go through fucking boot-camp for it!" I bitched. "I mean, between you and _Helga_, the he-she, ripping my skin off earlier… _Christ_, it was like a Nazi torture camp in that place! She probably had Hitler himself bound and gagged in a closet somewhere in there!" My wonderful, caring sister rolled her eyes at me.

"Oh please, you're such a baby. Get over yourself! Everybody waxes, Bella."

I gritted my teeth and glared daggers at her through the mirror. The evil one smirked back at me and continued the torturous curling of my locks. Smug bitch.

"What are you guys talking about?" We both jumped. Alice nearly scorched the top of my ear as we turned to the sound of Nicci's voice approaching the bathroom.

"Shit!" I screeched. "Watch that thing, Alice!" She set the offending curling iron down on the counter quickly as Nicci obliviously continued her diatribe.

"I mean, I heard waxing and Helga and Hitler. Like, isn't Hitler dead? Am I right? Didn't we, like kill him when we bombed Pakistan or whatever? After nine-eleven right? God, that was _so_ sad. I mean, not that we killed Hitler. That dude was a crazy bastard. I mean, really. He needed to go. Anyway, who's Helga? Oh yeah, and I waxed last week, so I'm all good." She smiled, her eyes shifting between the two of us, who were staring at her, mouths agape.

Wow.

"Are you kidding me?" Alice continued to stare at Nicci and her ingenious drabble, and then quickly turned her head to me. "Is she kidding me? I mean, for Christ's sake, how did you graduate college?"

"Huh?" Nicci cocked her head to the side, like a cute little puppy…a very stupid, cute little puppy. Alice shook her head in disgust.

"Oh! Speaking of nine-eleven, have you guys seen that movie with that super-hot-looking guy in it? It was so sad in the end when he died. I, like, couldn't stop crying. He was so…_hot_."

"Oh my God, you are _so_ perfect for Emmett," Alice goaded, unbeknownst to Nicci, whose face lit up.

"Thank you! I know. He's just so amazing. I spent the night with him last night…" She looked mortified, but only for a split second. "I mean, not like _that_…I mean, yeah, it wasn't like we didn't, you know, _do_ stuff, but he's just so…so…" she trailed off, beaming and at a loss for words by some miracle.

"Oh my _God!"_ Alice threw her hands in the air.

"Okay," I interrupted, because obviously Dumb-dumb wasn't getting it, and Alice's veins were beginning to pop out in her neck. "First of all, Nicci, that wasn't a compliment. Secondly, Alice, Emmett's not—"

"I wasn't saying _he_ was the moron!" Alice blurted.

"And FINALLY," I raised my voice as Nicci's face took on the "duh" look again. "Nicci…how did you get in here?" I pointed at her.

She shrugged. "The door was unlocked. I knocked a couple times and then tried it and voila! It came right open."

I gasped, right before I turned slowly to my sister and glared more daggers. How could she be so damned stupid? Here she was insulting Nicci about her, well, ignorance, when there was a crazy person following me around, the same asshole who tried to kidnap my little girl…and a rapist to boot! What the fuck? _Who's the moron now, sister? _Alice's face fell and she gave me an apologetic frown as my teeth gnashed together and I all but snarled at her.

"Um…" She pointed toward the hallway. "I'm just gonna…you know…go, um, lock the door."

"Good idea, _genius!" _I shouted after her as she scurried out the bedroom door.

As I turned to look at Nicci, who still had the dumbfounded look on her pretty face, I lost my breath for a second. She was…stunning. I mean, on the ridiculous side, stunning. Tall and perfectly proportioned in the light gray, off-the-shoulder dress that barely made it to mid-thigh. Her hair, a similar color to mine, was straightened with long bangs swept to the side. Her legs were golden against the pale color of her mini-dress, not pasty white like mine, even in the dead of winter, and her calves looked amazing leading down to the gray suede ankle boots she had on. Good lord. I really didn't blame Emmett for being so entranced by her. If I was a dude…or swung that way…I'd have thought she was hot. But I wasn't, and I didn't, and I wasn't so blinded by her looks to know she was a little on the dimwitted side, God love her.

Thinking of her paltry brain, and seeing the confused look still on her face, I felt an inappropriate history lesson come upon me. "Nicci, I believe you're thinking of Saddam Hussein." She cocked her head to the side again and frowned. I sighed because, _really?_ And this girl wanted to be a journalist. "Saddam _Hussein_ is the guy we killed when we invaded _Iraq_, not Pakistan, after nine-eleven." _Ah, there was the light bulb flickering._ "Hitler," I continued distinctly, "was the crazy fucker that killed millions of innocent Jews over in Germany during World War II…a _very…very_ long time ago."

"Ooooooh," she quite intelligently muttered. _Jesus, _was I talking to my five-year-old daughter, or a college graduate?

~*fOrSaKeN*~

Once we were sufficiently 'glammed' up (My dress was a black mini, with an empire waist and three-quarter bell sleeves, and Alice's knee-high boots that Edward practically drooled over the week before. Alice wore a navy, one-shoulder mini-dress with black, stiletto-heeled, lace up ankle boots) we piled into Alice's not-so-comfortable, teeny-tiny little car and headed over to pick up Tanya. Nicci whined from the back seat.

"I don't know how that Tanya girl is gonna fit back here with me. Like, my legs are totally scrunched already."

Alice gripped the steering wheel tightly and cut her eyes to me. "_Like_, I'm gonna kill this bitch tonight," she hissed under her breath.

I scowled at her in response and mouthed, 'be nice,' as she rolled her eyes, crinkled her nose, shot a death-glare at Nicci through the rear-view and then focused back on the road ahead. We picked up Tanya, who looked just as striking as always. She wore a white and silver, one-shoulder mini-dress that hugged every perfect curve of her body. I rolled my eyes internally. Seriously, who looked _that_ good in white? In the middle of winter, no less?

Oh, right. _Tanya Denali _did.

My ego took yet another hit, of course, and I had to pull the visor down to check my hair and makeup – to make sure I looked half as good, at least, as Tanya and Nicci, not to mention Alice. Alice noticed my subtle grimace as I looked myself over and leaned in to whisper in my ear.

"She doesn't look half as good as you, baby sis. Edward is going to jizz himself for sure."

I scowled at her because _yeah, right._ She had to say that. She _was_ my sister after all. She giggled and, as she corrected herself in her seat, held her right hand up as if taking a very important oath. "On the Bible," she said matter-of-factly. I smiled. Damn, I loved that girl…most days.

Tanya stuffed herself into the back seat with Nicci. Literally. I mean, _come on!_ Dumb-dumb was right about one thing; that car was not big enough for the four of us. For Christ's sake, our legs were cramped so much, knees pushed up so high with our short dresses, that it was almost a _hoo-hah_ fest none of us were interested in being a part of!

About five minutes into Alice's death-defying navigation through the downtown Chicago streets, (_seriously, the girl could compete in the Indy 500…along with Edward_) my phone buzzed. I grinned, thinking it was from Edward. My grin quickly fell to a scowl when I realized it was a text from Jake. He'd been an asshole to me last night when I called to see if he wanted the kids a day early… whatever, they were better off with Charlie anyway. And Maggie had called me this morning to inform me that the divorce papers were scheduled for delivery to him today. So I wasn't anticipating that the message would be a pleasant one. I took a deep breath and opened it. I shouldn't have because I was right. It was downright nasty.

_Bells, if you think this bullshit stack of papers means anything to me, you are sadly mistaken. Good luck getting me to sign them. Not going anywhere. Thanks for being such a good wife. –J_

"Asshole!" I grumbled. Alice's head snapped in my direction. Her eyes darted to my phone, then back to my angry expression.

"What?"

"He got the divorce papers today," I mumbled.

"Jake?"

I looked at her incredulously and she nodded, sheepishly.

"Oh my God, that guy is crazy!" Nicci blurted from the back seat. "I'm glad you're divorcing him, Bella. Edward is _so_ much better…and hotter."

Alice snorted before hissing through her teeth, audibly only to me, "Like you would know, idiot." I shot her a warning glare and she sucked in a breath. "I mean, you got that shit right." She smiled sardonically at Nicci through the rear-view before turning her attention back to me. "So what did Maggie say? You know, about the house thing?" She spoke quietly, but in all honesty that car was so damned small, privacy was pretty much non-existent.

"The judge signed off on my request because of his…_history_…and the, um, evidence." I glanced at her conspiratorially. "So I should be able to get back in there in a few days."

Alice's mouth formed a silent 'oh' and she smirked, looking satisfied and quite proud of herself for making me keep the "evidence."

"_Oooooh, _what's this evidence?" Nicci asked, sounding all gossipy and annoying. I didn't answer. Didn't look behind me either, only stiffened as Alice let out a very annoyed, exasperated sigh. I was grateful to Tanya, who distracted Dumb-dumb by telling her how much she loved her boots and asking where she got them. I was sure Tanya was probably as curious as Nicci was about my _predicament, _but had the presence of mind to give me a little privacy with my sister.

We continued on to Moonstruck in cramped style, but once there, a small issue in the parking lot had Alice nearly stroking out on us. The lot was completely packed. Apparently, this open mic thing was a big deal. My stomach fluttered at the thought. Alice was already starting to curse under her breath after searching endlessly for a parking spot somewhat close. She squealed – Alice style – when she spotted one, only to realize as she tried to pull her tiny car into it, that the car in the spot next to it was _way_ over the yellow line. Essentially, the car was double-parked and made it impossible to get into without a possible door-ding of epic fucking proportions. The car was light blue, with tags that said '1VAMP-LVR' and my sister went on a rampage.

"Who the fuck buys a car in that ridiculous color anyway?" she bitched. "I mean, it's a goddamned Chevy Cobalt! It takes up half a fucking parking spot! You don't need to double-park a fucking Chevy Cobalt! _Ugh_, and I am so sick and tired of the whole _vampire_ bullshit. GET OVER IT, teeny-boppers!" she yelled out the window. "She…" because my sister just knew that it _had_ to be a teenage girl, "…probably has a fucking fake ID, and gets into Daddy's liquor cabinet when she's supposed to be doing her fucking HOMEWORK!" Alice rambled on and on, gripping the steering wheel and huffing through her nose as we finally found a parking spot in the far back of the lot. In fact, we were going to have to cross the busy-as-shit street on Navy Pier, which pissed Alice off even more. I, for one, was fighting desperately to keep myself from exploding with laughter at my sister's tirade. Unfortunately, the girls in the back were losing the battle as I heard stifled giggles emanating from behind me. "I swear to GOD!" Alice held her pointer finger up and glared at the rear-view. "If you laugh…you will die!" Needless to say, the giggles stopped abruptly. Yeah, my sister was a crazy bitch when she wanted to be. I couldn't help but snort, though, earning me an evil look and a huff. I immediately pictured a bull with a ring through its nose and red, beady eyes, but that didn't help. Not at all.

When we got out of the car, Alice gripped the key in her little hand so tightly that it was nearly trembling and started to stalk off on her own, bitch-brow firmly in place. Oh shit. I knew that look. The 'runway-bitch-stalk' and I knew nothing good would come out of it. I stumbled, in the ridiculous boots, toward her and stopped her.

"Alice, what are you doing?" I put my hand on her wrist, the one attached to the fingers holding the key like a mini sword. She looked from the key to my hand, to my face and gritted her teeth.

"I'm going to go over there," she nodded, "and key the fuck out of that little blue piece of shit!" she exclaimed. "Now, if you'll excuse me." She yanked her arm from my grasp and stalked toward the unsuspecting cars again. I ran to catch up with her, nearly twisting my ankle in the process and muttering curses under my breath.

"Alice…Alice…Alice!" I caught her arm again and she spun around, looking at me with wild, crazy eyes. _Whoa_, she was really, _really _pissed about this parking spot. She didn't appear rational...at all…so I said the only thing that would bring her out of her rage-induced fog. "If you key that car and get caught, you'll go to jail." She opened her mouth to spout off. I was sure it would've included a few curses and an 'I don't give a shit,' so I continued quickly. "And then you won't be able to see Jasper."

"Jasper?" she asked, blinking.

I nodded. "Yes! _Jasper!_ And, he's going to sing…to you!" I smiled, showing all my teeth.

"Jasper's gonna sing? To me?" I nodded again, smile still in place. She finally smiled and blinked dreamily. "Jasper's gonna sing to me," she muttered on a sigh.

_And that, my friends, is how you calm a psychotic pixie. _Except when she turned toward the cluttered parking lot, threw her head back and yelled, "This isn't over, you stupid, baby-blue, vamp-loving bitch!"

I sighed. "Alice. Jasper's waiting."

"Right, Jasper," she repeated as the dreamy look made another appearance.

"Okay, we good?" I asked with a raise of my eyebrows. Alice nodded, giggled and turned toward the door, chanting Jasper's name repeatedly. "Fuck," I whispered to myself before turning to the mischievous grins of both Tanya and Nicci – actually, Nicci looked a little frightened – and mouthed 'Kill. Me. Now.' Tanya just shook her head and laughed.

_Yeah, right. Just wait 'til she's drunk, Tanya. _You_ can babysit her ass. _

~*fOrSaKeN*~

Finally inside, with a calmer, much more enjoyable Alice, we could almost see the excitement in the air. The large crowd was mostly on the floor around the stage, which was already set up with the first band's equipment. My stomach fluttered again. We dispersed to find our respective men in the back of the club behind the stage. We all dispersed, that is, except for Nicci who – much to Alice's dismay – followed behind her to find Emmett. He was apparently in the restroom.

I, on the other hand, had no time to process anything other than how amazing Edward looked (Dark gray button-down, sleeves rolled up to three-quarter length, black leather jacket, black-washed button-flies and black cowboy boots). I was pretty sure my eyes bugged out of my head, and then rolled like a slot machine, cartoon style. Seriously, I almost yelled _"ba-oooo-gah"_) before he dragged me to said restroom, and proceeded to have his magnificent, mind-blowing, earth-shattering, explosion-of-fireworks-and-stars way with me.

It was a quickie, for all intents and purposes, but it was, by far, the most outstanding, unparalleled quickie in the history of quickies…and the best I'd ever had in my adult life, if I was being completely honest. Good _God_, that man was talented beyond all logic. Alice glared at me as I exited the restroom soon after Edward did, and I felt my cheeks burn as I averted my eyes from hers. Lucky for me, Jasper, Tanya and Garrett kept mum, but Emmett was gazing at me with what I could only describe as pride, nodding his head in an '_atta girl'_ kind of way.

Fuck…me.

My cheeks flamed even more. My sister continued to glare, until I shot her a pointed look that said, 'get over it,' and then she grinned wryly. We kissed our men, seeing them off to the stage area, and Alice sashayed over to me, wrapping a slender arm around my shoulders and leaning into my ear.

"You are _such_ a slut," she said, laughter lacing her tone as we made our way to our table. I rolled my eyes and smirked, trying to keep the crimson from exploding all over my face again.

"Jealous much, Alice?" I muttered, shoving her arm off my shoulder and sitting down at the reserved table with a sign that read _Eclipse girls_ on it. My chest swelled with pride as my eyes traced the letters.

"I am _so_ not jealous!" Alice exclaimed, pulling her chair out forcefully and plopping down on it.

Right, no sign of jealousy there. Not at all.

I tried to ignore Nicci's incessant ramblings about how excited she was, and how hot Emmett looked, and how she couldn't wait to hear them play…blah, blah, blah. In fact, I was scanning the club, looking for Jessica and (gag) Mike, when I noticed Tanya eyeing me curiously, almost sympathetically, and I wondered what had changed since we walked in here.

What the hell?

I avoided her gaze as much as I could. I mean, she and I were cool ever since the night at Jasper's when she explained her reasons for going to see Edward, and apologized profusely, but still. I wasn't sure what was going through her mind, and wasn't sure I wanted to know. Finally, she gave me no other choice but to look her way when she cleared her throat.

"Bella?"

"Hmm?" I looked at her noncommittally.

"Could I, um, could I talk to you for a minute?"

I just stared for a second, blinked a couple times, and then nodded quickly, dismissing the unease I felt. "Sure," I replied and raised my eyebrows expectantly.

"Um," she started, looking around the table at Alice and Nicci nervously. "In private?"

_Uh-oh. _The unease was back, creeping up my spine, freezing me in my seat. What was she going to tell me? What if she confessed that she really did still love Edward and was only using Garrett to get close to him again? _Oh God,_ what if she wanted to tell me to step aside? I was afraid I'd go to prison for homicide…slut-icide…vindictive bitch-icide, whatever you want to call it. Images of iron bars and orange jumpsuits flashed in my head. I narrowed my eyes infinitesimally at her, glancing at Alice quickly – whose expression was unreadable – and then back to Tanya.

"Okay?" It came out more like a question than a concession.

"It's nothing bad," she added with a small, hopeful smile.

Feeling a little better, and less homicidal, I nodded and stood. As I walked past my sister, she grabbed my hand to stop me. I turned to her questioning eyes and knew she was silently asking if I was okay. I nodded again and walked a few feet from the table with Tanya trailing behind me. When we were finally somewhat isolated from the crowd, I turned to her. She took a deep breath and began wringing her hands.

"I…hope you don't get upset," she began, looking at me with that gorgeous face of hers crinkled in concern. _Oh shit. Here we go. _I felt my ears begin to get hot – a sure sign that yeah, I was getting upset – and reluctantly nodded for her to continue. "I, well, I talked to my sister, Kate?" She hesitated, almost looking like she was going to throw up. This couldn't be good. I nodded again, as encouragingly as I could. _Just get it out already!_ "She told me about the column you write…" I quirked my eyebrow and she continued, stammering. "The, um, the special one you're planning to write…about the, um, about domestic abuse."

"And?" Alright, I was getting a little irritated. I knew the guys were coming on soon and she wanted to talk to me about my job?

"Bella, I've never told anyone about this; only my sister really knows everything, um…" She hesitated again and the pieces began to click together. The column, Kate. Kate suspected it had something to do with my personal life. A fact I hadn't confirmed or denied. And she told Tanya. Fucking great. Why didn't she just run it on the front page? Funny, when I talked to her earlier in the week and she _praised_ me up and down for getting Nicci to actually _work_, talking about how much she _loved_ the Christmas piece, she didn't mention anything about spilling details she didn't actually _know_ for certain about me…to her sister!

"What else did she tell you?" I blurted suddenly. Tanya jumped a little.

"Bella, I'm sorry, I—"

"What!" I screeched.

"She just told me what she suspects, and I just want you to know I understand. If it's true – and you don't have to tell me anything – I understand. I've been there. I've been abused, beaten, nearly killed, so I get it. And, I'd like to help with your story if you'd let me." She spoke in a rush, her words overlapping each other and, when she finished, she sucked in a long breath. My brain was hard-pressed to catch up.

"How _dare_ she tell you anything…I mean, I never even said…and she shouldn't be saying…wait, what?" My eyes widened in surprise as my brain finally caught up to her words. My hands surreptitiously moved to my throat, then to my arms and wrist, flashes of angry purple bruises, his twisted, hateful face that haunted me in my dreams even though I never told anyone about them…the dreams…streamed into my mind as I remembered what Jake had done to me. Tanya's eyes followed my movements and she nodded slowly.

"Bella, I understand." She smiled sadly. I tried to swallow the lump that had suddenly taken up residence in my throat, but it was futile. Traitorous tears filled my eyes as I processed her empathetic expression and she continued. "Every man after Edward, Garrett being the exception, hurt me. My daughter's father…he…almost killed me."

My hands flew to my now gaping mouth and I gasped. I had no idea. I mean, I had no _idea!_ I threw my arms around her shoulders – like a lunatic – and she startled briefly before patting my back gently. "Oh my God, Tanya," I choked on the words. "I'm so sorry." She shook her head and pulled back to smile at me.

"It's okay. I've come to terms with it, and I am who I am today because of it. It's also why I do what I do." I looked at her curiously. "I'm in social work…an advocate for abused women," she answered my silent question. "So see? I understand, Bella, and I'd like to help if you'd let me." She raised her eyebrows expectantly and I nodded my reply, blinking away tears.

Tears for what she'd been through and what I'd been through. For this woman that I didn't want to like, but couldn't help feeling a certain kinship with. _Yes, I know._ _That one came totally out of left field._

"Now," she began with a wink. "Let's get back and watch our boys. I think they're coming on soon."

~*fOrSaKeN*~

Jessica finally showed up, dragging Mike – whose eyes were darting around the club warily – behind her. Poor guy. He probably suffered from Post Traumatic Stress now or something thanks, of course, to my asshole soon-to-be ex-husband. She saw me and waved frantically, pulling Mike a little harder in our direction.

"Hi Bella!" she chirped, swooping in to give me a very enthusiastic, very tight hug. "Oh, it's been so long since I've seen you!" She swayed us from side to side, squeezing harder as I struggled for breath.

"Jess," I wheezed, "can't…breathe."

"Oh, sorry, sorry!" She released me and pulled back, tilting her head to the side. "I'm just so excited. This is exciting, huh?" I didn't get a chance to respond because she kept talking. "When you told me about you and Jake, I was just…whoa! And then when you told me about Sex on Legs, I was…"she sucked in a breath. Mike let out a groan and smacked his hand on his forehead, his fingers grasped at his blonde spikes. "Wow!" Jess continued. "And Sex on Legs has a band!"

"Um, Edward," I interjected, eyeing Mike warily.

"Right, Edward. Whatever. I was just so excited you invited me…us…to see him…the band!" She glanced at Mike, whose eye was starting to twitch a little, but it didn't faze her. "Seriously, this guy plays the guitar? And sings? Dude! How much more perfect could he be?"

The whole table was silent, gaping at her with wide eyes. It got even more awkward when Mike groaned loudly. All eyes shot to him. "Really, Jess?" he whined. "Sex on Legs? And you called him that twice!" He pouted, and on a less annoying guy it might have been adorable. But on Mike? Yeah, not so much.

"Aw, Mikey," she cooed, like she was talking to a toddler. "You know you're the only sex on legs I need." _Mikey_ smiled, totally smitten. And I might've vomited in my mouth a little. Having successfully cooled _Mikey's_ jets, Jessica turned back to me. "You look amazing, by the way. You all look amazing. Hi, I'm Jessica!" She went around the table shaking hands vigorously. "God, you guys are gorgeous! I feel a little under dressed." She waved toward her outfit. I cut my eyes to Alice, who had a fake smile plastered on her face. Oh boy. I knew what that meant. Jessica's outfit was…cute. Kind of. She wore black leggings and a black and white striped (vertically, at least) baby doll-style, sleeveless dress with black ankle boots. It was alright. I mean, it wasn't horrible.

"Oh, no, Jess. You look so cute!" I mustered up as much enthusiasm as I could, hoping she didn't ask my sister her opinion on it. Alice snorted discreetly behind me. Like I said.

"Hey, Alice! You're totally a fashion superstar, right? So…what do _you_ think?"

Oh, no she didn't.

I turned to Alice and flashed a pleading smile at her. My sister blinked slowly as her eyes slid up and down Jessica's attire. A sly grin spread across her face and I groaned internally. "_Super_ cute," Alice said in her best 'I'm totally blowing smoke up your ass' tone. And Jessica bought it…of course. She squealed and looked at Mike, beaming.

"I knew it!" She proceeded to introduce her _Mikey_ to everyone at the table until he was thoroughly purple-faced embarrassed. Poor guy. Thankfully, he didn't attempt his horrible Italian accent, nor did he call me 'Isabella.' He did, however, continue to dart his eyes around the club and shift nervously. I couldn't take it anymore and finally leaned over to him and told him to relax because the asshole wasn't here. I swore I heard him release a long, relieved breath, but I pretended like I didn't.

I was waiting for it. I knew it was coming. So, when Jessica started chatting it up with Nicci – go figure – and I felt Alice lean into me, I smirked.

"There's something I'm wondering about," Alice mused in my ear. "And it's really bothering me, so I thought I'd ask your opinion." Her tone was pleading, so I turned to meet her concerned eyes…and I fell for it.

"What is it?"

"You promise not to get mad?" she asked, a little too sincerely.

"Alice, you're starting to freak me out a little." She pleaded with her eyes again and I sighed. "Okay fine, I won't get mad. Now what are you wondering about?"

"Well, I was just wondering… Do you think… Do you think if I said _Beetlejuice_ three times, she would—"

"Alice!" I glared as she giggled evilly and then apologized with absolutely no trace of sincerity. God, she was so stuck up sometimes.

My stomach fluttered with excitement when, shortly after Jess's arrival, the DJ announced, there would be a short break before Eclipse came on. To be completely honest, the other bands were only serving to make me more nervous for what was to come. But as I glanced around the table at the other girlfriends, I found that I was in equal company as I took in Alice, Tanya, and Nicci's expressions and their constant shifting in their seats. God, was that what we were? Girlfriends? It all seemed so surreal, like I would wake up any moment and have to face a reality I didn't want to.

The butterflies in my body morphed into giant, flapping bats as the crowd erupted with loud applause and whistling when our men took the stage. Seeing them, _him_, made my body hum in response. Emmett was first, taking his place behind the drums and twirling the sticks in his fingers with a cheesy grin. Nicci squealed. Alice did the same as Jasper grabbed the electric guitar and strapped it over his shoulder with a wink and a smile in her direction. Tanya and I shared a knowing smile as Garrett, who was followed finally by Edward, took their places. Edward sat on a vacant stool dead center, picked up his acoustic guitar and ran his fingers over the strings absently. Garrett took his place on Edward's left with the bass guitar. He smiled wolfishly at Tanya, but Edward wasn't looking at me.

Why wouldn't he look at me? My stomach dropped as the fluttering in it became almost violent. I took a deep breath as Edward began to strum a slow but beautiful melody on his guitar, keeping his eyes on the strings. I tried to control my breathing. _Look at me_, _just…look at me_, I chanted to myself, beginning to panic.

And then, he lifted his head.

His eyes met mine, and I stopped breathing all together.

God, he was so beautiful. Eyes that were dark, jade green when he first saw me tonight were bright emerald again and fixed on me. The side of his mouth lifted into that incredible crooked grin and my heart soared. I was faintly aware of Emmett yelling out a greeting to the crowd, and the crowd reciprocating with eager applause and hoots. I heard Nicci scream out something about Emmett being hot or sexy or something, and Emmett's voice boom into his microphone something about 'the sexiest girls in the club,' but I couldn't take my eyes off of Edward as he continued strumming his guitar. His eyes never left mine as the crowd quieted and the melody he was playing became more familiar. I could feel my heart beating in my throat and my eyes starting to burn as his gaze told me a million things all at once. He only looked away from me to address the crowd, and it felt like my breath had been stolen from my lungs. Like, I needed him to breathe. Pathetic, but true nonetheless. When he began to speak, while still playing, I realized what he was about to sing and I grabbed Alice's arm because I knew…his voice was going to knock me out of my seat.

"I'd like to sing a song from someone I consider to be one of the best artists ever in music. I don't know if many of you remember Jeff Buckley, but he was an idol of mine and taken from this earth far too soon. This is Hallelujah."

I heard a few 'woo-hoo's' from the club when he spoke, and then his eyes were back on mine. I inhaled and held it. Forget about falling out of my chair; when he began to sing, I melted into it.

"_I heard there was a secret chord, that David played and it pleased the lord. But you don't really care for music do you? Well, it goes like this, the fourth, the fifth. The minor fall and the major lift. The baffled king composing hallelujah. Hallelujah…hallelujah…hallelujah…hallelujah."_

Slowly, Garrett started in with bass guitar and Emmett worked in light taps on the cymbals. Jasper didn't play, only hummed along with Edward's voice in harmony. And, oh my God, my eyes were brimming with unshed tears. Listening to Edward's voice increase in volume with each repeat of 'hallelujah' was the closest thing to angels singing in heaven that I would hear until I was dead. Maybe, not even then.

"Holy shit, Bella," Alice leaned over and whispered in my ear as Edward belted out a particularly incredible verse and held the last note for what felt like minutes. "He's…ridiculous." Though I couldn't tear my eyes away from him for even a second, I nodded and squeezed her arm that I hadn't let go of since the beginning of the song.

When he finished, the club erupted and I couldn't help but whistle and clap like a lunatic fan-girl along with everyone else. He looked around briefly and smiled shyly, nodding his thanks. But when he looked at me, his smile grew and he mouthed the words, 'I love you.' I clapped my hand over my mouth and then blew him a kiss, mouthing the words right back to him. I was thankful I didn't have to speak, because my heart was lodged where my vocal cords were supposed to be.

The song that Jasper sang next had us all dancing in our seats…and Alice, well, _gasping_ in hers. It was an Eclipse original called 'That's What She Said.' I was starting to worry I would have to do CPR on my sister. "Oh my God!" she shrieked. "I didn't even know he could play the harmonica. Fuck me, I'm done." I laughed at her as I bounced and clapped. And when Jasper did this little breathy "_I…I…I…I_" thing, I was pretty sure my sister moaned. Suspicions were confirmed when she turned to me and said, "Oh, he is _so_ gonna get some later tonight!" I laughed because, yeah, it was pretty much a given that all our men were making us hot and bothered and squirm in our seats. _Duh, Alice._

I was also pretty sure my face caught on fire when Emmett took over the mic and sang the first line of 'Addicted' by Saving Abel a capella, followed by the instruments and the rest of the guys jumping in to sing. After I picked my jaw up off the table – remembering the last time I'd heard that song coming from Edward's sexy mouth – I noticed Nicci and Jess singing at the top of their lungs and holding their hands up, rock-n-out style. I laughed and starting singing along with them. The whole table did, even _Mikey_, who looked a bit like the cat that ate the canary, being at a table full of women.

We swayed to the beat as they played Jace Everett's 'Bad Things' next. It was sort of a country/folk/rock hybrid song with a great beat and great fucking lyrics. Jasper sang lead on this one again and _again,_ I watched my sister out of the corner of my eye as she fell flat out, head over heels, ass over teakettle in love with him. I wanted to roll my eyes, but I couldn't. I was just so happy for her and as I looked at Edward, playing the shit out of that guitar and singing along with Jasper to the lyrics, _"When you came in, the air went out…" _and _"I don't know who you think you are, but before the night is through, I wanna do bad things with you," _I licked my lips.

Because yeah, I wanted to do _real_ bad things to him. And I wanted Edward to do bad things…to me. _You get the idea._

When the clapping wound down, I thought they were finished. But as I waited for them to exit the stage, I noticed instead Edward take a seat on the stool again and begin to fumble with his guitar. The guys were silent, but their eyes shifted to me as Edward strummed a chord and cleared his throat.

"Uh, this next song is something I wrote for someone very special." All eyes at our table turned to me and I suddenly felt like a caged animal at the zoo. My eyes widened. I sunk down in my seat as heat flooded my body and Edward fueled the fire with his silken voice. "It's called 'I Was Broken' and…well…this one's for you, Bella." He looked out at me and smiled, shy and almost awkward and, were it not for the multicolored lights flashing in the club, I'd have sworn he was blushing. I heard the 'aw's' from around the table and felt my sister slip her arm around my shoulder. My hands flew to my chest as he began to play his guitar and I tried not to look around the club, feeling even more on display. It wasn't hard, though, because as he started to sing, the entire club, the table I was sitting at, everyone around us melted away until it was just him and me. Tears welled up in my eyes and this time, I couldn't stop them from spilling over as I listened to the lyrics. _His_ lyrics…to me.

"_I was tied but now unbound. My head is off the ground. For a long time I was so weary…" _

I tried to breathe, slowly and evenly, but his voice overwhelmed me, took my breath from me, and it came out in sharp gasps.

"_Tired of the sound…I've heard before. The gnawing of the nighttime at the door. Haunted by the things I've made. Stuck between the burning light and the dusty shade."_

He was all-consuming, his voice all around me, all over me, inside me.

"_I said now, I used to think the past was dead and gone. But I was wrong, so wrong."_

I was wrong too, Edward. God, I was so wrong back then. The river of tears fell relentlessly.

"_Whatever makes you blind must make you strong. Make you strong."_

He was what made me strong. Edward. Only Edward.

"_In my time I've melted into many forms. From the day that I was born. I know there's no place to hide, stuck between the burning shade and the fading light. I was broken…"_

So was I, for far too long.

"_For a long time…"_

Oh God, he was killing me.

"_But it's over now."_ He paused after that line, picking up the tempo on this guitar and licking his lips as his eyes bore into mine, into my soul…as they always did. He frowned a little, concerned that I was crying – like an infant – no doubt, but I nodded reassuringly and he nodded back. His voice roared as he continued.

"_Yes and you, well you walk these lonely streets that people send. People send. There are some wounds that just can't mend. I do pretend, pretend. I am free from all the things that take my friends. But I will stand here 'til the end. I know that I can take the moon." _

I felt Alice hug me with her slender arm and lean over to my ear. I didn't take my eyes off of Edward. "Okay, NOW I'm jealous!" she said. I could only nod and lean my head against hers; keeping my gaze trained on the most incredible thing I'd ever seen…or heard.

"_Stuck between the burning shade and the fading light. I was broken, for a long time, but it's over now. It's over now. Mmmmmm, it's over now. It's over now. I was broken, for a long time, but it's over…but it's over…but it's over…but it's over…but's it's over…" _

He repeated it over and over again, his voice getting louder and louder. So much emotion, so much passion and feeling came from him that I felt like his voice lifted me…like I was floating and not sitting in a hard chair in a musty club full of sweaty people. It was just Edward and me, up in the clouds, surrounding each other, inside each other. It was too much and not enough at the same time. And I felt like I couldn't come down, didn't _want_ to come down…ever. When he finished, he got a standing ovation. Jesus, even the guys were clapping for him and whistling. Everyone that is, except for me. I had my hands clasped over my mouth, blinking rapidly, trying to rid my eyes of the tears that just wouldn't stop. He stood stoic on the stage, looking at me with nothing but love as he placed his hands over his heart, lifted his fingers to his lips, and then reached them out to me.

"You should go to him," Alice said as she pulled me up from me seat. "Go get him, Bella." My legs felt like rubber, but I picked one up, then the other, slowly making my way to him as he took the stairs quickly and rushed to me, meeting me half way. Our bodies collided and he lifted me, wrapping his strong arms around me as I buried my head in the crook of his neck. Thankfully, I had the cognizance to keep my legs straight. The club didn't need more of a show.

"Thank you," I sobbed. I said it over and over, unable to stop.

"I love you, baby," he whispered in my ear.

"So much," I whispered back. And then I kissed him.

"Come on, Love, let's dance."

I needed it; I needed to feel his arms around me, enveloping me and holding me close. And as we swayed to the sound of one of my favorite bands, (other than Eclipse, that is. It went without saying that tonight, they were my favorite) I did feel him. I had what I needed – what I would ever need – for a little while.

~*fOrSaKeN*~

"STOP!" I screamed, feeling my knees give out on me.

My fears were realized, my screams ignored as Edward and Jacob crashed into each other. Edward's shoulder connected with Jacob's midsection and the momentum flung him over Edward and onto his back on the ground.

"Oh my God! Oh my God!" I chanted, but Edward didn't stop. He spun around and dove toward Jake, fisting his shirt and pulling him up as he snarled.

"Get up, motherfucker!"

Jacob grabbed Edward and they began to roll around. I couldn't stop screaming. I watched in horror as Jake rolled on top of Edward and cocked his arm back. "NO!" I shrieked as Jake's fist connected to Edward's jaw, throwing his head back to the ground. "Please….please! Don't DO this!"

"You're a fucking home-wrecking son-of-a-bitch!" Jacob yelled. "You don't deserve her!"

"_I_ don't deserve her? That's fucking hilarious!" Edward countered, rolling on top of Jacob and punching him hard in the nose. I saw blood instantly coating Jake's mouth and cheek, and my stomach coiled. Edward pushed off of him and stood up, his fists were clenched and he was breathing heavily through his teeth.

"Edward!" He looked over at me and blinked, slowly as if he was in some sort of a trance. "Edward! Please! Let's go…PLEASE!" But Jacob was right in front of him again. He shoved him hard – just like he did with Mike – but instead of flying five feet away, Edward stumbled back a few steps and his face changed again. _Oh Jesus…oh Jesus…no. _I couldn't even get my voice to work in time, because the next thing I knew, Edward spun. His foot whipped around and slammed into Jake's stomach so hard that he doubled over as he flew backward, ass, then the back of his head colliding with the ground. Jake rolled from side to side, groaning and coughing. All I could do was stand there, paralyzed.

"Don't you _ever_ fucking tell me what's good for Bella again, you fucking piece of shit!" Edward stalked toward him. "I'm a home-wrecker, but you're a wife-beating, motherfucking COWARD!" Jacob got to his hands and knees, but Edward kicked him in the side, knocking him down again.

"NO! Edward, no!" I finally found my voice again. His head snapped to me and his expression changed abruptly to one of concern, fear, desperation.

"Bella," he muttered, walking toward me. My tears let loose. I sobbed as he inched closer and closer to me. I didn't even see Jake get up. There was only a flash in my periphery and then his fist smashed into Edward's mouth.

"Stay AWAY from her!" Jake snarled.

"Fuck!" Edward roared, spitting blood from his mouth and wiping it on the back of his arm. He grabbed Jake's shirt with his fists and reared his head back, slamming it into Jacob's nose and dropping him instantly. Jake shouted in pain as the already present blood flowed heavily over his mouth, coating his chin.

My knees wavered.

I couldn't see anything but blurred images and different colored lights. The thumping bass of the music in the club felt like it was my heartbeat. A crowd began to form, but I couldn't see my friends. Where were my friends…my sister? Where were Emmett, Jazz and Garrett? They could stop this! I needed them to stop this! A cacophony of sounds disrupted my senses completely. I could hear angry shouts and yells coming from the two men in my life. I could hear the smacking sound the punches thrown and the grunts that followed. I could hear people in the gathering crowd murmuring, some laughing, enjoying the fight, some expressing concern – well deserved. Fuck! I needed help!

I looked up just in time to see Jacob shoving Edward against the wall and punching him. More blood, more spitting, more shouting…I sunk closer to the floor. My pleas were quieted to near whispering.

"Hey!" I looked up to see a gigantic bouncer walking toward Edward and Jacob. _Finally_, I knew if anyone in this place could stop them…the huge bouncer could. But, he was intercepted by someone…Emmett. _Emmett? What the hell? _Could he not see that Edward and Jake were killing each other right about now? I turned back to see Edward kneeing Jacob in the stomach. He doubled over and Edward kneed him in the face.

_Oh God, _my stomach rolled. His nose was so fucking broken. "Stop…just stop…please stop," I repeated my new mantra. I'd almost hit the ground when I felt big, strong arms wrap around me and pull me up. I was gasping for air and hardly coherent.

"Shh…shh…Bells, it's okay."

I turned to see Emmett holding me, and I went crazy. "It is NOT okay, Emmett! Stop them! You have to…" I gasped. "You have to stop them; they're going to…" I gasped again. "Kill each other, please, please,"

"Bella, they're okay. Edward's not going to kill him, he knows when to stop," Emmett said, like he was commentating on a cage-fucking-fight, which he pretty much was, just without the cage.

"WHAT?" I screeched. "Emmett…no! Please make them stop."

He shook his head, his face dead calm, but serious. "After what Jake did to you," he clenched his jaw. "This was a long time coming, Bells, they need to do this."

"Oh my God," I sobbed. "I'm in the fucking Twilight Zone!"

"Bella!" I finally heard Alice's voice behind me. "Bella, what the hell…oh holy shit!" She stopped when she saw what was happening. She turned and yelled behind her back. "Over here! Jasper, get over here!" Then she turned to me. "You okay?" I shook my head, 'cause no, I was not fucking _okay_.

"Whoa!" Jasper said as he came on the scene…finally. "That's fucked up."

Alice turned an incredulous eye on Jasper and I thought…finally, another voice of reason. "Fucked up? Are you kidding me? Jake's getting his ass kicked right now. This is FABULOUS!"

Oh. Shit. Not her too! "Alice!" I glared at her through my water-logged eyes.

Tanya and Nicci gasped when they ran up from behind us, and Garrett pushed his way through to get to Rocky and fucking Apollo Creed. At least _somebody _had some goddamned sense. Jessica shrieked as she and Mike ran up to us. Mike's eye's widened in horror when he saw Jake and Edward and he grabbed Jess by the arm, muttering something about needing to leave and dragging her behind him. Jess called out an apology to me, and then turned, following behind him. Nice. Although, I couldn't really blame the guy.

"Hey, man, you told me you were getting them out of here!" The huge bouncer approached Emmett.

"Alright, Frank, man, we're going. I got it," Emmett said, too calmly and taking a step toward Edward and Jake…and now, Garrett, who had almost gotten knocked down when he tried to pull them apart. God, this was an epic fucking disaster.

"It's _Felix_, asshole!" The bouncer yelled.

Emmett feigned surprise. "Sorry, _Felix_, but dude, even you gotta admit…you look a little like Frankenstein."

"Fuck you! Get your boys and get the fuck out of here!" He pushed Emmett, who clenched his fists and took a step toward him. _Shit. _We didn't need two fights and something told me _that _one would be even uglier than the one currently happening. My attention was instantly snapped back to the fight at hand when I heard Edward's snarling voice.

"Back the FUCK off, Garrett!" He turned to push Garrett out of the way as Jacob threw a punch and landing it right in Edward's kidney. I screamed out yet again, and again, it was to no avail. Edward stumbled against the wall, but turned in time to kick his foot out hard and fast against Jake's ribs, doubling him over again with a muffled groan and curse.

"Felix, I called the cops!" I heard _her_ voice. I'd know that voice anywhere. My back bristled and a surge of heated rage rushed through me as I turned to see Vic-_whore_-ia running up to the bouncer with another guy I didn't recognize.

"Hey!" The guy she was with noticed the fight and started walking toward Edward and Jake.

"Riley, stay out of it!" Vic-whore-ia yelled. Riley. Probably her dick-of-the-week. "We need to get Jake and get out of here before the cops…" She stopped yelling at Riley when she saw me glaring at her. I wished I could kill her with my mind.

"You _bitch!" _I marched toward her. "What the fuck are you doing here?" She smirked at me and put her hands on her skanky hips.

"It's a free country, last I checked, honey. Looks like _you've_ been busy, though." She laughed. "And you call me a whore."

"Fuck you!" I put my palms up and shoved her as hard as I could. She stumbled back on her too-high stilettos and quickly righted herself, squaring her shoulders and pointing her finger at me.

"Don't touch me!" She stalked toward me. Jesus, some things never changed. She still looked like a cheap hooker…and…were her boobs bigger? Like I gave a shit.

"Bitch, I will rip that finger off and shove it down your throat if you don't get it out of my face! Of course, it probably wouldn't faze you, since you're used to having cock in there at all times."

"Ladies," Emmett pushed us apart. "That's enough."

"What? EMMETT! Go and get Edward and let's fucking GO!" I screamed at him. He raised his hands as well as his eyebrows.

"Alright, Bells, I'm going—"

"COWABUNGA, BITCH!" I heard my sister's high-pitched voice and whipped around to see her jumping off of a table, clutching an empty bottle of Michelob Ultra upside down in her hand.

"Oh shit, ALICE!" I ran toward her as she landed on top of Vic-whore-ia and toppling the both of them onto the floor. Emmett grabbed the bottle just before my sister split the bitch's head open with it. Thank God. _Jesus fucking Christ! This was turning into a very bad, very trailer park version of the Jerry Springer show!_ I grabbed Alice and pulled her off of the skank because, yeah, we just didn't need that shit right now, and turned around to see Jasper running over. I was thanking God – or whatever entity was up there probably laughing his ass off at this mess – that Jazz picked her up and got her out of the way.

"Crazy bitch!" Vic-whore-ia screamed as she steadied herself on her feet.

"Call her that again and I'll punch you right in your cock-sucking mouth!" I snarled. She looked at me wide-eyed. Then her eyes shifted to my right and I looked over to see Tanya and Nicci standing close behind me.

"Run along, skank," Tanya said. "You're not welcome here."

"Aw," the bitch smiled sarcastically. "Are we all feeling a little threatened that I'm back in town?" She leveled a cold glare on me. "I _will _have him back. You're not good enough for him."

_What. The. Fuck?_

Before I knew what I was doing, I slapped her. Hard. She grabbed her cheek and looked at me in horror.

"That's it! OUT! All of you…OUT!" Felix, the bouncer was advancing toward us. Tanya grabbed me, pulling me toward the door. Nicci followed, and I heard the skank behind us.

"But…Felix…we had a deal!" God, her whining was even worse than her normal rhetoric.

"I. Said. Out!"

I saw Emmett grab Edward and push him out the door. Jasper and Garrett pushed Jacob out the door and the Riley guy followed. The next thing I knew, we were all standing in the frigid weather on the hard, freezing asphalt of the parking lot. Emmett let Edward go and he charged toward Jacob.

_Damn it! Here we go again!_

"Stop!" Well, that still wasn't working. Jasper and Garrett had Jake's arms. They turned him just in time for Edward to slam his fist into Jake's stomach.

I couldn't breathe.

"Hey, that's not fair, assholes!" The Riley guy started toward Jasper. Jazz let go of Jake and shoved Riley. Emmett grabbed him around the neck with his mammoth arm.

"Settle down, little boy. You don't want to fuck with these guys." Then he looked at me, still holding Riley. His expression turned apologetic. "I'm sorry Bells, but he deserved that. They're not gonna hold him anymore, I promise." I couldn't even respond to him. I felt sick to my stomach.

Jacob stumbled toward Edward and tried to swing, but Edward blocked it. Edward stumbled too, but other than a busted lip, beat-up knuckles and a nasty cut on his forehead, he seemed okay. Jacob was worse for wear by far. His nose was a wreck; his lip was also bleeding, his left eye was swollen – nearly shut – and he was clutching his ribs on the right side, wheezing slightly. I couldn't help the tears that sprung to my eyes again. Not necessarily for Jacob, but the situation. I never wanted this.

I never wanted this.

"You _fucking _prick," Jacob snarled on heavy breaths. "I wanted her…I always wanted her and you took her from me."

"Oh, you're so fucking pathetic, man." Edward shook his head in disgust, leveling a hard glare at Jacob. "She never loved you like she loves me. She never will. You need to fucking let. It. Go."

"I WON'T! You knew what you were doing when you fucked that whore, Edward," Jacob snarled, pointing at Victoria. She glared at Jake and I felt the hole in my chest rip open again at the memory. "You were too goddamned weak to keep her. You literally fucked that up ON YOUR OWN!"

Edward lunged at him. _"Bullshit!_ You fucking set me up. You're a deranged motherfucking _lunatic!_ I fucked up! I know it! She knows it! But you…when are you going to own up to your fuck-ups, asshole? You couldn't get her on your own, so you had to manipulate it…just like you manipulated _her_ into thinking she loved you! You're SICK!"

They were nose to broken nose now, growling and snarling like rabid animals. I wrapped my arms around my body, trying to hold myself together.

"Who the hell do you think picked up the pieces after what you did to her? Huh? ME!" Jake shouted. "She wanted me there…not you! I watched her almost DIE because of you!"

"That's fucking BULLSHIT! You're a fucking liar, Jacob. I watched you cheat on her for years! Killing her slowly; killing her on the inside! And then putting your hands on her, hurting her like she was a fucking punching bag! I should KILL you just for that!"

"Yeah? GO FOR IT, home-wrecker!" He shoved Edward and Edward lunged back at him, taking him to the hard asphalt by the throat.

"Oh, _God! _Emmett! Make them stop…they have to stop!" I cried.

"Edward!" Emmett yelled. "Come on, man, you made your point." Edward ignored him. "Edward! I hear sirens, bro, come on! The cops are on their way!" His shouts were still ignored.

"You won't ever touch her again!" Edward growled through his teeth leaning over Jacob, who was shoving against Edward's chest, keeping him from getting a good grip on Jake's throat. "Because if you do, I will kill you."

"Just like you almost killed her?" Jacob spat back. "Of course, I took care of her after that, but didn't take you very long to jump on her cousin, did it?" Edward's grip faltered, I could see him visibly bristle at the mention of Rosalie.

"Shut your mouth!" Edward growled.

"Why? It wasn't bad enough that you knocked her up…you had to go and _fuck_ her own _family_ and knock Rose up too! And guess who had to pick up the pieces when she fell apart over THAT? ME! Always me!"

"JAKE!" I screamed. _Oh fuck…ohfuckohfuckohfuck!_

"What the _fuck_ are you talking about? You're a lying motherfucker!" Edward roared. "You tell so many lies, you actually BELIEVE them! You're so fucking pathetic!" He reared he fist back to hit Jake again and I screamed…again.

Emmett ran over and grabbed his fist. "Come on, man. We. Need. To. Go." Edward let Emmett pull him up. He was heaving his breaths in and out, his exhales billowing around his head in puffs of steam. Emmett turned to Jake. "Get the fuck up and get out of here, asshole. Take your little posse with you."

"Fuck you, Emmett," Jake muttered. Emmett spun around, having let Edward go. I ran to Edward and grabbed him, pulling him into my arms and running my hands over his back.

"I'm so sorry…I'm so sorry, baby," he mumbled into my hair. I couldn't speak, just shook my head to tell him silently it was okay. Even though it was far from okay, and I was far from happy with what took place.

"Don't fuck up your chance to get away, Jake. You don't want a piece of this after Ed's nearly put you out. You won't wake up if I finish it."

"I said fuck you, Emmett," Jake sneered. "Why don't you worry about your own problems…go home and take care of that poor, drunk mother of yours." The group gasped collectively. Edward stiffened and took a step toward Jake again, but I pulled on him as hard as I could.

"You _motherfucker!_" Emmett lunged on top of Jake, cocked his arm back and I buried my face in Edward's chest. Just as he was about to punch Jake, we heard tires squealing, car doors slamming and someone shouting.

"Don't move!"

We all froze as I don't know how many cops approached us, guns drawn. I'd never been so scared in all my life. I clung to Edward like my life depended on it. Then I heard a voice I recognized.

"I got this, Sergeant."

Sam?

I shifted my eyes to see them approaching. I couldn't see all of them…there were a lot of cops. Shit. But, I saw two figures emerge from the blur of my periphery. Sam…and Sergeant Hawkins.

Seriously? Were they the _only_ cops constantly on duty in this godforsaken city?

"Bella?" Heather walked over to me, holstered her gun and pulled me from Edward's arms. "Are you okay? Are you…" She took in Edward's appearance then looked at Jake. "Oh, shit," she muttered.

"I'm fine," I said, my voice trembling a little.

"Sergeant, I said I've got this. You know I know these guys, just…let me handle it, okay?" His voice was subdued. He wasn't ordering, he was asking, his eyes pleading. She outranked him. That much was obvious. _Girl power! Okay, highly inappropriate given the circumstances, Bella._ She eyed him for a moment before nodding and abruptly turned to order the rest of the cops away. After a few protests, she asserted her authority and the officers grudgingly took off in their squad cars. She walked back to Sam and looked at me when she spoke.

"Did he hurt you again?" When I shook my head, she turned to Sam. "Radio me if you need anything…anything, understand?" Then she left, leaving Sam to clean up the mess in front of him.

Edward was unusually quiet. Glaring at Sam, he pulled me behind him discreetly but protectively. It was Emmett who spoke first, still frozen, arms above his head straddling Jacob, who was moaning in pain. I was sure Emmett's size wasn't helping Jake's injuries any.

"How fucking convenient! You come to save your little boyfriend, Sam?"

"Don't start, McCarty. From the looks of things, you and your boys here are in a heap-shit of trouble."

"Emmett didn't do anything!" Nicci blurted, and Sam turned a curious eye on her before addressing Em again.

"Get off of him. Nice and slow. Keep your hands where I can see them." When Emmett did as he was told, Sam turned to Edward. He took in his appearance then his eyes shifted to Jake. "Now, tell me what the fuck happened here tonight."

After a flurry of voices and accusations, from everyone except for Edward, Sam reluctantly came to the conclusion that, since Edward attacked first, he had no choice other than to arrest him. This was even after I told him Edward was protecting me, that Jake was manhandling me…a-fucking-gain. It didn't matter. Edward should have left with me, walked away, but I knew that would've never happened. I was devastated. _Devastated. _And pissed-the-hell-off.

"I _hate _you, Sam. I really do," I said as calmly as I could. He had the nerve to look at me apologetically.

"I'm sorry, Bella, but I have to."

Victoria, that bitch, had jumped in and tried to get him to arrest me too. Saying I assaulted her and rubbing her cheek. I wanted to assault her ass again, but I clenched my fist at my side instead. I stifled my hysterical laughter when the entire lot of people, including Riley – because he really didn't – told him they didn't see me do anything to her.

"You get the hell out of here, Victoria," Sam pointed at her and she flinched. "I know you and you haven't changed a fucking bit. Get your …whoever he is and get out of here. Take Jake to the hospital…" Jake groaned and coughed as he sat up and unsteadily got to his feet, swaying back and forth. "I think he needs it."

"I'm fine, _asshole,_" Jake spat. I was a little taken aback by his disdain toward Sam.

"Take him!" Sam yelled at Victoria and Riley, who jumped into action and grabbed Jacob, walking him away from us. "Edward," Sam looked at him with an unreadable expression. "We need to go."

"Man, this is fucking _bullshit_ and you know it, Sam!" Emmett protested. The rest of us were silent, including Edward.

"Shut up, Emmett!" Sam bellowed, still looking at Edward. "Edward, you know I have to."

Edward nodded and took a couple steps from me.

"Edward!" I cried, not particularly sure what I wanted to say to him, just that I didn't want this. He turned to me, a foreboding look in his eyes. My stomach dropped instantly.

"What did he mean?" he asked, searching my face for something and clenching his jaw tightly. I shook my head, not understanding what he was asking me. "He said…he said I 'knocked her up' and then he said I 'moved on to her own family' and I…I knocked Rose up too. Who's…_her?"_ His eyes were turbulent, the greens swirling and changing from liquid to solid and darkening.

He knew. _Oh God, he knew!_ How could he not after what Jake said. I heard Alice audibly gasp and I felt the world fall out from beneath my feet. I only wished it literally would. I wished there was a black hole I could just fall into. But there wasn't. The black hole was my own lies and denials.

"E—Edward," I stuttered.

"Who's _her?" _he asked again, his eyes starting to water. "Y—you almost died? Was that literal? Because if that was literal and I wasn't there…how could…"

"Edward," I said, with a little more vigor and taking step toward him. He stepped back from me and my heart plummeted. "This isn't—"

He gasped and lifted a shaking finger toward me. "That's why you went to Florida? That's why you were gone for so long? Oh holy _shit_…"

"Edward, this isn't the time to—"

"Just say the _fucking words_, Bella!" he bellowed, closing the gap between us and grasping my arms, forcing me to look at him. "Say them! I deserve to know! Is he lying? Tell me he's _lying!"_

"He's not! It was _me!" _I cried out, sobbing, unable to look at him. "I was…I—I was pregnant…" I gasped for air, unable to control myself, the floodgates were open and once again, I was devastated. "I was pregnant when I went to Florida. I'm so sorry, Edward! I'm so sorry; I shouldn't have kept it from you! I'm so sorry!" No matter how many times I repeated the words, it would never be enough. I knew that.

He let me go abruptly and stepped back. I dared to look at him and, when I did, my world fell apart. The pain on his face was palpable. I felt it in my bones, gutting me from the top of my chest to the bottom of my stomach.

"How could you?" He clenched his jaw and squeezed his eyes shut. "How could you not tell me?" His voice wavered and he sucked in a labored breath, opening his eyes to look at me with devastation in his. Oh God. I'd broken him. I would never forgive myself and I knew he'd never forgive me. "How could you…not let me…be there for…oh _Jesus." _He grabbed a fist full of hair and turned away from me.

"Edward!" I went to run after him, but he turned back abruptly; there was no mistaking what was in his eyes this time. Tears.

"Did you…almost die?" he asked; his voice thick with emotion. I froze. I knew that part would hurt him worse than anything else. Finally, I nodded once. He let out a harsh breath and shook his head. "And the…the baby?" He looked at me again, eyes squinted and forehead wrinkled with stress...every ounce of that stress was my fault.

I couldn't do this…I couldn't do this! Not right here…not right now! I felt as if the world stopped turning. My heart was pounding so loud in my ears; I couldn't hear anyone or anything other than his breaths. I couldn't feel anything other than his pain. I just stared at him, unprepared and fucking mute.

"Bella? Where's…_fuck_," he ran his hands over his face and rubbed his eyes. "What happened to the baby?"

I shook my head. Repeatedly, I shook my head as the tears flowed from my eyes like two demoralizing rivers, cutting into my cheeks.

"_Bella!" _He shouted. He walked back over and took hold of me again. "Where is…_our…_BABY?"

"I don't _know!" _I cried out.

* * *

_***Chapter end notes: Please don't kill me for the cliffie! You guys should know my M-O by now. *sigh* You knew it had to come out sometime, and it's pretty obvious Eddie's not going to take it well. Next chapter is about ¾ of the way done, and I'm not gonna lie, is going to be rough. It'll be rough for a few chapters, really, but all I can ask is that you trust me. For now, let's just focus on that beat-down! As always, thank you so much for reading. **_

_**I'm going to try and get pics up of the girls' dresses and Edward's outfit. It might take a while. I'm working on a tumblr acct for this as well. I'll let you know when it's ready. **_

_**OH! One more thing. If you want the details of the "quickie" Bella described early on (with Edward, duh), and you didn't review last chapter, I'll offer it again for reviews of this one. But you have to ask for it, otherwise I won't know! 'Til next time!**_


	54. Chapter 50, Drowning in this Storm

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past  
Chapter 50 ~ Drowning in this Storm ~ Saving Abel/Lifehouse  
**Edward's POV

_***A/N: Amazing reviews from last chapter. I was feeling the love! I know it's hard to wait for an update, especially when there's a cliffy, but I'll continue to ask for your patience. Please try and remember that I have a family and a job, etc. and they have to come first before my obsession. I do work on it as much as I can, though. Thanks to all of you for your patience and loyalty. **_

_**THEsnapcrakklepop and fmneff, luffs you hard, girls! Thanks for cheering me on. **_

_***Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Don't own the songs either, but the one by Lifehouse is guaranteed to make your heart hurt just a little.  
*TISSUE WARNING, heartbreak ahead. **_

_**Song Link: Drowning - .com/watch?v=u3eGGD4l6gI  
Storm - .com/watch?v=QU6AhH2a1cU  
Tik Tok (Ke$ha) - .com/watch?v=GQ3f9UfTcVQ**_

* * *

"_Times before I walked through the valley below the sun,  
I've wandered endlessly and waited for my time to come…_

_**How long have I been in this storm, so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form,  
Water's getting harder to tread, with these waves crashing over my head…**_

_I think I'm drowning; can someone lend a hand  
Can someone save me? 'Cause I don't think I can…_

_**If I could just see you, everything would be alright,  
If I'd see you, this darkness would turn to light…**_

_I've come too far to turn around; it's hard to reach for you when I'm lying face down,  
I can't relieve my soul, I'm lost, I'm lost in a moment. Lying face down…_

_**And I will walk on water, and you will catch me if I fall,  
And I will get lost into your eyes; I know everything will be alright, I know everything is alright…**_

_Returning home I find myself wishing I was already gone  
But how long does it take to find me, well, I'm waiting for someone…_

_**I know you didn't bring me out here to drown; so why am I ten feet under and upside down?  
Barely surviving has become my purpose, 'cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface…**_

_I think I'm drowning; can someone lend a hand,  
Can someone save me? 'Cause I don't think I can…_

_**If I could just see you, everything would be alright,  
If I'd see you, this darkness would turn to light…**_

_I've come too far to turn around; it's hard to reach for you when I'm lying face down,  
I can't relieve my soul; I'm lost, I'm lost in a moment, lying face down…_

_**And I will walk on water, and you will catch me if I fall,  
And I will get lost into your eyes; I know everything will be alright; I know everything is alright."**_

* * *

I should've been happy. One would've thought I'd be happy after handing Captain Douche his ass on a silver, 'fuck you' engraved platter. But I wasn't. I wasn't happy, at all.

What else was new, right?

The shit storm that came about tonight was something I wasn't prepared for. In all honesty, the kicking of Jacob's ass was pretty fucking enjoyable. It was the rest of the information I wasn't sure what to do with. It was almost too hard to think about. Actually, it _was_ too hard to think about, but my brain obviously didn't give a fuck. Oh no, it kept playing what Bella told me tonight on repeat. Torturing me.

"_It was me! I was pregnant when I went to Florida!"_ She confessed it, but I already knew. I knew when Jacob said what he said. I just didn't want to believe it. I didn't want to believe that she would keep something like that from me…that she wouldn't have allowed me to be a part of deciding the fate of my own child, _our_ child…that she had almost _died_ because of it, was too much for me.

"_Bella! Where is our baby?" _I had asked her, and she cried that she didn't know. She didn't _know?_

"_What do you mean you don't know?" _I couldn't help myself but scream at her. How did she expect me to react to something like that? Was I supposed to be elated that she kept the most important thing – or would've been the most important thing in our relationship a secret for going on eleven years?

Ah, but we didn't _have_ a relationship at the time, did we? I'd made sure of that…with the help of my good buddies, Captain Douche and the red-headed whore. God, I was so fucked. I was so fucking fucked in the head.

But none of that mattered. She should've fucking told me! She robbed me of making that decision – to decide whether I wanted to be a father or not.

The only thing I could get out of her, before Sam dragged me away from her, was that she was unconscious during the birth and she was never told if the baby lived or died. Because she fucking gave it up, _if _it lived.

A recent memory slammed into me like a freight train and I found my breath rushing from me all at once. Lauren, my young, pregnant patient who nearly died from complications of her pregnancy; whose baby _did_ die, and who chose not to know anything about the child because she was planning to give it up for adoption anyway. _Christ,_ it all made sense now. Bella needing to talk to me. Her reaction at the park when I told her what happened, when I told her about the baby and about the adoption that never had a chance to take place. She had nearly fallen over when I explained how Lauren chose not to know what happened to the baby. I couldn't have known then, but I knew now. She may have been reacting to the gravity of the ordeal, but the majority of her reaction had to do with her own experience.

The experience of giving birth to _my_ child and nearly dying from it. The experience she robbed me of going through with her.

Fuck! And I thought she was really feeling for me, being there for me, when actually she was drowning in her own self-deprecating guilt. Or denial. Or denial of guilt. At this point, my head was such a wreck, I had no idea. She could've told me then. But she didn't. It would've been a tough pill to swallow after the day I'd had – _I fucking know that_ – but now it was too late. I loved her too much. I fucking loved her more than my own life.

But I didn't know how to get past this.

Christ, I couldn't stop thinking about it and I wanted to talk to her. I just didn't know if I could. I _wanted_ to scream and yell at her. I wanted her to know how much this hurt me. All of it, goddamn it. Not just the baby part. That was bad enough, but the part where she almost died and I wasn't there.

I wasn't there.

But, the baby part was… my baby, Bella's baby. A dream come true – for me at least – and she shattered it. I wanted to know why she did it.

_Why?_

The problem was, I was sitting in the back of a motherfucking police car on my way to motherfucking jail with my hands cuffed behind my _motherfucking_ back. Yeah, my former _friend_ had cuffed me. The goddamned things were cutting into my wrists, by the way. I didn't know how actual criminals made it look so easy to basically sit on your hands with thick metal bands on them. The shit was uncomfortable. I guess I gave him no choice when I kept yelling at Bella and ignoring him. The asshole threatened to charge me with resisting. _Resisting_. I wasn't fucking resisting. I was stunned, shocked, trying to process, needing answers, but I was not fucking resisting.

The more my brain kept torturing me, the more I felt like I was drowning, like I couldn't breathe. Apparently, my thoughts were manifesting themselves physically and I must have gasped out loud because Detective _motherfucking_ Uley suddenly decided to speak to me.

"You okay back there, man?"

"Oh, just peachy, Detective. How about yourself? You doing okay up there?" I spat. I was in no mood for his phony concern.

"Edward—"

"Don't! Just…don't…act like you give a shit. And it's Doctor Cullen to you."

"Aren't doctors supposed to heal people, not beat the shit out of them?"

"Now's not the time to patronize me, Detective."

He laughed. He actually fucking laughed. Call me fucking crazy but I found absolutely nothing funny about this situation. "I wasn't patronizing you, Edward, but don't you think you may have been a little over zealous tonight?" I didn't answer him. "Look, man, I know—"

"You don't know _anything!"_ I thought about that for less than a second. "Or maybe you know _everything. _Huh," I chuckled humorlessly. "I bet you're getting a big kick out of this, Detective. Got me right where you want me? What, you couldn't pin some fucking rapes on me, so you had to arrest me however you could?"

"That's bullshit! You know I was just doing my job, Edward."

I ignored him, continuing my maniacal rambling. "You've known Jacob forever. You…oh, you _fucking_ knew about Bella's little secret, didn't you? And you called me your friend. Just like you called Bella your friend when you knew what Jake did with Leah and neglected to tell her about it! Wow, man, you're really a good guy, you know that?"

"You're wrong," he cut in. His eyes flashed to mine in the rear-view, then back to the dark road ahead.

"About what exactly? The part where you knew everything and kept it to yourself? Or the part where you're a good person? Because that was a fucking joke. You disgust me." I let out a breath and shook my head. This was so unbelievably fucked up.

"Yeah, well I pretty much disgust myself," he muttered, probably not intending for me to actually hear it.

"That's rich," I retorted, glaring at the back of his head. "You _know_ he deserved it. You _know_ what he fucking did to her, De-fucking-tective! Hell, you've probably seen more than _I_ have. But, no! You still have to play the goddamned game, don't you? Still have to make me the bad guy. Take me to jail. For _what?"_

"Come on, Edward, you know why!" Perfect. I was pissing him off. Not a good idea given my situation at present. The problem was, I couldn't even make myself care. "I'm a cop. I can't overlook what you did tonight."

"I did what I had to do," I muttered.

"Assault and battery? Please, Edward I hardly think that assault with a deadly weapon, putting someone in the hospital, was necessary, do you?"

"What?" I laughed. "What deadly weapon are you referring to exactly?" I knew what he was going to say.

"Don't play dumb, asshole. Everyone who knows you, knows what you're capable of. Your whole fucking body is a deadly weapon, Edward, and you abused your skills tonight.

"What I fucking _did_ was protect Bella from that sadistic asshole. God only knows what he would've done to her if he'd taken her out of there, man. You may know what _I'm_ capable of, but you know what _he's_ capable of too. I'd die before I ever laid a hand on her." My voice broke a little, making me feel even more like the pathetic idiot I was.

He was quiet for some time and so was I, my head lying back on the seat of the car and my eyes clenched shut, trying to keep my emotions at bay.

"What I do know," he stated finally, "is that you two need to talk."

I snorted. Like an adolescent who'd gotten busted for…whatever…and was rebelling against the big bad cop. It hadn't escaped my attention that I was, in fact, a doctor and entirely too intelligent to have found myself in the position I was in. "That depends on who you're referring to, Detective, because if it's Jacob Black and I, that ship's sailed. You saw how that turned out tonight."

"No, Edward. I was referring to you and Bella."

Rage coursed through me instantly. "Like that's any of your business."

"It's not," he replied sighing. "But I've learned a thing or two along the way and most recently, I've figured out that amongst all the manipulation and bullshit going on with the people I know…or _knew_…" His eyes cut to mine again. "If any two people have a chance in the world of making it, it's you and Bella."

I was stunned fucking dumb for a minute. Finally, I cleared my throat and, when I found my voice again, I tried to keep my sarcastic aloofness in place. "Well, it makes it a little difficult to have a heart to heart with someone when your locked up in the back of a police car, hand-cuffed and on your way to jail, doesn't it, Detective."

He sighed again and I felt the car slow a bit. "Yeah, I guess it does." The car slowed even more, and when he pulled over to the side of the road, I panicked a little. I could see that we weren't at the police station yet; we were about two blocks away and honestly, I was helpless in these cuffs. I had no idea what he was doing.

"What are you doing? We're not there yet," I stated the obvious. "What, are you gonna shoot me now?" I chuckled humorlessly. "Because that would be just perfect. Put me out of my fucking misery, man. Perfect end to a perfectly fucked up night."

"Shut up, Edward," he hissed as he grabbed the door handle and got out. I waited for him to pull me out of the car and, I didn't know, get a couple good shots in for kicking the shit out of his boy? But, he didn't. Instead he pulled out his cell phone and paced beside the car. I couldn't hear what he was saying, but I couldn't have imagined it was anything good. When he got back into the car, he was silent.

"That was interesting," I muttered under my breath as he continued driving, ignoring me.

Finally, I felt the car pull into a parking lot and stop. I looked out the window for the first time since he'd stopped the car and I recognized where I was instantly. And _instantly_ I was filled with a sense of panic and dread. Had I ventured to look out the window before this, I would've realized he wasn't driving to the police station anymore. He was driving here instead.

Alice's apartment.

"What the fuck are you doing?" He sat there in silence for a few seconds, contemplating or ignoring me, I wasn't sure which, but it felt like hours. "Sam?" I said tentatively. "What is this?"

"I'm just trying to make it right, man," he offered quietly. "I know I've done wrong by you and Bella…especially Bella, she deserves a chance to talk to you about this."

"So you're not taking me to jail now? Gee, how can I ever thank you?" My inner voice was yelling at me to stop with the fucking sarcasm, but again, I couldn't bring myself to care.

"Look, asshole, don't make me change my mind." He sighed. "I called Alice when I stopped the car and asked her if I could bring you here. So you could talk, work this out. You need to, Edward, if not for you, for her. Let her explain, okay?"

I was shocked by the gesture, but inherently a little pissed off that he would assume I was willing and ready to deal with this tonight. I wasn't. "Well, you might as well let me out so I can call a cab. I'm not doing this tonight, Sam!"

"What? No more _Detective?_ It's _Sam_ now? You must be warming up to me already."

"Be still my fucking heart. Let me out."

He shook his head. "Nope, it's either you get in there and talk to her, or I take you to jail. It's your choice, Doctor Cullen."

_Goddamn it! _

I cursed a few times out loud, and then I looked through the windshield to see a small figure emerging from the front door of the building, huddled in a very stylish coat. Alice. Fuck, I was so not ready to do this tonight. Thankfully, my exertions at the club rendered me virtually sober, but they also left me both physically and mentally exhausted. And to be quite honest, on top of all that, I was terrified to hear the answers to the questions I knew I needed to ask her. I watched as Sam got out of the car and walked to meet Alice. He said a few things to her and then leaned down as she wrapped her arms around him for a quick hug. Fucking perfect, everybody was best friends again.

When he finally let me out and un-cuffed me, I nearly moaned in relief as I rubbed the now tender skin around my wrists. Sam didn't say another word, only got back in the car and took off, leaving me there, staring at Alice warily.

"Where's…uh, is…is she…" Christ, I couldn't even form a sentence.

"She's upstairs," Alice replied to my muddled question. _Of course she's upstairs, moron. Where else would she be? Hiding in the bushes in the frigid Chicago night air? _"And she's doing okay…for now." Her statement was foreboding, and I felt my stomach drop and twist in my body. "Come on." She jerked her head toward the door. I took a deep breath, nodded and followed behind her.

As we approached the elevators, Alice looked back at me. "Jesus, you look like shit, Edward," she muttered sarcastically. For the first time since this bullshit started tonight, I actually laughed.

"Thanks, but you, uh, you should see the other guy."

She smirked at me as she pressed the up arrow for the elevator. "I did. And for what it's worth, I'm glad you kicked the shit out of that asshole."

I nodded my response, smiling slightly, feeling a sense of relief that she didn't hate me for yelling at her sister. I wasn't sure, however, how she would feel about me after the impending conversation. I guess we'd see, but as we stepped onto the elevator, all playful rhetoric was gone. I felt my body begin to tremble slightly, but if Alice noticed, she didn't let on. I looked at her for what felt like a million years, but she kept her eyes trained on the glowing red numbers indicating we were getting closer to certain doom. The silence was deafening, the tension oppressive, and I couldn't take it anymore.

"You knew," I said to her, not fully understanding why I chose that to say or whether or not it was accusatory. I just needed to say it.

She cut her eyes to me quickly and then away. "Of course I knew, Edward, I'm her sister." I nodded because I knew that too. "And before you get pissed at me, you need to understand that I was under no obligation to tell you anything. You understand that my loyalty lies with her. It always will."

"I know," I whispered. My throat felt thick. I needed to get my shit together before I saw Bella and blew up on her again. I didn't want to blow up on her. Fuck, I didn't know what I was going to do, but what I did know was that I had no choice other than to suck it up…be a man…and try not to fall apart.

~*fOrSaKeN*~

Bella stood to face me when I walked into the living room, except she didn't necessarily face me. Her eyes were averted from mine, cast down toward the floor, hands wrung together in front of her.

"Hey," I said quietly, unsure of how else to greet her.

She looked up at me and gasped. Her eyes roamed over my face, down to my crumpled shirt and to the bloodied sleeve. I had no clue where the fuck my leather jacket was. I was hoping Emmett or Jazz or _somebody_ in our group had grabbed it in the chaos on the way out. It didn't matter anyway. The jacket didn't fucking matter. What mattered was the person standing in front of me. She was, in a word, a mess. She hadn't changed out of her dress, but had taken the boots off and was standing barefoot. Her hair was tangled and jostled on top as if she'd been running her hands through it, or fisting it in despair. Despair I had caused…or she had caused…maybe a little of both. Her eyes were red-rimmed and puffy underneath, accentuated by the smudges of the black mascara that had mingled with her tears and run down her cheeks. Even with all of that, she still looked so incredibly beautiful that she took my breath away. I tried to look away from her, to ease the ache in my chest, but I couldn't. She gasped again when she took in my bloodied knuckles, and then let out a long, slow breath as she wrapped her arms around her torso…as if holding herself together.

"Hey," she replied so softly it was almost a whisper. God, I hated it when she did that. I hated it when she looked so vulnerable, so fragile that she had to hold herself together. Whether it was my doing or her doing didn't matter. I wanted to run to her. I wanted to scoop her up in my arms and tell her everything was going to be okay, that it didn't matter, that I loved her anyway, that I would love her until my last breath no matter how much it hurt me or how pathetic it made me.

But I didn't.

I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to say anything else.

"You're…you're bleeding," she almost whispered. Her voice quivered with emotion and I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces. "Can I…w—will you let me…" she trailed off, looking away again.

"I'm already on it." I heard Alice before I saw her go into the kitchen, washcloth in hand, and fill a bowl with water. She walked into the living room and pointed at me, then the sofa. "Sit," she said simply, and handed the objects to Bella.

"I don't need—"

"Please," Bella did whisper this time, her eyes filling with tears. "Please let me?" There was nothing I could do but nod.

I hissed when she gently placed the washcloth on my forehead – where I'd head-butted Jacob. "I'm sorry," she said, quickly pulling the washcloth back.

I shook my head. "No, it's okay." She sighed and dipped the cloth back into the water. Squeezing the excess out of it, she placed it on my bottom lip lightly. She repeated the gesture a couple times, and then pulled my right hand onto her lap. She ran her forefinger over the back of it, just under my busted knuckles. I could feel the electric hum between us just from her light touch and I closed my eyes tightly. _Fuck, I can't fucking do this._ I heard her let out a harsh breath and opened my eyes to see a single tear drop from her down-turned head and splash onto her knee.

"It's not okay," she said, shaking her head. I pulled her chin up with my finger to make her look at me. Her blue eyes were exceptionally bright in contrast to the tears and blood vessels decorating the whites of them with a red hue.

"Bella, I'm fine," I tried to reassure her. "They're just superficial cuts. I'll be okay."

"I know," she nodded. I cupped her cheek with my left hand and she leaned into it, closing her eyes. "That wasn't what I meant."

"Oh." _Oh._

I pulled my hand from her face and her eyes flew open. There was no way on this green motherfucking earth, I could touch her while we talked about this. No way would my brain process it properly if I had any contact with her. Hell, I could barely look at her. The hurt on her face was like a knife to my belly. I stood and walked a couple steps away before turning around. She had set the bowl and washcloth on the end-table and was back to holding herself together with her arms, eyes down-cast, not meeting my gaze. _Goddamn it!_

"I…" I hesitated, because although I knew what I was here for, I wasn't sure I could hear any of it. "I think we need to talk."

She nodded and looked up at me, cheeks streaked with fresh tears. "Will you…" She took a breath, her tone thick with emotion; her words choppy and unsteady. "Will you stay with me af—after?"

I looked at her for a moment. _I'll always stay with you, baby_, I wanted to say. But I didn't. Instead, I shook my head. "I can't promise you that, Bella."

"Okay," she whispered, nodding. "Will you…can we sit?" I didn't answer verbally, just sat on the sofa. She sat a few feet away from me, took a deep breath, and began wringing her hands together again. The space between us was killing me, but if I was being completely honest, I felt it was better that way. Maybe she did too. I gritted my teeth and swallowed before the question fell from my lips.

"When did you find out?"

She didn't have to ask me to elaborate; she knew what I was asking. Her head snapped up to meet my burning stare and she cleared her throat. "Um, about a month…a—after I left you."

Well, wasn't that a twist of the knife in my gut. More like a stab to the heart. I squeezed my eyes shut at the memory and tried to breathe. When I opened my eyes again, she was searching my face, waiting patiently for my next question.

"And you just…left? You just picked up and went to Florida?" I shook my head, my voice and – I was sure – my face betraying the stoicism I was trying to play.

Her bottom lip trembled and she simply nodded her head.

"_Why?"_ My voice rose slightly and I cut myself off. I didn't want to yell. I had to keep it together. I didn't want to yell at her. "You didn't think to…tell me…you…" I sighed. "Didn't think I had the right to know?"

She shrugged sadly as another tear trailed its way down her already stained cheek. I watched it, unable to look in her eyes. God, but I wanted to wipe it away. I wanted to wipe all of this away.

"I was…so confused, and h—hurt after what you did, I—I didn't know what to do."

My broken heart was now metaphorically bleeding all over the place. Fucking drowning me in my own remorse and hypocrisy at the mention of what I'd done to her. _Fucking, goddamn Victoria._ I pushed it away and focused on the events that had played out without my knowledge. I didn't know which was worse.

"So you just kept it from me," I huffed. "You had something like eight months to think about it, and you _still_ never came to the conclusion that I would _want_, no I would _need_ to know about it? _Fuck!" _I stood up and ran my hands through my hair.

"Edward," she whispered. "You, more than anyone, know what a woman's hormones are like when she's pregnant. Especially if she's already under an enormous amount of stress."

I whipped my head around to look at her incredulously. "Don't do that. Don't make excuses like that! I should've been aware of what was_ happening_, Bella! You didn't even give me a…" I sucked air through my teeth, grasping at my hair again. "…chance to be a part of it." I felt my throat tightening and tried to clear it, to no avail.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered. I heard the sound of her sobs beginning again, and it nearly buckled my knees. But as much as I wanted to, I couldn't go to her. I couldn't do it. I just stood there, empty, lifeless, watching my world fall apart around me. Until the rage hit me like a bolt of lightning. Thinking of what else that motherfucker had said to me. He'd been there, with her. _He_ had…watched her belly grow each month with my baby inside. _Jesus Christ!_ I clenched my fists at my sides and glared at her.

"But you weren't too confused to have _Jacob_ come down there and be with you, were you?" I growled his name then grimaced. The words tasted like shit on my tongue.

Her head snapped up to me; her eyes wide. "I didn't! He…he called me, to check on me, and…and I told him not to come. I told him not to, but…"

"But he did anyway, and you welcomed him with open arms." I knew that would her hurt. The words even stung me as I said them, but I couldn't stop them.

"No! Edward, please…p—please," she hiccuped on her sobs, and although my heart was breaking with hers, I still couldn't move, couldn't find it in me to comfort her. "He called me for a month…a month! Relentlessly, and then…then he just…showed up. I didn't want him there at first."

"At first?" I laughed humorlessly. I couldn't fucking believe what I was hearing. It had taken me a ridiculous amount of time to get her to go out with me, and it had taken her _obviously_ less time to let him into her heart.

"I—I just fell into it, Edward." She coughed. "I needed…I needed a friend and he was that to me, for a very long time, he was _just_ that to me. Didn't you just _fall_ into it with Victoria…w—with Rosalie?" Her anger was now coming through her tears and I flinched at the names she just dropped like bombs on my head.

And I snapped.

"That's not fucking FAIR! I was drunk!" I started to pace in front of her. "And you left me! I tried, Bella. I fucking _tried_ to get to you. I tried to talk to you. Nobody would tell me where you WERE! Your fucking Dad met me at the door with a goddamned rifle!" I clenched my jaw so hard I thought I might break a tooth in order to rein in my rage.

"I'm so sorry, Edward!" She put her face in her hands and sobbed, twisting the knife a little more.

"I'm sorry too," I whispered. I looked at her. "Bella, please look at me." She did as I asked, slowly. "I'm sorry that I hurt you back then. If I'd have known…" I shook my head. "I would've been there for you, every step of the way. Every second, I would've been by your side. I'm sorry I hurt you so badly that you couldn't trust me to decide for myself whether I wanted to be a father." My voice began to tremble. I was losing the battle. I couldn't stop it, though. No matter how hard I clenched my jaw. No matter how tightly I clenched my fists. The motherfucking tears still filled my eyes. "I would've chosen to be one, you know, a father. I would've chosen that because I loved you more than my own fucking life, Bella. Even if I didn't realize how much I loved you back then. Even after I fucked up and made the worst mistake of my _entire_ life. I still deserved to know…to—to choose for myself." Despite my efforts to hold it back, a lone tear slipped over my eyelid and trailed down my cheek. I wiped it away violently.

"Oh Edward, I never meant to hurt you like this."

"No one's ever hurt me as much as you, Bella." I shook my head and she flinched at my statement. "And no one ever will, because I'll never love anyone as much as I've loved you."

"Loved?" she asked.

I didn't reply, only looked at the floor in front of my feet.

"Why did you let him stay?" I asked. Not wanting to know the truth, but needing it. And all of a sudden, I felt sick to my stomach. "Oh my God!" I gasped, pointing an accusatory finger at her. "Were you…_fuck_…were you seeing him before we broke up?"

"What? _God, _no, Edward! You don't understand! I've never loved anyone more than you. Like you said, I never will. I never will." She whispered the last part. "I—I don't know what else to say."

I looked at her incredulously. "You could tell me why. All these years have passed. I know we weren't exactly…close…but you couldn't have ever told me? My God…_why? _You still haven't answered that question, Bella."

She swallowed thickly and wiped her face with her hands. "Because it would've ruined your life, Edward."

"Again," I took a deep breath. "Something you should've let me decide. For. MYSELF!" She jumped at the sound of my angry voice. I was expecting Alice to come around the corner at any second and throw me out, but she didn't.

"I knew how you would react, Edward! I knew you would drop everything to be with me. To—to take care of me and the baby, but I couldn't let you do it!"

"No…NO!" I shouted. "It would've been…okay, Bella! We would've gotten through it…together." Another tear fell from my fucking eyes. Another knife-twist in my gut. Another wave of nausea.

"Baby, listen to me." She got up and walked toward me, reaching her hands out to touch me.

"Don't…fucking _do_ that," I hissed. She flinched. God, I was an asshole, but I couldn't help it. "Do you know how many times I've dreamed," I tried in vain to clear the emotion from my throat. "_Wanted…_wished that we'd had a child together? Every time I look at Kellan, I wish he was ours. Every fucking time I look at Krissy and Robby…I know, Bella, I _know_ they're his kids, but goddamn it, I wish they were mine!"

Her face crumpled impossibly more and she dropped her head into her hands. Her shoulders shook with the force of her sobs. "Oh God, Edward, I'm so sorry. I…didn't know."

"No you didn't. You couldn't. But you didn't give me the chance to know either. And you should have." My voice was a mere whisper now. Detached, not quite numb, but I wished I was.

"Edward, you were almost finished with medical school. I didn't want to be responsible for you quitting what you'd worked so hard for. I didn't want to be that burden to you. I didn't want you…I didn't want you to resent me, and it would've happened. You know it would've."

"No, I don't!" I spat. "Jesus fucking Christ! It wasn't like we were teenagers, Bella! Who says I would've had to quit anything. Oh, right. YOU! You obviously didn't know me very fucking well." I turned to walk away from her, but she grabbed my arm.

"No, please! Please don't leave, Edward!"

I stopped. How could I not? I was wrong before. Because this war inside my body was far worse than anything I had ever experienced. I needed to get away from her. I needed to leave…to just think…but I couldn't. I couldn't do anything but stand there…and revel in her touch.

"Tell me what happened when you had…it. Did you…I mean, did you know what it was. Was it a boy, or a, um, a girl?" I wasn't sure why I would ask that. Oh, right – because I was a masochistic motherfucker who just wanted to torture myself even more.

She swallowed and her eyes widened before she shook her head. "N—no, I never found out."

"Tell me what happened," I pleaded. "Please."

She took a deep, shaky breath and let go of my arm. I winced at the separation. "I was…I was almost full term, maybe a week before my…due date. The placenta detached," she started, her voice sounding hollow and detached.

"Placenta previa," I muttered absently.

"Yes." She nodded. "They rushed me to the hospital and I had to have an emergency C-section. I don't remember anything about the birth. I know the baby was in trouble too, but I don't…I don't know if…" she trailed off, shaking her head.

"You don't know if it lived or died." It wasn't a question. That much had been established.

"No, I don't."

I clenched my jaw again. That she didn't allow me to be there, no matter how much it would've hurt to see her in that kind of condition, in that much trouble, was the worst kind of pain for me. "You're right. You could've died. And what do you think that would've done to me, Bella?"

She just looked at me, eyes wide and swimming in tears.

"I'll tell you." My voice cracked again, as I choked out the rest of it on my own fucking sob. "It would've killed me too, Bella. It would've _killed_ me. I always hoped we would be together again, always. But if you'd have died…because of something _I_ did to you? Because of any reason really." I shook my head, unable to finish my sentence. When my emotions were somewhat checked, I spoke again. "You think hearing about this now hurts any less?" I gasped and stepped back away from her. "It doesn't. I don't know what to think. I don't know what to believe anymore."

"Edward, _please_ believe that I didn't keep this from you to hurt you," she cried. "I wanted to tell you, so badly, I was…"

"You wanted to tell me at the park that day." Again, not a question.

She nodded, her chin quivering. "I wanted to tell you, but then you talked about…your p—patient and…and I was afraid…"

"Of what?"

"I was afraid you'd hate me!"

I swallowed the giant lump in my throat as I took in the sight of her…fragile, broken just as much as I was, devastated. I fought with myself again, wanting to wrap her up in my arms and tell her everything would be okay. But everything wasn't okay…and as much as it scared the living shit out of me, I wasn't sure that it ever would be again. How could I trust her if she could keep something as big as this a secret for eleven years?

"Well, that's never going to happen, Bella." I sighed. "I could never hate you. I fucking love you too much. Don't you know that?" I didn't give her a chance to answer. "But I don't think I can be around you right now."

Her head snapped up. Her eyes were so wide that she looked like a scared little girl. _Fuck_, she was killing me. "No, Edward, please don't leave."

"I h—have to," I said, fighting my boiling emotion again. "I need…I just need to think. I need some time." I turned to walk toward the door and she ran toward me.

"No, Edward, _don't!"_

I turned back to her. I couldn't stop my actions as I reached up and cupped her devastated face with both my palms. Pulling her toward me, meeting her half way, I pressed my lips to hers. It was a quick kiss, but enough to shatter my resolve. I didn't want it to end, but I ended it before I literally couldn't. I pulled my lips from hers, gasping. My eyes were burning with emotion as I leaned my forehead on hers.

"I have to go," I choked on my words. "Please…_please_ don't call me." With that, I grabbed the door handle and wretched it open, slamming it behind me. I didn't stop until I got outside of the building. The elevator ride, the doorman's questioning glare – all of it was a blur…objects in my vision obstructed by the tears that wouldn't seem to let me go. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and called a cab. I recited the address mechanically and then shoved the thing back into my pocket. I let the freezing air wash over my face but it didn't help. I thought about walking over to the brick part of the building and punching it, but one look at my knuckles and I knew that was a bad idea. I did walk over to it, though. But instead of punching it, I reached out to steady myself…and I collapsed to my knees. Finally letting my emotions go, I allowed the sobs to rack me until I felt I would drown in them, until I couldn't breathe and had to work to catch my breath. That was when I heard a car approach.

"Hey, uh, you okay, man?" The cabbie asked as I slid into the back seat. It was the second time I'd heard someone ask me that question. Only this time, it was a stranger and I wasn't about to let myself go again.

I cupped my hands over my face and wiped away the tears, dirt and blood. "Yeah, man, fine. I just need to go home. The Fisher Building, 343 Dearborn," I told him. It was all I had to say. He nodded and, as we pulled away, I looked back at the building where I had walked away from Bella, where I had left my heart, broken and bleeding on the floor at her feet.

~*fOrSaKeN*~

The incessant buzzing of my goddamned cell phone woke me the next morning. It felt like a fucking jackhammer on my chest, where I'd left it when I fell asleep. Passed out was more like it actually, because as I lifted my left hand, I noticed it was still clutching the fifth of Jack Daniels I had drowned my pathetic sorrows in when I stumbled into my apartment last night.

I wanted to ignore my phone. And I did. I _really _wanted to take a swig of the bottle in my hand and start my inebriation process all over again. My body felt like the devil himself had used me as a punching bag and my mouth tasted like a hundred monkeys had taken a shit in it. When I sat up, the jackhammer that had been on my chest was now in my head.

Fucking…_ow_…goddamn.

I stumbled over my boots, cursing under my breath as I made my way to the bathroom to…I didn't know…shove my head in the toilet? Instead I turned on the water, gulped some straight out of the faucet, and then splashed some on my face. I eyeballed the bottle of Jack as I sauntered out of the bathroom, through the bedroom, holding my head and wishing for death. My phone buzzed again in my jeans pocket – because yeah, getting my pj's on last night wasn't my top priority – and it reverberated right the fuck up my spine and into my head. I fumbled to get it out of my pocket and, when I pulled up the screen, after squinting of course because the light was like a thousand needles straight into my eye sockets, I noticed it was Carlisle.

"Oh, fuck me," I grumbled to myself, reluctantly hitting 'send.' "Hello?" I mumbled as I opened one of the kitchen cabinets, only to get smacked in the top of my aching head by a plastic cup. _"Fuck,"_ I growled.

"Edward?"

"Yes, Carlisle, and you don't have to yell."

"I'm not yelling." That was why my head was exploding each time he uttered a syllable. I needed Ibuprofen…fucking STAT. "Son, you sound terrible. Are you sick?"

_Yes, in every possible way._

I cringed and pulled the phone from my ear. "No, I'm not sick. Just in need of water and massive amounts of Advil, Carlisle. Seriously, could you please talk a little quieter?"

"Well, then what's the matt— Oh," he said, way too motherfucking loudly.

Yeah, _oh. _I had a night full of those…and not the good kind. "Look, is there something you needed immediately, or can we talk later. Really, my head is about to explode."

He sighed. Never a good thing. "Would you mind telling me why I treated Jacob Black for broken ribs and a broken nose at about two o'clock this morning?"

_Oh, you have got to be kidding me. I needed to kick Sam's ass for not shooting me last night. _

"Um, I don't know Carlisle, because you're a doctor? And why were you treating broken ribs and a broken nose anyway? You're an orthopedic surgeon."

"Do not try to deflect, Edward. He asked for me specifically so he could rant and rave about you for two hours while I treated him!" I swore my skull did actually split a little bit at the volume of his voice. I cringed again. _Christ_, of course Jacob did that. That cock-sucking piece of shit. I wanted to beat his ass all over again.

I sighed into the phone…long and hard. "He tried to hurt her again, Dad." It wasn't a total lie. I knew he would've had he gotten her out of there before I came along.

"Where? At the club? While you guys were singing? How did that go by the way?" Yeah, I _really _didn't want to do this today.

"No after. And it was great…until then. Look, Dad, I really, _really _don't want to talk about it right now. Okay?"

"Okay," he replied. "Well, you really did a number on him." He chuckled. _What the hell? No, 'how could you be so irresponsible' speech? _Maybe there was a God after all. "How's Isa— um, Bella doing after that?"

_Fuck me ten ways to Sunday. _"I don't know, Dad. I mean, yeah, I got her away from him before he did anything, but…" I cleared my throat. The raw memories of seeing her, talking to her, made my stomach clench and my eyes water. "We kind of had a…falling out."

"I'm sorry," he said, sadness lacing his tone.

"I, uh, I found out she had a baby…_my_ baby after she left me all those years ago. She never told me. No one did. And she almost died having it. She, uh, doesn't even know if it lived or not." I sighed, feeling a little better having gotten that off my chest. "Can you believe that?" My voice wavered, so I cleared my throat again. Carlisle was silent on the other end of the line for several seconds. I couldn't blame him. Anyone would've been stunned. It wasn't something you heard every day. Finally, I heard him clear his throat.

"Edward, I'm so sorry. Do you…do you want to talk about it?"

"No," I said immediately. "I can't do it today, Dad, okay? Maybe another day but just…just not today." He conceded and told me his line was open whenever I needed him. I was grateful for that. He was the closest thing to a shrink I'd ever consider. He told me I was missed at the hospital, to which I responded that I would probably be going back the following week. There was no way I could stay in this apartment and wallow. I needed a distraction. I needed to work.

"Oh, one more thing, Edward," he said right before we hung up. He sounded a little reluctant to tell me and my heart sank.

"What is it?" A little girl with auburn hair and brilliant aqua-colored eyes flashed in my mind. I vaguely recalled dreaming about her last night. "Is it Kendyll?" He sighed, but I was relieved to hear that she had only been asking for me. I told him to let her know I'd be there the following night. Sunday. And for the first time in what felt like ages, I smiled.

~*fOrSaKeN*~

"Man, I've been trying to call you all day!" Emmett bellowed as he strolled into my apartment like he owned the place.

"Please, Emmett, come right in. Make yourself at home," I grumbled. "Mi casa es su casa and all that shit. To what do I owe this unexpected visit?" I followed up sarcastically." Jasper followed behind him, eyeing me warily.

"Well, dick, when you don't answer my calls, I'm forced to come over here and make sure you're still alive." As Emmett spouted off his answer, I noticed Jazz fisting two bottles of Patron in one hand, and margarita mix in the other.

Yeah, I'd have one of those…minus the margarita mix.

"Hey, man," Jasper greeted me. I nodded in response. "You got any limes?"

As a matter of fact, I did.

Emmett slammed a few bags of tortilla chips and a shit-load of salsa on the kitchen counter before he eyed me up and down like he was checking me out.

"What?" I spat.

"Dude, what the fuck happened to you last night?" I fucking knew he was going to bring it up.I knew it. I figured he wouldn't let it go. Not the gossip king of Eastern Illinois. And as usual, Emmett didn't disappoint. _Perfect. Just what I needed. _"First, you're on your way to jail…which was total horse shit, by the way…and the next thing I know, Alice is calling Jazz-man to say you were headed over there?" I just stared at him blankly, while my insides twisted and coiled, flooding my body with the panic I felt the night before all over again. Emmett raised his arms, palms up. "So, you gonna tell me what the fuck went down? Did you talk to her?"

I shook my head and, as always, clenched my jaw, trying not to lash out at him. "You know what, Emmett, you're lucky you brought booze and munchies, otherwise I'd have to kick your sorry ass out." He looked at me for a minute, contemplating. Then he placed his hand on his heart and smiled at me.

"I love you too, man," he retorted. _This motherfucker._ "Now stop changing the subject, dickwad."

I sighed. "Sam changed his mind," I said, shrugging like it was no big deal. It was, though, a very big fucking deal.

"Annnnnnd…" He raised his eyebrows.

"Emmett, man, leave him alone," Jazz chimed in. _Smart guy_. Emmett looked from him to me and back again, frowning in frustration.

"Who wants a shot?" I announced loudly, holding up the Patron. Em stared at me silently and I stared back…pointedly. Realization flickered in his eyes and he nodded at me.

"Alright, man. You're the boss tonight. You don't wanna talk about it…" He shrugged, grabbing the bottle. "Cool with me." I nodded in response.

_Fucking thank you! _Again, maybe there was a God up there somewhere.

While Emmett busied himself pulling shot glasses out of the cabinet and opening the first bottle of what I was about to whet my palate with, I nudged Jasper with my shoulder. "Hey, Jazz?" He looked at me expectantly and I took a deep breath. I really didn't want to ask, but the masochist in me couldn't help it. "Have you, uh, have you talked to Alice?"

His face took on a caring expression and he nodded slightly. "Earlier," he answered, watching my response carefully before he continued. "I asked her to hang out with me tonight, but she, uh, she said…"

"She's with Bella," I finished his sentence for him, knowing full well he was saying that she declined a date with him to take care of her sister. Fuck me, I felt the ripping and twisting of the proverbial blade in my gut again and grimaced.

"Is…she…" I didn't have to finish because Jazz clapped me on the shoulder and gave it a squeeze, just as Emmett slammed the shot glasses down near us and started pouring.

"She'll be alright, man," Jasper said, giving my shoulder another squeeze. "Just like you will."

"Jazz!" Emmett bellowed. "What the fuck? Stop fondling Edwina and slice up the limes!" Jasper responded with the double-fisted bird as I swallowed the lump in my throat, followed by my first shot of tequila, sans salt and lime.

A few…I wasn't sure…_shit_…some time later, one bottle of Patron – at least – was depleted, Jasper was sucking on margarita number…I didn't fucking know…and Emmett was drinking my Heinekens. That last part should've pissed me off because he hated Heineken, but I couldn't bring myself to give two shits. The room was just one big, gigantic blur and I could only make out my friends' faces when they were right in front of me. Suffice it to say, the majority of the tequila consumed was now running through my veins…like pure motherfucking gold. I felt myself nodding off when a sharp sting on my thigh had my head snapping to attention.

"Edwina!" Emmett, of course. "Wake up, you pussy, the main fight's half over and you're fucking sleeping!"

Oh, right, UFC…championship…ultimate fighting…thing…or some kind of bullshit. Why didn't they just say 'two guys beating the bloody shit out of each other in a ring?' Sounded fine to me. _But what do I know…nada…na—da, not a fucking thing. _

"Mmm, jizz rezzing my eyes, Emmemmett, mo'ffffucker," I slurred. Honestly, I had no fucking idea what I just said. I thought Emmett's blurred figure shook its head at me, but again, no idea.

"Holy _shit!"_ the two of them shouted in unison. "Edwina! Did you see that kick?" _No_, I pretty much couldn't see anything. "That's exactly what you did to Jake last night! Bad-ASS!"

"Emmett, man, shut up!" I heard Jazz retort. I didn't feel the knife this time, though, couldn't really feel anything at all.

"D'jjjou know I broke that mo'fu…asshole'sssssss nose?" Was that me talking again? Christ.

"Yeah, man, you wrecked his face pretty fucking good," Emmett replied before yelling, once again, at whatever was happening on the screen. "And then Sam, that dick, had to go and screw up my money shot. Just one more, man, just one more shot and that asshole would've been out cold."

"Emmett, seriously, shut the _hell _up."

"Get off my nuts, Jazz. I think he needs to talk about it. It'll do him some good."

"Not when he's…whoa! Ed? You okay, man? You look a little green."

"I'm jizz vine," I shoved…someone's…hand off my shoulder. "Right asssss fffffuggin rain…err whatever." I honestly had no goddamned clue what was coming out of my mouth.

"Okay?" Jasper sounded confused. Couldn't really blame him; so was I.

"I broke his…" I waved a blurry hand in front of my face. "Annnn then I broke his…" I waved the same blurry hand over my chest. "Whaaddever they're called."

"RIBS! Good God, is he that fucking drunk?" Sounded like Emmett, but there was a dull roar in my ears, so I couldn't be completely sure.

"Yes, dickhead! Look at him!"

"Yeah, those things!" I chuckled, or giggled. _Yeah, I actually believe I giggled. Fuck…me. _"Ribzzzzzz. My fuggin dad said I did a mumber, um, uh, a n—number on Captain Douche! You b'lieve that shit?" I laughed again, this time a little hysterically. "D'jjjou guys know Bella had a baby? Sh'had my fugginnn baby! How 'bout that shit, huh?"

"Oh lord…" Okay, that was definitely Jasper, because I heard the southern twang. "This was a bad idea, Emmett."

"Yeah, man, I think you're right. Yo, Edward? Edward?"

All I knew was that out of nowhere, the lights went out. And then I felt something tapping my face over and over again. I swiped at whatever it was and mumbled incoherently until I heard somebody…Jasper, I thought…saying my name repeatedly.

"Get off me!" I groaned.

"I'm not on you, man. Listen, we're gonna take off. Let you crash, okay?"

I nodded. "Yup. Jazzzzzz?" I tried to sit up a little because apparently, I was fucking horizontal on the sofa. Who knew how that happened? He turned back around to face me. "You…you think he ssssserved it? Cap'n Douche?"

"What? Ed, man, I can't understand you." I sighed, because _Jesus_, I was speaking fucking English, right?

"I SAID…do…you…" I pushed my finger toward him until I felt resistance. "Think…_he_…zz'zzerved it?"

"Dude, I don't…do I think he _what?"_

I rolled my eyes, which was a bad idea because that just made me dizzy. "DA-zerved…DA-zerved…IT!"

"Oh!" He laughed, but then fell silent for a minute before clearing his throat. "Yeah, man, he did. I know he did." He patted me on the cheek again, and I felt the weight on the sofa shift.

"Bye, Edwina! Stay golden, Pony Boy!" Emmett yelled from across the room.

I tried to mumble a 'fuck off' but the next thing I knew, the lights had gone out again.

I was back at the club. Jacob was standing in front of me holding his nose and blood was rushing out of it like a faucet. "You don't _deserve_ her after what you did!" he snarled. "Look at what you did!" He pointed behind me and, at the same time, I heard Bella scream. I turned to see her standing there, horror-stricken and dressed in a white nightgown. She was holding a newborn baby, covered with blood, and her nightgown was drenched, stained a deep crimson.

"Why did you do it, Edward?" she sobbed, looking down at the silent and motionless infant. "Why?" I couldn't speak; I could only stare at the ghastly scene before me. I raised my arms and turned my palms up, only to see that they, too, were covered in blood. I clenched them into fists and squeezed my eyes shut. When I opened them again, the baby was gone, but Bella was still looking at me with despair in her eyes, her nightgown still covered in blood. I tried to go to her, but before I could take a step, I was spun around, coming face to face with Victoria. She smiled wickedly and raised her hands up toward my face. I gasped when I saw that her palms were covered in blood just like mine.

"I love the color red," she sneered, placing her blood-sheathed hands on my face and spreading it all over my cheeks, my forehead, my chin. "We make a great couple, don't you think, baby?" My stomach rolled.

"NO!" I sat straight up on the sofa, my body drenched in sweat and my chest heaving violently. As I ran my hands through my damp hair, my stomach rolled again. It was all I could to do propel myself toward the kitchen, grab hold of the counter, and lean over the sink as I proceeded to purge the entire contents of my stomach viciously. The only thing I couldn't get rid of was the nightmare that I knew waited for me when I closed my eyes again.

~*fOrSaKeN*~

The succubus was – for lack of a better term – decent when I picked up my boy Sunday evening. In fact, she kept giving me this look that I could only attribute to pity. She probably took one look at my face and though _I _was the one who got his ass beat. _Yeah, think again, Rose, but hey, thanks for the vote of confidence._ I paid as little attention to her expression and _her_ as possible. I didn't want to know what she knew or how she fucking knew it. It wasn't until Kellan and I were driving to the hospital to see Kendyll (I had asked him if he was interested in meeting a new friend and he shrugged. I guess that meant he was alright with it) that the familiar feeling of wanting to strangle the bitch came back…full force.

Kellan was drumming his fingers on his thighs to the beat of whatever was coming through his ear buds. If he wondered about my battle scars, he didn't say. All of a sudden he started singing…err, rapping…something like that. Very loud and off key, if I was being honest.

"_Wake up in da mornin' feelin' like P-Diddy. Grab my glasses, I'm out da door, I'm gonna hit this city…" _

I quirked my eyebrow at him in the mirror, but he didn't seem to notice.

"_Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack…"_ My quirked eyebrow rose to my hairline and the other one joined it. "Hey DAD!" he yelled, ear buds still in place. "What's a bottle of JACK?"

_Are you fucking serious right now? _

I pointed to his ear buds and he pulled them out. "What the…what are you listening to, little man?"

He shrugged. "A song by Kesha, it's called Tik Tok, and it goes,_ "Tik Tok on the clock, but the party don't stop, no. woah-ohhh-OH! Woah-ohhh-OH!" _My ears were starting to ring, but I chuckled anyway. "So, what's _Jack?"_

I sighed. "Jack is a big person's, an adult drink, Kellan, so that song doesn't sound very appropriate for you."

He rolled his eyes at me. This kid… "What kind is it?" he asked.

"What?"

"You know, is it whiskey, bourbon, tequila…moon shine?"

_Is this kid for fucking _real_ right now? Christ on a fucking cracker, what was I raising? _I bit my tongue, deciding not to curse his mother…or Emmett, in this case, probably Emmett…in front of him. "Uh, it's whiskey." I mean, why lie to the kid, right? He nodded and then put the ear buds back in, continuing to drum.

"_Don't stop, make it pop, DJ blow my speakers up. To-night, Imma fight 'til we see the sunlight. Tik Tok on the clock but the party don't stop, no. Whoa-ohhh-OH! Whoa-ohhh-OH! Ain't got a care in the world, but got plenty of beer…" _

What the fuck?

"…_Ain't got no money in my pocket, but I'm already here. And now the dudes are lining up 'cause they hear we got swagger…_ Hey DAD! What's swagger?"

I shook my head at him in the rear view. "I don't know, Kellan." He shrugged again and continued.

"_I'm talkin' bout e'r-body getting' crunk, crunk, boys tryin' to touch my junk, junk…" _My fucking mouth fell open. _"Gonna smack him if he getting' too drunk, drunk…" _

"Kellan!" I yelled, but he didn't hear me, he continued to spout off this…shit.

"_Now, now, we go until they kick us out, out. PO-lice shut us down, down, PO-lice shut us down, down, PO-PO shut us down!" _

"KELLAN!" Finally, he pulled the ear buds from his ears and looked at me incredulously.

"What?"

"Turn that damned song off right now," I ordered. He pouted. "That is highly inappropriate for an eight-year-old boy."

"Well, it's better than Eminem," he said sarcastically. "He says _really_ bad words."

I smacked my palm on my forehead. "Well, then you shouldn't be listening to Eminem either." My little boy narrowed his eyes at me and pursed his lips as I went from looking at him to the windshield and back and forth.

"Mom said I should be extra nice to you." I quirked my eyebrow, again. _This should be interesting. _"She said you were probably tired." I nodded. "She said you probably got WASTED!" he shouted, giggling.

And see, that right there was where I wanted to turn the car around, head back to the Succubus's house and strangle the living shit out of her. I swerved to the side of the road and stopped the car, turning to look at my wide-eyed son with my own wide, incredulous stare.

"You understand that _that_ is so, completely _not_ okay, what your mom said, right?"

He nodded, but the sides of his mouth were trembling, like he was holding back a laugh. "So did you?"

"Did I what?" I sighed.

"Did you get _wasted?" _

"Kellan! Come on, man, NO!" Total lie, but the kid really didn't need to know the extent of my drunken exploits. I pressed two fingers into my temples and rubbed. A trait I learned from my own father, no less. "Is that all your mom said?"

He shrugged again. "I dunno."

"You know you can tell me, right?"

He nodded and sucked in a breath, puffing out his cheeks, and then blew it out. "You know how we went to the park?" I nodded. "I like Bella…" I tried not to grimace outwardly at the sound of her name, but I did feel the twisting in my gut again. "…but I don't think Mom does," he continued.

"Why? Did she say something about," I hesitated, "Bella?" He nodded again, looking nervous. "It's okay, buddy, you can tell me. I won't get mad. I'd never get mad at you for something your mom," I gritted my teeth, "says."

"Is Bella your girlfriend?"

_Whoa! _I wasn't really prepared for that one. I cleared my throat. "That's…it's kind of complicated. I'm not sure. She's my friend, though. So, tell me what your mom said."

"She said Bella was your girlfriend 'cause you didn't love her – Mom – anymore, and that Bella was probably just trying to get in your _pants_ 'cause you're a doctor and you have money. She also said Bella was married."

I was stunned fucking dumb for a minute…or five. That fucking _bitch_ and her big mouth; she neglected to tell him that _she_ was the one who wanted – and got – in my pants because of my being a doctor. Of all the things… _Shit!_ I cleared my throat.

"Well, first of all, Bella is married, but she's getting a divorce."

"Kinda like you and Mom?"

"Well, yes, but your mom and I weren't married. We just broke up, like boyfriend/girlfriend." Again, I didn't see any point in lying to the kid…except when it came to my alcohol consumption.

"Oh."

"Anyway, her husband is a bad man who hurts her." My son's eyes widened and I struggled to try and explain my feelings for Bella to him. There were no words, really, that would come close to explaining it. "And so she, Robby and Krissy aren't living with him now, and won't be anymore. I, um, I care about her very much, do you understand?" He nodded and smiled. _That's my boy. _I tried to figure out how I could explain to him what a conniving, jealous bitch his mother was without actually saying that. _I would never say that to him outright. _"Kellan, do you know that your mom and Bella are related? Like, family to each other, sort of long distance?"

"You mean like you and Uncle Emmett?"

I laughed. "Not technically. Uncle Emmett is my best friend, so we _think _of each other as brothers, but your mom and Bella are really related. Like distant cousins or…Bella's dad and your mom's mom, or something are cousins or something."

"Oh. Grandma Deb?"

I nodded, and held the snarl that wanted to escape at bay at the mention of the succubus's mother. "Yes, I think. So, do you think that it's okay to talk mean about your family like that?"

"Nope!" he shook his head. _My boy!_

"See, I loved Bella a long time ago, before your mom."

"You did?" His eyes were wide again as he watched me with rapt attention.

"Yes, very much, but I…I messed up with her and we broke up being boyfriend/girlfriend." I suddenly felt like I couldn't breathe. The knife in my gut was twisting viciously and relentlessly. "But then your mom came along…"

"And you loved her then?" I cringed just thinking about my feeling for Rosalie as opposed to Bella. There was never, in million years, any contest at all.

"Yes, but a little differently. You see, sometimes when you love somebody, it never goes away, even when someone else comes along after them." I really felt like I couldn't breathe now. "And the feeling is so strong, you can't do anything but love the person you had to let go for a while. That's how I feel about Bella."

"So, you love her?"

"Yes."

"A lot?"

"Yes,"

"More than Mom?"

"Um, yes."

"Finally!" My son threw his hands in the air and rolled his eyes. "Why didn't you just say that in the first place? Geez, adults are so weird!"

This little shit…

"Hey, Kel?" He looked at me, smirking. Like I said. "How would you feel about spending more time at my place with me instead of at your mom's?" I braced myself. I'd been wanting to ask him this for a while, but I just didn't know how he would react.

He shrugged…again. "That would be cool."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." He sighed. "A lot of the time when I'm with Mom, she takes me to Grandma Deb's 'cause she has stuff to do."

I clenched my jaw but couldn't help the growl of frustration that escaped my mouth, albeit quietly. The reason was two-fold, Rosalie's blatant irresponsibility and her fucking mother. Deborah Hale, Chicago socialite and bitch extraordinaire. She was just as bad, if not worse than the succubus herself because of the fact that she let Rosalie do whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted and took care of Kellan while Rosalie fucking did it. Oh yeah, Daddy Hale had left them a fortune when he died of a heart attack while Rose was in high school – probably from having to put up with _those_ two – so Deborah doted over her daughter, let her get away with murder and subsequently, she was letting her get away with not taking care of her son. Bullshit. That was all I needed to hear; the shit was getting set into motion immediately.

Once we got to the hospital and to Kendyll's room, I had Kellan hang back for a minute. He stood behind me as I poked my head in.

"Hey beautiful!" I said cheerfully, taking in her auburn hair, freshly washed it looked like, and her tired but bright, aqua eyes. I felt a tingling ache in my chest and rubbed it absently as I looked at her. I had no idea why I would be hurting there seeing that I left my heart at Alice's apartment. It was probably still on the floor. They were probably stepping over it. _Jesus, get over yourself, idiot._

"Hi, Doctor Edward!" she replied with a little less excitement than last time, but still a smile adorned her little face. "Did you bring me another flower?"

I slapped my palm on my forehead and feigned that I'd forgotten. Then I smiled at her cockily. "Why would I do that? I think you have enough flowers to open your own nursery, don't you?" She pouted a little, but her face lit up when I walked to the other side of her bed and placed the single pink rose in the vase, which was stuffed full at this point. "I brought you something else too," I said cryptically, wiggling my eyebrows at her.

She giggled. "What? What is it?"

I held my finger up to her and turned toward the door. "Kellan?" He poked his head in and waved shyly. Kendyll giggled again. "Come in here, little man, meet my friend." He sauntered in, hands in his pockets and eyed her warily. Probably a little put off by all the medical equipment.

"Is this…your son?" Her eyes widened and the smile she adorned nearly split her face. My heart would've swelled, if I had one. "Hi, Kellan, I'm Kendyll! Did you know your dad, he saved my life?" She looked over at me with bright, sparkling, pride-filled eyes, and I felt that phantom ache again, right in the middle of my chest.

"Whoa, dude, really?" Kellan looked at me with a similar expression. I just shrugged and nodded. "So," he looked from Kendyll to me, narrowed his eyes a little and then looked back at her. "You like skateboarding?" he asked noncommittally. I chuckled to myself because that was so his M-O.

"Sure, I do. And you know what else I like? Phineas and Ferb!"

"Dude! That's like, my favorite!" Kellan retorted and then started going on and on about it. I laughed and, as I walked over to the phone, I heard him say, "You know, you have the same kinda nose as me and my dad. That's so weird." Kendyll giggled and responded that, yes, it was, and I absently rubbed at my chest again.

I called the nurses' station to have them page Carlisle so he could come entertain his grandson for a bit while I talked to Kendyll, but he was in the middle of something, so he sent Irina. When she showed up, and asked him to take a walk with her, he huffed a little bit, not wanting to leave his new friend. But when I told Irina he needed some new 'equipment' for his toy-soldier-amputees at home, his little eyes lit up like Christmas lights. I chuckled. When he left, I sat on Kendyll's bed and caressed her forehead and cheek with the backs of my fingers.

"You feel a little warm," I stated. "Have they checked your temperature lately?"

She rolled her eyes…so much of that lately. "Yes, _Doc_, they just checked _everything. _I'm just tired." She pushed her bottom lip out a little. I could tell she wasn't just tired.

"What's going on, sweetheart?" I brushed her hair back from her face and tipped her chin up to look at me. Her huge eyes filled up with tears and she took a deep breath.

"Well, Doctor Carlisle and Doctor O'Neal said that they're gonna release me from the hospital in a couple days." She sucked in a breath and blew it out.

"But, that's a good thing, right?" I cupped her cheek and she leaned into it. There was the phantom, tingly pain in my chest again.

"Yeah, but…but, I don't want to." She started to cry a little and I was confused, until she continued. "They said I'll have to go to a f—foster home, Edward. I don't want to. I'd rather stay here, where I can see you and, and Doctor Carlisle!"

Oh my God, I felt like such a fucking idiot! Of _course_ she wouldn't want to leave! Of course she was sad and crying. I mean, for _Christ's_ sake, the poor thing had lost her parents, pretty much watched them die and was thrust into this strange city, strange hospital, with strange people she didn't know. She formed a bond with Carlisle and me…especially me, and I couldn't believe I hadn't seen what she was saying earlier. I couldn't believe I hadn't seen this coming. All I knew was that I had to do something. I had to make this right for her, for Kendyll. I had to protect her from anymore heartache because God only knew she'd had enough of it.

"You know what, sweetie; I'm going to see what I can do. Hold that thought, okay?"

She nodded and wiped her eyes. I stalked over to the phone again and dialed the nurses' station.

"Yes, this is Doctor Edward Cullen. I need you to page Doctor Carlisle Cullen immediately."

"Why, is there something wrong with Miss Tanner?" the voice on the other end asked.

"Well, yes, actually, but not physically. Just page him. I need to speak to him as soon as possible. Have him meet me in his office."

I hung up the phone and walked back over to Kendyll. I kissed her on the cheek and told her I'd be back in a little while to see her. She nodded and just as I was walking out the door, she called out.

"Oh, hey! How was your band thing?"

I grimaced and rubbed my chest again, but told her I'd tell her about it later and she nodded enthusiastically, cheeks still wet from her previous tears. I turned and made my way to the stairs and, as I pushed the door open, I prepared myself for the speech I was about to give my father. I realized that I could possibly do something amazing for someone else and I had to get him on board. There was no way I would let what could happen, happen and as I descended the stairs, I found myself with a new conviction…a new purpose. One, I was bound and determined to fulfill.

* * *

_**Chapter End Notes: As always, thank you for reading and leaving me love. ;-) I'm going to try and work on the next one as much as possible the next few days, but I woke up this morning with a sore throat and terrible headache, and tonight I'm running a low-grade fever. Ugh. So, I can't guarantee I'll have it up next weekend, but I'll try. **_

_**If you're on Facebook, friend me. I've been putting teasers on there since I can't seem to keep up with the other sites for teasers. Link's on my profile. Until next time! **_


	55. Chapter 51, Take It All

Forsaken In My Mind's Past  
Chapter 51, "Take It All" ~ Adele  
Bella POV

_***A/N: I know, it's been a while. I'm so sorry for the ridiculously long wait. Between the flu-bug being passed between my kids and hubs, me feeling like poo and then the part where I hated everything I wrote in this chapter…it's been a long month or so. On top of everything else, my laptop crashed the other night and I lost everything. It sucks bad, but I wanted to get this to you tonight, so… Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your support! **_

_**THEsnapcrakklepop and fmneff are the bomb-diggity! Your advice, encouragement and last-minute beta-jobs are priceless to me. **_

_**Disclaimer: SM owns, I just borrow, twist, bend and shake them. The twisting, bending and shaking part is mine, though. **_

_**Song Link: www . youtube . com/watch?v=o0DdXhFVcEg**_

* * *

"_Didn't I give it all? Tried my best? Gave you everything I had, everything and no less,_

_Didn't I do it right? Did I let you down? Maybe you got too used to having me around,  
Still, how can you walk away, from all my tears? It's gonna be an empty road without me right here,_

_But go on and take it, take it all with you. Don't look back at this crumbling fool,  
Just take it all, with my love. Take it all, with my love. _

_Maybe I should leave to help you see. Nothing is better than this, and this is everything we need,  
So is it over? Is this really it? You're giving up so easily, I thought you loved me more than this  
But go on, go on and take it, take it all with you. Don't look back at this crumbling fool,  
Just take it all, with my love. Take it all, with my love."_

* * *

I was grateful.

So incredibly grateful that Tanya and Nicci rode home with Garrett and Jasper. At least they didn't have to bear witness to the complete and utter mental breakdown in Alice's car on the way home. Because that was exactly what it was. At least for a few minutes, I sobbed uncontrollably. The things Alice said to me didn't register, nothing did…not the bright lights of the city street lamps passing us by, not the songs coming from the radio, which my sister had turned on in an effort to calm me. My mind just kept playing what had happened on repeat. Edward and Jacob fighting. Blood. Screaming, my screaming. Arms holding me. Victoria. What Jake had said; Edward learning of the baby.

Our baby.

He knew.

He knew, and he was…

Devastated.

Oh, God, what had I done?

I should have told him. _I should have told him!_

"What good would it have done, Bella?" Alice responded to what I must've been chanting out loud.

"I don't know," I mumbled my reply. "I just…don't know." And I didn't. I didn't know what good it would have done him. I was trying to protect him, after all, but for him to find out the way he did…was beyond anything I could have prepared for. Not knowing what the future held for us was the worst of it. Did we even _have_ a future now?

_Would he ever speak to me again? Give me a chance to explain?_

I didn't know that either. I didn't know anything anymore. I was lost. Lost without him; lost within my own head; lost in the past…a past not forsaken, but real and right in front of me now. I was terrified that those few minutes outside the club were our last together. Terrified that he would never want to see me, speak to me again, but equally terrified, of what he would say to me, were he to decide to seek me out.

The rest of the ride back to Alice's apartment was a blur. I must have stopped sobbing at some point because Alice fell quiet too. And when we got inside, I went through the motions of removing the boots I borrowed from her. The same boots that he begged me to wear. The same boots his green eyes had flamed over when he looked at me. And the same boots I'd worn when he…when _we_…in the restroom.

_God, _I couldn't even think about it without the ache in my chest blooming unbearably. Not knowing if I would ever feel his touch again, his lips on mine, his body pressed against mine, his soul mingling with mine…it was enough to put me over the edge. I _needed _his touch to survive. He had to know that. And I was so fucking pathetic that I wanted to strangle my own throat until I couldn't breathe.

I couldn't breathe anyway. What was the difference?

And Jacob Black. _Oh_, I wanted to kill him. I had never, _ever_ in my life wanted to hurt someone as bad as I wanted to hurt Jake; with the exception being possibly Vic-whore-ia Sutherland. At least I got to slap the shit out of _her_. But now I wanted to lay my hands on Jacob Black in the worst kind of way. Not for what he said to Edward…actually, that too, but for the _way_ he said it. So cold; so calculated and callous. That son-of-a-bitch had no regard for how much it would hurt me. How much it would kill Edward. But that was the idea, wasn't it?

Edward was right when he said that Jake had been killing me on the inside for years. Jake just couldn't see it because he was so self-fucking-righteous and narcissistic. But then again, something told me he wouldn't have cared anyway. And when he saw me happy, in love, he did what I should've expected him to do, but didn't. He couldn't take care of Edward with his fists, so he blurted out the one thing he knew would kill Edward and me.

I prayed that he hadn't succeeded, but I feared, with every fiber of my being, that he had.

I didn't feel alive without Edward; I never had. It only took me eleven years to figure that out, and now, my life was crumbling around me.

Not having the strength to do anything else after I pulled the boots off, I curled up on Alice's sofa, pulled my dress over my knees, and hugged them tightly to my chest. When my sister came over and started rubbing gentle circles on my back, I dropped my head to my knees and let the silent tears fall.

"I…I don't know what to do from here," I whispered between sniffles. Alice wrapped her arms around my fractured form and brushed my hair over my shoulder.

"It's going to be okay, Bella, you just need to talk to him, and he needs to let you."

I pressed my forehead almost painfully into my kneecaps and shook my head. "He won't. Didn't you see his face? Alice, it's my worst f—fear," I hiccupped.

"I know, but he just needs a little time to process it all. I know he'll want to talk to you. He wouldn't be Edward if he didn't." I knew her words were meant to comfort me, but I couldn't find any solace in them.

"I should've told him…I should've told him back then…he's right…he had a right to know. I'm the worst person ever!" The sobs started again and Alice hugged me tighter, pressing Kleenexes in my hands that I just held because I couldn't move.

"Think of Robby and Krissy," she said softly. "If you'd have told him about the baby back then, you most likely wouldn't have the twins now. So, _something_ good came out of it, right?" I nodded, but cried even harder. How could I possibly choose between losing Edward and never knowing my own children? I couldn't, and I felt even more like the worst kind of person for even thinking that way.

"And h—he's going to jail…because of _me!"_ I cried.

"No, he's going to jail because he went crazy, Bella; but for good reason. And because Sam is a fucking idiot," she spat. "What about that protection order thing? Shouldn't Jake's dumb ass be in jail too?"

I shook my head. "It hasn't been served on him yet, just the divorce papers." I sniffled. "But it should…in the next couple days, Maggie said."

Alice growled under her breath. "Well, the next time that asshole pulls this shit, you better make sure he's put away." She continued stroking my back gently, but apologized quietly for even bringing up Jake's name. Her cell phone rang and she muttered a curse under her breath. "I don't recognize this number. You think Edward's calling from jail already?"

My head snapped up and I stared at her phone wide-eyed.

"Do you want me to take it?" she asked, eyeing me cautiously.

I nodded and pressed my forehead back to my knees. "It's okay." My words were muffled with my head still resting on my knees, but she heard me and answered it.

"Sam?" she asked the caller. My head snapped up again. Her eyes were trained on mine as he spoke on the other end, eyes wide and shock-filled. She asked him to hold on, and pulled the phone away from her ear, still watching me as she cupped the mouthpiece.

"Um," she drew out the 'm' and then took a breath. "He wants to bring Edward here..." she hesitated at my questioning expression. "To talk…to you."

"But, I thought," I stammered, shaking my head in disbelief.

"He's not taking him to jail, honey," she dropped her chin and leveled her stare on me. "He said he needs to do this."

"Oh God, _oh God_," I chanted, squeezing my eyes shut and dropping my head back.

"Bella." I looked back at her with tears of panic and nodded. "Are you sure?" I nodded again, and blew out a harsh breath. "Okay." She turned her attention back to the phone. "Alright, Sam…yeah, how long? Shit, okay." She hung up and turned to me. "They're about five minutes out."

"Oh God," I groaned again. I had no time. No time to prepare; no time to clean myself up a little. All I could do was sit there and try to give myself a little pep talk. I was fighting with myself, though. Going back and forth from _it'll be okay_ to _it's so _not_ going to be okay._ God, I was a mess. He was going to yell at me, but I would welcome it. I would take anything he threw at me as long as he didn't leave me. As long as he didn't make this the last time we spoke. I didn't know how I would handle that. I needed to try and get him to understand, but I didn't know if I could. Even _I_ didn't understand some of my actions back then. Bottom line…this night held the possibility of ruining me.

_Please, God, don't let it ruin me…us. _

Exactly five minutes later, Alice gave me a quick hug and I was left standing in the living room as she went to meet Sam and…Edward. Left to worry my bottom lip with my teeth until I nearly drew blood. Left to wring my hands in front of me and pace in the living room, nearly wearing a path in Alice's carpet; and left to desperately try, in vain, to think of something…_anything_…to get him to understand, to stay with me.

But I couldn't, and I knew…I _knew_ I was going to lose him tonight.

~*fOrSaKeN*~

"No, Edward, _don't!"_

It was the last thing I said, or yelled, to him. A last ditch effort to get him to stay. I didn't even have the presence of mind to feel as literally pathetic as I was as I pleaded for him not to do what I knew was inevitable. My lame attempts at trying to make him understand why I kept the baby a secret from him were just that – lame – and my fears were realizing themselves right in front of me.

I was losing him.

But when he turned around and cupped my face gently, my heaving chest stopped moving if only for a second. I thought I had gotten through to him. When he kissed me, my pounding heart slowed and a sense of ease spread through my body because I thought he would stay. Just like I thought all those years ago, that what I was doing was best for him. Just like I thought marrying Jacob was what was best for me and would make me happy. Just like I thought that someday…someday I would be worthy of the love I deserved, or _thought_ I deserved.

But I was wrong. I was so, _so_ wrong about everything. If I could've just forgiven him back then, given him a chance to make things right, maybe I wouldn't have found myself begging him for forgiveness now, pleading with him to understand. Because no matter what he had done to me in the past, no matter who I had ended up with and no matter how many years had passed, I still loved him. I never stopped loving him.

And I never would.

Even if I had to live the rest of my life without him.

My body shook at the mere thought of it.

He knew that. I told him as much, and he told me the same. But as he turned from me one last time and pulled the door open forcefully, I saw him hesitate; I saw his shoulders slump and his head fall forward, and then I felt my heart stop and shatter with the slamming of the door.

For a moment I just stood there, staring at the white paint, willing the door to open and for Edward to rush back in and scoop me in his arms. But the longer I stood there, the more I realized that it wasn't going to happen. He wasn't coming back. My life wasn't a sappy romance novel, and this was no fairy tale.

I had lost him. He was gone.

Once the realization hit me, not even my arms wrapped around my torso could hold me together anymore. I fell apart. His absence crashed into me and tore the hole in my chest wide open.

"What have I done? _What-have-I-done-what-have-I-done-what-have-I-done?" _I chanted as my legs gave out and I sank to my knees on the floor, whimpering softly. It wasn't until I felt small, but strong arms wrap around mine from behind that I let the whimpers turn to full-fledged sobs again. They racked my body, shaking me from head to toe as my sister held me tightly.

"Shh, Bella, shh, it's okay…it's okay," she whispered into my ear, trying – once again – to console me. God, I was so pathetic.

"_No!" _I wailed. "It's not, Alice! He's gone…he's gone…he's…g—gone," I chanted between gasps.

"I know, baby, but not forever," she said, as if consoling a toddler, and smoothed my hair back away from my wet cheeks. She pressed her palm onto my cheek and I leaned into it, reveling in the coolness of it. I felt like my face had burst into flames.

"H—how do you kn—know?" I stammered, still gasping for air.

"I just do," she replied matter-of-factly, and I had to believe her. I _had_ to believe her.

I wasn't sure how long we stayed like that…me sobbing until I felt as if every last ounce of moisture had been squeezed out of my body through my eyes, and Alice holding me, letting me fall completely to pieces. It felt like hours, but she finally coaxed me up off the floor and into what had been my bedroom for the last several weeks and sat with me on the bed. She made to get up, but I grabbed her hand and pulled her back to me, my voice as desperate and pathetic as I felt.

"No! Please stay with me!" I begged.

She sat back down and patted my hand, much like Mom would've done had she been here to witness my sad display. She smiled desolately before she took a deep breath and spoke. "I'm gonna be right back, okay?"

I nodded reluctantly and watched her blurry form scurry from the room. As I sat there motionless, I tried to pull my scattered thoughts together, tried to make sense of the horrific, preceding events of the night, tried to rein in the emotion overwhelming me. But I couldn't. The tears fell relentlessly and, although they were silent now and the strangled sobs had ceased, my entire body ached. I could feel everything, every tense muscle aching, every nerve ending in my head firing, causing it to pound, every spasm in my stomach making me nauseous.

I could feel everything, and yet, I could feel nothing at all. I felt empty inside, because when Edward walked out the door, he took it all. He took everything I had. He took my heart. He took my breath. He took my passion and my plans. He took my life.

At least that was what it felt like. Was I being overly melodramatic? Probably. Did I deserve to feel the despair I was feeling? Yeah, I probably did. But I didn't have to be strong when my kids weren't there with me, and I didn't have to be strong in front of Alice. So I wasn't trying. I was a weak, sniffling, pathetic mess.

Alice came back a few minutes later with a glass of water, a wash cloth, and a little blue pill. "Open," she ordered.

"What is it?" I asked, although, if I was being honest, I didn't care one bit.

"It's a Valium," she replied, raising her eyebrows.

"Where did you get—"

"Just take it, Bella," she said rolling her eyes. I complied and drank the entire glass of water…obviously dehydrated. When I finished, she gently wiped my face with the cool, damp cloth and it soothed me. I closed my eyes eventually and before I knew it, sleep consumed me, but not for long.

~*fOrSaKeN*~

When the dark room became light, I continued to toss and turn. I stayed in the bed as long as I could stand it, literally pulling myself out of it when I couldn't bear the feel of the sheets anymore. Seeing that I was still in the dress I'd worn the night before seemed to light a fire inside me and I pulled it off angrily, wadding it up and throwing it across the room with a groan. I opted for sweats and a hoodie, and then padded my way into the hall bathroom to see just exactly what I was dealing with.

I yawned as I turned on the light, and when my watery eyes cleared, I recoiled from what greeted me in the mirror. _Holy shit!_ I looked like hell. My hair, that had been curled the night before, was matted and frizzy and there were cowlicks all over the top of it. My skin was blotchy – red in some spots and ashen in others. My eyes had deep, purplish-black bags under them and were themselves red and bloodshot. Good grief, I looked like death warmed over…and then some. Worse yet, I looked like the walking dead and wondered briefly if I touched it, if my flesh would just peel away from my muscle and bone. _Fucking gross. _It was official. The zombie apocalypse had begun and it appeared that _I_ was the first 'victim.'

Could one become a zombie from a broken heart?

Apparently so.

I groaned as I turned on the water and splashed it on my face repeatedly, hoping for some semblance of the human I was to come back into my features. Then I grabbed my brush and began tugging it through the rat's nest I called hair. My damned eyes were watering from all the ripping out of my strands by the time I finished. The cowlicks, however, had a mind of their own and would not be contained, so I let out a hefty sigh and settled for a messy bun right on top of my head. _Damn the torpedoes! Suck on _that_ cowlicks!_

Yeah, obviously I was a little bit delirious as well.

"Good morning!" Alice chirped in her sing-song voice as I sauntered into the kitchen. Actually, it was more like dragging my feet – zombie apocalypse-style – and plopped into a chair as if I had no strength. I kind of didn't have any…strength, that is. I grunted a reply and folded my arms in front of me on the table, laying my head on them and turning to squint at my sister. "Oh, man," she said with a grimace. "That bad huh?" I didn't reply because, _duh_. "Didn't you sleep?"

I shrugged awkwardly with my head still on my crossed arms. "Only like _two_ hours," I mumbled. "Isn't Valium supposed to knock you out or something?"

She shrugged this time. "It does me, but you were…" she trailed off, looking way too sympathetic. I looked away because I certainly didn't want to start crying again and besides, I was sure I cried all the tears I had as I tried in vain to sleep.

"Coffee," I groaned, and Alice had a steaming cup in front of me before I could utter "please."

"You wanna talk about it yet?" she asked with that damned sympathetic, oh-look-at-the-sad-abused-puppy gaze again. I shook my head and pursed my lips, looking away from her. My coffee cup felt like it weighed a ton as I pulled it from the table with both hands and blew the hot liquid.

We sat in silence for a long while. Alice was doing…whatever she did…on her phone, and I was staring off in the distance between each sip of my…wow, delicious coffee. It was a new-tasting creamer, I was sure, but I just couldn't place it in the state of my delirium.

"This is really good," I murmured. "What…what is it?"

"Mm, pumpkin spice," Alice replied, still typing away on her phone. She huffed in disgust, rolling her eyes. "Um, no, Jonathan, those fabrics need to be ready by Monday, you stupid little man-child." She was scowling at her phone and typing furiously. I couldn't help but giggle into my coffee cup. She looked up at me and grinned. "Well, it's nice to see you smile," she said, setting her phone down and clasping her hands in front of her on the table. She tilted her head to the side, eyeing me, and I knew she was about to say something I wasn't ready for her to say.

I sighed deeply. "So…who's Jonathan?"

"Just a moronic intern that doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground," she said, grinning sarcastically. "Kind of like what _you_ have to deal with."

"Oh, come on, Al. Nicci's not that bad, really. She just takes some getting used to," I retorted.

Alice rolled her eyes. "If you say so, but that girl's a few fries short of a Happy Meal, if you catch my drift." Her phone beeped before I could reply and she scowled at the screen. Her scowl smoothed into a girlish grin and she giggled, typing out a reply quickly as a light blush crept over her cheeks. For some idiotic reason, though, my brain didn't catch on.

"Well, Jonathan must have said _something_ to make his hard-ass boss blush," I snickered. It wasn't until her face fell and she looked at me with an expression full of pity that I realized…it wasn't her intern. "Oh," I murmured, wrapping my arms around my body and squeezing. Her phone beeped again and I cringed.

"Um," she stammered. "Jasper…he's, um, wondering how you're doing. I don't want to lie to him, Sis. What do you want me to say?"

I shook my head. "I'm…f—fine," I said unconvincingly and attempted a smile, which – I was sure – came across as a sad grimace.

She pursed her lips, eyeballing me in that skeptical way both she and Mom were really fucking good at. "Well, lying is underrated." She typed out a response and then winked at me coyly.

"_NoreallyI'mfine!"_ I choked out as I launched myself out of the chair I was sitting in and toward the bathroom. As the door slammed behind me, I reached out for the cool granite of the counter, holding myself up by it, my chest heaving with sobs that wanted to rip their way out of me. I was not fine.

I was _so_ not fine.

The soft knock on the bathroom door startled me and I lifted my burning cheek – which I hadn't realized I'd actually laid down – off the cold counter.

"Bella?"

I cleared my throat. "Um, yeah?"

"Can I come in?"

I didn't have to answer; my silence gave her the go ahead and she opened the door slowly. As soon as I looked into her sorrow-filled eyes, I began to cry again. _Jesus Christ, I was beyond pathetic. _

"Oh, honey," she took me in her arms. "I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have said anything." She cupped my cheeks and wiped my tears with her thumbs, much like Edward would've done, and it only made the tears come more earnestly. She tried to shush me, to no avail, and I could feel her starting to panic. "Do you want me to call Angela?"

I shook my head emphatically. "She h—has enough to worry ab—about," I hiccupped.

She nodded. "Do you want me to go get the twins for you?"

"Oh my _God!"_ I shrieked. "I'm the worst mother in the _world!" _

"You are _not,"_ she stated, looking at me pointedly. "Stop it, Bella." She blew out a breath and fell silent for a few seconds, eyes upturned, contemplating. "Listen, it's early, so let's watch TV or something for a while, and then I'll call Dad and see if he'll keep them another night." I groaned and started to shake my head because I needed to take care of my kids. I knew it was the only thing I could do to keep my mind off of Edward, or the lack of Edward. "Trust me, Bella, he'll be fine with it and you could use a day to…collect yourself." I finally nodded, albeit reluctantly. "Hey," she said, obviously trying to be enthusiastic. "We could watch Maury reruns. We always used to get a kick out of that."

I snorted and rolled my eyes. "Alice, I don't really think watching so-and so find out he's so-and-so's baby-daddy is gonna help me out much today," I scoffed.

She nodded sheepishly. "Yeah, you're probably right. Come on," she nudged my shoulder with her own. "We'll find something."

Halfway through Project Runway, which Alice watched religiously, I fell asleep. I couldn't fight it anymore. Not that I had the strength to fight it anyway. It consumed me and I welcomed it. I welcomed letting go and drifting, and the peace…finally the peace. But that peaceful slumber was shattered in an instant when the images began to flood my subconscious fast and hard.

"Bella! Wake up!"

I felt arms shaking me and I struggled against them, crying and whimpering as I tried to bat them away.

"Bella! Jesus Christ, wake up, please!" Alice? I opened my eyes to see tears in hers, staring back at me in alarm. "You scared the shit out of me. Are you okay?" Her voice was thick and strained.

"Oh, Alice!" I grabbed her and pulled her to me. She wrapped her arms around me as I began to sob, and rubbed circles on my trembling back. I heard her shushing me quietly, but I couldn't stop shaking and crying.

"It's okay, Bella, it's okay. I'm here. It was just a dream, baby sis, just a dream. Shh." She tried to get me to tell her about the nightmare that, apparently, had me thrashing around and gutturally screaming in my sleep. But I refused. I wanted to forget about it, but I knew that wasn't going to happen. Once I calmed enough to hold myself up on the sofa, Alice jumped up and grabbed her phone.

"What are you doing?" I asked tentatively.

"I'm calling Dad."

"What? NO!"

She looked at me and sighed, long and hard. "Listen to me, Bella. There's no way you're ready to deal with the twins tonight. I'm going to ask him to keep them tonight. Okay?" I nodded in acquiescence. She smiled sadly as she continued. "And…I'm, I'm not really sure what to do here. I don't think I can handle this on my own."

"But, you can't tell him, Alice," I hissed. She looked back at me, furrowing her brow. "He'll…he'll put a bullet through Edward's head, Alice! Just…no!" She shook her head at me as she dialed the phone and put it to her ear. "Fuck!" I cried, covering my face with my hands.

"Well, maybe he should!" she spat. I uncovered my face and stared at her incredulously. "I fucking _told_ him, Bella. I told him if he hurt you again, I would see to it that he suffered!"

"No, Alice! He didn't hurt me!" I tried to reason with her, knowing I had seconds before my dad answered her call.

"Then what the fuck do you call this? You're miserable!" she shouted, but quickly looked down sheepishly. "I'm sorry."

"I'm the one who hurt him, Alice. Me, not him." I pressed a finger into my aching chest. "And I hurt myself in the process."

She took a step toward me, leaning down to my eye level. "He. Fucking. Cheated on you, Bella! Or have you forgotten what he did? He's just as much to blame in this entire thing as you are, if not more." Her dark gray eyes were blazing as she turned her back on me. "Hey, Pops." Her shoulders stiffened as she turned back around and rolled her eyes. "Sorry! Fine, _Dad,_ listen, can you…"

"It doesn't change the fact that I should've told him," I mumbled to myself, watching her chat animatedly with our father. _Jesus, please don't tell him…please don't tell him,_ I chanted in my head, silently begging her.

"Um, well, I'm…well, I'm just a little worried about her, Dad." She looked at me with wide eyes as my jaw went slack and my eyes narrowed to slits. _I'm sorry_, she mouthed. "No, no, I think you should talk to her. I mean, I think she should tell you what happened, not me. Okay, hold on."

I shook my head vehemently as she held the phone out to me. "Talk to him, Bella," she whispered, shoving the offending device of Edward's guaranteed destruction at me. I took it reluctantly and gulped as I held it to my ear. He must have heard me breathing because he began to speak. His tone demanding yet worried.

"Bells? Are you okay? Tell me what happened." Suddenly, my throat was thick; the lump formed quickly and was much too large to swallow down. My eyes filled up with traitorous tears and I tried to breathe. "Bells? Are you there? Bella?"

"_Daaaaaaad," _ I choked out my pathetic greeting, sounding more like a weeping child than a grown woman who'd done this to herself.

"Baby, what happened? Tell me…tell me!" he ordered, sounding panicked. _Wonderful. Why don't I just ruin everyone's mood while I'm having a fucking pity party for myself? _

"It's…it's not Edward's fault," I cried softly, sniffing into the receiver.

"It better not be. Because so help me, Bella, he'll be eating the barrel of my nine millimeter if he hurt you."

"No! Oh, God, Dad, don't say that!"

"Then you gotta talk to me, kid. You're killing me right now. What the hell happened?"

I took a deep breath, and then I spilled it. Every last detail of what had happened the night before. Well, not everything. I left out the part about Edward's and my little escapade in the restroom, of course. He cursed a couple times, once when I told him how Jake tried to drag me out of the club, and again when I told him about the brawl that ensued. He groaned loudly when I told him what Jake had said and how Edward figured out, with my help, about the baby. And once again, my heart stuttered in my chest at the memory…memories, rather. After I choked it all out, Charlie was silent for a few seconds.

"So, see, Dad?" I sniffled. "I've ruined everything!"

"Ah, kid, no you didn't. Listen to yourself. And do I need to remind you what that boy did to you all those years ago?" he sighed. "Look, Bells, I'm sorry Jacob said those things. He wasn't right, and I swear to God, if he ever…and I mean _ever_ touches you again, _he'll_ be the one eating my nine millimeter, regardless of whether his dad is my best friend or not! Damn it! He deserved everything Edward handed to him, and I gotta respect Edward for keeping you safe. But that doesn't mean I have to like the guy. He's not innocent here, and as far as I'm concerned, he started this whole mess."

"No, Dad." I shook my head, as if he could see me. "I think…_I _think what I did was far worse. I shouldn't have kept it a secret…I shouldn't have…" I trailed off; words escaped me as my emotions took over again.

"Bells," he sighed. I knew he was terribly uncomfortable with my incessant crying, but I had to give him credit for actually staying on the phone with me. "He hurt you," he continued. "He _betrayed_ you, and in my book…you did the right thing. You have to stop being so hard on yourself, kiddo." His tone turned soft, careful, like he was trying to calm a skittish animal. I knew his words were meant to comfort me, but they only left me feeling emptier.

"Well, I've lost him…so it doesn't matter anymore," I mumbled, trying desperately to control the tremor in my voice.

"You don't _need_ him, baby, you don't need _any_ man! I know this because I raised you that way. I think you need to stay away from both of those idiots. You're better than that, Bells!"

"I don't know, Dad. I just…I feel like I can't breathe without him. I do need Edward. I need him," I whispered the last part. It was a resignation of sorts. The part of my brain that wanted to agree with my dad lost miserably to the more dominant part that knew me so much better. I heard Alice groan in the other room and glared daggers in her general direction, hoping she saw me. It was her damned fault I had to deal with this unwanted phone call anyway.

_God_, I was so unbelievably pathetic. I really wished I could just knock some sense into myself. Maybe I could get Alice or Charlie to do that for me.

"No you don't," Charlie stated impatiently. I didn't respond, my reticence telling him I didn't want to argue with him further about this. No one would ever change my feelings. After a beat or two of silence, I heard him sigh yet again. When he spoke, his voice was quiet, resigned, much like I was. "You know I don't think he deserves you, right?"

"I know," I acquiesced.

"Maybe…after I drop the twins off tomorrow…you want me to go and have a talk with him?"

My response was immediate.

"God, no, Dad, please…please don't do that," I said with an edge of panic. He chuckled softly. I just knew that conversation would turn disastrous in no time. I sucked in a breath and held it, contemplating my next statement carefully. As much as I didn't want to care what shape Jacob was in; as much as I wanted to hurt him even more myself, the little part of me – the tiniest part of me – that still recognized him as the friend I once had and the father of my children, was curious as to what kind of condition he was in. "But, maybe, if you want to, you could check on Jake. I mean, he must be in pretty bad shape if he hasn't called to yell at me, and/or nag me to see the twins," I reasoned, more for myself than for Charlie.

"Yeah, alright," he replied. "But I'm not promising I'll be nice to him, Bells. And I'm serious about you staying away from him." His tone turned authoritative, the cop tone I'd grown to love and hate.

"That poses a little bit of a problem, Dad, when it comes to passing the kids off to him—"

"The hell it does! He's gonna have to go through _me_ now, Bella. I don't want him in the same room as you, understand?" _Oh wonderful, now I needed my daddy to fight my battles for me? I bet if you looked up the word pitiful in the dictionary, there would be a picture of me…no more description necessary. God! _But then I thought about the protection from abuse order I filed, realizing he would have to stay away from me anyway once he received that. Guess I beat Charlie to it, didn't I?

"Good," he huffed when I told him about it. "When he gets it, _I _will be the one who hands the kids off to him, understand?"

"But, Dad, you're too busy to—" I whined.

"No buts, Isabella!" he chided. I felt like a ten-year-old again, and honestly, I didn't have the strength to argue with him anymore. "And you know what? I will make sure he's in and out of there so you and the kids can get back home. He gives you any trouble, and you better let me know about it. Understood?"

I agreed, reluctantly telling him I would call when I heard from Jake. Because I knew, without a single doubt, that once he received that PFA order, Jacob would be calling me. I dreaded it, but I knew it was coming. In all honesty, that wasn't the only thing I was dreading. What wasn't I dreading? That was the question. Feeling like I needed to look over my shoulder everywhere I went, thanks to the asshole, didn't help. But the thing I dreaded the most was Edward's decision.

~*fOrSaKeN*~

"So, that the last of it?" Charlie raised his eyebrows waiting for me to answer as I scooted the too-large box of Jacob's clothes toward him.

I shrugged, avoiding his concerned stare. "I think so. Looks like he got everything else," I mumbled, absently letting my thumb roam over a framed picture of Jacob and me from a few years back. One that he had obviously shattered in one of his fits since I left. It was almost beautiful, if you could call it that, the way the glass had broken in such a way to resemble a near perfect spider's web. Funny how things turned out. I was the fly in Jacob's web of lies and deceit. But then again, I had built my own web of deceit for Edward, hadn't I?

True to his word, Charlie had come to the house with Jake and a Cook County Sheriff earlier in the week as Jake packed his truck full of clothes, tools, and whatever other memorabilia he had accumulated over the years. My dad had apparently kept a watchful eye on the man I already considered my ex-husband as he – the way Charlie put it – whined like a little baby the whole time. If I had a sense of humor left to speak of, I would've thought that was funny. Instead, all I could think about – regarding Jacob anyway – was how he hounded me relentlessly and the words he said to me the day he received the protection from abuse order.

The frequency with which Jacob blew up my phone in the days following arguably one of the worst nights of my life was astounding. Text messages I refused to read, phone calls I refused to take, voice mails I refused to listen to. Eventually, I turned my phone off, only for him to turn his efforts on Alice. Oh, she was pissed. She actually answered the first few times with morbid amusement and only to tell him to fuck off in new and creative ways. But when he threatened to come to Alice's apartment one evening when the kids were there, inevitably causing a scene that I didn't want them to witness, I knew I had to at least stall him. So I took the call.

"_What the hell is this, Bella?" He was shouting. Of _course_ he was shouting as soon as I answered. "So now what? I have two days? Two days to get my shit out of the house? _My _house, Bella? How could you _do _this? I can't believe you!"_

_I sat in stunned silence for a moment, but my anger took over soon enough because really… I was done with him. So totally done with his bullshit in every aspect of the word. _

"_You…you can't believe me? Are you serious, Jacob?" I somehow had to keep my voice at a minimum decibel level with the kids being in the other room. So, whisper-yelling was, sadly, all I could pull off. I wasn't satisfied with that in the least. I wanted to tear him apart with my words and my voice. "You deserve this, you piece of shit! Especially after the little stunt you pulled at the club last week! After _all _the things you've put me through. Don't try your guilt-trip shit with me anymore, Jake. It's not going to work! If you need to bitch at someone, go bitch to your new best friend, Vic-_whore_-ia," I huffed. "What, are you screwing her now too? Gross. Not that it's any of my business who you screw anymore." _

"_I am _not_…just…eww…no," he made a gagging sound and was I not as pissed off, I might've laughed. "And we're not friends either…"_

"_I. Don't. Care, Jake," I snarled. "But you crossed one too many lines with me, the latest being when you tried to force me against my will out of Moonstruck. Should we add _abduction_ to your rap sheet now?"_

"_Look, Bells," he sighed. And I was trying to figure out why I was still on the phone with him. "I'm…sorry, okay? It's just that…I miss you and…and it's driving me crazy! You won't talk to me, you won't… It's just that I… I love you so much and I just wish you would let me try and make things right, Bells. I don't want this…to be without you. Please…please, give me another chance?" _

_My stomach rolled. He was laying it on as thick as I'd heard in a while and I wanted to hurl all over my cell phone. But I couldn't fathom ruining a perfectly good phone like that. He was, hands down, the biggest self-centered prick I'd ever met and I wanted to bang my head into the wall repeatedly for wasting so much of my life on him. I took a deep breath, gripped my phone until my knuckles were white, and blew it out slowly. _

"_Get your shit out, Jacob, and stay out of my life. I'm done." _

"_But, wait a minute…Bells—"_

_I hung up. I wasn't wasting one more second on him. _

"Hey," Charlie's gruff voice tore me from my reverie. He pulled the picture out of my hands gently, forcing me to look at him. "You know you're doing the right thing, yeah?" I nodded, once again looking away from him at the mess Jake had left in his wake. The living room alone was littered with beer bottles and more broken pictures. I hadn't even made it into the kitchen yet to survey the damage in there. The bedroom was a disaster before I'd picked up Jake's clothes he'd strung all over the place. Luckily, the twins were at school, oblivious to it all. I huffed in annoyance just thinking about it. Charlie grunted and I looked back at him. He smoothed out his mustache and cleared him throat, shrugging uncomfortably. "I just mean…you don't need to feel guilty about…ya know…stuff Jake's done."

"I don't," I said a little too quickly, earning a skeptical look from my dad. "Really, Dad, I'm fine. It's just…going to take some getting used to." I left it at that and Charlie nodded, but not before asking the one thing I wished he hadn't.

"Heard from Edward?"

I couldn't hold back the grimace before I shook my head and looked away. Charlie pulled me into a quick, awkward hug and patted my back a couple times. He kissed the top of my head and grunted again before responding.

"Well, his loss. Anyway, Jake supposed to get the kids this weekend?"

I nodded. "Friday night."

"Alright. I'll be here to pick them up, take 'em to Billy's. You'll call me if you need anything, or have trouble with anyone." It wasn't a question.

I acquiesced and waved at him as he left in the cruiser, leaving me to clean up Jake's mess…in more ways than just one.

~*fOrSaKeN*~

"Mommy, can I put the red-hot thingies on the Rudolf cookies?" Krissy was standing studiously on a chair next to me. Her little fingers twitched as she licked her lips, watching every move I made with the sugar cookie dough.

"Yes, baby, I told you that you could, but you have to wait until I get them all cut out, okay?"

She nodded, huge dark brown eyes twinkling with her grin as she hopped on the chair in excitement.

"That's no fair! You _always_ get to do the Rudolf nose, Krissy! Mom! It's my turn to do the Rudolf nose!" Robby stomped his feet. Really, I was in no mood.

"Robby," I warned, only to be cut off by my unwavering daughter.

"Nuh-uh! _You_ get to do the Santa ones, Ro-_bert!_ 'Cause Santa and Rudolf have the same nose. 'Cause they're like bestest friends. Right, Mommy?" I nodded. But she didn't stop there. "Don't be such a _baby_," she snarked. She just had to get that little jab in there. _And here we go._

"I'm not a baby, _you_ are, Kris-_ten!_" I considered, momentarily, slamming my head in the oven door. "Anyways..." he trailed off mischievously. "Besides that… Mom, she called me the _A-_word yesterday!"

Krissy gasped as I slowly turned my head to her and narrowed my eyes. Hers were wide and darn near terrified, as they should've been. "What?" I bit out.

"Did not!" she screeched. My nerves were shot. Two days into their never-ending Christmas break and they were already testing my theory of tossing them both in a locked closet somewhere until Christmas morning. "Don't be such a liar, pants on fire, Robby!"

"Okay, that's twice now you've called your brother a name, Kristen Renee. And what do you think Santa does with name-callers?" Her face blanched.

"But, I didn't call him the A-word!" she insisted vehemently.

"She did too, Mom! _I_ think she shouldn't get any cookies at _all."_ And that one's attitude was about to make me batty. I tried to be a little more patient with him, since his Dad was, of course, not around more than he wasn't before, but still.

Krissy protested some more next to me. "Not what I _said_, Robby!"

"And just what did you say, Krissy?" I asked with a raised eyebrow.

Her mouth popped open and closed a couple times before she swallowed and finally replaced her nervous look with a mask of composed indifference. Yeah, she was that good.

"I just called him a donkey," she said with a shrug and a pout.

I struggled with my own composure and the giggle that tried to burst out of me, pressing my lips together in a hard line and holding my breath.

"Same difference, Kris-_sy_," Robby jumped in again. "_Donkey_ and the _A-_word is the same thing! Right, Mom?"

"How did you even…" I started, but was interrupted – again – by my other obnoxious child.

"Is not. Shrek says _donkey_ all the time…ugly, hairy, _donkey-face!" _

"_Mom!"_ Robby bellowed.

"Kristen! Okay, that's enough, both of you!" I blurted. "No more Shrek…no more donkey-speak…and Santa is going to be _very _sad to hear about this. I might just have to make a little phone call to the North Pole tonight about two naughty kids that can't be nice to each other!" That did it. They both stopped talking abruptly and looked at me with those pathetic, puppy dog eyes. I smirked after a beat or two of letting them wallow in the very effective, mommy-induced guilt trip. And then I cringed. _Oh my God, I've turned into my own mother. _

"You, apologize to your brother…now." I pointed at my daughter, who pursed her lips and let out a whiney huff before eyeing her brother with malice and then conceding.

"I'm sorry," she said, crossing her little arms over her chest and pouting.

"For…" I coached with raised eyebrows. Her brow pinched together tightly, adorably. She really was annoyingly the cutest little monster ever.

"I'm sorry for calling you a donkey…and a baby…and a liar pantsonfire…_and_ a ugly, hairy donkey face," she blurted and then sighed, as if it physically hurt her to say all that. I might have let a giggle slip.

"And you," I cleared my throat, pointing at Robby. "Apologize to your sister for being mean to her about the cookies."

"But…" he huffed, scowling at Krissy. I raised my eyebrow in challenge and he dropped his arm in defeat. He'd barely gotten the apology out when Krissy squealed and jumped off the chair, running over to the slider and pointing.

"It's _snowwwing!"_ she hopped in the balls of her feet excitedly. _Jesus,_ if she wasn't a little Alice. Robby followed on her heels and starting doing his fist-pump thing he did. "Hey, Mommy, can we play out in the snow with Edwarrrrrd and Kellan-Kellan again? That was fun!"

And just like that, this makeshift façade I'd built up of having a decent time making Christmas cookies with my children and actually _not_ thinking about Edward for five minutes came crumbling down around me. I tried to control the trembling in my body and the tremor in my voice as I turned to my daughter and smiled sadly.

"Not today, baby."

~*fOrSaKeN*~

"Stupid, annoying, meddling, do-gooder, pain in my ass!" I grumbled under my breath as I navigated my way from my safe haven in Jefferson Park to Lincolnwood to pick up Angela for a fun-filled day of shopping in crowded and freezing downtown Chicago. This was all Alice's fault. She was the reason I was venturing out in the world where I didn't want to be, and being forced to interact with people I didn't want to interact with. Damn it! Why couldn't she just leave me alone to curl up in my dirty sweat pants and stained hoodie, let the kids destroy the house and continue to wallow in my self-imposed hell? The fact that she was right about me wasting away did nothing to lighten my sour mood.

The only reason I was subjecting myself to this particular brand of holiday torture was because I'd done virtually nothing in the way of Christmas shopping for the kids – or anyone else, for that matter – nor had I even considered their birthdays coming in less than a week after Christmas. Alice seemed to get some sick satisfaction of pointing out my misgivings She guilted me into it, damn her! And _then_, dropping the bomb that our mother would be showing up here in no more than two days? Of course, Alice was right once again in pointing out that had I answered my email, or even read it, for that matter, I would've known Renee was coming.

All the times I had avoided her lately; all the things I had to tell her, to explain to her. I knew she was going to freak out, and I wasn't ready.

The other, more prominent reason I was doing this today, was because I couldn't look at my sister and see the pity in her eyes anymore. She was tough on the outside, but her eyes had always shown the flurry of emotions beneath her stoicism. From pity, to anger, to reticence and sometimes even apathy, I could tell I was bringing her down.

Another week had passed, and the numbness I was wishing for still hadn't come. I wasn't really crying anymore, but I hadn't heard from Edward and I felt the pain from that every minute, every second of every day. Inside my body was a tumultuous war; the part of me that wanted not to care fought relentlessly with the part that died a little bit every time I looked at my phone and saw that there were no missed calls, no texts, no indication that he was even thinking about me.

That part was winning.

And even though I was a mess on the inside, outside, I was a stone. I wasn't living, I was existing. Waiting. Every day for something…anything to show me he still wanted me. But nothing came. Nicci – who was now officially my _assistant, _according to Kate, and who I found was disturbingly growing on me…a lot – constantly talked about Emmett. She'd been spending more and more time with him, falling hard for him, and apparently felt that she _had _to tell me every detail. It was nothing I didn't expect from her, either because she wasn't smart enough, or didn't take the time to care – too wrapped up in her love life to notice – that every time she mentioned him, I cringed. At least she never mentioned Edward. But I knew…I knew if she was spending enough time with Emmett, she was spending at least a little bit of time with _him_.

Alice was a constant presence at my house. I knew she was worried about me…so she was babysitting me, and in all honesty, it was getting on my nerves. Though she was kind enough to take her many phone calls from Jasper out of ear-shot from me, the sorrowful looks she gave me either before she answered or after she got off the phone with him were enough…and it didn't help.

Before today, I'd cut myself off socially, avoiding calls from both Jessica and even my best friend, Angela. I felt bad about it – especially not talking to Ang – but I just couldn't do it. Angela finally broke down and called Alice one day, after blowing my phone up relentlessly, and my sister – bless her heart – simply told her things weren't good and to give me some time. I was grateful for that. I knew I'd have to make it up to both of them one day. I could tell that, day by day, Alice was getting more and more angry with Edward, and it made me feel even worse. I didn't want that.

He didn't deserve that. He didn't deserve any of this.

But did I? I wasn't sure of anything anymore.

Nevertheless, I could no longer hurt my friends by avoiding them. Well, one at least. I could stand to distance myself from Jessica for a while, and Nicci as much as Kate would allow. I didn't really even want to talk to Tanya, even though I needed to in the worst way, for the piece I was working on that Kate would soon be beating down my door for. But Angela, she deserved my time…and explanation.

Before I knew it, we'd been shopping for hours. Our bellies full of rich, coffee house cappuccinos and pastries in the morning which gave us fuel to brave the manic shoppers surrounding us and wind through the slushy streets to our destinations. The snow and ice on the buildings and sparse, naked trees of the city gave it an ethereal glow with a halo of sorts as the sun reflected off the crystals and white powder. If the circumstances of my life had been different, I would've reveled in the beauty and excitement of the season, but not today. Today's purpose was about struggle and necessity. The struggle to get back to the person my family and friends and children needed me to be and the necessity to make them – and myself – believe I could do it.

It didn't take me long during our undertaking to remember why Angela was my best friend. She had greeted me with a warm, forgiving hug and listened in quiet understanding as I recounted everything that had happened while we drove. She only offered her opinion when I asked and, as usual, I was overcome by her uncanny ability to read me like an open book. Her opinion was strong, as usual, that while I shouldn't give up on Edward, I couldn't stop my life because he needed time either. It was blunt and to the point, but delivered in the compassionate way that was so uniquely Angela, and I loved her because of it.

We meandered from store to store, shopping mostly in companionable silence, occasionally oohing and awing over items I'd found for the twins or in her case, the baby to come. We'd already been to the Lego store, where I found some ninja something-or-other and a Batman play set for Robby. We passed through countless other stores until the bags we were carrying made us feel like pack mules on a long excursion. Finally, we ended up at Westfield Mall, exhausting nearly every store in the place, including the Disney Store, where unbeknownst to Krissy, she made out like a bandit with all the Princess Ariel paraphernalia I found her. _Suck on that, Santa._

Deciding our feet couldn't carry us much longer, we sat down for a late lunch at one of my favorite guilty pleasures, Sbarro. While Angela and I practically moaned over the spinach and mushroom pizza we were sharing, I was shocked to find that I actually felt…happy. Despite my hesitance to venture out today, I found myself actually smiling and laughing with my friend. But that was how it always was with us. No matter what either of us was going through, we could always make each other giggle like high-schoolers. It felt good; I had missed my friend.

"So, are you gonna get him something?" Angela mused just before taking an obnoxious bite. She didn't need to elaborate. I knew who she was asking about. I sucked in a breath with the diet pop I was drinking, coughing and sputtering as the carbonated liquid seared its way down my windpipe instead of its rightful path down my esophagus. She sat patiently, waiting for me to collect myself and answer her question.

"Thanks for that," I muttered, wiping my mouth and crushing my napkin in my fist.

She tilted her head to the side and smiled deviously. "You weren't turning blue. So, anyway are you…?"

I leered at her, crinkling my nose in contempt before finally blowing out an exhaustive breath and rolling my eyes. "I already did…I ordered it…I just…hope I get to give it to him."

A slow smile crept across her mouth until it nearly split her face and her dark eyes lit up from behind her cat-eye rimmed glasses. "You will."

I inhaled slowly and blew it out. "There's one more store I want to go in before we leave."

Twenty minutes later, my best friend was staring at me as if I'd grown a second head. "Okay, B," Angela pursed her lips. "What are we doing at Zumiez?" she inquired about the trendy, one-stop-shop for skaters and enthusiasts of the like.

I shrugged in response, letting my hand brush languidly along a row of brightly colored jackets. "I dunno. I might find something for Robby in here." It was a half-truth, and she knew it. "These are cute."

"Mm-hmm. Robby. Right." She sounded unconvinced as she glanced up at the pint sized mannequin atop the display. "But you're right. These are super cute! Look, they zip all the way up. That one looks like a monster splattered with paint," she giggled. "Oh my God, B! Look at this one! It's a pirate! You should totally get this one for Robby. How freakin' cute would he look in this…?" her voice trailed off as something behind the counter caught my eye.

"Yeah, I'll get it," I mumbled, taking the jacket from her and folding it over my arm as I walked toward the counter. "Excuse me," I said to the very bored-looking teenager behind it. He regarded me lazily before raising his eyebrows and plastering a smile on his face. "Um, do you have any more of those?" I pointed to a poster of Rob Dyrdek on the wall behind him.

He glanced back and then turned to face me again, nodding. "We have a bunch of those at the end of the counter, down there." He pointed to his right. "Are you a big fan of his?" He looked me up and down surreptitiously, as if I was too old to be a big fan of a professional skate-boarder. Whatever.

"Yeah, actually," I snapped. "But I have a…friend…who's an even bigger fan."

"Oh, well…" he suddenly became a hell of a lot more chipper. "He was just here last week and we have a few autographed pictures left. Would you be interested in one of those?"

I smiled.

One pirate hoodie, one poster of Rob Dyrdek doing some ridiculously death-defying stunt, and one autographed picture later, Angela and I were making our way out of the store, when suddenly, I was stopped by a male voice I didn't recognize saying my name. Ang and I both spun at the same time in the direction of the voice and I saw a man walking toward me. I stiffened automatically and grasped Angela's forearm in alarm. I wasn't sure why. He approached me in a friendly manner, if not a little apprehensively. I stared at him, trying to place his features somewhere in the recesses of my brain. Sandy blonde hair, soft brown eyes, timid smile. But I couldn't find where I knew him from.

"You're Bella, right?" he said as he came to a halt a couple feet in front of me.

"Do I know you?" I asked, fighting the urge to turn and run.

"I'm sorry," he chuckled quietly. "My name is Riley, Riley Biers. We, uh, we only met briefly, if you could call it that." He held his hand out to me and I reached out to shake it not thinking. He held my hand in his firmly as he continued. "I know your, uh, husband?" Confusion flashed in his eyes briefly before he blinked it away. "I'm a new client of his…buyer…auto parts." I nodded in understanding and he chuckled again, seemingly at himself. "But, I think you might know my cousin…Vickie?" He said it like a question. Quiescence lingered in the air like static electricity as I processed what he said. But as realization suddenly hit me, and I remembered finally where I'd seen him last, and who he was with, I ripped my hand from his and took a step back.

"Victoria Sutherland?" I hissed. He nodded and I clenched the hand that had touched his into a fist. I fought the urge to wipe it vigorously on my jeans, instead narrowing my eyes and speaking through my teeth. "Are you following me? Did Jake send you? Or James? Do you know James?" I could hardly say that name without bile rising in my throat, but I noticed Riley's eyes darken when I mentioned James.

"He's crazy," he said ominously. "You should stay away from him, Bella."

"Tell me something I don't know," I quipped angrily.

"James, he asked me to find you."

I gasped at that little piece of information and took another step back. "He wanted me to try and convince you to drop the restraining order, and if you refused, he wanted me to…" Riley trailed off, averting his eyes.

"What?" I asked, immediately regretting my curiosity.

"He wanted me to…take you." His face contorted into a mask of remorse and regret.

"Oh my God! Leave me alone!" I hissed, stepping backward again.

"No…no, Bella wait." He held his hand up, palms facing me in submission. The near desperation in his tone made me hesitate in my retreat. "Look, they're sick, James and my cousin, and I don't want any part of it. I found you because of him, but only because I wanted to apologize for…" he looked around warily, as if he himself was being followed. "For what happened that night at the club, for what Victoria and your, and Jake did. I had no idea; I swear on my life, and I certainly wouldn't have gone had I known their plans. And, well, you obviously know what a crazy asshole – excuse my language – James is, but I just felt like I needed to warn you. He's got these…delusions…these crazy ideas…so just do everything you can to stay off his radar, okay?"

I stared at him, blinking in rapid succession and trying to process everything this man, whom I didn't know from Adam, told me. Finally, I let out the breath I was holding and looked over at Angela, who was looking back at me with an equal amount of confusion, concern and shock.

"Well," I started, swallowing audibly. "Thank you for the warning, I guess, but I don't even know you, so I'm sorry, but I can't say that I trust you in the least."

"It's okay," he said, sighing in what seemed like relief. Then he smiled timidly again and held my gaze as he continued. "I know this is going to sound crazy, but I feel compelled to make it up to you somehow…my inadvertent role in all this, in upsetting you. I'm leaving in a few days to head back home to Seattle, but I wonder if you would let me at least buy you a cup of coffee…or something else if you don't like coffee?"

_Whoa. So not what I was expecting. _

"Um," I looked at Angela for some assistance, but her eyes had widened to the size of half dollars. Turning my attention back to Riley, I cleared my throat. "That's very sweet of you, Riley, but I'm afraid I have to decline. I hope you understand why." I tried to keep my voice as calm and friendly-sounding as possible. He smiled a little sadly and nodded in understanding. He opened his mouth to say something else, when a loud throat clearing had all three of our heads snapping in the direction of it.

When my eyes met a pair of green ones, alight with fire, my knees nearly buckled. I traced his features with my eyes, taking in the wild locks of hair, the stubble, thicker on his face than I'd ever seen it, the sharp set of his jaw line, and the thin, angry line of his lips. His eyes were darting between Riley and me questioningly and that was when I noticed the dark, purplish hue under his eyes and the weak pallor of the skin surrounding it.

"Edward," I breathed, once I'd actually caught my breath. His eyes softened as he took me in, but hardened and flashed jade as he switched his attention back to Riley. It shouldn't have surprised me to see him here, even though it did. My eyes roamed from his face, down his body, scanning the thick, brown leather jacket – open in the front – to reveal a hunter-green V-neck. The same one that made the green in his eyes stand out like a beacon; the same one he wore Thanksgiving night. My body shivered. I continued my visual journey until I saw a bag, held tightly in his fist, bearing the same name as the store we now awkwardly stood in. He dropped it to the floor with a quiet thud and clenched his hands into fists.

My eyes darted between the two men; I felt caught in a weird suspension. Riley's face visibly blanched, but he held his ground, his muscles equally as rigid and tense. Time seemed to slow, a sense of dread and foreboding crackled in the air between us. Angela must have felt it too, as she grabbed my hand and tried to tug me back away from the Mexican standoff happening before us. I snapped out of my haze suddenly with her touch.

"Edward," I said his name again, trying to distract him from what I feared would happen inevitably.

"Leave…now," he spoke through clenched teeth, ignoring me completely and seething in the direction of the man who, for all I knew, was an innocent, unwittingly associated with the enemy.

"You don't know—" Riley started, but was quickly interrupted by Edward, who took an angry step toward him.

"I _said_…leave."

Riley swallowed audibly, weighing his options before finally turning an apologetic glance at me and then retreating quickly toward the exit. I looked back at the man I loved, unable to speak, a feeling of elation in seeing him coupled with the ever present feelings of regret and shame in a sinewy dance inside my body. Edward's eyes tracked Riley's retreating form, and then shifted to the floor between us. His fists were still clenched tightly at his side, his jaw muscle still flexed, making the line of it even sharper. I inhaled slowly and opened my mouth to speak, but it was Edward who broke the silence.

"What are you doing?" His tone was that of judgment. Accusation splayed in his eyes as he narrowed them, his nostrils flaring. My jaw fell slack.

"I'm…shopping," I answered lamely.

"Do you even know who you were just talking to? That's _Victoria's_ cousin. He's affiliated with _Jacob._ With _James." _He punctuated each name as if his fists were connecting with my gut when he said them and I flinched. "Have you no sense of self-preservation?" He scolded me like I was a child…carelessly playing with an outlet or stepping onto the street without looking. All my other feelings gave way to an intense anger I was unaware I had in me.

"I know who he is!" I hissed back. And watched almost in awe as Edwards face changed in an instant, twisting in pain, and then contorting again to an expressionless mask.

"Oh, I see," he merely whispered, looking back toward the floor. But his jaw was still tense, still angry with me. "I heard him ask you out…for coffee," he said the word like a curse. "And you hesitated. You considered it?" He cleared his throat and returned his gaze to me, but the green in his irises seemed to fade, his voice hollowed out. "Moving on so soon? That's typical." That was when I saw it, among his disgust at my lack of self-preservation, as he called it, there was jealously. Rabid, uncontrolled jealousy.

"What? No! Have you lost your mind?" I bit out on a gasp too quickly.

"I lost my _mind," _he snarled, "when I believed you loved me…that you wouldn't hurt me again."

I gaped at him. For a moment, I thought maybe I hadn't heard him correctly, but his narrowed, furious eyes told me I had. Despite myself, the anger took hold as I advanced toward him, clenching my own fists. "How dare…you…_cheated_…on me, Edward!" He flinched, the color draining from his face impossibly more. "You…_killed_ me eleven years ago, you self-righteous son-of-a-bitch! _You _tore my heart to pieces and left me with nothing!" Inside, I warred with myself. I wanted to run to him, throw myself in his arms and tell him I was sorry, over and over again. But I'd already done that and now, the anger was too powerful, displaying for me with evil satisfaction the images of him and Vic-whore-ia…the things my sister had said…my dad. I couldn't control it.

"Bella…I," he started, his voice strained and weak.

"_Save it!" _I yelled, shoving my way past him, resisting with everything in me the urge to grasp onto his shirt and hold on for dear life, and headed toward the door vaguely sensing Angela close behind me.

No sooner had I made it out the door and around the corner, when I heard him again. "Bella., wait!" I ignored him, feeling Angela's eyes on me. "_Fuck! _Would you just _wait?"_ I tried to walk faster, wrestling with emotion. But suddenly, I felt strong arms wrap around me from behind, pulling me into an alcove not far from the store.

"Bella!" Angela called out, half panicked. I gasped, startled, but before I could make a sound, his lips were on mine.

Frantic.

Consuming.

I was stunned for a moment, standing with a rigid back and clenched muscles, until he pushed me backward and slammed me into the wall. A gush of air rushed out through my lips as his hands roamed my sides, dipping down and curving around my ass, pulling me into him and sliding back up to the swell of my breasts. I moaned when he pressed his thigh into my center, dragging it up, then down as his lips claimed mine with the precision of madman.

I dropped the bags, precious gifts all but forgotten as fire licked at my skin, shards of pleasure tearing apart my resolve and ripping me at the very seams I thought I'd sewn together the past two weeks. My hands shot up to his hair of their own accord, and my fingers tangled themselves in his wayward locks. He kneaded my denim-covered flesh urgently…deliciously as his hands slid up, down, up again and under my shirt to feel my naked skin and leave trails of tingles in his fingers' wake.

What was he doing? _Why_ was he doing this? I was so confused…so aroused and still so angry. _Goddamn him!_

"Edward," I moaned as his lips released mine and his leg slid lusciously against me again. The friction was too good, the reconnection too strong for me to resist. "Stop," I breathed, obviously too quiet for him to have heard. Hell, it was barely audible to my own ears. His lips left a scorching trail from the corner of my mouth, down to my jaw and up toward my ear. My breath stopped dead in my throat when his hands groped my ass again, sliding down to my thigh and hitching it up so that he could press his erection into me. In just the right spot. _Oh God._

"Bella," he groaned. His sweet breath bathed my ear and the sensitive skin below it, sending tingles throughout my body. I squeezed my eyes shut…wanting so much for this to be real, and not some caveman-like reaction to him seeing me speak to another man, however innocent that might have been. I fought with my want, my love and my anger all at the same time. _"Mine,"_ he growled, scraping his teeth lightly against my skin and suckling thereafter. My knees nearly gave out. Caveman or not, I couldn't resist him. Any attempt was futile and I knew it.

"You…can't be…so…naïve," he spoke between kisses, pressing himself into me again and again until my control was all but lost. What wasn't lost on me was the _way_ he said it. Possessive…angry…jealous. Gone was the tender Edward I knew and loved…replaced by this man that felt the same…felt impossibly good and familiar, but sounded so wrong and different. "You can't just _talk_ to anyone, Bella." He pressed his hardness into me forcefully and I whimpered, my head lolling back against the wall. "They're deceitful…you have to…_fuck_, I want you…" his fingers dug into the denim covering my ass as he sucked my ear lobe between his lips. "You have to stay…away from them, you…"

"Edward," I breathed, not even sure what I wanted from him. I was so conflicted. Pissed that he would think so little of me. Think I was stupid enough to believe a word anyone associated with those _people_ would say to me, and yet I found myself never wanting him to stop. He pressed his forehead to mine, clenching his jaw so tightly I swore I heard it crack.

"They're dangerous," he hissed. I pulled my head from the wall, grabbed the front of his jacket in both my fists and shook him until his eyes met mine. _God_, they were swimming with so much emotion, I couldn't decipher what I was looking at. Still, I couldn't stop myself from calling him out on his bullshit.

"Dangerous? And _you're _not?" I hissed in return. He suddenly looked confused. His forehead wrinkled and his eyes darted between mine. "You're more dangerous to me than anyone. You alone have the power to break me worse than anyone I've ever known, Edward, and you have!" My eyes pooled with unshed tears and my breaths came out in sharp gasps. Although my words were quiet and weak, they struck something in him and he dropped his hands from me immediately, taking a step back. My body screamed at the loss of contact, but I didn't move. His hand flew to his hair, fisting it as his eyes took on a feral, unfocused glaze.

"What? What the fuck are you…?" he stammered. "How…how can you _say_ that to me?"

A throat cleared near us and both our heads snapped in the direction of it. _There seemed to be a lot of that happening today. _My eyes immediately found Angela, who was staring at us, arms crossed and looking at me in equal parts shock and concern. I took a couple steps backward away from Edward, shaking my head as a huge lump formed in my throat and tears hovered over my eyelids.

"I…h—have to go," I choked out.

"No…" he started, but I turned before I no longer had a choice, grabbing my shopping bags and walking toward my friend as quickly as I could.

"Bella!" I heard him call out, but I rushed away before he had a chance to see the tears sliding down my cheeks once again.

I stayed at Angela's for a while, unable to go straight home and face my sister. I knew she'd want to lash out at Edward just as I had and I couldn't take it. My heart hurt and my gut ached and my head screamed at me to stay mad at him, but I couldn't. All I could feel was the crushing loss of him. I felt Angela's eyes on me the entire way to her house as my hands, tightly gripped to the steering wheel, shook beyond my control. I tried to apologize to her, but she wouldn't hear of it. She didn't question anything either, only offered me the comfort and solace of her house for as long as I needed to gain my bearings. She hugged me and kissed my cheek before I left, telling me things only my best friend could to break through my stone façade, and I sobbed into her shoulder feeling myself let go.

When I pulled into my own garage and sauntered toward the door, I had barely gotten myself under control when I was assaulted by the twins flinging it open, squealing and jumping around. I assumed they were begging for me to reveal what I'd gotten them, until I listened a little more closely. "Grammie's here! Grammie's here!" they chanted. My eyes widened, confused. She wasn't expected until at least the next day. Just then, Alice appeared behind them, her own eyes wide and her mouth curled into a sheepish smile.

"Yes!" she said, a little high-pitched and hysterical. "A day early! How 'bout that?" Then she looked at me apologetically and mouthed, "I didn't know." I sighed in defeat, saying nothing and pushing through the door. Exhaustion had taken hold of me. I ascended the stairs, only to be met by my mother at the top. Her hands were clasped together in front of her; a wild smile adorned her lips, as she bounced on the balls of her feet.

"There's my baby girl!" she cooed, reaching out to me for a hug. "The one who doesn't call me…or return my emails." She gave me a scolding look, but I could see the light in her eyes.

"Hi, Mom," I said lazily. "I'm sorry."

"Well," she chimed. "What on earth have you been up to, Isabella?"

I glanced at Alice and then at the kids before taking a shuddering breath. "I'm going to make a pot of coffee," I said, walking around her. "We'll talk when the kids go to bed. We're probably going to need this," I gestured to the coffee pot and then looked at Renee, standing there excitedly with a sun-kissed glow to her skin. "I have a lot to tell you, Mom; it's going to be a long night."

~*fOrSaKeN*~

_**End notes: Thanks so much for reading even though I'm a total fail at updating timely! Thank you for your patience. I know you have questions after this one, so hit me. ;-) **_

_**I have a lovely 2-part outtake for my darling reviewers. (Yeah, this chapter was even longer!) Leave me love or hate…preferably not hate. :-P **_

_**I'm working on a Tumblr page for FIMMP. I finally got the best background in the world, thanks to an amazing friend of mine. (Edwardsjournals on ffn…aka…IveBeenRobbed on Facebook) and although all my pictures are gone thanks to the laptop dying *FML* I do plan to add a lot of visuals for you all regarding this story. I'll put the link on my profile, so I'd love it if you checked it out and follow me if you have a Tumblr! Until next time…**_


	56. Chapter 52 Rearrange

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past**

**Chapter 52: Rearrange**

_***A/N: Wow. Hi! It's been a very long time. To say I went on a bit of a sabbatical is a gross understatement. There are many reasons, none of which I'll bore you with, but I'm back…and yes, I plan on finishing this monster of a story. To those of you who've stuck around, 'thank you' doesn't even begin to cover it. **_

_**My betas are rock stars, and I'm their biggest groupie. True story. **_

_**I'll meet ya at the bottom. ;-)**_

_**I do not own the Twilight characters, nor do I own the songs used in this fic. But I hope you enjoy the twisted roller coaster ride I've created. Remember to keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times until it comes to a full and complete stop. The crazy plot below, I do own. So please respect.**_

_**Song: 18 Days ~ Saving Abel**_

"_It's been eighteen days since I had to look at myself,_

_I don't wanna have to change; if I don't then no one will,_

_Is it my state of mind, or is it just everything else?_

_I don't wanna have to be here; I don't understand it now,_

'_Cause it's been eighteen days since I first held you,_

_But to me it feels just like, it feels like a lifetime,_

_I'm trying hard to rearrange; some say it's the hardest thing to do,_

_But that's another eighteen days without you,_

_Time after time, I've been through this,_

_You show me what it means to live; you give me hope when I was hopeless,_

_As my days fade into night, I remember that state of mind,_

_I'm soaring straight into your hear, and I'll fly high,_

'_Cause it's been eighteen days since I first held you, _

_But to me it feels just like, it feels like a lifetime,_

_I'm trying hard to rearrange; some say it's the hardest thing to do,_

_But that's another eighteen days without you,_

_And I know what they say about all good things,_

_Will they come to an end? But I'll fight this time,_

_So that we might…have a chance at this…"_

**_~Edward~_**

The heart.

Interesting organ.

The sole purpose of this fist-sized muscle in the upper left thorax was to keep the body alive by pumping blood throughout it. In one side, out the other. In…out…repeat. Without the heart, the human body couldn't function.

_Thump-thump._

_Thump-thump. _

That sound meant life, plain and simple.

I was pretty fucking sure if I placed the drum of my stethoscope right above the heart in my own chest, I would hear that sound. Funny, though, how I didn't feel alive.

The other funny thing? The thing people didn't necessarily think about when the subject of the heart came up in all its glory was that it didn't just do its job on its own. No. See, the heart? It got its orders from the brain. Just like every other organ in these fleshy, bone-filled vehicles we walked around in. I mean, if people actually had to _think_ about making their hearts beat, or their lungs fill up with oxygen and expel carbon dioxide, and so on and so forth, there would definitely be a lot more idiots six feet under.

Miracle? Biology? Miracle of biology? Who fucking knew. All I knew was that my brain was the equivalent of scrambled goddamned eggs with a little bit of 'what the fuck am I doing' mixed in. No miracle in that, just simple stubborn ignorance.

But the craziest thing of all? The heart…lungs…other vital organs could be kept alive, even when the brain was essentially dead. By external forces, of course.

I mean, I knew the physiological aspects of the heart and the brain…life and death…everything, really. What I was having problems with – fucking obviously – was the mental part. I mean, okay, yeah, the brain controlled…everything…physically, but mentally? Emotionally?

Fuck!

Of course, I knew how the physiology worked in that aspect as well. Hormones regulated – among other things – emotions, moods. Pretty much every-goddamned-thing. They were released from the pituitary gland, and where was the pituitary gland located? None other than the brain. _Why not? _

It was all fucking physiological. I could apply physiology to every single process of the human body, mental and physical. But, what I couldn't figure out…as I watched Bella walk away from me at the mall, after I'd insulted her, manhandled her, and nearly taken her up against the very public wall…was _why_ I was acting like a complete motherfucking douche-nozzle.

Per the goddamned usual, I was cursing my dick.

I had no idea why I was acting like that.

Okay, I _had_ a little bit of an idea.

Fuck.

Seeing her talk to that little prick, who just so happened to be Victoria's cousin, instantly turned me into a starving lion, staring at a raw fucking steak. I wanted to rip him apart…and then devour _her_ right in front of him. _God_, I was turning into a sick bastard. Just like the one she married. I growled under my breath at the thought of that. I would not be him.

I. Would. Not. Be. Him.

Ever.

But, _excuse me_ very fucking much if I wanted to protect her from assholes who tried to take advantage of her. She knew that about me. At least she _should've_ known that about me. But yet, she insisted on talking to just anybody because they were _nice_ to her. Because they asked her out for fucking _coffee! Barf. _Oh please, that dick had no intention of taking her out for coffee. Taking her out of her clothes, maybe.

Fuck's sake! The thought of that made me want to break his bones.

And as I watched her run away from me, I felt like the bones in my own legs were splintering…unable to hold the weight in my heart, and the weight in my head. I leaned back against the very wall I'd pinned her against and let my head fall back in contemplation, frustration. Annoyed with myself; with her; with every-goddamned-thing.

Looking down at the bags I'd accumulated on this very _Mary Poppins-like_ shopping excursion, I groaned and slammed my head back against the wall. The bags held various gifts for Kellan: a new skateboard, jacket, watch, some DC high-tops – all skater approved, according to my boy when he picked them out.

The pain radiating from the back of my skull felt good, for a few seconds at least. I reveled in it. But it didn't keep me from thinking about my son and how he didn't deserve anything less than a perfect Christmas, with a father that wasn't in a piss-poor mood. And it didn't keep me from thinking about Kendyll and what that poor little girl deserved. Shit, she deserved the moon after what she'd been through, and I was damned sure I was going to try and give it to her. And finally, it didn't, by any fucking means, keep me from thinking of the gifts I'd gotten Bella. The ones I hoped, with every part of me, that I'd be able to give to her…in person.

With a huff and a curse under my breath, I grabbed the bags and made my way to the parking lot, continuing to school myself on the effects that the brain had on the fucking heart and vice-versa – emotionally-speaking on _that_ end of it – and just which one, exactly, I was using, or not using as it seemed. I was a goddamned doctor. I knew the ins and outs of every ventricle, chamber, valve, and lobe involved. So what was the problem?

_Me. I_ was the problem. My feelings, the ones I so obviously couldn't get in touch with. _My_ brain. _My_ heart. It was me. And to be quite honest, the fucking physiology lesson I continued to try and give myself was serving to do nothing but make my brain hurt even more than it already did.

Finally inside my car, I slammed my hands on the steering wheel. I gripped hard, feeling the muscles in my forearm tense and coil, letting the dull ache bloom once again and trickle down into my torso, seizing my chest and moving on toward my belly. The wave of nausea I felt as my mind's eye replayed what had gone down in the mall, what had gone down before that at Alice's apartment was par for the course. I felt it every time I thought of her since I walked away, and the thought of her walking – running, rather – away from me today only brought it back ten-fold.

I picked up my phone, tossed it back on the seat, picked it up again, tossed it again. When I picked it up a third time, I just stared at it, like I'd forgotten how to use the fucking thing. I knew I should call her; tell her I was sorry, because I was. I was a sorry bastard. But I hesitated because was that what she wanted? Did she want me just to leave her alone? Give _her_ some space now? Was I even ready for that? Had I taken enough time to process the whole 'oh by the way, you became a father eleven years ago' thing? Not really. How long did it take to get past something like that? To get past what I'd done and what she'd done and just be…okay?

Oh, I was ready to fuck her again. That much was obvious. My dick was a shady bastard who was always ready to stand at attention at the mere thought of her. Was it conducive to the situation? No. But she responded to me today, physically at least. Her body always responded to me, just as mine always responded to her. I didn't think that would ever change, but we didn't have our heads on straight. Well, mine more than hers. And that had to happen before…

I needed all of her. I needed everything, not just her body. And I knew she needed the same from me. She needed me to get beyond this. She needed me to be there for her in every way I could, without all the shit weighing heavy on my mind. Was it still weighing heavy on my mind? Yes. Was I ready to put it past us and move on? Forget? Forgive?

Yes…no…I didn't know.

Fuck.

I knew she'd forgiven me. At least she'd said as much, until I saw her today and she threw it back in my face again. _Goddamn it!_ I was so fucking confused. Was the ball in my court or hers? Had I fouled last or had she?

_Aaaand_ now, I was using motherfucking basketball analogies. I was losing…my goddamned…mind.

~*fOrSaKeN*~

"This is total bullshit, Carlisle!" I barked at my father, punching the up arrow on the elevator at the hospital a little harder than I needed to. Yeah, I was taking my shit out on him; what else was new? I was running late for my next appointment, the whole mess with Bella was still strangling me, and when he called, I expected to hear good news with regards to Kendyll. On the contrary, the _luck 'o the Cullens_ wasn't in the cards for me, apparently. Because what I was hearing was more of the run-around he and I had been hearing for the last two goddamned weeks. For a split second, I wondered – and got a nice internal chuckle about it – whether the state of Florida was suffering from bloating, cramping and fucking hemorrhoids due to the giant stick wedged up its ass.

Right. They probably hadn't even noticed it. Pretentious assholes. No pun intended.

And then I briefly wondered if this situation I'd embroiled myself in was worth the constant migraines. I mean, Christ, at first, Carlisle thought I'd completely lost my mind…driven off the cliff and plummeted straight into lunatic valley. And in all honesty, I thought I had a little bit too.

"_You want to what?" Carlisle asked me. The disbelief was written all over his normally very professional, stoic face. _

"_I said I want to adopt her, Dad," I replied immediately, keeping my stance relaxed but strong, my expression stone-cold sober. _

_He shook his head, huffed a little, placed his hands on his hips, paced a few feet in each direction, and shook his head again, all while studying me intently. _

"_You're serious." _

_I nodded once. "Edward, are you sure?" _

_I nodded again because, yeah, I was fucking sure. I couldn't necessarily believe it myself, but I was sure. _

"_I don't think you understand the complexities of adoption son," he continued. I looked at him incredulously and he shrugged. "Okay, yes, you understand some of it, sure, but there are so many things you have to consider. So many things…" he trailed off. "You'll be investigated. Your home will be scrutinized. All the hoops you'll have to jump through… Have you even talked to Kellan about this?" He had me there. But I planned to, and soon. I knew it would take a little while to get the adoption process complete, so as soon as I got it going, I planned to talk to my son. I shrugged and Carlisle's brows pinched together. "What if he doesn't _want _a sister? Have you thought of that?" _

_Not really. Fuck. _

"_I'll talk to him. He'll be fine; he…he likes her," I answered lamely. _

I ran my hands through my hair, fisting it in frustration. Because I hadn't talked to him…two weeks later, and I still hadn't told my son the details of my plans. I had a feeling he would be okay with it, but still, that was a huge shock to come to terms with for him. I needed to get my ass in gear, and fast.

_Carlisle laughed humorlessly. "He just met her, Edward! You can't expect him to just accept her with open arms! He's an only child; it's only just been him. I'm afraid he won't understand, son. And I'm afraid it will hurt your relationship with him." _

"_It won't!" I shot back through gritted teeth. "He'll be fine. Eventually, he'll be fine, I know it." It sounded like I was trying to convince him, and I wasn't sure if I was actually trying to convince Carlisle or myself. But I knew, somehow, deep down, I knew in my bones that Kellan would accept her. _

"_And you love the child? Enough to risk that? Enough to risk straining your relationship with your own son?" He eyed me skeptically. _

"_Yes," I replied resolutely, referring to my previous thoughts that Kellan would accept her, and a little shocked at myself that I could confidently state I loved Kendyll. I'd known her only a short period of time, but we shared a connection that seemed so deep I could not explain it. It was something other than a 'hero complex.' Of that, I was certain. _

"_She's going to have problems, son, and not just physical. She already does. You have to understand that." I cut my eyes to him quickly and looked away, nodding in acquiescence. "She lost her parents," he continued. "Violently, Edward. That's traumatic to anyone. She has nightmares, the nurses tell me, every night. She wakes up screaming…terrified."_

I let out a shaky breath and scrubbed my face with the heels of my hands. I wasn't aware of this at the time, because my fucking father told me nothing about her condition unless I begged for it, but I should have known. I knew he was trying to scare me away from this, but his admission only made me want to help the little girl more. Only made me feel more for her. She needed me. And now, I needed her.

"_It's going to take her a long time to get past all that, Edward. She may not ever. You won't be able to replace her parents…her father, son, no matter how hard you try."_

"_I know that!" I hissed. "You know, this is pretty hypocritical coming from you. I wonder if anyone told you and Esme that I was too fucked up to adopt? Hmm? Anyone tell Esme that she could never replace my birth-mother?" _

_He flinched at that. "You were merely a toddler. This is different and you know it!" I did know it, but I was too fucking stubborn to admit it. So I just glowered at him until he let out a breath and shook his head. "Well, I can only speak from experience here because I don't deal with this every day, but you're already a single father. One who works long hours, sometimes overnights at the hospital. I don't know that the powers that be would think it ideal for her."_

I cringed, thinking back on that, rubbing the dull ache in my chest. And God, I was painfully aware of the nightmares now. From what I'd been told, she was having them every night, waking up screaming for her dead parents. Shaking with fear and pleading for someone…anyone to find them for her. I even asked Kendyll about it once. She looked shocked, her eyes widened and then blinked rapidly, but she only responded by saying she didn't remember them. I knew better. Poor thing didn't want to remember them. It broke my heart. It made me angry at myself for not getting them out. The rational side of my brain knew there was nothing I could've done, but the self-deprecating side told me I should've done something more.

"_I won't be single forever," I retorted defensively. "I…I want Bella to—"_

"_Bella's not even involved right now, Edward! You told me yourself, you two aren't even speaking!"_

_I spun around and pointed at him. "But we will be! And she _will _be involved." My breath caught in my throat and I had to stop before my voice wavered. Absently, I rubbed the place where my chest ached at the thought of Bella. _

"_Edward," he glanced up at me, eyes full of pity. "You can't bank on that. What if she doesn't—"_

"_Don't!" I yelled, before gripping my hair in both hands and turning to pace the length of his office. _

"_And then there's the small matter of your temper," he chided. I wondered to myself if he realized _he_ was the one currently pissing me the fuck off. _

"_I knew this was going to happen. I guess I should've known you would turn this into 'the many fuck-ups of Edward Cullen.' So, thanks for that, Dad," I snarled. "Forget I fucking mentioned anything, all right? But, I'm doing this with or without your help. Although, _with_ would be a whole hell of a lot better." _

_A few beats of time passed before Carlisle sighed and eventually nodded in concession. "I'm sorry. I don't mean for it to seem like I doubt you, or that I think you have all these faults. I just, I want you to be prepared for everything that might come up, Edward." _

"_I know," I nodded. _

"_And I realize your mother and I went through this when we adopted you, but, well with Kendyll, the situation seems a bit more…complicated." His voice sounded almost reluctant. I spun around to face him again. _

"_What's complicated? She has no family; she has no one. She needs me; I want her; I adopt her. End of story." But I knew there was more to it than that. I was entertaining this fantasy of a smooth and easy process, when there was nothing smooth and easy about it. "I can take care of her, Dad, no matter what…" I threw my hands up, gesturing wildly, "…social worker, or, or court-ordered whatever thinks!" _

"_I know, Edward," he soothed. "And despite my concerns, which I've already stated, that's not what I was referring to. There's more." _

_I stopped pacing and stared at him. "What do you mean _more_?" _

"_Well, I don't know exactly," he started. "We're still waiting on medical records from her pediatrician in Florida, which seems to be taking forever and every time our records department calls down there, they're told that the records have to be held because they themselves are waiting on the authorities to determine next of kin." _

_My body froze abruptly and felt the blood drain from my face. "What? What do you mean, next of kin, Carlisle? _You_ told me she didn't have any family!" I couldn't believe it. Here I was determined to adopt this little girl and she could still have someone out there to come and take her? From me. I couldn't fathom it. _

"_Because that's what I understood at the time. Apparently there's been a…complication…or a development of some kind." _

"_What the hell?" I fisted my hair again. "What kind of _development_, Carlisle?" And yeah, my voice was rising a little. _

_Carlisle sighed and pressed his fingers into his temples, rubbing slowly. "Dear God, Edward. Would you please calm down? I don't know." _

"_You don't know," I snapped. "What do you…what do you mean you don't know? I thought you knew everything and just wasn't telling me!"_

"_I mean just what I said, son. I don't know." His patience was running thin with me and I could tell. So, I tried to slow my breathing, curb the panic bubbling up in my chest and just listen for a minute. Of course, with what came out of his mouth next, it didn't help. "I'm getting limited information on her and it's just as frustrating for me. It's like everything is sealed up tight on the child."_

"_Kendyll," I snarled. _

_His brow pinched in confusion. "What?" _

"_The _child_ has a name and it's Kendyll. She's not just some kid to me, Dad. Not just some kid we're gonna ship off to the next person to deal with. Not going to happen." He glared in response to that little tirade. Okay, yeah, I might've taken it a bit far insinuating he was just a bureaucratic asshole like the rest of them…which I knew he was not. Still though, I had to make my point. I huffed out in defeat and looked at him apologetically. "I'm sorry. I just, I don't know what to do next. I mean, they're gonna release her from the hospital to what? Go to some foster home? Group home with people she doesn't even know? I don't want that for her, Dad. She doesn't want that. She's scared to death!" _

_Carlisle was quiet for a couple beats. Thinking. And then he seemed to verbalize his thoughts. "I wonder if she's been assigned a social worker yet. That's usually how these things work, but I haven't been informed of anything." His eyes met mine briefly, and he grabbed his desk phone. "Let me call Lydia real quick and see if she knows." _

_Great. Lydia O'Neal. Pediatrician and snobby bitch extraordinaire. She hated me. "Don't mention me!" I whispered. "She'll never tell you anything else!" _

_Carlisle cupped the mouth piece of his phone and looked at me almost amused. "Edward, you really should get over yourself. You two are adults and professionals for heaven's sake. You'd think you could act civil around each other." _

"_It's not me, it's her. Maybe she needs to get over herself!" I huffed, crossing my arms over my chest like the mature, grown ass man I was. _

_Doctor O'Neal confirmed with Carlisle that she had, in fact, received a phone call from Child Services stating a social worker would be out to speak with her, blah, blah. But that had been the week before and someone had yet to show up. Boy, state governments were really right on task, weren't they? She told Carlisle that she'd check up on the situation in the morning, and that was that. We were at a stand-still. _

_Well, that was until something struck me like a bolt of lightning. "Carlisle, I think I know someone who can help," I blurted excitedly. He just stared at me, waiting for me to continue. So I pulled my cell phone out and waved it at him. "Tanya!" _

_His brow furrowed in confusion. "Tanya? Tanya Denali?" _

"_Yep!" I replied, beaming and grinning like I just solved the greatest mystery of the universe. "She's in social work. She does this shit for a living. I can't believe I didn't think of her before!" _

"_Edward, I don't think you can just call up an old friend, whether she does this for a living or not, and expect them to just hand you the…to hand Kendyll over to you. That's not really how it works. There are steps, processes…"_

_I rolled my eyes as he trailed off and I dialed Garrett's number, grumbling under my breath about his annoying goddamned moral code and self-righteous bullshit with regard to doing everything by the book. _

"_Hey, Garrett it's Edward. Yeah, man, I'm good, but can you put Tanya on the phone real quick? Because I need her help with something. Yeah, seriously." _

~*fOrSaKeN*~

Carlisle's heavy sigh pulled me from my reverie, and then I mentally slapped the hell out of myself for even second-guessing why I was doing what I was doing. The look on Kendyll's face when I was finally able to tell her our plans was worth all the migraines I had and would endure. It was priceless. I treasured it. And I hoped, beyond all logic and reason that I wouldn't fuck it up somehow.

"Son, you really have got to calm down. We've talked about this," he chided, like I was a tantrum-having toddler. I gritted my teeth, willing myself to calm the fuck down. I knew Carlisle was doing everything he could, but playing Russian roulette with someone's health – especially _someone_ I was trying to adopt as my own – did not a happy doctor make.

"Well, how long has she been in the hospital, Dad? And now, she's been out for more than a week. It's been weeks…_weeks!_ And they still have not sent her medical records!" Yeah, so much for calming down. "I mean, _Christ!_ It's a miracle she hasn't had an allergic reaction to something and gone into anaphylactic shock by now!" He huffed in the background as I continued my rant. "We need the records. We _need_ them to make sure we don't give her something that kills her!"

"Edward, she's fine—"

"For God's sake. She's a little kid from a nice, decent – from the looks of them – family. It's not like they didn't take her to the doctor!" I wanted to throw an F-bomb in there, but I was exiting the elevator to the floor of my office and didn't want to risk a patient hearing me. You know…professionalism and all that shit. "And besides that, I'm definitely going to need them once I adopt her. How can they just hold them like this?" I ran my hand through my hair and fisted it. Frustration seemed to be my staple these days, and the bane of my goddamned existence.

"About that—"

"Hang on," I interrupted my father for the second time as I pushed through the glass doors of Chicago Women's Clinic and spotted Heidi standing behind the counter, jotting down some patient information in a chart. The long receiving station was aptly decorated for the holidays. Green and red shiny garland twisted together and accented by a string of little white Christmas lights. The small tree at the far end of the room near the patients' waiting area was equally jolly with red and green metallic ornaments and silver garland. In all honesty, all the decorations made my heart feel even heavier. It made me think of Bella. It made me think of Kendyll; made me wonder where she'd be on Christmas. And it made me think of Kellan, realizing I had yet to put up and decorate a tree with my son. I made a mental note to do that as soon as I picked him up.

"Hey, Heidi." She looked up from the chart in her hands and smiled sweetly. But that smile fell as soon as she took in the foul mood that was displayed all over my face. I didn't give her a chance to respond. "How long 'til my appointment?"

"You got about twenty minutes, Doc," she replied, a sad smile adorning her slim face. Her brown eyes held pity for me. Something I didn't care to see at the moment. So I nodded curtly and barreled past her toward my office. Once inside, I pushed the door shut and took a breath. My mind was swimming. I heard a strange noise, one that didn't register until I looked down at the phone clutched tightly in my hand and realized Carlisle was still on the phone. Shit. I put it to my ear quickly.

"Sorry, Dad, but I gotta go. Got a patient coming in in twenty minutes that I'm definitely not prepared for. You'll let me know when you find out anything about Kendyll's medical records? Anything at all?"

"Yes, Edward, that's what I'm trying to—"

"Great. I really gotta go. Talk to you later." I hit end, dropping the phone on my desk and running both hands through my hair in frustration. Plopping down in my leather chair, I tried to get my mind to focus on the goddamned task at hand. I knew practically nothing about the patient coming in other than this was a 'new patient consult.' So, I was being interviewed. Splendid, just what I needed today. Hell, I couldn't even remember her name. I mean, it couldn't have been because my mind was in fourteen different places at once, could it?

I picked up the phone and dialed the front desk, too lazy to get off my ass and walk the twenty or so steps to get there. When Heidi's pleasant voice answered with her typical, "Yes, Doc?" I couldn't suppress a grimace. Yet another person who didn't deserve my foul attitude.

"Heids, the patient that's coming in, what's her name again?"

She giggled softly. "A lot on your mind, huh, Doc? It's Denise Connelly. Thirty-four and a half weeks; twenty-nine years old; second pregnancy. As far as she's stated, there have been no complications with either. She's coming to us from Doctor Joyce Westin's office. Remember Doctor Westin's husband recently fell ill, so she's taking some time off." No, I actually didn't remember that. Although, it might've happened while I was taking time of my own off. It wasn't like I knew all of my colleagues personally, but it was always good to keep up appearances, so-to-speak. I made a mental note to send a card or something. "Hey, Edward?" Her tone changed. Quiet. Concerned. "You okay?"

"What? No…yeah, Heidi, I'm fine," I replied weakly. She could read me like a harlequin novel and I knew it. She knew it too, and her silence confirmed this. Luckily, Heidi also knew when to leave things well enough alone.

"Well, we've missed you around here," she offered.

"Thank you. It's…good to be back."

I decided to busy myself with straightening up my desk. A notepad and pen were good things to start off with when consulting with a new patient, so I pulled open my desk drawer and staring back at me was something that made my stomach somersault violently. It was a picture of Bella and me, but not just any picture. It was taken many years before by Bella herself. I remembered us cuddling one morning in bed and her grabbing the camera. I remembered her holding it above us and snapping it quickly, but not wanting to show it to me. _'I look gross,'_ she said. Yeah, right. She looked amazing. Sexy, hooded eyes…still a little sleepy. Hair messy and splayed out around us. Her grin was mischievous, sultry. And I was smiling this goofy, stupid smile. Because I was happy.

So fucking happy. And now?

I set the picture on my desk…leaned back in my chair and just stared at it. Fuck, I had to get over this shit. I didn't know how much longer I could go without seeing her, holding her, touching her. And I feared the worst…that I'd lost her.

My phone alerted me to a text message and for a moment, I felt the flutter of butterflies in my stomach. A twinge of excitement that maybe, just maybe it was her. And then I made the mistake of looking at my phone. Motherfucking Victoria.

_Threatening people in a public place is a new low for you, gorgeous. We should talk. ;-) ~Victoria_

"What the fuck? How did she even get my…" I muttered under my breath. It didn't matter. I deleted the ridiculous message and tossed my phone on the desk, taking a moment to scowl at it. I'd be talking to her when monkeys sprouted wings and flew out of my own ass. Turning my attention back to the picture of Bella and me, I let out a defeated groan, scrubbing my face with the palms of my hands. _I should just call her. Just call her, for Christ's sake, and tell her this is stupid. I can get over this. I can. _Goddamn it, I needed her so much. Now, more than ever, I needed her with me. I needed her to help me keep my cool, keep my head on straight with all that was going on with Kendyll. Fuck, I still needed them to meet. But then a twinge of guilt hit me. Like she needed me putting her in the middle of even _more_ drama. Of course, then another little voice reminded me that part of the drama she was facing, she'd brought on herself; reminded me that she had, in essence, _lied_ to me for eleven fucking years.

I wanted to pull…my motherfucking…hair out.

My phone chirped at me again and I cursed Victoria under my breath. Because the psychotic bitch just couldn't take a hint, could she? But the conflict in my head didn't stop my hand from reaching instinctively for the offending object, and it didn't stop my eyes from looking at the screen with, I didn't know what the fuck…hope? Morbid curiosity?

_I miss you. It hurts. But what you did today… I just need…time? I don't know what I need. All I know is that I love you. So much, Edward. ~B_

My hand shook as I read it. Over and over again, I read it. My heart thudded against my chest and my eyes watered. She texted me. She actually texted me after what I'd done to her. She missed me. After what I put her through today…humiliated her…fucking hurt her. And she still loved me. She still loved me. _Goddamn it_, I loved her too. I didn't think she had an inkling of an idea how much. More than I could even fucking fathom. More than I wanted to. But now? Now, _she_ needed time?

This was so fucked up. Beyond belief fucked up and I had her. _Fuck,_ if I'd just not acted like such a tool today. If I could've just gotten my head together for five fucking minutes! If I could just get over the fact that she kept my _child_ from me for…

And now she needed _time_?

I snapped.

In that instant, I snapped. I forgot where I was and who I was. With a guttural roar, my arms flew across my desk, sending objects flying through my office. A couple pictures of Kellan, pens, papers, my coffee mug that said "Obstetrician: I see pregnant people" given to me by some patient, somewhere down the line, a metal sticky-note holder, a couple files, my business cards – knocked from their brushed nickel holder in my fury, even my prescription pads that had a cute little picture of a stork holding a bundle of joy. And finally, the picture of Bella and me. All of it ripped from their neat, peaceful places now ricocheting off the walls, landing with a thud – some quiet, some not so quiet – on the floor.

My chest heaved, my hands gripped fistfuls of my hair, my eyes clenched tightly shut, trying in vain to bring myself down to some semblance of control. "Fuck…fuck…_fuck!"_ I muttered when I finally opened my eyes and looked around at the chaos that was once my peaceful office. And without another word, I simply began picking items up with shaking hands. Ironically, the only thing that was broken was the picture that had captured my attention so raptly moments before. The glass was shattered, but still intact. No shards had come out of the frame, but the cracks splintered out from the middle. The lines cut through our once happy expressions, distorting our faces. And wasn't that just some perfect fucking symbolism? A knock at my office door had my head snapping to the left.

"Doctor Cullen, you—" Heidi poked her head in, only to gasp when she noted the disarray that was my office, "Oh my…_God_. Are you okay?" She slipped through the crack in the door she'd created and closed it quietly behind her, shaking her head. "You're not okay, are you?"

I held my hand up. "Heidi, I'm…fine. I just…" I trailed off, looking around. Anywhere but in her knowing eyes. I sighed. "I'm fine. Is there something… What is it?" _Oh shit. Your patient, dumb ass. _ "My, my patient's here?"

"No, no," she replied cautiously, approaching me like the mental fucking patient I was. "But you do have a visitor." I raised my eyebrows in question. She sighed. "Emmett is here."

"Ah, hell!" I blurted.

"Um, is that an 'ah hell, tell him to leave immediately?' Or an 'ah hell, I wasn't expecting him, but send him in anyway?'" she asked, still taking in the chaos of my office.

"Yeah…the second one. Goddamn it, what's he doing here?"

She sighed again. "I don't know, but I'll just…" She motioned toward the door. "I'm just gonna go get him. You sure you're okay? I mean, I can tell him…"

"No, Heids, it's fine. I've got this." And with that, she gave me a sympathetic smile, disappearing out the door almost as quickly as she'd come in. I was a lucky bastard to have someone like her I could trust. I knew she'd keep this little tantrum of mine under wraps, and for that I was incredibly grateful. Emmett on the other hand…

"Whoa! What the flying fuck-balls happened in here?" he bellowed as he swung my office door open. This motherfucker…

"Could you keep it down? Christ's sake," I muttered, glaring in his direction.

"Well _hello_ to you too, my good friend. But seriously, man. I mean, I know…for a pretty fucking positive fact…that we haven't had an earthquake in the grand city of Chicago for at _least_ a hundred years or so. But then again, I suppose there could be some crazy, scientific phenomenon where the earth fucking shakes and only _your_ office gets hit, right? I mean, I don't know, man, you tell me, you're the scientific one." I was just about to tell his Cheshire cat grinning face to fuck off when he added… "I know! _Poltergeist_ activity! You know, that shit can get down-right dangerous. You've seen the movie, right?" He shuddered…dramatically, like the asshole he was. "You should really get that shit checked out. I know a guy."

"Emmett!"

"What? What did I say?"

"You're an asshole."

He patted his chest. "Man, as always, I love you too."

I sighed, continuing to pick up the items I'd so gracefully strewn about my office, as Emmett took it upon himself to plop his ass down in one of my chairs. "What are you doing here? I have a patient coming in, like, now."

"You know, that hurts. Can a man not just come by to see his best friend, out of the blue, for no reason whatsoever, other than a little male-bonding time? You cut me deeply, bro." _Yeah, and I was the king of fucking Egypt._

"Nice try." I smirked, finally picking up the last wayward article and setting it in its rightful place back on my desk. I sat down in front of him and tented my fingers in front of my chin – yet another gesture I picked up from my father – and smirked again. Yeah, he was squirming a little. "What? You run out of condoms?" He shook his head, tsk'ing and shoving his tongue into the side of his cheek. "In need of a morning-after pill, there, Em?" His eyes widened a little, but he recovered and repeated the previous gesture, albeit a little less confidently. "Oh, holy shit!"

"What?" he jumped a little and I suppressed a laugh.

"You knocked her up, didn't you!" I cringed inwardly at my use of the phrase, but stifled it. "You got that poor girl pregnant with your Olympic, gold-medal winning sperm!" I was laughing so hard, I could barely catch my breath. And damn it, it felt good. Even if it was at Emmett's expense. But when I glanced up at him, between chortles, and noticed that the color had all but drained completely from his face, I stopped abruptly. Because, fuck, I was actually kidding. Until I saw the look on his face, and it seemed the great Emmett McCarty was shaken, I was kidding. That look, however, told me I was right.

I was right? Shit.

"Wait a minute, I'm right? She's…pregnant?" I leaned over my desk, whispering the last part like an old lady gossiping at church. His back stiffened. His eyes widened.

"What? _No!_ Christ, Edwina, don't even say shit like that!" He adjusted his Michigan hat, wiping his palms on his thighs and I eyed him skeptically. Because, yeah, this motherfucker looked nervous. It wasn't that I wanted to be right. Although, it would've been nice to have had the heat taken off my ass for a change. That being said, Emmett and the word 'daddy' in the same sentence kind of made me cringe. Especially since my specialty was, well, in _that_…and he was coming here to see _me_…and, just…_no. _Finally, his expression returned back to his regular douche-bag self and he smirked. "While I appreciate the compliment to my…" he said, waving toward his crotch, "boys, you are incorrect my brother."

"Well, then what? Something's up."

"Nah." He shrugged. "We just had a…ya know…we just may have had…I dunno…a little scare. That's all."

"Meaning?"

"Oh, for fuck's sake! She forgot she ran out of pills one night last week…she was supposed to start her…" he sighed, "_thing_ a few days ago, and she didn't until today, damn it! She's at the pharmacy. Getting her pills, dickhead."

"Thing? You mean period."

"Yeah, that. Whatever."

"Say it," I goaded.

"Say what?"

"Say _period_, Emmett."

"No."

"Why not? It's natural. Every woman has it. So say it."

"No. I don't have to."

"Please? Just say it for me?" I grinned. "I mean, how are you gonna be a father if you can't even say the words menstrual…_period_, Emmett?"

"I am _not _about to be a… Now you're just being an asshole. Fuck you."

"No thanks. It's obvious that you fuck without protection. I'm not that kinda girl, Em. You'd get me pregnant, and then leave me to run off and screw the next girl." I held a hand over my heart, holding back a belly laugh. "And you'd break this fragile heart of mine." He glared at me, so I continued. I was having fun with this one. "I can't believe you'd be so irresponsible, Emmett McCarty. You're a grown man, for shit's sake. Don't you know by now how to put a condom on? Tell ya what. Go home, find a banana. Of the smaller variety, preferably. It's real easy; you just roll it down from the top—"

"Hold the fuck on for a second." He leaned in, holding his fat palm up to stop me. "Are you…_preaching_…to _me?_ You. Preaching. To me." He let out a loud guffaw, which I was pretty sure the entire office had to have heard, and wiped at his eyes all dramatic and shit. "Can you say hypocrite? Given your circumstances as of late, Edwina, I'd have to say that's a pretty good stretch." He accentuated the 'ch' at the end of the word and popped his mouth open like the dick-weed that he was. Anger flashed through me and I glared at him, gritting my teeth in frustration. Because, yeah, and I didn't admit to this very fucking often, but he was right.

"Wait a minute!" He leaned in toward my desk, squinting at something on my lab coat. "What does that say? Doctor Hypocrite, M.D. OB-GYN? I thought so." He pointed his sausage-like finger toward my name tag and I slapped it away, pouting.

"Fuck off, Emmett."

"Man, you really take that _hypocritical _oath seriously, huh, Edwina?"

I almost laughed. Almost. "First of all, it's HippoCRATIC Oath, ya dumb-fuck," I snarled. He laughed. This motherfucker… "And secondly, I'm not being a hypocrite." I sighed and shrugged. "I paid my dues. I'm just trying to help your crazy ass out with a little advice. That's all."

"Yeah, yeah. Eat me." He started to spout off some other insult directed at me, I was sure, when his eyes drifted to my desk and the shattered picture of Bella and me. His face sobered, and he leaned back in the chair, with a slight grimace. "So, uh, you call her yet?"

_Oh fuck me sideways._ Like I wanted to have this conversation right now. I wanted the manly banter back. It was more fun. I bit my tongue before I lashed out at him for even asking, and ran a hand through my hair, gripping it to the point of pain. "Uh…no. But, I uh…" I let out a strained, humorless chuckle. "I kind of ran into her today. At the goddamned mall of all places. She was with Angela."

"Oh you did, did you?" He sounded a little excited, restrained, like he didn't want to push me too far, and raised an eyebrow. I nodded, avoiding his eyes. "So what happened? Did you talk? Are you guys…" He trailed off as I shook my head and stared above him at a paint blemish on the wall. "Then what, dude?"

The silence was deafening. And I tried, I tried with everything in me not to spill it all, but I couldn't fucking help it. I needed to get this shit out and I had my best friend sitting right across from me. Yes, said friend was a total Neanderthal fucktard most of the time, but he knew, deep down he knew what I was going through. So I let it all out.

"Ah, hell! I fucking manhandled her, Em! Saw her talking to that asshole, Riley fucking Biers, and I lost my mind. She wouldn't talk to me, so I grabbed her…pushed her into this alcove and…_shit_…I fucked up, man, I really…I fucked up." I took a breath, feeling a little bit relieved, and cringed before looking back at him. His face gave nothing away, but I should've known better.

Finally, he tipped his hat back and leaned forward. "When you say 'manhandled,' what exactly do you mean?"

_Well, shit a brick. Here it comes._

"Christ, I…I pushed her against the wall. Made her feel what the fuck she does to me. I…fucking attacked her, man!" I spat, scrubbing my face with the palms of my hand. Emmett's mouth was hanging open in shock at this point.

"You _what?"_

"What else do you want me to say, man? That I nearly fucked her against that wall? Because I did…nearly fuck her…against the goddamned wall! And now, oh _now_ she's texted me. Telling me she loves me, but she needs _time_." I growled deep in my throat. "So yeah, like I said. I. Screwed. Up!"

"Well, I'd say so," Captain fucking Obvious stated. "You know you're an asshole, right?"

"Gee, thanks," I snarled.

"You know you gotta make it up to her, right? And why in the holy hell was she talking to Riley Biers?"

"He asked her out…for _coffee_…because he's a little prick. Thank fuck she said no," I breathed. "And I'm TRYING! What do you think I'm—" Just then my desk phone beeped and Heidi's voice came through.

"Doctor Cullen, you have a call on line three."

I looked pointedly at Emmett and placed my finger over my lips, telling him to keep his damned mouth shut. He reciprocated by giving me the 'scout's honor' sign. _Riiiiight._

"Doctor Cullen speaking," I answered politely.

"Edward? It's Tanya." _Wow. _Wasn't expecting a call from her today, but I was actually glad to hear from her. She had my little girl…or my soon-to-be little girl, I hoped, and I was anxious to see if she knew anything my father didn't.

"Oh hey, Tanya!" I glanced up at Emmett, whose mouth had formed a very distinct 'O' and whose eyebrows had reached the top of his forehead. I furrowed my brow and shook my head, mouthing the word 'no' because I could almost see the wheels in his head working overtime, and the truth of the situation definitely wasn't what this idiot was thinking. "How's my…how's Kendyll?" That made Emmett furrow _his_ brow in confusion. I chuckled to myself. _Yeah, think real hard, buddy._

The deal was this: Kendyll was staying with Tanya and Garrett, temporarily. I had to hand it to her, though. Tanya had been nothing short of amazing for the past week and a half or so, and I wasn't sure if I would ever be able to make it up to her. The day I'd called her, naturally she had been hesitant. She virtually knew nothing of Kendyll or the situation, so I had recounted every excruciating detail to her. Seeing Kendyll at the pier…the wreck…her parents…Kendyll nearly dying in front of me…this unusual, instant connection I had to her. And of course, Tanya couldn't wrap her head around that connection. Hell, neither could I. I still couldn't, but it was there. It was fucking palpable. And I knew, in my heart of hearts, that it was never going away.

Tanya was unsure what I wanted from her at first. I mean, it was obvious to me, what with her connections in the field of social work and all, but she was in the business of helping abused women, she reminded me – which sent a stabbing pain right through my chest again thinking of Bella – not necessarily orphaned children. I asked her…begged was more like it…to just see what she could find out about any possible family services connections in Florida, next-of-kin, perhaps – which made me cringe – and what I needed to do to make this happen. And to make it as smooth and painless for Kendyll as I could. Once I put myself out there. Once I told Tanya I would do anything, and I meant anything, to keep Kendyll. She vowed to do everything in her power to help me.

And goddamn it if I didn't nearly break down on the phone right then.

The bad news came when Carlisle and I met up with her to sort out details, and she – like Carlisle – made it clear that I needed to get my own family business in order first. That the state would need it to be clear as a fucking bell that I was stable, that I would make my home Kendyll's home, and that I had no "baggage" so to speak. Needless to say, I freaked the hell out a little bit, because I definitely had some baggage. Baggage claim number one was in the way of a certain succubus and my quest to get sole custody of our son. And number two, I couldn't seem to stop beating the shit out of assholes. But I fucking digress. I made baggage claim number one a top priority, called my attorney the next day, and McGregor was working that shit up as we spoke. Oh, the succubus was going to throw a fit, one of epic proportions; that much I knew. But I'd cross that bridge over psychotic waters when I got there.

So, at the time, Kendyll was set to be released from the hospital in two days. I was fucked royally, unable to move her in immediately. I'll never forget the look on that little girl's face when I told her it would have to wait.

~*fOrSaKeN*~

"_But, Doctor Edward…I thought you said…did you change your mind? Y—you don't want me?" _

I sat next to her hospital bed, stroking her right arm gingerly, with Carlisle and Tanya looking on sadly. Despite their presence, she had her eyes trained on me. Bright, glimmering pools with tears perched on the bottom of her lids. And _God_, if her words didn't nearly buckle me. Fracture me from the inside out.

"_Oh, sweetheart, no. Of course I want you, Kendyll. I want you to be able to live with me and Kellan. Maybe Bella someday and her kids." Those words were out of my mouth before I could stop them, and I tried in vain to swallow the lump that formed in my throat because of them. "I want that so much, I can't even explain it. And I know it's so hard to understand, even for me, the smartest doctor alive." That earned me a small, watery smile. "It's so unfair, I know, but I have to make sure everything's perfect for you." I immediately wanted to punch myself for saying something so stupid. Of course, nothing would be perfect for her ever again. She'd lost her parents for Christ's sake! I sighed. "It's only temporary until I can get all the paperwork and everything all done. Do you understand?" _

With that, she nodded sadly, looking away from me like she'd been cast aside. _God_, I wanted to scoop her up in my arms and hold her tightly so that nothing and no one could ever hurt her. I wanted to tell her it was all bullshit; that she could do whatever she wanted, live wherever she wanted. If she chose to live with me, I was hers. I wanted to promise her a life full of love and free from worries. Free from nightmares and loss. Better yet, I wanted to tell her that her parents were fine. That they were coming to take her away from the hell she was living in and back to her home in Florida. Back to the life she knew and wanted. Not this…this life of uncertainty.

But I couldn't. And despite the fact that I'd only known this child for only weeks, it fucking killed me. It tore into my chest and gutted me. I knew better than to ask Carlisle to take her in. I knew he'd have done it in a heartbeat, if only to help me out, but I also knew he worked long, unpredictable hours at the hospital, like me. I knew that Esme had recently taken on the teaching job at the college and would most likely hold odd hours with that. She had always been there when I needed her for Kellan, but I expected that would change. Just when the situation felt as hopeless and bleak as it looked, Tanya said something I never expected to hear in a million years.

"_Kendyll?" She approached the little girl almost timidly. All heads snapped in Tanya's direction. "I know we only just met, but you know I'm friends with Doctor Edward and Doctor Carlisle, right?" Kendyll nodded again. Her eyes seemed wary of what Tanya might say next. "Well, I was just thinking. I'm at home all day and Garrett works pretty regular hours, not that it matters, really. But, well, I just thought maybe you could stay with me." Kendyll's eyes widened in I wasn't sure what. Surprise? Horror? Elation? Her emotions were hard to read, but Tanya jumped in again quickly. "Just until, like Edward said, things get worked out? I…have a little girl. Her name is Journey and I bet she'd love to meet you and have you stay with us." I saw softness return to Kendyll's brilliant aqua eyes and my heart fluttered. "She's only five, but I bet you'd be a great friend to her. What do you say, Kendyll? I'll have to call your social worker and make arrangements, but I promise, I'll make them do it really quick. And I also promise you could see Edward and Carlisle any time you want to." _

I couldn't believe it. I almost fell out of the flimsy chair I was perched in as my mouth fell open in surprise…amazement. I didn't know what to do. Wasn't sure if I wanted to grab Tanya and hug the shit out of her for being so unabashedly selfless, or freak the hell out that she might end up wanting to keep her in the end. Then again, who was I but the selfish bastard that felt Kendyll belonged with me because we had some sort of otherworldly bond? It took Kendyll a few moments to process, but finally she agreed, nodding her head and flashing a brilliant, teary-eyed smile. And my God, it was the most beautiful thing I'd seen since – my chest ached again – _Bella. _

In the days that followed, Tanya worked tirelessly trying to find out information with her connections. Information that Carlisle and I couldn't seem to get our hands on either. Christ, it was like the kid had been in the fucking witness protection program or something. Kendyll was settling in nicely with Tanya, Garrett and Journey from what she told me when I went to see her…daily. And despite his initial shock, Garrett didn't seem too put out by the arrangement in which he had no control over. Tanya kept me posted on her condition, which amounted mainly to being fatigued, and it was assumed that fatigue was the result of sleepless nights filled with nightmares and Kendyll's screams for her dead parents. _Goddamn it_, I'd never felt so helpless in my life.

To my chagrin, however, Tanya wasn't getting much farther than Carlisle had with the goddamned state of Florida. I literally felt like we were on the losing end of a wild fucking goose chase that was never ending.

~*fOrSaKeN*~

Back in the present, I continued my interrogation of Tanya on the phone. "Is she sleeping? How is she feeling today? Did you talk to anyone that knows their ass from a hole in the ground?"

She sighed and laughed slightly. "Slow down, Edward, before I have to get out a pen and paper to keep all your questions straight." I chuckled my apology and she continued. "She's really lethargic today, and I've hardly gotten her to eat anything at all." I gripped the phone tightly, not liking the sound of that at all. "Every time I push food on her, she just says she feels full already. And she's complaining of her stomach hurting a lot. She's a little pale. Do you think maybe she might have picked up a bug or something?"

"Well, people pick things up from being in the hospital all the time. Is she running a fever?" I had no idea why I was feeling so uneasy. If it was a bug of some sort, flu perhaps, it was easily treatable. Although, her immune system had to be weak enough as it was. Besides, the poor thing was under so much stress and after what she'd gone through, I could imagine she was utterly exhausted both mentally and physically. Tanya responded that Kendyll wasn't feverish from what she'd been able to determine, but I wanted to see her for myself. "I'll come by in a while and check her out," I answered quickly. Tanya hesitated before responding, and a twinge of panic set in. For what reason, I had no idea.

"Well…I, uh, I actually already made her an appointment. I'm taking her to see Doctor O'Neal here in a few minutes. I just wanted to give you a heads up." I groaned inwardly. Damned Lydia O'Neal. She was a thorn in my side now more than ever. But she took good care of Kendyll as far as I knew, so I tried not to be an asshole about it. "Do you want us to stop by after?"

My answer was without hesitation an absolute 'hell yes, I do.' I didn't expect my appointment to last too long, and the one after that wasn't for a couple hours. "Did you find out anything about the medical records?" I asked, praying that she had.

"Actually, yes," she began. Excitement flooded me…until she continued. "But only that the records are sealed. I had the social worker assigned to her here fax down a request to have them sent to us immediately." _Well, fucking great. And the wild goose chase continues._ "But I did have a missed call from the family services office in Florida a little while ago. I was tending to the girls…more like, fixing a feast for the girls and begging Kendyll to eat…when the call came in, so that's why I missed it. But, I plan on calling them back as soon as I get back from the doctor's office.

I had to take a second to reflect on just how amazing this woman I was talking to was. I was in awe of her…total, platonic awe, but awe nonetheless. "Okay, but you'll let me know what you find? And you'll let me know what Doctor O'Neal says?" I pleaded. "Secretly, of course. I don't need that woman crawling up my ass about HIPPA laws and bullshit of the like."

She laughed. "Of course…on both accounts. Here, let me put you on the phone with your girl real quick before we leave." My fucking stomach flipped a little at her use of the phrase _my girl._ It was both a blessing and a curse nowadays, seeing as though I thought of Bella as my girl also. But then again, she wasn't at the moment, was she?

Still, I couldn't help the stupid grin that spread across my face when Kendyll's sweet voice came through. She did sound tired, so we didn't talk long. I chided her as gently as I could about not eating, and she giggled, teasing me about worrying so much. Such an old soul in her little body. I'd all but forgotten Emmett was still here when his gruff voice-clearing startled me. I told her I'd see her later and laughed when she squealed in delight before I ended the call and looked up to meet Emmett's questioning gaze.

"What?" I asked, feigning nonchalance.

"You wanna tell me what the sam-motherfucking hell that was all about?"

"Hey, watch your fucking language in my office, McCarty." I grinned. His answer was only to smirk at me and raise his eyebrows expectantly.

I huffed. "Fine. I'm trying to adopt her," I answered simply. Then braced myself for the battery of insults and 'what the fucks.'

"Who? Tanya?" My idiot friend chuckled. "Man, I don't think Garrett's gonna appreciate that shit." This motherfucker…

"Har-har, dick. Kendyll, not Tanya." Aaaaand that was when the 'what the fucks' came. I listened to him as he found new and exciting ways to ask me if I'd lost my mind. Then I watched him as he roamed around my office pretending to actually _look_ for my 'missing brain cells' as he called it. Until it hit me that the master and commander of the information super highway was right in front of me.

"Emmett, sit the fuck down, would ya?" I demanded.

"Wait a minute, I think I found one!" he yelled from the corner of the room. Ass in the air, face studying the carpet below him. I sighed heavily. "Oh, nope, never mind." The asshat stood up, pinching God-knew-what between his thumb and forefinger. "Just a donut crumb." He actually studied it…_studied_ the goddamned thing. "Glazed?" And I scowled at him. "That's pretty fucking gross, by the way. This is a hospital. Aren't you people supposed to be cleaner than Nicci's Brazilian wax job?" He licked his lips, wagging his eyebrows. I ignored him and the information I did not want to know about his girlfriend.

"I need you to look into something for me…"

"Jesus Christ, Edwina! Who do you think I am exactly, the CIA? I'm not even _in _the military anymore, bro. This shit isn't gonna be easy." His diatribe was the result of my asking him to see if he could crack into the state of Florida's system. Not only that, but since he would be snooping around in that area of the globe, via his mad internet hacking abilities, I threw in that maybe…possibly he could see if he could track down a certain adopted child from one, Isabella Swan.

"I have faith in you, my friend." I smiled, showing all my teeth as he shook his head at me, muttering something about psych wards.

"Well the first one is gonna be hard enough, but I think you really need to be talking to _Bella_ about…" he circled his finger in my direction. "…that other shit. I don't want to get involved, dude." He might as well have punched me in the gut on that one. I gritted my teeth and smiled again, clasping my hands in front of me.

"Come on, man, please?" Christ, now I was begging him like a damned dog. This was sad on so many levels.

"Fuck," he muttered, pulling his ball cap off and scrubbing his head. "You know, I really think you need a lobotomy, man. Call Bella. Right now."

I stared at him, opening and closing my mouth several times like a fish out of water. He stared back, determined to break me. _Fuck. _Suddenly, my desk phone beeped again and Heidi's voice floated through my office.

"Doctor Cullen, Denise Connelly is on her way in, but she's in labor." _What?_ "Her water broke about a half hour ago. Contractions are ten to twelve minutes apart. This might be a lengthy one."

I thanked her and when she hung up, turned to scoff at Emmett. "Ha! Saved by the amniotic sac!"

"What the fuck…gross, man!"

I laughed, striding past him to open my office door and wave him out. As he passed me, I all but hollered behind him. "Make sure and let me know what you find out, Mr. McCarty! Oh, and don't forget what I said about those condoms. Remember, try the banana technique. Real simple!"

His response was the double-fisted bird, followed by muffed giggles from the nurses' station.

~*fOrSaKeN*~

Oh holy hell, I _knew_ I recognized that woman's name when Heidi mentioned it. Denise. The lady whose tiny daughter I nearly plowed over on the Navy Pier the day I saw Kendyll for the first time. Happy and enjoying the scenery with her very alive parents. The same lady who ogled me while she waited for her husband to park the car. Lucky for me, she was in too much pain to acknowledge that fact and, twelve hours later, I was exhausted, mainly from lack of sleep. She was too, but the giddiness had taken over, and she and the family were now doting over their perfectly healthy, quite large, bouncing baby boy…whom she conspicuously named 'Cullen Connelly.' Apparently her husband was too captured by the fact that he had a son to notice, but it didn't escape Heidi, who gave me a sideways glance when Denise announced it.

I was glad, however, that I'd gotten a chance to meet up with Tanya and Kendyll in between stages of labor. Kendyll looked, in a word, ill. And I tried my best not to show how much that shit worried the hell out of me. Tanya kept her word, though, and informed me that Lydia had said it didn't look too serious, maybe a slight infection. Even though Kendyll had only been running a low-grade fever, she was given a prescription for an antibiotic to nip it in the bud. I only prayed the little thing wouldn't be allergic to it…since we had no goddamned idea what she was allergic to. I cursed the state of Florida again silently. I gave Kendyll, whose eyes lit up when she saw me despite her not feeling well, a gentle hug and a kiss on the cheek, and told her she _had_ to take all that medicine, to which she rolled her eyes and responded with a sarcastic, 'duh.' She made me laugh in spite of myself, that precious girl.

To my utter surprise, my father ran into me later in the night, looking anxious and saying that he needed to speak to me. It made my stomach recoil with worry. I really hated it when he said shit like that. But because we were nearing the end stage of Denise's labor, he simply told me to find him after. That was where I was headed now, with anxiety and apprehension creeping their way up and down my tired spine.

"Sit down, son." He motioned in front of him. I did as he asked and waited with bated breath for him to divulge what he knew. He tented his hands under his chin and then pinched his bottom lip, eyeing me.

"Well…" I said impatiently, "what is it?"

"I tried to tell you before you hung up on me earlier that Tanya might have information. She called me back while you were working tonight."

My stomach clenched, breathing sped up a little. He knew something, something important. I knew this by the way he was studying me so carefully. "And?" I asked emphatically.

"It seems that she had missed a call earlier today from an assistant to the administrator of Family Services in Florida. She couldn't take the call because—"

"Carlisle!" I interrupted. "I already know _why_ she couldn't take the call. What. Do you. Know?"

He sighed, rubbed his temples with his fore and middle fingers, and placed his hands calmly in front of him. I, on the other hand, was squirming like a whore in church. "It would appear that the reason we haven't been able to get any pertinent information on Kendyll is because some of her birth and medical records have been tied up in an adoption agency."

I leaned forward, gripping his desk, and furrowed my brow. "Come again? Adoption agency?" I asked, trying to get a grip on just what the actual fuck he was saying.

"Yes. It would appear…" _God_, he was so diplomatic and politically correct, it made my skin twitchy. "…that Bree and Joseph Tanner were not her birth parents."

I sat back in the chair, releasing a harsh breath. "Well I'll be a son-of-a…" This was fucking interesting. No wonder we had a connection!

"Edward?"

She was just like me. Adopted. But at what age? Did she know her birth parents like I knew my birth mother? Albeit, I barely remembered the woman. But I wondered how much Kendyll did. I suddenly had so many questions I didn't know where to start. So what did this mean? Were we in the clear as far as next of kin? I mean, obviously, they weren't finding any relatives of the Tanners to take her. This had to be good news, right?

"Son?"

I couldn't wait to see her. To tell her she was just like me. That we were members of a club that was elite and wonderful, and that I couldn't wait to make her mine, just like her parents had when they adopted her. _Christ_, I was getting ahead of myself, though. What if she didn't know? What if she panicked and thought something was wrong with her…that her birth parents had given her up and now, she'd been tossed aside once again, even though it wasn't because her adoptive parents had given up on her.

"Edward?"

"Hmm?" I replied, staring off into space and deep in thought.

"Tell me what you're thinking, son."

"I have…so many questions, Dad," I muttered. "I mean, she's just like me, ya know? Adopted…wow." I finally looked at my father, who seemed, oddly, to breathe a sigh of relief. "So, what does this mean? Does this mean we're in the clear for adoption? I mean, obviously there's no next of kin. The poor kid has no one claiming her. What the hell could possibly hold us up now?"

"I think you're getting ahead of yourself, Edward." _You don't say. _He ran a hand through his sculpted blonde hair and looked at me. "The state of Florida still has to release her as a ward, if you will, to the state of Illinois. We'll need her birth certificate, and other important documentation to give us clearance to pursue this. Apparently the social worker that had been tracking her case is buried under a mountain of paperwork, so he's agreed to allow Tanya's contact up here to take over."

"Well that's good, right?" I asked. Hope swelled in my chest.

"Yes, but…and I'm not saying this is the case at all, Edward, but if it was an open adoption…which we have no idea of knowing anything right now…then there's a possibility that they could try and contact the birth mother."

All right, suffice it to say, at that particular moment, I freaked the fuck out a little.

"What the fuck? Why?" I looked at him incredulously, forgetting the fact that I knew precisely what he was saying. "They gave her UP, Carlisle! This shouldn't even be a goddamned issue! How could they possibly go back to a woman who discarded her? To what? See if she finally WANTS her daughter?"

Carlisle sighed again, sitting up straighter in his chair, but looking worn out. I felt a slight pang of guilt for being so harsh. "Son, you know that even though she gave the child up, it doesn't necessarily mean she relinquished all her rights. Calm down. Watch your language in here and pull it together!"

Fuck. He was right, of course. I muttered an apology before asking, "So we basically know squat." He nodded. "Not even Kendyll's age at adoption?" He shook his head, pursing his lips in thought.

"No, and this could take months, Edward, to get all the information. Are you prepared for that?" I looked at him in disbelief and he nodded. "Okay then. You know I'll keep you posted, son."

I nodded in return. "And you know I'll bug the hell out of you if you don't."

~*fOrSaKeN*~

I called Tanya the next day. Anxious both to see if she knew more than Carlisle was letting on, and to talk to Kendyll again. I hated that she wasn't able to stay with me and God only knew when that would be. Or even her staying with Carlisle and Esme would have been better for me because, to be perfectly honest, going over to Tanya and Garrett's all the time to see her was just weird.

Of course, my excitement was deflated when Tanya told me essentially exactly what Carlisle had said. That the social worker here in Chicago – whose name I didn't even know, which kind of annoyed the shit out of me – was working 'around the clock' to get the paperwork needed to release Kendyll from the state of Florida's grasp. The only thing that helped ease my angst was that, when I asked her what the chances were of this birth mother turning up and taking custody, even if it had been an open adoption, she said probably slim to none. More than likely, she mollified me, the birth mother had given up her rights long ago, or whenever the adoption took place. But there was so much we didn't know. To make matters worse, I didn't get to speak to Kendyll as she was exhausted and sleeping after a long, up and down night, according to Tanya. Cue my worry and more anxiety. All of it was eating at me, day in and day out, among other things.

What's more, after the many phone calls and messages I left for my attorney, I was informed that the paperwork regarding Kellan and the succubus would take longer than anticipated due to the fucking holidays coming up in less than a week and a half.

_Christmas._ I didn't want to deal with it and all the 'holiday cheer' it encompassed. I was a sad sack of shit thinking about all I didn't have, when I should've been thinking about the good in my life. That was the way my parents had raised me anyway. Instead, I spent countless hours staring at the bag holding Bella's gifts and thinking about the day Alice snuck the kids away to meet me for a very entertaining shopping excursion as only Bella's twins could provide. I never did text her back. I wanted to. _God_ did I want to, but I decided to grant her the space she had requested.

And it was killing me.

Kellan was _supposed_ to spend the week before Christmas with his mother. I hadn't heard a peep from her in a few days, which was highly unusual when it came to the succubus. But when I received a phone call one day at the hospital from my mother wanting to discuss dinner plans and the like for Christmas day, I heard my son chattering in the background, and I figured out why. According to Esme, my boy had been over there almost daily. _Daily._ Because the succubus had – not called me, _oh no_ – called my mother to keep him so that she could, and I fucking quote, "finish up her Christmas shopping since she'd had hardly any time with her heavy work schedule." Her work schedule.

_Riiiight._

More like her inability to focus on anything or anyone other than herself. Not only that, but I knew in that instant she was still seeing that piece of shit, James. Obviously because of my threats, she wanted to keep it under wraps. The problem for her, however, was that I knew how those meager wheels in her head worked. This newfound information made me even more fucking furious that I couldn't slap her with a custody suit sooner.

Less than a week before Christmas, and I was no closer to the peace within myself I needed than day one.

So, when Emmett called me and insisted – in the gentle way that was only Emmett – that I meet with him and Jazz at the pub tonight, I got a little excited. Hopeful, because, let's face it, I was getting desperate.

I sat down at the corner booth in the back of Taylor's pub, where my two friends were eyeing me suspiciously. No doubt they were wondering what kind of new dramatic bullshit was happening in my life and I, on the other hand, was wondering what the hell possessed them to call this 'very important' meeting of sorts. Of course, I was interested in some information Emmett should've had for me, so I was hoping that was what this shit was about. On the other hand, when it came to these two lunatics, nothing surprised me anymore. They both took a sip of their giant beers – hopefully of the non-hallucinatory variety – and glanced at each other as I sat down.

"Where's mine?" I asked sarcastically, shrugging off my coat. Emmett whistled toward the bar, getting the attention of the bartender.

"Yo, man, we need a tall glass of ass for Edwina over here!"

"One tall Heine, coming up!" The bartender retorted with a chuckle. I, on the other hand, glared at Emmett, trying to figure out why I was still friends with this motherfucker.

Jazz cleared his throat. "Well, we would've ordered for you sooner, man, but you've been a little unpredictable lately," he said with a smirk. "So we thought we'd wait 'til you showed your pretty face tonight. So what's happening with you, Ed? I hear you're in the business of adoption these days."

I gave him a sarcastic smile and then cut my eyes to Emmett. Because, really? Was _nothing_ sacred these days? "Yep," I retorted, popping the 'p.' You gonna tell me how crazy I am too?" His face showed the slightest hint of hurt, and of course I suddenly felt like an asshole. It was no secret that I hadn't talked to or seen Jasper in a while, and I felt bad for that. True, Emmett was dating someone affiliated with Bella, but Jazz was different. He was with her _sister_, whom Bella was – no doubt – confiding in every day. It was too fucking much for me to deal with, knowing he probably knew more about my…about her than I did.

"Nah, man. I think it's awesome," Jasper replied in his southern drawl, picking up his beer and tipping it toward me before taking a long draw of it. He set it down on the table and sighed. "You tell Bella yet?"

_Ah hell. _"No. I, uh, I haven't talked to her in a…while."

"_Still?_ Fuck's sake, Edwina! What are you waiting for? Jesus Christ himself to come down and hold your hand? Walk you to her doorstep or dial the phone for you?" For the love of…Emmett was like a freight train plowing through a nuclear power plant. I glared at him, feeling a growl bubbling up my throat, and clenched my hands into fists.

"Come on, dude." Jasper shook his head at Emmett. "Cut him some slack." Emmett mumbled under his breath something to the effect of 'ridiculous' and 'idiot,' while Jasper turned back to me. "How long's it been?"

"Too fucking long," Emmett muttered again under his breath.

"You better shut the fuck up!" I bit out, which only resulted in him rolling his eyes at me. The ass. I looked back at Jasper, who raised his eyebrows expectantly.

I sighed. "Eighteen days, sixteen hours and twenty-seven _fucking_ minutes. But who's counting, right?" Jazz shook his head sadly and opened his mouth to speak – Emmett's was hanging open in shock – but I stopped him. "I don't want to talk about this shit right now. Emmett, do you have some information for me?" The both of them looked at each other briefly. Emmett slid his beer to the side and clasped his hands in front of him, leveling his eyes on me.

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about, Edward." His tone was suddenly serious and my stomach flipped inside my body. "Afraid I've got bad news." Perfect. "That shit on Kendyll is locked up so tight it makes Fort Knox look like Disneyland. I can't get into it. At all, dude."

"So what? So, you're just going to give up on it?" He threw his hands up, looking at me like I'd just started speaking in tongues. "Shit," I muttered. "Well…what about the other?"

"Yeah, about that," he began, making my chest tighten in anticipation. "I've decided…" Jasper cleared his throat suddenly and Emmett stopped for a second before holding his palm up toward Jazz, still looking at me. "Excuse me. Sorry, Jazz-man. _We…_have decided," he waved his hand between the two of them. "After a very lengthy conversation which may or may not have included shots of our good buddies Jimmy Beam and Jack D, that _that_ ambiguously fucked up business is not something _we_…" he cut his eyes to Jasper again, "want to get involved in."

"Say what?" I asked incredulously.

Emmett opened his mouth to respond, but Jasper stopped him. "Let me take this one, Em." Then he turned to me, looking at me like I was a goddamned mental patient. "What Em here is trying to say, Edward, is that we feel awkward." He looked at Emmett. "Awkward?" Emmett nodded emphatically, muttering 'awkward, definitely awkward,' and I suddenly felt like I was in the fucking Twilight Zone. What was _with_ these two? "The reason we called you here tonight is because we feel _awkward_ involving ourselves in this when the only person you should be asking about this…trying to find information, or even the kid, if you want, is Bella. Therefore, you should definitely get on the horn to the girl we all know you'd take a bullet for A-S-A-P. And Emmett, here," he clapped him on the shoulder, "is gonna take a step back."

Alright, _what the fuck?_ I felt heat creeping up my neck. I tipped my head from side to side slowly, trying to ease the tension, and trying to calm down a little. Because this was about to get ugly.

"So, what is this? Some sort of fucking intervention or something?" I blurted.

"Yep," Emmett snapped, popping the 'p' and smirking at me. My jaw clenched reflexively.

"Of sorts," Jasper said in the weirdest, cross between soothing and creepy voice I'd ever heard from him. "Now, we don't want you to feel pressured, but at this point, we feel we know what's best for you. This is your future, man!"

Okay, at that point, I couldn't hold it in any longer. I laughed. Hard. And loud. A little hysterically. Because seriously? Dr. Seuss and Dr. Phil-wannabe were trying to force an intervention on me? Both sets of eyes widened and Emmett shook his head, defeated as Jasper leaned back against the booth in a huff and cocked his head toward Em.

"I told you this shit wasn't gonna work, man!" he whined. I laughed some more because…these idiots…

"So, let me get his straight," I muttered between chortles. "You two clowns got your heads together and thought you'd bring me to a public place," I waved my hands around. "Refuse to help me and force me to call Bella. And you thought I was just gonna bend over and let you ram it up my ass?" I had to lay my head on the table. I was fucking laughing too hard to hold it up anymore.

"Pretty much," Jasper grumbled. "Well, except for that last part. Keep your ass away from me." I just shook my head and took a few pulls from my Heineken.

"This is all fine and dandy, Edwina," Emmett cut in. "But we _aren't_ going to help you, and you _do_ need to call Bella."

"I know!" I palmed my forehead, grinding the heel of my hand into it. "But she said she wanted some time. And I've been trying to give it to her, goddamn it! What am I supposed to do?"

"Oh hell! She doesn't want time, moron. She wants _you_."

I snapped my head up, glaring at Emmett. "How the fuck do you know that? You didn't see her that day, Em. I told you I fucked up."

"Would you just trust me for once in your mentally challenged life? I know, dude."

I looked from him to Jasper and back again. Jasper nodded along with Emmett. "You know, I know too," he added.

"Ah hell." I slammed by back into the booth with a thud.

"So, ya gonna cal her?" Jasper asked, hopeful.

"I dunno, man, maybe. I'll think about it."

Emmett smacked his palm on the table. "Oh for fuck's sake! Yo, get us another round over here!" he called to the bartender. "Seems this idiot has a lot of _thinking_ to do!"

Truth was, I didn't have to think about it at all. My fingers twitched every time I thought of her, I wanted to call her so damned badly. If I was being honest with myself, I was terrified she was going to reject me after the things I'd said to her…and after the fucking mall incident. I was pussing out at every turn and honestly, I was starting to make myself sick. I knew the guys were getting more and more annoyed with me for not calling. New Year's Eve was coming up and they wanted us back together so there'd be no awkwardness to deal with. _Screw them. _Like I was basing my life decisions on their opinions.

For days, I contemplated it. To call her or not to call her. _That_ was the goddamned question. I tossed it back and forth and up and down inside my skull, not coming up with anything incredibly earth-shattering to say to her to make her want me. _Forgive me for being a fucking idiot? I'm sorry? I love you? _Nothing sounded good enough. It was inevitable, though. I knew I would call her, or at least go to her. There was no way I was going to be able to hold out for much longer. I just needed a little push, nudge in that direction. And, oh, did I get it. A hard shove, actually, that knocked me right on my ass. Interestingly enough, I was having trouble figuring out whether it was the thing of nightmares, or a blessing in disguise.

Two days before Christmas, and Kellan and I were watching a marathon of 'Rob and Big' on MTV. I'd caught him watching it, sprawled out on the sofa with a bag of cheese curls and I couldn't help myself. The cheese curls were calling to me. That and I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. Okay and yeah, it made me think of Bella…when she told Kellan that she loved the show.

Everything was Bella. I couldn't escape it. Not that I wanted to.

Kel squawked at first, not wanting to share the cheesy goodness, but when I reminded him that Santa Claus was watching his punk-ass, he cooled his jets. The show was funny. The dog, 'Meaty' or something, was cracking me up, and Kellen inevitably begged me for a fat bulldog, to which I responded with a resounding _hell_ no. And I was genuinely having a good time with my son, dreading the next day, Christmas Eve, when I'd have to take him to the succubus' house for the night.

When my phone vibrated in my pocket, I assumed it was my mother, no doubt securing plans for the feast she was planning the day after next. I didn't recognize the number, however, answering anyway in the hopes that I'd struck gold and it was McGregor, calling to tell me shit was in order. But then, I panicked a little, praying no one was in labor. No one was _scheduled _to be in labor, but in my line of work, unpredictability was the only constant. Turned out it was neither.

"Edward Cullen?"

"Yes."

"Edward Masen Cullen?" The voice sounded a little too official, and to be honest, it scared the shit out of me…a little.

"Uh, yes," I replied tentatively. I heard some muffled mumbling on the other end of the line and briefly wondered what that was about.

"Edward, this is _Chief_ Charlie Swan. You might not remember me, but unfortunately I remember you, and I think we need to have a little talk."

_Oh holy…fuck me in the ass sideways with a cattle prod! _This, I was _so_ not expecting. My palms began to sweat. My heart started racing, and all of a goddamned sudden, I was standing back on his doorstep, eleven years ago, with a military-issued rifle pointed straight at my forehead.

"Uh, y—yes sir," I stammered.

"It would seem, _Edward_," he said my name like it disgusted him, as I was more that positive it did. "That my little girl is unhappy. Would you agree?"

Did I say fuck me? Because…_fuck me._

"I don't really know, sir. I assume we're not talking about Alice here." Yeah, that was a bad move. That was the kind of idiocy you just didn't present to a man you were terrified of. And I wasn't too much of an asshole to admit that this man had my balls in a fucking vice grip.

"Don't get cute, boy, if you know what's good for you." His voice was cold steel, and damn it, I shuddered.

"I'm sorry, sir."

"You like to hunt, Edward? 'Cause, I like to hunt." _Weird change of subject, but okay._

"Not really, sir. I'm not really into the whole hunt—"

"Oh, it's great fun," he interrupted. "Deer…turkey, whatever the season, I enjoy strapping on my gun and just finding something to shoot." Damn it if I didn't shudder again. "You know what I enjoy hunting even more than those two animals, Edward?"

"What's that, sir?" At this point, I was pretty sure I was shaking like a bitch.

"Assholes who break my baby girls' hearts."

_Shiiiiiiiit._

"Uh, y—yes, sir. I understand, sir."

"I'm not sure you do. The way I see it, you've got a couple options here. Option number one is: you make this right with my Bella…and you could do that one of two ways…give her the life she deserves, or grovel like the punk ass you are and then leave her alone forever. If not, well, I guess there's always option two. I could take you on a little hunting trip. Me, you, middle of nowhere, and my Remington twelve-gauge. Hell, I'd even give you a head start." He chuckled to himself. Fuck. Now he was threatening to kill me donning camo and a shotgun. I suddenly felt like I was talking to Sergeant Hartman in Full Metal Jacket. This was not going well. At all. I sucked in a deep breath.

"I don't think that'll be necessary, sir." My voice shook a little, and I suddenly felt like taking his twelve-gauge and shooting myself with it. "I don't think you understand how much I lo— uh, care about her."

He grumbled inaudibly again. "Apparently, neither does she, _Edward_. I suggest you do something about it, then. Enough of this bullshit. I hate to admit this to you of all people, but she's miserable right now." He paused. "And that's _your_ fault. You understand me?"

"Yes sir. Absolutely, sir. I was…planning to…go see her…uh, tomorrow, maybe?"

"Why the hell are you asking me, boy? Can't you make a decision for yourself?"

_God, _I was such a fucking pussy, it was sad. I was afraid to feel my crotch, lest my balls had crawled up into my abdomen and gone into hiding. "Y—yes, sir. Do you know if she has plans tomorrow night?"

He sighed, responding in an aggravated tone. "Her mother's in town. I don't know where she'll be. But it would be in your best interest to find out, eh?"

"Absolutely, sir."

"I don't want to have this conversation again. Understood?"

"Yes sir. Never again. Bye, sir." I hung up the phone and dropped my face into my hands, scrubbing…trying to get rid of the pussy in me, apparently. I'd forgotten for a split second that I wasn't alone until I heard Kellan giggling and looked over to see him rolling around on the couch.

"Who was that?" Kellan asked, his mouth full of cheese curls. He swallowed, but before I could answer, he continued. "_Yes, sir…no sir…I'm sorry, sir,"_ he continued to giggle. "You sounded like a total dork, Dad!" This little shit…

I bent down to his eye level and smiled, resigned. "That, little man, was someone I didn't know I needed to hear from desperately, and someone who just helped me make a very important decision. One I hope will work out for me…and for you. That was Bella's dad."

He quirked an eyebrow. "Did he give you a butt-whippin' over the phone?" I laughed and nodded. "So, you gonna go see her?" His eyes were bright, hopeful. I was amazed at how much he liked her.

I nodded. "Yes, buddy, I sure am." He nodded his approval and I took a deep, cleansing breath. "Hey, I want to talk to you about something. You know how sometimes gifts come in very special packages?" He nodded, but looked a little confused. "Well, I need to talk to you about a very important gift, little man. I need to talk to you about Kendyll."

~*fOrSaKeN*~

_**Chapter end notes: As always, thanks so much for reading! Just a quick note that I'm no longer on Twitter (at least for the time being). I have also deactivated my "Wickedcb" Facebook account and am now solely using my RL page. You can find the link on my profile page. I would LOVE it if anyone who's interested would friend-request me on there. Make sure and let me know who you are because I have to be a little cautious on the RL account. Also, I'd like to take a bit of a survey to see who, if anyone, would be interested in me making a group specifically for my fanfic stories…updated announcements, teasers, pics, etc. A place to discuss with each other, or me, or just rant about my characters. Lol. Those interested, please let me know and I'd be happy to create one if there's enough people. **_

_**Peace out until next time! And again, thanks so much for sticking with me. XOXOXO **_


	57. Chapter 53, Hold On

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past  
**Chapter 53, Hold On

_**A/N: Dual POV chapter, hence the song "Duet." It's fabulous. Ray's voice makes me all tingly every time I hear it. To those of you sticking it out with me and reviewing, you give me a reason to write. Thank you. To those that joined my Facebook group, 'Stories with a WickedCurveBall,' mad love from me to you. **_

_**My betas are the cream in my Oreos. They make my craziness so much better to ingest. **_

_**I do not own the Twilight characters, nor do I own the songs used in this fic. But I hope you enjoy the twisted roller coaster ride I've created. Remember to keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times until it comes to a full and complete stop. The crazy plot below, I do own. So please respect.**_

_**Songs: Duet ~ Rachel Yamagata and Ray LaMontagne  
Best In Me~ Sent By Ravens**_

~*fOrSaKeN*~

"_Oh lover, hold on. 'Til I come back again.  
For these arms are growing tired and my tales are wearing thin,  
If you're patient, I will surprise,  
And when you wake up, I'll have come.  
All the anger will settle dawn, and we'll go do all the things we should have done._

'_Cause I remember what we said, as we lay down to bed,  
I'll be here if you will only come back home_

_Oh lover, I'm lost. Because the road I've chosen beckons me away.  
Oh lover, I've done you wrong.  
And now I'm fighting words I never thought I'd say._

_But I remember what we said as we lay down to bed,  
I'll forgive you all if you'll just come back home._

_Oh lover, I know. You'll be out there and be thinking just of me.  
I will find you down the road.  
And we'll return back home to where we're meant to be._

'_Cause I remember what we said as we lay down to bed,  
We'll be back as soon as we make history."_

~*fOrSaKeN*~

_~Bella~_

I loved my mom.

I really did.

With every ounce of my soul. But the woman was driving me completely insane. Between her and the twins, her constant checking on me and the constant begging to open 'just one present, Mommy, please!' I was almost willing to call the men in white coats myself to come and take me away.

I should've kept my mouth shut. I mean, she would've found out about Jacob and me sooner or later, I was sure, but the whole thing with Edward, the baby – or lack thereof – the fight between Edward and Jake, and so on and so forth. All that, I should've kept to myself. But I didn't. There were, however, a couple of things I didn't tell my mother; one of which I kept from everyone.

I didn't tell her the extent of what Jake actually did to me. The way he put his hands on me. The fact that he almost raped me. I told her he'd gotten physical and that I wasn't going to put up with it. That was really all I needed to wanted to kick his ass based on just that. I also neglected to mention that Jacob had a psycho maniac stalking me and that Jake had plotted to bring the same whore back who Edward had cheated on me with in order to make history repeat itself. If I had, poor Renee's head would have probably popped like a needle piercing a balloon.

And the text, that was the thing I didn't tell anyone about. Not my sister...not even Angela. I wasn't really even sure what on earth I was thinking when I sent that text to Edward. But when I slipped away to use the restroom at Angela's house after the horrific display at the mall, and to blot the tear-streaks from my face, (only to cry some more before I left her house – story of my life), I was overcome. It was like my fingers had a mind of their own and took over even when my brain was screaming at them to stop.

Honestly, what the hell was wrong with me these days? I'd just given one overbearing, possessive son-of-a-bitch the boot, only to be sucked in against my will by another one. This shit had to stop. I was a full-grown, logical woman with children to take care of and a job that desperately needed my attention. I did not have time for this 'does he love me/does he love me not' bullshit. I had other things I needed to focus on.

_Might I remind you that one of those aforementioned overbearing, possessive sons-of-bitches turned your body into a battering ram? And not in the good way, by the way. And might I also remind you that, deep down, you know the _other_ over-bearing, possessive son-of-a-bitch would never do that? In conclusion, might now I remind you that you got yourself into this mess by omitting a pretty important little detail including a pregnancy and subsequent possible adoption?_

Ah, the godforsaken little voice in my head. The one I'd have rather batted away like an annoying fly than listen to. Okay, fine. I had gotten myself into this mess. And okay, _fine_, Edward wasn't abusive...but how in the hell was I supposed to know he never would be? If I should've learned one thing between these two men in my life, it was never to trust anyone.

_Alright, now you're reaching a little bit. _

Damn it! Okay..._fine!_ I could never picture Edward doing anything to physically hurt me. He'd rather die first, of this I was sure. But this whole 'abusive' thing was up for debate as far as I was concerned. After all, he did use his power over me, against me at the mall that day. And that was a fact, in my opinion.

Anyway, I didn't tell a soul about the text I sent him. Telling him I loved him...telling him I missed him. But that I also needed time. _God_, I wanted to slam my head against a brick wall. I didn't want time. I was desperate for his touch. To see his green eyes light up when they looked at me, not smolder with fury (although that could've been good in another way) and his mouth pull up in that crooked grin I loved so much. I wanted his arms around me seductively, lovingly...not angrily. Not jaded _because_ of me.

So, of course, now that I announced how I needed so much time, I was terrified I was going to get just that. Actually, I was terrified that I was never going to hear from him again. And, after panicking for a while, alone, I decided to put on my big girl pants and toss it, along with the nightmares I had on a nightly basis starring James, Jacob, Edward and a little girl I never met, in a file in the back of my mind. All of this, no doubt, to be pulled out forfurther review once I effectively exploded and had plenty of time for self-reflection while in my padded cell at the nearest psych ward.

Yeah, I needed medication.

The whole 'burying of the feelings' fiasco would've worked just fine for me, at least until the holidays and twins' birthdays were distant memories and I could spare time for a melt-down, if it hadn't been for my overly-attentive mother. Like I said, loved her to death, but she was practically killing me with her constant, 'how are you doing today,' and playing nurse-maid to my broken heart. Oh, but my favorite was the Tarot Card-reading. Apparently she'd gotten back into that _special_ hobby. The kids were fascinated with it. Alice found it amusing, and I just found it irritating as hell.

"Grammy, what's the scary one mean?" Krissy asked, her eyes big and inquisitive. "The one with the skeleton and the banana on a stick."

"It's a big knife, dummy!" Robby countered, studying the card. "To cut people's heads off! Like this..._whoosh!"_ He swiped his arm toward his sister. She squealed, jumped back, and fell right on her little butt on the floor. As she began to whine and rub her tush, I decided I had about enough.

"Robert!" He looked at me all innocent. _Sure_. "That's enough. What have I told you about calling your sister names?"

"Oops," he muttered, glancing at me sheepishly.

"Yeah, _oops_," I retorted. "One more time, and all those presents under that tree go to poor little boys who deserve them...and are nice to their sisters." He gulped, looking over at said presents longingly. "Be a gentleman and help your sister up off the floor. Now!" He scrambled to help her up and muttered an apology just loud enough for me to hear. Huh.

'_Tis the season._

Of course, then I bitched at my mother to put those damned things away. That they weren't for kids, and that my twins didn't need to be privy to all her voodoo and hocus pocus crap. She scowled at me while stacking them neatly and placing them back in their box.

"They're just a tool, Isabella," she scoffed. "It's not _v__oodoo _for goodness sake."

Sure it wasn't. But at least my attitude was getting shit done around here. Well, I thought it was anyway, until the next morning when I woke up to Kristen inadvertently 'reading' her brother using those same damned cards. My mother was whistling some weird tune while flipping over half-burnt pancakes, which were stinking up the house. I actually heard the 'reading' before I saw it as I stalked down the stairs, groggy from lack of sleep thanks to those fantastic nightmares that greeted me every time I slipped under.

"_Oooooh, _Robby, look! It's the scary skeleton guy with the banana knife." She gasped dramatically. "That means you're gonna _die!"_ Then she cackled wickedly.

"Krissy...not nice...and that's not what it means," Renee chimed in from the stove.

"I'm not gonna die," Robby replied, ignoring his very nonchalant grandmother. "I'll just karate chop his head off!" Both the twins started laughing hysterically, and I slapped my palm to my forehead. Good God, my kids were like little terrorists...and my mother was an enabler. This shit was getting out of hand.

"I have told you both what that card means," Renee continued. "So you better stop saying stuff like that before your mom comes down here." She obviously hadn't noticed that I'd already entered the kitchen. The twins had, though, and quickly went wide-eyed with silence as I cleared my throat.

"So what does it mean, mother dear?" I asked as sarcastically as possible. Renee jumped, muttered "shit" under her breath, and spun around with the same 'deer in the headlights' looks my kids were sporting.

"Swear-jar, Grammy!" Krissy blurted, pointing to the top of the refrigerator. I followed her pointed finger, noticing a decent-sized mason jar with a piece of notebook paper taped to it. On that paper, the words _Swear Jar_ were written in bold, black marker.

"The hell, Renee?" I cut my eyes to my chagrined mother.

"Swear-jar, Mommy!" my daughter yelled. "That'll be two dollars and fifty cents!"

I looked over at Krissy. "That's a little steep, don't ya think? Do you work for the government?" She just looked at me quizzically, and I chuckled under my breath, turning my attention back to Renee. "When did this happen?"

She shrugged. "I made it last night. All kids need a swear-jar, right?"

"Uh-huh. What's that card mean?" I narrowed my eyes at her in challenge.

She sighed. "It just means change, Bella. It means something significant is going to change in your life. So, I guess in a way, it means death to some_thing_…not some_one._"

"Seriously, do you ever sleep?" I changed the subject a little. "I mean, between making swear-jars and teaching my kids voodoo rituals, when do you find the time?"

She wrinkled her nose at me in disgust. "Oh please, Isabella Marie, it is _not_ voodoo for the millionth time! Now sit down. I burned up some pancakes especially for you." Well, at least she knew she sucked at cooking. I plopped my ass down with a huff as she divvied out the blackened medallions. "And besides, I sleep just fine. You on the other hand..." she trailed off.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," I muttered, taking a sip of my coffee. Thank goodness I had set my coffee maker to brew the perfect blend of percolated heaven in advance. Lord knew what I would've been drinking had my mother attempted to make it, bless her. Renee threw a pointed look at me, but apparently something in my expression turned hers sympathetic.

"Baby..." She sat down in the chair next to me and gently squeezed my forearm. Glancing at the kids quickly, she leaned in to whisper. "I hear you up and down all night long. You can't be sleeping more than three hours a night. It's not good for you."

_You don't say._

I tensed at her words and her touch. I knew she meant well, but I wasn't interested in discussing my nightmares at any time with anyone. Even her.

"I'm fine, Mom." It was nearly a whisper, strained, and she didn't buy it, of course.

"You know, I have a wonderful herbal remedy for that. Much better for you than that death-in-a-cup you're drinking," she said. _Oh hell no._ She'd have to pry my 'death-in-a-cup' from my cold, _dead_ hands!

I snorted before sipping on my liquid heaven once again. "I'll pass, Renee. You stick to your witch's brew...I'll stick with my coffee."

She rolled her eyes, exhaling harshly. "Would you give it a rest? Seriously, Bella, your mother is no witch." She giggled a little, continuing with a mischievous glint in her bright, blue eyes. "Certain men should be very glad for that."

"Renee—" I started, trying to convey to her with my mind not to mention a certain ex-husband, and a certain ex-boyfriend.

"And my name is 'Mom,' not Renee, by the way."

"Okay, _Mom_." I raised my eyebrows at her. "Can we ix-nay the en-may please?" I said through my teeth, nodding my head in the direction of the twins. She looked from me to them and back at me before finally nodding.

"What's a _em-nay_?" my very perceptive daughter asked.

"Nothing," I added quickly. "It's a grown-up-person word, Krissy." My daughter simply shrugged and went back to her pancakes, bored with the adult banter.

"I know! I think we should go shopping!" Renee exclaimed with a little too much enthusiasm. "Get your mind off things."

Why was it that everyone thought I needed to get my mind off things? My mind was the reason for this entire mess I found myself in anyway. I needed to fix it. I just wasn't sure how right now.

"Mom, I don't need to go shopping," I groaned. "My Christmas money has reached its limit and these two little monsters," I pointed between said monsters, "don't need anything else." That earned me a pouty frown from Krissy.

"Well what about that thing that's coming up right after Christmas?" she hinted about the twins' birthday. "Are you all done with that also?" The half grin on her face told me she knew I wasn't, and I suddenly had a sneaking suspicion that Alice was involved with this 'wonderful' idea. I cursed my sister internally, thinking I'd have to find a way to pay her back properly. Perhaps I could tell Renee that Alice really wanted her feedback on my sister's spring line and that she should pop into her design studio unannounced...surprise her. Now that made me smile. Unfortunately my mother took my mysterious smile as my concession for a shopping trip.

"It's settled then! We'll go this afternoon!"

_Somebody kill me, please_.

"Can't," I replied quickly.

"Why not? Your dad already said he'd come over here and watch the kids. And Alice wants to go."

So Charlie _and_ Alice were the culprits. Should've known. Inside my head I was stomping my feet and flailing my arms in a tantrum to rival those of my children. On the outside, however, my face was stone.

"Let's do it tomorrow." I gritted my teeth to keep my voice steady. "I need to work today. If I don't do something soon, Kate's gonna find someone much more capable of getting my column done in a timely manner."

Renee's face lit up at the fact that I was obviously giving in to her attempts at dragging me around town. Fun. Alice, on the other hand, was definitely going to be hearing from me.

"Work? Great! Go! Go...do some work. The kids and I have got this. Right guys?"

The twins looked up at that moment. Their syrup-smothered faces looked a bit confused, as they had obviously been more interested in their pancakes than even the conversation about shopping. "Mommy's going to work and Grammy's gonna stay here with you, okay?"

Robby nodded his head and smiled at me. His cheeks puffed out; his mouth obviously too full of pancakes to talk. Of course that made no difference to Krissy as she nearly squealed with a mouthful of food. "Okay, bye Mommy! Grammy, can we look at your carrot cards again?"

Renee giggled but shifted her eyes to me nervously when I cleared my throat. "No, baby. No more _carrot_ cards. But hey, I know! We can look up our zodiac signs and read about them! It'll be so much fun!"

Oh dear God. My children were going to be crazy, babbling gypsies by the time my mom went home.

"Yay! Dobiack signs!" My daughter clapped her little hands and bounced in her seat. I fought the urge to roll my eyes.

"See, we're good here, darling. Now go on. Shoo." My mother waved her hands at me like I was a stray dog she wanted to go away. A bit shocking considering she'd probably never shoo away a 'poor defenseless creature' like that. If I hadn't known she was just trying to get me out of the house, to maybe make me feel better, I would've been offended by her excitement that I was leaving. I didn't want to go. Didn't want to leave the comfort of my home, the comfort of my miserable mind, the prison I had locked myself in. Never mind the fact that I had this oppressive feeling I was still being followed by a fucking maniac. I could never see him, but I knew he was there.

I had to go, though. I'd finally heard from Tanya, and it seemed she was super busy with...something she didn't want to talk about...and today was the one day she set aside some time to tell me her story. Although the truth was, after what she told me at Moonstruck that night, I wasn't sure I even wanted to learn the gory details. But I knew I had to do it. If I ever wanted to get this column done and get back in Kate's good graces, I had to. I received an email from my loveable editor, saying that I had until the end of January to - in so many words - get my shit together, or she was going to hunt me down. Awesome.

~*fOrSaKeN*~

Tanya and I met for coffee. I hadn't been there since I'd met Nicci that one day...the day I introduced her to Emmett. The day I was confronted by Jacob. The scents assaulted me as soon as I walked in, and my mind flashed back to that day. Jacob's angry face. Emmett's confrontation with him outside. My face must have shown the torment going on in my head because Tanya noticed it right away.

"Are you okay, Bella? You look like you've seen a ghost."

I nodded my head and tried on a smile that didn't feel right. "Yeah. Just...memories I guess."

She sighed and looked past me wistfully. "I know what you mean."

I listened with rapt attention as Tanya recounted her life story to me. I cringed a little when she talked about Edward. The way her eyes sparkled at the memory of what they once had. It made my heart ache for him, and I had to let out a sharp breath once I finally realized I'd been holding it.

"I'm sorry, I..." she said when she saw the pain in my eyes.

"No, it's okay," I replied shaking my head. "I just, I-I miss him." She smiled sadly and nodded knowingly before continuing. When she told me how she was raped - by someone she should've been able to trust - and had gotten pregnant as a result, after a horrific relationship post-Edward in high school, I wasn't sure I could hear any more. Tears clouded my vision and I gritted my teeth, trying to hold them back. My heart broke for her. But there was more, the worst of which was yet to come.

When she finished, she was visibly shaken, having relived that nightmare just to help me out, and I was dumbfounded. I couldn't even form a complete sentence; my mind was so jumbled and full of terrifying images. I was thankful, however that I'd opted to forego the traditional pen-and-paper note-taking; and had brought my digital recorder instead. Because by the time I'd heard everything, my hands were shaking so badly that I couldn't have held a pen to save my life.

"Tanya..." I began, at a loss for words. "I...I don't know what to say. I—"

"Bella, it's alright," she said. Her green eyes were kind, but sad.

"I'm sorry that happened to you." My voice was thick.

"Don't be." She shook her head. "My experiences have made me who I am today. Gave me a beautiful daughter - who I would give my life for - so I can't regret anything, Bella. Just as you shouldn't." Her eyes were piercing now, like she was looking straight into my innermost thoughts, my soul.

I shook my head slightly. "That's easier said than done."

"But it isn't really," she replied. "Look what you're doing with this article, Bella. I know it's hard to think this now. Believe me, I do, but the things you've gone through have prompted you to do something for others in 'our' situations. Because we're in this together, Bella. You and me, we're in a very special club now. One that breeds strong, incomparable women." She grasped onto my hands and squeezed when I looked away in doubt of myself. "And you're strong. I can see it."

Tears pooled in my eyes. I wanted desperately to agree with her, but I sure as hell didn't feel strong. And after hearing her story, I felt like nothing more than a spoiled, coddled, whining bitch.

"The things I've done..." I whispered, shaking my head again.

"Are the things you had to do," she interrupted. Her eyes stared into mine with conviction. "_We_ do what we have to do."

I studied her. How could she look at me and see a person as strong as she was? I just couldn't grasp it.

"But, Edward—"

"Loves you. More than you could possibly imagine." Her voice shook a little, and I was hit with a wave of crushing guilt. "He's stubborn, and bullheaded, a little hard to deal with, as if you don't know that. But he's losing his mind right now...over you. And...other things," she said cryptically.

"What other things?" The question was out before I could stop it, and suddenly, she looked a little chagrined.

"You haven't talked to him lately, I take it. I...don't know if I should... He should be the one to tell you."

"What is it?" My heart began to pound. Something was wrong. I could tell by the look on her face.

"Um...it's about Kendyll."

"Kendyll?" I had to think for a second before it finally clicked, who she was referring to. "That's the little girl he saved, right? From the car accident?" Tanya nodded. I didn't even know this child, and suddenly, I was worried. "Oh God, what's happened to her? Is she okay?"

"Oh, no, nothing like that," she quickly replied. "She's fine. Well, as fine as a traumatized little girl can be, I suppose." She took a deep breath and blew it out slowly, seeing my quizzical expression. "Okay, I'll tell you. Edward will probably kill me, since I'm sure he wants to tell you himself, but he's trying to adopt her."

I was still stuck in my own thoughts of her saying Edward would want to tell me himself, yet I hadn't given him an opportunity to tell me anything, when her words hit me like the house falling on the wicked witch in The Wizard of Oz.

"He what?" My voice was a mere whisper. He was adopting her? I was completely dumbfounded. I didn't know how to feel about it. Obviously, I was elated for the little girl. I knew Edward could give her an amazing life. But I also felt a little bit angry and hurt that he didn't want me to be a part of it. Then again, that was my fault, wasn't it? I swallowed the thick lump in my throat and blinked away the tears trying to form.

"That's...wonderful...for her. Edward will be an incredible father to her. Her life will be..." I trailed off.

"Bella, I'm sure Edward wants you to know her," Tanya began. She stopped herself abruptly with a sharp intake of breath. It startled me into silence. "As a matter of fact, she's staying with me temporarily. You should come by and meet her. She's a pretty amazing kid. I think Journey kind of gets on her nerves," she giggled, "but Kendyll handles her like a champ. She adores Edward...even Carlisle. It's like she belongs with them, you know? That sounds terrible, given that she lost her parents so horrifically, but it's like she's already a part of the Cullen family."

I just stared at her as she continued talking about this new little lady in Edward's life. She talked about her recovery, and her difficulties. Nightmares. I could relate. My heart went out to the little girl. Though, I had to admit to myself, I was a little jealous of a child I didn't even know. It seemed she had all his attention and I longed for it, like a pathetic idiot. My fault. One thing stuck out in my mind as Tanya continued, and I just couldn't seem to get past it.

"Wait, she's staying with _you? _Why?" It came out a little harsher than I'd intended, but really, could the situation have gotten any more bizarre? Edward suddenly wanting to adopt a child he barely knew was strange enough. Although, I could understand why. But to have that child stay with his _ex-girlfriend? _Temporarily or not, I was having a hard time wrapping my head around it.

Tanya smiled, looking slightly amused. "Before you jump to some crazy conclusion, let me explain..."

After she did just that, I understood. It still freaked me out a little, I couldn't deny that to myself, but I understood that Edward turned to her for help knowing what her connections were...or hoping at least. Then she started in again on how she thought I should meet Kendyll. I really wanted to, and I told her that, but explained that in the end I felt it would just be awkward and weird to do it behind Edward's back. And Lord knew I didn't need him angry at me any more than he already was. We finished up our meeting with a tight hug, and I thanked her profusely for everything she shared with me when she really didn't have to. She reciprocated with a sad, watery smile, and whispered in my ear to keep the faith; that everything would work out. I hoped she was right. It was all I had to go on these days-hope.

On my way to the office, I called my _assistant,_ Nicci, to meet me there. I needed to collect her research notes and transcribe Tanya's interview into text, but I planned in asking - well making was more like it - Nicci do it, because I was positive my heart couldn't handle listening to that again today. The stab of jealousy I felt when I overheard Emmett tell her to get her hot little ass back in bed almost ruined the humor in it. But I smiled in spite of myself. It seemed Emmett had waited far too long to for someone to adore him like Nicci did, and he deserved every second of it. In fact, I felt a little bad for tearing her away from him today, but I doubted Kate - whom I had a newfound respect for after hearing Tanya's story - would find it as endearing as I did.

~*fOrSaKeN*~

Three-quarters of the way through the recording, and Nicci pulled out her ear buds. She sighed heavily and looked up at me with tear-filled eyes. "Oh my God, Bella. This is just so...so sad! I mean, I feel like I've lived in a bubble my whole life or something. I didn't even know people went through stuff like this! This is like one of those Lifetime movies...you know, the ones where you're like, 'I don't know if I really wanna watch this,' but then you start...and then you can't stop because it's like a train wreck, but it's so freaking sad, so you have to grab the box of tissues, and before you know it, you've like, used up all your tissues. This is like that!"

"Nicci," I sighed. Sometimes I was afraid I'd actually lose brain cells listening to this girl. "Yes, it's sad, but it's not a damned movie. It's someone's life. A real person, in fact, so keep it down. You're talking so loud the whole office can hear you. And, if you remember, that person's sister is our _boss_." Her eyes widened and she looked around sheepishly at the surrounding cubicles before muttering a quiet apology and proceeding to finish the recording. When she finally finished, and I was still elbow-deep in her research notes, making notes for myself, I could feel her eyes on me, penetrating my face.

"What?" I asked, alarmed by her sobering expression.

She pointed at her laptop screen. "Did Jacob do that to you? That stuff?" She was whispering, and for that I was grateful. Shocked, but grateful nonetheless.

"No, Nicci, well not like that. He...hurt me, but, just, not as bad I guess. What she went through was...so much worse." I felt my heart break for Tanya once again. Knowing what she'd become, though, made me realize there was hope for anyone. I actually found myself wanting to tell my dim-witted assistant everything, including the way I'd felt eyes on me everywhere I went today. But I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Not here anyway. I was a bit surprised that Emmett hadn't already filled her in, but was relieved that he hadn't.

"I'm afraid for you, Bella," Nicci whispered, leaning toward me. Her brown eyes didn't lie. She really was.

"Don't be," I replied, sounding a bit less confident than I wanted to. "I can take care of myself."

"Ladies." Kate's voice ended our surprisingly adult conversation abruptly. "In my office," she said, turning on her heel and leaving us to wonder why she seemed annoyed. Then again, it was Kate. The woman always seemed annoyed.

Once inside her office, Kate's gaze seemed to fix directly on the recorder in my hand. "Is that Tanya's interview?" she asked, looking at it as if it was a loaded gun. I nodded. As I went to hand it to her, thinking she wanted to review it, she held her hand up to stop me. "No, I don't need to hear it. I lived it. No need to relive it today. I assume my name was mentioned?"

I glanced over at Nicci, who had her mouth open, ready to speak, undoubtedly to spew about what an amazing sister Kate had been. While it was true, and I felt the same way inside, I knew Kate better than Nicci did, so I narrowed my eyes at her and shook my head minutely so that Kate wouldn't catch it. Then I turned to look back at Kate and shrugged my shoulders, feigning nonchalance.

"A little."

Kate grinned at me in approval, and nodded. She turned, talking as she walked and waving her hand around. "Well, I want names changed, you know, to protect the innocent and all that shit. Besides, I have a reputation as a stone-cold bitch to protect, so... Anyway, March first is the date I want the completed story on my desk. We'll make it a quarterly thing, these _special_ stories of yours." She air-quoted, and I was just thrilled (not) that she expected some sort of masterpiece out of me every quarter. _Joy._ "Until then, I expect the usual 'Happy New Year' and 'Valentine's Day' bullshit. Got it?"

"Yes ma'am," I muttered sarcastically, ushering a stunned-looking Nicci out of the office.

~*fOrSaKeN*~

My turbulent and restless night was filled with my mind's idea of new and exciting nightmares. Tanya's old demons turned into my current ones. _James and Victoria's fists pounded my pregnant body while Edward stood in the distance, looking at me with what I could only discern as pity and disappointment. When I blinked my eyes, Jake wason top of me again, his face in a twisted snarl, his angry voice reminding me that he was 'doing this for my own good.' Finally I found myself searching for the disembodied voice of a little girl...screaming for her mother. I wasn't sure who I was dreaming of this time, my own lost child, or the poor little girl who Edward saved, seeking out her parents who would never answer. _The last time I woke up with a gasp, I gave up on sleep altogether. That was at four a.m.

When my overly-excited mom woke me up - if you could call it that - I found myself praying to whatever deity would listen to help me not murder her, or my beloved sister, two days before Christmas. The twins practically dragged us out the door, bouncing off the walls with excitement to spend the day with their grandpa - who was currently a traitor in my book - and did nothing but exaggerate my pounding headache all the way.

They sang Rudolf the Red-nosed Reindeer.

Twenty-five times.

At least.

Ugh.

And I was pretty damned certain that Santa never had a reindeer named Princess or Ninja. At least not in the versions I ever heard. I gave up after trying to correct them about ten times, when they continued shouting, 'you know Dasher and Princess and Ninja and Blixen!' Oh, but Renee and Alice thought it was hilarious. (Cue my glares and ill-attempted Jedi mind tricks.)

Once we got there and the twins ran off, squealing up to the toy room, Charlie gave me a side-hug squeeze. He chuckled when he noticed my sour mood.

"Oh c'mon, Bells, it'll be good for ya." He had this gleam in his eye that didn't seem to be there before. I briefly wondered if he'd met a woman, but quickly put that thought aside. Nevertheless, he was amused about something, and the way he was looking at me said I was involved somehow. It couldn't have been that my own father was pleased with his stealthy role in my misery today, could it? Sure it couldn't. "Girls' day out. Go buy some stuff. Have fun."

I narrowed my eyes at my deceitful father. "Maybe I should buy you a new girlfriend. That would be _fun_, Dad."

He stopped smiling and narrowed his eyes right back at me. "That's not funny, Bells."

"Yeah, neither is shopping with those two maniacs," I retorted.

He held his hands up in surrender. The grinning was back. "Alright, truce? Just go get your mind off...things."

I groaned, rolled my eyes and went to give my hyperactive children a kiss before the _fun_ began.

~*fOrSaKeN*~

"No, Jacob. We're not having this conversation. You know I don't want you at the kids' birthday party; you know it's against the order I filed. So, have one for them yourself!"

"Bells, that protection order is bullshit, and you know it! Really, what am I gonna do with your family there? The kids? Come on! I already told you I can't do anything for them the following weekend because I have _court! _It's not something I _want _to do; it's something I _have_ to do, believe me!"

Of course, the paternity results of little Seth came as a shock to no one but Jake himself. He was so ridiculous. The asshole had called me several times while my mom, sister and I picked out various party decorations for the twins, and I had ignored each and every call. As always, nothing good ever came out of our phone conversations, and this particular chat was no exception. He knew the arrangements I'd made, and there was nothing he could do about it. Yet, here he was, trying to change things again to suit his own ridiculous needs. Was it my fault that he went out, screwed some naive girl and knocked her up while I was home taking care of three-month-old babies? Hell no! And I wasn't about to let him guilt-trip me into caving for him.

"Your fault, Jake. Not mine."

"Oh come on, Bells, you know I don't have a choice. The crazy bitch just wants my money! I don't care what the results said; that's what this is about. There's always a chance the results were wrong. All I'm asking you for is a goddamned favor. Just this once! I want to be there for my kids. Besides, it's still my house!"

I almost laughed at that, but I was a little too stunned by his blatant idiocy. I was laughing hysterically on the inside, though. "Until I sell it and you get half the proceeds, it's mine. And, crazy bitch, Jake? I think the only crazy person in this equation is you. I'm not allowing you to come over and cause problems because your children don't deserve that! You should've thought about this sooner and made arrangements for your _own_ party. Again, not my fault."

He sigh, exasperated, like I was the one irritating the hell out of him. What a dick. "Bella, I'm trying to run a business. It's the holidays. I've been a little busy. I don't get to just sit around and twiddle my thumbs like some people." _Oh here we go_. "So, you're just okay with me missing my own kids' birthday party and looking like an asshole to them because we couldn't work together on this?"

I dug my fingers into the phone I was holding, but refrained from exploding on him because I knew exactly what he was trying to do. I actually tried really hard to find a single cell in my body that was sympathetic to his plight. But I couldn't. Gone were the days when his manipulation would move me. He'd made his bed, literally, and now he had to lie in it.

"Work together? Really, Jake? If that wasn't so pathetic, it'd be hilarious. I highly doubt that you'll never have a chance to give Robby and Krissy special time with you for their birthday. If you don't, though, you'll look like an asshole because of _you_, not me."

He sighed, defeated, and I felt...victorious.

"Fine," he grumbled. "Can I at least see my kids tonight?"

Oh for the love of... There really was no end to his manipulative prowess. I rolled my eyes, wishing he could see how unaffected I was by him.

"Like you're not going to see them in two days on Christmas," I said sardonically.

"Yes, I know that," he snapped. "But I'd kind of like to see them before all the judgment from your family begins. I know your mom's in town. Can't _wait_ for her two cents."

I held back from calling him a whiny fucking baby. Instead I laughed softy. Besides doing it for the kids to have their whole family together on Christmas, part of the reason I agreed bend the rules and have Jake and Billy join us that day - as we had always done traditionally - was for my own twisted entertainment. Renee was going to tear into him, and I was looking forward to it.

"Fine," I sighed. "But you still have to deal with Charlie."

"_Perfect_," he groaned.

"And they're not spending the night."

"Bells?"

"What, Jake?"

"It's...going to be really nice to see you on Christmas. I miss you."

"Jake, I have to go. I'll call Charlie and tell him to bring the kids over. You two can work out the details. Bye." I pressed 'end' and scrubbed my face with the heels of my hands in frustration. I leaned up against the hallway outside of the restroom, where I told Renee and Alice I was going, just to gather my scrambled thoughts for a moment. We decided to stop for lunch in Logan Square, not far from the Party City store where we'd been for what seemed like eternity. By some miracle of the heavens, Panera wasn't all that busy at the time (the hipsters and salespersons must've been taking a break from their coffee/blogging benders and last minute deals - which meant I could eat my loaded baked potato soup in some semblance of peace, until the buzzing of my phone turned my stomach and I lost what little appetite I had) so I had taken advantage of the moment of privacy I found to call my asshole of an ex-husband back.

"Everything okay, sis?" I startled at the sound of Alice's voice in my ear and whirled around to see her worried expression. I suddenly lost the urge to strangle her, instead wanted to hug my meddling sister tightly.

"Yeah," I said, blowing out a heavy breath. "Just Jake being, well, Jake. He wants the kids tonight. He's whining about having my _minions_ around on Christmas day, so I guess I'll be nice and call dad. See if he can take them over to Billy's for a while."

She rolled her eyes and snorted. "What a fucking baby."

"Oh, and get this. He wanted me to let him come to the birthday party because he has _court_ to determine child suppose for that other kid the following weekend."

Alice's mouth fell open; her eyes widened. "What did you say?"

"I said hell no!"

She laughed. "Jesus, there's just no end to his fucking dickery - no pun intended - is there? I hope his sorry ass goes broke paying all the child support he's gonna have to dish out." She smirked. "'Course, we could always just shoot him...right in the balls—"

"Alice! Settle down, Capone." I shook my head, grinning.

She shrugged. "What? A girl can dream."

"Sure, Alice," I retorted. "We better get back before Renee comes looking for us."

Her face suddenly sobered, and she cleared her throat nervously. "Hey, I don't wanna freak you out or anything, but I noticed some creepy guy in a dark hoodie hanging around across the street." My stomach sank to my knees as she continued. "I could feel him staring, ya know? But every time I look up, he turns around, so I can't see his face. You should call that Sergeant friend of yours, Bella." Her tone was serious, and I found my hands trembling as I nodded my head and tried to dial my phone.

"Shit," I breathed. "Does mom know?"

"No, I didn't say anything to her about it."

"Good. Let's keep it that way." I was scared, no doubt about it, but really I was more pissed than anything. To think that Jake was still having that psychotic mongrel follow me around made my stomach turn. I should've known he wouldn't just leave me the fuck alone.

I called Sergeant Hawkins and she said she was sending a uniformed officer to patrol the area. She also said she'd send one to my neighborhood to patrol every half hour until further notice. She really was a great person to have around in a sticky situation. I thanked her profusely. Then I called Charlie. I told him about the phone call with Jake, and that the kids were not to leave his sight, no matter what that son-of-a-bitch said. He agreed, and I could hear the smile in his voice. I didn't, however, tell him about the creeper. He would've been here in seconds, and I didn't need to try and explain to my kids why grandpa was having a melt-down.

As we left, I checked my surroundings. Again and again, I looked all around for the psycho I knew was there, but couldn't see. I was sure I looked utterly ridiculous. If I'd been wearing a dark suit and sunglasses, I could've been in the CIA...or a member of the MIB, but whatever, Alice was doing the same thing and Renee was beginning to notice our paranoid behavior.

"What are you girls looking for?"

"Nothing!" we both blurted at the same time. Renee looked between the two of us like we'd lost or minds. Well, considering the circumstances...

"Okie dokie, I gotta run," Alice chirped, giving Renee a loose hug, and then me.

"Wait a minute. Where are you going?" I hissed, not sure whether to be worried about her safety, or annoyed that this shit was her idea - partly - and now she was running off.

"Well, I have to make a pit-stop at Best Buy," she curled her nose in disgust, "and then I have to work for a while. That spring line isn't going to design itself, ya know. A fashionista's job is never done," she sighed dramatically.

"By _yourself_?" I gave her my best pleading look. "And what's at Best Buy?"

She cupped my cheek and smiled. "Little sister, I'll be fine. Don't worry about me. And I'm looking for music...for...um, my next show. You two go...bond or...something." That earned her a glare. "Okay, toodles!" She hurriedly turned and hailed a cab.

"Music? But you have an iPod!" I called out. She waved behind her as she jumped in the waiting cab, and she was gone. I turned to my mother, who was staring blankly at the now empty spot where Alice had been, and shrugged. "That's your daughter, definitely."

~*fOrSaKeN*~

Christmas Eve arrived, and the twins where literally bouncing off the walls. Luckily, Renee was there to corral the monkeys, and Alice - sans Jasper, thank God - and Charlie showed up to keep me company. My parents chatted awkwardly about Phil and why he couldn't make it up with her this year (family and work obligations in Jacksonville, apparently), while Alice and I laughed our way through Ralphie's antics in my favorite holiday movie of all time, A Christmas Story. Really I was giggling at Alice repeatedly shouting, "You'll shoot your eye out, kid," in an octave that would make dogs cower, in between my own shouting, "Santa is watching!" at the kids every time they snuck sugar, and chocolate chip cookies out of the kitchen.

Right around their bedtime, we watched the news. The kids were blabbering about the Santa Tracker, so thankfully, they didn't hear the story that made my stomach tie up in knots.

There had been another rape. It happened in the Riverpoint Center shopping area...exactly where we had been, and the same night. This time, he nearly killed the girl - whose name they weren't releasing - and I knew. I knew it had to have been the man stalking, watching us that day. And I knew with every fiber of my being that it was James.

I felt sick.

I felt _responsible_.

Why couldn't they catch the sick bastard?

"Sweetie, this city is so dangerous," Renee whispered in my ear. "I worry about you being here alone." She really had no idea of the scope of it.

"Mom, I'm fine," I whispered my lie back to her. Luckily Charlie was too busy talking 'Santa Claus' with the twins to notice the depressing news story, but I felt Alice's hand squeeze mine and I squeezed back.

Finally, Santa Tracker came on, and the twins watched with rapt attention. When they found out he was on the east coast and heading our way, they squealed.

"Mommy, we have to hurry!" Krissy screeched. "Grandpa has to read _'T'is the Night Before Christmas!"_

"'Twas, baby," I corrected her, "It's _'Twas_ the Night Before Christmas." She ignored me, naturally.

Charlie beamed at Krissy and Robby's excitement. There was no better tradition than my dad coming over every Christmas Eve and reading the classic poem-turned-book to my kids as he had done for Alice and me growing up. My dad never failed them, or me, and I loved him so much for it. Jake was always too busy making last minute business decisions in the past to be into that sort of thing. But he did occasionally man the video camera so I could sit with them and revel in the nostalgia. Guess I should've been thankful he did that much.

My eyes teared up a little as he read and I watched the twins' dreamy expressions. When he finished, everyone kissed the kids goodnight before I tucked them in - I was sure there'd be far more than visions of sugar plums dancing in their little heads as they slept - and I went back to say my goodbyes to my family. They all wanted to stay, but I assured them it would be nice to have our first Christmas morning without Jake be just the three of us. After hugs and kisses, Renee cupped my cheeks and held my gaze. She must've seen something there, and it was a little creepy the way she seemed to be reading my melancholy mind.

"Oh honey, don't you worry," she whispered. I looked at her in utter confusion until she continued. "He's a Gemini. They're extremely complicated individuals. He'll come around; he just needs a little time to get his head on straight." I laughed a little with watery eyes, especially after seeing that Charlie had heard her and was rolling his eyes. Alice gave me a squeeze and finally ushered Renee out the door to head back to her apartment, but Charlie lingered.

"You sure you're okay, kiddo? I don't like you being here without protection, Bells." His eyes reflected the seriousness and worry in his tone. "Dad, I'm fine," I tried to appease him. There's an officer patrolling the neighborhood every half hour. Besides, I'm not a bad shot, ya know."

He grimaced. "Yeah I don't know what scares me more. Someone trying to get in, or you as a gun-wielding maniac."

"Hey!" I smacked his arm, leaning up to kiss him on the cheek. "Thanks, Dad, for everything." He blushed. Always the sentiment-phobe. He looked at his watch, stared off into space for a second, then looked at his watch again and smirked. "What?" I asked.

"Oh, nothing. Just thinking of a hunting trip I might be taking soon."

I quirked an eyebrow at him. "I'm sure glad Alice inherited all your weirdness." He chuckled and gave me a quick squeeze.

"Bye, Bells. I love ya, kid."

I waved at him as his cruiser pulled away, and then went to work, setting out crumbles of cookies and a half-drunk glass of milk along with a note to the kids, thanking them, from the jolly old elf. After admiring my work, my thoughts took a morose turn, so I shuffled my way up to the bedroom and into my closet. With a heavy heart and a deep breath, I pulled out the gift I'd ordered for _him_. It had come a few days before, and I'd hidden it away after looking at it and letting it ruin my mood. I didn't have the strength to open the box this time, just ran my fingers over the small square and blinked away frustrated tears before wrapping it with shiny green tissue paper - that reminded me of his emerald eyes - and putting it back in its silver gift bag. I could only hope that someday I'd be able to give it to him. That he would know how much I loved him.

It wasn't long after I'd gotten out of the steaming bath I decided to take - to ease away my depression - that I heard something. I crept out into the hallway with my heart in my throat to listen. As I held my breath, I heard it again. A distinct knocking at the front door. My heart slammed against my chest in rapid succession. Eleven o'clock on Christmas Eve, and there was only one person I could think of that would show up here. Jake.

Unless it was that lunatic, James, and if it was him, I was going to put a bullet in his fucking head.

I ran back into my room, threw on a t-shirt and my velour track pants, and tossed my hair up in a messy bun. I pulled my gun safe out from under the bed and opened it quickly. It was loaded; there was no need to check it. It was always loaded. I took a deep breath, readying myself for whatever fight ensued and praying that my children wouldn't awaken to their mother having shot a psycho on the front porch.

When I got directly in front of the door, I paused, gripped the gun tightly and waited. The knock came again. A little louder this time, and I jumped, suppressing a scream. I could do this. I could totally do this. Where was that damned cop? I crept slowly to the peephole and squeezed my eyes shut in fear of what was out there. Once I opened them and peered out, I froze. What I saw - or who I saw, rather - had my breath leaving me in a rush, my stomach doing somersaults, and my heart speeding so much that I thought I might faint.

~*fOrSaKeN*~

_~Part Two: Edward~_

"So, how did he take it?" Carlisle asked as I made my way onto the expressway. I was cradling my phone with my shoulder while frantically rummaging through my glove box and keeping my left hand firmly planted on the steering wheel.

"Actually, he took it remarkably well, Dad." I smiled to myself thinking about Kel's reaction to opening our home, and our hearts, to Kendyll. To be honest, that kid never ceased to amaze his old man. At first, he was wary. He asked about a million questions, some I expected: _When will this happen? Where will she sleep? Why? Does she want to live here?_ Some I did not: _What if I teach her how to skate? Do you think she'll watch Rob and Big with me? What about Phineas and Ferb? Can I tell her not to mess with my stuff? _But all in all, he seemed almost excited about the prospect of having a big 'sister.'

"Well, I have to say, I'm very surprised to hear that." Carlisle's voice reflected that surprise. "But I'm also happy to hear it."

"Thanks, Dad. Hey, I gotta go. The weather's getting bad and I'm driving."

"Wait, you've already left? Where are you going?"

Yeah, I wasn't ready to get into that just yet. My stomach was already in fucking knots. "Depending on the outcome, Dad, I'll talk to you about it later. By the way, I have to give you fair warning. Mom says if Santa Claus gets there before you do, you're being replaced." I chuckled.

"Oh boy," he said, half amused/half anxious. "I know she's not too pleased with me for having to run to the hospital for an emergency. Such is the life, though. It's too bad I didn't get to see you tonight, though, son. How was Kendyll? I take it Tanya dropped her off for the night already?"

"Well, you'll get to see me tomorrow." I smiled, pleased that the man actually missed me. "And Kendyll's great. She and Kellan were getting along really well, until I had to take him to the—to his mother's." Luckily, she hadn't ruined my good mood by opening her mouth. _And _there had been no sign of that fuck-stick, James. If there had been, I would've taken Kellan straight back to my parents' house, and she fucking knew it.

"That's great, son."

"Okay, Dad, look...I really gotta go. Wish me luck."

"For what?"

"Just say, 'good luck, Edward.'"

He laughed. I could just see him shaking his head in confusion. "Good luck, Edward."

I ended the call and dropped my phone on the passenger seat, picking up the CD and just holding it in my hand. I grinned. Leave it to Alice to kick me in the balls at just the right time. I had every intention of going to see Bella after my disturbing phone call with Chief Swan, but the anxiety had crept its way in and I was having serious second thoughts. That was until I got home from a false alarm at the hospital the night before, and found a CD, conspicuously lying in the hall, right in front of my door. There was a note taped to it saying:

_Hey, Jackass- It's about time you pulled that giant head of yours out of your ass, don't ya think? It's not a hat, ya know? I heard this song and thought it might strike a chord with you. I know you have a heart in there somewhere! Besides, no matter what you do to my sister, no matter how much you hurt her and no matter how much I would REALLY like to kick you in the balls with my Manolo Blahnik's, she always sees the best in you. What you do with this will determine whether you deserve her or not. XOXO, Alice._

I laughed out loud when I read the note. I couldn't help myself. Alice, though she scared the living shit out of me, was truly the best big sister anyone could ask for. The first thing I did when I got inside was play the CD. I was blown away.

Instantly.

Alice was a fucking genius, and the frightening thing was, she obviously knew me better than I knew myself. I wanted to play this song and sing it to Bella immediately. I had to. There was no question about it. I listened to it over and over. Memorizing the chords and melody. It seemed simple enough, so I got out my guitar. After practicing what seemed like a million times, and cursing myself about as much, I finally got it to sound the way I wanted. There was only one problem.

If..._when_...I went to see her, what if she kicked me the hell out? There was no way I could take my guitar over there if she would not allow me to stay long enough to play it for her. And she had to hear it. I had to think of something else.

Fuck.

And then it hit me. Because, apparently I was fucking brain dead and hadn't thought of it before. I rummaged through some drawers until I found a blank CD, thank little baby Jesus, and proceeded to record myself. (And erase and re-record...and erase and re-record who knew how many times.)

All I could do was pray to whoever would listen that _she_ would listen, and be as blown away as I was.

My hand shook slightly as I put the CD in to listen to it one more time on the way to her house. I could've gone the quick way, straight down the expressway to I-90. I would've been there in no time. But I was so fucking nervous, I was taking the longest route I could possibly find, just to psych myself up for this.

The music began to play and my heart fluttered like I was a pansy-ass little girl, but I didn't give a shit. It was _exactly_ what I wanted to say to her. Like I said, Alice was a fucking genius.

_This room is thick with words. A mess, a mess, of secrets and thieves. But can't you see that we're all the same? Just vessels and we're all afraid. Oh, well forgive me, I don't mean to intrude. You see, my hands are shaking too. Oh! _

The goddamned fluttering in my stomach got worse, not better, as the song continued. As if on cue, my hands shook, and I fought the lump trying to form in my throat as the chorus began.

_So, just settle down. This storm won't last forever; we're built for more than this world. I'm not that strong...honestly, I'm not. But you always see the best in me. _

_Now I'm open...oh, oh, so you can see me for who I am. So fragile, I wait with hope that the coming change won't blow us away. Well forgive me, I don't mean to intrude. You see, my hands are shaking too. Oh! So, just settle down. This storm won't last forever; we're built for more than this world. I'm not that strong...honestly, I'm not. But you always see the best in me. Am I something you can be proud of now?_

_So, just settle down. This storm won't last forever; we're built for more than this world. I'm not that strong...honestly, I'm not. But you always see the best in me. So, just settle down. This storm won't last forever; we're built for more than this world. I'm not that strong...honestly, I'm not. But you always see the best in me. Oh, oh! Honestly, I'm not. But you always see...the best in me.'_

Before I knew it, and despite my best efforts to have made the trip last longer than necessary, I found myself pulling onto her street. As soon as I turned into her driveway, the flash of lights behind me stopped me dead in my tracks. The officer approached my car, asked what I was doing there - to which I replied I was a friend visiting - and he took my license. I thought about telling him it was a surprise, but then figured he'd arrest me on the spot for being a fucking creeper. Nevertheless, he waved me on, and I was left with a feeling of alarm, wondering just what the fuck that was all about and wanting to get to her even quicker now. I was glad, though, that she had security working her street. That was something, at least.

And then, suddenly, I was staring at her house, my hands gripping the steering wheel like it was my lifeline. I took a deep breath, blew it out...and prayed.

~*fOrSaKeN*~

The door opened slowly, and my revived heart thudded against my ribcage like a battering ram. I had to talk myself out of leaving, just taking off and forgetting I ever had such a ridiculous idea - promise to the chief or not - several times before I even opened my car door and stepped out. Lifting my hand to knock was a whole other goddamned story.

I stood there for fucking ever, flexing and clenching my hand repeatedly. I was freezing my balls off since the snow had started up again, and I'd broken into a nervous sweat, which only made the lick of the frigid wind worse. By the time I was actually able to knock, I felt like I'd already been knocking for hour – my hands were so frozen they were numb, though I barely noticed a sting here and there. The cold air that was whipping at my neck had found its way down my back making me feel like I was stuck in a medieval torture device. Little needles prickled at my skin all over the place. My face and ears were fucking frozen - the beanie wasn't doing much to help that - my teeth were chattering, I could barely see through the puff of steam that exited my mouth every time I exhaled, and my nose... well, I wasn't sure I still had one. At least I knew I was still breathing somehow.

When she came into sight, everything stopped. My teeth stopped chattering, my hands stopped trembling. I felt warm_. _Even time seemed to lull. Everything, that is, except my heart, which was still trying to beat its way out of my chest. The look on her face, however, caused a tidal wave of emotion to crash over me. Her eyes were as wide as half dollars; the emotion in them a tumultuous storm of blues. She looked shocked, confused, frightened, and even a little bit angry. Only, her mouth was a straight line, unreadable. The icy feeling crept back, and I suddenly found myself preparing my heart to break and bleed once again. I opened my mouth to say something, anything, but then my eyes shifted to her right hand...gripped tightly to the handle of a gun.

Fuck.

I held my hands up quickly as my eyes darted from hers to the gun, which was - thank fucking God - pointed at the ground. "I...I...I brought you music," I stuttered. Like a fucking moron. _I brought you music? Really_? I might as well have said I carried a goddamned watermelon! I would've shot me right on the spot if I was her.

She startled, blinked a couple times, and then looked down at her own hand and gasped. "I'm so sorry!" Her voice was like a warm summer day. It heated me from head to toe...until she slammed the door in my face. That was when reality set in, and I was fucking frozen again. Perfect. It appeared that only I could scare the shit out of the girl holding a gun.

Fuck. My. Life.

Just as I was about to give up all hope and go bury my head in a snow bank somewhere, the door flew open again. This time, I jumped wondering if she had in fact decided to shoot my sorry ass.

"Edward," she said breathily. "I'm sorry. Come...come in." I looked at her warily. Even as fucking freaked out as I was, _God_ she was beautiful. Her hair was up and messy. Little tendrils fell down to frame her face, her cheeks were flushed and that damned pink tracksuit she had on hugged her in just the right places. "Please?" she spoke again, obviously noticing my hesitation, she held up her now empty right hand. "See, no gun." She sighed and smiled only slightly. My heart leapt. "That wasn't for you anyway."

"What happened?" I was immediately pissed off. My jaw clenched instinctively, wondering just what in the fuck that douchebag she was married to had done now.

"Nothing. Just come in. You're gonna turn into a Popsicle out there. And it's snowing. The kids will freak out in the morning. I can just see them wanting to check the roof for reindeer and sleigh tracks." There was that soft smile again, this time accompanied by a shy giggle, and I felt my heart stutter again. I stepped in cautiously and turned to her like a magnet as she shut and locked the door. When she turned back to me, her eyes were downcast, her hands wringing together against her stomach.

"Um, can you just give me a second?" She pointed to the stairs, where she'd apparently deposited the gun. The same stairs where I made love to her once. The memory had my dick twitching behind the fly of my jeans and I cursed it. _Not the fucking time._ "I'm just gonna go put that thing away. Lock it up."

"Sure," I muttered quietly and, as she bent over to pick it up, my eyes automatically shifted to her incredible ass, hugged tightly by the material of her pants. And damn it if the fly of my jeans didn't tighten even more. Instead of cursing my unruly dick this time, I silently prayed that this would be a _very_ long night.

She disappeared up the stairs for a few minutes, but when she returned, her eyes were trained on mine the entire time she descended. I felt something shift between us as we both just stood there, staring at one another in silence. I couldn't stop looking at her. She amazed me. Every part of her, and I wanted her to be my girl again. So fucking much.

"So...hey," she said, wrapping her arms around her torso protectively. _Goddamn it_, I hated that. The fact that she felt she needed to protect herself from me. I wanted to rush to her, wrap my arms around her and kiss her senseless. Do all the things I'd been dreaming of doing to her for weeks. But I reminded my idiotic mind that I needed to pace myself if I was going to get through to her at all tonight.

"Hey," I replied lamely. The air between us was awkward, honestly, but there was something else. A crackling and fizzling charge that, had it been any stronger, would've been visible. That gave me a little bit of hope. Finally, I broke the silence. "So, uh, the kids are here?" I tried to make my voice sound light, happy because I was glad she had them. I really wanted to see them; it was crazy, but I missed them too. Though I didn't figure she'd want to wake them up this late.

Her gaze broke from mine briefly as she glanced up the stairs. "Of course they are. Where else would they b— Oh." Her expression hardened. Anger flashed in her blue eyes and it made me smirk on the inside. "_He_ had them last night. He doesn't get them tonight."

"Well good," I tried to soothe her.

"But they're asleep," she continued. "So if you came over here to yell at me, I'm gonna have to ask you to keep it down." Her tone was teasing, but I could hear the seriousness behind it. She actually believed I was...

Fucking _wonderful_. I was such a dickhead. I shook my head and sighed, locking eyes with her.

"I didn't come here to yell at you, Bella," I said softly.

"You...didn't?"

_Christ_, what had I done to this girl?

"No, I didn't." I smiled at her, hoping she would see my sincerity. I fucking needed her to see it. "I...wanted to see you. Hoped you'd let me in. I, uh, I have something for you."

"You do?" She suddenly looked like a child. Excitement and trepidation both seemed to take her over. "Oh right. You said something about music?"

"Yes," I nodded, reaching in my coat pocket to feel the cool plastic of the cd case. _I have so much more for you, though,_ I thought to myself, but not yet divulging that information, baby steps. I tentatively pulled the cd out and held it in my hand, just standing there like an idiot not sure what to do next. Hand it to her? Would she want me to leave? I fucking hoped not. I wanted to see her reaction as she listened; see if it affected her as it had me when I listened to it.

"Is that it?" She pointed to the case in my hand. I nodded. "Well, can I...can I see it?" I handed it to her silently. She looked it over, then her eyes met mine again, confused. "There's nothing written on it."

"I know." I smiled, trying to convey warmth, but if I was being honest, I was nervous as hell for what I was about to say. "That's because everything I need to say, well, is inside. The lyrics..." I trailed off. "Uh, anyway, Bella, I know...I know you said you needed time, but..." Her eyes widened slightly but she didn't say a word, and I was wishing I knew what was going through that beautiful head of hers. "Would you just listen to it? I mean, if you don't want to, I understand."

"No, I want to, I..." she said at my hesitation, but then paused herself.

"It's me," I cut in quickly, before she had a chance to put a 'but' at the end of that sentence. "Singing. I...I didn't write it, I just did a cover...because I kind of wanted to sing it to you, but...I...didn't bring my guitar." _No shit, dumbass. Like she couldn't figure that out for herself_. "So, if you don't like it, I...have the original song. You could listen to that. It's...good." _God,_ I sounded like such a fucking moron. Broken sentences, stuttering all over myself. My confidence level was falling by the goddamned second. And when she merely nodded in response to my word vomit, I told her the other reason, the main reason I put my voice on a disc for her. "Also, I, uh, I figured you might not want me to stay, so... I can...I can go, if you want." She swallowed thickly, her eyes wide again. And then she said the one thing I was willing to give anything to hear.

"No, I don't want you to go." She said it almost inaudibly, but it put a stupid grin on my face just the same as if she would've shouted it from the rooftop. This was progress, and I was willing to take what I could get.

"Okay," I replied just as quietly, nodding. The stupid grin was still intact.

"Let's go in here." She pointed to the living room. "Let me take your coat, Edward."

The stupid fucking grin wasn't going anywhere. My coat was off in the blink of an eye, and I was staying.

As she put the cd into the stereo, I sat on the sofa and just watched her. My entire body was boiling over with so much emotion, I wasn't sure what to do with myself. I was ecstatic that she was willing to listen - at least to the song - and willing to let me stay, at least for a little while. But I was freaking the fuck out. Worried that she would hate it; that she wouldn't understand what I was trying to say to her, that she would ask me to leave when it was over. I tried to keep myself in check, though, tearing my eyes away from her long enough to have a look at the enormous Christmas tree, not filled with generic, store-bought ornaments, but with items from her past. Hand-made ornaments from when she was growing up, ones that had been given to her, I assumed, and things her kids had made at school. It made me feel an immense sadness that I'd been out of her life for so long and not a part of the memories adorning her tree. I hoped to rectify that tonight. There were so many memories to be made, and I planned on making them with her. Regardless of what had happened between us, the secrets and lies. None of that mattered as long as I could have her. I did wonder, briefly, if Captain Douche had helped her with decorating it, but I buried that thought as soon as it presented itself.

Fuck him.

I was here and he was not.

I noticed the plate of cookie crumbs and glass of milk. It made me chuckle; pride swelled inside me thinking of just what an amazing mother she was. But that feeling didn't come without the stab of pain in my chest, knowing she actually was the mother of one of my children. One I'd never known. I could've let that feeling consume me. It wanted to, but I didn't. Instead, I watched her as she turned toward me with another shy smile and curled up on the sofa a few feet from me. That hurt a little, but what did I expect, for her to just hop in my lap? Baby steps.

"That's a nice touch," I offered her a smile and pointed toward the plate. She giggled a little and shrugged. That sound was music to my ears.

"Gotta do what ya gotta do, right?"

I nodded and, as I heard the first few chords of my own guitar come through the speakers, I began to panic a little. I closed my eyes and leaned forward, placing my forehead against the heels of my hands. I couldn't look at her. I was terrified of what I'd see on her face, but I prayed like a lunatic that she wouldn't turn it off in the middle of the song and tell me to get the fuck out. I wasn't sure how long I stayed like that, hunched over like some scared little boy, but the song played on and I hadn't heard a peep from her. Had she fallen asleep? _God_, that would've killed me. But suddenly I felt something.

Fingers. Her fingers, touching my hair...caressing, moving down to my hands, which were blocking her view of my face. I snapped my head up in shock and there she was. Right in front of me. She was on her knees; her hands were grasping mine now and I grasped back, holding onto them for dear life. Her blue eyes were brilliant, but red-rimmed and watery. Tears were streaming down her cheeks and she was shaking her head.

"Bella?" I whispered, unable to make a sound for the giant lump that had formed in my throat. _Goddamn it_, I hated seeing her so upset. "What is it? What's the matter?"

"I don't," she said brokenly. I didn't understand.

"You don't what? Please don't cry. Talk to me." She took a shuddering breath and blew it out. It washed over me and I used every ounce of strength I had to not pull her to me and kiss her...hard.

"I don't...I don't need any time, Edward. I never needed time from you. I lied. I'm so sorry."

_Jesus Christ_. My heart felt like it was going to explode from my chest. My hands reached up, framing her beautiful face as I shushed her.

"Thank God," I whispered, not even sure why I said that out loud. I couldn't help but be thankful that, for once my prayers to whomever was up there listening were answered. I also could no longer keep myself from leaning my forehead against hers and letting out a relived sigh as she cried. "Shh, it's okay. Baby, it's okay," I repeated, kissing her nose and then her forehead, and tilting her head back to make her look at me. "Don't be sorry, don't be sorry."

"But I am, Edward. For everything I've done to you. The baby, I—" Before she could say anything else, I pressed my lips to hers. She seemed stunned at first, frozen. But just as quickly she melted into me, wrapping her arms around my neck and pulling me impossibly closer. I reveled in the feel of her soft lips on mine. The kiss was frantic at first. All the time wasted, not being together these past few weeks came to a head in this one moment. I wanted to consume her, right then and there, but I knew it was too soon. Still, I parted her lips with mine, licking her top one softly and sucking it between mine. Her answering moan turned my insides into liquid fire. My dick swelled and strained against my zipper to the point of pain, and I knew if this continued, I was going to fuck her right here in the middle of her living room, and that just wasn't going to work for me tonight. Not tonight.

Her tongue darted out, licking my lips, mingling with my own, and I groaned. She was killing me, literally. I was going to have a heart attack...a massive stroke...pulmonary embolism...okay, maybe be I was being a little over dramatic with that, but I digress. It was a damned good kiss, and I didn't want to stop.

Nevertheless, I pulled away slightly, leaning my forehead against hers again and trying to catch my breath. I couldn't resist her, though, as she pulled on my jaw with those delicate hands of hers, so I placed my lips on hers again. Softly this time, gently. She didn't try to rush it, only kissed me back with the same gentleness. I didn't have to tell her we needed to slow down, she just knew. So when I pulled back a second time and held just under her chin with the tips of my fingers, it was I who had to struggle with the tears that sprung up in my eyes suddenly. She was just so incredibly beautiful that it was overwhelming. The blue in her irises was so bright and full of fire, it stole my breath. I took in every inch of her face; brushed my lips over her eyelids as she closed them, and the tip of her nose, her chin. When I reached the pulse point of her neck, she did something I wasn't expecting. She crawled up into my lap, curling her legs to the side and folding herself into me as she nuzzled my neck...like a child would do. A child needing comfort and security, love and trust, and every single goddamned thing she deserved from me. Once again I was overwhelmed by her. She filled me up to the point of flowing over. Yeah, I'd gone from barren, empty, to 'my cup runneth over' in a matter of minutes. And _tha_t was what she did to me...every single time.

"Baby, I've missed you so much." I struggled to keep my voice steady. "When you said you needed time, it...devastated me."

"I'm sorry," she whispered into my neck.

I shook my head. "Stop saying you're sorry. _I'm_ sorry. Bella, what I did at the mall...my behavior was deplorable, and I'm so sorry for that." She squeezed me tighter and kissed my neck. The message went straight to my aching dick, but stopped at my heart just long enough to make it palpitate some more.

"I'll stop saying sorry if you will," she said with a slight giggle.

I smiled. "Okay, truce," I replied, wrapping my arms around her delicate frame and giving her a squeeze back. I never wanted to let her go. I thought about just staying here, holding her like this for the rest of the night. I did have something special to give her, though; a couple of something's special actually, so I tucked my arm under her knees and stood, cradling her against me. When I stood her back on her feet, she looked up at me with alarm.

"You're not leaving, right?" And I hadn't thought I could fall in love with this woman any more...but there I was, falling further into this beautiful abyss.

"Not until you make me." I sideways grinned at her and she looked relieved. Amazing. "But I do need to run out to my car." She looked confused, so I continued. "I have more for you than just the music, baby." Her lips curled up into a brilliant smile.

"I have something for you too."

I smirked. "Not the loaded gun, I presume."

"That's not funny, Edward." Ah, the spunky Bella was coming back to me. This night was heading in the right direction after all. I kissed her nose, reveling in the soft sigh that escaped her lips.

"Be right back."

"You better," she chided with a quirked eyebrow and I decided even if the fat man himself showed up along with the Easter Bunny and Father fucking Time, I would not be deterred from giving my Bella everything she deserved.

~*fOrSaKeN*~

When I returned from the blistering grip of winter's icy hand, I was thanking my lucky stars that Bella hadn't kicked me out...yet. My car was already covered in a thick blanket of snow, and being so lost in my head preparing for this particular meeting - coupled with the above freezing weather we'd been having lately - I'd completely forgotten that I lent my ice scraper to one of the nurses at work. Of course, that wasn't the only thing I was thankful for.

I found her sitting on the sofa, her hands worrying the strings of her pants nervously, and a small, silver gift bag with tufts of green tissue paper jutting out of the top of it at her feet. I smiled in spite of my own nerves as I walked toward her holding two larger boxes and one gift bag in my left arm...and a small, square box inside my pocket. That was the one I was the most nervous about. Reaching my right hand inside my pocket, I touched it lightly, letting the love I had for her swell inside my chest. _Someday_, I thought; when all this shit was behind us, that little box would hold something even more precious, and I couldn't fucking wait for that day. I was at the point of bursting when I sat before her, a few feet away on the floor, cross-legged, and patted the area in front of me. She complied with my demand, mirroring me. An awkward silence fell over us as she gripped the gift bag tightly between her fingers. She looked so fucking adorable, it was all I could do not to reach over and kiss her soft, pouty lips again. The urge was too great. So I did it anyway.

"Can I go first?" I asked on a heavy breath as I tore my lips from hers. She nodded, biting down on that insanely sexy bottom lip of hers nervously. Hell, I was the one that should've been nervous, and I was. If she hated everything, well that was just going to be fucking awkward. I tentatively handed her the gift bag first. As she picked it up, her blue eyes widened.

"Edward, this is heavy. What..."

"Just open it, baby." I leaned toward her, smiling at her dumbfounded look. She ignored my request, instead pointed at the boxes.

"These aren't all for me...are they?" I chuckled. She was so fucking cute, like a kid at, well, Christmas.

"Actually, no," I said wryly. "Those are for the kids." She stared at the boxes wrapped in snowman paper - I wasn't the best at it, so they kind of looked like shit in my opinion - then at the gift bag in her lap. It was just a simple green bag with red tissue paper. I tried to be a little festive, but it wasn't nearly as pretty as the one she had for me.

For me.

My heart thudded inside my chest. She'd actually gotten me something. Shock wasn't even the word for what I felt. She must've been just as surprised as I was, though, because when her eyes finally drifted back to mine, they were swimming in unshed tears. My stomach did that goddamned twisty thing and I was worried, suddenly, that she was upset that I'd gotten her kids something. Although, I couldn't understand why. Maybe she was thinking about Kellan. Maybe she was upset because she hadn't gotten him anything, but I didn't give a shit about that. She didn't have to. I _wanted_ to get the twins something, and there was no way I was going to let her feel guilty for that.

"I...can't believe you did that," she started. But before she could say another word, I interrupted.

"Stop." I pointed at her gift. "Open it. Please?" She gave me a watery smile and began pulling the tissue paper out. I'd taken special care to wrap the object inside even more, and when she pulled it out and began to unwrap it, I inadvertently held my breath.

"Oh my God!" She gasped audibly and I smiled. "This is...is this..."

"The twins," I answered. Because honestly, who else's little hands, clasped together in a plaster mold, would I have given her...on a marble plaque that said, 'Merry Christmas, Mommy. Love, Robby and Krissy,' no less? But she was excited, bewildered even, so I had to give her a pass on that one.

"But, how did you..." she stopped, her brows crinkling together as she shook her head, studying every inch of it. I had rendered her speechless, and I was a proud motherfucker for that.

"Alice," I answered with a sheepish smile. Her head snapped up; her eyes met mine, and then I was the one rendered speechless. The tears had spilled over. They streamed down her cheeks, following the contours of her beautiful face, but she was...smiling.

"Alice?" she asked, her voice shaking slightly. I leaned into her and cupped her cheeks, wiping at her tears with my thumbs.

"Yes," I whispered. "She brought them to meet me one day, and I bought the kit. We made the mold at her apartment. The kids were...hilarious." I chuckled at the memory.

"Edward, this is incredible." She blinked repeatedly, running her fingers over the inscription. "You don't understand how amazing this is. My babies' little hands, this size…I'll have them forever, just like this." She looked back at me. Fresh tears had returned. "Thank you so, so much, Edward. I can't tell you how much this means to me. I love it."

"You're welcome, Bella," I said proudly. Not really sure what to do, I sat there, staring at her as she gazed at the plaster hands longingly. I started to get up, to retrieve her second gift, but she stopped me.

"No wait! Where are you going?" She didn't give me a chance to respond, instead pulled me toward her and wound her arms around my neck. Our lips met, softly yet furiously as her fingers curled in my hair and her tongue darted out to sweep across mine. The shock of it sent sparks shooting through every blood vessel in my body. My dick came alive again, pulsing and straining, begging to be let free.

Fuck.

I could not take her right here in the middle of her living room. Not with a chance of the kids coming out to see if Santa Claus had shown up. Oh, but I fucking wanted to. Instead, I pulled away again, gasping.

"Bella," I groaned. "You're killing me here."

"Sorry," she said, amused. "But, you're not leaving, right?" I leaned my forehead against hers.

"Baby, I told you. I'm not going anywhere until you make me."

"Okay." She smiled. Her face lit up much like the Christmas tree standing close by. "Then you have to open yours next." She ran her hand down my arm, and even through my shirt, it made me shiver deliciously. She placed the bag right in front of me, sat back, and began to fiddle with a loose string on her t-shirt nervously. "I don't know if you're gonna like it, but..."

"Baby?"

"Yeah?"

"Shut it and let me open my present, okay?" She smiled, nodding shyly, and I didn't care what I had to do for the rest of my life; I'd do it, just to see her lips curl up that way. Without further ado, I tore into the little bag. Whatever. When it came to Christmas presents, I was like a little kid myself and this one was from my girl - yeah, I said _my_ girl - and I wasn't wasting any time to see it. I pulled out a small, white, square box, and when I opened it, my heart skidded to a stop. Inside was a guitar pick, but not just any pick. It was a silver pendant, and there was an inscription. It was incredible. As I picked it up out of the box to get a closer look, I saw that it was attached to an equally brilliant silver chain. Right at that time, Bella cleared her throat.

"It-it's platinum," she said, her voice a little shaky. My eyes widened in shock, and I looked at her briefly before turning my attention back to the pendant. She must've spent a small fortune on it, not that it mattered to me, at all. No, what mattered to me was what I saw etched in the precious metal.

_Edward & Bella_ was written in beautiful script, and I couldn't keep the gigantic, stupid grin from spreading across my face.

"Baby, this is...so beautiful." My voice was just above a whisper. "It takes my breath away, just like you do. Thank you."

"Turn it over," she said softly. I did just that, and if I thought the inscription on the front took my breath away, the one on the back nearly brought tears to my eyes. Thank God I was already on the floor; otherwise, I would've dropped to my knees before her and begged her to be with me until the day I died.

_Two Hearts, One Song _

All I could do was stare at it, and shake my head repeatedly. If Emmett had seen me, he would've calling me a pansy ass motherfucker for sure. But I honestly couldn't have cared less about that shit. He could call me whatever he wanted. I was going to cherish this moment for the rest of my fucking life.

"Do you hate it?" My head snapped up to meet her worried gaze. "I mean, if you think it's cheesy, I'll understand." I shook my head again. She was unbelievable.

"Do I hate it? Are you kidding me? Cheesy?" I lunged at her, pinning her to the floor beneath me and pressing myself into her. She gasped and giggled, squirming a little underneath me. I took a moment to appreciate her. _God_ she was beautiful, and she felt so fucking good against me. "You're insane, ya know that?" She looked confused for a second, and I smiled. "Baby, it's fucking incredible. I love it. And, oh God, I fucking love you. So goddamned much, you have no idea." And then I couldn't help myself. I kissed her. Hard. Her fingers tangled in my hair and she arched into me, moaning and making me rock-fucking-hard again. "Fuck," I muttered as I pulled back, gasping. Yeah, she was going to be the death of me. Hopefully not too soon, though. I had things to do to her tonight.

I rested my forehead on hers and pressed into her again, to show her exactly what she did to me. She whimpered, and the sound went straight to my - once again - aching cock. "Will you put it on me?" I asked, all innocent and shit. She smacked at my chest.

"You're such a tease."

"Patience, baby." Although, I was really saying that more for myself than for her. Because I couldn't fucking wait.

Once she had the necklace clasped, she smiled in approval. "It looks great on you, Edward. I'm so glad you like it." I pulled her to me and kissed her soft lips.

"Not like, Bella, love. I love it. And I love you."

"So much," she whispered. There she went, taking my breath away again. I stood up, lifting her off the floor and wrapping my arms around her.

"I have something else for you," I whispered, squeezing her gently and kissing her forehead.

"I know," she purred as her hand traveled down between us and traced the outline of my hard length. My dick twitched and pulsed. It was agonizing, and I knew she knew it. _Fucking Christ_. She really was killing me. But I smiled wickedly, knowing she wanted me as much as I wanted her.

"You know I'd never deny you that, baby. But, I mean I really do have another gift for you. It's in my jacket."

"Oh, Edward, no." She shook her head. "What you gave me is more than enough. I don't have anything else for you and—"

"Bella," I interrupted. "Shut it. I'll be right back." She just glared at me, that cute, feisty side of her coming out to play, as I chuckled my way to the entry way. I returned to her as quickly as I could, clutching the small, gift-wrapped box in the palm of my hand, but the anxiety was back tenfold. I sat down on the sofa, patting the cushion next to me and swallowing thickly as she sat down with a perplexed expression. As I opened up my hand and reached for hers, placing the small box in her palm, I held my breath yet again. She unwrapped it carefully, not ripping a single piece of the paper, and revealed the square, white box underneath. When she opened the box, which enclosed an even smaller, black velvet one - something most rings came in from what I understood - her reaction was something I should've expected, but wasn't fully prepared for. She gasped, loudly; her hands began to shake so much so that she dropped the box. The little velvet one tumbled out, bouncing off her knee and landing with a soft thud on the carpet below. I was fairly fucking certain that my mouth was hanging open at this point.

"Edward, are you crazy? Are you crazy?" she whisper-yelled. I had to admit, I was a little confused. I was just about to ask her what the hell, when I noticed her eyes, filled with tears, and her expression somewhere between excitement - which I wasn't sure was good or bad - and hysteria. That was when I realized what she thought I was doing.

Fuck.

And what's more, if I _was_ doing what she thought I was doing, based on her initial reaction, my ego was taking a fucking beating. Regardless, I smiled. Chuckling to myself a little, I picked up the velvet box, grabbed her hand, flipped it over palm up, and placed the unfounded source of her anxiety right in the middle. Her hand was still shaking.

"Edward, I'm...I-I don't—"

"Baby," I cupped her cheeks with both hands, leaned in and kissed her hard again, hoping like hell she kept a hold of the little box this time. "Just open it. It's not what you think, I promise." That confused look was back again, along with maybe a tiny bit of chagrin. Ego hit number fucking two. She blew out a slow, cleansing breath, and finally opened the damned box. When her watery eyes fell on the platinum band - made to look as if little waves peaked throughout it - with two violet-blue stones affixed on either side of one of the peaks, her free hand immediately flew to her mouth.

"Edward it's beautiful!" were her muffled words through her hand. I smiled. At least she didn't think I was proposing any more. She looked...relieved. Ego hit number fucking three. Her hand fell from her mouth as her fingers caressed the stones gingerly. "Is it...is it a promise ring?" Okay now I felt like an asshole. Perhaps she _was_ hoping...nah.

"Uh, no actually," I started.

"Oh." And now her expression was unreadable. _Goddamn_. I was starting to get mental whiplash.

"Do you recognize the stone color?" I asked, throwing her a bone. She pulled the ring out gently between her thumb and forefinger and studied it.

"Um, it looks like the twins' birth stone color. Well, one of them anyway. Are these stones Tanzanite?" The grin on my face spread wide. I nodded.

"It's a mother's ring. One stone for each child."

She stared at me for a few seconds, just holding the ring and staring at me. And then I noticed her bottom lip trembling. Fresh tears sprang in her eyes, and when she blinked, they shot down her cheeks like little missiles. I sucked in a sharp breath, immediately to console her, to tell her not to cry, unsure - again - the reason for this severe reaction. But she spoke before I could.

"Y-you got me a mother's ring?" I nodded and looked away, still unsure of what this reaction meant. Suddenly she grabbed my chin, turning my head so that my eyes had nowhere to look but into hers. They were on fire, bright blue flames licking at her pupils. My heart skipped, stuttered, and nearly stopped again at the pure power that look alone had over me. "I've always...I've always wanted one, but..." she trailed off as I gently took the ring and placed it on the third finger of her right hand. I held it in mine. I couldn't seem to let go of her as she continued. "Well, I didn't want to buy one for myself, you know? So-so I waited, but-but I never got one." She sniffled.

"And now you don't have to buy one for yourself," I whispered, bringing her hand up to my lips and kissing softly right on the ring. Her sniffles turned into muffled sobs as she squeezed my hand and reached up with her other one to cup my face. My stomach fucking flipped again.

"Edward, you don't understand how much this... This means so much to me, you don't...you don't understand. Thank you. So much, I—" She gasped as I cut her off mid-sentence with a kiss.

"Baby," I whispered. "Please don't cry. And you don't have to thank me. You deserve this. You're an amazing mother." I felt my heart break a little as I said that, but I pushed it away.

"You-you think I am?" She hiccupped on her sob. I smiled. I was so full of fucking joy and pride that I'd been able to do this for her. Something she deserved so much but had never gotten from that son-of-a-bitch she married.

"Absolutely," I stated simply, leaning in to kiss her tear-drenched lips again. Her hand never left my face as I pulled away and looked down, a little embarrassed, thinking about her reaction to the faux proposal.

"What is it?" she asked.

I chuckled. "Nothing really. It's just that, I know what you were thinking..." I looked into her eyes. "Before you opened it. And, as happy as I am that you love it, I can't help but feel a little...rejected." Her eyes widened. "I gotta say, my ego took a pretty hard hit there." She didn't say anything for what seemed like a lifetime, and I immediately regretted even bringing that shit up. But then she pulled on my jaw.

"Edward, look at me, please." My eyes snapped to hers. "I'll admit it freaked me out, but only for a second." I nodded and tried to look away again, but she held my jaw firm. "But you're crazy if you think I would ever reject you."

"What?" My jaw fell slack. She smiled through her still present tears.

"I would've said yes."

"Yeah?" I felt a rush of energy. I felt all fucking giddy. Like I wanted to jump up and dance a fucking jig or something. What I really wanted to do was take her fine ass to bed, immediately.

She nodded. "Yeah, even with all this craziness around us. Even though I'm not technically divorced yet. You're my home, Edward. You're my shelter, remember? I would've said yes."

Dear God in heaven, I could've died right then. A happy. Fucking. Man.

I pulled her right hand up to my lips again and kissed it. "This looks so beautiful on you. But it doesn't even come close to being as beautiful as you are." She leaned in, touched her lips to mine, and breathed. "And I was thinking," I whispered against her mouth. "That maybe someday, we could, I dunno, we could add another stone or two. What do you think?" She smiled against my lips, took my bottom one between hers - sucking gently and making my dick strain against my fly - pushed me back against the cushions, and straddled me.

_Jesus_, her body felt so good against mine, wrapped around me like that. I wanted to fucking weep with joy. She deepened the kiss, grinding her pelvis against mine, killing me. Our tongues mingled and danced, sending shards of pleasure shooting through every inch of me, piercing my resolve like a scalpel to delicate skin. I moaned. I couldn't fucking help it. I was aching for her. Her lips broke free of mine and moved along my jaw delicately until they reached the crest of my ear, ghosting over it and making my flesh quiver with excitement.

"Bella," I whispered. My hands roamed her back, up to her neck, her hair - where I gently pulled the tie out, letting the thick strands fall over my arms - and down to her ass as I pressed her against me. She gasped.

"Say you'll stay," she whispered. Her breath washed over the side of my face, my ear. The feeling was fucking indescribable.

"I'll stay," I whispered back immediately.

"Promise me. Promise you'll stay all night."

"Baby, I promise." I brushed her hair out of the way and pressed my lips to her exquisite neck. "I'm not going anywhere."

She rocked her hips into me again and I groaned. "Fuck."

Her lips met mine again with incredible passion. I could feel everything, all of her emotions, all of her fears. It was overwhelming. She pulled away, gasping, but our foreheads seemed to be fused together.

"I love you, Edward. I need you," she cooed breathily.

"Oh, Bella, I love you too, so much." I hugged her to me, tucking her head in the crook of my neck. "But we can't do this here, baby."

"I know," she replied. She kissed my neck, ground herself into my hardness again, making me gasp. She then stood up gingerly.

I followed, not wanting any distance between us, and lifted her against me. She wrapped her legs around my waist; my fingers dug into her hips as she took my jaw between her lips. I turned my head, capturing them with my own and tracing them with my tongue. She whimpered.

"Please, Edward."

I looked into her fiery eyes. "Are you sure about this?"

"More than you can imagine," she whispered in response. Nothing else needed to be said.

As she led me to her bedroom, her hand never breaking contact with mine, she stopping along the way to peek quietly into the kids' rooms. When we reached hers, she shut the door and locked it, turning to me with a look that said she knew exactly what she wanted. No more questioning.

We came together slowly. Hands caressing, lips exploring skin. There would be no rushing this. I lifted her shirt off gently, skimming my fingers across her heaving chest, cupping and ghosting my thumbs over her beaded nipples. She arched her back and sighed, stretching up to kiss me fervently. I groaned into her mouth as her hand roamed downward, cupping me between us.

"I've missed you," she said.

I reached around her, unclasping the white lace that hugged her and slid the straps off of her shoulders, watching hungrily as she let the material fall to the floor. I palmed her soft mounds gently and dipped down to take a taut peak into my mouth. She gasped, curling her fingers into the back of my hair. The sensation had me reeling. I let go and took the other one, letting my tongue caress and swirl around it.

"Edward," she gasped again, digging her fingers into my scalp. It felt fucking incredible. I popped my mouth off of her sensitive flesh, kissing my way up to her lips.

"Baby, I've missed you too. So much," I whispered against them.

She smiled and began to unbutton my shirt, slowly, methodically, and pushed it off my arms. She dipped her fingers under my t-shirt and pushed it up, scraping her nails along the ridges of my chest and torso.

_Fuck._

I pulled it over my head quickly, wanting to see her hands on me. Watching her fingers slide lower, tickling, fucking teasing, and dipping behind my waistband. I was dying for her. Aching, pulsing, and twitching with the carnal need to be inside her. Her fingers nimbly opened the button and unzipped my jeans as my breaths came quicker and sharper. As if she harbored some murderous plot to unravel me tonight, she tucked her hand inside my boxer briefs and wrapped her fingers around my hard-as-steel shaft.

I hissed through my clenched teeth. Oh, fuck..._fuck_, it was too much.

I dropped to my knees in front of her, disconnecting her hand from my aching cock. It was bittersweet, but I couldn't let her continue that. Not yet. I was wound so fucking tight, it was a guarantee that I would come right then and there, merely from her touch.

I hooked my thumbs inside the waist of her pants and panties, ripping then down swiftly. She grabbed hold of my bare shoulders, lifting each leg for me obediently as I removed the offending fabric from her body completely. My eyes absorbed every inch of her as I knelt before her. She was fucking exquisite, and I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that this, on my knees in front of her, was exactly where I belonged.

Without hesitation, I palmed her sexy, round ass and pulled her toward me, placing open-mouth kisses on each hip bone, her abdomen, and below. She moaned, digging her fingernails into my shoulders as my lips caressed the top of her sex. Her scent was intoxicating. It brought me to the brink of explosion, but I couldn't stop myself from tasting.

"Ohhhhh, _God_," she cried softly. And as my tongue reached her sensitive, hidden bud, her legs gave out, a curse whispered on her breath. I wrapped my arms around her and stood, pulling her naked body against me and lifting her as her legs automatically wrapped around my waist. Her wet heat emanated through me, and set my skin on fucking fire.

I walked us to the bed, laying her down gently in the middle and hovering over her. Her feet inched up to my waist, pushing the material down as I shimmied out of them and kicked them, along with my shoes, off onto the floor. I crawled back over her, lowering myself and moaning softly, reveling in the feel of her skin against mine, fully and completely.

My dick was rejoicing, pulsing and weeping, but I mentally told it to shut the fuck up. Because this shit was going to last. If it killed me, I was going to make this last and I would die a happy man, knowing I made love to her the way she deserved...all night. I kissed her, gently at first, and then deeper, exploring her mouth with my tongue, and she reciprocated. Every lick, every suck, every groan and gasp of mine, she met equally. I broke the kiss, but her flesh was too enticing, so I moved on to her nose, her forehead, eyelids, her jaw. She giggled as I nibbled on her ear lobes and scratched lightly along my back. Little sparks of pleasure enveloped me with every pass of her nails across my skin.

She moaned and arched into me as I suckled on her neck and collarbone. My dick twitched and I growled, taking the skin of her neck gently between my teeth. She arched again.

"_Jesus_, baby, please," I begged her. "I have to do this slowly, or I won't last."

"I'm sorry," she breathed heavily. "I just need you."

I kissed her entire body. Arms, chest, stomach...the palms of her hands, each delicate finger. I kissed the ring again. I kissed the soles of her feet, her ankles and calves. I lifted each of her legs to kiss behind her knees and lingered on her inner thighs. Her fingers twisted and curled in my hair the whole time. I kissed her pelvis again and back up her torso, taking extra time with each of her incredible fucking breasts, making her whimper with need, and up to her chin.

The heat was fucking palpable. I was more than ready for her, and she was more than ready for me. She opened her knees wide for me and I entered her. Painstakingly slowly, I filled her completely and I stilled. Our chests were heaving as my lips met hers softly, mouths opened and tongues touching only briefly. I tried to swallow around the huge lump in my throat as I rested my forehead on hers and lost myself in feeling every bit of her from the inside out.

"I love you," I whispered as I began to thrust. Shards of pleasure ricocheted through every space within my body.

"Oh, Edward," she gasped. "I love you too. So much." And I decided at that moment, that I would live to make love to her slowly for the rest of my goddamned life.

My hands framed her face, my thumbs brushing lovingly across her brow as her fingers danced across my jaw, my cheeks, buried in my hair and scratched along my shoulder blades. With every thrust, our lips met, our tongues licked and explored. Deeply and passionately at times, softly and gently at others.

I could hardly take it anymore. Her sounds, her moans and whimpers were sending me spiraling out of control. I felt the tightening in my balls, felt the blood rushing in my groin, and heard the pounding of my pulse in my ears. My tempo increased; her hips met mine with equal fervor, and I snaked my arms behind her, pulling her up with me as I sat back on my haunches, stretching her impossibly more. She cursed breathily and bit down on my shoulder.

"Are you okay?" I breathed. She nodded against my neck.

"More than," she whispered.

I licked the salty, sweet sweat from the dip in her throat, and kissed there, thrusting again and again, capturing her mouth with mine and licking her supple lips. She moaned. Her blunt nails nearly pierced the skin on my back as she dug her fingers in, riding me. I felt her body begin to tense. Her back arched, and I knew she was so close. My muscles were straining. I was about to fucking explode, but I needed to feel her come around me first. Her unadulterated pleasure was my top priority. I kissed across her jaw, up to her ear.

"Let go, baby," I whispered. "Come for me...please...let go."

She bucked against me, trying to throw her head back, but I caught it and held it there to make her look at me. Her body tensed one last time as her thighs tightened around my hips. She began to cry out as her orgasm ripped through her, but I pulled her to me and captured her mouth, muffling her cries and thrusting once, twice, a third and final time as my own pleasure exploded through my body.

"_Bella...Bella, Bella_," I chanted through clenched teeth, trying not to scream her name like I wanted, so fucking much, to do. I gripped her ass tightly against me as I emptied every last drop into her. It was so intense; I could barely catch my breath. Tears sprang to my eyes without warning, and I found myself curling my arms around her small frame, holding tighter than I probably should have. I buried my head in the crook of her neck.

"I fucking love you so much. I'm sorry for hurting you," I choked on my words, praying that I wasn't leaving bruises on her flawless skin.

"Shh, baby, it's okay," she whispered, pulling my head up to look at her. Her blue eyes were shining, watery, but she was smiling. "It's okay. I love you too, Edward. So much. Don't ever let me go."

"I promise," I said, leaning in to kiss her, and kiss some more, and over and over. "Never again, baby."

~*fOrSAKeN*~

_**Chapter end notes: Thanks so much for reading. If you haven't read Tanya's story, you really should. Go check it out on my profile page: "Standing At the Crossroads" and you'll have a better understanding of her background, and Kate's. **_

_**If you're interested in seeing teasers, pictures, discussing, venting (Lol), etc. etc. Please go find me on Facebook, link's on my profile…tell me who you are (that you're a reader) and I will enthusiastically add you to my group.**_

_**More fluff and lovin' ahead…for a while. ;-) Until next time! XOXOXO **_


	58. Chapter 54, An Imperfect Man

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past  
Chapter 54, An Imperfect Man**

_**A/N: Mad love to all of your who've stuck around, continued to read, left amazing reviews and just been all-around awesome. Ya rock, that is all. P.S. Erick Baker is my new crush. His music is PHENOMENAL. Check out the song on my FB group tonight. **_

_**Major mad love to my betas, who continue to put up with my crazinesss and help me make my blathering actually readable. I heart you both…hard. **_

_**I do not own the Twilight characters, nor do I own the songs used in this fic. But I hope you enjoy the twisted roller coaster ride I've created. Remember to keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times until it comes to a full and complete stop. The crazy plot below, I do own. So please respect.**_

_**Song: Unbroken Promise~ Erick Baker**_

~*fOrSaKeN*~

"_Baby, take off your coat. And I'll loosen my tie,  
Well, you are far too beautiful for us to turn off the lights,  
Your December skin, and a trail of our clothes,  
You can keep your socks on if your feet are cold,_

_But I don't want to have to ask permission,  
Give me a chance, it won't be perfect,  
Just and unbroken promise from an imperfect man,_

_Your red wine tongue; my sudden loss of breath,  
You like the sound of my heartbeat…  
when you lay your head on my chest,_

_But I don't want to have to ask permission,  
Give me a chance, it won't be perfect,  
Just and unbroken promise from an imperfect man,_

_So draw all the curtains; all the goodbyes are gone,  
Love found through love gone wrong,  
And unbroken promise from this imperfect man,  
To love you the best that I can,_

_So baby, please take off your coat. Oh, and I'll turn on the lights,  
'Cause, baby, I made plans to stay the rest of my life."_

~*fOrSaKeN*~

_~Edward~_

My girl was quiet after a while of us lying in her bed, bundled up with our arms and legs intertwined. I knew she wasn't sleeping, though. I could tell by her breathing. They weren't steady, restful breaths, and her body seemed a little tense. It put me on edge. I didn't know what was wrong with her, and I had to make sure that nothing went unsaid tonight. I pulled her impossibly closer to me, her back flush against my chest, and brushed her hair out of the way, kissing her temple.

"Baby, what is it? Talk to me."

She let out a shuddering breath and turned in my arms, looking with trepidation into my eyes. It scared me, but I trusted her to tell me what was going on in her beautiful head. She reached up, brushed a stray hair away from my eyes, and leaned in to place a soft, sensual kiss on my lips. Just when I was about to ask her to talk to me again, she did.

"Tell me about Kendyll. You're adopting her?" Her blue eyes searched mine. Questioning, but I didn't see an ounce of animosity. No anger, just sadness. Maybe sadness because I hadn't shared this with her. Because she had to hear it from someone else. I felt like such a fucking asshole.

"Bella, I know it seems like a lot to take in, but..." I trailed off, unable to look her in the eyes. I was afraid of what I would see there. Afraid she would reject my decision. Reject her, and I wanted them to know each other so much it hurt. "Look, I didn't want to make this decision without you, but I-I ran out of time. Baby, she was going to be tossed aside. Another kid in the system. I just couldn't...I couldn't..."

She placed her hand gently on my cheek and I stopped talking. I lifted my head slightly, resting it on the palm of my hand and locking eyes with her. I didn't want her to see the tears there, just waiting to spill over, but they were there nonetheless, and there wasn't a fucking thing I could do about it. She took a soft breath and smiled sadly. Tears welled in her eyes too, and my newly-mended heart nearly fractured again.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered, her voice cracking. I touched her face with the tips of my fingers and reached up to kiss her forehead.

"Baby, don't be sorry. It's not your fault."

"But it is, Edward. If I would've just—"

"Bella, all I care about now is that one day we can all be a family. You, me, Kellan, Krissy, Robby, and even Kendyll."

"Really? Are you sure?" She sniffed. Her tears had won the battle and spilled over, creating jagged streams down her cheeks. I nodded, swallowing the giant lump in my throat. Goddamn it, I hated seeing her in pain like this.

"One hundred percent."

She smiled and a couple more tears squeezed their way through her eyelids. "Can I tell you something?" she asked, a little apprehensive.

"Of course. Anything."

"Kellan is so great. He's amazing, actually. But..."

My heart thudded to a stop. What was she about to tell me? "It hurts...right now...to see him." Her face suddenly reflected the same thing mine had earlier. Fear that I wouldn't understand. But I did understand., completely. "I still remember the day I found out about him." She shook her head as if to ward off the memory that must have been devastating to her.

"Bella," I started, trying to find the right words. "I know. Don't you think I feel the same way when I see the twins?" She seemed to breathe a sigh of relief. "But I know I can love them. I already do, because they're a part of you." She pulled me towards her; her arms like vice grips around my shoulders, and it felt like home. "Can I tell you something now?" I asked, pulling back to look into her eyes. She replied just as I had. "That day at the park, when Krissy went missing." Her eyes flashed and darkened, but I continued. "My world almost ended. My heart stopped, and baby…that's when I knew. There's nothing I wouldn't do for those kids. Nothing at all."

She smiled, that brilliant, watery-eyed smile and my heart lodged itself in my throat. I couldn't speak. I didn't need to say anything else, though. She said it all with those three little words that I longed to hear from her for the rest of my life. All I could do was crush her body to mine, kiss her deeply, and roll us over so that I was hovering above her again.

"I need you," she whispered, looking up at me, caressing my face with her fingertips and sending sparks of pleasure and joy through every inch of me. That was all I needed to hear. All I would ever need to hear. And, as I made love to her again, I silently thanked every god, every goddess, Mother Earth…hell, even Santa Claus, that this night had, in fact, turned in to a very, very long one.

~*fOrSaKeN*~

I woke in a haze. That kind of half-asleep/half- awake state where my eyes were still fused shut but I could hear sounds. I wasn't sure if they were real sounds or if I was dreaming, but one thing was for certain. I heard giggling. Sort of faint, but definite giggling, and I felt a light tickle on my nose. I swiped at whatever that was...and more giggling ensued. My eyelids blinked and I squinted, opening one eye a fraction, enough for a bright light to stream into it and feel like my retina was being scorched.

I groaned and tried to roll over in the bed, but something was obstructing my movement...something soft and cushiony. I felt another tickle near my ear and swiped that away as well, but there was nothing there except the sound of more giggling. Racking my brain, I decided that, in my hazy state, I might as well try to figure out what the fuck was going on. And then it hit me...like a bolt of lightning.

The night before...

Bella's house...

The gifts...

Bella's body; her hands caressing, lips touching, tongues tasting...

I stayed the night, just like I'd promised, like I would always promise. So, that meant I was still here...with her. I rolled back over, eyes still closed, but my mouth curled up into a mischievous grin.

"Bella," I whispered, reaching out for her, but my hands just touched air. The giggles fell silent, but a sudden cackle of laughter had me blinking my eyes furiously to get them open.

"He said 'Bella,'" a little, tinkling voice said. "I think he wants to talk to mommy."

Yeah...again...bolt of lightning moment. _Shit_.

A sudden image of Bella's smiling face reluctantly kicking me out of her bed at, what had to be, at least two o'clock in the morning flooded my mind. I watched her, still aroused and hungry for her, as she had gathered up a pillow and blankets for me and nearly buckled my knees with another searing kiss before sending me off to the sofa.

So, to recap...amazing, mind-blowing sex with my girl, and then I was exiled to the living room so the kids wouldn't catch us in bed together. _Awesome_. And there I was a circus sideshow for said kids as they obviously tickled me and then laughed about it. _Little punks_. But there was no way I could be upset about it; I was pretty sure my hair had to have resembled a clown of some sort. Still, I squeezed my eyes shut, trying not to think about how fucking awkward this was.

One of them gasped. "Hey Robby, do you think he's Santa Claus?" Ah, Krissy, of course. I pressed my lips together, trying not to laugh, pretending to be asleep still.

"He's not Santa,_ duh_, Krissy. He doesn't even look like him!" Robby, the one who looked the most like his mom, blurted. Well, at least I didn't look like a swollen, hundred-year-old man. That was a plus.

"But, member that movie we watched...with Santa and Kris Krinkle? Santa had red hair..._duh!_ Look at his hair!"

"He isn't Santa. Look..." I felt a poke on my stomach. _Um, ouch_. "He doesn't have a big fat belly, and his face isn't even round like a bowl of grape jelly, like that book says! Besides, his hair isn't even the same color, dumb-dumb."

I couldn't fucking help it. I laughed at that one. One thing was certain those twins were most definitely entertaining. They both sucked in a breath, as apparently my chuckling startled them – go figure – and when my lids finally opened, I found myself staring at Bella's vaulted ceiling.

"Edwarrrrrd?" That was definitely Krissy. I cut my eyes to the side as I saw the top of her dark, wavy hair – sticking out in all directions – approach me timidly. I smiled warmly at the beautiful little thing.

"Hey, sweetheart." My voice was gravelly and rough with sleep.

"Hi, Edwarrrrrd!" She giggled again. "Why are you at my house...sleeping on my sofa-cushies?"

Oh boy. It was way too early, at least I thought it was, for my groggy brain to think of a logical excuse. But then I remembered the snow storm. I sat up slowly, realizing that I was naked from the waist up and clad in only my boxer briefs below, so I quickly gathered the thick quilt I'd been hibernating in around my midsection. Robby plopped down next to me and began bouncing on the seat. I was pretty sure he was more excited about the day than seeing me, but he seemed happy enough.

"Hey, Edward. Whatcha doing here?"

I scrubbed my eyes with the heels of my hands, running them through my unruly hair and scratching. _Jesus_, it felt like someone had taken a crowbar to my neck. _Think...think._ While turning my head this way and that, trying – to no avail – to get the fucking crick out of it, I caught a glimpse out the window. Christ, it was still dark outside.

"What time is it?" I yawned.

"I dunno," Robby hopped off the sofa with entirely too much energy, and padded into the kitchen quickly. Seconds later, he trotted back into the room and hopped back on the cushion next to me...two chocolate chip cookies in hand. He crammed one in his little mouth, and shoved the other one toward me.

"Are you supposed to be eating these?" I asked, taking a bite. Robby shrugged, chewed some more, then swallowed. He had chocolate smeared all over his mouth.

"I'm hungry," he said simply, licking his lips. Didn't really make a difference to the chocolate on his cheeks.

"Hey! Where's mine, Ro_bert_?" Krissy frowned. I had to admit, she looked so cute when she did that...and resembled her mother.

The boy shrugged again. "These are man cookies."

"Is not!" she whined.

"Okay, okay," I picked her up and sat her next to me on the other side. She giggled again. "Sweetie, I'll go get you a cookie, alright?" She nodded and stuck her bottom lip out, giving me these irresistible puppy-dog eyes. I shook my head and smirked. When she got older, those poor boys weren't going to know what hit them. Wrapping the blanket around me as I stood, I walked into the kitchen to retrieve a cookie – fully understanding that Bella was probably going to kick my sorry ass – for the little princess. As I picked it up, I glanced at the clock. It was six-fucking-fifteen in the morning.

_Oh hell no_.

"Guys," I half-whined as I made my way back to the living room. "It's..._really_ early. The sun hasn't even woke up yet." Krissy hopped up off the sofa and snatched the cookie out of my hand, bouncing on the balls of her feet and reminding me of a certain overly energetic aunt of hers.

"But it's Christmas, Edwarrrrrd! And you still didn't say why you was at my house on Christmas!" She sang the word like she was in an opera. I laughed.

"Well," I cleared my throat. "I came over last night to visit your mom, and you, but you guys were sleeping..."

"'Cause we were waiting for Santa Claus," Robby interrupted, pumping his fist in the air reminiscent of Bender in the last scene of The Breakfast Club. Yeah, I laughed again.

"Anyway, I wanted to give her, uh, her presents..."

"_Ooooooooh_, did you give her the one with our squishy hands? That was so gross!" Krissy squealed. Robby made a gagging sound.

I nodded. "Yes, and she loved it. And I'm so proud of you guys for keeping it a secret." Krissy beamed at me. Robby had taken to doing some karate moves I wasn't even familiar with.

"So, then...I got stuck here because...guess what?" I widened my eyes and grinned.

The twins' eyes matched mine as they both said, "What?" in unison.

"It snowed," I said, smiling, "a lot."

They gasped, ran to the huge picture window and squealed, loudly. It made me cringe. But it was so damned cute. But it was _loud_. I glanced up the stairs wondering if – hoping that, rather – Bella would come down and make them stop being so...loud. But she didn't. _Shit._

"Hey, guys...guys," I tried to chide them gently. That shit didn't even faze them.

"And you know what else, Edwarrrrrd?" Krissy cooed with her adorable baby-like voice. Of course, she didn't give me a second to respond. "Santa Claus came!" she exclaimed, pointing toward the tree and running over to reveal to me – Vanna White-style – a giant Disney Princess castle that the little girl could probably live in herself.

"Look at this, Edward!" Robby said with equal excitement as he jumped on the large red and black mat – with little footprints showing proper stances, and the brand _Black Belts_ in large print across it – punching his little fist into the kick bag that was nearly as tall as he was.

I chuckled. Indeed, Santa had come, or in other words, Edward and Bella Claus, since I helped her put the things together a few hours before...delirious and exhausted to say the least. But the fruits of our labor paid off, apparently, if the twirling around and fist-pumping was any indication.

"Wow!" My eyes widened in faux surprise. "You must've been very good this year."

Krissy stopped twirling abruptly and eyed me, her little head cocked to the side, studying. "Edwarrrrrd? You're not Santa Claus, are you?" Robby was oblivious to his sister's curiosity this time, instead kicking and punching and saying, "Edward, watch this!"

I grabbed my chest, letting my mouth fall open and shaking my head...appalled that she would ask me such a ridiculous question. Well, that was what I was trying to convey anyway. "Of _course_ not, sweetheart." I grabbed my chin. "No beard..." I patted my belly. "Well, it's bigger than it used to be, but I'm not _that_ fat, am I?"

She giggled, and then looked at me seriously. "Did you eat some of Santa's cookies?" _Oops, busted_. Because I had to admit, I definitely ate some of that shit.

"No way! I would never eat Santa's cookies," I lied. But it seemed to satisfy her as she smiled and nodded.

"Come see my princesses!"

_Kill me now_.

"Hey Edward, look at this!" I turned to see Robby do this spinny-thing to try and kick the bag, but fell right on his little ass. I hopped up without thinking and plucked him off the mat, only to hear Krissy's squeal again.

"Edwarrrrrd! I see your underpants!"

Like I said, _kill me now_.

"Shit!" I muttered, grabbing for the blanket and wrapping it around myself.

"Oh no, you said a_ baaaaaad_ word. Now you gotta put a hundred dollars in the swear jar, Edwarrrrrd!"

I looked at her. This little girl was as serious as a heart attack. And then I laughed...hard. "Swear jar? A hundred doll— kid, you hang around me enough, and you're gonna make a fortune!" She cocked her head to the side, perplexed, which only made me laugh harder.

Looking around, I finally found my jeans tucked underneath the quilt at the end of the sofa, and pulled them on swiftly – under the blanket I had around me, of course.

"C'mon, we gotta go get Mommy!" Krissy grabbed my hand and tugged. "So we can open our presents!" She sang the last word.

"Yeah, presents!" Robby cried with another punch and kick to the poor bag. I chuckled. Wasn't really sure that inflatable thing was going to last very long with his energy level.

"Maybe we should let Mommy sleep a little while longer. She was up late, and I bet she's really tired," I offered, smirking on the inside because, oh, she was definitely exhausted.

Krissy's eyes widened. "Do you think she saw Santa?" she asked in awe.

I shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe."

"No way!" Robby exclaimed. "Santa's way too fast, and he's magic. Like a ninja!"

I shook my head and laughed, knowing the kid was going to love what I got him.

~*fOrSaKeN*~

An hour later, I'd dozed off a few times while watching the kids play, only to be awakened each time to participate. Said participation consisted of being crowned 'Prince Edward the forty-second' – whatever that meant – by 'Princess Kristen' as she was calling herself, and having to break up a near brawl when Robby proclaimed that I was not a prince, but Kung Fu master (which I secretly liked better, if I was being honest). Needless to say, I was more than ready for their mom to wake up.

"Okay, it's time," I announced standing up. The twins stopped abruptly and stared at me. "How 'bout we go get your mommy?"

The bouncing up and down ensued along with shouts of delight. I bent down, scooping 'Princess Kristen' up and over my shoulder as she squealed and kicked her little feet, giggling. Then I turned and scooped up the little ninja in the other arm, carrying them both up the stairs like a couple sacks of potatoes while they giggled loudly as I sang 'Santa Claus is Coming To Town.'

Bella hadn't stirred at all by the time we got up there, and she looked so peaceful that I felt a pang of guilt for letting even the twins wake her up. Still, I leaned against the door frame and watched in awe as the kids, while rambunctious monkeys with me, crawled gently onto her bed and began stroking her hair and her face, whispering sweetly for her to wake up. She groaned and rolled over, blinking her eyed rapidly and smiling when she saw her babies.

"Mommy, wake up!" Krissy squealed when she saw Bella's eyes were finally opened. "Santa came! And look! We found Edwarrrrrd!"

Bella's sleepy but gorgeous blue eyes cut to mine and even from where I was standing, I could see the blush creep into her cheeks. She smiled at me apologetically, but all I could do was grin like an idiot and shake my head, silently telling her not to worry; that all was well. I really just wanted to crawl into bed with her and hold her.

Another time.

I ushered the kids out and sent them back down to their awaiting presents, turning to my baby long enough to give her a quick kiss and squeeze on her sexy ass, and then left her so she could dress.

Pride swelled in my chest again as I watched the twins open the gifts I gave them. A Little Mermaid princess dress-up outfit thing for Krissy, along with some tickets to Disney On Ice, and a real karate gi complete with yellow belt for Robby. I figured I'd give him a step up from the beginner white belt for his enthusiasm. Little Krissy jumped into my lap and gave me a kiss on my cheek, making my heart swell to the point of bursting. She snatched the outfit and immediately ran from the room and up the stairs to put it on. Robby froze when he opened his. His little eyes wide and his mouth a distinct 'O'.

"Wow! Mom, look!" he finally spoke – well, shouted, actually. "A real karate uniform! This is so cool!" He ran over to me and threw his arms around my neck, startling me a little. I looked over at Bella, wide-eyed, and she smiled broadly, nodding her head as if to tell me I nailed it. Yeah, I was a proud motherfucker at that moment. "Thank you, Edward!"

"You're welcome, buddy," I replied, patting his back gingerly. He hopped down and began putting it on over his pj's. "It's called a 'gi'," I said as he walked over to me again and handed me the belt. I tied it around his waist. "And if you let me teach you sometime, there are more belts where this came from." The little guy jumped up and threw his fist in the air again. I heard Bella giggling.

"Yessss! I'm gonna be a black belt, Mom! Edward's gonna teach me Kung Fu!"

Bella giggled again. "Yes, honey, but you have to listen to him. Got it?" He nodded.

"And how 'bout some Jiu Jitsu, instead of just Kung Fu?" I chuckled.

"Yeah, got it...Jit su-su!" I laughed at his mispronunciation as he spun around and kicked his leg out. He landed it smack in the middle of the bag, which swayed to the side but popped right back up. I was impressed. Had to admit, for never having been taught anything, the kid has some skills.

About that time, Krissy came dancing down the stairs, in her Princess Ariel garb – yeah I did my homework – and began twirling around in front of us. She couldn't move her arms, though, as they were affixed to a bright red pillow case she'd apparently found and draped over her head to give herself red hair, like the character.

"Look at me!" She spun around again. "I'm a princess! And I have red hair like her too!" I stole a glance at Bella, whose eyes flashed dangerously. _Uh-oh_. Krissy moved her arms down to do some princess-y wave thing, and the pillowcase fell to the floor. "Mommy!" she whined. "Fix it!"

Bella picked it up and eyed it precariously. "Krissy, you don't need this thing, your hair is beautiful just the way it is."

"But I wanna look like Ariel!" The child whined some more.

Bella huffed. "Okay, fine. Go and get me some bobby pins." Krissy squealed in delight and flew back up the stairs with lightning speed. Shaking her head, my girl looked over at me. "All the Disney princesses there are, and my daughter just _has_ to be in love with the redhead."

"Well," I said, leaning in to whisper in her ear with a mischievous grin, "I've heard some nasty rumors about that Ariel from the other princesses. I think her reign is coming to an end soon."

"I hope not too soon!" She laughed and smacked my arm playfully. It made me fucking giddy in the manliest sort of way. "I spent a fortune on that stuff!" We shared a moment. A brief moment, and oh how I wanted to pull her to me and just kiss her senseless. But that obviously wasn't going to happen right now. Not with the little ninja eyes staring in our direction. We both cleared our throats and turned away from each other quickly.

Someday soon, I hoped, we wouldn't have to hide it.

~*fOrSaKeN*~

It did make me feel a bit like the king of the world when, as I was preparing to leave, the kids begged me to stay and eat green eggs and ham with them.

"G-green eggs and ham?" I questioned. Apparently, Bella made them this special breakfast every Christmas day. Honestly, the thought grossed me out a little. I may or may not have made a gagging sound.

"It's just food coloring, Edward," Bella said, rolling her eyes. I might have gagged again. "You handle blood and guts nearly every day, and you couldn't handle a little green eggs?" Well, when you put it that way... But Bella explained to the twins that I needed to spend Christmas with my family, and that Kellan and Kendyll were probably missing me. It made my heart lodge in my throat that she'd mentioned Kendyll.

"Mommy, I wanna see Kellan Kellan!" Krissy announced. "Can we go see him? Who's Kendyll?"

"Yeah, I wanna see Kellan too!" Robby yelled.

"Not today, guys," Bella raised her voice over their incessant yelling. "And Kendyll is a very special girl that I hope we can meet soon." She smiled at me when she said that, and my heart lodged further into my throat. Goddamn, this woman was amazing to me, in every single way.

"When can we see them?" the twins asked in unison. Alright that twin thing really was pretty fucked up.

"Well," she looked at me, contemplating, and then back to the kids. "Maybe soon...maybe at your birthday party?"

The twins both began bouncing up and down, chanting, "Birthday party! Birthday party!"

"Uh, sure," I replied. I was a little leery of the company that would be at the party. I wasn't sure if Jake would be there, and a run-in with the chief didn't sound so appealing. Bella sent the kids upstairs to get dressed, turning to me with a timid smile.

"You don't have to come to the party if you don't want to." She must've seen my reluctance.

"It's not that I don't want to, baby," I replied, wrapping my arms around her waist and pulling her to me, glancing up the stairs to make sure the kids weren't peeking. "It's just that...it might be a little crowded. I don't know." I shrugged and dipped down to capture her lips with mine. _Damn_, she tasted good.

She pulled back breathily. "Jake won't be there," she whispered, pulling me down to her waiting lips again. "He can't...not with the restraining order I have against him."

"Restraining order?" She nodded. I wanted to laugh so hard. Poor Captain Douche. But then, I could hardly imagine him adhering to something like that. He was definitely more of an asshole than that. And besides, he wasn't the only one I was concerned about. "Let's talk about it later, okay?" She nodded again in understanding, and I lifted her up, kissing her passionately. She hummed and smiled in response. "Merry Christmas, Bella, I love you."

"I love you too, Edward, so much."

~*fOrSaKeN*~

I almost came crashing down from the high I was on as I left Bella's place, once I picked up Kel from his mother's. Luckily, I stopped at my apartment and got in a quick shower and change of clothes so she wouldn't notice I had the same clothes on I'd been in the night before.

Oh, but the succubus definitely came out this time. I knew the nice little Rose wouldn't last long, but I was a little surprised by what she said. She invited me in, which was my first fucking mistake. No, actually, my first fucking mistake would've been expecting an eight-year-old to keep mum about things I discussed with him, especially when I hadn't told him to. Therefore, my second mistake was walking into the lair of the succubus under the pretense that Kellan wasn't ready to go. That was obviously bullshit, as when I walked in, he was standing in the foyer, bag packed, bundled up, arms crossed in front of him, and looking a little bit smug.

"Hey, little man, "I greeted him cheerfully, sensing something was amiss. "Merry Christmas! Did you get a visit from the fat man?"

"Yeah," he said, extremely unenthusiastically. I furrowed my brow in concern. It wasn't like him to be so blasé about Christmas.

"So," the succubus started, eyeing me carefully. "How was your Christmas Eve, Edward?"

I was taken aback. She usually didn't give a shit about how any of my days – or nights – went. "Oh, it was great!" I couldn't help it. I grinned this big, toothy grin, thinking about just how great my night was. Rosalie's eyes narrowed in suspicion. "I thought you said he wasn't ready." I waved my hand toward our son. "He looks ready to me." Yeah, I'd had enough of the goddamned small talk. I was ready to get the hell out of there, get to my parents' house, and spend time with my family.

"Kellan, honey, don't you have a game or something in your room you wanted to take?" Her tone almost gave me a cavity.

"I got 'em all, Mom," he countered in an irritated tone. I scowled at him, because even though his mother was the bane of my existence most days, I still expected him to be respectful.

"Kellan," she said slowly. "I need you to go to your room for a few minutes until _I_ tell you you're ready to go."

I could tell she was choosing her words carefully, but damn, the woman couldn't have been any less subtle. Like I was a fucking moron who didn't know she obviously had something to say to me. _This ought to be good_. The truth was I was torn. Part of me wanted to lash out at her; tell her the kid was ready and we were leaving; that I had absolutely nothing to say to her. But when Kellan began to protest and talk back, the dutiful father in me took over.

"Kellan, do as your mother says." My tone was stern, but soft, and my son answered me with a scowl of his own before rolling his eyes and abruptly heading toward his room. Once he was out of sight, I turned to the succubus with a raised brow, clearly conveying my impatience.

"So, Kellan tells me he's getting a sister," she began, her tone short. _Real fucking nice._ My hackles went up instantly.

"Did he now?" My brow shot up to my hairline because this conversation was not fucking happening. If she thought I was going to even think about entertaining her opinion on the matter, she was sorely mistaken.

"Well..." She tossed her hair over her shoulder. "He didn't go into detail or anything, just said you were adopting some little girl." She said 'little girl' like it disgusted her. I just stared at her, hoping she'd get the hint through my silence, that I wasn't interested in telling her a fucking thing. "Is that true?" But no such luck.

"Are you kidding me? Why does it matter?" I said, incredulously. Because...seriously?

Her eyes narrowed and her upper lip curled over her teeth, succubus, in full effect. As if that would intimidate me. "So it _is_ true," she said victoriously. "It matters because it involves our son, Edward. You didn't think to even ask me what I thought about this?"

I fought...really hard...not to burst into hysterical laughter. Instead, I lowered my voice and leveled an evil glare on her. "It's none of your business, Rosalie. It doesn't concern you...at all," I hissed.

"Like hell it doesn't concern me!" She began to raise her voice, typical succubus behavior. "When it comes to _my_ son, everything is my business, Edward!"

"See, that's where you're wrong, Rose." I kept my voice low but cold, calculating. "I've already talked to _our _son about this, and he's fine. Excited, even. So your opinion doesn't even matter. It has no bearing here."

"That's bullshit!" she snarled.

"Is it?" I shot back. "Or were you too busy with your own self-involved bullshit to notice that he's happy about it?" She stared at me, her face getting redder by the second. I didn't give a shit. She knew it was the truth. "Ya know what, Rose, maybe if you spent less time on yourself and more on your son, he might want to spend more time with you!" She rolled her eyes; again, typical succubus behavior.

"Whatever," she muttered. "You don't pay me enough child support anyway. Maybe I'll see you in court, Edward."

That time, I did laugh. "Oh, indeed you will see me in court, _Rose_. You think I don't know what you're doing? That you're still seeing that disgusting excuse for a man that has a record of preying on women?" (None that I could prove, of course, except for the one incident with Bella. But the succubus didn't know that.) "Oh, I look forward to it, believe me." Her eyed widened and she sucked in a breath to, no doubt, begin another string of lies that I didn't have the time or patience for, so I didn't let her. "Kellan!" I yelled only so he'd hear me. Immediately, he came running.

"Yeah, Dad? 'Sup? "

"Get your stuff and let's go. We've got family waiting for us."

He let out a little squeal of excitement, grabbed his bag and nearly skipped to the fucking door. I smirked at the succubus as I turned to leave. Yeah it was immature, but I didn't give a shit. She was lucky it was the goddamned holidays and I couldn't serve her ass with papers right away.

When I got into the car, I let out a long, exasperated sigh and gripped the steering wheel tightly. Kel was quiet in the back seat. I didn't mention the Kendyll thing to him, though the twisted part of me really wanted to know what she'd said to him. I did, however, want to know what was up with his attitude. I hoped he hadn't heard the argument between his mom and me. The poor kid didn't need that kind of stress.

"So, what's up, little man? Why are you so cranky on Christmas?"

He sighed and looked at me through the rear view. "I don't think Santa Claus is real, Dad."

I forced a stunned look on my face. "Why would you say that?"

"Because," His voice took on a bit of a whine. "Santa knows what I wanted for Christmas. I told him I wanted skate boarding stuff, ya know?" I nodded in response, not really sure I liked where this was going. I didn't necessarily want to dash my child's dreams of Santa being real on Christmas day. I had already decided, however, that whatever the issue was, I was blaming his mother...in my head at least.

"Well, I got Transformers. TRANSFORMERS!" he yelled. And that was when the ranting of my almost-nine-year-old began. "I don't like Transformers, Dad! I mean, I guess they're kinda cool...they're cool in the movies, but dude, I don't wanna play with the toys! I want skate stuff, damn it!"

"Whoa, Kellan!" I screeched. He slapped his hands over his mouth immediately, his eyes wide and round with shock. "You wanna rephrase that, kid?" My eyes narrowed at him through the rearview as he lowered his little hands looking sheepish and remorseful.

"I'm sorry, Dad."

"You don't talk like that!" I chided. That was it. The kid spent way too much time around Emmett, and I was going to have to have a talk with that motherfucker about his language around my son. Hypocritical? Maybe, but I tried to keep my mouth clean around my kid. "So, I take it Santa brought you Transformers toys." He frowned and nodded. "What did your mom get you?"

"Clothes," he groaned, rolling his eyes." And not even the cool kind!" he continued, throwing his arms up.

"Kel," I said with a sigh. "You know the gifts aren't what it's about...Christmas...right?"

"Yeah, I guess," he answered sheepishly.

"Because you're sounding a little bit like a spoiled brat right now." His eyes widened again, but he didn't reply. "Think about Kendyll. She doesn't even have her mother, and you're griping about what yours got you." I shook my head, disappointed. "So sad."

"Okay, fine! I'm sorry!" he blurted, my guilt-trip having done the trick.

I smiled. "That's what I thought." Though, I did feel rather victorious, knowing I'd gotten him what he wanted, and I knew he'd be excited about the ones Bella shoved in my hands right before I left. She'd told me what they were, and I'd told her that there was a strong possibility she would be my boy's hero after he opened them. She'd giggled when I said that. _Damn_, how I loved that sound.

Christmas day at my parents' house would've been just like any other year, had it not been for the stunning little girl I found in the kitchen, helping Esme with dinner. They both turned to greet Kellan and me as we walked in, Esme giving her grandson a squeeze and a kiss on the cheek, while Kendyll ran to me and wrapped her good arm around my waist. The poor thing's left arm was still securely cocooned in a thick cast. I was both shocked and elated.

"Doctor Edward!" Her voice was soft, tired maybe, but full of love. I smoothed her wavy hair away from her face and bent down to kiss her forehead.

"Hi, beautiful," I greeted in return. My brow furrowed a little as I looked her over. She looked too pale, and the sleepless nights the poor child had endured were showing prominently in the bruising under her eyes. "Merry Christmas." Her bright, aqua eyes met mine and I smiled. She merely nodded and looked away, not returning my sentiment, and I understood why. Despite her smile, her eyes told another story. Today had to be incredibly difficult for her, and I just hoped we could make it bearable.

When she saw Kellan, her mouth split into an even wider grin. "Hi, Kellan! Can I give you a hug?" She never ceased to amaze me, such an old soul in her little body. Kellan nodded sheepishly as Kendyll wrapped her arm around him. They looked like they belonged together as brother and sister, and my throat thickened with emotion at the sight.

"Honey, you look wonderful," Esme said, turning me around, pulling my attention away from the kids. She placed her hands on my stubbled cheeks – I hadn't had time to shave this morning – and pulled me in for a hug.

"Thanks, Mom, so do you." It was a given. My mother was beautiful. She always looked wonderful, even when she was tired and cooking Christmas dinner for a million people.

"I take it your night turned out well?" she asked, a little gleam in her eyes. I nodded, feeling my face flush, and told her that it had turned out amazing. Of course I couldn't lie to her when I was rushing off the night before, so she knew exactly where I was going – after dropping Kel off – and what I had planned. Did she need to know all the gory details? No, but she was a smart lady. If I was being honest, it was a little awkward, but the look on her face showed me nothing but pure joy. She pulled me in for another hug, whispering in my ear. "I'm so happy for you, Edward." The kids went off to watch whatever Christmas program was playing on repeat for a while before time to open presents, and as they left, I looked Esme in the eyes.

"How's she doing?" I asked, worried about the answer.

Esme sighed, her eyes reflecting sadness. "She's having a hard time." My stomach dropped. _Damn it,_ I wished I could take all the hurt away. I wanted so much for her to feel the joy that Kellan felt, when he wasn't being a spoiled brat, of course, and that the twins felt...that all children should feel this time of year. It just wasn't fucking fair.

"More nightmares?"

She nodded. "Once she finally got to sleep. It took almost all night of me reassuring her that everything was okay, that her parents would be watching over her today. That she wasn't alone...and then after she fell asleep, she woke up crying a couple hours later." Esme shook her head. "The poor baby's exhausted. I think we need to look into a crisis counselor for her, Edward."

My heart felt so heavy, I wanted to fucking cry for her. "I should've been here," I muttered through clenched teeth. I was angry at myself, but torn at the same time. If I'd been here, I wouldn't have been with Bella. The whole situation was eating me alive.

"Honey, it wouldn't have made a difference," my mother soothed. "She needs more than just our love can provide."

Esme was right. The only thing I could do today was make sure she knew I was here for her, that I cared for her and I wasn't going to let anything bad happen to her again. I made a mental note, though, to talk to Tanya about the crisis counseling. After trying to get my stubborn mother to let me help her in the kitchen, and after she shooed me away a couple times, I headed in to hang out with my kids. That put a cautious but proud smile on my face. As I made my way to the living room, Carlisle came bounding down the stairs whistling the tune of White Christmas, bearing a huge grin and greeted me with a handshake and a half hug.

"Merry Christmas, son! You look well-rested." That was interesting, considering I'd hardly slept. "And happy. I take it my good-luck wish worked to your advantage." His smile grew, and if I hadn't known better, I would've sworn the man was smirking.

My eyes narrowed. "Esme told you." It wasn't a question. Not that it bothered me, but if it hadn't gone well with Bella, today would've been beyond awkward. He nodded. "Yes, your beautiful, gracious, heavenly mother told me. And I'm sure she would be happy if you referred to her as that rather than 'Esme' today." He sighed wistfully. "Because she is, in fact, your mother…and what an amazing woman she is." He was...beaming. My eyebrows shot up to my hairline because..._oh God_, this shit was indeed becoming more awkward than I could deal with, and if I was given anymore indication that my father had gotten a little Christmas 'gift' of his own, I was going to throw up in my mouth a little bit. No wonder my mom looked tired.

Gross.

Therefore, I couldn't quite understand what came out of my mouth next.

"Guess you didn't get replaced by Santa Claus, huh Dad?"

_Open mouth, insert fucking foot._

He chuckled and clapped me on the shoulder. "No, son, I did not. And..." He turned to walk away. "I just got a very interesting phone call from Tanya."

"Wait, what? Dad!" I hissed as he trotted away...

"Kids! Let's open some presents!" he exclaimed.

What the _fuck_...was up with my father? Was sex that nonexistent for him? _Oh God_. (Cue my nausea.) And what the hell was he talking about, an 'interesting' phone call from Tanya? Goddamn it, I hated being out of the loop.

I glanced at my parents – Carlisle's arms were wrapped lovingly around Esme as she leaned into him in their loveseat – while they watched the kids open their gifts. Kendyll was careful, meticulous. It reminded me of the way Bella opened hers. And she was so gracious; smiling almost timidly and saying 'thank you' after each and every one. But Kellan tore into his without patience, only wanting the prize inside...much like me. He cheered and shouted things like, "dude, this is so cool!" and "score!" and "sweet!" It made me laugh. He was thankful too, of course, just with his own flair. Kendyll, though, it was as if she wanted to savor the moment...the look on her little face...it was like she wanted to hold on to it forever. Just like Bella. It gave me a strange feeling, comparing the two of them, but I couldn't help it. I knew it was because I wanted so desperately for them to be in each other's lives. I decided I had to get Bella over to Tanya's soon. It would be weird, yes, but I needed my girls to meet like I needed air in my lungs.

"Kendyll, honey, if you don't like any of those clothes, don't be afraid to say so. We can always take them back." Esme broke me from my reverie, and I looked at the little beauty, who seemed to be swimming in a sea of new clothes. I smiled. Kendyll looked, for an instant, genuinely happy...not a trace of sadness as she looked at all her gifts. Yes, for an instant, a carefree little girl took the place of the devastated one who'd lost her parents and was missing them so terribly today.

"No, I really like them," Kendyll replied with a big grin. "I like all of them."

We had loaded her up, my parents and I. We went in together and tried to think of anything and everything a little girl would need to start a new life when she'd lost everything...and damn it, we got it. From clothes, to shoes, to books, to hair things; even a bedding set that was pink and black – because she said she liked those colors – complete with several decorative pillows, stuffed animals, and a jewelry box. She was going to need that for what I got her. Though, seeing her so happy made me rethink it. I was suddenly terrified to give them to her, worried that these heartfelt tokens would send her spiraling downward, so I put it out of my mind, only for my fucking mind to revert back to what Carlisle had said to me. And I wanted to know what the hell he was talking about. I narrowed my eyes at him, trying silently to get him to look at me, but he was too busy kissing Esme on the temple, pulling her closer, and smiling at the kids, lost in this bubble. I suddenly found myself not wanting to interrupt them. I found myself staring at them, longing to have Bella here with me...to hold her like that...kiss her. And then I remembered the gifts she gave me for Kellan, so I called him over to me.

"Thanks for the skating stuff, Dad, it's awesome!" He gave me a big hug.

"You're welcome, little man, and someone special asked me to give these to you." I handed him the gift bag and wrapped poster and watched with amusement as he tore into them. He froze, his mouth forming a little 'o' and his eyes wide when he opened the signed Rob Dyrdek picture Bella had put in a frame for him.

"Oh man, this is _awesome!"_ he squealed. "Bella got this?" I nodded. "Can I call her and tell her thank you?"

I chuckled. "Maybe tomorrow; she's probably really busy today, okay." He nodded. "Kel, I know you're happy about your presents, but remember what I said...about what Christmas is about?" He nodded. I lowered my voice so only he could hear me. "I know Kendyll got a lot, but, well it's because—"

"I know, Dad." And then my boy leaned in to whisper in my ear. "We're all she has now. It's okay." I gave my baby boy a kiss on the cheek, which he immediately wiped away with a frown on his little face, and sent him off to play with his new stuff, smiling like the proud motherfucker I was.

"Edward, honey, don't you have something else for Kendyll?" Esme caught my eye and raised her brow. Kendyll looked over at me quizzically.

I sighed. "Yes, but I think we should eat first. Come on, Mom, I'll help you in the kitchen."

She followed behind me, and once we were out of sight, she grabbed my arm, spinning me around to face her. "What's the matter?"

I ran a hand through my hair. "I don't know, Mom. I don't think it's a good idea to give her those things right now. What if it upsets her? Ruins her Christmas? I couldn't..." I trailed off, shaking my head.

Her palms were warm and gentle on my cheeks. "Oh, Edward, I understand. But it's special to you, and it will be to her. Even if she gets upset, which she might, eventually she'll treasure them forever, baby. And she'll treasure you too."

I nodded, letting my head fall onto her shoulder, as she patted the back of my head like I was a little boy needing my mom's reassurance. I did, after all. "Okay, after dinner."

We went back into the living room to call everyone in to eat, when there was a loud pounding on the door. We all jumped, and I thought poor Kendyll's eyes were going to pop out of her head. Good thing I knew exactly who it was. Carlisle walked to the door and opened it quickly, coming face-to-face with Emmett, who held a giggling Nicci, clutching onto a pie pan in his arms, and a soft-sided cooler slung over his shoulder. Big shocker there.

"Damn!" he bellowed. "It's colder than a witch's t—"

"Emmett!" Esme and I both shouted at the same time. Carlisle was nearly doubled over, laughing, and Nicci proceeded to pop the Neanderthal in the back of the head. Yeah, I liked her more and more.

"Ow! What?" He looked around before smiling like a goofy motherfucker. "Merry Christmas, family!"

"Merry Christmas!" We all chanted in unison.

"Uncle Em!" Kellan ran to him and hugged his leg. I chuckled, shaking my head. "What's a witch's tuh?"

"Oh dear God," Esme groaned, turning toward the kitchen.

"Yeah, Uncle Em," I said mockingly. "What is that?" He opened his mouth to speak, but Nicci – still in his arms – cut him off with a pointed finger in his face.

"Careful," she chided. I laughed. Out loud.

"Well, uh, I was just saying that it's colder than a witch's, uh, t-tooth. Ya know, witch teeth are very cold." He shivered dramatically. "Those things are like ice." Then the fucker winked at me, to which I responded by flipping him the bird before Kellan had a chance to see. Unfortunately, I was busted by Kendyll, who broke into a fit of giggles. I smiled sheepishly at her.

_Shit_.

"Oh," Kellan said. "Who ya got there?" He looked at the super model Emmett was cradling. She waved.

"This beautiful lady, little dude, is my girlfriend, Nicci."

"Put me down, baby." She wiggled a little and Emmett set her on her high-heeled boots. She immediately bent down to Kellan's level and extended her hand. "Hi, it's a pleasure to meet you, Kellan. I've heard so much about you. Your Uncle Emmett adores you." I could tell by my boy's profile that he was staring at her, smiling from ear to ear. Couldn't really blame the kid. The girl was stunning.

"Don't tell him that, woman! He'll think I got him a present or something," Emmett teased.

Kellan giggled. "How come he was carrying you? Can't you walk?"

Nicci started to respond, but Emmett cut in. "Let me tell you something, little dude." He set the cooler down and took Nicci's coat off of her, revealing her slender body draped in skinny jeans, tucked into calf-high gray boots and a very stylish silver, scoop-neck sweater. Carlisle immediately walked over to greet her, making me snort, and then made a beeline for the kitchen. "This right here..." Emmett continued, waving his hand from her head to her feet, "is precious cargo. When you're an older dude and can appreciate precious cargo like this, you'll understand. I didn't want her to fall down and hurt herself." Alright, that was pretty fucking sweet, I had to admit. "And I spent a lot of money on those boots. Couldn't have 'em getting ruined." Until he said that. I shook my head at him as Nicci smacked him in the arm.

"Hey!"

"What? Come on, baby, you know I'm kidding!" He planted a kiss on her cheek, making a loud smacking sound and humming as she giggled.

"Emmett," I walked up to my best friend and shook his hand, pulling him into a manly hug. "I want you to meet someone." I turned toward Kendyll and watched her quietly stand and smooth out her shirt nervously. "Come here, sweetheart." I smiled at her and nodded toward the asshat I called my best friend to my left. She walked over, staring at Emmett with wide, brilliant eyes as he knelt down to her level. He studied her face for a moment, seemingly mesmerized, before his lips split into that Cheshire cat grin he was known for.

"Hi, Kendyll," he said softly. A far cry from the boisterous Emmett that had walked in the house. "Edward was right; you're so pretty." Well I never said he didn't have a way with the ladies...young and old. "It's good to meet you finally. I'm your Uncle Emmett." She giggled and looked up at me.

"He's your brother?"

"Not exactly," I said, winking at her. I cut my eyes to him and noticed he was still staring at her, almost awestruck. He shifted his eyes to me and then back to her twice before shaking his head like some sort of weird cartoon character. I blew it off. Dude was weird anyway. "Unfortunately, this guy is my best friend," I continued. "I've known him since I was about your age, but we're sort of like brothers. As close as, anyway."

"You're...you're an only child like me?" Her face changed slightly, and the sadness crept back into her large eyes. My heart fractured. I knelt down, gazing into those eyes, and as I knelt, Emmett quickly stood.

"Yes," I whispered. "I'm a lot like you, actually."

Sensing the heaviness of the situation, Em clapped me on the shoulder. "Yep, Edward here has always looked up to me. I taught this man everything he knows."

I looked up at him and smirked. "Everything? About what?"

"Dude." He looked at me incredulously. "About everything, duh!"

Kendyll laughed, and I breathed a sigh of relief. Nicci greeted her with a warm hug and a smile, introducing herself as 'Nicolette' Rousseau, to which Kendyll's eyes widened.

"Are you French?" My heart sank. I was so worried that any reminder of her parents would upset her. Surprisingly, though, her eyes lit up and she grinned.

Nicci nodded. "Oui," she replied musically. "On my dad's side, at least."

"Me too! Bonjour!"

Nicci laughed and launched into a never-ending diatribe about her parents going to France and blah, blah, blah. It wasn't anything I hadn't heard already, so I made my way to the kitchen to see about setting the table, only to be confronted by Emmett halfway there. He was eyeing me precariously with a goddamned smirk on his face.

"What?"

"Whadya mean, '_what_'? Bro, you've got this glow about you tonight. You're practically shimmering with sexual bliss! Spill." He did this weird, jazz-hands thing, waving at me.

I glared at him but he just stared back, his eyebrows raised, no doubt wanting every gory detail – which he was not going to get. Still, I couldn't help but smirk myself. "Now's not really the time, man," I said, shoving my tongue into my cheek. I tried to walk around him but he blocked my path, mirroring my movements. I sighed. This motherfucker... "What are you, twelve, Emmett?"

"I knew it!" he proclaimed. "You saw her. Come on, man, spill. How was she? How was the make-up sex?" He wiggled his eyebrows. I rolled my eyes.

"You're worse than a woman, Emmett, you know that? His only response was that goddamned Cheshire cat-looking grin. "Fine! She's amazing and the sex was phenomenal. That good enough for ya?"

"Not really." He shook his head. "You know I want details, my friend." There were the wiggling eyebrows again.

"You're a sick bastard, you know that?"

He patted his chest. "Aw, man. I love you too." Then the asshole grabbed my face and kissed me..._kissed_ me, right on the fucking lips. I shoved him.

"Get off me, motherfucker!" I snarled. "Seriously, you've got problems." I shoved past him into the safe haven of the kitchen.

"I just love you so much, man!" he called after me, laughing.

Asshole.

Once we were all in the kitchen, Esme apologized to Nicci for not introducing herself when they first arrived before cutting her eyes to Emmett, who smiled sheepishly, waved, and then sauntered over to Esme to give her a big hug and a kiss on the cheek. I rolled my eyes when she turned away and he smirked at me, mouthing 'MILF' with more wiggling eyebrows. Lucky for him, Nicci didn't see it, as she was too busy talking Carlisle's ear off about the fascinating world of orthopedic surgery. Esme asked about his mom, as she always did, and he mumbled something barely audible about her dumb, drunk ass. And when Nicci looked over at him with sad eyes, damn, I felt sorry for the guy. At the same time, though, I was glad he had Nicci to be there for him. And I was glad he had my parents as surrogates. As much as we goofed around, and as much as I wanted to donkey punch his ass for putting his lips on me, I really did love him like a brother.

Dinner was full of animated conversations by both Emmett and Nicci. Emmett, who kept us all laughing by occasionally shoving food in Nicci's mouth because she just wouldn't...stop...talking. I kept glancing at the kids. Kellan was shoveling food into his mouth like there was no tomorrow. I couldn't really blame the kid. His MeMe's food was incredible. But Kendyll had barely eaten a bite. She was pushing her fork around her plate despite the smile on her beautiful face, and she looked incredibly tired.

"Kendyll, you okay?" She looked at me like I was crazy. "Are you not hungry? Is your arm hurting?"

"I'm fine, doctor Edward. I just feel really full already. You worry too much." She giggled.

"You know you don't have to call me 'doctor' Edward anymore, right?"

"I like calling you that." She shrugged.

"Well, when I adopt you, it might be kinda weird to call me that. Are you planning to refer to me as 'doctor' forever?"

"Well, Doctor Spock was called 'doctor' forever. Nobody thought that was weird." I guess she had me there.

"You're a Star Trek fan?" Carlisle asked. He looked like he'd just hit the lottery. Yeah, he was a bit of a closet Trekkie.

Kendyll nodded. "My dad used to watch that show all the time." She glanced at me when she said 'dad' as if it would upset me. "I watched it with him. I really liked it. I liked their funny outfits. Oh, and Uhura was my favorite. She was so smart."

"Me too! I think I know what we can watch tomorrow." Carlisle said, smiling. "Oh, I almost forgot. Speaking of adopting," he cut his eyes to mine and my stomach flipped. Who knew what was going to come out if his mouth, but it was obviously what I'd been wondering about. He quickly returned his gaze to Kendyll. "You know how we've been trying get a bunch of paperwork on you from Florida, and get them to sort of release you so Doctor Spock over there can move forward with the adoption?" She giggled and nodded.

"Carlisle?" I asked, trying not to get excited.

He turned to look at me. "They released her. Tanya found out late yesterday and knew we were busy, so she called me earlier today." My breath caught in my throat and my stomach flipped again.

"What about the medical records? The other...stuff?"

"All released." He beamed. "The information should be here in about a week, two at the most."

"What does that mean?" Kendyll asked, her eyes glistening.

"It means," I said, blowing out an excited breath. "That we're so much closer now, sweetheart." A slow grin spread across her face until all her teeth were showing. I ran my hands through my hair. "Oh my God," I whispered, "this is...amazing news." The entire room was silent as I slowly stood and walked over to my little girl. She turned to me and I picked her up, holding her against me, careful of her casted arm. I was scared she wouldn't reciprocate, but as soon as I felt her little arm wrap around my shoulders and her head nestle into my neck, I released a shuddering, relieved breath.

And I just held her.

"Kendyll?" Carlisle cleared his throat. I could tell his emotions were getting to him. She pulled her head from my neck and looked over at him, her right arm still gripping me. "Tanya wanted this to be your decision. She's loved having you, but Esme and I, well, we've been approved to let you live here with us until Edward can get the stuff done he needs to, and get his place ready for you. It-it's up to you, but it would allow you to see Edward and Kellan easier and more often. What do you think?"

My mouth fell open. I was stunned. I had no idea he and Esme had even considered it, but the thought that they had almost brought me to tears. Kendyll was quiet. She looked at me, and then back at Carlisle, and then chewed on the corner of her bottom lip, contemplating. I smiled because it reminded me of the only other person in the world I wished could be here now with us.

Bella.

"Tanya won't be sad?" Kendyll finally spoke.

Carlisle shook his head. "I'm sure she'll miss you, but you can see her anytime you want. She won't be sad. She wants what we all want – for you to be happy."

Kendyll looked at Kellan. "What do you think, Kellan?"

"I think it's awesome!" he yelled, jumping out of his seat. The room erupted in laughter and Emmett held out his fist to my boy.

"That's it, little dude!"

"So what do you think," I whispered in her ear.

She gazed at me, her brilliant eyes shining with unshed tears, and she smiled. "I want to stay here." There was a collective cheer around the room. Esme came over and hugged both Kendyll and me, as did Kellan. It was sort of this Norman Rockwell fucking Christmas moment that I didn't want to let go.

Reluctantly, I set her on her feet. "Come on, let's clean up. I have something else to give you." I looked over at my mom, who gave me a smile and a nod of approval.

~*fOrSaKeN*~

We all sat in the living room as she began to open the first of my two gifts for her. I sat on the floor with her and everyone else sat around watching TV, pretending not to pay attention, not wanting to make her uncomfortable. Her little fingers were careful, methodical as she pulled the paper apart without ripping it. She pulled out the charm bracelet and studied it. It was gold with pearls inset. The centerpiece was a heart locket and the bracelet was affixed with charms of pink roses, crystals, angel wings and other girlie things. She smiled at me.

"It's so pretty! Thank you, Edward!" I was a little taken aback that she hadn't plugged a 'doctor' in front of that Edward. "Will you put it on me?"

"Of course, sweetie." I clasped it onto her tiny wrist, and placed the other box in front of her as she admired the bracelet. "You've got one more," I said softly, stealing a glance at Esme, who nodded her encouragement. Kendyll picked it up and repeated the process of delicately opening it. She pulled out the little silver necklace and held the pendant in her palm, close to her face. I held my breath. There was no other meaning for it, other than for her to keep her mom and dad close to her forever. The pendant was two platinum hearts, a hollow one above affixed to a solid one below, and each heart held a single golden wing. I had the words, 'Watching over me from Heaven' engraved around the outline of the top heart because I wanted her to know that I believed they were. And I believed, for some weird, karmic reason, that I was supposed to be behind their car that night.

She finally looked up at me and, as soon as she did, my heart shattered into a million pieces. The anguish on her exquisite little face was crippling. All of the loss, all of the pain, all of the horrors she'd been through evident in the tears that filled her eyes, and her lips that were quivering uncontrollably.

"Oh no," I whispered, though I didn't think she heard me.

"I...think…I need to go upstairs," she blurted out brokenly. She clenched the necklace in her hand as she tried to stand, and I reached out, lifting her to her feet.

"Kendyll?" I turned her to face me, but she pushed my hands away, running to the stairs as watched in stunned silence. This was what I had hoped, with all my soul, wouldn't happen, yet it was happening and I didn't know what the fuck to do. I gripped my hair with both hands and squeezed my eyes shut, wishing there was something, _anything_ I could do to take away the pain that I now knew _I'd_ caused her, and coming up with nothing. I looked over at Esme and shook my head. "I knew this was a bad idea," I mumbled, disgusted with myself.

"Honey..." She walked over to me and touched my arm gently. "She'll be okay. I'll go up there and talk to her." She started toward the stairs, but I reached out to stop her.

"No, let me." I took a deep breath and started up the stairs, my stomach churning like a rip-tide in the ocean.

~*fOrSaKeN*~

When I reached the spare room that Esme had deemed as Kendyll's, it was dark. The light from the hallway shone in slightly, and I saw her shadow on the wall, following it to her barely visible outline. The sobbing, however, was unmistakable. My shattered heart thudded, and I swallowed the thick lump in my throat in order to speak.

"Kendyll?" I entered the room with trepidation. "Honey, can I come in?"

"Yeah," she answered between sniffles, her voice shaking violently.

I went to the side of her bed and knelt down on the floor next to her, switching on the lamp so that I could see her. She quickly covered her eyes with her right hand. The charm bracelet, hanging loosely on her tiny wrist, seemed to glow from the soft light of the lamp. I sighed silently, shaking my head, already feeling emotions I was all too familiar with. I hoped I hadn't lost her over this.

"Oh sweet girl, I'm so sorry, " I nearly choked on my words. The goddamned lump had returned ten-fold. I brushed the back of my hand across hers and smoothed her hair back. "I'm so sorry; I didn't mean to make you upset. Will you please look at me?" As much as I wanted that, I wasn't prepared for it when she finally did. Her beautiful little face was bright red, eyes swimming in the tears that relentlessly streamed down her cheeks, and the pain in her eyes was too much for even me to bear, let alone her. I immediately tried to wipe the offending tears away with my thumbs, but it was futile. Noticing the box of tissues on the nightstand, I grabbed a couple and went to work capturing tears as they fell. "I only wanted you to have a special Christmas, and I don't know what to do to make it better for you," I admitted.

She sniffed. "I just...miss...them...so much."

"I know you do, sweetheart, I know." I took a deep, painful breath and let it out slowly. "And I wish so much that I could bring them back for you. I wish I could've saved them." _I should've saved them_. "I would give anything..._anything_, for you to...not have to go through this...for you to be happy. You...shouldn't have to endure this. I wish...I wish you could understand how much I wanted things to be different for you."

She looked into my eyes, hers clouded with more sadness than any child should ever have to endure, as I gently caressed her soft waves and tucked some strands behind her ear. It felt like my heart was fracturing repeatedly. Never, in a million lifetimes, should a beautiful soul like hers ever have to go through the amount of loss this poor baby had. It was beyond fucking unfair. Nevertheless, my emotions were getting the best of me, and I had to rein them in, for her. She needed me to be strong for her.

"Could-could I have really died in that car, like my momma and daddy?"

I was taken aback by her question. All this time, she'd barely spoken of the accident, rarely mentioned her parents, and here it was, the mother-load. I knew it was coming. I knew I should've been prepared to talk to her about it, answer any questions she had, but I didn't know how. I knew this was some sort of test, to see if I could handle myself in a way that wouldn't damage this poor girl even further.

But I wasn't fucking prepared for this! _Goddamn it_, I didn't know how to not hurt her anymore!

So I studied her face, wondering whether I should tell her that she would've been okay, knowing she wouldn't have, or if I should tell her the truth, that she would've been with her parents right now if I hadn't gotten her out of that car. And how selfish I was, knowing that thought alone gutted me. Somehow I decided to go with the truth because I couldn't bear to lie to her.

I nodded my head, very slowly, watching her stunning, aqua eyes widen. "Yes," I said, my voice thick and hoarse.

Her little lips trembled. "You saved me, Edward. You-you got me out."

"How could I not?" I whispered, cupping her cheek. She was so small, my hand swallowed it.

"I think..." her voice broke again, and a fresh set of tears broke free, travelling over my thumb, down onto my wrist. I tried again to wipe them away. "My momma and daddy..." Her little body shuddered with her sobs. "...would be so...happy that-that you saved me."

"You do?" I couldn't say anything else. My entire jaw was aching as I tried desperately to keep my own emotions from overwhelming me. She nodded, letting loose a wail that tore my resolve into pieces as she launched herself into my arms, gripped my sweater in her little fist and held me tightly, sobbing into my collar.

I clenched my jaw so tight, I thought it might crack it, and squeezed my eyes shut, fighting with everything I had. All I could do was rub little circles on her back until I had swallowed down all the sobs that wanted to escape me.

"I hope so," I whispered. "You're so special to me, Kendyll, so special. If I hadn't gotten you out of that car, I would never be able to forgive myself. You...you're a blessing to me, and I thank God every day that I was there to find you." It was funny how true that was, and I hadn't realized it until just now.

"Do you think my momma and daddy are with God?" she asked, her voice muffled by my shirt.

"I sure do, baby girl." I kissed the top of her head. "They're keeping an eye on you; I'm sure of it."

She pulled back to look at me, leaning back against her pillow again. "Sometimes...I get so scared that I'm going to forget about them." Her chin trembled.

"Oh no, sweetheart, you could never forget about them." I touched the area of her chest that encased her heart, and tried to smile. "They'll always be right here." Then I tipped her little chin up to look into my eyes. _Christ_, this child was ripping me apart inside. "That's why I got you that pendant, so you'll always have something to remind you of them, even after it stops hurting so much. I know it's hard to believe, but after a while, it won't hurt as much, I promise. But I know they're still with you, and they always will be." For the first time since I walked into the room, she smiled, though it was small and barely reached her eyes. Still I felt the pieces of my shattered heart begin to come back together. "And this," I touched the heart on the bracelet gently. "This is a locket." I opened it to show her. "I thought sometime we could get a picture of your mom and dad to put in it." She nodded, and her small smile widened a little.

Suddenly she gasped and pointed at the bracelet. "These are like the pink roses you always brought me in the hospital!"

"Yes, they are. I saw that and all I could think about was you."

She reached over and wrapped her little arm around my neck, giving me a kiss on the cheek and hugging me. "I love you, Doctor Edward. Thank you."

I wiped a single tear away from my cheek after that. She didn't need to see it. She only needed to hear the words I spoke in reply. "I love you too, Kendyll."

I sat with her for a while after that, listening to her calm breaths. And then out of the blue she asked me something that, again, almost rendered me speechless. She asked me if I knew she was adopted. I hesitated at first, but told her that, yes, I did. I told her I hadn't said anything because I didn't know if she knew, and she said her mom had told her a few years before. Apparently, Esme had told her about me, and Kendyll said she felt like we were special because of it. I couldn't have agreed with her more.

We talked about that for a while. She asked me if I remembered my real parents, and I told her I only remembered bits and pieces about my birth mother. She said she didn't remember anyone but the parents she lost, and I told her that was okay. That was the way it was supposed to be. Then she asked me about Bella, and it made me long for her again. We talked about her until I thought I'd lose my voice, and Kendyll listened with rapt attention. Finally, we talked about Kellan, and I told her about Bella's twins. She said she wanted to meet them too and, had my heart been any fuller, it would've burst.

When she'd been quiet for a while, I looked down to see her eyes closed; long lashes fanned her cheeks and she had the most peaceful expression. My phone buzzed in my pocket, startling me, and I decided it was time to let her rest. I pulled the duvet over her and kissed her forehead, reluctantly leaving her to sleep.

I felt exhausted. Scrubbing my face with my palms as I walked down the stairs, I was met by my worried mother who had, no doubt, heard me coming.

"Is everything okay?" she asked, wringing her hands together.

I nodded, running a hand through my hair and pulling out my phone. "She's asleep." Kellan had walked up to his MeMe and leaned against her side.

"Is Kendyll sad, Dad?" He looked just as concerned as Esme. I leaned down to him.

"She's okay, buddy. She'll be okay."

"Can I stay here with her tonight?" My eyebrows shot up. "In case she needs a friend. Besides, I can show Grandad my new skating game. He wants to see it." I looked over at Carlisle, who winked at me and smiled. _Christ_, these kids were going to be the death of me tonight. Death by enlarged heart. I'd never been so fucking proud of my boy in all my life.

It was still fairly early in the evening, maybe around seven or so, but it was so dark outside, and the feeling in the house was so subdued, that it felt like midnight to me. I plopped down next to Emmett and Nicci on the sofa, silently watching National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation and listening to Nicci giggle, but my mind was elsewhere. I smiled as I noticed Kellan dragging my parents off to the game room to give them a crash course in skate boarding X-box style.

Emmett nudged me. "You straight, man?"

I nodded. "Yeah."

"She alright?"

I nodded again. Funny thing about Emmett; he tended to clam up when it came to heavy situations. I could appreciate that.

"She's just beautiful, Edward, inside and out," Nicci offered. I hesitated, waiting for her to continue talking because, well, it was Nicci. But she didn't, so I nodded yet again.

"I know." Seemed I was a man of few words as well tonight.

"And I can tell she adores you," she added. Christ's sake, these short sentences of hers were throwing me off course.

"She told me she loves me tonight." I chuckled sadly.

"Aw, Edward, that's amazing!" Nicci reached over Emmett and patted me on the leg. Emmett growled playfully at her.

"Watch yourself, little lady."

"Oh, whatever." She rolled her eyes. "So when's Bella gonna meet her?"

"I'm not sure," I said, watching Clark Griswold down some egg-nog out of a reindeer cup and chuckling. "Hopefully soon."

"Well, ya got your phone in your hand, numb nuts. Call her up," Emmett interjected. This motherfucker...

"No, I got a text or something. I was just gonna check—" I stopped mid-sentence. I had pressed the notification button as I was speaking and, as the message popped up, I realized it was definitely not from Bella. Adrenaline coursed through me instantly, and I clenched my teeth, fucking fuming.

_I told you to stay the hell away from my wife, asshole. Now you're messing with my kids? You better watch your fucking back._

Jacob Black, that cock-sucking piece if shit. As if he had any fucking say over what Bella did with me. Oh, Captain Douche had a motherfucking death wish.

"Son-of-a-fucking-bitch!" I hissed between my teeth.

"What, dude? What is it?" Emmett asked, reaching for my phone. I let him take it, clenching my hands into fists as he read the text from that piece of shit. "Oh shit!" His voice raised about three octaves. Then he burst into laughter. "What a dumbass!"

"I'd like to kill that motherfucker," I snarled in a low, menacing voice.

"Come on, dude, he's a desperate man. Desperate men do stupid shit. He's just trying to get under your skin. You know he's not a threat. Let it go."

I grabbed the phone from him and stood up, marching into the kitchen.

"What's going on?" I heard Nicci ask as I paced back and forth in front of the breakfast bar. I didn't give a shit about what he told her. I was seeing red, and I needed to talk to Bella. I dialed her number, tapping my fingers impatiently on the counter. She answered on the second ring.

"Hi handsome," she greeted cheerfully.

"Hey." My greeting wasn't quite so cheerful. It was quite terse, actually, but she didn't seem to notice.

"What are you up to tonight?"

"Oh, not much. Just getting random text messages from assholes." I was being an asshole myself. I didn't want to be, but goddamn it, I was pissed. I should've just kept the message to myself and let it go, like Emmett said, but obviously, I wasn't thinking straight.

"Whoa," she sounded alarmed suddenly, finally catching on to my sour mood. "What happened? Who sent you a message?"

"You don't know?" I asked, incredulous that she really had no idea.

"Um,_ no_. What's this about, Edward?" Now she sounded scared.

Fuck.

"Jacob sent me a goddamned message saying to stay away from you and the kids, and to watch my fucking back!" I blurted.

"Oh my God!" she screeched. But then she began to laugh. _Laugh. Really? Was she drunk_?

"Baby, have you been drinking?"

She laughed harder. "No, Edward. He's just...being ridiculous. He had a little meltdown today at Charlie's while we were having Christmas dinner." She continued to giggle. "I can't believe he messaged you. What an idiot."

"Wait a minute, what the fuck? He was _there_? _With you?_ _Why?"_ I hissed, gripping the phone a little too fucking hard. I heard that shit crack. "I thought you said you have a _restraining_ order against him, Bella!"

"Oh boy...Edward, it's okay."

"No, the fuck it isn't!"

"Edward, listen to me." She sighed. Annoyance crept into her tone. _Damn it_, I really didn't want to fight with her. Not after the night I'd had, and not after the night we'd had together. I inhaled and exhaled slowly, counting to ten in my head. "Charlie was there, my mom, Alice, even Jasper. Everyone was there. It was fine. I just let him come for the kids, so they could have Christmas with both their parents together. It had no other meaning to me than that. Please calm down."

"Well, it obviously meant more to _him!_ He _obviously_ thinks you still want him or something," I hissed again. I really needed to get a hold of this jealousy shit. I fucking knew that, but again, I wasn't really thinking clearly.

"Well I don't," she said calmly.

"You sure about that?" _God_, I was such an asshole. That was a low blow and I knew it. I cringed as soon as I said it. "Baby, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I've just...it's been a crazy night." I sighed. She was silent for a beat, and I started to panic. Because I was a hellacious moron. Finally, I heard her sigh.

"Well why don't you come over here and I'll show you just how much I care about Jacob Black."

She was pissed; I could tell, but it was hot and I liked the sound of that.

"Aren't the kids with you?" I asked, hoping – as much as I loved to see them – that they weren't.

"No, they wanted to stay with Renee and Alice tonight at her apartment. So...I have the house all to myself." Her voice took on a low, sultry tone. I swallowed, and a mischievous grin slowly spread across my face. "What about you?" she asked.

I shook my head, and then rolled my eyes at myself because, like she could see that. "No, Kellan wants to stay here tonight and Kendyll's asleep."

"Oh you got to see her? That's great!"

"Yes, listen..." I said impatiently. "I'm gonna get ready and leave. Let me tell everyone goodbye, and then I'll be on my way. I..." I sighed. "It's been a rough night, baby, and I...I need you."

"Okay," I could hear the smile in her voice. "Drive safe. I love you."

My heart stuttered. "I love you too, baby."

I walked back to the living room and Emmett's head snapped in my direction. "Hey, man, what's up?"

"I'm going to Bella's"

"Well alright!" He clapped his hands together and laughed. Nicci said to tell her hi, and I just nodded in response, heading to the game room.

I told my parents goodbye, kissing my mom on the cheek and quickly hugging Carlisle. Then I knelt down to talk to Kellan. "Hey little man, I'm gonna go see Bella. Is that okay with you?" He nodded and smiled. "Mind your granddad and MeMe, okay, and I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Yeah, Dad. Tell Bella I loved my presents, okay?"

"Of course. Tell Kendyll I'll see her tomorrow too." I kissed him on top of his head, told him I loved him, told Emmett I'd see him later, gave Nicci a hug, and left the house.

I tried to take my time, calm myself down a little, but no matter what I did, no matter how fast I went, I couldn't get to Bella fast enough.

~*fOrSaKeN*~

As soon as she opened the door, I kicked it shut behind me, locking it behind my back, and shrugged my jacket onto the floor where I stood before cupping her face with both hands and brushing my thumbs over her temples repeatedly. _God_, she looked so beautiful, it almost hurt. She placed her hands on my triceps, seeing – no doubt – the mixture of anguish and relief on my face, and her smile fell.

"Baby, what is it?" she asked, moving her fingers up to my hair, gently running them through it.

"I just..." I kissed her lips, gasping and pressing my forehead against hers, "...need you." I gasped again, letting my emotions go, letting them overwhelm me. "I need you." My lips met hers again furiously. "Please, I need you."

She kissed me back, pulling me close to her and gripping my hair. "It's okay," she cooed. I squeezed my eyes shut and breathed her in, like fresh air after nearly drowning. I couldn't stop myself from lifting her off her feet and pressing her against me, running my lips along her collar bone, gasping again. I was straining, fucking painfully, and I had to have her. I needed to feel her, inside of her, her body all around me. _Fuck_, I needed her to consume me. "Baby, it's okay," she stroked my back, my hair, scratching her fingernails gently against my scalp, the back of my neck. "I'm here…I'm here."

"I love you," I whispered, capturing her earlobe between my lips. She moaned. "I love you so much, baby." I took her jaw between my teeth and nibbled delicately. She gasped and wrapped her long legs around my waist.

"Oh, Edward, I love you too. Are you okay? You're scaring me, baby." I shook my head, avoiding her question, kissing her forehead, her nose, her eyes, and taking her lips again, deepening the kiss, brushing my tongue across hers. "_Mmmmm_," she hummed as I reached up her back and grabbed a fist full of her hair, pulling her head back and attacking her neck.

"I just…have to…have you right now, Bella. I can't…wait…I need you," I said between kisses. "Please…please." I spun us around and pressed her against the door, grinding my hips into hers, feeling myself begin to come apart at the seams.

"Yes," she moaned. "You can have me…anytime you want, baby. _Edward,"_ she gasped as I reached down, gripping her ass and pressing her against my aching cock. "Oh God," she panted.

She had some kind of wrap-around shirt on that tied in the back and was low-cut in the front; sexy as hell, but I wanted it off of her immediately. I tugged on the tie and leaned back a little to yank it off of her. She helped, furiously pulling her arms out and grabbing my face to pull my lips to hers again. Her hands reached between us, tugging up on my sweater. I pressed against her with my hips to hold her steady – pleasure rocked my body – and lifted my arms to allow her to pull it off of me. Once it was on the floor, I attacked her lips again. I couldn't fucking get enough of them. Our tongues collided fervently as I kneaded her supple breasts through the offending material of her bra. I was being rough, paying little attention to whether I was hurting her or not, but she didn't seem to be in pain. Though I knew I'd probably have to apologize in the morning.

I trailed my lips down her neck as she let her head fall back, giving me full access to her exposed flesh. She cried out softly as my lips reached the swell of her breasts and my teeth grazed her taut nipples through the goddamned silky material. "Fuck," I groaned. "I need this off, now."

She leaned against me so I could reach the clasps, and I unhooked them impatiently, throwing the thing on the floor as if it burnt my fingers. I splayed my hands out across her back, gently pinching her smooth flesh and following her rib cage to the front of her. Bella arched her back, gasping as I took her bared nipples between my lips and stroked them with the tip of my tongue. She tangled her fingers into my hair and yanked it, disconnecting my mouth from her breasts and pulling my head up. It was painful, but I didn't give a fuck, it felt fucking amazing and my knees nearly buckled as she attacked my jaw with her lips, nibbling, sucking on my skin and tracing the crest of my ear with her tongue, biting down on my earlobe and making my dick weep, swelling impossibly more.

My hips surged forward, pressing her harder against the cold door and I felt her body vibrate with need. _Fuck_, there was too much material between us, in the way and just fucking frustrating as hell. I tried to slow down a little, taking her top lip between mine softly, gently this time, and tracing it with my tongue.

"Edward," she sighed, turning her head to deepen the kiss, slowly our tongues touched, deeper, so much deeper we delved into one another, and I wanted to take her…right now. I wanted to go slow, though; I wanted that so desperately, to show her all my love with my body, with my hands, my mouth. But as I traced my fingers down her bare back, down to her denim covered ass and pressed her forcefully into my steel erection, holding her there, the fire began to consume me unbearably from the inside out. I needed her right-the-fuck now, or I was going to come in my fucking jeans, and that wasn't happening.

"Please," she whispered in my ear, licking where she spoke.

That was it. I pulled her away from the door, cradling her head against my neck, turning us and deciding at the same time that the bedroom was entirely too far away. So, I moved quickly but carefully into the living room and gingerly laid her down on the sofa I'd slept on the night before. I followed her immediately, pressing her into the cushions and kissing her lips as I reveled, again, in the feel of her body against mine. I pulled away, looking into her eyes and sighing as her beautiful lips curled into a smile.

"I need you, Edward," she whimpered, arching into me. I nodded, grinding into her again, making her gasp and swallowing that gasp as I kissed her deeply. I sat up, fumbling with her jeans, quickly releasing the button and pulling them, along with her panties off and onto the floor. I was in awe of her. She was exquisite from head to toe. Flawless. Her body did things to mine that nothing else would ever, in a thousand years, compare to.

"You're so beautiful," I whispered, caressing the porcelain skin just below her navel with my knuckles.

She hummed again, smiling. "So are you," she whispered back, tugging on my jeans to pull me toward her. I bowed toward her, taking her top lip, then her bottom one as she unbuttoned the fly of my jeans. She shoved them down – along with my boxer briefs – as far as she could reach, and I lifted, finishing the job for her. As I settled myself back down into the cradle of her body, I felt the burning begin again. Every ounce of my flesh was on fire, I was dying for her. She grabbed my neck and pulled me to her forcefully, our lips crashing together, our tongues dancing furiously. I thrust against her and she lifted her legs to wrap around my body, continuing the kiss with unbelievable passion.

When I entered her, it was swift, rough, but I stopped, gasping as was she. "_Ah, baby_," I groaned. "You feel so fucking good." I could hardly catch my breath. She didn't say anything; didn't have to. Her eyes said it all, as did her body, arching into me, making me lose my mind. I thrust slowly, drowning in the sounds of her breaths, her pants, her moans each and every time. I was coming undone too soon, I could feel the coiling of my muscles, but I couldn't help it. I tried to slow down again, but when she arched once more, I was fucking done for. I reached down, gripping her hips and thrusting hard into her.

"_Edward,"_ she moaned loudly, panting, digging her nails into my shoulder blade. I felt her body shudder under mine, and then the grip of her muscles around me as her orgasm began. I pulled out and thrust back in again, and again, feeling myself reach the edge…and careen over it so fucking hard it rocked my entire body violently.

"_Bella…oh baby," _I groaned, holding her against me as she arched impossibly more and cried out. I came undone over and over again, I couldn't stop; it was so intense I wanted to cry…just fucking cry. I almost did.

Once we came down from our high, I collapsed onto her, panting, laying my head against her chest as she slowly massaged my scalp with her fingertips. "I love you," I said softly, closing my eyes and breathing in her scent that was all around me.

"I love you too," she whispered her reply.

I removed myself from her reluctantly, my body immediately feeling the loss, and turned her on her side to face me, so as not to crush her. Her incredible blue eyes bore into mine and I gazed into them, getting lost and feeling punch drunk. She reached above us, pulling the throw blanket that I hadn't noticed down over us and showering my face with soft kisses, over my eyebrows, my forehead, my eyelids which were now so heavy, they were impossible to keep open.

"Go to sleep, my love," she whispered, brushing my hair back away from my face. I pulled her closer, settling my lips against her neck before I did just that.

~*fOrSAKeN*~

It had to have been hours later, when I felt her stir against me. It roused me, and caused my body to come alive instantly. She moaned in her sleep, which only made the situation that much worse...or better, actually...and then she hummed against my chest, pressing her lips into my skin. I shivered, not because I was cold, because this was – hands down – the best way to wake up in the Entire. Fucking. World.

I buried my fingers in the back of her thick, tousled hair and massaged gently. She released a sigh and another soft, sleepy moan, the sound alone setting my body on fire. I kissed the top of her head, letting my hand roam from her hair down her bare back to the firm swell of her ass where my fingers tickled and caressed. She giggled at my touch, letting me know she was awake, and when I pressed her flush against me, my dick pulsing and hardening impossibly more, we both moaned. _God,_ she felt so good. She was ready for me. She was barely awake and already, she wanted me. My girl was fucking amazing. I held her tight and rolled over, pinning her beneath me and framing her head with my arms. Honestly, I never wanted to stop looking at her like this. Her eyes sleepy but bright; her mouth curled into that beautiful smile I loved so much.

"Hi," I said, my voice slightly rough from sleep.

"Hi," she replied, touching my jaw tenderly with her fingertips.

"You look incredible. This view is...spectacular. I wish you could see it." I kissed the tip of her nose.

"I doubt it." She smirked.

"And you feel..." I rocked my pelvis into her, making her gasp. "Like nothing else on this earth. Your body is like paradise, baby." She arched into me and I dipped my head down, licking the valley of her breasts, kissing my way over to one of her pebbled nipples and pulling it between my lips.

"Edward," she whimpered, sliding her hands beneath the blanket, down my sides, kneading the flesh of my ass and hips. I groaned, trailing my lips along the cords of her neck to her waiting mouth and licking her top lip before sucking her bottom one between mine. Her hips surged into me and pleasure coursed its way through my belly, down into my groin, swelling me to the point of explosion. So I lifted and lined myself up to enter her painstakingly slowly until our bodies met again.

I exhaled harshly – the sensation as overwhelming as it always was with her – kissing her forehead, her nose, and finally her plump mouth. She parted her lips and sighed, meeting my tongue with hers halfway and deepening the kiss as I pulled out to the tip and slowly back into her. White heat spread relentlessly through me, consuming me as I repeated the action again and again, making love to my baby like she deserved. We didn't speak; no words were needed as our bodies did all of the talking for us, but her sounds...her gasps, her whimpers, her mewling hums, the sounds of our lips sucking, smacking, and skin sliding together deliciously were like fuel to the fire ignited between us. Sweat beaded between my shoulder blades and along her hairline as she arched into my thrusts more and more, and my movements took a desperate, feverish turn.

I was so close, and I knew she was too. The tell-tale signs were there. Her breathing was erratic, she was pulling me closer, her moans becoming louder and more rushed, her legs tightening around me as she arched and grasped at my hair, my jaw and my shoulders. I kissed her desperately; moaning into her mouth as my balls tightened and the boiling heat coiled and settled in the base of my throbbing cock. My release was eminent but I needed to feel her come undone first.

_"Baby,"_ I groaned, thrusting into her hard and pulling her knees farther up my sides. She unraveled with the next, equally hard thrust, arching her back and crying out my name over and over again. I didn't stop; I couldn't, riding her orgasm and attacking her mouth as the coiled heat snapped inside of me and released wave after wave of fucking incredible euphoria.

_"Bella,"_ I cried out as I grabbed her pelvis and thrust once more, then stilled, pulsing inside of her. Our chests were heaving together as I gazed into her eyes, unable to look away. She caressed my forehead and eyebrows, all over my face before she pulled me down for a slow, tender kiss.

"I love you," she whispered, smiling.

"I love you too, baby." I rested my forehead against hers. "Bella, I want to wake up with you like this every day for the rest of my life and all of forever."

She kissed me again, deeper, our bodies still very much fused together. "I want that too, Edward. I..." she sniffed, and I pulled my head up to see tears in her eyes. "I want that more than you can imagine…more than even my own life."

All I could do was kiss her, kiss the tears away and promise her that I would stop at nothing to make that happen.

~*fOrSAKeN*~

"So tell me what happened...with Jake." I took a bite of my Eggs Benedict and a sip of coffee as I gazed at the beautiful woman across the table from me. After our night, and more out-of-this-world love-making right before we decided to get up and actually become part of the living, we were both starving. I was worried, at first, that asking her out for breakfast wouldn't go over so well, but she said yes, and to my astonishment, here we were.

She insisted on this little dive-like restaurant in north Jefferson Park called The Yellow Rose Café, that didn't look like much but, damn, the food was incredible. I tried to ask her about her Christmas dinner earlier, before we left, but she wouldn't talk about it. We'd been here less than half an hour and the suspense was killing me. Not that I necessarily wanted to talk about Captain Douche, but I fucking digress.

"Edward," she whined, rolling her eyes. "You really wanna talk about this now? Why does it matter? He's an ass."

"Well, Bella, I'd like to know for two reasons. One, did he threaten you? Because if he did, so help me—"

"No!" She rolled those beautiful eyes again.

"And two," I continued, "The narcissist in me thinks that it had everything to do with me."

"And Jake's delusions," she muttered under her breath.

"_See_, exactly what I said to you on the phone last night," I growled low in my chest.

"Edward." Her tone became scolding. It was fucking hot. "This is why I didn't want to talk about it. You're gonna get all pissy and protective, and puff out your chest like some kind of rooster or something." She waved her hands in front of her breasts and I smirked. She glared at me, which made me grin like Emmett.

"I'm just curious, is all." I shrugged. "His jealousy amuses me. Unless he hurts you," I amended with another low growl. "And besides, I'll always protect you, baby."

She smiled and reached over to run her fingers lightly over my knuckles. "But you don't always have to. I can handle myself."

Yeah, I fucking smirked again because, damn if I didn't know she could...in more ways than one.

"Clearly," I mused, thinking about the night I asked her to...and she let me watch. My dick twitched and swelled at the memory, making me suddenly uncomfortable, so I tried to subtly adjust myself.

"What are you thinking about?" She narrowed her eyes, lacing her fingers through mine. That gesture didn't help the situation in my jeans much.

I dipped my head down, looking at her through my lashes. "You."

She ran the fingers of her free hand along the side of my face down to my chin, making me shiver, and pulled my head up to face her. Cocking her head to the side, she smirked back at me. "You, Doctor Cullen, are a _perv_...and so _very_ narcissistic," she said dramatically.

I finally got it out of her, what happened with the douche bag, and it honestly made me laugh my ass off. I made a mental note to thank Alice later. So of course I had to tell her about Emmett, the son-of-a-bitch, and his antics. She obviously found it more hilarious than I did.

"He kissed you? On the _lips?"_ I nodded, nearly gagging on my eggs just thinking about it. "He's insane!"

"Tell me something I don't know," I mumbled. "If I didn't love that motherfucker so much, he might've gotten his ass kicked."

"Aw, he just loves you," she said playfully, sticking her bottom lip out. That was a dangerous gesture. I wanted to lean over the table and suck it between my lips.

"So he says." I shook my head. "And stop doing that."

"What?" she asked, all innocent and shit.

"That lip thing, damn it! Or these poor patrons are going to get a show they definitely didn't expect on this lovely Saturday morning." Crimson crept into her cheeks and damn it if it didn't make me want to kiss her more.

"Oh hey, what did Kellan think of his presents? And tell me more about Kendyll," she said, her tone exited; her blue eyes bright. It made my heart slam against my ribcage. "And what had you so upset last night?"

I sighed. It made me so happy that she wanted to know about Kendyll, but to relive what she had gone through the night before was hell. I did it anyway, tackling her questions in order. When I told her Kellan now thought she was the best thing since, well, skateboards were invented, she clapped her hands together and giggled. And then I talked about Kendyll. I talked and talked, telling her how the little girl oddly reminded me of her - which made Bella smile wistfully - and how amazing she was, but that I worried about her because she seemed so tired and sick all the time.

"Well, babe, she's been through so much. She probably just needs time."

I nodded. "You sound like Esme."

She touched her temple, winking at me. Again…a very dangerous fucking gesture. "Great minds."

I laughed. But then I finally told her about my gifts and the disaster that ensued after, and Bella's face fell.

"I'm so sorry, Edward," she murmured, taking my hand in hers and brushing her thumb across my palm soothingly. "It has to be so hard for both of you." All I could do was nod. She reached over and cupped my cheek. "I really want to meet this little girl who's stolen your heart." I couldn't keep the stupid grin from spreading across my cheeks.

"What are you doing today, Ms. Swan?" I tilted my head to the side and gave her my best sexy-face. She licked her lips.

"I just have to go pick up the kids. No plans, really."

"Well, why don't we go get them together and head over to my parents? I'm sure Kellan's just itching to give you a big hug anyway."

She smiled and nodded. "Okay, let's go. I'm excited!"

I paid the check, much to Bella's chagrin, and headed to the car. Just as we had gotten in, her phone rang.

"Speak of the devil. It's Alice."

"Tell her I'm madly in love with her," I grinned, showing all my teeth.

"Um...I don't think so," she retorted, quirky her eyebrow. "Hey Alice. Yeah, Edward and I were just headed your way. _Yes_...again last night, Alice." She looked at me and rolled her eyes. I couldn't help but chuckle. "I'm gonna take the twins to meet Kendyll," she continued. "What? Why?" She sighed. That didn't sound good. "Oh _no_. Okay. I'll see you soon." She ended the call and looked at me apologetically. "Change of plans."

"What is it?"

"It seems I have a sick kiddo." She sighed again. "Krissy woke up with a sore throat, and Alice says she's running a low-grade fever. Ugh. I hope it's not the flu. Their party's next weekend on Saturday, the second."

"New Year's babies, huh?" I hated to admit it, but I'd forgotten what the actual date of their birthday was. Maybe I'd just tried to put it out of my mind all those years.

"Close," she replied, smiling. "Their birthday is actually on Wednesday, the twenty-ninth. But I can't really have a party mid-week. Besides, I want to get through the New Year."

"New Year's Eve," I mused. "Don't make plans without me, baby." It was her turn to look at me through those incredible lashes as she placed her hand on my thigh and leaned her head on my shoulder. "Listen; let me take a look at Krissy. Make sure it's nothing serious."

She lifted her head. "Are you sure? I mean, I can just take her to urgent care since Doctor O'Neal's office isn't open on Saturday."

Great, someone else we had in common.

"You take them to Doctor O'Neal?" My tone must've reflected my distaste for the woman.

"Yeah, why? Is there something wrong with that doctor?"

"No, just...a personality conflict of sorts." She raised a suspicious eyebrow. "I wouldn't mention that you know me to her. She's...not my biggest fan."

Her other eyebrow joined the raised one. "_Okay,_ thanks for the tip."

"Anyway, it's no problem, to check Krissy I mean. I have my bag in the car. I want to help. And I miss the princess and the ninja."

She shook her head and laughed. "You're a glutton for punishment."

She finally agreed to a "house call" from me, and we headed back to her house to get her car, then to Alice's apartment. When we entered, Robby greeted me with a hug around the leg and Alice smirked at me. I responded by winking at her and mouthing 'thank you,' to which she rolled her eyes. But I felt the love.

"Where's Renee?" Bella asked Alice.

"Oh, she went to the market to get chicken noodle soup and popsicles for the princess."

"You let her go grocery shopping by herself?" Bella looked at her sister incredulously. Alice shrugged. "You realize she'll be gone for hours."

Alice shrugged again. "She was getting on my nerves anyway."

Bella shook her head. "Where's Krissy?"

"She's right there." She pointed to the sofa in the living room, where there was a bundle of blankets and dark brown bed-head hair sticking out of it.

I tried to push the memory of the last time I was in this apartment out of my mind.

"Oh, my poor baby," Bella cooed as she walked over and pulled the blankets down. The poor thing did look pretty peaked, and her nose was bright red.

"Bobby," Krissy said weakly. "I feel like poo-poo." She was clutching a giant stuffed..._fish?_

"Is that a...a fish?" I asked.

"Hi Edwarrrrrd," Krissy sniffled. "Dis is by fish Grappa got be at da big fish store." Yep, definite nasal congestion. "Her dame's Pedelope." Ah, Penelope. It was the ugliest goddamn thing I'd ever seen, but I smiled anyway.

"She's...beautiful," I said. Bella raised an eyebrow at me and shook her head. I shrugged. Did she want me to tell the kid it was hideous?

"Baby," Bella said in a soothing tone. "Edward's gonna take a look at you because he's a doctor, okay?"

Krissy nodded and looked up at me with her huge puppy dog eyes. "Will you bake be feel better, Edwarrrrrd? 'Cause I'b sick." She stuck her little bottom lip out in a pout.

Goddamn it, she really was adorable.

"I'm gonna try," I replied softly.

"Okay, Edwarrrrrd." She snuggled into that ugly-ass fish pillow.

I opened my bag and pulled out my stethoscope, inserting the ear-pieces and tapping on the drum lightly as Robby came over to check out all my cool doctor equipment.

"Can you sit up for me, sweetie?" I hadn't been in pediatrics for a while, but hell, I handled newborns on practically a daily basis, so I figured this would be a breeze. I figured wrong. She whined and fidgeted more than any child I'd ever examined, and it was like extracting teeth to get her to say 'ah' so I could look at her throat. It was an exercise in futility, for sure. Nevertheless, I got the job done, painlessly. I even gave her a cherry-flavored throat lozenge for being such a good girl.

"Ouch " she groaned after she'd put it in her mouth. "I wadt a popsicle. Where's Grabby?"

"Honey, we have to get home. Aunt Alice can bring her over later with your popsicles."

"But, I wadt a popsicle _dow_. By throat hurts," Krissy whined. I touched Bella's shoulder and when she looked over at me, I motioned for her to come out of earshot of her daughter.

"You can stop on the way back to your house and get some if you want. I'll wait in the car with them."

She sighed. "Okay. How did she look, doc?" That sexy smirk was going to be the death of me.

"Nothing serious," I replied, fighting the urge to caress her cheek. "She's congested, but her lungs sound clear; her ears look fine, no infection. And her throat is red, but no signs of strep. Looks like she just caught a virus. It'll be the usual treatment for a few days: rest, lots of fluids, cold medicine."

Bella breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank you." And then she made my heart slam against my chest again by mouthing, 'I love you.' Goddamn it, I wanted to kiss her so much right then. She asked her sister to bring Renee over whenever she made it back, and once we got back to her house, loaded up with popsicles, ice cream – as ordered by Princess Krissy – children's cold medicine and Pediasure, Bella tucked her sick child into bed. I walked in tentatively to check on her, and to my surprise, Krissy reached for me.

"Cob'ere Edwarrrrrd." I smiled at her sickly little voice and sat down next to her. She was still reaching, so I leaned over her, stunned when she circled her overly warm little arms around my neck. I hugged her back and looked over at Bella with wide eyes. She was grinning from ear to ear and looking like she was about to burst. "Thank you for looki-g at by sick face."

I chuckled. "You're welcome, sweet heart. Lots of rest for the princess, and listen to your mommy. She knows how to make you all better, okay?"

She nodded. "And lots of ice creab?"

I chuckled again. Sly little thing. "That's up to your mommy."

Robby held his hand up for a high-five as I reluctantly went to leave, and said, "Bye Kung Fu Master," which made me laugh.

"Bye, buddy, take care of your sister." He nodded and Bella took my arm, walking me to my car. As much as I did not want to leave her, I needed to check on Kendyll and Kellan.

She climbed in the passenger seat and I noticed her glance at the house quickly. But as I turned to talk to her, she grabbed my face and pulled me in for a passionate, searing kiss that set my insides ablaze.

"Shit," I muttered as she pulled away. "Are you trying to kill me? I thought we had a good thing going here."

"You are an amazing man, Doctor Cullen." Her eyes were hooded, fiery.

"Why thank you Ms. Swan. You're pretty amazing yourself. Now I'm going to have a very uncomfortable ride home." I smirked and reached around her head to pull her in for another kiss. Our tongues lingered, stroking as our lips continued to move. She slid her hand over my thigh and cupping me, making my dick twitch and my body jump in response. "_Fuck,_ Bella, you can't do that. I was serious about that uncomfortable ride."

"If the kids weren't here, I take you back in the house and—"

_"Stop,"_ I groaned. "I'm gonna have to take an ice cold shower now."

"I'm sorry." She removed her hand and smiled all sultry. Riiiight. She didn't look sorry. At all.

I cupped her face, stroking her cheekbone softly with my thumb. "_God,_ I fucking love you."

She took her finger and ghosted it over my lips. I kissed it. "I love you too, Edward, so much."

I did stop at my apartment and took a shower, but it wasn't cold, and I took care of...what I needed to take care of. It was less than satisfying, to say the least.

~*fOrSAKeN*~

Kendyll seemed to have come out of her depression for the time being and greeted me with a big hug, sporting both her bracelet and the necklace. I was elated, but she still looked exhausted, and her stomach appeared to be a little distended, which made me crazy with worry again. I asked Esme if she'd been complaining of pain in her stomach, and she said she had a little. Shit. As much as I didn't want to, I asked her to make an appointment with Lydia O'Neal on Monday. I needed to figure out what the fuck was going on with this kid. Hopefully in two weeks or less, I wouldn't have to guess so much. I smiled as I walked into the game room to see Kellan and Kendyll playing Rock Star together. Kendyll was on lead vocals, and my boy was rocking the guitar.

"Hey Kendyll," I said sitting down on the leather chair. She walked over to me smiling. "Esme says your stomach's been hurting."

She shrugged. "A little bit. But I think I just ate too much or something."

_Not likely_. The kid barely ate a bite the night before and Esme has said she hardly touched her breakfast. "Well, Esme is gonna take you to see Doctor O'Neal on Monday, okay?" She nodded. "Have you talked to Tanya?" I wondered if she'd called, perhaps.

"Yes, I told her I wanted to stay here." She smiled at that. So did I.

"Was she sad?"

"A little, but she was more happy for me than sad. She came by here with Journey. They brought the stuff I had over there to me."

"That's great, sweetheart." I touched the pendant on her necklace gingerly, and she covered my hand with hers. I couldn't help myself from pulling her in for a hug, and kissing her on the top of her wavy, light auburn hair.

"Where have _you_ been today?" she asked innocently.

"Well, I was with Bella." I felt the familiar yearning in my belly for the woman I loved. Kellan, who had been eyeing us but eventually turned back around to practice his "rocking out" skills, snapped his head in our direction at the mention of Bella.

"You were?" Her eyes widened. "And you didn't bring her?"

"Actually, we were going to, and bring her kids to meet you too, but her little girl is sick. It's just a bad cold, though. She'll be okay."

"Oh, bummer." She frowned. But then she sucked in a rapid breath and her eyes lit up. "Doctor Edward, you should give her some pink roses, like you gave me in the hospital! They always made me feel better."

_Ah man_, I wanted to squeeze the shit out of her for that. She had such a beautiful soul.

"So you're feeling better now?" Kellan continued to watch us curiously. It was a loaded question, and somehow, he seemed to know. She, however, didn't seem to catch on, or ignored it; one of the two.

"Yeah." She walked back over and took hold of the microphone. "Me and Kel are playing this game...and I'm kicking his butt!"

"Yeah, right!" Kellan snapped back. "In your dreams, Kendyll. Dad, watch me rock this one out!" I laughed. I was fucking elated that, A. She called him' Kel' and B. They were interacting like actual siblings. I watched them intently as the music started. It was some pop song I didn't recognize, probably Justin Bieber or something. But when she started to sing it, my jaw dropped. For a ten-year-old, this kid could sing. I was in awe. Her voice was incredible._ Jesus_, the beautiful girl never ceased to amaze me. When they finished, I clapped and whistled. But left them to argue about who was winning.

"I totally just won that round, Kellan."

"Oh no you didn't! I took that down...to China Town!"

I laughed loudly, shaking my head. Pulling out my phone, I gave Tanya a quick call...thanked her from the bottom of my heart, and asked if she could check into a therapist for Kendyll. As happy as I was, I knew that eventually, the nightmares and the tears would return.

As I started into the living room to talk to Esme, my phone buzzed with a call. I looked at it and was confused. It was McGregor, my attorney, calling me, which was fucking odd since he rarely worked on the weekends, let alone the day after Christmas.

"Edward, I hope I'm not disturbing you being with your family today."

"Not at all. What's going on?" I was worried he was going to tell me there'd be an even longer delay. That wouldn't work for me, as by the time he got around to the paperwork, I'd probably be rotting in prison after having committed succubus-icide. And the bitch was so twisted, she'd probably come back and haunt me for more motherfucking child support.

"Well, I wanted to let you know I found some extra time in my schedule...unfortunately, my flight to sunny Cancun got cancelled, so I didn't necessarily get my Feliz Navidad."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that...but?" I asked anxiously.

"Of course. Well, I've been able to draw up the paperwork we talked about, and I can have it finalized Monday. I can have the woman in question served most likely by the end of the week."

I nearly dropped the fucking phone. I didn't even mind the cryptic, lawyer-esque language he spoke, I was so fucking thrilled. Seriously, I wanted to make out with the old man, Emmett-style.

"That's...wow!" I exclaimed. "As much as I'm sorry about your vacation, Eleazar, I have to be selfish right now and say that you've made my day."

"Great! Tell you what, why don't you come by the office, say, Tuesday? And we can discuss everything...you can go over it; see if it's to your liking."

I agreed almost before he even finished talking. I ended the call, and damn near jumped up and clicked my heels together like the dude in Mary fucking Poppins or something. I was that ecstatic.

I couldn't believe it. This day just kept getting better and better.

~*fOrSaKeN*~

_***Chapter End Notes: Thank you so much for reading!**_

_**If you haven't 'friended' me on Facebook and joined my group, 'Stories with a Wickedcurveball' please do. I'm having fun posting teasers and pictures and I'd love to share with more of you! My FB link is on my profile. **_

_**Until next time! XOXOXO**_


	59. Chapter 55 Music To My Soul

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past  
Chapter 55, Music to My Soul**

_**A/N: Hi! Hope everyone had a fabulous Easter weekend. Mine was full of family and writing. It was lovely! Ready to head back in time to New Year's Eve 2009? I hope so. Big ass thanks to all you amazing people. **_

_***points at self* Lucky little lady right here because my betas are the bee's knees…for serious. ;-P**_

_**I do not own the Twilight characters, nor do I own the songs used in this fic. But I hope you enjoy the twisted roller coaster ride I've created. Remember to keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times until it comes to a full and complete stop. The crazy plot below, I do own. So please respect**_

_**Song: My Love~Sara Bareilles  
Other songs featured in this chapter: I Gotta Feelin'~The Blackeyed Peas; I Know You Want Me (Calle Ocho)~Pitbull; At Last~Etta James; One Night in Bangkok~Murray Head**_

~*fOrSaKeN*~

"_He bends his breath around my name, and I am humbled; I feel small and plain,  
But his arms are angels by his side; you need not ask if they're open, just how wide,  
His lips are day and his skin is night; oh, and with our love we conjure up the twilight,  
His fingers are music to my soul; and I feel his song play everywhere I go,_

_My love, my love is on his way; can't wait to see the day I thankfully lay me down,  
My love, my love is on his way; I'm waiting patiently but if you see me now,  
My love, please hurry,_

_He loves with rhythm and paints with flame; he comes in pieces with no name,  
I won't need answers, I'll just know; 'Cause I've read the sonnets about his soul,  
He can be ordinary in the best ways; And still dance like a poet through every word he says,_

_My love, my love is on his way; can't wait to see the day I thankfully lay me down,  
My love, my love is on his way; I'm waiting patiently but if you see me now,  
My love, please hurry,_

_All that I never knew, can you see me now? All that I never said, can you see me now?  
He makes me crazy, he makes me cruel; Oh, but I pray he makes me anything but a fool,  
Oh, my love…"_

~*fOrSaKeN*~

_~Bella~_

"Alright, B, tell me what's going on. I feel like I haven't seen you in forever." Angela leaned over and gave me a quick hug. "You look...different, happy maybe? What have I missed?"

I smiled at her surreptitiously. It had been too long since I'd seen her. Because of that, I enlisted Renee to come and hang out with the twins for a while so I could brave the frigid, Chicago weather to see my friend. A couple days had passed since Krissy's symptoms started and she seemed to be feeling much better, albeit still milking it for all it was worth, but Robby had started getting congested, so I wanted to keep them sequestered in the house. They were less than pleased as, even though they were sick, they had begged on more than one occasion to go outside and play in the snow. I was the mean, evil mommy keeping them inside.

"Well, you look a little different too, Ang." I placed my hand gently on her stomach. Sure, I'd been through it...twice...but it still amazed me the difference a couple of weeks could make.

"I know. She's growing so fast, huh?"

"A girl?"

Angela shrugged. "I think so. But, you know Ben of course wants a little boy."

"Of course." I laughed and rolled my eyes. "These men and their legacies."

"It doesn't really matter to me," she continued. "I just...feel like it's a girl. Ya know? Well, you do know."

"I was totally screwed up with the twins, though, since there was one of each," I joked. Funny how neither of us mentioned the first pregnancy of mine. We were both thinking of it, though, as an awkward silence fell on us. Of course, Angela always knew how to pull us out of it.

"Alright, so tell me what's up, or more appropriately,_ who's_ up...for you to seem so different," she said with a coy smile.

I giggled and recounted everything from the moment he arrived on Christmas Eve to the incredible gifts he gave me; the way his eyes glistened when he opened his gift, and the unbelievable patience he showed with the twins. It made the blood in my veins course with desire for him and it made my heart ache to be near him. Angela must have noticed the flush in my cheeks because she stopped talking and just smiled at me, shaking her head.

"What?" I asked, feigning nonchalance.

"Nothing...just...you guys are back."

"What do you mean?"

"That look in your eyes, the way you're carrying yourself. That's the way you were a hundred years ago, B; the way you both were, together." She laughed a little and I couldn't help but smile. "It's so weird...seeing it again. I wasn't sure I would. You really have no idea what it's like witnessing that kind of love from the outside in. It's...remarkable. I can't imagine feeling it."

My brow furrowed in confusion. "What are you talking about, Ang? You and Ben...you—"

"Yes," she nodded. "We are hopelessly in love, but nothing like you two. You guys are like some weird, cosmic anomaly that only comes around once in a lifetime. It's insane, and incredibly intense. Almost too much..." she trailed off. The last part was a mere whisper. I frowned.

"You think we're crazy." I wasn't asking. I could tell by the look in her face she did. My best friend nodded and I felt my chest squeeze.

"Well yeah," she answered with a slight roll of her dark eyes. "Crazy in love, and honey, there's no better way to be." She winked at me and I laughed, relieved. She took a bite of her chicken salad sandwich, staring at me for beat or two. It started to make me squirm a little. "Know what?" She chewed a couple times and swallowed before grinning at me all goofy-like. "You guys are like what they write about in those ridiculously cheesy romance novels. It's disgusting."

"Um...thanks?" I rolled my eyes as she giggled and snorted. But I pulled her into a hug quickly, my heart full of appreciation for her light-hearted words. "I'm so happy to see you, Ang; I've missed you."

She patted my back lovingly. "I've missed you too, B. Now, tell me more. How did Jake handle Christmas without you?"

I took a deep breath and blew it out. "Oh lord, it's too bad we can't drink together because this would be so much better over a bottle of wine."

Pushing her glasses up on her nose, she eyed me suspiciously. "Uh-oh, tell me!" she squealed with a giggle.

I'd already given her the run-down about Christmas day, with Edward getting bombarded by the twins and whatnot. Watching his face as they opened their gifts from him was one of those moments I never wanted to forget. So I launched into the fun and exciting _adventure_ that our afternoon and evening at Charlie's had turned out to be.

_When we first arrived, Renee, Alice and Jasper were already there, but Jake and Billy were not. I breathed a silent sigh of relief, knowing I had at least a little time to prepare myself to spend the next however many hours with _him_. I wasn't looking forward to it, but it was for the kids. Jasper and Charlie were lounging on the sofa, each with a beer in their hands, watching – what else – football. I walked over to my dad and bent down to give him a chaste kiss on the cheek. Said cheek reddened immediately and I grinned to myself. _

"_Merry Christmas, Bells," he offered, smiling up at me and ruffling my hair. I swatted at his hand as he chuckled. Jasper stood up, sauntering toward me, pulling me into a tight but friendly hug. It took me a little by surprise. _

"_Bella," he drawled. "Always a pleasure to see you. You look…" He eyed me up and down briefly. A wry smile played on his lips. "…very lovely today." _

_I smiled up at him and winked. "Thank you, Jazz. I feel lovely today." He hummed as he took a pull from his beer and sat back down to continue watching the game. _

_After the twins accosted Charlie, they turned their full attention on Jasper, bombarding him with the typical 'twin interrogation.' 'Who are you? Are you my Auntie Alice's boyfriend?' were among the embarrassing questions they threw at him. And of course following up with, 'Why do you sound so funny?' when he answered in his southern drawl. I scolded them for being rude, earning me simultaneous scowls, and bent down, pulling them to each of my sides. _

"_Yes, he is Aunt Alice's boyfriend," I quipped. "And he is also a very good friend of Edward's." Their eyes widened, well, Krissy's mainly, and she was the first to start up again. _

"_You know Edwarrrrrd?" she asked, her voice reaching an octave that made my eardrums throb. Jasper nodded and my daughter giggled, before blurting out, "He was sleeping on my sofa this morning!" Charlie sputtered on his beer, spitting some out and proceeding to cough. My mouth fell open; my eyes grew as wide as saucers as the mortification set in. Perfect way to start out the day with the family. Krissy ran to her Grandpa, patting his back and asking if he was okay. He nodded and covered his mouth, smoothing out his mustache as he looked over at me, his mouth twitching with the tell-tale signs of a smile trying to break through. It confused the hell out of me. _

_Oblivious, Robby kept his gaze on Jasper. "Do you know Kung Fu too?" I couldn't help but laugh. Of course he would ask that. Jasper laughed with me, answering that he didn't, but that he used to be in the Army. And a new topic of interest was born. _

_After the Spanish Inquisition, the twins made a bee-line for the Christmas tree with even more presents – which they didn't need – tucked under it nicely, while I joined my mother and sister in the kitchen to see what needed to be done for the big feast. Alice barely gave me a chance to greet them before she cornered me. _

"_Hello, sister!" she sang, holding me in front of her. I rolled my eyes. "Don't you look like the picture of bliss today?" She leaned in to whisper in my ear. "And is it safe to say…properly fucked?" _

"_Alice!" I shoved her playfully. "Speaking of which…you're just a sneaky little harlot, aren't you?" _

_She beamed at me. "Heard any good music lately?" _

_I cocked my head to the side, smirking. "As a matter of fact I have. And I'm not even going to ask how you snuck my children away to meet Edward for a little Christmas shopping." _

_She squealed, clapping her hands. "Let me see it!" She grabbed my right hand, bringing it up to her face, gasping dramatically. "It's even more beautiful on your finger. Mom! Look at this!" I rolled my eyes, secretly thanking the heavens that Jacob wasn't there yet. I briefly thought about not wearing the mother's ring Edward had given me the night before, but my love for him won out over not wanting Jacob to see it. I just didn't care anymore. Renee came over and looked at it. Her face nearly split in two with her wide smile as she hugged me tight. _

"_He's a keeper, baby," she crooned. _

"_I know," I replied beaming. _

_Charlie, of course, busied himself teasing the twins about what they thought each and every present was while I heard them squealing and jumping around like a couple of maniacs. After a half an hour of that, I was about to tell the mini elephants to settle the hell down, when I heard the doorbell. The three of us in the kitchen tensed upon hearing it, and then the kids began their chants of, "Daddy!" and, "Grandpa Billy!" _

_After greeting the kids, Billy bravely came into the kitchen to say his hellos. Renee gave him a friendly hug, I smiled and waved, and Alice pretty much ignored him. That was my first clue that things could possibly take a downhill turn. Jacob did not come into the kitchen, which was most likely his best move. We were surrounded by steaming pots and sharp objects that I was sure Alice, at least, would have loved to use as projectiles at his head. _

_We were all thoroughly entertained by the twins as they tore into their gifts, shouted their excitement and jumped up every so often to give us all kisses and hugs. Things were shockingly amicable between everyone for a change. Well, except of course for the occasional daggers being thrown from Alice and even Renee toward Jacob when he tried to say...anything, as well as the irritated glares from Jacob in Jasper's direction. It was awkward, and the tension could've been cut with a butter knife, in all honesty, but I was actually enjoying myself, snickering inside watching it play out. _

_Correction—I _was_ enjoying myself until Jacob took advantage of a moment when all eyes were on the twins and slithered over to me, handing me a card with my name on it. _

_"What the hell is this?" I hissed through my teeth. _

_He dipped his head sheepishly. "It's not much, Bells, but...anyway, I hope you like it." _

_I fought the urge to roll my eyes. I didn't want to be a heinous bitch in front of the kids, but I did cringe away from his distinct whiskey breath. I eyed the Quik Trip cup in his hands and it made my stomach roll slightly. But suddenly I found it amusing that big, bad Jacob Black seemed to need a little liquid courage to endure today's festivities. My lips twitched, desperate to curl into a grin at the revelation. _

_"You, uh, you don't have to read it now," he whispered close to my ear. It made my stomach roll again. "But I hope you at least read it." _

_Oh, so it was the poor, victimized Jake today. Lovely. I just nodded my head and quickly sucked in some fresh air as he moved back to his seat on the floor...like a dog with his tail between his legs. The envelope was bulging slightly, so I peeked into it and my breath caught in my throat. Inside was a pair of diamond-stud earrings. They were beautiful, of course, but I didn't know at that point, whether I was pissed or flattered. _

_I mean, they were just earrings. Very expensive-looking earrings that meant absolutely nothing to me other than he was trying to buy back my affections._

_I stole a glance at him, noticing he was smiling to himself, almost smug, as if he was proud of himself. Like he'd won some kind of contest or something. It enraged me. I suddenly didn't give one tiny little shit what the card said. It didn't matter; I no longer had any intention of reading it. If he thought this was a competition between him and Edward, I had news for him...he'd already fucking lost. _

_As if karma had a sick and twisted sense of humor, at that moment, Krissy jumped up and squealed, running over to me with a bundle of material in her hand._

_"Look, Mommy! Daddy got me a princess dress too!" She held it up and I recognized it immediately as Snow White. Jake looked over at me and smiled, sickeningly sweet._

_"You got her one too?" _

_"No!" Alice blurted before slapping her hand to her mouth and giggling. Jasper chuckled right along with her. All eyes turned to her, including mine, which were narrowed into a glare. Krissy was oblivious, twirling around with her dress as she laughed and, to my dismay, elaborated._

_"Nope, Edwarrrrrd got me the Little Mermaid dress! Now I can be Ariel _and_ Snow White!" she squealed, twirling some more. _

_Jake's eyes widened in shock; Charlie's mouth fell open; Renee pressed her lips together, trying not to laugh; Alice giggled harder behind her hand, and Jasper looked around awkwardly. _

_Freaking. Awesome. _

_I didn't even pay any attention to what Billy was doing, but I was damned certain he felt the wave of discontent. All I knew was that after the initial shock, Jake's stare shifted to me and that was where it remained for what felt like an eternity._

_"Really." He continued staring at me as he spoke. You could've heard a pin drop. The silence was deafening. "Edward, huh?" Krissy nodded, still admiring the dress. Jake's eyes narrowed. "When was that, Princess?" _

_"This morning, Daddy." _

_"This mor—" He pressed his lips together and exhaled through his nose. His eyes narrowed even more. "This _morning_?" I could tell his teeth were clenched. The muscles in his jaw were working overtime. As much as I'd rather have kept this bit of information under wraps, I was having a very hard time not smiling as I thought about it. _

_"Uh-huh!" My little girl nodded. "And he got me tickets to the ice skate show! He got Robby a karate thingy, and he was sleeping on the sofa! We woke him up. He spended the night 'cause of the snow!"_

_Alice snorted. Charlie cleared his throat, and when I cut my eyes to him, I saw that he was smirking. Weird. I figured he'd look as pissed as Jacob did at the moment. Renee had taken to pinching her nose shut – something she did to prevent herself from laughing – and I was starting to wonder who, in fact, the joke was actually on. _

_"Because of the snow," Jake growled through his teeth. "_Right."_ He jumped up from his seat and headed toward the kitchen._

_"Jacob, where are you going?" Billy called after him. _

_"I need some air," Jake replied as he stormed away. Billy followed, and as soon as he was out of sight, Alice burst into a fit of laughter._

_"Real nice," I hissed at my sister, trying not to laugh myself. Renee's giggles started, followed by chuckles from Jasper, and finally Charlie, until the whole room was laughing. The twins were looking around at us like we were all completely insane. _

_"Well, Bells," Charlie said between chuckles, "looks like you've done it this time."_

_"What did I do?" I asked incredulously. He just shook his head. _Whatever._ I hadn't done anything._

_"What's so funny, guys?" Robby held up his little hands, looking around the room. It only made us laugh harder. "Where's my dad?" _

_Alice took a breath, but I glared at her before she had a chance to come back with some smart-ass remark that would've only made things worse. _

_"Nowhere, baby, he just went to get a drink. He was thirsty," I said quickly, hoping my son hadn't noticed the Quik Trip cup. "Come here." I put my arm around him as he leaned into me and kissed his head. _

_"But he looked mad." _

_Well now I felt like shit for laughing. I should've known Robby would catch on. He was more intuitive than his sister – who was too busy showing her dress to Auntie Alice to notice her dad was missing – when it came to his father and me. _

_"Dad's just fine, baby, don't you worry about him." He nodded, looking to me once more with those beautiful blue-brown eyes for reassurance and I nodded. I sighed in relief as he went back to his gifts. _

_Jacob eventually came back inside, and as soon as I saw him, I busied myself cleaning up the kids' mess. They had gone off to the playroom, and the rest of the family had congregated in the kitchen. I felt his presence, looming over me, though I refused to look at him. _

_"Bells, can I talk to you a minute?" he hissed_

_I still wouldn't look at him. "I'm kinda busy right now, Jake." _

_"I can see that. So, you let him spend the night? With the kids there?" Surprisingly, he didn't remind me that it was '_his fucking house_.' _

_"You heard what Krissy said." I shrugged. "He slept on the couch. The storm was too bad for him to leave."_

_"Yeah, I heard what _my_ daughter said! And I don't believe a word of it!"_

_"I don't care what you believe." I stood up and glared at him. _

_He scrubbed his face with the palms of his hands, then placed them on his hips and exhaled harshly. "What was he doing there, Bells? I thought—"_

_"You thought what? That you spilling the beans was going to drive him away forever? Is that it, Jake? Because it didn't! Your little plan failed!" I spat. I was trying, really hard, to keep my voice low, but I was losing the battle. _

_"So, what? You guys are back together now...hot and heavy? Playing house with _my_ kids?" he snarled. _

_I leaned in close to him, lowering my voice and grinding my teeth. "It is none...of your...business." _

_"Like hell," he retorted. "You're my wife, my family!" He grabbed hold of my arm, but for once knew better than to squeeze._

_"Not for long," I hissed. "Now get your hand off me." _

_"No, Bella! He's not good for you. I'm—"_

_"Bells?" We both turned our heads quickly to the sound of Charlie's voice. Jacob let go of me immediately. Charlie's eyes settled on Jake's hand that had previously been wrapped around my arm, and then, shifting to Jake's face, he scowled. "Everything okay?" _

_"It's fine, Dad. Everything's fine." _

_"You sure?" His eyebrows raised and his tone turned official. _

_I sighed. "Yeah, Dad." He nodded reluctantly and, after properly staring Jacob down once more, returned to the kitchen. I turned back to the asshole with a huff. "This conversation is _over_." _

_"We still need to talk about this," he had the nerve to say. "And about what you said a minute ago...I'm not signing anything, Bella."_

_Oh, he was really trying to push my buttons today. But I decided not to play into it. _

_"I could care less what you do, Jake. But you're right. There is one more thing I have to say to you." I picked up the envelope he'd given me and slammed it into his chest. "I can't accept this."_

_"Why?" _

_"Because it means nothing to me, Jake." _

_The look on his face made my insides churn with guilt. He looked...heartbroken. Maybe he really was, but I couldn't let it get to me. He was a master at manipulation, and I just had to remember that. He looked away for a second, but then shoved the envelope back toward me. His expression twisted to one of anger; a little voice inside my head told me I should've been terrified, but I couldn't get myself to care. _

_"Of course it means nothing. I should've known better than to think you had any sense. But I'm not taking it back." I clenched my hands into fists, silently trying to talk myself out of punching him in the face as he continued. "Keep the earrings, Bells. Maybe you could pretend they're from _him_," he said through clenched teeth. My nostrils flared._

_"That won't be necessary. I know he would never try to buy me like that." I left him standing there to join my family in the kitchen. _

_Dinner was as atypical as it could get – Charlie and Renee headed up each end of the large table, which was only brought out of the garage for special occasions such as this; I took up one side, between the twins; and on the other side were Billy, next to Charlie, followed by Jacob, Jasper – who had scooted his chair as far from Jake as he could – and Alice. The kids chatted away about Santa Claus, Renee interrogated Jasper, trying to find out everything about him, Charlie oohed and awed over the food, talking with Billy about future fishing trips. The eight-hundred pound gorilla in the room, aside from Jake and Jasper next to one another, was that Jacob hardly touched his food and blatantly glared at his plate the whole time. He hadn't said one word to anyone since we sat down to eat. Once the kids finished up, they went straight back to the playroom, and that was when my sister took full advantage of their absence._

_"So, Mother dear, have you noticed how positively radiant your daughter looks today?" She was looking directly at me, smirking as she spoke, and I narrowed my eyes at her, silently asking what the hell she was doing. Renee didn't seem to be paying attention. _

_"Oh Alice, honey, you always look radiant." _

_"Well, I know that, but I'm not talking about me. Doesn't Bella look great? I mean, she's glowing. Don't you think..._Mom_?" _

_It suddenly struck me what she was doing and I slowly shook my head at her. I knew that things were about to get very ugly as she now had Jacob's full attention. The russet color of the skin around his fingers had turned white with their grip on his fork. Charlie seemed to catch on as well. He looked at Alice, then at me and finally Jake before shaking his head and continuing his conversation with Billy._

_"She sure does," Renee said with a smile. She reached over and patted my arm lovingly. "You do look so happy today, baby." _

_I thought she was innocent and Alice was the evil one, until Renee winked at me and glanced over at Jake, who was looking back and forth between my mom and sister with disdain. _

_"Must've been one hell of a Christmas Eve, huh sis?" _

_"Mary Alice," Charlie warned. She ignored him, naturally. Jasper, looking thoroughly uncomfortable, leaned toward her and whispered something in her ear. She smiled sweetly at him and snaked her arm through his, leaning into him, gazing at me with a coy smile on her face. I, on the other hand, felt all the color drain from mine. I didn't know why it suddenly felt so wrong to torture him. I anticipated it. I looked forward to it even...making him squirm like the snake that he was. I knew there would be fireworks; I just hoped I didn't get blown up in the action. _

_"It's amazing what a good man in your life can do for you," she said wistfully. "Not that we ever needed one. The Swan women are strong...and a force to be reckoned with."_

_"Don't I know that," Charlie muttered, under his breath, obviously trying to lighten the mood. _

_"Careful, Chief," Renee teased._

_"Even when I'm not out numbered, I'm still out numbered," he replied, earning him a nervous laugh from Jasper. _

_"But still," Alice continued. I chanced a glance at Jake, who was now staring straight at me, or through me, rather, with his mouth in a hard line. "It's nice to have a good man. One who treats you amazingly, like a woman should be treated."_

_"Amen to that," Renee chimed in. My mouth fell open as my head swiveled toward my mother. _

_"One who thinks of you before he thinks of himself, and never puts you down." She looked over at Jake, "never even _attempts_," she spit out the last word, "to use his power over you…physically." _

"_Alice!" I hissed, my eyes darting to Jake, whose nostrils were now flaring. _

"_What?" She shrugged, her eyes doe-like. "I was referring to Jasper." _

Yeah, right_. I pursed my lips at her and shook my head in contempt. _

"_But while we're on the subject…" She smirked, perusing my right hand, which now had a firm grip on my own fork. "You know, I had the best time looking for gifts for you with a certain someone...and the twins." _

_My jaw fell slack as I was sure the final remnants of pigment slipped from my face and my wide eyes once again shifted to Jake. His expression was murderous and directed right at me. _

Jesus Christ!_ My sister was going for the jugular! I was at an absolute loss for words, and my mouth suddenly felt like I'd swallowed a cactus. _

"_Did you show Dad your ring?" Alice continued relentlessly. The only thing I could manage was a squeak as I heard Jacob's fork clatter to his plate. I cut my eyes to Charlie, who was scanning my hands, finally focused on the platinum ring sheathing my right ring finger. "There were actually two, but the twins insisted on that one. The mother's ring you've always wanted! I can only imagine the saucy turn of events after you opened that." _

"_Oh my God!" I groaned, hiding my hand under the table immediately. _

"_You have to be fucking kidding me!" Jacob snarled under his breath. It seemed that, naturally, everyone else at the table was struck as dumb as I was. _

_Alice shifted her eyes toward Jake, to her right, and a malevolent grin curled her lips. "Oh, I'm sorry Jacob. I forgot you were here. My bad!" She looked around the table, not appearing a bit sheepish. _

"_Could you just…stop talking about…that?" he growled back at her. _

"_Oh?" Alice's eyes widened in faux chagrin. "What is it you'd like to talk about, Jake?" The sour tone in her voice became more prevalent as she continued, and I felt like slamming my head into my plate of food. Seriously, it would've been less embarrassing. Charlie hissed something under his breath to her, which fell on deaf ears, and Jasper placed his hand on her forearm, attempting in vain to soothe. "Shall we talk about your blatant disrespect of my sister for the past ten years, or how about the frequent trips to the strip club and your ventures into the champagne rooms?" Jacob visibly blanched, but it didn't deter her. "Oh, I know! Let's talk about Miss Wolfe! You know, the teacher who I have pictures of you kissing in the school parking lot. You remember your children's' kindergarten teacher, don't you?" Renee gasped as Jacob's hands both clenched into tight fists. When the twins went off to play, it left me with the whole side of the huge table to myself, and I felt like I was watching the train wreck from some desolate island, if only that were true. _

"_Alice," I attempted, but it was futile. Her voice rose even higher and I was praying that the twins didn't venture back down to the kitchen looking for dessert any time soon. _

"_Maybe we should talk about the little boy you fathered when my niece and nephew were three-fucking-months old!" Renee gasped more loudly this time, Charlie groaned, Jasper and Billy were staring wide-eyed. I was certain my jaw was on the table. "Or we could discuss the bruises that my sister had all over her body courtesy of you!" Her voice cracked slightly when she said that, and Jasper began to rub her arm gingerly. "Or the night you got your fucking ass kicked because you tried to drag her—" She pointed at me as my stomach rumbled with anxiety. "Out of a club in front of a hundred people! Remember when Edward beat your ass from here to next week…_Jacob?"

"_Shut _UP_!" Jacob roared. _

"_No!" Alice jumped up out of her chair, the screech of the chair legs against the linoleum reverberated off the walls. Jasper stood up quickly, shielding her from Jacob. "I want you to tell us all about the fucking psychopath you enlisted to follow my baby sister everywhere she goes and threaten her, you piece of shit!"_

"_Excuse me!" Renee jumped up, her voice quivering as she ran into the other room. _

"_You are such. A. _Bitch_!" Jacob snarled, his vicious expression fixed on my sister. _

"_Hey, watch the way you talk to her!" Jasper spat his warning. By this time, Charlie was also on his feet. _

"_That's it!" Jacob threw his napkin down, shoving his chair back under the table. "I'm not listening to anymore of this bullshit! Dad, let's go!" When Billy refused to go with him, Jacob turned a lethal expression on his father. "Fine! But I'm not coming back to get you!" He stormed off into the other room and I sprang into action, running after him. I got myself in front of him just as he was about to stomp up the stairs. _

"_You better calm the hell down before you even attempt to go up there and say goodbye to your kids, Jake." _

"_How could you sit there and let her say all those things about me, in front of everyone, Bella?" His expression was tortured. Anger, frustration, embarrassment. I decided it was mostly embarrassment. He wasn't necessarily trying to deny any of it; he just didn't want it all said in front of everyone. Typical. I snorted in response. _

"_Because every word of it was true. You're lucky she didn't mention the worst thing you did to me, because you'd probably be leaving this house on a gurney with at least one bullet hole in you." _

_His jaw tightened and he shook his head. "I don't know why we can't just put this shit behind us. Why can't you even try to make it work?" _

_I literally wanted to slam my head into the wall. He was never going to get it. "Jacob," I sighed. "Because I'm not in love with you anymore. It's over. We've been over this too many times. It's time for us both to move on." _

_He pointed his finger in my face. "That is not true! Heed my warning, Bella; he's no good for you. I'll make you see that!"_

"_Jacob," Charlie's voice was low, but menacing and authoritative. We both snapped our heads in his direction. "Go tell your kids goodbye and get the hell out of here. Right now." _

"Holy crap!" Angela laughed loudly. "So he just…left?"

I nodded. "The kids were none the wiser, thank God."

"Well, I have to say…it went better than I would've thought. I figured Alice would have tried to stab him or something!"

"Trust me," I replied, smirking. "If Jasper and Charlie hadn't been there, blood probably would've been spilled."

~*fOrSaKeN*~

"Mommy! I need another popsicle!"

Three days. It had been three days of popsicles, ice cream, and my daughter was milking it for all it was worth. She was no longer congested; no longer calling me 'bobby' or snuggling up with 'pedelope' to make her feel better. Now she was demanding popsicles every five minutes because her brother was still feeling the effects – he'd gotten the sniffles exactly twenty-four hours after she had and was at the tail-end of his – and she thought she could get away with it. _Well not today, princess_.

Besides that, Edward had just called, saying he was on his way over to check on them. It seemed he didn't want me to have to get out with two sick kids in the mess of the snow to see their doctor, and I was forced into the conclusion that he was just an amazing person like that. I sighed, walking down the hall to Krissy's room. As I approached the door, I saw her dart from her princess castle to her bed, covering up quickly, letting out a fake cough and sniffle. I smirked.

"Nice try, young lady, but no dice." I said, sitting down on her bed and smoothing her hair back.

"But...but I _neeeeeed_ a popsicle," she whined, coughing weakly again. I smiled, trying really hard to be patient.

"Kristen Renee, you and your brother have gone through almost that entire box of popsicles. I think you've had enough."

She frowned and pouted at me. "But you gave Robby one today."

"Yes, because he's still not feeling very well."

"Well, I'm not neither!"

I giggled, just a little. "Well, my little angel-girl, Edward is on his way, and if he says your still sick, then we'll see about the popsicle."

"He will," she said confidently. I was afraid she had a rude awakening.

Twenty minutes later, Edward was looming over her with a stethoscope pressed to her chest. He had already been in Robby's room and determined that my little boy needed to rest for a couple more days. Poor thing was still pretty congested. He pulled the ear buds out and wrapped the device around his neck, smiling at her. "Well, you sound perfect, Princess Krissy."

She huffed and crossed her little arms over her chest, frowning. "_Edwarrrrrd_, you're 'posed to say I still need a popsicle!"

His eyes widened. Hey, at least my daughter was honest about her…dishonesty. "I was?" Edward asked, turning to look at me. "Oops."

"Um, _no_," I said, fighting the urge to laugh. "He was supposed to see if you were still sick, and you're not. It's good that you're better, baby. Now you don't have to worry about being sick at your birthday party!"

Her little lip quivered, the beginnings of crocodile tears emerging. Edward looked so sad and apologetic that I had to cover my mouth to hide my snicker. This kid had some kind of supernatural power over the male species. It was sad, really, how much of her father's manipulative nature she inherited.

"I think Edward forgot to look at my eyeballs." She pulled her bottom lids down with her fingers, resembling the little monster that I knew she was. "My eyeballs are still sick. Can I have some ice cream?" My little angel smiled, showing all her teeth.

I just shook my head and laughed. I had to give her an A for effort. "Absolutely not. Your birthday party is in a few days, Krissy. You can have all the ice cream you want on Saturday."

She huffed at me, sporting that adorable frown again.

"I feel so bad," Edward mused as we walked down the hall. "Maybe a popsicle wouldn't be _so_ bad?"

I grabbed his arm, turning him toward me. "Edward, she was playing you." I laughed. "Seriously, you need to get used to this shit, or she's going to have you wrapped around her little finger and you'll be done for."

He rolled his eyes, muttering under his breath, "I think that ship's already sailed." I started to shake my head at him when he turned to me suddenly, snaking his arms around my waist and leaning into me, smiling like the Joker. "Get used to it?" He smirked. "I like the sound of that." He leaned down, capturing my lips between his, momentarily paralyzing me as my lungs shut down and my body vibrated.

We both heard the cough at the same time and turned to see Robby…standing not three feet from us, staring, wide-eyed. I looked back at Edward in utter horror; my mouth was agape, my eyes darting from side to side, as I tried to figure out what the hell to say. _Shit…shit!_ We were so beyond busted and Edward's expression matched my own.

"Edward?" Robby asked, sounding miserable, congested and completely stunned. "Were you just kissing by bob?"

"Um…" Edward murmured, his eyebrows scrambling to the tip of his hairline.

Robby crossed his little arms over his chest and frowned. "_Why_ were you kissing her? By dads supposed to kiss her like that…dot _you!"_

_Oh shit…this was going to be uglier than I imagined. _

"R-Robby, can you hang on one second?" I asked. Not giving him a chance to respond, I grabbed Edward's hand and pulled him into the kids' bathroom we were standing near. "What are we gonna do?" I whisper-yelled. "He's about to freak out, Edward! What-what do we say? What do _I_ say? _Shit…shit!" _

"Bella." He grabbed me by the arms, forcing me to look at him. When I did, I was surprised to see that he was smiling. _Smiling?_ What the hell? Was he crazy? "I love you."

"I-I love you too, Edward, but—"

"No buts. We love each other. I'm here to stay. Don't you think it's time we came clean and just…told them?"

"Huh?" I was struck dumb.

Edward smiled again, mesmerizing me. "Let's just tell them how we feel. They're gonna find out anyway."

I sighed, bit my lip, chewed on my thumbnail, sighed again, and finally looked him in the eyes, nodding. "Okay."

"Yeah?" he asked, his eyes alight with excitement.

"Yeah, but be prepared for the third degree from a five-year-old. It's not fun. Trust me."

"I can handle this. I'm Kung Fu master, remember?" he replied, smirking. I rolled my eyes.

We held hands as we sat across from the twins, who we'd fixed on the living room sofa. Robby's eyes were fixed on our entwined fingers and his little brow was furrowed. Krissy was smiling and bouncing on her seat.

"So, that's the way I feel about your mom," Edward explained after coming 'out of the closet' so-to-speak about what our relationship was. "I love her, more than anything in the world." He lifted our hands and kissed mine, stealing my breath from me once again, right in front of my children.

Robby followed the movement closely and then stared at me. "Do you love Edward, Bob?" I nodded, trying really hard not to giggle at the sound of his nasally voice. I cleared my throat, my voice cracking a little as I replied that I did. "But what about by dad? Don't you love dad?"

My heart fractured as I looked at my confused little boy. I glanced at Edward questioningly. He nodded in support as I released his hand and knelt in front of Robby, taking his hands in mine. "Baby, I'll always love your dad because he gave me you. You are the most wonderful son any mom could ever ask for. I love you and your sister to the moon and the stars and all the way back down to the earth. But your dad and I…well, we don't love each other like mommy's and daddy's are supposed to anymore. We haven't for a while. I loved Edward before your dad and I know that doesn't make much sense to you, but I want you to know that I love Edward now very, very much. I want him to be with me…with us more than anything and he already loves you both just like he loves me. Do you think you can accept that?" I held my breath, watching his face carefully.

"Does that bean…is…is Edward gonna be our dad too?" The poor thing still looked utterly confused. I blew out a breath, scratching my head and looking at Edward, feeling insignificant and small.

Edward shook his head as he looked at my son. "Robby, I'll never try to replace your dad, never. But I'll always be here for you…like a dad…if you need me, okay?"

Robby looked between Edward and me and then at his sister for guidance.

My heart lodged in my throat as she smiled at him and took his hand in hers. "It's okay, Robby. Mommy loves him. Daddy still loves us, but Edwarrrrrd is so nice to Mommy, see?" Robby looked over at Edward, scrutinizing him for several seconds. "He's nice to us too. Mommy has loved him for a _looooooooong_ time. She told Auntie Alice that, but that was when Edwarrrrrd was in the movies." I covered my mouth with my hand to hide my giggle as Edward's eyes cut to mine quickly. "Edwarrrrrd is a good man, bubby."

My eyes filled up with tears as I watched my babies. She only called him that when she knew he was hurting and was offering comfort. It never ceased to amaze me, the connection they had. Robby's expression changed suddenly and this time when he looked at Edward, he seemed a little sheepish. He offered him a small smile and finally nodded his head in approval.

I sighed heavily as I stood up to hug them both.

And all was right in the world.

_Jesus,_ I needed a drink…or a few.

After the kids had retreated back to their rooms, Edward stayed for a while longer. We talked about New Year's Eve; we talked about the birthday party and how excited he was for me to meet Kendyll. I was as well. Oh, how I was desperate to meet her. Although, if I thought about it too much, I was a little terrified. What would I say to her? What did one say to a child who had lost so much? My heart broke for her. My favorite part of Edward's visit, though, was when we cuddled in silence. Being in his arms was one of my most favorite things in the world.

When he reluctantly said he needed to get back, I walked him out to his car as usual, sneaking in a few mind-blowing kisses before I had to let him go. Of course, then I was a sad, pathetic mess. _Hurry up and come back_. That was all I ever wanted to say to him when he left but I didn't because I knew he had a life to live, and children of his own to take care of. It still seemed so strange to think of him as having more than one child. I was going to have to get used to that.

It was rather lonesome being sequestered in the house for days with two whining, sniveling five-year-olds. I'd gotten exactly zero work done, I had barely spoken to Nicci – just enough for her to go on and on about meeting Kendyll and how amazing she was, which honestly made me jealous as hell – and I knew Kate would be blowing up my phone or email soon, wondering where the New Year column was. I sighed. It hadn't been five freaking minutes since he'd left and _God_, I missed Edward already.

~*fOrSaKeN*~

The kids had both finally been feeling better, and cabin fever had reared its ugly head in all of us, so I decided to get us out of the house for a while. We loaded up and headed over to Alice's for the evening. The following night was New Year's Eve, and I was beyond excited to spend it with Edward. Still, I knew Renee would be leaving shortly after the kids' birthday party, so I wanted to spend as much time with her as I could. We ordered in Chinese food, and the twins happily gnawed on their Sweet and Sour Chicken.

Later, after the kids ran off to play in the room they once shared, I nursed a glass of red wine as my mom and sister took turns filling up their glasses repeatedly and giggling about Jacob's Christmas melt-down. It had occurred to me to just stay the night at her apartment since I was feeling the fatigue of playing nurse-mom most of the week. But I longed for my own bed.

"It's not funny." I stifled a giggle. "You know he sent Edward a nasty text message threatening him?" I took a sip of my wine and felt the warmth envelope me.

"What?" Alice shrieked. She continued through her high-pitched laughter. "I swear to Jesus, Mary and Joseph, Jacob Black is the dumbest individual on this planet!"

"I'm still really upset about you not telling me everything, Bella," Renee chided gently. "But after all those things you said, Ali..." She turned her attention back to me. "Well, I'm just glad you're away from him." I could see the torment in her eyes. She had always thought that Jake was the good guy. We all did, and he fooled us. He made us believe what he personified. He made us believe the lie. But I was the biggest fool of all. Marrying a man I never truly loved with my whole being because I felt there was nothing left for me...because I turned my back on the only man I would ever love.

I shook myself out of the morose trip down memory lane I was heading and, since it was getting late, excused myself to go and put on the kids' pj's we'd brought with us. Robby was annoyed that I hadn't brought his karate outfit that Edward had gotten him...seemed that kid would've lived in the thing if I let him.

Renee came in just as I finished helping the kids get dressed and announced that she was going to bed. She pulled me into her arms and murmured in my ear that she was proud of me, that I was strong, and that she loved me more than I could possibly imagine. I had to fight the unexpected emotion that gripped my throat and simply nodded in return. After a few more moments of absently watching the kids play without a care in the world and getting lost in thoughts of Edward and the fantasies of our future together, I turned on a short movie for them and went back in to spend a little more time with my sister before we headed home.

When I walked back into her living room, Alice had the strangest look on her face. I couldn't read it, but I was intrigued. She stared at me for a few seconds, and then walked over to me and grabbed my hand.

"What is it?" I questioned. A nervous flutter began in my belly.

"I...have to show you something," she said tentatively.

"Okay," I drew it out. "Show me."

She sat me down on the sofa and grabbed the remote, switching the television to her recording of what appeared to be the news broadcast that had just been on.

"Alice, what…"

"Shh! Just...hang on."

I huffed out a breath and waited for her to hit play.

"I recorded this as soon as I saw the story coming on. I didn't want to disturb you," she said quietly.

I watched with rapt attention as the news anchor recounted the events of the last rape in the area. My heart began to thunder in my chest. The police chief came on the screen from an earlier press conference, proudly stating that they'd made an arrest. I held my breath, never taking my eyes off the screen as Alice grabbed ahold of my hand and squeezed. But when they announced the man's name along with flashing a mug-shot, all of my breath left me in a strangled rush.

Riley Biers.

_Riley Biers? _

No, _no_...it couldn't be right. He couldn't be the one, could he? No, it was James. It _had_ to be James. I had myself convinced it was James! I knew in my gut I was right. James was evil...calculating. So evil that he would set up someone else to take the fall? I didn't know; I couldn't wrap my head around it. All I could do was shake my head repeatedly as the screen blurred in front of me and suddenly Alice's face appeared in my line of vision.

"Bella? Sis." She put her hands on my arms in a futile attempt to calm me. I blinked until her concerned expression became clear. "Maybe it's true. Maybe it wasn't James all along. I mean...this guy, Riley, he was with them that night, right?" I nodded absent mindedly, realizing suddenly that I'd been vocalizing my thoughts the whole time. "Well, maybe James is just a creep and that's it, ya know. You – I mean you don't know anything about this Riley. He could be a psycho."

"No." I shook my head. "J-James is...and he's still out there." A shudder rippled through me. "I think...Riley is just a pawn."

"Well then why do they say they have all this evidence, Bella?"

I scrubbed my face with shaking hands and ran them through my hair. "I-I don't know, Alice. It's-it's late. I need to get the kids home." I stood on trembling knees as my sister tugged on my hand.

"Just stay here with me tonight," she pleaded.

I told her I was tired, and I would feel better getting my kids home to their own beds. After a bout of arguing, she could see it was doing no good, and reluctantly acquiesced. Really I just wanted some time to wrap my head around this..._news_, alone. I wouldn't have been able to think with Alice distracting me.

Luckily the twins fell asleep on the way home.

I woke Robby up – he grumbled and wiped his eyes sleepily – and I carried Krissy into the house. I realized just how heavy she was as it was a bit of a chore carrying her from the garage up two flights of stairs to her bedroom. Once I'd gotten them both securely tucked in and checked that the house was securely locked up, I went into the bathroom to run myself a hot bath and think. Right away, I noticed that some of the bottles around the tub had been toppled over. Had I left them like that? I peered into my bedroom, scrutinizing it as anxiety began to ripple in my chest. The comforter looked more wrinkled than I remembered. My breath caught but then a flash of anger set in as I automatically assumed Jake had come here while we were out. I thought about calling the asshole and telling him off, but decided I didn't have the energy.

I went back to the bathroom and tied my hair up in a messy bun as I started at my reflection. I did look tired, but had more color in my cheeks than I'd had in a while, and the dark circles beneath my eyes were fading slowly. As I started to turn away from the vanity, my knee hit a drawer that had been left ajar. I cursed under my breath and went to slam it shut, when something caught my eye. A piece of purple stationary I always kept in the nightstand. It was definitely out of place. I pulled it out, realizing I must've put it there in a moment of confusion and planned to put it back when I saw the words written on it. Block lettering...as if someone had carefully written each one, and it _definitely_ was not written by me.

I'M STILL HERE. STILLWATCHING. I WON'T BE STOPPED.

My hands began to shake so violently that I dropped the paper. My knees nearly buckled. I caught myself on the vanity, trying to take some calming breaths, but it was to no avail. I stumbled on wobbly legs to my bed and fell to the floor, scrambling to pull my gun safe out from underneath it. I fumbled to open it, relieved to see my gun was still there. Grabbing it, I struggled to get up and retrieve the phone at the same time, dialing Sergeant Hawkins' number as fast as my fingers would go.

"Chicago P.D. Hawkins speaking."

I just started rambling...

"Someone's been in my house! There's...there's a note...I-I don't know what to do! My kids...he-he's still...he's still out there, I know it! He's watching me! I need...I need—"

"Bella?"

"Yes!"

She bombarded me with questions...was anyone there now...was it my husband...was I hurt...the kids...and some others, but I couldn't concentrate on them. I was too busy running around the house double checking all the locks and windows, staring out into the blackness of the night, looking for a monster and mumbling barely coherent responses. She made me stay on the phone with her until she and a slew of other officers arrived and finally, after nearly having to pry it from my hands, she convinced me to put my gun away. I begged the uniforms to be quiet as they looked through my house for other clues, ultimately finding none, and a couple others went outside looking for possible tracks. I hadn't even thought about the weather until, to my horror, the officers came back in and explained that, since more snow had blanketed Chicago this evening – while I was at Alice's, of course – there were no tracks to be found. I was terrified, and angry that she kept insisting it was probably Jacob.

"It wasn't _Jake!"_ I insisted. "He's not that sneaky. He would much rather confront me face to face." My tone turned pleading as I stood in front of her arguing about their latest arrest. "You got the wrong guy, Heather! I'm telling you, it's James. This was _him!"_ I handed her the note. "And he's still out there!"

She studied it. "We'll bring him in for a handwriting sample. But, Bella, I've seen this a thousand times. Most of these guys just want to intimidate. It's their idea of a sick joke. I'll post someone in your neighborhood for the next few days, but if you don't get any more threats, I can't justify it much longer than that."

I turned away from her, trying to keep myself together. It had been a miracle thus far, that no one had woken the twins, especially me in my frantic state, and I couldn't bear to have them wake with police officers in the house. "And I assure you, Bella, we didn't get the wrong guy. Riley Biers' DNA was all over that girl, and that's not a coincidence."

"No, I guess it's not," I muttered under my breath. But nothing felt right about it. Intimidate? A joke? Riley barely knew who I was. James had attacked me once before. He was dangerous. He was crazy, and I knew he wouldn't hesitate to do it again. Even Riley had told me he was crazy, had crazy ideas. I didn't know if this was still being fueled by Jake, but he had sworn to me, in one of his manipulative pleas, that he was no longer having me followed. I was so confused. What was I to believe?

I needed Edward. I felt like I wouldn't make it through the night without his warm, protective arms around me, so I dialed his number with trembling fingers.

"I'm sorry it's so late. Are you busy?" I blurted when he answered on the second ring.

"It's never too late for you to call. And no, not at all. Just busy missing you." His velvety voice sent a wave of calm through me, and my tremors lessened slightly.

"I just...I...need..." I tried to take a calming breath, but thinking about that maniac in my house sent my raw nerves into a frenzy again. "Something...happened and...I don't...know what...to do!" I could feel myself starting to hyperventilate.

"Baby, what is it? Talk to me." He was instantly alarmed.

All I could do was gasp for air. I started to get dizzy...feeling the little prickly tingles all over my body.

"Bella! Listen to me. Breathe in...now, breathe out slowly. In...out." He sounded a little panicked himself, and that helped to calm me as I followed his lead. I didn't want to upset him so I tried with all my might to slow my breathing. "Okay, please tell me what's going on."

"James...was in...my house."

The line went quiet for a second, but then I heard a door slam.

"Don't move. I'm on my way."

Heather dismissed the other officers, but offered to stay until Edward arrived. I sat on the sofa with my knees drawn up to my chest. When he came in, he marched directly over to me, his face a picture of concern, and pulled me into his arms.

"You're okay, I've got you," he whispered as I folded myself into him.

After a few moments of him rocking me gently, shushing me and whispering soothing words in my ear, Heather asked if she could talk to him. He kissed my forehead, apologizing as he unwrapped his arms from me and walked over to her. Instantly I was cold. I watched with bleary eyes as he listened to her, his jaw muscles tightening repeatedly and his head nodding almost mechanically.

He saw her out, thanking her for her help, as I stayed curled up on the sofa, too mentally exhausted to move. I closed my eyes, feeling the cushion dip next to me when he returned, and reveled in the warmth of his arms surrounding me again. He whispered that he loved me in my ear and kissed the top of my head as I lay against his chest listening to the soothing thrum of his heartbeat. His long fingers languidly drew gentle circles on my arm and I took a deep breath.

"She doesn't believe me," I muttered, feeling defeated, even in the safe cocoon of Edward.

"Believe you about what, baby?"

"That it was James...that they arrested the wrong guy." I sighed.

"The thought of him coming in here," he growled low in his chest, "makes me want to kill him. If he ever touched you again..." he took a deep breath, shuddering on his exhale. "I don't know what I'd do."

I reached up and ran my fingers along his jaw lightly; he squeezed me a little tighter.

"What are you talking about...an arrest? Who?"

"She didn't tell you?" I asked, lifting my head to look up at him.

"No, she told me what happened here." His jaw tightened again. "But nothing about an arrest."

"You didn't watch the news?"

He rolled his eyes and huffed. "No, baby, I hardly ever do. I've been so busy with the kids and back at the hospital, it takes all my time lately."

My emotions were all over the place; otherwise I might not have taken his statement so negatively. There was no acid in his tone, just a benign explanation, but still I felt tears prick at my eyes.

"Well, I'm sorry to take up more of it," I muttered weakly.

He pulled back from me and lifted my chin with his finger, forcing me to look at him. His eyes were pained. "Bella you're one of the most important people in my life. Please don't talk like that. I love you," he whispered.

"Okay." I sighed, laying my head back down on his chest. I told him about the rape, where it happened – the same place I'd been shopping – how badly the girl was injured, how, again, the girl's features resembled mine. I told him about tonight's news story and how they arrested Riley, how Heather told me there was DNA evidence that couldn't be refuted, and I felt his body tense more and more as I continued talking. I noticed a couple times that, though he didn't interrupt me, he tried to relax, kissing my head periodically as the panic once again gripped my throat and my own muscles tensed. I felt safe with him, but the more I thought about James, or anyone for that matter, violating my home...the one place where my babies should've been safe from everything this horrible world had to offer...the more I trembled.

"Come here," Edward whispered, pulling my legs over his and cradling me even closer. "I can't believe you didn't tell me about that rape sooner."

"I didn't want to worry you," I whispered back shakily.

"Don't be concerned about that." He shook his head. "I want you to tell me everything, baby. Understand?" I nodded. "I want to be the one you turn to. I'll protect you. I'll never let anyone touch you, I swear on my life." His voice shook a little and he cleared his throat.

"I know, Edward, but I have to be able to take care of myself, my kids."

"And I know you can. Bella, you're so strong. The strongest person I know, but I still want to be that for you, if you'll let me."

The lump in my throat was too enormous. I couldn't speak, so I simply nodded. He pulled my chin up again and pressed his lips softly to mine. A warm, electric current coursed through me. We were quiet for a while. He hummed with pleasure as I let my fingers roam lazily over his shoulder and arm.

"What are you thinking about?" I finally asked.

He sighed. "Just about that Riley guy." He said the name with disdain. "You know, they don't find DNA evidence easily, Bella. I mean, maybe..."

My head snapped up to face him. "You don't think it's James anymore?"

"I don't know. I know how dangerous that fucking psycho is, that's why I'm trying to get full custody of Kellan. Rosalie is seeing that prick and lying about it." My mouth fell open. It seemed I wasn't the only one withholding full disclosure, but I didn't feel like calling him on his hypocrisy. _Still, how could Rosalie be so stupid?_ "I'm just saying that usually evidence like that doesn't lie," Edward continued, pulling me from my thoughts. When what he said registered, I shook my head.

"No, it doesn't feel right, Edward. Riley even told me himself that James was crazy...that he wanted Riley to take me that day."

"What the fuck? What day?" he spat.

I sat up and looked at him. His eyes were tumultuous, angry.

"The day you...that day at the mall," I said timidly.

Realization flashed across his face. "Shit," he hissed, running a hand through his hair and gripping it.

"So I can't stop thinking that it's still James," I continued, not wanting to relive the events at the mall. "After what he did to me, following me, threatening me at Millennium Park, his questionable past you told me about." I sighed. "Riley just seems innocent. Like a pawn in James' sick game."

"Yeah, well people aren't always what they seem to be Bella. Sometimes you have to look at things for what they are." His tone was chiding, and I didn't like it one bit. Again, it was probably my frayed nerves, but I couldn't help but feel that part of his statement was a personal jab at me for trusting Jacob all those years. Nevertheless, I didn't have the strength to argue anymore. I huffed and stood up.

"I don't want to talk about this anymore," I snapped. "I'm going to take a shower. If you don't want to stay, you don't have to." My voice caught on the last sentence and I turned quickly, heading to the stairs before I completely broke down.

I let the water run over my hand until the temperature bit at my skin. Stepping in the shower I stood under the spray, my skin prickling with goose bumps. I wished the heat would comfort me, take away all the doubt and fear I was feeling, but it did no good – I still felt every ounce of it. I hadn't even checked on the twins on the way in here, so a pang of guilt gripped me as well. The warmth was nice, though. It made the anxiety lessen, if even just a little bit, but it wasn't enough. I needed more...more heat; I needed it to consume me, and even as I turned the dial to adjust it several times, it just wasn't right.

I knew in the deepest part of my soul that there was only one thing – one person – that could make this go away, make me get lost and forget everything else. But I had walked away from him. Left him thinking I didn't care if he left or stayed when, at this moment, I wanted him more than anything. I always did, and I felt I'd die if he thought otherwise. The melodramatics were, no doubt, a symptom of my exhaustion. I knew I was taking the things he said the wrong way. I knew he was only trying to help me, and the way I left him made me feel like a horrible person.

I pressed my palms into the tile and dipped my head under the spray, letting the water drench my hair as a strangled sob erupted from my chest. I had no idea how long I'd been like that, crying softly as the water engulfed the back of my hair and neck, when I felt him. I hadn't heard the shower door opening, but suddenly he was there; his large hands gently massaged my shoulders and roamed down my back, his arms circling my waist.

When I felt his soft lips on my shoulder, I pulled my head back and let it rest against his. His fingers splayed out along my stomach, then to my hips and slid up my sides, igniting arousal and desire deep within me. He moved his hands slowly along my still outstretched arms and placed them atop my hands, entwined his fingers with mine and pulled them away from the tiled wall. He wrapped my arms, sheathed by his, around my body, pulling me back against him as he shushed me and kissed my neck repeatedly.

"Please don't cry, baby," he breathed. "I'm so sorry...I'm here...I love you...I'll never let anyone hurt you...let me take care of you...don't cry."

I turned around in his arms and reached up around his neck, looking into his stormy green eyes before pulling his head down to kiss him fiercely. He hardened against my stomach and I moaned as his tongue darted out to trace my top lip, then my bottom one before plunging into my mouth to mingling with my own. My nipples hardened instantly and moisture pooled in my core. He turned us, pressing my back against the tiles as his hands roamed over my wet skin and his tongue delved deeper, eliciting the fire to bloom inside me.

"You're my life, Bella," he whispered as he pulled back gasping and framing my face with his hands. "I'm going to take care of you." He kissed me again, resting his forehead on mine. "I'll take care of you."

I couldn't speak. Emotion gripped my throat, strangling me. All I could do was nod and whimper as I pulled him impossibly closer to me and let my hands roam over his sculpted back and down. I reached between us, gliding my hand up his rigid erection, my thumb circling the tip. He hissed through his teeth, his head rolling back in pleasure as I wrapped my hand around him and explored his chest with my lips. The soft tufts of hair tickled my nose, arousing me further, fueling my raw desire.

_"Fuck!"_ he growled as my lips closed around one of his nipples and my teeth scraped against it. He pulled my head up, grinding against me, and crushed his mouth to mine with so much force that our teeth clashed together. It only made me want him more. He wrenched his lips from mine and attacked my chin; his lips fluttered across my jaw to my ear and down my neck. My hands flew to his head, my fingers curling in his damp hair as his urgent lips made their way down my chest, to my breasts. I cried out as he licked, nibbled and sucked on each nipple equally.

I found myself panting, begging, throbbing with the need for him to be inside of me, but he continued his slow torture down my torso. His open-mouth kisses smacked against my feverish skin and his tongue dipped into my belly button and lower. My fingers tightened and tangled in his hair, but it only seemed to spur him on as he gripped my hips, sliding his hands around to palm my ass, scraping his teeth along my hip bones and kissing where he nibbled. My hips bucked of their own accord. He held me tighter, dipping his head lower, parting my aching lips with his tongue which swept up, circling, and sucking gently.

My head fell back against the tiles; my knees nearly buckled as I cried out again, pressing his head against me, but he held me up. His hand roamed down the back of my thigh and back up to the apex, his fingers teasing my entrance, making me whimper and beg as he pulled them away. I gasped and moaned when his hand swept over my knee and up as he buried two fingers inside me, pumping them as his tongue continued to stroke and flick. I could feel myself coming undone, and I wanted him inside me, pressed against me, more than I wanted air in my lungs. I tugged on his hair, moaning his name until his tongue released me, quickly replaced by his thumb. His fingers continued to impale me as my hips surged and he swallowed my moans with his mouth. I pulled his bottom lip between my teeth and he groaned, thrusting his tongue into my mouth as I palmed his cock.

_"More,"_ I gasped. "Edward...I need you inside me."

_"Bella,"_ he moaned.

"Please, baby," I breathed as my teeth grazed his ear lobe.

He wasted no time. Removing his fingers, he lifted me, pressing me against the tiled wall, and entered me swiftly with a collective gasp from the both of us. I was lost in him. His breath against my ear, his lips suckling on my jaw, his tongue licking at my lips, begging for entrance, which I allowed without hesitation. His hands frantically moved over my flesh; his fingers kneading then caressing. I could never get enough of him. I never would. The running shower drowned out our heavy breaths, our moans, my whimpers as he drove deliciously into me. Sparks of fire and pleasure spread throughout my body like electricity until the fire collected in my core and began to spin out of control. I gasped as I felt myself begin to come apart and frantically grabbed at his hair, attacking his neck and jaw with unbridled fervor. The tempo of his thrusts increased. He cursed under his breath, pulling my legs tighter and tighter around him.

"Kiss me," he pleaded, gasping. I complied and, and as soon as his tongue brushed against mine, that spinning fire exploded in my core. I cried into his mouth as pure euphoria coursed through my veins, my body convulsing against his. He groaned loudly as his hips surged once more before he stilled, pulsing inside me. He tore his lips away, pressing his forehead against mine.

"_Fuck...fuck_...you're incredible," he chanted, kissing me again, softly this time as our chests heaved in the aftermath. "I don't want to let you go," he murmured.

"Then don't," I replied, lazily running my fingers through his hair.

He pulled out of me with a groan, gingerly standing me on my unsteady feet. "The water's getting cold," he said with that irresistible crooked grin, bending down to kiss my nose.

He lathered the body wash between his hands and began to gently massage it onto my skin. It felt amazing. He felt amazing. The fatigue was so encompassing, that I could've fallen asleep at any moment. A soft moan escaped my lips as his nimble fingers gently worked between my legs, the zing of arousal taking hold of me again. Seeing how exhausted I was, he wouldn't let me reciprocate, instead washing himself quickly while I watched with hooded eyes. When he finished, he shut off the lukewarm water, wrapping a towel around me before drying himself and wrapping another around his waist. He sat in my vanity chair and pulled me down onto his lap as he began to gently brush the tangles from my hair, all the while placing soft kisses on my neck. When he finished, he scooped me up, carrying me to my bed before tossing the towel in the hamper and slipping in next to me, pulling me flush against him.

"I should check on the kids," I murmured sleepily.

He kissed my wet hair and nuzzled my neck, making me sigh softly. "Let me. I did on the way up here and they were sound asleep."

I squeezed his arms around me tighter. Everything this man did made me love him even more.

Moments later, I felt the bed dip next to me and reveled in the feel of his warm arms around me and his naked body against mine once more. A panicked thought hit me suddenly and I tensed.

"What if they get up and come in here?" I asked, more to myself.

He kissed my neck again. "Sleep, baby; I'll get up before they do, I promise."

~*fOrSaKeN*~

When I awoke, I was mysteriously dressed in a t-shirt and clean panties. I sat up in bed and looked around groggily. The clock on my nightstand read eight fifteen a.m. I yawned. It took a few moments to realize why the way I was dressed was, in fact, mysterious, until images from the night before suddenly flooded my mind. I gasped, remembering the panic I felt knowing someone – who I believed to be James – had been in my house. The sick feeling returned to my stomach. The thought of having to change all the locks again along with all the other things I had to get done was overwhelming to me. I guessed that would be my plans for the day. I looked back at my t-shirt and felt heat flush my cheeks. I remembered falling asleep so fast..._naked_...with Edward's naked body wrapped around me. Looking over at the side of the bed he'd slept on, I frowned. Sadness seeped into my heart. I hadn't heard him leave, and _God,_ how I wished he was still here. He must've had to be at the hospital early. I just hoped he kissed me goodbye, even if I didn't remember it.

Just then, I heard distinct sounds coming from downstairs...clanging pots, children giggling; shockingly I smiled, wondering what kind of disaster I was going to have to clean up. I threw on my robe, stretched, and trudged downstairs to confront the Tasmanian devils. When I rounded the corner, I stopped dead in my tracks, stunned.

Edward...shirtless, clad in only his jeans, slung low on his hips, barefoot…was standing with his back to me at the stove. That back...deliciously sculpted; his muscles contoured and flowing like beautiful hills and valleys down to the two little dimples just above his tight, denim covered ass.

Krissy was sitting on one of the high-top barstools watching him with rapt attention and swinging her little legs, crossed at the ankles. While Robby was busy, also with his back to me, placing a plate, napkin and silverware onto one of our wooden TV trays. I felt a little embarrassed ogling Edward the way I was, but I couldn't freaking help it. He was too beautiful for words, even from the back. It wasn't like the kids could see me, anyway, so I took a few more seconds to admire the view. Not to mention that the fact that he was standing in _my_ kitchen, cooking with _my_ children made my heart flutter like a million butterflies in my chest. I sighed dreamily and swallowed, but to my mortification, began to choke on the drool that had collected in my mouth. Three sets of eyes turned to me and widened.

"Bella!" Edward ran over to me as I bent over with my finger in the air, still choking, and rubbed quick circles on my back.

"Mommy!"

"Mom!" The twins said in unison. "Is she okay?" Robby elaborated.

I sputtered one final time and took a deep breath, standing upright. Edward took my face in his palms and looked into my eyes. His were bright, sparkling emeralds and I felt the familiar heat in the base of my belly.

"You alright, baby?" he murmured for only me to hear. I nodded and he turned to the twins. "She's fine, just a little cough." He turned a knowing smirk on me and leaned in for a quick peck on the lips. I wanted to moan, but stifled it.

"Gross!" Robby groaned. Edward and I both laughed quietly, but I gave him a pointed glance. He was getting rather bold since we'd explained what our relationship really was to the kids.

"Hi, Mommy!" Krissy's smile was as big as Texas as she waved at me from her perch. "Edwarrrrrd said it's a whole new year's! And we're making eggs...and toast...and bacon...and juice! It's orange, you like orange, right Mommy?" I nodded.

"We didn't make the juice, Krissy," Robby chided. "It was in a jug...in...the...fridge!" Krissy stuck her tongue out at him but he didn't take the bait. I was just happy he didn't tag a derogatory name on the end of that sentence.

"Krissy, I said tomorrow was a whole new year, remember?" Edward smiled down at her. She nodded and he bent down to kiss her on the cheek, which resulted in her giggling and bouncing in her seat. I smiled, my chest swelling, and I looked over at Robby, who was staring at me with his hand on his little hip, in annoyance.

"What's wrong, buddy?" I asked.

He huffed, throwing his hands in the air dramatically. "You're not supposed to be down here, Mom! We're making you breakfast in bed!" My eyes cut to the tray sitting on the table and, as Robby noticed, he threw himself in front of it. "No! You can't look!"

"Oh, I'm sorry my little ninja boy," I giggled as I walked over to him and started tickling along his shoulder blades. He jerked and howled for me to stop. When he turned to protest, I scooped him up, blowing raspberries on his neck. He squirmed and giggled until I finally put him down, whispering, "I didn't see anything, I promise." My little boy seemed to accept it, so I turned in the direction of the man I loved saying my name.

"You," Edward pointed at me. "Back to bed...now," he said with that godforsaken crooked grin, and I sighed as heat pulsed in places that were highly inappropriate in the presence of my children.

I ate the delicious breakfast awkwardly as all three of them sat on the bed and watched me, beaming. Finally, the kids gave me a reprieve by switching on the TV in my room and getting lost in Dora the Explorer. When I found a small piece of eggshell amongst the scrambled goodness, Edward chuckled and whispered to me that Robby insisted on cracking the eggs, and that he had tried to get all the eggshells – apparently there were several – out of the mix before Robby saw. I smiled and shook my head, beaming at my son, who was enthralled in the show, singing "Backpack, backpack!" Of course I tried to feed Edward, but he refused, saying the twins wanted to do this specifically for me and he was not about to be on the receiving end of Robby's death glare – as he called it – again. As touched as I was, and as much as I loved my children more than my own life, as I stared into Edward's brilliant green eyes, I kind of wished we were alone.

When I finished up and Edward was getting ready to leave, he ruffled Robby's hair, making promises to start teaching him his 'Kung Fu' soon – which Robby jabbed his fist in the air in response to – and picked Krissy up, twirling her around, making her squeal with laughter. I sent them off to clean up their rooms, for which they protested incessantly. But, of course when I reminded them that they were going to spend the night with Grammy Renee, they ran off obediently. I turned to Edward with a wicked grin, pulling him down to me for a sultry kiss complete with tongue and a satisfying – to me, at least – groan from him.

"Another uncomfortable drive home awaits me," he hummed. I licked my lips and eyed him up and down. His gray turtleneck hugged him in just the right places and the button fly of his jeans was bulging. It made my mouth water. I was so damned insatiable when it came to him. "Baby, you have to stop doing that," he whined. I smiled victoriously.

"Oh, I almost forgot. Emmett will be over here in an hour to install your security system."

"What? Security system? Emmett? Huh?" I blundered, beyond shocked. Was he for real?

He looked a little sheepish at my questioning stare. "He, uh, he owns a subsidiary of ADT. I called him this morning, and he was free. He'd do anything for you, Bella, I hope you know that."

"How-how much is—"

He shook his head, grinning. "Don't worry about that, okay? Doctor's orders."

I couldn't speak. Grateful tears pricked at my eyes as I grabbed him around the neck and pulled him down to kiss him again.

He sighed. "It kills me to leave you, baby, even for a few hours."

"I know," I nodded. My voice was thick with emotion. "Me too."

"And hey, when Emmett starts with his twenty questions about us, don't tell him anything. Make him sweat. He's a nosy bastard."

I laughed. "Okay."

He pulled me into his arms swiftly, eyeing the stairs. "I love you. Are you okay?" His expression sobered.

I nodded again. "Thank you...for last night, for everything. I don't know what I'd do without you, Edward, I love you so much."

"Shh, baby, I love you too. You'll never have to worry about that. I've made plans for you for the rest of your life, Miss Swan."

_Dear God in heaven_, I wanted to pinch myself. He was perfection.

He kissed me once more, resting his forehead on mine. "So I'll see ya tonight?"

"Of course," I replied incredulously.

"Just checking," he said with a cheesy grin.

~*fOrSaKeN*~

Renee and Alice came over early that afternoon to the tune of two five-year-olds squealing like it was Christmas again at the idea of staying up late with Grammy. I decided that, even though the thought of some maniac having invaded my house terrified me, I trusted Emmett when he told me the security system he installed was state of the art. He even installed cameras and when he – and the few poor souls he brought with him – finished, he wrapped me up in a bone-crushing bear-hug, telling me that Edward wasn't the only one looking out for me. Of course he couldn't leave without playing a quick game of 'save the princess from the insidious ninja warrior,' and boasting to the children how he was a much better warrior and, in turn, prince than Edward. They fell in love with him instantly.

Renee stayed at the house with Robby and Krissy, while Alice and I went back to her apartment to get ready for the evening's festivities. She primped and prodded me, leaving my hair in long waves down my back with one side pulled up and a forties-style wave in the front. She had convinced me to trust her with my dress, which I had, until I'd gotten it on that is.

"I don't know about this, Alice," I said as I stared at the material, or lack thereof, in her full-length mirror. It was a black and silver sequined, zebra print micro mini... and showed a hell of a lot of skin.

Alice walked over and placed a wrap made of black tulle over my shoulders and stepped back.

"Turn around," she instructed, twirling her finger in the air. When I did so, she placed her hand over her mouth and giggled. "Oh my God, you look amazing! Edward. Is going. To die!"

"Well, I don't necessarily want that," I snapped. "And I don't need a repeat of Open Mic Night, either."

"Which part? The part where he fucked your brains out in the bathroom? The part where he sang to you and made you melt in your seat, or the part where he beat the shit out of Jacob Black through no fault of your own, or your dress?" She raised an eyebrow at me and I rolled my eyes.

"But...it's so short," I retorted, touching where the material ended not far below my ass.

"Well, your legs are your best asset, little sister, and we're not getting any younger. We've gotta show off what we've got while we've still got it!"

"Um...thanks? I think. And speak for yourself. I'm not old!"

She smirked. "Oh really? Then why did I find a couple of gray hairs while I was styling yours, huh?" she retorted, shoving her tongue in her perfectly made up cheek.

_"What?"_ I screeched, rushing to the mirror and proceeding to inspect. Alice burst into laughter as I turned a menacing glare on her.

"You. Are. Evil."

"Touché," she giggled. "Seriously, though, your legs look delicious. Edward is definitely gonna want to nibble at the snack bar tonight."

I stared at her blankly until the light bulb went off and I wrinkled my nose at her. "Gross, Alice! You're just as bad as Emmett!"

She gasped. "Blasphemy! I am not that crass. That man might as well dress in animal skin and carry around a club while repeating the phrase, 'me want blow-job' everywhere he goes!" I had to laugh at that; I couldn't help it.

"Okay, fine," I shouted at her as she walked, half-naked, into her closet. "I look hot." My mouth twitched into a smile as I, for once in probably my entire life, admired my reflection.

"You're damn right, you look hot!" she shouted back. "And so do I!" She sauntered back into her bedroom and twirled around. "Feast your eyes."

I turned to look at her, stumbling a bit on my five-inch, black sequined pumps and cursing under my breath that I was probably going to twist, sprain, or break something tonight. My eyes widened and my eyebrows scrambled to my hairline as I took her in. Her dress was black and very short as well, with a sheer, white, swirling design from her shoulders down to each side of her waist. The skirt flared out a bit and on her back it was sheer. It was stunning. And I hardly had words for the black, sequined peep-toe, ankle boots she was wearing. They were taller than my shoes!

"Wow, Alice," I deadpanned. "Are those..." I pointed to the boots.

"Okay, I might have found them on an exotic dancer website..." she looked sheepish, but only briefly. "But don't try to say they aren't amazing, 'cause let's face it...they're fucking amazing!"

I nodded. They were fucking amazing.

We gazed at ourselves in the mirror for a few more seconds before I sighed. "You're right, Alice. Our men might not let us leave the apartment," I mused.

She snorted and threw her arm over my shoulder. "Like that would be a problem. I bet they look like a cold drink of water in the Mojave Desert."

Boy was she correct in her prediction. Edward told me they'd pick us up at the apartment, and he walked in looking positively scrumptious in a charcoal suit, gray button-up shirt and black tie. My eyes drank him in...as Alice had said, like a cold drink of water in the stifling heat of the desert. Or iced tea...or lemonade...whatever; he was definitely something to quench my thirst.

Both Edward and Jasper stopped dead in their tracks when they walked in and saw Alice and me. Both held the same expression. Mouths agape, eyes wide as they raked down and up every inch of us. For a moment, I thought perhaps they'd stay like that all night. But finally, Jasper seemed to snap out of it, striding over to my sister, and scooping her into his arms. I kept my eyes trained on Edward, worried that he was upset with the way I was dressed, and waiting for his reaction. His eyes swept my body once more; I could literally feel them, leaving a trail of heat in their path. But then they locked with mine...dark green and filled with lust. After a moment they softened and he walked slowly toward me, shaking his head, taking my face gently in his palms.

"I...don't have the right words," he murmured. "You are the sexiest, most beautiful, flawless woman I have ever laid eyes on." My breath caught in my throat at his words and his touch as his hands slid down my body, his fingers teasing the bare skin just below the hem line of my dress. "This is...extremely short. I haven't decided if that's a good thing, or a very naughty thing, Miss Swan." His sly grin mixed with the scent of his cologne was intoxicating. I licked my lips.

"You can punish me later, Doctor Cullen," I whispered, smirking.

He growled low in his chest, his fingers suddenly kneading where they'd teased. And despite the fact that we had to leave right then to make it on time, arousal bloomed within me. His lips met mine softly and he pulled away to glance over at my sister and Jasper – who was impeccably dressed in a gray and white pin-striped suit with matching vest, and silver tie. Edward whistled.

"Looking good, Tink," he crooned, winking at her.

"Not so bad yourself, jerk," she teased, eyeing his suit. "Armani?"

"Is there any other kind?" he replied with a sexy smirk.

Alice snorted and rolled her eyes. "I always knew you were the snobby doctor-type."

"Not any more than you're the snobby fashion-goddess type," he retorted playfully.

"Touché, jerk," Alice said with a wide grin.

Jasper broke away from my sister – and the banter – long enough to walk over to me, pulling me in for a warm hug and kiss on the cheek. "Beautiful Bella," he drawled. "I don't know if I ever told you this, but your name suits you."

I blushed furiously. "You are such a gentleman, and quite handsome yourself," I muttered my reply. About that time, Alice snaked her arm through his.

"Now can you see why I can't get enough of him?" Alice demanded. I nodded, glancing at the inhumanly gorgeous man of mine..._mine_...and feeling the exact same way. "Doesn't he look like an old-style gangster in this suit?" She gazed up at him. "If you were wearing a fedora, I would not be responsible for my actions, sir."

Jasper grinned. "Well, ma'am, remind me to pick one of those up on the way home."

"I know just the place," she whispered. "And I know how to get in. I am the owner after all."

I walked back to Edward and pulled him down for a steamy kiss. He exhaled harshly once I let go of his lips and leaned into me. "We should go, before we...just...don't." I nodded, but the thought hit me suddenly that Alice and I were dressed for Miami rather than the arctic Chicago air.

"We're gonna freeze to death!" I exclaimed.

"Oh! Just a minute," Alice said, disappearing down the hall. Seconds later she emerged holding two ankle-length dress-coats over her arm: one black, one charcoal and both with faux fur on the collar and cuffs. I smiled, relieved that Alice had enough sense to remember what time of year it was...and, for once, for her sense of fashion. Otherwise, I would've been wearing my puffy ski jacket, which definitely would not have gone with my dress.

My jaw went slack when I took in the long, sleek, black limousine waiting outside for us. I wasn't even sure it was real until the driver stepped out and gracefully opened the door, waving us in.

"Wow," I muttered, half under my breath. Edward took my hand and, before leading me to the limo, smiled against my temple.

"Only the best for my beautiful girl," he whispered. My breath hitched at his words.

Inside waiting for us were Emmett – who looked as handsome as ever in an all-black suit, shirt and tie with a silver clip, and Nicci – whose off-white wool coat was open to reveal a stunning mini-dress with an aqua-colored bodice and eggshell skirt. The colors made her tanned skin look incredible and her face, framed by long, brunette waves, was simply flawless. Suddenly, I found myself wishing I was several years younger. Thinking about Alice's comment regarding our age and my non-existent gray hairs made me cringe.

"Bella, why are you looking at me like that?" Nicci asked, her large blue eyes growing wide. "Do I look okay?"

I snapped out of it and smiled at her. "You look gorgeous, Nicci," I replied with just the slightest hint of acid in my tone.

"See, baby girl, I told you," Emmett added.

She looked at him incredulously. "You said I looked like an Easter egg!"

Alice snickered and I shot her a warning glare.

Emmett sighed and rolled his blue eyes. "I said you looked like an Easter egg filled with candy...good enough to eat." He wiggled his eyebrows and smiled showing all his perfectly straight teeth.

"Point proven," Alice whispered, leaning into me. I smacked at her coat sleeve and giggled.

We picked up Garrett and Tanya, both of whom looked like they had just walked off the set of a glamorous photo shoot. Garrett, in a slim-fitting black tux, vest, white shirt and bowtie...and Tanya – once she slipped her long, tan coat off – in a gold sequined mini with a wide waist, that made her look even tinier than normal, and a sheer skirt with gold trimming. I had to admit, the dress was incredible. She looked like a human firework. She _looked_ like New Year's Eve. I also had to admit to myself that I was a little jealous that it seemed so effortless for those girls to look amazing when Alice had taken hours with me, but when I caught Tanya eyeing my dress and then curling her lips up in approval, I felt victorious somehow. Though, why I needed her approval was beyond me.

Maybe because she was Edward's first love and I was the girl that took her place? I didn't know, but it seemed everything I felt circled back to him.

He glanced over at me, questioningly at first, then smiled warmly, sliding his palm in mine and entwining our fingers. He knew I'd been a nervous wreck all day, not about tonight but about the safety of my mom and babies. I still was. Assessing everyone's attire only served to distract me for seconds at a time. My mind continued to revert back to the night before, the unabashed fear and uncertainty I felt. Even Fort Knox itself wouldn't have stopped me from worrying myself to death.

Edward leaned over and kissed my temple, smiling against it. "Baby, relax. They'll be just fine." I nodded and tried out a smile that I hoped didn't look as painful as it felt. Alice looked over at me with a worried expression, but I waved her off. "Let me show you something. Give me your phone." I looked at him dubiously and he sighed. "Please, it'll make you feel better, I promise." Reluctantly, I reached into my nothing-of-a purse, pulled out my new iPhone (Charlie still spoiled his little girls), and handed it to Edward. He took it...punched in some things, furrowed his brow a couple times, then smiled all smug-like and turned my phone to face me.

"What?" I asked, utterly confused.

"You have to type in a password. Make sure it has at least one upper-case letter, one symbol and one number."

"What is this?" I was trying to figure out just that. I saw the word 'surveillance' but it still wasn't registering.

"Baby, just do it," Edward chuckled, "and I'll explain."

After scrolling through several possible passwords in my head, I finally picked one and typed it in as Edward rolled his eyes playfully. He showed me what areas to touch and with a few passes of my thumb, I was amazed to see my living room, the twins' bedrooms, and the outside of my house pop up on my screen.

"What?" I asked, dumbfounded.

"See, you just touch the screen like this..." he demonstrated, enlarging the living room scene." And you can see up close. Look, Bella, they're fine."

I smiled, tears pricking at the back of my eyes as I saw the twins dancing around to whatever was playing on the TV and Renee clapping along.

"And I'm...the only one who can see this? I mean, it's safe?" I asked, still staring at my phone in awe.

"Yes," he answered, leaning into me. "It's an app Em developed exclusively for his customers. So unless you give your password out, you're the only one who can see this."

"Wow," I muttered absentmindedly. "Emmett, you're a genius!"

That got Alice's attention and she leaned over to see what the fuss was about. I showed her the scene and she giggled.

"And you're just now figuring out that my awesomeness and genius knows no bounds?" Emmett joked. At least I thought he was joking. "I gotta admit I'm a little offended, Bells." He winked at me with that wolfy grin and I couldn't help but roll my eyes with a smile.

A moment later, he popped open a bottle of champagne, passed it around, holding up his glass.

"I've said it before and I'll say it again...boys, looking around this limo I'm positive that we are the luckiest bastards on the planet. I mean, _damn_, look at these gorgeous ladies! And the scary thing is, I'm also pretty sure..." he looked at Nicci with a glimmer in his eyes, "that they love our sorry asses." I felt a fluttering in my chest as Edward squeezed my hand gently. "So here's to a new year full of love, happiness, and hot, hot sex, motherfuckers!" We all clinked our glasses together, laughing. "Time to get this shit on and poppin'!" He shouted before downing his glass in one gulp.

I was in awe once again when we arrived at the Hilton Chicago hotel. As long as I'd lived in Chicago, I'd never been there. It stood tall before us and seemed to sparkle amidst the snow, ice and lights of downtown. It felt...magical. The lobby was equally beautiful. Marble floors, a grand staircase and pillars that dwarfed everything beneath them. I felt Edward chuckle as he wrapped his arm around me and led me toward the elevators, my eyes wide like those of a child.

We ascended several floors, finally entering a ballroom that was massive and didn't really even resemble what I had pictured. Beautiful, twinkling lights were strung everywhere, a large stage had been erected at the end of the room complete with a barrier in front – like at a rock concert – and a DJ already spinning tracks. The beat of The Black Eyed Peas, 'I Gotta Feelin' flowed through me immediately and I couldn't help but sway my hips a little as I took in my surroundings, and the hundreds of beautiful people dressed in their sexiest party attire.

Edward's hands perched on my sides; he dipped his head low, looking at me with brilliant green eyes and a mischievous grin. "Wanna dance?"

"Not yet," I said, shaking my head and feeling suddenly insecure. "I'll need a couple drinks in me before the dancing starts."

His smile widened. "Alright, then. Let's go." He jerked his head to the side and again led me, his hand at the small of my back radiating heat throughout my body, behind the rest of our group into another room. He didn't say anything, but the tickets he handed the door man clearly said 'VIP' on them. I raised my eyebrows, impressed.

The room was much less claustrophobic. Smooth jazz played throughout the place as people lounged on red leather sofas around low, sleek-black tables. We were shown to our reserved area, which was no different, I noticed, along with the two rather large bottles of Grey Goose vodka jutting up from the blackness of the table. I sat down gingerly, hoping like hell not to rip my tight dress, and jumped when Emmett clapped his hands together, plopping down on the sofa opposite me, pulling a squealing Nicci onto his lap.

"Yes!" he bellowed. "Time for some drinks, ladies! Edwina?" Edward stuck his middle finger up, smiling. "Jazz, you know they can make all kinds of frou-frou drinks with that!" Emmett pointed at the bottles.

"Fuck you, man," Jasper drawled, rolling his eyes. "I'll take whiskey or tequila."

"Tequila shots!" Alice shouted. I wrinkled my nose at her because really...I was planning on enjoying the night, not spending it barfing up my guts in the ladies room.

"Well, I'll take a double vodka and cranberry," I offered. All eyes turned to me. "What?" I shrugged. "It's not like I never drink. I can handle it."

"I'll have the same," Tanya piped up, and before I knew it, all the girls were drinking the same tangy but sweet, red concoction that I was.

Drinks flowed, the waiter came by several times for refills and soon I found myself feeling very..._very_ good. Alice dragged me along with the other girls to the main dance floor where we proceeded to shake our asses to Lady Gaga's 'Bad Romance.' We kept on with the ass-shaking when Pitbull's 'I Know You Want Me' came on as the boys watched on lustfully. We may or may not have put on a little show for them. Funny thing about alcohol and sexy dancing...they seemed to go hand in hand. Even Alice and Nicci were grinding against each other…giggling. I thought Jasper and Emmett were going to pop a few blood vessels. Edward just kept staring at me, his green eyes on fire, so I licked my lips, trying to grin all sultry and shit. At least I thought I was being sultry. In all honesty, I probably looked ridiculous given the rather strong buzz I was copping, but the look on his face told me he liked what he saw.

Fucking. Score.

He caught me coming off the dance floor and folded me into him, his large hands resting directly on my ass cheeks, igniting sparks of pleasure ricocheting throughout my body.

"That..." he murmured in my ear, "was extremely hot...and so very dangerous." He bit down on my ear lobe, licking where he'd bitten and _hell_, I nearly lost my mind.

"Damn, ladies! Nice...fucking...moves," Emmett growled, grabbing Nicci's hand and pulling her to him when we sauntered back into the VIP lounge for a breather. He plopped down on the sofa with Nicci still standing in front of him, blatantly reaching both hands up her skirt, and grabbing her ass. She squealed, cursed at him and slapped his hands away as I burst into a fit of giggles. "Oh my God," Emmett groaned. "You have no idea how fucking hard I am now, baby. Getcha fine ass down here!" Nicci giggled as he pulled her down and I just hoped they didn't decide to go at it right there in front of everyone. Tanya and Alice were laughing hysterically about who knew what as they snuggled with Garrett and Jasper, and Edward had disappeared into the restroom. So, I took a moment to call Renee and check on the twins.

She laughed loudly when I asked if they were winding down, being that it was ten-thirty, proceeding to tell me that they were still dancing around like maniacs as they watched New Year's Rockin' Eve. Furthermore, she told me, I wasn't to be worrying about them tonight. I was to get my ass off the phone – her exact words – and enjoy my night with Edward. Still I couldn't help but pull up the camera after ending the call. The scene was exactly as she described, so I was able to relax, reveling in my babies having the best time with their Grammy.

There was a very small dance floor in the VIP lounge, settled in the middle of everyone relaxing, (or in our group's case, making out), and enjoying their drinks. The amazing mix of music they were playing...R & B, acoustic, indie...was enough to drive one's libido insane. Just as Etta James' incredible voice came over the speakers singing her classic 'At Last,' Edward returned. His eyes bore into mine, his gaze so intense it made my nerve endings sizzle with excitement as he held his hand out to me.

"Dance with me," he demanded. His voice was like warm honey. I giggled as if I was in junior high and the cutest boy in school had just asked me out. The vodka and champagne had my head swimming, but I took his hand nonetheless because there was nothing in the world I could do to resist him. The truth of the matter was that despite my lack of coordination, especially while inebriated, I didn't want to resist him.

Edward held me so close to him it was as if our bodies were fused together. He swayed us from side to side with ease as the soulful chords filled my head and my body, completely taking me over.

He dipped his head low as I nuzzled into his neck and began to hum the tune before singing along with Etta in my ear. I melted into him. I was done for...putty in his hands to do with what he pleased. I had never, in my entire life been more in love with this man than when he uttered the following words to me.

"When we get married," he purred. "I want our first dance to be this song."

I pulled back and stared at him. After blinking a couple times to get his gorgeous face in focus, I saw the seriousness in his expression. I grinned lazily. "Are you asking me to marry you, Doctor Cullen?"

He was quiet for a moment.

"Yes," he answered, his eyes dark and emotional.

I touched his chest, feeling the pendant beneath his shirt. Hooking my finger under the chain, I pulled it out.

"You're wearing it," I stated inanely.

"I never take it off," he answered quietly. He took it gingerly from my fingers and kissed it before leaning in to kiss my lips. I stopped breathing, sighing when he let me go. He reached for my hand and lifted it. "You're wearing it too."

"I never take it off," I repeated his sentiment, smiling.

"You're avoiding my question," he said, kissing the ring on my finger.

"What question?" I teased.

He rested his forehead on mine. "Say you'll marry me, Bella."

_God,_ I stopped breathing again. He had my world spinning on its axis with five little words. I bit my lip, looking up at him through my lashes.

"Can't," I said, holding back a girlish giggle. "I have to get divorced first."

He chuckled and rolled those incredible emerald eyes. "You're making me work for this aren't you?"

"Yep," I smirked.

"You know I mean after that. Just..." he sighed and his expression sobered, his eyes speaking more than his words ever could. "Say that you'll marry me, whenever you're ready, whenever you want. I'm yours, Bella, now, in twenty years, in fifty years, forever." Even in my half-drunk state, I could barely fight the lump that settled in my throat.

"I don't deserve you," I whispered.

"Yes you do."

"Edward, don't you understand? I already told you I'd say yes. I'll always say yes to you. As much as you're mine, I'm yours a thousand times more."

"Goddamn, I love you." He seemed overcome with emotion as his lips met mine feverishly. His tongue slipped into my mouth, gliding against mine and I moaned, completely forgetting where we were, that we had an audience. When we finally broke apart, cheering erupted all around us. Not entirely sure why, we turned to head back and noticed our entire table giving us a standing ovation. Emmett was cat-calling, whistling through his fingers, and my face exploded with heat.

"What the hell was that all about?" Alice shrieked as I sat down, both mortified and in a dreamy haze.

"He asked me to marry him. I need a drink."

_"What?"_ Her tone was deafening.

"Never mind," I said, rolling my eyes, smiling like a villain at Edward, who returned my smile with a coy wink.

An hour and a few more drinks later, I found myself on the main dance floor with the rest of our group, grinding shamelessly up against Edward to some song with a sexy beat and feeling way too hot and bothered to be in public with him. I felt his erection grow with every pass of my ass against his pelvis, his hands tightening on my hips. My inhibitions were lost. I felt sexy and wicked and..._really_ fucking happy.

The song changed to something retro and I noticed Emmett's sort of blurry image throw his hands up in the air. "Oh yeah, they're throwing the eighties out now, motherfuckers! Edwina! Remember this song?"

"Nah, man that was before my time, "Edward shouted over the music, shaking his head as he laughed.

"Oh please, you're not that much younger than me, asshole!" Emmett shouted back. He started swiveling his hips and singing at the top of his lungs. "One night banging my cock makes a hard man humble!"

"And those aren't even the words, ass-clown!" Jasper added, shaking his head teasingly.

Emmett ignored him, strutting around singing, "Bangkok, oriental setting, where the pussies don't know what they're gonna be getting!"

I burst into laughter, doubling over and losing my balance only to be caught by Edward, who pulled me back against him, against his hardness, making me gasp.

"You wanna bang my cock?" he murmured in my ear. His boldness excited me, making me shiver. I nodded my head immediately.

"Yes," I breathed, turning in his arms, attacking his mouth, moaning as his tongue caressed mine. I barely registered my sister complaining to Nicci that only her boyfriend could take a song written about chess and turn it into something about weird sex. I giggled into Edward's mouth, not really knowing why I was giggling into his mouth, but suddenly everything was funny.

I did, however register Alice yelling something to the effect of, "enough talk about banging cocks!" and pulling me away from my steamy, dance floor make-out to drag me with her to the bathroom.

_'Damn it_, Alice, you're a cock-blocker!" I cursed at her, my words a little slurred. "Why are you bock-clocking me? I mean..." I giggled again. "What've you got against the _cock?"_

"What? Nothing! Jesus, Bella. Cock this...cock that! Lotta cock-talk coming out of you tonight." She rolled her eyes.

"And Emmett," I laughed.

"Ugh! Neanderthal." She curled her lip up.

"You know, it's all for show." We both turned to see that Nicci had followed us into the bathroom. She pulled out her compact and began to casually powder her face. "The first time we had sex, he cried like a little baby." She snapped her compact shut and grinned at us. Alice stared at her, stunned.

"_Aww,_ he's sensitive!" I cocked my head to the side. "He's like a big, sensitive grizzly bear." I gasped. "Oh my God, I forgot to tell you...he totally fucking kissed Edward on the lips!"

Nicci giggled. "I didn't say he wasn't a weirdo."

"Holy shit!" Alice squealed. "I always miss the good stuff!" She turned to me and pursed her lips. "Speaking of the good stuff, how 'bout that proposal, sister?"

"What?" I shrugged.

She looked at me incredulous. "Um...you're not even divorced yet!"

"Wow, you're really smart, Alice!" I said mockingly. She glared. "Oh for fuck sake, settle down. It was a 'will you marry me in the future'...not tomorrow. Now can I get back to making out with my hot boyfriend?"

"Whatever," Alice pouted.

"You better go give Jazz some attention. I bet his cock is lonely," I teased her.

After a few more seconds of pouting, she grinned wickedly. "I do love his cock..._a lot."_

The three of us burst into a fit of giggles as we left the restroom. "Come on girls, let's go get our cocks!" I shouted, earning me more than a few curious glances from other party goers.

I took a second to admire Edward from a distance as we found the guys sitting on the sofas and laughing about...whatever guys laugh about together. I sighed and bit my lip as I looked him over. Everyone else may have been a little blurry, but he was crystal clear to me.

_Damn_, he was just all sex and hair and tailored suit...sharp jaw worth nibbling on and sparkling green eyes. I loved the way his whole face smiled; I loved his beautiful straight teeth, and the way his eyes crinkled up when he laughed. He was so incredibly gorgeous it almost hurt to look at him. My stomach flipped, my heart thudded as heat flooded my body.

He caught me staring and held my gaze, smiling warmly, crooking his finger toward him, beckoning me. My feet moved without my consciousness, the magnetic force too strong to resist. He pulled me down onto his lap as I immediately snuggled into him.

"What were you doing over there, baby?" His voice was like smooth velvet.

"Staring at the hottest man in this room," I replied, nibbling on his ear. He shivered.

"_Mmm_...should I be jealous?" He smiled against my neck.

"Only if you're jealous of yourself," I murmured.

"Not at all." He tucked a stray curl behind my ear. "The sexiest woman in this room is sitting on my lap." I squirmed a little at that, making him groan, and laughed victoriously. I noticed Tanya and Garrett returning to the table, realizing they'd been mysteriously gone for a few minutes.

"Tanya!" I jumped up, stumbling a little and catching myself on Edward's knee. "Where've you two been hmm?" I sing-songed, pointing between them. "You missed all the cock-talk."

Alice and Nicci busted out laughing just as I realized how loud I actually said that, but I couldn't find it in me to care.

"What?" Tanya asked, looking at me like I was certifiable. Proving my point that, had she not missed the cock-conversation, she wouldn't have been looking at me like that.

"We were discussing how delicious our men's cocks are," I said matter-of-factly.

"Oh holy shit!" Alice shrieked, covering her face and laughing hysterically. "Cut her off, Edward!"

"Goddamn it!" Emmett bellowed. "I miss all the good conversations! You assholes know I topped out on _that _discussion!"

"Not!" I yelled. Edward snickered while Emmett playfully glared at Nicci.

"Well, I'm sorry I missed that," Tanya said, quirking an eyebrow and placing her hand right on Garrett's crotch. He looked like he might pass out. "But I can assure you, we're doing just fine in that department."

"Hell yeah!" Alice cheered, high-fiving Tanya. "We're all dirty sluts! I'll drink to that!"

Emmett poured a round of vodka shots and we all held them up. "To hot cocks and dirty sluts!"

"Hear-hear!" we chanted collectively. I downed the shot and coughed as it burned its way down my throat. Edward patted my back gingerly.

"You okay, baby?"

"I'm...fucking _perfect!_ Another round of shots!" I hiccup-yelled as Emmett enthusiastically agreed, grabbing the bottle.

"Careful," Edward whispered in my ear. I don't want you passing out on me tonight."

I shoved my finger onto his lips. "Don't you worry your gorgeous little head about that. Imma take _verrrry_ good care of you tonight. 'Cause I'm awesome! _We _are awesome!" I pointed at the girls, who lifted their shot glasses along with me. "We...are sexy-ass bitches!" We all cheered again and downed the shots. That was the moment when things got a little...sketchy.

I stood up to dance with the girls to…something, I wasn't sure what. For all I knew, it could've been a song in my head. Nevertheless, I nearly fell right on my ass. This time, I caught myself on the table – though I didn't know how since it was just a big black blob at that point – and Edward scooped me up into his arms.

"Baby, slow down!"

He held me tight against him as the room seemed to spin around us. The spinning slowed the longer he held me, and I laughed as his face finally came into focus.

"_Ohhhhh_, serious doctor face," I slurred, patting his cheeks lightly.

"Bella." He looked annoyed. It only made me giggle more. "You've had too much. You're gonna be sick, baby."

I sighed, staring at him. "You're so pretty."

He grinned a little. "Oh I am, am I?"

I nodded. "_Soooooo_ pretty..." I nibbled his chin. "And _seck-sie_..." I nibbled his ear. His grip on me tightened. "I mean, so seriously, I'm a lucky little lady."

"You're drunk," he chuckled.

"So what? I'm not blind." I pulled away and turned around. "Alice Swan, how hot is my boyfriend?"

"Bella," Edward groaned. "Stop."

"Shut it, mister!" I pointed my finger at his nose, smashing it a little. He was still gorgeous, even with a smashed nose. "Alice?"

"Um...awkward," she said, eyeing us both. I continued to stare at her, my eyebrows raised – at least I thought they were. I couldn't feel them. "Okay, fine. He's hot. Happy?"

I squealed. "See? I have the hottest boyfriend _ever_!" I shouted.

"Okay, baby, enough."

"I'm a married bitch with a_ very_ sexy boyfriend!" I sang.

"Bella!" Edward said sternly. Naturally, my drunk-ass ignored him.

"I should've never married that…that idiot! He's _so_ stupid! _I_ was stupid! I'm _sorry_!" My emotions confused the hell out of me. Two seconds ago I was dancing and singing, and now I was getting all weepy.

"Okay, Bella, it's okay. Please just stop talking about it now," Edward tried to soothe me, but the annoyance was clear in his tone.

"Stop talking about how I fucked everything up? I'm sorry I fucked _everything_ up!"

"You didn't, baby, _stop_," he pleaded, cupping my face in his palms. "I love you."

"You love me?"

"You know I do. _Christ_, I'm cutting you off now." He clenched his jaw.

"Even though I'm stupid and married a jackass?"

"That's it! Let's go!" he hissed, pulling me away from everyone and toward the restrooms.

"Hey! Where are you guys going?" Alice called after us. "It's, like, five 'til midnight!"

"We'll be back!" Edward yelled over his shoulder. His steps were quick, his body rigid. He seemed..._really_ pissed and I was confused.

"Edward, are you mad?" I asked, stumbling to keep up with him.

"No," he answered, his tone clipped. I didn't believe him.

"Yes you are!" I called from behind him. He pulled me around another corner, slamming my back against the wall. All I could do was stare at him wide-eyed as the fury rolled off of him in waves.

"I'm _not _angry, I just..." He stepped back and ran his hands through his hair before lunging toward me, making me jump. "I want you to stop _saying_ that shit. You're _not_ married to him anymore, do you understand me?" I nodded dumbly.

"But, technically I am," I snorted on my giggle until I was startled by Edward's hand slamming into the wall above my head.

"You're not, _goddamn it!_" he shouted. "You are mine..._mine!"_ He jammed his finger into his chest.

"I'm sorry!" I whined a little.

"Stop saying you're _fucking_ sorry!" he shouted again.

"Well stop fucking yelling at me!" I shouted back. I put my hands against his chest, shoving him. As irrational as it was on my part, he had succeeded in pissing me right the hell off. I was hurt that he was so angry with me, yelling at me when we were supposed to be having an amazing night. I didn't want to fight, so I tried to walk away from him, but he grabbed my arm. He pulled me back against him forcefully, suddenly attacking my mouth with his own like a man possessed.

He pushed forward until my back hit the wall, pinning me. He lifted my arms above my head, trapping them there with one hand, while the other one slid down my back to my ass, traveling lower. I gasped as I felt the hem of my dress rise up. His strong hand gripped under my knee, hitching my leg up and around his waist as he ground his hard cock into me...in just the right spot.

"Fuck!" I cried out as his hips surged into me again.

"Tell me what you want," he growled in my ear, sending a rush of heat directly to my core. His teeth grazed the pulse point on my neck. "Tell me."

_"You,"_ I gasped again. "I want you."

His left hand released my arms while his right continued to hold my leg in place. My arms dropped to his shoulders, my fingers tangling tightly in his hair, where they'd been aching to be as he held them suspended. Even through the material of my dress, his fingers left hot trails in their wake as they ghosted down my back, around my ribs to my breasts. He let go of my knee – which I kept diligently wrapped around his hip – to use both hands, kneading, pinching my nipples relentlessly, licking and sucking the skin just above them.

"Fuck, Edward," I moaned, pulling his head up, fusing my lips to his frantically. His tongue plunged into my mouth, unleashing a collective moan from us both. He pulled away, biting at my lips, kissing and nipping on my neck up to my ear.

"Tell me what you want me to do to you," he growled. Moisture pooled between my legs. My hips bucked against his hardness unwittingly. He groaned, pressing me impossibly harder into the wall.

"Please," I begged.

"Tell me," he whispered in my ear, nipping at my lobe, sucking it between his lips.

My entire body was over-heated, yet covered in goose bumps. I wanted him so much it physically hurt. I wanted him against the wall; I didn't care how exposed we were. I didn't care that anyone could walk by at any time. The alcohol I'd consumed had all but diminished my inhibitions, and all I could think about was him...inside me...now.

"I want..." I started, whimpering as his hands moved over my ass, under my dress, kneading the skin just below my panty line.

"Baby, tell me," he whispered, grinding into me and making me cry out in pleasure. Somehow, some semblance of logic did come back to me as I lifted my head and looked around frantically. I saw nothing but an empty hallway. "Bella nobody's coming. It's one minute until midnight; everyone's gathered in the main ballroom for the countdown." He dipped his fingers inside my panties, teasing my entrance, sliding them up my slick folds.

"Oh _God!"_ I cried, bucking involuntarily again.

"You better tell me, Bella, or I'm going to stop. I swear I'll stop. Now tell me…what the fuck…you want me…to do to you." He was teasing me in the most excruciatingly delicious way. His voice was stern, dominating. I nearly came from the sheer authority in it.

"I want you to fuck me. Now, Edward," I pleaded, "against this wall. Fuck me, Edward, _please_."

"Christ!" he groaned. He kissed me hard, thrusting his hips into me once before licking his hand – palm to fingers – brushing my panties roughly to the side and burying two long fingers deep within me.

"_Ahh_, yes," I whimpered, losing complete control of my body. My head fell back, my muscles clenched, my jaw fell slack as his fingers pumped and curled inside me. He pressed the heel of his hand into my core, circling it before his thumb began to work tight circles and flicks right on my aching clit.

"They're counting down, baby," he whispered in my ear, igniting the coiled sparks of heat. "Come."

I gasped, panting and rolling my hips as his fingers played me with perfect precision, like the most sensual melody on earth.

_"Five..." _

His whispered growl sent sparks of pleasure directly to my core.

_"Edward,"_ I moaned, clawing at his hair, desperate for his lips on mine.

_"Four..." _

His teeth grazed my lips, then my neck. The pleasure intensified so much it was almost unbearable.

_"Three..."_ He licked my ear lobe, his thumb working faster, his fingers diving deeper. I moaned loudly as the coiled heat began to spin out of control, sparks shooting through my torso, arms and legs.

_"Two_...come, Bella."

"Oh God..._oh God_," I chanted, feeling the heat snap. Undiluted pleasure coursed through my veins.

"One..." He bit down just under my ear, and I exploded, my muscles clenching, my body convulsing as I screamed out his name in pleasure amidst the roar of the crowd celebrating the stroke of midnight in the ballroom.

"Happy New Year, baby," he said, smiling against my mouth before kissing me passionately.

"I love you, Edward," I gasped, trying to catch my breath. "I love you so much. Happy New Year." My voice cracked with emotion as I clung to him, kissing him as if I was starved. I pulled away, staring into his lust-filled eyes. "Take me home and make love to me."

~*fOrSAKeN*~

_***Chapter End Notes: Thanks so much for reading! Now, I'm off to watch the season finale of The Walking Dead…woohoo! (Don't forget about the Facebook group. Come see pics and teasers, etc.) Until next time! **_


	60. Chapter 56 Falling Down in Pieces

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past  
Chapter 56, Falling down in pieces**

_**A/N: Mad, mad love to all of you, readers and reviewers, those who rec me to your friends. I heart you all. **_

_**My Betas held my hand through this (as always)…and for all they do, they own me. **_

_**Dual POV chapter… So…SO. Much. Happening in this chapter, and there's no way I can prepare you. I just hope you'll trust me to provide the HEA I promised you…eventually. *Serious, heart-wrenching drama warning.***_

_**I do not own the Twilight characters, nor do I own the songs used in this fic. But I hope you enjoy the twisted roller coaster ride I've created. Remember to keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times until it comes to a full and complete stop. The crazy plot below, I do own. So please respect**_

_**Songs: Down~Jason Walker feat. Molly Reed  
45~Shinedown (Lyrics spread through EPOV) **_

~*fOrSaKeN*~

"_I don't know where I'm at; I'm standing at the back, and I'm tired of waiting,  
Waiting here in line; hoping that I'll find what I've been chasing,  
I shot for the sky; I'm stuck on the ground, so why do I try? I know I'm gonna fall down;  
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown? Never know why it's coming down, down, down,_

_Not ready to let go, 'cause then I'd never know what I could be missing,  
But I'm missing way too much; so when do I give up what I've been wishing for?  
I shot for the sky; I'm stuck on the ground, so why do I try? I know I'm gonna fall down;  
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown? Never know why it's coming down, down, down,_

_Oh I am going down, down, down; can't find another way around,  
And I don't want to hear the sound of losing what I never found,_

_I shot for the sky; I'm stuck on the ground, so why do I try? I know I'm gonna fall down;  
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown? I'll never know why it's coming down, down, down,  
I shot for the sky; I'm stuck on the ground, so why do I try? I know I'm gonna fall down;  
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown? Oh, it's coming down, down, down."_

~*fOrSaKeN*~

_~Bella~_

The sound of incessant drum-beating roused me from my deep slumber. I tried to open my eyes, but it seemed they'd been soldered shut somehow. I managed to crack one eyelid open a little, only to be bombarded by the brightest light on the planet which sent a searing pain through the top of my skull. I groaned in agony, grasping for the covers, pulling them over my aching head. At that point, I realized there were no drums pounding—it was my own brain pulsing against my skull. It really was too bad...waking up feeling like ten shades of godforsaken hell when I was having – for once in a long time – the best dream ever.

_Edward's lips on my feverish skin, his emerald eyes burning into mine, his fingers stroking, caressing every inch of me, his beautiful, naked body pressing me into his mattress. And sleep...incredible, amazing, nightmare-free sleep with the man I loved_.

And then it hit me like a ton of bricks—I hadn't been dreaming at all. I'd been feeling. Those were real things, all of them. I had slept; though there wasn't much to be had once Edward brought me here, to his apartment.

Here, where I still was; still naked, still in his bed.

And writhing in pain.

Another thing occurred to me at that moment. Hangovers...really..._really_...sucked.

Still, my body defiantly warmed as thoughts from the night before filled my head. The problem was the double-edged sword in those memories. I always seemed to have this issue on the rare occasions when I'd had too much to drink. Things were always a little fuzzy the next morning, of course, but other things...things like my ridiculous behavior... Most of the time, those were glaringly obvious in my memory.

Last night was no different. Pieces of it were missing. I knew I'd been having a good time...a fantastic time, in fact. The girls and I had gotten along famously. Alice had even tolerating Nicci more so than usual. I knew I had danced with Edward…and that he'd asked me to marry him...someday. My heart fluttered at the memory of it. I knew we'd danced as a group, seductively and playfully, but I just couldn't recall the songs. I remembered the shots, the champagne, the vodka and cranberry drinks, all of which made my stomach roll at the thought of them.

But one thing made me cringe inwardly. I remembered I'd upset him. Edward. I had hurt him...or made him angry; I just...couldn't remember why. What I did remember thrilled me, made my body tremble with need, and saddened me all at once.

His rigid stance, his furious glare and clenched jaw, the fire in his eyes, the way his hands had touched me, hard and rough, followed immediately by soft, gentle caresses. He'd unraveled me, left me panting at the stroke of midnight. Left me wanting more. The urge for us to just get out of there soon after the New Year began was so great, I barely registered kissing and hugging my own sister, our friends, to wish them a Happy New Year. I did remember Alice's expression, that knowing smirk her face had held when Edward announced that we were leaving.

I remembered calling Renee on the way back to his apartment...talking to my babies and wishing them a happy new year. Suddenly relieved that they had been alright, I remembered looking over at Edward...and feeling the overwhelming need for one thing—him.

I smiled, despite the pain in my head and the nausea in my stomach, as the images of our love-making flooded into my mind. My body quickened. These images were also crystal clear in my memory. We'd barely made it through the door before clothes were being ripped off. Our lips and tongues exploring, our hands roaming and our bodies colliding...against doors, against walls...stumbling up the stairs. Edward, fed up with my drunken clumsiness and giggles, had finally picked me up and hauled me into his bedroom, where he devoured every inch of me, ultimately bringing us both to euphoric release.

It was...amazing. It was always amazing with him, always.

I heard the bedroom door creak open and his soft footfalls approaching. A light thud sounded on the nightstand and then the bed dipped next to me.

"Bella," he whispered. His voice was like a soft caress. I hummed sleepily in response, the sound making my head hurt more. "Can you come out of there?"

I pulled the comforter down over my face slowly. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't resist his quiet plea. As I blinked my eyes rapidly, the brightness hit me like a lightning bolt going straight into my brain.

_"Ow,"_ I whined, squeezing my eyes shut again.

I heard him chuckling softly. "Here, take these." He took my hand, gently turned it supine, and placed two pills in it. I opened one eye a smidge to look. Advil. He was a godsend.

"Thank you," I muttered weakly, sitting up gingerly and popping the pills in my mouth. I looked around, still with only one eye open, searching for something to wash them down with, when Edward finally took my other hand in his and wrapped it around a cold glass of water. I gulped almost the entire glass before he took it from me, and fell back against the pillow with a whimper. I felt his cool breath on my face as he leaned over me to kiss me on my forehead. I opened my eyes a sliver and, seeing that he was shading most of the light, I smiled in spite of myself.

He was utterly, unequivocally, ridiculously beautiful in the morning. I just didn't know how that was possible.

"Hey," I said, my voice sounding like a wounded Sasquatch.

"Hi, beautiful," he whispered. His eyes crinkled with his grin. "I guess 'how are you feeling' would be a stupid question at this point?"

I nodded, grimacing. He sighed, smoothing my hair away from my face.

"Well, I brought you something. Can you sit back up for me?"

"Coffee?" I growled.

He chuckled again. "No, some warm tea."

"Oh," I said, pursing my lips, disappointed. I really needed some damned coffee.

"Let's try this first," he offered, watching my facial expression closely. "The caffeine will help your headache, and the antioxidants are good for you, baby."

How could I resist him?

I nodded my still aching head and moved to sit up as Edward fluffed the pillows behind my back. He held the cup in front of me, but instead of taking it from him, I wrapped my hands around his and leaned into it. It wasn't the coffee I was craving, but it still smelled great...minty and citrusy. Taking a sip, I hummed in relief as the delicious liquid coated my throat and soothed my stomach. He sweetened it with honey. He was beyond amazing.

"I don't deserve you," I murmured with a sigh, feeling slightly better already.

"You said that last night." He looked a little chagrined. "Do you...remember?"

"Of course," I replied immediately. "Right after you asked me to marry you and I said yes."

His mouth spread into a wide, satisfied grin.

"I remember something else too," I continued, averting my eyes.

"What?"

I shook my head, not sure I wanted to approach the subject. His finger curled under my chin to lift my eyes to his.

"I...upset you. Why? What-what did I say to you?"

His eyes flashed, and his jaw clenched for a split second before he recovered. "You don't remember." It wasn't a question. He knew I didn't. "It was...nothing, Bella. You were just drunk and..." He hesitated, looking everywhere except my eyes. "Don't worry about it, okay? I'm...fine."

"I doubt that," I muttered, given the look on his face. "And I _am_ worried about it, Edward. Just tell me."

He sighed, running a hand through his hair before looking into my eyes with trepidation. "You just kept saying you're married...with a hot boyfriend." He grinned just slightly at the last part. My eyes grew wide. I was instantly mortified, knowing I hurt him by saying that and embarrassed him, probably in front of everyone within earshot. "And then you kept apologizing for marrying him and, Bella..." he trailed off, shaking his head. "I just didn't want to hear it anymore."

"I'm so sorry," I murmured, reaching up to touch his face. He didn't look angry, just sad. He took my hand, kissing my palm before running his thumb over my knuckles. His eyes tracked the movement. "I'm the one who should be sorry. I lost my temper with you and I hate myself for it."

"Well," I replied, lifting his chin this time so he could see the wry grin on my face. "I do remember the aftermath." He licked his lips, his eyes shifting quickly to my mouth and back up. "If that's going to be the result every time, I should definitely anger you more often."

He chuckled. "I can't promise it will...but I'll try." With that, he pulled me toward him, kissing me fiercely and making my insides burn. Arousal coursed through me, but at the same time, my head decided it had other ideas, beginning its steady, pounding drum beat again.

_"Ow,"_ I groaned again, pressing my hand into the sides of my head, desperate to relieve the pounding.

"Oh man, you're already starting with the headache excuses?" Edward said playfully...and quietly, thank God.

I smacked at his shoulder. "Seriously!"

"I know," he laughed. He was so beautiful when he did that...even when he didn't. Too bad I couldn't fully enjoy it. He leaned over and kissed my forehead. "Drink your tea, baby. I'll be right back.

Minutes later, he returned with a plate in hand and a smile. I immediately put my hand over my mouth, shaking my head as my stomach rolled at the thought of whatever was on it.

"Yes, you need to eat," he chided, with all the authority of puppy dog. "It's only dry toast. Take little nibbles until it's all gone. Doctor's orders. We have to get you feeling better, baby, you have a birthday party to plan." He leveled those gorgeous green eyes on me and I was putty in his hands.

"Yes, doctor." I rolled my eyes...which hurt like hell.

I must've dozed off after finishing the toast and tea because the next thing I knew, I awoke to the magnificent sound of Edward whispering my name and the feel of his feather-light kisses all over my face.

"I've drawn you a bath," he said, smiling.

For fear of sounding like one of the Grumpy Old Men, I merely nodded, stunned that he had even thought of such a thing. Though why, I wasn't sure. The man never ceased to amaze me. I let out an embarrassing squeal when he scooped me up in his arms, carrying me into his en suite bathroom. I couldn't help but nuzzle his neck, breathing in his incredible scent that was a little citrus, a little sandalwood, a little musk...and all Edward.

"Have I mentioned that I don't deserve you?" I whispered in his ear.

He hummed in response. "Indeed you have, my love, several times. And I've assured you each time that you do. I mean that," he said as he stood me on my feet. My eyes widened as I took in my surroundings. It was fairly dark in the bathroom, save for the small skylight above letting in some of the overcast light. There were candles lit on each corner of the huge tub, letting off the distinct scent of freesia. I looked up at him in awe as he gazed down at me. I wasn't even paying attention to the fact that I was completely nude. Apparently the modesty ship had sailed long ago because, as I looked up at him through my lashes, the burning in my belly intensified...no more nausea, no more headache...I just wanted him.

"I, uh, I added some bath oil. I thought you might like it." He shrugged, wearing that crooked grin...and boxer briefs. "And the candles are...I wanted this to be relaxing for you."

My heart swelled with the love I had for him, but my thoughts were lust-filled. I felt my body flush, feeling the heat of him near me, and I reached back, ghosting my fingers over his bare hips. He shuddered slightly, sucking in a breath through his teeth.

"I'll get in there on one condition," I murmured, trying to make my voice sound sexy. It was futile. "You come in with me."

"This is about me taking care of you, Bella." He snaked his arms around my waist, pulling me back against him. I felt him swell and harden against my lower back as I exhaled a quiet moan.

"This..." I pressed into him, grinning wickedly when he hissed, his fingers tensing against my stomach, "is non- negotiable."

He chuckled, his chest vibrating against my back. "You act as if I would ever deny you. You know I can't, baby. I'm just glad you're feeling better," he crooned, his lips taking purchase on the area just below my ear.

I pressed into him again and this time, he spun me around, lifting me with one arm as he discarded his boxer briefs on the floor, wrapping my legs around him. Turning us, he pressed me against the counter, his fingers teasing the flesh just below my bare ass.

I cried out as he entered me swiftly and stilled, both of us panting.

"Are you okay?" he breathed, obviously concerned with my exhaustion, not to mention soreness from the night before. I, on the other hand, was oblivious to it. Tired...yes. Sore...maybe a little. But this, him buried deep inside me, surging, filling me deeper with each thrust, was exactly what I needed, despite the slight pinch and burning. I needed more, always.

Hell yes, I was okay. I told him just that as his hips pistoned against mine twice more deliciously before he stopped.

"Hold on tight," he grunted, wrapping his long arms around me, pulling me from the cool marble but keeping our bodies tightly fused together. He took a couple steps to the bathtub, flipped a switch, making the water roar to life with churning bubbles – making me breathless in anticipation – and carefully stepped in. I didn't know whether to be excited that he had a Jacuzzi tub and we were about to have sex in it, or annoyed that I'd forgotten he had a Jacuzzi tub in which we could've been having sex all along. Dilemmas. Ultimately, I chose excited.

"Are you holding on?" he asked in my ear.

"Yes," I answered, scraping my teeth along his neck.

_"Fuck_, Bella, wait a minute," he groaned. I felt him twitch inside me; his knees buckled slightly. "Don't move," he ordered. _God_, it was so sexy when he demanded things.

He lowered us down until he was sitting with me straddling him in the huge tub. I spread my legs wider, immediately attacking his mouth as the warm water swirled around us.

"Move now, baby," he pleaded as he pulled back, gasping. I bucked against him, stopping, smiling wickedly, feeling like teasing him. "Keep moving..._fuck_...don't stop..._please_ don't stop," he moaned as I complied, grinding against him repeatedly, kissing him feverishly between his pleas.

The churning, jetted water was like a thousand little fingers teasing me, arousing me beyond what I thought possible; driving me to the brink.

_"Mmmm,"_ I moaned into his mouth as his hips surged up to meet mine, his hands roaming everywhere they could reach above and below the water.

"So good..._so_..._fucking…good_," he growled as his tongue stroked the shell of my ear, moving languidly to my jaw, chin, and finally delving into my mouth.

_"Edward...Edward...Edward,"_ I chanted, feeling the surge of his cock against my inner walls.

"Talk to me, baby," he begged. His right hand disappeared under the water, his left pressing and kneading my back, gliding up to my neck and tangling in my hair. I gasped, biting down on his lip when I felt his finger between us, circling my most sensitive flesh. Shockwaves of pleasure gripped my body, rendering me helpless as those talented fingers continued their dance relentlessly; our hips undulating in rhythm together. I whimpered, beginning to shudder as his mouth took mine, our tongues licking and sliding against one another.

"Tell me when you're coming, baby."

His words were all I needed. With one last thrust, I began to unravel.

_"I'm...I'm..."_ I could no longer speak. My orgasm ripped through me, holding me paralyzed and mute as the fire ignited, exploding through my body, my muscles clenching him without mercy. He released his hand, using both to grip my hips so tightly I thought I might bruise, but,_ God_, I didn't care. He held me to him, grunting loudly against my neck, his pelvis tilting upward once more almost violently as he stilled, pulsed and emptied into me.

Our chests heaved, our breaths short, unsteady. He held my face in front of his and kissed me softly. "It just gets better and better with you," he said, his eyes glimmering. I responded by kissing his forehead, as he always did to me.

"I'll remind you of that in fifty years when I'm old and wrinkly from head to toe with no teeth." I smirked.

"And I'll do the same when I'm old and decrepit, and the gear no longer works," he teased. I laughed, shaking my head. "It's not funny, Bella! Erectile dysfunction is a serious problem among elderly men! And there's a strong possibility you'll want to leave me for a much younger seventy-year-old with a working dick!"

I rolled my eyes. "I highly doubt that. And let's cross the erectile dysfunction bridge when we get there, okay?"

"Okay," he chuckled. "I love you, Bella."

A sudden impulse to cry took hold of me as I looked into his eyes, though I had no idea why. I decided at that moment, that I was never drinking again. Hangovers fucked with my emotions entirely too much.

"Promise you won't ever leave me." My voice sounded strangled, my words desperate over the whirr of the jets.

His expression sobered instantly, his fingers ghosting over my face tenderly. "Baby, I promise. I will never leave you, do you understand me? Never. You have nothing to worry about."

I nodded and smiled, still feeling this pang of despair deep in my chest.

He lifted me off of him slowly, the sting of the water making me whimper slightly, and helped me stand. He started the shower as the tub drained away the evidence of our love-making. My body felt as if it weighed a ton; my legs felt boneless as I struggled to rinse off the oil. Edward took control, as always, lathering me up, then himself, taking liberties to move my body under the spray.

"So much for relaxing," he said, noticing my exhaustion.

"I'm...fine, better than fine," I slurred a little, feeling the overwhelming need for sleep grip me once more. Another reason to never drink again...it rendered me absolutely useless the next day.

~*fOrSaKeN*~

I made a quick call to Renee to check on the twins, and was relieved to hear that they were still sleeping. She followed that up by telling me to rest as much as possible because, once they awoke, they were not only going to be amped up about the new year, but also about their birthday party happening the following day. _Didn't I know it_.

We cuddled on Edward's leather sofa watching a little of the Rose Bowl for the remainder of the morning. Well, Edward watched, I dozed off on numerous occasions as his fingers glided soothingly up and down my arm. Finally, the idea that I should probably get up and be a mother popped into my head, so I began to gather my overnight bag, my ripped dress, and the death-traps I called shoes from the night before together. Just as I finished packing up, while I was brushing through my tangled mess of hair, I heard Edward's phone ringing.

I walked into the bedroom just as he answered, noticing the change in his demeanor immediately. His eyes darted from side to side as he listened to the caller. His jaw clenched, his posture was rigid, tense.

"What's wrong?" His voice was as tense as his stance, but monotone, almost mechanical. His eyes flickered to mine when he noticed me, and I saw something in them that made my heart skid to a stop...fear. "How long has she been like this?"

_She?_ My mind reeled back to the day at Millennium Park when he told me about his patient and her baby that died. It made my heart ache for him that another one of his patients was possibly in trouble. I watched as the color drained from his face.

"Wake her up!" he screeched. I startled at his tone. "I'm sorry...Mom..._Mom_...where's Dad? Okay, I'm on my way. Yes, I have to run Bella home first. I'll...get there as soon as I can."

His mom? He was talking to his mom. And then I realized...he wouldn't have looked so terrified had it been one of his patients. _Oh God_, something was wrong with Kendyll. My hand flew to my chest with worry as soon as he ended the call and looked at me.

"We have to go. I...I'm sorry, we have to go now."

I nodded. "What's happened?"

"Kendyll's sick," he said walking ahead of me. "She spiked a fever out of nowhere. Esme can't get it to come down." He stopped and turned around to look at me. "Bella, it's a hundred and six." My eyes widened in alarm. "If it goes any higher...she'll seize." His chest began to heave; he seemed frozen, unsure of what to do.

I approached him quickly and took his arm. "Where's Carlisle?"

He shook his head. "He's at the hospital. Esme said he's in surgery. I-I have to get to her."

I nodded again. "Do you want me to come with you?" I offered, terrified for her.

He shook his head. "I need to get you back to your kids...Renee." He took a sharp breath. "Esme said she fell asleep. She can't be asleep. What if...what if she doesn't wake up? I can't...I can't..." he trailed off, shaking his head, his eyes glistening with unshed tears. My heart fractured for him because in that moment I realized...she was truly his child. For all intents and purposes, he was her father; he was all she had. He was being a dad in this moment, not a doctor...paralyzed by fear.

I placed my palm on his cheek. "Okay, Edward, let's go. We have to go."

He nodded mechanically.

As soon as we got in the car, I turned to him. "You have to get her to the hospital, Edward. Maybe Esme should call an ambulance?"

He shook his head. "I have to get to her. I...I have to take care of her," he rambled. As a mother, I couldn't argue with him. He felt the need to be there for her and I understood completely.

The drive to my house was quick and silent. Edward's hands were firmly gripped to the steering wheel as he sped through town. When we turned onto my long driveway, he released his right hand, reaching for mine, squeezing it tightly.

"I'm...sorry about this." His words were garbled, breathy.

I leaned over and grabbed his face, kissing him quickly. "Don't apologize for this, Edward. Just get to Kendyll." He furrowed his brow, nodding. "She'll be okay, baby," I tried my best to soothe him. "I know you'll take care of her...you don't know how to do anything else."

"I love you," he breathed, his forehead resting on mine.

"I love you too, Edward, so much. Now go. Call me as soon as you can, okay?"

He nodded, kissing my lips once more before I slipped out of the car and into my house.

I worried myself sick the rest of the day, especially when I didn't hear from Edward. I was thankful, though, that I had the twins to distract me. I kept myself busy with frivolous things like birthday parties rather than feeling an immense amount of guilt for not being with Edward...I prayed often, quietly to myself, that Kendyll would be okay. I had so many things on my mind that I could hardly keep my thoughts straight. Renee told me that there had been exactly zero phone calls...which meant that Jacob had yet to call and wish his kids a happy new year...which, in all honesty, pissed me off, but at the same time, I hadn't expected him to. He had called once...one time after I had text him to let him know the kids were sick, and that was all I'd heard from him in a week. I wasn't surprised. If it wasn't about Jake, he wasn't into it. I figured it would take a long while for him to get over Christmas day. It really kind of sucked for his children that he was a child himself.

What was mainly weighing on my mind, other than the situation with Kendyll, was that Sergeant Hawkins hadn't called. I'd been hoping they would've had news for me on James and the handwriting sample they said they were going to get from him, but I'd heard nothing. Again, maybe I shouldn't have been surprised. After all, I was no longer a "victim" in the eyes of the Chicago PD, and James was a non-suspect. None of that helped the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I felt helpless, and I hated it.

The twins and I kept busy, with Grammy Renee's help, cleaning up the house, the kids' rooms, and getting it ready for their party. Renee's odd sixth sense had apparently alerted her to my worry and unease, as she pulled me to the side at one point to drill me about what was going on. I had already explained to her about the house, showed her repeatedly how to use the security system – so much so that she had practically kicked me out the door the evening before, not wanting to hear it anymore – so she knew it was something else.

Reluctantly, I told her about Kendyll, and how I was going out of my mind with worry because I'd heard nothing. A part of me felt insane, worrying about a child I didn't even know. I could've justified it by saying I was just worried about Edward, which of course I was, but truth be told, this was Edward's child – in his mind at least – and I was more concerned than even I could explain. Because of my state of mind, and all of the drama exploding around me, Renee insisted on staying another night.

By the time the evening rolled around, I couldn't take it anymore. I thought incessantly about trying Edward's phone but I didn't want to bother him. I knew he was probably unable to speak anyway, or else he would've called. Still, I had to find out something, anything. So I called Nicci to find out if Emmett had heard anything by chance, only to discover Emmett hadn't even been aware of the situation. I felt terrible for putting him in this position, but I was desperate to know something. So when Nicci said Emmett was going to make a few calls and would get back to me as soon as possible, relief washed over me. She offered her support, which I appreciated, and didn't talk my ear off, which I appreciated even more.

When the phone rang, I snatched it up on the first ring.

"Hey Belly-Bells!" Emmett's chipper tone made me smile. I expected good news since he was so upbeat, but I should've known that was just Emmett. He sighed; I could hear the frustration in it. "Well, I got ahold of Carlisle. He says she's stable right now."

"What's going on with her?" I cut in. "Is Edward with her?"

"I don't know." He sounded as worried as I felt. "I guess they're running tests. Carlisle says Edward hasn't left her side. He'll call you, Bella, when he can. I know he will."

My heart stuttered in my chest before I answered with a simple "okay."

It was bad. It had to be. Edward would've called me by now if it was something less serious. I was grateful that Emmett had gotten me some information, and I told him so, but now I just felt more worry. Something in the back of my mind wouldn't let me relax about it. I just wanted to speak to Edward. I started to tell him goodbye, when he stopped me.

"Bells, you take care of yourself. Hopefully everything will be alright by tomorrow. He'll call you. I promise." I nodded as if he could see me. Something in his voice calmed me though. "And Nicci and I will see you tomorrow at the party."

"I'm so glad you guys are coming, Em. The twins will be so excited to see you again." _And Krissy will probably think Nicci is a real life princess_, that godforsaken inner voice taunted me. I rolled my eyes at my own thoughts.

"Well, I'm pretty sure little Robby still has his doubts about whether I'm a better ninja warrior than Edward. I feel I must prove myself," he said teasingly.

"As long as you don't call him 'little Robby' to his face," I laughed.

"Thanks for the tip."

After the twins spent what felt like hours bouncing off the walls, talking non-stop about their party and who was coming, etc., they finally began to wind down. I was hoping that Kellan was still going to be able to come because they were beyond excited to see him again. I almost got away with not telling them about Kendyll, but Krissy' s memory was inhumanly accurate. So when she mentioned meeting Kendyll, I had to explain that she was very sick and we should send her happy prayers. That seemed to do the trick. The twins fell asleep without further incident. Of course I couldn't help but hope for a miracle...that she would be fine and able to come tomorrow...but in truth, I knew better.

After Renee helped me tuck the kids in, she put her arm around my shoulder. "Bella, honey, you should get some rest. I know you're tired and we've got a big day tomorrow. You know Ali's gonna be here hours before she needs to, to start decorating."

I rolled my eyes and nodded, groaning. "If Edward calls—"

"I'll wake you; I promise."

As soon as I agreed, I heard my cell ringing in the living room. I had turned the volume up as high as it would go, hoping I wouldn't miss his call. I bolted down the stairs as fast as my legs would carry me without killing myself, and grabbed it. Finally..._finally_ it was Edward.

"Hey," I said as soothingly as I could.

"Hey, baby." His voice sounded worn and ragged. My heart ached for him instantly. "I'm sorry I haven't called. It's been..." He sighed.

"You sound exhausted," I murmured. "Is everything okay? How is she? Are you okay?" I instantly regretted bombarding him with questions. There was a long silence as I listened to his stuttered breathing. My heart began to pound, my stomach sank and, suddenly, I didn't want him to answer.

"I'm..." he sighed again, "just tired. She's stable...for now." I could hear the underlying anguish in his tone. It made tears prick at the back of my eyes.

"Do you know what's going on with her?" I asked, once again afraid of the answer. I couldn't help but feel everything Edward was feeling. My emotions were directly connected to his; it couldn't be avoided.

"Not really," he answered quietly. "And it's fucking difficult when we don't have medical records to go by."

"You can't get them?" I was shocked and confused.

"State government red tape," he complained. "But we should be getting them within the week. I just...hope it's not too late." The last part was barely audible, but I heard it, and it alarmed me.

"What? What...what do you mean, Edward?"

"Bella, I worked in pediatrics briefly and I've seen a lot of sick kids." He paused. I patiently waited for him to continue. "I've never seen a child as sick as Kendyll who wasn't a fucking cancer patient."

"Oh God," I whispered, moving to sit on the sofa.

He cleared his throat. I could tell he was getting emotional and it nearly killed me. "I'm not saying that's what it is. We don't know...they're running tests, but tests take time. It's so fucking frustrating. I mean, she hasn't been okay for a while and I should've known something was seriously wrong."

"Baby, you can't blame yourself," I cooed, but of course it didn't do much to calm him.

"I can when I'm a doctor and should've seen the signs," he snapped. I didn't take it personally. I knew it was just the worry and exhaustion talking. "I'm sorry, Bella. I'm just... She hasn't been eating that well since I've known her. We've practically had to make her eat. And now, she can't keep anything down. Her abdomen is distended; her fever has barely come down..."

I continued to listen as the floodgates finally opened.

"When I got to her, Esme had her awake, but she was barely coherent, delirious with fever. I _tried_...I tried to get her to respond to me, but then she just...collapsed on me. We...we rushed her here and she...Bella, she had a seizure...in my arms on the way to the hospital."

I gasped. I couldn't speak around the lump in my throat.

"Baby, I've never felt so scared...or helpless in all my life. I thought I was losing her," he admitted, his voice cracking. "I just wish I could hold you right now. I need you," he whispered.

"I know, Edward, I'm so sorry."

"No, _I_ am. You have so much going on and here I am putting all this on you. Baby, I'm sorry."

"Don't do that, Edward. I'm here for you no matter what, alright? I just want you to be okay, and Kendyll to be okay. Where's Kellan? Does he know?"

Edward sighed again, a drawn out, frustrated sigh. "He's with his mother." The disdain in his voice was clear. "He knows she's sick; Esme called him. But he doesn't know everything."

"Edward, I know you don't want to, but you need to sleep. Maybe you should go home, just rest for a while?"

"I'm gonna shower here," he said matter-of-factly. "I have extra clothes in my office. Esme is going to pick Kel up in the morning and bring him here so Rosalie can...do whatever it is that she does."

"That's good," I offered, "I'm sure he's worried."

"Bella, I hate to ask this of you. I...know you have a lot going on, but I don't want him to be worrying about this all day tomorrow. I want him to have fun, be distracted, ya know?"

I nodded. I really needed to stop doing that while on the phone. "Yes."

"So I was wondering, would it be okay if maybe I dropped him off early for the party?"

"You're not staying." I said that mainly to myself, not realizing just how selfish it sounded.

"Baby," he sighed again. "I need to be here with her. I...thought you'd understand... If-if you don't want him to be there without me, it's okay, I just—"

"Are you kidding?" I came to my senses, feeling like such an asshole for making him question me. "Edward, of course it's okay! I'm so sorry. I didn't mean anything like that. And if you think he'll be okay without you here, then absolutely. You need to be with her." I meant that from the bottom of my heart. It fractured me to think of how much pain he was in. I could feel it, even through the phone.

"Okay, baby, I should...I should get back." He sounded so sad. I fought the building tears in my eyes, but one slipped out traitorously. "Bella, thank you," he whispered. "I love you, so much. I'll see you tomorrow."

I held my breath, trying to keep the sob that wanted to escape at bay, blowing out slowly, evenly. "I love you too, Edward. Please get some rest."

~*fOrSaKeN*~

Morning came entirely too soon. The nightmares returned ten-fold. I saw James every time I closed my eyes. Saw him standing at the end of my bed holding a butcher knife, a creepy smirk adorning his face, waiting...waiting to cut me to pieces. And even though I didn't want to sleep because of that, I had to end up taking a sleeping pill. It knocked me out finally, but only with a couple of hours to spare before I needed to be up.

The twins were particularly relentless in their hyperactivity. They followed Alice and me around like lost little puppy dogs – with Renee trying fruitlessly to corral them – while we transformed the living room and kitchen into Alice's idea of a 'winter fairytale wonderland.' Sure, it wasn't princesses and ninjas, but the kids seemed taken by the idea of fairies, elves, tree monsters and snowflake queens. Icicles hung from nearly every corner of the rooms, white, sparkling taffeta was strewn about in ways to make it look like glistening snow indoors, and we attempted to erect a few dark, plywood trees around the living room. Thankfully, Emmett and Nicci were the first ones to arrive, as Emmett took on the job of finishing up the trees for us. When everything was finally finished, I looked around in admiration. My sister, pain in the ass that she was, was pretty damned brilliant.

When I introduced Nicci to the twins, I couldn't help the smirk on my face seeing how enamored they were with her. Robby stared as if he was witnessing an angel in the flesh, and Krissy pulled me down to her with wide eyes.

"Mommy is she a real princess?" my darling daughter asked. I wanted to roll my eyes, but I didn't.

"No, baby, but maybe to Emmett," I answered, giggling. I cut my eyes to Alice, who did roll hers as she turned to adjust some taffeta. "She's very pretty, though, right?" She nodded, her huge brown eyes glued to Nicci.

I ushered the kids into their rooms to get dressed. Krissy was so excited about her dress, I thought she would burst. She was the self-proclaimed ice princess. Really it was just a Tiffany blue dress with white tulle and a fair amount of sparkles. Robby, on the other hand, was not keen on the slacks, white sweater and plaid button-down Alice had specifically picked up for today.

"That's gay!" Robby shouted when I showed him the outfit. I was momentarily taken back by his brash behavior, but recovered quickly, shooting him a menacing mommy glare.

"Robert William! Your auntie Alice got this especially for you, and you _will_ wear it, understand?" He huffed, pouted and threw his little arms across his chest.

"I wanna wear my karate gi, Mom! It's not fair!"

I sighed. "Robby, it's dirty. You've worn it every day since Christmas."

"I don't care!"

Obviously reasoning wasn't in the cards. "Well I do, young man. And you better change that attitude or else there will be no present-opening for you today," I said sternly. Frustration built as he continued to pout. "Alright, how about jeans instead of the slacks? I promise I'll wash the karate thing and you can wear it tomorrow, okay?" I was trying to pick my battles here...compromise. _Oh the joys of motherhood_. He finally relented, knowing better than to push me further, and put on the damned sweater. Krissy insisted that Nicci help her with her dress, which hurt my feelings a smidge, but after all, Nicci was a fucking princess. I was sure she was in her own mind as well. I took what felt like about a thousand pictures since I knew I'd most likely be too busy attending to guests once everyone got there. That, of course, was another reason for Robby to pout.

Emmett insisted on checking out his 'handy work' as he called it, so I pulled up the surveillance system on the TV as he had shown me. Alice, Nicci, Emmett and I gathered around the monitor to check out the four different screens displayed. It really was pretty damned awesome.

"You were right, Bella, I am a fucking genius!" he bellowed. Nicci smacked him in the back of his head. He cowered, rubbing at the spot she smacked and scowling at her. "What? What the hell did you do that for?" She made to smack him again, but I stopped her, holding back a laugh.

"Um, little ears, Emmett," I started. He looked at me blankly. _Genius...right_. "Could you just watch your language a little?"

He raised his eyebrows. _Ah_, light bulb moment. He smiled at me sheepishly. "My bad." He glanced at the screen, suddenly pointing. "Bella, excuse my language, but who the _hell_ is that?"

"Who?" I stared at the area where he was pointing, but the screen was a little too grainy; all I saw was a blurry figure.

He zoomed in, pointing again. "That. Who _is_ that?"

I looked closely at the hooded man lurking around the end of my driveway. A chill crept its way down my spine; the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end...

_James_ stared into the camera with dead, ice blue eyes and smiled as if he knew we were watching him…as he watched us.

"Oh my God," I breathed, my trembling hand flying to my mouth. "It's James. We-we have to call the cops. I turned toward Renee, who was sitting on the sofa with the twins looking through a picture album. Her questioning eyes met my terrified ones. She stood immediately, leaving the book with the kids and rushing over to me.

"Bella what is it? What's the matter?"

"Mother," I said, trying to keep my voice low, trying like hell to keep the fear out of it. "There are more picture albums in my bedroom. Take the kids up there and don't come down until I say. _Please_."

She shook her head, confused. "What's going on?"

"Just please do it," I begged, "I'll tell you later, okay?"

She nodded. I watched as she expertly herded my babies upstairs. When they disappeared, Emmett walked up to me, taking my arm gently.

"James? The same James Edward beat up at the hospital? The fucktard who attacked you? The same James who came in here and the Chicago PD did nothing? _That_ James?"

I nodded as frightened tears filled my eyes. Alice was at my side in an instant, wrapping a protective arm around my waist. Nicci just looked more confused than usual. Emmett's eyes flashed. Never, in all the years I'd known him, had I seen rage in his eyes like I saw in that moment.

"Fuck the _fucking_ police," he growled, marching toward the front door.

"Emmett, wait! Where are you going?" I screeched, following him.

He turned on me pointing at the floor. "Stay here. I'm gonna take that motherfucker by surprise." Briefly, I debated internally whether I should get my gun for him. The sick part of me, as long as it could've been hidden from my children, would've been happy to let Emmett shoot to kill. But, I squashed that ridiculous idea as soon as I thought it.

"No! Emmett, _please_ don't!" I begged. "My dad will be here soon, maybe he could..."

"What, Bella? Arrest him?" He shook his head. "No, this motherfucker needs to be running scared, and that's exactly what I'm gonna make him do."

"Well, I'm coming with you!" I insisted.

"Me too," Nicci added.

_"No_, Bella. Nicci," he looked at her with such love in his eyes, it made me ache for Edward. "No. You stay here."

He tore out the front door, with Nicci and I both close behind him. "Alice, watch the camera!" I yelled behind me. "If something bad happens, call for help!"

"Bad as in James doesn't fucking die?" she called after me. I just shook my head.

"Goddamn it, I told you two to stay in the house!" Emmett snarled, stopping to confront us. _Jesus_, he was really scary when he was angry.

"This is my house," I muttered petulantly, jutting my chin out.

"Yeah!" Nicci chimed in. I looked at her incredulously.

"Are you kidding me?" his eyebrows crawled up to his hairline. After a couple seconds of staring at us, he shook his head. "Fine! Stubborn-ass women," he muttered. "Stay the fuck behind me."

With military precision, we snuck through the woods to the left of my driveway. Luckily, the sun had been out for the last two days leaving patches where the snow had melted. My heart thundered in my chest when James came into view, but by the time he noticed us, Emmett was already on him, grabbing him from behind, pulling his hood down and twisting it, strangling him.

"You have about two _fucking_ seconds to disappear before I put you to sleep!" Emmett roared. James immediately held his hands up, gesturing surrender as Nicci and I stared on in shock.

"Okay, man," James choked on his words.

Emmett shoved him so hard with one hand that James lurched forward, stumbling on the gravel before crashing into it; his hands visibly bloodied. "I'm going to start counting now, _motherfucker_," Emmett sneered. James stood up slowly, brushing his hands on his jeans – now stained with blood – and turned to us, leveling those deadly eyes on me, smiling malevolently. I shuddered, his cold stare freezing me to the bone. "One…two!" Emmett started toward him but I jumped forward, grabbing his arm. He stopped, looked from me to James and back to me before nodding reluctantly.

"Get the _hell_ out of here, James!" I hissed, trying to keep my voice steady. I was certain he was like a wild animal. He could smell my fear.

"Sure thing, sweet cheeks," he retorted. His voice made my stomach roll with nausea. "But won't you introduce me to your…" he paused, eyeing Emmett with almost amusement, then licking his lips as his eyes flickered to Nicci. It made me sick. "…friends."

Emmett roared with mocking laughter. "Emmett McCarty, _fuck-stick_, you want me to spell it? I'd say pleased to meet you, but I'm not. I'd really rather just take care of what your momma should of done with you in-utero a long fucking time ago. But obviously, she was a stupid _whore_."

James growled through his teeth; he glared at Emmett murderously as his nostrils flared and his jaw clenched. Emmett didn't even bat an eyelash. James seemed to compose himself long enough to cut his eyes to me before focusing on Nicci, who was clinging to the other side of Emmett.

"What's your name, gorgeous?"

"She's none of your fucking business," Emmett growled, stepping in front of her.

James chuckled. "What is such a beautiful, _young_ thing like you doing with an asshole like that? Does he take care of you like your daddy did?"

"You son-of-a-bitch!" Nicci screamed, jumping forward before Emmett could grab her. She slapped James across the face with a loud crack, his head jerking to the side violently.

"Nicci no!" I yelled, pulling her back toward me. Emmett grabbed her around the waist and whirled her around.

"I _told _ you to stay the _fuck_ behind me, Nicci!" he shouted.

"Nobody talks about my dad like that, _Emmett!"_ Nicci shouted back.

"Aw, this is sweet," James sneered. "Beautiful Bella, it's nice to see you got yourself a guard-dog. And what a cute one she is. _Nicci_," he sighed dreamily.

The next thing I knew, James was on the ground, writhing and holding his nose as blood gushed from it. Emmett towered over him with clenched fists, but when James began to laugh maniacally, Emmett reached down, picking James up by his hair with one hand. His other hand closed easily around James' throat. James struggled, but his feet weren't even touching the ground. For a moment, I really thought Emmett might kill him like this. I could do nothing but hold onto Nicci and stare. Emmett threw him literally ten feet into the street in front of my house. He landed with a thud, but rolled onto his hands and knees, getting up unsteadily.

"Didn't I tell you once already to get the _fuck_ out of here?" Emmett snarled.

James stood up, swaying slightly. He waved, as if he was just a friend of ours, leaving after a visit. What a sick and twisted individual. "See ya around, _Nicci_," he grinned ominously. "Bella," he turned his icy eyes on me. "I'll always see _you_ around."

Adrenaline coursed through me as I began to tremble from head to toe. I took a step forward but Emmett grabbed me. "You're sick, James!" I screamed. "You don't scare me or my friends, so leave right-fucking-now!"

Emmett strode forward, throwing another punch, this time in James' gut, which sent air rushing from his mouth and him flying backward once again. He rolled around until he was off the street on the other side. I watched as he crawled a ways before finally being able to get up and stumble off. Emmett put his arms around both Nicci and me, and walked us back to the house, watching over his shoulder, murmuring in my ear soothingly that James was gone. Once we got inside, I found that I had a hard time letting go of Emmett's arm. Before I could control myself, I was hyperventilating.

"Bella!" Alice and Nicci collectively shrieked in alarm. Emmett grabbed me, picking me up and holding me tightly to him. He repeated over and over that it was alright. That James was gone, that he wasn't coming back, but I couldn't seem to calm down. "Breathe, Sis, breathe," Alice chanted.

"I need Edward," I whimpered, gasping for air. "I need E-Edward."

"Oh, thanks a lot! My head just shrank a little, Bells," Emmett chuckled. "What am I, chopped liver?"

Finally getting my breathing under control, I stepped back from him. "I'm so sorry, Emmett, I didn't mean it like that. I don't…I don't know how to thank you. You didn't have to—"

"Bella, stop. How many times do I have to tell you, Edward's not the only one around to protect you? You're like a little sister to me. I'll always have your back."

I hugged him tightly. "Thank you."

"Aw, shucks," he said, rolling his eyes. "Now come on, get those kiddos down here, it's time to party!"

"Emmett, no one is here," I said smiling.

He looked around, his brow furrowed, finally grinning at me. "So? _I'm_ here."

~*fOrSaKeN*~

Angela and Ben were the next ones to arrive, followed not long after by Garrett, Tanya and Journey. I was getting a little worried because it was later than Edward said they'd be here, and he and Kellan had yet to show up. Though the party had barely started – Emmett and Nicci were hours early – I couldn't help but feel like something was wrong. At least I was distracted by mommy duty, scolding the twins every five minutes for bombarding Angela about her swollen belly and trying to touch said belly to feel the baby move. Ang took it in stride, giggling, letting them touch one at a time.

"Dude, that's so gross!" Robby screeched when he apparently felt a kick. "It's a Kung Fu baby!"

"Alright," I chided. "Krissy, why don't you take Journey to your room and show her your princess castle until it's time for presents." She squealed, taking the beautiful little girl's hand – who looked almost identical to her mother – and leading her up the stairs. About that time, I saw Robby standing in the kitchen, sulking a little.

"What's the matter, buddy," I asked, leaning down to him.

He shrugged. "There's no boys here for me to play with." I instantly felt guilty. Because of everything going on in our lives, I had opted out of inviting children from their class at school to the party. I just didn't want to risk having strangers' kids in my house should something have gone awry. I was glad I made that decision after the incident with James, but still, it wasn't fair to my babies.

"I'm sorry, baby," I whispered so that only he could hear me. "But, hey, Kellan should be here any time now."

His beautiful eyes lit up. "Really?"

I nodded. "Yep." I was interrupted by Tanya as I stood up from my son.

"Hey Bella." She walked over to me, wrapping me in a warm hug. "Are you doing okay? I just heard about the break-in," she whispered the last part. I stiffened, but nodded.

"I'm fine. Thank you," I said politely. "Your little girl is gorgeous. She looks just like you."

Tanya beamed back at me, then looked down at Robby, who was – of course – smitten instantly by the beautiful strawberry-blonde. "Well, this little man is the spitting image of his momma," she grinned at him. The side of Robby's mouth curled up, his nose twitching as he stared wide-eyed at her. I had to laugh. It reminded me too much of Mowgli from Disney's The Jungle Book. "Hey," Tanya looked back at me. "I also came in here to let you know that Edward is here." She winked at me, obviously seeing my face light up like a Christmas tree. "Tell him I'm thinking about him," she added, looking worried. "I hope she's okay," she whispered.

"I will," I said, giving her a quick hug, heading into the living room. When I saw him, I almost broke down in tears, but I held them back. He was talking to Emmett, Nicci and Garrett – Alice was hanging around him as well. He looked so completely worn out that my heart fractured even more for him. I walked straight up to him as he watched me with weary eyes, and pulled him into me, holding him close. Everyone seemed to take the hint. Emmett told him he'd catch him later and everyone dissipated.

"Hey, baby," he whispered in my ear, sending butterflies fluttering through my body. I didn't want to let him go, but I was certain Kellan was feeling a bit awkward standing there while I clung to his father, so I let go of him long enough to greet his son.

"Hi Kellan!" I tried to sound as chipper as possible, given the circumstances. "I'm so glad you were able to come. The twins are so excited, especially Robby." He smiled, a little sadly, and nodded. _God,_ I didn't know what else to say to him. Did I bring up Kendyll or just avoid it? I didn't have much experience with the whole 'your friend/soon-to-be sister is in the hospital deathly ill' scenario. I looked up at Edward with worry. Edward smiled at me and nodded encouragingly.

"Little man, did you know Uncle Emmett is here?" Kellan shook his head, but smiled a little wider. "Why don't you go put those gifts with the others and see if Robby wants to hang out?"

Kellan nodded. He looked up at me, clearing his throat. "Um, thank you for inviting me, Bella. Kendyll…well, she was gonna come, but she's…sick."

My heart sank as I looked down at him and tried to clear the lump from my throat. I cupped his cheek. "It's okay, and you're very welcome, Kellan, always."

Edward leaned down and hugged his son, whispering something in his ear, which Kellan nodded again in response to. "I'll see you later tonight, okay little man? Love you." Kellan nodded. He smiled at me sheepishly, no doubt a little embarrassed by his dad's blatant declaration of love, and hurried off into the living room. I threw myself back into Edward's arms. He hugged me tightly.

"How are you?" I asked, looking up at him with concern.

"I'm okay," he sighed, the dark circles under his eyes glaring examples of his exhaustion.

"You didn't sleep at all, did you?" I tried not to sound as chiding as I wanted to.

"A couple hours," he admitted. I couldn't say anything. After all, that was all I'd slept, wasn't it?

"How is she?" I was almost afraid to ask.

Surprisingly, he smiled. "She woke up this morning actually feeling better. Eating, joking with me, telling me I worry too much like she always does. She's amazing, Bella. As sick as she was, I couldn't believe it this morning." He sighed exasperatedly.

"That's great, right?" I asked, watching his expression grow dark again.

He nodded. "Yes, but we still don't know what's going on with her. And her fever is down, but it's not gone. They're pumping her full of antibiotics, fluids to keep her hydrated, and they're still running tests." I laced my fingers through his as he continued. "It could be anything, you know?" he stated. I nodded. "I just wish we knew. I mean, it could be a residual infection from the accident, from the hospital itself; it could be a new infection. I hope we get those records soon. They can't do anything but help. Carlisle even tried to mention…" he trailed off, his jaw clenching repeatedly.

"What, Edward?" I said, touching his face.

He blew out a trembling breath. "He wants me to prepare for the possibility of c-cancer."

"Oh no," I gasped, my fingertips covering my mouth quickly.

"But that's _not_ what it is." He shook his head. "It's not, I know it."

I nodded, trying to think positively for him.

"Listen, baby, I…need to get back there. I'm sorry. I just…want to be there for her, if they find something out."

"Okay," I whispered.

"I can come get Kellan whenever," he offered. "Just let me know."

I told him to take his time. A few hours would be fine and even then, Kellan could stay as long as he needed to. He leaned down and kissed me fiercely, making my knees go weak, before I watched him get in his car and head back to the hospital. Thank God, Emmett had apparently not told him about the incident with James. I knew Edward wouldn't have been able to deal with that. Emmett knew it too. He was an amazing friend.

A couple hours passed without incident, and the party was in full swing. Charlie and Jasper finally showed up – both apologizing for having to work so late – Charlie still in his uniform complete with gun and Taser. The kids were fascinated immediately.

"Dad," I groaned. "Really? I'm not trying to get anyone electrocuted today!" He rolled his eyes at me as he held the Taser in front of the kids, letting them study it with wide eyes.

"Don't touch it," he instructed. "Bells, it's fine! Nobody's getting electrocuted. Let the kids have a little learning experience before they get all hopped up on cake and punch."

"Well, can you at least put your nine away? I don't want you 'bussin' a cap' in anyone today, Officer Friendly." I rolled my eyes right back at him.

"No way, Bells. I can't risk someone getting a hold of this thing. It stays on my hip, nice and secure."

"Wonderful," I snapped.

Just as we were cutting the cake, after a very loud, off-key rendition of 'Happy Birthday to You,' there was a knock at the door. A part of me hoped it was Edward, but I knew better. The other part was alarmed. Everyone I loved was here, besides Edward, so this knock seemed out of place and ominous. I walked with trepidation to the door, looking behind me to see Charlie following closely. I sighed a little in relief. Once I got there, before I could look through the peephole, I heard arguing.

"I knocked because it's polite, Jake! You don't have a key anyway because you're not supposed to be here. I'm doing you a favor!" It was Sam's voice. I recognized it immediately and I sighed, instantly pissed off, looking back at Charlie. "It's Jake and Sam."

"Well he's not supposed to be here," Captain Obvious said. "Want me to get rid of him?" he grinned wryly, his mustache twitching.

I sighed again, thinking about it. "No," I decided, frustrated as hell at the relentlessness of this asshole. Seriously I just wanted him the fuck out of my life, but obviously that wasn't going to happen. "Because if the kids get wind of this – and they will; knowing Jake, he'd tell them I kicked him out of their party – they would be devastated. I just...Dad, I don't want to play into his game." Charlie nodded in acquiesce. "But he stays away from Kellan, and he leaves when you leave, if not before," I added, to which he nodded again.

I opened the door with a huff. "Jake, what the hell are you doing h—" My words caught in my throat as I saw who else was standing with him besides Sam. _Leah._ And not just Leah. Her hand was closed protectively around that of the little boy who could've been a clone of Jacob. I stared in shock; my hand gripped the doorknob tightly as I looked between the four of them utterly dumbfounded. Leah stared back wide eyed, and Jacob smiled as if this wasn't the most fucked up situation ever imagined.

"Hey, Bella," Sam started. My eyes shifted to him quickly and narrowed, cutting his words off.

"Don't _speak_. Surely you're aware that you're breaking the law, Detective?" I hissed, pushing the door open to allow them entrance. Once they were in, Jacob actually had the balls to think he could hug me. I dodged it, glaring at him, and then leveled a cold stare on Leah, who stood awkwardly, not speaking. I took a deep breath, blew it out slowly, and knelt down to little Seth.

"Hi, Boo-Boo," I smiled warmly at him. He smiled back, leaning into his mother. "I'm so happy to see you again. The kids are going to be so excited. If it's okay with your mom, why don't you go and get some cake in the kitchen, it's that way," I pointed. "We just started."

He looked up at Leah, who nodded her head, giving silent permission. When Seth trotted off, I stood, turning to Jake with a furious glare.

"You know you're not fucking allowed here, Jacob! And then you go and bring _her_ and that little boy? Knowing I wouldn't be able to turn him away? You're disgusting!" It really was a low blow...and effective tactic on his part. If I hadn't been so damned pissed, I would've said 'well played.'

"I just want to see my kids, Bella," he said mockingly, "Besides, I thought the twins might want to spend time with their brother." My nostrils flared. I was boiling because he was so...full...of...shit.

"Is that right? What happened to _'Oh, Leah only wants my money; the kid isn't really mine,_' Jake?"

He shrugged. "We worked some stuff out."

"Oh, I bet you did," I snapped. Like I gave a shit _who_ he did anymore.

"I'm sorry, Bella, he said you said this was okay."

I snapped my head in Leah's direction, making her jump. "He did?" I sneered. "Well here's a tip, _Leah_. Nothing that comes out of his mouth is the truth. But I guess you'll figure that out soon enough, won't you?" My tone was harsh, but I couldn't give a shit. Holding back from screaming like I wanted to so much was taking all my strength and making my throat burn. "And I'm allowing you to stay for the kids' sake only, so don't think for one second that you'll _ever_ be welcome in my home."

She flinched, looking over at Jake with chagrin. "M-maybe we should just go."

"Oh no!" I laughed a little hysterically, losing my composure. "Don't do that on my account. Make yourselves at fucking home!"

Jacob shook his head as if he was embarrassed by my behavior, which made me want to punch him in the throat.

"Um, I'm just going to see about Seth," Leah muttered, quickly walking away, leaving me to glower at my _ex_.

Seconds later, Alice stomped in, hands on her hips, mouth twisted into a snarl. "You have _got_ to be fucking kidding me!" she nearly shouted. I groaned, scrubbing my face with my hands. "You're just a glutton for punishment, aren't you, _Jacob?"_ She said his name like a curse. "Idiot."

Jake growled, clenching his fists and his jaw as he leveled a murderous glare on her.

"Alice," I took her by the shoulders. "Please...go help the kids finish up with the cake so we can get presents started?"

"You're not letting him stay, are you?" she asked incredulously.

"I don't want a scene in front of the kids," I explained, my eyes pleading with her. "Now could you please go?"

She stared between us for several long seconds before finally huffing out a breath and crossing her arms over her chest. "Fine," she spat, spinning around, griping as she stomped away. "I'll clean up. It's not like I decorated the whole damned house or anything."

Jacob laughed. I whipped around, pointing at him. "Why did you have to come here and start all this bullshit, Jake?"

"Me? Please. It's not my fault you and your family are certifiable, Bella."

"Fuck you," I hissed.

He smirked. "Any time you want, Sweetheart."

"You make me sick," I muttered with disgust.

"Whatever. I'm gonna go see my kids." He started to step around me, when I heard squealing laughter coming our way.

"You are evil, little ninja, and you must be destroyed!" I heard Emmett bellow. My son rounded the corner at break-neck speed, laughing, only to be caught by Jacob, who was glaring in the direction he heard Emmett's voice.

"Dad!" he shouted excitedly.

"What's up, buddy? Happy birthday party day," Jake replied, still glaring ahead, hardly paying attention to his son. It pissed me off even more.

"Robby, why don't you go get the other kids. We're gonna start presents." He fist-pumped with a "Woohoo!" and ran to the kitchen.

Emmett barreled around the same corner moments later with a huge smile in his face, but stopped dead in his tracks, standing up to his full, intimidating height, glowering at Jacob.

"Oh great," Jake admonished, rolling his eyes.

"Well this party just took a hard left into the twilight zone. Thought you weren't allowed here, Jackass," Emmett sneered, baiting him.

"Still my house," Jacob retorted, his tone acidic. "I go where I want, McDickhead."

I stood in between them quickly, holding my arms out. "Enough!" I spat. "_Not _happening around the kids!"

I spent the next exhausting hour keeping one eye on the kids opening their presents, and another on Jake, Emmett and Alice, who couldn't seem to stop mudslinging (unbeknownst to the kids, thank God) long enough to let the tension dissipate. Each time Emmett mentioned New Year's Eve and what an amazing time it was, Jacob's fists clenched. Alice's retort that 'they all knew what was going to happen while the ink was still drying' was nearly the straw that broke the camel's back as Jacob huffed loudly through his nose like a bull getting ready to charge. I was surprised his head didn't explode. I was in hell. And all the while, I was trying to keep the mood light for the kids, trying to take pictures, and debating on whether I should call Edward to tell him the asshole was here.

I knew I needed to. I knew he was going to be furious, but I also knew he was dealing with so much with Kendyll and I didn't want to upset him further. Kellan seemed oblivious to Jake. Jake hardly looked at Kellan, though when he did, the disdain was clearly on his face at the fact that Edward's son was here. Kellan did glance at him curiously a couple times, as if Jake looked vaguely familiar or something, but he didn't seem bothered in the least.

When the last present had been opened and the kids were admiring them, laughing animatedly as they played together, I decided I couldn't hold out anymore. I walked over to Charlie, asking him to keep an eye on everyone, to keep Jake away from Kellan, and stepped into the kitchen where I took a deep breath, blew it out slowly, and dialed Edward's number.

"Hey baby," he crooned. "How's the party going?"

"Hey," I answered, smiling a little despite my anxiety. "How is everything? How's Kendyll?" Blatantly, I avoided his question.

"She's sleeping. Uh, still...still pretty much the same." There was something in his tone I didn't like. He wasn't telling me something. "How's my boy doing? Driving you crazy yet?"

"No, he's doing...great...um—"

"But..." he interrupted me, chuckling softly.

I decided to just dive in. "No, it's just that...well, you know this wasn't expected at all, but..." I sighed. "Jacob showed up. He's here."

Silence fell over the line. My heart pounded as I waited and waited for his response. I started worrying that he'd hung up.

"Hello? Edward?"

"Keep him away from my son." His tone was cold.

"I _have_, I swear, Edward. They have had no interaction at all," I answered quickly.

"How long has he been there?" he demanded.

"Only about an hour or so," I said grimacing.

"_Only_ an hour or so?" There was the fury I was dreading. "My son has been in the same house as that asshole for an hour and you haven't called me?"

"Edward, he's been fine. I promise you; he's having fun. Charlie, Emmett and Jasper are here. Do you think they..._I_ would let anything happen to him?"

"I don't give a shit, Bella! You should've called me sooner!"

My stomach dropped to my feet. I hadn't expected him to be this angry. "I'm sorry, baby, you're right. I should have. I didn't want to worry you."

"Worry me?" he repeated flatly. "This is my _son!_ I'm coming to get him. Now."

"No, Edward," I pleaded, "he's having fun. Please let him stay a while. Jacob won't be here much longer."

It took me a moment to realize he'd already hung up. I sat in a chair with my head in my hands. Once I composed myself, I went back and instructed the kids to take their gifts up to their rooms. I didn't say anything about Edward coming because I didn't want to announce it in front of Jake, but Alice caught my demeanor, looking at me with concern. The twins of course grumbled about it but with the other three helping, they finished in a couple trips. Once the last gift had disappeared up the stairs, and the kids were all happily playing in the respective rooms, I received a text.

_I'm here. Not coming to the door. Bring me my son_.

I sighed, hating that he was so upset with me, typing back quickly.

_I want to talk to you first._

Within seconds, my phone vibrated.

_Bella I'm tired. Nothing to talk about. Just bring Kellan to me._

Well this was going to suck because I wasn't about to do that. He had to know I didn't do any of this on purpose. I walked quietly down the hall past the living room, only to be stopped suddenly by my curious sister.

"What's up, baby sis?" She asked, eyeing me intently.

I looked behind her stealthily, noting no one else around at the moment, so I explained.

"Edward is outside. He knows Jake's here and he's pissed. He'll hardly talk to me, but I have to explain this to him."

"_Shiiiiiit_," she whispered on her breath.

"Yeah, shit. Stay in here," I ordered. Don't say anything." She gestured buttoning her lip as I walked to the door.

When Edward saw me coming sans Kellan, he got out of his car, slammed the door and shook his head as he crossed his arms over his chest. He looked so tired, haggard even, and intensely angry. I gulped, squaring my shoulders defiantly as I approached him.

"Why can't you, just _one_ time, not be so goddamned stubborn and do what I ask?" he barked.

"Because I need you to let me explain," I said, staring up at his tumultuous jade eyes.

"I don't want a _fucking_ explanation right now, Bella. I just want my son and I want to take him the _fuck_ home!"

"Edward, _please_...listen to me." I tried to touch him, his arm, but he jerked away from me. I stared at him in shock. Seeing beyond the anger in his eyes to the hurt that was so obviously there made my insides twist. "He just showed up! I told him he wasn't allowed here, but Sam brought him. And...and he brought Leah, and that little boy because he knew I wouldn't throw them out...not if they had little Seth with them. And...and I didn't want this huge, dramatic scene with the twins here." He sighed, running his hands through his hair, gripping tightly. I knew I was rambling, but I needed to get it all out before he exploded on me again. I had to make him understand. "I'm sorry I didn't call you sooner, but I really didn't want you to worry. You-you've got so much you're dealing with, I—"

"Bella stop," he snapped, shaking his head. "Just stop. Don't you see that it's a fucking _game_ to him?" He pulled his hands from his hair, slapping the back of his right hand into the palm of his left repeatedly. "_Everything_ he does...every_ fucking_ thing he says...it's all a game! Just to get to you. Just to do _this_ to you! And I'm tired. Of playing. His fucking. _Game!"_ I nodded, knowing every word of that was true. I was beyond tired of the game as well. "How long is this shit going to go on? When we're old and gray is he still going to be coming around causing fucking drama? I can't deal with this shit right now. Could you just please go get Kellan. I can't..." He shook his head again, his jaw clenching and flexing. He did let me touch him this time, though, and when I placed my hand on his arm gently, he covered it with his, staring into my eyes with despair in his.

"Baby, what is it? Tell me what's going on...besides this." I gestured toward the house.

He blew out a shuddering breath, pulling in another and seeming to hold it for a beat. "Kendyll...might have leukemia." His voice cracked. My stomach dropped to the floor and my heart lodged in my throat. "I don't...know what to do...how to tell Kellan...they're still testing to find out for sure…and if so, what kind it is but..."

"Oh _God,_ Edward, I'm so sorry," I choked out the words. "What can I do?"

He began to shake his head again when we both heard the door slam. Edward's entire body tensed as I whipped around to see Jacob standing on the porch glaring.

"_You_ need to leave!" Jacob snarled.

"No!" I marched toward the porch, pointing at him. "_You_ leave, Jacob! You aren't welcome here! _He_ is! I love _him!"_

"You love him. Right." Jake rolled his eyes then glared in Edward's direction. "Too bad he doesn't love you; he's going to hurt you again."

"That's where you're wrong, _asshole!"_ Edward shouted.

I kept my angry eyes focused on Jake. "I'd rather him hurt me a thousand times over than have you in my life for one more second!"

Jake's eyes flashed with hurt, then rage. It disturbed me, like something snapped inside him.

"Man, I just want my son...and I _want_ to go home. You win today, Jacob," Edward said. _God,_ I hated how defeated he sounded.

Even feeling the rage emanating from his body didn't quell my anger toward Jake. I shoved him with all my might. "Go inside! Get your little posse, and get the _hell_ out of here!"

Surprisingly, he did go inside. But not before growling something under his breath about it 'not being over.'

_Oh, it was over alright_.

I walked back over to Edward, placing my hands on his face and pulling him down for an intense, yet gentle kiss. There was nothing sexual about it; I just wanted him to know without a doubt that I was his and no one else's.

I held onto his jaw, my fingers drawing soothing circles on his scalp. "I'm so sorry, Edward," I breathed. "Are you okay?" He nodded, the storm still raging in his eyes. "I love you so much..._so much_, Edward."

"I love you too," he whispered. "But I need to go before something else happens."

I understood completely, but the question still weighed heavy on my mind. "Okay, I'll go get Kellan. Are...are we okay?"

He studied my face for a moment before he finally sighed. "Yes, always." That was all I needed to hear.

I rushed into the house and, before going up to get Kellan, decided to head to the kitchen. I cut a large piece of cake for Edward, set it on a paper plate and, as I was covering it with cellophane, Alice came in, proceeding to ask me what the hell was going on. I explained quickly, saying I had to get Kellan before another blow-up occurred, and left her standing perplexed in the kitchen. On my way to the stairs, I brushed past Sam, who was eyeing me questioningly.

"You're leaving, now," I hissed. "Get him the fuck out of here, Sam." Not giving him a chance to respond, I marched up the stairs. I took several calming breaths as I watched all the kids, who had gathered in Robby's room to play together. I watched Kellan, laughing and acting as a leader to the younger kids. I felt so incredibly sad. Wondering how he was going to react when he found out just how sick Kendyll was. It broke my heart. I heard a slight commotion downstairs, but figured it was Jake and Emmett...or Alice and Jake, and honestly, I didn't care anymore. Just as I was about to interrupt the kids and tell Kellan his dad was here, I felt a hand on my arm. I whirled around, prepared to tell Jake to fuck off forever, but stopped as soon as I saw it was Renee. The look on her face...unadulterated fear...made my stomach tie up in knots.

"What is it?" I whispered

She pulled me away from the door. "It's Jake. He...he has a gun..." As soon as she said 'gun' it felt as if all the blood drained from my body. My head pounded. I felt weak all over, and I was unable to breathe. "And..." her eyes filled up with tears. "He's outside...with Edward."

_"No,"_ I whimpered, grabbing onto my mother for support. My mind reeled. A thousand thoughts at once. My heart thundered in my chest. This was not happening. _It was not happening!_ "Take the kids in my room," I ordered mechanically. "Shut and lock the door. Turn on a movie...something loud and do _not_ come out." She nodded quickly as I raced away.

I tore down the stairs to the door, pushing people out of my way frantically. Everything and everyone was a blur. I was vaguely aware of someone trying to stop me, but I couldn't stop. I _wouldn't _stop. I ripped open the front door, stumbling onto the stairs, and... The scene before me nearly brought me to my knees.

With all the strength I had in me, I screamed.

'"NO, Jacob! STOP!"

~*fOrSaKeN*~

_~Edward~_

_Send away for a priceless gift…One not open; one not on the list…_

You know, if there was one thing I was certain of in my entire existence on this planet, it was that the universe never ceased to throw me a motherfucking curve ball every now and then. Lately, it seemed that curve ball was coming at me more and more often.

If I had let myself think about it too much...let myself wonder why I'd started out making earth-fucking-shattering, amazing love to the most important woman in my life – in my fucking bathtub, no less – and then suddenly found myself holding this beautiful little girl in my arms, who'd been through more in her short lifetime than anyone should've had to endure in a thousand, while she seized violently from the inferno of a fever that overcame her...

If I let myself wonder why in the fuck I found myself watching helplessly as nurses fluttered around, cutting off the cast from her still-healing arm in order to have enough veins to stick for IV's, blood samples and fluid intake, placing cooling blankets on her, buzzing around when she seized again because the fucking fever was trying to kill her right in front of me...

If I let myself wonder why I found myself sitting here, holding the hand of this beautiful, precious little creature, praying to whoever the fuck would listen to just give her a chance to live _for_ _Christ's sake!_ And feeling absolutely, one hundred percent helpless, useless because I couldn't stop worrying myself into a frenzy long enough to think like a goddamned doctor. Wishing with every ounce of me that I had Bella here to hold me up, help me get through watching this child, that was almost mine, slip away from me because I just didn't think I could fucking do it by myself.

If I let myself think about why all of that was going on at the same time...well, the bottom line was...

I would've lost...

My motherfucking...

Mind.

Instead, I had to force myself to realize that this was really happening, and I had to deal with it. I needed to find out what was wrong with her so I _could_ deal with it. Tests were being run. Test after test after test, but it was the middle of the evening on New Year's Day. There was a skeleton crew at best working tonight, let alone in the lab, and on a normal day, any given test took hours or longer – depending on the test – to yield results. The waiting was the worst part; the waiting accompanied by the worry was leaving me delirious.

_Send away for a perfect world…one not simply so absurd…_

They had her sedated to keep her calm, so they could work to get the fever down to a manageable level…so they could poke and prod at her without scaring the shit out of her. I knew all that; I knew the ins and outs of treating patients with high fevers. And, as I looked at Kendyll, lying there with lines coming out of her arms and monitors beeping, I knew in my brilliant doctor brain that she was fragile, I was just scared as hell to find out how fragile. Even so, I felt it in her little hand; saw it in the dark, purple bruises under her eyes, her slightly sunken cheekbones. And her little stomach, distended like a party balloon.

_Party balloon. _

I felt horrible that I wasn't going to be able to spend time with Bella and the twins at their party, but I knew she would understand. She had to.

I heard Esme's clothing rustle as she stirred in the loveseat she'd fallen asleep in across the room. Even her soft footfalls echoed in the stark, sterile hospital room.

"How's she doing?" she whispered, placing her hands on my shoulders, massaging gently.

I placed my right hand atop hers – my left still cupped under Kendyll's – and squeezed. "Her vitals look better now," I answered mechanically, not glancing at the machines, but staring at the long eyelashes fanning Kendyll's sweet face.

"How are you?"

I sighed. "I'm...okay," I whispered.

"Edward," she admonished gently. She knew I wasn't okay. Hell, I knew I wasn't okay. I just didn't have time to deal with my own fucking feelings.

"I'm just so worried, Mom," I admitted. "I...I know what...damn it, I can't even say it." I sighed as Esme's hand moved in languid circles on my back. "I know what..._that_...looks like, and it looks like this."

My mother was silent for a moment as she continued her effort of comforting me. I heard her intake of breath amongst the beeping of the machines as she began to speak again.

"Honey, why don't you take a break, just for a few minutes?" I started to protest, but she cut me off. "Edward, you're exhausted._ I'm_ exhausted and I got a little bit of sleep. How about you go grab us a coffee? Your old mom could use a little pick-me-up."

"Mom, you're not old," I chuckled humorlessly.

"Also, maybe you could see if your dad's around, if he has an update?"

I scrubbed my face with my hands, knowing that arguing with her was futile. I did need to get up and stretch, get away from this stark hospital room if only for a few minutes, and I figured it would be nice to find out something...any-fucking-thing would suffice.

_In these times of doing what you're told…keep these feelings no one knows…_

As I exited the elevator and headed toward the first floor cafeteria, a flash of flaming red hair through the crowd caught my attention. I shrugged my curiosity off as whoever the red head was turned down a corridor at the end of the hallway.

The cafeteria was bustling as it was the middle of the evening in a very busy hospital, so it took quite a while for me to get through the line just for two plain cups of coffee.

Many of my colleagues approached me while I was waiting, anxious to get back to Kendyll's side, worried about Kellan, thinking about Bella, and everything else that was weighing on my fucked up mind. Some weren't aware of the grave situation I found myself in, so reluctantly, I explained to those who didn't know. I got the typical condolences, well-wishes, 'you're in my thoughts and prayers,' statements, and even though they meant well and I appreciated it, none of it made me feel any better.

_Whatever happened to the young man's heart? Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart…_

One colleague in particular, whom I'd known from my stint in internal medicine, Dr. Nahuel Ramirez, had a little more to add to his well-wishes. He told me a new hire, a nurse, had been asking around about me. He wanted to let me know, he said, in case she was an old friend. He couldn't remember the name of this nurse, but when I asked what she looked like, he grinned wryly.

"Well she doesn't look like your average, every day nurse if you know what I mean."

"Not really, no." Realizing I was next in line and wanting to get back to the sixth floor, I shook my head. I didn't mean to be short with him, but I really didn't have fucking time for this shit.

"She's...I don't know, too sexy for a nurse, I guess."

Well that narrowed it down. And I wasn't sure where the hell he'd been his whole career, because I had been around many a nurse in mine, and there were plenty of sexy women who'd chosen that career path. Not that I had any of them, as my Neanderthal best friend liked to think. I had been too into my self-loathing after ruining my relationship with Bella by fucking Victoria, that I punished myself with two other women, both of whom were loathsome. But I always tried as much as possible to keep things strictly professional at work.

Wait..._Victoria_.

Suddenly the shock of red hair I'd seen earlier entered my mind, as well as something Emmett had said almost two months prior. I'd almost forgotten, but I remembered how absurd it sounded when he mentioned Victoria and nursing school in the same sentence. I felt a slight wave of nausea as I asked him to describe this mystery nurse.

"Well let's see," Doctor Ramirez began, smirking a little. "Decent height; long, really red hair, not the carrot-top red, but that sort of darker, deep red...hot-red; blue eyes; gorgeous face and pretty bangin' body." He chuckled. "She wears her scrubs a little too tight if ya ask me, but I'm not saying it isn't nice to look at. Sort of strange, though, as pretty as she is, there's something about her that just screams 'bad girl,' if that makes any sense."

Oh, it made perfect fucking sense.

I gritted my teeth. "Is her name Victoria?" I really didn't want him to answer that.

He thought for a moment, finally raising his eyebrows in recognition. "I'm sure that's right. She called herself Vickie, but I guess it's safe to assume that's short for Victoria. So, you do know her?"

My fucking stomach dropped to my knees. I didn't know why I was so goddamned surprised, though. I knew she wouldn't just up and leave...or leave me alone. No, she was _that_ kind of psycho.

"Yeah, I know her," I answered gravely. "And a word of advice...stay away from her, man, she's poison." He laughed a little but quickly sobered when he saw that I was as serious as a goddamned heart attack.

"That bad, huh?" he asked.

I nodded. "Worse. Also, the child I told you about, Kendyll? _Vickie_ is to know nothing about her, okay?"

"Yeah, okay, man." Doctor Ramirez clapped me on the shoulder as I turned with two coffees in hand and strode away.

_Maybe it's not her_, I thought to myself. There were plenty of red-headed women out there who could be deemed sexy...though that word was subjective and I found nothing sexy about Victoria anymore. Sadistic and diabolical, yes...sexy, absolutely not. Of course, what were the odds of a random redhead, bearing a shortened version of my past demon's name and asking staff about me? Fuck. _It's not her_. But deep down in my gut, I fucking knew better.

As I was nearing the elevators, the same shock of red hair I'd seen earlier caught my attention again, this time coming toward me. The crowd in front of me slowly dissipated; I pressed the up arrow, staring at the numbers above the elevator, willing it to hurry the hell up, when I happened to glance over and saw her face. Her bright red lips were curled into a knowing smirk as her cold blue eyes locked with mine. My hackles went up instantly. I had to talk myself out of squeezing the shit out of the foam coffee cups in my hand in an effort to avoid scalding myself. My eyes narrowed; my nostrils flared, and my lip curled over my teeth as a snarl I wasn't even expecting escaped on its own. A few curious sets of eyes glanced in my direction as I tried with all my might to contain my disgust. _Fucking perfect._ She was making her way toward me when I heard the ding of the elevator.

_And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45…_

"Fuck," I muttered under my breath, weaving through the exiting passengers to duck into the vehicle of my escape as quickly as humanly possible.

What. The. Fuck...was she doing here? Never mind that, what the fuck was she doing _working_ here? Of all the hospitals in the greater Chicago fucking area she had to pick this one. Of course she did. Like I told Nahuel, she was that kind of psycho. I mean, was it too much for me to ask to have just one less thorn in my goddamned side? Apparently it was, because as I took a detour to Carlisle's floor and entered his office after getting nerve-wracking sympathetic looks from his staff – I found him hanging up the phone, sighing heavily, and rubbing his temples. I cleared my throat, startling him a little and sitting down in one of the chairs facing his desk.

"You startled me, son, I wasn't expecting to see you in here."

"I'm sorry," I said sincerely, holding up the coffees and trying out a grin. I was positive it turned out more like a grimace. "Mom ordered coffee."

He nodded, a small smile playing on his pursed lips. "I think she just wanted you to take a break. She hasn't drunk coffee in years. Unless it's one of those frozen cappuccino things."

I laughed for the first time all afternoon, setting the coffees on his desk. Hoodwinked by my mother...typical.

"I would venture to guess that she sent you in here as well, but I think I know better than that," he added.

"She suggested it, but no. I came here on my own." Carlisle nodded, knowingly. I glanced at his phone, then back at him. "So, is there something I need to know? About Kendyll? Who was on the phone?"

He sighed, eyeing me strangely before sucking in a breath to speak. "That call wasn't about Kendyll."

"Oh," I muttered, unable to hide my disappointment.

"Actually, that was, uh, Rosalie."

_Swimming through the ashes of another life…_

"Rosalie?" I snapped. Panic set in suddenly. "Is it Kellan? What's wrong?" If something happened to my boy, I...well I didn't know what I would do.

"No, it's nothing like that," he answered quickly with hands raised and a shaking head, understanding that panic mode was the only mode I seemed to be running on lately. "But she was...crying." he grimaced. That struck me as interesting. Rosalie Hale did not cry. She was as stone cold a bitch as they came; her display of emotion normally consisted of snide comments and anger...not tears. Yeah, it was safe to say that I was utterly fucking perplexed. Until he continued...and I realized just exactly what was going on.

"Apparently, she was served the other day. Your custody papers?" I knew what he was talking about the minute he said 'served.' I knew it was coming soon, and if I was being honest, I was shocked I hadn't received at least a phone call from her ranting and raving, succubus style. "Well," Carlisle went on, eyeing me carefully, "naturally she's a little upset." I opened my mouth to accuse him in no uncertain terms of taking her side, but he held his hand up to stop me. "I know what you're going to say, son, and I'm not taking her side here..." _Jesus_, I needed to work on my poker face. I was definitely slipping lately. "She just said that she loves her son more than anything in this world and didn't want to lose him."

"Oh, how dramatic of her," I retorted sardonically. My father frowned at me disapprovingly, so I waved him on.

"Anyway, she wanted to see if I'd talk to you. She said she's afraid to and doesn't think it would do any good."

"Well, for once, she's right," I muttered.

"Edward," he chided.

"So is that what you're doing? Trying to get me to back off?" I snapped, already feeling betrayed by him for even entertaining such a fucking idea.

"Not at all, Edward," he said quietly, massaging his temples.

"Because she is _very_ good at manipulation, Carlisle, and quite frankly, she knows she can get under your soft skin." I recalled the time she showed up here asking him for money as if she and my son were starving. It pissed me the hell off.

He looked momentarily annoyed. "That's not fair, Edward."

"Well, Carlisle, you've given her money because of nothing more than her manipulation, and now this," I hissed, leaning forward. "Were you aware that she never really wanted Kellan in the first place? He was her fucking meal ticket! You probably also weren't aware that, for first month of his life, she refused to hold him when he cried. That she wouldn't change his diaper or feed him? No you didn't, because I never told anyone!"

He visibly blanched, but cleared his throat. "Well maybe it was postpartum depression. It's very common—"

"Carlisle, stop," I cut him off. "Don't insult my intelligence. I'm an OB-GYN. I know what postpartum depression is, and hindsight is twenty-twenty, trust me. She was _so_ depressed that she was constantly running out, spending money that I was barely making at the time!" My fucking blood was boiling recalling those memories, but I refrained from yelling at him like I wanted to, and shaking some sense into him. He was too goddamned good...too righteous...and he fell for her bullshit every time. It was maddening.

His expression turned apologetic. "I'm sorry Edward, I didn't mean to insult you. And I am somewhat aware of her less than stellar parenting style. I just wanted to relay to you what she said and see where you stood on it. I can see now."

I sat silent for a moment, pondering. "You know what? I would be willing to back off if she would make a hell of an effort to spend time with Kellan, instead of shipping him off to her mother's every time he's in her care." I clenched my jaw. "And if she would stop seeing James...and lying about it, or having my son lie for her."

Carlisle's eyebrows raised in surprise. I could've sworn I told him at some point about Rose and James, but my memory when it came to the succubus was diminishing as quickly as my patience with her. "But I know with a hundred and fifty percent certainty Rosalie will be Rosalie; she would change long enough to pacify me briefly, and then she would go back to practically ignoring him. I can't have that shit, Carlisle." I shook my head, leveling my eyes on him so that he would know this wasn't about some sort of spite on my part.

He didn't say anything more on the subject, and a silence fell on us for a short time. Finally I sighed, adjusting uncomfortably in the chair I was sitting. I was still a little bit annoyed that he would even entertain Rosalie's melodramatics and I was pretty sure he knew it. Carlisle glanced up from his laptop, eyeing me briefly, and then returned to his typing. The sound was grating on my nerves.

_No real reason to accept the way, things have changed…_

"So, uh, you were still in surgery when she came in?" I asked, hoping like hell he would just stop...fucking...typing and talk to me.

He glanced up again, his expression unreadable, nodded, and focused again on his typing. I pressed my fingers into my temples to relieve the pounding in my head. "How did it turn out?"

"What?" He looked up again, eyebrows raised.

"The surgery; your patient?" It was my awkward attempt at trying to be calm, ease the tension, when I really just wanted to freak the fuck out. Not to mention, he had to have known I wanted to talk about Kendyll, and I felt like he was stalling. This cryptic, doctor-patient confidentiality shit was not going to fly with me anymore.

"Oh, fine...fine. I was just finishing up the paperwork." He waved toward his laptop. "You know how it is." As soon as he went back to fucking typing, I decided I had enough of beating around the bush.

"Have you heard anything? About the tests? Kendyll's tests?"

He finally stopped typing. Sitting back in his chair, he sighed, steepled his hands under his chin and shook his head. "Not yet. You know these things take time, Edward." I couldn't help but think he wasn't telling me something. I didn't like it one goddamned bit.

"Carlisle, she's my daughter," I blurted without thinking. His eyes widened a little; his jaw went slack for only a split second before he recovered and cleared his throat as if he didn't know how to respond to that. I kind of understood...a little...that reaction, but it still annoyed me because in my heart, she already was. Nonetheless, I amended my statement. "At least she will be soon enough. Don't you think I should at least know what the hell is going on? I'm a doctor, Carlisle, not just some freaked out parent who doesn't understand anything!" Well, I was partly that too, _but I digress_.

"Then you understand that tests take a little time, Edward." He sighed. There was a weird sense of relief in his demeanor; he seemed more relaxed. Well I wasn't fucking relaxed. Not at all.

"Of course, but there has to be something you can tell me," I huffed.

"There isn't. Look, son, I understand your frustration. I really do..." No, he really didn't. He wasn't there to see her agony and terror as she hung upside down by a thread in that fucking car...begging me to help her _and_ her parents. He didn't see the devastation in her face when she learned that her mom and dad were never coming back. He didn't see the tears, the questions in her eyes that I couldn't answer. He didn't understand what it was like to look into those eyes and tell her the one thing I was sure of...that she would be okay; that I would take care of her. To believe every word of it and then suddenly feel like a fucking liar. Deceived by some illness I couldn't get a grasp on. No, he didn't understand that at all.

"And if there was anything to tell you, I would," Carlisle insisted, breaking me from my thoughts.

"Would you?" I asked quietly.

"Of course. And as soon as I do know something, I will tell you, son." He paused, looking away for a moment. "Doctor O'Neal will know before I do. Kendyll's not really even my patient anymore. The only reason they'll keep me in the loop is because I'm her guardian now, and a board member. Have you tried talking to Lydia?"

"No," I said flatly. "Besides, you just said it yourself. I'm not her _guardian_." I said the word with disdain.

"But you're family," he offered. Still the idea of talking to Lydia O'Neal left a bad taste in my mouth. Looked as if I didn't have much of a choice, though. So I nodded in silent acquiesce.

"Edward, you've spent a lot of time with her today," he began, leaning forward in his seat. "What do you think?"

"I don't know," I said immediately. All I'd done was wrack my brain while I kept vigil holding her little hand, trying to think of what could have a grip on her so tightly. I'd gone through every childhood illness in my head to try to figure it out. I must've mentally scrolled through the symptoms of a hundred that were serious...life-threatening. Nothing made sense.

Except for one.

One that had many, many variations.

The one that I always seemed to come back to and the one that I put out of my mind every time.

"Are you sure about that?" Carlisle asked. I simply stared at him. "You've worked in many different fields of medicine, Edward, and at your young age, I'm quite proud to say you've excelled in all of them. You're telling me, with all that knowledge, you haven't the slightest idea?"

This time, I leaned forward. He was baiting me...wanting me to say out loud what we both knew was a strong possibility. And I didn't. Fucking. Appreciate it.

"Yes, that is what I'm telling you," I lied methodically. "Do not patronize me, Carlisle."

"Edward," he shook his head, his eyes taking on a sad glint. "At this point, it could be anything. Hopefully, we'll find out tomorrow and hopefully it's nothing..." He was trying to choose his words carefully, I could tell. "Terminal." I clenched my jaw. "But you have to at least consider – as a doctor – that it could be—"

"No!" I stood up quickly, clenching one fist and pointing at my father like a lunatic. "It's _not_ that! That is _not_ what it is!"

_Staring down the barrel of a 45…_

Carlisle merely sighed – once again – at my outburst and massaged his temples. I suppose he was used to my erratic behavior by now.

"Son, all I'm saying is that you might need to prepare yourself," he murmured. I began to shake my head repeatedly. "If it does turn out to be—"

"_Don't_ say it," I hissed.

"That..." he continued, "It's highly probable that it's treatable."

"Yes. With chemicals or-or surgeries that could possibly kill her! No, I will not prepare myself for _that_ because that's not what it is!"

He stared at me for a moment before finally nodding his head sadly. "Okay, son, I get it."

I relaxed my clenched hand, shaking it out to restore circulation, and ran the other through my hair. I started toward the door because I wasn't having this fucking conversation anymore, but turned suddenly as I remembered my encounter downstairs.

"What do you know about a new hire named Vickie with red hair, a nurse?"

He looked perplexed at first, but then nodded once. "The name does ring a bell. What about her?"

"She's a sick and twisted individual, that's what," I spat, perpetually furious at the nerve of the bitch.

Carlisle furrowed his brow. "What?" Instead of repeating myself, because really, what else was there to say, I watched as he typed quickly on his laptop; his eyebrows raised in recognition.

"Ah yes, Vickie Sutherland. Recently moved here from Seattle; excellent work experience; I remember reviewing her resume. She had impeccable references. She's working shifts in ICU right now."

I rolled my eyes and scoffed. Probably fake references. And God help the poor people in ICU. "The references were called and verified?"

"Of course," he looked at me incredulously.

"Yeah, well her real name is Victoria. She's bff's with James Campbell. I bet that wasn't on her shiny resume. Or the fact that she used to be a prostitute, more or less."

He looked a little shocked, but still shook his head at me. "Edward, what would you like me to do? I can't necessarily fire someone for their poor choice of friends or for turning their life around, now can I?"

Turned her life around? _Riiiiight_. If only he knew what she was involved in. Victoria wasn't something I was ever proud of, so my parents never knew of her, only that I'd lost Bella because of my own stupidity.

I sighed. "I don't want her knowing anything about me...or Kendyll. Please just tell all of your staff that?"

"Fine, Edward, but if she gets assigned to peds, I can't do much about it," he said, thoroughly exasperated by me.

"I'll make sure she doesn't," I replied snidely.

"You know you can't do that without cause."

"Watch me," I snarled under my breath as I shut the door to his office behind me.

~*fOrSaKeN*~

_Send a message to the unborn child…keep your eyes open, for a while…_

On my way back to Kendyll, I stopped at the front desk of the peds unit before heading to pediatric ICU, where she lay sedated. I gave the young, doe-eyed nurse at the station a brief description of Victoria, and told her to spread the word that under no circumstances was Victoria Sutherland to come anywhere near my...near Kendyll. She agreed, given the authority in my tone, and I moved on to the PICU, where I gave the same instructions. That nurse wasn't nearly as young or doe-eyed as the first one, requesting a written order from the chief of pediatric medicine – which I knew I wasn't going to fucking get – so I did my best to flirt. I tried to give her my best sexy eyes; tried to dazzle her with my smile; told her she'd be doing me a personal favor and I would be indebted to her. It seemed to work as she agreed valiantly, although I did worry a little about the whole indebtedness thing given the way she was looking at me by the time I was finished.

As I approached Kendyll's room, I noticed a couple of nurses coming out. That struck me as odd since usually only one at a time went in to check her vitals. But then a third one came out. This one was pushing a crash cart. Panic gripped me instantly. My knees felt weak as I rushed into the room, heart pounding, stopping dead in my tracks when I saw Esme leaning down to kiss Kendyll's forehead and nodding at a male doctor I didn't recognize.

"What's going on? Is she okay?" I blurted, marching toward them and glaring at the machines attached to my little girl. Everything seemed to be okay, which was good, but I was thoroughly confused and still panicking.

"Oh! Edward," Esme seemed a little startled by my sudden demanding presence. "Everything is fine now, honey, she's okay," she continued quickly.

I stared at my mother for a second, my breaths slowing, my heart rate calming, but not enough to relax. "But I saw a crash cart! What happened?" I eyed the mystery doctor precariously – looked to be about the same age as Carlisle, early to mid-fifties, graying brown hair, thin on top, wire-rimmed glasses with kind eyes behind them, medium build but not as tall as me – until Esme piped up again.

"Edward, this is Doctor Moore. Doctor Moore is a pediatric cardiologist. This is my son, Doctor Edward Cullen," she turned her attention back to him.

"Ah, Doctor Cullen." He extended his hand. I reached out automatically and shook it. "Your reputation precedes you. It's a pleasure," he said smiling. "Your father speaks highly of you. He has every reason to be proud."

I wasn't so sure about that. "You know my father?"

He chuckled softly. "Old med school buddies. Your father was quite the gambler back then. Always betting me he'd make better grades. I think I paid more money to him than I did my ex-wife. But, hey, at least it got me to study harder."

I smiled weakly, unable to enjoy the tale of Carlisle's med school days like I wanted to. I was too fucking worried about the sick little girl to my right.

"Uh, she...Kendyll is in my parents' care right now. I'm, uh, in the process of adopting her," I stumbled over my words, hoping I didn't sound like an idiot.

"That's wonderful," he interrupted. "Esme told me a little about it. The poor little thing." He smiled down at Kendyll's sleeping form.

"Yes," I gritted my teeth, trying to keep control. "Can...can you tell me what's going on? What happened with the crash cart? And with all due respect, why does she need a cardiologist? Is there something wrong with her heart?" Mine began to pound again. This just kept getting worse and fucking worse.

"Of course," he answered right away. "And she doesn't really need me, I'm happy to say. That little girl has a strong heart from what I can hear. Her BP took a pretty low dip a few minutes ago. They called me in to make sure. The crash cart was brought in purely as a precaution."

"How low did it get?" I interrupted. He told me the numbers, and I ran a shaking hand through my hair. _Shit._ I should've been in here!

"I ordered an adjustment in the sedative, so that shouldn't happen again," he continued. I breathed a sigh of relief, silently cursing the fuck out of the anesthesiologist for ordering a little too much for a child Kendyll's size. He could've fucking killed her!

When Doctor Moore left, Esme walked over to me as I stared at Kendyll with bleary eyes. "I'm gonna give you some time alone with her, sweetheart," she murmured, kissing my cheek. "Maybe I'll go bug your father for a while," she mused. "Did you talk to him?"

I nodded. "They don't know anything yet. I...I think it's something bad, Mom," I whispered, my voice cracking slightly.

"Oh honey." She gave me a squeeze. "She's going to be okay; you just have to believe that."

I nodded again.

When she left, I set my coffee and the one that Esme had completely ignored on the counter before walking over and resuming my spot next to Kendyll, taking her little hand in mine.

"Don't do that to me again," I whispered. "You scared me." I turned her hand over gingerly and placed a light kiss on her palm. "You're gonna be okay, baby girl. Everyone's here for you. Everyone loves you. I love you. We're gonna find out what this is, and were gonna get you better. And you're gonna help us, right, sweetheart?" I looked at her closed eyelids. She looked so peaceful, sleeping like that, even if it was chemically induced. My eyes shifted to her tiny neck. Still swollen as I noticed earlier. It was her lymph nodes. Yet another sign pointing in the wrong direction. I put it out of my mind and focused again on her face, picturing her with her incredible, aqua-colored eyes open, smiling at me and telling me I worried too much. I chuckled humorlessly at that, but emotion gripped my throat.

_In a box, high up on a shelf…meant for you, no one else…_

"You have to get better, Kendyll, you just have to. You...you can't go anywhere. See, because now that I've almost got you, I can't let you go. I need you. Probably more than you need me." The lump in my throat was getting bigger; I could barely talk through the burning desire to just let my emotions go. But I wanted to be strong for her. "So...so you have to help us, Kendyll. We all need you. Me, Doctor Carlisle, Esme, Kellan. I'm sure he's worried about you and wants to see you. And remember, you still have to meet Bella. She wants to meet you so badly, sweetie, so badly. She told me. And you're gonna love her twins, Robby and Krissy." I smiled thinking about them, but soon my smile fell. I just couldn't seem to hold onto it for very long today.

I pulled her little hand up again, kissing her fingers and taking a ragged breath. My head felt like it weighed a ton. My body felt tattered and worn. And as I laid my forehead on the mattress of her hospital bed, this time I spoke to someone else.

"Just please, let her be okay," I whispered as the quiet tears came. "Don't let it be...that. Just don't let it be that."

_There's a piece of a puzzle known as life…wrapped in guilt…sealed up tight…_

I must've fallen asleep because the next thing I knew, I was being nudged gently. I sat up like a fucking rocket, my eyes darting around unfocused until they landed on Esme, who I had startled by being startled.

"What happened?" I asked a little deliriously.

"Nothing," she giggled a little. "You just didn't look all that comfortable. There's no change with Kendyll." Her eyes looked a little sad and tired.

I sighed, scrubbed my face with my palms and ran a hand through my hair. "What time is it?"

"It's almost nine o'clock," she murmured, glancing at her watch.

_Jesus, two hours?_ I'd slept for two hours in the most uncomfortable position imaginable. I stood up to stretch.

"Goddamn, my back hurts," I muttered.

"Language, Edward," Esme chided.

"Sorry." I felt a bit like a petulant child, but my goddamned back did hurt. My mother's scolding brought something else to mind and I began to laugh quietly to myself. Esme turned to me with a smile on her face and a quirked eyebrow.

"That sound is nice," she murmured. "What's so funny?"

"Bella's kids have a swear jar."

"A swear jar?" She giggled, shaking her head.

"Yeah, according to Krissy, I owe over a hundred dollars," I replied laughing.

"Edward!" Esme admonished, but there was a smile in her tone. "Please tell me you don't curse in front of those little kids!"

"It was one time, Mom," I chuckled, shaking my head as I thought of how serious Krissy was when she demanded my money. "One slipped out by accident and she nailed me. The kid is a shark!"

Esme smiled lovingly at me. "It sounds like you get along well with them." I nodded in agreement. "Have you talked to Bella tonight?"

I shook my head, grimacing. She probably thought I was avoiding her when all I wanted to do was talk to her. I knew she was worried...about a child she didn't even know...and would have so many questions. I just didn't have answers.

"No, I need to call her. She's probably worried sick. She was with me when I got your call. But I need to call Kellan first."

"Oh, I already talked to him," Esme replied sweetly.

My head snapped in her direction. "You did? What...what did he say? You didn't tell him...everything, did you?"

"Of course not, sweetheart." My own mother rolled her eyes at me. "I just told him that Kendyll is very sick and in the hospital, and that you're here with her." I sighed, knowing the poor kid would probably be tossing and turning tonight with worry. "He said he wants to see her, so I told him I'd pick him up in the morning and bring him here."

"Do you think that's a good idea?" I asked sincerely. I really needed her opinion on this.

"I wouldn't have told him I would if I didn't think it was a good idea," she insisted. I nodded, knowing my boy would persist until he got to see her. It truly was amazing to me how much he already cared about her. I glanced sadly at Kendyll, frail and fragile, realizing that this child was just easy to love.

"And I figured," she continued, "you would rather not see his wretched mother right now, anyway." She shrugged innocently as I smiled at her, walking over to pull her into a hug and kissed the top of her head. Esme was much keener to Rosalie's mind games than Carlisle was. "Now, go call Bella so she can stop worrying." She gave me a squeeze. "Because that little girl over there is going to be just fine. I feel it in my heart, Edward."

Bella's voice was comforting, as it always was. After talking to her, I slipped into the locker room and took a quick shower, changing into some extra scrubs I always had stashed at the hospital. Not wanting to leave Kendyll's side the rest of the night, I laid my head near the foot of her bed and was soon being lulled to sleep by steady beeping of her heart monitor as well as the thoughts of Bella's soothing voice in my head.

A different voice woke me up in the morning. It was one of the most amazing sounds in the world, I decided. Giggles coming out of the mouth of the child I thought I was losing the night before. I was relieved beyond words. When I sat up and stretched my back, groaning loudly because it felt like someone had taken an ax to it, she giggled again.

"You sound like a grizzly bear, Doctor Edward."

I also decided I'd sound like that every day if I got to hear her laugh. She sobered a little after that, asking what was wrong with her. Of course I still didn't have any answers for her, but I told her she gave us a terrible scare the day before and we were going to find out why she got so sick, and we were going to make her all better. That seemed to suffice for the time being, and I almost danced a jig when she said she was hungry. Yeah, I was a happy motherfucker when she ate every last bit of her breakfast—and kept it down.

Esme showed up with Kellan not long after breakfast. I could see the worry on my boy's face, but I reassured him that she was okay and they were able to 'hang out' – they're words, not mine – talking, laughing and watching cartoons, until it was time for me to take Kel to the twin's birthday party. I spent the afternoon playing Uno and Go Fish with Kendyll. She kicked my ass every single fucking time, and I decided one more thing that day…that she was a little card shark and had a very bright future in the World Poker Tournament. She was going to make millions. Since I had talked to Em when I dropped the kid off at the party, of course apologizing to the ass-hat about not filling him in sooner on Kendyll's condition, I figured it was best to call Jazz and let him know. Before I hung up with him, I told him things were looking up with her, though.

Indeed they were looking up. But then Carlisle pulled me into the hallway to tell me what some of the test results revealed. And my hopes crashed to the floor.

_Whatever happened to the young man's heart? Swallowed by pain as he slowly fell apart…_

~*fOrSaKeN*~

I was so happy to hear from Bella; excited to tell her that Kendyll had woken up today, finally feeling at least a little better. She seemed relieved when I told her that, but there was something in her voice that didn't sound right. I figured immediately that Kellan had done something – he did tend to get a little rambunctious around other kids – but she contradicted that by saying he had been great. I was a little confused, wondering what was wrong with her...until she dropped the goddamned bombshell on my head.

I was seeing red. So fucking pissed off that Captain _motherfucking_ Douche had shown up...had been there for the better part of an hour, and she hadn't called me until just then. He had been there for an hour, saying God only knew what, more than likely making snide comments and scaring the shit out of my son..._my_ son!

I didn't give two shits that Emmett was there. I mean, I knew he would've taken care of my boy. I knew he wouldn't have let anything happen, but I was having a little bit of trouble thinking clearly for the fucking rage I was feeling. She begged me to let him stay, but I hung up the phone. I just couldn't listen to her anymore. Let him _stay?_ Was she fucking crazy? I had trusted her, _goddamn it!_ I had trusted her with my son and the last thing I expected to hear was that she let that idiotic son-of-a-bitch anywhere near him! Hell no. He was going to stay long enough for me to get my ass in the car and get there as fast as I could to pick him up.

_And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45…swimming through the ashes of another life…_

Kendyll had fallen back to sleep, and for that I was actually grateful. I was in no state of mind to try and explain to her where I was going and why. Though I did feel like an asshole for the fact that she would be alone. Because Kendyll had regained a bit of her appetite, Esme had gone home to make a batch of her famous baked potato soup, insisting that she could fatten Kendyll up much quicker than the hospital food. There was no point in arguing with my mother when it came to food. And, of course, Carlisle had his arms buried elbow deep in someone's broken femur. At least that was what I thought I remembered him telling me. I was rather fucking delirious when he gave me his surgery schedule for the day. And I hadn't expected to be leaving so soon.

Nevertheless, I kissed Kendyll on the forehead, whispered that I'd be back soon, ordered the nurses to keep a close eye on her and to page Carlisle in any emergency, as well as reminded them to keep an eye out for the crazy, redheaded stalker.

I hardly remembered the drive to Bella's; my thoughts were jumbled blurs of that asshole and my son. By the time I got there, all the rage I'd been feeling had rendered me mentally exhausted, and I just wanted Kellan. There were several cars still there...I recognized Emmett's Hummer, Jasper's Jeep, Charlie's cruiser, and another cruiser that appeared to be unmarked. But I fucking knew whose it was. I'd recently ridden in the back of that cruiser. It was Sam's. And since I didn't see Captain Douche's truck anywhere, my brilliant doctor brain figured out pretty quick how Jacob had gotten to the party. I didn't know why, but I felt betrayed. Retribution would've been me immediately calling the Chicago PD to report a restraining order violation...and a dirty cop. But I was too fucking tired for that.

Despite the fact that my best friends were here, I couldn't bring myself to go inside. A confrontation was looming. I could feel it festering inside me, but I didn't want that in front of the kids. They didn't deserve that, especially on their day and my son didn't deserve any of this either. So, after a few calming breaths, I sent Bella a text, simply telling her to bring Kellan out.

Of course, it just wouldn't have been right for Bella _not_ to be a stubborn ass, as I watched her come through the front door, hugging herself in the cold air, sans Kellan.

_Goddamn it!_

At first I was hostile. Didn't want to talk...didn't want her to touch me...I didn't want a fucking explanation, and I told her that.

But then I looked at her. And I listened, really listened to the conviction in her voice. I saw the sincerity in her eyes as she rambled on about Captain Douche showing up with Leah and that little boy, and how she couldn't find it in her heart to reject him, and I...

She broke me. She unraveled me. Every fucking time. Her strength humbled me...to put up with such bullshit as she had and still be standing in front of me so vulnerable, as if one word from me would fracture her into a million pieces. I wanted to pick her up and hold her.

_No real reason to accept the way things have changed…_

But I was still so fucking angry about Jacob's little mind games and covert tactics that I couldn't. I snarled and hissed about it, but she didn't get angry back. She seemed to see right through it, touching me gently, begging me with her eyes and her words to let her in. And so I did. How could I not? I found myself confessing what I'd been told about Kendyll and unraveling once again.

She was comforting me, as she always did, when that ignorant son-of-a-bitch interrupted, as if he had an ounce of authority. Bella blew up, and I surprised myself by not...until he said I didn't love her. The motherfucker wouldn't have known love if it kicked him in the balls. I was just so done with his bullshit, though, that I told him he'd won today. I didn't give a shit anymore. If Bella wanted to continue to play his moronic games then so-be-it. I really just wanted to get the fuck out of there.

I felt a small sense of relief when the asshole finally went inside, and was warmed by Bella's soft lips immediately after, only to feel the cold seep in again when she pulled away, venturing back inside to get my boy.

I closed my eyes briefly, leaning against my car, feeling the cold prick of air against my skin in contrast to the warmth of the sun on my face. It was warmer today than it had been in weeks. The snow had started melting slowly into a messy slush, and I noticed large patches of grass in Bella's yard were peeking through. Even though it was warmer today, it was still fucking cold and, knowing winter in Chicago, it was bound to get much colder.

As I waited, distracting myself with the weather and Bella's lawn, I felt antsy. Though it had only been a minute or two since Bella had gone inside, it seemed much longer. My thoughts were heavily weighted with Kendyll; I wanted to push them away as the possibility of that horrific illness was too much to bear, but I couldn't. So I let Bella's brief kiss distract me into thoughts of our most recent night together, and the most incredible countdown to midnight ever known to man.

_Staring down the barrel of a 45…_

I smiled as I heard the door swing open, expecting to see Kellan coming toward me. My smile fell into a menacing scowl when, instead of my son, I saw Captain Douche barreling down the stairs. He had a look of cold determination on his face and my body tensed immediately. My jaw and fists clenched simultaneously as I glared in his direction. I didn't fucking want this right now; didn't feel like dealing with it, but I decided in that moment, if he wanted a fight – in front of a house full of people – I'd let him throw the first punch...and then I would most definitely take care of the rest. Maybe getting his ass handed to him twice would make him back off, but knowing Jacob, it wasn't likely. He just wasn't that smart.

I watched him as he stalked toward me. He wasn't looking at me. In fact, he turned and slipped through Alice's and Angela's cars, glaring over at me briefly before I heard Sam's cruiser chirp. The asshole bent down in the passenger side rummaging through something. I shook my head, rolling my eyes. What the fuck was he doing? Trying to show off that his dickhead friend was a big bad cop and he could just go through the cop car like he owned it? _Give me a fucking break._ He was such an idiot.

I heard the car door slam and smirked to myself as, this time, he made a bee-line straight for me.

"Find what you were looking f—" I started, sarcastically. But as I heard two distinct clicks, my eyes shifted suddenly to his right hand.

"Yes, I did," he snarled, raising his hand and pointing the barrel of the Glock in it straight at my head.

~*fOrSaKeN*~

I'd never given much thought to how my life would end. Never really thought about how or when it would happen. Other people, patients, yes, but not myself. Being a doctor, working at a hospital, I was surrounded by it, by death. Not every day, thankfully, in my current specialty it was a rare occurrence, like the recent loss of my patient, Lauren's baby. But in all the years I'd been in medicine, I had definitely witnessed my fair share of people leaving this world for the next. If there was a next world. I wasn't even a hundred percent positive of that. I was a doctor; supposed to believe only in scientific fact. Supposed to believe that the imagery witnessed and repeated by those close to death were nothing but the brain itself firing off synopses in a last ditch effort to provide some sort of comfort for the nothingness that followed. I felt like I was supposed to believe that, but strangely enough in my career as a doctor, I witnessed a handful of instances that were unexplainable by modern science. Miracles, perhaps? Was there life after death? I still wasn't sure. How could I be? But I had a feeling I was about to find out.

_Everyone's pointing their fingers…always condemning me! And nobody knows what I believe…what I believe!_

The thing was I didn't want to. Not yet. I wasn't ready to find out. If I had ever given my own death a second thought, I would've arrogantly thought that I would have a normal death, if such a thing existed. Perhaps a stress-induced heart attack when I was much older, or just simple old age. I would've preferred the latter, in my bed, holding my wife's faithful hand, surrounded by my children and grandchildren.

I never imagined it would be now, standing in Bella's driveway, confronted by a lunatic who thought I was stealing what was his, when she never truly belonged to him to begin with. I never thought it would be from a bullet to my brain at point blank range while people I knew and loved watched helplessly and in horror. I never imagined I would die because I fell in love with an amazing woman.

I never thought that.

_And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45…swimming through the ashes of another life…_

"Turn around," he ordered, walking toward me.

"What the hell are you doing with that? Don't be fucking stupid," I snapped, trying like hell to hide my fear. "Put that down before you hurt yourself!" This motherfucker was either crazy enough to go ahead and fucking shoot me, or he was stupid enough to try and scare me. I hadn't figured out which it was yet.

"Shut the hell up and turn around!" he shouted, taking more steps toward me. I thought once more about telling him to fuck off, but he just kept coming. I held my hands up immediately, my body frozen in place. Fear and fatigue were taking precedence over my anger.

"Take it easy," I hissed.

"You don't get to tell me what to do, asshole! I'm only gonna say it one more time! Turn. The fuck. _Around!"_

I fucking did what he said. Now facing toward the long driveway, I heard him walk to my side. Out of my peripheral, I could see the Glock pointed straight at my temple.

"You're not allowed to look at my house anymore! You don't look at my kids, and you don't look at my wife!"

"You know I can't do that, Jake," I replied in a low tone. He took another step, the cool metal of the gun pressed against my temple and I squeezed my eyes shut.

_Fuck...fuck!_

"Then you must be stupid," he stated, his voice monotone. It sent a shock of fear through me; the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end.

_No real reason to accept the way things have changed…staring down the barrel of a 45…_

I was no longer able to see the door, but I heard it swing open. Suddenly Emmett's voice rang out.

"What the fuck? Jake! What the _fuck_ are you doing?"

Jacob didn't answer him...bad fucking sign. I heard Emmett curse again, heard the door slam, and then nothing but Captain Douche's breaths and mine, increasing in tempo.

"What are you, just gonna shoot me in front of everyone? In front of Bella?" I asked, trying to disguise the slight shake in my voice. The gun shifted slightly against my skin; a cold chill slithered down my spine.

"Yes," he said, void of emotion.

I was starting to wonder where the fuck Emmett went, and were they going to just let me get blown the fuck away by this idiot, when I heard the door swing open again, and multiple voices erupted.

_"Oh my God!_ You crazy son-of-a-bitch!" Alice screamed.

"Go inside!" Jasper ordered her. "Don't let the kids see!"

My stomach sank to my knees thinking of Kellan. I found myself praying suddenly, that he or any of the kids, for that matter, wouldn't have to witness any of this.

"Jacob, what the hell? You got my gun? Put it down right now, goddamn it!" Sam shouted. I heard shrieking and crying from the other girls, I assumed, but I still hadn't heard Bella's voice. I wondered if she knew yet. I hoped she wouldn't, but I knew it was only a matter of time.

I heard Emmett's voice again. "Jake, man, you made your point, alright? Just put the fucking gun down _now!" _

But Jacob continued to ignore them. I knew I had to do something to try and save myself, but I couldn't find it in me to lie to him...to tell him I didn't love Bella, that I would leave her alone. I just couldn't do it. He had stopped speaking and that was a very bad sign. I thought if I could get him to talk again, to distract him in some way, I could make a move. I remembered, in my Jiu Jitsu training, how to handle an opponent with a weapon, I just never had to apply that training to real life. And in all honesty, I was fucking terrified.

"Jake..." I spoke in a low, methodical tone, trying to engage him but not set him off any more than he already was. "You don't want to do this, man. Put the gun down. Think of your kids. If you kill me, you'll be in prison. You'll never get to see them...or Bella. Is that what you want? For your kids to know that you're a murderer?"

He didn't answer. All I could hear was his erratic, labored breaths, the blood roaring in my own ears, and the muffled yells of my friends behind me. I couldn't turn to look at him, or anyone for that matter. He was too completely gone for that. I could, however, tell he was trembling. Whether it was in rage or fear, or a combination of both, I had no idea, but I could feel the barrel moving against the back of my left temple.

"Jacob! Step away from Edward and put the gun on the ground! Now!" Charlie's voice was suddenly loud, authoritative, and getting closer. I saw movement out of my peripheral, shifting my eyes to the left, seeing him in an official police stance, his gun drawn as well and pointed at Jacob.

_Fuck_. This situation just went from bad to straight into the bowels of hell.

Charlie took a step toward us. Jacob tensed, pressing the fucking barrel harder into my head and I hissed, squeezing my eyes shut again.

"I swear to God, Charlie, if you come any closer, I will blow his brains all over that pretty silver car of his." His voice was actually calm. I found myself wondering suddenly when the fuck Jacob Black had become a cold-blooded killer.

If I didn't do something soon, he was going to do it. I was convinced he was going to shoot me and all of these people, my friends and the woman I loved included, were going to watch me die. I fought back a tear as I thought of my son. All I could ask at this point was that he wouldn't watch his dad get shot...and that they would remove my body before he could see me, bleeding out with a gaping hole in my head.

Suddenly I heard her. I heard her shouting for people to move out of her way. I heard her as she tore through the door, her footsteps on the porch, and her loud, strangled gasp.

"NO, Jacob! STOP!" she screamed. "Please, please, Jacob, don't do this!"

I heard his breath falter. His hand trembled more intensely as the barrel pulled only a fraction away from my scalp.

That was it. That was the distraction I was looking for. I spun in toward him, slammed my hand on top of his forearm and shoved his arm holding the Glock toward the ground. I heard Charlie yelling my name at the same time I heard the shot ring out. And then everything went quiet, save for the ringing in my ears. Jake and I both fell to the ground. I wasn't sure where the gun was, but I felt Jacob's body jerk violently next to me and I rolled onto my back on the gravel, feeling the little rocks digging into my shoulders even through my jacket. I looked over and that was when I noticed the electrodes coming off of Jacob's back as he jerked like a fish out of water, his eyes rolled back in his fucking idiotic head, as Charlie ran toward us. He hadn't had his gun drawn after all; it was his Taser. Go fucking figure.

I still couldn't hear, only the loud ringing in my ears and the thumping of my own pulse. Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion...Charlie, Emmett and Jasper flipping Jake on his stomach while Charlie handcuffed him. Sam going to pick up his gun, like a fucking moron and Jasper jumping up to push him away from it. I really couldn't believe they gave that idiot a badge and called him a detective. Emmett was in my face suddenly. His mouth was moving, but I couldn't understand what he was saying. I wanted to laugh. I was alive, Captain Douche was alive – unfortunately – but the image of him getting tased and handcuffed was fucking hilarious to me. I went to take a deep breath, when a searing pain ripped through my lungs radiating through my rib cage, into my side and radiating down my left thigh. It took my breath away. I groaned, reaching my hand to where it hurt the most, just below my ribs on the left side and, when I pulled it back out, it was covered in blood.

"Shit," I hissed, realizing I could hear myself as suddenly, a cacophony of sounds hit me from all directions. I heard Bella screaming for someone to let go of her, Garrett I thought. I wanted to go to her so badly and hold her, but the pain was paralyzing and Emmett was practically on top of me. He was demanding that I look at him, but I couldn't focus. My watery eyes were searching for her but I couldn't see her.

"Let me go!" she continued to scream.

"Charlie, he's bleeding! And his leg! _Shit!"_ Emmett shouted; his voice hinted at panic. Emmett never panicked. I felt hands pulling on my jacket and shirt, and looked over to see Charlie's eyes widen for a split second before his head snapped to the side.

"Alice! Call an ambulance! Tell them he's been shot and we need them to hurry! Tell them to get the cops here too!" I heard Bella cry out when he said that, and seconds later, Alice's hysterical voice on the phone. "Tanya, run and grab some towels...anything; we have to stop this bleeding!"

Emmett immediately pulled his shirt off and ripped it in half shoving one half it into my side while Charlie wrapped the other around my thigh.

"Fuck," I groaned.

"I'm sorry, man," Emmett tried to smile, but it wasn't normal. It wasn't an Emmett smile. "You're gonna be alright, you hear me?"

I nodded as best I could. "That...asshole...shot...me." I coughed a little. _Goddamn_, it hurt so much to breathe.

"Yeah, but you're gonna be okay, brother, I promise."

At the same time, I heard Sam starting to say something to the effect of he was a cop and _he_ could take Jacob in. Charlie cut him off with a sharp, menacing tone.

"The hell you will! You're in deep shit yourself, _Detective_! Bringing him here...violating a restraining order with a loaded gun in your car! Are you insane? You'll be lucky if they only strip you of your badge and not lock your stupid ass up along with him!"

My breathing was getting shallower because it was just too fucking painful to draw a full breath, and I felt like I was frozen to the bone. I heard footsteps racing toward me and suddenly, Bella's beautiful, pain-stricken face was in front of me.

"_Edward!_ Oh _God_, Dad! There's so much blood! _Do_ something!" She rolled up a towel in her hand and gently lifted my head, placing it beneath like a pillow. Then she gingerly pressed another one on top of Emmett's shirt. I grimaced with the small movements, but I tried to smile at her. I wasn't sure if it registered though.

"Don't...cry...baby." I reached up to her face and she grabbed my hand. My voice was barely audible. It seemed to make her cry harder.

"Edward, _I'm so sorry!"_ She cried, her voice full of unbridled panic. "This is my fault! I'm so sorry! Please stay with me, Edward."

"Shh...not your...fault..." I coughed a little, groaning right after because it felt like my insides were being ripped the fuck out. "I'm not...going...anywhere...okay?"

She nodded frantically. "Okay, just keep looking at me, please Edward. I love you so much!" Her sobs were softer now, but I hated so much when I made her cry.

"I love...you too. Where's...K-Kellan?"

Her face twisted in pain as her tears fell relentlessly. "He's inside. Upstairs with my mom and the other kids. He's okay, baby. He doesn't know anything. None of them do." She tried to smile, but like Emmett, it didn't look natural.

I heard sirens in the background and felt a hint of relief. My eyelids were so heavy I could barely keep them open. I let them close for a split second, when Bella touched my face, crying out in panic.

"No, _Edward!_ Open your eyes and look at me! _Please!_ Dad, help him!"

I tried to open them, but my eyelids only fluttered. "It's...okay...doesn't...hurt anymore," I whispered. It wasn't a total lie. I was starting to feel numb. But my body felt so heavy...like an elephant was sitting on me. In my head, I knew what all this meant. It took everything I had not to ask for Kellan to be brought down so that I could see his little face one more time. The bullet had hit something...something major, and I knew it was only a matter of minutes before I bled out. But I didn't want him to see me like this. My death would be hard enough for his young mind to process, I didn't want him to have to deal with the trauma of seeing his dad lying in a pool of blood. He would never get over that.

"Edward? Baby?" Bella sobbed. Goddamn it, this was going to be the hardest on her. I didn't want that for her. I knew she'd carry around all this guilt for the rest of her life and the thought of that was unbearable.

"Don't...feel...guilty...promise me," I pleaded with her.

"What?" She shook her head in confusion.

"And...tell..." I took a couple shallow breaths, "Kellan...I...love...him. I...love...you, Bella."

_"No_ don't do that! You're not going to die! Edward Masen Cullen, do you hear me? You are _not_ going to die! You promise me that!"

"I...promise," I lied. There was no way I could promise that. And I could tell that my body was shutting down.

Captain Douche must've begun to panic as well when he heard the sirens. He'd been unusually quiet since, well since he shot me, but all of a sudden he began to chant.

"I was only trying to scare him! I didn't mean for it to go off, I swear to God I didn't!"

I honestly wanted to feel bad for him as I lay dying in the fucking gravel, but I couldn't. I did warn him and now, he was probably going to be rotting in prison somewhere, unable to see his kids; only able to watch them grow up behind a glass barrier with a telephone as his only communication once a month. He did this to himself. At least, I was hoping, I'd get to watch mine from somewhere up above or some other dimension. Who fucking knew...I guessed I would soon.

Several voices at once yelled at him to shut up. Bella jumped up from where she'd been hovering over me and I closed my eyes just for a second. I felt hot tears scorching the frigid skin at my temples. I wasn't crying; I was making peace. The pain was subsiding, and I knew what that meant too.

"Shut up, Jacob!" Bella screamed. "If lose him, I will do everything…_everything_ in my power to make sure you suffer! Do you understand me? I wish it were _you_ lying over there! Not him! You deserve everything you're gonna get!" I heard a smack and a brief struggle before she yelled again. "I hate you!" She was back in front of me in a flash...caressing my face, whispering that she was sorry, that she loved me, and crying.

I heard tires on gravel, car doors slamming, and Charlie yelling, "Over here!" I fell in and out of consciousness; flashes of uniforms, medical equipment and Bella's face, frantically trying to talk to me. I could hear my own breaths in my ears, shallow, and the paramedics scrambling to get me hoisted onto the waiting ambulance, one yelling to the other that my blood pressure was dropping.

"It's Doctor Edward Cullen!" Bella yelled at them. "His dad is at Chicago General, take him there!" I heard someone calling her name...Alice, maybe. At this point, I couldn't tell anymore. "I'm going with him! _No,_ Dad! I'm going with him!" I didn't know what Charlie had said to her. Probably tried to convince her that I would be fine...that she should stay with her kids. That was what I would've done. "Tell Mom to give the kids a kiss for me and I'll call her. Please." I heard Charlie again, murmuring something to her. "Emmett, call Esme, see if you can take Kellan to her. I-I don't want her coming here and seeing all that..._blood_." She started to cry again. I hated that she was crying. I just wanted her to stop.

Em came over and grabbed my hand. "You hang in there, bro," he said, his voice gruff. "I got little man, don't you worry." I couldn't say anything for the oxygen mask covering my face, so I nodded, looking into my best friend's watery eyes and knowing that was all I wanted...for him to take care of my boy.

The next thing I knew, I was in the back of the ambulance, Bella at my side, talking to me, her beautiful blue eyes filled with fear. I could barely hear what she was saying as I watched the paramedic push something from a syringe into the line attached to my blood-stained hand. Morphine, perhaps, or something similar. It warmed and tingled in my veins.

It was so strange; my life wasn't passing before my eyes like I always thought it would. I wasn't worrying about my mistakes or regrets. I was only thinking about those I loved...my parents, Kellan, Bella – who was squeezing my hand – and Kendyll. My heart broke for her. It killed me knowing I was going to have to break my promise to her.

Bella's mouth was moving; she was speaking to me so I tried to listen harder over the roar that had returned to my ears. "You promised," it sounded like a whisper, though I knew she was probably talking much louder. "You promised you would never leave me. You have to stay, Edward, please. Stay with me...stay with me...I love you...I won't make it without you, _please!"_ Her tears fell on the white sheet covering my chest. I couldn't talk back; I was so tired. All I could do was blink at her slowly and think to myself, wishing she could hear me.

_I'm so sorry_.

The last thing I heard as I closed my eyes and let the blackness encompass me was the paramedic cursing.

"Shit...Doctor Cullen? He's coding!"

_And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45…swimming through the ashes of another life….  
No real reason to accept the way things have changed…  
Staring down the barrel of a 45."_

~*fOrSAKeN*~

_***Chapter End Notes: Thank you so much for reading! I'll say it again…just trust me. **_


	61. Chapter 57 Not Without You

**Forsaken In My Mind's Past  
Chapter 57, Not Without You**

_**A/N: Mad, mad love to all of you for more amazing reviews. Not letting the couple negative nellies get me down. You fabulous peeps are what it's all about, and I thank you. **_

_**My betas have me wrapped around their little talented fingers. True story. **_

_**Some of you may have a question answered…or a suspicion confirmed in this one…enjoy. **_

_**I do not own the Twilight characters, nor do I own the songs used in this fic. But I hope you enjoy the twisted roller coaster ride I've created. Remember to keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times until it comes to a full and complete stop. The crazy plot below, I do own. So please respect.**_

_**Song: Scars~Anna Nalick**_

~*fOrSaKeN*~

"_Scars cover you in fine lines, number you a timeline; where was I when you stopped trying?  
You, borrowing my tears and harrowing in my mirror; covering our eyes so I can't see us crying;_

_I'm not going home without you…I'll save your life;  
Not going home without you…I'll make this right;  
And wait all night, if that's what it takes;_

_I can't believe this skin is one we've always been with, for as long as we recall;  
And for everything that it's been through, know that I forgive you; know that I will hold you when our sky is falling;_

_I'm not going home without you…I'll save your life;  
Not going home without you…I'll make this right,  
And wait all night, if that's what it takes;_

_And my reflection shows we're clinging to dear life. But I won't let us go; we'll make it through all right.  
My reflection shows we're clinging to dear life. So I won't let us go; we'll make it through all right;  
Scars cover you in fine lines, number you a timeline; maybe it is time that we lived by my guidelines;_

_I'm not going home without you…I'll save your life;  
No, not going home without you…I'll make this right,  
And wait all night, if that's what it takes;  
Save your life, if that's what it takes…wait all night, if that's what it takes."_

~*fOrSaKeN*~

_~Bella~_

"He's coding!"

I heard the EMT guy yelling this, but it didn't register right away. _Coding?_ What did that mean? I said it over and over in my head, and then it hit me. _Code Blue_...something they said in a hospital when someone was...

Oh _God!_ He was dying. Right in front of me, in this ambulance as we raced to the hospital. I was losing him...really losing him, and I would never get him back.

There was so much blood..._so much_ blood. He was lying in a pool of it by the time I'd gotten over to him. It was like he was swimming in it. Every time I closed my eyes I would see it...the blood...deep, dark and red in contrast to the snowy gravel of the driveway. Blood seeping everywhere.

Edward's blood...taunting me as it stole him away from me. The only man I had ever loved.

_"No!_ Edward! Edward, listen to me!" I squeezed his hand, leaning over his face, kissing him. His eyelids were fluttering, his eyes rolling back. "You have to fight it. Kellan needs you, Kendyll needs youand_ I_ need you. I need you so much. So you can't go! You can't go..._please!"_ I chanted over and over, resting my forehead on his, begging him not to leave me.

"Ma'am, I need you to move out if the way...Ma'am!"

I sat back covering my mouth with my hands, watching helplessly as the EMT pulled the sheet back, revealing Edward's bare chest, and placed flat, round pads connected to wires onto his skin.

"It's a defibrillator," he stated mechanically. As if he said it every day. As if every day, someone was sitting where I was, watching the person they loved more than anything slip away. "When I say clear, do not touch him, understand?"

I nodded, waiting and cringing as I stared at Edward's ashen face. _Open your eyes_. I chanted in my head. _I just need to see those gorgeous green eyes. Please._

"Clear!"

He pressed a button on the machine; Edward jerked violently on the gurney he was strapped to, and my world crumbled around me.

I listened, holding my breath as his pulse finally went back to steady, rhythmic beeping on the machine. My sigh of relief was audible.

"Thank God," I whispered, grabbing his hand again, kissing his knuckles one at a time. His hand was so large next to mine, strong, nimble. Those hands worked miracles every day, bringing new life into the world, yet here he was, hanging by a thread. I found myself praying the rest of the way to the hospital. Praying that God would let him stay with me just a little while longer. It hurt so much to see him lying there, practically lifeless, and the _guilt_...the guilt was eating me alive. The thought of what had just happened was so surreal; I couldn't even wrap my head around it. It seemed like a dream...a nightmare that I couldn't escape from. I would've given anything to trade places with him. Better yet, I would've given anything for Jacob Black to be lying here instead of Edward. What Jacob had done was unforgivable. I only wished I could've slapped him again and again before Charlie pulled me off of him.

_God_, then I felt guilty for thinking all that. Jake was the father of my beautiful children; I didn't really wish him dead. I didn't wish anyone dead, except maybe James, possibly Victoria, but I meant what I said to him. I did want him to suffer for this. I hated him and I couldn't stop that hatred from consuming me. Watching Edward so fragile and close to..._death_...was all the fuel I needed to fan the flames of that hatred. _Damn it_, I didn't want to think about Jacob right now, so I focused on whispering in Edward's ear that I was here; I wasn't leaving his side until he woke up and told me to; that I needed him...forever and always; that I loved him so, _so_ much.

It seemed like it was the longest ride of my life. When we finally got to the hospital, it felt as if I'd stepped off the crazy train and directly into the ninth circle of Hell. There was a flurry of activity as soon as we hurried through the doors. The EMT called out facts in a rushed voice as a team of doctors and nurses surrounded us immediately.

"Thirty-two year-old male, gunshot wound to the lower left abdomen. I shocked him en route. Significant blood loss, BP is eighty over forty and holding, possible pneumothorax on the left side."

People were barking orders and shouting about sinuses and liters of blood...I heard someone say something about internal bleeding and someone else leaning over Edward, talking to him, asking if he could hear them. I was terrified, and just trying to keep my sanity.

A female doctor cornered me suddenly. I tried frantically to look around her, to see what they were doing to Edward, but she blocked me. I was out of my mind with worry, and about to tell her off, when she took my arm.

"I'm Doctor Kelley. What's your name, honey?" she asked. Her voice was calm and steady.

"Bella," I answered. My voice, on the contrary, was strangled.

"Okay, Bella, he's lost a lot of blood. Do you know his blood type? We need to get a transfusion started."

"Um, n-no," I shook my head, starting to lose it again, feeling absolutely useless. She started to say something, when I interrupted her. "But-but, it's Edward Cullen! He works here...his-his dad, Carlisle, works here too!"

Her eyes widened. Her head snapped to Edward and the crowd of people surrounding him, and then back to me. "Doctor Edward Cullen?" Her tone was a little less controlled that time.

I nodded frantically. _"Yes!_ Please, save him...I'm his...I-I love him," I stuttered, not knowing how exactly to describe who I was to him, just needing her to know he meant everything to me. _"Please!"_ I begged.

"Shit," she muttered under her breath. That didn't put me at ease in the least. I figured the way it worked was that they detached themselves from the patients and emotional family members in order to get their jobs done effectively. They were supposed to be calm and collected...obviously until it was one of their own. "I need you to wait right in here, Bella." She rushed me to a small waiting room right off of trauma.

"No..._no!_ I want to be with him!" I cried, trying to get around her. She blocked me again. She was really good at that. I understood why.

"Bella listen to me. He's in bad shape, but we're going to do everything we can to bring him back to you, okay?" Her words were rushed. "Now I have to get back. I need you to stay here so we can do our jobs. Do you understand? I promise someone will talk to you as soon as possible."

I stared at her for a moment before nodding my head. "Y-yes."

She turned, hurrying back into the room where Edward lay. I heard her shouting as she went. "Okay, listen up people! This is Doctor Edward Cullen..." Several heads near me snapped in the direction of her voice when she announced his name, followed by some gasps and murmuring. "I want blood, ultrasound, and OR three prepped and ready, STAT! Let's go people! Somebody page Doctor Carlisle Cullen right now...and page ICU! I want their best team on him as soon as we get him there!"

I tuned out the chaos after that, unable to listen anymore. I couldn't sit down, couldn't relax, so I paced. I paced back and forth in that small room, waiting for what felt like hours when really, it had only been minutes. My head would snap to the side every time someone passed…nurses, even a janitor with a mop and pail...hoping that someone was coming to tell me he was alright. But all they did was stare at me as they walked, turning to one another, whispering. It was like they knew I was the whore who got Edward shot. I scrubbed my face with my hands, trying desperately to rid myself of this paranoia, but I couldn't, because it was fucking true. Oh _God_, if he died, I would be the whore that got him killed.

But I didn't really care about any of that. I just wanted him here, with me. I needed him to be okay. I was so fucking selfish, I made myself sick. Maybe he wouldn't want me after this…if he lived.

Jacob told me this would happen. I remembered his exact words..._it would be his funeral_. I should've listened. I should've cut Edward out of my life for good...for_ his_ own good...for his safety. No matter how much it hurt us both. Nothing hurt as much as this did. If I had listened, taken him seriously, maybe I wouldn't have been here, pacing in this godforsaken room, waiting to hear if my future was dead or alive.

And there again, I contradicted myself. My future. _God_, I hoped he was.

Suddenly my phone rang from within my purse, which I didn't even realize was hanging diagonally across my torso. An image of Alice throwing it over my shoulder as I jumped into the ambulance flashed in my head. I was thankful for that. I picked it up, seeing that it was my house, and answered it, figuring it would be the first of a thousand phone calls received today.

"Bella? Honey? Tell me what's happening? Is he alright?"

_"Mom!"_ I cried into the phone. I'd held it together in this waiting room all alone, but when I heard Renee's voice, I broke down. "I-I don't know! They took him in the room. They...wouldn't let me go in and-and now I'm in this room all by myself and I'm going crazy, Mom, I'm going crazy!"

"Oh baby," she cooed. "I'm so sorry. Charlie told me what happened and I just can't believe it. I can't believe Jake would do such a thing—"

"Mom, I can't talk about Jake right now, I just, I can't..." Just hearing his name made my skin crawl.

"I wish I could be there with you, baby. I really do."

"No, it's okay," I lied, "I need you there with the kids—" My breath left me in a rush. "The kids! Are they okay? Do they...do they know?"

"Oh, no, no, of course not. We just told them that Edward got hurt outside and had to go to the hospital. They seemed a little worried, but they're okay. They really seem to care about Edward a lot," she rambled. I knew they cared about him a lot. I couldn't imagine how they would feel, what I would have to say to them...if...

I couldn't think about that anymore. He _was_ going to make it.

"Oh God," I gasped. "Kellan! What...what did you say to him?" I couldn't even begin to fathom what that little boy was going through right now. My heart ached for him...for Carlisle and Esme...for me...my heart just ached.

"He doesn't know," she said sadly. "We didn't come out until the police had already left...and taken Jake. Your dad sprayed the driveway before Emmett took Kellan out to his car, so he didn't see any of the...blood." I shuddered at the thought. "He said he was going to tell him once they got to Esme's and then he should be heading to the hospital. At least that's what he said he was going to do. He and Nicci is it? She's such a lovely girl." I wanted to scream at her to focus, but I didn't. "They were gone before I told the kids about Edward."

I couldn't stop thinking about the blood since she'd mentioned it. There had been so much of it..._so_ much. My eyes welled up with tears again. He had to have lost most of it. How could he have had any left in his body after that? Just as the dam was about to break again, Carlisle rushed into the room with a worried expression.

"Bella!" he exclaimed.

I was stunned for a moment before finding my voice. "M-Mom, I have to go. Carlisle is here." I didn't even wait for her to respond before hanging up and hurrying toward him. He grabbed onto me as I nearly collapsed in his arms. _"Carlisle!_ I'm so sorry! I-I don't know what to do!"

"I just got out of surgery," he blurted quickly. "What happened?"

"He...he...Jacob shot him! I don't...I don't..." I couldn't get the words out. I couldn't focus; couldn't think straight.

_"Shot_ him? With a gun?" Carlisle's expression turned to panic, which I was absolutely positive, was a rare occurrence. I nodded, still unable to verbalize. His hands gripped my arms and he leaned down, face to face with me, staring me dead in the eyes. "Is he alive?"

"Oh God," I wailed. "I think so...he's in there," I pointed. "They-they wouldn't let me go in with him. Wouldn't let me stay with him, and I don't know anything!" My shoulders were shaking, my chest heaving with the force of my sobs. Carlisle shook me gently.

"Bella, Bella, listen to me very carefully. Do you think you could make some calls for me? Could you do that? I have to get in there."

"Everybody knows!" I cried.

"Who's everybody?"

"Emmett, Jasper, my family...it happened at my kids' birthday party! I'm so sorry! Emmett t-took Kellan to your house to tell Esme. He-he should be coming here. Carlisle, I don't know what to do!"

He pulled me into him squeezing me tightly. "You just stay here," he said, pulling back. "I promise you, we'll take care of him. I'll let you know what's going on as soon as I can. Just stay here!"

With that, he turned and bolted toward the trauma room.

More minutes passed with no information. More people walking down the hallways; more stares; more whispers. I finally turned my back to it. I didn't want to see them anymore. I turned my head once to see the retreating form of a nurse with bright red hair and almost screamed at her...for looking like the skank that started all this mess in the first place. That was perfect. _Why don't you just blame all your problems on Victoria for the rest of your life...idiot._

Before I could berate myself any longer, Alice and Jasper entered the waiting room, both sets of eyes trained on me. I could tell Jasper was trying to exude a sense of calm, but his eyes told another story, and Alice's face was the picture of concern. She tilted her head down, eyebrows raised, silently asking the question I knew was on everyone's mind – including mine – and I shook my head, my face crumpling with worry and sorrow.

"I don't know," I whimpered.

Alice pulled me into her arms and hugged me tightly. I tried to steady my breathing as she rubbed soothing circles on my back, but it was to no avail.

"He'll be okay, baby sis. He'll be okay. Have you seen Carlisle?"

I nodded, wiping my eyes. "He's in there with him now."

"That's good," she said quietly. Jasper sat down in a chair and pulled out his phone, beginning to type. I assumed he was sending a text to Emmett or something. I didn't know; didn't pay much attention. Alice sat down as well, pulling me into the seat next to her.

"My babies are okay?" I blubbered.

Alice nodded. Jasper glanced at me sadly. "And Emmett took Kellan to Edward's moms. He...doesn't know."

"I know," I nodded. "I talked to Mom." I sighed heavily, looking down at my hands.

Alice followed my gaze. "Oh, honey, your hands are covered in dried blood. Maybe we should go to the restroom and wash them?"

_"No!"_ I shrieked, pulling my hands to my chest hastily. It may have been morbid and disgusting, but it was Edward's blood. It was the only part of him I could have with me right now. Besides, I wasn't stepping foot out of this room until I knew exactly what was going on with him.

"Okay..." She eyed me cautiously, like I was a wild, caged animal...unstable and unpredictable. "Um, have you heard from anyone else? Anyone from the party? Dad?"

I shook my head. "I feel bad about just leaving everyone there, at my own house, to fend for themselves," I muttered sadly, clicking my thumbnails together nervously.

"Trust me, Bella; everyone is basically worried out of their minds. No one is upset with you."

"Well maybe they should be," I muttered softly. "This is all my fault."

She grabbed my blood-stained hands. "Stop it, Bella! This is_ not_ your fault! This is the fault of that ignorant, narcissistic _prick _who was stupid enough to get a gun and shoot somebody at point-fucking-blank range! Good thing he's in jail, or I'd find him and fucking shoot him myself! And if Edward dies, that asshole will rot in prison where he belongs!" At this point, she was shouting. Several hospital staff members walked over to the doorway, staring in shock, and I began to cry again. Not about Jacob rotting in jail...that part I was morbidly okay with. It was what she said about Edward.

"Alice, enough!" Jasper hissed, putting his arm around her and patting my knee gently.

"I'm sorry," she said immediately, her expression chagrined. "That was insensitive. Bella, he's not going to die...Bella, I'm sorry."

I just kept crying. I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop crying until I knew he was alright.

"Sis, listen to me—"

"Why does everyone keep _saying _that to me?" I screeched. "I'm listening, okay? _Goddamn it!"_

Alice seemed to be okay with me letting a little of my anger out on her. She promptly rubbed circles on my back again as I leaned over and scrubbed my face. I was certain I looked a mess. I just didn't care.

"It's okay, sis, let it out," she said soothingly. "But he's gonna make it, I promise."

"You can't promise me that!" I snapped my head around. "Nobody can! Edward promised me he would never leave me and he's in there!" I jumped up, pointing toward the trauma area. "Fighting for his life because of me! He can't even really promise me that! How can you?" Alice stood up alarmed as my sobs reached epic proportions. She walked toward me, but I pushed her away. "I hate Jake! I hate him so much!" I shrieked, pacing back and forth furiously. "I just...I-I want to wrap my hands around his throat...and-and I want to _squeeze_ it! I want to squeeze and squeeze until all the life in him is gone! _God_, I hate him so_ fucking_ much!"

I hardly noticed the hospital staff emerging again from the shadows of the hallway because of the rivers flowing relentlessly from my eyes, but I saw Jasper turn to them and hold his hand up, keeping them from putting me in the straitjacket I so desperately needed.

"How could I have ever..._ever_ thought he was a decent person? How! How could _he_ be the father of those two beautiful, amazing babies of mine?" I collapsed in the middle of the floor in a heap of sobs. I felt Alice's arms circle me and then Jasper's strong arms lift me as if I weighed nothing. He sat down with me on his lap, rocking me like a child, and I cried into his shirt. Alice's soft whimpers and sniffles echoed in my aching head.

After a short while of being cradled in Jasper's arms, I heard a throat clear. A gruff voice said my name. I stood slowly on shaky legs and turned to see Carlisle walking toward us. He wiped his eyes quickly and cleared his throat again.

"C-Carlisle?" I asked weakly. He opened his mouth to speak as I began to shake my head, mouthing the word 'no' repeatedly. I couldn't get any sound to come out of my mouth. This was it. This was the moment the news would come that the man I loved was dead. And that news was coming from his father. _Oh God_, I saw the redness in his eyes, the way they were bloodshot; I saw the way he was looking at me, and I just...knew.

"Please, no," I whispered. There was no fathomable way to hear this news. Maybe it would've been better to hear it from a doctor who was a stranger to me and to..._Edward_. It hurt so much to think his name. But this was Carlisle. Someone who loved him...nurtured him since he was just a baby...taught him everything he knew so his boy could follow in his footsteps. It was unthinkable to me. It was killing him inside, and I was certain he knew it was going to kill me. I could feel myself dying with each step he took as he slowly walked toward me, reaching to take my hand. Alice stood and took her place right next to me, impossibly close, lacing her fingers with mine, ready to catch me when I fell from the force of what I was about to hear.

"Bella," he said, taking my other hand. I couldn't look at him. My face twisted in pain as his thumbs glided over my knuckles. It reminded me of something Edward would do, and I nearly doubled over from the proverbial punch in my gut. "Bella, he's in surgery."

My head snapped up to his face. I saw a sad smile playing on his lips. "He...he's alive?"

He nodded. "Yes, he's alive..." But his expression turned grave. My stomach twisted again. "But he's..." he sighed, clearing his throat again. This was so painful for him, that much was obvious. Part of me was elated, though, that Edward was alive at least. Two seconds ago, I didn't think I would ever see him again. "He's critical right now."

My eyes burned with tears. _Critical._ That meant I still might never see him again.

At least there was a little bit of hope, right?

"What...what do you mean?" I choked on my words.

"Here's what I know," he said softly. "He's lost a lot of blood. So far, they've given him three units, probably more before his surgery is over." Carlisle's eyes seemed distant as he continued. Like he was lost in thought about his son's horrific injuries and was trying with all his might to sound clinical. "The bullet entered here." He touched my abdomen a couple inches below my left ribs. I knew why he touched me rather than himself...because my eyes were so full of tears, I couldn't have seen if he tried to show me. So I had to feel. "The blast cracked a couple of his ribs here." He gently touched my rib, and then removed his hand. "And partially collapsed his left lung. It went through his spleen...which is, uh..." He cleared his throat again. "...the main reason for much of the blood loss." I grimaced, thinking of the pool he was lying in, in my driveway. "And the other reason is that it nicked his femoral artery when the bullet exited near his groin, on his thigh." I was trying...so hard to keep up, but everything he said just seemed to be getting worse and worse. I couldn't imagine surviving injuries of that magnitude. I wanted to explode...again...and the guilt was all consuming.

"The entire spleen isn't necessary. It can be mostly removed and still work sufficiently. That'll help. They put a tube in his chest to relieve the pressure from the blood on his lung, so they've been able to re-inflate it. He was actually lucky," he chuckled humorlessly, "that the bullet only nicked the femoral artery. If it had severed it...along with the spleen..." he sighed exasperatedly, "he probably wouldn't have made it to the hospital." He must've noticed my terrified, confused expression, as he bent down to look into my eyes. "Bella? Do you have any questions?"

Did I have any questions? _My God_, I didn't even know where to begin. My mouth opened and closed a couple times before I was finally able to vocalize the only question that mattered.

"Is he...is he gonna be alright?"

I watched as his eyes suddenly filled with tears. They reddened, shifting between mine.

"I wish I could answer that for you, Bella. Believe me; I want to know as much as you do."

My heart splintered in my chest. It was all I could do to keep from sobbing again.

"But I can tell you this...the best of the best are working on him right now. I'll be going in to check his ribs...they-they don't want me to, but I don't trust anyone else to do it, you know? He's my boy...I need to help. There's not much that can be done with cracked ribs, but if there's more damage, I just…I have to be in there."

I couldn't hold it in anymore. A sob erupted from my chest. Carlisle pulled me to him and patted my back gently.

"But, sweetheart, listen," he tried to comfort me. I couldn't believe it. His son was lying in surgery, clinging to life because of me, and he was comforting me. He was, without a doubt in my mind, an amazing man. "As long as the surgery goes well, and I think it will, he'll be okay. He won't be out of the woods yet, but he'll be on his way. Okay?"

I nodded against his chest, crying into it. "Carlisle, I'm so sorry! This is all my fault! If I hadn't—"

He pulled back to make me look at him. "Bella, we don't need to worry about any of that right now. Let's just focus on getting him through surgery, alright?"

"Okay." I nodded, blowing out a shuddering breath.

"Do you ever pray?" he asked, eyeing me cautiously.

"Yes," I whispered.

"If it makes you feel any better, pray for him. He could use all the help he can get."

I nodded again as Carlisle stepped back to address the three of us. "Now, I need to get back and prepare to help with surgery. But first I need to call my wife."

My knees went weak at the mention of Esme. I couldn't even imagine the horror she was living in right now. The three of us thanked him, me in a meek, pathetic voice, as he nodded and turned, striding away. Alice came over, wrapping her arm around my waist, and walked me back to a chair. I sat down, put my head in my hands, and prayed harder than I'd ever prayed in my life.

~fOrSaKeN*~

The minutes ticked by in silence. No one said anything. I was staring at the TV mounted on the wall, as blurry images of some old Cagney and Lacy-type show flashed across the screen. But my water-logged eyes couldn't focus. Instead, my brain was inundated with horrifying images of Edward lying on an operating table being sliced open, his organs being taken out, sewn up, some being removed, his body being stuffed with white towels as they were instantly saturated with his deep...red...blood.

I decided in that moment, that I had watched entirely too many hospital dramas in my day. I wasn't sure how many minutes had passed when I heard footsteps approaching. Looking over to my left, I noticed Emmett and Nicci standing in the large hallway. Nicci was visibly shaken; her hand clasped tightly in Emmett's; her face red and splotchy, eyes glassy. It was obvious she'd been crying. But Emmett...Emmett stood stoically, rigidly. His jaw clenched and unclenched repeatedly. I could see, even from where I was sitting, even through my bleary eyes, how much emotion he was holding back. I could see it in his bright blue eyes, filled with fear, trepidation, and dread. One look at him, and my heart shattered all over again.

I was so exhausted by the waves of emotion that crashed upon me every so often that I couldn't even make myself jump up and run to him, sobbing like I wanted to. Instead I stood slowly to face him and walked to him with all the energy of a sloth, each step more painful, more forlorn than the last. When I finally reached him, I stared up at him, my eyes filling with traitorous tears once again. He stared down at me for a few seconds before clearing his throat.

"So what's the word, Belly-Bells?" His voice was quiet, strained. He tried to smile at me, but it only looked painful. My breath caught in my throat. I tried to swallow around the lump that formed in that instant. Seeing Emmett this way, so overcome with worry, no matter how much he tried to hide it, was beyond devastating. I didn't know how to handle it.

"He's in...he's in surgery," I murmured. My voice was hoarse; it cracked on 'surgery.'

"Carlisle with him?" he asked, still quiet, still restrained. I nodded; my brows furrowed in anguish. Emmett reached toward me, his thumb capturing a tear as it fell from my eye, and I couldn't take it anymore. I leaned my head into his chest...and I cried. I felt his enormous arms curl around me and lift me, holding me tight against him.

"Bells," he whispered. I knew that if he spoke any louder, his voice would've cracked too. "It's okay, I'm here. I've got you." I cried against his shoulder even harder because that was exactly what Edward said to me just a few days prior. "Shh, Belly-Bells, don't cry. I hate it when girls cry."

In my delirious state, I found that strangely amusing because it was just _so_ something he would've said at a time like this. I giggled into his shirt, and felt his shoulders shaking slightly with his own chortles. It wasn't long until I was in a full-fledged fit of hysterical laughter...Emmett as well. I was sure everyone in the waiting room was looking at us like we were certifiable.

I knew for a fact I was.

But something happened, my brain hay-wired and my hysterical laughter soon turned to maniacal sobbing. Emmett pulled me to him again, holding me tightly. Then he knelt down, as one would do a child, and he held my face in his hands.

"You know what?" He said softly, his eyes glistening with tears, his lips quivering. "We're gonna be alright, and you know why? Because _he's_ gonna be alright." I nodded, still sobbing. "Now, you quit that crying, Belly-Bells, because I can't take it. Because I'm a grown-ass man, looking like a fucking pussy right now with these fucking tears in my eyes, okay?" I laughed a little bit through my tears. "Are we clear?" I nodded. "Good. Buck up, cowgirl," he said smacking my ass. I laughed again.

Nicci wrapped her arms around my shoulders, squeezing briefly. "I'm so sorry, Bella," she whispered, kissing me on the cheek and sniffling, trying to wipe her eyes discretely. It was sweet and I appreciated her even more than I realized.

"Hey! Where are the Kleenex boxes in this joint?" Emmett bellowed, throwing his arms in the air as he stared into the – for once – empty hallway. "This is bullshit!" The room erupted in laughter.

Thank God for Emmett's comic relief, however short-lived it may have been, because seconds later, Charlie showed up. I knew that, had I still been hysterical, my poor father might have had a coronary. And I damned sure didn't need two people I loved clinging to life. But Charlie surprised the hell out of me by marching straight up to where I was sitting, my arms wrapped protectively around my knees, and pulling me up into a fierce hug. He stroked my hair, kissing the top of my head softly before pulling back to look me over.

"You okay, Bells?"

I nodded. I wasn't. He knew I wasn't, but he smiled sadly anyway, grunting in response.

"You wanna talk about it?" he asked cautiously. It was funny how he just knew what I needed in his simplistic way.

I shook my head. "I'm all talked out, Dad; I just…want him to be okay."

He nodded, grunting again, taking my hand in his and squeezing it before patting Alice on the shoulder and taking a seat next to Emmett and Jasper.

Because I was spent beyond comprehensive thought, Jasper proceeded to fill Emmett and Charlie in on what Carlisle had told us. I tried to tune their discussion out as much as possible. I didn't necessarily want to hear the details again. When the room became entirely too quiet, I turned to Emmett, my curiosity getting the best of me.

"How are Esme and Kellan?"

He leaned forward, elbows on his knees as he sighed, scrubbing his face with his hands. He leveled a pair of sad blue eyes on me before shaking his head. "Esme is...a mess; she's worried sick, of course, but she's a strong woman, Bella. You're a lot like her." I wished I could've agreed with him. I didn't feel strong. "And little man," he continued. "He doesn't understand what's going on. I tried to explain as best I could without going into detail, but that shit is hard, ya know?" I nodded. I couldn't even imagine. "He wants to be here with the rest of us, but I think it's best for him not to be here right now."

He was right. This was no place for Kellan. I knew seeing all of us like this...worry-stricken and in shock at the events that had taken place...would have probably traumatized the poor boy. It was better for Kellan to see his dad awake and recovering. I just prayed that would be the case.

"Besides," Emmett continued, "Esme wants to be here, so Rose is picking little man up, taking him to her house, so Esme can come. She should be here soon."

No sooner had he gotten that out of his mouth, when we heard a clamoring out in the hallway.

"Where _is_ he?" A female voice screamed. All of our heads snapped in the direction of the voice. I knew that voice. I hadn't heard it in a while, but I would've recognized it anywhere.

Rosalie.

"I don't care! I'm the mother of his child, for God's sake, and I want to see him..._now!"_

"Shit," I groaned, leaning forward, placing my hands on the back of my head.

"You have got to be fucking kidding me," Emmett muttered under his breath.

"What? Who is that?" Nicci asked.

_"That_ is the idiot who's supposed to be picking up her son. Not coming here to start fucking drama!" Emmett spat, shaking his head.

I looked over at him; he glanced back at me almost apologetically, and then both of us looked toward the entry as we heard heels clacking loudly and coming our way.

"That stupid bitch says anything to you, Bella, and I will go ape-shit on her ass. I swear to God," Alice hissed.

As if my sister had predicted the future, Rosalie flew into the waiting room like a hurricane of blonde hair, manicured nails and fake fur.

"You!" She pointed one of those manicured nails at me, her face full of rage. "You did this! This is YOUR fault!"

Emmett shot up from his seat as Rosalie stomped toward me, putting himself between us. I stared at her, my mouth agape, in stunned silence. Charlie and Jasper rose slowly; I could see them walk to stand close to Emmett out of my peripheral vision, ultimately blocking my view of her. Alice stood and approached her. My eyes cut to my sister; I watched as she put her hands on her hips and cocked her head to the side. On any other occasion, it would've been fun to watch her go after the bitch, but I wasn't laughing today.

"Oh look, it's the mother of the year. What a treat," Alice snarked, mocking her. Jasper held his arm out to block Alice from advancing toward her.

"Are you kidding me? You're kidding, right?" Rosalie shouted. "Edward gets shot at _her_ kids' birthday party, at _her _house, where _my_ kid was, by _her_ not even ex-husband, and you're calling _me_ mother of the year?"

Charlie visibly bristled. My stomach rolled with nausea as her words rang true in my head. I tried to quell it by breathing slowly, but it was relentless. So I leaned over, one arm cradling my stomach, my other hand gripping my head. I heard Alice begin to say something, but she was cut off by Emmett's roar.

_"Rose!_ That's enough!"

Jasper physically moved Alice back to the chair next to me, where she put her hand on my back and began rubbing soothing circles once again. I glanced up to see Rosalie cowering in front of Emmett.

"It is not the fucking _time_ for this, Rosalie!" he berated her. "What are you doing here? You're supposed to be going to get Kellan right now!"

"But...but, I wanted to see if Edward was okay..." she rambled.

"You ever hear of a fucking _phone_, Rose?" he yelled. She flinched, but then her eyes narrowed. "You're not helping _anything_ right now! Kellan needs to be with his mother, but where are you, huh?" he roared. She flinched again and I watched as her brown eyes filled with tears. "Not taking care of your son, as usual, that's for fucking sure! Bella is a better mother than you'll ever _dream_ of being! That's why Edward wants to take him from you...because you're a selfish bitch!"

"That...that's not true!" she screeched.

"It IS fucking true!" Emmett took a step toward her and she stepped back. Charlie and Jasper exchanged worried glances; Alice was smirking, arms crossed over her chest, and I was stunned stupid. "You're forgetting that I've been around since day one, Rosalie! I've witnessed every-fucking-thing, and I know how you are!"

"How does what happened today have anything to do with my parenting, Emmett? I still care about Edward! It doesn't change the fact that it's _her_ fault _he_ got shot!" she huffed.

"Edward doesn't give a shit about you; he loves his son…and he loves _her!_ He's always loved her! _None_ of this is her fault! And it's about your parenting because you should be taking care of your son, my nephew, instead of being here, causing fucking problems. Kellan is upset, and confused. Or don't you give a shit about that?" Emmett shook his head at her in disgust.

I wasn't sure what to do. I wanted to cry and I wanted to laugh. I wanted to hug Emmett and kiss his face for saying that, but most of all, I just wanted Rosalie to go the hell away…and I wanted to see Edward…so much it hurt.

"I _do_ give a shit!" she shouted. "And he's not really your nephew."

My head snapped in her direction and, whether I agreed with her that this was my fault or not, I suddenly wanted to punch her.

"You stupid bitch!" Emmett snarled, advancing toward her. Charlie jumped in front of him as Rosalie backed up to the doorway with wide, frightened eyes. I didn't truly believe Emmett would've hurt her, but he was raging – he was terrifying when he was raging – and rightly so.

"Real fucking classy," Alice snapped.

"Alright, let's just calm down," Charlie spoke in his authoritative tone. My stomach was still rolling violently as I continued to try to control it. I saw Charlie reach over and touch Rosalie's hair. "Rose, why do you have dried blood in your hair?"

"What?" she spat, immediately defensive. "It's not blood! It must have been from my lunch."

"Rosalie, I doubt you've changed much since you used to acknowledge me as family, and I've never known you to eat so sloppily as to get food in your hair. Besides, I'm a cop. I know what dried blood is," Charlie admonished, his tone sharp.

She stared at him in shock as we all stared back at her. "Okay fine," she huffed again. "A friend of mine got...hurt earlier today. His...his face was bleeding. I just helped him clean up."

_"Him?"_ Emmett hissed. "What's his name?" he demanded.

She raised her chin petulantly. "His name is none of your business."

"It was that motherfucker, _James_, wasn't it?" Emmett yelled. Rosalie's eyes widened, the color draining from her face. It spoke volumes more than her lying mouth ever could. My stomach gurgled and lurched.

"So you were with James today...after he stalked Bella at her own home? Bet he didn't tell you why I bloodied his face up real fucking good for him, did he? Probably didn't have time while he was screwing you senseless!" Emmett continued, his tone increasing to a terrifying level. Rosalie's mouth fell open as Emmett pointed his finger at her, snarling. "You make me fucking sick! Leave! Now! And take care of your son!"

"But...but, I didn't know—"

"Rosalie!"

We all turned at the sound of Carlisle's voice echoing through the room. I'd never heard him raise his voice before, and it startled all of us. Another wave of nausea hit me as I saw how exhausted and haggard he looked. My mind instantly returned to the images of Edward in surgery, the horrifying images my brain created as well as the memory of his blood everywhere. My heart thundered in my chest.

"Carlisle, I—" she started, but he interrupted immediately.

"My wife is worrying herself to death while you stand here and argue?"

"I'm sorry, I—"

"Yes...you are," Carlisle snapped at her. "A sorry excuse for a mother." Rosalie gasped. "Do as Emmett said and leave _now_. Go take care of my grandson while the people who really love my son try and get him through this. I'll let my grandson know when he can come and see his dad. Are we clear?"

Rosalie nodded her stunned blonde head and turned, stumbling as she hurried out of the room.

I stood up quickly to go to Carlisle, to find out what happened in surgery...to see if the man I loved was still alive...but suddenly I felt dizzy and weak. Charlie caught me just as I was about to crash to the floor, and sat me back in the chair.

"Are you alright, kiddo?" he asked, alarmed.

"I think," I swallowed, whimpering. "I think I'm gonna be sick."

Alice grabbed a nearby trashcan, which made my insides churn even more, placing it under my face as I proceeded to purge everything from within my aching stomach into it...in front of the entire world of Chicago General Hospital.

Charlie pulled my hair back, while awkwardly rubbing circles on my back. When I finished, I pushed the trashcan away, placing my head in my hands and trying to breathe. Carlisle appeared in front of me. I stared through my fingers at his bright white tennis shoes and the blue pant legs of his scrubs just above them. It was strange to me, seeing him in those shoes. He always had those black shiny ones on every time I'd seen him. I kept my eyes fixed on them. I didn't want to look at his face. I just...wasn't ready to know.

"Bella," he murmured softly. "Take this." He handed me a clean towel. I sat up a little, pressing it to my mouth trying to keep the lingering sobs at bay. "Hey," he said, his tone urging me to look at him. "I have good news."

I wasn't sure I heard him right, so I lifted my head to see glistening blue eyes staring back at me, and a gentle smile.

"He...he made it through? He's okay?" I asked cautiously, my voice barely audible even to me.

Carlisle nodded. "He's still in serious condition, but no longer critical. The surgery went..." he paused, looking toward the ceiling briefly as if to send up a prayer of thanks himself, "perfectly."

"Thank God!" Emmett exclaimed. I heard the others breathe a collective sigh of relief.

I wanted to scream and yell with excitement; jump up and down, cheer, but my body was utterly spent. I stood up slowly, my legs feeling like Jell-O, and wrapped my arms around him.

"Thank you," I whispered, letting tears of relief stream down my cheeks. "Thank you so much. I'm so sorry, Carlisle."

He patted my back, pulling back to look at me. "No more of that. Now, he's not out of the woods, like I told you. We have to watch him closely over the next few days for infection and possible blood clots. And of course, he'll be in some pain for a while."

I nodded. All I could think was that he was alive. I would be able to touch him...hold him...breathe in his incredible scent...talk to him...

And beg him for forgiveness.

"Can I see him?"

Carlisle smiled, as if he had known exactly what I was going to ask. He nodded and my heart soared, but his slight grimace made me cautious about my excitement.

"He isn't conscious yet. He's recovering in ICU and he'll be sedated for a while. Really, only family is allowed in there..." My heart dropped into my stomach until he continued. "But Bella, you and all of you," he looked around the room, "are as much his family as Esme and I."

I smiled through my tears, but looked over at Emmett. He had his arms around Nicci, her head nestled against his chest. I didn't know what the right thing to do was. Didn't know if his best friend, the man he considered his brother, should've gone in to see him first, or me. Emmett's opinion was the only one that mattered to me at that moment. He saw my questioning gaze, and smiled back at me, his eyes bright with what I could only imagine were relieved, unshed tears. He nodded encouragingly and so I nodded in return.

"Come on, Bella," Carlisle said, nodding toward the hallway. "I'll walk you up.

~*fOrSaKeN*~

In all honesty, I was terrified as we entered the intensive care unit. I tried to avert my gaze from the looks of pity Carlisle received as we passed hospital personnel; I was certain those gestures weren't for me, though one kind-looking nurse managed a sad smile at me when, at one point, I did raise my head.

Carlisle had tried to engage me in conversation on the way up, but I was too caught up in my own head to really participate much. He asked me about my hand and I nodded at the appropriate time when he asked if it was feeling alright. Carlisle was quite an intuitive man, though, noticing how nervous I was as my steps seemed to get slower and slower. My eyes darted around, not necessarily focusing on anything or anyone in particular, and my hands clenched into fists repeatedly. He finally stopped, pulling me aside to try to help me prepare.

Try he did, but again I had a hard time keeping up. He even apologized, stating he was used to seeing patients post-op and even though it was his son, his experience allowed him to see past all the gore and just know that Edward would be okay. I didn't understand how he could _just know_ when Carlisle himself had told me Edward wasn't out of the woods yet, but I didn't want to question him. I wanted to believe as he did.

Still, all the talking that Carlisle did, all the explanations all the brief preparation...it was nothing compared to what I saw when I walked into that hospital room.

There was no possible way I could have ever prepared for it.

The smell accosted me first. It was chemical, medicinal. The scent of Edward was nowhere to be found...the musky, sandalwood scent I loved so much. Then there were the sounds. My ears tuned in to the incessant mechanical noises...the beeping of machines, one long and daunting, another short and steady. That one was the only thing that comforted me. His heartbeat. There was a clear cylinder above his bed, I watched the device inside it, pumping air up, and then down...up, down. And there seemed to be a ridiculous amount of IV bags hanging to the right of him.

_Him._

I had looked at everything but Edward when I walked in. When I finally laid eyes on him, my entire world shattered again.

"Oh!" I gasped, my hands flying to cover my trembling mouth. He barely resembled himself. His face...his beautiful face was almost as white as the sheets on his hospital bed. His arms lay at his side, lifeless. Oxygen tubes invaded his nostrils and his lips...those lips that I had kissed only hours before...were half-opened with a horrible tube taped to the side of his mouth. My eyes raked over his face to his chest, where I noticed a line coming up from under the gown he was wearing. It was attached to the three IV bags I'd seen. And more wires attached to the heart and blood pressure monitors...and I wasn't sure what else.

"Jesus," I whispered through my fingers as my eyes followed the silhouette of his body...so still...unnaturally still. There were tubes coming out from both sides of the bed, disappearing under the sheet and blanket. I didn't know where those tubes led and I wasn't sure I wanted to know. It was all so overwhelming, seeing Edward, my Edward so weak and helpless when he had always been so strong, so protective.

He always protected me...but I couldn't protect him.

My knees felt weak; my entire body began to shake and my chest heaved with the anguish that came over me. I felt Carlisle touch my elbow and my back simultaneously, as if to hold me up, but I was determined to control myself. I focused on the one thing that showed me that my Edward was alive, other than the machine beeping steadily. I watched his chest rise and fall steadily. I didn't know if he was doing it himself or if the machine was doing it for him or both, and I didn't care. I didn't want to look at the fucking machines anymore. He was breathing, and I didn't want to take my eyes off him.

"Bella?" Carlisle asked softly, concerned.

"I'm okay," I replied on my breath, nodding my head as if that would prove my point. "Oh Edward, what did he do to you?" I whimpered, taking a step forward. It was rhetorical. I knew what that asshole did to him, obviously. It seemed my thoughts were simply falling out of my mouth without my control.

"Remember what I said, Bella," Carlisle murmured. They'll be taking the intubation tube out very soon, most likely in the morning. He can breathe on his own, we're just helping him out tonight because of the pneumothorax." When I looked at him questioningly, he smiled. "Sorry, the collapsed lung."

_Oh._ I nodded. I couldn't bear to think of all his injuries. It made me want to scream.

"He's getting saline to keep him hydrated, strong antibiotics to prevent infection, and some pretty powerful pain meds. He's not in any pain right now," he tried to reassure me, "but he will be tomorrow." He cleared his throat and squeezed my elbow lightly. "They'll be coming in periodically to take blood...test fluids. That's normal and they use a clean line for that." He removed his hand from my elbow and pointed. "So that they don't have to continue to stick him. That can get...daunting."

I nodded. I felt numb.

"On his left side, he has a suction tube...to keep the fluid from compressing his lung, and he has some drains for excess fluid at the incision sites," he continued quietly. "And of course, he has a catheter, which he'll have to have for a few days. I'm sure you probably know what that is." He chuckled a little. When I didn't answer him, he squeezed my shoulder gently. "Bella, I know all this is...scary, but he's going to be okay. He's in good hands."

I looked up at Carlisle and tried out a weak smile. "He's lucky to have you." My voice quivered.

He sighed, staring at his son for a moment. "I'm lucky to have him."

"So am I," I whispered.

"Stay as long as you like, sweetheart," he murmured. "But, Bella, he won't be conscious tonight. He'll be sedated until at least tomorrow morning. It's important to help him heal."

"Okay," I choked out. When he nodded and walked away quietly, leaving me alone with Edward, I stood frozen for a moment. I didn't know what to do. My chest ached with so much conflicted emotion I thought I might burst. I wanted to hold him...so damned bad, but I was terrified that if I touched him, I would break him. Finally I pushed myself forward and stood next to his bed, gazing down at him, tears flooding my eyes again. I leaned down and kissed him on the forehead. His skin felt clammy against my lips, but I was just so thankful to still have him, like I told Carlisle. Before I sat down, I kissed the corner of his mouth, opposite of that awful tube, and nuzzled his stubbled cheek with my nose, reveling in the scratchy feel of it...reveling in him.

"I'm so sorry this happened to you, baby," I whispered around the enormous lump in my throat. "I'll never be able to make you understand how sorry I am, but I'm so thankful you decided to stay. Because I know you did." I leaned in, resting my forehead on his arm as I cried quietly at his side.

"Everyone is so relieved. You have so many people who love you, Edward." I took a moment to glance around the room, realizing just how true that statement was. I hadn't even noticed the bouquets of flowers, the teddy bears and balloons that were already adorning his room. It was obvious how much he was loved by his coworkers in this hospital. It warmed my heart and saddened me at the same time. All I had to offer was myself, and I felt inadequate.

"Emmett and Nicci are here...Jasper and Alice...even Charlie is here," I tried to giggle a little, but it came out wrong. "Your mom will be here soon, baby, and Kellan is okay. Rosalie went to get him. You should've heard Emmett yell at her...you would've loved it." I smiled sadly, staring at his long lashes fanned over his cheeks. "I know..." my voice wavered, so I began to whisper as the tears spilled over again. "I know you were trying to say goodbye to me. And I'm just glad you were wrong. I was so scared that you were gonna be right, that I was gonna have to live my life without you...and I just couldn't do that, Edward." I wiped my wet eyes with my sleeve, not wanting to leave his side even to get a tissue, and blew out an exhausted breath. "You're my shelter, my home. You're everything to me, Edward." I slipped my hand under his and held it. "Can you hear me? You're my heart, and I love you so much."

~fOrSaKeN*~

I wasn't sure how long I sat there, holding his hand and whispering to him, listening to the beeps and whirring of the machine as the sounds bounced around my brain like an annoying pinball. I was surprised but grateful that people weren't streaming in and out of the room. Carlisle was correct though, nurses – both female and male – came in often, probably less often than it seemed, actually...checking his vitals, collecting blood for what I could only assume were lab tests, adjusting and replacing his IV bags. Seeing them became mundane to me after a while. They didn't really talk to me; they just nodded and smiled or ignored me all together, and I felt...alone. I wanted Edward to wake up and tell me to stop worrying, stop hovering and go be a mother to my children, but I knew he wouldn't. Not tonight, anyway.

At some point, Jasper and Alice came into the room, followed shortly after by Emmett and Nicci. Jasper gave me a hug and kissed my cheek before Alice wrapped her thin arms around me. She told me they were going to go wait for Emmett and Nicci and then head out to get some dinner and rest for the night. She asked if I wanted to join them, but I just eyed her incredulously. She smiled sadly, nodding knowingly before taking Jasper's hand, telling me she'd talk to me later, and walking away.

I stayed out in the hallway to give Emmett some privacy with Edward. Nicci came out before he did, her eyes filled with tears. She surprised me by taking my hand in hers and squeezing lightly.

"I'll take care of the New Year column, Bella. I'll call Kate first thing Monday morning, okay? We can worry about the, you know, serious one later." She offered me a sad smile. I squeezed her hand back. She really was a good friend, and a great girl. She was the best thing for Emmett right now.

Emmett came out of the room with a grim look. He scrubbed his face, wiping his eyes discreetly, and pulled me up into a bone-crushing hug. "He's okay," he whispered. It seemed he was trying to reassure himself more than me. I nodded. Emmett set me back on my feet, looking into my eyes, his bleary but hopeful. "When he wakes up, tell him I said this isn't a good look for him." He tried out a smirk that looked too forced.

I smiled at the quintessential tough guy in front of me. "You should come back tomorrow...tell him yourself," I offered softly.

He chuckled humorlessly. "I will...sometime. I just, I don't like to see him like that, Belly-Bells, ya know?"

I did, so much. I reached up, cupping Emmett's cheek, watching his brow furrow and a look of agony cross his normally jovial face.

"I love you, Em, and so does he. Thank you...for everything."

I felt his jaw clench beneath my palm. His eyes darted away from mine and he sniffed quickly through his nose. He leaned down, kissing me chastely on top of my head.

"I love you too, Bells. I'll see you tomorrow."

Charlie came in a few minutes later. He stared at Edward with his hands in his pockets looking painfully uncomfortable. I tried to explain to him as best I could what Carlisle had told me, and he just grunted in response, nodding occasionally. Finally, he looked over at me, taking in a slow breath.

"Police are going to want a statement from him when he's...awake. From you too."

My stomach dropped. I didn't want to think about that now. Didn't want to relive what I saw. What Edward went through? What Jacob did to him? But I nodded anyway, gritting my teeth.

"I told them to leave you alone tonight."

"Thank you, Dad," I muttered quietly. He nodded in response. "I'm glad you were there. I...don't know what would've happened if..." I trailed off.

"I didn't do much," he said.

_"I_ think you did. You were great."

His face reddened slightly and he grunted again, nodding once before giving me a quick hug and a pat on the back. "I think...I was wrong about him." His eyes cut to Edward briefly then back to mine. My mouth fell open in shock. Charlie muttered that I should go home soon, get some rest, but I was sure he knew I'd ignore that advice.

When he walked out, I resumed my position next to Edward, holding his hand again and just...watched him breathe. My eyes were getting heavy, but I was afraid of what nightmares awaited me if sleep came, so I did my best to keep myself awake. I started talking to him again softly. I talked about our future together...how much I wanted to marry him, be his wife, how much I'd always wanted that. I apologized again, even though I knew he hated it when I did that, telling him how sorry I was about the mistakes I'd made years ago...and about today. I leaned in again, kissing his closed eyelids, and whispered in his ear how much he meant to me.

One of the machines attached to him began to beep in alarm and I was filled with panic. A nurse strolled in seconds later, nonchalantly checking the machine. I kept my eyes trained on her. She was pretty, her golden blonde hair pulled back into a tight ponytail. Her name tag said Tracie and in the picture, she was smiling radiantly. I wished I could smile like that. She pressed a button, which immediately stopped the alarm, and looked over at me smiling.

"What's happening?" I asked breathily.

"His heart rate increased a little. It's no big deal; it happens." She shrugged. I breathed an audible sigh of relief. She went to leave, but turned abruptly back to me. "You know," she began, cocking her head to the side. "Sometimes, even when they're sedated like that, they can still hear you talking to them." She winked at me and grinned before disappearing from the room.

I turned back to Edward and smiled, lifting his hand to my cheek and then kissing his knuckles one by one.

"Maybe you _can_ hear me. I hope so."

Movement out of my peripheral caught my attention, so I turned my head toward the door. I didn't see anyone standing there, but I noticed a shadow, as if someone was standing just outside the door.

"Hello?" I called as quietly as I could, but no one answered. As I pushed my chair back and went to get up, the shadow moved away. I hurried to the door, peering out of it, only to see the quickly retreating form of a nurse down the hall. It wasn't the same one I'd seen minutes earlier; this one had red hair.

"Excuse me," I called out. She didn't turn around and, although her hair color was off-putting, I tried not to be so damned prejudiced. "Was there something you needed?" She still didn't turn around or answer me, instead continued to hurry off, disappearing around the corner as I stood there, puzzled.

I heard Carlisle's voice from the opposite direction and startled, turning quickly – my hand on my chest – to see him approaching me with a concerned expression.

"Everything okay?" he asked, looking from me, down the hall, to Edward's room and back to me.

"Yeah," I murmured, laughing a little at myself. "Other than the fact that I'm losing my mind."

Carlisle smiled warmly, guiding me back into the room. "That's doubtful, but I understand how you might feel that way. This has to be so difficult for you."

"It's difficult for everyone who loves him," I replied, glancing at Carlisle, who was staring at his son, his mouth in a straight line. I sat down again, surprised when Carlisle pulled up a chair next to me and sat down.

"I've just come from talking to Kendyll," he said softly, chuckling a little. "She's so worried about him." My head snapped to the side, my eyes widening as my heart shattered again. I hadn't even thought of that poor little girl while I'd been in here with Edward. It hadn't even crossed my mind of what she must've been going through, being so sick and knowing he was in here.

"Did you tell her what happened?" I asked, my voice quaking.

He shook his head slightly. "Just that he was severely injured and I wasn't sure when she'd be able to see him," he answered sadly.

I automatically felt the incredible force of my guilt sweep over me. "I'm so sorry," I whimpered, shaking my head.

"Bella, please," he chided gently. "You're only guilty of loving my son, and I can't hold that against you." He smiled. I tried to smile back, but trying was useless.

"I was thinking about coming here to meet her finally," I murmured, my gaze fixed on Edward's closed eyelids. "Tomorrow, a-after the party, I was going to see if it was okay with Edward...and come with him." I hadn't thought that I could possibly cry anymore, but the tears came anyway. "I feel so,_ so_ bad for her...losing her parents and she's so sick," I shook my head. It ached from all the tears I'd shed. "And now this."

Carlisle patted my back. "Bella, she's not going to lose him, and neither are you."

"I know how sick she is; Edward told me," I sniffled. "If he loses her..." I couldn't bear to think it.

"He's not going to lose her," Carlisle stated adamantly.

"Is it leukemia?" I asked, silently begging him not to answer. He did anyway, but his answer surprised me.

"We're still not sure. She hasn't been strong enough to endure all the testing that entails. But..." he glanced at me, looking away quickly. "It's a strong possibility."

"It's just not fair...none of this is. She's been through so much, and now Edward..." I sniffled.

"No it isn't, but Bella, I'm confident that whatever it may be, she'll get through it. She's a very strong little girl. She reminds me of my wife, and my son...and of you, Bella."

I looked at him incredulously. "I don't feel strong right now."

"Well you are." He smiled. "You know what? You can still meet Kendyll. Would you like to tonight? Esme is with her right now, but she should be here any second, and I'm sure she'll want a little time with her son alone. I could take you to see Kendyll."

"Esme's here?" I asked, my stomach feeling sick again. She had always been very sweet to me, but I knew that any mother – including myself – could be vicious when someone hurt their child.

"Yes," he answered.

I blew out an exasperated breath. "I'm sure she hates me."

"What?" he asked incredulously. He took my hand gently in his and sighed. "Bella, do you want to know what the first thing Esme asked me after I told her Edward made it through surgery?"

I looked at him, perplexed.

"She asked me if you were okay."

I gasped. "She did?"

He nodded. "She knows how much you love Edward, and she knows what you've been through. And for that, she loves you too."

"The way I am with Kendyll," I whispered.

"Yes."

I heard footsteps approaching, and looked up in time to see Esme coming through the doorway. She stopped, her hands flying to her mouth as a strangled sob erupted from her.

"Oh my God!" she muttered brokenly.

I rose slowly and walked toward her with trepidation, still afraid she would lash out at me. When I got to her, I was shocked beyond words when she pulled me into a fierce hug.

"Esme, I'm so sorry," I cried. It seemed I couldn't stop apologizing no matter how many times I heard that it wasn't my fault.

"Oh, sweet Bella," she shushed me. "He looks..." she trailed off shaking her head. "How are you holding up?"

Stunned, I nodded my head. "I'm...I'm okay. I've been better, though."

She cupped my cheek, her kind eyes filled with tears. "He loves you so much, Bella."

I could hardly speak. I was so overwhelmed; I merely nodded, whispering back. "He's everything to me."

Carlisle cleared his throat and Esme walked over to him, hugging him before leaning down to her son, kissing his forehead and taking his hand.

"We were going to give you some time alone with him," Carlisle said, wrapping his arm around her. "I'd like to take Bella to see Kendyll. Do you think she's up for it?"

Esme looked over at me sadly and smiled before looking up at Carlisle. "She was asleep when I left her...but I don't want her to be alone if she wakes up. So that would be great." She nodded.

There was something about the way Carlisle consulted with his wife, not outwardly asking permission but silently, that struck me as incredible. And the way he looked at her...so endearing. I could tell they had the kind of love between them that didn't come around but once in a lifetime. The kind of love that...

I looked down at Edward.

The kind of love I had for him.

"Are you ready, Bella?" Carlisle appeared before me, smiling. I walked over to the man I loved and kissed him on his forehead and nose before turning back to his father and nodding.

~*fOrSaKeN*~

I felt a little bit more relaxed when we entered the pediatric unit. The personnel we passed smiled brightly at Carlisle and looked at me curiously, but they all seemed friendly and upbeat. I figured they had to be to keep the poor, sick kids in good spirits.

As we passed room after room, my stomach began to tie in knots. What if she didn't like me? What if she was angry with me for what happened to Edward? But Carlisle said he hadn't told her everything. Then again, what if she _did_ like me and found out later that I almost got him killed? _God_, I knew she would surely hate me then. I was suddenly feeling anxiousness to the point of nausea...again.

"I'm not sure how long she'll stay asleep," Carlisle said absent-mindedly as we walked. "She was in Pediatric ICU, they just moved her to a regular room this evening since she's improved. She's not had much time to adjust."

I wondered, briefly, how long she would be doing well. It made my heart ache.

"Here we are," Carlisle announced, pointing toward one of the rooms. My pulse quickened as I started to follow him in, but the room itself seemed to put me at ease a little. It was painted in soft pastels...pale yellow walls with light blue trim...like a sunny, spring day. I stayed somewhat frozen in the doorway as Carlisle entered before me. He turned, seeing my worried expression and waved his hand for me to enter.

"Come on in," he whispered with that warm smile. "She's still sleeping, but you can take a peek."

I smiled back nervously, nodding as I stepped fully into the room. The light was dim, only a long rectangular fixture above the bed emitting a soft glow on the sleeping child below. It was hard to see her from where I was standing, but I could already tell she was beautiful. I could see her light auburn waves glowing like a halo. She looked like an angel.

"Come on over, she won't bite," Carlisle chuckled.

I took a few steps and, as soon as her little face was clear to me...I gasped.

_It wasn't possible. _

The shape of her eyes...her nose, even with the slight curl at the tip...her plump little lips...the way her eyebrows curved perfectly. Even the bone structure of her face was...

_She looked just like him_.

And I had the strangest feeling that if she opened her eyes, they would be the same, incredible emerald green as his.

_How could that be? _

I tried to back up, tried to distance myself in order to straighten my head out, but I tripped...whether it was a dip in the floor, a loose tile, or my own feet. Unable to catch myself in time, I tumbled to the floor.

"Bella!" Carlisle rushed to me in alarm. "Are you alright?"

I nodded, unable to speak, trying to breathe slowly, but on the verge of hyperventilating.

"She's...she's beautiful," I mumbled, feeling like I had completely lost my mind.

Carlisle chuckled. "Well I didn't expect her to knock you off your feet, but yes, she is a stunning child."

I tried to get up, but he stopped me, pulling a pen light out of his lab coat to check my eyes.

"I'm really okay," I lied. I was definitely not okay...I was absolutely losing touch with reality, imagining this child looked identical to Edward.

"Doctor Carlisle?" A sweet voice called from the bed. I startled a little upon hearing it. Even groggy from sleep, she sounded as beautiful as she looked. "Who's that?"

"Kendyll, sweetheart, this is Bella." Carlisle's voice was so gentle with her.

I stood up gingerly, so as not to fall back on my ass again, and stared at the floor for a moment. I was terrified to look at her again. Afraid I would see his eyes staring back at me.

"Doctor Edward's Bella?"

It was beyond adorable that she called him 'Doctor' Edward.

"Yes," Carlisle answered her.

Her giggles of delight had my head snapping up...and then I saw them...her eyes. Bright and incredible...and...not as green as I expected, but a mixture of blue and green. A brilliant aqua.

My heart stopped. My breath caught in my throat, and my head was swimming with the possibility that...

_Could it be?_ Surely not.

"H…Hi," I managed, stuttering like a fool.

"Hi, come here," she giggled again. I took a few steps toward her and she looked up at me curiously. "You're so pretty," she said smiling.

"You...you're beautiful, Kendyll," I replied, awestruck and trying to control my voice. "You're even more beautiful than Edward described." She blushed when I said that, hiding her face in her hands bashfully. "Stunning," I whispered, barely audible even to me.

"Doctor Edward talks about you all the time." Her smile fell and the sadness in those amazing eyes fractured me. "I'm worried about him."

I sat down on the side of her bed, suddenly wanting to get closer. "I'm worried too." I reached my hand out to her, my eyes filling with tears that I silently begged not to fall. And when she took it, my breath caught in my throat once again. I looked down at it. She had long fingers; they were more feminine, delicate, but the shape of them...they looked just like Edw—

I had to stop this! He was not her father...she was not my daughter, our daughter. It just wasn't possible, was it? _God,_ I really was losing my mind. I cleared my throat and tried to focus my thoughts.

"But he's going to be okay," I said on a long sigh. "He...he talks about you all the time too, ya know."

Her smile was back, a half smile that reminded me so much of...

_Stop it, Bella!_

"What happened to him?" Her little face turned morose again. "Were you with him when he got hurt?"

My heart thundered in my chest. I felt like I should be honest and tell her yes, I was, and that it was my fault, but I didn't want to hurt her...and I didn't want her to hate me. Not yet.

"Um, m-maybe we could talk about that another time...when you're both feeling better." I cut my eyes to Carlisle, who nodded back encouragingly. "Let's talk about you. How old are you?"

She giggled, shaking her head. "Didn't Doctor Edward tell you?"

I laughed a little. "Yes, but I have a terrible memory."

"I'm ten, but I'm gonna be eleven soon!" she exclaimed, as if eleven was so much better than ten.

My heart began to pound again. "Really? When is your birthday?"

"It's in March—"

_March?_ The pounding in my chest increased. Her birthday was in _March_. The same month that I...

"Um," I started before she said the day. I just wasn't ready to hear that. "Where are you from? Are...are you from Chicago?"

Her eyes flashed with pain briefly and I immediately felt regretful that I made her undoubtedly think of her parents. _Her adoptive parents, _my inner voice reminded me.

"I'm from Florida...I live, um..." she stopped herself for a moment. She looked so sad I wanted to pull her into my arms. "I used to live in Jacksonville...with my mommy and daddy," she whispered the last part.

"I'm so sorry about your mom and dad," I started, but then I gasped as what she said finally registered in my lazy brain.

"J-Jacksonville? Did you say Jacksonville?"

"Yeah," she answered. "It's really sunny there, and warm. Have you ever been to Florida?"

"Yes, I-I actually lived there...once. Um," I stood up quickly. My heart, at this point, was desperately trying to beat itself out of my chest. "I-I think I need to go now." I stuttered, my eyes darting from Kendyll to Carlisle.

"Bella?" Carlisle reached for me, concern evident in his eyes, but I backed away. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, I just...I-I think I better check on the twins and-and I might grab some coffee before I get back to Edward. Kendyll, it was so nice to meet you. I…hope I see you again real soon," I rambled, trying my best to smile without showing how much I was freaking the hell out.

"Okay!" She smiled brightly. "Can I meet your twins?"

"Um, s-sure, absolutely." I nodded before turning and bolting out of the room.

"Bella?" Carlisle caught my arm in the hallway and I turned to face him. My breath was coming in quick spurts and I felt dizzy. "Are you alright? What's going on?"

"I'm sorry," I muttered. "I just don't feel well all of a sudden. I think I just need some coffee."

His fingers pressed into my wrist. "Your pulse is racing. You don't need caffeine right now. Let's get you some water and let you rest for a moment, okay?"

I agreed reluctantly, following behind him as I chanted in my head repeatedly...

_It's just a coincidence. It has to be a coincidence._

~*fOrSaKeN*~

It was getting late. At some point, I knew I had to leave, though it took everything in me to do so. I spent a good several minutes telling Edward how much I loved him and wanted to see his eyes again, wanted him to wake up and talk to me, before I forced myself to walk out that door. Carlisle was so sweet, offering to drive me since I'd ridden in the ambulance. Even Charlie called to see if I wanted him to pick me up. But I opted for a lonely cab ride. I needed to be alone with my thoughts anyway.

Sleep was something I needed desperately, but didn't necessarily want. I knew what awaited me, and it certainly didn't disappoint. I was up and down all godforsaken night. I slept for a brief period, only to be awakened by the sound of a gunshot in my head after having witnessed Edward fall to the ground...repeatedly. And the blood..._God,_ it was everywhere, covered everything in my dream. The other fun-filled subject of my screwed up imagination had me dreaming that Kendyll was my daughter...my mind pictured her beautiful, smiling face calling me mom. The three of us – Edward, myself, and Kendyll – were laughing, playing together in a park I didn't recognize, but suddenly the dream changed, the surroundings morphed into a cold, sterile hospital room where I watched helplessly and in horror as Edward screamed over her lifeless body on the bed...the monitor above it moaning one long, melancholy beep.

I could've done without those nightmares, all of them; the reality of the ones I was living was bad enough, but it was obvious that my subconscious wasn't satisfied with that. It never seemed to be. The only good thing about the hell that my mind conjured up, if there was such a thing, was that James didn't make an appearance.

I awoke the next morning in the foulest of moods to say the least. I was angry about what happened, angry that Jacob had – in his selfishness – cheated everyone out of truly being able to enjoy the twins' birthday party, had cheated me out of spending time with Edward, had essentially traumatized everyone who witnessed the horrific events that unfolded, and ultimately had cheated his own kids out of a father for who-fucking-knew how long. All because he was a sick, possessive bastard. Just thinking about him made my blood boil. I couldn't care less about never seeing him again, but I had children to worry about. The children who obviously never even crossed his selfish mind while he was pointing a gun at Edward, hell bent on murdering him in my driveway!

How was I possibly going to explain this to them...when they asked why their dad left without saying goodbye...when they asked about Edward? Anger didn't even begin to cover what I felt when I thought about that.

I hated him for it.

There was only one thing available that could cure the throbbing in my head from lack of sleep..._coffee._ Delicious, black nectar of the gods...with a little bit of sugar. When I pulled myself together enough to go downstairs and pour myself a cup of said nectar, the sight of my children huddled over bowls of cereal made my heart ache all over again and the pounding in my head worse. I felt like the worst mother on the planet – next to Rosalie, of course. I couldn't even get up and make my kids breakfast?

Maybe Rosalie was right. Maybe I was worse.

Renee was great, though. After I walked over to my babies, gave them each a squeeze and a kiss atop their little heads and poured my coffee, she pulled me off to the side. There was something about being wrapped in your mother's arms that, at any age, made the hurt go away—however temporary it may have been. I tried my best not to collapse into her, lose myself in the fit of sobs that was just bubbling beneath the surface, when she told me everything thing was going to be okay. She said she asked the kids, when they woke at the crack of dawn, not to bother me. So that was the reason for the cereal. At least she hadn't tried to cook again. I knew she probably thought about it, but I was grateful she opted out. Didn't think my rumbling stomach could've taken any more burnt pancakes.

The kids were unusually quiet most of the morning, and for that I was grateful as well. Renee sat with them, enduring ridiculous Sunday morning cartoon after cartoon, while I fielded the thousand phone calls I knew were coming. I talked to my sister first, who comforted me and offered support, but the rest of the conversations mostly went the same way.

I apologized so many times to so many people, I lost count. I felt like I couldn't apologize enough, but I realized something in those moments when I found myself blubbering and breaking down over and over...I had an amazing group of friends. Angela was my rock as usual. Offering anything I needed to get me through this as I wept about all that had happened. I loved her...so much.

Nicci was sweet. She told me she was keeping busy by working on the New Year column while keeping an eye on Emmett. Apparently, he broke down when they had gotten back to his place after dinner, had drowned his worry in Patron, and hadn't slept at all. He finally fell asleep when the sun came up and she wasn't sure if she was going to be able to get him back to the hospital today. I cried for Emmett when I got off the phone with her.

The call with Tanya was the hardest of all. She, on the contrary to my apologies, couldn't stop apologizing to me for everything I was going through. She said she talked to Carlisle, and felt terrible for not going to the hospital, but she didn't want to be in the way. Carlisle had told her all of Edward's injuries, and she was beside herself with worry. On top of that, Carlisle had also told her how Kendyll's condition was more serious than they initially thought and how cancer was a possibility. She was a mess. A couple times, she had to put Garrett on the phone with me so that she could go compose herself. I found myself just wanting to comfort her.

I was horrified to find that I had voicemails from two different news organizations just while I was talking to my friends. It disturbed me to my core that: A, they had my phone number, and B, that this was news, though it shouldn't have surprised me all that much. The CEO of a major manufacturing company in Chicago guns down a prominent doctor in some twisted fucking love triangle. Yeah, that was newsworthy. I didn't call either of them back; I wasn't ready for that. I could only pray they weren't calling Edward's parents or the hospital, but deep down I knew better.

I was almost equally as shocked when I received a call from Kate. She was sympathetic, worried about me, she said—about everyone involved.

"I'm okay, Kate," I lied. "I just have to take it one day at a time."

"Well, you take all the time you need," she replied, surprising me further. "I'm sure Nicci can handle the brainless stuff." She chuckled to herself. I didn't laugh with her. Jokes at Nicci's expense just weren't funny anymore.

"Okay, thank you," I sighed. I was grateful, but it made me nervous. I didn't necessarily want Nicci taking my job. "There's one more thing," I said tentatively. "Um, I guess this is big news. I had a couple voicemails from news stations. It's freaking me out, Kate. I don't think I can handle this being splashed all over the TV and papers!"

"Okay first of all, calm down," she retorted. "You do realize who you're talking to, right?" When I didn't answer, she laughed…that wicked, mischievous laugh that uniquely belonged to Kate. "Sweetheart, I have friends in very high places in all news outlets. I can make this go away with a flick of my wrist."

"You'd do that for me?" I asked, stunned that she even offered.

"Well," she paused. "The reporter in me knows that this unfortunate situation is a story, so that part of me would love to publish it in a heartbeat. But even I, the _stone-cold, ice queen bitch_, or whatever it is people are calling me these days, know the difference between right and wrong."

I breathed a sigh of relief. She had me sweating for a moment.

"Besides...we can always revisit it later on, when everything is okay. Never know, it could be a 'what I've been through,' Barbara Walters-type column. You know people would eat it up."

There it was...the catch. I figured she'd eventually want to run the story herself, but I ignored that part. I focused on the good part...the part that made me appreciate having her as my boss. And I was overcome with relief.

"Thank…thank you so much, Kate. You don't understand how much this means to me...to my family," I blubbered.

"Trust me, Bella, I most certainly do."

That relief was short-lived when, after I hung up the phone, I looked in on my children with Renee. I had to talk to the twins about this. I knew that. It made my insides twist to think about it, though, so I decided to wait until after I saw Edward again.

With a deep breath and a heavy heart, I announced that I was heading back to the hospital. I fought back tears when Krissy whined that she wanted to see _Edwarrrrrd,_ hugged and kissed them both, and left.

~*fOrSaKeN*~

The next two days were hardly better than the first. Edward was alive, and for that I was more grateful than I'd ever been in my life. I spent countless hours silently thanking God and whoever else was involved in keeping him alive as I sat with him. But he wasn't necessarily conscious. Two days felt like two years as I stared at his face, begging him in my head to open his eyes and look at me. The one good thing I noticed when I'd gone back to see him the first time was that his breathing tube had been removed. That could only have meant things were getting better...right? I was so happy the tube was gone that I kissed his lips every chance I got.

But he didn't kiss me back.

Three days after Jacob Black shattered my world – and my faith in humanity – I received an amazing gift. I got to see Edward's beautiful green eyes again. He opened them once. I was so elated that I burst into tears, saying his name over and over again. He looked at me...and he smiled. It made my heart flutter and my knees go weak. I wanted so badly to hold him, to tell him how his smile lit up my entire world, but I didn't get a chance. Soon after that smile, he groaned in agony, and the nurse put him back to sleep again. I wanted to scream and cry, but I held it in. It wasn't going to help anything.

I couldn't watch them dress his wounds. They wouldn't let me stay anyway, but I didn't want to see it. I didn't want to see what Jacob had done to him. It was too much to think about without my head exploding, besides the fact that all his drains and bandages scared the shit out of me. So I had taken to visiting Kendyll while they poked and prodded the man I loved. I found myself visiting her when other people came to see Edward as well, to give them some privacy with him. I stayed long enough to hear Emmett tell Edward that if he didn't 'wake the fuck up,' he was going to have to kick his ass...and it broke my heart. I was happier during the times I visited Kendyll...the times I had to tear myself away from Edward. She pulled me in to her, she just seemed to have that ability, and I understood why Edward loved her so much. There was an instant connection. I was afraid she was going to think I was a crazy stalker, though, the way I couldn't stop staring at her. I kept thinking maybe it was a fluke, the first night I met her, how much she looked like him. But it seemed my brain was determined to continue this ridiculous game of chance with my heart. So I decided just to give in to the fantasy. I was tired of fighting it, and I was utterly confused by my own feelings.

Tanya accompanied me to visit Kendyll on one of those days; I'd lost track of time at that point. The poor little thing was nervous and upset because she said she had to go and get more tests run. I found myself comforting her and wanting to pull her into my arms.

"You're really good with her," Tanya offered as we walked back to Edward's room.

"She's...incredible," I replied truthfully. I glanced over at Tanya, wondering if I should ask what was dangling at the tip of my tongue, but it seemed my mouth made that decision before I could process it. "Have you noticed anything, I dunno, strange about her?"

She glanced over at me questioningly. I was just about to tell her never mind, when she answered. "You mean how she resembles Edward? I thought I was the only one," she mused, mainly to herself.

_Resembles?_ That wasn't the word rolling around in my head.

"Yes," I breathed. "Bizarre, right?" I was waiting for her to mirror my thoughts in the matter, but she merely shrugged. I was confused.

"I've heard of it happening...when a child is being adopted, sometimes – of course race and ethnicity play a part – they can start to resemble their adoptive parents. It's all perception, I suppose."

I nodded, unsure of how I felt about that theory. Apparently, I _was_ insane.

The fact that Edward hadn't woken up right away was taking a toll on me. Carlisle noticed. He tried to reassure me that this was normal for the injuries Edward sustained, that he was just in too much pain to be fully conscious right now, that I shouldn't worry so much because his vitals were looking better every hour of every day.

But I couldn't help it! I wanted him awake. I wanted my Edward back...now! It made me irrationally angry for Carlisle to tell me not to worry, but I didn't lash out at him. I didn't lash out at anyone aside from Alice that first day...and I already apologized to her more than I cared to admit. I just kept my feelings to myself, letting them eat me alive from the inside out.

Besides, Carlisle perplexed me. There was something strange about his behavior after a couple days. I hardly saw him come into Edward's room while I was there. I couldn't put my finger on it, but it seemed he was avoiding me...us. Strange, but yet another sign that my mind was not quite right. I was beginning to become afraid of my own thoughts; my own dreams turned to nightmares. I found myself afraid of simply going to the market to get groceries...worried that people would know, would whisper and stare at me. I knew how the rumor-mill worked. Even when people didn't know you...even when the information was inaccurate. Only this time, the information was accurate...I was the whore who got Doctor Edward Cullen shot.

But those strangers didn't know what Jake had done to me. They didn't know him at all! They didn't know what he put us through, and they didn't know me.

I chided myself again for worrying about what the world thought. Whether they believed I was to blame was a moot point. The fact was that I did... nearly get him killed...no matter how much I could never have imagined it happening...no matter how much I didn't want it to happen, it did The only opinion that mattered to me was Edward's. I just, I needed him to wake up and give it to me.

I squeezed his hand a little as I sat looking around the room. It resembled a flower shop now. Literally, there was no more room for a single bouquet, balloon or card. I'd lost track of mine...just a simple card that said 'I Love You' somewhere amidst the sea of them. Esme finally started taking them home with her to make more room, and it had only been two days. I spotted one nearby. It was handmade and said 'Dad' on the front. I burst into tears at the sight of that card. Thinking of Kellan split my heart wide open. I hadn't seen him since that day, just before the world came crashing down, and I wondered how he was doing. And then, of course, I thought of my own children. They'd been so good lately, on their best behavior, almost as if they knew their mommy was about to crack. Every time I looked at them I saw the questions in their eyes, and in that moment – crying over Kellan's card – I decided it was time to talk to them.

_Tomorrow,_ I chanted in my head. I would tell them tomorrow.

Edward groaned quietly and my head snapped to his face. His eyes were still closed. He still wasn't here with me. He groaned again and I brought his hand to my lips, kissing his fingers softly.

"Bella," he mumbled groggily. My breath caught in my throat. It was the first time I'd heard him talk since... And he said my name. I was beside myself, so overcome with emotion that I almost couldn't respond. I knew he was probably talking unconsciously, but I didn't care. He was talking. I squeezed his hand again.

"E-Edward? Baby, I'm here," I choked out the words. "Edward?"

His eyelids fluttered and slowly opened. They had a hazy look to them but there they were again...his incredible emerald eyes. They scanned the room before finally landing on mine, and I smiled.

"H-Hey," he whispered, his tongue darting out to wet his dry lips.

"Hi," I replied excitedly, laughing through my tears.

"Miss...you," he murmured, his eyelids closing and then opening again slowly.

"Oh Edward, I've missed you too." My tears were coming relentlessly again, only this time, they were happy ones.

"Don't...cry." His words were garbled, but they made my heart burst the same as If he'd been wide awake.

"I'm sorry." I kissed his palm, placing his hand on my cheek, sighing and reveling in the feel of his thumb brushing over my cheekbone. God, it was the best feeling in the world. "I'm just so happy to have you back."

"Mmm...I love you," he said softly, his amazing mouth curling slightly into a weak smile.

"I love you too, baby, so much...so much," I repeated, leaning in to kiss him gently. He kissed me back as best he could under the sedation, and I finally...after spending countless hours in purgatory, I was in heaven. "Are you okay? Should I get the nurse? Do you need some water?" I started to get up but he grabbed my hand, stopping me.

"Mm-mm," he hummed shaking his head, but then groaning painfully. I still felt helpless; that hadn't changed. "Just...tired," he mumbled, his eyes closing again. My heart sank. I wanted to tell him he couldn't sleep anymore, that I needed him to talk to me, but that was selfish and I knew it.

"Are you in pain?" I caressed his tangled hair, drawing my fingers lightly over his eyebrow and down to the stubble on his jaw. I didn't want to stop touching him now that he was somewhat awake, didn't want to leave him, but I knew I'd have to soon.

He nodded once. "Little bit."

I pressed the call button and within seconds, the same nurse I'd seen before – Tracie, if I recalled correctly – came in the room.

"He's awake but in a lot of pain," I informed her sadly.

Her eyebrows raised; her head snapped in his direction. "Doctor Cullen? Can you hear me?"

"Mmm." It was the only answer she seemed to need because she smiled.

"Okay then, let's get you some more pain meds."

She checked his machines, then his chart before pushing a syringe into one of his IV ports. As she turned to leave the room, she placed her hand lightly on my shoulder.

"I'll talk to the doctors. Tomorrow will be a better day," she offered with a warm smile.

I wanted to believe her. I managed a small smile at the broken man in front of me and leaned down to kiss is soft lips. He didn't kiss me back though; the drugs had already taken effect, so I was left wondering if, and hoping that tomorrow really would be better.

~*fOrSaKeN*~

"Come sit down. Mommy needs to talk to you." I took a deep, cleansing breath as the twins and I took our seats on the sofa. I decided, finally, it was time. I had avoided the subject long enough, and my babies deserved to know what was going on in a way their little minds could process it—even though I had no idea how to do that. I purposely sat between them, holding each of their hands. I hadn't decided yet, in my mind, whether it was cowardice on my part so that I didn't have to look into their eyes when I told them, or if I just felt like I needed to be as close to them as possible. Maybe a little of both.

"Grammy told you about Edward, how he got hurt, right?" I looked at each of them as they nodded.

"And he had to go to the hopspital," Krissy added, her voice softer than usual.

I smiled sadly at her mispronunciation, not even bothering to correct her.

"Yes."

Robby was quiet, clasping my hand as I continued. "And I want to talk to you about your daddy." I tried to keep my voice steady and even, but it shook a little with my effort.

"Where is Daddy?" Krissy asked. "And he didn't even say bye when he left our birthday." I looked down to see her pouting a little. My heart shattered yet again.

"Daddy did something..." I took a deep breath and blew it out slowly. "Very bad." I saw Robby's head snap up toward me. "He...he hurt Edward."

"He did?" Krissy's big brown eyes grew wide. "Did he make Edward have to go to the hopspital?"

I looked down at her and nodded. She furrowed her little brow as I shifted my gaze to Robby. There was a storm brewing in his eyes. I could see it. He was taking in my every word and trying to make sense of it, when even I couldn't, but he still didn't utter a word. Krissy, however, continued to riddle me with questions.

"Did Grandpa have to take Daddy to the bad place? Is my daddy a bad man?" Her bottom lip began to quiver and my stomach dropped to my knees. We talked about Charlie's job before, and how he took the bad guys to jail. It never occurred to me that someday, we would be discussing Jake as one of those bad guys. Did I want her to think her father was bad? Not necessarily. Did I think he was bad? Sometimes. But I wasn't sure what to say to make her understand any of it.

_"No,"_ Robby finally spoke adamantly. "Dad's not a bad guy! And he wouldn't do what you said!"

"Robby," I tried to soothe him, but when I saw the tears well up and spill over onto his little cheeks, I could barely continue. So I decided to go with the only thing I could that would lessen the devastation Jacob caused. "You're right, you're dad's not a bad guy. But...but sometimes people that aren't bad," I couldn't really bring myself to say Jacob was good either, "make very bad decisions. And he did hurt Edward. And...and Grandpa didn't take Daddy, but the other police had to come get him, and they had to take him to jail." I felt sick telling my kids this, but Jake left me with no choice.

Krissy gasped and clapped her little hand over her mouth. "My daddy's in jail?"

Shit. I hated this so much.

"Yes." I nodded, swallowing the giant lump in my throat. "Because what he did was terrible, and when you do something terrible, you have to be punished for it."

"Like a time-out?" she asked, her eyebrows rose, looking as If she was proud of herself for figuring it out. If only life were as simple as a six-year-old's mind could imagine.

"Sort of. But a very long, very bad time-out that you don't ever want to be in."

"Why did he do that? Why did he hurt Edward?" Robby asked, his eyes still wet with tears, still not wanting to accept it.

I wiped his tears away and kissed his head. "There's no good answer for that, sweetheart." This was the part I dreaded the most. I was afraid to tell them this part. Afraid of what they'd think of me. The only answer I wanted to give them was that their father was crazy, because only crazy people did what Jacob had done. Right? But it was much more complicated than that.

"I think... I-I think," I stuttered, struggling to find the right words. "Daddy was just very angry with Edward and he...wasn't strong enough to control all that anger. So he...hurt Edward because Edward is my..." I trailed off, struggling once again.

"Boyfriend?" Krissy offered. I was taken aback by the optimism in my daughter's tone.

"Yes," I said on my breath.

"That's not very nice," she announced.

"No, it isn't," I agreed. I looked over at Robby, who was staring straight ahead with what appeared to be disdain. I asked him if he was alright and his eyes shifted to mine.

"So, it's 'cause of you? When can I see my dad?" His little mouth was fixed in a hard, straight line. My world crumbled a little more at his disposition and his questions. It just didn't suit my little boy to look so angry and hurt.

"Robby, I don't know when you'll be able to see your dad," I answered honestly, avoiding his first question. "It could be a long time, honey."

"I wanna see him!" he exclaimed, his little chest heaving as he tried to hold off a sob.

"Baby, I'm so sorry," I cooed, putting my arm around him. "I feel like it's because of me too, but I didn't make your dad hurt Edward. He did that on his own." It was the first time I said it out loud. I wasn't sure if I believed it yet, but I hoped it was true.

As I rocked and soothed Robby, Krissy stretched up to reach my ear and whispered. "Mommy, can I see Edwarrrrrd?"

I looked at her with surprise once again and nodded. "When he feels better, yes."

Out of nowhere I felt Renee's hand on my shoulder and it startled me a little. I'd been so enthralled in my children that I hadn't even noticed she'd been listening. She quietly offered the twins some cookies – which she apparently picked up at the market, (which I had no idea she'd gone too since I had obviously been so out of sorts) – and milk in the kitchen, and I watched them closely as they accepted her invitation.

Krissy bounced off as if she hadn't just heard the worst news imaginable, but Robby sauntered away slowly, his morose expression never changed. I sighed audibly.

"You did great, baby," Renee whispered.

"He hates me." I nodded in my son's direction, following his movements with depressed eyes.

"He does not, Bella," my mother chided. "He's just hurt and confused. In a little boy's eyes, their father is their hero. It's tough to find out yours is the villain." When I didn't respond, she continued. "You know, I see a lot of you and Alice in both of them. Alice was always so open, accepting without question, but your trust had to be earned. I found that out the hard way."

My head snapped in her direction, my eyes widened a little at her revelation. "Mom, this isn't the same as—"

She held her hand up to stop me. "All I'm saying is that he may be angry with you; he may think it's your fault right now, even though it's not, but he'll never stop loving you. Trust me on that, honey."

I merely nodded, smiling through my tears at the mom I never stopped loving even though I had been angry at her for a long time. I wrapped my arms around her, hugging her tightly and thanking her, when my phone rang, startling me. My heart hammered against my ribs when I saw that it was Carlisle. He told me Edward was awake...and he was asking for me.

~*fOrSaKeN*~

As I approached Edward's hospital room, my stomach fluttered with both excitement and anxiety. My heart pounded against my chest as I worried what he might say to me. I couldn't necessarily count the previous time since he'd been so out of it, and I wondered if he had finally come to his senses...and realized I was no good for him.

My eyes were downcast as I walked, avoiding stares from hospital staff. I was afraid of what I'd see there. As I turned a corner, paying no attention to what or who was in front of me, I clipped the shoulder of someone obviously in a mad rush, nearly tripping over my own feet, and steadying myself on the wall next to me. A frustrated huff erupted from the poor soul I had practically barreled into, followed by a snarl.

"Watch where you're going!"

I turned to apologize, only to see a flaming red ponytail whipping away from me. I gritted my teeth and growled under my breath.

Fucking redheads.

I took a deep breath, trying to focus my energy into positive thoughts and away from those of going back to trip a certain bitchy redheaded nurse I didn't even know. As I approached his room, I heard voices and loud, booming laughter that could only have belonged to one person.

"Belly-Bells!" Emmett nearly shouted, raising his arms and grinning like an idiot. He looked so happy and carefree, it put a smile on my face instantly, making me laugh out loud.

"Hey Em," I said through my giggles.

Jasper was standing next to Emmett, hands in his pockets, smiling warmly at me. I nodded at him, and his smile widened.

"Look who decided to rejoin the living!" Emmett boasted, extending his arm.

I turned my head. My eyes filled with tears as they locked on the bright green ones staring back at me. His mouth was curled into a goofy, lopsided grin, but he didn't look dazed. His eyes were clear, not cloudy and hazy from the drugs that had kept him under. He didn't seem to be in that much pain, not at the moment at least, and for that I was immensely grateful.

"Hi, baby," he said so effortlessly, like it was just another day and he was happy to see me. Like I hadn't almost gotten him killed. Like I wasn't to blame for this mess.

"H-Hi," I answered brokenly as a tear spilled onto my cheek.

"Come here." He patted the bed next to him.

I moved slowly, my boots feeling like lead, until I reached him. He moved himself over a little, wincing in the process, and then reached for me. I leaned down immediately, stunned when his large hands cupped my face and he pulled me to him, kissing my lips softly. I sighed, never taking my eyes off of him. When he moved to pull me down for a hug, as much as I wanted it, I froze.

"I-I don't want to hurt you," I whispered.

"I'm okay up here," he replied softly, patting the bed again. "Climb up; sit with me...please?"

_Like he had to ask_. I wanted nothing more in that moment, but I was still afraid.

"Are you sure?"

He nodded and I gingerly sat next to him, mindful of the line coming out of the collar of his gown. He clasped my hand in his, running his thumb lightly along mine, making my stomach flutter and my heart race. I leaned my head on his shoulder, nuzzled my nose into his neck and reveled in the sound of him humming at my touch.

"I thought I lost you," I whispered, using my free hand to wipe away my tears.

"Oh, baby," he whispered back. "I told you I wasn't going anywhere."

I opened my mouth to speak, but was interrupted by the sound of a throat clearing. Suddenly remembering we weren't alone, I lifted my head to see Emmett and Jasper looking around uncomfortably.

"So, yeah, uh...we're just gonna go, uh, grab some lunch," Emmett sputtered. I smiled at his sudden unease. Edward nodded as Emmett walked over and clasped his best friend's hand, but my smile turned to a playful glare as he ruffled my hair and grinned widely before sauntering out.

"We'll catch ya later, man," Jasper drawled, clasping Edward's hand the same way Emmett did. Only, instead of ruffling my hair, he leaned down and kissed my cheek. "Bella, keep that boy in line," he said with a wink and a smirk.

"Yeah, you just never know what I'm capable of," Edward replied, rolling his eyes.

We were quiet for a while after they left. I listened to his soft breaths while letting my fingers roam languidly through his hair and down his face. My heart soared when he hummed pleasantly in response. He must have had the sound of the heart monitor turned off because I could no longer hear the steady beep, but I could feel it, strong beneath my arm, and the room was so quiet, save for the sound of our breathing. But finally, Edward broke the silence.

"It feels amazing...you touching me like this."

"I've been touching you for days," I mused aloud.

"I felt it sometimes," he murmured. "I heard you sometimes too...heard you crying, and I hated it so much. I hate it when I make you cry."

I lifted my head to look at him. His expression was morose, his eyes watery. "When _you_ make me cry?" I sighed. "Edward, this is all my fault...and I'm so sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am. I-I would understand if you didn't even—"

"Bella, stop." He reached for my face with his left hand and cupped my cheek, wincing as he did so.

"Oh God, I'm hurting you. I'm so sorry," I muttered, starting to get up, but he grabbed my arm, this time with his right hand. He growled under his breath and clutched his side. It made me feel even worse.

"Goddamn it, Bella, stop. It's hurting me worse, you trying to get up...trying to get away from me. I can't fucking handle it. I need you close to me, so just stop...please."

I did stop. Instead of struggling to move away, I stayed, staring into his tumultuous eyes in confusion.

"I know how much blame you've put on yourself, Bella. I've heard it from everyone, and I'm here..._telling you_..." his hands framed my face; his expression no longer showing pain. There was nothing but conviction and truth...and love in his eyes. I held my breath as he continued. "That this is _not_ your fault. Do you hear me? It's not your fault. Only one person at that party had malicious intentions, baby, and _you_ are _not_ that person." He inhaled then exhaled sharply, as if he was short of breath, and it scared the shit out of me.

"Are you okay?" I asked, sitting up a little to give him some air.

He nodded, taking another quick breath. "Yeah, just...this goddamned lung. That, and the staples really suck sometimes." He looked a little chagrined at the confession. As if admitting he was in pain meant that he wasn't a man. I wanted to roll my eyes at the ridiculous notion, but I didn't.

"I hate that you're hurting," I murmured, avoiding apologizing again since I knew it would upset him. But it seemed as though he could read my mind.

"Yes, so do I, but Bella, look at me." I did as he asked. "It's not your fault, okay? So please, just...stop blaming yourself."

I stared into his eyes for a moment, trying to find the deceit, the blame aimed toward me but I couldn't. Again, all I saw was honesty and love so intense, it stole my breath.

"Okay," I breathed, finally relenting. Giving the guilt I felt so unabashedly away to the person who actually deserved it, and releasing myself fully to the man in front of me. "That's all I needed to hear."

He sighed pleasantly and smiled. I rested my head back on his shoulder, smiling against his neck, sending up a silent prayer of thanks, and just feeling him. The room was quiet again until I remembered something I needed to tell him. Something important.

"Oh, hey..." I lifted my head to look at him. "I, um, I met Kendyll."

His eyes lit up instantly. "You did? How'd it go?"

"She's amazing," I answered truthfully. "She loves you a lot, and she's so worried about you."

He frowned a little. "I can say the same about her. How does she look?"

_Just like you_. The thought was instantaneous. I couldn't stop it. It seemed that my mind was relentless in its fantastical ideas.

"She's...beautiful," I replied with a smile. "Even sick, she's beautiful."

"Yes, she is." Edward nodded in agreement. "I hope I can see her soon. If they ever let me out of this room, I might make it up to see her."

"I think she'd like that," I replied stupidly. _Duh, of course she'd like that! He's everything to her, just like he is to me_.

"Hey, how's Kellan doing? I-I haven't seen him since..." I trailed off, not wanting to remember.

"Esme's kept him while Rosalie works," he rolled his eyes, "among other things, I'm sure. But Esme is gonna bring him up later today. She says he's doing okay."

"I feel so horrible for him." My voice shook again.

"Baby, he's fine. He didn't see anything. Esme heard about what you did and she told me. Locking those kids away so they wouldn't witness anything or hear it? Bella, you did the right thing. I'm proud of you."

Tears had filled my eyes again and I wiped them quickly as he reached for my hand.

"How about the twins? How are they doing?" I stared at his long, beautiful fingers as I tried to figure out how to answer that question. "I just told them today. They know that Jacob hurt you. I didn't give them details, of course," I shrugged. "Krissy wants to see you. She hardly even asked about her dad...which is fine by me. Robby is pretty angry with me right now. He blames me for sending his dad away." I shook my head, not really wanting to talk about that.

"Baby," Edward whispered, caressing my cheek. "It'll be okay. Robby's a tough little boy, but I know how much he loves his mom."

"It just pisses me off," I muttered, leaning into his palm. "That Jacob did this to them...and to you...and to everyone."

"Hey," Edward said, brushing my tears away with his thumb, making me love him impossibly more. "It's alright. Trust me. Everything is gonna be alright."

"I love you," I breathed, "so much."

"Baby, I love you too." He pulled me in to kiss him, but we were both startled by a voice coming through the speaker.

"Doctor Cullen?"

He pressed a button on his bed rail and spoke back.

"Yes?"

"I'm sending some interns in to change your bandages and assess you. We also need to get you bathed. I can send in a couple male nurses to assist if you'd prefer."

My eyes widened as Edward groaned in frustration and rolled his head back on the pillow.

"Fuck," he grumbled before pressing the button to speak. "Uh, sure that's fine, and I guess male nurses are fine." He eyed me strangely for a moment before a smirk curled his pale lips up on one side.

"What?" I asked, already feeling annoyed that we were being interrupted.

"Do you have any idea how much I wish you were a nurse right now?"

"About as much as I do," I retorted.

"Well after today, I should be able to get out of this goddamned bed, so I can wash myself."

"At least its guys, right?" I offered, trying to make him feel better and failing miserably by the disgusted look on his face.

"Uh, I guess."

"So you'd rather females bathe you?" I could feel my ears getting hot.

"Uh-oh," he teased with a sly grin. "Somebody's jealous."

"Not really. I'm sure you're quite the difficult patient," I teased back.

He laughed, wincing immediately after, and I – of course – felt like shit for causing him pain. "Stop worrying," he chided, but then winked at me. "Besides, you're probably right; I am extremely difficult, and I'll try to be nice."

I reluctantly decided not to stay for the gore-fest and the man-on-man bathing scene. Instead I told Edward I would go visit Kendyll for a while. He asked me to take a pink rose from one of his bouquets and give it to her from him. So, after a soft, slow kiss that made my stomach flutter frantically, I found myself heading down the hallway, guarded smile on my face and pink rose clutched in my fist.

"Bella?"

I almost made it to the elevators when I heard Carlisle's voice. I turned to see him approaching me quickly.

"Hey, Carlisle," I greeted him with a bright smile. "I was just going up to see Kendyll for a little while. They're…changing bandages and bathing Edward." I felt the warmth of blood fill my cheeks when I mentioned the bathing part.

"Oh, you're…uh…going to see Kendyll?" He seemed tense. It puzzled me and alarmed me at the same time. "Do you, uh…well, I was wondering if I could talk to you for a moment before you visit with her?" I'd never heard Carlisle Cullen stumble over his words the way he was doing, and though it freaked me out, I was more curious than anything.

"Well, sure, Carlisle. But, um, is everything alright? You seem a little…stressed out."

He tried to laugh it off, but his eyes didn't lie. Something was bothering him, and I was suddenly worried about Kendyll. "I guess you could say I'm under a bit of…strain," he replied. "Do you have a moment or two?"

"Of course. What's up?"

"Uh, we…we need to go to my office. Is that alright with you?"

Alright, this was getting strange. I stared at him for a beat before mentally chastising myself that this was Edward's father, not some creep I didn't know.

"Sure," I agreed, nodding. When we got in the elevator, I turned to him quickly. "Carlisle, you have me a little worried. Is there something wrong?" He didn't have time to answer as the elevator chimed, indicating we were on his floor. He ushered me into his office and walked around his desk sitting in his leather chair.

"Please have a seat," he waved toward one of the chairs in front of him. I sat without a word and stared at him as he placed a file in front of him and sighed before looking up at me. The look on his face was tense; it made me nervous, but it wasn't angry or sad, just stressed.

"Bella, if I ask you a question, do you think you could answer me truthfully? It's important."

I was offended, suddenly feeling like I was in the principal's office or something. Had I lied to this man before? I didn't think so, and I didn't appreciate him insinuating that I would.

"Well, you know I really like to just make things up, so it might be difficult, but I'll try," I spat, not even bothering to hide my annoyance.

"I'm sorry," he said immediately. "I didn't mean it to sound like that. I just…really need to know your true feelings about something." I nodded for him to continue. "When you first met Kendyll, when you first saw her, your reaction was…extreme. Can you tell me what that was about?"

I stared at him, wide eyed and suddenly wondering if he was setting me up for a psych visit. If I told him the truth, he was going to think I was insane. I knew that. So, I decided to play ignorant.

"Um, Carlisle, I'm not…I'm not sure what you're referring to. I—I tripped, and that's why I fell. I didn't notice anything."

But the problem was…I was a terrible liar.

Carlisle massaged his temples with the tips of his fingers and sighed. "Bella, please, I know you did, and I think I know why. Please, I need you to tell me what you saw when you looked at that little girl. I need to know if you see it to, or if I might need smelling salts for what I'm about to tell you."

My heart hammered in my chest. What he was about to tell me? My mind was racing. Maybe I wasn't crazy…or maybe I was and he was about to tell me she was dying and had, like, a month to live or something horrendous like that.

"Bella, please…tell me."

"Okay," I breathed. I gripped the arms of the chair so tightly my hands started to go numb, and I closed my eyes, unable to look at his face as I told him my ridiculous thoughts. "I saw _him_…I—I saw Edward when I looked at her. She…she looks just like him." I felt like an idiot, and I waited – not so patiently – for him to burst into laughter. That wasn't what I heard, though. What I heard was a sigh…a relieved sigh. _Relieved?_ He sounded relieved. How was that possible? I opened my eyes, stunned to see him nodding and opening the file in front of him.

"I have suspected this for a while now. Actually since her parents' car accident," Carlisle said quietly.

"Wait, suspected what?" I blurted, confused as hell. He didn't answer me, only continued talking as if he was thinking out loud.

"Her blood type is rare…the rarest, actually, AB negative, and so is Edward's. That wasn't enough, though. I noticed the resemblance as well, but I never said anything. I didn't want to assume, and a resemblance is just that…nothing concrete." He looked at me and grimaced slightly. "I had almost put it out of my mind. I thought I'd wait until we received her medical records; that possibly something in them would tell me for sure. But when I saw your reaction the other day, I was all but convinced."

"Carlisle, what are you saying?" I shook my head, feeling extremely anxious and incredibly stupid at this point.

"I'm saying, Bella, that I am aware of the…condition you were in when you left town eleven years ago. I know about the, uh, the baby."

I knew all the color had drained from my face by the look on his. Alarmed. I felt weak, a little dizzy and out of breath.

"Bella, are you okay? Look at me. Focus on me." When I did that, my breathing slowed. His eyes were soft and kind, not judgmental.

"Edward told you," I stated mechanically.

"He did, yes, after your confession to him, but…" There was a long pause before he spoke again. "I knew before then. I knew long before you ever gave birth."

"What?" I shrieked. "How…how did you… No one knew, except…" I blundered through my sentence, unable to get it all out.

"While you were in Florida, I received a call from your father. He wanted to know if there would be any legal ramifications from not telling the baby's father, Edward, about it." He glanced at me quickly but looked away as he continued. My mind was reeling. "I…agreed that there would be no problems. I figured that would be the end of it. I never could've imagined that—"

"How could you _do _that? How could you do that to Edward?" I blurted, unthinking. I suddenly found myself angry – hypocritically, of course, but angry just the same that his own father had deceived him all these years…the same as I had.

"Bella, I did it to protect him…just like you did," he replied calmly. "Isn't that why you didn't tell him? Because you wanted him to have a future? I thought I was doing the right thing."

"Oh God…_oh God,_ Carlisle. He's going to be so angry with you!" I covered my face with my hands and shook my head. It was safe to say I was thoroughly freaking the hell out. "I don't know if he'll ever forgive you for this."

Carlisle sighed audibly. "Well, that's for me to deal with. I…don't know if I'll tell him, but if he finds out, I'll surely have to earn his trust back and hope that he can forgive me someday. Sometimes as parents, we make decisions for our children – even when they're grown – that we should've let them handle themselves. I had the best intensions, and that's all I can say."

"Does Esme know?" I removed my hands to look at him. His eyes widened a little but darted away before he shook his head. "Oh my God!" I groaned, covering my face again and leaning over, trying to breathe.

"Bella, it's okay," he tried to reassure me. It wasn't working. I sat straight up in the chair and pointed to the manila folder in front of him.

"What's in there, Carlisle? I'm not a complete moron, but I need to hear you say what you have to say to me. And I'd like the truth too, please."

Carlisle scrubbed his face with his palms and then opened the file. "This isn't Kendyll's official file. It's one I've put together myself, to keep track of things." He glanced up at me, but immediately back down at the file. "Like I said, I was going to wait for her medical records to arrive, but when I saw your reaction the other day, well, I had a DNA test run."

"A…a DNA test," I repeated robotically.

"Yes. I needed to see if my suspicions were true. Coincidently, I received the results back today…as well as Kendyll's medical records and something else."

"What were the results of the DNA test, Carlisle?" I whispered my question, but I already knew the answer, and I felt like I was dreaming.

"The results were…" he sighed again, "that with ninety-nine point nine percent accuracy, Edward is Kendyll's biological father. I had initially planned to bring you in here and ask if you'd like to be tested, but I don't think that's going to be necessary." He reached into the file and pulled out two sheets of paper, handing one of them to me. "These were included with Kendyll's medical records."

With shaking fingers, I took the paper. I had to blink a couple times to clear my vision, but I quickly realized I was looking at her birth certificate. My eyes scanned the top. _Certificate of Live Birth… State of Florida… Department of Health…_ I quickly scanned the date of birth… _March 18, 1999_, and my breath caught in my throat. Trying desperately to control my breathing, I skipped to the names, furrowing my brow when I saw the child's name as Kendyll Michela Tanner…and her parents' names, Joseph and Bree Tanner. I looked up at Carlisle in confusion. This was a normal birth certificate. It had nothing to do with me other than the date – the same exact date I gave birth. Seeing my perplexed expression, he nodded toward the document in my hand.

"It's almost impossible to tell, but that is an amended birth certificate. This one accompanied it." He handed me the other one. It looked identical…same state, same date, same hospital…with three exceptions. Where Kendyll's name had been on the previous certificate, this one stated _Baby Girl Swan. _Mother's name…_Isabella Marie Swan. _Father's name…_Unknown. _

_Oh my God. _I couldn't believe what I was seeing. She was my daughter! She was _our_ daughter, mine and Edward's! Was this real? Was I dreaming? Looking at that certificate, I didn't know whether to laugh, cry, scream, panic or faint. Literally, I had never had so many feelings rushing through me at once in my life. I was particularly disgusted with myself for being so cruel back then to have listed my baby's father as _unknown._

All my breath left me in a rush. I struggled to inhale, doubling over and grabbing onto his desk for support. I heard his chair roll back but couldn't lift my head to see what was happening. I just couldn't focus. Suddenly I felt his hand on my back. I heard soothing words being said to me…

"Breathe, Bella, it's okay…"

"I don't believe this! _I don't believe this!"_ I chanted repeatedly. He slowly took the documents I had clutched in my hand and I sat up, wiping my tear-filled eyes. I watched as he placed the documents back in the file and closed it, returning to my side to offer comfort. "I have to tell him, Carlisle!"

"I know, Bella," he murmured, "but he's not strong enough right now. He needs to heal a little longer before we tell him about this."

I looked at him incredulously. "But she's sick, Carlisle! He needs to know about this now!"

He opened his mouth to answer, but a loud knock sounded at his office door. I jumped involuntarily. Carlisle opened the door, suddenly looking and sounding his professional self. "Yes, Jane, what is it?"

"Sorry to interrupt, Doctor Cullen, I just need the Shaw file for the radiologist. He needs to check the x-rays again." I heard her voice and cringed. It was that hateful little tech that had way too much fun manipulating my very broken hand a couple months prior.

"Go ahead and get it. It's on my desk," Carlisle replied to her. "Bella, I'm just going to run and grab you a cup of water, okay."

I nodded as he left the room, mortified that this bitchy x-ray tech was seeing me a mess like this. I averted my gaze from her, remaining silent as she located the file she needed. As I felt her walking toward me, I inadvertently raised my head, catching her eye and the brief smirk on her face as she whipped around and marched out the door. My fists clenched in my lap, but I didn't have time to worry about catty little twits at the moment. When Carlisle re-entered the room, he handed me the cup of water gingerly, then went and sat back at his desk as I sipped it carefully.

"How…how sick is she, Carlisle," I asked, terrified of the answer. "Have you found out?"

He clasped his hands in front of him on the desk and nodded. "That's actually the other thing I wanted to talk to you about. Kendyll does have leukemia." His expression was grave, his eyes seemed sad as he gauged my reaction. I was frozen, but my hands began to shake so badly, I feared I would spill the water, so I set the cup on the desk in front of me and ran my trembling fingers through my hair. "She has what's called Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia. It's actually the most common of all childhood leukemia and has a very high survival rate, but…"

"Is she going to die?" I whispered my question as my voice was practically nonexistent.

"No, Bella…" he paused and I looked up at him seeing the truth in his eyes. He dipped his head, leveling his blue eyes on me. "No, she is not going to die. She's a little older than most of the children on record with this disease, which means we may have to treat it more aggressively, but she is _not_ going to die, okay?"

I nodded, gasping as another thought gripped me. "How did she get it? Is this…is it from me? Edward? Could we have given this to her?" My voice cracked.

"That's very unlikely, Bella," he stated matter-of-factly. "Many times there isn't a clear-cut reason for it, but let's not worry about that right now, okay?" I nodded reluctantly. "I know that when Edward finds out what she has, regardless of the fact that she's his, he's going to want to be tested immediately."

"Tested?"

"Yes, to see if he's a bone marrow match. The problem is, he's on the registry already and I've checked it. He's not a match. It'll be devastating to him, but in all honesty, it's probably a good thing. He wouldn't be strong enough to donate bone marrow for a while."

"So what…what does that mean? How will she be treated if there's no bone marrow to give her? Chemo?" I asked, the thought of that made me shudder.

"Well, yes. We would start her right away on radiation and chemotherapy, but I was wondering…and this is purely optional for you…if you might consider being tested. Just because you're her biological mother doesn't mean you'll be a match; the odds are about fifty-fifty, but it wouldn't hurt, if you'd be willing."

I sat stunned for a moment, unsure of what to say or do. I was still reeling at the fact that I was Kendyll's biological mother and Edward was her father, in every sense of the word now. I knew the correct answer. I knew I should've said yes immediately, but I had children at home to consider as well…and I didn't even want to think about broaching this subject with them right now. Renee was leaving soon, and that would leave only Alice and Charlie to help me out with the kids if needed. I had heard that donating bone marrow was incredibly painful and invasive…so I hesitated.

"You can think about it for a while, Bella, I don't want to pressure you. After all, it's just a test."

"No," I said. His eyes widened. "I mean…no, I don't need to think about it at all. I'll do it."

Carlisle smiled, nodding his head. "Okay. I'll let oncology know to contact you when they're ready for the test. Bella…about telling Edward…"

"I'll wait until you think he's ready, but Carlisle…he has to know, and he has to know soon." I looked down at the pink rose I'd all but forgotten on the seat next to me and smiled as fresh tears filled my eyes. "I…I think I'm going to go see her now. Thank you, Carlisle, for not keeping this from me."

"Of course," he stated. That professional voice was back, but his eyes were as emotional as a man who'd just found out he was a grandfather…again.

The short trip from Carlisle's office to the pediatrics unit was a blur. I noticed smiling faces as I walked by, but I couldn't focus on them. My eyes darted continuously from the floor in front of my feet to the pink rose in my hand. Honestly, it took everything in me not to abandon my promise to Carlisle and sprint back to Edward's room to tell him that Kendyll was our daughter. I still couldn't believe it. When my gut had told me the truth, I pushed it away. I disregarded it, thinking my feelings were ridiculous. _Story of my life._

As I approached her room, the trembling began again. I slipped in quietly and held my breath as I turned the corner. There she was. Sleeping peacefully. She was so beautiful. I tiptoed over to her bed and slid into the chair next to it, staring at her as I sat down. I closed my eyes and brought the rose up to my nose, inhaling silently the sweet scent of it. I'd always hated roses, but this one…this one was different. It smelled like hope, like the promise of a new life; it smelled like the future of a beautiful family, and it smelled like love.

I couldn't help it; a tear slipped from my eye as I opened them and looked over at her. It was as if I was seeing her for the first time in almost eleven years. I remembered the feel of her in my belly, moving around, and all the pain I had felt along with that, emotional mostly, wishing I could've shared that with Edward. And as I watched her sleep, I realized for the first time in all those years just how much I missed her.

My beautiful daughter.

_Our_ beautiful daughter.

Kendyll.

~*fOrSaKeN*~

_**Chapter End Notes: Thank you so much for reading, as always. Don't forget about my story group on Facebook. If you're interested in teasers, pics, etc., come find me. **_

_**One more thing. The horrific events in Oklahoma have hit close to home for me. One of my beautiful betas lives only a mile from the catastrophic devastation that occurred from the F5 tornado that hit on Tuesday. The community could use all the help they can get. If you're interested in donating and receiving a compilation of great stories, please check out this link. **_ .info/_** I'm contributing and so are many other authors. **_

_**Until next time! XOXOXO **_


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